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“The other night I found her all freaked out like something was wrong. She said she was scared of screwing up with our kid the way your parents screwed up with the two of you guys.”
Buck looks up at him, a hint of disbelief in his expression. “She said that?”
“Kind of? I mean she wasn’t specific, but she never is. She said that they’re not bad people, so I’m guessing that they weren’t abusive?”
There’s a beat of silence. Buck’s eyes slide over Chim’s shoulder, and then he quickly turns his head away.
“No! No, of course not,” he says dismissively, but everything about him suddenly seems off. His shrug curls inward, and his brows pull together, in that way he does when he’s belittling himself and his feelings. His eyes are resolutely stuck on a spot on the floor.
Dread floods in Chimney’s stomach.
“Buck…” he starts, but doesn’t know how to continue. He’d been hoping- had convinced himself that his fears were irrational. That Maddie’s terror had been more because of insecurities and hormones rather than based in truth.
That she would have told him.
“Don’t leave them alone with the baby, got it.” He leans back with a heavy sigh, rubbing his neck with both hands.
Buck’s head snaps up, suddenly catching his eyes again.
“What? No, that’s not- that’s not what I said,” Buck stutters. Chimney can see him trying to keep hold of his shield of nonchalance, but his eyes are too wide, his movements too big.
“Buck,” Chim says, as gently as he can muster. “You don’t have to- pretend, or protect them, or whatever this is.”
Buck crosses his arms, seeming deeply uncomfortable, and Chim wishes he hadn’t asked anything at all, let alone in the middle of a shift.
Surprisingly, it’s Buck who breaks the silence. His voice comes out quiet.
“It’s not- that,” he says, looking down at his knees. His hand comes out to scratch at his wrist. “They’ll love the baby; it’ll be fine with them.”
Chim scoots closer on the couch. He wants to reach out, but the closed off body language of his friend makes him hesitate. Softly, he asks:
“So, what is it?”
Buck shrugs with one shoulder.
“I think- I mean, I’m pretty sure it was just-” He sucks in a harsh breath, and his voice waivers ever so slightly. “-me.”
And Chimney. Chimney knows a thing or two about being singled out by a parent. He knows exactly how easy it is to blame yourself, as a child, as an adult, because if you’d just done better, been better, then maybe they would’ve loved you like they loved your sibling.
But Chim had had three parents who loved him even though his father didn’t. Three parents to teach him the guilt wasn’t his to bear.
Had Buck had anyone?
“You can’t tell Maddie,” Buck says then, and again Chimney’s brain stutters to a halt.
“Maddie doesn’t know?!” he asks incredulously.
Buck shakes his head as if it’s obvious, as if Chim is out of his mind to even suggest it.
“She’s got enough to deal with without all my crap. She already feels so guilty about leaving me with them, could you imagine if she knew- if she knew that when she left…” He trails off.
“It got worse?”
Buck grimaces.
“It got- Before that they didn’t-“ he swallows around the words, and just when Chim is about to prompt him again, he says:
“I was a lot of trouble, when I was a kid, but Maddie was always there to mediate when I pushed things too far, you know? So, most of the time, mom and dad just- ignored me. But then Maddie moved to Boston, and I was a teenager fucking up instead of just a kid messing around, and they…” Buck trails off again, mouth opening and closing around words he can’t seem to find. Chim understands though, and well, fuck.
“That’s when it started?”
Buck winces, but slowly nods his head, just once. Chimney pulls a deep breath and weaves his fingers together.
“I understand that you want to protect her. I get it. But Buck, you have to tell her.”
“No-“
“No, listen to me, Buck. She’s been talking about maybe inviting them here for the baby shower.”
Buck’s eyes go wider again. His voice is small, as he asks: “She has?”
“Yeah,” Chim confirms with a firm nod. “So, you have to tell her, so she doesn’t do it.”
His friend’s eyes find the floor again, and he wraps his arms around himself. “No, the baby deserves to know their family. You shouldn’t take that from them just because I can’t get along with my parents.”
Chimney very consciously does not point out how badly Buck is minimizing his own suffering.
“No, what the baby deserves is a family that loves them, and cares about them. The baby already has that,” he gestures to the room at large, which is blessedly empty still. “They have the whole 118, and all of dispatch. And the best uncle in the world.”
He reaches out and nudges Buck’s shin with his foot. “We’re family, man. That’s way more important than some grandparents who can’t even treat their own kids right.”
Buck glances up at him. His eyes are wet, and he tries to sniff discretely, but there’s a hint of a smile tugging on his lips.
“Maddie would want to know,” Chim continues softly now that he’s finally got eye contact with his friend again. “You are so much more important to her than your parents.”
Buck finally nods. “I’ll think about it,” he says, but it seems more like a yes than a no, so Chim decides to take it.
“Good,” he says. He reaches out a hand over the gap between the couch and Buck’s chair, and Buck takes it with an amused huff. “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”
“Thanks, Chim,” Buck says and gives his hand a squeeze. Then he smiles mischievously, if still a bit shaky. “I’ll let Albert know you think I’ll be the best uncle.”
Chim knows a deflection when he sees one, but Buck for sure deserves the out he’s asking for. So, Chimney squints at him, lets go of his hand and points an accusing finger at him.
“Don’t you dare!”