Chapter Text
Another night, another nightmare. A negligible punishment considering what I did, at least under normal circumstances.... but this is different. I’m just greeted with a blank black world. No nightmarish viasages, no haunting voices or repressed memories, not even a single something , just nothing, nothing but an endless empty void.
I don’t have my knife and there are no doors, I cannot leave. I feel bile rising in my throat, and panic starting to bloom in the back of my head. I try to run, to find red hands, something , or anything else at all. Then, I hear it, crying. Looking for the source, I’m drawn to a light that has suddenly appeared nearby.
I walk to it and see an image projected onto the floor; a girl with bright pink hair and a handful of bandages plastered on her legs is crying, sobbing with all her might. At first I wondered who this might be, but after seeing the rabbit in her arms, unmistakably Bun-Bun, I knew it was Aubrey. The state of her room, while objects inside were neat and maintained, the room itself seemed… haphazard, sloppy, like a poorly built attic or shed that was never intended to be used as a living space. She cried and screamed, unloading expletives, some of which I've never heard before. She cursed anyone and everyone, even herself.
I wanted to reach out, to say something, my heart ached for her; Aubrey looked so pretty when she was happy, this felt so wrong, but just as quickly as the image came, it went. I stood still for a moment, stunned, before I continued walking. The bile and panic receded, being rapidly replaced with a deep heartache. It was my fault, my fault that Aubrey was in such pain; because I took away her happiness, her best friend, her big sister.
Before I had the chance to spiral into a depressive state, another light shone nearby. I approach the light, and like last time, I see an image of someone; this time it’s Kel, he’s taller than before, way taller, but he’s still wearing the same goofy smile he’s always had. He jokes around and laughs while he plays basketball and talks with his teammates, but that smile he puts on never quite reaches his eyes. It feels unnatural to see that look on Kel. Most people wouldn’t notice, maybe not even his brother or parents, but I know Kel better than anyone. He was my best friend, after all.
Kel is putting up a front, trying to come off as if nothing is wrong, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. It’s almost entirely hidden away by his mask, this façade that he’s wearing for everyone to see. Again, I’m compelled to reach out, to try and offer support to Kel, and again I’m reminded that I’m the reason he’s like that to begin with.
Eventually, like the first light, it vanishes, and I’m left to ponder what I saw. Another casualty of my selfish crime, of the happiness I took away from everyone. However that thought doesn’t last long as another light comes into view. I already have a guess as to who will come next, yet when I approach the light, I see… bed sheets, shaped into a lump, hiding the person sleeping from my view. From the looks of the room, and the second bed I see in the corner, I guess this would have to be Hero.
Looking around, I see that Hero’s half of the bedroom is… unkept… random articles of clothes litter the floor, and dust has layered many of his shelves. It’s a stark contrast to the neat and presentable look that was present whenever I visited in the past. I notice a calendar on the wall, and that the days are marked out with Xs, coming up to a specially highlighted date with a messy message scribbled underneath, ‘1 Year’. The marked date is the one before what would have been the recital, and the Xs lead up to Monday, four days before the recital. If it’s Monday, why isn’t Hero at school?
Suddenly, there’s movement coming from the bed, he doesn’t leave his place under the sheets, but I hear soft crying. Suddenly it hits me, I realize that Hero, the big dependable older brother, is doing the same thing as me; he’s retreated from the world, wasting away in his room from the grief. A wave of nausea temporarily overtakes me, my own body sickened by what I did to him.
I feel a primal anger flare up the pit of my stomach, anger at what my actions reduced Hero to, anger that Hero’s bright future was taken away because of what I did. I feel enraged, but before I can do anything with my anger, the light fades once more.
I stop…and take a single moment to think. At this point, it’s obvious who’s next, he’s the only one who could be left, my partner in crime. So I waited, time slowly trickling by, bringing with it nothing but the feeling of wasting time. At first I’m confused, the fourth light never came… but as I think, I notice… a spot in the distance, even more black than the abyss in which I stand. I approach the deeper dark with caution, and see that it projects an image onto the floor, the same way the lights did, but without being bright. It was fitting all things considered. As I peered into the dark, my eyes darted back and forth looking for him , for Basil.
I see him sitting in his room with the lights off, arms wrapped around his legs, crying. His skin is dotted in darkly coloured spots, and the lack of sleep in his eyes give him a sickly appearance, and though I try to ignore it, I also see the scars dotting his arms and wrists, a gardener like him may get some cuts like that, but…
I closed my eyes for a moment, an attempt to try and calm my nerves. I can’t say this is unexpected, but it’s still sad to see. I’m not interested in seeing more of this, so I turn away, and the darkness showing Basil vanishes instantly when I do. Another life ruined by my hands; this is the way I expected it to be, but seeing it still hurts.
Now, the space was once again devoid of anything. I sit down and think over the things I’ve seen, the images swirl in my head so fast that I start feeling dizzy. A new style of nightmare, but a reminder of what I did all the same… Though I do have to wonder why Aubrey looked so different… Kel was taller too… and that wasn’t the Hero I know, he was wracked with grief when I last saw him, but not a broken recluse… and Basil....
“It looks like everyone is hurting pretty bad, aren’t they, little brother.”
A voice shot through the dark, one that I could never forget, the words spoken and tone taken only enforcing my idea of who it was even more. I turned to face the direction I heard it come from, and saw her there, in full colour, looking just as pretty as the day I saw her last. No ghostly demeanor, no deformed body, just her.
“Mari…” I managed to squeak out. I was surprised I could even say anything at all, since the rest of my body felt as heavy as lead.
“The one and only!” She stuck her tongue out and closed her eyes, before opening them again to walk towards me and pull me into an embrace. “Sunny, I missed you.”
Unable to even respond, I hugged her back, tight as I could, tighter than I thought possible with my frail, unexercised, and malnourished body.
"Oh, my sweet Sunny.... You're so pale and thin." She says, the words laden with worry. "You must have had such a rough time, huh?" The embrace becomes tighter, comforting me in a way that nothing else could. “It seems the gang has seen better days, hasn’t it little brother.”
“T-They're... It's all my fault." I croak. "None of this would've happened if I...."” Tears started burning in the corner of my eyes, and the knot in my throat tightened, almost to the point of choking. “I… I-I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, I’m sor-” But before I could get the words out, Mari further tightened her hug, calming me down, even if only slightly.
“Shhh, it’s okay Sunny, everything is going to be okay , I’m here for you.” I felt her embrace loosen, and soon, her soft, slender fingers began running through my hair.“I know it’s scary, and that you blame yourself, but it’s all going to be okay, just trust me, alright?”
A flurry of emotions, primal and powerful, rise from the deepest parts of my being and threaten to tear me apart on the spot. “I… h-how… you’re… you’re not here to fix it, and it’s all my fault!’
Mari pursed her lips for a moment, then smiled warmly at me. “It’s true that I’m not here to fix it, but that’s not your fault. Sunny, I pushed you too hard, and I should have noticed that you only wanted to spend time with me, that that violin made you so sad, that my perfectionism was causing you so much distress.” A pause, looking at Mari’s face, it’s clear that she feels guilty. “Sunny, no one is perfect. It was just a mistake. I forgive you.”
“But I-” but before I could respond, I was cut off.
“I was also frustrated that day, and it could have just as easily been me pushing you down the stairs. So please don’t let what happened consume you.”
“B-But why…?! I don’t deserve to be forgiven...”
“Because you’re my favourite little brother, silly, how could I not!” Mari gives me a warm grin as she rustles my hair a bit… a feeling I’ve missed for a long time. “And I’m certain the others will forgive you too. They all love you too Sunny, not as much as me mind you… well, maybe Aubrey could give me a run for my money…” Mari trails off thinking about what she said, before snapping back to attention and looking me in the eyes. “You didn’t hear me say that. Anyway, you get the idea right?”
Confused by her words, I just stare at her, trying to process it all. How could they forgive me, or even love me after what I did. I’m a murderer, the thief who took Mari away from them, I doubt they’d even want to talk to me anymore.
“Sunny, I know you must be thinking of a lot of things right now, but please trust me. Your friends love you, and they need you now more than ever.”
“I… I’m not you Mari, I can’t do that, and even if I could, am I supposed to do it all while lying?! I killed you, how can I even face them wi-” Mari pinched my lips shut for a moment.
“You know, you seem to talk a lot more than you used to.” Mari giggled. “Sunny, you’re my little brother, if anyone can bring the gang back together, it’s you! You may not have noticed it before, but everyone had a soft spot for you, everyone loved you, and they still do now.” Mari paused, and stopped hugging me so that she could grasp my cheeks in her hands. “But, you do have to tell the truth, ok? It’s going hurt, like anytime you tell and lie to avoid trouble, but I know you can do it, and I know that you all will still be together in the end. You just have to trust your friends, Sunny.”
“But-”
Mari shushed me with a finger. “Trust me, Sunny. It’s not as scary as you think.” Mari let go of me, and turned around for a moment, then turned back and held my face again. “And if you don’t have the courage to do it, then I’ll give you some of mine!” Mari kissed me on the forehead with a smile, and just like that, a familiar warmth, one I thought lost, returned to my body. It was like a shattered mirror going back together perfectly. “I know you can do it Sunny. I’ll be watching closely, and I’ll be here with you until you see it through. So promise me that you’ll see it through, until the very end, ok?”
“I…” a pause, a moment to try and quash the doubt still festering at the edges of my heart. “...I promise… I’ll do it for you.”
A tear slowly gathers before falling, from Mari’s eyes. “Thank you lil’ bro. I know you can do it.” She hugs me one last time before letting go and turning away.
Before I could respond, she vanished, taking with her the infinite stretch of the abyss, which gave way to a blindingly bright burst of light. Once the light fades, I open my eyes… to find them staring up at the ceiling, and I'm lying in a bed… my bed. I forgot to close the curtains before I went to sleep.
I… I can’t just brush off what I just saw. Even if it was just a dream… It felt so different than anything else in any other dream I’ve ever had before, and it was most certainly out of line with the nightmares that had been plaguing me since that fateful day. I think back on what she said, on what I saw… it couldn’t have been just a dream… could it? Should I ignore it? I can’t even walk down the stairs most days, let alone leave the house. How was I supposed to do anything to keep the promise I made?
What Mari said… even if it was just a dream… It certainly sounds better than rotting away in here for the rest of my life… Even if I had wanted to atone for what I did, Mari would want me to go out and try and do the best I can… Maybe… I’ve been handling this the wrong way. I don’t want to hurt any of my friends anymore, I’ve already done so much wrong… but… perhaps I can atone by trying to make things right.
I raise my hand to the ceiling, and grasp it into a fist. It's a weak grip, but it’s all I can manage right now. If… if I’m going to do it, I should start treating myself better; eating more, sleeping less, getting some exercise… all things easier said than done, but required.
I drag myself out of bed, only to suddenly take notice of the odor and dirt that’s accumulated on my clothes. I wrinkle my nose, then go to the close and change into a fresh set of the same outfit. Moving to the washroom, I go to relieve myself and just try to wash some of the accumulated grime off of my face. As I wash my hands, I look in the mirror and I see it… Something … but… Something is different. Where it would normally be right over my shoulder, an ever-present, looming reminder of my crime, of the crippling guilt that eats at my soul every day. Today it’s hovering in the doorway, observing… its watchful eye for once not filled with hate, but instead curiosity.
“I…” I begin, despite knowing Something can’t hear, and wouldn’t respond, even if it could. “I’ll try... . for Mari.” my voice is quiet and scratchy from disuse… but Something reacts… and recedes, an action I had never seen it do. A sign… I can do it… if it’s for Mari I will do it.
Leaving the bathroom, I look forward, only to face the top of the stairway. My breath catches in my throat for a moment as I’m reminded once again of my worst memories. Looking down, I see the stairs extend further than I could imagine, the bottom far past where my vision ends, bringing a sense of fear from the back of my consciousness to the forefront. I… I should do it… I have to do it, for Mari… for Kel and for Hero, for Basil, and... Aubrey.
I take a step down the stairs… And another.... And another. I feel bile pushing up in my throat again, a silent voice screaming from somewhere in the recesses of my mind to go back, but I can’t, I can’t break the promise I made to Mari. So I take another step, and breath, and another, and breath. Finally, I reach my foot out to take another step… and there isn’t one. I’ve reached the bottom. I felt a weight suddenly lift from my mind, the bile I struggled so hard to repress fell back into the pit of my stomach like it was never there, and it left me feeling unusually light, lighter than I had felt in many months.
“I…” I open my mouth to say something, but what would I say, and to who? Anyone can walk down the stairs, it’s sad that I had to try so hard to do it… but… Mari would congratulate me anyway… wouldn’t she? Maybe I should take a page from her book and try to be more positive.
“I…I did it!.” I said, allowing a small grin to form on my lips.
I bask in the feeling for a moment. A miniscule victory in the grand scheme of things, but one I’m proud of nonetheless. but… it’s something that will help me work towards making sure I fulfill my promise. Now, what should I do next?
I… guess going outside is a good next step, but… I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I go towards the entryway, and once more the bile starts to build within me. I reach for the handle, before bringing my hand back… still thin and frail, shaking violently from the thought of even touching the door.
I go to the kitchen, though not hungry, It would be wise to eat something. There was a leftover steak in the fridge. I nuke it in the microwave, and eat it. Filling, but a little on the bland side, I guess that’s the price to pay for it not being freshly cooked (or seasoned, now that I think about it). I put the dishes in the sink… and cast a glance towards the knife block on the kitchen counter. Something compels me towards it, to grab and cling to it. But I clamp down instead, shaking my head before turning away
After deciding to leave the knife behind, I once again go for the front door, but before I can reach for the knob, I hear it. A series of rapid knocks, no distinct rhythm to be heard within them. A few seconds later, The sound came again. At that speed, I could only imagine one person as being responsible for them. Though I know it’s probably my friend, I still hesitate, I don’t think I’m ready yet. In a moment of indecision I look over my shoulder, and I see Something waiting, not unlike before. The illusion of choice in this situation is honestly laughable. With that in mind, I steel myself, and finally touch the door, though my mind is telling me not to, and I know I'm probably not ready, I open it to the outside world..
Sunlight floods into the dark house, and I see a shadow creep in from the doorway, opening a little further, the shadow gives way to a shocked face, but a familiar one. Kel. He stares at me for another second, the shock clear as day on his face, but after seeming to get out of his initial stupor, he cracks the widest, most toothy grin I’ve ever seen him make, and hugs me hard enough to force the air out from my lungs.
“SUNNY, YOU’RE BACK!” He shouts loudly, more than enough to split my eardrum and give me a headache at the same time. Kel lifts me up and spins around, making me even dizzier.
“Kel… can’t… breathe…” I squeak out, hoping he notices.
“Oh shoot, I’m sorry, Sunny.” As quick as I was put into the vice grip, I was released. “It’s so good to see you, we’ve all been worried.” Kel stares me up and down at such a fast pace that it’s impossible to follow his eyes. “You look like you’ve seen better days, but that’s okay, better days are coming now that you’re back!” Yet another one of his signature grins, he really hasn’t changed.
I smile wordlessly at Kel. He nods, seeming to understand my intention without me saying anything. He was always good at reading me… though I suppose everyone was to some extent, considering how little I ever talked or emoted.
“Well, I, uhhh, didn’t expect to get this far, so I don’t quite have a plan, but that’s no issue, we can make it up as we go!” he said while scratching the back of his head, a decidedly more Hero-like trait that Kel’s seemed to have picked up. “You, uhhhh, ready to go? or do you need a minute?”
Kel extends his hand to me, inviting me to leave my house for the first time in a year. I look over my shoulder one more time to look at Something , seemingly confusing Kel, but it’s not there anymore, its lack of presence almost silently approving of me coming out the house.
“Mmm.” I make a simple noise and nod. and Kel gets it. He grabs my hand and yanks me outside, into the sun. Onto a path where I can fix the problems I caused, and one where I can fulfill my promise to Mari. Kel doesn’t let go of my hand, he just smiles one more time, and I understand what he means underneath that smile.
“Let’s go, Sunny!”