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The first time Juuzou saw him, he was young. Around 13, but the investigators staring at him while he sat over a bloodied lifeless body, knife in hand, all thought he was far younger. He was small and malnourished, nobody was expecting the strength they were met with when they tried to pull the boy off of the body. He kicked and screamed until they were forced to sedate him so he wouldn’t hurt anybody. Who knew such a small kid could pack such a big punch?
He hadn’t remembered Shinohara when he introduced himself a couple days later. Juuzou had been convinced he was just another scary man, come to poke and prod at him and sedate him when he panicked. So he took a cautious step back when the tall man leaned down to his height, a warm smile on his face as he held out a hand.
“Hi Rei.” The man had a kind voice. Juuzo cocked his head at the sound of his given name. He didn’t like that name, that was the name Mama called him when he was a ‘girl.’
“Juuzou,” he said, looking up with hands in his lap on the bed he had been told to stay in. “I’m Juuzou.”
The man nodded, holding out his hand. “Oh! Hello Juuzou. I’m Shinohara. I was there when we found you, I wanted to see how you were settling in.”
Juuzou just nodded in response, staring intensely. He looked at Shinohara’s hand, knowing he was supposed to take it, but he couldn’t do anything other than glare. In just under a day he was completely torn away from everything he ever knew, he was alone in a scary white room and he had no idea where his mama was
“Mama?” He hated how unbelievably small he sounded, how hoarse his voice was from screaming his lungs out when the big scary men tried to rip him away from the man he had killed. He had scrapes and bruises all over his pale skin from kicking and punching all of the men who wouldn’t take their goddamn hands off of him. “Do-do you know where mama is?”
Shinohara opened his mouth to no avail, his glance dropping from Juuzou’s before he spoke, slowly and quietly, “We’re not sure. But rest assured, Juuzou, she is never going to hurt you again or so help me God. That woman’s never going to lay another hand on you.”
Juuzou cocked his head, not understanding fully. So they didn’t know where she was? Had something happened to her? He hated the small burst of joy that he felt in his chest knowing he was finally away from his mama. It was over, it was all over, at least that’s what Shinohara seemed to be saying.s
“I promise, I won’t hurt you,” Shinohara continued, his words seeming to almost be more for his own peace of mind rather than Juuzou’s. “I’ll make sure nobody here will. I’m not letting you undergo any more suffering ever again.”
Juuzou nodded, remaining silent. He was thinking he’d like Shinohara, a big, scary looking man with very kind eyes. He looked at Juuzou differently than his other visitors had, all the others having looked at him like he was a monster. He wasn’t surprised, he knew what he was. He wasn’t stupid. Juuzou was well aware that most of the people here were scared of him and he understood why. He was raised by ghouls and these were the people sent to kill ghouls, he was a human, a ‘feral child,’ as he heard some of the doctors refer to him. It was no wonder everyone was terrified.
But Shinohara didn’t seem scared of him. He looked at Juuzou like he was his own child, the way he wished his mama had looked at him. Even in the few tender moments, she had never looked at him like something worth ‘keeping.’ No, she had typically looked at him how a lion-tamer would look at their beast, like living property. Almost as if he had no soul of his own.
In fact, Shinohara’s gaze did seem familiar… he wondered if somebody had looked at him with this much care before. He knew he had been bought and sold, had memories of his former life beat out of him, but maybe before there had been someone who looked at him like a parent. Maybe somebody had been kind to him before.
So Juuzou held out his hand. “Suzuya!” He plastered a smile on his face, noticing Shinohara’s shock at Juuzou’s sudden change in mood. “Juuzou Suzuya. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
Shinohara chuckled, taking Juuzou’s hand and shaking it. “Likewise, Juuzou Suzuya. I hope I can help you settle in nicely.”
He was screaming, sobbing his eyes out, clawing violently at the bright red stitches on his arm. The word ‘No,’ tore from his mouth, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over--
“Juuzou!” He was torn from his foggy state of mind when Shinohara’s voice rang in his ears. “Juuzou, are you okay? What happened?”
Finally, he managed to take notice of his surroundings. He was laying in his bed in Shinohara’s home. Not mama’s. He was safe here, nobody could hurt him here. Especially not her. Juuzou just nodded shakily, rubbing his eyes roughly to try to force away tears.
“Yeah,” he choked out, his nails still digging into his arm. “I’m sorry for waking you, Shinohara-san. I’m okay.”
Shinohara sighed, as if he had been holding in a long breath. He reached for Juuzou’s arm, slowly prying his fingers off of his arm one by one. “What did I tell you, Juuzou? You never need to apologize. You’re the strongest little gladiator I know. You’ve been through a lot and you’re still standing.”
Juuzou smiled, his head pressing softly into Shinohara’s arm. “I’m tough. Really tough.”
“You are,” Shinohara said with a chuckle, pulling Juuzou in for a hug, a hand on his back and the other protectively placed over his head. “You’ve been having less nightmares lately too! And that’s great, I’m proud of you, kid.”
Juuzou was silent, his eyes fluttering closed as he sunk into Shinohara’s hug. It was true, he really had come a long way. He wouldn’t even let Shinohara touch him, other than the initial handshake for weeks. And once he had come home, he had been having violent nightmares every single night. Nightmares where he woke up so scared and violent that he would punch and kick and scratch at anyone who tried to get anywhere near him. Shinohara had been left with black eyes and scrapes all over, leaving him feeling pretty bad in the morning.
“Do you wanna talk about the nightmare?” It was a bold question, considering Juuzou’s aggressive tendencies, sometimes before the question, sometimes after. But Juuzou took in a shaky breath before nodding slowly, his face still pressed into Shinohara. Maybe it would help him realize how not real the nightmares were. Because he was safe now.
“She found me,” he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. Big madam. Mama. “She found me and she told me she was taking me home and dragged me away. She-she beat you and-and your wife and said she was the only one who would ever have me.” He was hyperventilating now, the dream replaying in his mind.
“Shh, shh, you don’t have to keep going,” said Shinohara. “It’s hurting you. You’re okay now. You’re safe now, okay? We’re going to find her and we’re going to kill her. She’s never going to hurt you or anybody else again. Okay? I promise you that.”
Juuzou shook his head, taking a shaky breath and moving to lean against the headboard of his bed. “I don’t hate her,” he said silently. “She was just doin’ what she’s hardwired to do, right? ‘Cause she’s a ghoul. She couldn't help it.”
“No, Juuzou, most ghouls don’t just take children and torture them for years of their lives--” Shinohara stopped himself, taking a deep breath before continuing. “This would be so much easier if you weren’t so damn kind. You’re a good kid. You deserve to loathe the woman who hurt you.”
“I don’t like hating people.” Juuzou rubbed his eyes, sighing deeply as he pulled his knees up to his chest. “It makes me feel all icky. You didn’t hate me even though I did some really bad things.”
“But that’s different. You’re a child, she was a grown woman who consciously decided to hurt you.”
“Yeah, you’re right. She’s terrible, I know she is,” said Juuzou, gazing out the window, at all the stars in the sky, wondering if he could afford a few wishes on them. “I hope I do hate her someday. But right now…” He trailed off, leaning his chin onto his knees as he looked out the window. The sky looked so pretty at night and he didn’t have the energy to talk about his mama anymore.
Shinohara pressed a steady palm onto Juuzou’s shoulder, squeezing softly. “You’re safe now, Juuzou, okay? She won’t hurt you anymore.”
Juuzou nodded, knowing how deadly serious Shinohara was. He had heard this every night when he had nightmares, it was repeated to the point it was practically carved into his brain. Things were going to be okay, at least that’s what Shinohara said. And Juuzou finally believed him.
He was back for real this time. Maybe not back with mama but Juuzou knew he was back with someone. Back with the ghouls. He didn’t know what they wanted with him specifically, they had shouted at him for a couple days but after he gave one of them a good gash on the cheek, they had tied him up in a corner and left him there.
And he had been there ever since, for days now. He had lost track of how long exactly it was. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, not sure how much longer he’d last in this state. He was shivering, his clothes were torn up and he was bloody all over, his nails torn from their beds from attempts to scrape himself free.
“ Shit.” And then Juuzou was thrown from his trance. “Shit, shit shit shit, fuck.” He felt his heart start to pick up at the sound of the voice, unable to force his eyes open to see who was talking. The voice sounded familiar but he was too exhausted to put a finger on who it was. Probably one of the ghouls from before.
“No!” Juuzou managed to force out a strained rasp from his throat. He didn’t even recognize himself, unsure if it was from not having used his voice or if he had really decayed that much. He took a quivering fist, moving to stick a small yet powerful punch onto whoever was trying to touch him in that moment.
“Spunky as ever! That’s a good sign right?” came another voice as he dropped his fist, feeling the metal on his other hand start to slide off. What was going on? What were they doing? Where were they taking him?
“Shut up, Takizawa,” he heard the first voice again. Takizawa . He knew that name. The CCG. They had come for him. Thank whatever God may be still watching over him after all this time. He felt arms wrap around him and the man pick him up, carrying him away.
“Shinohara-san?” Juuzou wasn’t sure if it really was Shinohara or if he had just convinced himself it was. How pitiful it was, that he couldn’t even recognize his own father figure’s voice while he was saving him.
“Yes, yeah it’s me, Juuzou. It’s me.” Juuzou’s lips pulled slightly into what he could say was his best attempt at a smile in this state. He heard Takizawa say something that he couldn’t make out before he heard Shinohara respond. “Yeah, his left wrist is dislocated, I think he tried to pull himself out. The kid’s a fighter.”
Juuzou turned in, pressing his face into Shinohara’s chest, his uninjured arm gripping his suit tightly. “Shi-Shinohara-san,” he rasped, gasping loudly as he tried to speak. He felt Shinohara’s heartbeat speed up at the sound of his voice and he wanted to tell him it was okay. The same way he had every time he had nightmares, tell him he was okay now. He wasn’t going to get hurt anymore and he didn’t need to worry anymore.
“I’ve got you,” Shinohara said quietly, his steps speeding up. “We need to get him help now. I-I’m worried, he’s never this unresponsive after getting hurt. And he’s skinnier than usual, he needs to eat something.”
Please don’t worry about me, I’m okay , was what he wanted to say. He couldn’t stand to feel Shinohara’s racing heart against his temple, feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he tried to move as fast as he could without hurting Juuzou further.
“He’s still breathing, right?”
“Yeah, I don’t know for how much longer though.”
Juuzou was barely able to comprehend the words he was hearing. He was exhausted, everything hurt and he was hungry. He was overall just happy that he knew he’d be going home. Shinohara had found him and was taking him home. He was going to go back to his bed and get a warm meal and everything was going to be okay. He had never been more excited to leave a ‘mission’ than he was right now.
Juuzou didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he must’ve at some point because before long, he opened his eyes to find himself still in Shinohara’s arms, now sitting down. He heard a loud sigh of relief from Shinohara and saw Takizawa smiling from above him.
“There are those bug eyes!” he said and Juuzou would be lying if he said he wasn’t shocked by how happy Takizawa seemed to see him.
“Hi,” Juuzou rasped, squinting to see the faces of everyone looking at him. So he really had given everyone a good scare, hadn’t he?
“Oh thank god.” Shinohara pressed his forehead softly to the top of Juuzou’s head. “They’re gonna get you checked in soon, okay? They treated your major injuries but there were some other people that needed to be taken care of-- We’ve got you.”
Juuzou nodded, sighing softly. Tomorrow he could pretend this whole real life nightmare was nothing more than a really bad dream.
Juuzou poked his head out of the hospital room door, desperately needing to stretch his legs. He had to stay in longer than he would’ve liked and he was getting sick of it. The nurse had finally removed his IV drip and told him he could walk out and about and finally get out of the godforsaken bed he had been forced to stay in.
For the most part, he was pretty much back to himself at this point. Apparently he had slept for 48 hours straight and Shinohara had basically driven himself mad worrying that he hadn’t found him in time. But he had just needed to rest, he was already small and frail and days of being starved, chained to a floor aren’t going to be good for anyone. But now he was back and things were fine.
“Wanna say that a little louder, shithead?”
“Hm?” Juuzou’s ears perked up at the sound of Shinohara’s voice. He sounded pissed, his voice a state Juuzou had never heard before. He followed the sound of his voice to find him in a general area, looking like he was about to kill Marude. Marude looked terrified and Juuzou smiled at the sight. It was always funny to see that guy specifically scared shitless.
“That wasn’t a very funny joke, now was it, dipshit? You’re not going to talk about him like that, he’s one of us. ‘Taking back one of their own,’ my ass , he’s just a child.” From both the tone of Shinohara's voice and the context of the conversation, Juuzou knew they were talking about him. Especially following his recent kidnapping. He had heard the voices outside of his room, people discussing whether he was back to the ‘feral child’ he initially was when they saved him. As if two years of rehabilitation would get thrown out for a week of torture. He hated that they thought he was that weak.
“Look, I’m sorry--” Marude’s eyes were wide and he looked terrified as Shinohara gripped his collar. He seemed to notice Juuzou out of the corner of his eye, going, “Hi Suzuya!” in an attempt to get Shinohara’s attention off of him. It worked as Shinohara looked to see him and immediately dropped the collar, going up to Juuzou immediately.
“Juuzou! Are you okay? Is it okay for you to be out of the room?” He had dropped to a knee, hands on Juuzou’s arms, suddenly looking a lot less scary and a lot more worried.
“I’m fine! Don’t worry about me, I can handle it,” he said with a smile, peeling Shinohara’s fingers off his arms. “I wanted to walk around, I was sick of sitting. The nurse said I could.”
Shinohara sighed, rubbing his temples. “Is it okay if we go back to your room? You don’t have to sit down, you can still walk around.”
Juuzou nodded and they made their way to the hospital room, Juuzou still walking around the room absentmindedly, barely paying mind to Shinohara sat at a table with his head in his hands. “I’m sorry you had to hear that, kid. I don’t know why--I don’t know why Marude thinks his jokes about you are so funny.”
“I don’t mind,” Juuzou said matter-of-factly, smiling at Shinohara. “Yeah, it doesn’t make me happy. It’s what I expect. What else are they supposed to think of me?”
“You’re not one of them. You’re nothing like them.” Shinohara didn’t need to say the word ‘ghoul’ for Juuzou to know he meant it. He had always heard members of the CCG say he was basically a ghoul. Ask why they tried so hard to rehabilitate the feral child. He was a violent psychopath, wasn’t he? And of course Juuzou was bothered by it. It filled him with an unbearable urge to prove himself, he needed to show everyone that he wasn’t feral anymore. He hadn’t been for years. He just didn’t get why everybody refused to see that he was more than a diseased animal. He was a human and he always had been.
“I know that,” said Juuzou, a smile still on his face. “I don’t get why they don’t. But I promise, Shinohara-san, I’ll prove myself. I’ll show them I’m not feral anymore.”
Shinohara just shook his head, looking exhausted. “You shouldn’t have to prove yourself. You’re their comrade, they should trust you. It pisses me off that some of them don’t. They’re coming around, some of them…”
“I’ll find a way. I always do, don’t I?”
“Yeah. You always do.”
Everything had been different since it happened. Juuzou couldn’t help but blame himself for Shinohara’s injury, no matter how much everyone insisted it wasn’t his fault. It was strange how much nicer everyone had become too, following the mission. It was no secret that Juuzou and Shinohara were close. Everybody at the CCG saw them on the same level as a father and son, as did they. And everyone was shocked to see how unbelievably silent Juuzou Suzuya had become following Shinohara’s coma.
The thing was, Juuzou didn’t mourn. He wasn’t the type to feel extreme emotion. Anything intense he felt often didn’t last more than a couple minutes before he simply decided against it. He was a master at turning off his emotions when things got to be too much, one of the only good things Big Madam had given him. But now, he couldn’t.
Shinohara’s coma had broken something in Juuzou. The unhinged had returned to it’s hinge, the insane had gone to rest. He was quieter, more reserved, especially in the first few months following.
“Hi Shinohara-san.” Juuzou had been visiting him every day, always coming in the morning and at night before he left for bed. “People are still being kinda weird around me. It’s like none of them know what to say to me without me here. They’re finally starting to respect me, I think. I couldn’t care less for respect, but I know you’d be excited. You were always upset when they said things to me. But they haven’t lately! Though I do think it’s because they're worried I’m fragile.”
Though he knew he was thinking it and he had been for weeks, it felt weird to say out loud. Juuzou had never been the type to be viewed as fragile. He was the type to be feared. He believed that’s what happens when you let yourself grieve for the first time in your life, people are scared that the final string holding you up, the thread keeping you from breaking, has finally snapped. But it hadn’t. At least, not that Juuzou was aware of. Because he had faith. He had faith Shinohara would eventually be okay. Faith that, like Shinohara used to tell him everytime he woke up in a cold sweat, bawling his eyes out, he wasn’t going to be hurt anymore. Neither of them were. It was finally time for Juuzou to be the big guy in the situation, time for Juuzou to protect him as Shinohara had for years. It was finally time to return the favor.
“I’ll keep fighting for you, okay?” said Juuzou. “I’ll kill all the ghouls, I’ll bring you justice and one day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna see what I did and you’ll be so proud of me. Because you did good, Shinohara-san. You did good.”
Shit, he was crying now. His words were choked and he wiped his face, feeling like a snotty-nosed little kid as he buried his face in his tear covered sleeve.
“I’m sorry,” he sobbed for what had to be the thousandth time. “I’m so sorry.” Juuzou wiped his eyes frantically as tears continued falling, completely unable to stop them. He didn’t even know he could truly cry anymore. He hadn’t in years, especially not to this capacity. Not even Shinohara had seen him like this.
So Juuzou grieved. He sobbed and shouted until he couldn’t anymore, until he had no tears left inside him to cry. So he wiped his eyes, took a deep breath and smoothed his messy hair. He gave the man who had shown him the love of a father like he’d never known with those kind eyes a kiss on the forehead and he turned to go home after a final look.
Investigator Juuzou Suzuya had work to do.