Chapter Text
“Wynonna, you can’t bring Alice – not to mention three weeks’ worth of her stuff and Doc – all the way here from Montana on the back of your motorcycle!” Nicole put down the book she was reading and turned to stare at Waverly incredulously. Waverly sensed the attention, gestured to the phone with an exaggerated look of disbelief, then rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No, not just because it’s winter now; because how will all three of you, and all of her stuff, fit?! I don’t know! Send Doc back here for the truck? Nicole got it running again last month.” There was a long, long pause. Nicole watched, concerned, as Waverly’s eyes lit up for just a second before her whole body began to tense. “No, I – I can’t. Wynonna, you know I ca – ” She pulled her phone away from her ear, frowning. “She hung up on me!”
Nicole had just opened her mouth when her own phone began to ring. She glanced at it, then back at Waverly, then picked it up. “What the hell, Wynonna? Why did you hang up on – ”
“Because before I ask her again, I want to make sure you’re okay with me asking.”
“Oh,” Nicole said, putting together Waverly’s half of the conversation with the brief look of excitement she’d seen in Waverly’s eyes before her whole body had tensed up as she claimed she couldn’t do what Wynonna was asking. Because she was about to tell you no for my sake, she thought. “It’s okay, Wynonna. You can ask her.”
“It’ll be probably close to a week,” Wynonna said, oddly gently, her concern obvious even in those few words. It was simultaneously infuriating, embarrassing, and heartwarming. “And then another couple of days three weeks later when we bring her back.”
“I know.” She deliberately didn’t make eye contact with Waverly, who surely was piecing together what was happening just as she had. “I’m not a kid, Wynonna.”
“No. But you are a person who went through hell. You can be okay but you’re never the same. And I’m not even sure you’re okay yet. Not about this.”
“Just call her back,” Nicole said, disconnecting the call and glancing up at Waverly. “You can say yes,” she said quickly, just as the phone began to ring, then she got up and kissed Waverly on the forehead before she went into the kitchen and sat at the table, wanting to give her wife a little space.
A few minutes later, she smiled as she felt Waverly’s hands settle on her shoulders from behind. “I don’t have to go,” she said, keeping one hand on Nicole’s shoulder – keeping that tangible connection – as she sat down, then she took one of Nicole’s hands in both of hers. “Jeremy and Damon could. Or Nedley. I bet he’d love to take Rachel, or Billy, or Rachel and Billy, on a little road trip…she had her last final this morning, remember?”
Nicole sighed, shaking her head. “It’s us Alice has been FaceTiming with. And you’re the one who pointed out she seemed nervous about visiting last time we talked to her. She’s gonna need all the familiar faces she can get. She’s only talked to Rachel a few times, and she’s never met Nedley or Billy.”
“But you…you can’t come with me.”
Nicole forced herself to look as neutral as she could. She’d made her sacrifice willingly – and she would make the same choice every second of every day, because the gift of a lifetime with Waverly was worth any sacrifice – but she couldn’t deny that it stung to be unable to go with Waverly on her first long trip away from the Triangle. And on a trip to bring Alice for her first visit, yet. “But you can go, and you should. Alice is gonna need you. Wynonna is gonna need you.”
“I just….”
“Baby. You should go.”
“I don’t want to go without you.”
“I know. And…I’d be lying if I said there isn’t part of me that wishes I could go…or that you wouldn’t.” She put a gentle finger on Waverly’s lips to forestall her protest. “But most of me wants you to do this. Besides, someone needs to make sure Wynonna and Alice and Doc get back here safely. Okay?”
Waverly sighed. “Okay. It’s just….” Her eyes roamed Nicole’s face for a long while. “Will you be okay?” she finally asked.
“Yeah. Of course.”
Waverly was clearly skeptical, but she let it go for the time being. “I know better than to ask if you have any regrets but….” She leaned forward to give Nicole a quick kiss. “Thank you, again, for what you gave up for me. And what you’re giving up for me today.”
“No regrets at all, Waves. None. I’d do it every day until the end of eternity,” Nicole said, echoing her words from that day by the Stairs. “You know I’d do anything for you.” Waverly nodded. “Besides…it was as much for us as it was for you.”
Waverly swallowed hard, then gently tugged a lock of Nicole’s hair. “I’ll turn on Find My Phone,” she promised. “So you know I haven’t…that I’m…that I didn’t…disappear? And FaceTime you, like, all the time.”
“Thanks, baby. Just…be safe, and come back as quick as you can, okay?”
Despite her best efforts, Nicole knew Waverly saw through her bravado. She forced a smile, but leaned gratefully into Waverly’s embrace anyway, resolving to spend the rest of the night memorizing what it felt like to hold her in her arms.
One day to drive there, two or three days to get acquainted with Alice and get her ready for her extended visit at the Homestead, and a day to drive back.
It would only be about a week. Probably not even a full week.
She could do a week.
She could.
It’ll be worth it, she kept telling herself.
It would be worth it – Alice would be with them from a week before Christmas all the way until the day after her birthday – Wynonna had made a point of pointing out, specifically, that Waverly would be there to celebrate Nicole’s birthday with her before taking Alice back to Miracles.
(She had, of course, also made it clear that they were expected to celebrate quietly.)
A couple days without Waverly would be worth the first real Christmas they’d ever had. Between Alice’s absence and the raw grief of Dolls’s recent death, the Christmas before the Stairs had had a bit of a pall over it, even with Mama there. Wynonna, guilt-stricken, whiskey-soaked, and self-destructing, had tried to put on a brave face for Waverly’s sake the year before, but it hadn’t fooled anybody. Doc had been conspicuous in his absence and Jeremy had been withdrawn and jittery at first, and then a somewhat maudlin, sloppy drunk as the night had gone on – it was obvious he was missing Robin, but he still steadfastly refused to talk about him. As for the Christmas without them…well, Nicole would just as soon forget that.
But this year?
Damon had somehow convinced Jeremy to go with him to Christmas dinner at Bunny Loblaw’s house, but they were going to stop by for dessert after. Nedley had had more wherewithal and would be doing the opposite, along with Billy, who was still staying with him, given that he was not yet of legal age to take over Magpie Ranch. Doc, Wynonna, and Alice would be there. Their application to adopt Rachel had been approved and just a few weeks after the New Year, they’d be in family court in the City making it official.
It was everything Nicole had ever dreamed of.
A home and everything that brought with it.
Stability.
Roots.
Family.
She was about to celebrate her first Christmas with her wife – with her soulmate, with the person who had shown her just by existing that soulmates actually existed – and surrounded by family that was happy and healthy and thriving.
There were no curses.
The end of the world was, as far as any of them knew, not in any way imminent.
Purgatory’s residents – all of its residents – were learning to live with each other. BBD, under Jeremy’s leadership, was working to help Purgatory’s supernatural residents in any way that they could – supporting them instead of exploiting them for their skills, as BBD had done with Dolls, or hunting them. The town was peaceful and growing.
And she was married.
To Waverly Earp.
To the woman who’d been her angel long before they’d known she was an angel.
It was a dream come true.
And she could survive a couple of days without Waverly if it gave her that dream.
She could.
She had sensed Rachel’s worried attention following her around the Homestead all that endless first day, growing more intense as she sat picking at her dinner. After the Chili Cook-Off (For Freedom!), Waverly had perfected her actual recipe for vegan chili until even Wynonna had admitted it wasn’t that bad – which was the highest endorsement Wynonna was willing to give any vegan recipe.
But maybe it, and the memories it stirred up, had not been the best choice for her first dinner without Waverly in what simultaneously felt like forever and no time at all.
It was frustrating. She’d had a year to get past the effects of Waverly’s absence in the Garden. As far as she was concerned, that should have been enough.
The Homestead was safe. The traps were filled in. She had her job back and had earned the town’s respect back along with it. The city council was even on board with the significant reforms she hoped to make as sheriff. And, most importantly, she could pick up her phone at any time and look at the little icon that showed that Waverly (or at least her phone, Nicole’s anxiety pointed out) was very much there and had absolutely not vanished into some other spiritual realm. She’d looked not more than half an hour ago and found that Waverly was only an hour outside of Miracles.
And, yet, there she was, dumping her leftovers into the composting bin Rachel and Waverly were lovingly nurturing in order to fertilize the vegetable garden they planned to plant in the spring.
“Wanna watch some Golden Girls? There’s three or four on the DVR from today.” Rachel offered, watching her carefully. She had to feel like it was a gamble, falling back on one of the things Nicole had used to distract herself during the eighteen months they were alone. She could almost see the question in Rachel’s eyes, because she was wondering the very same thing: would it help, or would it make it feel even more like those endless, lonely months?
Nicole genuinely wasn’t sure. But she forced a smile anyway. Surely it couldn’t make her feel worse. “Sure.”
They had just started the second episode – a favorite of Rachel’s, in fact, an early Christmas episode featuring a very young George Clooney – when Nicole’s phone rang with a FaceTime alert. Rachel quickly paused the episode, smiling as she moved to get up. “I’ll give you guys a minute.”
“Hey, wait,” Nicole said. “Say hi to Waverly first. You’re family too, remember?”
Rachel shrugged, sitting back down next to Nicole and leaning close to her shoulder to peer into her phone’s camera. “Hey, Big Mama,” she said, and they all chuckled when they heard Wynonna’s squawk of disbelief in the background.
“Hi, Rachel!” Waverly said, though both Nicole and Rachel noticed her attention was focused entirely on Nicole’s face and, in particular, her lips, which Nicole hadn’t even realized that she’d already chewed raw. Rachel excused herself after just a little small talk. “Hey, sweetie,” Waverly said in a much gentler tone of voice. “Just got here.”
Nicole forced a smile. “Did you get to meet Alice?”
Waverly shook her head. “No, she’s already asleep. But I got to see her – in person, I mean – and, Nicole, she’s…perfect.” Waverly’s eyes shone in wonder. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. Gus says she talks about you all the time.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Ever since we started FaceTiming them. Apparently, she thinks you’re pretty great. Not that I’d argue with her.” Waverly opened her mouth to say more, but she yawned instead. “Sorry…all that driving…it’s more tiring than I thought. I just…I wanted to see your face before I go to sleep.” Waverly looked at her for a long, silent moment. “You okay?”
Nicole shrugged. “Just miss my wife.”
“Awww, your wife misses you too. We’ll be back soon. We’re gonna spend two days here so Alice can get to know me, then we’ll start back early Wednesday morning. Wynonna and Doc are gonna take turns riding the motorcycle and riding in the Jeep with me and Alice. Just a couple more days, baby.”
“I know.”
“I love you,” Waverly whispered, turning her head to mock-glare at Wynonna’s playful gagging.
“I love you too.” Waverly reached out and touched the screen of her phone; Nicole did the same. It was…well…almost enough. It was better than nothing. It was better than empty hours that stretched on forever, with no end in sight. At least she could count down the hours (the minutes…the seconds) until Waverly would likely be home. “Sleep well, baby.”
“You too,” Waverly said, with just enough quiet compassion to her voice that Nicole knew Waverly knew that was going to be almost impossible.
They stared at each other for another long moment, Waverly offering her another small, reassuring smile, before they hung up. Nicole leaned back, closing her eyes, and sighed, repeating to herself, She’s okay. She’s just in Montana. She’s okay. She’s just in Montana. She’s okay. She’s just in –
She felt the couch dip next to her but kept her eyes closed anyway. “She’s okay,” Rachel said. “She’s just in Montana.”
Nicole’s laughter caught her by surprise, but after she was able to explain, Rachel just smiled and handed her a bowl of popcorn, resting her head on Nicole’s shoulder and unpausing their episode of Golden Girls.
The next three days felt…interminable.
She barely ate. She barely slept.
She spent the whole time telling herself she was being ridiculous, but it didn’t really help.
Her hours on duty at the station had never crawled by so slowly – even including the graveyard shifts Nedley had put her on after she’d come back being attacked by the Jack of Knives.
She’d forced herself to check on Waverly’s location only three times a day: just after she woke up, somewhere around lunch time, and just before she FaceTimed Waverly before bed. And Waverly, for her part, was true to her word and had called several times each day, along with sending lots of pictures and texts.
And, yet, even before the morning they’d started their return drive, her head swam with images of all the car accidents she’d responded to in the past, not the least of which was the frozen moment of horror when she’d seen Wynonna’s overturned truck at the top of the cliff where Dolls had died.
She was washing dishes from the late dinner she hadn’t managed to eat – she and Rachel had slipped right back into their old pattern of alternating cooking and clean-up duties – when she heard the tires crunching on the dirt and Rachel calling out, “They’re here!”
She sent a silent prayer of thanks to…well, to whoever…hands clenched onto the edge of the sink until she could trust that her legs wouldn’t give out underneath her from the sheer, overwhelming relief.
She took another deep breath, trying in vain to calm her racing heart, then followed Rachel out the front door. She had to stop at the front of the porch, though, holding onto the post for dear life when the sight of Waverly hopping out of her Jeep stopped her heart.
She pinched herself on the arm.
It was real.
It had to be.
Right?
She was real.
She had been real that afternoon in the snow, and she was real now.
…right?
Then, before she could spiral any further, Waverly was in her arms. Her knees almost buckled again, but Waverly – again, just like that afternoon a year before – just took all her weight and held her up until she could stand.
Nicole took one last moment to bury her face into the crook of Waverly’s neck, breathing in her scent and reassuring herself that she was awake, that she was not imagining this, that this was her wife and that she was safe.
That she’d come back.
“Sweetheart,” Waverly murmured quietly, right into her ear, “it’s okay. I’m home. It’s real. I promise.” Then she pulled back, putting on a more carefree face for their audience, though her eyes stayed locked with Nicole’s. “Hi, sweetie-pie,” she said cheerfully. “I missed you.”
Nicole tried. She really did. She took a deep breath, swallowing hard, and tried to get words past the lump in her throat, but she couldn’t. She just nodded.
She lasted about five seconds before she gave in and pulled Waverly into another hug.
And then a kiss.
Just to be sure.
Their lips met and Waverly tasted right and her knees nearly gave out one last time.
Waverly was home.
Then, in the distance, she heard Alice’s voice, sleepy but full of wry amusement that clearly came one hundred percent from Wynonna, “Look, Mama. Just like you said they would.”
They both began to laugh.
Wynonna and Doc had settled in for the night in the barn with Alice, though not without many playful threats to take some sort of unspecified revenge on Nicole for having put up real siding – actual hole-free walls – and for running power lines to the barn as well. Though they all wanted to introduce Alice to Nicole and Rachel, it was far too late for her to be awake, and they’d all reluctantly agreed to wait until the morning for proper introductions.
Meanwhile, Waverly had sent Nicole, who claimed to be fine despite the very visible worry wrinkle in her forehead, the deep circles under her eyes, and her chewed up lips, up to their bedroom while she used the excuse of making some tea to get the real story from Rachel.
“How was she? Really?”
Rachel sighed. “It was hard. I think…if it was just you or just Wynonna gone it would have been easier. But it was just…us. Jeremy got stuck on a project so he couldn’t have dinner with us, and Nedley let Billy cook dinner and they both ended up with food poisoning so we didn’t see them either, and it was too much like….”
Waverly sighed. “I shouldn’t have gone.”
Rachel, she noticed, didn’t dispute that. “She hardly slept. And last night she woke up at like two a.m. and went out to the check the traps.”
Making a mental note to come back to the fact that Rachel had also been awake at two in the morning, Waverly asked, “The traps we filled in before the wedding?”
“Yeah. I guess she…woke up and since she was alone and too tired to think, she just….”
Waverly’s heart clenched. “God.”
“I…I don’t think she was ready…for…this.”
“Yeah,” Waverly said, breaking eye contact to add some almond milk to her tea and regular milk and honey to Nicole’s. “Okay. Thanks, Rachel.”
She nodded, but stopped Waverly at the doorway with a hand on her arm. “Waverly?”
“Yeah?”
“Please…don’t…go away again. At least…not until she heals more?”
Waverly nodded, looking up at their bedroom door, which sat just slightly ajar. She noted that Nicole hadn’t turned on any lights in the room, and she sighed. “I won’t,” she promised.
“Night, Waverly,” Rachel said as she went into her own bedroom.
Waverly watched Rachel for a second, smiling as she overheard Rachel mutter something to herself about adults. It had been a shock, that winter morning, to find a strange teenaged girl sitting in her kitchen with her homemade kombucha, but as time went on, she found herself not only grateful that Rachel had been there for Nicole (and for Nicole to take care of) but also feeling genuine affection for the girl, separate of either of their own histories with Nicole. She was smart as a whip, kind and compassionate, and Waverly was deeply thankful that Rachel was now part of their family.
Then she took a breath and headed up the stairs.
She found Nicole sitting on her side of the bed, arms slack at her side and her eyes focused off into nowhere in a way Waverly hadn’t seen for several months.
Damn it, she thought. If her trip had wiped clean all those months of healing, she would never forgive herself.
Nicole was different than she had been before the Garden – she always would be. Her self-confidence had been shaken, but more than that – she carried the weight of that grief and loneliness and self-recrimination around with her all the time. Like physical wounds, she had begun to heal, but those wounds had left scars that would never entirely fade.
Mostly now they weren’t noticeable.
But…sometimes….
Waverly had, mostly, made her peace with that. There was nothing she could do now, after all, to change what had happened. All she could do was love Nicole with her entire soul, and hope that would help soothe those wounds.
But now she had to face the possibility that maybe she’d been convinced too easily. That maybe she’d let herself believe that Nicole was stronger, was more healed, than she really was. That maybe she’d just set Nicole back – far back – in her journey to rebuild herself.
She stood there at the threshold for a moment, waiting to see if Nicole would notice her.
She didn’t. Or, if she did, she couldn’t react.
Waverly bumped the door closed with her hip, using a little more force than was necessary, hoping the noise would register.
It didn’t.
So Waverly put down both tea cups and spent some time slipping into pajamas – she noted that Nicole was already in yoga pants and a tank top – and otherwise getting ready for bed by the light of the moon just outside the window. She watched Nicole out of the corner of her eye, and so was prepared for the moment that Nicole stirred and came back to herself.
But she didn’t say anything.
She just crossed the room and sat next to her, pulling her into a hug and tucking her head under her chin, holding her tight and rocking her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered after a couple long minutes when she felt Nicole soften slightly in her embrace. Nicole shook her head. “I am. Part of me knew you weren’t ready for this, and I should have listened to myself. And it’s okay that you aren’t, sweetie. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be.”
“It’s been six months since the wedding,” Nicole said. “It’s been a little over a year since you got – ” She had to stop for a long moment. “Since you came back,” she finally managed to finish.
“Baby,” Waverly murmured, “pain like that doesn’t heal overnight. Pain like that doesn’t even heal in a year. And I haven’t even been back as long as I was gone.”
Waverly felt the thought send a shiver up Nicole’s spine. “But – ”
“I seem to remember you telling me that it was completely understandable that I was still scared of the dark as an adult because the Revenants killed Daddy and took Willa at night and awful things leave scars that take a long time to fade.” Nicole rolled her eyes, though with a little touché type of smile. “It’s okay if you’re not okay yet.” She began soothingly running her fingers through Nicole’s hair. “And I shouldn’t have convinced myself that you were. I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” Nicole said, sniffling. “I told you to go. I thought I’d be okay.”
“Did you really?”
Nicole rolled her eyes. “Okay enough for you to go. And I was. Really.” Waverly shot her a skeptical look. “I didn’t say it was the best week of my life, but – ” She blinked rapidly, then shook her head as though banishing a memory. “But it definitely wasn’t the worst.”
Waverly gently traced the dark circles under Nicole’s eyes with the pads of her thumbs before she ran one of her fingers over Nicole’s lower lip. It hadn’t looked that bad in a long time – raw and chapped and split sightly in two places. “But Rachel already ratted you out. As if I didn’t take one look at you and know what the last few days have been like for you.” Nicole sighed, and Waverly decided that words weren’t going to do the trick. So she urged Nicole to lie down, then crawled under the covers next to her and pulled her close, wrapping her arms around her tightly and just holding her.
After a few moments, Nicole exhaled shakily and wrapped her own arms around Waverly in turn.
And no more than two minutes later, Waverly’s exhausted wife was snoring gently, her breath warming Waverly’s collarbone.
She laid there for a few minutes, rhythmically running her fingers through Nicole’s hair until she could be reasonably certain Nicole would stay asleep and wasn’t, at least at the moment, heading into a nightmare. Then she let herself drift off to sleep as well.