Chapter Text
Pulling the covers from his face, Tadashi woke up with an ungraceful yawn. He stretched his feet and arms whilst laying down and slowly placed himself into a seated position on his bed. Slowly pushing his overgrown hair from his face, he reached for his hair tie to pull it back into a loose bun. Of all the time he kept holed up in his apartment really did show as he wasn’t able to get a haircut in over eleven months.
He stood up and made his way to the restroom, feeling groggy and tired from the excess sleep during the day. He didn’t know what time it was, not that he was particularly watching, so he slowly took his time waking up. He pulled his shirt and sleep shorts off one at a time before starting the water to his shower and ran it while he brushed his teeth. Once he finished he took his hair out of his bun and stepped into the shower. The water was warm enough to relieve him from his sleepy warmth that he lost from getting out of bed.
Feeling the rushing water down his body, the minor bliss of cleanliness washed over him and slowly woke his mind up. He didn’t really think about much, his brain didn’t really feel like overworking. The only thoughts that left his brain were centered on food, knowing his refrigerator was most likely empty at this point.
After washing his body and refraining from washing his hair for the annoyance of having to dry it out and brush it, he stepped out of the shower and made his way back to the bedroom where he slipped on another large t-shirt and loose fitting shorts that barely held onto his hips.
He made his way to the kitchen, his eye catching his phone which was most likely filled with notifications. He glanced at his home screen and saw four missed calls from Hinata Shoyo and Yachi Hitoka, as well as a professor and his mother.
Walking to the kitchen he dialed the number of his ginger friend to let him know he’s okay. Or at least at the moment he’s okay of course.
“Hey Hinata i-“
“Tadashi Yamaguchi please tell me it isn’t getting bad again is it? You know me and Yachi are here for you!” the boy interrupted. He seemed so concerned and worried.
“Hinata, I'm okay now. It got bad last night but I’m okay now. Don’t worry.” A small white lie that he knew Shoyo would see through, but nevertheless, said. He slowly closed his eyes and tried to wake his mind up before continuing, “I’m fine. I need to call my professors about class but I’ll be fine. Thanks for checking on me, Hinata.”
“I’m sending Akaashi-senpai over with some food so please let him in.” Not a familiar name but I’m sure a good friend of Shoyo’s since he basically knew everyone on campus.
“I will, thank you guys so much. I’m gonna call Yachi back too so I’ll see you later”
“Okay! See you later. Oh! By the way, Kageyama and I are going to go to the library later if you want to join us. I know you don’t like coming out much but we miss you so.. please consider it. No pressure though! Okay bye~” Tadashi almost giggled for the way his friend managed to speak so fast in such a short amount of time. That boundless energy of the volleyball player really came through in moments like this. It reminded him of the gratitude he has felt and always will feel toward the boy for keeping someone like Tadashi as a friend all these years after high school. Before he could space out and reminisce, he remembered he needed to reply to the boy.
“Okay I’ll think about it. Thanks again. See you, Hinata.” He hung up.
He sighed. Now for Yachi-san. He knew she was gonna be harder to convince. No one expected her to be the assertive type when she joined the friend group, but sure enough, the Pre-law student persists with almost the same stubbornness Tobio has.
The phone rings a couple times, pauses, and he hears a click on the other end. “Yachi-san?”
“Oh! Yamaguchi-san! I was just thinking about you. I’m so glad you could call me back.” The gentleness in her voice only added to the menacing feeling growing in the pit in his stomach. Nervously, he replied, “Oh really? Well I just wanted to let you know I’m okay and that I’m sorry for not calling you back right away.”
“Oh don’t apologize! But if you’re not okay please reach out to us. I’m here to help you! I want to be there for you. Make sure to eat okay! I think Hinata-san is going to send a senpai over to make you some food. Please eat! I’m gonna go to class and I’ll drop by to give you your schoolwork. If you need any help, I can come study with you sometime?” Her voice pitched up at the end in genuine suggestion. He really didn’t deserve the kindness his friends gave him.
“Thank you Yachi-san. I was going to call my professors back anyway so I can grab my stuff myself. But thank you.”
“No! I’m coming over. I miss you as well! I’m gonna stop by and that’s final.”
“Sure sure, I miss you too. But I assure you I’m okay now. Please don’t worry Yachi-san.” He hung up quickly because he knew Yachi would want to argue his well-being. He feels a bit guilty for being rude but he knows Yachi understands. She understands the boundaries Tadashi has unspokenly put up over the years, but that doesn’t mean she won’t push when she knows something’s up.
Tadashi is truly grateful for friends who care for him dearly. He often thinks about how he doesn’t deserve them, that all he’s done is drag them down.
A growl leaving his stomach brought him out of his thoughts as he migrated to the kitchen of his apartment. Opening the refrigerator door, he isn’t surprised to see it almost empty; only things left are condiments and expired left-overs that he ought to throw out. He grabs a bottle of water and drinks half of it off the bat, and moves on to his pantry and grabs some bread to make toast.
Reminded that he will have an Akaashi-senpai coming over, he let his eyes scan his apartment, assessing how much he cares to clean up. There are clothes, papers, things he doesn’t remember putting, all over the place. He figured it would be disrespectful to have a guest over with clothes everywhere, so he focussed on pulling at least all his clothes off the floor.
The layout of his apartment allowed for a full view of most of the space simply by sitting in the living room, so he tried to tidy up where he assumed this senpai would sit down on the sofa, and cleared trash on his coffee table. Even if everyone knew that he didn’t take care of himself, he doesn’t want to show it.
He walked over to the window inside the living area and looked out. It was kind of sunny, a nice amount of shade hitting the plants he could see on the ground below him. He unlocked the window and cracked it open just a little to let fresh air in. Not too long later he heard the doorbell ring and a few light knocks. Akaashi-senpai is here.
He opened the door and was approached with a taller man with short dark hair. He wore a cool gray sweater on top of a collared shirt and dark slacks. Across his chest and shoulder sat a shoulder-bag for school, and he carried a white grocery bag presumably with food for him. Tadashi thinks he looks very sleek to be a college student.
Greeted with a small, but unemotional smile, the man spoke first, “Hello Yamaguchi-san, I’m Akaashi Keiji, the senpai Hinata-san requested to bring you food. He also told me to sit with you, so would you care for some company?”
“Ah, hello Akaashi-senpai, thank you for bringing something over,” Tadashi politely smiles, “Please, come in. I hope I wasn’t a bother to you since we don’t know each other.”
“Don’t worry, your friend Hinata really cares for you, so it isn’t a bother at all.”
Tadashi opened the door more to allow Akaashi to pass him through the doorway. Closing the door behind them, he saw Akaashi’s eyes widen slightly at the sight of his place, an expected reaction.
He figured he should probably dismissively address it before the other does, so he stammers out a “Ah sorry for the mess, I’m not usually this messy!” and fake-chuckles out of embarrassment.
“Oh don’t worry about it, I am intruding unexpectedly so it’s understandable.” The green-haired boy nodded and showed the other to the sofa. They both sat down and Akaashi opened the bag he brought onto the coffee table. Varying packaged items, it looked like ingredients for a simple noodle dish. It isn’t frozen or microwaveable like Tadashi is used to.
“Hinata-san said to make you something rather than just buying it, so I will make you some ramen. Is that alright if I borrow your kitchen?”
“Oh, um yeah. I wasn’t expecting a home-cooked meal but thank you Akaashi-senpai. You really don’t have to if you’re busy or anything.”
“Nonsense, I’m doing this for you. We may not know each other but I want to help you anyway.”
Tadashi once again nodded silently and watched the black-haired man bring his bag of ingredients to the kitchen. Akaashi unloaded his bag and put a few extra items into Tadashi’s refrigerator and pantry, probably some essentials or unnecessary items Hinata thought he needed. He felt grateful and guilty that his friend cares for him so much.
After rummaging through a couple cabinets, Akaashi found a pot and filled it with water to boil on the stove. He then focussed on chopping and preparing other components of the dish, and noticed Tadashi awkwardly fidgeting and watching him work. He didn’t comment on it.
The green-haired boy tried to suppress these fidgets and his chest compressions but it only amplified it, and in giving up he hears the water finally begin to boil and Akaashi pour in the noodles.
Nothing but kitchen noises filled the apartment, no television, no noises outside, no A/C. In a way, it felt kind of peaceful, bringing a bit of ease to Tadashi's growing nervousness. Breaking the moment in the boy’s mind, Akaashi commented, “Yamaguchi-san, here’s some ramen for you. Would you like me to accompany you?”
He replied, “Ah well, I mean if you’d like to stay for a minute.” He walked closer to grab a bowl for himself and the dark-haired man followed close behind. Akaashi sat down in the armchair next to Tadashi’s sofa, allowing a bit of comfortable space between the eating person and himself. Tadashi muttered a ‘thank you’ and an ‘itadakimasu’ and slowly began eating. The noodles were surprisingly hot as it hit his tongue, despite having watched it boil.
Tadashi wasn’t entirely in the mood for eating at that time, but he knew that his guest probably wouldn’t leave until having watched him eat it completely per his ginger friend’s request. That was fine. He accepted this assistance, even if he felt guilty about it.
“Yamaguchi-san,” he heard Akaashi start, “I heard a bit about you from Hinata-san. I wanted to tell you a bit about who I am since it will probably make sense why he made me come over.”
“Sure, I thought you were just an upperclassman that was available but I guess that isn’t the case huh?” he smiled softly.
“Yes well, I am actually double-majoring in journalism and psychology, and I plan on having professions in either field. Hinata-san said that you have had an… unstable relationship with your mental health, and he wanted me to talk to you, even though I’m not a licensed therapist…” the other trailed off a bit at the end in contemplation or irritation.
“Oh no I couldn’t ask you to deal with me, I mean yeah I guess I do struggle a bit, but that’s something everyone does, right?”
“Yamaguchi-san, the ‘average person’ doesn’t ‘struggle’ internally every single day for hours on end. The reason I came to make you food is because you haven't been eating or drinking anything recently, isn’t it?”
No response.
“I don’t want to argue with you or lecture you, because that usually doesn’t get you anywhere. I don’t want to come across as better than you either, you are your own person and you should know your needs. So tell me, is there anything in particular that is bothering you?”
Tadashi sat in silence for a minute, truly contemplating whether he should confide in this man. He set his bowl down onto the coffee table and looked the other in the eye. Dark gray orbs stare back at him through glasses, but still hold the power of revealing truth. Tadashi thinks that Akaashi will be successful in getting information whether as a journalist or therapist.
“Well, I mean, it’s just the ‘I don’t feel worthy in this world so why should I be in it’ usually. But like last night, it kinda got worse, like kinda worse than most days. Like most days I can get up and go to class and generally feel okay because I can hide when I want, but yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed. It was just… painful.”
“I see..”
“Yeah, and I-I mean, there are other things too, I probably shouldn’t tell you, but like regarding my well-being. Ah, I don’t feel comfortable telling you, senpai. But anyway, these bad days where I can’t get out of bed, they’ve been happening more and more frequently. That’s why Hinata sent you over to feed me, cause sometimes it’s just kinda hard to find purpose in taking care of myself.”
The other nodded, no visible positive or negative emotion on his face, just an acknowledgement, “Yeah?”
“Yeah. That’s like most of it I guess. Thank you for listening haha!”
“Yamaguchi-san, I’m not exactly sure why you're trying to laugh it off. This is serious.” the dark-haired man lets out a breath, “Sorry, that came off a bit rude. I mean yes, laughter can be a coping mechanism, but I’m not sure it’s most beneficial in your case.”
Tadashi silently nods without blinking, stunned. Sure, he expected as much, revealing that he’s borderline suicidal would only cause seriousness in others’ tones if he told them.
“For your sake, and the sakes of your friends and family who I’m sure love you and care for you dearly, please don’t try to kill yourself.” Tadashi widened his eyes slightly at the bluntness. He almost felt a twinge of irritance as he didn’t know this upperclassman at all and yet he saw right through him. “You know it doesn’t solve anything.” Akaashi finished.
Tadashi blinked slowly, trying to word what to reply, “Yeah, yeah, I-I know. It just feels like if I were not a part of their lives anymore I wouldn’t put so much burden on them to take care of me like this.”
“You know it’s even harder of a burden when they’ll miss you when you’re gone, right? It’s a lose-lose situation, Yamaguchi-san.”
Silence.
“Most of this feeling is because you refuse to believe you have any good qualities, but I’m sure there is so much good in you. Hinata-san tells me all the time about you and how amazing you are with him. Do more of that.”
Those gray orbs stared right into his soul, cracking and breaking away at the chains that he tried so desperately to keep up. All the pain, anguish, agony that he’s had inside himself only now decides to come out, pay a visit to this mystery senpai guest that has simultaneously brought him food and broke down his internal walls upon their first meeting ever. Tadashi swallows it down and grits his teeth. No use in crying now, after all of the suppression he’s done.
“I promise I won’t kill myself. I know that I have a problem with taking care of myself, it’s a real problem ‘cause I don’t live near anyone I look forward to, but I promise I won’t kill myself.”
“You promise?”
“Yes.”
“You do realize you should also definitely get a professional for you too, right? My advice can only be so beneficial, and I legally can’t diagnose you at all.”
“Yeah, I know. I had one a few months ago but she kind of ghosted me online so I lost contact with her.”
“Ah, well good luck if you wish to seek any other therapists. There are a couple professors on campus that are certified if you want me to put them in contact with you, otherwise I have a class in a few minutes so I’ll have to leave. Let Hinata-san know I came by and that you finished lunch, okay?”
“Oh, ah sorry, what time is it by any chance?”
The black-haired man checks his wristwatch, “It’s 2:50pm. I’m assuming you missed breakfast?”
Oops.
“Yeah, I overslept. Thank you again for coming over Akaashi-senpai.”
“Of course. Anytime.” And with that Akaashi stood and grabbed his shoulder bag once again. The guest walked across the living area with the same sleek ease as he moved through the kitchen and stopped right at the doorway, “Make sure to eat, and I hope you feel well soon, or at least try.”
And then Tadashi was all alone again in his apartment. He really didn’t want to, but deciding it’s better to just get it over with, he began eating again. Holding the chopsticks and taking the noodles into his mouth, chewing ever so excruciatingly, and swallowing satisfactorily. He knew that because of the lack of nutrients he had in the past week, he would likely feel sick soon, so he wearily finished his meal.
A few bites later and a few almost failed attempts at swallowing his bites, he quit with the noodles. Maybe if he drank a bit of the broth it would help. He took the bowl and brought it to his lips. Drinking just a bit of the cooled broth actually was comfortably warm on his tongue and throat. Tadashi decides it’s nice.
He feels full at about half the size of the serving Akaashi served him, noticeably smaller than any ramen bowl ordered at local restaurants. Oh well. Tadashi took his bowl and brought it back to the pot of left-overs. He grabbed a container, he scooped all the contents and set it into the refrigerator for later. If he was up for that challenge again.
Feeling exhausted from the earlier interactions, Tadashi walked back to his bedroom, kicking any random things left on the floor in his way, and approached his bed. Almost collapsing right onto his bed, he snaked around and pulled the covers over his head. Another sleep sounded just about right, feeling the gentle weight of the comforter and extra sheets on his body and the softness of his bed. He drifted away swiftly.