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"That's insane, Ryan. I won't marry you just because your last date was a disaster."
"I don't know, man. I'm tired. I’m thirty and ready to settle down. But every person I’ve tried to date has either bailed on me or was unsuitable for a serious relationship."
"And what exactly made you think that I am? Also, sorry to break it to you - people don't start their relationship with a proposal."
"That's not true! People get married without dating all the time! Think about old British people! At least we know each other pretty well. I even dare to say we’re best friends!"
"Old British people? Pshhh. Is that your case? Are you serious?"
"Of course it’s not! My case is that we are best friends, who obviously love each other. We are both ready for commitment and aren't so lucky outside of this particular relationship. May as well just marry each other and be done with it."
"No wonder your last date was so awful. You got no game, Bergara. Way to make your potential fiancé feel special - stop it.”
"Oh, is that your problem? Do you want more wooing and romance? Okay, I can step up my game if you insist."
"No, Ryan, it’s not about that. My problem is that you are wasting time on this ridiculous bit. Time we could have spent on watching trashy horrors."
"That's it! You are the only person who loves to watch this crap as much as I do. And we’re never tired of each other. We love the same things and the same food. People have been saying that we act like an old married couple for several years now."
"Okay, Ryan, I see that you are committing to this bit. Let's play. Why we should or shouldn't get married. First of all, we are not an actual couple!"
"We’re definitely a couple of friends. Best friends, to be exact. And we all know best friends make the best spouses."
"That's bullshit. Where's your evidence?"
"Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.”
"That was fanfic, Ryan! Not a real-life story and not even canon."
"That's a shame, by the way. Bonnie and Clyde, then."
"Ryan, you are a crime nerd, there is no way you didn’t know they weren't married, and Bonnie was married to another man. Also, even if they were, they weren't BFFs turned spouses. They were lovers and criminals. Anyhoo, the point is you can't just say things and pretend they’re facts."
"Jay Z and Beyonce."
"They were lovers and spouses first. And I am not sure they are best friends. Let's not forget about Destiny's Child."
"Bitch, please. Jay Z and Beyonce are the BFFest of all BFFs. They have a family and a business together, which leads me to the next argument - we are great life partners. I mean, we already own a business together, and we are still best friends even with the amount of time we spend together. Dude, I know all your weird sleeping habits, and I can sleep through your snoring. I mean, how much closer can you get than that?"
"I don't snore. You snore. And wearing pajamas to bed is not weird."
"Lie. You snore like the Queen Mary. And even if I snore, which I don't, it only strengthens my argument. And wearing a full shirt and pants to bed is definitely weird. But I didn't mean that. I thought about your weird pose where you lie completely still and straight with one of your legs outside of the blanket."
"Why is your example of a ship always the Queen Mary? You know what, don't answer that. Better explain how us having a business together will help with marriage. People have reason to say not to mix business and pleasure."
"That is utter bullshit. What is marriage if not a legal commitment, which is exactly what our partnership is."
"So, you’re saying that we should have a three-way marriage with Steven."
"Ew, gross. Also, our budget can't handle golden boy maintenance."
"Yeah, we most certainly don't have the money for all that truffle and gold. I can barely afford Thai food and popcorn."
"Exactly. Also, when we’re married, we will have all those sweet tax cuts and other legal bonuses."
"Ryan, we have a similar income. We literally own a business together and will most likely have tax penalties, not bonuses."
"No, Shane, everyone knows that when you are married, your taxes are lower. It's like common knowledge."
"You didn't know that we had cloned a sheep. You are the last person to talk about common knowledge."
"Why are you so mean to me?"
"I am not mean. I am honest. Also, the tax thing is most definitely not true."
"Okay, even without tax bonuses, we will save a shitload of money on living. Shane, we will share Netflix and Hulu. And don't even mention gas money and rent. Maybe we'll even be able to afford a house in a year or two!"
"Oh, you even thought about the house. By the way, Ryan, what about children? You’ve always wanted them. Neither of us has the right organs to produce them. So…"
"I am open to adoption or a surrogate. Don't tell me that you don't want children. I know for a fact that you wanna be a dad. Also, we can wait until we buy a house and we’re more comfortable with our marital status. It will definitely help our adoption chances."
"Marriage, buying a house, adoption. Ryan, it is not funny anymore. Let's finish this ridiculous conversation and return to our takeout and movie."
"Okay, I'm done with this. Why are you so opposed to the idea of marrying me?"
"Jeez, Ryan, I don't know, maybe because this is not a real thing. Like, I get it. You are tired and in a crisis. But you know, that’s not a reason to marry the first person you are comfortable with."
"Oh, I see. You think that I will change my mind. But I won't. I wanna marry you for real. And you didn't say that you don't want to marry me. So, for me, it's a win-win."
"Ryan, you can't give up love for marriage. You just need to wait. You will meet someone you can love and marry eventually. Don't give up."
"Wait a minute. Why do you think marriage will end our love? I know that you are pessimistic sometimes, but marriage is not a…."
"What? Ryan, I didn't mean love for a friend or bro. I meant romantic-wanna-get-in-your-pants kinda love."
"I know. And let me repeat - marriage won't end our romantic-wanna-get-in-your-pants-but-also-wanna-be-together-forever love."
"What are you talking about?"
"Did you hit your head recently? Shane, if you’ve hurt your enormous noggin, you should have said so at the beginning of this discussion."
"The fuck are you talking about? What's our love? Ryan, it’s not funny. I am tired of this bit. Let's take a break."
"How long should we pretend that we don't have feelings for each other? Shane, I am tired of this. Yeah, I thought romantic relationships could mess up our business and/or friendship before, but I am ready now. Let's get married and forget about our insecurities. You are my best friend and my partner. I love you and wanna marry you. And to be perfectly clear, I love you in all senses, including the biblical one."
And to deliver his point across, Ryan kissed Shane.
"You should have started with this."
"I didn't want to mess up a serious discussion about our future with a kiss and inevitable consequences of it."
"I meant that you should've declared your love before talking about sleeping rituals and taxes."
"I literally said, “best friends, who obviously love each other” at the very beginning. It's not my fault you are an oblivious idiot."
"As I said before, you got no game. Absolutely no game."
"And as I said before, I can show you game, if you want, sugar."
"Oh my god, it's painful. Please, Ryan, don't show me any game."
"Okay, sweety, as you wish."
"Stop it."
"But, pumpkin pie, how else can I express my feelings for you?"
Shane laughed and kissed him.
"So, will you marry me?"
"Okay, Ryan. I will. But maybe, just maybe, let's date first?"
Ryan still proposed barely a month later. Shane said yes.