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There are times when Chan needs to take the advice of fans and get offline.
They don’t happen often. It’s usually when he comes across a particularly raunchy fan art of his members that he wasn’t expecting to see in that moment (the art was usually incredibly impressive though, he had to admit) or a video edit of himself set to a sexual song that makes him blush from his toes to the tips of his ears.
He’s spent too many hours on the secret Twitter account he made years ago, mainly to avoid accidentally liking things from the band’s account. He’s nothing but careful. He enjoys it, scrolling aimlessly to see what goes on outside of their little bubble and retweeting cute things fans have drawn or nice things they’ve said. He looks like any old Stray Kids retweet bot account.
Chris, drop your stan account, the comments on his Vlives will say.
“Haha, I don’t have a Twitter!” he’ll lie through his teeth in response.
Tonight, he’s thankful that he’s the only one in the room, because that means he doesn’t have to lie there with earbuds in. Felix texted him earlier that he was still at the company, and Changbin is more than likely there as well. He lies with his cheek pressed against his pillow, not the most attractive he’s ever looked, as his thumb scrolls endlessly down his timeline.
He nearly passes by a video, black with a watermarked username on top of it, and he wouldn’t have given it much thought if not for the caption that reads, BI LITTLE FELIX!!!
He narrows his eyes and taps on the video. “Girl or boy?” he hears, and yeah, that’s Felix’s voice. More than likely secretly recorded at a fansign. ”Oh...either?” the fan says, confused, to which Felix confidently replies, “Boy? My ideal type would be—”
And then it cuts off.
The video loops back to the beginning, and Chan isn’t really sure he’s breathing until the fourth or fifth loop. He swallows and taps out of it, scrolls for a short moment, but finds himself scrolling back up to listen to it a sixth, seventh, eighth time.
It was a joke, he reasons with himself. It was a joke with a fan at a fansign. Felix was dodging that clichéd question by making a joke about one of the members being his ideal type or something. Or something.
Or.
Or it means that Chan’s not the only one. That another member in his group also likes boys. That, to make matters worse, the member Chan has spent the past year shoving down feelings for, feelings that try to crawl up his throat when they’re curled in bed together, also likes boys.
Thinking about that gives him a stomach ache on a normal day, but it’s twice as bad now. He relaxes the scowl on his face from thinking too hard and takes a shaky breath, locking his phone and staring up at the ceiling to try and process the static in his brain.
The door slams open loud enough to make Chan jump, and that’s inconvenient, because frankly his brain wasn’t done processing.
“Honey, I’m home!” Felix singsongs as the door swings open. He tosses his bag into the corner of the room, and when he catches a glimpse of Chan, he furrows his eyebrows. “Why do you look like you’re astral projecting?”
“Huh?”
“You were just staring at the ceiling in complete silence.”
Chan sits up and runs a hand through his messy hair, smiling as a knee-jerk reaction. Conceal, don’t feel, or whatever. “Nah, I’m okay. How was recording?” he asks, changing the subject away from himself as quickly as possible.
Felix doesn’t look like he’s buying it, but he goes along anyway. “It was fine. Not my best, but Changbinnie-hyung seemed happy with it.”
“I’m sure you did amazing,” Chan says, leaning back against his headboard. He feels weirdly itchy all over and his instinct of flight is kicking in. “Is he back too?”
Felix shook his head, plopping down onto Changbin’s bed. He sleeps in the bunk above Changbin, but ever since they’ve been rooming together, it wasn’t uncommon for him to settle into Changbin’s bed when he wanted to be eye-level with Chan. If Changbin knows, he doesn’t seem to mind. “Staying behind with Hannie,” he replies. “They wanted to keep working on a song or something.”
Chan hums noncommittally, staring in front of him at the comforter covering his legs. He wants to bring the video up to Felix, but he knows there’s no casual way to bring it up. He would let it go, at least for now, but there’s a gnawing in his gut that confirms that he won’t be able to move on with his day until he talks about it. He won’t be able to even look Felix in the eye until he does.
Would asking Felix about it be forcing him to come out? He wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable. But he said this to a fan, in public, so it wouldn’t be asking him anything he hasn’t already hinted at, right? It’s just for clarification.
There’s two ways of going about this, he thinks, and he has to decide quickly. He can ask Felix outright, but it could come off too curious, too eager to know. It could open up the possibility of accidentally coming out, and he’s not ready for that yet.
Or, he could go into leader-mode and frame it with concern and reassurance. It won’t give him away. It’s inconspicuous enough.
Chan sits up straighter and turns his body towards Felix, clearing his throat awkwardly as he quickly thinks of how to bring the subject up.
Felix raises his eyebrows, propping his head up on his hand as he faces Chan on his side. “What’s up?”
“I, um,” Chan starts, clasping his hands together. “Can I ask you something kinda invasive?”
Felix’s face wrinkles up, a little scared but mostly confused. “Y...eah?” he replies slowly.
“So, the first thing I want to say is that I love you, and we all love you, and literally nothing will ever change that, okay?” God, he sounds like a parent with the way he’s putting on a slightly authoritative tone. “And I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position, but I also want you to know that you’re free to be open with all of us.”
The look on Felix’s face is still confused, but he doesn’t look scared anymore. More of a hint of...amusement. “Just ask me, Chris.”
“Okay, so I was on Twitter earlier—”
“Always a great idea.”
“Oh, hush.” Chan shakes his head to reset his train of thought. “Anyway. I was on Twitter and I saw this...video. Or heard it. There weren’t, like, visuals to it. But in the video, you kind of implied that you, um. That you might like boys? The same way you like girls? And I can’t tell if it was a joke or if you...do. Like boys.”
Felix’s eyes narrow. “Wait, what?”
Chan’s face heats up, embarrassed and wishing he could rewind the past thirty seconds. “No, see, it’s—” He fumbles to grab his phone, quickly swiping back to his bookmarks to play the video out loud. It’s even more difficult to listen to with Felix right there across the room.
When the recording ends, Felix sits up straight and cocks his head like a confused dog. He’s just looking at Chan and it’s making him feel itchy.
“That’s why I thought,” Chan tacks on, dropping his phone into his lap. “Maybe. I dunno. It was probably a joke, nevermind. Pretend I didn’t say anything.”
Felix shakes his head, waving a hand to stop Chan from backtracking. “Wait, wait, no. Dude, you didn’t know?”
“Know...what?”
“That I’m bi.”
Chan swallows. “No, I— no. I didn’t know. Should I have known this?”
“I thought everyone knew,” Felix says gently, smiling in disbelief. “Hyunjin has known since pre-debut and you know he never shuts up, so I just assumed he told you too. That video was a joke — I finished that sentence by saying Changbinnie-hyung was my ideal type — but like, I am bisexual. Guys, girls, neither, I don't mind.”
“Oh,” is all Chan can muster to say, staring hard at the floor between them. He shifts a little; he’s got that uncomfortable feeling in his gut, the same one he felt when he found out Felix cuddled everyone but him a while back. “Yeah, no one told me. Which, I guess you didn’t have to tell me, it’s none of my business, but...yeah. I didn’t know.”
Chan is aware of how awkward he’s acting, but he can’t help it. He’s gotten that confirmation, that he’s not the only one, and that it’s Felix no less. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say.
“Is that okay?” Felix asks, seeming to take Chan’s awkwardness as disapproval.
“What? Oh my god, of course it is. I told you, the boys and I will love you no matter what,” Chan says. “And, well, I guess the boys already knew, but. Still. I didn’t want you to think you had to hide that if it was true.”
It’s funny, he thinks, that he can’t give himself that courtesy.
“I wasn’t hiding it,” Felix says with a shrug. “I guess it never came up because we don’t have time to date, and I don’t really broadcast when I hook up with someone.”
Chan’s eyebrows shoot up. “You do?”
Felix smirks. “I mean, yeah. We all do, and I know you do, too.”
He’s not wrong; Chan doesn’t find the time to see people as often as the others, but he’s been guilty of breaking the dating ban more than a few times.
“With...boys?” Chan asks dumbly.
“Yep,” Felix snorts, “and girls, but mostly boys. I’m not the only not-straight person in this industry, dude. Far from it.”
Chan knows logically that’s true. They’re in the entertainment industry, for god’s sake; of course not everyone is straight. But still, another reminder that he’s not the only one is enough to rattle his brain. He starts thinking back to all the boys Felix regularly hangs out with, but immediately feels gross for speculating. “That’s fair.”
“Easier to sneak into a boy’s dorm, too,” Felix adds, waggling his eyebrows. “No one asks questions when it’s two dudes hanging out.”
There’s a lump in Chan’s throat. It’s jealousy. As much as he tries to avoid how he looks at Felix differently than the rest, he knows this feeling. It feels so ugly and undeserved — if he can’t even admit to anyone that he might like a boy, then he has no right to be jealous when that boy sees other people.
“Well, be careful, okay?” Chan says, scooting himself back down on the bed to lie on his back. “Dating is already risky for us, but it’s even riskier if anyone finds out that you— yeah.”
Felix shrugs. “Considering my best mate didn’t catch on until four years in, I think I’ve been pretty careful.”
Touché.
❖
Later, when Chan tiptoes into the kitchen at 3am, he sees Changbin hunched over the countertop. He must have just gotten back from the studio. He’s got a bowl of cereal in front of him, and he’s chewing so slowly that Chan worries he’ll fall asleep while standing up.
Chan walks past him, opting to open the refrigerator and stare at the shelves until something looks appetizing to snack on. They coexist for a few moments, the silence of the kitchen only disrupted when Changbin takes a lethargic bite of cereal.
Without turning from the fridge, Chan asks, “Did you know Felix is bisexual?”
“Duh,” Changbin says mid-chew, unfazed.
❖
Chan has spent the majority of his life feeling like he wasn’t enough. Not because of anything anyone said, not really, but the feeling of being alright but not quite there has followed him like a shadow for as long as he can remember. An approximate knowledge of many things, pretty good at a lot of things but not great at any one thing.
Every aspect of his sense of self feels sort of half-baked. He’s not ugly, but he doesn’t think he’s the most handsome person in the room. He knows his way around Logic Pro, but he would hardly call himself a professional producer. He can draw, but only kind of. He’s straight, but. But only kind of.
He’s straight, but his google search history says otherwise. He’s straight, but the dozens of videos he’s watched on bisexuality and what that could mean for him are proof that maybe he’s not. He’s straight, but he likes a boy.
And that would make him not straight, wouldn’t it? He’s spent the past four years wondering why he always looked at Felix a little differently than the rest (just like the way he would look at his favorite actors as a teenager with a bit too much reverence and adoration, because hindsight is a funny thing). And finally, finally, he admitted to himself last year that those feelings aren’t platonic, that they’re closer to his past crushes on girls than his friendship with boys, and the realization has been plaguing him ever since.
It’s just — it’s just that it feels like a fluke. If he was bisexual, like the internet says he probably is, this shouldn’t be the first time he gets fucking butterflies when he looks at someone who's not a girl. He doesn’t feel straight enough to call himself straight, but he sure doesn’t feel bisexual enough to be bisexual.
Not talented enough. Not handsome enough. Not bisexual enough.
It would be whatever, like it’s just been whatever for the past year, but now Chan isn’t the only person he knows to grapple with this, and it’s making it hard to look Felix in the eye lately.
He’s not proud of it, but being near Felix in the week since their talk feels like taking a hard, confusing look into a mirror, and Chan doesn’t know how to properly process that. He almost wishes it was a different member of their group, literally anyone else who wasn’t the one who sent Chan into this spiral.
But of course it’s Felix. Maybe this is all harder because Chan had convinced himself along the way that it was such an impossibility that it wasn’t worth thinking too hard over. He’d think, This is silly, this can never happen, you’ll get over this because there’s no chance of this going anywhere.
Maybe it’s harder because it’s not a matter of Felix not liking boys, it’s a matter of Felix not liking him, and that feels a lot worse. It’s been keeping him up at night and in the studio, because it’s all too much to think about and he’d rather distract himself with something productive.
Tonight, Chan gets home from the company at 10 pm to the usual ruckus of the dorms. He steps into the kitchen, refills his water bottle, says his sleepy hellos to the rest of the members who are winding down for the night. He’s not planning on being around for long.
He moves to his bedroom and drops his bag, changing into a less crusty pair of sweatpants before another stint in the studio. He’s ashamed to admit how little time he’s been spending at the dorms lately. Seungmin asked about it, wanting to make sure Chan was taking care of himself, but Chan said he’s just been in a creative streak and wanted to take advantage of the momentum. It was a lie, but it pacified Seungmin into not asking anymore questions.
The door squeaks open slowly, and then he hears a low, “Hey, you decent?”
“Yeah, come in,” Chan says, throat tightening around his words. “What’s up?”
Felix steps in slowly and gives Chan a soft smile. “I’m about to put on a movie out there, wanna join me? I’ve been wanting to watch that Midsommar movie but I think I need some moral support.”
“Ah, I can’t.” Chan leans down to grab his bag again. “I’m heading back to the studio.”
Felix’s smile falters. “Oh, okay. You’ve just— you’ve spent a lot of time there lately. Wasn’t sure if you wanted a night in.”
He feels like a coward, but it’s— it’s just a lot. Being around Felix right now is a lot, and he knows he’s being a dick, but he can’t help that his instinct is to run. “M’sorry,” Chan says, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Got some stuff to work on.”
“Okay,” Felix says again. Chan can tell that he wants to say more, but he’s picking his battles. “Have a good night, then.”
Chan forces a smile, as if that’ll make him seem any less suspicious. “Thanks,” he says as he scoots past Felix, intending on beelining to the front door before anyone else can stop him. “Have fun with your movie, yeah?”
“Yeah. Night.”
❖
Chan isn’t completely blindsided when Felix finally confronts him. He’s just gotten home from another full day at the studio; some of the members are still out practicing, so the dorms are quieter than usual as he finishes up his dinner.
The front door opens with more force than usual, and Chan hears a bag get dropped unceremoniously onto the floor and footsteps approaching the kitchen.
Felix rounds the corner and looks at Chan, jaw tightened. “Changbin home?”
Chan shakes his head. “Recording something, I think.”
“Cool. You and I need to talk.” Felix points between the two of them, then walks off towards their bedroom. “Like, now.”
Chan’s never heard Felix sound like this before, and his stomach drops like he’s just been scolded by his parents. He stands up, slowly following to where Felix is holding their door open, and nervously sits on his bed.
Felix closes the door and crosses his arms over his chest. “So, you wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Chan can feel his blood running cold. “What do you mean?” he asks, near-whisper, fully knowing what Felix means.
“What do I mean? ” Felix narrows his eyes, and oh god, he’s angry. He’s been letting this fester and Chan can’t blame him even a little bit. “What I mean is that you’ve spent the past two weeks ignoring me. What I mean is that you found out that I fuck dudes, and you stopped talking to me.”
Chan’s mouth hangs open. He wants to speak, but he doesn’t even know where to begin. He knew Felix could tell something was wrong, but he didn’t think far enough ahead to know how to respond when he was inevitably called out.
“Do you have a problem with that?” Felix continues. “Does me liking boys make you uncomfortable? Because I swear to god, Chris, if you—”
“No,” Chan finally chokes out, shaking his head. “No, no, I don’t have a problem with it at all, oh my god, no.”
“Then what the fuck is up?” Felix pushes. There are angry tears starting to shine in Felix’s eyes. “Forgive me for thinking those events are related, but it’s really hard not to think that you’re so squicked out that you can’t even look me in the eye anymore.”
“I know, I’ve been awful,” Chan says, because it’s the only thing he’s sure of. “I’ve just been...dealing with some things. Internally. It’s hard to explain.”
“Well, I’m going to need you to explain,” Felix bites. He sounds so hurt. “Because we’re about to have a big problem if you can’t accept me, your best fucking friend, for who I am.”
Chan tangles his hands through his hair, elbows on his thighs as he tries to formulate how to word what he wants to say. “Have you ever,” he starts, taking a deep breath, “like, found something out about yourself and it scared you real bad? And there’s no real reason to be scared, but you feel like you don’t really know yourself anymore and that freaks you out?”
Felix leans against the door, listening.
“Maybe you’ve tried ignoring that part of you in hopes that you can feel normal again, but then you meet someone who is like you?” Chan breathes out shakily, and he knows he’s about to start crying. “And you thought it’d make you feel less alone, and you thought you’d be able to talk to them about it and feel some clarity, but instead it freaks you out even more?”
Something clicks for Felix. “Oh,” he says, tinged in realization. “Oh, Chris, wait. Are you—?”
“Yeah.” Chan wipes at his eyes. It’s only half of why he was avoiding him, but telling him this is enough for now. “Kind of. I don’t know.”
Felix's voice goes softer. “But you don’t think you’re straight.”
“The internet says I’m bi.” Chan sits up straight, tilts his head back as if gravity will push his tears back into his body. “Which, I don’t know, I don’t feel bi enough to call myself that. But I guess I am.”
Felix finally moves and sits himself down next to Chan, pressed close to him with his arms wrapped fully around Chan’s arms and chest. There’s a weight off of Chan’s shoulders, just from acknowledging the big scary thing, and having Felix this close isn’t as nerve-wracking as he expected.
“I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud,” Chan admits through a watery laugh.
“I’m sorry,” Felix whispers, leaning his head against Chan’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I shouldn’t have forced you to come out to me if you weren’t ready.”
Chan sniffles, shaking his head. “No, it’s okay. I would have told you eventually, and I was acting fucking weird so I don’t blame you for assuming the worst.” He lifts his hand on instinct to run through Felix’s hair. “I wasn’t not ready, it’s just— it’s confusing I guess. You seem so confident in being bi and I feel like an...imposter or something.”
“You’re not,” Felix says, concern painting his face. He untangles himself from Chan but stays close enough for their arms to press against each other. “Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s only happened once,” Chan says. “I think I had crushes on, like, celebrities growing up, but I only realized they were crushes when I came to terms with actually liking a boy.”
“You like someone? Right now?”
Chris pauses. He feels dangerously close to telling the entire truth. “Yeah.”
Felix’s head returns to Chan’s shoulder, looping their arms together. “It’s a weird feeling, that first big crush. Especially if you think he’s straight.”
He’s not straight, though, Chan thinks. “Yeah,” he repeats instead. “Yeah, it...it threw me for a loop.”
“Well, I’m here,” Felix promises. “If you ever need to talk about it. You don’t have to tell me who it is, but I’ll probably understand more than the others.”
Chan smiles weakly. Felix has always been there for him, through everything life has hurled at him over the past four years. “Thank you,” he says, resting his head on top of Felix’s. “I’m sorry for acting like a 12-year-old and avoiding you. Nothing could ever make me think less of you.”
Felix hums contently, tightening his hold on Chan’s arm. Chan squeezes right back.
❖
It’s funny how communication can actually strengthen a relationship.
Chan feels lighter around Felix now more than ever. They were always close, of course, but now there’s another layer of camaraderie over this experience that, for all they knew, only they have gone through. Queer people gravitate to each other, Felix told him once, so maybe that’s another reason they grew so close from the get-go.
They haven’t really talked about it since, but Felix, sweet Felix, has sent him a few YouTube videos in an effort to make Chan feel enough — a video essay on internalized biphobia, the history of the word bisexual, a deep dive into how actually, Dracula has always been bisexual, did you know?
There’s never context when he texts him the links, but there’s an unspoken, This is a good video. It might help you figure things out.
It makes Chan feel known. He feels loved. He feels like maybe, whatever he is, it’s enough.
He’s always felt enough with Felix, though. It’s no wonder he fell for him. If anything, his feelings have only grown stronger, but he’s surprisingly found himself clinging to Felix more instead of running away from those feelings. Maybe he’ll tell him one day.
The first time Felix climbed into his bed after their talk, Chan felt relief sink in his bones. It felt like things were back to normal, but a new normal where they cuddle a little closer, speak a little softer. Felix is even more open with his physical affection, as if they’d broken down some barrier together, and Chan soaks it all in.
By the time the eight of them file into the dorm, they’re all ready to crash on the nearest flat surface. They’ve spent a long day in front of the camera, photoshoots and interviews getting ready for the comeback around the corner. Chan is tired, but he’s happy.
He’s even happier when Felix pops into their room, his face fresh and make-up free. Chan’s always loved him like this the most, all wide smiles and face full of freckles. Without a word, Chan opens his arms to beckon Felix over for a cuddle, and he slides right into the spot Chan has left for him.
“Tired?” Chan asks when Felix nuzzles his face sleepily into his shoulder.
“A little,” Felix mutters. “Less tired and more like I need to just be horizontal.”
Chan hums in agreement. “You did good today, though.”
“Did I?”
“Mhmm. You looked really good. The photos turned out great.”
Felix squeaks one of those small, happy sounds that makes Chan want to cry from how cute he is. “Thanks,” he says. “Means a lot coming from you.”
Chan lifts his head to look down at the blonde mop of hair. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why me?”
“Because you always look so nice. Always in such great shape,” Felix says shyly into the fabric of Chan’s shirt. He scratches at Chan’s side, light enough to tickle, and teasingly adds, “Our handsome leader.”
Chan yelps and squirms away from the touch. “Nah,” he laughs, settling back onto his pillow. “You’ve got the whole world falling at your feet, Lix. You don’t need my validation. But thank you.”
“Mm.” Felix scoots a bit closer and closes his eyes. “What if your validation is the only one I care about?”
It feels loaded, with the way Felix said it, and Chan feels his heart rate increase from the directness. Another reminder that he’s truly never felt this much for anyone before. He takes a moment, buries his nose into Felix’s hair, and says, “Then I’ll be there to give it to you for as long as you’ll have me.”
Chan is gently jostled awake by Felix untangling himself from their mess of limbs the next morning. In his sleepy state, and maybe because of the lingering effects of last night, Chan’s instinct is to wrap his arms around Felix to keep him in place.
Felix laughs low in his chest, heavy with sleep, and wiggles in Chan’s arms. “Let me go, I’ll be right back.”
“Nuh uh,” Chan croaks, hugging him closer. “Warm.”
“I’ll be right back, you big baby,” Felix jeers, eventually slipping out of Chan’s stranglehold.
Felix pads out of the room, slowly opening and closing the door so as to not wake anyone up with its squeaky hinges. Chan finally blinks his eyes open, taking in the brightness of the room and yawning. Changbin’s bed is empty, which isn’t uncommon since he has a habit of falling asleep wherever he lands. Chan would bet five dollars that he’s conked out on the couch because the bed was too far.
Maybe it’s selfish, but Chan is fond of when that happens. It’s always nice to wake up with just Felix, especially when he’s in his arms. A burst of sunlight, just for him to wake up to.
Felix returns a minute or so later, crawling back into his rightful place against Chan’s shoulder. “See,” he says, poking Chan’s chest before draping his arm across his stomach. “M’not going anywhere.”
Chan relaxes back into the warmth and slurs through a yawn, “Good.”
“Hm?”
“Good,” he says a bit clearer. “I’m glad you’re not going anywhere.”
“You’re stuck with me forever,” Felix says with a goofy affect to his voice, adding an evil little laugh for good measure. “There’s no getting rid of me.”
Chan could play along, respond with a sarcastic oh darn like he usually would, but he can’t find it in himself to be anything but sincere. “That sounds like a pretty good forever, I think.”
The air shifts at that, but considering Felix is still holding him close, Chan doesn’t think it’s in a bad way. Something is shifting between them, maybe has been for a while now. Chan’s pretty sure they both feel it.
Felix is quiet for a moment, just breathing softly. It’s like he’s soaking in the moment while he can. Then, he lifts his head to look up at Chan. “You know, I don’t think that mystery boy of yours would like hearing you say those things to someone else,” he says suddenly, a smile growing slowly on his lips.
He says it like he doesn’t actually believe there’s another boy, and it makes Chan feel brave. The corner of his mouth quirks up. “Oh? I think he likes it alright.”
“Have you told him you like him?”
“Nah,” Chan says. He peers down at Felix, finally locking eyes with intent. “But I think he knows.”
“Does he?”
“Pretty sure.”
Felix takes a pause, processing, but doesn’t break eye contact. Then, a tentative smile. “You’d better be talking about me, or else you’re extraordinarily bad at sending signals.”
Chan throws his head back into the pillow with a laugh, and the tension between them is gone. “Yeah,” he breathes easily. “Yeah, it’s always been you.”
Felix perches up on his elbows, looking down at Chan so fondly that Chan feels like he could burst. “For what it’s worth,” he says. “It’s always been you for me, too.”
Chan’s mouth drops in surprise. “For real? Always?” he squeaks, scooting up to be more level with Felix.
“Of course,” Felix giggles. “Since I met you. Trust me, you get real good at hiding crushes when they’re on straight guys. Or, well...presumed to be straight, in your case.”
“Yeah, it’s been a journey,” Chan sighs. He’s been working through it, feeling more comfortable in his skin as each day passes. This is all new to him, especially with how real it all feels now with Felix on his horizon, but he thinks he’s ready for it.
“Wait, so you actually like me?”
Chan nods. “I do.”
Felix’s expression turns a bit more serious. He swallows nervously, then says, “And you’re sure, right? You’re okay with...being with a boy?”
“Yeah,” Chan says definitively. “More sure than ever.”
“Because I don’t...I can’t be, like, a test run for you. Like, you’re it for me, Chris. I need you to be sure that you’re sure.”
Chan reaches for Felix’s hand, gently taking it and sliding their fingers together. He’s probably shaking, and his heart is beating so fucking fast, but that’s okay. “I won’t lie and say I’m not a little scared,” he admits. “We’ll have to tell the others once we find our footing, and I’ve never, like...kissed a guy. But the one thing I am sure about is how I feel about you, and it’s a lot, Lix. And this...this feels right, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Felix breathes. “It does.”
“So, if you’re willing to help me navigate this uncharted territory, then I want to try,” Chan says, so sure and so ready. “It’s scary, but I’m not too scared to try.”
Felix takes a shaky breath. He looks down at their linked hands, then back up at Chan. “Okay.”
Chan smiles. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Felix says, squeezing Chan’s hand. “Yeah. Let’s try.”