Chapter Text
He was going stir-crazy. Modified duties, shortened days. Charlie hated every minute of it.
They’d spent the rest of the weekend at Sarah’s, trying to distract, trying not to think about what haunted both of them, the violation, the stalking. They thought about it anyway. They avoided talking about it, despite the acknowledgment that they would help each other through it. They weren’t ready to confront it just yet.
He’d gone back to his place Sunday night, alone. Sarah’s heart had broken as she’d told him she wasn’t ready, but that she’d work on it. He’d tried to reassure her. It would be okay. They’d make it through.
He missed her presence through the night. He barely slept, from the combination of missing her but also the ever-present hypervigilance, the feeling of being watched, despite knowing rationally that he wasn’t. The nightmares woke him up more than once.
They had lunch together Monday at work after he’d given his statement. They tried to keep it light. To talk about anything but the case.
He’d be cleared for duty in another week. Needed to speak to a counselor as a matter of protocol, due to the situation. He wasn’t looking forward to it. Knowing it had helped before was one thing, but facing these ever-present demons again wasn’t something he wanted to do.
*****
“Detective Hudson?”
It was Dr. Lang, the same therapist he’d seen several years prior, after the incident after his divorce. That familiarity was at least comforting.
He walked into to the room, took a seat on the sofa.
“So, Charlie,” she began. “I’ve read the case notes, I know what happened to you. And I will want to discuss how you’re feeling about that but I want to also acknowledge that the effects of an experience like this aren’t necessarily going to show up right away.”
“Yeah.”
“So when we talk about clearing you to return to active duty, I want you to keep in mind that I’d like to have regular check-ins with you for the next few months, and after that is up to you. Is that something you’d agree to?”
“I kind of have to, don’t I?” He sounded more defensive than he’d intended.
“Well, as you know, it’s always up to you but in this situation, for the sake of your return to work, I am going to have to insist.”
He softened. “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry, doc.”
“Hey, no worries. You went through a lot, it’s normal to have an emotional reaction. Can we talk about how you’ve been feeling? Any symptoms?”
Charlie drew in a breath. “I feel...I don’t know how I feel.”
She waited patiently for him to continue.
“I know what I went through was horrible, but it’s like I feel everything and nothing all at once.”
“Yeah. Kind of numb?”
“Yeah. But then sometimes it turns into anger. And fear. And that feeling of constantly looking over my shoulder.”
“Hypervigilance. That’s a pretty standard trauma response.”
“I know.”
“Let’s talk about your supports. Friends? Family?”
“The Major Crimes team is basically my family. And Rex, of course.”
“Right, your dog.”
“My partner,” he gently corrected.
“Yes, of course. Forgive me, I know the last time we saw each other you weren’t working with him yet, I’m still catching up. So you have supportive coworkers. Who else? Is there a romantic partner?”
“Yes. She’s also a coworker.”
“Okay. So she...have you told her about what you went through?”
“She was there. She went through it too. She’s the head of Forensics, part of the Major Crimes team.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize you and Dr. Truong were seeing each other. How long have you been together?”
“Close to two months I think. But we were…” Charlie smiled fondly. “We’d been good friends for about three years before we decided to pursue the relationship.”
“Okay.” Dr. Lang made a note. “And how’s that going?”
“It’s great…”
“I’m sensing a but.”
“Not really, I just...I don’t want to burden her with this.”
“How so?”
“I feel like...I don’t want her to have to carry this. It’s already upset her. It’s affected her. I don’t want my shit to drag her down too.”
“You feel protective of her.”
“I do. And I’m afraid that her being with me nearly put her in danger too.”
“Because of how much premeditation this crime entailed.”
“Yeah.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
“We talked about it a little bit. She was upset about it too.” He swallowed hard. “She um...she confided in me that she had a stalker when she was in school, and this is bringing some of that back up for her.”
“And you feel responsible for her pain.”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I just...I don’t want her being with me to make things harder for her. Right now she can’t even set foot in my house again.”
“How long’s it been?”
“Two weeks.”
“Okay. Well, Charlie, it sounds like everything’s still really fresh. It’s going to take time, for both of you. Can you spend time together at a more neutral location for now?”
“I guess we could.”
“Okay. In terms of your own symptoms, let’s talk about those. Any trouble sleeping?”
“Yes.”
“Nightmares?”
“Yes.”
“How often?”
“I’d say at least one most nights since the kidnapping.”
“What happens when you wake up?”
“I get…I don’t know, restless. Like I can’t unwind enough to get back to sleep.”
“I want you to try a few things. I want you to keep a notebook by the bed, and any time you have a nightmare, you write it down as soon as you wake up. It gets it out of your head and on paper. You can bring the notebook to our sessions and we can go over what you’re dreaming about.”
Charlie nodded. “I can do that.”
“I’d also like you to try some relaxation skills, which we’ll practice together. When you wake up from a nightmare, you’ll have those skills to use to get you grounded, and hopefully back to restful sleep. Does that sound like something you’d be willing to try?”
“Yeah. I’ll give it a try.”
“It will get better. I know it’s hard to put in the work, but it will get better if you do.”
Charlie nodded. “Thanks, doc.”