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"You're fucking kidding me."
Venka snickered. "I'd say that you're lucky."
"Why the fuck would you say that?"
Venka looked at him pointedly till he finally averted his gaze, feeling his cheeks heat up.
"This isn't lucky at all," Nezha said. "This is going to be a fucking disaster."
"You're fucking kidding me."
"Nope," Kitay said, peering at the wall. "It's true, you're with Nezha."
Rin stood frozen, staring at the board that depicted their partners for Sinegard's graduate year project; she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
"Who the fuck," she spluttered, "in their right minds would put me with him ?"
"It's a random draw, Rin."
"This is fucking rigged! Who are you with?"
"Venka."
"That's great, let's ask to switch partners, we can work together and they can—"
"You know that's not possible."
"I don't care!" she snapped.
It was impossible. Rin had been actually looking forward to the end of year assignment—the final graduate project of Sinegard. Each team had to propose a solution or a proposal that would be beneficial to the Nikara, ranging from new battle strategies to governmental policies.
It didn't exactly give out scores or rankings, but they picked one team to be rewarded as the top which was a huge honor in itself. She figured she would be paired up with Kitay. She figured they would easily topple the rest together. She figured it would be fun.
She had never, ever considered this atrocity.
"He didn't cause much torment on you in the last year, to be honest."
"We were fucking busy!" Rin said, incredulous. "Doesn't mean he doesn't hate me, nor doesn't make him less of an asshole."
It was true that they could hardly be called fighting anymore. The last time they truly did was back in the Trials; after that, they barely even looked in each other's direction. One simply pretended the other didn't exist.
Kitay patted her hand sympathetically. "True, he's an asshole but just try not to kill him maybe?"
"Since when are you on his side?" said Rin, pouting slightly.
"I'm trying to get you not expelled."
"Ha. They won't do that, after this," she said, lazily flickering her wrist as sparks of flames danced between her fingers. "Master Jiang will never let them."
Calling the fire and controlling it had taken weeks, months for Rin, involving severe headaches and relying heavily on opium for quite some time, but everything was worth it by the end. She was above everyone else; she channeled a god, and the power tasted more delicious than anything she ever had.
But she was still a student at Sinegard, and apparently channeling a god didn’t mean she always got her way. She shot a disgusted look at the board for the last time as she left with Kitay.
“This is going to be a fucking disaster.”
Oh the day started off fantastically.
“Rip the bandaid off,” Kitay had suggested. “Sooner than later.”
“Do you think never is an option?”
“You know I don’t need to answer that.”
Kitay, Rin thought, was right about most things. Almost everything. But not this. Never should always be an option. Never was an option. She was too stupid not to have chosen it. She was stupid to actually have stepped toward the table where Venka and Nezha were sitting, having lunch. She was stupid not to have backed out when it oh so clearly felt like approaching doom.
Her instinct had always been right, and she was going to pay the price for not heeding to it.
“Venka,” she said pointedly, determined not to look in Nezha's direction.
Venka slowly looked up, raised a brow but answered. “Yes?”
“Can you tell the person sitting in front of you that his partner suggests meeting at the library tomorrow?”
She heard Kitay sigh behind her. She ignored him.
Venka looked annoyed but at the moment, Rin hardly cared. “Nezha, did you hear?”
“Yes," he said calmly. She could see him at the end of her peripheral gaze. "Rin, I have Combat tomorrow so I can do after three—"
Rin cut him off. “What did he say?”
She fixed her gaze on Venka only. The girl rolled her eyes.
"After three."
“Tell him fine.”
She turned and left.
“Well,” said Kitay, “at least everyone made it out unscathed.”
“So far.”
Not that Nezha thought this would work out fantastically, but the day started off in a fucking disaster even with his low expectations.
"At least she approached first," Venka said. He could see her trying not to smirk, and failing.
"She approached you, you mean," he said.
"Still."
Just a talk, he thought to himself as he walked in to find a sullen looking Rin at the corner of the library. What can go wrong with just a talk?
"Hi."
She gave her shoulder the barest shrug. Nezha took that as a greeting, which seemed a huge improvement than the conversation they had through Venka, pulled out a chair and sat opposite her.
She refused to look up. Nezha could see her thumbing through the pages of the book she was holding, but her eyes weren't moving.
"I guess we have to do this together."
Another barest shrug. He held back a sharp retort. No use fighting here. Just a talk.
"So," he said, a little more stiff than before, "what do you propose?"
At last, she spoke. "I think the current dictatorship should be fixed."
He perked up at that. Could this be easier than he had anticipated? "Really?"
"Yeah. It's too weak; the warlords have too much power distributed. More concentration of power in the throne would do the job nicely."
Nezha stared at her oh so casual face that still refused to lift from the book. "You're joking."
"Why would I be joking about this?"
"Because it's not good? It's corrupted? It's what keeping the country from going forward?"
Rin snorted. "Sure. Why don't we just topple the regime, then? Decentralize power by giving everyone a place."
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Then you're even more of an idiot than I thought; imagine thinking that's even fucking possible."
"Better than a total dictatorship that strips people of their equal rights," Nezha snapped back.
Rin slammed her book on the table and finally she looked up straight at him; Nezha stared right back at her glowering face, unfazed.
"Oh so now you're the expert on equality and fairness? Then do tell me, name one fucking thing that's equal in the Nikara."
"There's Keju."
Rin let out a laugh. "See, you're so fucking blind that you think that's fair."
"You passed," Nezha pointed out, temper starting to rise in him as well. "Everyone's open to take the fucking exam."
"Right, and I received a lifetime education of said fair exam, too? Is that what you're saying? Not to mention that someone tried to get me kicked out of here by hiding behind their family name."
"I—"
"Don't even try to pretend that you haven't always thought I shouldn't even be here. You thought I didn't deserve to be here. How the fuck is that fair? Do enlighten me, how the fuck is that equality?"
Now everyone in the library was staring at them; he could feel the stares practically reverberating off his back.
She didn't wait for an answer; Rin grabbed her bag, hoisting it onto her shoulder and glaring at him.
"This is fucking pointless," she spat, and left him sitting alone.
"This isn't going to work out."
"You've been trying for less than a day!"
"And that's enough for me to know that he’s still the same asshole as before.”
Rin heard Venka stifle a laugh and lifted her head from Kitay's lap ever so slightly to glare. "What's so funny?"
“Nothing.”
Rin kept on glaring at the other girl, but with no real malice. She and Venka had surprisingly gotten along after their first year; Rin thought Venka still hated her for beating her and Nezha at the Trials, but she unexpectedly had approached her during their second year.
"Thank you."
Instantly on guard. "For what?"
"Beating Nezha up. Not gonna lie, I was hoping you'd lose, but him losing like that is doing wonders to his ego. God knows someone had to deflate it."
She now sat up, brushed the grass off her arms and faced her. "Venka, come on, you can work with Nezha."
"No can do," she said. "You know what they said. No partner changes."
"What they say is bullshit."
"Who they are," Kitay interjected, "is our masters. And I think it's part of a test to see if we're willing to cooperate and work with anyone, since it's not like we choose who to work with in the future."
"Kitay."
"Hmm?"
"Please stop speaking sense."
"Someone has to."
"You need to try though, Rin," Venka said, flipping through the pages of the book Kitay gave her for their project. Rin felt a twinge of jealousy. She should have been working with Kitay. "I'm not going to act as your communicator next time."
"He hates me. How the fuck am I supposed to work around that?”
“At least you hate him too. It’s a mutual issue.”
“Awesome. I have to work with someone that I hate. Makes everything so much better.”
Kitay ruffled her hair. “That's the spirit."
The second day was just as fantastic.
Their second day was not placed at the library, no. Rin happened to walk past him in the middle of training while heading to the library. Not that this didn’t happen before—they’d crossed paths many times—but while they had simply ignored each other, this time he called her.
“Hey.”
Rin was actually startled that he acknowledged her passing by that she stopped. Then cursed herself for stopping, for now she couldn’t pretend she didn’t hear him.
“I was just on my way,” he said, catching up to her.
Actual confusion and shock rooted her to the spot. “Huh?”
“To the library,” he said impatiently.
Understanding dawned on her slowly; was he offering to walk with her? Rin stared at his slightly flushed face from training, annoyingly pretty and elegant.
Ignoring Nezha she could do—it was what they had settled into for the past two years. She wasn't sure she could do this— whatever this was. Forced partners. Pretending to be civil. Acting like nothing had happened between them. If he thought that was possible, then he was more of an idiot than she thought.
As she was digging up her mind for an answer, the fallen sword in the sparring area behind Nezha caught her eye.
"Want to spar?"
Nezha glanced at her. "What for?"
"Fun."
"You don't want to do that."
Rin gave a snort. "Forgot that I kicked your ass two years ago?"
"Believe me, I haven't."
He was wrong, she wanted to fight—wanted to punch something, let off her steam. She needed to scream and yell and fight because this stupid assignment was driving her up a wall.
She picked up two fallen swords on the ground and threw one at him. "Go on, then."
Nezha looked weary. "Rin—"
She attacked.
This, this was good. This felt good. Staying silent and neutral and quiet with Nezha was actually the hardest thing to do; simply not acknowledging each other’s existence for the past two years had worked. Yet when they were forced to interact, silence wasn’t the option. It seemed the world was either where neither of them existed or they exploded against each other.
But the feeling of euphoria started to ebb as Nezha countered back—and didn’t stop. As much as she enjoyed the fight, switching from offense to defense was snarling her mood.
Distantly, Rin started to register that he had gotten better—better than she had improved. While she had been studying Lore and strengthening the connection between her and the Phoenix, he had pledged Combat. Two years focusing on Combat only had trained and hardened him, widened the gap between them. It was more apparent the longer the fight went on.
She started to panic; she could match him in skill, maybe, but he was simply much taller, taller than he had been 2 years ago when they were somewhat similarly built. His limbs were longer and whenever Rin lunged in close to dishearten his advantage, he simply used brute force that was stronger than hers. The physical inferiority was bigger than she had anticipated.
In the end, her strength gave out; her arm holding off his twisted under his strength and she collapsed, hard on the ground, Nezha on top of her.
"I win," he said, pinning both her legs to the ground and her hands tight in his, rendering them immovable. The little smirk on his mouth made Rin see red.
"Fuck you," she snarled and then flames roared in her hands despite herself.
Nezha screamed before she registered what was happening.
Kitay had checked in the infirmary for her to tell her he was fine.
“Surprisingly healed fast they say,” he said a bit hesitantly.
“Okay.”
“Rin…” Kitay forced her eyes to face him. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. You haven’t lost control for ages.”
“I’m fine. I reigned it pretty quick this time, I’m fine.”
She was lying, and he knew it. The first time she had accidentally summoned fire after training, Master Jiang had been there, and there was no permanent damage besides the months of lecture and jabs and tell offs Rin grudgingly admitted she deserved. That one occasion when she almost burned down the dormitory was kept a secret thank god. But besides those, she normally had her fire in check.
So whenever she lost control, Rin felt too shaken; she was supposed to be holding and leading her line to the Pantheon, not feeling like she was getting dragged on the ground, ankle tied to the line.
It didn't help that this time, guilt was working its way up her throat. She wanted to choke it out. Stamp it out. Whatever.
I don't care, Rin thought fiercely. It's his fault as well as mine.
Nezha didn’t bring it up, and neither did she. They pretended the incident never occurred, which suited Rin fine. It was fine. Everything was fine.
Everything was fine and everything was the same except both of them snapped less at each other and acquired a weird air of cold politeness. The tension that started building up again had blown up, but in a way that Rin didn’t expect.
"New policies on education."
"Too broad; also it'll definitely not be appreciated by the masters who actually do education here."
"They can go fuck themselves."
The project, Rin thought, was going extremely well. They weren't even yet to choose a topic.
She thought the difficult part would be them having to write the essay together; but at this rate they'd never even have a chance to actually attempt to write anything. He would suggest a topic, and Rin would find any loopholes or flaws until he dropped his idea. But he didn't stay silent—her suggestions would be shot back down by his own aggressive scrutinization.
"Relocation of Khurdalain, the force against the Mugen is way too focused there—'
"Yeah, and where the fuck would you fund for it, that'll take less than at least a year for a relocation that will go unnoticed by the Mugenese?"
"Better than risking at the war—'
"One might lose the war by exposing ourselves so thoroughly."
At first, it was annoying. But it started to get a bit fun, especially poking at the logistics of Nezha's ideas and tearing them apart. He hit her back as hard as she did him, and in her determination, she would pour over books more carefully and thoughtfully than she used to.
“We’re never going to finish a project, let alone choose a topic at this point,” said Nezha one day, raising his head from a book and wincing at the stiffness.
“Maybe if you just listen to my ideas.”
“Oh, because your ideas are all flawless, I assume.”
“And why wouldn’t they be?”
“No offense, but you’re not always right, Rin. Everyone makes mistakes.”
"No I don't," she shot back before she could stop herself. "Tell me one moment I made a fucking mistake."
When she realized what she’d said, Rin tensed, thinking he would bring up her incident that she yet apologized for, but another thought arrested her.
She was, physically, at a disadvantage to him in hand to hand combat, painfully proven on their last fight. But with her fire….
But with her fire, it was so simple. She was better than he ever would be, and that was a simple fact.
"An army of shamans."
"What?"
"Army of shamans," she repeated, slightly dazed. "That's fucking brilliant."
Nezha laughed till he saw her face. "Wait, you're serious?"
She turned almost dreamily at him. "It'll make Nikan unstoppable. We only have the Cike as the group of assassins—why stop there? Why not more? One shaman equals the power of a hundred men."
"No, you're seriously out of your mind."
"Why not?" she challenged. "Name one thing that's oh so terrible about this."
"For one thing, Lore itself is a laughing stalk among everyone."
Rin let flecks of flame spark between her fingers. “ Is it?”
"Not everyone really believes in shamanism, anyways. Yes, I know, you can call the fire, but not everyone relies on it, or trusts it."
"Well that's their problem for being fucking blind," Rin sneered. "This can proceed the Nikara by years."
"Doom the Nikara by torturing people you mean," he snapped. "You wish to inflict the pain and the gods inside your head among the people? Our people? You're insane."
"I survived," she hissed. "It's worth the price."
"It's not! It’s a god invading one’s mind—the constant headache, the voices whispering, screaming at you, it’ll end up making people mad before they even stand up to start a fight.”
Rin narrowed her eyes. "How would you know anything about calling the gods?"
Nezha stood, face flushed and looking more flustered than Rin had ever seen him. "You're insane. This is insane."
“It’s just an idea, what are you so fucking pissed about—”
He was leaving before she could finish her sentence. A sudden flair of temper rose inside her, how dare he leave her in the middle of a fucking sentence? How fucking dare he?
Anger that only Nezha seemed to be able to elicit from her started stirring, the feeling she hadn’t felt in two years. She thought it had blown away with their fight and her brief loss of control, but with Nezha, it never seemed to end. It never would end.
It took a while for Rin to realize that her hands were burning.
“What the fuck—” she closed her hands into fists, willing the fire to dissolve, but it was out of her control; all at once, the voice, the Phoenix, the screams started clouding in her head. The straining line that had withered a bit since their fight had seized the one small chance of her recklessness. Gasp tore out of her mouth as she shot upright and headed straight to the only person she could think of.
Kitay looked up from his book and abacus as Rin stumbled toward him, sitting alone under a tree hidden in the shadow. “What the fuck—”
"Kitay," she gasped.
Through the haze of red, she saw an understanding flash across his face and he was holding her immediately, no fear against her fire, no fear against her god or her imminent madness. She felt him squeeze her arms, her anchor to the earth. "I'm here, I'm here, hold on, I'm here— "
This didn't happen often; in fact it rarely did after last year as she finally got control of her fire. But when it did, it got dangerous.
Technically, Kitay wouldn't be of any help; he had no connection to the Pantheon or knowledge of how shamanism worked. But he seemed to be the only thing that tethered Rin to the ground. That was what she felt as she slowly fought and blocked the Pantheon from her mind, coming down to earth once more. The shrieks and screams ebbed away into dull sounds and eventually distant echoes she could handle. She clenched her fists once, then slowly released them. No sparks flew alive.
But Kitay still held both her hands tight. “Did something happen?”
She shook her head, eyes squeezed shut.
“Did Nezha do something? What happened?”
“No,” she said. “It’s not—it’s nothing. I panicked. It was stupid.”
“Rin, this is the second time—”
“I promise it won’t happen,” she said, wanting to raise her voice to a shout but her throat felt weird and the sound came out all strained. She opened her eyes to see Kitay biting his lips, obviously wanting to say something but she interrupted him: “Kitay, please. I know what I'm doing."
Kitay held both her hands between his, clasping and palming their hands together. "Rin... you don’t have to do this alone. Lean on me. Please."
Her heart ached for him, guilt gnawing at her insides. "I'm sorry."
He reached over and his arms were around her, holding her so tight she could barely breathe. But she said nothing. Kitay, she thought, would do almost everything for her, and she for him.
It was as terrifying as it felt safe.
"Come on, Kitay," Rin whined. "What's your project, you can tell me."
"Nope."
"I won't copy you."
"It's not the matter of plagiarism, Rin.”
“I thought you were my friend.”
“Guilt won’t work with me.”
A sigh escaped her mouth, nudging Kitay with her foot again. "Can you at least tell me if it's something you've been thinking of for some time?"
"Actually, yes."
"Then would you have done it with me, if we were partners?"
The corners of his mouth twitched, but his eyes were still trained on his book he was currently obsessed with. The title suggested something along the subject line of taxation which Rin couldn't fathom why the fuck he was reading about taxes for free time. "I think you would've found it boring and demanded we choose a more, ah, for want of a better word, interesting project even though this is excellent."
"And Venka found it interesting?"
"Unlike someone, Venka actually recognizes the brilliance of an idea that doesn’t border on insanity."
Rin formed a look of horror on her face. "Not you betraying me."
"What? Anyone who suggests an army of shamans is out of their minds, no offense but true."
"It is a fucking extraordinary idea—"
Rin abruptly stopped when she suddenly saw someone approaching them. Kitay raised his brows at her and turned to see what she'd spotted but Nezha spoke before he could.
"Hey, Rin. Why aren't you at class?"
She raised her eyes slightly, narrowing her gaze at him. She and Kitay were sitting side by side on a bench and Nezha's tall form towered over her. Rin honestly couldn't read the expression on his face which infuriated her. It was carefully controlled and neutral in a way hers never could.
Was he attempting small talk now? What the fuck was wrong with him? "Master Jiang is away for the Empress. Something about the Cike."
"Well then, I hope you're using your spare time to be useful for the project."
“Kitay, if you hear a report of a murder, please have my alibi ready―”
"Kitay,” Nezha interrupted her. “Venka told me to tell you to bring your other abacus so that she can calculate it herself, though I have no idea what she was talking about."
Kitay frowned. "I can't believe she thought I would forget."
"I don't think she's ever forgiven you when you borrowed her copy of the Nikara Classics and never returned."
"We were fucking nine!"
Rin's heart ached in a way she hated; sometimes, even though Kitay was close to her, closer than anyone, and he was more than what she deserved, Rin feared she would never be able to cross the barrier of childhood friends and memories. Everyone here had connections with each other one way or another. They helped each other out. Not all of them dropped their entire life behind for a place so foreign and repellent to their mere existence.
"Oh and Rin?"
Nezha's sudden address snapped her out of her thoughts. "What?"
"Your proposition on the population on the Dog province? It would have to take at least a month for the trekking through the mountains and to fit in the harvest cycle, one has to conduct it in winter. I'm sure nobody wants to go on a massive migration when it's freezing, not to mention at least a third probably wouldn't make the trip."
"Fuck you."
Rin didn't look up but she could feel him smirking as he left.
"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"
She shot Kitay a glare. "Stop doing that."
"I'm trying to make it bearable for you. Come on, at least you two didn't end up in a fight this time."
"Avoiding fighting. What a fucking improvement." Rin bit the inside of her cheeks. "I'd say he's become less of an asshole than before which is pretty easy considering what he was."
"Everything has to start somewhere. Who knows, maybe you'll start tolerating him soon."
"Kitay, please shut up."
Storm was brewing across Nikan. The howling wind snapped Rin awake in the middle of the night and the pounding rain didn't help her falling back into sleep. Her mood conspicuously soured as the storm didn't show any sign of ceasing throughout the day.
"Worst storm the Nikara has ever seen in decades," Kitay remarked, staring at the downpour. "This is a bit worrisome."
"I don't like rain," Rin grumbled, willing small bits of flames to dance in her palm and soar through the air, cutting down and evaporating raindrops before they reached the ground. But as soon as they were gone, millions of other raindrops replaced them, dosing her fire. "Imagine fighting in this weather. Everything would be doused, and it's going to give me so much disadvantage."
"Unless you have, I don't know, a waterproof tunnel formed across the battlefield."
"Extremely realistic."
"What, I could do it. Maybe."
Nevertheless, the storm didn't halt Sinegard—after all, wars didn't take a break because of bad weather. Rin was extremely tempted to call off their project schedule for another day, for spending her free time at the library in the humid weather after going through the downpour sounded so disgustingly unappealing. But she was behind, they were behind, and Rin couldn’t afford to be behind.
So she stood right at the entrance of the library, glumbly waiting for Nezha’s combat class to end.
The weather didn't get any better; in fact it worsened.
"This is atrocious," Nezha grumbled as he joined her at the entrance. His hair was all wet and stuck to his face. Rin stifled a laugh.
"What?" He said, ruffling his hair.
"You look ridiculous."
"Why, thank you." He glanced at the sky. "Is it even safe for the library to stay open right now? It's like a flood is imminent any moment—"
Screams and yells shrieked throughout the woods, and Rin spun around; a roaring sound, too loud to be far, was thundering toward them, along the creek at the side of the mountain. Split second realization was all that was needed—the dam, or the rivers or whatever it was, failed to contain the pouring rain within its capacity and was now charging toward Sinegard.
Without thinking, Rin sprinted down, into the trees, toward the rivers.
“Rin!” She heard Nezha scream after her but she ignored him—this was a job for her, he just couldn’t see it. This required the power of the gods and Rin had the power in her hands.
She was only afraid she might be too late.
However, when she skidded to a halt before the impending fall, her heart hammered so loudly that it drowned out every other noise. It was huge, she could barely see through the downpour, and she was terrified. Her vision turned white.
Letting out a breath, she summoned her fire, gathering her hands together and praying, hotter, higher, wider, desperately hoping to evaporate even though her heart was already half sunken in dread because there was too much water, and there was only one fire shaman.
Still, she couldn't give up without trying.
Her mind soared into the Pantheon, into the world of Gods, to seize the power of the Phoenix. Come. Eyes closed, she focused all her willpower solely on the connection. The screachings of the Phoenix rang through her ears, but the sound of imminent waterfall was so close, so loud, Rin thought she would be swallowed by it―
The world fell into utter silence.
Confusion flew Rin's eyes open, and a view of the flood sliding miraculously, smoothly, gently going down the rivers greeted her. Fire extinguished from her hands in astonishment, but it was okay because there was no more need. The crashing waterfall was falling in slow motion, as if a god had seized the waters and was coaxing it into a gentle sleep.
A god.
Rin whipped around to see the strangest sight she had ever seen: Nezha, hands in the air, clearly struggling and shaking from exertion.
It took a moment for Rin to realize he was controlling the waters.
It took a couple more moments for Rin to realize that the water slid past her, untouched. forming a circle around her.
He saved her life.
She stood frozen, mouth agape as inundation was held back by sheer force of Yin Nezha.
Shock and confusion and horror paralyzed her to the ground, unmoving and frozen till the rain and the rivers around her started to slow to a drizzle and Nezha collapsed on the ground.
"What do you mean, I still can't see him?" Rin demanded.
"He needs several more rests."
"So? He's lying down isn't he? He's taking a rest."
"No visitors allowed."
Rin ran her hand through her short hair, frustrated. "I need to see him."
Her argument, however, didn't make a dent. Master Enro, master of medicine, was adamant on giving Nezha a rest. Rin thought Jiang was a more suitable person to oversee the situation given her extremely strong suspicion, but he was unavailable.
Rin growled, paced, and kicked at the ground, splashing water around. The rain had reduced to a drizzle, which she didn't know whether because it was supposed to be or it was something done by Nezha.
Nezha. What the fuck.
The aftermath of the collapse was a blur—students shouting, someone carrying Nezha, Kitay running and coming up by her side, half carrying her too from her own exhaustion, dizzy with confusion. She thought she kept hearing Nezha scream.
“Opium,” she had managed to say through the chaos, “He needs—”
“I know,” Kitay held her tight to his side. “I’ve told them already, he’ll be alright, Rin.”
Would he be? If Kitay had seen the same thing as she did, and already told them about opium, that meant she wasn’t hallucinating.
It was impossible. It was fucking impossible, yet somehow things started making sense as well. It was two impossible puzzle pieces inexplicably fitting together and Rin thought she might explode if she didn't get a clear answer soon.
Well, a stupid fucking rule and order never stopped her from doing whatever the fuck she wanted before.
She waited until the dark settled down and everyone sounded asleep, the breaths of Venka and Niang evened out. Rin didn't have to try to stay awake; questions burning through her mind did more than enough to chase the sleep away.
After tiptoeing and sneaking out of her dorm, she walked around the building of the infirmary, selected a window and tried it; it was locked. She swore—she didn't want to try to break it. She tried another one—locked. In the end, the only one at the far end that was a bit too high did the trick and Rin had to hoist herself precariously on the window sill to get in. Trying not to slip on the rain, she lightly landed herself inside the dark room.
The infirmary was empty except for one bed, thank god otherwise she wouldn't have known what else to do. Rin slowly approached the only occupant, suddenly shy and unsure; but she wasn't leaving without trying.
"Hey."
Nezha didn't move.
"Hey—"
"I'm awake." He said softly.
Slowly, he turned on his bed, gingerly lifting himself up into a sitting position, and leaned against the headboard. Blinked as he saw her.
"Now how the fuck did you get here?"
"Through the window."
"Of course you did, why go through the door when there's plenty of windows in the middle of the night?"
"They wouldn't let me see you."
"Missed me that much?"
The words were teasing, but not the tone. He sounded exhausted. He had always been pale faced, but even with little light, she could see the blood drained from his face and the unnatural sickness still crossing his features.
Rin pulled out a chair and placed herself beside his bed, crossed her arms and stared. She found herself searching his eyes, to see if the dark blue she thought she had glimpsed through the rain was real and true and still there. But if it had been there, they were now gone. His eyes were their normal, lovely brown.
"What?"
"Who are you?"
He picked at his bedspread. "Elaborate?"
"Don't fucking kid me. You're a shaman."
He said nothing.
"Since when?"
"What if I said I do not wish to talk about this?"
"What if I said I don't give a shit?"
"So what, you're going to stay here until I say something?"
"Yes."
“You’re impossible.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t know that before.”
Rin said it lightly, off-heartedly, but neither of them felt like joking and she knew it.
Silence was suffocating, as it always was with Nezha, but for the first time Rin wasn't going to break it. Minutes ticked by during which she saw him frowning, casting his eyes down and fidgeting with his fingers.
Rin had seen Nezha in many ways—snarling, arrogant, polite, exasperated, cold—but nervous was not what she associated with him. Yet there he was.
“I’ll tell you a very short version,” Nezha said slowly. “Not all of it.”
Later, Rin would wish she wouldn’t have pushed him. Later, Rin would wish she didn’t go through that goddamn window, later Rin would wish she never pressured or forced him. Later, Rin would wish she never knew the secret Nezha had harbored his whole life.
But later, Rin couldn’t go back in time and stop herself from being so fucking stubborn and demanding, not knowing the weight of her question. So she would have to bear the weight of his secret.
She could tell he left out the details—the very abbreviated version of the darkest secret. The dragon. The pain. The endless healing. The god that invaded his mind. The mark on his back.
She should've comforted him, should've offered him kind words but it all still felt awkward for her. Everything between them was awkward for her.
"Is that why you were such an arrogant ass in our first year?"
Nezha gave a humorless laugh. "Perhaps."
Several moments passed before Nezha said: "I'm sorry, you know."
Rin looked away.
"Rin?"
"No, I don't know. You made my life a living hell, do you know that?"
Nezha looked down at his hands, twisting and clasping them together. "I know that."
Some part of Rin felt petty, because he was sick and wounded and tired, having had a god in his head just yesterday, and Rin knew how that felt. He had literally saved her life. And on top of that, he just told, from what she suspected, a story that he never told anyone before because she forced him to.
She had thought he was hiding something, but something crucial and important, not something so utterly devastating.
"So… that's it? You can't die?"
"I don't know."
"Nothing can kill you?"
He fell silent at that.
"Nezha—"
"Rin," he cut her off. "I’m quite sure you would understand when I tell you that I do not wish to continue this conversation.”
She did. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt a little.
“Can you leave?”
Her hands curled into fists and released, then repeated. "Nezha—"
"Leave me alone," he said, and he sounded so, so tired that Rin actually did shut up. That was a first. His guard was down, but not because he chose to but because he simply had no energy to put one up.
It scared her.
When Rin glanced back before holstering herself out the window, he was still in the same position, legs drawn up and fists on either side of his knees, and he looked terribly, terribly lonely.
"Kitay."
"Hmm?"
Nezha tapped his foot impatiently till Kitay finally lifted his head from his book.
"Why, hello, Nezha."
"I, uh, was looking for Rin. I thought she'd be with you."
"Nope."
Nezha sighed in frustration. "Any idea where?"
"Yes."
"Where?"
"Promised her not to tell you."
Nezha wanted to tear his hair out.
It’d been a whole week since he’d recovered and finally able to fucking function, and yet when he came out, Rin was nowhere.
It wasn't like she disappeared—she was here, with Kitay, at her classes, sparring and practicing, reading at the library. She simply wasn't acknowledging his existence at all.
Nezha felt like they'd gone all the way back to the beginning, before their forced project, back when both of them ignored the other. Honestly, this felt worse because now he couldn't fucking understand what he had done wrong. She was the one who turned up in the middle of the night and forced a conversation, not him. She got what she wanted.
"Why the fuck is she avoiding me for?"
Kitay lazily turned a page. "Didn't figure that out yet?"
"Is it about what happened? I don't know anything else."
"Try harder."
"What the fuck is her problem?"
Kitay slammed his book shut.
"Her problem? Her problem is that she doesn't know what to do with you. You tormented her for the whole first year, got her almost kicked out, then pretty much ignored her and then you suddenly are a shaman too when she thought she was the only one. Do you know how much she suffered when she first summoned the fire? It would've been so fucking good to her if anyone who could relate to her was by her side."
"She hated my guts back then."
"Exactly and that makes it more confusing for her, can't you see it? She doesn't know whether she wants you or not, wanted you or not."
Nezha opened his mouth, closed it, swallowed. "I—"
"And top of that, you like her and she doesn't know how the fuck to act around you."
"Wait—what—she—what do you mean I like her?"
Kitay slammed his book on Nezha's head.
" Ow , what the fuck?"
"You two might be the dumb ones but I am not fucking blind, Nezha."
He rubbed his head. "Please tell me she doesn't know."
"Of course she doesn't. She's allergic to feelings and you treated her horribly."
He winced.
"Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"
"Depends. Look, Rin doesn't let go of a grudge as you might have easily guessed. She definitely doesn't intend to make the first step especially toward you. If you want to be friends with her, you need to do something about it, not just fucking wait."
"Why are you telling me all this while not telling me where she is?"
"Because I want her to be happy, asshole. And I didn't promise not to talk about her. Now fuck off."
“Kitay…”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. To you, I mean.”
“Gee, nice to hear that after 3 years.”
Nezha groaned. He was going to pay for what he’d done for the rest of his life.
The evening air was crispy and tasteful. Rin laughed as she inhaled the scent, sprawled on the ground, the little picnic they'd gathered scattered around them. She popped a piece of bread in her mouth.
Kitay took a sip of his wine before licking them off his lips thoughtfully.
“What’s in chapter 8, part 3, section 1?”
“Principles of Siege battle,” Rin immediately answered before Venka opened her mouth. “Ha! Won again.”
“You don’t even pledge strategy,” Venka said, throwing bits of her cupcake in her direction. Rin swatted her hand. “How the fuck do you still remember this?”
“I still reread it sometimes.”
“Pity that you have to reread to remember it.”
“Chen Kitay, if you don’t shut up―”
Rin trailed off when she saw the people walking down the hill not far from them. Nezha, with several other Combat students, were walking down the hill after their class. Venka’s day for the extra lesson was another day. She and Kitay turned to see what she was staring at.
“Nezha!” Venka called.
He turned and for some reason, met Rin’s eyes first. She tensed.
Rin had been avoiding him, it was true, for reasons she didn't admit anything to herself. It's been almost 2 weeks now. So much had changed between them, she was afraid of what she might find when she probed this weird new atmosphere. The forced prospect of their project haunted her, but procrastinating never tasted sweeter. Fuck getting that top spot.
She knew he was trying to talk to her―he kept trying to corner her, wait for her after class. Rin dodged every single one. Because what the fuck was she supposed to say? She cursed herself for forcing the story out of him; she didn’t want this burden, his burden, one that messed up everything.
Curse Venka to call him.
"What are you doing?" he said as he approached them.
"Kitay's testing us on how much we remember Sunzi. Rin's winning, help me out."
"Of course she is."
That didn't sound like teasing. It sounded like a compliment. Rin wanted to slap herself.
"Okay then," Kitay said after Nezha sat down beside Venka. "Chapter 13, part 2, section 5?"
"Principles on defense," Nezha said immediately. Rin frowned at his direction.
"No, that's section 4. Section 5 is the counterweights of defense."
Kitay whistled appreciatively. "Rin is honestly beating the shit out of you all."
She couldn't help the grin twisting the corners of her lips. Nezha's stare was impossible to ignore, yet she didn't dare meet his eyes again.
It went on for some time, till the sun beneath the horizon began to drag its last strands down as well, enveloping the air with dark. Kitay glanced up. "We should go."
“I’ll clean up,” she said immediately, wanting nothing more than for Nezha to go away. “You three go ahead.”
“I’ll help.”
Rin desperately gave Kitay a look. He shook his head, an apologetic smile on his face.
“I’ll kill you later.”
“Sure you will.”
A glare pointed at the back of Kitay's head didn't do much to help. Rin picked up the empty bottles of wine, wanting to escape as quickly as she could.
“Rin.”
She ignored him.
“Rin.”
Nezha grabbed her arm. She tensed, and he let go before she fended him off.
"Rin, just listen okay?"
She held herself stiffly, focusing her gaze somewhat diagonal to his left.
"I know I've said this before, but I really am sorry. I never should've acted the way I had."
“What?” she blinked. “I forced you to tell me. It’s not like you did anything wrong—"
“No, not that. I meant, in our first year "
"Oh."
Now he wanted to talk about that? Rin thought she finally understood him a bit, but even now he surprised her.
"I was an asshole."
"Like a fucking spoiled brat asshole."
"Yes."
Rin finally turned her gaze to look at him. The setting sun blushed his face red, softening his features. He looked so far from the scowling, sneering sixteen year old.
The truth was, she liked having him as a friend; he challenged her, made her move faster and with more precision in combat, could match her skills. He made her rethink and redo all her studies just so she could beat him. He made her world a chaotic mess, and honestly, Rin found that she didn't mind.
Peace and tranquility never was an option for her, after all.
She just didn't know whether her mind allowed her to let him in.
"Why did you torment me so much then?"
Sure, she did punch him in the face and kick him in the balls. But his disgust always seemed to run deeper than that, making herself wonder what the fuck about her could offend him so much. Was his pride that big that being beaten by her was enough to want to kill her?
Yes, she thought. She was the same.
"I thought I was better than you. I wanted to prove it."
"Was?"
"I'm not better than you."
Rin searched her mind, and surprisingly found that this didn’t give her any pleasure, pride, or smug defeat. It might have, more than 2 years ago. It would have. But they both changed. They weren’t kids squabbling over pride anymore. He wasn’t better than her, but she also wasn’t better than him except him being an asshole. They were just different, inherently so yet so similar in their own ways.
She beat him once already, anyways.
"You almost got me kicked out."
"I know, I know. I didn't realize it before, but now I just feel like a real prick. I'm sorry."
It was the most sincere she heard from him.
Could they do this? Put aside their animosity? Rin always thought they were meant to be fighting―he had everything she never did, power and prestige. It was as if they were bound to crash, go against each other till only one of them stood at the end.
Screw that, she thought. Screw fate. What do you want , Fang Runin?
"I forgive you," she said, cautiously. She tensed, waiting for whatever regret that might wash over her, but none came.
Nezha gave her a tentative smile. She returned one.
If she could tell 16 year old Fang Runin that 3 years later, she’ll be having lunch with Kitay by her side, Venka on the opposite and Nezha next to her, laughing till her stomach hurt, she knew that 16 year old Rin would never believe her, not in a million years. In fact, saying that she would have laughed at her face would be an understatement.
The four of them became so close so quickly that Rin was astonished; they frequently hung out whenever they could between their busy schedules. She loved the long nights in the library discussing Kitay's latest strategy assignment together.
“Offense against a fortress surrounded by rivers,” he said, frowning. “And the enemy is aware of the attack, just not exactly when.”
“Surprise attack,” Rin said. “In the dark, catch them off guard.”
“No can do.” Nezha studied the map on the desk. “The troop’s too big to hide in the trees, and it’s a short, imminent battle. The opponent a hundred percent knows we’re coming.”
Venka swiveled the map so that it faced her. “Better than charging in just because they saw it coming, though.”
“Split ways,” Kitay concluded. “Six or seven.”
Rin made a face. “I don’t like that. It means at least one is bound to get defeated.”
“Better than risking the entire army.”
“Besides, someone has to lead each troop. I don’t think I would trust seven people to lead an army. Two, three maybe but seven?”
“Well we all know you wouldn’t. You have trust issues.”
“Shut up, Nezha.”
The harmless jabs and insults with no care made her grin more often than she would’ve liked to admit. Sometimes she would wonder why they weren’t friends sooner. He was probably the best sparring partner she would get. She had practiced with Kitay, but it just wasn't the same since they refused to truly go hard on the other.
Nezha, however, didn't back down and neither did she. But the past hatred, the sheer determination to win the fight out of spite was gone. It was simply a practice helping each other out, pointing out weaknesses and covering the other.
"You favor the right handed torso cut too much," Rin said one day.
Nezha frowned. "Do I?"
"Yes. Notice how you almost never get your first hit? I always know you're aiming for there."
"But the enemies won't know that I do that."
"What if I was the enemy?"
"Thank god you aren't one, then."
"Yeah, you really should." She landed another blow, and he parried her sword.
Afterwards, as they took a break under the shadows of tree branches, she broached the subject she'd been thinking of for the past few weeks.
"Been thinking."
“About?”
"The project."
Nezha turned to look at her. "Okay."
She took a breath. They hadn't talked about his secret, no. Neither of them broached the subject. Rin accepted that it was his secret to tell, his right to control. No need to push him on it, not when it was hardly needed.
"So, even though I absolutely never in a million years do not agree whatsoever on what I'm about to say next, let's say an army of shamans is a bit dangerous."
"Too dangerous."
"Shut up and let me finish."
"I'm listening."
"What if shamans aren't used in battlefields but for other purposes?"
Nezha looked at her curiously. "Like what?"
Slightly encouraged that he wasn't backing away, the next words came easily. "You saved us from the flood. Imagine what other shamans can do."
"I didn't save— "
Rin frowned. “Accept the compliment before I take it back."
“Glorious moment.”
“Shut up. Anyways, so no forcefully turning a whole army into shamans," she said. "Because I know you'll be against that. Yes, I know, I know, so how about just using the shamans that we do have in other ways besides, well, assassination?"
This close, Rin could see him slowly chewing the inside of his lips. He was doing what he always did, picking out her logistics and prying them apart to see any flaws. “I’m afraid to say that I do see where you’re going.”
Rin almost sat up in excitement. “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?”
Doubtful expressions still lingered on his face, but she was sure some of them were abating. “There are still people who don’t even believe in gods.”
“They all saw you control the waters. If they don’t believe me, they believe you.”
She didn’t say it in spite; it was true. Nezha knew that, too.
“This is still crazy.”
“Crazy enough to win this fucking assignment.”
Nezha drummed his fingers on the ground. “I figure I shouldn’t have expected anything less from you.”
“Be grateful that I’m not pushing my army of shamans agenda.”
“Oh, believe me, I am grateful.”
Rin kicked him in the legs.
“So you agree?”
“We’re so fucked.”
“I know.”
“Rin.”
She jerked awake.
“Whoa, slow down.”
She blinked, rubbing her eyes. Venka’s face peered down at her. “You awake?”
“I…”
“It’s time for breakfast, dumbass. Wake up.”
She looked around, disoriented. She was in their girl’s dorm. “I don’t…”
“Something wrong?”
“I don’t remember falling asleep here.”
Venka smirked, and Rin immediately knew she asked the wrong question. “You didn’t. You fell asleep at the library.”
“Oh.” Last night, she and Nezha were pouring over the sixty-four gods in the Pantheon; she already knew many with her study on Lore but Nezha was determined to catch up to her. Most groups had chosen their topics long before they had, and that meant Rin and Nezha were far, far behind.
“Did you bring me here? Thank―”
“Nope,” she said cheerily. “Don’t thank me for that. Nezha carried you here.”
Rin winced.
“What?”
"He carried you. Said you looked uncomfortable and figured it'd be better if you slept on your own bed, but didn't want to wake you up. Quite nice of him, hmm? Never thought he had it in him."
“Nice,” she repeated. “Huh.”
Venka propped herself on Rin’s bed, staring at her. Rin avoided her gaze.
“So?”
“So what?”
“God, when the fuck are you going to open your eyes and see that he likes you?”
“Venka―”
“No, it’s too obvious, he’s not even good at hiding it, it’s impossible that you don’t know.”
Rin fell back on her bed, covering her eyes with her arms. "He's an asshole."
“He was! We were! Arrogant assholes, I mean. Still is, yeah. Look at me though, I'm still a bitch but you are too and we didn’t try to kill each other for quite some time, did we?"
Venka's grin, when Rin opened her eyes to glare at her, was sharp and teasing.
"Venka, please shut the fuck up."
"Sure," she said. "Doesn't change the fact that he likes you."
Rin threw a pillow at her.
The next time Nezha saw Rin, it was an accident, and he was simply passing by, and he stopped in his tracks.
She was meditating.
Nezha stopped and stared, and he couldn't look away. Her face was calm and expressionless, unlike anything he'd seen her.
It unnerved him. She was so still that he would've done something to make sure that she was actually alive if it weren't for her breaths coming out evenly, methodically.
The scene was eerie, but not in a bad way. He was more astonished that all her energy and power could be contained in this way, for despite the calm facade, she did not look vulnerable or powerless at all here.
No, all the power was there, slithering beneath her hand, well within reach, so much on her small form. Yet it was all hidden from the surface, like a vast calm ocean hiding its horrors and depth under its gentle waves.
For some reason, she looked more like a goddess than she was when she called pure fire into existence.
This was the creature of utter destruction.
This was the creature of his destruction.
Rin seemed so above them all, elevating herself away from this flimsy world, able to swipe them off with a flick of her hand.
Nezha thought he knew the extent of her presence; he now realized that he never will.
"Come on, let me help."
"Fuck off, I don't need your help."
It was so fucking stupid. She simply needed to place the book back on the top shelf, it wasn’t her fault she was just slightly shorter than needed.
She stood on her tiptoes once more, yet Nezha plucked the book from her hands and easily slid the book into the shelf. Rin instinctively reached to kick him in the legs but he moved in time, expecting it. He dared look amused.
"Why are you so determined to do everything by yourself?"
“Because I can do it by myself, fuck you.”
Nezha's gaze was surprisingly thoughtful.
"You know you don't have to prove yourself anymore, right?"
Rin couldn't help it—she flinched.
"What?"
"You're already on your way to becoming one of the best Sinegard-trained soldiers and you control the fire. No one underestimates you."
Rin did know this. While some, well maybe most, still found her presence here a mockery of Sinegard, selfish and frankly undeserving, she was still here. And she was thriving. No one questioned her after the trials, not to her face anyway. It wasn’t her fault that habits and memories never died away. One slip and she will be back on the last step of the ladder, just a poor stupid girl from Tikany who didn’t deserve to be here.
"None of your business," she said stiffly.
“Can I ask you something?”
She gave him a sideway glance. “Maybe.”
"You said you wanted dictatorship. What would you change first if you have the power?
"Ban childhood marriages," she said immediately. "Equal education and free institutions."
When he didn't say anything, she looked up. "What?"
A hand reached out and touched the side of her face. She stilled, breath suddenly cut off from her.
"Loose hair," he muttered, caressing back her strands and then dropping his hand. "I'll see you later, Rin."
It was a few moments later after he left that she finally let out a breath.
The final night before the deadline erupted chaos in the library; most of Sinegard graduate year students were crowded in, all of them giving last minute checks, revisions, edits and finally producing the final assignment.
The sun eventually fell, taking most of the students with it. Yet a handful of them, including Rin and Nezha, still stayed up occupying the corners of the library. It was two in the night when silence enveloped the scene, leaving them almost alone.
Rin carefully put the cover on the assignment and signed the names: Fang Runin, Yin Nezha.
"Fuck, we did it."
Nezha sounded exhausted but quite pleased with himself.
Rin rubbed her eyes, tired. “If they don’t pick us after all this shit, I’m setting the library on fire.”
“Hmm. Just don't make me your accomplice."
She snorted, looked up to retort back an answer and her heart skipped a beat.
The moonlight shining through the open windows illuminated half this face, while drowning the other half in shadows. For a moment, he was still, and Rin could easily imagine him as a sculpture, purposefully made to be perfect. Beautiful was the only word to describe. His eyes were half closed against exhaustion, lashes making long shadows.
“Can I ask you something again?”
Rin startled out of her reverie. “What? Oh. Sure.”
“What happened to your arms?”
Rin frowned in confusion till he gestured at her arms. “The scars, I mean.”
“Oh. I, uh, burned myself.”
"While summoning the fire?"
"No, my fire doesn't hurt me. It's, it was, before that."
He didn't say anything, merely giving her a curious look before she caved in.
"I burned myself to stay awake, to study."
"For Keju?"
"Yes. And after that. Before we pledged."
"I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't." She turned her face away.
Rin could feel him staring though, his eyes burning through her. She tried to ignore it. It was like ignoring sunlight glaring at her face. No use, do not get distracted, this is pointless, this is disgusting, this is not—
"What?" she snapped, looking up.
"You are the most magnificent person I know."
That was not what he was supposed to say. This was not what they were supposed to trudge into. What the fuck was she supposed to say to that?
"Rin."
She swallowed, desperately wanting to burn whatever twinge that went through her heart.
This was unlike anything she'd ever felt before. Rin didn't know whether she liked it or not, only that she knew she would burn if she touched it. She was afraid of nothing, but this, this terrified her.
He wouldn't stop staring. Why wouldn't he stop staring?
"Rin?"
Thank god Chen Kitay.
"Kitay!" Rin shot upward, grabbing her best friend's arm. "Oh good, I was about to look for you, let’s get out, uh, bye Nezha, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She dragged her confused looking friend out.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Did you two fight again?”
“No.”
“Your face is all flushed.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Rin.”
“Kitay.”
“No, seriously, what’s going on?” Kitay grabbed her other arm that wasn’t holding him and turned her, forcing her to face him. He peered down closely at her.
"Rin?"
She refused to meet his eyes.
“Great tortoise.”
“What?”
"You like him," he said, a grin slowly spreading across his face.
"Kitay—"
"No, you really like him!" He threw his head back and laughed.
"Shut the fuck up."
"I mean," Kitay said between gasps of laughter. "He did sure mature, I give you that. But also I need to find Venka."
"What for?"
"We bet on you two getting together."
"What the actual fuck?"
"It was after you both talked shit and you forgave him."
"And you bet yes? And Venka no?"
"Actually no, we both bet you'd get together. I bet before the project ended. She bet it after."
"Well neither of you are getting the money," Rin said, fuming. "We are not fucking together."
"Okay," he said, still grinning. "Doesn't change the fact that you like him, thus my chance still stands."
"What makes you say that?"
"You never denied it."
Rin buried her face in her arms and groaned.
Kitay, still shaking from trying to contain his laughter, pulled her into his arms. Rin resisted for a moment, pissed, then reluctantly laid her head against his shoulders.
"Fuck you."
"I know."
The night reminded Rin of the first day they had all come here, assembled as Sinegard students and being told that they would go through a trial to determine their stay here, and their future.
It felt like a lifetime ago. Even after going through Keju, she had still been a child really—not faced with harsher realities than she had expected, against everything she once thought she knew. Rin had fought every single day to gain respect, to prove that she deserved to be here, that she was not here by some sheer dumb luck.
She supposed she did get that respect, eventually. Rin didn't know if the price she paid was right, not yet, or if it was what she had expected.
One thing was certain: she did not regret anything she'd done.
"We got this," Rin told Nezha as he took his seat beside her.
He shot her a grin. "I don't doubt."
Jima was up on the stands, just like all those years ago on their first day. A sudden nostalgic air came to Rin, and a bloom of sudden shock of how much had changed. Never would she have dreamed of having the boy next to her so comfortably.
Rin glanced back, and caught Kitay's eyes, who was sitting next to Venka. He grinned at her, and she smiled back.
“Hey.”
A light hand on her shoulder brought her back to presence.
“We’re going to get it,” Rin said stubbornly. “If not, I’m going to burn down this place.”
“Please don’t. Rin, I... “
“What?” She tilted her head, suddenly hyper aware of his hand on her shoulder. She wanted to shake it off, and wanted it there forever.
“I liked working with you.”
Her cheeks started heating up. Before she could reply, however, Jima’s voice filled the hall.
"And the winner of Sinegard's graduate year presentation goes to—Sring Venka and Chen Kitay!"
Rin was slouching off at the edge of a cliff.
Turned out Kitay and Venka's proposition was utterly brilliant; they somehow found a perfect solution of taxation and how to utilize its to the utmost proficiency all the while maintaining the equivalent among the people and the province. How, Rin had no idea but she shouldn't be surprised given how much Kitay poured over his abacus, always tinkering with it.
"Was looking for you," Nezha's voice said from behind.
"Hmm."
"Mind if I join?"
Wordlessly, Rin handed him the bottle of sorghum wine she'd stolen. Nezha took it and slumped down next to her, watching the tiny lights of Sinegard fluttering below. He took a gulp and shuddered as the strong alcohol went down.
"Damn, where did you get this?"
"Master Irjah's office."
Nezha's eyebrows shot upward in an elegant arch. "Seriously?"
"He was the busiest with Kitay's report. Wouldn't stop pouring over it the last I checked. Figured wouldn't notice if his secret stash lacks one bottle."
"And you decided to slouch off alone."
Rin gave the barest shrug. "Felt like it."
They fell into silence.
"I'm happy for Kitay. He deserves it." She laughed a hollow laugh. "But I still feel fucking bitchy. Does that make me a terrible friend?"
"You wanted to win. Simple as that."
"Did you?"
He gave a smile. "Yes. But like you said, they do deserve it."
Rin regarded this Nezha curiously, so different from the sneering arrogant boy he had been 3 years ago. Well, he was still arrogant and conceited in many ways but not in the way that genuinely hurt her, just annoyed her in an affectionate manner.
She held out her hand. "Pass me the drink."
Wine never tasted sweeter in her mouth. If she could be honest with herself, she would have said the company she was with definitely improved her mood. Not that Rin was ever honest with herself.
"Should've gone with my idea."
"Ah, yes, because all your ideas are brilliant and infallible."
"Fucking finally, you see the light."
Nezha cracked a laugh, and something sparkled in Rin's stomach.
The night chilled and the wind swirled past them. Rin shivered, having forgo her cloak in her haste to hurry.
"Come here." Nezha held out his arms and Rin gratefully shuffled closer to him, clinging to his warmth. He held her surprisingly carefully, and Rin suppressed a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold.
"You know, I could easily summon the fire," she said, words muffled against his chest.
"You still came."
"Hmm."
"This work still left us quite something, still."
She fitted her head against the crook of his neck, content.
"Like what?"
"Well, I don't know, for me, it left me you."
Rin felt a blush creeping up her face but kept her gaze straight ahead, hoping it wasn't visible in the dark. "In what way?"
"Care to enlighten me?"
She turned her face, to retort back an answer but she couldn't because he was kissing her.
Oh.
Rin immediately grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer; his hands rose up to cup her cheeks, where it burned against the cold wind. Sweet and sour taste of wine spread and ached against her lips, and she heard a low moan escape her mouth.
They could've done this forever, Rin thought as her head spun. They could've avoided wasting all the time and energy fighting and instead do this.
Nezha's lips left hers but still lingered on her face, leaving feather-like kisses on the corner of her mouth and down her chin.
"Nezha," she whispered.
He moved back slightly, enough to meet her eyes. Their gaze met and held.
Rin's hand moved on its own accord, brushing the side of his face and burying itself in his hair.
"Goddamn you," she said and pulled him toward her.
"Morning." Nezha dropped a kiss on her cheek as he sat down next to her.
Kitay's eyebrows raised and Venka let out a whistle.
"What?" Nezha said, grabbing a piece of bread and inhaling it.
"Don't do that," Rin snapped.
"Why?"
"Because Venka's about to win money."
She cackled. "I won, Chen Kitay! Pay off!"
Kitay made a face. "Why couldn't you two kiss before, I don't know, last night?"
Rin threw her bread at him. He ducked.
“You did what now?” said Nezha, frowning.
"Bet on you two getting together,” Venka grinned. Rin felt Nezha kick her under the table. “Ow! What’s wrong with placing bets?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“This is going to be a fucking disaster,” Venka mimicked. “Well, disaster for Kitay and me, I suppose. Get a room for your affection, it’s disgusting to the public.”
Rin threw another piece of bread at her. She caught it, laughing.
"I hate all of you."
"We know.”
"Everyone except Nezha."
"Kitay, I swear—"
Kitay raised his hands in mock surrender. "I'll shut up. For the moment."
Rin glared, but she couldn't stay mad at Kitay, not at Kitay for too long. Especially when she wasn't really mad and felt her arm brush against Nezha's. His hand sneaked into hers under the table and linked their fingers together. He gave a small squeeze, which she returned.
Later, Venka and Nezha left for their Combat classes and it was Rin and Kitay alone. As they walked out, Kitay suddenly grabbed Rin's arm, turning her toward him.
"What?"
"Are you happy?"
Rin frowned. “What do you mean?”
"Come on, Rin. Are you happy?"
He didn't sound like he was joking; all the casual joking air he had before was gone. He sounded serious. Rin's heart leaped with affection for him, for Kitay. He was looking at her intently.
She looked away. She nodded.
Kitay squeezed her hand.
"No, where the fuck—"
"Just trust me."
"And you think I would trust you?"
"No," he replied easily.
"I hate you."
"I know."
It was dark outside Sinegard; they sneaked out after night had fallen, the moonlight their only guide. It was Nezha who suggested it in the first place, and Rin, although slightly astonished, wasn’t to back down even from a simple excursion like this.
She kept glancing up at the sky, feeling like the twinkling stars between the clouds would fall and swallow her up any moment. The realization that she hardly had any moment to relax and enjoy the starry view during the night, either studying or falling into exhaustion on her bed, pulled her eyes to the wonder that unfolded above her head. She stumbled once or twice, too distracted; Nezha held her hand tight at each misstep. She made a face at him but didn't pull away.
They reached beyond the hills, walking past the rivers where Nezha unleashed his god, till the lights of Sinegard dimmed. The sound of water started to grow louder in Rin’s ears and when they went into the clearing outside the thick of trees, she found themselves on the edge of a small cliff, water churning beneath them.
"This river," Nezha said, "takes all the way to Arlong."
Rin tilted her head. "You're going to take me to Arlong?"
"Hell, no."
"Am I gonna be that unpleasant a guest?"
"You'll set my house on fire the moment my brother sneers at you."
"As I should."
"Of course. Now come on."
He took her hand and pulled her aside till a grand waterfall that Rin only heard the sound of crashing into the rivers came into view from the opposite side.
"I used to come here at night when I missed home," he said, a little wistfully.
Rin couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy; she never had a home to miss.
“Why bring me here, then?”
"Wanted to show you something."
“It’d better be worth my sleep or I’ll punch you in the face.”
Nezha laughed, and pulled her close, lacing his fingers through hers.
"Wait for it…."
The clouds parted their way to let the moonlight spread its presence over the Nikara and Rin gasped; the moonlight reflected off the waterfall, glimmering against the falling waters, turning them into liquid moonlight. It looked like it was set on fire.
"It's beautiful."
"Isn't it?"
His arms sneaked around her waist, pulling her back to his chest, tucking her head under his chin. Rin folded her hands above his.
The feeling was terrifying. She thought she might die from it.
Nezha leaned down, lips tickling her cheek. "I think fire and water look so lovely together, when complementing each other."
She turned around so that she faced him, encircled in his arms. The moonlight was hidden once more in the clouds, but it didn't matter, because she had already memorized his face. She let her hands travel slowly up his waist. Traced the lines on his back, where she knew the Dragon tattoo was engraved. He tensed.
"Does it hurt?"
"Sometimes."
He was lying, she could tell.
"I'll find a way," she promised. " We will find a way."
He studied her face, a small smile creeping up on his. His hand barely hovered over her cheeks, caressing her stray hair out of her face. Rin leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering close. Then he pulled her face toward him and kissed her, slowly at first, light bare touches between lips, then surely. Rin wondered if she'd ever get tired of kissing him.
For Rin, the world was a painting; she believed in power, she believed in her own power to change the colors on the canvas. Her life was her own to live, and her fate her own to choose. Every time odds were thrown against her, she had viciously torn them apart to go through each and every one.
Yet all the same, she couldn’t help but wonder; she wondered if she ever would’ve kissed him if fate had different plans for them. If their names weren’t put side by side. If nothing had forced them together. If, if, if. Would everything have been different today?
Fate was a funny thing.
Her name written against her lips. She sighed and pulled him closer.