For Neither Love Nor Money

by WyvernQuill

Summary:

Kalego just so happened to be one of the wealthiest demons in the entire Netherworld, a fact only very few of his colleagues were aware of - until Balam offhandedly mentioned his riches in the middle of the staff room, prompting the teachers of Babylus to spontaneously discover their inner gold-diggers and sugar babies.
Now, Kalego must dodge unwanted proposals left and right, getting propositioned by every single adult working at the school...

...except, of course, the one person Kalego would actually say "yes" to.

 

In which Kalego is (to his great displeasure) the most eligible bachelor in the entire Netherworld, Opera has to work hard to balance out their underlings' great stupidity in matters of the heart, and Kalego's Definitely-Least-Favourite-No-Really Problem Student Iruma does NOT make things worse, for once.

Chapter 1: Day 1: A Terrible Start

Notes:

Welcome everyone, to my very first Mairimashita! Iruma-kun! fanfic! (That I've posted, I do have two more big projects I'm working on... ;))
This whole thing was born from a conversation on Discord regarding that one scene in the Home Visits episode where Shax's sister expresses interest in marrying Kalego because of his wealth and status - so I figured, what if that but with every single teacher at Babylus instead?
I hope you enjoy this first chapter! ^-^

My thanks go out to my darling Sunny for being lovely, Hema for dragging me into this fandom, and everyone on Discord for cheering me on while I was writing this! You're all wonderful!!!

One can never tell in advance when disaster is about to strike.

One would think one can, certain that the greatest storms must needs come with a hint of warning, or some great sudden catastrophe… alas, that could not be further from the truth.

Most disasters do in fact start quite inconspicuously - and so did this one, with nothing but a throwaway remark.

 

 

 

“It’s my best tea, but don’t go getting hooked on it now!” Balam said cheerfully, taking back empty cups from his fellow teachers’ hands. “It’s frightfully expensive, I could never afford it on my own. Kalego-kun buys it for me, since his family is so very rich. Isn’t that sweet of him?”

 

And that was all it took.

 

“How darling!” Raim cooed, “he’s truly the best! So generous!” Robin grinned, and…
“Rich, you say?” Dali and Suzy said in unison, and the glint in their eyes shaped itself into a shape not unlike the demonic equivalent of a dollar sign, which had little horns and wings and looked very sinister indeed.

“Oh, yes. Terribly rich.” Balam hummed, putting the mugs on a little tray together with the empty pot. “There’s the Naberius family fortune, of course, which is very substantial, and… ah, he told me this a while ago, some distant aunt or other was an extremely successful spell inventor and left the bulk of her wealth to him when she died, thinking he’d be the most responsible with it.”

Balam paused, blinking.

“You know, he must be one of the richest people in the Netherworld, now that I think about it. Strange, how you’re never quite aware of these things, isn’t it? To us all, he’s just our dear colleague Kalego-kun.”

“Our dear loaded colleague.” Orias muttered under his breath, the teachers around him nodding along.

“Well, never mind all that.” Balam picked up the tray, heading back to his biology lab. “Have a nice afternoon, everyone, hope you enjoyed the tea.”

A brief moment of quiet, as his footsteps faded into the distance, a number of cogs slowly turning in the heads of various faculty members.

 

“I don’t know about you all,” Marbas’ voice suddenly broke through the silence, “but I suddenly see a very profitable future for myself in the noble profession of gold-digging and sugar-babying.”

 

And, it turned out, his colleagues very much agreed.

 

---

 

If the Esteemed Reader assumes that this surprising revelation of Kalego’s “EXTREMELY eligible bachelor” status would prompt some extremely hamfisted flirting, unsubtle advances, and plenty of courting gifts…

...then I must sadly inform them that they are severely underestimating the ability of demons to get straight to the point when they set their sights on a distinct goal.

 

Flirting, advances, gifts, wooing, a frankly hayfever-inducing amount of flowers to wear the object of your affections down over time… all of that is for the kinds of silly creatures (humans) that have the time for such nonsense.

No, demons who smell blood in the water, particularly the blood of a young, handsome - albeit grumpy - bachelor worth his weight many, many times in gold, do not dawdle unnecessarily, but instead pounce on their future husband teeth first, before any of the other riches-hungry sharks come swarming around them.

Balam had, entirely on accident, drawn first blood; and thus, the hunt for Kalego’s hand (and great, GREAT fortune. Like. Really great. Worth jumping through a lot of hoops for) commenced pretty much instantaneously.

 

---

 

“...and that,” Kalego tapped a piece of chalk against the board, “is why Lucifer’s Theorem still holds strong, despite the variation in the Dante constant. Questions?”

A dozen hands shot up in the air.

“Tough luck. Read the chapter again, maybe something’ll stick.” Kalego threw the chalk down on the table, dusting off his hands, and quietly delighting in the despairing cries of “but Sensei! It makes no sense! Please the test is next week Sensei”. If the dumb brats couldn’t pick up a book or two to read up on their subjects, then they would deserve those failing grades and all that came with it.

Throwing a smug little “SILENCE” over his shoulder to quiet the wailing following him out the classroom door, Kalego headed towards the biology lab with the intention to correct some assignments and have a cup or two of tea (and if the tea came with some, ehem, halfway tolerable company, well, who was Kalego to say no), when…

“KALEGO-SENPAIIIIIIII!!!!” Robin skidded around the corner, throwing himself at Kalego in a tackle he only barely managed to dodge with evasion skills on par with Iruma That Damn Problem Child. “Kalego-senpai, MARRY ME!!!!!!!!”
“HUH,” Kalego blurted out, and shot out one arm purely on reflex, to crush Robin’s head one-handedly like an overripe, very excitable grape, before dropping him and continuing on his way, resolutely Not Thinking about the nonsense the newbie had spouted just before the head-crushing had been initiated.

“T-that wasn’t a no...” Robin muttered, very faintly, yet triumphantly, before slipping into unconsciousness.

 

He had been the first to strike - but would by no means be the last.

 

---

 

Kalego quickened his pace down the corridor, already planning a tirade about this unpleasant encounter - “Shichirou, you would not believe what stupid idea Idiot Newbie got into his head today” - when Momonoki stepped around the corner with the firm glare of a woman on a mission, and ready to disembowel anyone who tried to stop her.

Not usually one to be cowed by such things, Kalego nonetheless decided to wisely opt to quickly step out of her path. The look in her eyes reminded him a little of Opera-senpai, and anything even remotely resembling them was best avoided with all haste.

Momonoki, however, did not simply breeze past him.

Momonoki came to a halt right in front of him, drawing herself up to her full height, and though her face was steadily reddening, she nevertheless held her ground admirably.

Kalego fought long years of Senpai-honed cowering instincts in order to glare firmly back, and ask “yes? Is something the matter?”

“Y-Y-YOU!” Momonoki stammered, by now red as a Devimato, her entire face practically on fire. There might even have been steam rising from her head.

“Me,” Kalego confirmed, starting to have quiet concerns about the mental states of a select few of his colleagues.

“M-M-M-MY!” Momonoki continued, thrusting out one arm to stab her finger quite painfully into Kalego’s solar plexus.

“H-H-H-H-H-H-” She continued, evidently struggling, swaying slightly on her feet.

“Take your time,” Kalego raised one eyebrow. If she fainted, he would not catch her.

 

”HUSBAND!” Momonoki forced out at quite some volume, and promptly keeled over.

 

Kalego did not catch her.

(His arm just accidentally happened to come between her head and the really very hard floor.)

“I’m sensing a deeply worrying pattern here,” he muttered, lowering her all the way to the ground, and then leaving her unconscious form behind, hoping very ardently that this would be the end of it.

 

Alas, it had hardly even begun.

 

---

 

Kalego stomped down the corridor, increasingly desperate for a large mug of that calming tea Balam sometimes offered him after Iruma Had Done Something Again - and, perhaps, a liberal swig of good old alcohol - only to round the corner and see Orias loiter in front of the biology lab door.

Kalego felt a flicker of apprehension dart down his spine. Surely, surely, just because the last two teachers he had encountered had acted… in a very peculiar manner… there was no reason to avoid all his colleagues, was there? He could just. Squeeze past Orias. Hole up in the lab for the rest of the day, pretend all of… that nonsense… had been nothing but a bad dream.

He steeled himself, stomped resolutely forward, nodding a greeting towards Orias…

Who promptly smiled in the single most blinding manner, the air around him glimmering as he activated his bloodline magic.

“Heya, handsome!” Orias called out, stepping towards him. Kalego stepped back. “Now, I realise this must be quite sudden, but... would you make me (and my gambling debts) the luckiest man alive?”

Oh, the bastard.

“Hrnnnghhh,” Kalego said, Lucky Happy trying very hard to draw a “yes” from his mouth - and likely would’ve succeeded, if not for the fact that Kalego was a (by now majorly pissed off) Rank 8 demon with power enough to resist even bloodline abilities if necessary, at least for a brief time window. “Nnnnghhabsolutely NOT!”

With that, Kalego whirled around on the spot and stalked off, hastily removing himself from Lucky Happy’s range before fortune could make an absolute fool out of him. So much for finding refuge in the biology lab, then.

“Can’t fault a man for trying!” Orias cheerfully called after him.

Kalego’s growl in return indicated that, yes, a man could well be faulted for such things, actually, and Kalego was very much doing so at the moment.

 

---

 

Well, damn all this to Hell, then. Whatever temporary insanity had gripped the Babylus staff, Kalego wanted no part of it. Perhaps he should just go home early, and spend the rest of the day with his cacti, which had yet to propose to him in fits of misguided passion, making them-

“Heyaaaaa, Kalego-kun~!” Dali fell in step beside him. “How are things?”

Kalego’s left eye twitched, as it often did when exposed to the man. Nobody riled him up like the Chairdemon and the Newbie did, of course, but Dali, with his mercurial ideas and penchant for chaos was definitely a close third place.

“Ghastly.” He grumbled. “If you’ll excuse me…”

He tried to accelerate his pace - but Dali’s hand shot out, grabbing his. Oh no.

“Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes?” Dali began, sidling up close and personal, steel grip not releasing Kalego’s hand no matter how hard he tugged. “All dark and squint-y. Love that scowl.”

Oh, no.

“Wh- but- how dare you-” Kalego spluttered, feeling his cheeks redden. “You-”

“So. How about it? You and me?” Dali was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes bright with mischief. “Let me make an honest demon out of you, Kalego-kun!”

“Y-you BASTARD!” Kalego burst out, attempting to pull away, only for his back to hit the wall. Oh Devi. “You’re already married! W-what will Suzy-san think-”

“I don’t mind, yis~!” Suzy popped up behind Dali’s back, absolutely unfazed - if not openly delighted - at the sight of her husband of 17-and-a-half years (not that Kalego kept track of their anniversaries or anything) putting the moves on a younger colleague right in front of her.

“You’re a tasty enough hunk of man-meat” - Kalego instantly fought to wipe the memory of her calling him that from his mind - “and I see nothing wrong with... sharing things in a marriage, hm, darling?”

“You’re so right, honey!” Dali agreed with a wolfish grin that was half a leer. Kalego would need so much alcohol to forget this conversation. “So! Yes or no, cutiepie?”

“And we won’t take no for an answer, yis~!” Suzy chirped, grabbing Kalego’s other hand.

“Ah-” Kalego pressed back against the wall, eyes skipping back and forth between the two. This wasn’t happening. This was a bad dream. He was about to wake up. “I-”

 

“Oh, no fair!” Marbas piped up behind them, wearing a very nice dress shirt only partially stained in blood, and carrying a large sign in the shape of an (unsettlingly anatomically accurate) heart with “WILL YOU MARRY ME” written on it. “Don’t you double-team him! That’s an unfair advantage!”

Kalego, sensing his only chance to make an escape, used the distraction to twist his way out of the Hell Couple’s grasp, and promptly ran for his (bachelor) life.

 

---

 

Far beyond the point of caring, Kalego ripped open the first door he came across in his desperate flight, throwing himself into whatever room lay behind it, and then slammed it very firmly shut.

Oh Devi help him. This was the worst day of his life. A prank, perhaps, with most of the staff in on it? Or karmic retribution for leaving his students to either sink or swim with the Lucifer’s Theorem? And demonic history last week? And shoving Iruma off a cliff that one time? And…

(Kalego had to admit, if this was divine justice, then it was… not entirely undeserved, actually.)

“Kalego-kun?” Came a voice behind him.

Kalego tensed instinctively… but it was only old Morax, the room he barged into evidently his study.

Good. Good. Morax was far too old to go for this kind of thing, and one of the rare demons exclusively attracted to one gender, besides. Kalego would be as safe in here as he was going to get.

“Are you… hrmmm, are you quite alright, young man?” Morax pushed back his chair, shuffling upright and towards him. “You look rather ruffled. Would you like to sit down?”

Not a proposal. Not a proposal. Kalego sent silent thanks to whichever merciful entity had granted him this reprieve.

“No, it’s fine.” Kalego managed a grimace that was very nearly a smile. Old Man Morax had just become his favou- his second -favourite colleague. “It’s only- ah, everyone’s gone absolutely mad out there!”

“Hm, yes, yes.” Morax gravely nodded, stroking his beard. “That’s the madness of life, my boy. Insanity all around us. But, hm…”

He reached under his beard, pulling something out and offering it to Kalego.

“There’s nothing like braving that sort of madness together, is there?”

Kalego stared at the ring offered to him - cheap, looking very much like a shoddily transfigured paper clip - and silently screamed.

 

Then the door behind him sprang open, and Kalego screamed again, a good deal less silently. His limit for tolerating such things had very much been met.

“THERE you are, Kalego-kun!” Furcas strode into the room, Allocer following after her as she spread out a stack of notes on Morax’s desk, despite his loud protests. “Schneider-kun, get the projector set up.”

Allocer inclined his head, and the projector he had been carrying flickered to life, throwing a slide titled “Why Naberius Kalego Should Marry Me - An In-Depth Analysis Of Existing Research And Suggested Pilot Study, by Prof. Dr. Dr. Furcas” against a nearby wall.

“Please, no,” Kalego whispered, despairing.

“Do NOT listen to that old hag!” Morax groused, trying to shove her papers off the desk. “She was a terrible wife to me, that divorce was long overdue, and her citation is very shoddy!”

“How dare you, you crusty old-” Furcas hissed. “Just because I took half of everything you had in the settlement-”

“I, hrmm, would treat you much better than her!” Morax insisted stubbornly. “She’s very, hah, frigid, if you know what I-”

“HE’S IN HERE, GUYS!”

Dali and Suzy tumbled into the study, Marbas, Orias, and somewhat disoriented-looking Momonoki and Robin hard on their heels - even including a few confused-but-enthusiastic junior teachers - all of them clamoring over each other, “Kalego, Kalego-sensei, Kalego-kun, marry me, no me, me, me!!!”

Kalego felt very much like a demon-deer in the headlights of an oncoming carriage, his life flashing before his eyes.

(Not so bad overall. Could’ve used less Opera-senpai, but Balam and the cacti had been nice enough.)

He tried to make eye contact with Allocer, silently pleading for the boy to get him out of here in exchange for getting A+ on every assignment ever, but the damn brat very pointedly looked the other way, clicking over to the next slide every time Furcas waved her hand.

Little traitor.

 

“Out of the way, amateurs,” Raim strode into the room, wearing the kind of skimpy number that made Allocer quickly cover his eyes, and clearly intending to shed parts of it as she stalked over towards Kalego, a truly frightening glint in her eyes. “This is a matter of professional pride now. If he doesn’t beg to marry me in five minutes, then I’m no longer worthy of having been Lady Asmodeus’ prize pupil!”

Okay.

Okay okay okay.

Kalego couldn’t do this anymore. He had to get out of here, before someone got killed. (Possibly he himself. At this point, he would be very grateful if someone put him out of his misery.)

“SILENCE! I’LL NOT MARRY ANY OF YOU!” He thundered, throwing his hand out and summoning Cerberion half out of reflex.

The giant dog crackled into existence, filling what little space was left in the already cramped study, and serving as a barrier between Kalego and the gaggle of teachers now squished uncomfortably against the far wall.

“LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU BASTARDS!” Kalego snarled - and no, his voice did not crack and squeak at all, thank you very much - before turning tail and running off once more, leaving his trusty dog to contain his pursuers for as long as possible.

(He was not normally one to flee, but after having so foolishly sought confrontation with Opera so many years ago, he had learned the value of a tactical retreat.)

Kalego slowed his pace only once he had put a good few corridors’ worth of distance between them, leaning against the wall for just a moment as a wave of soul-deep weariness crashed over him. Why. Why was this happening to him. Why.

He had only wallowed in self-pity for a few moments when a figure walked up to him… a figure clad in teacher purple.

No.

“Ah, Kalego-san.” Blushenko inclined his head slightly. “I was looking for you.”

Kalego considered running further, but he was just so, so tired.

“Let me guess.” He muttered exhaustedly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You have a marriage proposal for me?”

“As a matter of fact…”

“Why, Blushenko?” Kalego needed a drink. He needed a drink so bad. “You always said you weren’t interested! At all! In anything or anyone!”

“That’s true, I don’t have any interest in such things,” Blushenko agreed readily. “What I do have, however, is a mortgage, and five cats who like eating the expensive brand of liver, so...”

“You’re not making any sense.” Kalego groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. ”Nobody is!”

“...is that a no?”

Kalego glared over the top of his hands.

“Never mind.” Blushenko quickly raised his hand in a defensive gesture, backing off. “Forget I said anything!”

“Devi, I wish I could,” Kalego muttered, pushing past him and finally, finally reaching the door to the biology lab.

Notes:

Kalego's already having a terrible time, and it'll only get worse... though next chapter will give him a bit of a breather, at least, and we'll get our first proper glimpses of the main ship for this fic.

This whole thing is already fully written, so I think I'll update quite regularly, if I can manage!

Please do leave a kudos, bookmark, or tell me what you think in a comment, I'd love to hear from you!
(I also have a Tumblr if you're interested - I post Iruma fan art there now and then!)
Thank you so much for reading, see you next chapter! ^-^ <3

Chapter 2: Intermission: A (Brief) Moment Of Peace And Quiet

Notes:

Bit of a shorter little intermission chapter today, which is mostly wholesome and allows Kalego to hang out with Someone Special for a little while before the bachelor hunt starts up again. He gets to have a little rest now, as a treat.
Hope you enjoy! <3

The prep room, which doubled as Balam’s office - and also, frequently, his bedroom, or a small animal nursery, or a picture book drawing workshop - was as warm and cozy and blessedly quiet as always, vines curling down from the ceiling, heavy with fragrant flowers.

Kalego took a deep, deep breath, the stiff set of his shoulders relaxing very, very minutely at the familiar sounds of Balam bustling about somewhere else in the room, and carefully reviewed his recent experiences.

He could probably rule out a prank. Neither Furcas nor Morax were the pranking kind in general, and Blushenko was far too aware of the terrible pain Kalego could inflict on him to ever prank him.

Had there perhaps been an accident in the teacher’s lounge? One of Raim’s little love potion side ventures blowing up in everyone’s faces, making all adults - and thank Devi only the adults, if his students had started proposing to him, Kalego doesn’t know what he would’ve done, but there definitely would’ve been blood - deeply and intensely enamoured with him. 

Or maybe he’d been cursed by a vindictive student for failing them. Wouldn’t be the first time, Kalego recalled with a shudder. He would never be able to look at pudding the same way ever again.

But…

Kalego blinked, a thought manifesting in the back of his head, filling his chest with a strange sensation half dread and half flutter.

If… if his colleagues all had no choice in the matter, compelled by some spell or other to act this way towards him, no matter their personal inclination… and it had so far affected everyone…

Kalego snuck a glance at Balam, who seemed to be flicking through books while softly humming to himself, sorting them into two different stacks in the corner.

Then… wasn’t there a chance, that…

“...Shichirou?” Kalego called out, voice strangely hoarse.

“Oh! Kalego-kun! I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in at all!” Balam quickly set down the books, turning to him with a smile in his eyes, that especially bright one Kalego wanted to think was just for him, but had in fact seen used towards a number of especially cute and fluffy creatures, including Iruma.

 

(Kalego braced himself, his knees suddenly feeling strangely weak, the door at his back a steadfast support. Would he… would Balam actually… he should, and it wouldn’t be real, of course, and quite annoying besides, to really be pursued by everyone, and yet… and yet…

He swallowed, and hoped his heart wasn’t too obviously beating out of his chest.)

 

“...are you alright? Kalego-kun?” A frown now, gentle and worried. “Oh, you look ghastly - no offence, but you do - here, come sit down before you keel over…”

Kalego blinked, letting Balam nudge him to the nest couch, hands curled around his arm and side in support, but not a single smidgen more companionable than they usually were.

“There you are. You haven’t caught anything, have you? Your face is terribly red.” Balam stripped off one glove, touching a large, scale-y palm to Kalego’s forehead. “Hm, no, doesn’t seem like you’re running a temperature, at least. Wait, I’ll make you a strong tea, be right back!”

Kalego watched him shuffle over to the tea supplies spread out over a nearby table, a strange mixture of emotions welling up in him - and considering he usually scoffed at having an emotion (singular) at all, this was not a pleasant experience.

“Was it the students? Or, oh, did Iruma-kun get into trouble again?” Balam continued to ramble as he measured out tea herbs. “I haven’t seen you this harried since the Pudding Incident…”

“No. No it’s. Not like that. Apparently.” Kalego muttered, only getting more and more confused. “Shichirou, don’t you… ah... have anything to... say to me…?”

“Hm?” Balam turned to him, cocking his head to his side in a very bird-like way, eyes full of concern and warm, lasting affection… but not even a hint of an indication that he was about to ask Kalego to join with him in unholy matrimony. “Like what?”

“...nothing.” Kalego mumbled, looking down at his knees, and suddenly feeling somewhat sick, after all. “It’s nothing.”

 

(He wasn’t disappointed, or anything like that.

He wasn’t.

Honest.)

 

“Well, never mind it then. Here’s your tea.” Balam pushed the warm mug into his hands, watching expectantly until Kalego took a sip, anxious energy seeping out of him the moment the warm liquid hit his tongue - though it might also tangentially have something to do with Balam rubbing soothing circles on his back. Perhaps. “And… will you tell me what’s bothering you? Maybe I can help.”

“Ah, doubt it. It’s stupid.” Kalego scoffed, taking another large gulp of tea. It was the nice one, the expensive brand he always bought for Balam (for entirely platonic reasons). “Just. All our colleagues have been hounding me today. Barely got here in one piece, and it took me far too long, too.”

“Hounding you?” Balam frowned. “Why?”

Because for some inexplicable reason, I’ve become matrimonially irresistible to them, Kalego thought, but didn’t say, and now everyone wants to marry me, except the ONE person that I might actually WANT to-

Kalego pointedly cut that thought off before it formed fully. He wasn’t quite that pathetic yet.

 

(Part of him was almost glad that whichever strange sequence of events had led to all the other teachers pursuing him apparently did not affect Balam - he didn’t know what he would’ve done, in truth, if he’d heard the words “will you marry me” and known he couldn’t answer “yes”, because they weren’t honestly meant.)

 

“Damned if I know, Shichirou.” Kalego ground out instead, setting his empty mug down and sinking deeper into the comfortable softness of the nest couch. “But they kept accosting me, and at this point I don’t even think I can go home without the damned menaces lying in wait for me!”

Kalego groaned, throwing one arm over his eyes. “I’ve only been out of class for a quarter of an hour at most, and I’m already so tired. Why do these things keep happening to me!?”

“Well, to be honest, I always suspected that you must’ve been quite a terrible person in a past life,” Balam commented lightly, probably thinking himself very funny. “Or the current one, come to think of it.”

“Ha ha.” Kalego swatted in his vague direction with the arm not currently over his face, though it was a somewhat weak gesture. “As if I’m not doing enough penance by teaching the dumbest, most reckless brats in the Netherworld.”

“And I’m sure that kind of earnest sacrifice will make the Fates forgive you eventually.” Balam patted his hair, and Kalego was very nearly exhausted enough to lean into the touch, sliding into an even more horizontal position on the couch. “Until then… why don’t you rest here for a bit? I’ll lock the door, put up some wards, to make sure nobody disturbs you.”

“Would you? Please?” Kalego was aware that he sounded very whiny and plaintive at the moment, but damnit, the prospect of some peace and quiet after That Ordeal was too tempting to pass up on out of pridefulness. “Shichirou, I swear, you’re the only good thing that ever happened to me.”

“Don’t let your cacti hear that, they’ll get jealous.” Balam chuckled warmly, getting up to lock the door, and returning with a blanket to drape over Kalego. “Rest well, now. You do look like you need it.”

“Hrmhhhm,” Kalego mumbled, curling up on the nest-couch. “Thanks.”

“Anytime, Kalego-kun,” he heard, vaguely, as he drifted slowly off in the direction of unconsciousness. “I’ll always be there for you, if you need me. You need only ask.”

 

(Very briefly, Kalego’s sleep-muddled mind considered actually asking, voicing a particular question that had been thrown at him far too many times today…

But he felt too warm and heavy for forming words - and perhaps it was a blessing that sleep pulled him under before he could say something foolish that would be impossible to take back.)

 

---

 

 

By the time Kalego woke again, night had long since fallen, only a few small lamps illuminating the prep room. He must’ve slept uninterrupted for hours - and it had been the best sleep Kalego had in months, for all that the nest-couch had branches that poked into one’s sides when one shifted unfortunately, and he was still wearing his full teacher’s uniform.

On the low table sat a glass of water, and a plate of snacks, as well as a note with the counter-spell to the wards, signed with a doodle of a little bird.

(At the sight, Kalego’s mouth did something very strange, a peculiar muscle twitch making the corners of it turn slightly upwards. He frowned, and rubbed at his cheeks, hoping the impulse to grimace would lessen quickly.)

Balam himself was slumped over his desk, arms folded on top of whichever papers he had been grading at the time, and head resting on top of them, quite soundly asleep as well.

Kalego decided it would be quite rude to wake him now, after he’d ensured that Kalego’s own sleep remained undisturbed for so long, so he drank his water and ate the snacks as quietly as he could, before picking up the counterspell note and moving over to the window.

With a whispered word or two, the magical barrier glittering only very slightly in the lamplight faded away, and the window could be opened easily.

Kalego spread out his wings, readied himself to fly…

And paused.

Folded his wings again, moved over to the couch, picked up the blanket.

And then, very, very quietly, he draped it over Balam’s shoulders, all the while careful not to wake him.

It was the least he could do, for the help today, and the steadfast companionship of oh so many years.

 

 

 

(Kalego glanced back at Balam’s sleeping form over his shoulder as he sat perched on the windowsill, about to take off, wind already tugging at his coat.

”This is why I’ll never get married, you know,” he muttered into the silence of the night, just a little wistful.

And then he spread his wings wide, and flew home.)

Notes:

The timing of this chapter is extremely fitting with the anime, seeing as last episode's sukima (the one where Kalego shows up in Balam's room - or, as the episode translated earlier, OUR(!) room - and they eat together, which, my crops have never been so watered) was titled "this is why I'll never get married you know" in the manga, and I just couldn't RESIST referencing it here!
Poor Kalego, so in love, so ready to marry the right person, so in denial about it. And Balam is just too damn caring, Kalego's heart can't take it.

We'll return next chapter with our regularly-scheduled Bad Things Happen To Kalego content - in the meantime, I'd love it if you left a kudos or comment, they bring me great joy! ^-^ <3 <3 <3

Chapter 3: Day 2: Arson Can't Help You Now

Notes:

Here we are again, returning to Kalego having the Absolute Worst Time, hooray! Please sit back and enjoy, and keep your popcorn ready. <3
There won't be as many proposals as before, but the one that does happen sure packs a punch, and horrifies Kalego like little else could... ;3c

If the Esteemed Reader had hoped that all the excitement would have blown over by the next day… then they once more underestimate demonic nature.

While most demons do indeed lack the patience for persistence hunting, the prize of Kalego(‘s inheritance) was a tempting one indeed, and short of the heat death of the universe - or perhaps the annual Teacher’s Happy Hour, which traditionally wiped a lot of slates clean - there was little that could’ve cut the chase for his hand short… and especially not this early.

 

---

 

So Kalego was carefully slinking along the corridors of Babylus the next morning, wishing ardently he hadn’t used up all his holiday time on that cactus gardener conference last month.

(It had been worth it, extremely educational, even though he’d been thrown out of the last panel due to starting a fistfight with a demon who had criminally overwatered his cactacae demonicus. Some people you just couldn’t talk to.)

He was wearing three pairs of (terribly unflattering) perception warding glasses on top of each other, as well as another cologne than his usual, and kept stopping to peek around each new corner, melting into the wall until yet another teacher with a searching expression and a ring box in their hands had passed him by.

Didn’t any of them have class? Disgraceful.

Kalego still didn’t have even the slightest bit of a clue as to why everybody was in a matrimonial mood; and, seeing as Studious Ignorance had served him so well in the past - there was definitely something wrong with the Iruma kid, but Kalego Refused To Acknowledge It - he was simply going to grit his teeth, avoid his colleagues slightly more aggressively than usual, and pretend there was no problem until the issue went away on its own.

(And it would go away, Kalego had to go on believing that, or he would surely simply lie down on the floor and despair.)

He had to wait in front of Royal One for about 10 minutes past the gong announcing first class period, because Robin, that menace, had camped out in front of the entrance for as long as possible, until a Broadcast Battler announcement pointedly instructed Robin-sensei to “please come to 3-A’s classroom, your students are waiting and getting restless”, at which point he hastily gathered what looked like a net and a harpoon and hurried off towards the main buildings,

Good riddance, Kalego thought, trying not to worry too strongly about what the intended use of the harpoon might have been, and slipped into his own classroom.

 

---

 

“SILENCE!” Kalego snapped, striding over to his desk and throwing his detection warding glasses down on it. “I’ll warn you right now, I’m in a truly foul mood today with no tolerance for little brats hellbent on testing my patience, so if any single one of you puts even a single toe out of line, you can wave your parents goodbye because you’ll be sitting in detention every single free minute of the rest of your lives and never see your homes again. Is that understood?”

Scattered murmurs of “yes, Sensei” floated through the room, which was good enough, Kalego supposed. He made threats like this one often enough, but this time, he really did mean it, and hoped those idiot Misfits would pick up on the fine distinction between grumpy bluster and “no seriously, I will bite your head off”.

“Right then. Get out your books, we’ll carry on from where we left off yesterday.” Kalego flipped his own textbook open, and reached for the clipboard in the top drawer. “But first, attendance. Agares Picero?”

A soft yawn. “H-here…..”

Kalego nodded curtly, ticking the name of the list, and moving on to the next.

He’d never admit it, of course, but troublemakers or no, it was almost pleasant to be here, at the head of the Misfit Class, getting ready for the familiar motions of teaching. He was (relatively) safe from proposals here, the kids were hopefully going to try to be tolerable for once, and after the lessons of the day were concluded he might be able to sneak into the biology lab again and offer to treat Balam to dinner at that high-scale restaurant he’d spoken of, to thank him for yesterday’s hospitality. He’d have to pay extra for a private room, to allow Balam to eat freely - but money meant very little to Kalego, especially when set against his dearest companion’s comfort.

Yes, that would be a nice enough way to spend the evening, Kalego privately thought to himself, as he went down the list.

“Sabnock Sabro?”

“HERE!”

“Inside voice, please. Shax Lied?”

Silence.

“Shax Lied!”

Kalego glanced up from his list, ready to glare most pointedly at Shax, who was undoubtedly playing his Devitendo in class again-

Except.

Not.

“Who are you?” Kalego snapped, squinting at the teenage - young adult? - girl sitting next to a visibly mortified Shax, who seemed to be attempting very hard to sink into the ground and never reappear.

“I’m Shax Shakky, this one’s big sister!” The girl grinned, pointing to Shax, whose head was only barely above desk level by now, skin a chalky sort of pale colour. “I thought I’d join class today, since, you see…”

Her voice dropped an octave, as did her lids to half mast, a disturbingly apex-predator-like quality slipping into her smile.

 

 

“I am also very single, and looking for a sugar daddy husband to… teach me the ways of the world……. Sensei~ ❤”

 

 

Kalego took a hasty, involuntary step back, a horrified grimace spreading over his entire face, which was very much mirrored by Shax, and most of the other Misfits in the vicinity.

“RIGHT! CLASS DISMISSED!” Kalego shouted at quite the volume, and a distinctly higher pitch than normal, flinging the attendance list onto the desk as if it had burned him and scrambling for the perception warding glasses. “GO HOME! GO WHEREVER! I DON’T CARE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Cramming all three glasses onto his face at haphazard angles, Kalego practically threw himself out of the classroom, intent to bring as much distance between Shakky and himself as demonly possible.

Some straws just broke the kelpie’s back, and this had been a very heavy straw indeed.

 

---

 

“Kalego-sensei! Lord Kalego, wait!”

Kalego did not wait. Kalego, in fact, accelerated his pace.

“Just read the chapter in the textbook, Asmodeus!” He threw over his shoulder at the pursuing student. “And if you have any questions left… ask someone else, for Devi’s sake, can’t you see that I for once have other things than teaching on my mind!?”

“Your… predicament did not escape my attention, no.” Azz, too, was walking very quickly, refusing to be shaken. “Allocer-san informed us of the full extent of the issue, and… Iruma-sama is most concerned, being such an unusually caring and empathetic demon, so, to assuage his worries, I thought it might be prudent of me to offer some advice to you, Sensei.”

Kalego stopped in his tracks.

“You?” He barked out a startled laugh. ”You!?”

“Me.” Azz confirmed haughtily.

“No offence,” Kalego growled, very much meaning to offend, “but I’m really not interested in relationship advice from someone who cried because a leaf on the ground reminded him of the boy he lov- ...of Iruma.”

“The leaf’s stem was shaped like a little ahoge,” Azz sniffed, eyes getting distinctly watery.

”Ugh. Spare me.”

“A little ahoge, Sensei!” Azz sobbed, overcome with emotion at the memory.

“What have I ever done to deserve this,” Kalego muttered, while Azz blew his nose on his cravat. “My point stands. I don’t see how anything you say could possibly help me get rid of… of them, so kindly go cry about Iruma-shaped flora somewhere else, why don’t you?”

“Fair, my own experiences are… perhaps not entirely applicable.” Azz conceded, dabbing at his eyes before throwing a quick cleaning spell onto his cravat. “My mother’s, however…”

Kalego perked up, snapping to attention. Now, this was promising.

Lady Asmodeus Amuryllis, the Crown of Seduction and Lust, head of one of the richest and most prolific families in the Netherworld, was perhaps the most sought-after demon in all the realms - except, Kalego reflected, himself, currently - but still remained cheerfully single, with the exception of the occasional casual and quickly-ended torrid affair.

There had to be a trick to it. Some tactic she had honed and perfected over the years to rid herself of unwanted proposals. In other words, exactly what Kalego needed right now.

“...okay, go on.” He said, turning to face Azz fully. “What is Lady Amuryllis’ preferred method of ridding herself of persistent suitors?”

(Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel, a tentative little glimmer of hope. Soon, his ordeal would be over!)

 

 

“Oh, it’s quite simple!” Azz beamed. “Arson!”

 

 

Kalego blinked.

“What.” He said. And then, again, because it bore repeating, ”What.”

“I’m sorry, which part of my response could possibly remain unclear?” Azz cocked his head to one side. “She sets them on fire. Or things they love, sometimes, which is equally effective. You really should try it!”

“No!” Kalego snapped.

Paused.

“...unless…” he muttered, briefly entertaining the tempting mental image of select annoying colleagues going up in extremely satisfying flames.

“...no.” He finally conceded, feeling quite grumpy about it. “Regrettably not an option. Any other suggestions?”

“Well…” Azz frowned thoughtfully. “Sometimes she just singes them a little?”

“Any options not including fire?” Kalego pressed, feeling a headache come on.

“Ah.” Azz’s face fell. “No. I do apologise. Our family does rather tend to fall back on the tried and true...”

“...hm. Thanks anyway.” Kalego muttered tiredly, patting Azz’s head. Not the kid’s fault that he got his hopes up, and it was always good to know that some people were in your corner even at the worst of times. “Tell Iruma you did your best, but I’ll have to take care of this on my own.”

“Of course, Lord Kalego!” Azz bowed, sparkling a little at being awarded the great boon of a head pat. “May I ask what you are planning?”

“Going home and waiting it out.” Kalego responded with a sigh. “And, failing that… probably faking my own death.”

“I would be delighted to provide a burned corpse to substitute for you, Sir!” Azz offered eagerly. “Nobody would ever suspect!”

“...not everything can be solved via arson,” Kalego said, very slowly, with a frown. “You do realise that. Don’t you.”

Azz looked at him like Kalego had just announced that water was dry, or that Iruma was actually a human in disguise.

“It… can’t…?” He whispered, genuinely confused. “Sensei, what do you mean?”
“...oh, never mind.” Kalego muttered, resigned. Life was too short. “Doesn’t that scratch on the wall over there look a little like Iruma?”

With Azz suitably distracted, Kalego slipped away, and went home to lie in bed all day.

Things would be better tomorrow.

They simply had to be.

Notes:

I won't lie, writing Azz like this was an absolute delight, and sometimes I imagine him sobbing over something vaguely Iruma-shaped while Iruma and Clara are awkwardly and confusedly patting his shoulders, and I smile to myself.
Also, arson. Which, I feel obliged to point out, Kalego has the right idea about, and tends to cause more problems than it solves.

Next chapter, we'll finally get to that Kalego&Opera friendship (or, well... frenemyship?) tag, because of course Opera can't hear of their underling being troubled and NOT meddle! ;3c

Until then - thank you all so much for the wonderful comments, and... I wouldn't mind if you left some more, y'know, I always love to hear your thoughts! (*^▽^*)~❤

Chapter 4: Day 3: The Cat Meddles

Notes:

New chapter!!! Featuring Opera, at long last, being both helpful and the bane of Kalego's existence, as is their usual.
I've also drawn some art for this chapter - please enjoy! <3

Kalego woke up the next morning about an hour before the sunrise - as he usually did, preferring to breakfast in peace and reading the newspaper at his leisure - and checked his phone, which he’d kept turned off since before he’d started teaching that class on Lucifer’s Theorem, when he’d had no idea what nonsense was in store for him.

Hundreds of missed calls, his inbox full of messages - and he’d barely seen the latest of his mails (with the subject line “I’D MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY”, from… oh Devi, was that Come Come? Was the rest of the staff in on it now!?) when the phone began buzzing in his hand, announcing Suzy as the caller.

Decline Call.

More buzzing, Marbas this time.

Decline, Decline, Block Number…

Kalego quickly sent off a message to administration that he was taking a sick day and would not be coming in, before turning off the phone and falling back into his bed.

He hadn’t been this painfully tired ever before, not even when he’d been an overworked junior teacher surviving on Hellspresso shots and naps at his staff room desk. This kind of stress really did things to a man, and as much as he ought to power through, do his duty by the school and the students who relied on him for their education, he also… really didn’t want to, to be quite honest.

High work loads, threats to the school or students, he could deal with.

But matters of love and commitment had always been… difficult, for him, touchy and complicated, and there was a reason he valued the easy companionship he had with Balam above all else. It was rare for him, to be so comfortable with the idea of being close to another person, which tended to rather make him break out in hives instead - risking just what they already had together was… unthinkable, to him, no matter what else might, theoretically, be possible.

So, having everyone he had previously comfortably stashed under “colleague” and “acquaintance” suddenly show romantic interest in him… it was too much, jarring, unsettling, and Kalego genuinely didn’t want to be wanted this way.

(Except, perhaps, by who he wanted in turn. But that wasn’t happening, and the risk still too high.)

So, yes, Kalego was going to be a damned coward about this, sue him why don’t you. He didn’t have the nerve for anything else, and with the way the situation had only been steadily escalating so far, he was nothing short of terrified of what new horrors today had in store for him.

Determined to completely forget about Babylus’ existence, not to mention the people employed at it, Kalego turned over, buried his face in his pillow, and went back to sleep.

 

---

 

Kalego dreamed, to his pleasant surprise, of something startlingly nice. The details were a bit hazy, but there had been a demonic registrar’s office, Balam wearing a bridal veil, and a very well-dressed cactus making them sign some documents before formally pronouncing them teacher and teacher, while the Misfits threw cherry blossom petals over them and all their colleagues were cheering, despite appearing to be on fire.

However, just when the cactus said “and if anyone has reason to object to these two placing marriage bites upon each other’s hands, let them speak now or forever be silent”, a black cat with terrifyingly familiar red eyes crashed through the wall, jumped up on the registrar cactus’s desk, and batted Kalego’s face with their paw, meows sounding a lot like his name, getting increasingly insistent.

A hazy thought along the lines of why must Senpai ruin every good thing that ever happened to me rose up from the depths of his mind - and then, just like that, Kalego woke up.

 

---

 

Sunlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains now, little dust motes dancing through the air, and Kalego briefly weighed the pros and cons of trying to go back to sleep yet again, or getting up to water his cacti, when the most unpleasant feature of his dream returned with a vengeance.

“Oi oi, Kalego-kun,” said a measured monotone, a finger poking at the bags under his eyes. “Oi.”

Kalego’s head whipped around, and he nearly took out his own eye by bringing it dangerously close to the offending poking appendage.

Next to him in the bed lay his worst nightmare, a cruel spirit of malice haunting him, as usually taking on the form of a cat demon in butler dress, head propped up on one arm, and dangerous eyes watching him with a mixture of deadpan and veiled amusement.

“O-OPERA-SENPAI!” Kalego squeaked out, scrambling back until he was pressed up against the bed’s headboard, pulling the blanket up to his chest (even though his pyjamas were more than modest.) “WHA- WH- HOW-”

“Yes, it is indeed I, your Opera-senpai.” Opera blinked, lazy and cat-like, and Kalego just knew they were mocking him. “Good Demo-rning, Kalego-kun. I do hope you have slept well.”

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE,” Kalego said, in a calm, controlled voice that was absolutely suited to indoor conversation and not a panicked shout at all.

“The hinges on your door were obvious weak spots.” A twitch of their tail, Kalego pulling his knees up to his chest to be even further distanced from The Very Bane Of His Existence. “You may wish to hire a locksmith. ...and purchase a new door.”

Kalego scowled. Opera’s face did nothing at all.

“Let me. Rephrase.” He gritted out, glaring. ”Why did you get in here, apparently at the expense of my door?”

“I hear you have been on the receiving ends of many undesired marital advances, lately,” Opera said delicately, with all the careful politeness of a well-bred butler, while their eyes very clearly said ”you keep getting hit on and it is HILARIOUS to me.”

“So you’re here to mock my pain?” Kalego hissed. “Go on then, laugh, get it over with!”

“The Chairdemon expressed some concern regarding the potential loss of one of his best teachers,” Opera continued as if he had not spoken at all, “and since I cannot possibly allow Iruma-sama’s education to suffer under these unfortunate circumstances, I am not here to mock you, Kalego-kun, as much as you must admit it is a prime opportunity. I am here to help.”

“Help!” Kalego exclaimed, a little hysterically. “Help!”

“Indeed.” A twitch of their ears, a quirk of one eyebrow. Kalego hated himself a little for knowing them well enough to read the mirth out of those gestures. “Are you not grateful to your Opera-senpai for offering such generous support? Won’t you say thank you?”

Kalego only glowered, but did relax the tight set of his shoulders just very, very slightly. There was no trusting Opera, of course, and Kalego would be a fool to ever do so - but, quite honestly, there was very little they could do to make his situation worse, at this point. And as much as he hated to admit it, Opera was almost frighteningly competent, and a highly efficient problem-solver when the situation demanded it.

If there was any chance Senpai could fix this… and very few ways in which they could break it further…

“...thank you, Opera-senpai,” Kalego ground out between gritted teeth clenched so hard he suspected they would never be able to part again, “for… tch… your generous offer of help.”

“There, was that so hard?” Opera reached out to ruffle his still sleep-mussed hair. Kalego vividly imagined how satisfying it would be to bite their fingers off, damn the no doubt painful consequences, but grudgingly let it happen. It wouldn’t do to antagonise them now. “Be glad I did not expect you to say pretty please, as would have been my good right.”

Oh, consequences be damned, Kalego thought, and tried very hard to bury his fangs in Opera’s arm, only for them to pull it out of the way at the last second with a perfectly nonplussed expression. Damned Iruma’s evasion skills must be rubbing off.

“Oya oya, that’s no way to treat your Senpai!” Opera chided, one hand flashing through the air at sickening speed, only to come to a sudden halt and gently boop his nose. Bastard!

“Will you quit it then,” Kalego growled, “and get to the part where you help?”

“This is me helping.” Opera said, levelling him with an unimpressed deadpan look.

Kalego threw back a very rude word, which was certainly no way to treat your Senpai either, and buried his head in his hands.

 

 

 

“With our traditional affectionate banter thereby concluded,” Opera continued, pushing themselves up into a cross-legged sitting position, tail curling around their legs, “I am correct in the assumption that you will not return to school unless the unsolicited proposals cease, aren’t I.”

“Not a chance.” Kalego muttered into his palms. “I’d say I want them to desire me in silence, but actually I don’t want them to desire me at all.”

“You do realise that will be a very difficult goal to achieve?” Opera raised one eyebrow very slightly. “You are, in fact, a desirable man, Kalego-kun. At least once one gets over…” a gesture somehow implied to encompass all of Kalego’s negative traits, of which there were many “...as is self-evident.”

“Oh, thanks!”

“Do not mention it.” Opera inclined their head, pointedly ignoring Kalego’s sarcasm. “As I further gather, rejecting proposals has so far been proven unfruitful, and forbidding them on pain of death or worse is not an option, seeing as…”

“...they’re all my colleagues, and I can’t follow through on any threats of violence on a level that would actually deter them.” Kalego continued, defeatedly. “Yeah.”

Opera thought, their tail swishing back and forth in contemplation.

“...tell me, Kalego-kun, how much blackmail material do you have on your suitors?”

“Not enough.”
“Hm.”

More contemplative silence.

“The way I have taken stock of the situation,” Opera finally ventured, “your options are twofold. First-”

“Please don’t suggest arson.” Kalego interrupted.

“I had not been planning on it.”

”Good.”

A delicately - and pointedly - cleared throat.

“First,” Opera began anew, “you could attempt to make yourself utterly unmarriageable in some way. Change some aspect of yourself that will become a complete dealbreaker, turning away any and all interested parties, quite possibly making you a social pariah in the process.”

“Hm.” Kalego grimaced. A high price to pay. “Would be hard to find something bad enough. Especially since I don’t know what exactly it is that attracts them to me in the first place.”

“You might try - Devi forgive me for saying it - growing a moustache again.” Opera suggested, with a discreet little shudder running from the tips of their ears to the very end of their tail, raising one hand to daintily cover their mouth. “My, my, I can hardly believe those words passed my lips!”

Kalego, for his part, studiously avoided letting any part of Opera enter his field of vision, inspecting the pot of his favourite cactus with a lot more attention than it rightfully deserved, and trying very hard to swallow down the shame of the past.

---

(He had, once, around 5th year, attempted growing a - rather pitiful, admittedly - moustache, which had not really progressed beyond the stage that made Balam repeatedly attempt to "peel that hairy caterpillar off your face", despite all of Kalego's best efforts.

He'd been determined to eventually succeed in his moustache-cultivating endeavours; but then Opera-senpai had, unsurprisingly and very typical for them, put their finger on the crux of the thing by informing him "you know, Kalego-kun, just because Balam-kun finds a moustache attractive on George Demooney does not mean that he finds a moustache even remotely attractive on you."

The statement had been both brutally blunt, and even more brutally accurate.

Kalego had shaved all his facial hair off the very next day.)

---

"...no, no, I cannot in good conscience advise that." Opera solemnly shook their head. "Some of the follies of youth do not bear repeating. I implore you most ardently to not go down that path again - even though I am quite confident it would ensure nobody ever looked at you again, much less desired you."

Kalego winced. He would be affronted, but he had seen old class photos of that dark time, and Opera was… not incorrect.

 

“And you don’t think anything less drastic would do?” He muttered, chancing a glance back at Opera, whose fur still seemed a little ruffled by the memories the exchange had called up.

“Perhaps a combination of factors…” Opera considered him thoughtfully. “A change of appearance for the negative, an unpleasant stench, give away your entire fortune and go live in the wilderness - perhaps start a rumour or two that you are very poorly endowed, it certainly couldn’t hurt…”

“O- Opera-senpai!” Kalego flushed, letting out something that was NOT a scandalised squawk. “I- that is- I am not- but-”

He took a deep, steadying breath, and tried to ignore the tip of Opera’s tail flicking in amusement like a particularly venomous snake poising itself to cheerfully strike - perhaps into areas of not-further-specified endowment. Kalego shuddered.

“That seems… excessive, and like some of it would still impact my teaching.” He ground out, cheeks burning and eyes fixed firmly on his hands clutching the blanket. “...you mentioned there being a second option?”

“Indeed I did. It’s quite simple, in theory.” Opera leaned forward slightly, resting their chin on their folded hands. “The alternative is leaving you as desirable as ever, but make it virtually impossible to, in fact, marry you, discouraging futile proposals.”

“How? How?” Kalego, too, leaned forward in a somewhat mortifying display of eagerness. “Elaborate!”

“The simplest way to accomplish it-”

“Yes?”

“Would be-”

”Yes?”

“Being already married.” Opera concluded. “Ideally registered as an exclusive partnership, extending the contracts of those to more members can be done, legally, but it is a long, arduous process, which only one person can file for at a time - reducing the scope of your problem significantly, at the very least.”

“YE- ...no.” Kalego blinked, taken aback. “But, Senpai... I’m not married…?”

 

 

 

“You are indeed not married.”

Opera leaned in even closer, something in the quirk of their brow significant and meaningful.

“...yet.”

Notes:

Well well well, Opera's intentions come to light... whatever could they be planning now? The only sure thing is, Kalego won't like it...

Here's the art of Kalego and his terrible moustache, WITHOUT the moustache, just to really illustrate how much better he looks without it.

 

 

You can also find both of these here on my Tumblr!

Thank you all again for the continued love for this story, please do leave a kudos or tell me what you think in a comment!

Chapter 5: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Notes:

Friday update time! We're halfway through this fic by now! \^-^/
Time for that "fake marriage" tag to pay off... or should I have tagged "marriage of convenience"? Well, too late now.

(Also, side note, in case it might be a nOTP for you, there'll be some reference to past Kalego/Opera in this chapter, and also past Balam/unnamed other student. Proceed with caution if that's not your cup of tea - though it's mostly brief references in flashbacks.)

Finally: as always, please enjoy the new chapter! <3

“Yet.”

The word was like a tiny little coin inserted into the top of Kalego’s skull, rattling around here and there, until it finally, finally, in the manner of proverbial pennies, dropped.

Kalego instantly recoiled, very nearly falling off the bed entirely and having to employ a rather undignified scramble to stay on.

There were many things he could have said in the throes of his shock and outrage, but the most vital was…

“N-NOT YOU!” Kalego spluttered, knowing well that his face had likely taken on the colouring of an extremely embarrassed Devimato with a severe sunburn. “NO! NEVER! ABSOLUTELY NOT!”

“My heart breaks at being so vehemently rejected,” Opera said in an even monotone, not seeming in the least upset. “Oh the pangs, oh the woe, of unrequited love.”

“NOT EVEN IF WE WERE THE LAST TWO DEMONS IN THE NETHERWORLD!” Kalego shrieked - the time for claiming he was in fact talking calmly and authoritatively in a reasonable octave had come and gone - and pulled the blanket up to his chin protectively.

“I recall you claiming that once before…” Opera muttered - no, purred, oh Devi - crawling closer with the unmistakable look of a panther stalking a small, fluffy, helpless prey animal. “Though you were surprisingly quick to change your tune, and, well, by the end of the night...”

“It- that was a MISTAKE!” Kalego hissed, trying both to glare at them and resolutely not meet their gaze, ending up looking as if he was quite furious with something just to the side of Opera’s left upper arm. “There was nothing- it was purely physical, and- it was just the once!”

“And the twice. And the thrice. And the… well, quite honestly, Kalego-kun, I feel like I lost count eventually, surely you did as well?”

---

(In case the Esteemed Reader feels some confusion: while the moustache in 5th year had no doubt been a mistake, the greatest, most foolish, distinctly capitalised Mistake Kalego had ever made took the shape of a terribly ill-advised liaison with a certain Senpai; which had lasted all throughout the fall term of his 4th year, had most certainly NOT involved any emotion at all, and ended with more of a whisper than a shout - mostly because Balam had found out and started to try “giving the two of you space, you don’t need a third wheel!” which Kalego had found unacceptable. If it was between Balam’s company and the trysts with Senpai, there was never any question about which one he would choose.

Opera had taken it quite well, harbouring no hard feelings whatsoever - though, unfortunately, they had also made it their mission to make it abundantly clear that they were not opposed to a casual repeat or two, for old times’ sake, in the years that followed, which clashed very strongly with Kalego’s impulse to forget that there was a sadistic cat butler out there who knew him quite intimately (in the necronomical sense, if the Esteemed Reader catches my drift) and would, in theory, be quite adept at leveraging that knowledge to suit their needs.

Kalego had never been shy to push back against his Senpai’s pestering before… but that entire sequence of events had made things a good deal more complicated, and played a key role in his current avoidance and borderline-fear of Opera, as well as his belief that dating only ever made things worse, and was an entirely unnecessary risk.)

---

“Oh, you s-shameless-!” Kalego stuttered, dying of both anger and mortification. “Nothing ever happened! Not once! And nothing ever will again!”

(He still lived in the hope that, if he only repeated this often enough, it would one day come true, erasing any memory to the contrary from collective consciousness. Hopefully.)

“My sweet little kouhai loves me not, and denies our past happiness…” Opera let themselves fall back against the pillows with a sigh, somehow managing to sound both melodramatic and bored. “Honestly, Kalego-kun, you act as if I had somehow coerced you into it, while I recall quite vividly that you were the one to instigate the whole affair, initially.”

“I did no such thing,” Kalego lied, lyingly, like a liar. And then “stop that!”, seeing as Opera’s tail had come up to brush teasingly against his cheek, which he really wanted no part of. Damned flirty cats.

“I did wonder for the longest time what brought it on, back then.” Opera continued conversationally, inspecting their claws with a pointedly casual air. “The timing was quite peculiar, I recall.”

“Senpai…” Kalego growled, a little alarmed. He hadn’t thought they were… aware of that part of his more ulterior motivations, previously.

“Just after Balam-kun started going out with that bastard of an upperclassman! What a coincidence!” Opera continued, feigning surprise very unconvincingly. “Almost as if that first moment of weakness, as you so loved to refer to it, was brought on by some measure of jealousy and the pain of unrequited-”

“THOSE EVENTS DID NOT COINCIDE AT ALL!” Kalego interrupted at quite some volume, very nearly tempted to slap one hand over Opera’s mouth for good measure. “THERE IS NO CONNECTION!”

---

(This, too, was a bold-faced lie. Kalego had, in fact, been quite sorely affected by Balam going off with That Bastard, who he had hated first on principle, and then quite genuinely, deciding that if Balam could go out with a slightly older absolute jerk, then so could he, out of sheer spite and the folly of youth.

It had later turned out that the only reason The Bastard had ever looked at Balam twice had been a particularly cruel dare, and while Balam had merely shrugged with melancholic resignation, Kalego himself had been furious, setting out with the firm intent to make the guy regret that he’d ever been born.

Opera had joined him in it, coincidentally, informing him that, as Top Dog, they were very much responsible for avenging their underlings’ physical and emotional pain, before proceeding to help rip The Bastard apart with a viciousness that was rare even for them.

To this day, the two of them had never been quite as much on the same page as in that moment, fighting side by side, fuelled by the same outrage, and wanting to protect the same cherished companion.

It had been the first and last time that Kalego had almost, very nearly, been fine- ish with being Opera’s underling, and consequently a moment of great shame for him now.)

---

“If you say so,” Opera hummed, stretching out languidly on Kalego’s bed as if it belonged to them. Which it did not, and never would. “You can lie to me all you wish, Kalego-kun, can even lie to yourself, but it will not change the fact that we both know the truth…”

“I should throw you out of my flat, you despicable creature!” Kalego spat. “You have no intention of helping me at all, do you? Only join in with the proposals to spite me, and dredge up- matters, which should remain in the past, and are private besides!”

“Now, now, angry puppy~” Opera regarded him patiently from under half-lowered lids. “If you had let me explain, before so rudely pre-rejecting me, leading the conversation off-track, you would have known that I had no intention whatsoever of adding my voice to the choir clamouring for your hand.”

“...you. You didn’t?” Kalego, who had been rather working his way up to an extended rant, suddenly felt at a loss for words. “Oh. Well. Good.”

“Please, contain your immeasurable disappointment.” Opera shot him the closest thing they had to a smirk, which didn’t actually make use of much of their facial muscles at all. “I’m quite happily single, rest assured. And… as fondly as I look back on the past, and as much as I enjoy ruffling your familiar form’s feathers, I do understand that you are not amenable to a repeat performance, and most likely never will be.”

A pause, a slow, lazy blink that almost held connotations of genuine affection.

“I apologise for pressing this idle little suit of mine nonetheless, honestly I do. You are simply too much fun to tease, Kalego-kun, and nothing else ever quite got this level of a reaction, so I may have… fixated on it, a little. It was wrong of me, and I am sorry. That was no way to treat a cherished underling, and I will cease. Though I reserve my right to cuddle fluffy-wuffy you now and then, I’d be positively destitute otherwise.”

If Kalego had been at a loss of words before, he had now misplaced absolutely everything else, flailing about alone in the void.

Of course, this wasn’t all so surprising, Opera had apologised to him before… and then cheerfully carried on doing exactly what they wanted, of course. Them actually promising to change their behaviour out of consideration for him, that was absolutely unheard of, and Kalego didn’t have a clue what he should possibly do with it.

As far as he had been concerned, Opera-senpai’s only goal in life was to torture him, with some secondary motivations regarding Sullivan, Iruma, and perhaps Balam. The mere implication that Opera held some genuine affection for him beyond a fascination with fluffiness and mild nostalgia for past trysts was almost unthinkable, and Kalego nearly wished they’d hate him instead, so they could just fight to the death one day and have the matter over and done with.

Thinking of Opera as an ally instead of his archnemesis (put on this earth only to be the bane of his existence, and all that) would be a slow, difficult change… but perhaps he ought to start trying, nonetheless.

 

 

“So, since I would neither marry you for love, nor for money, seeing as I’m set to inherit a third of all Lord Sullivan owns, with the rest going to Iruma-sama, and am therefore quite well-situated in the long term…” Opera shrugged. “The only benefit to proposing would have been seeing your no doubt hilariously outraged reaction - which you then so generously provided, anyway. Hence, I had, and still have, no intent whatsoever to suggest myself as your alibi spouse.”

“I… see.” Kalego muttered, still somewhat reeling.

“It’s surely for the best, in the end.” Opera was absentmindedly kneading the pillow in an increasingly feline manner. “You are somewhat high-maintenance, and I cannot help but feel like I’ve dodged a significant bullet.”

Kalego shot them a sour look, but wisely did not attempt to argue for his weddability.

“Who would you have suggested, then?” He asked through gritted teeth. “If not... yourself.”

“Kalego-kun, I am so glad you asked.” Opera twisted and stretched, tail fluffing out, tip whipping back and forth with frankly worrying excitement. “What we require is someone close to you. Close enough to be believable as a choice of spouse for you, and close enough to go along with the idea voluntarily, since I don’t believe hiring a stranger to pose as your significant other would be at all wise. That kind of thing leaves you very open to blackmail, and without some baseline of caring for you, there is always the risk they may divorce you without notice, or, ah, go philandering elsewhere, thus damaging your reputation and once more calling the validity of the marriage into question. No, we need someone who cares for and respects you enough to faithfully perform this service to you, and who you spend at least roughly enough time with for your colleagues to believe you would marry them - and, obviously, someone you can even remotely stand being married to, even if it is a ruse. While I myself would meet the closeness requirement, this latter point disqualifies me quite firmly, so we must needs continue looking.”

Kalego nodded mutely. Opera had quite evidently thought this through in great, mildly disconcerting detail.

“I personally would recommend a Babylus teacher. I don’t believe I have ever seen you socialise with anyone over a prolonged period of time outside of work, you hardly even attend any of the deviculums since Sullivan-sama has begun to regularly take me along, and if I cannot imagine you courting someone outside of that school, then neither will anyone else. You would never bind yourself to anyone who would not understand what Babylus means to you, that is terribly obvious.”

“Hm.” Kalego inclined his head, remembering similar sentiments delivered by various relatives over the years, reminding him that people might not understand, and that it would be unsuitable for a Naberius to wed anyone who couldn’t at least partially sympathise with the duties of a devoted guardian. “So you say I should pick out one of my colleagues and… accept their proposal. Marrying the lesser evil, so to speak.”

“That is precisely what I am saying.” Opera’s ears twitched, once, twice. “As for which colleague… again, the closer you are to them, the better. Someone with a calm, even temper, who would not rile you up or annoy you when you wish for peace and quiet. Someone who loves - oh, do not deny it, you stubborn little doggy, I know you do - your students as much as you do, is as dedicated to the work of a teacher, and will listen to your rants and perhaps bring you tea - or any other beverage, it needn’t be tea, but I assumed your preferences would lie in that direction. Someone who is as resistant to alcohol as you, perhaps.”

“...getting oddly specific there, Senpai.”

“Hush you.” Opera waved him off, before continuing unperturbed. “Perhaps someone with an artistic hobby, or an interest for plants and creatures, seeing as music and cacti are the closest you have to great passions. Someone who is your equal in magic and strength, or at least has strengths where you have weaknesses, or vice versa. A person who you feel like you could fit together with, and who you could always trust to do right by you, be it as your significant other or in a platonic capacity, who would never ask for something you’re not willing to give, and would be willing to give you anything you ask. And now that I have laid matters out this way…”

Opera’s gaze was suddenly sharp and intent in their focus on him, almost searching, probing, expectant.

“Tell me, Kalego-kun, can you think of anyone, anyone at all, who could fit the bill, and who you then should take as your husb- your spouse? Anyone?”

 

Kalego thought.

Carefully turned over Opera’s words, weighed them one by one, and considered his fellow teachers with matching care for the one that would be most likely to serve him well in a paperwork marriage to stop the rest of the vultures from circling. Who he could imagine to spend the rest of his life - or at least the foreseeable future, until things had blown over and a divorce could be arranged - with.

And really, in the end, when it came right down to it, there was only one single option that stood out above the rest.

 

“As much as it pains me to admit this…” Kalego ground out through gritted teeth. “Senpai, you’re… right.”

“Oh my.” Opera’s ears twitched, pleased, and they pulled out their phone. “Say it again, so that I may make it my ringtone?”

“Don’t push it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“As I was saying,” Kalego eyed their innocent bland expression with distrust, “what you’re propos- suggesting does seem the ideal course of action. And there’s one ideal candidate available, too.”

“I had thought there might be,” Opera purred, looking very much like a cat who had been indulging in a frankly decadent amount of cream. “And I am glad you’re coming around to my point of view, Kalego-kun.”

“Really, there’s only one person who would even remotely serve.”

“Precisely.”

“So, I should get married...”

“Absolutely.”
“...to…”

An encouraging nod, Opera leaning forward.

 

 

 

“...Blushenko.” Kalego finished, matter-of-factly.

 

 

 

“Exactly, to Bala-! Wait. No. No.” Opera blinked, their eyes enormous. “Blushenko? Buer Blushenko!?”

“Is there any other Blushenko working at the school?” Kalego rolled his eyes. “Yes, of course Buer Blushenko. I’m rather certain you’ve met him, the Buer family does attend deviculums with some regularity.”

“Yes. No. Wait. But.” Opera’s face was currently experiencing quite the journey through a number of expressions, all of which were perfectly empty and devoid of any kind of muscle movement, their ears were set at extremely confused half-angles, and their head was tilting to the side ever so slightly - all in all, it was the most baffled Kalego had ever seen them, and that included the time he and Balam had pranked them with a laser pointer. “Blushenko-san. Him. What. No. Why?”

“Well. He’s ideal. That’s why.” Kalego shrugged, trying not to look too obviously amused at their reaction. Payback was ever so sweet. “A teacher, someone I’m reasonably close with, as close as I get at least, and with a measured enough temper. Powerful, respected family, a bloodline magic that is greatly valued and envied, and I do believe he cares for his students, even though that Shaoran boy of his is almost as great a menace as Iruma. I could do worse. And…”

Kalego looked down at his fidgeting fingers.

“Devi knows why he ever proposed in the first place, but I do know that… well, that he’s not particularly interested in… certain things... so I need not fear that he might expect something of me that I am not prepared to give. Which is a genuine concern with many of the rest, as you pointed out I am, regrettably, objectively desirable. To have to play at love - or more - for a sham marriage would be utterly distasteful to me, and choosing Blushenko as my spouse firmly eliminates that possibility. Making him the logical optimal choice.”

Opera stared at him, their ears drooping, and something lost and confused in the very depths of their eyes.

“I thought…” A slow blink. “That you would choose…”

“I know who you had in mind, Senpai.” Kalego interrupted sharply. “You were obvious enough about pushing… that option. But I cannot possibly choose him, not for this.”

“Why not?” One of Opera’s hands shot out, grabbing him by the wrist much too firmly, small bones creaking against each other. ”Why not? You love him! You’ve loved him since before you and I ever met, from the very first day you knew him, how is he not your ideal partner!?”

“Yes! I love him!” Kalego snapped, wrenching his arm out of their grasp. “Damn it all to Hell, I do! Making him far from ideal for a FAKE marriage!”

“You absolute fool.” Opera hissed, hissed, rising up into a kneeling position, confusion giving way to anger and a readiness to come to blows over this if need be. “It will only stay a fakery if you insist on being too much of a coward to-”

“THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE, SENPAI!” Kalego barked, hackles rising. “Shichirou is to be kept out of this, do you understand? I don’t want him involved, I’d prefer it if he never got wind of any part of it, and I will most certainly not ask him to pretend to be married to me, because… because…”

Kalego’s voice broke, and something small and wet that was most decidedly not a tear slipped out of his eye and down his cheek.

“...it will ruin everything, and I don’t think my heart could bear it.” He finished, very simply and with utmost honesty, meeting Opera’s eyes with all the desperation, the fear, the pain, he felt at the mere thought of losing the one true constant in his life.

Opera pulled their arm back, eyes sharp as flint and brimming over with frustration, and for a moment, just a moment, Kalego genuinely thought they might strike him, despite not having physically fought each other in well over a decade.

And then they paused.

Seemed to almost collapse in on themselves, fury giving way to something quietly resigned.

“Oh, my silly little kouhai, what am I to do with you,” Opera sighed, reaching out and, with an uncommon gentleness, wiping the tear off Kalego’s cheek. “I merely want you happy, is that so much to ask? To trust that your Senpai means well and knows best, just this once?”

“I trust that you mean well.” Kalego said hoarsely, and to his own surprise, found that he meant it. “But knowing best? No. No you don’t. So leave your paws off of matters that are between Shichirou and me only, and help me carry out this plan in a way I see fit.”

 

 

“...Blushenko-san it is, then.” Opera’s ears were still at a miserable angle, but no wonder, their ill-conceived matchmaker plan had just failed. “A passable option for the current predicament, if not sustainable in the long run.”

“The long run is perfectly fine the way it is. Couldn’t be better, in fact,” Kalego grumbled, even a little ashamed himself at how bold-faced a lie that was. “So, how do I go about marrying him?”

“Simple enough. I took the liberty of making some preparations in advance.” Opera leaned over the edge of the bed, and resurfaced with a thin stack of documents. “Put your combined magical signature here, in front of at least one witness, and that will make you husbands in the eye of the law.”

Kalego picked up the paper titled “Formal Alliance Registration (marriage bond, pair, exclusive) as according to subparagraph §13b” and skimmed through it. Seemed all in order, with his own details already filled in and that of the spouse left blank, and the signature of a registrar already… already…

“Senpai,” Kalego said, very calmly, “why is this ratified by Chairdemon Sullivan?”

“Because he was the closest available ordained hellpriest I had at hand.” Opera responded evenly. “It seemed neater than finding another, or a certified registrar, at this early hour of the day.”

“And why is Sullivan an ordained hellpriest!?”

“Delkira-sama, Devi rest him, had An Idea.” Opera shrugged, as if that statement alone sufficed to explain it. “As the Chairdemon tells it, there is a lengthy tale behind it, which was as much of a mortifying ordeal at the time as it is hilariously funny now, but I rather doubt you are much interested in the peculiars of this affair.”

A short huff of breath that was probably Opera’s version of a laugh. “There was a crudely-yet-humorously shaped vegetable and a duck in a little hat involved. It truly is a very funny story.”

“...no doubt.” Kalego muttered, shuffling the papers back into a stack. “Anything else we need?”

“Leave all the rest up to me.” Opera flipped open their phone, fingers flying over the buttons without them even looking. “Though I do believe you ought to get changed. As lovely as the pattern with the smiling little cacti is, I doubt you want to be married in your pyjamas.”

“They were in my gift bag from the cactus gardener conference,” Kalego flushed, rising from the bed with as much dignity as having cheerful cartoon flora all over yourself allowed. “And you are not to comment on them ever again in any way, shape, or form.”

“Tailsy promise.” Opera solemnly vowed.

 

 

Kalego was not even halfway to the wardrobe when the characteristic sound of a camera shutter rang out behind him.

“SENPAI!!!!”

Notes:

Opera, their eyes enormous: you marry Blushenko? You marry him like the idiot!? Jail! Jail for Kalego-kun for 1000 years!!!
They do genuinely care about Kalego and his happiness, and are ever so exhausted by the idiot man actively sabotaging himself... and now, they're going to help him fake-marry the WRONG teacher, in the faint hope that it'll at least get Balam jealous.
Underlings, honestly... more trouble than they're worth, sometimes.

Next chapter will see the fake-marriage plot being put into action, and a few certain students will further add their support!

If you enjoyed, please do leave a comment, I'm having a lot of fun reading and answering them! ^-^ <3

Chapter 6: Executing Plans Aleph and Bet

Notes:

The plan is set in motion - after two chapters of just Kalego and Opera talking, we finally expand the cast again, with lots of teachers and students joining the story!
(There may even be the most fabulous character in the entire series... >Ronove theme music starts playing<)

Also, I invented a bloodline ability for Smoke (the Student Council girl in purple who has no eyes) for this chapter, and I do want to warn for very mild eye-related body horror there. Nothing particularly disturbing, but if you're sensitive to that, please read on with caution!

Other from that, please enjoy the new chapter! <3

“Explain it to me again,” Kalego touched down by the school gates, folding his wings behind him and carefully adjusting the fit of his three detection warding glasses (plus one detection warding monocle, and detection warding contact lenses. It couldn’t hurt to be safe.) “Why are we meeting Blushenko at the school, of all places, instead of setting up this marriage somewhere more discreet and as far away from my marriage-happy colleagues as possible?”

“After your recent and enduring disappearing act, the school is the very last place anyone will expect you to be.” Opera landed on cat-light feet beside him, making a show out of dusting themselves off. “Furthermore, Blushenko-san will not arouse suspicions by attempting to sneak out during the school day, and as soon as the contract is finalised, you can immediately tell all your colleagues that you are now taken and go on with whatever teaching modules your day usually consists of. Clean and simple, isn’t it.”

“Hm.” Kalego frowned. “You told Blushenko where and why to meet us?”

“Where, yes. Why, no. I thought it more prudent to fully explain the situation in person, so all he knows is to meet you in his office at the appointed time, alone, for discussion of… an important personal matter, which he is to tell nobody about under pain of myself.”

Kalego shuddered. “Under pain of Opera” was an effective and utterly terrifying deterrent, more so even than death, and he trusted that Blushenko with his aversion to any kind of pain whatsoever would take it seriously.

“So all we have to do is reach the meeting place ideally undetected in…” Kalego checked his pocket watch. “About 15 minutes. Yes, that’s going to work out great.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t become you, Kalego-kun.” Opera informed him pleasantly. “And never fear. I have arranged for back-up.”

“You what,” Kalego snapped, but received no answer, Opera instead waving to… to…

 

 

“RONOVE IS REPORTING FOR DUTY! ...DUTY! ...TY!” Ronove shouted proudly and echo-ly, wearing a particularly sparkly sequined version of the Student Council uniform, as well as what appeared to be a rainbow cape. “SENSEI, WE ARE HERE TO- ow!”

“Gyo! Gyo shhh!” A much smaller shape next to him had kicked him in the shin, and Ronove went down hard, clutching his leg and sobbing that Natasha was being mean to him again.

“I’ve changed my mind about all this. Let’s leave again.” Kalego said, a little desperately, but Opera had his sleeve in an iron grip. “Senpai, please!”

“I apologise for that display, Sensei, Opera-san.” Ameri stepped up behind the still-sniffling Ronove, drawing herself up to full height, and saluting, as did the four behind her, and the little blob that had brutalised Ronove’s tibia. “Babylus Student Council reporting for escort and protection duties in full contingent, sir!”

“Um! I’m also here!” Iruma - That Little Menace Who Was Surely Going To Make Things Worse Somehow - held up one hand. “Hi Kalego-sensei! Hi Opera-san!”

“Hello, Iruma-sama.” Opera bowed slightly. “Is everyone in positions?”

“Yup!” Iruma nodded happily, clutching his phone to his chest. “All the other Misfits are ready and waiting to start distracting teachers at your command. Just give the word, and I’ll message the group chat to set the plan in motion!”

“And we have scouted out the most secure route through the school in advance.” Ameri added confidently, crossing her arms. “Additionally, should we fail to remain undetected, Ronove will draw away their attention using [Charisma]. You are in safe hands with us, rest assured.”

“...you got the students to help?” Kalego muttered, baffled. “Really?”

“Oh, they practically fell over themselves to volunteer.” Opera shot him that look of theirs that was perfectly expressionless, but smirking nonetheless. “Especially those Misfits of yours. They’re very protective of you, you know.”

Kalego blinked a couple times. A mote of dust must’ve gotten into his eyes.

“Ah, yes, Kalego-sensei?” Iruma piped up again, squinting at his phone screen. “I’m supposed to tell you from Lied-kun that he’s really very sorry that he couldn’t stop his sister from following him to school, he promises he tried. And Schneider-kun also apologises, Furcas-sensei offered him an advance on his college credit and he didn’t realise what the, uh, slideshow was about until it started, and at that point he really didn’t know how to intervene without making things worse. Oh! And Azz-kun promises not to resort to arson. In part because I asked him to, but also because he thought what you said about it not being the solution to everything actually makes kind of sense, and he trusts your expertise as a teacher.”

Kalego blinked harder. Maybe two dust motes.

“And… I really am glad Opera-san suggested that we could help.” Iruma, That Little Fool Who Couldn’t Read The Room And Pick Up On The Fact That Kalego Was In Danger Of Experiencing An Emotion If This Went On Any Longer, was smiling up at him with bright round doe eyes. “After all, you’re always there for us, Sensei, teaching us, guiding us, protecting us. Even when you give us extra homework, or hard exams, or make us fight big dangerous beasts, it’s always because you want us to grow and be prepared for adulthood, and you make sure it’s not altogether too much for us. We’re so grateful for that, really! And that’s why we really wanted to help you in turn, you know. It would be a way to give something back, show you that we appreciate all your hard work, and are willing to fight for your wellbeing, too. Which we are! We’re going to keep you safe, Sensei, promise from all of us Misfits!”

Oh, bloody hell, but it was very dusty out here, Kalego thought, wiping at his eye to stop the tearing up that was a purely physical reaction. It was just his Idiot Problem Students, being a bit less idiotic or problematic than usual, that absolutely did not warrant an emotional reaction.

...perhaps it could be blamed on his overall rather fragile state after the events of the past few days? Really, under normal circumstances, he would never be so strangely touched by the Misfits showing appreciation of their teacher. He was working this thankless job to shape useless lumps into fine young demons with a firm hand, not for any kind of gratitude or, Nether Forbid, something akin to love. These things were irrelevant. Unnecessary. Detrimental, even, to the teaching efforts.

But that didn’t change that Kalego felt strangely warm at the mere thought, and better about himself than he had at any other point in the past few days, so… there was that, he had to begrudgingly admit.

 

“...Silence.” Kalego grumbled in a just slightly choked voice, reaching out very awkwardly to tap Iruma’s head once, twice, and then add a little hair-ruffle for good measure. Two headpats in as many days, he really was going soft. “You kids have nothing at all to prove, you hear me? Concentrate on your exams, do all your damn homework proper for once - tell Valac to stop typing hers up in demonic sans at least, I can’t stand that font - and that’s all the show of appreciation I’ll require. But…”

Kalego tried looking away from Iruma’s too-damn-earnest gaze, but neither the Student Council’s proud smiles nor Opera’s smug look was any better.

“But, hm, I am nonetheless… not unhappy at this show of support.” He admitted reluctantly. “It’s a decent thing to do, being aware of what debts of gratitude you owe, and helping out your fellow demon. ...good job.”

Iruma let out a soft sound that was half gasp and half exclamation of pure happiness, breaking out into a beaming smile that lit up his whole face, and a good amount of the surrounding area.

 

And then, he hugged Kalego.

 

It was only a very brief spur-of-the-moment thing, Iruma immediately jerking back once he realised what he was doing, and quickly stammering apologies while trying to force down his continuing smile that hadn’t dimmed even the slightest bit - but it was undeniably a hug.

Kalego, for his part, stood frozen. This had never happened before. Nobody had ever looked at Naberius Kalego before and considered him even remotely huggable. These things simply did not happen to him.

(However, as he would find out later, to his great misfortune, when these things did happen to him, they happened in Opera’s presence, meaning there was photographic evidence they would delight in showing around later.)

 

 

 

“Tch.” Kalego finally said, though it sounded rather more weak than he intended it to. And then “tch” again, in an embarrassed, somewhat helpless sort of fashion, for lack of anything better to say.

“Well then, while my sweet little kouhai is mourning his shattered reputation as an untouchable, emotionless bloodhound of a teacher…” Opera clasped his shoulder with one hand in a gesture that was perhaps meant as reassuring, but which read as a lot more intimidating to Kalego. “Ameri-san, I turn over command of this operation to you. I am certain you will not disappoint me.”

“Opera-san, I shall endeavour to be worthy of the trust placed in me.” Ameri saluted sharply, before turning her steel gaze to the rest of her Student Council. “AAAATTENTION!”
“YES BOSS!” The council echoed in unison, with only a single “GYO!” and a slightly weak “roro~” falling out of step, shoulders being drawn up and heels brought together in a parade stance.

“Council, this mission is of utmost importance!” Ameri continued to bark, striding along the line of students in a distinctly military manner Kalego couldn’t help but admire. If only his own students or colleagues had half that discipline… “We are executing Plan Aleph, so discretion is the watchword. Our aim is to avoid detection at all cost. Do not engage the enemy. Completing our escort mission with all due stealth is our main goal, only if we cannot avoid confrontation will we move on to other strategies. You all know the planned route?”
“Yes boss!”

“Right then. Iruma, have the Misfits enact Plan Aleph. Johnny Western, Quichelight, Nafra, Ronove, assume escort positions!”

Another chorus of “yes boss!”, and the four moved to surround Kalego, Opera and Iruma - tapping away on his phone again - with the former two stepping behind them, the other two standing one at each side.

Ameri assumed the vanguard position in front of them, almost glowing with firm determination. “Iruma! Misfits status?”

“Misfits confirmed, Ameri-san!” Iruma held up the phone. “Teacher distractions engaged, route is clear.”

“Have them keep it that way for as long as possible, and be on standby for further orders.” Ameri nodded firmly. “Smoke, we’ll need you to scout - and Grave, you’ll be her guide.”

“Yes boss!” Ashtaroth Smoke saluted, and reached into the pocket of her council uniform to pull out two white orbs, each with a single spot of colour - pupils, irises, eyes. Two eyes, their pupils a striking violet colour, completely unperturbed by the fact that they were not currently residing in Smoke’s face, where one might think they rightfully belonged, but cradled in her hand instead.

Kalego had been vaguely aware of the Ashtaroth bloodline ability, but had to admit he had never truly seen [Second Sight] in action before. The apparent eyelessness of the family was notoriously misleading - while the Ashtaroths had smooth bone and skin where most other demons would have eyes, they were by no means lacking that particular sense. No, their eyes were merely a little bit more flexible in their potential positioning, and could see from any vantage point their owner chose to position them in. Effectively, two little spy cameras, a good deal more discreet than the usual squat little videomon with its round black body, wings, and camera-lens eye, and not requiring any receiver other than just Smoke herself.

A little whisper, and one eye jumped into the air, whizzing through the school gates to scout ahead, the other floating in the other direction at a more sedate pace, hovering just behind them to presumably continue watching their backs, and check for potential pursuers.

“Smoke-san?” Grave held out his arm, letting her grab his uniform jacket by the elbow to serve as a guide. After all, with one eye ahead and the other behind, there was no sight left for her to make sure she wouldn’t run into any walls - Kalego recalled that other members of her family were more prone to conjuring up a cane, or even summoning their familiar to lead them in such an eventuality, and it was only due to the trust the Student Council had for each other that Smoke was accepting another demon as guide instead.

“Ready?” Ameri called out, and “ready!” everyone echoed, even Kalego, who was jabbed in the side by Opera until he did.

“Excellent. We proceed en route then.”

And proceed they did.

 

---

 

It was somewhat slow going, with frequent stops to wait until Smoke gave the all-clear to continue on - but steady progress was being made. They had gotten through the courtyard and the entrance hall without issue, and any students passing by them were usually quickly cowed by an imperious look from Ameri, or, if that didn’t serve, Kalego growling “shouldn’t you be in class?”, which got them scampering away quickly enough. The students weren’t posing a proposal threat, but they couldn’t afford drawing a crowd and attracting a curious teacher or two who would be down on one knee as soon as they saw who was causing such a commotion.

Slow and steady was fine by Kalego, as long as they would make it to their appointment with Blushenko, and finally put this sorry matter to rest once and for all.

 

However, as the Esteemed Reader can surely guess, knowing how the fates liked to torment Kalego, that would’ve been far, far too easy.

 

“Uh-oh,” Iruma said, at the same time Smoke let out a far ruder curse that, in Kalego’s opinion, should not be uttered on school grounds.

“Misfits report struggles, multiple teachers have left their secure positions!” Iruma read off of the screen, voice a little high with panic, and “they’re in pursuit, two corridors behind us, rapidly approaching. They seem to know, or at least suspect, where we are.” Smoke said, less alarmed but nonetheless distressed.

“Damn!” Ameri spat, pushing past and dropping into combat stance between Kalego and whoever was about to hunt him down. “Plan Bet it is. Get ready, everyone.”

Curt nods from everyone, Smoke holding her hands up to catch the eyes whizzing back to her, and Ronove applying glitter powder to his cheeks, the entire Student Council moving to block the corridor behind them.

A moment of calm, everyone bracing themselves in silence…

And then, all Hell broke loose.

 

---

 

“THERE he is!” Orias shouted triumphantly, skidding around the corner with Shax helplessly clinging to the back of his jacket, doing his level best to pull him back.

“Hah, I knew the students were hiding someth-” Dali began, making a beeline for the Student Council barricade and Kalego behind it, only to be tackled by Jazz and Camui after two steps, the three of them crashing down hard.

Other teachers were following, some effectively held back by various desperate Misfits, others not so much - Suzy was quickly closing the distance between them with her finger pointed at Kalego (“you’ll not escape us this time, yis!”) despite Sabro clinging to her ankle, being dragged along the floor - but all of them most certainly much too close for Kalego’s comfort. They were all clamouring over each other, teachers shouting proposals, Misfits begging them to stop proposing, and Student Council members warning them that they should not take another step closer, or action would have to be taken.

It was pandemonium, absolute pandemonium, and Kalego felt something very primal and fight-or-flight bubble up inside him, shying away from the shouts almost instinctively.

“NOW!” Ameri shouted over the noise - and Ronove stepped forward.

“BEHOLD RONOVE!” He cried out, the glitter powder on his face catching the light just so, as he struck a dramatic pose and let his rainbow cape flow behind him - and with [Charisma] in effect, every head did jerk around to behold Ronove in all his sparkling glory, providing the ultimate distraction.

“YES! KEEP YOUR GAZE ON RONOVE!” Ronove continued, inching towards the intersection to another corridor, trying to draw them away. “BE ENTRANCED BY MY FABULOUSITY!”
“That’s not a word, you idiot!” Johnny Western shouted over the heads of the crowd.

“WHATEVER!!!” Ronove shot back, throwing a handful of roses in his vague direction. “ALL THAT MATTERS IS ME - AND WHO AM I, YOU ASK?”

(Faint music began swelling in the background, a catchy beat.)

“I AM THE ONE AND ONLY RONOVE, RONOVE, RONO-ahck!”

Robin had thrown himself at Ronove, clambering up to catch his neck in a chokehold - and instantly, all colour drained from Ronove’s face and was promptly replaced with a distinctly ashen tint, his knees wobbled and gave out, and his entire body slid to the floor with all the structural integrity and grace of a well-cooked noodle dropping from a fork.

“A m-m-man is t-touching me…” Ronove croaked out in a despairing whisper, [Charisma] flickering once, twice, the first chords of his songs fading out again. “Ronove d-did not think… of t-t-that…..”

And then, with a sigh like a soul departing from his lips, Ronove’s eyes rolled back in his head, and the magnetic pull he was exerting on everyone’s attention went out from one second to the next with a soft little >pop< like a lightbulb burning out.

For a moment, all was silent.

Then: “GYOOOO!” Nafra shrieked, throwing her little body through the crowd with absolutely no regard for anyone’s shins, jumping up on Ronove’s faintly-trembling shoulder, and immediately beginning to pummel Robin’s face with her stubby little arms, shouting “LET GYO! LET GYO!” over and over.

Robin did release a faintly gasping and wheezing Ronove in order to shield his eyes from Nafra’s increasingly accurate jabs - but at the same time, the interruption had reminded everyone of the mission at hand, so, in unison, all teachers’ heads snapped back to Kalego, renewed bloodlust in their eyes.

 

 

“Oh, Hell,” Kalego said, very softly, and with no small measure of rising panic.

 

 

“Kalego-kun! I would make you very happy!”

“I’d do your lesson plans for you, if we were married!”

“Together, we could rule over this school, a perfect power couple!”

A shaky step backwards.

“I promise to always - ow, let go, you little brat - satisfy any bodily needs you might have!”

“Your money- um, your heart would be in safe hands with me!”

“My love, I have, in fact, burned for you always! Satisfy my yearning, my craving, and be mine!”

Another step, sweat beading on Kalego’s brow.

“Marry me!”

“No, marry ME!”

“I’m the one you should marry!”

 

 

This was insanity. Complete and utter madness. Kalego could hardly believe his colleagues, brawling in the hallways of the school with their students, as if their roles as educators meant nothing at all, being terrible examples and bringing dishonour upon their entire profession. A single strange idea planted into someone or other’s head, and these idiots he worked with invested themselves into it with unflinching abandon, so desperate to marry that even a black eye or two from a child was an acceptable price to pay - and all that for what!?

For him?

For ill-tempered, constantly-glaring, too-strict-and-uptight Naberius Kalego? What was it they saw in him all of a sudden!?

(And why, for Hell’s sake, was Balam somehow, SOMEHOW still not seeing whatever it was that made him so marriageable, why was everyone obsessed with Kalego except the person he’d wanted since damn first grade, WHY-)

“What are you still standing around for, Sensei!?” Ameri snarled over her shoulder, holding back two substitute teachers, one under each arm. ”RUN, DAMNIT!”

Kalego didn’t need telling twice. He turned on his heels, and ran, damnit.

 

 

 

(Somewhere behind him, he could hear Ameri call out “Enact Plan Gimmel!” over the shouts and screams - but if Plan Gimmel required anything from him other than running far and running fast, then Kalego was rather certain that his cooperation would prove to be sorely lacking in the long run - pun not intended, and in fact stalwartly ignored.)

 

 

 

Kalego felt his head spinning as he threw himself down the corridor as if his life depended on it - which, in a way, it did - the harsh gasping breaths and hard footsteps mixing with the frantic rabbiting of his heart into a buzzing white noise that was threatening to take over his entire skull. He was losing control, he could tell that much, terror filling his lungs and bubbling up his windpipe - but worse was the shame, the mortification, to have circumstances reduce him, the fierce guard dog of Babylus, pride of the Naberius family, to running away with his tail between his legs and eyes wide with panic, and over something as inconsequential as love to boot. Even his uncle, ever a disappointment to the family, had never disgraced himself so thoroughly, and let emotions debilitate him - no, if Uncle failed at something, then it was because he had chosen to not bother.

Kalego wasn’t choosing anything right now. His body was acting on autopilot, his mind spiralling into ever more panicked circles, and he could feel pieces of himself withering and dropping off the more the crazed mob at his heels closed the distance between them, the threat of being forced into matrimony filling him with a deep, primal horror. He was being pursued, chased down, hunted, and everything else, the plan to fake-marry Blushenko, his magic, their roles as colleagues, all of that had faded from Kalego’s mind, to be replaced by the bone-deep awareness that they were the predators, and Kalego their prey.

It was a terrifying, isolating sensation, to know with every fibre of your being that you were close to being devoured if you made only one misstep, and Kalego didn’t like it one bit, feeling like, like… like a human among demons, almost!

 

(Which was something that Kalego wouldn’t wish even on his worst enemies, not his most infuriating colleagues or his most troublesome problem students, like, say, That Brat Who Kept Dragging Him Into Unpleasant Things, Iruma.

No, he wouldn’t wish this on Iruma at all.)

 

 

 

A hand snatched the fluttering edge of Kalego’s cape, and he nearly tripped, stumbling, before catching himself, scraping a last, desperate burst of speed out of the depths of his soul. He wouldn’t be able to go on for much longer, he knew that. Another couple steps, maybe more, but in the next corridor they would catch up to him at the latest, Kalego knew - and nobody, not the Student Council and not even Opera-Senpai (who had probably abandoned him anyway, that traitor), would be able to save him then.

I would’ve liked to see Shichirou one last time, at least, before it’s all done and my life is as good as over, Kalego thought wistfully, and a little more defeatist and melodramatic than strictly necessary.

With that thought, and a silent, helpless prayer towards every Sin Deity likely to listen, Kalego threw his gasping, exhausted body around the corner, knowing well what kind of miserable fate was just about to catch up to him.

And his vision went white.

 

 

 

Notes:

Cliffhanger, cliffhanger!!!! Only the first of many in the coming chapters, to be honest, and they'll only get worse... >:3c

Additionally, allow me to engage in a bit of self-promotion, and mention that I've also recently written a first chapter of another fic, it's Ameri/Iruma/Azz (though big emphasis on just Ameri&Azz friendship) and an Indiana Jones AU, you could read it here if you'd like? (There's also art!)

I hope you had fun with the Misfits-Student-Council vs. Teachers showdown, and are looking forward to Whatever Will Happen To Kalego Next! Thank you once more for your excitement and wonderful comments!
^-^ <3 <3 <3

Chapter 7: Executing Plans Gimmel and Daleth

Notes:

New update time, finally resolving that last cliffhanger!!!
Time for Kalego to find himself a fake husband, and put this entire sorry matter behind him....... hopefully.
(Also, thanks for all the love for this fic! With how small the Iruma fandom is, I wasn't really expecting much, but I'm very glad people are having fun with the story! <3)
As always, please enjoy!

“We’ve nearly got him, yis!” Suzy called out, her dress torn and socks ripped where she had pried Sabro off her ankle, leading the pack of teachers in hot pursuit and skidding around the corner Kalego had just taken at quite some speed. “Almost- huh?”

The corridor ahead of them was strangely Kalego-free, no doors lining either side, and all windows with their childproof-securing spells still intact . Huh, indeed.

“W-where- oh, I’m too old for this- where did he go?” Dali came to a stop next to her, putting his hands on his knees and gasping for breath. “He can’t have- he was just ahead of us, he couldn’t have gotten further than halfway down- ugh, let me lean on you, honey?”

“It is very peculiar, yis,” Suzy agreed, offering her shoulder. More teachers were coming up behind them, confused muttering only increasing in volume, as well as pained groans - the Misfits certainly hadn’t pulled any punches, while the teachers were honour- and contract-bound to not lay a single harming finger on them if they could in any way avoid it. “Perhaps he used a spell to refuel his stamina, or increase his speed, yis?”

“Well, it’s not like he could’ve gone anywhere else!” Robin exclaimed, one hand over his swelling left eye, which Nafra had stabbed her appendage into rather viciously when he had continued to try and keep Ronove in a wrestling grapple. “So why aren’t we running after him!?”

“W-w-we can’t let him get away!” Momonoki blurted out, cradling a wrist that prominently sported teeth marks in the unmistakable shape of Clara’s grin, and wearing the desperate-confident expression of someone who was watching the chance of a lifetime pass her by and rapidly make for the horizon, and REFUSING to let it out of her sight and write it off as lost nonetheless. “Even with a spell, he can’t stay ahead of all of us forever! One of us will m-m-m-marry him!!!”

“But we would’ve felt it if he had used magic!” Marbas argued from the back, blood splatters on his face that might be from the scuffle with the students, or just from his regular lessons. “And I’m really not certain if-”

“KEEP RUNNING, SENSEI!” Grave ran past the teachers, the rest of the Student Council following.

“THEY’RE ARGUING, YOU’VE GOT A CHANCE NOW!” Quichelight chimed in, pointedly shouting ahead.

“USE THAT HEADSTART, WE’LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” Smoke added, flicking one hand to have her eye glance at the teachers behind, checking their reactions.

“DON’T SLOW DOWN NOW!” Johnny Western finished, Ameri jogging past them all on her longer legs, giving them a discreet nod.

(“R-rorororo….” Ronove whimpered, stumbling and being dragged along by Nafra’s firm grasp, trailing far behind.)

The teachers exchanged a look.

Glanced back at the Misfits picking each other off of the floor, getting ready to presumably attempt to restrain them again.

Glanced ahead, where Kalego had apparently managed a sprinting burst on fumes of adrenaline and particularly discreet magic.

“Ah, confound it all!” Morax grumbled, gathered up the trailing ends of his robe - which still had some of Camui’s feathers sticking to it from where he had clung to the hems - and began to shuffle down the corridor at a really rather surprising speed. “After him, whippersnappers!”

So the hunt continued, the teachers racing after the Student Council and, presumably, Kalego far, far ahead, while the Misfits were pursuing them in turn - though, if one truly paid attention, one might be able to tell that their attempts to slow the adults down seemed a good deal less determined than before…

 

 

---

 

 

As even the last of the echoing sounds of footsteps faded into the distance, the corridor that had only seconds before born witness to the greatest teacher-student brawl since the Uprising of the Substitutes of ‘83 now seemed perfectly deserted…

...an appearance that was thoroughly misleading.

In a narrow alcove, a shadow shifted, glowing red eyes opening, and peering out with all due caution.

Opera peeled themselves off the wall and out of the darkness only slowly, pressing a struggling ball of fluffy white feathers to their chest, while Iruma clung to their side, the afterimage of a summoning seal fading from the back of the hand he had fisted in the fabric of their vest.

“We appear to be clear,” Opera breathed softly, and then “oya oya, stop struggling!” to Kalego in his familiar form, who was still trying to twist out of their grip, and shove away the hand they were holding over his beak so no sound could escape.

“That was s-scary…” Iruma whispered, pressing a little closer to Opera, looking more than a little shaken. “Teachers are ruthless!”

“Hush. All is well now, Iruma-sama.” Opera calmly assured him, finally removing their hand from Kalego’s fluffy face to pat their charge’s head. “I would not have let any harm come to you - nor, for that matter, to Kalego-kun. We pulled him out of danger just in time, did we not?”

They squished Kalego a little tighter, and he let out a sharp squawk of protest.

“Clap! Now!” He demanded, squirming and furiously attempting to both shout angrily and keep his voice below a whisper. “Turn me back!”

Iruma, That Little Traitor Who Never Recognised Kalego’s Authority, glanced up at Opera first, and only smiled and clapped his hands together when they inclined their head to indicate he should go ahead. Kalego might’ve been upset about that, if he hadn’t returned to his usual corporeal form while still held in the circle of Opera’s arms, which of course instead necessitated a panicked splutter and removing himself from said position posthaste while Opera was watching with a distinct glint of amusement in their eyes. Bastard.

“How DARE you- just turning me- I told you NOT to-” Kalego tripped over his words, torn between fury and mortification. “Making me fluffy- I HATE- why-!?”

“Now, now, don’t go being ungrateful now, Kalego-kun.” Opera admonished blandly, wagging their finger in his face. “Iruma-sama’s summoning saved you when nothing else could. Under those circumstances, you can bear it once or twice, can’t you?”

“Tch,” Kalego said, because he had been admitting that Opera was right far too often lately, and he wouldn’t repeat it now.

“I am very sorry that circumstances necessitated this course of action, Kalego-sensei!” Iruma bowed deeply and apologetically. “We really hoped it wouldn’t get this bad…”

“Just don’t do it again.” Kalego grumbled, shaking out his arms. Every time he changed back and forth, the ghastly feeling of having tiny little stick paws persisted for a good few minutes longer than he would like. “Those morons fell for it once, but I highly doubt it’ll work another time.”

“Quite.” Opera pulled him out of the alcove, Iruma following after them. “Iruma-sama, inform the others that Plan Gimmel was successful, and that we will proceed along the third alternate route.”

“Yes, Opera-san!” Iruma eagerly did so, and preened when Opera thanked him and ruffled his hair. The kid really did love helping out, and Kalego would almost consider it sweet, if such saccharine thoughts weren’t far beyond him.

“Let us go then - our time is limited.”

 

---

 

“So. Plans Aleph to Gimmel.” Kalego began, as the three of them crept along the corridors. “Was that the last contingency plan you had prepared?”

“Oh, no, no!” Iruma shook his head, eyes wide. “They go up to Yodh, actually. Though, um, they do get less… viable the further we go. And become less the kind of thing you would approve of, Sensei.”

Kalego blinked. “What’s Yodh?”

“We send you to go live with my parents,” Iruma promptly responded, with a mild wince.

“...and that would keep the proposals away how!?”

“Well, they live in the huma- um.” Iruma suddenly blanched. “Hummmmountains. In the mountains. Far away. Nobody would find you. Haha.”

Kalego frowned, suspicious. “...and Plan Tet?”

“...we burn down the school?”

“That one was Asmodeus-kun’s idea,” Opera added helpfully.

“I had figured.” Kalego grimaced. “How are Iruma’s parents less viable and appealing to me than widespread arson!?”

“They just are.” Iruma said, in a very cold, very firm voice, which Opera twitched one worried ear at, and made Kalego drop the topic like a hot devipotato.

“What is Plan Daleth then?” He quickly deflected. “Since that will likely be the one we’ll have to resort to if we encounter another insurmountable obstacle.”

“Well, that’s-” Iruma began, but Opera’s tail lashed out, wrapping around his lower face, and muffling whatever he was about to say.

“...already an option you would not approve of.” They serenely finished instead, while Iruma was trying to rid himself of a mouthful of fur. “So better hope it does not come to that, Kalego-kun - with any luck, you need never find out what any of the other plans entail.”

“Luck!” Kalego scoffed out a laugh, which had the shrill, weak quality of one both panicking and deeply, deeply resigned. “Luck has not been on my side lately, Senpai!”

“Any plan including and above Zayin also involves placing you under a sort of witness protection spell that will turn you into a shaggy black dog called Eustace,” Opera pointed out, not altogether unkindly - but also not terribly kindly, either. “Therefore, you ought to hope that some higher power is at your side, be it luck or something altogether else, since the alternatives are... anything but pleasant.”

Kalego, who had very little desire to answer to the name Eustace and orders to fetch or play dead for the rest of his life, found himself hard-pressed to argue with that.

 

---

 

For the rest of the third alternate route, Kalego jumped at every sound, froze at every movement at the edge of his field of vision, and saw his life flash in front of his eyes a number of times - unpleasant experience overall, he’d really rather not re-live the past few days quite that often - but somehow, miraculously…

By some divine grace of fate, no teachers or other characters of marriageable age assaulted them on their way, and the three reached the door to Blushenko’s main classroom without any significant delays.

“Are we on time?” Kalego asked anxiously, trying not to think about the fact that his future fake husband - the lesser evil, to be sure, but still not ideal - was waiting for him behind that door.

“Even a minute or two to spare!” Iruma beamed up at him, doing a rather convincing impression of a glowing celestial body creeping over the horizon. Sometimes, Kalego felt like he needed sunglasses to talk to the kid. “We’ve done it, Kalego-sensei! You’re as good as saved now!”

“I’ll be safe when the signatures are finally on the papers, and not a second sooner.” Kakego corrected sharply, though he couldn’t help but admit that there was a curious sense of relief bubbling up deep within him.

Uncomfortable feelings about fake husbands aside, it was finally going to be over. He would be free to go about his day un-proposed-to, teach his students without interruption, and go spend some perfectly platonic (albeit pining-filled) time with Balam. After the horrors of the past few days, it seemed almost too good to be true.

And it was all thanks to Opera, and the kids - and while Kalego still struggled with the former, the students deserved all his respect and gratitude, and perhaps even a reward.

He briefly considered giving them no homework for the rest of the year - but then again, that would not benefit them in the long run, letting them slack off. Double homework instead? Or maybe a field trip- no, they’d get into too much trouble, and it would be left to Kalego to mop up after them. Out of the question. Perhaps he’d get them all cacti - unless the idiot Misfits would just let them die…

Oh, who was Kalego kidding. A begrudging thanks, one week without homework maximum, and maybe he’d pay to treat the Misfits plus Student Council to dinner. Enough to settle the score, not so much that he’d look soft, and hopefully a minimum of bother to him.

(And if their exams were to be graded just a hint more favourably in future when it was already obvious they’d made a serious effort and significantly improved, well, that would be completely unrelated and inconsequential, of course.)

“No cold paws now,” Opera said calmly, yet undeniably smugly, Kalego could tell. “In you go.”

“I am not having cold feet!” Kalego snarled back. “My feet are a perfectly acceptable temperature.”
“Naturally.” Opera agreed, Iruma nodding compassionately - and then they opened the door, and shoved him in before he could protest further.

 

---

 

Blushenko’s personal classroom was a calm little affair with a neatly-kept teacher’s desk at the front, complete with an ergonomic anti-back-pain chair, a few rows of further desks, and a number of motivational cat posters on the walls, which Opera was eyeing with some interest.

The man himself glanced up as they entered, and quickly rose from his seat, offering his greetings.

“Yes, yes. Here we are.” Kalego felt dreadfully awkward, but this was his last resort. His best shot. “Don’t make a fuss.”

“Hi, Blushenko-sensei!” Iruma piped up, and Opera inclined their head beside him. “What Kalego-sensei means to say is good morning, I think.”

“Oh, I’m aware.” Blushenko smiled wanly, holding up a small booklet titled ‘Kalego-Devilish translation phrasebook’. “An invaluable read some colleagues and I have put together for the junior teachers.”

“You what,” Kalego growled, snatching the booklet from his hands. “Why does ‘I just had tea with Shichirou’ translate to ‘I’m in a good mood, if you need my help ask NOW’?”

Blushenko refused to meet his eyes. So did Opera and Iruma.

“Never mind.” Kalego threw the booklet back on the desk, cheeks feeling a little heated. “Blushenko, I have… there’s something I need to ask-”

 

 

“Um,” Iruma said, in a very small, very distressed voice. “Opera-san…? There may be an issue.”

 

 

“What kind of issue?” Opera’s ears instantly folded into concern mode, their tail puffing up in alarm. “Iruma-sama, what is it?”

“Purson-kun wrote that… well, that the teachers are gone.”

“What.” Something cold and heavy was settling in the pit of Kalego’s stomach. “Iruma, what do you mean, gone?”

“They just stopped chasing the Student Council, and the Misfits lost track of them.” Iruma frowned. “It’s not clear why, or where they went - they would have no reason to all break off their chase out of the blue, would they?”

“That is very uncharacteristic behaviour, for all of them especially.” Opera agreed, looking down at the phone over Iruma’s shoulder. “I would assume some outside influence called them off, but I wouldn’t know what could possibly do that.”

“Did grandpa get involved?”

“Iruma-sama, your trust in Sullivan-sama is commendable - however, I sincerely doubt that being so immensely helpful is within his capabilities, or that his employees would actually listen to him.”

“...hm. Yeah…”

“In any case, we need not fear.” Opera assured him. “Even if they ceased hunting the decoys, they would have absolutely no reason to search for Kalego-sensei here, out of all rooms in this school.”

“Hm.” Kalego frowned. “Yes. So. As I was saying…”

He turned back to Blushenko and blinked.

Narrowed his eyes.

Blushenko’s posture was noticeably more stiff, hands clenched tight around each other, eyes refusing to meet Kalego’s.

“Blushenko?” Kalego said, very softly, and very dangerously. “Do you have anything to tell us?”

Blushenko wordlessly shook his head, face so pale that the scars on his cheek were standing out more starkly than ever before.

“You didn’t.” Kalego felt almost sick, that cold, heavy feeling in his stomach rapidly growing teeth and burying them in his insides. “Tell me you didn’t.”

Blushenko still wasn’t looking at him.

“...I am sorry for what is about to happen, Kalego-san.” He finally whispered, staring down at his feet. “But I had no choice.”

“No!” Iruma gasped, stricken, and Kalego snarled in fury, betrayal bitter at the back of his throat.

To think, he had been about to agree to marry this man! This man, this absolute bastard who had apparently sold him out to the rabble at the first opportunity - Kalego had clearly underestimated him, and  made a serious error in his judgement of Blushenko’s character.

“You will pay for this.” Kalego promised darkly, making his not-future-husband-anymore blanch even further, before turning his back to him. “We’re done here. Let’s go, before-”

 

 

“Ah, ah, not so fast, Kalego-kun!”

 

 

Kalego bit down on a curse, allowing himself a second to quietly rage at his bitter, bitter fate, before turning with as much dignity as he still had left, resolving to meet his doom with his head held if not high, then at least at a halfway respectable distance off the ground.

“I hate you all,” he coldly informed his colleagues, who were in turn watching him with expressions that ranged from seething frustration over manic grins to the kind of expressions that made Kalego wish he was wearing more layers. “Truly, from the bottom of my heart.”

“I held up my end of the bargain.” Blushenko was still looking extremely pale, and kept throwing Kalego the kind of glances a very frail gazelle would throw at a particularly ferocious lion. “Now hold up yours.”

“Naturally.” Dali gestured for Robin to come forward, and dump two rather rotund and supremely displeased-looking cats into Blushenko’s arms, who was immediately pulling them to his chest and soothing them with gentle murmurs. “Two up front, you’ll get the other three back once the marriage is official.”

Well, Kalego thought, figures, that even with Senpai at my side, it would still be CATS somehow ruining my life.

“You traitor!” He hissed at Blushenko, who at least still had the good grace to look ashamed. “You bloody spineless weasel!”

“They had my cats, Kalego-san!” Blushenko hissed back, hoisting the grumpier (though not by much) of the two almost circular cats higher up his arm. “What was I to do? Just leave Dumpling, Bonbon, Takoyaki, Pastry and Noodle in the hands of these people!? They don’t even know my darlings’ favourite liver brand, I HAD to get them back!”

“Oh, but I’m fair game to throw to the hounds, am I!”

“Look at Noodle’s eyes!” Blushenko held out one of the cats, shaking it a little. “She was only in Dali-san’s hands for a few hours, and she looks haunted by the experience! I had to set priorities!”

Noodle meowed grumpily. Kalego already despised the creature and her beady little eyes, which surely held no emotion other than hunger and spite, and was now almost glad that he had not married into a family that apparently consisted of 90% cats.

“You’re dead to me.” Kalego informed him icily. “As are all the rest of you.”

“Oh, really, Kalego-kun.” Furcas admonished him, crossing her arms. “We will be your future spouses, a little less animosity would be appreciated.”

“Spouses!?” Kalego was slowly backing away from them, trying to get the rows of desks between himself and the other teachers. The classroom had no other doors, and the windows were all childproofed, impossible to open quickly enough. There was no escape. “You all are mistaken. I will not marry any of you!”

“On the contrary.” Orias grinned at him, completely unperturbed by Kalego’s death glare. “You see, you were proving hard enough to get ahold of even individually, so we figured a collaboration was in order.”

“Yes! Now that we’ve caught you together, you will m-m-marry all of us!” Momonoki squeaked, red to the tips of her ears. “N-no exceptions!”

“You bastards!” Kalego spat, his back meeting the far wall. “You can’t make me!”

“Oh, we’re pretty confident that we will find a way.” Suzy smiled up at Kalego in the sort of way that would not look amiss on an executioner raising an axe over their head. “Yis~!”

Kalego did not doubt, even for a second, that she was entirely justified in her confidence, no matter how unpleasant that might prove for him.

(He really rather wished the wall behind him would simply open up and swallow him, but alas, the wall was not so forthcoming.)

“I-” Kalego began shakily, as the teachers closed in, their eyes twinkling with hungry glee. “No- it’s impossible, you can’t- marriage, out of the question-”

He had to put a stop to this, find some reason or other to get them off his back, otherwise they would tear him to pieces and devour him whole, he had to dodge that fate no matter what, he HAD to, but HOW-

 

“None of you can marry me!” Kalego blurted out, heart beating high in his throat. “Because… because I’m already married!”

 

The advancing teachers froze mid-step, while Kalego bit his tongue and cursed himself for simply shouting out a desperate lie that would never hold up to scrutiny - a few moments’ peace was all he could hope for from this, if he was lucky.

---

(“Iruma-sama,” Opera whispered, leaning down to him. “I do believe it is time for Plan Daleth.”

“Oh. Oh!” Iruma’s eyes widened, and he nodded quickly. “Yes, Opera-san! Right away!”

And without any of the teachers paying him any heed, Iruma squeezed past them to the door, out into the corridor, and quickly out of sight.

Opera didn’t doubt that he would carry out his role in the plan as quickly as possible - they only hoped that it would be quick enough.)

---

“You… are already married?” Robin finally said, cocking his head to the side and staring up at Kalego with confused eyes. “Since when?”

“A, a while,” Kalego muttered evasively, instead of the more truthful ‘since never’.

“And you never told any of us!?” Robin whined, putting on his best heartbroken little puppy face. “Kalego-sensei, so mean!”

“You see, I don’t think he’s being mean.” Dali’s eyes were shrewd and narrowed, staring deeply into Kalego’s. Kalego looked away. “I think he’s lying.”

“How dare you imply that,” Kalego tried, but it was a good deal more faint than he would’ve liked. “I definitely am married. An exclusive marriage, too. Monogamous and all.”

“Then why have you not said so before?” Marbas pointed out, other teachers around him nodding. “You must agree, it does seem a little suspicious, that you only remember this supposed marriage of yours now. If I were to guess, five minutes with some hot coals and a Netherworldian wrenching screw, and you would be changing your tune…”

“If you so much as touch me, I will kill you!” Kalego snapped, panic rising in his chest. “I didn’t say so before, because… because we were keeping it secret. Naturally.”

Doubting faces all around.

“We, we wanted to be discreet, keep it between us, since all of you are such nosy bastards who can’t leave well enough alone - see this entire mess!” He continued babbling, feeling a little wild and desperate. He would do and say anything, at this point, to get himself out of this mess. “I thought you would eventually back off without me having to reveal this fact, but no, no, of course not! Not the esteemed teaching staff of Babylus! You just couldn’t leave well enough alone without prying into my private affairs, could you!? I haven’t even asked my spouse if it would be alright for me to tell-”

“Your spouse.” Dali interrupted, still very obviously not believing a single word Kalego was saying. “And who would that be, then? A particularly attractive cactus?”

“NO,” Kalego spat back venomously, though there was an idea to keep in mind for later. “Absolutely not a cactus. A demon. Of course. A real demon that exists in reality.”

“Someone we know?” Momonoki piped up, looking deeply, deeply dejected, and more than a little angry - Kalego honestly hadn’t thought she had it in herself. “This alleged spouse of yours?”

“Er,” Kalego said, quickly realising he hadn’t thought even remotely that far. “I’d really rather not say...”

They weren’t buying it, Kalego could see it in their faces. But who to lie about and claim as his spouse?

“But you WILL say, yis!” Suzy very obviously threatened. “Won’t you, Kalego-kun?”

“I- well…”

Any of the teachers here were out of the question, obviously.

“It’s…”

Blushenko had betrayed him thoroughly enough, and Opera had been right, a marriage to anyone outside the school sphere would just arouse more suspicion.

“That is to say…”

Opera themselves? No, no, absolutely not. He’d said before that they were the absolute last person he would even want to pretend to be married to, and he was sticking with that. Perhaps they might become tentative allies one day, but Kalego would still rather die than get fake-married to Senpai.

But who remained?

“The person I’ve been married to all along…” Kalego pressed himself flat against the wall, hands clammy with cold sweat, knowing he was as good as finished. “That person is… is...”

 

 

 

The door clicked open, Iruma slipping back into the classroom - and following just behind him, led along at Iruma’s hand, was…

“SHICHIROU!” Kalego blurted out, feeling a massive weight lift from his chest.

 

 

 

Notes:

Real cats should of course not be as, ah, rotund as Blushenko's, but I've decided that these are a special Gluttony breed of demon cats who are actually healthy when they have the rough shape and weight of a small cannonball.
But Blushenko... that traitor... choosing his spoiled cats over Kalego... not husband material at all! Opera was right to argue against him!
(Though, who can blame him. Dali probably sent him blackmail pictures of his little darlings lying on only one thin pillow, poor things, instead of their accustomed three. Absolutely unforgivable, Blushenko had his priorities in order.)
But now, Balam is finally there, Kalego's knight in shining feathers, and with some hope, this Plan Daleth will be the one that will actually see some results.
(Once more a little cliffhanger-y, I hope you'll forgive me... >:3)

How will Balam react to Kalego suddenly proclaiming they're married in front of all their colleagues? Will their friendship survive this? Will Opera be smug? Is Noodle going to finally get some delicatessen liver pateé? Find out next chapter!

As always, a comment would make me very happy! ^-^ <3 <3 <3

Chapter 8: Only Make Believe

Notes:

Well, here we are, ready to see Plan Daleth unfold! Kalego's heart won't survive Balam acting like a husband, I can tell you that much...
I really hope you enjoy, I've been looking forward to getting to show you this one for ages!!! <3

(Also, this chapter's title is from a song in the musical "Show Boat" - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iEye9PnaKck - which we sung in choir once, and which is very fitting for Kalego's mindset throughout this chapter!)

It was fine now, it was alright. He wasn’t cornered and alone anymore. Balam was here, and as always when his old companion was by his side, Kalego felt like he could take on the entire world with one arm tied behind his back.

“Kalego-kun?” Balam picked him out instantly, eyes full of mild worry. “What is-”

“Balam-kun!?” Dali looked back and forth between them, his mask of suspicion cracking. “You- him? Really? Well… I won’t pretend that it would be all that surprising…”

There. There was Kalego’s chance. A spouse they would all believe. To hell with it, if this ruined the easy friendship he had with Balam, so be it, he was desperate enough to risk it.

“Yes! It’s Shichirou!” Kalego said very loudly, feeling a strange mixture of overly bold and utterly terrified. Balam was still watching him, so confused, so earnest - Kalego hoped he would one day forgive him. “That’s him. He is. The person I’m married to. I’m married to Shichirou.”

Balam’s eyes widened, shoulders stiffening slightly - but no protest, no gasp of surprise, no outburst. That was already pretty much a best-case scenario.

Among the other teachers, soft murmurs of “ooooooh” and “yeah that actually makes a lot of sense” and “you owe me 50 bucks now” broke out. It was almost too easy.

“...is that, hm, true?” Morax finally asked Balam, every head in the room turning to observe his reaction. “Are you and Kalego-kun truly married?”

Balam’s eyes remained unreadable, skipping from one teacher’s face to the other, the only obvious emotion being confusion - until finally settling on Kalego’s face, a silent question in the slant of his brows, looking to him for guidance the same way he always had whenever Senpai suggested some ridiculous scheme to them. A silent ‘should I go along with it? Should I protest? What do you think, Kalego-kun?’

Say yes. Go along with it. Please. Kalego begged wordlessly, trying to communicate all his helpless desperation as well as his guilt and an apology with nothing but his eyes. Balam would understand, surely indulge him in this, he was too damn good for this world anyway.

I’m so sorry for getting you involved in all this, Shichirou. So sorry for making you lie. But I’m cornered, and I need you, so desperately. Please, please, pretend just for a little while - and don’t hate me after, if you can manage it.

And the thing was, Balam was a terrible liar, overall. He tended to trip over his words even when voicing the tiniest bit of dishonesty, getting all flustered and embarrassed, visibly uncomfortable with his own attempts to trick the other person into believing an untruth. Kalego had never been certain if it was Balam’s bloodline ability reacting adversely to even his own lies, or if he was simply a deeply honest soul - but the fact remained that he always knew when his dear friend was lying, and so did everyone else.

---

(It was mostly because of this that Kalego knew with absolute certainty that there was Definitely Something Wrong With Iruma, simply because there were so many moments in their conversations about the boy where Balam would very suddenly grow oddly skittish, continuously fidgeting and stammering and avoiding Kalego’s eyes, so obviously lying that it was almost ridiculous.

Without any doubt, there was something Balam was hiding in connection to Kalego’s definitely-not-favourite-that’s-ridiculous problem student… but he trusted Balam, and knew that he would never lie if it was in any way avoidable. Whatever Was Happening With The Kid was presumably nothing Kalego should get involved in, and as long as Iruma was fine - and he was, Balam would tell him if it were otherwise - he would studiously ignore the whole matter.

Sometimes, it was best to simply let sleeping hellhounds lie.)

---

So it was almost miraculous that Balam Shichirou only blinked, and then proceeded to lie so smoothly and perfectly that it would’ve fooled even Kalego if he hadn’t known the truth.

“Well, of course we’re married!” Balam exclaimed, giving every appearance of being surprised and slightly confused by the mere question, not even the slightest awkward stutter to his voice. “Kalego-kun is my husband, and I am his - yes, we don’t particularly advertise this, but I still thought it was somewhat common knowledge - for Hell’s sake, why would that ever be in doubt!?”

(Later, Kalego would surely replay those words in his head over and over, feeling the sting of knowing it had all been a lie, that Balam had never meant it, had only pretended for his sake - but right now, all Kalego felt was numb with overwhelming relief.)

“See, I told you!” He shoved his way through the stunned crowd to attach himself to Balam’s side, and practically melted when Balam put his strong arm around his waist, holding Kalego against him with such gentle reassurance. “Can’t believe you thought I was only making it all up!”

“Iruma-kun told me you needed help…?” Balam peered down at Kalego with visible concern. “You look even worse than two days ago, Kalego-kun. Is everything alright?”

“Now that you’re here? Yes.” Kalego admitted hoarsely - and, to hell with it, turned and hid his face against Balam’s chest, feeling calm for the first time in days at the feel of a steady heartbeat so close by. Balam held him a little tighter, and damnit, even if this embrace was all for show, it was exactly what he’d needed. “Thank Devi you came.”

(And then, very softly, muffled in Balam’s chest, so that not even he would be able to hear it:

I love you.)

 

“Your colleagues very insistently attempted to proposition Kalego-kun.” Opera calmly informed Balam, ratting them all out without mercy. “For multiple days. Not accepting rejection, nor believing him when he informed them that he was already taken.”

“They what.” Balam said, pulling Kalego a little closer, voice low and more dangerous than his usual benign demeanour would suggest he was capable of. “Would you care to explain?”

“It- it wasn’t like that!” Robin quickly protested, while the other teachers exhibited every kind of reaction from visible fear to a weak pretence at innocent twiddling of thumbs. “We didn’t- we thought- he didn’t say-”

“You didn’t even invite us to the wedding!” Dali whined, Suzy nodding beside him. “How could we have known?”

“Evidently, that was for good reason!” Balam snapped - snapped, and all that outrage just on Kalego’s behalf, oh, how he loved this man. “I can hardly believe you would- no means no, what kind of example are you setting for your students!?”

“When we Misfits tried to help, they were basically fighting us,” Iruma piped up, even as nearby teachers were frantically gesturing for him to keep out of it. “We tried to slow them down when they were running after Kalego-sensei, and now Nee-san has a twisted ankle and Jazz-kun a split lip and-”

“Accidents!” Orias quickly interrupted, sweat beading on his brow at the sight of Balam’s eyes turning increasingly more murderous. “Blushenko-san will fix them right up, won’t he!”

“Speaking of - they also kidnapped Blushenko-san’s cats in order to blackmail him.” Opera pointed out, reaching over to pat Noodle’s head. “Truly despicable behaviour from start to finish.”

“I agree.” Balam hadn’t sounded so absolutely incensed since he’d sent the student responsible for the Pudding Incident to detention - Kalego could feel the hand cradling the back of his head tremble with barely contained fury, even as the rest of Balam kept dangerously, icily still. “I am very nearly ashamed to be part of this faculty, and promise you that we will be handing in a formal complaint to the Chairdemon!”

“We, um, w-we just got a little… carried away…” Momonoki whispered, red-faced and head hanging apologetically. “S-sorry…”

“That is absolutely no excuse for acting in such a way towards a happily married man - or anyone, really.” Balam informed her sharply, gaze roaming around the room, meeting each teacher’s eyes until they were cowed into looking away. “And if I ever hear that you, any of you, are terrorising MY HUSBAND again, you will be lucky if a formal reprimand is all you get. Kalego-kun is mine, I saw him first, and if anyone else lays as much as a finger on him without his permission, you will very quickly lose that finger. Have I made myself clear?”

 

(Kalego was suddenly very glad that Balam was still holding him in his arms, because he might have swooned otherwise, his knees shamefully weak all of a sudden. Balam really was playing his role as protective husband with aplomb, an outstanding actor, and... Kalego could get lost in the illusion, he really could.)

 

Ashamed murmurs of agreement throughout the room, even an apology or two. Part of Kalego wanted to turn around and bask in the sight of his moronic colleagues getting the scolding they deserved - but a far larger part of him simply wanted to be held and safe and away from all this, so he clung to Balam instead, pride already so completely in tatters that he was far beyond caring about appearing so damnably weak.

“Kalego-kun?” Balam’s voice was soft again, now, none of the sharp bite in it. “Was that okay? I apologise if I, in any way- well. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“You didn’t overstep.” Kalego said very quickly, still muffled against the soft fabric of Balam’s clothes. “It’s fine. Just… just get me out of here now?”

“Yes. Yes, of course.” Balam promised warmly, pulling out of the embrace, but keeping Kalego snugly tucked against his side with one arm around him. “We’ll go to the biology lab. Opera-senpai will continue reprimanding our colleagues, I’m sure.”

“With great pleasure.” Opera’s eyes glinted with quiet malice that Kalego really could appreciate a lot more when he knew it wouldn’t be directed at him. “Take good care of your husband now, yes, Balam-kun?”

(Kalego shot Opera a dirty look at the way they emphasised The H-Word, but they simply shot him their favourite blankly-smug expression in response.)

“Of course, Senpai,” Balam promised easily, and Kalego couldn’t get over it, how smoothly these little lies were sliding off of his tongue. He never would’ve thought Balam capable of it. “I will.”

And so, still very gently and caringly, Balam led Kalego out of the classroom, and away from the hellish experiences of the past few days.

(If Kalego were a weaker man, he might have sighed “my hero” and swooned into Balam’s arms fully. But Kalego was definitely stronger than that, no matter how tempting it currently seemed.)

Iruma left with them - as did Blushenko, still holding his two cats, and muttering about how the poor things probably wouldn’t be able to sleep today with their nerves run all ragged, never mind that they seemed to be dozing off in his arms.

Outside the door, the Misfits and Student Council were waiting, indeed all looking a little worse for wear - though Blushenko promptly deposited Noodle and, apparently, Bonbon, in Iruma’s arms (Azz and Clara rushing to his side to share the load when his knees nearly buckled under their combined bulk) and drew his family’s sigil into the air, healing magic emanating from it.

“I feel like I should remind you children,” Balam said with a sigh, “that what you witnessed today is not how decent adult demons ought to act, and that I am very proud of you for proving yourself more responsible than that.”

“Yeah, we kind of figured.” Jazz smiled wryly. “Don’t worry, Balam-sensei, we know better.”

“And really, we’re just- Azz-kun, I don’t think Bonbon-chan likes how you’re holding his hind paws right now- we’re just really glad that Plan Daleth worked out in the end.” Iruma said, craning his neck to smile up at Balam past an indeed very displeased-looking Bonbon. “I said at the start to just ask for your help, Balam-sensei, but Opera-san said Kalego-sensei didn’t want you involved in the whole mess.”

“Of course he did.” A fond sigh, now. “Thank you for ignoring him being foolish, Iruma-kun.”

“Oi,” Kalego grumbled, grumpy facade somewhat undermined by the fact that one would still encounter significant difficulty if one wanted to slide as much as a sheet of paper between him and Balam. “Weren’t you going to take me somewhere peaceful and quiet?”

“Yes, yes, Kalego-kun,” Balam soothed, and now that Kalego thought about it, he was using the same tone married couples might say ‘yes, dear’ in. “Let’s go then.”

 

---

 

Kalego stayed glued to Balam’s side the entire walk to the biology prep room, and if anyone asked he would claim that he was doing it so that any teacher who had followed them would not suspect that it was all a ruse; but in truth, he simply craved the closeness, the comforting touch that was holding him upright, the brief illusion of Balam not just caring but loving, the way Kalego had always wanted him to.

(He’d been right before, even this small taste of what could be was too bittersweet to bear, he wanted more, wanted it to be real, wanted wanted wanted…)

However, as soon as they reached the safety of the prep room, Kalego no longer had an excuse.

With a sigh, he detached himself from Balam, trying not to let his hands linger on firm, warm muscles overly much. He could get addicted to this, but he mustn’t, it would ruin everything. The quicker they could go back to their usual, the sooner they put this sordid affair behind them and started pretending it never happened, the less risk there was of losing Balam entirely. Kalego would have to be firm with himself.

“Tea? Or something stronger?” Balam’s eyes crinkled at the corners, the way they only did when he was smiling warmly, and with a last gentle touch to Kalego’s shoulder, he was moving away to the teapot. “To be honest, when you said you were being hounded last time, I thought it would be over absolutely anything else… not that I don’t think you make for a wonderful husband, mind, speaking from personal experience, but I had previously been under the impression that it was too much of an acquired taste for most of our colleagues to pursue you so… insistently.”

“Yeah.” Kalego muttered, not moving to sit on the couch, still standing where Balam had left him.

He felt wrongfooted, off-kilter, dreadfully unbalanced. He loved Balam Shichirou, loved him with something bordering on desperation, loved him so much it hurt, and stowing those emotions away again was proving more difficult than expected.

Balam had held him, claimed him as his own, called him husband, and Kalego wanted so much more of it - but to Balam, who was still perfectly calm, even lightly joking about it, it had obviously not meant even remotely as much.

“I do apologise for perhaps... putting it on a bit thick.” Balam threw another warm look over his shoulder, looking just a little shy. “But it was vital they got the message, wasn’t it? So I tried to go for something just a hint more possessive than I would usually exhibit, I hope you didn’t mind.”

“No.” Kalego said, instead of ‘I really liked it’, tongue feeling heavy and sluggish in his mouth. “It was good. Got the point across. Thanks.”

“Anything for you, Kalego-kun!” Balam still sounded so cheerful, so careless, as he was preparing the tea. It broke Kalego’s heart a little, that he wasn’t even the slightest bit flustered.

“I’m still. I’m.” Kalego cleared his throat, looking over at the plants on the windowsill. There was a cactus he’d gotten Balam a while ago, still looking beautiful and healthy, and currently in bloom. “I’m still immensely grateful, Shichirou, I want you to know that. You didn’t have to do that, but you did, and you… you saved me.”

“Of course I had to, Kalego-kun.” Balam corrected gently. “I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t. In fact, I wanted to. Don’t be silly, now.”

“I’m not being silly.” Kalego insisted, blinking a few times. It was very dusty in the biology lab, too. “You really needn’t have gone along with me saying we were married. I know you hate to lie, Shichirou, and you still did it, all for me - more than would’ve been necessary, even. And I don’t want you to make light of it, because it did mean a whole lot to me.”

Kalego swallowed. This was as close to a love confession as he was ever going to let himself get.

“So, thank you again, Shichirou. For lying for my sake.”

 

For a moment, it was very, very quiet in the room.

 

And then, Balam said, in a very soft, confused voice, the absolute worst thing he possibly could have said, which made Kalego’s heart drop from its accustomed place down to about the height of his knees, with a nonzero risk of plunging even further.

“.........lying?”

 

 

 

Notes:

HAH, BET YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING!!!!
This is the big twist, which I've been so excited to get to - Balam didn't think he was lying. Well well well, how about that! >:3c
(It's also another brutal cliffhanger, but at least it's the last one. Next chapter will resolve this whole mess, and the last one is the epilogue!)

Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I did writing it, and feel free to scream at me in the comments! ;3

Chapter 9: Wedded Bliss

Notes:

Well, I've kept you all waiting long enough - time to find out WHY, in Delkira's name, Balam seemed to think they were married all along, while Kalego is so convinced of the exact opposite...

Oh, and thank you for all the delightful comments last chapter! I was evil-giggling a lot while reading them! >:333
Please enjoy! <3

Kalego blinked.

Balam blinked back, giving no indication whatsoever that this was a joke or prank or anything other than a genuine startled question.

 

“Yeeeees…?” Kalego said, very slowly. “Lying. About our marital status. Since you and I. Are not actually married.”

“...we aren’t?” Balam asked, still so damned earnestly confused.

“No, we’re definitely not.” Kalego confirmed. And then, a little more uncertainly, “right?”

“Oh,” Balam said, his voice about an octave and a half higher than normal, suddenly somewhat pale. “Oh, no.”

“Shichirou,” Kalego pressed, feeling a strange sort of mania bubble up in him. ”Shichirou, are we married?”

“No! No, no, a-absolutely not!” Balam shook his head hastily, voice rising even higher, and growing in speed. This was how he sounded when he was lying, Kalego could hardly believe that he’d ever thought Balam had somehow managed to get rid of all his tells in one fell swoop. “A joke! I was joking! Hahahaha! We’re not m-married, absolutely not, you were right, I was, was confused-”

“Shichirou,” Kalego repeated. He felt a little lightheaded. “Why. Why do you think that we are married.”

“I’m not thinking any such thing!” Balam tried desperately, eyes wide and panicked. “Let’s stop talking about this now, have some tea, sit down, I recorded a very nice symphony for you, we could watch-”

“You believed it.” Kalego whispered, a little wondrously. “You were- it was the truth for you, all of it. You meant that.”

“No, I… oh, damn it.” Balam visibly gave up, something defeated sneaking into his demeanour. “Yes. Yes, of course I meant it, Kalego-kun. I certainly would’ve tried lying for you, if need be, but I… I was under the impression, at least, that it wasn’t at all necessary in this case, because...”

“Because, as far as you know, we are married.” Kalego finished for him, brows drawing together. “Since when?”

“I don’t-”

“Shichirou, since when.”

“We’ve been married for eleven months and seventeen days.” Balam admitted very quickly, studiously not meeting Kalego’s eyes. “And, ah… around ten hours?”

“Right,” Kalego said. He should maybe sit down. “Right.”

“It was the night we went out to that bar with the excellent wine selection and the adventurous cocktails, remember?”

“I remember arriving there.” No, really, his legs were definitely about to give out. “Not much else.”

“Yes. Well. We had some wine. And then some more wine. And a lot of adventurous cocktails. You were particularly fond of the Devitini, I recall.” Balam rubbed his neck somewhat sheepishly. “And there was a registrar’s office two doors down from that bar. And, ah. Well. One thing led to another.”

Kalego fell more than he sat down onto the couch, feeling very much like his internal organs had decided to take a little stroll and gotten lost on the way.

“You. You really didn’t remember any of it?” Balam just sounded sad now, a little scared, and a lot lost. “You always assured me that you have a high alcohol tolerance and never get blackout drunk, Kalego-kun!”

“There’s a first time for everything.” Kalego muttered tonelessly. “And I had a lot of Devitinis.”

“Well.” Balam said miserably, moving to sit down on the couch as well, but then hesitating, and kneeling down on the floor in front of it instead. “This is really throwing a wrench into my anniversary plans, isn’t it...”

 

“Anniversary.” Kalego repeated, the word feeling strange and foreign in his mouth. “A year. We were married for a year, and I couldn’t even tell!”

“What am I supposed to say then, I couldn’t tell that you thought we weren’t!” Balam buried his face in his hands. “Oh Devi, nearly a year!”

“This- it doesn’t even make sense.” Kalego shook his head, stunned disbelief slowly making way to mild anger. “You never really treated me any different. We didn’t- well. Do the kind of things spouses do.”

“Oh, you mean to say we didn’t go out on romantic dinners together? Spent no quality time with each other? Didn’t prioritise the other over everything else?” Balam shot him a slightly watery glare over his hands. “We’ve been doing all kinds of spousal things, Kalego-kun! And as for the rest… I just assumed you weren’t interested in that kind of thing, and I certainly wasn’t going to press. We’ve been practically married since school, when you didn’t act any different, I had just assumed that nothing needed to change, that we had merely made official what had been true for a long time, and... I was perfectly fine with that.”

“We don’t even live together!” Kalego helplessly pointed out.

“Because I need to stay at the lab most nights anyway!” Balam shot back. “And I do sleep in your guest room on weekends and during the holidays, don’t I?”

That… was true. And a jarring thought, to now realise that every time Kalego had been tempted to invite Balam to join him in his own bed during the past year, Balam would’ve come, readily and willingly. Because they were married. And Balam had only ‘not pressed’ because he thought Kalego had no interest, presumably due to Kalego trying so very hard to tell himself he wasn’t desperately in love with Balam at all, lest it ruin their easy companionship.

...Devi, what a mess.

 

“But. Wait.” Kalego frowned down at his hands, spreading out his fingers, turning them over. “No marriage scars. There should be at least a faint hint at a ceremonial wedding bite. Why didn’t we have wedding bites!?”

“You didn’t.” Balam sighed, pulling off the glove covering his left hand, and holding it out for Kalego to take, and inspect the hints of pale scar tissue in-between the scales covering the area around the first knuckle of his ring finger. A marriage scar, quite obviously, and Kalego could tell at a glance that it fit the shape of his own teeth. Oh Devi. “We were both terribly drunk at the time, if you’ll recall. I didn’t trust my fangs near your fingers, quite honestly, afraid I’d bite them right off, so I figured just the one bite for me would do for now. And when you didn’t bring it up again after… it is a somewhat old-fashioned tradition, not all that necessary, and not without its dangers. With the size difference, and my difficulties with controlling my strength, I certainly wasn’t going to blame you for opting out.”

“…can I…?” Kalego reached out, and at Balam’s nod, ran his fingers over the scar. It made him feel almost dizzy, the rush of raw emotion at the touch, the knowledge that he had put this there, that Balam had trusted him and let Kalego mark him, a permanent proof of their marriage.

 

---

 

(Some faint, Devitini-soaked memories resurfaced excruciatingly slowly; Kalego on one knee on the dirty bar floor, Balam looking down at him with tears of joy in his eyes; the registrar eyeing the two of them doubtfully; bringing Balam’s slightly-trembling hand up to his mouth and biting down, hearing the soft gasp and feeling warm blood drip over his lips, before tenderly kissing the fresh wound. Offering his own hand, only for Balam to shake his head and push it away, gesturing to his mask.

And finally, the registrar handing them a marriage license, marked with their combined seals, and informing them that they were now husbands.

Hell help him. It really had happened.)

 

---

 

“We’re married. We are.” Kalego breathed, feeling his entire world tilt on its axis. Balam had said yes. Balam did think of him in romantic terms, and had considered them happily married for a year. Balam wanted him back. Kalego could hardly believe his luck, could hardly believe that now, finally, he was getting that long-overdue miracle. “I am your husband!”

“You don’t have to be.” Balam grimaced, attempting to pull his hand out of Kalego’s grip, which he would obviously not allow. “Kalego-kun, I’m so awfully sorry about all this. I didn’t realise how drunk you were, I should have stopped you, it was clearly only the Devitinis talking. You didn’t even remember any of it. We can have the marriage annulled easily, if you’d like, I certainly won’t expect you to-”

“No!” Kalego pulled Balam’s hand closer, cradling it possessively against his chest, all the while scowling furiously. “Absolutely not, Shichirou! You will not get out of it this easily.”

“Get out-?” Balam’s eyes skipped back and forth between his hand splayed on Kalego’s chest, and his face. “...Kalego-kun?”

“You married me, and somewhere there’s papers to prove it, and I will not let you back out of it now!” Kalego informed him sharply, his own nails digging into the scales on Balam’s palm. “I don’t know how I got you to say yes, but I can’t rely on miracles repeating themselves. Divorce me, go on, try. I’ll fight you for it every step of the way.”

“But…” Balam frowned lightly. “Is this just to keep our colleagues off your back? Do you even truly want to be married to me…?”

“Do I even truly want- Shichirou!” Kalego repeated incredulously. “I was the one to ask one year ago, wasn’t I? I’ve wanted to marry you since the day we met!”

Balam squinted at him, and Kalego could feel the soft-cold sensation of [Buzzer] washing over him, which was just a hint insulting, that Balam thought he was lying about this.

“I went up to you because- tch, don’t tell anyone I ever said this- I thought you were the cutest and most interesting person in the entire school, and I couldn’t understand why nobody else had started talking to you yet.” Kalego felt his cheeks heat up slightly, but powered through. Balam loved him enough to marry him and spend a year taking all his cues from Kalego without even once complaining, he could be honest now. “By the end of the school day, I knew I’d marry you, or nobody else in the Netherworld.”

“Oh,” Balam said, very softly. “Oh, Kalego-kun. All this time, really?”

“Yes.” It felt strange and frightening, to admit to these things now, but Balam was watching him as if he was a miracle now, and Kalego found he was extremely fond of it. If sharing that little secret was all it took to get that look, he would have to share a lot more.

“Me and Senpai beat up That Jerk, by the way.” Kalego continued. “The one who dated you on a dare. I was so angry, that he had what I wanted more than anything, and then threw it all away.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Balam waved him away, though there was a slight flush creeping over the edge of his mask. “I only said yes to him because he had a deep, growling voice and dark hair, you know. Sooner or later, I would’ve broken up with him on my own, simply because he wasn’t… well. You.”

“I also tried growing a moustache just because you said George Demooney was handsome with one.”

“You really shouldn’t have.” Balam grimaced, trying to force dark memories down. “I appreciate the sentiment, but that moustache was a great and terrible mistake.”

“I’m well aware.” Kalego shuddered. “Sorry about that. I was young and foolish.”

“Judging from recent evidence, your foolishness has only increased with age,” Balam pointed out without even a shred of mercy. There was the bastard Kalego lo- like- no, damnit, he could admit it now. Loved. “You finally got what you apparently wanted for years, and didn’t even realise!”

“You’re one to talk, everybody else knew I was gone on you!” Kalego shot back. “Opera-senpai knew even when we were… you know… that I was just trying to get over you.”

“Oh Devi, Opera-senpai!” Balam blanched slightly. “Kalego-kun, they absolutely must not find out the truth about the marriage, they would never let us live it down!”

“Yeah, they’d find all this very funny, wouldn’t they.” Kalego muttered, quietly vowing to keep all this information as far away from Senpai as possible, and presumably cry when they inevitably found out nonetheless. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Deal.” Balam smiled, turning his hand on Kalego’s chest to tangle their fingers together. “And… and we’ll stay married?”

“That was never up for debate, Shichirou.” Kalego huffed. “Though we will need to actually talk about what we each want out of this marriage, since you simply assuming I was wordlessly communicating my needs was certainly not working out as well as you thought.”

“Of course, Kalego-kun!” Balam nodded eagerly, his expression of vague concern long morphed into something as delighted and giddy as whatever it was that was insistently attempting to morph Kalego’s neutral frown into something altogether sappy and embarrassing. “Whatever you want!”

Whatever he wanted?

Well.

Balam really ought to know better than to make that kind of offer to another demon, but, if he was willing to indulge Kalego’s long-suppressed greed…

 

“Move in with me. Properly.” Kalego promptly began, all the hidden neediness of the past… decade, at least, bursting out of him. “Hold my hand, ideally in public, and the more PDA in front of our most insufferable colleagues, the better. And do be possessive, I liked that. I will probably continue to pretend that I don’t have feelings, but know that I do, they’re very bothersome, and most of them are due to you. You can call me husband more often, too. We should have a designated date night, I’d like to try sitting in your lap sometimes, there absolutely need to be hugs, maybe, ehem, more, and - you may want to start writing this down.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t forget a single word.” Balam said, and it was quite obvious that he meant it. “I don’t think I could.”

“Yes. Well.” Kalego knew he was blushing, but perhaps he didn’t hate it so much, after all. “There also ought to be- I mean, do you want to… kiss? Maybe?”

“Ah.” Balam looked away, free hand self-consciously coming up to adjust his mask. “Are you sure you want that, Kalego-kun?”

“What,” said Kalego, who had wanted nothing more for many years of his life.

“I mean… you need not feel obligated to.” An embarrassed shrug. “I know how horrifying my scarred mouth is to merely look at, I can’t imagine you’re particularly eager to actually kiss it - Devi knows nobody else ever was - and it would really be only messy at best, so-”

“Shichirou.” Kalego released Balam’s hand, his expression turning to stone, fighting to keep his voice even. “Take off your mask.”

“But-” Balam protested, confused.

“NOW!” Kalego snarled, baring his fangs. “Take. OFF. Your. Mask!”

Balam knew better than to argue, and moved to comply.

“Kalego-kun, what-” He began helplessly, hands fiddling with the closing mechanism - but as soon as the mask was released with a faint metallic >click<, he got no further.

 

 

 

Kalego practically threw himself at Balam, pushing the mask fully out of the way, and then grabbing the side of Balam’s head with one hand, burying the other in his hair, and shoving his own face forward into a kiss.

Balam gasped, flailed, the force of Kalego’s full weight thrown into his lap unbalancing him, and they both went down on the floor in a tangle - but Kalego was still holding on, and only pressed his mouth to the roughened scars more aggressively, kissing as if both their lives depended on it.

It was a bit of a messy kiss, even a little one-sided due to Kalego very deliberately going for the part of Balam’s mouth that lacked intact lips, and at one point he must’ve scraped his own against the sharp edges of Balam’s fangs, because he could very distinctly taste blood; but then Balam’s hands came up to clutch at Kalego with equal desperation, hold him close, and oh yes, this was it, this was what Kalego had yearned for nearly half his life.

He let his (only slightly bleeding) lips linger on the scar tissue for a moment longer before changing his angle of attack so he could deepen the kiss, even being so bold as to try and slip his tongue in between Balam’s teeth and pray it wouldn’t get bitten off - but all Balam did was breathe a soft little sound into Kalego’s mouth and try to press even closer until it was honestly hard to tell where one of them ended and the other began.

Kalego never wanted to separate again, wanted to live only off the breathless little gasps and the bruising grip on his shoulder; he was sure it would be possible, they already made him feel more alive than anything else ever had before. What a fool Balam - his husband - was, thinking that some trivial little scar could prevent Kalego from enjoying this with all his heart!

 

 

 

After a brief eternity - or perhaps an endless second - Kalego finally pulled back, both of them panting hard, hearts racing where Kalego’s chest was resting atop Balam’s.

“Kalego-kun, you…” Balam whispered, stunned, amazed, breathless, visibly in love. “W-why did you do that?”

“Why?” Kalego smirked slightly, and leaned down once more to press a chaste little kiss against the very edge of Balam’s scar. “Shichirou, I did that because I damn well wanted to, and nothing could’ve possibly stopped me. Why else?”

Balam blinked - and then suddenly he began laughing, grin spreading over his entire face, and arms finally releasing their death grip on Kalego’s shoulder and side to curl themselves around his waist in a loose hug while Balam was still helplessly laughing.

“What?” Kalego pushed himself up as much as he could while he was still being embraced, frowning lightly. “What?”

“Oh, it’s- it’s just…” Tears of laughter were gathered along the corners of Balam’s eyes when he finally opened them to look up at Kalego, warm and adoring. “You- that’s the exact same thing you said after I asked why you would want to marry me, a year ago!”

“Was it?” Kalego’s frown slowly cracked apart into a grin. “Well. Glad to know I’m consistent.”

Balam just snorted, burying his face in Kalego’s shoulder, hiccuping a little with laughter. It was, if at all possible, an even better sound than the little sighs and gasps from before.

Kalego turned his face into Balam’s hair, breathing in the faint smell of tea and herbs, and feeling almost overwhelmingly content.

“Oi, Shichirou.” Kalego muttered against Balam’s temple, when his giggles had finally begun to peter out. “For the record, the only reason I’m not also shoving my hand into your mouth and telling you to bite down right here and now is because I want to have another wedding, a proper one that I’ll actually remember fully, with everyone invited so they all know I’m yours, and you’re mine. And you will give me a marriage scar then, I trust you to control your strength, always.”

“Well, if that’s what you want, Kalego-kun... okay.” Balam agreed readily - good, because this had definitely been another thing not up for debate - and let his head fall back onto the carpet to smile up at Kalego. “Will you be very cross with me if I choose Opera-senpai as my Demon of Honour?”

“...I’ve reconsidered.” Kalego said, trying not to smile and failing. “Perhaps I want to file for divorce instead.”

Notes:

Finally! They've talked things out! And even kissed! See what healthy communication can do, kids? (And at last, a chapter not ending on a cliffhanger - quite the change of pace, isn't it?)

The marriage scars are my very favourite headcanon, which I'm putting into almost every single one of my fics because I just love it so much!
In the manga, there's this one panel where A Certain Character (to avoid spoilers) tells another that, someday in the future, they want to marry them, and then take their hand to very gently put their fangs around the other's ring finger without quite biting down. And I figured, what if this isn't just this character specifically performing a very tender and intimate gesture, but actually a reference to a Netherworld wedding custom, where couples bite each other's ring fingers during the ceremony, and then wear the scars instead of rings?
So, yeah, that's what THAT is all about. And of course, Balam with his giant fangs would indeed make this custom a little difficult to perform...

As always, really hoped you enjoyed, a comment would make me very happy, and see you in the last chapter - just a little epilogue, and then this fic will be all wrapped up!
\^-^/ <3 <3 <3

Chapter 10: Epilogue: Mawwiage...

Notes:

Epilogue time! A number of you correctly guessed that it would be Kalego and Balam's re-marriage - and here we are, now!
Gosh, can't believe this fic is coming to an end, and just as s2 of the anime is, too... but there'll be more fic in future, and also more anime! S3, yay!!!!
Until then, please enjoy!
<3

“Does it hurt very badly?”

“Hm?” Kalego blinked. “What?”

“Your hand.” Balam reached over to gently take Kalego’s left hand into his, careful with the fresh bandages that were only very slightly tinged red. “You keep flexing it and staring down at it. I didn’t bite too deeply, did I?”

“Shichirou,” Kalego said, smiling down at their joined hands with something altogether too soft, “I’m not doing that because it hurts. ”

Which, in all honesty, it did. There had been enough blood for Ronove, who had served as flower girl, to nearly faint, and numerous people had offered to magically heal it - including, oddly enough, Iruma - but Kalego had continuously declined

It hurting and being a messy bite was half the point, it was supposed to scar and heal slowly and mark you permanently, which was presumably why many young couples chose not to observe this particular tradition.

Kalego, however, rather liked it, not least for how very long overdue it was, and kept flexing his fingers just to feel the sting of pain and remind himself that yes, it had happened, and he and Balam were at last properly married.

“Well, as long as you don’t pick at it too much…” Balam sighed, throwing Kalego a mock-admonishing look. “Mine nearly got infected because I couldn’t leave it well enough alone. I’d really rather not see you lose a finger after all, Kalego-kun.”

“You can throw another disinfectant spell on it once we’re home.” Kalego grimaced, leaning a little further into Balam’s side. “Speaking of: how much longer until we can leave, what do you think?”

“It’s our own wedding feast,” Balam pointed out patiently, for the fifth time in the past hour. “We absolutely cannot sneak out early, I’m very sorry.”

Kalego grumbled something very displeased, and fumbled with his bandaged hand to pour himself another drink.

(Strictly non-alcoholic. He was very committed to remembering every single second of this day.)

 

---

 

Though, if Kalego were to be honest with himself - which, when it came to emotions, he rarely was - he would admit that he was enjoying himself as much as he possibly could, given that Other People (>shudder<) were involved.

Getting re-married to Balam in front of all the colleagues who had thoroughly embarrassed themselves trying to propose to a married man - and gotten their pay docked after a formal reprimand - had been deeply satisfying, especially since Kalego had overheard a number of them referring to Balam as “that lucky bastard”, which yes, he was, thank you for noticing.

The children also appeared to be enjoying themselves - Iruma in particular, who seemed to have never as much as heard of a traditional Netherworld wedding before, considering how amazed he seemed at every new detail - and most of them were currently dancing in the middle of the hall in pairs or little groups. Azz was dancing with Iruma at one hand and Clara at the other, seeming very close to bursting from happiness, Shax’s sister appeared to be mortifying her brother by flirting with anything that crossed her path, Sabnock had lost his suit jacket and shirt at some point and currently appeared to be bench-pressing four other students over at the buffet tables, and Purson had somehow managed to discreetly smuggle himself into the band, meaning that all songs now came with at least one trumpet solo.

If Kalego were on the clock, he would be admonishing them quite strictly - but as it was, they were currently not his problem, and he was perfectly content leaving them to their own devices and letting their parents or other faculty members deal with it.

 

(If the Esteemed Reader suggests that, perhaps, Kalego enjoyed seeing his students happy, then they are quite obviously mistaken and could not be further from the truth.)

 

The Student Council members were all wearing very fine dresses and suits - except Nafra, who was wearing her usual cloak with a little flower crown on top, and Ronove, who was wearing something so sparkly you couldn’t look at it too long without shielding your eyes - and had congratulated him and Balam with perfect formality and quiet warmth; and then there was Sullivan, who was so emotional over the whole affair that he had come to the ceremony already crying, and was still at it, a puddle forming underneath his chair.

 

(Kalego’s family was somewhere around, too, even Uncle, despite all of Kalego’s attempts to make sure his invitation would get lost in the post.

Narnia had congratulated him with some mild confusion, whispering “I thought you two got married ten years ago!?” to Kalego while they shared a very brief and slightly awkward hug, which… looking back, he could sort of see how his brother had jumped to that conclusion.

Devi knows, he hadn’t been the only one.)

 

It was still terribly loud and bothersome, of course, and Kalego had to fight the impulse to get up on a table and shout “SILENCE!” at them all… but perhaps, just perhaps, he was very nearly having fun, and would remember this feast fondly for many years to come.

 

---

 

“Here’s the happy couple.” Opera suddenly appeared in front of them, looking quite sharp in their Demon of Honour suit, and sipping something blood-red and sparkling. “I’d been looking for you.”

“Senpai!” Balam smiled, and “Senpai!” Kalego shuddered. Even though things had been going a little better between them since The Proposals Incident, old habits were hard to break.

“Underlings.” Opera inclined their head, something faintly resembling a smile glittering in their eyes. “Surely, I have already said so at one point, but allow me to congratulate you two again. Your happiness is my own, and I am therefore particularly pleased to see things have worked out so well in the end.”

“It wouldn’t have happened without you, and we’ll be forever grateful.” Balam assured them, elbowing Kalego in the side until he ground out a reluctant “yes. What Shichirou said.”

“My, my, such gratitude.” Opera brought one dainty hand to their mouth, ears twitching. “Finally, some acknowledgement. I am positively overjoyed.”

“Don’t let it get to your head.” Kalego grumbled, but Opera continued on as if he hadn’t spoken.

“And it really was my pleasure to assist you in the planning and execution of this wonderful ceremony as Demon of Honour.” A faint smirk that was no doubt due to Opera recalling their Honour Speech, which Kalego had spent the past few hours studiously trying to forget. “Only, one thing struck me as a little… peculiar.”

Kalego stiffened imperceptibly. So did Balam beside him.

“I had the paperwork all prepared, you’ll recall, Kalego-kun, and suggested Balam-kun and you ought to sign it in private before the proper ceremony, so none of the guests would realise that it was not, in fact, a renewal, but the first time you joined in unholy matrimony… but then Balam-kun said something funny. Something very funny.”

Kalego swallowed, reaching out discreetly to grab Balam’s hand in a death grip.

“He said that it wouldn’t be necessary. Which I understandably thought rather odd, so I engaged in a little bit of research on my own.” Opera twirled their cocktail glass and took a little sip, watching the two of them over the rim. If Kalego wasn’t much mistaken, they were drinking a Devitini.

 

“Happy anniversary, you two.”

 

Well, damn.

There went any hope of them keeping the entire mortifying truth of their year-long half-marriage well away from Opera’s curious ears. They would continue gloating over how stupid the two of them had been for years to come, Kalego just knew it.

“Ah.” Balam flustered, shooting Kalego little glances that were positively begging for help - but what was Kalego to do? Wipe Opera’s memory? If the Devitini they were sipping wouldn’t do the trick, then there was nothing Kalego could do. “Senpai that… that’s a funny story, that…”

“I have absolutely no doubt that the full explanation will greatly amuse me.” Opera purred, knocking back the last dregs of the Devitini and holding out their hand. “Kalego-kun, if you don’t mind, I will borrow your husband to tell me the entire story over a dance. How does that sound?”

Balam’s glances were now nothing short of panicked - but hey, he had wanted Opera as Demon of Honour, as far as Kalego was concerned, he deserved getting grilled over a Hell Tango.

“Be my guest.” He motioned between Balam and Opera with a shrug. “Better him than me.”

Balam quietly muttered something about divorces, but nevertheless leaned over to press his mask to Kalego’s hair in imitation of a kiss, before taking Opera’s hand and letting them lead him onto the dance floor.

Kalego leaned back to watch them, flexing his bandaged hand again, and, despite Opera just having gotten mocking ammunition for years to come, felt strangely satisfied with his life as a whole.

 

---

 

“Congratulations, Kalego-san.” Blushenko sat down on the empty bench on Kalego’s either side with a respectful little bow. “And thank you for inviting us. It was a beautiful ceremony.”

“Thanks, Blushenko.” Kalego held out his glass to share a toast with him, but then paused. “...why is there a cat on your arm.”

Noodle - who did, admittedly, look quite fetching in a powder-blue dress and with a bow tied around her neck - meowed, and for a second, she and Kalego stared at each other in mutual displeasure at having encountered each other in this venue.

“The invitation said ‘plus-one’.” Blushenko shrugged. “Noodle was most eager to go.”

“That’s really intended to refer to bringing another demon along.” Kalego pointed out. “Not… ah, forget it. Glad you’re here.” Sometimes, life was just too short to argue.

“After recent events, I must admit that I am surprised you invited the entire Babylus staff.” Blushenko picked a piece of chicken from a nearby abandoned plate, and fed it to Noodle. “But I’m also glad to know there are no hard feelings. Apologies for my own involvement in the matter, many mistakes were made during that time.”

“Aside from selling me out, you were the least bad out of them all.” Kalego waved his apology away, carefully not mentioning how close he had gotten to accidentally cheating on Balam with this man. “Though, now that I’ve got you here… I’ve been wondering the entire time, how did the whole thing start? Why was everyone so eager to marry me all of a sudden?”

“Ah, well.” Another piece of chicken disappeared into Noodle. “We were informed of your being quite incredibly rich, due to being a member of the Naberius family, and… a direct inheritance from an aunt, wasn’t it? And the teacher salary at Babylus really isn’t terribly overwhelming, all in all. Marrying you, and having all our financial needs thus secured, was simply too tempting a prospect for any staff member to pass up, and… then it took on a life of its own, I suppose.”

“It was about money!?” Kalego exclaimed incredulously. “All that drama, just over- Devi help me. Of course it was. Of course.”

He groaned, rubbing one hand over his eyes. “Oh I’d love to know who spilled the hellbeans on this one and got me into this entire mess, I’d give them what for. You don’t happen to remember, do you?”

“No,” Blushenko said, very quickly, rubbing his hand over the scars (which, by the way, were from cat claw scratches) on his cheek in a nervous tic quite similar to the way Balam touched his mask when under pressure. “I’ve absolutely no idea.”

“Of course, there’s limited options of who it could be.” Kalego mused. “Everyone knows about my family, of course, but Auntie Fluffy’s inheritance… I don’t think anyone in the Netherworld knows about that, aside from the rest of my family and… and…”

Sensing that a rather significant penny was about to drop, Blushenko quickly removed himself and Noodle from the immediate vicinity of Kalego’s temper.

 

---

 

“...and he really didn’t know?” Opera suppressed a sound that was very nearly a snort. “Oh, silly Kalego-kun.”

“Had no idea.” Balam sighed. “But you’ve really no reason to look smug, neither did you.”

“Fair.” Opera shrugged, and let themselves be twirled. “Then again, I wasn’t directly involved in the-”

A shout of “SHICHIROU!” at quite the significant volume interrupted their conversation quite abruptly.

“Kalego-kun?” Balam turned with a frown, only to see the man in question stomp across the dance floor towards them, quite obviously fuming. “What’s the matter?”

“It was YOU!” Kalego hissed, stabbing his finger in his direction, not caring one whit about the entire wedding party staring at them. “The reason why everyone went proposal-mad - it was YOUR fault!”

“It was most certainly not!” Balam shot back, releasing Opera’s hands and crossing his arms. “I didn’t even know! How would it be my fault?”

“You absolute FOOL told them about Auntie Fluffy’s inheritance, making them all think I was loaded enough for some strategic gold-digging!” Kalego snarled. “Three days of non-stop terror, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!”

“I didn’t-” Balam paused. Frowned. “Oh. Right. I did. Whoops.”

“Whoops? WHOOPS!? Is that all you have to say for yourself, you utter-”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t think it would lead to anything, it was just an offhand comment!”

“We’re getting divorced. Right now.”

“Oh, Kalego-kun, don’t be silly-”

“I mean it this time, Shichirou!”

 

---

 

“Azz-kun?” Iruma tugged at Azz’s sleeve, watching his two teachers share their very first fight as a married couple in the middle of the dance floor, with Opera recording the whole thing on their phone. “Are demon weddings always like this?”

“Ah, no, no, Iruma-sama!” Azz smiled, patting his hand. “Usually, the shouting starts earlier, and there’s a lot more blood. And fire, in the case of my family, at least.”

“I… see?” Iruma said, nodding with only mild concern.

“Don’t worry, Irumachi!” Clara grinned from his other side. “When we three all get married to each other, we’ll have fire extinguishers around!”

Iruma wasn’t sure if that statement was truly reassuring, or if it opened up more questions than it answered - the marriage plans certainly were news to him, though, now that he thought about it, not unappealing… perhaps even very tempting, actually - but he figured, as he watched Kalego-sensei and Balam-sensei proceed to the “tearfully making up” stage of their argument, that it would surely all work out, in the end.

 

 

 

And maybe, just maybe, it would indeed.

Miracles did still happen now and then, after all.

 

 

 

Notes:

I couldn't resist sneaking a hint of Love Trio in at the end... ;3

Also, a funny headcanon, suggested by my brother: the registrar who officiated Kalego and Balam's first wedding was actually Sullivan. He just never told anyone, not even Opera. And STILL signed the new marriage contracts Opera prepared for Kalego and Blushenko, with nothing but a passing thought along the lines of "huh, did Kalego-kun and Balam-kun get divorced? What a shame. Oh well!" because he's Sully.
(By the way, try re-reading this fic, knowing what you now know about Kalego and Balam's marriage... I've been informed by a friend who knew the twist in advance that Kalego's Tragic Pining is very funny with that context! That poor idiot...)

And, well... that's that! It's been so much fun, writing this fic, and I'm so grateful for all the wonderful comments you left, they really brought me a lot of joy! <3 <3 <3
I'll be writing more Iruma fic, rest assured, I'm already working on a few longer projects for this pairing and also for Iruma/Azz (and some fics that have both!), so maybe keep an eye out for that! ;3 I also have a Tumblr, where I may or may not post Iruma art once in a blue moon.
(I even considered drawing some more art for this, but didn't get to it... ah, maybe in future!)

Again, thank you for sticking with this fic, and... see you again soon, I hope!
\^-^/ <3 <3 <3 <3 <3