Chapter Text
“Hey,” Michael’s tone was casual as he slid onto the barstool next to Alex. He’d been playing pool for the last half hour, seemingly busy joking around with a group of tourists who were losing badly, but Alex knew that he’d been fully aware of Alex’s presence the whole time, that all he had to do was wait. He didn’t have to keep his eyes on Michael to know that.
“Hey,” he matched Michael’s easy tone. “You having a good night?”
“Yeah totally, seems luck was on my side tonight,” he winked and Alex shook his head..
“I bet.”
“Care for some company?”
“Sure.”
Michael got two more beers for them, and they sat in silence after that. They had turned around so they had their backs towards the counter and were looking out over the crowd. It was quite busy for a Thursday evening and the loud sorl made any deeper conversation difficult. To an onlooker it would look relaxed and easy, just two casual acquaintances having a beer.
Alex’s text earlier in the evening had been short, ‘Going for a beer later’. The answer a simple ‘Ok’
Alex didn’t have to specify the location. There was a reason they were at Saturn’s ring and not the Wild Pony. Even if Maria and Michael had handled the break-up well - a little sadness on both sides but no hard feelings - Alex didn’t want her to pick up on anything between him and Michael. He didn’t want to try and explain it to Maria when he couldn’t even justify to himself exactly what he was doing. He assumed Michael had similar feelings, probably mixed in with guilt, but he hadn’t asked. This wasn’t something they talked about.
Alex shifted on the barstool “I really should get home before it’s too late.”
“You driving?”
“I took an uber here actually,” Alex eyes flickered over to meet Michael’s for a moment before making a show of looking around for his jacket.
“Oh okay,” Michael downed the last of his beer, “I’ll give you a ride then. I’m leaving anyway”
They were both quiet in the car on the way to Alex’s place. An unspoken understanding, neither wanted to burst the bubble they were in.
The silence continued when they got to Alex’s house as Michael got out as well and followed Alex to the door, careful to stay one step behind.
**
The first time it happened was after a long day of working together in the bunker. They hadn’t come across any really bad stuff from the Caulfield files, but the endless trailing through documents had taken its toll on both of them. When Michael had suggested getting a drink Alex had felt too tired to go to a crowded bar, which is how they ended up at his place instead. Kyle had been meant to show up as well, but on his way over he was called into the hospital and suddenly it was just Alex and Michael.
Even though it was never explicitly stated, Kyle had actually been intended as a buffer. Michael and Alex did spend time together now, but it was mainly around other people and in public places, not a lot of alone time. Already the time they spent in the bunker had been a step away from the usual and Alex briefly considered calling everything off, before he told himself he was being stupid. They were two grown men. They would manage without tearing the clothes off each other. Surely.
Michale clearly had a similar line of thought, but seemed to have landed more on the cautious side than Alex. He seemed very close to bolting. “We can do this some other time,” he hovered tentatively by the front door, “if you’re tired…”
“No, come on, it’s still early,” Alex attempted a breezy tone and came quite close he thought. “I think we deserve at least one beer after today.” He went into the kitchen to pull two bottles out from the fridge. This was no big deal he told himself.
The instant he turned around with the bottles and found Michael standing way too close he realised a mistake had been made. As their eyes met it was like a bolt of electricity shot through Alex, and it was clear to him this would only end in one way. It had been way too long.
For a moment they were frozen, looking at each other, Michael’s mouth slightly open, his eyes widening as Alex carefully took a step closer. A tiny fear that he’d misread the situation went through his head, but when he saw the little shudder that ran through Michael’s body he continued walking forward until he had him pressed up against the wall next to the sofa. Alex blindly reached out to put the bottles away on the side table, not caring that one of them fell over, and as soon as his hands were free he frantically started pulling at first Michael’s flannel and then his white undershirt, desperate to touch. Michael met him with equal frenzy as they moved a few steps to the side and fell together on the sofa, Michael buffering them slightly with his telekinesis.
It was quick and messy, all hands and mouths. Michael’s jeans stayed tangled around his ankles after a few feeble attempts to kick them off before he got too distracted by Alex’s lips. Alex didn’t bother with removing his pants or his prosthesis either, not wanting to lose any time, just settling on his back and letting Michael pull his pants down far enough to get free access. He figured that would work at least for a while. He honestly didn’t expect either him or Michael to be able to last for long.
The intensity made Alex dizzy. The firm press and heat of Michael’s body. The little moans and shudders as they helped each other chase release. They came almost simultaneously, gasping and clinging on to each other
Regaining his senses, Alex half stuttered out a laugh, burying his face into Michael’s neck as his breathing came back to normal. “That was… wow…”
“Yeah...” Michael rested his forehead against Alex’s temple, breathing slowly in and out.
After a moment he gave himself a little shake and reached for his undershirt on the floor to use it to quickly clean first Alex and then himself, before he stood up to pull up his jeans, taking his weight off Alex.
“I didn’t expect-” Alex stopped himself and then continued nervously while he sat up and started arranging his own clothes, “I mean I know I kind of started it, but I didn't- it wasn’t what I-”
Michael had always been so cuddly, so open and unguarded, straight after sex. Despite the delicious ecstacy of the act itself that never failed to make Alex weak with pleasure, the tender moments afterwards meant almost more to him. Even in those years when they only met a handful of times and the visits often ended with tears and harsh words, their moments in the sexual afterglow had always been sacred. An intimate bubble where words of devotion were whispered and soft kisses exchanged together with promises of love forever, before coming back to cold harsh reality again.
He wasn’t sure now what it meant that Michael distanced himself so quickly. He didn’t seem upset though, a carefully neutral expression on his face as he pulled on his flannel shirt.
“Don’t worry about it, Alex.” His tone was light, but Alex noticed he didn't quite meet his eyes.
“I know things are different now,” Michael continued. “You’ve got- you know- aah, we don’t have to make it a big deal. It’s been a long day, things just happened. It can be a one time thing, we’re still friends. This doesn’t have to ruin anything. I don't want it to ruin anything.” He glanced at Alex, an almost pleading tone in his voice that made Alex pause.
He was unsure what to do. For a moment, high on after sex endorphins, he had allowed himself to think that maybe this could be the start of something, of finding their way back to each other. Imagining how later they’d laugh about the fact that they still couldn’t keep their hands off each other, despite everything. But now, as Michael hovered on the other side of the room apparently worrying about their friendship, maybe he had to reconsider.
Michael needed friends, he knew that. He was so careful about letting anyone close, maybe it was selfish of Alex to try and make them into more. After all Michael had told him several times that he didn’t want anything more.
He knew he should be brave and ask, but sitting on the sofa looking up - only half dressed and very conscious of the stickiness in his pants, his flushed face and messy hair as Michael was already buttoning up his shirt, seeming almost unaffected - he wasn’t ready for that type of conversation. Too exposed and raw to be able to handle rejection. He and Michael had been in such a good place he told himself, working together, joking, being able to hang out with their friends without it being weird. He didn’t want to destroy that.
“Friends,” Alex agreed with a smile, hoping desperately that Michael couldn’t tell how brittle it was, “umm, you can still stay for a while if you want? I did promise you a beer.”
“Nah, I better-” Michael waved towards the door, “it’s late and you said you were tired before so…”
With a swift move he bent to pick up his dirty undershirt, obviously trying to be discreet - it would be amusing if Alex didn’t find it all so sad - before leaving out the door with a quick wave and a “see ya”.
Alex leaned his head back and stared up towards the ceiling, sitting there for a long while, feeling slightly like he’d been hit by a truck. It had felt so right in the moment with Michael, but now that he was alone again without Michael’s presence distracting him, he found himself wondering what the hell had just happened. Why had he thought it was a good idea to basically jump Michael - not that he had protested he reminded himself - when they were just supposed to hang out as friends. And what about Forrest. He and Alex hadn’t had sex yet so this wasn’t technically cheating was it, but they had been out on dates and there was a possibility of more.
Alex sighed and shut his eyes. It would be fine, he told himself. He was used to compartmentalizing. He could handle this as well.
**
The second time it was initiated by a text from Alex, despite his better judgement. He’d been out for a drink with Forrest earlier in the evening and he’d had a good time. Forrest was easy to chat to, nice, and clearly showed that he was interested in Alex which was good for his self esteem, but it hadn’t gone any further than a kiss goodbye as they parted. Alex had said he was tired and Forrest was, as always, understanding. When he got home Alex spent about an hour first trying to talk himself out of sending the text, before he realised it was futile. He just wanted to see Michael, that was all, he told himself before pressing send. They had both been busy and it had been a while since they last spoke. Alex missed him.
‘What’re you doing right now?’
It took a while for Michael to answer. Alex could imagine him staring at his phone, trying to figure out if it was really the ‘u up?’ message it sounded like. It wasn’t, Alex told himself. Was it?
Eventually Michael called back instead of texting, a guarded tone in his voice when Alex picked up.
“Michael?”
“I’m not doing anything, why?”
“I just- you want to come over? For a drink?”
Silence.
“You want me to come over?”
“Yes-” Alex carefully didn't let his voice give anything away.
Half an hour later he heard the truck pull up, and then a further five minutes passed before he heard a knock on the door.
“I thought you had a date with Forrest today,” it was more a statement than a question as Michael stepped over the threshold.
Alex didn't know how Michael knew, but he guessed within their small group of friends news travelled fast these days.
“It wasn’t a date exactly, we’re just hanging out. It’s not that serious.” The “yet” lingered unspoken in the air but neither of them addressed it. The truth was that Alex didn’t really know where it was going or even what he wanted.
“What am I doing here, Alex?” the question came out almost as a whisper.
“I've missed you, that's all. I haven’t seen you and we said we’re friends now and friends hang out right and I just thought maybe you wanted to come over and hang, as friends that is, if you want-” Alex realised he was babbling and abruptly shut his mouth, blushing.
This time it was Michael who moved first, walking over to cradle Alex’s face in his hands and gaze into his eyes. Apparently he found what he was looking for, since he leaned in for a kiss that started out soft and careful but quickly got more heated. Alex let out a sound close to a whimper, but he couldn’t even get embarrassed about it, not with Michael here, with Michael pressed up against him. Hot and hard and everything he wanted.
They moved together towards the bedroom, both refusing to let go, tearing at the other’s t-shirt to get to the skin beneath. It was no less intense this time, but less rushed, both enjoying taking their time with each other once they got into bed, going slow and deep.
Michael didn’t stay the night this time either, but he did hold Alex for a while as they both lay spent afterwards, nuzzling his hair, before sighing regretfully and getting up.
“Early morning tomorrow,” he attempted cheerfully. “Maybe I’ll see you at the Pony? I hear everyone is meeting up.”
“Yeah, I’ll probably be there. See you, drive safe,” Alex tried to match his unaffected tone.
He didn’t know what to do with the conflicting emotions raging inside of him as he watched Michael leave.
**
It had happened again about half a dozen times after those first two times. A pattern had been established where they both knew what to expect. A text or a call, some excuse for a meeting, no questions asked and no outward signs as long as they were in public. Then as soon as they were behind closed doors, all inhibitions were gone. Clothes quickly tossed to the side as they crashed into each other.
Tonight though, when they’d made it back to Alex’s place after meeting up at Saturn’s Ring, Alex could sense that there was something on Michael’s mind.
The evening had seemed to follow the regular steps at first, as they met up in the bar and on the way over in the car. As they entered the house Alex had already started unbuttoning his shirt before he noticed that Michael hadn’t come closer.
“You ok?”
“Yeah... thinkin’ maybe we could have a beer first?”
Alex was a bit perplexed, after his hesitation the first times Michael had been all in on the following occasions. Barely letting Alex close the door before his hands were all over him. Alex wondered what had changed.
“Yeah I guess I owe you one by now,” he attempted to joke. “We usually don't get that far do we?”
Michael only shrugged.
“So, how are things with Forrest?” he asked casually as he trailed Alex into the kitchen.
Ah, Alex had wondered when that would come up again. Things were still not serious, but he was aware Michael had probably seen them around town quite a few times. It had still not developed into an actual relationship, but Forrest kept inviting Alex out to join him - for lunch, for a movie, for open mic night.
“I don’t think I should talk about him with you," Alex attempted a light tone, smiling over his shoulder to show that this didn’t need to be an issue. “We’re not serious, I told you that. Isn’t that enough?”
“Why not, I understand from the town gossip - and that's totally Isobel by the way - that he’s quite a catch? Sure seems like it, clean living, does yoga, can probably bend in all kinds of ways.” Michael still tried to sound casual, but he couldn’t stop a little sneer at the end.
“Again, not discussing him with you.” Alex opened the fridge and busied himself with getting their beers.
“Just sayin’, he seems like a nice guy.”
“Yeah,” Alex heard it came out shorter than he intended it, so much for keeping it light, “Forrest is really nice. Maybe I don’t want nice right now.”
He realised too late how quiet Michael had gotten and as he turned around he saw that his face had darkened. He sighed.
“Michael-”
“No no, I get it.” His smile was all teeth for a second, sarcastic. Alex recognized it as the defense mechanism it was. Michael’s body suddenly loose in that way Alex had seen before, at the Wild Pony, ready to take a punch. “There’s enough bored housewives in Roswell that felt the same way over the years you know. It’s good to know I still got it, the bad boy thing right, so hot.” Michael started demonstratively unbuckling his belt. “Let’s do this then. That’s why I’m here right?”
Alex's stomach lurched, no no no, why did he always say the wrong thing. He wanted to kick himself, by now he knew Michael’s triggers well enough and this was a huge one. The “bad boy”, “only good for sex”. He was excellent at playing the part, but Alex knew how deeply it hurt him when that’s all people he cared about saw. He fully expected Michael to storm off and then it would all be ruined, again, this time probably beyond repair.
“Michael-” he started, his voice breaking which seemed to be enough to make Michael pause.
“Hey,” his hands fell from his belt and his face softened as he took in Alex’s devastated expression.
“No wait… don’t worry. It’s ok Alex, I overreacted. It's just some fun right.” Michael’s voice became gentle, tinged with sadness. “Forget I said anything, I didn’t mean to ruin this. We’re good at this part, it’s convenient I get it. I want this too, me being an insecure asshole isn’t your problem.”
Alex blinked. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, collecting himself.
He’d needed Michael, even if Michael had moved on. As they’d continued their clandestine meetings he’d felt bad for not letting go, but he’d also been grateful that regardless of everything else Michael still wanted him physically, even if he didn’t want anything more than that. He figured as long as Michael was single it wouldn’t hurt anyone. Instead of Michael going back to his one night stands from the past, he could give Michael the touch and closeness he knew he craved. He thought that if he could just prove to Michael that it could all be casual, that he didn't want anything Michael didn’t want to give him, then maybe Alex would get to keep these stolen little moments away from the rest of the world, cradled in Michael’s arms. If it was only himself he was hurting.
Looking at Michael now though, he realised that maybe there was more to it for Michael as well. They were in a dangerous place if they were both trying to play a game of keeping it cool and casual, if in reality it was messing them both up.
“This is so fucked up,” he shook his head, forcing out a chuckle. Two friends who had gotten a bit carried away and now had to take it down a notch, that’s all it was. It didn’t have to be a disaster, he tried to tell himself.
Michaels smile was crooked now, “Yeah…”
“We need to stop this don’t we?”
“I think you have some stuff to figure out maybe.”
Alex looked up sharply at Michael “If I do then you do too.”
Michael put his hands in his pockets, rocking slightly on the spot.
“The thing is… I think I’ve made my mistakes already,” he swallowed nervously. “But yeah like you said, maybe whatever this is needs to stop. I like being your friend Alex, sneaking around like this probably isn’t the best for either of us.”
Their eyes met, searching, hesitating. Now would be the moment to speak up if they were to have a different conversation, a conversation about them. Alex shifted, he opened his mouth but closed it again. He still didn’t get Michael. He had been the one who’d been in a relationship, he had been the one who said they weren’t good for each other and now he was implying what, that Alex needed to make his mind up? That didn’t make sense.
It was funny how nothing ever made sense when it came to him and Michael Guerin, at the same time as everything made sense.
Alex straightened up. He took in the fact that Michael had stayed quiet as well. Surely if he’d had something else to say about all of this he would have said it now. Michael wanted to be friends, that was it. It was fine. It was good. He liked being Michael’s friend. If that’s what he needed Alex could give him that.
“Ok,” he breathed out, “but we don’t have to stop seeing each other completely or...?”
“No,” Michael sounded horrified “of course not,” an unsure tone crept into his voice as he continued, “but maybe we keep it to when other people are around for a while?”
“Sure, we can do that.”
“Ok well, I- I guess I’ll see you around then?” Michael was actually inching towards the door as he spoke, Alex realised.
“Yeah, have a good night Michael.”
Michael halted when he was almost at the door, abruptly swinging around and walking over to give Alex a quick hug. A bro hug, Alex noted. Michael gave him an awkward pat on the back and left with a murmured “bye”.
When the door had closed, Alex leaned back against the wall and let his body slide down until he was on the floor, not caring that he should be more careful with his leg. He buried his face in his hands.
He should have known better.
**
Outside in his truck, Michael sat staring out into the dark. Every fiber of his being screamed that he should run back inside and wrap Alex in his arms. It broke his heart to think of how Alex had been standing there stiff as a statue watching Michael as he left.
But Michael couldn’t do this anymore, it hurt too much and he knew he had let his mask slip tonight. Maybe if they took a step back they could still save the friendship before Michael did something stupid to really fuck it up. He couldn’t lose Alex again. If all they could be were friends then Michael would take it. He’d take whatever he could get.
The first time had caught Michael completely by surprise. He’d had a small glimpse of hope then, but when Alex launched into his stuttering explanation that he didn't mean for it to happen, that hope was quickly squashed.
He didn’t blame Alex. He was well aware of the constant pull between them and how hard it was to ignore. After all he’d spent months a while back trying to push Alex away, thinking it was for the best for both of them, but each time he saw Alex everything inside him still ached with want. He could understand a moment of desire overriding reason and he was ok with it.
The second time he’d been confused, but he also couldn't resist surrendering to the heat between them. It had all felt like one of those nights when Alex came home on leave and they ended up secretly shacked up in some dingy motel in a nearby town. The day after it might as well have been a dream. It didn't feel real then, and it was the same now.
As they continued to meet up in the same way, it became easier. Michael could almost feel happy about it. He knew what was expected of him and it felt good to give Alex what he apparently needed. Things had settled into something he could manage. Sure, it was a secret, but there were no fights anymore and during daytime they were fine, an easy friendship had formed between them. If he could have Alex as both a friend and a lover, Michael was willing to pay the price of needing to keep the two roles separate.
Deep down of course he had understood that this was a temporary thing. It couldn’t go on forever and he knew he was balancing on a very thin edge. The wrong move might scare Alex off and he couldn’t bear losing him again. The problem was that he wasn’t sure what Alex thought about them, about how this would all play out, and he was afraid to ask. He’d been careful not to ask too much about Forrest either. He got the information he needed anyway, Isobel was all too happy sharing, and he figured it would just make Alex uncomfortable.
Tonight though, it had finally become too much. It had built up over the last days, seeing Alex and Forrest laughing over lunch at the Crashdown, joking around with Liz and just seeming so comfortable with each other. He hadn’t been able to resist needling Alex about it and then Alex's comment about not wanting “nice” had just pushed all of his buttons.
When he saw the stricken look on Alex’s face he had immediately regretted it and backtracked, but in that moment it became agonisingly clear - to both of them he thought - that this couldn’t go on. The risk to their friendship was too big. The risk that it would end in a fight like it used to in the past and that they would crash and burn.
Michael needed Alex in his life like the air he breathed. He could take a step back, temporarily a little voice in his head interjected, if that meant keeping Alex as a friend. He only hoped it hadn’t gone too far already.
With a last glance at the dim light coming through Alex’s front window, he started the truck and drove off.