Chapter Text
The last bell sounds for the day, pulling students from their desks and out the classroom doors. Levi barely registers the sound, the shuffle of students pulling himself back into reality as he stands and grabs his belongings before piling out the door with the rest of his classmates. He waits behind until most students have taken their school bags before he goes for his, putting his belongings inside and beginning to make his way toward the front of the school.
Levi keeps his distance from the rest of the students, walking downwind, away from the most prominent parts of the crowd. He continues on his way past the classroom blocks, walking under the shaded walkways that bend and weave their way around the school buildings, watching as other students file out of other classes and make their way to the front gates also. He is almost at the front office, nearing the corner just before the school gates when he hears his name being yelled in the distance somewhere behind him.
“Leviiii!”
He can hear the steady thud of sneakers on cement flying down the path towards him, apparently with no care for the students in their direct path as they barrel their way towards him. “Wait up a second!” He sighs as he turns lazily on his heels, both hands grasping at the straps on his shoulders and flicking his hair out of his eyes to view the figure making their way through the crowd.
“Hey, Hange.”
They’ve been good friends for just over a year now and have known each other a little longer, and they are one of the few he’s managed to create some kind of bond with since he moved here. While he’s fairly well versed in all their eccentricities by now and knows that sometimes it can be a lot for him - extroversion not really being his strongest suit - he knows it's all just unbridled passion on their end. Behind their loud exterior, he knows that inside there's quiet kindness as well.
They huff as they come closer, their dark auburn hair thrown in a messy bun atop their head with their bangs messily framing their face. They halt their steps just shy in front of him, soft pants escaping their mouth as they fight for their breath back. They straighten their back and adjust their bag on their shoulders as they stare Levi down.
“God for someone small you sure do move fast.” They huff out after catching up, fixing the position of their glasses on the bridge of their nose before they continue. Levi rolls his eyes at that comment. “Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow? I thought we could spend some time working on that assignment for our class with Moblit, figured it would be easier to do it together and get it out of the way.”
“I can’t tomorrow, sorry Hange. I, uh, said I'll help out with stuff around the house tomorrow.” He knows this isn't the full truth, and his rational brain knows he could just tell them, but he feels like it would just be pointless to bring someone else into his own issues. He feels better keeping most people away from it.
“Oh, well then we can just work on it during next week then anyway. Oh, Moblits birthday next weekend as well. Don’t forget it, because you are coming.”
He rolls his eyes but gives a slight nod. “Yeah okay, alright. I guess that works. And yeah, I’ll be there. I should go now though, I’ve got to go find Erwin.”
They stand there, their hands on hips and feet tapping a steady rhythm on the concrete. “Erwin? Again? You just saw him at lunch. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, you two are basically joined at the hip.”
He gives them a narrowed stare, averting his eyes from theirs and clicking his tongue at the comment. “Sorry for having other friends, Hange. I’ll try and pay more thought to where I give my attention” he deadpans, dryly sarcastic but snappy. Hange knows by now that nothing Levi speaks is ever purposefully harsh, it’s just how he is.
“Ha! Funny one. As if you could ever stay away from him for more than a day anyway.”
They retort back at him with equal wit. “Fine, I’ll let him keep you all to himself,” they respond with a small smirk and a slight tilt of the head, “Well, you have fun, I’m going to the science room,” Hange readjusts their own backpack on their shoulders and smooths out the front of their uniform, “Anyway, I’ve got to head back to the science blocks for a bit. Have fun!” They turn with a sly grin and start on their way before Levi can let out a goodbye. A sigh escapes through his nose and he turns again toward the front school gate to find Erwin.
He’s attended this school the most out of any since his mum settled in this town with him when he was ten. She travelled quite a bit with him since he was a little child, never really settling too long in one place. He never knew his father, not that it really mattered in the end, he got all the care and support he needed from his Mum, Kuchel, and some help from his Uncle, Kenny.
With the constant moving, he did, however, not have the easiest time keeping long term friends. He has two he keeps in touch with every now and then, but aside from that he never had much more than that. The constant moving, new towns and new schools almost every year, the idea of trying to make long-lasting friendships was something he never actively sought out. The consistent nagging thought in the back of his head that it wouldn't last and longer than a year halted him from trying, he learned to find solace in his own company.
Erwin, however, turned out to be the exception.
Being a year older than Levi, they met during Levi’s early months when he first started primary school. Levi stuck to the sidelines, tending to eat alone at lunches and interacting as little as possible during classes, but Erwin was nothing if persistent. They would share a few mixed year classes, and Erwin would find him on school lunch breaks, after school as well. It’s not like Levi minded, he just didn't understand why. He slowly opened up as the months went on, and soon enough the two of them were as inseparable as two boys could be. He’s always shown Levi kindness and he’s become the most valuable friendship he’s had. He’s not sure why Erwin keeps his company, he definitely never expected a person like him to care about his existence, but he’s glad he does.
As Levi rounds the corner of the school gate, weaving his way through the flock of students making their way to be picked up and taken home, he spots Erwin not too far off leaning against a phone booth fiddling on his phone. Squeezing his way out of the crowd, he huffs and picks up his pace and makes his way towards him, but before he makes it much closer Erwin looks up and gives him a toothy grin, the same one he gives him each and every time they meet. It’s something that Levi never tires of seeing, no matter how much he gets to bear witness to it. It brings a special kind of warmth to his chest, something that even the sun can’t compete with.
“Levi!” he yells out across to him, that smile still playing on his lips as he pushes himself up off the booth, slipping his phone into his backpack and slinging it over his shoulders, walking to meet Levi halfway. He looks up as Erwin closes the gap between them, squinting into the sun beaming down onto them as he gives a closed-mouth smile in response.
They start off from the school grounds and begin making their way down through the busy streets and into the quieter suburban neighbourhoods. It's mid April - the warm spring weather still lingering, each week slowly welcoming in golden nights and the yearly Autumn rains. They walk in stride with each other as they talk - about school mostly, checking in on each others days - with Erwin slowing his steps slightly to not get too far ahead of him. They enter the opposite end of Levi’s street, continuing to talk as they both make their way toward his home.
Erwin turns to look at him with slight curiosity in his gaze and a soft smile smoothing over his features. “How was your last class?” He's facing mostly forward but his eyes are turned to look at him.
“Well, it was boring as usual, but okay I guess” he returns in his characteristically deadpan tone, turning his head upward to face Erwin, giving him a small smile in return. “I wasn't really paying too much attention, honestly. Hange found me after class, they bloody well nearly bowled over an entire grade's worth of kids trying to catch up to me, too.” he shook his head and let out a laugh, rolling his eyes in remembering the exchange.
“Yes, that sounds like them doesn't it.” he lets out a soft chuckle in return which makes Levi look back up at him. Erwin shakes his head softly, letting a few stray strands of golden blonde hair fall out of place across his forehead which he promptly pushed back into place.
“What reason were they chasing after you for?”
“They wanted to spend time working on an assignment tomorrow. Also to let me know again about Moblits birthday next weekend, as if I could forget about it with how much they go on about it.” Levi says, clicking his tongue and rolling his eyes.
Erwin laughs, short and throaty. “Well, I’m sure it’ll be fun so I can’t blame them for it. You are going, right? Dad even already offered to pick you up and take you with us.”
Levi looks up at Erwin to see him already looking at him. “Uh, yeah, actually. That would be good.”
Erwin smiles and hums in approval. It's silent for just a moment, and Levi averts his gaze once more, kicking at a stray stone with his slightly tattered black sneakers on the asphalt surface.
“Anyway… How was yours? Your day? I'm sure being on the senior student council has more interesting things going for it.”
“If by interesting you mean the swimming carnival, then yeah, it’s absolutely thrilling. I am sure you of all people are all absolutely excited for that.”
Levi turns his head back in Erwin’s direction, eyes narrowing in on him as Erwin gives him a cheeky smirk. Levi hates the sun, and is definitely not a fan of the water, either.
“Is that a joke I hear? Funny one, Smith. But you act as if both you and Mike aren’t hanging out to show off. I’ll be as far away from that pool as possible.” He says back, sarcasm lacing his words.
“Come on, now, not even a little dip?.” Erwin nudges him lightly with his elbow, releasing a hearty laugh that Levi swears he could feel vibrate through the air and right into his own chest.
Levi rolls his eyes and nudges him back “Oh so now there's sarcasm too? I really am a bad influence on you.” He is unable to hide the upturn of his mouth and the warmth rising to his cheeks at the laugh he elicits from Erwin, so he turns and faces the road again.
They eventually find themselves at the end of Levi’s street and begin to make their way to the edge of the driveway before Levi stops and turns again to face his house. The yard itself is a little worse for wear, signs of weathering starting to show itself on the house exterior. Kenny tries his best to keep it tamed whenever he’s free, but even he is short on time these days. Levi lives here with both his Mother and Uncle, a simple place in the cheaper and quieter residential areas of town, while Erwin lives just a few streets up from him, a nice but modest enough two-story house. It's become a routine for them to walk home together every afternoon, and it’s something they never break from.
These walks consist of talks of their days, any new interests they’ve discovered, anything that’s on their minds, but some days when Levi doesn’t have much in him to make valuable conversation, the quiet between them is enough. Erwin respects that and doesn’t push Levi to talk if he isn't feeling up for it - the comfortable silence in each other's company is enough for the both of them.
Erwin stills when he does, and follows his gaze to his house before turning his attention back towards Levi. He shuffles his foot slightly against the asphalt ground before he finally gets his words out.
“So, how is she?” the words come out delicate and laced with care, almost like they’re scared that too much push will cause something in Levi to break.
Levi chews on the inside of his lip and he finds himself picking at the skin around his fingernails, his left leg rapidly bouncing a fast and steady rhythm on the ground. He stops himself and shoves his hands into his jacket pockets, sighing quietly through his nose and turning to face Erwin for a second; averting his gaze from him just as soon as he gave it, choosing to focus his attention on a line of ants on the driveway instead.
“She’s uh- it’s been better, I guess.” He sniffs and rubs his nose, taking a deep breath in, filling his lungs with as much air as he can and exhaling in a huff, trying to settle and calm himself before going on, “But it’s also been worse. I’m- going to see her later on.”
Levi can feel Erwin’s eyes boring into the side of his head, the concern practically oozing out of him. Erwin is the one person who knows, the one Levi has been most open with, but even with him, Levi still has issues letting him in. Erwin is quiet for a moment before he continues, voice soft but void of any pity. Erwin never pities him, another thing he’s grateful for.
“Is there…” He lingers on his words for just a moment, careful and filled with consideration. “What can I do? Is there anything you need?” He can see Erwin shifting his weight on his feet as he speaks, the slightest twitch of his right foot, something Levi rarely sees him do. “You can stay at mine tonight if you need, you know my Dad loves you and would not mind at all.”
“Yeah… I- thank you. I know. I’ll let you know.”
He looks up to meet Erwin’s gaze, crystal blues staring back at him with the slightest furrow in his brows, lips twitching with concern in the corners.
“Erwin,” Levi nudges his elbow softly against his. “I'm okay. I’ll, uh, I’ll text you if anything changes.”
Erwin’s expression softens into a smile, the creases in his brow dissipating. “Okay. Please do that.”
He looks back toward his front door for a second and then back to Erwin, shifting his weight on his legs back and forth twice. “I will. I’ll text you later?”
“Okay.” He gives him a smile before pulling him into a firm hug, which Levi returns, pulling his arms tight around Erwin’s waist. Erwin holds on a little longer than usual, giving him a light squeeze before letting go. He looks at him, eyes softened by the evening sun. “I’ll see you later, Levi.” He shoots Levi a light smile and starts walking further down and out of his street. Levi watches him walk away before turning on his heels and walking to his front door.
Once he’s inside, he locks the door and unties his school shoes, setting them beside the wall near the door. He makes his way down the hall and to his bedroom, dropping his bag in the corner by his bed. He flops backwards onto his mattress, arms splayed out either side of him as he lets out a long sigh, moving onto his bed more to bring his legs up off the floor. As he lays there, he allows himself to dwell in the quiet for a few minutes with nothing but the muffled ticks of the living room clock and the faint sound of birds singing outside his window permeating his brain. The faint glow of the setting afternoon sun is starting to seep in through his curtains, illuminating his room with tinges of purple and flecks of gold.
He stays there that way, a couple of minutes go by with him simply laying there and staring at the ceiling, his mind completely void of thought. He keeps his breathing steady and rhythmic, almost falling into a light sleep, but he brings himself to full alertness and picks himself up and off his bed and heads to take a shower, hoping that the hot water will freshen up his mind. The water does what it can, relaxing his body and unwinding his muscles, turning his pale skin a tint of pink in the process.
He turns the shower off and steps out, drying himself lightly and wrapping the towel around his waist. He takes a quick look at himself in the mirror, rubbing away the condensation with his hand; his sharp grey eyes look just like his mums. Short black hair lays wet just shy of his cheekbones, his undercut slightly grown out and in need of a fresh shave; something he only lets his mum help him with. He heads out of the bathroom and enters his room, searching through his cupboard for a change of clothes. He settles on a pair of dark grey jeans and his favourite and most comfortable jumper; a soft black fabric with a simple embroidered cat on the front. It’s one that his Mum got for him on his twelfth birthday, one of his favourites, and he’s glad it still fits him three years later.
He takes his bag from the floor and removes all his school belongings, keeping his wallet, water bottle, earphones and keys. He puts on socks and old converse and heads to the garage.
He takes his bike from the corner and wheels it out of the garage, locking the rolling doors behind him and double-checking directions on his phone before setting on his way. He kicks off in the direction he came home from while avoiding the main highways and opting for the quieter streets and back roads where he can. He passes the park he and Erwin used to play in when he first moved here, the cool air blowing on his face and the sun reflecting rich gold tones off of the playground equipment and back up into the sky. There are a few children running over the roped bridges, their excited yells filling the afternoon air. Levi focuses on the route in front of him, feeling the wind blowing his hair back off his face and whirring past his ears as he rides. The warmer days fade into slightly chillier nights and early sunsets as each day comes and passes, and he’s glad he chose longer sleeves right now.
The journey doesn't take long, the after work and school traffic dying down to a slow crawl, and he’s made it there while there’s still a hint of lilac painting the sky. He locks up his bike as close to the front doors as he can, readjusting his clothes and bag before walking inside. The air is still and quiet - sterile - the silence is broken up by the ticking of a clock, the hum of electronics and the clicking of keyboards. It’s equally as eerie as it is comforting, and Levi can’t decide which one he feels more. He shoves his hands into his pockets as he makes his way slowly to the front desk, watching as the receptionist types away at her computer, every now and then shuffling through some papers and returning to typing again.
She looks up from her screen and gives a warm smile upon noticing him. “Hey there, what can I do for you?” Quiet optimism beams from her voice and the smile she pulls onto her lips, something about it is mildly disturbing.
One hand is still in his pockets and the other now drumming a steady beat on the edge of the desk, his eyes focusing on the keyboard before roaming up to meet hers. “Uh, yeah. I’m here to visit someone, my uncle told me they were moved to a different room today? I just wanted to make sure I’m going the right way.”
The corners of her eyes and mouth soften with her words “Of course, honey. Just give me a few details and then I can point you in the right direction.” Shuffling her chair closer to her computer, she taps away for a moment as Levi gives her some details, and she gestures the route to his destination and sends him on his way with a soft smile and a warm goodbye.
Setting off further into the building, he makes a right at the end of the walkway and is met with a flight of stairs leading to the second floor. He takes each step one at a time, one hand trailing lightly over the railing as he climbs the stairs. He’s greeted a few metres away with another desk surrounded by a few sets of waiting room chairs, and a large double door to the left that leads to where he has to go. The room is mostly empty, with a couple of people either sitting and waiting on their phones to pass the time or even a few taking advantage of the empty and quiet space and using it to sneak in some sleep.
He heads through the doors and down the hallway, not giving a second glance to much around him. There are faint beeps of machines echoing through every stretch of space, quiet muffled voices of other occupants, doctors and visitors alike as well. Everything smells sterile. It’s a very specific smell that he’s been assaulted with for so many years now. Clean, but not at all refreshing or comforting. It’s a reminder of everything he’d rather forget, and a reminder of the fact that things - while they have been worse before - haven’t gotten better, either.
He stops just outside the room and the door is slightly ajar, and from where he stands he can hear more faint beeping noises and some muffled shuffling from inside. He adjusts his bag out of habit, playing with the straps between his fingers, and pushes the door open slightly and takes a look around before settling his gaze on the occupied bed and the nurse beside them.
It's a double patron room, though at this point it seems the other bed is unoccupied. The walls are painted stark white, dark navy blue accents along the skirting boards and window sills, and light beige curtains are draped over the windows. A light green privacy screen is pulled open halfway which allows Levi to see in behind it before they see him. There are tubes and all different machines and buttons, all of which are things that Levi doesn't really understand the purpose of or how they work; he only knows that they’re meant to help. The nurse notices him after a few seconds, looking up from where they stand and smiling softly at Levi.
“Hey kid,” their voice is quiet and cautious as they address him, “She’s just waking up, come in.” The nurse motions with their hand toward a large chair near the head of the bed, moving out of the way and making space for Levi as he slowly paces his way further into the room, stopping only a few steps in near the end of the bed.
“She’s just had a dose of some new medications today, so she may be a bit drowsy still.” They're busying themselves cleaning up the equipment they brought in, placing it all back neatly on their cart and wheeling it toward the door.
He clears his throat. “Thank you.” It’s all he says in return as the nurse makes their way to the door. His hands have made their way back inside his jumper pockets, his gaze still curiously rested on the nurse as they look back at Levi with a light smile.
“Of course. Now, if you or her need anything at all, just press that buzzer,” they motion their hand toward a controller at the left side of the bed, “and one of the staff will be with you a.s.a.p.” They open the door and push their cart out halfway before pausing their movements and turning back around, voice still soft as they speak again.
“Oh, and you're more than welcome to stay here as long as you want tonight. There are some spare blankets in the cupboards by the bed, but again, if you need anything more, there are staff at the reception desks who can help.” Levi gives them a nervous but thankful nod as he moves toward the chair to sit down, dropping his bag beside it and directing his gaze away from the nurse and back toward the occupied bed. The nurse leaves and closes the door behind them, and Levi can hear the rolling of wheels and the click of black leather shoes slowly quietly diminishing in the distance.
The chair he sits in is already close by, but he moves his body to the edge to get as close to the bed as he can. As he does he hears the rustling of sheets in front of him, looking up just as a pair of grey eyes slowly open, brows furrowing and eyes squinting to adjust to the overhead lights. Their hair is neatly brushed with shorter hairs laying neatly over their forehead. Familiar eyes turn to look at him along with a warm and tender smile, and a hand finds his own and he takes it instantly.
“Hi, sweetheart” a tender smile still plays on their lips as they speak to him, voice drowsy and hoarse from sleep. Levi swallows down the lump in his throat and hopes it goes unnoticed. There are wires all around her, a heart rate monitor hooked up beside her, as well as oxygen tubes on her nose and an IV catheter taped to her arm. It’s been a few days since he last saw her, and she’s looking a lot more drawn out than she’s ever been, but her smile is always just as warm, and it comforts him a little.
“Hi mum,” his voice is slightly higher than usual “how are you feeling?”
Her other hand moves to card fingers through his fringe, tucking a few strands behind his ear and laying her palm against his cheek. Levi closes his eyes and leans into the touch slightly and breathes out heavy through his nose, using everything he can to calm the heat burning behind his eyes.
“Oh Lee, sweetie, I’m okay” she lets out a small chuckle and a cough right after. A small groan escapes as she sits up, adjusting her position. “These beds definitely aren’t getting any more comfortable though.”
It’s Levi’s turn to laugh now, as small as it may be, his voice small but sarcastic in response. “Yeah, they don’t look very nice”
“No, they're definitely not.” She looks at him for a moment, her gaze warm and loving like any mother. Levi sits beside her and just enjoys the comfort of being in her company again, ignoring every other nagging thought tugging at his brain. They talk about simple things, easy things, mainly about Kuchels stay while steering away from the obvious. He’s been holding himself together relatively okay so far, and he plans on keeping it that way, because if he can’t keep it together for himself then he has to do it for her.
During their conversation, dinner arrives for Kuchel; simple crumbed chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, a small tub of jelly and custard and some orange juice. Levi steals the potato and Kuchel lets him, handing him the jelly as well, which he eats keenly. A little food in his stomach helps him feel calmer, if only slightly.
“How was school today? Anything exciting happen today?” Kuchel looks at him curiously. He takes a pause before answering, thinking a little over his answer.
“The same as usual, not much to tell, really… Hange was Hange, Erwin’s been helping on the school council more lately,” he pauses for a moment, remembering “oh, and Moblit is having a party for his birthday next weekend too. He invited Erwin and I today.” Kuchel perks up a bit at that news, shifting herself up in her bed so she’s sitting more upright more to face Levi properly.
“Well that sounds fun, what is he planning? Who else is going?”
“Hange said he wanted to have a bonfire and a barbeque for dinner at his place.” Kuchel hums in acknowledgement, looking at him with kind eyes and waiting patiently for more information. “Hange is going, Mike, Nanaba, Petra. A few others maybe. I think he wanted to keep it small.”
“Well that sounds like it’ll be great.” she lets out a yawn. “Have you let Kenny know? He should be able to drive you there”
He shakes his head, shuffling in his seat slightly. “No, not yet.”
“You should ask him tomorrow when he’s back, I’m sure he’ll have no issue with it” she eye’s Levi curiously, taking note of his sudden restlessness. “Unless you’re going to go with Erwin?”
Levi shies away slightly from the question, turning his eyes to avoid her eye contact. “Well, he is going, and he did say his dad could come to get me on their way.”
“Well, I think that sounds like a great idea sweetie. I trust Erwin, he’s always been such a sweet and nice kid.”
Levi averts his gaze still, attempting to hide the blush in his cheeks. “Yeah, he is.”
Another yawn, longer this time, escapes her, and Levi knows she won’t stay awake much longer. He tells her he’s going to go get something to drink from the cafe, which takes him only a few minutes, and by the time he returns she has fallen asleep.
Levi pulls the blanket up over her fully and reaches over to the cupboards to pull out one of the spare blankets for himself and wrapping it around his shoulders and his body, pulling his legs up to his chest as he curls in on himself in the chair he’s sat in. He opens the water he bought for himself and takes a few sips before screwing the cap and putting it away in his bag for later. He leans his head back on the plush headrest and starts steadying his breathing; in and out, in and out. He does this until he can feel the tension releasing from his body, his limbs feeling lighter with each breath. His eyelids are heavy from the day, and he’s barely able to keep them open.
He looks over at Kuchel once more, her head turned away from him now but her breathing - from what he can hear - is steady. He wraps the blanket tighter around himself and closes his eyes, the faint sounds of hospital ambience lulling him into unconsciousness, he hopes for easy dreams.
He hopes his Mothers dreams are kinder, too.
Notes:
If you liked it, thank you <3
If you didn't, I don't wanna know <3Also, the school system and weather is based on how it is here in Australia, since that’s what I’m familiar with, but the town is left unnamed so you can use your imagination for that.
Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated Have a good day!
Find me on twitter <3
Chapter 2: a quiet comfort
Notes:
This is a soft chapter, and I very much enjoyed writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it.
This was originally gonna be part of the first chapter, but it felt a little too long so made it two. I think this works a lot better.Also, I mention that Erwin wears thongs. Those are shoes. Those are the Australian version of flip flops. He is not wearing underwear on his feet, I swear.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Levi wakes a couple of hours later, still tired, and for a moment, he’s a little unsure of his surroundings. He lets his eyes adjust to the dim lighting and sits himself up a little straighter to help himself get a hold of his bearings. He sees his Mum sleeping soundly in the bed beside him, and it snaps him back into the reality of where he is.
Her eyes are shut tight and flickering ever so slightly, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, and she looks calm. At peace. He turns to look out the window behind him, only to be met with pitch black, the only exception is the moonlight shining in through the glass. The machines are still making their usual noises, but aside from that, it’s quiet in these rooms. Levi looks around again, properly this time, and takes in the surroundings. It’s a bigger room than those in the past, less cramped, he actually has a chair for himself to sit and sleep on this time. Most other times he’d end up curled up in on himself beside her on the bed, her arms wrapped around him with his head against her shoulder. He’s still small enough to fit on the bed with her, so he would always take advantage of it.
He yawns, stretching his back and arms out, letting the blanket pool behind him on the chair, before pulling himself up and moving his way into the small bathroom in the corner of the hospital room. There’s not much he can do to freshen up except splash his face with water, but it’ll have to do.
He exits the bathroom and pulls his phone from his bag to see a few messages from Hange and Erwin. He opens Hanges messages first to be met with a slew of texts about school and Moblits birthday. He sends back a few short texts in response, lets out a small sigh, and backs out of their messages and opens up the few from Erwin. A small smile sneaks its way on his lips.
[Erwin] 7:02 PM - hey Levi, just checking in to make sure youre there safe, im sure you are though. Tell your mum I said hi if she’s awake when you get this.
[Erwin] 7:11 PM - Also you’re still welcome around later if you need, dad said its fine :)
Levi smiles tiredly to himself, eyes still glued to his screen as he shuffles his way back to the chair and slumps down into it, pulling his legs up against his chest and pulling the blanket back around his shoulders.
[Levi] 10:53 PM - hey erwin. I did get here okay. Fell asleep for a while.
He thinks to himself for a moment before he pulls his phone back out and types out another message
[Levi] 10:54 PM - is it still okay if i come over? I just don’t have a change of clothes
He isn’t expecting Erwin to respond right away, so he sets his phone away and waits, but only a few minutes later he can feel it vibrate again.
[Erwin] 10:57 PM - Hey Levi, of course its fine. I’m sure i have something. We can come to get you now? Dad is still awake downstairs
Levi catches himself with a small smile still playing on the corner of his lips, but no one is here to see it so he doesn’t try to hide it.
[Levi] 10:57 PM - yes that would be good. Thank you. I did take my bike here though
[Erwin] 10:59 PM - thats okay, we can put it on the back of the car. We’re leaving now, ill text you when we’re there so you’re not waiting outside :)
[Levi] 10:59 PM - thank you
[Erwin] 11:00 PM - of course, i’ll see you soon
He can feel his cheeks warming up and his smile even more prominent. He breathes deep and curls up again in his chair, taking out his earphones from his bag to listen to some music to pass the time.
* * * * *
Twenty minutes pass before Erwin messages him again to let him know they’ve arrived, so Levi packs away his things into his bag and throws them over his shoulders, tidies up quickly around his space, folding up the blanket and putting it on the seat of the chair.
He lightly taps on his Mums shoulder, whispering to her a few times to get her to wake up. She mumbles softly and opens her eyes, slowly adjusting to the lighting before looking in his direction.
“Hey honey, what time is it?” her voice is quiet, tired still.
“Eleven. Sorry for waking you. I’m gonna go to Erwin’s, if that's okay. He says hi as well.”
Her head turns to face him fully and she smiles back in answer. “Of course that's fine honey, you'll have to tell him I said hello back. Is he coming to get you?”
“Yeah, uh, his dad is here now actually.”
She nods in response, a small smile gracing her features. “I’m glad. I know you like riding your bike around, but I worry. Especially this late at night.”
He’s fiddling with the stray fibres on the hem of his jumper, head tilted slightly down but meeting her gaze still. “I know, Mum. I’m careful though, promise.”
“I know you are, Lee.” she says, “Well, you better not keep them waiting too long, it’s already pretty late.”
She sits upright and reaches to pull Levi into a hug, her hand coming to rest on the back of his head and the other around his shoulders as she mumbles her next words into the side of his head, “I love you, sweetie, be safe.” She kisses the side of his head as she embraces him tighter, Levi returning it back equally as strong.
“I will mum, I love you too.” He hears her hum before giving one final loving squeeze and forehead kiss before letting him go. She combs his hair back into place, fixing a few stray hairs as she does.
“Alright now, text me when you get there.”
He gives her one nod of recognition before exiting the room. He closes the door quietly, halting his movements and inhaling a deep and shaky breath before setting off again. He makes his way down through the hospital halls the same way he arrived, leaving the whirs and buzzing of machines and the sterile smell behind as he exits the building. The crisp night air is a refreshing change, and he fills his lungs with as much of it as he can.
He spots Mr Smith's car parked a short distance away, so he quickly goes and unlocks his bike and walks it over to them. Erwin is getting out as he approaches and he smiles in greeting before helping Levi mount his bike onto the back of the car.
“How are you feeling?” His voice sounds tired like it's fresh from sleep, letting out a small concealed yawn at the end of his sentence. He’s wearing winter pyjamas; long flannel pants and a slightly oversized shirt, with only thongs on his feet.
Levi lets out a shaky breath from deep in his chest, pulling the sleeves of his jumper down further over his hands and crossing his arms. Sometimes these visits are fine, and other times they do take it out of him. Tonight was the latter.
“Okay, I guess,” he’s shaking his leg and finds his teeth gnawing at his inner lip again, “I’m just kinda tired.”
“Yeah, I’d imagine so. Come on, let’s get going then. It’s kinda cold out here.”
They both turn to either side of the car; Levi sits on the passenger’s side while Erwin seats himself on the driver’s side behind his Father. Mr Smith turns to greet him with a smile just as they both begin to buckle themselves in.
“Hey kid, how are you doing?”
“Hi Neil, I’m okay, thank you. Just a bit tired.” Levi is silent for a beat while Kornelious - Neil for short - smiles in response, turning back around to begin making their way out of the hospital parking lot. He starts the engine and turns the radio on.
“Thank you, for coming to get me so late.”
He waves away Levi's words, almost dismissively but always too kind to ever be malicious. “Please, don’t worry yourself about it, Levi, you know you’re welcome over whenever. We’re always happy to have you.”
He shuffles in his seat and adjusts the strap of his seatbelt, pulling his backpack onto his lap and crossing his arms over it. “I know. Thank you, though.” He leans his head against the edge of the door and turns to face the window.
Levi watches with tired eyes as the hospital slowly fades into the distance, swallowed up by the dark and the late-night fog. The moon is bright, illuminating everything in a light glow with aid from passing streetlights; a mix of muted yellow and white against black. The radio plays, quiet but audible in the background, mixing with the sounds of the engine, the ticking of turn signals and the crunching of tyres against the asphalt. Erwin’s Father sits focussed in the driver's seat, fingers tapping in time to the music, and Levi thinks he can make out the sound of him quietly humming along with the words. He can see Erwin out of the corner of his eye, too, his eyes closed and his side leant against the car door with his arms crossed over his chest.
Levi turns his head to look at him in the light that spills into the car every now and then, and he notes how it highlights his features; the curve and bump of his nose, the edge of his jaw, the slight part of his lips, and the way his already sleep touselled hair falls freely and gently over his forehead. He’s asleep, he realises. His head is bent forward slightly and bobbing gently along with each bump of the road, and he can just make out the steady rise and fall of his chest by the way the silhouette of his crossed arms moves ever so slightly in the darkness. He looks so much softer in this state. Delicate. He’s not even sure when that changed for him, but it’s been long enough that he’s lost count of the days. Erwin’s always been that way to him in some sense; a soft and tender soul, always kind and never cruel, but somehow if it’s possible, in this state and under this light, he is even more so. He turns his gaze away and breathes a few deeps breaths, hugging his bag closer to his chest and closing his eyes. He lets the sounds of the road and dulled radio music lull him into a sense of comfort as the minute’s pass, feeling every bump and turn as they make their way to their destination.
After not too much longer, the car begins to slow. It stops, the engine turning off, the air in the car now still, and Neil’s voice cuts through the silence to let them know they’ve arrived home. He opens his eyes again just as Neil turns to wake his son, Erwin lets out a sleepy groan and stretches his legs as he pulls himself from the car, just as Levi does the same. They get Levi’s bike from the back of the car and make their way to the side of the house to park it for the night. Once they’re inside, Neil locks the door and says goodnight to the both of them before he walks down the hall, leaving Levi and Erwin alone as they both make their way up the stairs and to Erwin’s bedroom.
Levi drops his bag by the door, quickly taking his phone out to message his mum to let her know he arrived, then placing it back in and zipping it up. He sits himself down at the edge of the bed and watches as Erwin turns the lights on and makes a beeline to his cupboard.
“You needed some clothes?” Levi nods. Erwin continues on to scour around for a few moments before pulling out an old pair of shorts and an old shirt and throwing them both on the bed beside Levi.
“They’ll probably still be a bit big, but they're pretty old so they would fit better than anything newer I have,” Erwin says, closing his cupboard door and making his way back toward his door, stopping just under the door frame and turning to look back at Levi, “Have you eaten? Do you want a shower? I can go and get you a spare towel to use.”
“I did this afternoon. Ate, that is. But, uh, I could do with a shower.”
Erwin smiles before he leaves, returning a few moments later with a towel and a spare toothbrush too, which Levi takes along with the clothes and makes his way to the bathroom to clean up. He makes it quick but precise, scrubbing every nook and crevice, brushing his teeth for a few minutes, ensuring everything is as clean as possible. His skin is once again warm and tinged pink and his gums a bit sore, but he doesn't care. He dresses himself, the shirt way too big and hanging to mid thigh, and the shorts he has to roll up a few times to keep them from moving around too much. It smells like Erwin. A little blush rises in his cheeks. He pushes that thought away and leaves the bathroom.
He returns to find him already under the covers with the bedroom lights off, the only light a dim yellow glow from a lamp on Erwin’s side of the bed. He makes his way to the other side, crawling under the covers, facing the ceiling and pulling one of the free pillows firm against his chest. It's weirdly comforting for him to be in a bed that isn’t his, but he supposes it is more the fact of whose bed it is than anything else. It’s silent for a moment before Erwin speaks up first.
“How was she tonight?” Erwin’s words break through the silence, his voice barely above a whisper. Levi turns his head to look at him, only just visible in the dark, before facing back toward the ceiling.
“I think you can take a good guess. She’s- she looks different.” His words go quiet, trailing off at the end.
Levi doesn't really know how else to put it. She still looks like herself, but she’s drawn out. Tired. Her skin doesn’t glow like it used to. She’s still there, he can see it in the way she smiles, but there's something behind her eyes that he can see slowly fading. It scares him, if he’s being honest with himself, especially when all he can do is watch.
He can feel Erwin’s eyes burning into the side of his head, but he refuses to meet them. He can't look at him. The look of sympathy is too much right now. He doesn't really want to think about it, let alone talk about it, but the words spill out regardless, quiet and poisonous on his tongue.
“She was so tired. She could barely keep her eyes open. She’s still eating, which is good, but…” He stops his sentence, not entirely sure what else to add, so he starts anew, “The doctor said she’s on new meds, too. There are so many wires - or tubes - whatever. These machines. I don’t even get what they're supposed to help with…” he can feel his throat closing up on those last words and he prays Erwin can't tell. He swallows hard, breathes deep, and continues. “What did she do to deserve this?”
Both boys are quiet for a few second before Levi clears his throat and speaks again, “I’m just- it’s not fair,” his eyes are burning now, so he squeezes them tight, blinks the heat away. His next words are but a whisper, “I’m scared.”
Only the whirring sound of a ceiling fan fills the air, and the silence is deafening, suffocating almost. Erwin breaks the silence a short moment later, pulling Levi from his thoughts.
“I’m sorry, Levi.”
There is a level of sincerity in his tone that Levi doesn’t hear much. Not to say Erwin isn’t already sincere as it is, he’s one of the kindest and most empathetic people Levi has ever known, but it’s the way the words linger in the air that feels different, and it’s that shift that causes Levi to look at him.
Erwin breaths out; a long sigh, crossing his arms over his chest as he does. “I know I don’t talk about it much... I mean, I was so little, so I just don’t remember anything, but when my Mum passed I wasn’t old enough to know what was going on,” Levi looks at him in the dark, eyes questioning, not daring to speak just yet. Erwin rarely talks about his mum, and Levi is not one to try to force the subject out of him, either, “One day, she just- didn’t come home, and that was as far as it went for me back then. Even at her funeral, I still didn’t-” He stops himself, his words choking in his throat toward the end, and Levi can tell he’s already said too much for himself. Erwin breathes out heavy, silent for a moment, before starting again “Dad held himself together for me then, a lot, actually... I realise that a bit more now honestly.”
Erwin brings his hands to his face and rubs his eyes, letting out a small chuckle and sigh, crossing his arms over his chest again. “Anyway. What I‘m wanting to say is, like my Dad was for me, I’m here for you, Levi, I hope you know that.”
Levi is quiet while he lets those words linger in the air between them, “I do… Thank you.”
Erwin lets out a yawn, speech beginning to slur with each new word, “You don’ have to thank me.”
I do. Levi scoffs, “If you say so.” He hears Erwin hum in response, the beginning of a word that never fully makes it, his breathing already beginning to even out, and not before long Levi realises he’s already fallen asleep.
Levi lays in the silence, reaching over to turn off the lamp and then turning onto his side away from Erwin, exhaustion creeping in and making his eyelids even heavier than they already were. He lays there, eyes closed, as he listens to the steady breathes coming from Erwin behind him.
He relaxes into the plushness of the mattress, taking in the faint but comforting smell of fresh linen that now surrounds him, and he pulls the blanket up to his chin and tucks it in around him. He closes his eyes and works on steadying his breathing and relaxing his body, doing this for a short moment before he feels a shuffling movement beside him. He turns his head to look over his shoulder quickly and can see that Erwin is now facing toward him.
The moonlight seeps through the bedroom window, illuminating Erwin’s face just enough for Levi’s eyes to adjust in the darkness to make out his sleepy features. His eyes are still closed shut, light blonde lashes flickering slightly above his cheeks, his lips slightly parted. There are faint freckles dusted over his cheeks and nose, light enough on his skin that the dark that you could almost miss them.
More movement, some slight rustling, and before Levi can react he feels Erwin shuffle ever so closer to his body and an arm moving over his side, laying limp just above his hip. More than likely an unintentional sleepy movement on Erwin’s end, he thinks to himself, but that doesn't leave him any less flustered or his heart beating any slower. They’ve slept in the same bed many times over, but the physical touch like this is not something that happens. Sure, they share hugs all the time, casual friendly touches, but this feels.. different. Levi stills his movements and slowly turns his head back to face away, moving his body as little as possible in worry that Erwin will wake, which to Levi’s gratefulness, he does not.
He lays still, only adjusting himself slightly to clutch the pillow to his chest more, and Erwin is so close now he can feel his breath on the back of his neck. He closes his eyes and breathes in deep, willing his heart to stop. He closes his eyes and lays that way for what feels like eternities before eventually, sleep finds him.
He doesn’t dream, not tonight, but he would rather that than the alternative.
* * * * *
He wakes in the morning to the sun shining golden and warm throughout Erwin’s room, dust dancing throughout the air and the sound of birds chirping, the faint hum of the early morning traffic outside his window, but with Erwin nowhere in sight. He sits up against the headboard and crosses his legs, stretching out his upper body and rubbing sleep from his eyes before laying his arms crossed in his lap. He looks around in his half-awake state and takes in the room he knows all too well.
He and Erwin have spent a lot of time together here over the years; lazy afternoons spent doing nothing but laying with limbs spread out on the floor in an attempt to combat the summer heat, the weekend nights spent up late watching scary movies or playing video games until Erwin’s Dad would have to come upstairs and tell them to turn it off. His walls are not too bare but not extremely decorated; except for a few photographs and posters hung up. There’s a large shelf that carries a selection of books that Levi has never read, as well as a small collection of personal trinkets and some trophies from past school awards.
Levi lets out a long yawn, stretching his neck and arms, just as the door moves open and he’s greeted with a sleepy-looking Erwin.
“Mornin’,” Erwin stifles a yawn. He looks fresh from sleep, still in pyjamas and sporting lovely morning bed hair. He smiles, looking over Levi for a second, his cheeks a little pink. He yawns again and walks back to the bed, dropping himself back down onto it and throwing his blanket over his body.
“How did you sleep?” Erwin speaks with half-open eyes, stretching his arms into the air with a grunt before they fall folded above his head. He turns his head to peer at Levi through the gap in his arms, the faintest upturn on his lips.
Levi gives him a half sleepy smile. “Good, actually.”
Erwin hums, “That’s good,” He yawns and rolls onto his side to face Levi, propping himself up on his elbow, “so when do you have to go home?”
“Well, Kenny would’ve only just gotten home a little bit ago. I do have homework, but I’m sure that can wait.”
“Okay, good,” he smiles, rolling back onto his back and sitting up in his bed, “you hungry? Dad’s downstairs making pancakes.”
Levi smirks and huffs inaudibly. “Very. Sounds great.”
They both roll out of bed, Erwin leading the way as they head downstairs and to the kitchen. Just as Erwin said, they’re greeted by a smile and the smell of freshly cooked pancakes.
“Hey Dad, smells good.” Erwin says, plopping himself down onto one of the barstools at the kitchen counter, Levi following by close and doing the same in the one next to him, leaning his elbows on the countertop as he observes the scene in front of him.
“Good morning boys, hope you both slept well,” Neil is shuffling around at the stovetop, flipping a couple of pancakes over, wiping his hands down on the cloth thrown over his shoulder. He reaches over to the bench and grabs his glasses - round frames and slightly tinted a pale yellow - and places them back on his nose and scratches at his beard with the handle end of the spatula he’s holding, “Help yourselves, kids, before it goes cold.”
There’s a plate of fresh pancakes on the white granite countertop, a few jars of syrups and jams along with fresh whipped cream and fruits lined up beside them
“Thanks, Dad, I’m starving” Erwin stands up and pulls out some plates and cutlery for Levi and himself, placing Levi’s in front of him.
“Yeah, thank you. It smells good.” Levi smiles softly as he’s handed his plate, reaching forward and taking a few pancakes and layering them all in nothing but maple syrup. Erwin opts for cream and jam, and blueberries on top. He opens the fridge and pulls out juices and pours two glasses, adding straws to both. He moves back to Levi’s spot and places his glass beside his plate.
“Can we take these back upstairs?” He’s leaning forward with palms flat on the bench, rocking his weight back and forth slightly as he waits for a response.
Neil leans back against the counter to face them both, crossing his arms over his chest, eyeing Erwin for a second before his serious expression falls into a smile. He points his spatula at him as he speaks, “If you promise to not spill anything on the carpet this time, then that’s fine.”
“Thanks, Dad.” Erwin smiles and pushes off from the bench, taking his plate and glass and walking out of the kitchen, turning around to Levi, “C’mon, let’s go.”
“Thanks for the food, Neil.”
“Anytime kid, there’ll be enough for seconds if you two want more after.” He turns back around to begin cleaning up the mess, wiping down counter and putting dishes into the sink.
Levi pushes himself out of his seat and follows behind Erwin - who is waiting just behind him - with his own breakfast in hand. They both make their way back upstairs, Levi going back to sitting on the edge of the bed while Erwin sits on the floor just in front of him. Erwin leans forward toward his TV to turn it on, scouring through his selection of DVD’s before putting one in.
“What are we watching?” Levi speaks with a now mouthful of pancakes.
“Your favourite, which you’ve gotten me kinda addicted to.”
Levi chuckles,“Labyrinth huh? A good choice.”
“Yeah, well, you’d know. It’s a good movie. Great soundtrack, too.”
Erwin shies away with a chuckle and moves to press play, and they sit together in the quiet comfort of his room, eating breakfast and watching the images play out on screen.
Levi and Erwin finish their food around the same time. Levi moves to place his plate on the floor along with his glass, changing his position so one of his legs is tucked under the other that hangs free over the edge of the bed, with a pillow clutched to his chest. Erwin sits on the floor, his head rested back against the bed beside Levi’s legs, with the throw blanket he pulled from his bed wrapped over his lower body.
“So, Moblits Birthday is next weekend.” Erwin says, more a question than anything else.
“Oh, I’m aware,” Levi rolls his eyes and chuckles, “Hange never shuts up about it.”
Erwin laughs - hearty and light - breathing out a sigh, resting his head back on the bed and against Levi’s knee.
“Right? I’m honestly surprised them two haven’t started going out yet.”
“I’m sure they will. For someone who gives me so much shit about spending time with you, they sure do spend a lot of time with Moblit.”
Erwin’s laugh is soft at that comment, his head now leaning forward so Levi can no longer see his face. He takes a moment to look him over; his morning hair tousled, the strawberry blonde, almost golden blonde locks, standing up any which way they please as if they have a mind of their own. Now is no different.
“Did you even brush your hair today? It’s a bloody birds nest.” Levi quips, pressing a palm to the top of Erwin’s head to try to restrain the unruly flyaways.
“Hey,” Erwin playfully bats away Levi’s hands and turns to look at him with a chuckle and a smile, “it’s still early. I haven’t even showered yet! Just because your hair looks fine from the moment you get up.”
Levi smiles and rolls his eyes, “Whatever you say.”
He moves his body so he’s sitting down from the bed onto the ground beside Erwin, eyes now back to intently watching the movie playing out on screen. They sit in each others company, Erwin slumping down and leaning up against Levi’s shoulder, both boys mostly silent bar a few conversational pieces here and there. Levi sings along to every song, quoting way too much of the movie from memory, and much to his surprise, Erwin has started to learn the words too.
By the time the movie ends, it’s not long after midday, and Levi decides he should start on heading home.
He heads for a shower, putting back on the same clothes he wore the day before, but the warm water feels good regardless of the day-old clothes. He brushes his teeth and borrows one of the brushes to comb over his hair before exiting the bathroom and back to Erwin’s room. Erwin has already gathered up his bag for him, and they both walk downstairs together to find his Dad to say goodbye.
“You know I can drive you home, right? In fact, I’d much rather do that than let you bike the way home.” Neil says, hands on his hips as they stand in the front doorway.
“It’s fine, honestly, thank you though. It’s really not that far anyway.”
“I know it’s not, but I do know your Mother would prefer it,” almost as if he can see the slight shift in Levi’s mood at the mention of his mother’s worries, he adds, “but, I also understand. Nothing better than enjoying the weather and wind in your face.” He says, adding a smile to the end of his words.
Levi smiles back, giving his thanks for allowing him to spend the night so late, and Neil dismisses it, saying it was never any trouble anyway. He gives him a hug goodbye, and he and Erwin walk outside to take his bike from the side of the house.
“Text me when you’re back home.” Erwin says, a statement rather than a question, as they walk to the front end of the driveway, Erwin leaning against the mailbox as he speaks.
Levi smiles, “I will.”
They give each other a hug goodbye, and Levi pushes off down the street in the direction of his house. It doesn’t take nearly as long to get home from Erwin’s as it would have from the hospital, and when he returns he sees Kenny’s car parked in the driveway.
Once inside, he can hear the living room TV on - sports, or something - and some yelling as well. He walks further down towards the noise and is greeted by his Uncle yelling at the TV. He hears Levi’s arrival and, still seated, turns to greet him.
“Afternoon kid. Kuchel told me you went to Erwin’s last night? Hope he’s doin’ well” His gaze reverts back to the TV, though in Levi’s presence the yelling at tiny people on a screen has stopped for now.
“Hey, Kenny. Yeah, he’s doing good.”
Kenny hums, almost grunts, in approval, “That’s good, I’m glad to hear it,” he pauses, “there’s some food in the kitchen, too, if you’re hungry.”
“Thanks” Levi says, as he sets off to the kitchen and picks up the food from the counter and begins to walk back to his room, but before he disappears down the hallway, Kenny speaks up again.
“Oh, by the way, the hospital called me this mornin’, said that Kuchel should be out and home again by Monday, said she’ll still ‘ave to be on bed rest for a few more days, will have a carer come around for a few hours a day just to help out if needed, but said they’re happy with how she’s lookin’ and that she’ll be back home again.” Levi can hear the care in his Uncles words when he speaks, and he can see the fondness on his face with how his usually rough features smooth out ever so slightly.
Kuchel and Kenny have always been close, he wouldn’t be living here otherwise, but ever since Kuchel was diagnosed some years ago, it’s become even more apparent. In a way, he’s become almost like a Father figure in Levi’s life, at least he’s the closest he’ll have to one. He isn’t as close to his Uncle as he is with his Mum, not by a long shot, but he knows Kenny cares about them both a lot.
Levi can’t help the feeling of hope that blooms in his chest at the news, and he knows he should learn to not get his hopes up, but having his mum back home is all he wants. The smile lingers on his face as he continues to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He pulls his phone out and messages Erwin, letting him know he’s home and telling him the news.
“Thats so great! I’m so glad. I’ll have to come visit when she’s out” is what Erwin replies with, and Levi can’t seem to wipe the smile from his face or the thoughts that fill his mind.
He hopes, as much as he can and as naive as it may be, that maybe it really will all be better again.
Notes:
No end notes, just vibes~
I have no schedule for these chapters, just getting them out whenever I can.
I have some parts written up already for future chapters, just gotta get that crack part of my brain working and write them all out in full.Projecting onto Levi and making his favourite movie Labyrinth as well, dont @ me.
Comments and kudos appreciated <3
ty and ily xxxFind me on twitter <3
Chapter 3: Lua
Notes:
Hi hello, it's been a month but I'm still here.
This chapter is rather chilled out. Some fluffy stuff ahead, I guess, but mostly just vibes.
I hope you enjoy it regardless xIf there are mistakes, pretend you do not see. They'll get fixed eventually.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Levi had taken it upon himself that weekend to prepare for his Mums return home. He spent the rest of that Saturday afternoon after returning from Erwins cleaning her room and bathroom, even cleaning some parts of the rest of the house until Kenny told him off for ‘overdoing it’.
“ Kid, I already cleaned the damn house two days ago, don’t need to go on doin’ it all again” is what he tells him, but Levi doesn’t care, just stares at him blankly for a few seconds before picking up his cleaning supplies and moving to the next area. At one point Kenny ends up helping him anyway, and they have the house cleaned again by nightfall. Kenny orders them take-out from the nearest corner store for dinner - simple burgers and side salads - and they sit and eat together with the sound of the TV in the background.
Kenny takes the Monday off from work to be able to bring Kuchel back home from the hospital, staying with her the rest of the day to ensure she’s adjusted back to being home after two weeks in hospital. He goes through the process of organising a carer to come by each weekday when he isn’t home to assist her, should she need it. For most things she doesn’t, but it’s recommended for people in Kuchel’s situation regardless.
For Levi, just the simple knowledge that his Mum is home again is enough of a relief for him and does enough to ease the worry that has found itself home in the forefront of his mind. The house is a lot emptier without her around; the sound of her laugh missing in the hall, the smell of her perfumes, warm and citrusy in nature. It‘s just bland without her here. When he did return home that afternoon, he barely left her side, avoiding all school work while takes to spending the afternoon and night with her in her room instead, watching television until he finds himself falling asleep there too.
The rest of the week goes by like any other. He attends his classes, works more on his homework and assignments and spends his lunches around Erwin and Hange, mostly, listening to Hange ramble on about whatever their heart desires; most notably some new thing they and Moblit learned in their science classes as well as the weekend and his party. They are almost always the one leading conversations on school lunch breaks, but he doesn’t mind much and it seems Erwin doesn’t either.
Erwin spends more time this week on his extra school-based activities and responsibilities, spending more lunch breaks in classrooms with other students to discuss upcoming school events and assisting with planning and scheduling. It tends to keep him relatively busy, which leaves Levi to spend more time with Hange and Moblit at lunches since Mike also joins Erwin most days.
However, Levi walks to and from school with Erwin each day still, their usual routine never lost despite his other obligations.
* * * * *
This Saturday arrives as fast as the last one went, and Levi is in his room when he hears the sound of an engine outside the house. He stops his work, his current art class homework of art history that he really doesn’t care about much at all, and moves along his bed to look out the window. He pulls his blinds to the side, afternoon gold spilling in around him and bouncing off his wooden floors and poster plastered walls as he makes out who it is.
His walls are an off white in colour and covered in art, photographs and posters. Not messily arranged, however, as Levi has made sure to put thought into the scattering of paper that litters his walls. There are photographs taped to the wall beside his bed, some of him with his Mum and Uncle, some of him with Erwin alone and with the rest of the group, and some others from older school events as well. There are also a few of his Mum and himself when he was younger, one from when Levi was just a toddler on his fifth birthday and Christmas -- he is surrounded by wrapping paper and clutching to the toy he just unwrapped with a stupidly huge grin on his face. The rest of his room is pretty standard, double bed against the windowed wall with a simple forest green bedspread, a desk and set of drawers along the wall opposite where his bed stands. The only sounds are of light traffic in the far distance and the usual chirp of birds, the ceiling fan above and its consistent clack clack clack with each rotation, just audible over the music coming out dimly from his speakers.
He can’t quite make out the figures through the overgrown bush outside his window that blocks his view, but with the time of day it is he can make an educated guess. He can hear Kenny answering the door and letting them inside, which is soon followed by his Mum, and that’s when he hears the sound of Neils muffled voice. Levi shuffles off his bed and quickly packs away his school work on top of his desk, taking his bag from the end of his bag and sleeping bag and leaves his room, turning off the lights, closing the door behind him and heading toward the front of the house.
“It’s good to see you home, Kuchel. And please, if there is ever anything you all need, know I’m always here to help.”
“Neil, you’re always too kind. It’s easy to see where Erwin gets it from,” She shoots them both a warm smile, turning her head over her shoulder to the sound of Levi approaching.
“Hey honey, you all ready for the night?”
He pulls up his bag and throws it over his shoulder, “Yeah mum, I got all I need.”
She lets out a quick sigh, smiling, adjusting the crutch she uses for support under her arm. She’s been doing better this weekend, needing a little less assistance and is able to walk and stand longer on her own with the aid of a crutch, but the fatigue is still bad enough that she needs to sit down frequently to regain her breath.
“Okay, well, you boys have fun tonight,” She squeezes her free arm around Levi’s shoulders and places a kiss on his head, “and since it’s a party and I’m not stupid, don’t go drinking too much, okay?” She turns to face back toward Neil. “Are you sure you’re still okay driving back here tomorrow, Neil?”
“Of course, it’s hardly out of the way, I’ll be driving back to pick up this one here anyway so why waste an extra trip for yourself.”
They exchange a few more pleasantries before Levi follows them out of the door and to their car, not before giving his Mum one more hug goodbye. Erwin sits in the cars passenger side seat, Levi sitting behind him, the spot to his right sits an esky, their tent and sleeping gear and Erwin's bag for the night.
The sun is setting on the day by the time they arrive, rays of gold streaming into the car, the journey taking forty-five minutes give or take, quiet for the most part beside the 90’s radio playing on the car speakers and the hum of the air conditioner. Levi appreciates that rides with Neil aren’t too full of chatter, everyone is content with the silence.
They arrive with the sun still peeking over the horizon, casting its fading light over cotton candy clouds and peach tinted skies, the air is crisp and slightly cooler than usual, and he’s glad he decided on a sweater and not just long sleeves. Levi insists on helping carry the tent and esky, but Erwin takes them from him with a smirk and walks off before he can say more. Levi rolls his eyes and takes their sleeping bags and shuts the door after him. They say goodbye to Erwin’s Dad and watch him drive off until the car has disappeared around the bend before they both make their way toward the house. There is muffled chatter and music from the back of the house, and Levi can smell the earthy burn of wood and food from somewhere beyond the fence. Instead of the front door, they know to make their way straight to the side fence and they let themselves in.
Moblit lives up in the hills, somewhat closer to farm and bushland, and his house is one that faces off toward open fields. Levi can hear the sounds or cows and birds chattering somewhere far off, and can spot a creek just off in the distance surrounded by trees and shrubbery. The air is fresh, fresher than it is in town, and he inhaled deep and savours the smell. He’s been out here before, and the sky at night is something to be admired, with no light pollution, the stars able to light up the sky the way they were made to. The wind carries the sound of birds chirping, a breeze fluttering through his hair, cool against his face in contrast with the warmth of the evening sun on his skin.
The wooden gate creeks open on its hinges, opening up to a fairly wide space. It’s all fenced in with wooden six-foot-tall fences lining the entire stretch of the main yard, peoples tents already lined up and some being assembled to the left-hand side along the edge of the property. There is a fair-sized fire already set up and burning on the right, just out of reach from the main house. Further behind that stands an old shed which has been renovated into a somewhat of outdoor entertainment space, currently home to cloth-covered tables providing various snacks and finger foods.
They close the gate behind them, making their way over to the designated tented area to begin setting theirs up too. Of course, Hange sees them and rushes over, beer in hand, nearly bowling over both Levi and Erwin in a hug.
“Ugh- jeez Hange, watch out, you’re gonna knock us down. Erwins still holding the damn tent.”
Hange doesn’t let go, only squeals and squeezes them tighter, the beer in their hand held just as tight as their grip on the two boys.
“Oh come onnn Levi, it’s fine, Erwins a big strong dude, he’s got it.” They’re still clinging onto them both, their face wedged between both their figures, resting on Erwin’s shoulder as they pull them backwards with them slightly before letting them both go, playfully punching Erwins shoulder as they pull back.
Erwin laughs, whole and hearty, steadying himself and rubbing his arm where the punch landed, “Hey Hange, I see you’re already having a fun enough time for yourself,” he nods his head and raises his eyebrows in the direction of their beer bottle in hand, placing the tent bag on the ground beside him close to where the rest lay.
They shrug their shoulders and raise their hands in an over-exaggerated movement, “Yeah well, someone had to get started early.” They turn on their heels and make a beeline back toward where they were sitting, slinkng down into their chair and skulling down the remainder of their drink, turning their head back around to face them, yelling, “Come pull up a seat, dummies!”
“We will soon,” Erwin yells back, moving to begin unpacking the tent to set it up. As he’s pulling everything out, Levi kneels down beside him and takes out the bag holding the pegs and tent poles. He can see a figure in his peripheral making their way toward them, and he turns his head to see Mike now just behind them both.
“Hey guys. Need a hand?” He doesn’t wait for them to answer before he too takes a spot kneeling down on Erwins other side.
Erwin moves to give his friend a one-armed hug which Mike returns with an added pat on the shoulder. “Hey Mike, yeah, we definitely wouldn’t say no to that.”
Levi pulls out the pegs and poles, separates them and assembles them together while Erwin and Mike take to airing out the main tent and covering tarp. They take a few of the poles each and start threading them into the tent, securing them into the ground before throwing the rainproof tarp over top - just in case. They roll out their sleeping bags inside and place their overnight bags at the end of them inside near the entrance.
“Well, that was a lot easier than last time.” Erwin grunts as he stands from the ground, zipping the tent shut and dusting off the dirt from his pants.
“That’s because you actually let us help you this time, and you weren’t already half tipsy.” Mike stands with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. He’s only just slightly taller than Erwin, something the two boys have been in competition against each other with for a while now to see who would be taller than the other, over the years they both have teetered on the same height before Erwin’s growth slowed, and Mike’s didn’t.
Levi looks up at Mike and chuckles, “Got that right,” he turns his attention back toward Erwin who is standing there looking between them both with an almost unimpressed expression, “You wouldn’t even read the instructions last time, remember? I tried to help, but you insisted very strongly that you had it under control ” he says sarcastically. Last time, if his memory serves fully correct, it was Mikes birthday, Levi didn’t drink that night, but when he had arrived on his own that afternoon, Erwin had already been a few drinks deep and was absolutely adamant that he didn’t need any help. Took him twice as long to set up everything, but both Levi and Mike let him suffer from his own choices.
“Yeah, well, I was smarter this time around,” he huffs, pouting in an attempt ot suppress the twitch on the corner of his lips, “Anyway, let’s get over there with everyone”
Mike makes his way ahead of the two toward the rest of the group. Hange now sits on the edge of a log bench, beer in hand and the other resting on the backrest of the seat.
They make their way toward the fire where Hange now sits on a long log bench, Mike walking ahead of Levi and Erwin to sit where Nanaba and Petra are seated on the other side of the fire. Mike takes his place beside Nanaba, who as of a couple of weeks ago finally became official with each other. He scoots up beside her on the large bench they and Petra share and she rests her head on his shoulders as he wraps his arms around her, nuzzling his nose into the crown of her head. Levi can see Petra roll her eyes and fake dry reach at the public display of affection before chuckling and downing another sip of her drink.
“You two are nasty,” she exclaims, jokingly, stretching out her limbs in each direction then resting her free arm on the back of the chair, “you’ve got a tent, bloody use it.”
“We will,” Mike smirks into Nanabas hair, not even addressing Petra at this point. Nanaba shoulders his side, giggling, alcohol also seemingly affecting her too.
A glare shot in their direction and a roll of her eyes, Petra’s words come out as a sigh, disinterested and bored, “As I said, nasty.”
They close the remaining distance toward the group, Erwin resting the esky down on the ground and taking his spot beside Hange, Levi taking the space beside him.
“He is nasty, isn’t he, Petra?” Erwin says.
“God, extremely!” She exclaims, over-exaggerating her words, feigning annoyance, “Nice to have some more regular company so I don’t go completely insane”
Erwin laughs, “I can only imagine.”
He reaches over and takes a bottle from the esky and passes one to Levi as well, which he accepts. He pops the lid off the alcohol and takes a sip, the glass bottle chilled to the touch, condensation and melted ice water dripping down his fingers. He wipes the bottle down on his shirt and wipes his hands down too. He sits and listens to the banter between everyone for a while, taking steady sips of his drink, finishing the first and starting on a second.
He listens to Hange as they go on about absolutely everything and nothing all at once, everyone else choking in with their own comments or separate stories throughout the night. Levi doesn’t speak up too much, only here and there to add a sarcastic remark or laugh when someone says something funny. He’s content to just sit and observe, listening to the hum of the music over the crackle of the fire that has flames dancing shadows and spilling shades of vermillion and ocean blue over everyones skin.
He finishes off his drink, a little too quickly, and starts his third before standing to excuse himself, scooting his way past Erwin and rustling his fingers through his hair which Erwin returns with a playful swat of his hands. He doesn’t drink much as it is, so the few he’s already downed are definitely working their magic so far. He’s not drunk by any means, yet. He’s still very much alert, but he can feel his face tingling and his expressions settling. It's definitely having its effect on him.
He makes his way up the hill until the music behind him is but a distant hum, the thrum of the bass from the speaks the lone sound left to be heard. He enters the house where he finds Moblit inside in the kitchen with his parents who are preparing dinner food for everyone. He greets them all, and they’re as kind as always and he wishes moblit a happy birthday before excusing himself one more and making his way to the bathroom.
The house itself is lovely and modern, something that tells Levi that Moblits parents make more than enough to live comfortably. The main living area floor is covered in large white tiles, dining and lounge area an open planned space with large black framed windows stretching from floor to ceiling. The house itself is decorated fairly modestly, with rich earthy tones, a mix of greens cool wood tones to contrast the fresh white of both the rest, with plants in almost every corner of the house. The patio itself overlooks the back of the property, and from the inside, you can see the fire in the distance and the sun setting behind the mountains on the horizon. He walks past the kitchen and makes his way up the stairs and down the dimly lit hallway, passing by two doors on his right, and another two on his left and one door halfway open leading into what looks to be an office. He keeps up his pace to the end of the hall to the bathroom, turning the lights on and closing the door. He relieves himself, washes his hands, leaning his weight on his arms against the edge of the sink.
He’s feeling good. Maybe it’s just the buzz from the alcohol, but he feels happy. A different happy than he’s felt before. What even is happy? He doesn’t really know, doesn’t want to think about it too much, but whatever it is, he knows he likes it. He can even see it on his face. The soft flush of pink on his cheeks - be it from the alcohol or something else - the small smile that fights its way onto his lips, and the way he can feel his expressions softening as he surrenders himself to the feeling.
Again, it’s probably just the alcohol, but he’ll take this either way.
He chuckles to himself and pushes away from the sink, leaving the bathroom to make his way back down the stairs and exit the house. Moblit has returned to sit with the others, sitting in a collapsible chair beside Hange and now drinking a beer of his own.
He gets closer again and can see Erwin shaking his head and laughing at something, another drink in his hands that is almost empty, and he can see Mike with folded his arms, shaking his head in response.
“What’s so funny?” he says, approaching them from behind and swatting both Hange and Erwin underside their heads as he takes his spot again, sliding down into his seat and crossing his legs one over the other in one fluid motion, reaching across to pull out another drink for himself.
“Oi, hey! Watch it, short stack!” they say while rubbing the spot on their head where Levi’s hand struck, their other hand holding onto a shoe, “I’ll get you back later.”
A puzzled expression falls on Levi’s face, “What’s with the-”
“Hange did a shoey from Moblit’s shoe,” Petra says before Levi can finish, smiling into her drink as she takes another swig.
“Hange, that is disgusting,” he tries his best to remain stone-faced, to show the disgust he feels at the mere thought of drinking alcohol from a worn shoe, but he can’t help the slight laugh that creeps its way through the words as they leave his mouth.
They look up at him with a smirk plastered on their face, leaning back into their seat and throwing their arms up in the air, “Eh, tasted just fine.”
“And Moblit just let them?” Levi questions.
All Moblit does is shrug, seemingly unbothered and too tipsy. Either that, or he’s just used to it by now. Levi thinks it’s the latter. “They ripped my shoe from my foot.”
“You missed a good show, honestly,” Erwin says, smile still gracing his features as he leans back into the chair and skulls the rest of his drink before grabbing for another and swigging from that one too.
“Calm down with that Erwin, or before you know it you’ll be doing a shoey too,” Mike says back, causing Erwin to reach out with his foot and kick his friend’s shin, Mike returning the sentiment and also throwing a bottle cap his way which makes both boys break out in laughter.
* * * * *
Moblits parents call out a while later to let them all know that food is ready to be served. Everyone rushes from their seats to grab a plate and return to their places in front of the fire. They eat to the sounds of music playing from a bluetooth speaker, one of Moblits specially curated playlists on shuffle. The occasional words are spoken between mouthfuls, but they mostly sit in the calm of the new night and the warmth of the fire.
They finish up and turn the music up louder, some upbeat pop song begins playing that pulls Nanaba up from her seat, her hand reaching out and taking Petra with her. The two girls dance together, noticeably drunker at this point but clearly enjoying themselves. Their feather-light chuckles fill the air, both girls stumbling over each other’s feet either from intoxication or their lack of dance skills. Hange is leaning over their chair and showing Moblit something on their phone which elicits a giggle from the both of them. Levi sits, mostly quiet and simply observing the happenings around him, Erwin and Mike still continuing to drink and talk amongst themselves.
The afternoon has long faded into night and Moblit’s parents are now inside, leaving the kids out under the stars, surrounded by the ambient sounds of crickets and the occasional coo of an Owl, the fire still burning as their main light source.
“Okay!” Hange all but yells, sitting up straight in their seat and reaching for an empty bottle on the ground in front of them, “Let’s play a game,” they’re swinging the bottle around by its neck, thankfully long empty of any liquids or else Levi is sure both he and Erwin would be getting a good spray right about now, “of spin the bottle. No questions, whoever it lands on, you gotta smooch.”
“Sounds like a kids game,” Levi says, words smooth from his lips but not yet slurred, arms crossed over his chest with a half-empty drink in one hand. He’s had a lot more than he would like to admit tonight. Not enough to be considered plastered, but enough that he’s sufficiently happy and drunk. Though, he can’t say the same for everyone else, especially Erwin and Mike. He’s watched them down multiple bottles and cans, shotgunning a few like the drunken idiots they are. Levi could only watch and laugh, knowing they’ll both feel it in the morning. He and Moblit have been forcibly making the others drink water throughout the night, not wanting to deal with a mess on the lawn or in their tents by the morning.
“Kids game or not, you’re all playing whether you like it or not, so you better like it anyway,” they slink down off their chair and sit cross-legged on the grass below, nudging at Erwin’s leg with the back of their arm, “oi big guy- you too, short stack- get up and push this chair back”
“Okay, okay,” Erwin says, standing and raising his arms up in faux surrender.
“Someone’s pushy when they’re drunk,” Levi grunts out his response, feigning annoyance but still standing to help Erwin move the chair out of the way.
“Hell yeah, I’m down for a game!” Petra bounces up from her seat, wobbly like a baby deer on new legs and makes her way over to take a spot near Hange.
“Yeah, this will be interesting” Nanaba chimes in, lightly elbowing Mike and shooting a glance over toward everyone else. Mike simply shakes his head and laughs.
Everyone gathers cross-legged in a circle beside the fire huddled knee to knee, with the bottle between them all on a dirt patch on the ground. Each person takes their turn to spin the bottle starting from Hange and moving around the circle. Luckily, Levi feels at least, neither of his or Erwin’s turns landed on each other. He’s too drunk right now to be able to pretend to be uninterested in the idea of kissing him.
As they round the circle, each kiss is met with whoops and whistles, all partly drowned out by laughter and the clink of glass bottles and cans as they continue to drink between each turn.
Levi rolls his eyes and grabs the bottle from the ground after the second go around, “Okay, this is so stupid, we’re done now,” he says with humour in his voice as he throws the bottle over to the side, wiping his hands free of the dust that gets on his fingers.
“Partyyyy poooper” Hange says, flopping their entire weight backwards until they are sprawled out on the grass.
Mike speaks but Levi isn’t paying attention enough to make out the sounds, Mike’s words too slurred and strained to make sense anyway, but from the way he and Nanaba pull themselves up and make their way to their own tent they're sharing with Petra, and the groan that escapes Hanges throat, he assumes they also agree that game time is done for the night.
“Seems I’m not the only one who’s ready for it to be over,” Levi pushes himself up off the ground and has to take a second to catch his balance, steadying himself on the chair behind him and wiping his hands down on his clothes. Moblits parents are asleep, but they leave the back door unlocked in case anyone needs to enter the house, so he heads back up to use the bathroom once more, and when he returns a few minutes later he is welcomed by a passed out Hange being carried over by Moblit to the tent they share together with Petra assisting by holding their other arm around Hange’s side. He walks past them, giving Petra a look of slight concern, but when Petra responds by mimicking an over-exaggerated snoring sound and slack mouthed expression on their face, he can’t help but chuckle.
He sits back down on the chair in front of the fire, and not too long later Erwin returns with another drink in hand and slumps down next to him, cracking the top off and letting the rising froth fall into his mouth and spill down his chin which he wipes away with the back of his hand. Levi tells him he’s going to feel that in the morning with the amount he’s watched him drink down, but Erwin just smiles, shrugs, and continues drinking.
Everyone else seems to have called it a night, but the fire is still warm and Levi wants to spend some time in the quiet of the night admiring the starry sky. It’s always so much clearer here than it is at his house, the lack of light pollution makes it so much easier to see the stars. It’s also a cloudless night, and he wants to take advantage of it.
He can feel Erwin looking at him, but ignores his gaze and keeps his focus on the sky.
“What are you lookin’ at, too drunk to see me clearly that you’ve gotta stare that long?” Levi says, peaking a quick side glance and looking right back up at the sky, folding his arms over his chest and crossing a leg over the other.
“Looking at you, looking at the stars,” Erwin speaks softly, words smooth like melted butter, drunken and slightly slurring together. He sits himself up straighter in their chair, hands in his lap holding his drink in both hands, and turns his gaze upward toward the sky also, “You’ve always liked the stars. Why? I mean, it’s pretty, but I don’t think.. I’ve ever asked?”
Levi takes a second to think back, humming to himself in pleasant remembrance.
“Mum was obsessed with space and stars when I was little. I mean, she still is, but she doesn’t talk about it as much as she used to.” Levi shuffles a little in his seat and risks taking a quick look at Erwin, who is still looking intently in his direction. He averts his gaze toward the fire, letting the flickers of flames take his attention.
“I remember, one of the towns we used to live in before she got-“ he pauses for a second, swallowing his words and inhaling deeply, “-yeah, she used to take me to this local observatory, and she would show me everything. She could name pretty much every constellation in the sky.” He remembers it so clearly. He was young, yes, but it’s one of those memories that just sticks with you no matter how far back in time it is. He can still hear the bright and joyful tone in his Mother’s voice, so lively and excited to share her passion with her son, who at the time is also just as interested thanks to her own love for it, “I don’t even think she ever studied it outside of her free time, she just loves it.”
“She’d take me stargazing too, most of the time just in our own backyard, but it was nice,” he clears his throat, “I don’t know... it reminds me of back then, I guess.”
“Stargazing, huh?” Erwin’s voice is soft, full of intrigue as he looks up toward the stars above, “that sounds fun.”
“Yeah, it is,” Levi says fondly. Erwin has moved to turn his entire body sideways, now laying lengthways on the bench with his head coming to rest heavily on top of Levi’s denim-covered thigh.
Levi’s body stiffens at the surprise contact but calms almost instantly, and he flicks his fingers at Erwin’s forehead playfully. Erwin simply laughs and rubs the inflicted spot, returning his arms to lay lazily over his stomach and holding the bottle carefully in his hands.
“So, what stars can you see from here?” he asks, genuine intrigue radiating from the words.
“You’re telling me that Mr Smarty Pants here can’t name the constellations?” Levi teases.
“Hey, this smarty pants has never been good at, uh, space... stuff,” He waves his hands around in the air, words warm on Levi’s ears, “but tell me, I wanna know.”
So Levi does tell him, he points out the various constellations and planets currently visible in the sky with an enthusiasm he hasn’t felt in so long. Erwin doesn’t say much, asking questions here and there and asking for help when he can’t quite find the patterns Levi has explained to him, but for the most part, he hums and listens. Levi speaks more about his Mum, retelling more stories about their past stargazing activities and almost forgetting he’s still here with Erwin as he falls back further into comforting memories.
It’s comfortable, Levi thinks to himself. Laying here under the stars, Erwin by his side and the lingering warmth from a fire in front of them.
Erwin hasn’t made a sound for a moment, and Levi sets his gaze downward to see that Erwin is gazing up at him from where he lays on his lap. Erwin speaks before Levi can, the words bringing a blush to his alcohol flushed cheeks.
“You’re great,” is all Erwin says, words almost too quiet to make out but Levi hears them still.
A small smile settles on his face, “And I think you’re still drunk,” is what he manages to respond back with, his slight wit not leaving him in his now still tipsy state, the alcohol slowly wearing off and leaving nothing but a slight fuzzy fog that smothers his mind.
A bubbling chuckle escapes him, his one free hand moving to pat at the side of Levi’s face, “Well I- I mean yeah maybe, but still, you are great, drunk or not.”
“Yeah okay,” he swats Erwins hand away from his face and crosses his arms back over his chest.
“I mean it, Levi. You are. You… have- are, dealing with a lot and yet you’re still so, good.” his words fade out at the end, and he sighs. “I’m glad you’re my best friend.”
He knows that Erwins not averse to extra kindness when he’s slightly intoxicated, but even so, the words still make his stomach feel almost as fuzzy as his mind.
“And, I’m glad you’re mine too.”
Silence falls over them, but it’s not the least bit uncomfortable. They sit like that for some time, comfortable still in each other’s presence before Erwin decides to move to stand up. He’s had too much to drink that he all but falls back onto Levi, only stopping himself from face-planting with the hand that catches a grip on Levi's thigh. Levi grabs him by the arms, painfully aware of where Erwin’s hand lays. He sucks down a breath, avoiding eye contact and forcing Erwin to stand himself up.
“Watch out, or you’ll have us both falling into the fire.”
Erwin mutters something to himself that Levi cannot hear, and shuffles to compose himself rather quickly, pulling himself upright fully and smoothing down his clothes as he finds his balance. Levi takes a look around them both, the fire growing duller as the hour grows older, a small ember left in place of the earlier flames that scattered patterns of. The moon itself is bright, close to full but not quite as it illuminates everything around them with its shimmery glow. He barely feels Erwin’s touch on his shoulder, but it’s enough to pull him back to the present.
“Huh?” he comes to realise he fully zoned out, completely missing Erwins question.
“I said I’m gonna head to sleep now, I think the drinks are wearing off,” he’s scratching his fingers through his hair, rubbing his eyes and letting out a long yawn.
“Oh, yeah. Alright.” Levi stands as well, joining Erwin on the walk back to their tent. “I’m not gonna stay alone out here, I guess I’ll sleep now too. Good luck to you, though, the worlds gonna be spinning when your head hits that pillow”
“Yeah.., god, please dont remind me, I can already feel my eyes giving out.”
They walk back together, both having trouble balancing and constantly bumping shoulders and arms on the way back. The alcohol is wearing off more for himself than he thinks it has for Erwin if the way he’s constantly stumbling over his own feet is any sign to go by. They get back without Erwin falling on his face, and they each take turns to change into sleep clothes before they both settle themselves down into their individual sleeping bags.
“I’m really happy your Mum is home,” Erwin is whispering, and Levi can hear the sleep creeping up into his words and he would be lying if he wasn’t feeling the same way, “It makes you happier when she is.” Levi turns his head to look at him, but it’s dark and he’s facing up so he can’t make out his face either way, “I like you happy like this.”
“Yeah, well, you know.” his words draw out, and he wants to say more, say how he’s glad too - more than glad, actually - whenever his mum gets to be home. The void left in his house when she’s not there is so heavy, it’s almost suffocating. Seeing her the way she is on her bad days, there aren’t even words he can use to describe just how helpless he feels.
His eyelids are weighing heavy on his eyes, and he’d be surprised if he’s not about to fall asleep in an instant.
“I’m just glad she’s back,” he can hear Erwin’s words, they’re quieter than before and he can only assume he’s close to sleep as well.
“Yeah-” the word comes out scratchy, clawing at his tongue, so he clears his throat, closes his eyes and relaxes into his bedding and tries again. “Yeah. I am too.”
Notes:
A shoey is literally just pouring alcohol, usually a beer, into someone's shoe (usually one someone has already been wearing) and then drinking said alcohol directly from said shoe. Sometimes people do this with thongs (flip flops), and pour the drink down into their mouth. A little alcoholic slip n slide, if you will...
Yeah, idk man. Aussies, amirightAnyway, kudos and comments appreciated <3
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Chapter 4: suburbia
Notes:
It's been a while, but here is another chapter.
I'm hoping that I can have the next one out a lot sooner, but I'm not promising anything. The only thing I can say is I'm seeing this story through to the end, regardless of how long it does or doesn't take me.Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter regardless.
Thank you for waiting
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
He says his goodbyes to Erwin and Neil as he exits the car, and as soon as he makes it inside the front door he hears the engine fade into the distance. It’s sometime just past one o’clock in the afternoon when he returns, the tv in the living room playing some random sitcom he doesn’t pay much mind to. He takes himself toward his bedroom and passes the kitchen on the way where he can see his mum in the kitchen. She’s humming along to a tune playing from the speakers as she measures out ingredients and empties them into a mixing bowl.
“Hey Lee” she sings, seemingly doing a lot better than she was yesterday. A good day, Levi thinks, and it brings a flurry to his chest at the thought. He pops his head through the archway to the kitchen quickly to say hello before darting to his room to place his bag down. He returns to the kitchen and takes a seat at the stool at the far edge, the metal chair creaking as he settles himself in against the ledge.
“How was your night? Hope you guys all had an appropriate amount of fun,” her tone is cheeky, and seeing his mum acting even the slightest bit like her ‘old self again brings a smile to his face. It’s been a while since he’s seen her this close to normal. Granted, even Levi can acknowledge that her ‘normal’ is still far off, but it’s close enough for him right now. He reaches his body across the kitchen bench to take a mandarin from the fruit bowl in the centre, rolling it around in his hands and picking at the sticker on it.
“Yeah, it was fun. Hange was the only one to throw up,” he can sense the slightly concerned look on his Mothers face, so he adds, “they’re okay though, promise. A bit of food and water in the morning and they were fine.”
“Oh, dear. I’m not sure the headache would be worth that, but I’m glad you lot had fun.”
With the statement seeing to comfort her a little, she continues to move her way around the kitchen. She moves slow, fatigue still evident in her movements, but her soft smile and some of her delicate tendencies find their way back to her. She hums as she bakes, Levi watches as she does, picking at the peel of the fruit in his hands while creating a pile on the kitchen bench in front of him, eating the fruit before throwing the remains in the bin.
He sits back down and watches as she pours the mixture into two long rectangular trays - perfect for the homemade banana bread she’s made - sliding them into the oven, setting the oven timer for half an hour.
Levi steals the mixing bowl and uses the spatula to scrape every last bit out and into his mouth, practically licking it clean. After, he helps his Mum clean the kitchen before heading to the bathroom to take a shower and freshen himself up.
He’s still tired from the night before and he can feel a headache slowly making its way around his skull. He didn’t even drink that much, really, but he never gets a well-rested sleep when he’s anywhere but his own bed.
He turns the tap on cold, hoping the chill will help wake him up and also ward off the pains in his temples. Once out, he dries his hair roughly and wraps himself in a towel and pops a few painkillers that he finds in the cabinet above the sink.
Wrapping himself up in a towel, he walks across the hall to his bedroom and throws himself down onto his bed, still unclothed with nothing but his towel. The sun flutters in through his window, casting broken shadows as they split through his blinds and splay over his walls. He sits and stares, the flicker and sway of light and dark pulling his attention in, and it takes his mind back to last night, back to Erwin.
Did he embarrass himself in front of him? He doesn’t think he did. It’s not like he acts that different around him when he’s had things to drink, anyway, and he doesn’t drink that much anyway. His mind takes him of the morning after - this morning - where he woke up with his face pressed up against his back. He remembers feeling his warmth through his shirt against his face, something that he wishes didn’t bring him such a simple joy. His cheeks warm at the thought.
“Levi, sweetie, can you come here for a moment,” Kuchel shouts out to him from beyond his bedroom door and it pulls him back into the present.
He responds with a “ just a second ”, quickly pulling on some home clothes before he makes his way into the living room where she sits with a book in her hands with the TV down low. He takes his own spot on the corner of their couch opposite her, taking one of the small cushions into his lap.
“We’re going out for dinner tonight. Kenny’s idea. Says it’ll be nice to go out for a meal again since it’s been a while. We’ll leave at around six o’clock?” She leaves it off as a question, Levi nods in agreement.
“Okay, yeah,” he agrees as enthusiastically as he can, still tired from last night’s antics. “I need to take a nap though”
“Alright honey. Just make sure you’re ready by ten to six.”
He leaves back to his room, well in need of a nap, setting a few alarms on his phone to ensure he doesn’t sleep for too long before he slinks down onto his bed, a throw rug over his body instead of being fully under covers, and he drifts off in a matter of minutes.
He wakes a half-hour later to the smell of banana bread wafting through the house. His brain still feels slightly foggy and he just wants to continue sleeping, but he forces himself to sit up and stretch out his body and walk his way to the kitchen, using the prospect of fresh baked goods to pull himself up from his mattress, and he spends the rest of the afternoon on the couch with his Mother and Uncle, lightly snacking on a few slices of the homemade bread before they eventually prepare to leave.
They arrive at the restaurant not long after 6:30 PM and take their seats in the outside dining area. At Kennys suggestion, Kuchel brings along her crutch just in case the fatigue takes over and makes walking more difficult, so she does, which she rests up against the edge of their table.
The restaurant is nice, located along the marina close to the beaches edge. Salty air and crisp breezes whip Levi’s hair around his face, just short enough to not get in his eyes. There is a live band performing along the sidewalk keeping up the calm atmosphere with smooth melodies and swaying beats, bulb lights strung up along the entire length of the beachfront dining complimenting the burnt orange of the sun low against the horizon and the deep blue of the sea. It’s nothing too fancy, just your basic beachside Italian restaurant, basic but comforting and warm decor with friendly service people and a great view.
The waitress comes to their table a few moments later and asks if they are ready to order, Kenny asks for a pasta dish for himself, while Levi and his Mother buy a large margarita pizza to share between them. They both aren’t big eaters, his Mother more so now than in the past, so sharing works, as well as saving money in the process. They order drinks as well, beer for Kenny, creaming soda for Levi and a jug of water for the table and his Mum.
They eat along with the chorus of seagulls chirping and live music surrounding them. Levi takes the first bite of his final slice and washes it down with a drink.
Kenny is still slurping up his pasta when he speaks to Levi, wiping his mouth down with a napkin as he does so, “How was the party last night, Levi? That boyfriend of yours didn’t give ya any trouble I hope.” He sits back with arms crossed over his chest, gaze directed at him.
Levi almost chokes on his next bite. His cheeks burn at the assumption - he hopes it’s not visible - and he stares at his uncle with such distaste only to be met with a similar serious glare, but the slightest upturn on the corner of his lips. Kuchel quickly slaps her brothers arm with the back of her hand, scolding him at the same time, although a small smile has worked its way onto her face, though she seemingly tries her best to conceal it as she turns to face Levi.
“Ignore him, he’s just being protective.”
“Of course I am, I’d be a fool not to. I know how these young boys act.”
“What, because you were one of them?” Levi finally speaks, still staring at his uncle but trying his best to keep his face straight, “and he’s not my boyfriend, just a friend.” His words trail off at the end as he turns his gaze downward and continues to eat his food, hoping that the fact his mouth is full will keep him from having to interact further in this conversation.
“You two, stop it. Kenny, stop teasing him, he’ll tell us if it were the case.”
Kenny barks out a short laugh and shakes his head, not opting to answer and instead continues to eat his meal. Levi ignores him and continues eating. He finishes up and leans back into his seat and stares out over the bank, watching the waves lap at the rocks along the shore, taking steady sips from a glass of water.
He’s not the biggest dan of beaches, mostly of the bright and hot sun and the depths of the water, but he still enjoys being able to view it from a distance especially during the afternoon and nighttime. He loves the fresh air and the tinge of salt he tastes as he breathes it all in.
He listens in on the chatter of other diners around them and the clatter of dining ware, as well as eyeing those making their way back and forth on the path around them, enjoying their Sunday night dining, just as he is with his family. His mum and Uncle are speaking between each other, talking about the food and atmosphere, he can hear Kenny talking shit on some of his “pain in the ass” workmates. Levi doesn’t add much, just listening in and talking a little about his school days when his Mother and Kenny inquire further.
Kenny sits up, averting his gaze away from both him and his Mum and looks just over their heads. As if not letting the earlier comments go, he smirks at Levi and leans back to chug down more of his drink.
“Well, speakin’ of the devil.”
Kuchel turns first and Levi follows their line of sight, spotting the target of their gaze. It’s Erwin and Mike, walking their way in their direction but still some distance away, still seeming to have not yet noticed their presence. Levi can see them stop at a corner and Mike taking his phone from his pocket and seeming to check something on the screen, before giving Erwin a hug and turning and walking toward the parking lot, leaving Erwin waving goodbye and standing against a nearby wall.
He lifts his gaze, searching around the area and lands his eyes on Levi, smiling at everyone else at his table as well before pushing himself up off the wall and making his way over toward them. Kuchel stands up, and with her being the same height as Levi, Erwin towers over her. She embraces him in a hug and offers him a seat next to her at the end of their small table, which he accepts.
“Hey,” his voice is warm as he speaks over the noise around them, he shuffles his seat closer to the table and rests his hands crossed on the table, “thanks for letting me sit.”
“Oh, of course,” she gently rests her hand on his arm for a moment, a reassuring gesture, moving it back into her lap, “Are you waiting for your Dad?”
“Yeah, yeah, he shouldn’t be too far away.”
“Well feel free to sit with us until he arrives, we don’t mind at all”
“Thank you. I was going to go get some dessert while I waited, did you wanna come with me?” he directs his words towards Levi and he smiles and nods, standing up and dusting off his pants and adjusting his hair, tucking stray strands behind his ear.
“We’ll be back in a bit, did you want something too?”
“No, no worries honey,” she responds with words while Kenny just shakes his head, “Kenny and I will be here when you get back.”
They set off up the path, making around the corner and setting upon the dessert bar kiosk, falling in stride beside each other as per usual.
“What were you and mike out for?” he asks, genuine curiosity in his words.
“Well you know we had that swim competition we all won a few days back? Just a small celebration dinner for it, I guess. Mike said to say hello as well.”
“Oh, well that’s nice. Hello back to him. I hope the food was good.”
“Honestly yeah, it was pretty great. We’ll have to go there one day, I think you’d love the pasta.”
Levi smiles in response, “Yeah,”a warm feeling fills up his chest, “that would be nice, I’m always down for a nice pasta dish.”
“I know you are.”
They reach the dessert bar and Erwin orders himself a boysenberry gelato, Levi choosing Belgian chocolate for himself. He goes to pay for his own but Erwin pushes his card in front of his, swiping it over the machine before Levi gets a chance.
“Hey, what the hell”
“My treat” he smiles, taking a small scoop of the frozen treat into his mouth as he takes the receipt from the cashier and walks away from the bar, Levi rolling his eyes but following close behind.
Erwin’s phone chimes, he pulls it from his pocket and stares at the screen for a few seconds, “My dad is here now,” he says with a spoon still in his mouth as he speaks, the words coming out mumbled, as he focuses on typing out a quick response and pocketing his phone after. He looks at Levi before walking forward, turning his head to see if Levi is following after.
They walk their way toward their table, Erwin saying goodbye to Kuchel and Kenny as well, before Levi walks back with him toward the parking lot to his Dads car.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” Erwin sends him off with a quick hug, both him and his dad waving goodbye as they dive off.
Levi walks his way back to his Mum and Kenny and sits back down. They’re chatting between themselves when he comes back, both having finished their drinks and meals.
“Erwin make it to his car alright?” Kuchel questions, standing and straightening out her dress, tucking her crutch under her arm.
“Yeah he did, are we going home now, too?”
“Yeah honey, just have to go and pay then we’ll be on our way.”
Kuchel walks her way to the bar to pay for their meals, Kenny already making his way toward the car while Levi follows beside his Mum. She pays, walks them back out and to the car where Kenny is waiting for them.
Levi sits in the back left side behind his mum, looking out the window as they drive off, watching each passing street light as they make their way further back into their side of town.
“Not your boyfriend, huh?” Kenny pipes up, sarcasm fueling his words. Levi thinks that he can almost hear his mum roll her eyes.
“Kenny, give it up.”
“I’m just speaking on what I see, whatever you two are doin’, you’re skirting around it worse than I’ve ever seen.”
“Whatever.” He grumbles, and his uncle just chuckles, Kuchel playfully slapping him on the arm once again.
“Hey! C’mon now,” he swats his sisters arm away flicking his arm out and straightening his posture, “Look. All I’m sayin’ is, I know. I was young once too.”
Levi’s cheeks straight up burn at this point. He’s happy the darkness cast in the back of the car is hiding the more than probable reddening of his skin.
* * * * *
The days go by and turn into weeks, and he watches as his mum slowly works her way back into normalcy, at least as normal as it can be for her, and nothing makes him happier. He’s coming home from school to the smell of baked goods more times than he can remember ever happening in the past year, and god, did he miss his Mums baking. She always makes the best treats.
She’s started doing puzzles, too, a lot of beautiful landscapes from around the world. She hasn’t been well enough for a few years now to be going back into the workforce, but she’s found other ways to fill her time. In her own words, it’s the perfect way to keep her brain working while also slowly building up these beautiful images, piece by piece.
On more than one occasion Levi has sat with her to help her complete them before they’re glueing them together and hanging them up on various walls around the house.
Levi can still see the fatigue take its hold on her on occasions when she works herself too much, but most days are getting better for her. Even the doctors are happy with her progress, still requesting her to come in for biweekly checkups in the future to make sure the status of her health keeps up the way it has been.
Kenny still works the nightshift every second week, so most weekdays it leaves Levi at home with his Mum after school, in which they spend afternoons and nights together when Levi isn’t working on schoolwork, watching TV together and prepping meals which Levi insists on helping in the preparation process.
Kuchel has her moments where getting out of bed is still more difficult than others, but on the days where it’s not, Levi relishes in it like it’s gold.
* * * * *
“Okay class,” the Teacher starts once everyone has taken their seats, himself standing at the head of the class in front of his desk, leaning back with his arms in his pant pockets, “today’s date is Monday the 10th of May, meaning you have just over a month to complete work for your presentations. I expect that you are all working on these in your spare time as well, but today, as you know we do every week, I’m going to let you group up with your study partners to continue working on them further,” he turns to walk around to his side of the desk, taking his seat, “You can obviously talk between your classmates, but I expect that you will all keep your voices low. I’ll be here if you all have any questions.”
The class starts relocating to be seated with their subject partners, and he and Hange do the same, grouping up at the back corner of the computer room by the outer windows, placing their bags on the floor beside them. There arent any covered bag racks in these classroom blocks, and with it currently raining the teacher informed them that it would be best to bring them inside.
As well, Moblit is usually with them, however, he has been sick the past few days, so it leaves just Hange and Levi in their study group.
He can hear a bunch of boys up the front causing a ruckus and the teacher calling them out when they don’t stop, telling them to be quiet or they’ll be doing their work out on the balcony instead. They quickly turn back to a quiet whisper, which the teacher accepts and goes back to whatever he was focusing on, which is usually on marking other classes grades.
Hange turns on their swivel chair to grab out their books which lay on their bag on the floor beside them, placing them not so quietly on the desk beside them.
“How much have you done Levi?” they say, opening up one of the browser tabs to begin searching relevant information.
Levi follows suit, logging into the school web and opening up an old saved document. “Probably about half so far, I’d say.”
“Yeah, I’m about the same. This class sucks ass, I don’t even know why we have to study this”
Levi chuckles, “Yeah, me either. The sooner we get this done the sooner it’s over though.”
They both get tucked into their work, the entire class reasonably quiet bar for the click of keyboards and the hammering of rain on glass tile and iron roof. He continues taking notes, switching back and forth between his notes and the information, making sure to jot down all the small details correctly.
“So anyway, what did you do this weekend? Hange keeps their voice just above a whisper, careful not to speak too loudly and grab the attention of the teacher.
“Stuck around at home with Mum and my Uncle mostly, spent some time with Erwin yesterday.”
They hum in approval, instantly shooting upright in their seat and leaning their body almost way too close to his own. “Oh, that reminds me! You won’t believe what I heard in English class earlier today.”
Levi doesn’t even look at them directly, turning his head slightly and responding with a ‘ hmm?’ as he continues taking notes.
“I heard a bunch of Marie’s friends talking about Mike and Erwin, going on about how hot they are and whatever, right, Marie even apparently wanting to get his number or ask him out. Isn’t that wild? I don’t even think I’ve seen them interact enough before for her to want to do that.”
He can feel his chest tighten slightly around the speed his heart starts beating. He tries to keep his gaze away and to hide the look on his face, only turning his face just enough to ask them a question in response.
“Huh. Do you know if she did or not?” he tries to keep his voice as neutral and uncaring as possible.
“No idea. Doubt he’d be interested in her anyway. If anything, he’d probably just give his number to her to not be rude.” They slide back into their seat properly, fixing their glasses on their face before putting their nose back into their work.
“Yeah. I guess that does sound like him.” He shuffles in his seat, readjusting his posture and trying to concentrate on the work in front of him.
Hange waits a moment before speaking up again. “He wouldn’t be interested in her, anyway.” They sound so sure about it, almost too sure, barely even giving Levi a second look as they concentrate on the work ahead of them as the words leave their lips.
“Yeah, okay. How do you know that for sure?” she’s pretty and popular, and nice, he thinks but doesn’t say out loud.
“I know things. It’s so obvious he’s not.”
“Yeah, okay, sure you do.” He rolls his eyes, trying his best to act like he doesn’t care either way.
Hange just laughs into their hand, readjusting their glasses on their face again.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh, nothing much. Don’t worry your little head about it.” They pat their hands on his arm, but he pulls it away from them to get them to stop which only makes them chuckle more.
“Yeah, whatever. Let’s just get back to work.”
They continue working, Hange scrawling almost unintelligible notes in their own notepad, scrolling back and forth between multiple web pages to grab information from.
Levi tries his best to concentrate, and while he does manage to get some work done, he can’t help but be unable to pull his mind from Hanges words earlier. How on earth do they know that Erwin wouldn’t be interested in Marie? He knows he shouldn’t care, Erwin is his friend after all, but he can’t help the subtle ache that grows in his chest at the thought.
It makes sense, after all, that someone like her would want to go for someone like him. That doesn’t mean he has to like the thought of it, though.
He manages to put more focus back into his work, exchanging thoughts here and there on the shared subject topic that he and Hange share for this assignment before the final school bell rings and they’re able to leave the classroom. The rains have eased up a bit by now, but Levi still tightens his jacket around his body to fend off the chilled Autumn air, zipping it all the way up as he makes his way down the I.T. block stairs, saying his goodbyes for the day to Hange as they head the opposite way back to the science blocks the same way they do every other day after school, and he slowly heads towards the front school gates.
There, like every day, he spots Erwin waiting, but he spots someone else as well. He walks slower, making his way around the corner until he can make out the other figure, realising that is in fact Marie, and his heart tightens a little in his chest.
He takes a breath and pushes himself forward, only barely catching the end of their conversation before Marie flutters away past him, waving at Levi as she does, him shyly returning the gesture.
He sees Erwin pocket his phone and run his fingers through his hair before he sees Levi, and that usual sunny smile starts growing ever so bright on his face.
They start on their usual walk home once more, both glad that the rain stops purely for the fact that they both don’t have umbrellas. They turn the corner down Levi’s street, and after not talking much the entire way there, Levi dares ask a question.
“What did Marie want before? Hardly ever see you two talking.” He keeps his gaze forward, too scared about what his face will show if he dares make eye contact.
“Oh. Well, she actually asked me for my number.” He can hear Erwin clear his throat after he finishes his sentence, and he doesn’t speak more almost as if he’s leaving it open for Levi himself to fill it with more words.
All he can manage to say is “Oh, okay,” and as if he feels he has to cover his tracks, Erwin speaks up again.
“Though, I don’t think anything will happen. I mean, sure she’s a kind person and she’s pretty,” just great, Levi thinks to himself, still keeping his gaze away, “but she’s not really my type, I guess.”
That grabs Levi’s attention, and he can’t help but throw an inquisitive look in Erwin’s direction. “Pretty and nice isn’t your type? You shock me more each day”
Erwin just laughs, tucking stray hairs neatly back into place, “Well, yes, but no. Not her type of pretty, at least.”
He smiles and chuckles at that, not even really sure what it means, but it amuses him either way.
They make their way once again to Levi’s place, Erwin saying his goodbyes, hugging him, and saying that he’ll see him tomorrow before heading off further down the street. Levi lets himself inside, surprised to see Kenny’s work bag on the kitchen table already- usually on his day shift weeks he doesn’t return until after six o’clock.
He hears some coughing coming from down the hall, which he follows to find his Mother in bed under the covers.
“Hey Mum,” he speaks quietly, dropping his bag at the door and cautiously entering the room but sticking close by the door frame. The lights are off, but the small TV she has in her room is on, the droning of the ceiling fan covering any noise it could be making, “are you okay?”
She looks tired. It must be one of her bad days again, though he hasn’t seen her this tired in weeks now. He’d gotten himself so used to the peppiness that he used to know, that he almost let himself forget.
“Hey sweetie,” she pushes herself up as best she can against her headboard and pats the space beside her, which Levi moves toward to sit down on, crawling under the covers with her and resting back against the pillow behind him, “I’m alright, just a down day, that’s all.”
He looks back at her, “Okay,” looks back over at the TV and then out the door, “Where is Kenny? I saw his work bag, but the car’s gone.”
“He’s just gone out to get a few things along with dinner, he came home early when I said I wasn’t feeling well. Being his usual overprotective self.”
Levi decides to let himself rest with her, turning up the volume on the TV and changing the channel to something else. He gets himself comfortable, watching along with the show on the TV until Kenny returns, which is when Levi decides to take a shower before returning to eat.
They don’t worry about leaving the bedroom, all three sitting on the bed and eating dinner.
Kenny eventually leaves to take himself to his own room, Levi doesn’t manage to make it to his own before he’s passed out, curled under the covers, his Mother’s warmth and comfort right beside him.
Notes:
I tried to split this up into multiple time frames, I guess you’d call it. Hopefully it worked and flowed okay enough.
Thanks again for reading, kudos and comments are always appreciated <3
Find me on twitter <3
Chapter 5: mothers
Notes:
So... I'm here with an update.
After two months.
Whoops.I didn't know where I was going with this story, to be honest, and was feeling rather unhappy with it.
I figured the only way to feel better is to continue on in the hope I make the story as good as I wanted it to be when I first posted this here. It is the first fic I started writing, and I still want to see it through.I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy with everything I write, but I do quite like this chapter still, and I hope you do too.
Please note that the tags have been updated, and will continue to update when needed.
Thank you to anyone who enjoys it and is still here reading. I appreciate you very much.
Enjoy xx
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Do you know how much longer she’ll be in for?”
Erwin speaks from where he sits at his desk, half-chewed end of his pen hanging from his mouth. He’s half turned in his chair with his gaze directed in Levi’s direction. Levi lays on Erwin’s bed – sprawled out face down with his arms crossed under his head.
The air is cool, the slow chill of winter creeping its way over the town with each passing day slowly leaving Autumn behind. A wind rustles at Erwin’s curtains, a soft wave that mixes in with the low hum of music that plays through the room. Otherwise, the room is relatively silent, two boys indulging in their own company.
Levi turns his head towards him, rests his cheek against his arm with a weary sigh.
It’s the cycle repeating itself, and he’s tired. Tired of everything - his mum going back between hospital and home, tired of not being fully honest with his friends, and tired of feeling like there’s nothing he can do.
It has been about a month since the last time his mum was admitted, and she is there yet again. The cough and fatigue she had just a few weeks prior escalated quickly, and Kenny thought it best to take her in again. Kuchel insisted she was fine, but Kenny simply said he wasn’t no fool and took her in the next day.
With each new turn of it, Levi grows less able to keep up the walls he’s gotten so used to building. The cracks are slowly growing larger and he’s fearful of the day they’ll reach the edge and break it down completely.
“I’m not sure.” He pauses, exhaling long and turning over onto his back, his hands laying on his stomach. He stares at the ceiling, eyes following the repetitive motion of the ceiling fan above. His thoughts keep racing, but that’s nothing new. Each time his mum is admitted it happens all over again. Each time he adjusts to the feeling of home rebuilding itself, it gets pulled right back down again. “They said she should be okay to leave in two days. It really depends… The nurses are always nice at least.”
Levi’s words are a quiet murmur, but still loud enough for Erwin to make out. Erwin seems to ponder before answering, words soft and fresh from his own thoughts.
“I hope she gets out soon, like last time.”
“Yeah, me too.” Levi can’t think of anything better than that. “You think I’d be used to it by now.”
Erwin is silent for a moment. “I don’t think anyone gets used to something like this.”
Levi turns his head to fix his eyes on Erwin. A small smile plays on his own lips. Faint, but there. Levi turns to face the ceiling once more, sighing into the air above. “Would just be good if she could… I don’t know. Not have to be there.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” Erwin pauses, unsure. “I wish I could do something.”
“Well,” Levi sighs, “unless you got a cure for cancer, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
Erwin chuckles and sighs, turning around in his chair and pushing himself back to stand up. He makes his way over and sits on the edge of his bed by Levi’s feet. Levi cranes his neck and looks at him from where he lays.
“I was going to go in and see her tomorrow for her birthday if you wanted to come along?” Levi says. “I know she’d like to see you too.”
“Of course,” Erwin smiles, “I’ll ask Dad if he can take us?”
“Yeah.” Levi returns the smile, turning his head to face the ceiling soon after. He can feel the warmth prickling his cheeks once more. “Sounds good.”
He can feel Erwin moving on the bed, working his way up to lay down parallel beside Levi, mimicking his same resting position.
“Anything you want to do after dinner? Could see what new movies there are.”
Levi hums in agreement. “Let’s see if there are any dumb horrors. That’s always fun.”
“Can do.” He says with a smile.
They lay there for a while, still in relative silence, Levi closing his eyes and taking the moment to soak in the music. He can hear Erwin typing out something on his phone and Levi takes a quick peak beside him before Erwin drops his phone beside them.
“Sounds important at the speed you were typing.” Levi retorts. Erwin laughs, looking slightly bashful.
“Not really.” He pauses for a moment. “Marie actually invited me to a party during the school break. You should come along too, she did say I could invite friends if I wanted.”
Levi pauses, tries not to think of the implications of them texting each other and instead agrees to Erwin's request. “Sure. I mean, I don’t see why not,” he pauses and turns to Erwin who is already looking at him.
“Good.” He’s smiling that lovely toothy grin of his. “It will be fun, I’ll see if the others want to come as well.”
With that he sends a group message to everyone with the details; Mike, Nanaba, Hange, Moblit and Petra. Levi as well. Everyone enthusiastically accepts the invite, except for Petra. Says she’s going to be travelling with her parents over the school break. She tells them to have fun and to drink enough for her too.
Erwin pockets his phone just as his dad calls out from downstairs that dinner is almost ready, the two boys pulling themselves from the bed to head down to help prepare.
They both assist in setting the table with cutlery and dinnerware for three. Neil serves up a lovely roast dinner, potatoes and carrots roasted to perfection in the crunchy-but-soft way that Levi loves. Levi always feels grateful when they have him for dinners, but he can't help the slight twang of guilt that runs its way through his body. He’s sitting here about to eat a wonderful home-cooked meal while his mother is in the hospital yet again.
He knows he can’t do anything. He’s not magic, and certainly not a doctor. He can’t be there with her every hour of the day, but it still feels wrong. Why should he get to enjoy these simple luxuries while the person who means and has done the most for him isn't here to enjoy it, too?
Erwin must see it etched onto his face, the way Levi’s gaze lingers a bit too long over his full plate, prodding at it with his fork but without eating it. Levi feels a nudge at his ankle, looks up to see Erwin looking with a kind smile on his face. He doesn't say anything, just offers Levi a smile.
Levi smiles back, glad that Neil doesn’t notice his prior daze. He straightens up his posture and begins eating along with them all.
They finish up their meals, making small conversations while cleaning up the table and stacking dishes into the dishwasher. Neil talks about his work week, keeping it minimal seemingly not wanting to bore the two boys with University talk. Levi guesses he thinks they hear enough talk about going to University after Highschool as it is, they don’t need a Uni lecturer talking about it in their downtime.
Erwin turns to his dad before he and Levi move to exit the kitchen, a question on his lips. “It's Kuchels birthday tomorrow and Levi is visiting her for it, are we able to take him? She said she’d like to see us too. If you can.”
Neil looks up from where he stands at the sink wiping down benches, cleaning up dinner preparation messes. He throws the tea towel over his shoulder, his attention shared between the two of them. He looks at Levi and smiles, moving his gaze to his son. “Of course I can. I’d love to give her a visit, too. Let me know what time for tomorrow Levi, and I will happily take you.”
Levi returns the smile, shyly. “Thank you, and I will.”
The two of them return back upstairs to Erwin's room, spending the rest of the night watching movies and playing video games before falling asleep just shy of midnight.
* * * * *
These hospital walls are never changing. Same stark white and off cream walls, small hints of colour splashed throughout in an attempt to liven it up. Always sterile in its scent, too clean to feel comforting. Too silent as well, considering it’s the middle of the day. Levi thought there would've been more movement than he’s used to there being when he’s here in the late afternoons, but he’s proven wrong. The tick of clocks, taps of keyboards and the beeping and whirring of hospital machines is all he still hears.
The air in the building is chilled and almost colder than outside as they all make their way through the halls and toward his mother's room. They make a detour to the gift shop at Erwin's request, leaving with a small flower bouquet in one arm and some small “Get Well Soon” balloons in the other. Levi can’t help but laugh, Erwin's excuse being that they didn't exactly have a Happy Birthday option in a hospital.
They arrive at her door with no nurses in sight, Kuchel is sitting upright in her bed when they enter and is finishing up her midday meal. She sets the empty plate to the side on the wheeled tray next to her bed. Her sight lands on the three of them and roams over them all before ultimately resting on Levi, gaze as warm and loving as ever.
She greets them all, and Levi can see she doesn't look too bad today. Her skin has some colour to it, and while she still looks slightly tired he can sense there's more energy to her than usual. He’s thankful for it. Levi walks up to her and takes her into a hug, her grip tightening around him.
“Happy Birthday, Mum,” he speaks into the side of her head, her grip only growing tighter after those words leave his mouth.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Her voice is muffled into his head, and she presses a kiss into Levi’s hair before letting him go and turning her gaze to the two Smith men behind him.
“I’m so happy you two came along,” she says, smiling wide at their presence.
“Wouldn't want to miss your birthday now, would we?” Neil speaks, voice bright with ardour. There’s something slightly more tender about his smile and tone of voice than usual. He moves to stand at the end of her bed, hands resting on the metal railings drumming a steady quiet beat onto them.
“I actually have something for you.” Erwin steps forward past his father and moves up to be next to Levi. “It’s not much, but…” Erwin removes the flowers and balloons he was holding behind his back and hands the flowers to Kuchel, placing the balloons on the bed next to her. Her already wide grin grows even more as she pulls the bouquet into her hold.
“You didn’t have to Erwin, this is too sweet. Thank you.”
“They also didn't have any plain or happy birthday ones,” he nods his head toward the balloons by her side and Levi thinks he looks almost embarrassed, if only slightly. He can’t help but chuckle, and apparently, his mum feels the same.
“Oh, don't worry yourself over it, I appreciate the gesture so much. Thank you.” She places the flowers down in their makeshift pot down beside the balloons and lifts her arms, pulling Erwin into a quick embrace of his own before he pulls back.
Neil and Kuchel talk between each other for a short moment while Levi sits in the chair by his mothers beside, where Erwin sits on the arm rest. They both listen in on the two adults conversation before Kuchel turns it on them and asks about their night.
“You will have to come to dinner again sometime when you’re home,” Neil says.
“That would be wonderful.” Kuchel beams at the offer, the light in her eyes growing more expansive. “I do miss your cooking, and I know how much Levi loves it as well.”
Neil scoffs playfully, dismissing the compliment away with a wave of his hand. “I only know a few good dishes, I guess I should be glad both our sons enjoy them.”
The sound of the door opening rings through the room, cutting into their conversation. Kenny enters with his hands shoved into his pockets, wearing his standard dark blue jeans and dark grey flannel. Levi knows Kenny dislikes these places just as much as he does, but his face warms at the sight of his sister.
He smiles slightly as he walks to her bedside but not without greeting the other two. He shakes Neil's hand and offers Erwin a smile and a word of hello, Erwin returning it the same.
“Erwin,” directs Neil, motioning with his head for his son to move toward him. “Let's get some food and leave these three alone.”
“Alright.” He moves from the edge of the chair, extends a warm ‘
see you in a bit’
to Levi before following his father out the door. Neil waves them off with a smile before closing the door behind him.
Levi watches with content as Erwin and his dad leave, turning his gaze back to his mum and uncle once the door closes.
“How you been?” is the first thing Kenny asks, sitting down in the chair behind him and leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.
Kuchel sighs, but not a fatigued one. It’s a tired one, sure, but more bored in its release. “I have been better places on my birthday, but overall it’s been good here. The nurses even sang me happy birthday when they brought in my meal,” she laughs at her own story, and seeing that happiness on his mother's face brings butterflies to life in Levi’s chest. Kenny laughs as well, and he slowly seems to loosen up the longer he sits there, watching his sister acting as normal as she can do in this situation.
“The doctors said I should be fine to leave again tomorrow, if all things stay the same. Said it was best to monitor everything.”
Kenny nods, grunts in agreement. “Well, I couldn't be more glad to hear it. But it is your birthday, isn't it?” He stands and pulls a small wrapped box from his pocket, a smile growing on his face.
“Kenny,” she scolds him, looking at the box and back at him. “We don’t do gifts, you know that.”
“Oh, be quiet and open it. I’m sure you’ll change your mind after,” he pushes the little box forward into his sister's hands, “and besides, it was originally your son's idea.”
Kuchel now holds the wrapped palm-sized box in her hands, looking between her son and brother with both a serious but also curious look on her face. It makes Levi laugh a genuine chuckle.
“Come on mum, just open it.” He nods his head toward the box, stares her down as she begins to pull at the edges carefully. She’s never been one to enjoy ripping the paper off, always doing her best to keep the paper intact.
She pulls the paper off to reveal a small jewellery box. She opens the case, and her eyes widen at the sight. She pulls her gaze from it to glance between Levi and Kenny.
“Happy birthday, sis,” Kenny says, care lacing his words.
“Yeah, Happy birthday, mum.”
She just looks at the box in her hand, awestruck before a gentle smile creeps onto her lips, words soft when they slip their way from her tongue. “You two..”
“Do you like it?” Levi asks, looking at his mother’s eyes waiting for a response. She turns to look at him, and he swears he sees small tears prickling at the edge of her eyes.
“I love it. So much. It’s beautiful.”
“It’s the north star,” Levi says, knowing full well that his mother knows what it’s meant to be but he wants to explain it anyway.
“That it is, sweetheart,” she says, removing it delicately from the box and folding the chain over her hand, the pendant resting in her palm. It’s a small but sturdy charm, about an inch in length, full silver with delicate clear crystal gems resting on its entire surface.
She looks up again, stretching her arms out either side in Levi and Kenny’s direction motioning them to come closer. Levi does, and he’s pulled into a tight embrace against his mother and uncle. He grunts, attempting to pull his arms out from where they're trapped between the two of them to wrap one around his mother. He can hear his uncle protest, though he eventually gives in and wraps an arm around them all.
“I love you two so much.” She emphasises the words, lets them linger in the air before releasing her grip on the two. Kenny returns to his seat, though Levi stays at the edge of her bed. She holds the necklace up by its chain, unlinking its hook. “Thank you, this is lovely.”
She uses one hand to swoop her hair around to one side and attempts to clasp the necklace around her neck, however unable to clasp the hook shut on itself.
“Let me,” Kenny says, standing again and helping her put the chain around her neck. She adjusts her hair again, chest length and pitches black, shimmering under the yellow overhead lights.
She looks down at the shining jewel which she holds up in her hand, turning it over to get a better look from each and every angle.
“Glad you like it sis,” Kenny says, standing and placing a single kiss onto her hair before he excuses himself to the bathroom. He emerges after a minute and moves to leave and get food.
“Anything you two want while I’m down there?” Kenny asks.
Levi only asks for a sandwich, Kuchel declines stating that she’s still full from her own lunch.
“Alright, be back in a bit.” He leaves, shutting the door behind him.
It's only silent for a moment before his mum speaks, “I’m happy that Neil and Erwin came along, it’s always nice to see them,” she says, moving her gaze from the door to Levi, “Erwin is always such a sweetheart.”
Levi only nods, adding on a quiet hum in agreement.
Her words are softer now, Levi can still feel her gaze on the side of his face and he dares to look back. “I can see how much he cares about you,” she says, which makes Levi groan in embarrassment. His mum just laughs. “I'm serious. I know you don’t want me saying anything, but I’m your mother. I can see these things.”
He can almost feel his cheeks turning pink and he turns his gaze to anywhere but his mother's eyes. “Yeah, yeah, sure.” he keeps his eyes away from her, not wanting to face the reality of those words.
“You care about him too, don’t you?” The words make his face feel like fire, stoking at the flames burning in his chest.
He looks at her briefly before turning his head just as quickly, only acknowledging her question with a simple nod.
She hums, placing her hand on his knee. “Are you scared to tell him?” she asks, even softer this time, and again Levi only nods, still looking away.
She squeezes his knee softly, speaking a soft ‘Come here’, pulling him up to sit beside her properly, hugging her arms around his shoulders. Levi lets his head rest on her shoulder.
“If you do, and he doesn't feel the same, then that is his loss.” Levi nods against her shoulder, and Kuchel rubs his arms in an act of comfort. “But I see how much that boy cares about you, as a friend or more. Whenever you do decide to tell him – if you ever do, know that if he’s worth the effort, he’ll understand. And I am here for you.”
She holds him tighter against her side, and Levi can feel tears fighting at the edges of his eyes.
He’s never told his mum about his attractions, but considering that his uncle's late partner was also a man, he doesn't believe it was ever an important enough thing to bring up to her yet.
He has seen photos of his Mum together with Kenny and Uri – Kenny’s late partner – and he has heard both of them mention him a few times over the years. All he really knows is that he died when Levi was just a baby, still too young to remember him.
A single tear escapes his eye and he wipes it away with the back of his hand, but not without his mum noticing. “Sweetie?” He can feel her pull herself back to look at him, “Oh Lee honey, come here,” she says, a tender arm pulling him even tighter against her.
He tries to hold it in, does his best to keep the emotion at bay but fails before he can fully try.
The effort is too much, the energy he uses every day to keep himself together and to keep these walls up crumbles so easily with a few words from his mother.
Tears begin to fall, though not many. It’s enough for his mother to tighten her arms around him, completely encasing him in her motherly love and care.
Her hand moves to his head, making soothing motions down over his hair. She doesn’t say another word simply holds him. Levi's head rests on her shoulder, and hers rests against the top of his head.
They sit and embrace the silence until Levi pulls back, wiping his face a final time. Kuchel places her palms on either side of his face and wipes away a final tear, tucking ruffled hairs behind his ears with her fingers. She reaches over to the tissue box on her bedside and hands one to Levi.
“I love you, Lee, you know that.”
Levi sniffles, scrunching his nose as he nods in response, “I love you too mum.”
“Good,” she says, smiling wide, “You better. Now, as much as I do, go and wet your face.” She rubs a comforting set of circles on Levi’s arm and leaves a kiss on his hair before he obeys her request, moving to wash his face in the connected bathroom.
He wets his face, washing away the salty tears from his cheeks with tap water and drying it on the hand towel hanging from the wall. He thinks over his mum's words, wonders if he should tell Erwin, but even the mere thought of having to bring that up makes his stomach turn in on itself. He wants to tell him… eventually, but the potential of their friendship falling to ruins if Erwin doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, or worse – doesn't understand, is too much to bear. He’s not sure if he can handle that just yet.
He exits the bathroom and leaves those thoughts behind the door, returning to the seat beside his mother just as Neil, Erwin and Kenny all re-enter the room. They're all chatting, and Erwins laughing, and that alone calms him down even further.
* * * * *
Just as Kuchel had told them, she’s released from the hospital the next day with orders to take it easy and a handful of extra medication to take. There's always so much, Levi hates it. He understands why, knows it’s supposed to help her, but seeing her pop these pills daily just to hopefully help her body do what it should do on its own doesn't exactly bring him any extra comfort.
Either way, she listens to doctors orders to rest for the next week, though Levi can still see the fatigue take its toll on her whenever she does move around for a moment too long. She blames it on the cold weather, which isn't a full lie but Levi knows it also isn't the whole truth.
Though as much as the fatigue still takes its toll on her, she’s doing better just as the doctors had hoped for. So much so, that she takes up Mr Smith on his offer to have them around for a Sunday lunch. Kenny is unable to make it due to conflicting work schedules, but Kuchel is quick to accept the offer of a lovely cooked meal and good company.
Kenny drops them there before he heads off to work, and when they arrive they’re greeted with the mouth-watering smell of freshly cooked food wafting through the entrance.
“Hello, you two,” Neil greets them with a smile, moving to the side and allowing them to enter before shutting the door behind them. He walks his way toward the kitchen and through to the dining room, Levi and Kuchel close behind. “God, how long has it been since you've been around here, Kuchel?”
His mum chuckles softly, “Far too long, in all honesty. But here I am, and I am ready to eat whatever it is I can smell that smells that delicious.”
Neil smiles at her, gaze shifting between the two of them and the pot of food resting on the centre of the table. “Garlic pesto chicken pasta, I know how much the both of you enjoy your pasta dishes.”
He offers them their seats and a drink, Neil sitting beside his mother and Levi opposite them at the table for four. Levi looks around for Erwin, surmises that he must be upstairs still. It’s almost like Neil can read his thoughts when he speaks up again.
“Erwin’s still getting ready. He woke up rather late today,” Neil says, eyes moving to the stairs and back to Levi.
“Taking advantage of being lazy on the weekends,” Levi says, the comment pulling a small chuckle from Neil.
“Yes, you could definitely say that. Though I think he was just excited to have you both here for the first time in a long while that he couldn’t sleep,” Neil jokes, relaxing back into his chair and taking a sip of water from his glass.
Like clockwork, Levi can hear Erwin’s footsteps coming from the stairs behind him, Erwin joining them at the table. Erwin speaks his sleepy-sounding welcome to Levi and Kuchel, his mum returning it with utmost hospitality.
Once Erwin seats himself, Neil begins to plate up their food. “Good of you to finally join us, son,” Neil speaks with a smile on his lips, claearly not upset at his son’s lateness.
Erwin still looks tired, further confirmed when he lets out a yawn into his hand before speaking again.
“Sorry dad,” Erwin replies, definitely tired but doing his best to sound awake. He turns to Levi with a shy smile before yawning again, muttering a soft “sorry” amidst it. Levi can’t help but chuckle.
* * * * *
The day is chilly from the moment he wakes. Already darkened skies casting shadows where the sun usually blankets the town with its warmth, grey skies low on the horizon. He showers under the warm spray and immediately wraps himself in fresh towels to keep the cold at bay, dressing as quickly as possible and taking out the heavier of the school jackets he owns. It’s a little old now and he is in need of a new one, but it does the job. It’s not even the end of June, and the winter cold snap has already kicked in.
Kenny offers to drive both him and Erwin to school while he’s here, but Levi declines. Says he likes the walk, and Kenny doesn't persist too much. Levi heads down the hall to say goodbye to his mother, though she’s still asleep when he enters. He doesn’t want to disturb her too much, tiptoeing quietly to her bedside and rousing her awake carefully. She wakes up enough to notice him, so he speaks a quiet ‘See you this afternoon, love you,’ and hugs her goodbye before leaving and shutting the door quietly, heading on his way.
Erwins meets him out front as usual, and even he has his coat pulled snug around his body. Levi loves the cold, more so than Erwin, but even he isn’t immune to the discomfort of the freezing breezes that winter brings with it.
A fog wraps its way around the streets making it nearly impossible to see more than 20 metres ahead. Both boys make sure to stick to the sidewalks, not wanting to risk being hidden amongst the mist. They both complain about the winter chill, Erwin more than himself, and Levi just laughs and tells him to grow thicker, more cold-proof skin.
They part ways with a wave and a smile when they arrive at school as they make their way to their respective homerooms. It’s like every other day, their attendance gets collected then they head off to the rest of their day's classes. His first two are focussing on mid-year tests, ones that Levi is as confident in as he can be. He manages to complete them with time to spare, and with a check from the teacher, he pulls his bag up onto his shoulders and is sent off with an early start to his lunch break.
He makes his way to where he and his friends usually sit, a picnic table shaded by a large tree where he sees Mike and Erwin already there eating
“Hey,” Levi greets them, a chill of cold air creeping up his sleeves, he pulls his jacket tighter around his body in an attempt to ward it off. The two other boys seem to be doing the same. “Finish your tests early, too?”
“Yeah, we did,” Erwin replies, making room for Levi to sit down beside him, which Levi accepts and places his bag down on the table in front of them. “It felt a little too easy, which scares me. Either the studying worked, or I somehow flunked it,” Erwin laughs at himself, a lovely warm sound to contrast the cold of the day.
Levi scoffs, leaning his arms forward against the table, “Sure, I doubt either of you would have flunked it, smart asses.”
The rest of their friends eventually join them for the lunch break, breaking apart again when the bell for their midday classes sounds.
Levi heads off with Hange and Moblit to their class, going over some quick pre-assignment talks before they have to present in front of the class together. They leave their bags on the racks outside, taking only the belongings they need inside with them. The classroom is warmer than outside so he takes his jacket off, placing it on the back of his chair before sitting down. Thankfully for the three, the presentations are rolled out in alphabetical order meaning Levi and his partners go first.
It goes off without any issues, and they're done just as soon as they started, meaning they get to spend the rest of the class watching everyone else present while they sit stress free. They talk quietly together about the coming two week break and Marie's party, and Levi pretends to be excited about it. To an extent he is, but knowing he may have to watch Marie try to sidle her way up against Erwin throughout the night, and knowing Erwin is too nice to tell her he isn't interested – at least Levi hopes he isn’t – makes his stomach twist. Thankfully the topic changes, Hange quietly yelping on about some new documentary show they started watching, and Levi is glad for it. As loud as they are, the genuine excitement in their tone lets Levi sink down comfortably into his seat.
He listens to Hange talk more with Moblit, moving his own gaze to the front of the class to where another group is presenting their work.
He sees movement outside the classroom window, soon after hearing a shallow knock on the door before it opens. The vice-principal enters and motions for the teacher who makes his way over, having something whispered to him – too low for Levi to catch. Levi catches on to a slight change in their expressions before they reign it back in. Standing up straight, his teacher pauses the students currently presenting their work before he calls Levi out by name.
“Please bring your belongings with you, Mr. Shadis would like you to come along with him.”
Levi looks between the teacher and his friends, whose faces wear a look of slight concern. He’d be lying too if he said he wasn’t also feeling that way.
“What does he want?” Moblit asks, but a whisper, doing his best to make sure no one else can hear.
Levi doesn’t know, but the sickening feeling that slowly twists and churns in his stomach doesn't help him to feel any better. He gives a small shrug. “I’m not sure. I’m sure I won’t be too long.” He hopes, anyway.
Levi does as asked, pulling his jacket back onto his body and picking up his few class materials in his arms, walking his way past the other student to stand by Mr Shadis at the entrance.
He looks over his shoulder at his friends, giving them a shy smile while trying to avoid the looks of other classmates. Mr Shadis walks out the door first and Levi follows behind, picking up his bag and placing his belongings inside, holding it tight on his shoulders as they begin to walk away from the class.
Mr Shadis motions for him to follow him as they head toward the front of the school. Levi questions him and asks if he’s in any trouble, but Mr Shadis assures him with a smile and a shake of the head that he isn’t in any strife.
“Then why am I being taken from class?” Levi asks, scared of an answer he isn’t even aware of yet. Shadis’ emotions still for a moment, turning his head to Levi and simply saying, “Let’s just head to the front office, your uncle is there waiting for you.”
That’s when Levi can feel it. It’s not a proper answer, half baked at best, but it’s enough information to send his mind into overdrive. He does his best to keep himself calm as they get close to the front building, but with each step closer, his footsteps feel heavier and his throat feels tighter.
Suddenly the day feels even colder, though he’s sure nothing has changed. He swallows, wipes his hair from his face and shoves his hands in his jacket pocket to stop himself from picking at his fingers.
He opens the front administration building door for Levi when they arrive, and Levi is met with the sight of his uncle sitting hunched over in the waiting area seat, shoulders resting on his knees. Levi thinks he looks tired.
He doesn’t offer Levi a smile – at least not much of one anyway – before he stands up and walks to the front desk to speak with the school receptionist. Levi thanks Mr Shadis and walks to stand beside his uncle.
“Why are you here?” Levi asks, quiet, nervously fiddling with the insides of his pockets awaiting an answer. Kenny is signing his name on the school sign-out sheet, turning the paper and pen back to the receptionist who offers them a small smile and a ‘have a good afternoon’ their way. Kenny walks back out the door and Levi follows on his heels.
“I’ll tell you in the car,” is all Kenny gives him, the answer short and almost curt in its return, but there’s something else in his tone that Levi can hear. He pushes the thought back down and ignores the feeling it brings.
They walk to the car in relative silence, the whistles of the cold winter wind slowly picking up speed, skies growing greyer than they were when Levi left his home this morning.
They walk along a line of classrooms and Levi looks inside as they do, scoping out the many faces in search of someone he knows. He knows one of these is Erwin’s class. He spots him talking with Mike, and in perfect timing, Erwin looks up to meet his gaze. Erwin looks between him and his uncle, his smile slowly dropping. Levi has to look away.
They make it to the car, Kenny still more silent than Levi has ever seen him. They enter and buckle themselves into their seats, seining the doors shut and Levi asks once more why he’s here and why he’s taking him from class.
At this point, he already knows why. He doesn’t want the confirmation, but he knows he needs it. No matter how much it aches.
“It’s Kuchel, kid-… it’s-” Kenny stutters. He never sees him stutter. “It’s your mum. She’s at the hospital, I had to take her there.” He pauses again, the next words a faint whisper as he reverses the car out of the parking area and drives off down the road. Kenny clears his throat. “She’s not doing well.”
Notes:
Sorry for the cliffhanger, hopefully it shouldn't be 2 months until the next one. But yeah, that angst tag had to come into play sooner or later :')
comments and kudos always appreciated <3
Thank you for reading
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Chapter 6: the quiet
Summary:
“Well,” he can hear Erwin clearing his throat, “about earlier,” he takes another pause, longer this time. It feels like he’s worrying over his words.
“About earlier,” Levi repeats back to him; a quiet question, barely a whisper from his own lips.
“When I said I like being around you,” another pause, “I uh— I meant it.”
Levi is silent for a moment, looking back into Erwin’s eyes, soft blue barely visible in the dark. He doesn't want to look away this time. “So did I,” he replies, and Erwin smiles at him. That warm smile, just for him. A light in the darkness in so many more ways than one.
Notes:
Hi! Firstly, sorry for the almost 3 month wait, but this chapter is 12.3k words long so I hope that makes up for it xo
Thank you to Fuchsia for reading over this long ass one for me and dealing with all my mistypes and spelling mistakes, you are forever a gemThere are a few reasons why this chapter took so long for me to get out, but I'll go into that in the end notes...
Thank you to anyone who's reading and I hope you enjoy ~~
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Was that Levi?” He can hear Mike whispering to him from over his shoulder, though he isn't paying much attention right now.
Erwin continues looking out the window, his gaze following the back of Levi’s head as he walks away alongside his uncle toward the parking lot.
“Uh, yeah. It was.” Erwin clears his throat and turns back to his work once Levi’s figure leaves his view, scribbling down notes as the teacher talks on at the front of the classroom.
Erwin can feel Mike looking at him for a moment before he sets his gaze out the window as well. “Why do you think he’s getting taken from school?”
Erwin has a good idea why; a pretty damn firm one, actually. One that brings along with it a deep twisting ache in the pit of his stomach. He knows that Levi doesn't like to talk about it much, and he wants to respect that. He’s sure Levi will tell them what’s going on when he feels comfortable enough to do so.
“I’m not sure entirely,” he mutters. It’s a lie, but Mike doesn’t need to know that. “I’ll have to message him on lunch break.”
He hears Mike hum in acknowledgment, seemingly accepting that answer. “Well, hopefully it’s nothing bad.” Mike returns his attention to his work also, leaving Erwin with his thoughts. Erwin fixes his gaze again back out the classroom window and on the now-empty space beyond the glass, thoughts drifting back to Levi again.
Hopefully everything’s okay, he thinks to himself. The way Levi looked at him, how he turned his face away from him as soon as his gaze met his own. No smile to be found. He can feel that something isn’t right.
He’ll message him later and find out the truth, see what he can do, if there is anything he can do.
The teacher calls the attention of the class, tells them all to turn to a specific page in their textbook and complete the assigned work there. Erwin pulls his thoughts back in and does his best to continue working, talking quietly along with Mike about the current curriculum.
Even so, his thoughts still seem to wander.
* * * * *
The drive to the hospital is silent. The static of radio talk shows and the steady sound of the tyres on rocky asphalt fill the silence between them.
Levi can feel his heart in his throat, his airways feel like they're closing on him but he does his best to keep his breath even and quiet. The entire way over he resists the urge to pick at the skin of his hands, but he can’t help it. His entire body itches, a feeling that crawls just under the surface of his skin, something he just can’t quite scratch. He grips onto his backpack that lies in his lap as he tries to keep himself from fidgeting, the fast and steady tap of his heel on the car floor inevitable at this point.
They pass by neighbourhoods, houses blurring together as one in Levi’s vision as he turns to stare out the window, leaning his head back against the seat. The skies are still grey, growing ever deeper in their shade as the day goes on. Thick clouds hover in the air above them, clouding any sunlight that may remain.
They pass by the playground he played at a lot when they first moved here. Memories flash before him of afternoons spent in her company in the open air of the park, and he remembers her laugh and warm smile. Always light and carefree in every way.
Happy memories that fade like the rust and chipped pain on the playground itself, aged by the weather over the years. Time has taken away its golden exterior, revealing the dull grey that lies beneath.
Kenny pulls into the Hospital parking lot, both of them pulling themselves from the car and making their way to the front entrance. They walk through the front doors and Levi picks up his steps as he nears the front desk.
“God, slow down kid.” Kenny's voice is defeated in its delivery, tired. There’s still a sense of urgency in it, but Levi can hear just how little Kenny wants to be here. Levi would be lying if he claimed he doesn’t feel the same.
Levi doesn’t pay much attention to his words, only giving him a quick look over his shoulder as he approaches the front desk.
“I'm here for Kuchel Ackerman. Which room is she in?” His voice breaks slightly at the end despite how hard he tries to keep his tone even. He does his best to keep his desperation at bay, but it slips out without his permission regardless. He needs to see her. He needs to know that she’s okay.
Kenny catches up and stands beside Levi as the receptionist clicks away at her computer to gather the information for him. He sucks in a quick breath, listening intently as she gives them directions to the room Kuchel is in before sending them on their way.
They make their way down the halls until they end up at her room. She is unconscious when they arrive, a nurse is standing at the base of her bed with a clipboard in their hands.
Levi stops in the doorway, his uncle knocking softly on the door frame, clearing his throat to alert the nurse of their presence. Kenny walks forward to greet them, Levi stays where he is. He stands there for a moment, cautiously and slowly entering the room to stand by her bedside.
He looks her over; tubes and wires cover her body, the standard multitude of beeping machines making their standard monotonous sounds. Even with the noise these machines produce, it’s still quiet with her awake.
The way she lays there, hands placed formally by her side; she looks so much smaller. So fragile. Levi takes notice of her face, takes note of how tired she looks. The usual glow she carries is fading, the darkness under her eyes growing deeper than he’s used to seeing.
He hears the nurse and his uncle exchanging words, thinks he can hear him offer a greeting to Levi as well but his attention is elsewhere.
Levi steps closer and takes his mum's hand in his own, taking this moment to fully and properly look at her, trying to understand how they got here .
She was tired this morning, sure, but he didn’t think anything of it. She always has her bad days where the fatigue gets the best of her, but she picks herself back up the next. Today should be one of those days. She shouldn’t be here, she just shouldn’t. Not again.
The nurse speaks, a series of words that catch Levi’s attention, and he truly wishes they didn’t.
“I don’t–... I don’t understand,” Kenny speaks next, tone questioning, the words almost tumbling out of his mouth. “She was fine yesterday, how ‘as she gotten worse already?”
One could assume it was anger that fills Kenny’s words, but Levi knows better. It’s confusion and fear, something he hides well from the unknowing, but not from Levi.
Levi turns his gaze toward where his uncle and the nurse are standing at the end of her bed, not letting go of his mother's hand.
“I know it can be hard to understand why, but even with her original prognosis given, things can always change. Cancers such as the one Ms Ackerman has—” Levi looks at the nurse as they pause for a moment, noticing Levi for a second before turning back to speak directly to his Uncle, words a little quieter. “Sometimes, they accelerate faster than originally estimated. With how compromised her immune system currently is and has been, we can only do our best to keep it at bay.”
“But Mr Ackerman,” the nurse continues, “I must let you know in complete honesty, that there is only so much we can do. Since she has, in the past, declined any more chemotherapy, there are limited options that we can currently work with. She is stable though, and we will keep her situation closely monitored. She may still be asleep for some time, but you are both welcome to stay.”
Levi listens the best he can. Whatever he’s hearing this nurse talk about though is the furthest from what he wants to hear.
He wishes he could curl up in on himself right now, sheltered and protected by his mother's arms. Wishes he could pretend that this is all a bad dream and that none of it is real; it’s just a bad dream. Maybe if he tries hard enough to convince himself of it, that is all it will end up being. He’ll wake up in his bed, call out to his mum, and she will come to him. She will ask him what's wrong, take him into her arms and hold him with all the care in the world.
The unfortunate truth is much further from his wishful thinking and hopeful reality, his ideal one moving further and further away from him with each day. His reality is cracking at the edges, slowly crumbling around him, and he’s all but helpless to stop it.
Levi looks at her hand in his, and for the first time — due to ignorance or denial — he notices how small it is. Her skin is cool to the touch but warming under his hold, but he can feel the bones of her hand under his fingers, protruding in what he thinks is a much more than normal amount. He sucks in a sharp breath and takes a seat in the chair at her bedside, laying her hand back down on the bed beside her, as he pulls his bag in close to his chest.
The nurse takes his leave, offering a polite smile to the both of them before exiting and shutting the door behind him. Levi watches Kenny's movements; watches as he slowly walks to the other chair opposite Kuchel's bed, slumping down into the seat, leaning forward to rest his head in his hands. He stays that way for a while, the both of them sitting in silence, before leaning back into the chair with a sigh as he drags his hands down over his face.
“What happened,” Levi asks quietly. He leaves a short silence before he asks again, “Why is she in here again.”
Kenny looks up at him for a short moment, eyes tired, turning his gaze over to where his sister lays in the bed.
“She was fine all mornin’, just a bit tired,” Kenny answers. Levi takes in how his uncle looks at his sister; face soft but tired, his hands laced together in his lap. “I heard a noise in the hall, ‘nd she just passed out. I couldn't wake her, so I called an ambulance.”
After a long silence only broken up by the steady hum of machines, Kenny stands and excuses himself to the bathroom.
Maybe it’s his childish ignorance or simply just denial, but Levi really didn’t think this would be happening again. Not so soon, or if ever, and not like this.
He just wants her home. To have her there, sitting with him in their living room during the afternoons, being able to feel her laughter vibrate through him, being able to see her smile at all the things that bring her joy.
To feel the warmth and love in her words, her hugs and good morning and goodnight kisses.
He just wants her happy and in the comfort of her own home.
But she’s not. She’s here in this hospital bed, again, and still unconscious. Laying here hooked up to these loud machines; the sound is even more irritating than it’s ever been.
Levi feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, pulling his thoughts back in. He opens it to a message from Erwin.
“What happened, is everything okay? Why did Kenny come to get you?”
He looks over the message and contemplates locking the screen and shoving it back into his pocket, but if there’s anyone he can talk to about this who will care and understand, it’s Erwin.
Levi types up his message.
“Mums back in the hospital. They said its bad. She’s not awake yet.”
Short but to the point. He sends it and locks his phone. He doesn’t feel like elaborating more right now, but he knows that Erwin will understand. It's only a moment longer before Erwin replies, and Levi opens it immediately.
“I'm sorry,” is what it reads. Another one comes through right after. “I hope she gets better. Let me know if you need anything.”
Levi smiles softly at that last message, typing back a quick “ thank you” before he puts his phone away in his bag, lifting his feet up onto the chair. He wraps his arms around his legs and rests against the backrest, closing his eyes and doing the best he can to ignore the sounds echoing through the hospital room.
* * * * *
He doesn't remember falling asleep, but he wakes a fair amount of time later with a light blanket covering his body. Kenny enters the room with bottled drinks in his hands, closing the door shut behind him, the sounds rustling Levi awake further
“Sorry kid, didn’t mean t’wake you,” Kenny says quietly, tired, handing over the iced tea drink in his hands. Peach flavour, one of Levi’s favourites. “Got you this for when y’woke up,” Kenny speaks softly, unscrewing his own drink of ginger beer as he sits back down into his chair, taking a long sip and setting it down on the floor beside him.
“Thanks,” Levi mumbles out, taking a sip for himself to rid the nasty post-nap taste in his mouth. It's a nice peach flavour, the sweetness rolling smoothly over his taste buds, still with the hint of black tea that lingers long after.
Levi fiddles with the bottle cap in his hands as he takes steady small sips, letting his still tired gaze roam around the room. He looks at his mum and notices she’s still unconscious. She must not have woken while he was asleep, she or Kenny would have woken him up if that happened.
He gives her face a full attentive look over from where he sits. Her skin looks tired and her eyes are slightly sunken, but despite everything, she looks peaceful. It’s almost as if sleep is the one true respite she gets from the hardships her life has and continues to throw at her.
He doesn't think he will ever be able to understand it. How could he? How is he ever supposed to come to some kind of acceptance with the fact that the best, most loving and giving people are the ones who are handed the most unfair obstacles?
If people supposedly get what they give, then of all people, his mum does not deserve this. Not ever.
His gaze trails to the wall clock, the time showing that he’d slept for at least an hour. School will be close to done, meaning his friends may start asking where he’s been, why he got taken out of school.
He doesn't want to ignore them, he knows he should especially let Hange and Moblit know something, but he just cannot handle that right now. They know a little bit about the situation, but he's never told them anywhere near as much as he has with Erwin.
He hears his uncle call out his name. He returns his attention back toward him, watching as he stands up and makes his way over to Levi's side of the bed.
“I know you probably wanna stay here, but I spoke to the doc ‘nd they said there’s nothin' we can do right now.”
Levi looks up at him and back over to his mum. Kenny continues on, voice quieter than usual.
“It’s best we get goin’ home for the night, the hospital will keep in touch if anythin’ happens overnight.”
Levi looks up at Kenny, nodding agreement. He looks at his mum a final time just wishing he could stay, but even he knows that right now there is no reason to.
The emptiness is evident as soon as they walk through the door. Nothing is truly different; everything in the house is as it was left when Levi left this morning, aside from the absence of his mothers presence. Levi heads to his room, bag left by the door as he shuts it behind him. He throws himself onto his bed, pulling out his phone to check for messages.
Notifications light up his screen as he unlocks it, a few messages from Hange and Mike and another from Erwin.
Hange especially he expected to be wondering why he ditched out of class and school for the rest of the day, and he’s sure Mike saw him walking past his and Erwin’s classroom too.
He opens Hange’s message first.
“Levi why didn't you end up back at class? Is everything alright? Erwin said he saw you leaving with your uncle but he won’t tell me anything else.”
He smiles to himself, forever appreciative of Erwin. He could so easily tell their friends what's going on, he already knows more than enough to inform them, but he doesn't.
Mike must have asked Erwin what happened too when he walked by that class he shares with Erwin.
Mike offers up a simple “Hope everything's alright man.”
He feels bad when he ignores everyone but Erwin, but it's easier with him than anyone else. There’s less he has to explain, and Erwin just understands. He’ll reply to them both later, but for now, Levi opens Erwin’s message.
“Hey, I hope everything is still okay. Dad said if you and your uncle need anything just let us know.”
Erwin knows, and he cares. He understands. He doesn't push or prod, he simply lets Levi be in his own space. He doesn't think he’s ever felt more grateful for that than he is right now. Erwin knows that Levi will come to him when he needs that comfort.
Erwin understands the pain of losing a mother, and while Levi’s mum is still alive, he knows that Erwin can understand him. Empathise with him. He knows and understands in a way his other friends just can't.
Levi smiles at his phone, a small one, but still a smile. He lets his fingers hover over his screen, tapping out a short message in response.
“Thank you. A lot. I’ll let you know if we do.”
Within a few moments, there's a reply from Erwin.
“Please do.”
He smiles to himself still, locking his phone and laying it down on the bed beside him. There’s a knock on his bedroom door, Kenny poking his body around the edge of it.
“Hey, kid. Dinner’s on its way soon,” is all he says, lingering at the door for a second more. Levi says a small thanks and Kenny nods, shutting the door behind him as he leaves.
Levi remains in his room a while longer, staring at the ceiling and letting his thoughts just fizzle into nothing. He decides a shower is a good idea, heaving himself up off his bed and to the bathroom down the hall. He hears a news station playing down the hall, looking to see his Uncle slumped on the couch with a beer in hand. He turns and continues to the bathroom.
He showers quickly but thoroughly and returns to his room to dress himself in warm night clothes, the end of Autumn is coming up, Winter slowly showing its chilly head.
His uncle knocks on his door again to let him know their food has arrived. He heads out and joins his uncle in the living room where they both eat in relative silence, the television sounds hardly audible to Levi’s ears, each word spoken merely a simple distraction from his own thoughts.
* * * * *
He wakes up that next morning, laying under the covers with his eyes half-open as the Saturday morning sun settles in warm streams through his window and onto the floor, warm yellow light slowly pulling him into the world of the living.
He remembers forgetting to respond to Hange and Mike, and feels terrible for it.
He rolls over and grabs his phone from his bedside table, sending the both of them a similar message, letting them know that he will update them fully soon. He tells them that his mum is sick, thanks them for caring, and leaves it at that for now.
He receives replies back from them both not too long after each other, telling him that they just hope everything is okay. He wonders if perhaps Erwin has said something to them, to get Hange especially to ease off with potential questions. He doesn’t think he would, he knows Erwin respects his wishes to not talk about it too much, but he wouldn’t be mad if he did. It would save Levi from having to be the one to bring it all up.
Eventually, Levi pulls himself from his bed, stretching out his limbs and yawing into the air, going about his usual weekend morning routine. Showering, dressing, making his bed and then breakfast. He opts for something simple: black tea, two pieces of toast and some fruit.
He has himself wrapped up in a light throw blanket on the couch, paying very little attention to what's on the screen as he hears Kenny speaking on the phone in the kitchen behind him.
Kenny speaks for a few minutes, Levi turning around to look at him, and he hangs up with a warm thank you. He leans back against the kitchen counter huffing out a small sigh, sounding something like relief, turning to face Levi where he’s looking curiously at his Uncle from the living room.
His uncle speaks, a small smile on his lips.
“Kuchel’s awake.” Levi watches Kenny's mouth turn into a full smile as he sighs out in relief once more as the words leave him. He pushes off the edge of the countertop, walking his way to the spare seat beside Levi.
“Can we go see her?” Levi asks as soon as his Uncle sits beside him, hope flooding his chest. Kenny turns to face him and nods.
“They uh, said she’s still quite drowsy, but yeah, we can.”
Kenny leans back against the couch, head resting against the backrest as he closes his eyes.
Levi smiles, taking another bite of his food as he sinks back down into the couch, hopefulness filling his mind again. A naive thing, really, but it's all he has to cling to.
She’s awake when they arrive about an hour later, though like Kenny had been told, she is only just. It’s very apparent from the moment they enter, the sound of the door and their footsteps hardly rousing her from where she lays.
Levi walks straight up to her side, Kenny not too far behind him. His mum turns to face him with tired eyes, but a smile on her face still.
“Hey, you two,” she speaks, voice raspy. She holds her arms up to Levi and pulls him down, both limbs pulled as tight as she can around him to which Levi returns the best he can, burying his head in the crook of her neck.
He does his best to keep himself even, keep his emotions in check, but when he feels her weakened embrace tighten, the facade all but falters.
He doesn't cry, though the tears threaten to break through still. He breathes a few shaky breaths against the pillows, only causing his mother to hold him tighter.
“I'm sorry honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Her voice sounds tired, weak. She presses a kiss against the side of his head, and he can only nod in response.
He pulls away, wiping his hand over his nose. He stands back and gives her a very weak attempt at a full smile as he sits back in the chair behind him.
“Hey sis,” Kenny leans down for a hug, Kuchel returning it just as much, eventually letting go as Kenny moves to sit down in the chair by her bedside. He leaves a kiss on the side of her head, the action makes Kuchel smile.
Talking is an effort for her, that much is obvious.
Still, she does her best to make conversation; asks him about his day yesterday, asks about his assignments and schoolwork, and somehow Levi ends up bringing up Marie’s party too.
He mentions that he’s not sure he wants to go anymore, yet his mum still encourages him to go.
“I’m sure you’ll have fun,” she says with a smile, “especially with all your friends there. Erwin is going too?”
Levi shies away from that question, only responding with a nod. Kuchel smiles brighter.
“Well,” she continues, face lighting up more than it has their entire visit. She reaches out, squeezes Levi's hand, “I think you should still go.”
His uncle chuckles in response, Levi shooting him a sharp glare in response. Kuchel scolds her brother for it but Kenny just laughs, standing to use the bathroom, rusting Levi’s hair as he walks past him.
Levi’s ears burn red and his cheeks feel hot, hopefully not visible in his expression.
They stay by her for a few more hours into the afternoon, eventually deciding to leave when the nurses return to bring Kuchel her dinner.
Levi feels like they could stay longer — he would really like to — but Kenny says it’s best they leave for the night to let her rest properly, and that they can return tomorrow.
Levi knows he’s right so he agrees, leaving his mother with a kiss goodbye, their “I love you” and “see you tomorrow” exchanged within tight hugs, the words still lingering on Levi’s mind long after the hospital disappears behind them.
The following days remain the same routine.
School holidays have arrived, leaving them with all the time available to them to visit Kuchel in hospital; which is what they do. They visit just after midday and stay until late afternoon just before sunset, then repeat the next day.
More on Levi’s request, but Kenny doesn’t decline.
Each day her fatigue is still just as evident, almost more than the last, though she does her best to fight it off. It lingers like a bad cough. It’s hard for her to keep her eyes open for too long, barely able to escape the grip that fatigue has on her. Though, she still smiles and laughs, talks with Levi and Kenny, her light not snuffed out just yet.
* * * * *
He spends some time with Erwin that next weekend, the two of them in Erwin’s bedroom having a movie marathon of sorts. Neil has remained downstairs the entire day, only making his way upstairs to alert the two boys that he will be leaving shortly to run a few errands.
Levi truly is doing his best to enjoy his time with Erwin, to not focus too much on everything else. It is hard to ignore completely, to not feel guilt for letting himself enjoy other things, but being with Erwin makes it easier. Besides, he knows his mum would want him to spend time and have fun with friends.
Before Levi arrived that day, Erwin had gone ahead and collected an assortment of food and snacks for them, as well as a list of movies for them to choose from throughout the day and into the night. He even told him on the phone the night before that they were going to do nothing but watch movies and eat shitty food, so much so that Levi would feel so sick he wouldn’t even let himself be sad.
“We’ll eat so much food, you'll feel too sick to be sad,” Erwin said, exaggerating his voice into a tone that Levi would know was playful.
Levi laughed as he laid on his side, phone on speaker beside him, smile almost reaching his ears.
“I don’t think that's how that works,” Levi said, “but yeah. It’ll be nice.”
“I hope so,” Erwin's tone fell slightly serious, but Levi was still able to hear that familiar warmth in his words.
“How was she today?” Erwin eventually asked, that seriousness taking over a bit more.
Levi thought it over, rolled onto his back as he did with his arms crossed over his stomach.
“Considering it all... She’s as okay as she can be.” He was surprised at how easy it felt for him to say. He knew when he spoke it out loud that things most definitely weren't great with his Mum. She had spent most of their visits tired and barely able to keep her eyes open, keeping conversations up wasn't easy for her, Levi and his uncle doing most of the talking. When they weren’t talking, they would sit in silence with each other, watching whatever show was entertaining enough at the time.
“She’s still just so tired— I don’t get it,” his voice had gone quiet, cracking oh so slightly at the end. Maybe Levi wasn’t as ready to talk about it as he thought he was.
“God,” Levi chuckled, pressed the palm of his hands to his eyes, “really bringing down that happy mood, huh.”
Erwin laughed quietly. “It’s understandable,” he said, “hopefully tomorrow is a nice distraction.”
Levi’s cheeks warmed as his chest fluttered, slowly overtaking the space inside him where sadness currently lived.
“Yeah, I think it will help.”
Erwin now groans bedside him as he stretches out his limbs, suppressing a yawn with his palm. Erwin eases himself back into a comfortable spot on his bed where the both of them are sat, resting back against the pillows behind them. Levi swears he’s sitting closer than before.
He can feel that familiar warmth settle in his chest, a feeling that grows as Erwins legs rest up against his own. Erwin clears his throat, and from his peripheral he can see Erwin looking at him only to avert it back toward the television.
Levi can read Erwin pretty well, and it isn't like anything is wrong, but Erwin is most definitely acting a little off compared to how he usually is. Even when Levi had arrived here this morning, Erwin was acting fidgety, almost restless— anxious, perhaps? Erwin isn’t ever anxious though, and it makes no sense for Erwin to be feeling that way when it’s just him here.
Erwin sinks further down onto the bed, turning to his side as they continue watching one of the many movies of their marathon, some new horror that neither has seen before. Levi turns to him, watches him for a short moment before he returns his gaze back once again to the movie on screen.
“So,” Erwin starts, rolling onto his back and crossing his arms over his chest, angling his head to look up at Levi. His voice is calm, relaxed. Eyes warm and inviting. “Marie's party is next week.” It’s more a question than a statement.
Levi had almost forgotten already. He only spoke about it with his mum the other day, but it’s the last thing on his mind at this point. He thought he wanted to go, especially because Erwin was still going to attend as far as he was aware at this point.
“I’m not sure if I’m going. Maybe? Haven't thought about it much.”
“Well, if you don’t go, I’m not either,” Erwin says. “Simple as that.”
Levi looks at him then, sees the smile on Erwin’s face. A small one tugging at his lips, gentle eyes warm and kind, looking right back at him.
Levi bows his head and chuckles lightly, playful sarcasm on the tip of his tongue. “Skipping a party because I might not go? Sounds like a stupid idea.”
“If you’re not there, then that’s just not fun.”
Levi scoffs, pulling the pillow out from under Erwin’s head and throwing it at his face.
“Again, like I said. Stupid idea.”
Erwin shoves the pillow back at Levi before pulling it back under his head, and he laughs. It’s a bright, genuine thing, the type of laugh that makes every nerve in Levi’s body come alight. A sound so bright, so warm and lovely, it could light up an entire room on its own.
Levi's cheeks feel warm, and Erwin is looking at him now. No sounds, no words, only the movie left playing as if its only purpose is background noise.
“Well,” Erwin begins, “I like spending time with you, and you can’t convince me otherwise. If you aren’t going, then neither am I.”
Levi gnaws at the inside of his lip, turning his head away as he rolls his eyes, settling down further into the comfort of the bed until he’s at Erwin’s level.
He turns his head to look back at Erwin again, fighting at the smile playing on his lips. “Me too.”
Erwin is still smiling at him, softly, face close enough now for Levi to see the faint remnants of freckles dusting his cheeks. His hair reflects the afternoon light like gold, flecks of sun shimmering in his vision. Levi can also make out that tiny scar just above his lip, a reminder of the time he fell face-first into the curb while trying to learn how to skateboard. He never tried again after that.
“Um…” Levi mumbles out, looking into Erwin’s eyes, deep blue looking right back at him, face even closer again.
Erwin doesn't say anything, he just looks at him. Levi’s heart picks up speed in his chest, working its way up to his throat and he swears it could jump right out if he spoke another word.
There's a knock at the door, the sound pulling Levi backward, Erwin doing the same. He can hear Erwin clearing his throat softly before he tells the person at the door — assumingly his dad — to come in.
The door opens with a slight creak, Neil poking his head around the corner quickly to ask if they want to order pizza for dinner. Erwin says yes to his dad's inquiry and Levi simply nods with a smile in agreement. With that, Neil smiles back and closes the door shut, leaving the two boys alone once more.
He’s not sure what just happened, or why. Erwin was… so close to him. Not an unusual thing, mostly. They’ve been friends for so long now that personal space isn't something they're afraid to invade, but this time felt off — different. Different in a way that makes his cheeks warm, his ears burn, and his tummy is left feeling like it’s swarming with butterflies.
He swears he hears Erwin mumble something, but he can’t make out the words.
“Say something?” Levi asks, and when Erwin looks at him, his cheeks have the faintest dusting of pink. Erwin chuckles.
“Oh, nothing. I uh— do you want to watch something else?”
Levi just nods, sits back on the mattress as Erwin chooses a different movie. When Erwin settles back down on the bed, his arm ends up resting just by Levi’s thigh, and Erwin doesn't move it away.
About a half-hour later their dinner arrives, Neil calling the boys downstairs to eat before it gets cold. They eat to casual conversation and the sound of music playing, something from Neil’s collection. They finish eating and both help to tidy up before returning upstairs, cleaning themselves up and returning to Erwin’s room to continue the rest of their movie night.
They're awake for hours, long after Erwin’s dad has gone to sleep, and the moment from earlier is still lingering on Levi’s mind. He feels a little embarrassed when his mind drifts back to it, but Erwin hasn't said anything or made it awkward, which is the best thing he could hope for. He wonders if Erwin also feels a little embarrassed himself, or if everything is just in Levi’s head.
They get their way through a few more movies before Levi starts having trouble keeping his eyes open. He does his best though; he’s really enjoying this one. But even with his best efforts, he can’t seem to keep his eyes open for too long, and both he and Erwin decide to call it a night.
They crawl under the covers, light from the television gone, leaving only the calm darkness of night around them
“Hey, Levi?” Erwin speaks quietly in the darkness, and Levi turns fully onto his side to face him. Erwin’s eyes are soft in the way they look back at him, and Levi watches as he adjusts his position so he’s completely facing him too.
“Yeah?” Levi whispers, only just keeping himself awake. He can feel himself growing more tired, the calm of night pulling him further under.
There’s quiet, the whirring fan above them the only thing breaking the silence.
“Can I ask you something?” Erwin's voice is low. He shuffles himself under the covers, his face closer.
“Sure,” Levi replies, softly, feeling anxious but eager at Erwin’s question. His vision adjusts to the darkness and with what limited vision he has, he can see Erwin’s eyes on him. He can feel his heart rate picking up, his stomach fluttering and his cheeks feel extra warm despite the chill that this late-autumn night brings.
“Well,” he can hear Erwin clearing his throat, “about earlier,” he takes another pause, longer this time. It feels like he’s worrying over his words.
“About earlier,” Levi repeats back to him; a quiet question, barely a whisper from his own lips.
“When I said I like being around you,” another pause, “I uh— I meant it.”
Levi is silent for a moment, looking back into Erwin’s eyes, soft blue barely visible in the dark. He doesn't want to look away this time.
“So did I,” he replies, and Erwin smiles at him. That warm smile, just for him. A light in the darkness in so many more ways than one.
“But, I also mean it more than… more than a friend.” There’s a short silence, but Erwin continues, “and I— I wanted to know if you felt that too.”
Erwin doesn't say more, and Levi finds himself unable to form any words himself, but he manages to choke them out eventually.
“I do too,” Levi speaks the words so silently he fears Erwin can’t hear him, but when his eyes flutter shut, his smile now larger than life itself; he knows he heard him just fine.
They're words he's always wanted to say, god, ones he's always wanted to hear too. Words he knows he’s felt himself for so long now, but… Erwin does too? He never—
“I was… well, too scared to say anything.” Levi can’t believe what he’s hearing, but Erwin isn’t done yet. “I didn’t want it to hurt our friendship,” Erwin whispers, “I didn’t want to lose you if you didn’t feel the same.”
Levi’s heart is thumping away in his ears making it near impossible for him to hear those words correctly. He did hear them correctly though, right? Erwin, of all people, was scared to tell him?
His throat feels tight, his chest tingles, and his entire face fills with heat. And god, he’s glad it’s dark. Even with their joint confession, he doesn't want Erwin to see his face right now.
That's what it is too, isn’t it? A confession. Something Levi has held onto for… god knows how long now, and it's a reciprocated emotion at that. It’s all he can do to murmur a response back, the silence absolutely deafening.
“I wouldn’t want to lose you, either.”
Erwin continues to smile, so contagious that Levi finds himself smiling back. He runs his teeth over his bottom lip, biting down on it in an attempt to suppress it, but it’s fruitless. He feels lighter than air itself. It’s closing in on winter and he’s never felt warmer. On top of that, he’s happy. With everything in his life right now, he feels pure untainted happiness for the first time in a very long time; all because of Erwin.
Erwin moves a little closer, pulling his arm out from under the blankets and resting it just by Levi’s shoulder, brushing over his hand where it’s tucked up by his chest.
“I have another question, too,” Erwin asks softly, brushing his hand against his again. Only just, but it’s enough to make his heart act up again. His gaze is still set on Levi, searching him out in the darkness.
Levi looks at him, doesn't look away as he waits for this question, trying his best to level his heartbeat and even out his breathing to a more human level.
He finds their faces closer now, somehow even closer than before. Erwin’s words are soft, like a wish finally granted.
“Can I kiss you?”
It is but a whisper, and it's all Levi can do to nod his head as Erwin’s face moves closer. Erwin’s hand finds his cheek, palm covering the side of his face, holding him softly as he closes the distance. The sensations make his skin tingle, and when their lips finally meet, Levi closes his eyes and lets himself be pulled in.
Erwin's lips are soft and sweet, just like him, and even though Levi doesn't really know what he’s doing — he’s not sure Erwin does either — their lips move together like two halves of one whole.
It’s chaste, something to test the waters. Their lips glide over each other, soft presses against equally soft skin.
Levi feels Erwin pull away first. When he opens his eyes he sees Erwin smiling, and as if on instinct, he smiles too.
Erwin’s smile isn't a wide one, but it is something soft, something like… adoration. Love of some kind, perhaps. Maybe he’s not in love, but it gives Levi a feeling similar enough.
Levi knows he loves Erwin, he feels it deep in his chest every time he’s around. Every time Erwin laughs, every time he smiles, it makes that feeling deep down ache even more each time.
And maybe it’s not actually love, but right here and now in this moment, the dark and silence encasing them in their own little world — Erwin’s hand on his cheek, his eyes gazing right into his own, his face with a smile so fond — Levi can let himself imagine it.
Levi tucks in his chin and smiles to himself, looking up through his lashes slightly. Erwin is looking at him still, and still so close. With a wordless question, Levi answers, letting Erwin in once again.
Levi brings his own hands to Erwin’s face, skin soft to the touch, as their lips meet again once more. Erwin is so tender, gentle in the way he’s handling this. Levi doesn’t have anything else to compare it with — he’s never kissed anyone before — but the way Erwin holds his face and presses his lips against his with slight force but nothing too excessive, is enough to make him feel like he’s spinning, and he wants more.
Everything he’s ever seen or read about kissing someone says that “you’ll know what to do when the moment happens,” which at the time he thought was a bunch of lies, but it turns out it's not completely wrong.
He lets his body guide him, moving along with Erwin, in sync with each other's movements. He feels light, his chest pumping and head spinning and he could happily stay in this feeling forever.
Even when Erwin pulls away again, he’s still smiling. Levi smiles too.
“I… that was really nice,” Erwin says, still smiling. “Thank you,” his words are warmer than ever, so kind and full of warmth but Levi can’t help but chuckle.
“You’re thanking me for kissing you?” Levi asks, playful in delivery. Their hands are still resting on each other's cheeks.
“Yeah. I’ve… wanted it for a while.” Erwin looks at him still, words so soft and quiet, tender, tucking a hair behind his ear. “So, thank you.” The action makes Levi’s tummy flutter even more.
Levi is still smiling as a small yawn escapes him.
“I guess we should sleep,” Erwin whispers, and Levi nods. Erwin shuffles himself closer, moves his hand from Levi’s cheek, taking Levi’s hand in his.
Levi closes his eyes, hearing Erwin breathing steady right in front of him. Erwin squeezes Levi’s hand lightly, letting out a tired but content exhale as they both eventually drift off to sleep.
* * * * *
The room is comfortably warm by morning, crisp late-autumn chill still fills the air. Erwin's head is shoved uncomfortably in between Levi’s shoulder blades with his arm draped lazily over his middle. Levi tries to move just enough so Erwin isn’t poking his nose into the bumps of his spine.
He sighs, nestles into the touch, feeling Erwin stir behind him. He doesn't wake— at least he doesn't speak — but Levi feels Erwin’s arm tighten around his waist as he’s pulled in closer into his body.
Levi moves slowly as he reaches back to hold onto the arm around his waist, careful not to wake Erwin as he does. He wants to savour this moment, to bask in the warmth that Erwin’s body brings being so close to him.
A new feeling overcomes him, a sensation that spreads through his body, stemming from his stomach. It makes him tingle from the inside out.
It almost feels like a dream; something out of his wildest ones, because there is just no way that Erwin likes him, and asked to kiss him. But he does like him and he did ask to kiss him, both memories bringing heat to his cheeks and tightness to his chest once again. He finds himself smiling uncontrollably at it, burying his face into the pillows to hide, even though he knows Erwin can’t see.
Levi closes his eyes, breathing out a content sigh of his own. He thinks back to last night, to Erwin's lips on his, the taste, his palm on his cheek. The glimmer in Erwin’s eyes when he pulled back, the warmth of his smile. Now, he focuses on the warm body pressed up behind him, arm wrapped firmly around his waist, and on the faint breathing that he feels in small even puffs on his shirt from where Erwin’s face is pressed against his back.
He stays in that moment, content, Erwin eventually rousing himself awake a few minutes later. A small string of incoherent mumbles escapes him as he stretches his limbs out, groaning out a relieved sigh as he also tightens the grip he holds around Levi’s waist.
Eventually, he removes his arm. Levi can’t deny that the contact is already missed, but as soon as Levi rolls himself to face Erwin, seeing him fresh from sleep with eyes still barely open, hand rubbing lazily at his face, it’s all worth it.
“Morning,” Levi mumbles out, warmth filling his cheeks as he looks Erwin over.
Erwin looks at him through half-lidded eyes, smiling, humming out a soft string of words as he shuffles his head back up to the pillows, “Good morning.”
There are crease marks on Erwin’s face from where he’s been pressed into the bedsheets, a slight redness dusting his cheek from where it was so forcefully pressed against Levi’s back, too. Erwin’s eyes are hardly open as he looks back at him, gaze as warm as ever, a groggy smile gracing his features as he adjusts his position beside Levi.
Levi pulls his gaze away, moving to sit himself up against the headrest of the bed. He keeps his gaze settled on his hands as he fiddles around with his fingers in his lap. Erwin follows his lead, sitting up to face him, legs crossed with his full attention on levi.
“Everything okay?” Erwin asks, still sleepy, and Levi looks at him, smiling softly.
“Yeah. I mean, last night,” he pauses, a little unsure, but he continues, “we… kissed.”
Erwin looks a little bashful, his gaze shying away for a moment before returning to him.
“Yeah,” he says, smiling, “Yeah we did.”
Levi smiles at his hands, giving Erwin a quick side glance, still smiling.
“That was still okay?” Erwin asks, a slight hint of concern, or maybe worry, in his words. As if he’s worried Levi would regret it by now. How could he though, when all he’s wanted is for Erwin to feel the same?
Levi nods, smile tugging at his lips even more, speaking the words into his lap. “Yeah. It’s okay”
“Is it something else then?” Erwin asks again, shuffling closer and reaching out to him with one hand, resting it gently on his leg over the sheets.
Levi looks at Erwin, expression unsure as he thinks over how to word his statement without sounding ridiculous. Though he knows there’s no way to dodge that, since there are no other words to ask what he wants to know. His stomach begins to turn, but he breathes in to push that feeling down.
“I uh— I liked it. Of course. But… what does it mean?” he says, pausing briefly, “with us?”
Erwin pauses too, seems to be thinking up an answer. His hand doesn't move from his knee but his gaze does wander down to the sheets, eyes scanning the sheets as he ponders his response.
“If I’m being fully honest. I should've asked you that myself,” he chuckles, smiles, wide and inviting, before pulling his hand from Levi’s leg to rub his knuckles nervously over his own mouth, returning both hands to his lap.
“I do really like you,” he pauses, and Levi finds himself holding his breath, heat rising in his cheeks and a bubbly feeling pooling in his stomach, “and I would want us to be… more than just friends. If you would also like that?” Another question at the end, but Levi already knows his answer.
He had never thought this would amount to anything. He’s known what he’s felt for Erwin has been real. Of course, he always hoped his feelings could blossom into something real between them, but he always thought that to be nothing but a dream. Erwin is his friend, his best friend, first and foremost before anything else, and has been that to him for years now. And as much as it was something he always wanted to be more, he never imagined Erwin actually reciprocating.
Yet he sits here in bed beside his best friend, listening as he tells him that he would want to be more than just friends; and who is Levi to refuse when that is all he’s ever wanted?
He can feel just how wide his smile grows, turning rather bashful and embarrassed with the amount of emotion he’s showing; but Erwin is smiling just as wide right back at him as he answers Erwin’s question — an enthusiastic nod in agreement, a wordless yes.
Erwin doesn't hesitate to pull Levi into an embrace, something fresh and warm as Erwin wraps his arms around his body, Levi doing the same in return. He breathes him in, the smell comforting and like home.
His face falls naturally into the crook of Erwins neck, both of them staying that way comfortably in each other’s arms, Levi closing his eyes and holding him tighter.
“I'm glad,” Erwin says, words mumbled against the side of his head. He sounds so happy, like this is something he’s also truly wanted, and that feeling alone could make Levi burst.
“Me too,” Levi mumbles back.
Erwin lets go first just like the night before. He’s slow to move back, Levi feels he doesn’t want to let go, but he pulls away with a smile, hands dragging softly over Levi’s arms as he does. One hand moves to Levi’s face and pushes his hair out of his eyes, and while Levi thinks the act is sweet, one that makes his chest tingle, he lets out an amused huff at the action itself. Erwin just smiles.
“Can I kiss you again?” Erwin asks, more sure now.
Levi scrunches his nose, contemplating it for a moment; the thought of his morning breath clouding that decision. He wants to, god does he ever, but maybe that can wait for now.
“If you brush your teeth, maybe,” he retorts, still smiling, and the comment makes Erwin laugh a little too.
“Okay, that’s fair,” an airy chuckle slips from his lips followed by a yawn. Still, Erwin moves his arms to wrap around Levi’s waist, and Levi wraps his arms around Erwin’s waist too, eventually sliding his arms back to settle his palms at the base of Erwin’s hips.
Erwin leans in and kisses his cheek instead, then removing himself from the bed as he excuses himself to the bathroom. The sensation still lingers even as he watches Erwin close the door behind him.
They take turns showing and readying themselves for the day. They both decide on pancakes for breakfast, a simple recipe topped with maple syrup.
Neil comments on Erwin’s mood, jokingly saying “You woke up on the right side of the bed today.”
Erwin only replies with a simple “I guess,” as he makes his way around the kitchen gathering utensils for the two of them to eat with, though Levi can see the smile fighting its way onto Erwin’s face. Seems he can’t fight it off, though Levi isn't any different either.
Levi wonders if Erwin’s dad can tell, watching as he turns his attention away from the two of them with a small shake of the head, focus returning to his coffee and morning television.
They cleanup their messes once they finish their food, returning back to Erwin’s room and continuing their movie where they left off the night before. They sit against the headrest, getting comfortable as Erwin presses play.
Levi notices how Erwin is more relaxed, more open in the way he moves up against Levi, as if their small confessions brought down a wall between them, one he didn’t realise was there to begin with.
Erwin yawns beside him as he moves to lay down instead, moving the pillow behind his head to prop his head against Levi’s leg. As if on instinct, like it’s something natural to him, Levi reaches out and touches Erwin’s hair, threading his fingers through it softly. His hair is always silky, golden and soft like an afternoon sun's glow.
“You comfy there?” Levi says, fingers still combing through the blond head of hair below him.
“Mhmm, very much so,” Erwin responds, voice tired but content, words mumbled into the pillow.
“I can tell,” Levi says, fondly. He looks down at Erwin with soft eyes, and even though he can’t see his face from this angle, he can’t look away. He runs his fingers through his hair still, tracking them down to his shoulder and resting his palm there. Erwin reaches up and takes Levi’s hand in his own, fingers tracing soft patterns on the back of his hand. Such a simple action but it fills him with so much joy.
All it took was a confession from them both, and now Erwin is giving Levi all he’s ever wanted from him. It’s such mild affection; the closer contact, his head in his lap, carding his fingers through his hair, but it’s all so new now. Comfortable, would be the best way for Levi to describe it.
All these feelings he’s held in, the amount of care he’s felt for Erwin for so long now, he doesn't have to hold them in anymore.
There's a knock at the door, Neil opens it without waiting for an answer from his son. Unusual. There's a look of worry in his eyes as he enters, tucking his phone into his pockets once he’s fully inside, the door shutting silently behind him.
Erwin sits upright, quickly, asking his father what's wrong. He must see the worry, too.
“That was your uncle,” he says, attention directed at Levi this time. His voice is calm; collected, but Levi is no stranger to the tone in these words. He can see it in his eyes, he can see it in the way his body stiffens, the tense set of his shoulders
His stomach drops and his throat is suddenly dry. His heart weighs heavy in his chest as he waits to hear the words he knows are coming.
“What did he call for?” Erwin's voice is quiet as he asks the question that Levi can't verbalise, and his dad seems to understand. He’s even more thankful for Erwin right now, being his voice when he has none.
Neil closes the distance and sits on the edge of the bed next to Levi. “It’s about your mother,” he says, voice low. “He asked if I could bring you into the hospital. He’s already there.”
Levi looks at Neil, then to Erwin and back again to Neil.
“We can go there and stay with him, right dad?” Erwin asks, though it's barely a question that Erwin will take no as an answer for.
“Of course, we can,” Neil replies, offering a soft smile to both of them. “I’ll be downstairs when you want to come down. We can leave when you’re ready.” Neil pulls Levi into a quick hug before leaving the room.
Erwin moves closer to him, resting a hand on his leg in comfort. He doesn’t say anything yet, but Levi prefers the silence.
“Did you want to bring anything with you?” Erwin eventually asks, scooting closer to him on the bed. Levi pulls his gaze up to Erwin’s, and he hates how he’s looking at him. It’s not pity — it never is — but he can see the sadness seeping through. Some type of worry, the same that his father wore a few moments before.
“Uh, no,” he pauses, shakes his head, “Can I just leave my stuff here for now?” he says, voice quiet and on the verge of breaking. He persists.
“Of course,” is all Erwin says, but it’s all Levi needs. Levi nods, an agreement to Erwin and also an encouragement to himself as he moves off the bed. He takes his phone from the nightstand and shoves it into his pant pockets, taking a spare jacket from his overnight bag just in case. Erwin doest the same, slipping on a sweater himself, both making their way downstairs where Neil is waiting for them.
The radio plays in the car on the way there, but it's hardly enough of a distraction to help keep his running thoughts at bay. He sits in the backseat with his head against Erwin’s shoulder, body slumped back into the seat, Erwin's head resting on top of his too. Erwin reaches over to take Levi's hand in his, simply holding it in his lap in another act of comfort.
He finds it hard to pull himself from the car when they arrive, and each step he takes toward the building and through those front doors feels wrong. His body is heavy as he makes his way to his mothers room, his steps speeding up slowly the closer he gets.
Of course, Kenny is there when they arrive and standing against the wall across his mother’s bedside. His mum is not awake.
Instead, there’s more tubes and wires attached to her body, to her skin. Machines beep their usual monotonous sounds, an ache forming at the base of Levi’s skull at the sound of it all.
Kenny wears worry on his face like a second skin, and even as he looks at Levi he doesn’t try to hide it. He always tries to hide it, has always tried to keep his more intense emotions at bay, especially around Levi. This time though, he wears it freely, whether that’s of his own volition or not, Levi isn’t sure. But, he can see the hurt in his Uncle’s expression; the slight downturn of his lips, the weight of it all under his eyes. It makes Levi’s chest ache.
“Don't just stand in the doorway,” Kenny starts, voice calm. Not meant to be rude, though sometimes the distinction can be hard.
Levi makes his way in, though Erwin’s dad still stands closer by the door as if out of respect. Levi looks over his shoulder at both Neil and Erwin behind him, gaze settling on Erwin in a silent plea to follow him. And Erwin does, walking behind him just slightly.
He makes his way into the room, tentative steps made closer to his uncle. He doesn’t dare look at his mum properly, not just yet.
“Thanks,” Kenny says, words quiet and directed at Neil, ”there’s a seat there if you’d wanna take it.”
Neil accepts the offer kindly.
Kenny explains to Levi as best he can what happened, how they ended up here again. There is so much that Levi doesn’t understand, both in this situation and his own emotions, but all he pulls away from it is that his mum isn’t well, somehow even worse than before.
All they can do is wait.
There isn’t much to do in a hospital room, something that Levi is all but used to by now, but with Erwin here with him too he feels bad for bringing him into this.
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want,” Levi says softly, tired and dejected, but the last thing he wants is to make Erwin feel like he needs to stay.
“I’m staying,” Erwin states, intentions firm. He leaves no room for objection, so Levi just nods and smiles back at him, Erwin wrapping his arm around Levi’s shoulder from where they’re sitting on the available chair; Levi in the seat itself while Erwin sits on the arm of it, his cheek coming to rest against Levi’s head.
Neil leaves for a few hours to take care of some things at home, returning just before sunset, giving Erwin some money to buy the both of them food. He offers the same to Kenny, though he declines, claiming he isn't hungry.
Levi thanks him, leaving the hospital room with Erwin, the money that Neil gave them in Erwin’s hand. He walks side by side with Erwin down the halls, passing only a few people and hospital workers as they make their way toward the building's cafeteria.
He’s not feeling hungry right now, but all he has had is breakfast at Erwin’s, so he knows he needs to get something more in his stomach.
There’s no one in line when they arrive so they make their way right to the cafeteria window, ordering their meals and taking a seat at the nearest table until their order is called.
Tonight feels different somehow, and he can't shake the feeling in his chest. He’s hopeful. And whether it’s naive or dumb to be hopeful, it's all he has.
Maybe she’ll get better, she’ll be out in no time, Levi thinks to himself.
She’s come home before, this will be the same.
It’s relatively quiet here, save for the standard clatter of cafe sounds and machines and the quiet chatter of the few other patrons scattered throughout the seating area.
Their orders are called and they eat mostly in silence. It’s comfortable; it always is. Levi knows he doesn't need to speak to fill the silence, and Erwin knows the same.
They throw their rubbish in the bin when they’re finished, making their way back to his mothers room. When they arrive around the corner of the hallway the room is located, Neil is already walking in their direction.
The closer they get, the better Levi can see his face, and when Neil looks at the two of them the first thing that Levi sees is tears, and his heart instantly drops. He almost stops his movements, but something pulls him forward still.
Neil slows his steps, lets the two of them catch up. He has never seen Erwin’s dad cry, not once in all the years he’s known them. Neil doesnt say anything, but Levi doubts there are any words he could say anyway that would change anything.
So Levi walks past him, sparing Neil only a short look as he walks by him and into the hospital room, and there is only quiet.
His uncle sits slumped beside his mothers bed, his head in his hands. A single nurse stands by his mothers head.
Nothing but quiet.
Kenny looks up and rubs his face with his hand, quickly, letting out a small sniffle and a weak attempt at words.
“Levi,” he starts, tries to speak, but his voice is weak. “I’m sorry.”
He casts his gaze over to his mother; frail, a shell of herself.
How did they get this way? Sure, she’s been sick for a while, but she’s always come back.
She’s always come back.
“What– what do you mean.” The last word comes out strained, not wanting to sound angry, but it slips out anyway. He guesses it’s more hurt than anything, he knows it’s nothing his uncle can help.
“There’s nothing they could do.”
Everything goes quiet, and he doesn’t want to be here anymore.
“You mean— she already—”
Kenny just looks at him, sorrow flooding his eyes, that heavy weight filling the entire room. He doesn’t even have to say yes for Levi to know the answer when it’s written all over his face.
He backs out of the hospital room, away from his Uncle, away from Erwin and Neil too. His steps are unsure, but he needs to be elsewhere right now. He turns, and begins walking.
He feels like a ghost in these halls. Empty and wandering. He shouldn’t be here, yet here he is. That ache in his chest grows into something darker. It clouds his senses, the edges of his vision gone blurry. His hearing is fuzzy, any words that make their way through are mumbled messes of letters.
His limbs feel cold, heavy, but he walks anyway. Walks out of the building, ignoring the calls of his name being yelled from behind him from a voice that he can barely make out. But once the chill of the night air hits his face, he feels the urge to run.
And so he does.
He runs, feels his limbs go numb until he’s hardly able to feel them moving himself forward, but he runs still. His feet hit the ground, heavy and unsure, over the asphalt and the dirt and grass until he finally reaches the park.
His limbs finally give in on him, and he falls knee first to the ground, pulling himself up onto a nearby bench with what leftover strength he can find.
He can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket and he pulls it out to see missed calls from both Kenny and Erwin; ignoring them all and throwing the device to the ground where it lands face up. The screen lights up again, another call coming through from Erwin, which he ignores again.
It’s far past dark now, the sun has long since disappeared behind the hills with the black of the night taking its place. He lays on his side lengthways, knees curled up into himself and his cheek pressed against the cold aluminium surface staring blankly out into the distance. There’s a lone street light illuminating the worn down playground equipment in a warm yellow tint. The rusted metal, the chipped away paint, that one broken swing that still, after all these years, remains unfixed. Everything is broken and left to stay that way.
He turns onto his back, lets his legs hang over the edge, and looks up into the sky. He counts the stars, tries to make out the constellations, and recalls a time when he was younger when she used to lay with him some nights, keep him huddled up against her side, and do the same; pointing out the planets and constellations, making up stories about the worlds beyond the stars and the heavens between them.
He’s never been one to believe in a god. Never been one for the idea of a single all-powerful being deciding the fates of every individual in this world.
However, if by some stroke of luck and a true miracle there is something out there — if there is a heaven, at the very least — he just hopes it’s beautiful.
He tries his best to restrain his sobs, but it’s useless. They pour out of him like a broken faucet, uncontrollable and unruly. He makes no sounds as they do, but his nose and eyes burn and his throat aches enough to match the pain roaring through his chest. His fingers tingle and his legs don’t seem to want to move, so he doesn’t. He lays there, letting silent sobs rip from his chest and out into the open, his trembling fingers wiping away the tears wetting his face.
He doesn’t know how long he lays like this before he sees a figure approaching him from the distance.
“Levi?” A familiar voice yells out to him, picking up speed to a jog to close the space between them. He can only just make out the words beyond the static ringing in his ears. He doesn’t answer, just lies there and watches them with dead eyes as they make their way up to him.
“Levi, hey.”
It’s Erwin, of course it’s Erwin. Levi wonders if he ran here himself or if his dad drove him. It doesn’t matter either way.
He doesn't answer Erwin verbally, simply looks at him through the teary haze clouding his vision, not moving from where he lays. Erwin kneels down in front of him in the cold grass, picking up Levi’s phone where it lies thrown on the ground, resting one of his palms softly on Levi’s upper arm.
“Come on, let's sit up,” Erwin speaks quietly, his tone soft and full of care. There’s a slight sadness tainting them, though, and he can see a haze over his eyes, but Levi tries to ignore it. Levi nods in response to Erwin’s request, moving on shaky limbs to pull himself up, but Erwin is there to help him upright.
Erwin stands, sits beside Levi once he’s properly seated. Immediately, Erwin pulls him into an embrace, arms pulled tight around his shoulders, and Levi breaks again.
He cries, and cries, his head weak and falling against Erwin's chest, the feeling of Erwin tightening his arms around him only able to do so much to ward off the ache that settles deep inside his chest. He feels safe here, but god, even the feeling of safety can’t stop the hurt.
His nose and eyes burn as a steady salty stream finds itself a home on Levi’s cheeks. Erwin doesn't say a word, simply sits and holds him in his arms, and Levi moves his arms to return the gesture.
Eventually, Levi’s tears stop, but Erwin doesn't let him go, and Levi doesn't want him to. He wants to stay here forever, where it feels safe and warm and where nothing can hurt him anymore.
“It’s not fair,” the words are shaky, voice raspy from his cries.
“I know,” he says, “I'm sorry, Levi. I'm really sorry.” He feels Erwin rest his cheek on top of his head, a single soft kiss pressed onto his hair. Erwin lets out a shaky sigh of his own.
He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even know what to think right now. All he knows is that his mum is dead, gone, and she’s not coming back.
He’s never going to see her smile again or hear her laugh. He’s not coming home after school to the smell of her baking, her warm hugs and loving words. Not anymore and not ever again.
All of it stripped away, all unfairly taken like her life meant nothing. Like she wasn't deserving of a long and healthy life. Someone who had only ever shown kindness and compassion to everyone, cursed with years of pain and hospital visits; the potential of a full beautiful life, gone. Stolen; from Levi, from his uncle, and from her most of all.
They both sit that way for a while, Erwin with his arms still firm around him, Levi’s face buried in the crook of Erwin’s neck.
“My dad is in the car,” Erwin says, softly, “let’s get up and go to him, okay?” He squeezes him once before moving back slightly, just enough for Levi to see his face without letting him go.
Levi doesn't have words available for him right now, so he nods. They stand and walk out in the direction Erwin came from, eventually reaching the car.
“Do you want to go home?” Erwin asks as they both pull themselves into the backseat of his dad’s car, “you can come back to ours until your Uncle is back— dad said he already said that was okay.”
They buckle themselves in, Neil turning and giving them a soft but sombre smile as he drives off.
“I think I’ll go home,” he says, “when Kenny’s back.”
“Okay,” is all Erwin says. It’s soft, as always, something calm even though he knows for a fact that he’s hurt by all this too.
He rests his head on Ewins shoulder again, leaning further into his touch as Erwin does the same. He enjoys the small amount of peace he finds in this moment. The exhaustion falls over him in one giant wave. The pain only subsiding ever so slightly, but if he can find peace for even a moment in a time like this, he’s going to take it and never let go.
Notes:
First, I am sorry. Second, I hope you still enjoyed <3
This chapter is kinda personal to me, going into this fic this was the chapter I had been waiting to write since I started writing it, so I guess I wanted to get it right? I've also just had a lot of insecurities with this fic so I wasn't exactly motivated to write it for a while. But, I still adore these two and this story, and even if I can't portray it the way I fully want, I hope it's still enjoyable.
I don't have a set day for the next chapter, but it will come eventually I promise that much.
Thank you <3
Find me on twitter <3
8/9/22: Fic currently on hiatus, will be continued after love & other drugs is finished publishing <3
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