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If you were to tell a young boy, who was once full of hope, that his life would feel meaningless, he’d deem you a liar. But it is the truth of the matter. The older this boy had become, the clearer things were in his eyes. That darkness was always there. It crept in, marking its claim on the soul of Ben Solo. He welcomed it, let it consume him. There was no reason to fight it when it was inevitable.
Darkness.
It’s all he’s ever known and will forever know. A world filled with hatred, resentment, and pain, so much pain. Trapped in a false concept of reality. Thinking it would make it better for him to ‘pretend’. It fails to work. If there is a devil, Kylo’s soul is already his. The contract’s signed and sealed. No one can redeem him.
For Kylo's sake, he's trying to pretend that his little reality is fine. His mother would neither hate him for his decisions nor hold him accountable for his father’s demise. His father would still be alive and as he would like to think; feel proud of everything he’s accomplished. Han and Leia would've been the parents, he wished he had growing up. They would have let him choose his future, he wouldn’t have rebelled and disappointed them. He wouldn't have cut all ties with his past, including them. He wouldn't have felt the need for changing his name. But no-- this isn't real.
Every day he wakes with the reminder of how much he feels like a disappointment to the world. The family photo on his nightstand taunting him. Looking at his younger self, he wishes for that boy to return. To have that gleaming smile, bless his face once again. To love and feel loved again. Why can't he have that again? Why does it feel so agonizing to even exist? Why?
The more he began to dig into his thoughts, the more he knew exactly why. Death, secrets, and lies-- they are the cause of everything.
Kylo allowed the whispered secrets and lies to fall upon deaf ears. Pushed away from the thought of confronting his dear parents on why they didn't love him anymore. Why bother when they could simply lie to him then? Better to say it never mattered than to even put up an effort to gain their love.
He should've known his life would go downhill when death followed his every move. Since his loving grandparent’s death of his uncle who never gave a damn about him. He chose to ignore it all. All except one: his father. He now walks around with the guilt of knowing he contributed to his father's demise. If only he would've gone with him--protected him to the best of his ability. He would still be alive. But no, he walked away when his father asked for him to come along, chat with him on his daily walk.
Walk... Kylo laughs at the thought of how much of his father he's become. "I still can't get rid of you, old man." He would say as he took his daily walks.
Wherever he walks--his demons are right on his heels, whispering his sins. They will never let him forget. No matter where he goes, he can never outrun the darkness. It shrouds him like a blanket would, dragging innocent souls along with him. Yet another pain was admitted to his consciousness.
The looks of terror or concern no longer bother him anymore. From his viewpoint-- Kylo could understand why someone would feel frightened or concerned. A six-foot-two man looming over everyone in dark clothing is scary in itself. His once vibrant skin, full of life and color, is now a milky white. Dark circles lay claim to his under eyes. The eyes that once had life; glossed over, lifeless. He is, in a sense--lifeless. Over time, he grew numb to it all: the gasps, the snide remarks, the man who replaced Ben.
Today, his demons were louder than ever. Drowning out his thoughts. As if stuck in a trance, he allows them to take him wherever they pleased. Does it appear the little fallen angels wanted him to get coffee? How strange.
Kylo doesn’t bother to get anything, he allows his feet to carry him to a table next to a window. He lets out a sigh as the thoughts rush back in. They deaden the sounds of the minuscule shop as he surveys the expressions of bystanders. Happily, they all seem happy. And what does he feel?
Alone. Kylo has never felt so alone. He has no place in this world. Deaf to the world around him, Kylo never hears someone approach him. That’s when it happens-- everything stops. From those rushed thoughts to his nagging demons. They're gone. Kylo looks up. He's glad he did, the sight in front of him is stunning. This mysterious woman who approached him finally speaks.
"Hi, I'm Rey."