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It's been years since I last contacted him. I know he has a boyfriend now, but I still don't want to break the promise we made. Hesitantly, I reached out to ring him.
"Umm hello who is this?" feelings rushed into my heart, over-flooding it with memories and emotions, from just the short words spoken in his honey-like tone.
"Y-yeah, t-this is S-seungmin." I cursed myself for tripping over my own words.
"Oh my god, Seungmin!! I haven't heard from you in years! How are you doing?" he asked gleefully.
'He was happy, wasn't he? Really happy with his boyfriend wasn't he?' I thought.
"Ha. I'm doing great." I blatantly lied. Yet he seemed to believe it, then again, he never realized I was lying any of the times I did, in the past.
"So what's the sudden reason you called?" he asked.
"Umm.. well you remember when you said to invite you when I had my first show. Well, I have it in one month." I explained.
"Oh my god! I'm so happy for you Seungmin. You are finally achieving your dreams." he said in a giggly tone.
'It wasn't originally mine Felix. It was you who convinced me to pursue this profession. It was you who made me love myself and my whole life. And now you're out of my grasp.' I brooded,
I didn't dare to say it out loud. After all, it wasn't him but me who broke his heart. All the hurt I caused him falls on me.
"Is it alright if I bring my fiancé to the show?" he asked with not a single trace of ill intentions in his voice.
My heart shattered. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but they won’t go past there because I won’t allow it.
"Fi-fiancé?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as calm as I could.
"Yes!! I'm so excited! I'm finally going to marry him. Can you believe it?" I could imagine him getting all jumpy. His fluffy hair bounces on his head, while he has the most blinding smile on his face.
"No. no I can't believe it," I said as the emotion drained out of my voice.
"Ahhhh! I know right!" he squealed like a middle schooler talking about their crush.
I couldn't help but chuckle at that, 'He hasn't grown a bit.'
The bittersweet moment prevailed for a minute of comfortable silence. We always could stay silent for a long time and it never became awkward.
"So what's going on in your love life?" the low voice practically screamed ‘Lenny face.’
"I love someone now." I lied again. Wow, when did lying become such a natural thing for me? I almost failed to hide my emotion that was seeping through, 'And that someone is you.'
"Oh my god! I'm so happy for you." I could imagine if he was here in person he'd be jumping around/ His hair would get all messy, his face plastered with a smirk. While he keeps on raising his eyebrows suggestively. Then he would get down from our bed and- Wait, it's not our bed anymore, it's just some rando's bed now.
"So about the marriage. Did you know it’s coming soon?" Felix’s voice sounded impatient as if he couldn’t wait for the event.
"Oh- Oh really?" I choked back a sob.
"So, I and Chan have decided to get married on Feb 14 we both thought it would be romantic," he said in a dreamy voice.
"Oh- Oh that's only one week before my show!" I said, trying to sound excited.
"Wow such a coincidence right?" he gushed.
"Lixie, we need to go to fittings." I heard Chan's voice call out from somewhere behind Felix.
"Oh okay," he called out back to him.
"Umm.. minnie I need to get going. Come to our wedding okay? bye-bye. Hehe. I’m coming Channie," And then Felix cut the call.
'He called me by my nickname again, even if he doesn't mean it in the same way he did. Although it's more than I will ever get again, I'm satisfied. He feels very happy with Chan, and Chan is a literal angel, so I'm also happy.'
Realizing Felix cut the call, I pushed all the feelings that escaped back in the basement making sure it wouldn't come again.
I began packing all my clothes and essentials for the long flight ahead of me. Mainly because I wanted to take my mind off what just happened and what’s going to happen.
-
I woke up early in the morning, and quickly brushed my teeth. I didn’t bother bathing, it was too much work. I just changed into something comfy, even if I’ll be in first class. I want comfort, and my clothes bring me comfort.
I soon get on to the plane and get directed to the first-class seat.
'Damn the company paying, sure has its advantages.' I thought.
I sat on the luxurious seat. I looked around, there wasn't anyone near me. Since I couldn't use my phone yet, I just used the device on the plane.
I clicked on Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood and played it on repeat. I decreased the volume until it only sounded like it came from a distance. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up later remembering that I forgot to ask Felix where the marriage was.
He was now getting married, wasn't he... He won't be mine anymore, then again he wasn't mine from when Chan came into his life. I decided to call Felix again to confirm where the marriage was happening.
"Uhh.. who is this?" Felix questioned in that beautiful voice of his.
"It's Seungmin... Again." I said.
"Oh. Hi Seungmin, what do you need?" Felix asked.
"I was just wondering where exactly, is the wedding?"
"Oh it is in New York City. or as Minho hyung says it's ‘New York shitty.' The exact address I’ll text you later." Felix giggled.
"Oh wow, what a coincidence I am performing in the same city," I replied.
'Yes, a coincidence. Not me, begging my boss to let me have my first performance in New York City because I knew it would be easier for you to come.' I ranted to myself.
"Where are you now?" Felix asked.
"Ahh... I'm on a plane to New York." I answered, I felt happy that our conversations weren’t awkward and at least seemed natural.
"Ohh...cool, I know the food is horrible in planes, so is the food horrible?" he asked, genuinely interested.
"It isn't as much as it would be in the passenger class," I replied, making my answer seem mysterious.
"So does that mean you're not in passenger class? When did our Seungmin become so cool?" Felix marveled.
“I’m not cool.” I denied.
“THE HYUNA SONG!! It’s such a bop,” Felix gushed.
“Minnie, it seems I’ve got to go again.” Felix pouted.
“It’s fine Felix, I’ll see you in New York?” I said.
“I’ll see you in New York.” Felix cut the phone.
I sighed, looking at the phone. 10 minutes. It said we talked with each other for ten minutes. And these 10 minutes will suffice for the next year or two.
'No matter if you take me or not I will always belong to you. But I have to live with the fact that you won't belong to me.' My thoughts drifted back to a more negative stream.
I take out my lyric book and finally work on the lyrics that I left for years. The same lyrics I’ve been trying to avoid for more than a while now.
'I first wrote this song for someone else, but now it's turning into something for you.'
-
I got off the plane and headed to my hotel where I was going to stay. It was marvellous, I wondered if I deserved it.
The king-sized bed in the middle was covered in velvety soft sheets which had a golden lining. The walls were painted white and the floor was made out of hardwood. Everything looked so expensive. I was afraid if I was going to break something, oh how much it would cost.
The jet lag caught up to me and I decided to sleep on the soft and fluffy bed. I slept in a flash, and only then did I notice how tired I was.
-
Do you think it's normal to go to your ex-husband's wedding with another man? No.
The things I’d do just to be near him, and I won't regret any of them as much as I regret letting him go. I had him in my grasp but I foolishly let go, now he's with someone else.
He seems to be happier here though, happier than he was with me.
I looked in the mirror at the suit I was wearing. It wasn't the one I wore on our wedding day, that would just be disrespectful. So, I bought a new one just for the wedding. Then again, I burned my wedding suit, so I wouldn't be able to wear it even if I wanted to. Because how could you wear a pile of ashes?
I got in the car the company lent and started driving to the destination. I reached and showed my invitation to get inside. I sat beside a tall male, his shiny, long hair slicked back with gel.
"Soooo~ how are you related to one of them~" the guy beside me asked in an annoying tone.
"I'm Felix's.... old friend." I let out a pained smile while turning to him.
He looked like someone I knew from the past but I couldn’t remember who exactly he was.
"Oh my god are you Seungmin?" He clasped his mouth in surprise.
‘Ah, Hyunjin.’ I realized.
“Yes,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Didn’t both of you date before?” he was confused.
I took in a shaky breath, “That was a thing of the past. We are now good friends.” I struggled to get out the last word.
“Good. I was going to fite you if my ship didn’t sail.” he held up his fists at me.
“I would never,” I reassured him. ‘Like I actually could.’
"He is such an angel isn't he," I asked absentmindedly.
"Who are you asking about? since both of them are angels."
"I was talking about Chan but yes both of them are angels."
'One I want, and the other is keeping me away from the first. But I am helpless, and every time I look at them it painfully reminds me he's not mine anymore.'
"You know I really can't read your face. Are you happy or not?" the guy questioned.
"I'm very happy." I gave a small smile facing him.
We sat through the wedding and the guy beside me started bawling, oh my god such a dramatic llama. I also let a few tears slip my eyes, after confirming that no one would suspect if I cry.
Then both chan and Felix kissed right in front of my eyes with very big smiles and both faces. My heart was shattering fading piece by piece but I smiled. If Felix is happy I am, no matter who is the one making him happy.
All I care about now is if he's happy, healthy, and living a nice life. I could live in a ditch for all I care, as long as he's happy I'm willing to run miles.
I kindly excused myself from the wedding not forgetting to give their gift and two tickets for both of them. We said our goodbyes and as soon as I got out of their eyesight.
I ran. Hoping the pain from my calves will mask the big hole in my heart.
'I should be happy. Felix is very happy with him, BE HAPPY!!!'
I calmed myself down before calmly exiting back to my hotel where I cried myself to sleep.
-
My Dear Felix
How are you doing on this fine day? I heard you got married to that angel? I mean I was there but. it just sounds better that way. I wish I was the one instead. You seem very happy with Chan, hope you have a nice life with him. I wish you all the best. I believe he is a very nice man and is someone, I could never be Your life is going to be coloured and bright with him and never will even a moment of it be dull. He will treat you like the prince you are just like I did or maybe even better than me. Did you know, I love you that Chan is probably the best man a person could ever get. He has everything you deserve nothing like me
Why did you even put up with me, to begin with? I'm such a mess. Why did you ever think you didn't deserve me, it was me who didn't deserve you. AND I JUST THREW IT INTO THE DUST!!
I'm sorry about everything I did to you in the past. I hope you can forgive me. I can't give an excuse for what I did. I hadn't even expected you to forgive me. Baby Felix, you're way too nice for your good. You forgave someone who broke your heart and threw it in the dust. So I will apologize now and apologize for a hundred times more, and even all that won't be enough. Why would you ever give me a chance when you have a whole Chan?
I can't thank you enough when you said you would come to my show. It filled me with joy. Thank you for forgiving me, Although I feel like I don't deserve it. I'll see you at tomorrow's show. thanks again for thinking of coming. I'm forever in your debt. :]
Yours,
Sincerely,
Forever Yours,
Kim Seungmin
-
I was on my way to the post office, to give Felix the letter I wrote. I didn’t read what I wrote in it. I never do, I always just write what feels right.
I was walking down the gloomy road, to reach the post office to mail the letter I wrote. My senses told me to read over the letter again just to be sure. So I read it again.
‘What did I write!?’ I swept my hand through my hair and pulled it.
The memories all came rushing in, like a big wave that came without any notice whatsoever.
-
December 3
Dear Diary,
Can you believe this? Hwang Hyunjin gave
me his sweater today! I'm really happy. I
can't believe I'm wearing the sweater of
someone so perfect. He also said it looked
better on me! Waa, my heart can't handle
this anymore.
From,
Seungmin
-
I looked up from my book, to eat more of the sweet chocolate cake I bought. I saw someone walk into the cafe, he looked as if he wasn't from here. I ignored it and continued writing in my book because I now had inspiration for a new song.
-
I still remember the third of December
Me in your Sweater
You said it looked better on me
Than it did you
Only if you knew how much I liked you
-
"Ooo~ What are you writing there?" the foreigner spoke in a thick accent that I couldn't exactly pinpoint where it was from. I was surprised by his voice it was much lower than he expected it to be.
"I don't think it's very polite to look at other people's belongings." I retorted.
"The lyrics were very nice if that's what you were doing." the foreigner hummed.
"Do you really think so?" I asked, a little hesitant.
"Yes it feels like the start of a very great song." he moved his hands as if he were showing a big screen.
I soon got interested in our conversation and completely forgot about the song I was writing. The person in front of me seemed to be much more interesting than a mere song.
"What's your name?" I asked him.
"I'm Felix. Lee Felix." he gave a goofy grin.
"Well hello Felix, I'm Seungmin. Kim Seungmin." I said in the same way James Bond would.
Felix giggled in response, as I laughed along with him.
-
I collapsed to the road, sobbing violently, with no one around. I stayed there for 5 mins before gathering myself and heading back to the hotel.
I opened the same book, the same book that witnessed every single thing I experienced with Felix, and finished writing down the lyrics.
'Again, how did a happy song about a high school crush, end up being a heartbreaking song about my ex-husband. How times change.' I thought.
-
I get ready for my show, the makeup artist put my makeup on and I wore my outfit. I went to PD-nim and asked him if I could switch out the previous song for something else I wrote.
PD-nim argued that they wouldn't be able to get the track ready in time. So he won't be able to change the song. Then I suggested, that I could just sing the song with guitar in my hand, after a lot of convincing he gave up.
Feeling very nervous I walked up on the stage with nothing but a guitar and my heart in my hands. I searched for Felix in the crowd. The tickets I gave them were the centre states in the middle of the venue, so Felix would be right in front of me every time I look up. He wasn't close to me but he was definitely at a place where I could see him.
"Hello, I am Kim Seungmin. And this is my song, Heather. I hope you like it." I gave them a small smile before taking a deep breath.
And then I started,
-
I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater
You said it looked better on me than it did you
Only if you knew how much I liked you
But I watch your eyes as she walks by
I looked straight into Felix's eyes, as his eyes widened. 'He must've recognized the lyrics.' I thought.
Walks by,
What a sight for sour eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die.
'Well, he finally gets to hear the song he once thought was going to turn out to be great.'
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
'Did he get who I was talking about?' I wondered. 'Well, he should know soon enough.'
Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
But how could I hate her, she's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she
I kept on looking at Felix while singing 'He must've realized by now it wasn't about Hyunjin anymore. I've lost my feelings for that guy from the day I met you.'
Walks by,
What a sight for sour eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die.
From all of this one thing is very clear,
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
I poured out all my emotions into the belting, I've stuffed in my heart for more than a few years now. Thin drops of tears slipped down my eyes, my eyesight started to get blurry but I kept focusing on Felix. If I didn't do this now I would never get over him, one thing I'm sure he would do is,
He would ignore me serenading him and will forget all about it. I looked up at Felix again, he just gave me a pained smile and mouthed 'It's okay. It happens.'
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were
'heather.'