Chapter Text
“Hey Logan, do you have a minute?”
Just as he was about to pour his third coffee this morning, Logan felt his mug tremble in his hand when he took notice of Virgil’s voice. A tiny speck of the hot beverage spilled on his thumb. But he didn’t let himself flinch. Breathing in through his nose, he finished pouring his cup to just an inch beneath the rim.
“I have precisely 12 minutes before I need to get back to work,” Logan replied curtly, placing the can of coffee on the counter in front of him. Virgil walked over from the bottom of the stairs towards the kitchen. Hands tucked in the pockets of his hoodie, he gave Logan a pensive glance that Logan couldn’t quite place.
“Is that alright with you?” he attempted to ask, hoping for some clarification. Since… nothing was clear to him anymore lately. The only things that were clear, revolved around the tasks and scheduling he needed to get done for… Thomas.
Which had become meaningless in and of itself. Thomas seemed to have… more important matters to attend to. Nevertheless, Logan had convinced himself he had no choice but to carry on with his responsibilities, before… Otherwise, he’d…
He took a big sip from his coffee.
“Yeah, I won’t take too much of your time,” Virgil shrugged, shifting his glance from Logan to the couch. “Wanna take a seat?”
“Of course.”
Wrapping both his hands around his mug, which was pleasantly warm and firm and reassuringly sturdy… He made his way over to the couch. He’d hardly ever felt this conscious of how he moved his legs, however illogical that sounds. Heel off the ground, toes off the ground, raise foot and place it down, heel first, then toes. As if it was a desperate attempt to… get control of his body.
“…You okay?” Virgil asked as he looked up from the couch. He had already gotten comfortable, folding his right leg to tug his ankle under neath his left leg. Logan must have been standing still in front of him for a second too long.
“I’m okay,” Logan answered short and matter-of-factly, clearing his throat and taking a seat next to Virgil. They hadn’t spoken in quite some time. Which seemed to have resulted in even longer silences lasting between them. A silence that Logan hadn’t experienced as being this… uncomfortable before.
It had been a while since he had been at a loss for words, as well. Particularly in Virgil’s presence. Either their limited conversational output was not bothersome for the both of them, or they would discuss one of Thomas’ inevitable slip-ups which made Virgil second-guess everything. And Logan would be there to reassure him it wasn’t as big of a catastrophe, as he made it out to be.
But this was… different.
Everything between them was different now.
“Thomas is not doing okay, is he?” Virgil broke their silence, burning his gaze into the side of Logan’s face. It itched, for some reason.
Logan took another sip from his coffee.
“Well, physically speaking Thomas could use more exercise. He has been neglecting his work-outs recently,” Logan began, running his mind through the statistics he had compiled concerning Thomas’ health. Because he would never allow another slip of the tongue, without having written down exactly what he needed to say.
“And mentally, his low self-esteem still appears to limit him in getting through his days in a productive manner. So those are some concerns we need to work on,” Logan rambled on in listing off all the arguments he had prepared. That was all he needed to do. Just rant about the information elaborating on the situation at hand, regardless of whether they’d listen. “So yes – I would agree that he’s not doing as well as we would like him to.”
Logan clutched his fingers tighter around his mug. If this was all Virgil wanted to know, Logan may as well leave now and get back to… whatever he was doing. Why couldn’t he recall the last thing he wrote down in his room before heading over to the kitchen?
“But… we will work on that. It wouldn’t be responsible to rush him into anything. And besides…” Logan’s voice trailed off, as he turned to Virgil. He tried to give him a comforting smile, although… yet again, it felt like he had to contort his facial muscles very consciously. It made him wonder if he was ever able to even smile naturally.
“…Thomas seems to have found someone to take his mind off his worries.”
Virgil locked eyes with him, fiddling with the laces of his hoodie. He pursed his lips together in doubt, which made Logan drop the plastered smile off his face.
“Well, about that ‘rushing him’…” Virgil muttered, his eyeshadow glimmering ever carefully with a shade of purple. “I’m just worried about him and Nico.”
The tension in the air, even for Logan, grew more uncomfortable than the quiet earlier – when Virgil moved his body more towards him. Virgil rubbed his knuckles with his other hand, rocking back and forth a little nervously. Trampling his left heel up and down restlessly.
“What if… he’s overlooking something important? I mean, I love the time they’re spending together now and I’m excited for him and all, but…” Virgil’s eyes shifted all over the place. Logan lowered the warm and sturdy and securely tangible mug in his lap. That warmth…
“I just have this bad feeling that… it’s happening so fast. What if Nico’s too much? What if Thomas slips up again and it’ll ruin everything?” Virgil sounded increasingly frantic, the purple in his eye shadow fading, but that glare in his eyes… It almost sounded accusatory. Logan couldn’t place it.
“Virgil, perhaps…”
The warmth from the bottom of his mug was burning on Logan’s legs at this point. He tightened his lips into a straight line, forcing himself to sound convincing which was surprisingly difficult. Especially when they made eye contact, as Logan turned towards him.
“We could take it one step at a time? And not let our minds magnify these concerns into worst case scenario’s,” he argued, focusing on Virgil’s eyes softening instead of being reminded of the conversation with Thomas he had when he still thought that –
Whatever.
“No doubt these encounters with Nico will bring about new struggles. But as long as we keep…” Logan swallowed, like a lump was stuck in his throat, “…communicating, voicing issues when they arise, I’m sure we’ll think of ways to keep moving forward.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” Virgil nodded, looking down as a gentle smile appeared on his face after he sighed. “I’ll try and lay low. We’ll figure it out.”
…Was that an appropriate sentence to close the conversation with?
Logan just decided it had to be. Virgil had seemed to calmed down, so Logan’s job here was done.
“Hey, Lo?”
Just as Logan was about to get up, he got called upon once again. For some reason, he felt his heart skip a beat as if he’d just been caught doing something out of line. Out of control. But Virgil wouldn’t know, or wouldn’t care to know. Not about anything else but the convenient reassurance Logan provided.
…Would he?
“What is it?” Logan asked as he raised an eyebrow. Virgil took another breath before he answered.
“Thank you. For… always being willing to hear me out, and help. It really means a lot,” he spoke as he turned his body more inwards, folding his left leg underneath his right. While he awkwardly rubbed his left shoulder and kindly met Logan’s gaze, Logan felt a sudden surge of warmth building up in his chest. Perhaps even warmer than his coffee mug.
“Don’t mention it, just another day’s work,” he adjusted his glasses, making sure to hide his flinching eyes behind his palm.
“And you, too.”
It was so quiet, that Logan thought for a second one of his strings of consciousness might have rung in his ears instead. But judging from Virgil’s cheeks blushing a very slight red, he figured he most have been the one saying that.
“…I’m not sure I follow.” Logan rubbed the joints of his fingers, which were resting on his mug. As much as he had given up trying to believe he contributed anything more than some occasional information, whenever it was convenient to them, a part of him made Logan remain frozen in place. Holding his breath for what Virgil would tell him.
“I mean, uh – ” Virgil moved his hand from his shoulder to his neck, stretching it a bit before dropping both hands in his lap. The direct eye contact caused Logan’s breath to hitch.
“You mean a lot to me, too.”
His work, was what Virgil meant.
It must have been. Because Logan knew he only mattered whenever the work he provided was convenient to –
“I know I can be… hard to deal with, but you’ve always been patient and reasonable with me,” Virgil continued, speaking so clearly that Logan couldn’t wrap his head around it. “I just appreciate you, is what I meant.”
“Appreciate… me?”
Disbelief was what allowed Logan to utter those words in response. Even though he should have had an answer ready for this. He wasn’t prepared for this. He should have been prepared, and answer how he always would. Even though… this hit differently.
“Yeah, not just your responsibilities or work, but… you. Being here. You do… know that, right?”
It wouldn’t matter how beckoning Virgil glared at him, because Logan still wouldn’t have known how to respond. What was there about Logan himself to appreciate, besides his work? Which they only acknowledged on occasion, when he was lucky, when it was convenient.
Don’t forget that.
That was his purpose, after all. The only logical purpose – scheduling and statistics and information and responsibilities. The things he provided were common sense, and Logan was just a vessel for it.
An unimportant vessel, an underappreciated vessel. There were more pressing matters on Thomas’ mind that needed tending, Logan had accepted that. It took him way too long, but he’d grown to accept it. He wasn’t that important anymore.
So… why? Why did this acknowledged appreciation feel like something he had been craving for so, so long? Why was he clenching his fingers around his mug, even worrying if he’d shatter it in his grip? Why did part of him want to brush off Virgil’s confused reaction, and another part wanted nothing more than to ask…
Are you sure? Do you appreciate me? Am I more than just occasionally convenient to you? Would you rather take back what you said?
Please don’t take it back.
“Logan. I know I don’t say it enough, but… I really do appreciate you.” Virgil placed a hand on Logan’s shoulder, and Logan was too baffled to know whether to shake the hand off him or melt away at the touch. “You know that gift card you got me for Christmas? I… ended up buying a series of documentary podcasts for it, and they’ve been such a help in keeping me calm. I was kinda dismissive about it when I got it at first. But honestly, thanks. That was… cool of you to get me.”
Logan swallowed. Holding his mug. Pursed his lips together. Ignored the itching in the corners of his eyes. Blinked and simply nodded, because if he’d try to speak he’d lose control of his body’s movements again.
Virgil pinched his shoulder and grinned gratefully. Logan contorted his facial muscles as composed as he could, in order to mirror Virgil’s expression. All he wanted to do now, was just to thank him. Two small words was all he needed to say to have his answer ready.
But he couldn’t.
Not without losing the composure he so desperately needed to fulfill his purpose.
So instead, he found himself releasing one of his hands from his mug to lay it over Virgil’s hand resting on his shoulder. He pinched it, making sure it was real. Hoping it would get his message across.
Virgil’s smile widened. So… it did?
“And you can come to me too whenever you need advice or just to vent, ya know?” Virgil nodded his head, slowly retrieving his hand as Logan did the same. The sensation lingered in Logan’s palm for a second longer, which Logan held onto aware and consciously as if his life depended on it.
“Just knock on my door in case you need a break, or are interested in listening one of those podcasts together.”
Ironically enough, Virgil was the one looking at Logan’s watch to acknowledge the time.
12 minutes had passed. Logan wished he was allowed to stay with Virgil longer. But… he needed to get back to work.
They both got up from the couch at the same time, the silence between them no longer uncomfortable. The comfortable silence Logan had been missing.
Maybe he could try. Maybe it would be okay… to pay Virgil a visit after work was finished. If it was what Virgil suggested.
“I am, or, I… would be interested,” Logan cleared his throat and answered, counting himself lucky his voice didn’t sound as scrapy. “If you don’t mind, that is, then I could drop by in about two hours?”
“ ‘Course I don’t mind,” Virgil chuckled, “It looked like you needed some company, so I’m glad to help you for a change. Then I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?”
“Sure,” Logan’s voice changed pitch, but Virgil didn’t appear bothered. “I appreciate the concern. I’ll… see you.”
As Logan walked over to the kitchen to clean up his mug, he heard Virgil’s footsteps fade away in the living room and up the stairs. The warm feeling in his chest was unconsciously travelling through his stomach, and Logan hoped he’d be able to cherish this and Virgil’s words for the rest of the day.
Logan wasn’t sure whether Virgil heard what he said last, but the utterance of the words alone made him realize the conviction behind them.
“I... appreciate you, too.”