Work Text:
"A scar on the face is a badge of honor for a man. Though it is only a flaw for a woman."
Utahime kept looking at the screen, ignoring the eyes in the room that had slowly turned towards her.
"Female Jujutsu sorcerers aren't expected to be skilled they are expected to be perfect."
That Nishimiya! she always gets a little too righteous and defensive over trivial comments from others.
Her need to defend her underclassmen is appreciated by Utahime, their teacher, however letting emotions get in the way of fights is the first and foremost 'no' in the book of Jujutsu. She was letting her guard down, giving Kugisaki time to lay her trap.
If she had paid attention to Kugisaki's technique in favor of Kugisaki's confrontational personality, then she would've noticed that Kugisaki had jaded the trees around her with cursed energy imbued nails. She'll be caught in the snare like a pigeon if she doesn't change her priorities soon
Her attitude is understandable though. Raised for a good portion of her life in Manhattan, USA she is the last of Utahime's students Utahime would expect to silently bear with the conservative Jujutsu community. As rules abiding as she was, Utahime herself didn't like kowtowing to the traditional and irrational sexism here in the 21st century.
But what could she do? She deviated when it came to more important and imposing things, like the existence of a mole as Gojo had told her. She was going to help him, which in the big picture is helping herself before any grave situation arises as the problem is implicating.
However, she didn't have the power or patience to reform the Jujutsu community in the fundamentals of it's thinking. She isn't even good enough to vouch for it and raise a voice against sexism.
She will only end up giving examples of successful female figures like Mei Mei, or a core essential Shoko, or perhaps the special grade Yuuki Tsumoko.
She herself would earn nothing by her own virtues. No matter how much her students feel that their teacher is wronged, no matter how much she wishes to see all her students especially her female students live a life of more freedom in an open minded society, she is the last person who could do this.
After all what good was she? She was semi-grade one at the age of 31, and though Nishimiya had conceptualized that she was held back because of her scar, and while that might be, Utahime wasn't delusional to not accept how mediocre her talent was. She didn't even take up missions any longer.
Then the scar. If she could make it to a single Jujutsu meet up without having heard a mention of it then she might have taken it easy on her alcohol intake everyday. Not caring about not finding a life partner is not enough, she needed to learn to not care about what all the people "concerned with her happiness" had to say to.
Luckily the ones in this room were the better of the bunch as none asked a single thing. Though she wouldn't be surprised if Gojo did say later something like,
"Crying your heart out to your students Utahime? Aren't you a sad soul. I would say it's not the scar so much but more your hysterics keeping you from winning men."
And she really wouldn't mind that. She would like hearing that much better than the words of consolation she hears from people whose opinions she dosen't give a damn about.
Sometimes she thought why was she still here anyway. She should probably shift to composing songs full time instead of as a hobby. Again, delusional is the last thing she is so she knows she is good enough to make a living out of it. And her educational qualifications are good enough to get her a job as a regular teacher too, but if she does decide to go away then she will like to leave this lifestyle behind all together. Leave this whole country behind, maybe even her name.
Unfortunately she knew exactly why she wouldn't do that.
It was useful without a doubt. Her technique was unique and useful, but in no way irreplaceable or unexpendable. Still, she was a more treasured individual than Gakuganji who was a grade one and the only other musical sorcerer around. And no, it wasn't just because he was closing in on his deathbed by the day.
Her technique was more useful in behind-the-scenes Jujutsu works. Combined with her knowledge she was the most revered teacher in both the schools. Part of the reason was that Gojo was the cantankerous and flaccid pain-in-the-ass he was and Kusakabe just wouldn't do what he could do and Yaga-Sensei wasn't teaching any longer. But it was also because she was that good. She had managed to become a student favorite and still play by the rules of the higher ups and clans. That seriously was some achievement, and only she knew how many underhand means she had to employ for that.
She prioritized her students' safety and taught them team work and escape methods before fighting. Using the surroundings to their advantage, exploiting the enemies' techniques and reverse counterattacking. The safest ways to achieve the fastest and safest success. She really was the opposite of Gojo when it came down to it.
Even now looking at it, she was seeing how her students were falling short against Gojo's however by assessment of their actions she wasn't disappointed because of their skills. She hadn't taught her students to fight against other Jujutsu sorcerers nearly as much as she had taught them to fight against curse spirits. The equation changed heavily in both the cases.
They were used to exploiting weaknesses and had successfully developed critical thinking, however when it came to fighting other Jujutsu sorcerers without life at line, her students got sensitive.
This was the cause of her disappointment.
It's not that she hadn't known. Each of her students have something over their back to feel weighted. Each of them have something holding them back, and their unresolved emotions is eating it's way up in their rationale.
Mechamaru's intent to kill Panda. They didn't hear the voices but Utahime knows that was what he was about to do. She should have known how his pent up resentment would play against Panda who in many ways was the opposite of him.
Today she felt she had failed as a teacher.
No actually not just failure, she was at fault. It's because of her flaws and her own psychological weakness that her students were starting to turn like her.
Resentful and jealous. Insecure.
It felt like a game now that she thought about it. As if she was a small girl playing house with her imaginary children. Raising them and faking having a family because she never had one.
She was an orphan and she was a scarred-female Jujutsu sorcerer. There was no route for her to ever have had a family and there wouldn't be. In fact, she didn't even want to. Looking at them also reassured her why she wasn't worth it.
Looking at her "imaginary children", her students, she could see how she had played them like they were dolls. They reflected her like a child reflects their parents. She was to blame. It was because of her flaw.
It would be because of her flaws that they would be defeated today.
It was because of her flaws that they are resentful.
It would be because of her flaws if they die resentful.
She was an empty woman raising empty children to fill the void inside her. She was using them.
So hypocritical of her to tell herself everyday that they are the most important people in her life. She was pathetic to feed on their pains and sorrows and find relatibility. That they were the reason she wouldn't leave, couldn't leave, shouldn't leave ... was bound by them. Though in reality, they would seriously be better off with someone like Gojo who would teach them to be independent, not to dwell on their inner demons.
She knew Megumi Fushiguro since before and she very well knew what his circumstances were. He didn't know that Toji Fushiguro was dead, he thought he was abandoned. As if a dead mother wasn't enough, the only person that had mattered in his life was cursed to a coma.
Yet, unlike Kamo the boy was seeking no companions or kindered spirits. She couldn't help but see herself and Gojo in the two students. Eventhough on a regular day both he and Gojo would agree how much alike she and Megumi were and both fell to the personality type Gojo liked to tease alongside Nanami. The INT trio for Gojo's entertainment. Perhaps this was the difference her 'Perception' instead of Megumi's and Nanami's 'Judgement' made. They were better at handling their loads. Maybe it was because of Gojo's influence on Megumi.
Or maybe it was purely because she was weak.
Suddenly it didn't seem that out of the world to think that one of her students might be the mole. It still scared the living daylight out of her.
She once again felt Gojo's covered eyes on her as Kugisaki spoke about loving herself.
Sometimes she wondered if this idiot knew of her dilemma and darkness. If him calling her weak repeatedly was a double entendre. Most of the times he sounded like he was joking for the heck of it, but some times, some days it seemed like he saw through her.
Or was trying.
Yes, it seemed like he had always been trying to get a cryptic meaning to her.
Everytime he called her weak, everytime he called her a coward, everytime he told her he was the better teacher, asked her if she was mad, asked her if she was crying. Told her that hysterics won't win men.
She is probably an idiot bigger than him for thinking he had been doing something like that for over 12 years. Why would he? If he really wanted her to woman-up and face her problems and stop being a sulking little girl in the corner, then he would say it to her face bluntly. That's the type of blunt person he is. He probably tells things like that to Megumi.
But perhaps, it was that nano sized possibility of some hidden meaning which kept lurking in her brain, that kept her from completely hating him.
She almost feels like apologizing to him when Mai shoots Nobara unconscious.
But she holds back.
Like always.