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"Ready, Buster?"
"Ready, Proton. Let's go save the world!" Harry grinned at Tom as they strode toward the holodeck. They took two steps through the doors, stopping dead in unison at the staggering sight that greeted them.
"Oh my God!" Tom whispered. Seven of Nine, fast asleep in a slinky red dress, atop Chakotay. Her arms were wrapped around him, and their legs were sinuously entwined. Both heads were tousled, and her lipstick had found its way onto his face. "Way to go, Chak!"
"Shh! Don't wake them!" Harry grabbed Tom's arm and pulled him back out of the holodeck. "What the hell? What are we gonna do?!"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna call B'Elanna -- "
"No! No, Tom, no! You do, and you're in this alone! I will claim I was never here and never saw a thing! What do you think Seven would do if she found out you were the one who blabbed that she slept with Chakotay? For that matter, what about him? He'd kill you! At the very least, you'd have to go in front of the captain for brawling, with assault on a superior officer thrown in for good measure. You wanna lose that shiny new pip? Is the brig really that comfortable? Your life's ambition may be to be busted down to crewman and scrub plasma manifolds, but mine is not! I've got no extra pips to lose!"
Backtracking over what he'd just said, Harry's eyes grew even wider as a couple of words stood out. "Oh, God! The captain! What's she going to do when she finds out!? Everyone on this ship knows how she feels about him, even though she won't admit it! She loves him, and this is gonna kill her!"
"And he loves her! He always has! At least, I thought he did. I was sure! I guess... do you think he's finally moved on? Got tired of waiting for her?"
The look on his friend's face told him Harry's thoughts on that suggestion.
"No, you're right. This is really weird. Maybe... maybe she got him drunk or something."
"He doesn't drink."
"Well, I don't know, Harry! This is just really..."
"What do you think we should do?"
"Well, we can at least wake them up! Then they'll either get out of here or at least engage the damn privacy lock!"
Harry nodded. "Come on..." He grabbed Tom and moved them down to a corridor junction, where they wouldn't be seen by the clandestine lovers if they decided to leave the holodeck.
Tom slapped his combadge. "Paris to Commander Chakotay."
"Yes, Lieutenant?"
Harry and Tom looked at each other in confusion. Chakotay sure didn't sound like a man just awakened from a sated sleep, and he didn't sound intoxicated, either.
"Did you need something, Paris? Or is this just a social call?"
"Uh, Commander, I know this is a weird question, but where are you?"
Chakotay was sounding more annoyed with each word. "I'm on the bridge. On duty. You could have asked the computer that, Paris. What do you want? If you called to chat -- "
"Uh, Commander, I think you better get down to Holodeck Two, now."
"Paris, what the hell are you talking about?!"
"I'd really rather not say over the comm. It's... a personnel issue."
"Well, can't it wait until later then?"
Paris sighed and tried not to lose his temper. "No, it can't. Just come down here. Please. Sir."
"I'm warning you, Paris." When the younger man didn't respond, he snapped, "Fine!" With a sigh that became a growl, Chakotay closed the channel. The two friends moved back toward the holodeck to stand in front of the doors.
"I can't believe this! That's a hologram?! What was she thinking?! Is she crazy?!"
"Keep your voice down, Tom! We don't want anyone else to know. I don't think she even knows how wrong this is, and I'm kinda nervous that we're about to sic the real Chakotay on her! Maybe we should wake her up..."
"No! We can't do that. We already called him, and he knows something's up. If he gets down here and we have nothing to tell him..."
"You're right. Maybe... maybe she's a hologram too! Maybe it's someone else's program!" His voice had risen hopefully. "Computer, locate Seven of Nine."
"Seven of Nine is in Holodeck Two."
"Oh, God. This is a BAD situation, Harry!"
They heard the ‘lift down the corridor slide open. "Damn. Too late." Harry muttered.
"This better be good..." Chakotay snapped, stalking up to them.
"Um, well, I wouldn't call it good. I think you should step inside, Commander, but do it quietly."
"What?! Why?"
"Just do it, sir. Please." Harry broke in, surprised at the strength in his own voice.
Chakotay glanced at them both, noting the set of their jaws. He shouldered past them onto the holodeck, freezing when he saw its occupants. Or rather, occupant.
"What the hell?!" he exclaimed, much louder than he'd meant to. He saw both sleepers startle awake and, not wanting to hear anything from his simulacrum, he barked "Computer, end program!"
Seven, deprived of her holographic lover as well as the holographic couch, fell to the deck with an ungainly squawk. Chakotay saw the confusion in her normally inexpressive eyes slowly change to horror as she realized who was in the room with her. She picked herself up, unable to meet his eyes. Her normal composure was shattered.
"C-commander! I... I -- "
"Forgot the privacy lock. I noticed. Go to the cargo bay; I'm too angry to discuss this now. I'm sure the captain will want to speak with you soon."
"But -- "
"Dismissed, Seven! If you don't go now..."
She rushed past him, nearly tripping over Harry, and both younger men were astounded to hear her breath hitching as she dashed toward the turbolift.
Chakotay strode out of the holodeck, fists and jaw clenched, and Tom involuntarily stepped back from the force of the anger burning in the older man's eyes. He glared from one to the other and back again.
"Com -- "
"You will speak of this to no one! Do you understand?!"
"Yes, sir!"
Their response was automatic. Harry realized something unpleasant; he took a deep breath, afraid of the commander's reaction. "Um, Commander. The captain has to be told. It's regulations."
If anything, Chakotay's countenance grew even more thunderous. His voice, which had risen in volume, suddenly became deadly calm. Never a good sign. "Don't you think I know that, Ensign? I am the first officer of this ship. I will tell her. You two will never speak of this again, not even to each other. If I ever find out that anyone else knows about this, I will hold you both personally responsible, and you will regret the day you were born. Plasma manifolds will look pleasant."
This time Tom spoke up. "Commander, the privacy lock wasn't engaged when we got here; that's why we found her. Anyone could have walked in and out before us."
Chakotay closed his eyes, sighing. Shit! This was worse than he thought. He didn't know which part of this whole disaster he hated more: Seven using him as a... plaything, or the fact that other people might think it was really he. Spirits, what a damn mess.
Harry spoke up. "Computer, when did Seven of Nine's allotted holodeck time begin?"
"2000 hours."
"Which crewmembers have been in Holodeck Two in the past hour and a half, since then?"
"Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Paris, Ensign Kim, and Seven of Nine."
"Thank God!" Tom breathed.
Chakotay inhaled and exhaled slowly, his ire momentarily muted by relief. "Thank you, Harry. Good idea. But that means I'm dead serious about what I said earlier. If anyone hears about this, you two will be held responsible, because I doubt she plans to spread it around the ship. Dismissed!"
"Yes, sir!"
Both executed smart about-faces and practically raced each other to get to the ‘lift, grateful to be away from that smoldering wrath. In their haste, they completely forgot about their planned excursion to save the world.
=/\= =/\= =/\=
Kathryn awoke with a start as the door to her quarters chimed. She sat up, knocking several padds to the deck. Damn. She'd fallen asleep on the sofa again, and she was going to pay for it with a stiff neck. The door chimed again, and she stared at it fuzzily, rubbing her neck. "Who is it?"
"Chakotay."
He sounded agitated. That's odd. Isn't he supposed to be on the bridge now?
"Come in..."
He stormed in, and she could tell he was more than agitated -- he was furious. "Chakotay? What's wrong?"
"You need to speak to that... borg! Now!"
She closed her eyes, sighing. Oh no. She thought he'd got all this out of his system years ago. Now what? He didn't continue, just paced angrily in front of her.
"Commander, report!"
Her command tone shook him at least partway out of his anger, and when he turned his gaze on her, she was startled by the intensity in his dark eyes. He quickly broke eye contact and continued pacing.
"Seven of Nine has been creating holograms of a crewmember for her personal use."
She gasped. "What? Who? What do you mean ‘personal use'?"
"She was found on the holodeck in the arms of a hologram of... a crewmember, and there was evidence of... intimate activity."
"Oh God! Who was it?!"
His silence, his wrath, and the twitch in his jaw more than answered her question.
"Chakotay!? You? Oh my God!" The sharp pang of jealousy she felt shocked her, and she rapidly pushed it down. She felt the beginnings of a smirk take its place. At least Seven has excellent taste...
Inappropriate, Kathryn! She tried to wipe the smirk off her face before he saw it, but she wasn't quite fast enough.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, Chakotay."
"Dammit, this is not a joke!"
"Commander! I don't care who you're angry at, I am your captain! You will remember that and you will not use that tone of voice with me!"
Her words, though they sounded angry, were only meant to calm him down and stop his frenetic pacing. In that, they succeeded. He immediately halted, coming directly to attention and staring at a point half a meter above her head as his jaw twitched even more furiously.
"Yes, ma'am!"
The bitterness in his voice pained her. "Oh, Chakotay, relax. I'm sorry. I was just trying to snap you out of it. Now calm down and tell me what happened, so we can figure out what to do about it."
He sagged into the chair opposite her. "I'm serious, Kathryn! This isn't a joke! Do you -- can you -- understand how violated I feel?"
"I wasn't laughing at you. I apologize. And no, I can't relate. This has never happened to me. At least, if it has, no one has ever been caught at it." The idea scared her, and she grimaced, suddenly able to see why he was so upset. "Did anyone else see her? Do we need to do damage control?"
"Tom and Harry found her. I've already threatened them."
She chuckled at his choice of words. "I'm sure you did. So, wait, you didn't find her? How do you know about this then?"
"Tom and Harry called me on... the... bridge." Chakotay's voice slowed down as he remembered Tom's odd call. He sprang up, pacing again. "Oh, Gods! They thought it was me! Me and her! I don't believe them! How could they think that!?"
The look of horror and near-revulsion on his face surprised her. She too stood up, unable to remain still in the presence of all his energy. "Well, Chakotay, you are a... handsome man, and she's a very attractive woman. It's not entirely unthinkable..."
He stared at her, her rare admission of appreciation completely swamped by his horror at her words. "She's... I... Kathryn! If you found Tom on the holodeck curled in Seven's arms, would you automatically assume the worst?"
"Well, no. But Tom and B'Elanna are married... he loves B'Elanna... you don't... you aren't -- " She saw the anguished look briefly cross his face and stopped. This was definitely not the way she wanted this conversation to be going. "That's not the issue now. So, Tom and Harry saw her. Did anyone else see her? Did you speak to her?"
"No, no one else saw her; Harry checked. And yes, I did speak to her. I'm the one that woke her up and ended her damn fantasy! I was pretty upset with her, and it showed. She reacted... emotionally." He recalled her hurried escape from the holodeck but couldn't bring himself to feel any sympathy for her. She'd used him. Even if it wasn't really him, it still was, in a way...
"Oh, Chakotay, what did you say to her?"
"Kathryn! You make it sound like she's a victim here! Yes, I was upset with her, but I had a right to be! And I didn't even say anything of import to her. Just basically told her to get out and that I was sure you'd want to speak with her. She ran out. That's it! Don't tell me you feel sorry for her!?"
"Seven isn't like other women, Chakotay. Emotionally, she's still fairly young... she probably had no idea that what she was doing was wrong!"
"Kathryn... Captain... with all due respect... that's bullshit. I don't care about her emotional state; this isn't about emotions, this is about sex. Even if she does... desire me sexually, or something... she claims to know all about Starfleet regulations now, claims to have studied them in depth. There are regulations against this -- many of them. She knew. This was not right, and she knew, and she did it anyway! And now you're defending her actions!"
His anger may have made him passionate, but that detracted nothing from the truth of his argument. She thought, really thought, about his words and realized he was right. Seven should have known better. She looked up into his dark eyes and was amazed at the wave of desire that swept over her. Damn, he looks good when he's angry. But then, he always looks good. Usually she was proficient at suppressing her reaction to him, but this incident had him taut like a bowstring, and the tension in the air was making her dizzy.
She shook her head to clear it and took a step back, instinctively increasing the distance between them. She noticed his puzzled gaze and smiled, slightly embarrassed at having been caught at her musings. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I was... thinking about your remarks. You're right. I will think of an appropriate disciplinary action and mete it out. But not before I find out her side of the story. I will have a talk with her, and I will let you know -- as first officer and as an involved party -- what I decide."
"Thank you... and I would expect nothing less of you than to hear her out. However, I want to be there when you do so."
"No, Chakotay."
"Kathryn, you yourself said I'm an involved party in this! Don't you think I deserve an explanation?!"
She glanced at him but quickly lowered her eyes, and again he was struck by her unwillingness to really look at him. "Fine. Yes, you deserve an explanation, and you will get one. But I will speak with her first." She saw him open his mouth to protest, and continued quickly. "No, Chakotay. That's it. I will speak with her, and then the three of us will have a conference. Take it or leave it."
He sighed. "All right."
"Come on, I'll walk back to the bridge with you. I'll meet with Seven in my ready room. Just give me a minute."
He paced her living area, still unable to relax, occasionally growling softly in anger. After she tidied up her appearance, they headed to the bridge. It was a quiet trip, and in the confinement of the turbolift, the force of his continuing anger disturbed her. The mood on the bridge dropped noticeably at their entrance, as the crew caught the thunder in his expression and the grim weariness in hers. She touched his shoulder on her way to the ready room, and his head snapped in her direction. She smiled at him, trying to keep his temper reined in, and his eyes softened, just a little. He'd be okay for a few minutes; she wouldn't lose any crewmembers as long as they didn't ask stupid questions.
As the door slid shut behind her, she called out, "Janeway to Seven of Nine."
"Here, Captain."
"Seven, please come to my ready room. Enter through the corridor, please, not the bridge."
"Yes, Captain. I am on my way."
The shakiness of Seven's voice worried her, but she pushed it down, repeating Chakotay's argument to herself. She knew that she had a soft spot for Seven, but she couldn't allow that to interfere with her duties as captain. She recalled Tom's demotion and the clashing emotions it had evoked in her, and she was grateful that that level of punishment would not be necessary this time.
When Seven entered the room, her captain looked closely at her. Something was different about the younger woman's appearance. Then she realized what it was. Seven had been crying; Kathryn was stunned.
"Captain."
Kathryn cleared her throat, unsure of how to begin. "Seven, Commander Chakotay informs me that you have been engaged in questionable activity on the holodeck. I'm going to give you a chance to explain yourself before I decide whether disciplinary action is necessary."
Seven nodded, and her face flushed. "I have been... attempting to explore the... emotional side of being human, as I have lately come to realize that emotion is not as irrelevant as I once thought it was. It has been extremely enlightening, if somewhat difficult at times. I created holographic quarters and a uniform for myself, and I engaged in various hobbies. I also wished to investigate the... intimate aspects of my humanity. I realize now that this was not done in the best manner that it could have been."
"To say the least. Seven, you claim to have extensively studied Starfleet regulations."
"Yes, Captain."
"Then you must be aware that creating a hologram of a fellow crewmember and engaging in... sexual relations with that hologram breaks several of those regulations."
"Captain, I must stress that copulation was not involved. The hologram and I did little more than kiss. This wasn't about sex -- at least, not completely."
"I'm glad to hear that, and I'm sure the commander will be as well. However, that does not answer the question. Did you know that what you did -- whether or not sex was involved -- was against regulations?"
Seven nodded but didn't speak.
"I'm sorry; I didn't catch your response." Kathryn gritted her teeth. It was damned frustrating sometimes that Seven didn't have a rank. Kathryn couldn't impart enough emphasis without direct address, and to use her name -- or rather, her designation -- would add a personal aspect she didn't want to add.
"Yes, Captain, I knew."
"Seven, creating a hologram of someone you know without that person's permission is not only against regulations, it's also morally wrong. While I might be able to excuse the latter because you're new -- " She stopped, realizing what she was saying. "Actually, no, I don't believe I can anymore. Seven, you have been a member of this crew for several years now. I had hoped that by now you would have absorbed some of our morals, as well as our laws. I'm disappointed in you, Seven, as your captain, and as your mentor."
The look of hurt that sprang into Seven's eyes surprised Kathryn. Whatever Seven had been doing on the holodeck had really loosened her up emotionally. Kathryn hadn't expected for her comment to cut Seven so deeply.
"I... apologize, Captain."
"Oh, Seven, I'm not the one you need to apologize to. As to that, after we are finished here, Commander Chakotay will be joining us. He wishes to speak with you. That is not a request," she added, seeing Seven open her mouth to speak. "Do you have anything else you'd like to say that will be put in the official logs?"
Seven shook her head and grew flushed again but remained quiet. Then, remembering her earlier lesson, she added, "No, Captain."
Kathryn fell silent, musing about the whole mess. What should she do; what punishment should she mete out? She knew that she had to discipline Seven, but at the same time, she didn't want to entirely put her off exploring her humanity. She just didn't want the exploration to continue in this fashion. While she pondered, she watched Seven out of the corner of her eye. Seven had always shown poise, and while she didn't exactly fidget now, neither did she appear to be completely comfortable. Seven was such an enigma, and Kathryn could definitely see how she would view Chakotay as a challenge.
The captain stood, drawing herself up to her full height and giving Seven her best captain's glare. The effect was somewhat muted by the fact that she had to do it gazing upwards, since the younger woman still topped her by several inches.
"Seven of Nine, you are hereby formally reprimanded for illegal use of the holodeck. A formal notice will be placed in your personal file. Your replicator privileges are suspended for one month, and you are banned from personal, recreational use of the holodecks for three months. Furthermore, you are restricted to your quarters except for duty shifts and regular exercise for the next three weeks. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Captain." Her voice was very soft, lacking its normal imperious tone.
Kathryn curtly nodded once, suddenly weary. "Good." Thank God that's over with. "Now, Seven, before I call the commander in here, I'd like to speak to you, as a friend rather than as your captain. This is all off the record, and if you don't wish to speak to me about this, that's your decision, but I'd appreciate it if you did."
"Of course, Captain. I shall endeavor to answer your questions to the best of my ability."
"Relax, Seven, this isn't an interrogation. It's just that I don't completely understand all this. It's unlike you. If you were interested in continuing to explore your humanity, why didn't you go to the Doctor for help again? Why didn't you come to me? Haven't we always aided you before? Has your opinion of our help -- or of us -- changed?"
"No, Captain, of course not; I am always grateful for your help. However, I have noticed that you greatly value independence and self-reliance in your crew. I also know that some members of the crew feel that I have received... special treatment on board Voyager; I have heard myself discussed when the speakers were not aware that I was able to hear them. I was attempting to move forward with my experiments on my own, in order to gain that self-reliance while simultaneously exploring my humanity. I realize now that I would have benefited greatly from your guidance and support. I am sorry for disappointing you..." Her voice began to quaver, and she stopped speaking, breaking Kathryn's gaze.
Kathryn nodded again, feeling her own eyes tear up. She felt such responsibility for Seven; with the way her life was shaping up out here, the ex-borg was most likely the closest thing she would ever have to any sort of a daughter. Indeed, the anger and disappointment she felt at Seven's actions felt more motherly than captainly. The jealousy, however... Kathryn was very carefully keeping that particular feeling tightly bottled up.
"Seven, malicious gossip is a fact of life that all of us must face, especially in a closed environment like Voyager. Yes, it's hurtful, but that is what friends like the Doctor -- and me -- are here for. We're here to support you; you are not alone on Voyager, no matter how it may seem at times. And yes, perhaps it's true that you have received special treatment, but you have been a special... case. I have tried very hard not to make that treatment preferential, and it angers me that some of my crew seem to disagree but are unwilling to express that disagreement through the proper channels. However, that is not the issue today. I certainly accept your personal apology, Seven, but that definitely does not mean I excuse your actions."
Seven nodded, keeping her head down. "I understand, Captain. Thank you."
Kathryn continued. "Thank you, Seven, for discussing this with me. I hope that you will do so in the future before you get yourself into another situation like this one. Now, I believe it's time for you to speak to Commander Chakotay. This will no doubt be difficult; he's extremely upset. I will be here to mediate, but I think it's important for you to see the consequences your actions have on others. Janeway to Chakotay."
"Yes, Captain?"
"Commander, please report to my ready room."
"Aye, Captain."
In the few seconds before the chime rang, Seven grew increasingly agitated, awaiting the coming confrontation. When the signal came, she jumped.
"Come in."
Chakotay stepped in, and his anger, which had faded somewhat during his time on the bridge, returned in force. His eyes blazed, and Kathryn could see the fury in them. If it hadn't been Chakotay, she would have feared for Seven's safety -- and yet, if it hadn't been Chakotay, this probably wouldn't be as big of an issue. Many men would have been flattered to find Seven's attention focused on them like this.
"Sit down, both of you." She figured emotions would be less likely to boil over if they were seated instead of pacing.
As they sat, Seven turned to face him, but he stared straight ahead, unable or unwilling to look at her. His jaw muscle was working subtly, and his knuckles were white from gripping the arms of the chair.
"Commander, I sincerely apologize for my actions. In my attempts to explore my own humanity, I inadvertently caused you pain. It was... wrong of me. I am sorry."
Kathryn could hear the fear and regret in her carefully chosen words, picked to conceal from him the depth of her feelings. Chakotay probably would have heard it too, in normal circumstances, but in his anger, all he heard was her precise diction and her formal wording. To him, her apology sounded forced and insincere.
"That's the best you can do?! Dammit, how could you do this!?"
Both women jumped at the volume of his voice, rather than his words. Chakotay rarely yelled.
"Commander, you will lower your voice and control yourself, or this conversation is over."
He glared at her but held his tongue. The tension in the room mounted with each silent second. Just when Kathryn thought she'd have to speak, he turned his glare on Seven. She recoiled noticeably but didn't break his gaze. When he spoke again, his voice was flat and uninflected.
"Why, Seven? Why did you do this? Why me? Why not Tom, or Harry, or Ayala, or some unknown hologram? Why make me your... sex toy?!"
"Commander, the hologram was not you; it was a hologram based upon you. And it was not a sex toy. I did not engage in sexual relations with it."
"Seven, I saw you! I saw him! Covered in your lipstick! You were in his arms! You were wrapped around him like a damn blanket!"
"The hologram and I did not copulate; we did little more than kiss. Commander, I realize that you are upset, but I must stress that the situation appeared more serious than it was."
Her voice was uncharacteristically full of emotion, and the unfamiliar tone forced him to listen to her words. He looked surprised at her revelation, but his anger and confusion didn't fade. "Then... I don't understand. Why? What was the purpose of this whole thing, if not sex?"
"I admit that I did create the hologram in order to explore my sexuality. I had not planned to include very much foreplay or interaction of any kind, except for what was needed for biological purposes." She stopped at the pained look on Chakotay's face. "I am... sorry, Commander. I do not know how to discuss this any other way but frankly. I do not mean to cause you any more pain, but you did express a desire to know my motivations."
"Just go on." His voice sounded strained.
"I found myself... fascinated by the hologram. I used your psychological profile as well as your biological profile to create it, and it began to engage me in serious conversation, which I did not expect. Commander, it is no secret that you and I have not always gotten along, and we have never conversed openly like that, though I have observed you doing so with other crewmembers. It was... pleasant. We discussed many subjects: religion, friendship, wants, and needs, among others.
"My aims to explore my sexuality were... not dispelled, but rather, pushed aside temporarily. My interactions with the hologram began to take on the characteristics of a relationship, similar to the ones in which other crewmembers engage. After our... date tonight, we again became involved in the physical aspect, and the hologram -- according to my specifications -- attempted to initiate copulation... but I could not go through with it. It suddenly seemed... too soon. I was... content just to fall asleep in his -- its arms. We were discovered before it could go any further -- fortunately, as it happens."
As Seven spoke, Kathryn could feel her heart breaking for her protégée. Seven had been falling in love with her creation, feelings with which Kathryn certainly identified. For all intents and purposes, her hologram was as close to the real Chakotay as was possible, and Kathryn could certainly understand the fascination... and the love... that the hologram engendered in Seven. She had made a mistake using his psychological profile to create a hologram for purely biological purposes, but it was a mistake that seemed to have added -- albeit painfully -- to her education.
Chakotay was stunned. He had been prepared for Seven to own up to using the hologram purely for sex. He wasn't prepared for her to practically admit to falling for the hologram. His anger was still hugely present, but it was muted by his natural empathy for someone confused and unsure and his sympathy for a fellow person in love with someone they couldn't have. Kathryn had been right earlier -- this was about emotion more than sex, and Seven, while she understood that what she was doing was wrong, had not been emotionally prepared when she became attached to her fantasy.
When he spoke again, his voice had returned to his normally soft yet forceful tone, and Kathryn was pleased to hear the shift. He had been right; this conversation was necessary for both of them.
"Seven, you're right. We've never particularly gotten along. That's what I don't understand. Why did you choose to model your hologram on me?"
Seven shifted uncomfortably, glancing at Kathryn, who thought she detected a hint of guilt in that glance. Suddenly, she wasn't very sure she wanted to hear this, but she decided to let Seven speak her piece. She couldn't very well stop the younger woman without arousing Chakotay's suspicion.
"I attempted to create a hologram that would be the most... satisfying it could be. There were several reasons I chose you as a model, Commander. To begin with, you are aesthetically pleasing; your physical parameters conform to certain human ideals of male attractiveness. In addition, you are... more mature than many of the other men on the ship; thus, it is more likely that you are more sexually experienced, something I found... advantageous." She paused, reddening, and Kathryn was mildly amused to see that Chakotay looked slightly flushed as well. Then, she realized how uncomfortable this must be for him, and her amusement faded. Seven began to speak again, keeping her eyes downcast.
"Also, I have seen the way that... some women on the ship react to your presence -- one in particular."
Kathryn tensed, and the movement caught Chakotay's eye. He looked up, puzzled, and realization slowly dawned on him when he saw the worried look in her eyes. Suddenly, he was the amused one, and his amusement was not so carefully hidden as hers had been. "Go on," he urged, anxious to see what she said and to see how long it would take for Kathryn to put an end to this discussion.
"The c -- her pupils dilate in your presence; her skin flushes and her respiration and pulse quicken. Her hips sway more when she walks. She decreases her personal space requirement by 15-20% and her physical contact quotient rises. That is all biological information. Psychologically and emotionally, she looks to -- "
"Thank you, Seven. I believe that's enough to satisfy the commander's desire to know your motivations." My God, am I that obvious?! No wonder the poor man is stuck on me!
"But, Captain -- "
"Commander." Don't push your luck. "Do you have any other questions for Seven regarding this matter?"
"No, Captain."
"Seven, you're dismissed. Your punishment begins now; please return to the cargo bay. Tomorrow morning, you and I will meet to delete the program in question -- and any others like it -- from the holodeck."
Seven nodded, unable to look at either of them. "Yes, Captain."
She stood and headed for the door. As she reached it, Chakotay called, "Seven."
She turned to look at him but did not speak.
"Thank you for explaining everything to me. I am still... unhappy about your actions, but at least I understand them a bit better now. And Seven, you should try to make an effort to socialize more with the crew. Learning to get to know people and make friends is... slow, and sometimes painful, for everyone, but it's necessary. While you didn't do it the right way, you made a first step. Just make sure that the rest of your steps are on the right path."
He stopped, seeing the brightness of her eyes. "Thank you, Commander. I truly am sorry," she said softly, and her voice was trembling. She turned and left the room.
Kathryn watched as Chakotay took several deep breaths, absorbing the information he'd just been given. Finally, he looked at her. "Punishment? What did you decide, Kathryn?"
She sighed. "Reprimand for illegal holodeck use, formal notice in file. No replicators for one month, no holodecks for three months. Restricted to quarters for three weeks, except for duty shifts and exercise. What do you think?"
Chakotay was impressed. He'd expected her to give Seven a slap on the wrist, given her past history with the ex-borg. Instead, it seemed like she'd pulled out all the stops. "Well, you know I'd back you up in your decision, no matter what it was, but in this case I think you made wise choices. If I may speak freely..."
Kathryn snorted. "Chakotay, you know that you can always speak freely."
He eyed her with an inscrutable look. After a moment, he continued. "It's actually more than I expected -- not that I'm complaining," he hastened to add as she opened her mouth.
"I'd like to think that it's the same punishment I'd have given any crewmember, but to tell you the truth, I don't know. Our... friendship and my high expectations of her may have complicated matters. And I decided on the disciplinary action before your discussion with her." She sighed again. "I didn't expect for her to have fallen in love with the damn thing."
He shook his head. "Neither did I. That threw me for a loop. You were right; this was about emotion more than sex. She's changed, Captain, and I didn't know that because she's right. I don't talk to her. I talk to everyone else on the ship, but I don't talk to her. I've never given her the chance that I would have given anyone else on Voyager. I'm not doing my job where's she concerned. And the thing is, now I don't think that I can change that, even if I want to. If I start to change my attitude toward her, she may transfer those feelings to me, if she hasn't already. I don't know what to do."
He'd lowered his head, scrubbing his face with his hands, and she took the rare opportunity to study him. He was right. He couldn't change his attitude toward Seven without the risk of a transference of feelings. Kathryn's stomach heaved at the idea of Seven in love with Chakotay. She could just about handle the idea of her in love with a hologram of him, but the thought of her Chakotay in Seven's arms made her want to throw something heavy... preferably at Seven.
Her Chakotay?! Since when --
"See something interesting?"
Kathryn snapped back to herself with a start to see him gazing back at her with a half-smile. She was furious with herself for being caught staring like a cadet with a crush, and even angrier when she felt the blush creep up her cheeks.
"I apologize, Chakotay. I didn't mean to stare. I was lost in thought. I think you may be right. It's probably best if you continue to maintain your distance from her for a while."
"Protocol. For the good of the ship." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.
"And for her own good," Kathryn added softly. When he opened his mouth to retort, she cut him off. "At least until the infatuation fades somewhat."
"What if it's not infatuation?"
His voice had softened in response to hers, and Kathryn closed her eyes. All of a sudden, this conversation was no longer about Seven. She didn't want to be having this conversation, not now.
"Oh, I don't think we need to worry about that. I don't think Seven's emotionally capable of anything more than infatuation at this point."
He sighed in defeat, and the sound tore at her. "You're probably right, Captain. I'd... like to discuss this further with you, but you are off duty, and it's just about time for a shift change. Tomorrow?"
"Of course, Commander. Go take care of the shift change."
He nodded, standing and heading for the door. Only when she heard the doors slide shut did she stand. She wandered over to the viewport and stared out at the stars for a while, but eventually she returned to her desk and sat behind it. She thought better here; things always seemed more focused.
Protocol. For the good of the ship.
What was good for the ship, anymore? A distant, wary command team constantly walking on eggshells? A bitter, lovelorn first officer? A snappish captain with constant headaches caused by dealing with conflicting emotions?
The crew's opinion on the matter was clearer to her than ever. She opened her desk drawer and pulled out a padd, staring at the dark, inactive screen.
She'd found the padd in the mess hall that morning, during one of her insomnia-driven walk-throughs. She'd been sitting at a table in the dark room with a cup of coffee, trying to ignore the throbbing in her temples, when she'd spied a glint of light, way in the corner on the floor. The padd was still active, and she'd guessed it had been accidentally dropped and kicked into its hiding spot during the mad scramble of a red alert.
She'd only meant to quickly scroll the contents, intending to figure out the author so she could return it. But the title had solved that problem for her: "Active Bets." Only one man on the ship was in charge of the unauthorized betting pools. She'd have to find a way to return the padd to Tom without letting on that she'd found it. After all, a little bit of betting was good for mor -- her train of thought had been abruptly derailed by what she saw next.
First Kiss, Location:
-- Ready Room
-- The quarantine planet
-- Shore leave
-- Turbolift
-- Captain's quarters
-- XO's quarters
-- Shuttle he's piloting, after it crashes...
Furious, she'd stopped reading and stormed out of the mess hall toward a turbolift, intent on finding Tom and bludgeoning him with the padd.
In the turbolift, her eye had fallen on the numbers column. Nearly 140 people had bet on that kiss. Almost her entire crew. She'd sagged against the ‘lift wall, overwhelmed. They wanted this! They were... rooting for it.
She'd abruptly changed the turbolift's direction, deciding to stow the padd in her ready room. She'd meant to talk to Tom about it today, but the business with the missiles, and then the thing with Seven, had driven it to the back of her mind.
Her door chimed, dragging her back to the present.
"Come in," she called, and the weariness in her voice disturbed her.
Chakotay strode in. "Still here, Kathryn? Go to bed." He nodded at the padd she still held. "That had better not be a report."
She stood, and he was shocked by the uncertain look on her face. "Chakotay, are you headed anywhere important right now?"
"Just to the mess hall to get something to eat, but it can wait. What's going on?"
She drifted over to the couch, still clutching the padd. She dropped down onto it, gesturing for him to do the same. He did, remaining silent, and when she looked up, he was staring at her, concern in his eyes and etched into his worried brow. She handed him the padd.
He glanced down at it and then back up at her. If anything, his frown was deeper.
"You were staring at an inactive padd?! Kathryn, are you okay?"
"Just activate it."
He tried, but a warning tone sounded and a flashing message appeared. "Authorization code required."
She grabbed it back from him. "Computer, deactivate encryption codes on this padd. Authorization Janeway Alpha Sigma Nine." When the contents appeared, she handed it back to him, shrugging at the look on his face. "It was on when I found it this morning. I just shut it off to conserve its power."
Chakotay's concern faded into a half-smile when he saw the file heading, but all traces of amusement vanished as he read further. His face flushed, and his eyes narrowed. "I'll kill him. I told him -- " He moved to rise, but her hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Wait! You knew about this?!"
He sighed.
"Since when?!"
He sighed again. "I don't really know, Kathryn. Last year, sometime, I guess. I didn't hear about it other than the first time, so I assumed he knew what was good for him."
"Why the hell didn't you inform me?! We could have put a stop to the damn thing!"
His eyes blazed. "I did! Or, I thought I had. Kathryn, if we'd stood up in public and denied it, it would have only fueled the rumors. You know this crew! I didn't tell you because I didn't think you needed to know. Like I said, I thought I'd handled it. I warned Paris that it had better stop, and that if I found out about it again, there'd be hell to pay. I told him it was illegal, insubordinate, and disrespectful of you, me, and the command structure, and -- " he stopped himself before he finished his thought.
"And?"
"That's it."
"Oh, no, there was something else there. Tell me, Chakotay, please."
His eyes stayed locked on the padd as he answered. "I told him that it was pointless and a waste of time and rations to bet on something that would never happen."
Her heart broke at his tone. He was trying so hard to make it objective and failing miserably. Attempting to make him smile, she said lightly, "Well, if that's the tone you used, no wonder he kept it going."
His head flew up, and she actually flinched from the force of the fury in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was just as tight as it had been when he'd told her about finding Seven on the holodeck.
"Don't belittle me, Kathryn."
Well, that went over well! "Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. A member of my senior staff has fallen in love with my XO -- or at least a reasonable facsimile of him -- my chief helmsman has been encouraging my entire crew to place bets on my love life for years, and my XO knew about these bets and neglected to tell me. Over a third of my crew thinks I should kiss my XO right here in my office, and I'm beginning to think they may be right."
He blinked. "Kathryn?"
She pointed at the padd. "Ready room. 57 bets." And she kissed him.
At least, that was the plan. The moment her lips touched his, however, he jumped back, crying out as if she'd burned him.
"Kathryn?! What the hell are you doing?! I think we should get you to Sickbay."
She laughed, a short, sharp sound of disbelief. "What?! Why? You think I'm sick, or under alien control?"
"You're behaving very erratically, Kathryn. I don't understand what's going on here."
She could hear the confusion and barely contained panic in his voice. She snorted. "That makes two of us. Look, Chakotay, I... I don't understand it all either, but I'll try to explain. When I found that padd, it was as if... like someone had pulled a card out of this house of cards I've built myself into. I've always pushed away this relationship using the crew's welfare as an excuse. But they want this! The whole crew wants this! I've worked so hard to hide my wishes that I've blinded myself to theirs, when actually, both are the same. I've pushed my needs away for the good of the ship, when -- if this is to be believed -- what's best for the ship and crew and morale is for me to... accept this."
He took a steadying breath as a precursor to speech, and she placed a hand on his lips. "Please. Let me finish. This is hard enough." The heat of his skin nearly undid her, and she removed her hand as soon as she was sure he'd let her speak.
"Now, a house of cards can sometimes stand if you remove one card. But remove the one under that... I've forced myself to believe that a relationship between... the command team would disrupt the entire command structure. But then... I thought about the state of the command structure lately. On duty, we avoid each other when we can, and when we can't, we're distant, edgy. The command structure's already suffering from our relationship, whether or not it's an intimate one."
Then, she lowered her voice and mumbled something he couldn't hear. "What did you say, Kathryn?"
She sighed. "I said, ‘And then there's the fact that I'm jealous of Seven.'"
Chakotay's mouth fell open.
"She did use your biological profile as a starting point. While on an intellectual level, I know he -- it -- wasn't you, a primal part of my brain is screaming, ‘She's kissed him and you haven't! She knows how his lips feel, how his skin feels!' And if it had gone farther -- "
"Don't. Don't even say it; I don't want to think about it. Kathryn, she may have kissed something that looked like me, but it wasn't me. He -- it -- doesn't have my feelings, my spirit, my soul. That can't be recreated, no matter how many damn profiles she used."
"What are your feelings, Chakotay? Please, I've told you mine."
"No, Kathryn, you haven't. Yes, it's true, you've admitted to jealousy, but other than that, all you've told me is why your excuses don't work for you anymore."
"I love you," she said without hesitation. Then, frustrated, she added. "God, that doesn't begin to explain how I feel. I can't... I'm joyous in your presence, and empty in your absence. When we argue, every word is a wound, but when we laugh, it's... like sunrise. And right now, I'm more terrified than I have been at almost any other time in my life. Oh, Chakotay, please... don't," she begged, seeing the tears that slipped from under his closed eyelids. "I didn't mean..."
She reached up to wipe the tears away but froze, afraid to touch him, and her hand hovered above his cheek. He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his cheek and then his lips. When he spoke, with his eyes still closed, she shivered at the feeling of his warm breath on her fingers.
"How... you've pushed me away so many times, Kathryn, and a part of me died each time. How do I know that it isn't going to happen again? What if you change your mind tomorrow morning? It would kill me this time, Kathryn, to be this close to you and then have to give it up."
She caressed his cheek, and this time, he trembled. "Chakotay, I wouldn't have brought this up -- I wouldn't have made this confession -- if I wasn't sure this is what I want. I love you, and I want to be with you, and I don't really care anymore what the Admiralty will say when we get back. The people here, closest to us, want this for us, and I want this for us. What do you want?"
He caught and held her hand again, fighting to control his breathing and his pulse, to think clearly, stay above the joy and desire rushing through him. There was a lot to talk about, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused.
"I want... I want a relationship. No, a partnership. In which we are equals and we both have a say. I don't want an echo of our command relationship. It won't work that way."
Her eyes narrowed and he mimicked her earlier gesture, quieting her with his fingertips.
"No, my turn now. You're used to getting your way, and that's as it should be. You're the captain, and you make the final decisions in regards to the ship. But I know that you think of our command relationship as a partnership, and that's what scares me. When was the last time you actually listened to and considered my advice and ideas, instead of just using me as a sounding board to figure out the details of your own plan? Don't get angry -- just think about it for a minute, please."
She did as he asked, trying to control the angry retorts bubbling just behind her lips. Her fury at his accusation slowly faded as she thought carefully about recent events.
"My God, you're right. I haven't been listening to you lately. God, Chakotay, I'm so sorry. I've been so unfair; I can't even ask for your forgiveness, I've been so wrong. Why haven't you said something before now?"
"Would you have listened to me before now? Or would you just have let what I said go in one ear and out the other with no stop in between? You are so frustrating sometimes, Kathryn, and there's been nothing I could do about it! You're more receptive tonight than you have been in months, probably years!
"Can you see why I'm worried about the dynamics of a relationship between us? Kathryn, if this relationship is going to happen, I need you to promise me that you'll try to listen to me, learn to compromise. I don't expect that you'll do it perfectly right away, but I need you to try.
"And I don't only mean outside of this room. You chose me as your first officer in order to help our crews get home. They may be one crew now, but we're both still here. I need to feel like I'm helping, that my contributions are welcomed. I need to be allowed to do my job. Can you do that?"
"Yes," she replied immediately. Under his intense stare, her confidence faltered. "I'll try, Chakotay; I promise. But I need you to tell me when I'm not listening to you. I'm aware of this now, and I'll hear you. Okay?"
He nodded, smiling. "Thank you. And Kathryn?"
"Hmm?"
"No ancient legends this time. I love you."
Unable to speak, she simply smiled, tears filling her eyes.
His smile morphed into a wicked grin, and he hit her with the full force of his dimples. "57 bets, hmm?"
She laughed. "Oh yes..." She leaned forward, brushing her lips against his, and this time he didn't pull away.
He groaned, pulling her into his arms and crushing his mouth to hers. He reached up to cradle her face, stroking the soft skin at her temples, and shivered when she did the same, tracing the familiar yet unmapped lines of his tattoo.
He slid his tongue lightly across her lips, tasting her, willing them to open for him. She assented with a moan, running her fingers through his short, thick hair. Her tongue wandered out to explore his, and the duel that ensued ignited a fire stronger than either had felt before. The kiss went on and on as they both grew lightheaded from desire and lack of oxygen.
Finally, Kathryn placed both hands on his chest and forcibly broke away, though both instantly felt bereft by the loss of contact. They both gasped and panted, drawing in huge quantities of air, and when he had enough breath, Chakotay laughed shakily.
"What's so funny?"
"We're still going to have to find a way to punish Paris..."
Her laughter echoed his. "Well, any ideas, Commander?"
"Oh, yes. I think the loss of lots and lots of replicator rations ought to cure this particular bad habit... Are there any bets for second kiss? After all, it's for the good of the ship..." And before she could reply, he pulled her to him again.