Work Text:
How do you say goodbye to a love that once make you feel alive?
Miyuki Kazuya is perfect for this Sawamura Eijun!!!
Loving Miyuki, for Eijun, is like when they are on the mound and facing the scariest batter in the game: frightening, heart-trembling, but exciting. Miyuki will ask for this ridiculous game calls and Sawamura will pitch with all his heart and soul to Miyuki, ready to tackle the scariest batter there is.
Miyuki’s eyes that stares at him from across the mound plate,
Miyuki’s steady stretched arm holding his catcher mitt,
Miyuki’s daredevil calls for pitches that others will not attempt to make,
Miyuki’s impressive back throw to the infielders for defense,
Miyuki’s bullet swing that makes their opponent battery crumble,
Miyuki’s claim on him being his partner when they first saw each other and took down Azuma, a senior,
his catcher, his partner, his Miyuki Kazuya.
Miyuki Kazuya is perfect in Sawamura Eijun’s eyes. But somehow, along the years that has gone by, the frightening, heart-trembling, exciting love of them leaves Sawamura Eijun scared.
What do you do to a love that is lost, that all of the choices you made to make it right seems so wrong?
What do you do to a love that is lost, that the desire to protect it wanes and flickers because of the harshness of reality?
What do you do to a love that is so lost, that you lose yourself in the process and contemplates to just end it right there and then?
Along the 9 years that Sawamura Eijun had known Miyuki Kazuya and 7 years being in a relationship, Sawamura Eijun lost himself. He felt scared and insecure and terrified and he started hating this version of himself that Miyuki Kazuya hates.
Ah. No.
He started hating this version of himself that Miyuki Kazuya made.
Loving Miyuki made him lose his love for himself. He hated this version of himself just like how he hated himself when he had the yips. When he was scared to pitch inside. When he can’t follow Miyuki’s signs.
He felt scared as Miyuki does not like his partner shaking his signs.
He felt scared that Miyuki will leave him.
He felt scared that after 7 years of being together, Miyuki did not love him.
But Sawamura Eijun can’t be blamed for being this scared and insecure, as loving Miyuki Kazuya for the past 8 years made him this. Miyuki Kazuya never initiated something in their relationship. It is always this Sawamura Eijun.
Eijun was the first to confess that he likes Miyuki - when he visited Miyuki in the hospital after their win against Yakushi High School in the Fall Tournament
Eijun was the first to hold Miyuki’s hand - disguising it as massaging the catcher’s hand after catching his numbers
Eijun was the first to kiss Miyuki - after celebrating their first Valentine’s day together
Eijun was the first to hug Miyuki - when they finally won against Inashiro Industrial and can play to Koshien
Eijun was the first to arrange their anniversaries, Eijun was the first to offer that they move together, Eijun was the first to say I love you and Miyuki is still yet return it, Eijun was the first to talk about their future together, Eijun is always the one who initiates to their relationship and he gets tired. Because as much as Eijun is dumb to anything not related to baseball, he knows that relationship is a two way process.
One will send, the other will receive. The other will send and one will receive. A two way process.
It is not how Eijun just keeps pitching straight to Miyuki’s catcher’s mitt: baring his heart and soul to his partner and Miyuki not giving him the ball back. It gets tiring. It gets hurt. It makes him scared. It makes him insecure. It makes him feel worthless.
That maybe, just maybe, this Sawamura Eijun is not adequate for Miyuki Kazuya.
That maybe, just maybe, this Sawamura Eijun is not enough for Miyuki Kazuya.
That maybe, just maybe…
This Sawamura Eijun is not perfect for Miyuki Kazuya.
So how do you say goodbye to a love that once made you alive?
You write. Sawamura Eijun wrote this long message for Miyuki Kazuya ending him with 5 long bond papers. Eijun bare his soul like how he sends his pitches to Miyuki when they were in high school. Eijun wrote and wrote until he can’t.
And then he tears it.
'Cause how do you let go someone you love even if it hurts?
How do you let go the hand of someone you had been chasing since you were 15?
How can Sawamura Eijun let go of Miyuki Kazuya?
Oh God. He can’t.
He knows that he can’t. And so he cries again and again and again until he somehow feels a bit better. A bit better to be somewhat brave. A bit better to say goodbye. A bit better to maybe, just maybe, to start loving himself now that he forgot for the past 7 years.
And then he wrote again. This time, on a sticky note that Miyuki always uses to remind him something.
Kazuya, I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. Loving you makes me lose myself and maybe it’s time to love myself now. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m leaving. Goodbye.
Seven sentences to end their seven years. And for this Sawamura Eijun, this is enough to say goodbye to a love that once made you feel alive.