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The absence of Levi doesn’t come as a surprise to him. Among tables of soldiers and squad leaders, with drink and food and laughter, Erwin cannot help but take notice of their missing man. It’s a special occasion, and unfortunately, during those occasions, Levi seems to steer clear.
The first time a wildly successful expedition occurred with the distrusting, serrated-edged Levi in their midst, it had only been a mere six months since his recruitment. By then, he was far from friendly, merely tolerating, so Erwin expected the lack of enthusiasm. But Levi was simply gone the entirety of the evening, and into the morning. Returning only when he showed up for the soldiers’ daily breakfast. Erwin didn’t put much meaning to it; a man is allowed privacy, secrecy. But as the following days wore on, Erwin contemplated his continuous absences from celebrations. Even when New Year’s and Christmas came to pass, as well as his birthday, Levi was nowhere to be found. Avoiding camaraderie at all costs, when his presence isn’t mandatory. But somehow, this doesn’t sit well with Erwin.
All these special occasions, he undoubtedly shared them with Farlan and Isabel. And who was he to celebrate those things with now? Or simply share a drink with after returning to the Walls following an excursion of minimum casualties and great successes? The people who reluctantly took him in like a stray, hissing cat? Erwin, at that point, may have been his only friend. “Friend” being extremely generous. In fact, Levi probably trusts him the least, despite swearing to be his weapon, his example of hope.
Thus, it is not alarming to him when the final hour passes into the subsequential morning, long after their celebration began, and Levi is nowhere to be found. Erwin checks the usual places where he’d find a sulking Levi: cleaning the barracks, perched atop the stone parapets of the high walls with a pilfered wine bottle in hand, or in the nearby trees, sitting upon a thick branch, hidden in the darkness of its arms. But he is wholly absent from all of these locations. Nor is he taking advantage of the empty bathing room to heat himself up a tub of water.
It’s not often Erwin questions himself, or his choices. Searching for the temperamental, cold man without reason beyond simple concern is not something he’d find himself doing at this time. Here he is, not quite as put together as he should be as the commander of the Survey Corps, a bit tipsy, looking for the one person who wants nothing to do with him outside of the necessary interaction that comes hand-in-hand with their line of work. But it’s an evening of celebrating life, not mourning loss, and he simply wants Levi to partake, for once. To not be the outcast.
The stone flooring under his booted feet is darkly lit, loud under his footsteps, easily announcing his approach in the resounding silence; nearly all soldiers are absent, partaking in celebration. Torches illuminate the hallway, and twice he passes guards posted in the hall. They respectfully salute him, though he chuckles and tells them to rest at ease. He shares brief conversations with each of them, sympathetic for the poor bastards who have to work even during a wide-spread party.
It’s the last place he’d expect to find him, but as a final attempt, Erwin peeks into Levi’s room, shared with three other soldiers. A lantern burns lowly on the desk perched in-between the two bunks. With this soft illumination, he can see the broad, muscular back of the man he’d been searching for. The stretch of white fabric across his shoulders, lacking the military coat, the ODM straps. He’s lying on his side, though his chest is turned down towards the bed, his arms wrapped around a pillow. His jet black locks are strewn across its starch white pillowcase. He’s breathing slowly.
Most shocking of all is how he hadn’t even bothered to dress down from his uniform, to put it up as every soldier should, to maintain proper appearance and tidiness. His boots are still on. Curled up on the bed, he’s only lacking the jacket and the straps of his gear around his torso, though even those have fallen around his hips, as if he couldn’t bring himself to remove his boots, to finish the task of taking it all off properly. Erwin stands at the door, hand on the knob, and contemplates what to do now. He didn’t predict the man to be sleeping. Frankly, the only times he’s witnessed Levi sleeping, it was either sitting in a chair, or at a desk. And only for a couple hours at a time. It’s no mystery to him why or how Levi developed such impressive dark circles under his eyes.
This is the first time he’s seen him in a bed, sleeping.
In his intoxicated state of mind, Erwin cannot help but allow his gaze to wander along his form. Levi has always pushed himself when it came to working out, to maintain figure, to be at the top of his game: his body may be short in stature, but he makes up for it in mass. His biceps are rounded and firm under the pulled fabric of his button-up, his waist broad, his legs thick with rigorously earned muscle. It’s impressive. Erwin, himself, has witnessed Levi pushing himself to the brink. Back when he first joined the Survey Corps, Levi seemed to dedicate himself fully to the military lifestyle, and the demands it came with.
Doing push-ups one-handed, curl-ups, chin-ups, lifting weights until his body simply couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing him with that dangerous expression on his face as he kept to himself out on the training grounds, making an example for the fresh meat—Erwin has witnessed it from the window of his office. He had to admit, it was a bit hypnotizing. But that was many months ago, soon after Levi became theirs. (His, a voice in the back of his mind boasts.)
Standing at the door, Erwin reflects on how much Levi seems to have changed in just the span of a year. Refusing to acknowledge anyone beyond what was necessary. Spending every moment of free time on his own, far from the vicinity of social interaction. Erwin had to force a conversation a few times. Truly like a feral cat, it took desensitization and exposure. While Levi isn’t the kindest, most open man out there, he partakes in conversation, sometimes even banter, with Hanji. Flashes of kindness towards newer recruits, towards squad leaders. Yet, with Erwin, that distrust seemed to linger the longest.
It’s only been as of late that Levi’s opened up to him, albeit merely by a fraction. ‘Opening up’ for Levi meant saying good morning, or offering to break the legs of one of the ‘big-wigs’ after a particularly disagreeable meeting. Fixing Erwin a cup of tea alongside his own, or bringing him a plate from the kitchen to his office because Erwin forgot, once again, about dinner in the mess hall.
He doesn’t realize how long he’s been standing there against the doorframe, watching Levi’s torso expand and deflate with his slow breaths, until he adjusts his weight on a particularly creaky floorboard. It jolts him out of his deep thinking. He freezes, momentarily worried that it woke Levi up. Not necessarily due to fear of being caught—he doesn’t want to disturb Levi’s sleep. Levi needs as much as he can get, even if it means skipping out on a rare Survey Corps celebration.
“How long are you going to stand there, staring at me like a creep?”
His deep, smooth voice made rougher from sleep fills the silence. Erwin exhales a quiet laugh.
“What would you rather I do?” he murmurs. He realizes his own voice is just slightly lethargic, a telltale sign of his intoxication. Levi doesn’t move to look over at him. Erwin continues watching the back of his head, where the inky black locks melt into closely buzzed hair.
“Whatever you came here to do,” Levi says. Erwin pauses. He sees him adjust on the bed, his broad torso shifting, and then he murmurs a sighed curse. He sits up, and it startles Erwin, seeing him rise. Levi doesn’t look at him. He leans over to shuck off his boots, angrily yanking them off his calves, freeing surprisingly feminine feet.
Levi wrestles the remaining parts of the straps off himself, tossing them onto the stone floor with a clatter of the steel buckles, and then pointedly flops back down onto his side, curling up into his pillow again. Erwin, just then, contemplates what he had in mind. What was he planning to do, if he found Levi? Obviously, talk to the man, but he’s been put in a peculiar position. Any respectful person would just turn around and leave, give him some time alone (it’s obvious he wants just that), but what Levi said plants curiosity in his mind. Typically, Levi says something along the lines of ‘Fuck off’, ‘Go away and dust your books so I don’t have to’, or ‘Does it look like I give one flying, goddamn, shit-kicking fuck what you do?’.
Instead, he practically invited him to come inside. Strange, indeed.
So, Erwin enters, cautiously. He leans back into the door, letting it quietly click shut—though, these doors being anything near quiet is laughable. The wood scrapes against the stone as he latches it shut. Levi nuzzles his face into the pillow, and then goes still. Erwin realizes, then, that the window to the room is completely ajar, casting a chilly breeze within. It makes him wonder. Did Levi enter through there? Is that how he avoided every single other person in the barracks? Where did he return from?
“I came to ask why you don’t partake in the celebration with us,” Erwin asks lowly, pacing over to the window. He peers down into the courtyard; there are groups of soldiers seated around makeshift surfaces, drinking, laughing. They can be heard distantly from here. Levi grumbles from the bed.
“What’s there to celebrate? We accomplished what we went out to do. That’s called doing your job.”
“Is that not a good thing?” Erwin asks, glancing over towards his laying form once more. “Is life not worth celebrating for you? We had very few casualties.”
“Sure,” Levi harrumphs. “But I don’t need to drink myself into a stupor to celebrate that. Or waste my time among drunk idiots.”
He then pointedly tucks his head underneath his pillow. Erwin, again, finds himself hypnotized by the stretch of white fabric across his broad back. The curve of his spine. Showing one’s back is a display of submission, is it not? He wonders why Levi is being unusually quiet. Well, he’s quiet by nature, but these days he usually opens up during conversations like this one. At least, with Erwin, he does. But now, Levi seems less than interested. Erwin contemplates how to prod a reaction out of him without evoking anger.
“Shall I leave you to sleep, then?” Erwin asks. “I came to invite you to rejoin us, but it’s becoming apparent to me that you want to be left alone.”
A deep sigh.
“The one night I get this room to myself, and you want me to put myself in the company of the others even then? Whatever, blondie. Your balls might get tight from the feeling of camaraderie, but it doesn’t do it for me. Go beat off letting Mike sniff you, or whatever. Maybe you could even get four-eyes to sample what comes out. It’ll bring you closer together. You’re welcome. I’m full of great ideas.”
Erwin smiles faintly to himself, hidden in the darkness of the dimly lit room. He leans back into the open window, propping his elbows against the smooth stone, and hums thoughtfully. He chuckles.
That has Levi lifting his head out from under the pillow and looking at him with complete bewilderment. Even in the faint light, Erwin can see that disturbed expression on his face. His hair is wild, disheveled. And it’s strangely endearing, witnessing this unkempt version of Levi.
“Did you just fucking laugh?”
“For wanting to be left alone, you’re talking a lot. About masturbation.”
“Yeah. What of it?”
“Is that your attempt at scaring me off?”
Levi drops his face down into his pillow, sighing.
“Evidently, it’s not working. I can move onto shitting if you’d like.”
“As much as I’d enjoy hearing about your take on defecation, I doubt it’ll convince me to leave.”
Unlike Erwin expected, Levi doesn’t take the bait. He just moves to slip underneath the thin covers of his bed, undoing the tightly tucked state they were in. He gets comfortable, and Erwin watches him curl into his pillow again. Levi exhales long and low, before speaking in a mumble.
“You can stay and be a weird creep if you want to, not like I have a say in anything you do. But just shut up, blondie.”
Levi admitting defeat so easily, and not only that, but claiming he has no control over Erwin? While that may be the case, it’s not like Levi doesn’t try at every opportunity to prove otherwise. To Erwin, this is more or less confirmation that something isn’t right. It seems some walls, some methods of self-preservation, are lacking.
“You’re letting me do whatever I want as long as it doesn’t include speech?” he inquires, lowly. Testing his boundaries. Calculating his next move. Being as tipsy as he is, Erwin is already formulating a plan in his mind. A plan to truly put their developing relationship under the microscope. How far will Levi let him push? Will he let Erwin push him in a direction towards betterment? Or will he dig his heels in?
Levi is starting to sound irritated.
“Unless you plan to take a shit on the floor, I don’t care what you do. Ideally, you’ll leave.”
“You’re usually not this chatty,” Erwin slips out without really thinking it through. Levi scoffs venomously at that.
“Neither are you. Are you so constipated, the shit’s built up to your head? Your ears, too, I’m guessing, since you’re conveniently ignoring the last half of what I said. Makes sense, considering it’s been falling out of your mouth this entire time.”
Erwin arches a brow. Levi is genuinely attempting to annoy him out of the room. Incredible.
“So, then, let’s say, you wouldn’t mind if I laid next to you? As long as I stop talking?”
“Now why the fuck would you want to do that?” Levi mutters. “Commander’s lodging not good enough for you anymore? Why am I not fucking surprised?”
“Why are you so angry?” Erwin asks. “Why do you refuse everything so desperately?”
“Since when do I have to accept it?” Levi replies just as defensively, practically hissed through his teeth. Erwin huffs.
“So, is this what you want? No more bullshit? We can cut the shit, Levi.”
“Oh, really? You’ll bless me with something remotely close to truth coming out of your mouth? Lay it on me, Commander Smith.”
Erwin straightens up from the open window. The screaming laughter of the soldiers down below fills the tense silence while Erwin leans over to work his boots off his legs, exposing his feet and the crossing straps of his ODM. His jacket is already missing, and his white shirt is open a few buttons, but he leaves everything else as is. The sound of him stepping over earns no response from Levi.
The bed isn’t really meant for two fully grown men. But Levi practically flees when Erwin takes a wary seat at the edge, moving closer to the wall, deathly silent. It creates enough room for Erwin to awkwardly lay down, head on the mattress considering Levi has fully claimed the one pillow, using it to hide his head.
“What the fuck are you doing,” Levi states flatly.
“Laying here,” Erwin muses, “I’ve been curious how you prefer celebrating, so I figured I may as well give it a try myself.”
“Idiot.”
Getting comfortable, Erwin outstretches his longer, thicker legs, crossing them. He folds his hands over his front. For a minute, he simply lounges and listens. He hears the conversation of his soldiers, the strumming of a guitar. The stridulation of crickets. Levi’s breathing. Closing his eyes, they all come together to create a moment of contentment. Now, it’s peaceful. No rowdy squad leaders, no expectations, no drunk, flirty subordinates who want to try bedding the handsome Commander. No pressure to be at his desk, to work on the stack of paperwork waiting for him.
“Why couldn’t you just leave?” Levi murmurs. There’s something in his voice Erwin can’t quite decipher. He folds his broad fingers together and contemplates how to reply.
“I care about my men,” Erwin replies quietly. “And that includes you. Some moments shouldn’t be spent alone, even if you feel like you should be.”
Levi scoffs.
“Whatever. You don’t care about me. You just want to use me. I thought we were cutting the shit? Unless you meant literally. Then I’ll have to pass. Not an activity I’m keen on.”
Erwin frowns. He turns his head to look at Levi. Levi’s back is to him, his shoulders visible past the blanket, but not much else. Erwin can see the nape of his neck. The pillow obscures his head. Erwin watches him.
“That was the truth,” he says. “It’s up to you whether you believe it or not.”
Silence is all he’s given from Levi. Erwin contemplates how to broach this. He could simply ask if Levi avoids spending time among the other soldiers during moments of celebration, holidays, because it makes him think of Isabel and Farlan. But asking that… The results it would give him seem almost pointless. What would Levi say? Yes? No? No matter the response, it would most likely lead to anger. Maybe, at this point, it’s still too sensitive a topic to tread on. Erwin doesn’t want to backtrack when he’s already taken so many steps forward. Especially when the answer seems almost obvious. Of course Levi would think of them. They were his family.
“Do you trust me?” he opts to ask instead, spoken lowly. He still wants to test these boundaries. It seems like talking about Levi’s past and losses is a path he can’t traverse, but perhaps other routes can be tested…
A long moment of utter silence passes.
“Feeling insecure, Commander?” Levi eventually murmurs. “Seeking reaffirmation from me when you have all your other buddies who will gladly kiss your ass… That’s pretty pathetic.”
“Answer the question.”
Erwin’s voice comes out completely controlled. Levi is being difficult. He’s being particularly defensive.
The tone of command must have struck something. Levi sighs.
“Yeah. I trust you. Though I still don’t get why you’re taking up my bedspace just to ask me such a pointless question.”
With that statement, Erwin props up on his elbow, turning onto his side to face Levi, and moves over. He rests a hand on Levi’s bicep. Levi tenses up like a coiled snake, ready to strike. Erwin leans in closer to his head hidden below the pillow to murmur, “Relax. I’d like to try something. Admittedly, Levi, I’m quite exhausted myself, and the walk back to my bedroom is too far for my liking. Bear with me.”
“What are you going on about?” Levi grumbles, though, noticeably, he doesn’t shrug his hand off. Erwin moves to lay down behind him. Levi is still completely tense, wound up with incredible pressure, as if he’s waiting for the moment to spring away and curse him out, even get a kick or two in. Instead, he remains stock still while Erwin works his arm under the blanket to cautiously wind it around Levi’s waist. He keeps his hand away from his body, just lets the weight of his arm fall upon him. He carefully presses his knees to Levi’s legs to establish closeness, and curls his free arm up under his head to act as a substitute pillow.
Levi’s elbow digs into his side through the blanket. Not violently, or angrily, just a hard press while Levi growls out, “What do you think you’re doing? Are you actually a pervert, you bastard?”
“I’m keeping you company.”
“I never asked for you to! Erwin, what the hell?”
That’s probably one of three times he’s heard Levi address him by his name.
“Do you want me to pull away? If you ask me to leave again, I will leave you. I won’t look for you again. I will stop caring. Is that what you want?”
Again, silence. Levi’s elbow doesn’t dig into his side as roughly. It rests there, a cautious measure, but then it falls away, and Levi gives in with a heaved sigh. He finally removes the pillow from over his head, drops his cheek down upon it, and mutters, “Try anything, and I will rip off your arm and shove it so far up your ass, you’ll be waving to your precious comrades through your mouth.”
“Understood.”
After being on the cusp of drunk for the better half of three hours, and exhausted to Hell and back since forever, Erwin genuinely meant he didn’t want to walk back to his room, especially after laying down in Levi’s bed.
“If you fall asleep on me and I have to explain why the commander is in my bed—"
“I won’t,” Erwin says. Levi scoffs. Erwin isn’t convincing himself, either.
The room falls silent. Levi finally manages to relax, the tension ebbing away from his body, after a long five minutes. Erwin is slow-blinking at this point, staring at the back of his head and neck. His black hair is very messy after having his head under the pillow. It’s cute. Cute? Not cute. It’s… Okay, yeah, it’s cute, Erwin finds himself tipsily, sleepily thinking. Levi is actually warm, too. The muscle on his body makes for nice cushioning.
Erwin shifts slightly closer, and Levi adjusts on his side, grumbling under his breath. Erwin’s chest meets Levi’s back, but he keeps his head far enough so Levi doesn’t feel the brush of his exhales. After arranging his arm around Levi, Erwin melts into the bed with a low, long breath.
He manages to stay conscious for fifteen minutes. He lets his thoughts roam, wondering what this means. Has his relationship with Levi really developed to this point? Levi letting him hold him like so? Or is it just the occasion? The occasion of grief? Loneliness? Either way, Levi is a comfortable presence under his arm. Erwin can’t recall the last time he held someone like this. Hell, the last time he did anything intimate with anyone. Maybe Mike…? Years ago.
Erwin falls asleep, inevitably.
“Oi.”
A push to his shoulder jerks Erwin from his sleep, instantly. He shoots up into a seated position, and immediately hits his head on the upper bunk. He collapses back down, jostling the bed. Levi huffs an amused sound. Erwin presses a hand to his head. Looking over, he barely sees the other man seated there through the lack of light; his legs are crossed, his cheek propped in his hand, elbow to his knee.
“I fell asleep,” Erwin mutters. He looks around. It’s still dark, but it’s gone quiet outside. He can see stars beyond the open window. The other beds are empty. No signs of recent entry. Levi clicks his teeth.
“You did, blondie. You nearly crushed me to death.”
“So I imagine I wasn’t out long?”
Erwin squints through the darkness, attempting to see the other man clearer with aid of the moonlight. The oil lamp seems to have burned out. Levi shrugs.
“Probably an hour. I faded in and out a few times.”
Erwin nods. Well, he’s certainly sobered up a bit. He moves to stand up, and Levi makes no comment. Erwin begins pulling on his boots again.
“So, lay it on me. What are the results of your little experiment?” Levi asks then. “What is the conclusion of disturbing my night, and crawling into my bed?”
For a minute, Erwin says nothing. He finishes working his tight boots up the powerful muscle of his calves, doing his best to fix himself up and maintain some semblance of the image one should have as a commander. Standing now, he turns to face Levi. With his eyes slightly adjusted, as best as they can manage in this low light, Erwin sees his emotionless face, just barely.
“You do, indeed, trust me,” he answers. And you’re quite comfortable to spoon, he leaves unsaid. Levi rolls his eyes, scoffing as he turns his head away.
“You’d think that following you on the battlefield meant more than letting you cling to me. Figures. You are a perverted creep, after all.”
Erwin smiles faintly, allowing it in this darkness and the lack of Levi’s gaze. He turns to the door, and begins towards it, saying collectedly in the quiet air of the bedroom, “Goodnight, Levi.”
Another exhale of a dry, sardonic laugh from the other man. And then Erwin pulls open the door with a scrape, and slips out into the hallway lit by torches.
He made Levi laugh twice. He considers his mission a success.