Chapter Text
“As Cygnus III Black’s final term as Minister for Magic comes to an end, let us remind ourselves of the journey we embarked on with the Black family when Cygnus first took to office. In a worldwide first, the family granted us an exclusive look into their home to document their most personal moments. They have shared the ordinary and the extraordinary, their triumphs and their tragedies.
This is Toujours Pur….”
“I am Walburga Black.”
Walburga has a pointed face, all sharp lines and high cheekbones. She’s regal, like the rest of the family. She holds her head up high. Her dark hair barely flecked with grey as her blue-grey eyes assess me. From behind the camera, I nod, “Introduce yourself.”
Walburga raises an eyebrow, “I just did.”
“Could you tell us a little bit about yourself, then?”
Walburga sighs, “I am Cygnus’s sister. Without me, he would be nothing. I taught him everything he knows about politics, but of course, a woman could never run for Minister as successfully as a man can, so naturally, my brother got all of the success….”
“She said that?”
“Yes. She said she’s the secret behind your success.”
Cygnus scoffs and shakes his head. Like his sister, his features are defined, his hair dark and his eyes grey.
“She cared about nothing but marrying well, keeping the money in the family and providing an heir,” Cygnus says coolly, “I, on the other hand, aspired to greater things, and unlike my sister, I did not marry my cousin.”
“Isn’t your wife Druella your second cousin?”
Cygnus blanches, “Well, yes. But there is a difference between a first and second cousin, you know? A remarkably large one, in fact.”
“Right…”
Druella Black is different from the siblings. While they are dark, she is light. They have sallow skin, and she has pearly white skin. They have dark hair, and she has golden hair – not even blonde, but ethereally white. She radiates beauty, and I can presume this isn’t her country of birth from the hint of a French accent.
“How did you meet Cygnus?”
She smiles, flashing white teeth from behind red lipstick, “At a party, of course. I was a little younger than him, but I caught his eye, and he has never looked back.”
“She hoodwinked me, obviously.”
“That’s not how she described it.”
Cygnus raises an eyebrow, “She seduced me at a party and fell pregnant. Naturally, I had to marry her. How did she describe it?”
“True love.”
Cygnus rolls his eyes, “I don’t think I’ll ever understand the French.”
A younger woman with dark curly hair sits down and smirks up at me.
“I’m Bellatrix. I’m the oldest, so naturally the most important.”
She looks more like her father than her mother – the dark hair, the grey eyes. But the curls come from Druella. She exudes that same self-importance and confidence that Druella does too.
“Mother and Father do need at least one child they can rely on, after all,” Bellatrix continues, “Andromeda is a disgrace and Narcissa, bless her, is rather soft.”
“Soft?”
Bellatrix rolls her eyes, “Yes, soft. She believes that the most important thing in life is love, which is, of course, a lot of nonsense. And true love, she’s always prattling on about that, but us educated witches know that it doesn’t exist.”
“Does your husband share your opinion about love?”
Bellatrix laughs, “Rodolphus? Oh, Merlin, yes. Rodolphus and I have a rather love-hate relationship, to say the least….”
“Bellatrix? I can’t stand her.”
Rodolphus is a handsome man. His features are less refined than those of the Blacks. His hair is brown, his eyes are blue, but despite the lack of dignifying bone structure, he is pleasing on the eyes.
“Then why are you still married to her?”
Rodolphus laughs, “Families like ours don’t believe in divorce. When we marry, it’s like…. Russian roulette.”
“Russian roulette?”
“Yes,” Rodolphus nods, “The game, you know it?”
“Uh…yes, but….”
Rodolphus interrupts me, “You find a woman with who you have chemistry, someone attractive. But you are, of course, taking a chance, hoping you won’t end up married to a psychotic….well, you get the hint.”
“You think your wife is psychotic?”
Rodolphus leans back and raises an eyebrow at me, “One morning, when we were all holidaying together in France, Druella sent Narcissa and Bellatrix to wake myself and Lucius up.”
He shakes his head as he recalls, “Lucius asked for five more minutes, so Narcissa climbed in with him and cuddled him. Do you know what Bellatrix did when I asked for five more minutes?”
I shake my head.
Rodolpuhus leans forward, “She held a knife to my throat and said, perhaps you misheard me.”
“I mean, sure, I can be a little intense sometimes,” Bellatrix says when I tell her about Rodolphus’s description, “But psychotic? I do think that’s taking it a little too far.”
“Did you really hold a knife to his throat?”
Bellatrix shrugs, “Mother ordered me to wake him up as soon as possible. Orders are orders at the end of the day.”
“Right…”
A woman, slightly younger than Bellatrix, strides in and kicks the seat aside, opting to throw herself onto the sofa instead. She has dark hair, but more of a deep brown than black, but her grey eyes are strikingly like those that most of the Blacks seem to have.
The others wear smart clothing, but she wears jeans and a t-shirt, adorned with the name of a band I don’t recognise.
“I’m Andromeda, and I’m the original family disappointment.”
“The original?”
“Yes,” Andromeda rolls her eyes, “My cousin Sirius is trying to steal the title, but he didn’t run off to marry a muggle-born, so as it stands, I still wear the crown.”
“So…how would you describe where you are in your life right now?”
Andromeda shrugs, “Honestly, my vibe right now is just living life.”
“You mean, having fun and not worrying about consequences?”
“No,” Andromeda says with a shake of her head, “I mean staying alive to live my life. Avoiding my Uncle Orion with his sketchy job. I mean, nobody knows what he does, and most of the people in this family want to kill me.”
“Right. So, you don’t live here anymore then?”
“Officially, no,” Andromeda replies, “But unofficially? My sisters and cousins are idiots, and I’m the only person in this family who can fix their monumental fuck-ups.”
I bite back a laugh, “What’s the band?”
She glances down at her t-shirt and grins, “The Rolling Stones – Ted and I’s first date, also, coincidentally, the field where I’m pretty sure I got pregnant.”
“A field?”
Andromeda waves this remark off, “It was a music festival – a wonderful muggle concept. They have all sorts of substances that make you feel better than any potion does. It’s a wonder I remember getting pregnant, come to think of it.”
“You’re talking about drugs, right? You do know that those are illegal, and your father is the Minister for Magic?”
Andromeda snorts, “And? I’ve been disowned. I don’t know why they still let me hang around here, to be honest. It’s probably because my mother is a bit of a soft touch. It’s the French side of her.”
“Uh-huh. So you have a child?”
“A daughter,” Andromeda replies, “She’s called Nymphadora, but she will not be appearing in this documentary. I would like to shelter her from all of this Black family nonsense.”
“You think your family’s fame is nonsense?”
Andromeda raises an eyebrow, “I think they got there through illegal and unethical means, so yes, it’s complete and utter nonsense. I mean, my parents couldn’t even get naming us right, could they?”
“You don’t like your name?”
Andromeda crosses her arms, “What’s your name?”
“My name? Uh, it’s Emily.”
“Hm,” Andromeda muses, “I can see why you’re unfamiliar with the concept of despising your name, Emily. It’s nice, it’s normal, sweet, angelic. But Andromeda? Who looks at a galaxy through a telescope and thinks, you know what? I’ll name my child that?”
“Um…I do see your point, but if you hate your name so much…why did you name your daughter Nymphadora?”
Andromeda smirks and leans forward, “Do you think I became this rebellious by chance? Hating your name gives you a purpose. It gives you something to prove. If she wants to get anywhere in life, Nymphadora needs to learn to fight.”
“So you gave her a name you knew she would hate on purpose?”
Andromeda winks at me and leans back, “Exactly. You get it, Emily. You know what? You’re okay for a reporter.”
“Um, thanks? I think?”
“I’m Ted.”
The man with rusty blonde hair waves awkwardly at the cameraman by my side, “I’m Andromeda’s husband, which is the only reason I’m here, I think?”
“Uh, yeah, pretty much. What’s it like? Marrying into this family?”
Ted scoffs, “Honestly? It’s insane. Their entire lives are crazy. They are materialistic and vain. Some of them are so smart, but then they can just be so unbelievably stupid. I think Andromeda is adopted if I’m honest.”
“I wish I were adopted,” Andromeda says longingly, “I’ve checked, like four times, and unfortunately, I am 100% a Black. Not that it’s saying much, to be fair, with our family history.”
“You’re talking about the tendency to marry your cousins?”
“I’m talking about how we’re so inbred that Regulus has eight toes, yes,” Andromeda says with a nod.
“No, she’s not being dramatic. Regulus really does have eight toes,” A dark-haired man says eagerly, “Although, only one of them is because of the inbred thing. The other was an….unfortunate accident.”
“You’re supposed to introduce yourself.”
“Oh,” He says, shooting me a winning grin – his hair is jet black, his eyes are grey. He looks just like the rest of the Blacks, but his youthful spirit and high cheekbones make him very appealing to the eyes.
“I’m Sirius Black. I’m the family disappointment.”
“Andromeda said you would say that. She wanted me to remind you that she’s the original family disappointment.”
Sirius chuckles, “She did get disowned first, that much is true. But I plan on making my disownment far more dramatic. For now, she wears that crown, but I’ll get it before long, mark my words.”
“So you want to be disowned?”
Sirius snorts, “Of course I do. Have you seen the rest of this family?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he leans back and continues with his story, “So, about Regulus’s missing toe. Now, that’s a funny story. Cousin Cissy had a lot to do with it, actually….”
A beautiful blonde woman sits down. She smiles radiantly, and it’s abundantly clear she’s every inch her mother’s daughter – from the platinum hair down to the red lipstick and the lighter than air demeanour.
“I’m Narcissa,” She says softly, “The youngest of Cygnus and Druella’s children.”
“And you’re close with your cousin, Sirius?”
Narcissa frowns, “No. Why on earth would you ask that?”
“He told us a story about a prank that went wrong, and how Regulus-”
She interrupts me, bristling at the thought, “He blamed me for that? He was the one who cut off Regulus’s toe. I healed it and saved him from a beating!”
“He didn’t tell us that part.”
“Of course he didn’t,” Narcissa says, shaking her head in disbelief, “This is why Lucius can’t stand him.”
“Lucius is…?”
Narcissa smiles importantly, “My fiancé. He’s a Malfoy, the son of Abraxas and the heir to everything. Bella thought she married well when she tied herself into the Lestrange family, but the Malfoy family have far more prestige….”
“Prestige?” Bellatrix scoffs, “Lucius Malfoy is a ponce in a wig.”
“It’s a wig?”
“Please,” Bellatrix smirks, “You think that’s his real hair? He’s probably bald. Sure, the Malfoy’s have money and status, but who cares about all of that? I did not grow up to plan a wedding full of ice sculptures or move onto an estate where peacocks roam.”
“So, what did you hope to gain from marriage then?”
Bellatrix smiles, perhaps a little sadistically, “Power, of course. Rodolphus is a man of many hidden talents, and should he ever face Lucius Malfoy in a duel? Well, let's put it this way, my darling baby sister wouldn’t be able to find the pieces when Rodolphus was done with him.”
“You said you hated each other?”
“No,” Bellatrix holds up a finger, “I said we have a love, hate relationship.”
Rodolphus shrugs, “She only loves me when I’m doing horrible things. I bring her flowers? She burns them and curses me. But I torture a muggle? She’s got me up against the wall begging for-”
“Okay, I have to stop you there. Torturing Muggles? Is that really okay under Minister Black’s agenda?”
Rodolphus frowns, “This Muggle was breaking into my property. It was self-defence.”
“Torture is self-defence?”
“When breaking and entering is involved? Yeah.”
A tall, regal man with long, flowing platinum locks rolls his eyes.
“Rodolphus is many things, but smart? Not one of them.”
“So you think you’re smart then?”
He laughs falsely, “Do I think I’m smart? Darling, I’m Lucius Malfoy. Of course, I’m smart. I didn’t become one of the youngest members to sit on the Wizengamot because of my dashing good looks.”
“You and Rodolphus don’t get on then?”
“Rodolphus and I are tied together through our links to the sisters Black, and through that alone,” Lucius drawls, “If I never had to see his face again, that would certainly be a pleasant day.”
“And what of the Black cousins?”
Lucius laughs, “Well, Regulus holds some promise. But Sirius? No, that man is a lost cause.”
“Well, obviously Lucius would say that,” Sirius says, waving his hands as he speaks, “He hates me. Mainly because I made out with Narcissa in a broom closet once, and he caught us.”
“You made out with her? Your first cousin?”
“Emily, babe, my parents are first cousins,” Sirius shrugs, “Doesn’t really mean shit to me. I mean, I wouldn’t marry her, and I definitely wouldn’t have a kid with her. Ugh, can you imagine? The kid could have 12 fingers and webbed feet, but a bit of fun in a broom cupboard? Can’t go wrong, can you?”
“Some people would beg to differ.”
Sirius smiles, “Well, I’m secure enough in my own masculinity that I don’t care much what other people think. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve realised that I’m probably just perfect and it’s everybody else in my family that’s got issues.”
“Does that mean you and your younger brother don’t get on, then?”
Sirius snorts, “That’s one way of putting it. My baby brother, man, does he care about how people view him?”
A younger man with shorter hair that is the same shade of black as Sirius’s rolls his identical grey eyes.
“I don’t care about how other people view me. I just care about Sirius constantly sticking his nose into my life and trying to change my opinions.”
“You and your brother don’t get on then?”
“No,” Regulus sighs, “We do not. He thinks I have no real friends, which is completely untrue….”
“It’s the honest truth,” Sirius says, “He has no friends. His only friend is our ancient old house-elf Kreacher. It’s weird, actually. Like it could be bestiality?”
“You think he’s sexually involved with a house-elf?”
Sirius shrugs, “He does do everything with Kreacher.”
“Regulus is overly fond of that elf,” Bellatrix agrees, “One time, he came into the drawing-room holding his hand, and he asks if it was acceptable to take a house-elf to the theatre.”
“What age was he when this happened?”
“Kreacher? Like 80 years old or something.”
“Not the elf – Regulus.”
“Oh, 16, this was just like last week,” Bellatrix answers, “Anyway, I was like no Regulus, that is not socially acceptable, you freak.”
“What did he say?”
“That he knew that, but Kreacher needed to hear it from someone else, or he would be crushed,” Bellatrix answers, raising an eyebrow, “Like I was stupid enough to fall for that.”
“I’m not overly fond of Kreacher!” Regulus exclaims, “I just find he can hold an intelligent conversation better than most of the idiots in this family.”
He kicks the ground and huffs, “Anyway, that’s not why Sirius and I don’t get on. It’s because our political views are very different. Sirius is a liberal. He believes we can change the world through the power of song and through marches for peace. It’s disgusting.”
“What he means by that is that I’m not a psychopathic Nazi,” Sirius says nonchalantly.
“He called me a Nazi?” Regulus asks in disbelief.
“Aren’t you?”
“No, I’m a blood puritan!” Regulus exclaims, “I believe that those with pure blood are superior to those who have muggle blood in their veins. Therefore, those superior beings ought to be granted positions of power.”
“That’s…that’s exactly what the Nazi’s believed.”
Regulus stands his ground, “My views are traditional, and Sirius, with his liberal friends in Gryffindor, simply cannot see that. It is why I am Mother’s favourite son.”
Walburga smiles proudly, “Yes, Regulus is my favourite son. Truth be told, I sometimes will myself to forget that I have two sons. Sirius is such a disappointment.”
“Because of his liberal views?”
Walburga scoffs, “Liberal? Darling that is not a strong enough word to cover the way Sirius feels or behaves. Do you know he wants werewolves to have equal rights? Can you believe it? A werewolf, working at the ministry? It’s absurd.”
“Werewolves are human beings-”
“Werewolves are filthy half-breeds who deserve to be beheaded the moment they are bitten!”
“They are bitten as children, though-”
“Exactly,” Walburga interjects, “It would make the process easier and decrease the surplus population.”
Sirius picks his nails and doesn’t even look up at me.
“You see why I hate her guts now?”
“Why do you still live under her roof then?”
“Technically, I could move out,” Sirius shrugs, “I’m 17 now. I don’t have the trace on me anymore. But I kind of like the chaos, and she hates me being here. There’s nothing I love more than her disdain.”
“So your presence makes her angry, and you enjoy that?”
Sirius grins at me but doesn’t answer the question verbally.
.
It’s evening – most of the Black family are gathered in the drawing-room of Grimmauld Place, the traditional London residence (Andromeda is not here, on account of her being disowned). Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Lucius are not present. They left a few hours ago for an important meeting. From the looks exchanged between the rest of the family, they know what this ‘meeting’ is about, but they have not divulged that information.
Orion Black is also missing – he is Walburga’s husband (and first cousin). The large family live under this roof, but Orion spends long spells away from home in his role with the Ministry. He works for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, but whatever he does is top secret because nobody will divulge what the exact nature of his job is.
Walburga is draped across a chaise lounge, a glass of wine in her hand as she rants about the state the family has found itself in these recent years.
“My son is such a disappointment!” Walburga wails.
Regulus doesn’t even look up from his book, and Sirius rolls his eyes from the other side of the room.
“He is a traitor to his own blood, to his own family!” Walburga sobs, “I did nothing but love him! How could he do this to me?”
Sirius looks at her in disbelief but says nothing.
“Does he not care about my nerves?” Walburga despairs, pausing to sip some wine and look at Druella across the room.
Druella sips her wine and nods sympathetically.
Cygnus shoots his sister a sceptical look and murmurs, “You’re drunk again, Walburga. Oh, what a surprise.”
Narcissa attempts to hide an amused smirk behind the book in her hand.
“He is going to drive me into an early grave!” Walburga cries as another sob escapes her lips.
Sirius sighs and looks into the camera, an expression of pure disbelief on his face, “All I did was say that Muggles aren’t that bad.”
“Ah!” Walburga cries, clutching her chest, “My heart!”
“Oh, for the love of Salazar,” Cygnus mutters, shutting his book and striding out of the room.
Regulus smirks at Sirius, who rolls his eyes.
Narcissa surveys the situation, “More wine, Aunt Walburga?”
“Oh, Narcissa, darling Narcissa. You are the only one who still loves me.”
Sirius shakes his head and looks into the camera again, “Somebody has to.”
.
It’s an average dinner in the Black household – and it seems to revolve around an argument between Sirius and Walburga.
“How dare you sneak back in here after midnight?” Walburga is screaming, her hand clutching onto a glass of wine.
“How dare you presume you can control me now that I’m 17?” Sirius yells back.
“You still live under my roof!” Walburga shrieks, “And while you do, I will not have you sneaking home smelling of that boy's cologne! I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what you were doing with him all night!”
“I feel sick to my stomach every time I look at your putrid face!”
“I am going to lose my mind, thanks to you!” Walburga wails, “You are going to make me psychotic!”
“You already are psychotic!”
“You will tell me right now where you were all night, Sirius Black!”
Sirius slams his glass down on the table, “I was riding on my motorbike all night, with James. We were drinking muggle booze, dancing to muggle music and getting contaminated by all the filth you hate so much.”
Andromeda leans back in her chair and looks at Ted, “Do you think he’s talking shit to get a rise out of her?”
Ted shakes his head, “Nope, I’m pretty sure he got high and drunk then fucked James.”
Andromeda sighs, “Damnit, Ted, he’s going to take my crown.”
Ted raises an eyebrow, “Sorry, did you want me to get you pregnant again or-”
Andromeda responds by bringing her fork down onto his hand, and Ted winces as he extracts it and murmurs a healing charm.
“Sorry, love.”
Sirius is still yelling at his mother, “How did you even know that I was out anyway? I spelled the entire room so you wouldn’t catch me!”
Walburga smirks proudly, “Regulus told me, of course. He’s a good boy.”
Sirius turns to Regulus and redirects his anger, “You? This is all your fault! You just had to go running to mummy and tell on me, didn’t you? God, you’re a spineless little worm!”
“Do not speak to my son like that!” Walburga screams.
“I’m your son too!” Sirius screams back.
Walburga throws her wine glass at Sirius, and Regulus turns to the camera. He rolls his eyes and mutters, “He bribed me to tell on him. Fighting with our mother is Sirius’s favourite past-time.”
Lucius rolls his eyes on the other side of the table and mutters, “I do not understand this family.”
“Neither do I,” Narcissa says dryly.
.
The family are gathered in the drawing-room once more. Walburga is, once again, draped across the chaise lounge with a glass of wine in her hand, ranting about the sorry state of her family.
“And to top off a truly awful year, now Bella has joined a cult, and we’re all terribly worried.”
Bellatrix rolls her eyes, “It is not a cult, Aunt Walburga, merely a political party.”
“Do all political parties believe in torturing and killing muggles or just the one fronted by some psycho who calls himself a dark lord?” Sirius asks sarcastically.
Bellatrix glares at him and crosses her arms, “Oh, I’m sorry, Sirius. Since when did the family disappointment get a say in things?”
Sirius rolls his eyes, “I’m still a member of this family.”
“Barely,” Druella drawls.
Cygnus looks at him, “Can you name any of your ancestors, either one of you?”
Andromeda looks up, “Me?”
“Yes, you,” Cygnus says, glaring at his daughter, “You are both the family disappointments. Do you know anything?”
Bellatrix crosses her arms and smirks, “What is the Black family motto?”
“Uh…” Sirius flounders.
“It’s French?” Andromeda tries.
“You are a disgrace, both of you!” Walburga screams.
Sirius and Andromeda share the sort of grin that tells me they did that on purpose.
Then, to stir the pot some more, Sirius leans forward and says, “So this cult-”
“It’s not a cult!” Bellatrix exclaims, “It’s politics. No, more than that, it’s like soul searching.”
Sirius draws her a sceptical look, “Well, if you find your soul, do let me know.”
Bellatrix glowers at him, and Rodolphus wades in to stick up for her, “The cult - I mean, the group, it’s all about bringing power back to the purebloods.”
“As it should be!” Walburga exclaims proudly.
Druella sighs, “Walburga, only five minutes ago, you were despairing about how terribly worried you were.”
“I disagree with the method, but not the ultimate proposal,” Walburga says politically.
Lucius leans back, “Power to the purebloods, a very noble message.”
“It’s not noble, it’s oppressive,” Sirius snaps, “And you three all waffling on about it is just proof that your secret meetings are with this dark lord bloke.”
“He’s a very reasonable man,” Bellatrix says, raising her head importantly.
“Oh my god, you’re fucking him,” Sirius says.
“Sirius!” Several people in the room exclaim.
Walburga starts to wail, Bellatrix starts to curse Sirius. The cameraman and I duck for cover as the drawing-room turns into a battle scene.
Afterwards, I interview some of the family about it…
“How do you feel about Bellatrix joining a cult?”
Sirius shrugs, “I’m not worried, not at all.”
He leans back in his chair as he ponders the situation, “It would be dreadful if Bellatrix died, I suppose, but we do have two more where she came from, so it’s mostly fine? It’s almost ideal, actually. Narcissa is being the perfect pureblood daughter anyway, so Bella is, well, she’s expendable, really….”
“I’m not saying it’s a cult,” Narcissa says diplomatically, “But the politics of it all…well, it’s a little extreme, and I’m not surprised that Bella enjoys that. She always has been a little unpredictable.”
“Unpredictable?”
Narcissa nods, “When we were children, we used to play imaginative games. I pretended to be a Healer, and Andromeda pretended to be an Auror. But Bella? Well, she was always….different.”
“Different how?”
“She ran around with one of Father’s knives,” Narcissa admits, “And she used to dissect dead animals from the garden with it. She took it to bed with her, and…well, she called it a ‘people opener’.”
Bellatrix shrugs, “Should I not have?”
“Well, it’s not what most people would class as the primary function of a knife.”
“Surely the primary function of anything sharp is to kill?” Bellatrix argues, “Look at history for further reference.”
“What age were you when this happened?”
Bellatrix thinks for a moment, “Six, maybe? Or it could have been seven. I can’t quite recall.”
“Oh, yeah, she’s always been unstable,” Andromeda nods, “I thought maybe she’d been dropped on her head as a child, but the brain damage is way too serious for it just to be that. I mean, it does explain Sirius, though….”
“Bellatrix did ask me if I’d been dropped on my head as a child,” Sirius muses, “And I’m pretty sure my response was along the lines of – bold of you to assume I was held.”
“Your mother never held you?”
Sirius shrugs, “If she did, I probably blocked it out.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s a traumatic memory,” Sirius says as if this is obvious, “Her claw-like hands are not made for cradling babies. They are made for ripping the heart of a child out of its chest.”
Walburga rolls her eyes, “He is so dramatic. Of course I held him as a child. Yes, I admit, there was a degree of the ‘tough love approach’, but with Sirius, it was necessary.”
“Tough love?” Sirius exclaims, “She tortured me with the cruciatus curse!”
“He was destroying my orchid garden. I don’t know what he expected!” Walburga cries.
“I always did wonder if Bellatrix got the insanity from Aunt Walburga,” Andromeda muses as she blows out a bubble of gum and pops it with her tongue.
“You think your sister is insane?”
Andromeda shrugs, “She did try and kill me when we were children.”
“What age were you?”
“I was around five, so Bellatrix must have been about seven,” Andromeda says as she twists her hair around her finger, “I stole her favourite teddy, and she held my head under the toilet for like five minutes.”
Narcissa frowns, “I think Andromeda just remembers it as more extreme than it was. Bellatrix wasn’t trying to kill her.”
“Oh, yes,” Bellatrix nods, “I was trying to kill her. She stole my favourite toy. I had to teach her a lesson.”
“She was five years old?”
“Exactly! She should have known better!”
“Do you feel comfortable marrying into this family?”
“Comfortable?” Lucius scoffs, “Of course not. You have been here for long enough to realise that all of them – bar Narcissa of course – are completely insane. The moment I wed Narcissa, I will take her far away from all of this.”
“Lucius thinks taking you away from all of this will be doing you a service.”
Narcissa laughs under her breath, “And do you think him wrong? You have seen how dysfunctional this family is, haven’t you?”
“Well, yes.”
“Frankly, it’s a miracle Lucius still wants to marry me,” Narcissa says dryly.
“You feel the baggage might have put him off?”
Narcissa laughs again, “Of course I worried about that. There is a lot of baggage that comes with this family. But it’s like designer baggage – you always want it.”
“I categorically do not want any of that baggage,” Lucius states firmly, “I do, however, want Narcissa. She is beautiful, wise, with a very dark sense of humour. I like that in a woman. She will make a perfect bride.”
“So you want her to be perfect?”
“Of course I do,” Lucius says importantly, “By marrying me, she will be doing her duty. When she provides me with a strapping young heir, as I know she will, I will know that I made the right choice when I choose her as my bride.”
“Don’t you think that’s a very Victorian way to think of women?”
Lucius laughs, “Of course not. Narcissa would be honoured that I think of her in such a way.”
Narcissa laughs awkwardly, “Well, I don’t know if honoured is the right word. Certainly not the one I would use. I mean, yes, he will make a fine husband, but my life’s duty is not solely to provide him with an heir.”
“Would you say he’s arrogant?”
Narcissa bites her lip, “No?”
“No?”
“Self-important, perhaps,” Narcissa says, chewing on her lip, “Egotistical, vain. Not to mention stubborn and cocky.”
“But you do love him? You want to marry him?”
She pastes on a smile and laughs falsely, “What? Of course I do! Yes, of course, I want to marry him.”
“Narcissa doesn’t want to marry him,” Sirius says as he lights up a cigarette.
“Should you be doing that in here?”
“Probably not,” Sirius says, looking around the tapestry room, “But I don’t give a fuck about what my mother thinks. Anyway, Narcissa doesn’t want to marry him. He’s gay.”
“Gay?”
“Completely,” Sirius says, blowing out a ring of smoke, “She’s either in denial, or she’s covering it up for him, but I’m sorry, no man pays that much attention to his hair if he’s straight. It’s just a fact.”
“And you would know this because…?”
Sirius shrugs, “Because I know these things, not because I’m gay. I’m not. I’m completely straight. I’m a chick magnet.”
“So this boy you got in the fight with your mother about then – James?”
Sirius laughs, “Oh James, yeah. Well, James is my best friend. He’s pretty much the coolest person I know. Speaking of James, actually, he just got a new car, and that’s taking up a lot of my time, so I don’t really care about what all of my stupid cousins are doing….”
“Do you have an opinion on your brother's relationship with James?”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Sirius is like in love with James or something, and he doesn’t even pretend otherwise. It’s as if he wants to be disowned.”
“Would that upset you?”
Regulus laughs awkwardly, “Um? I don’t think I understand the question?”
“Would it bother you if Sirius was disowned?”
Regulus makes a show of fixing his hair, “He’s my brother so, you know, obviously I would be upset for like, maybe a day or two? But I would bounce back. I’m a Black. It’s sort of what we do.”
.
Tensions appear fraught within the family once more. This time the cause of the argument isn’t Sirius or his ‘friend’ James. Instead, it appears to revolve around Narcissa and her impending nuptials to Lucius.
“What do you mean you’re kicking me out?”
Druella sighs and leans against the bannister. It looks entirely posed, right down to the smile she shoots my cameraman.
“Narcissa, my love, all I am saying is that it is time for you to branch out on your own,” Druella says with a false smile, “You are getting married in a few days. When I was your age, I moved out. I lived on my own-”
Narcissa shakes her head, “You married a man 15 years older than you who gave you everything you wanted and made sure you never had to want for anything ever again!”
Druella looks positively affronted, “Narcissa! That was your father! Have some respect!”
Narcissa turns around and mutters under her breath, “For the love of Salazar!”
Walburga, who has been standing on the sidelines, decides to wade into the argument with her opinion, “Your mother is right, Narcissa. You will be a married woman soon. It is time to make your own way in the world.”
“What, like you did when you married your cousin at 17 years old?” Sirius mutters from where he’s polishing his broomstick.
“I did what was expected of me!” Walburga exclaims.
“As a proper pureblood should do,” Bellatrix agrees, giving her aunt a nod.
Sirius scoffs, “A proper pureblood? God, I don’t even know why I’m in this family.”
“Because I gave birth to you!” Walburga snaps.
“That remains to be proven,” Bellatrix mutters under her breath, which sparks, yet another duel.
.
Andromeda has come over to discuss the wedding with Narcissa.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Andromeda asks as they sit in the tapestry room together.
Narcissa nods and smiles, “Of course, I’m fine. Perfectly fine.”
Andromeda raises an eyebrow, “Really? Because you don’t look perfectly fine.”
Narcissa waves her hand absentmindedly, “I’m fine. I just cry myself to sleep every night.”
“Crying is for the weak,” Bellatrix says as she swans into the room, twirling her wand between her fingers absentmindedly, “Drink vodka until you don’t feel it anymore.”
“Right, because that’s a far healthier way of dealing with your emotions,” Andromeda mutters sarcastically, “Here’s a wild idea for you – you could just marry someone you actually love.”
“I do love him,” Narcissa says, “I mean, I also hate him a little. And I do curse him sometimes.”
Andromeda looks at her oddly, “You mean verbally?”
“No, physically,” Narcissa replies matter of factly.
Bellatrix nods sympathetically, “We have all been there, Cissa. It’s perfectly normal.”
Andromeda looks between them in disbelief, “Uh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s really not normal to hate the people you are with that much….”
Afterwards, the sisters share their opinion with me…
“I mean, she can’t admit that it’s a mistake,” Andromeda says as she fills a glass with firewhiskey.
“Marrying Lucius?”
“Well, obviously,” Andromeda says with a roll of her eyes, “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s only human. We’ve all been there, you know? I remember when I found out I was pregnant.”
“Was Narcissa there for you, then?”
“No,” Andromeda admits, “But Sirius was….”
“She told me the test said she might be pregnant,” Sirius recalls. He snorts and says, “And I was like, since when did tests have a ‘might’ symbol?”
“How did she take that?”
“She cursed me,” Sirius says with a grin, “Which I deserved, so I was just like, yeah, fair. Then she cried, but it all turned out okay in the end because she got disowned like she always wanted.”
Andromeda shrugs, “I mean, I didn’t get pregnant to get disowned, but it was a happy consequence, I suppose. But the point is – Narcissa is making a mistake, just like we all do. Does she really think she’s so perfect that she’s exempt from that?”
Narcissa laughs, “Well, obviously. I am the only functional human being in this family.”
“So you think you’re perfect?”
Narcissa smiles slyly, “I know that I don’t make mistakes. Every move I make is calculated.”
Bellatrix snorts, “That’s what she thinks? So why the fuck did Regulus find her crying on the floor when Sevvy Snape said he liked the muggle-born skank more than her then, hm?”
“That’s not how it happened!” Narcissa exclaims.
“That’s exactly how it happened,” Regulus shrugs, “She was crying, so I tried to be supportive, you know? I put my arm around her and asked who had done this to her. When she said it was Snape, I was furious.”
“Did you do anything about it?”
“Of course not. Severus Snape is terrifying. He could kill me in my sleep, without even trying,” Regulus replies, his eyes wide at the very thought.
“Severus Snape is a fucking pussycat,” Sirius snorts, “Reg is just a coward. Typical Slytherin, really. If I’d found Narcissa crying over Snape, I’d have cursed him to the bottom of the black lake.”
“So you’re pretty loyal then?”
Sirius shrugs, “I’ll defend my family, yeah. Only the ones I give two stuffs about, mind. This one time, I found Andromeda crying because some asshole Flint guy had broken up with her….”
“I wasn’t crying, and I broke up with the Flint boy, not the other way around,” Andromeda deadpans.
“I pulled my wand out and said, who the fuck do I have to destroy then?” Sirius says, grinning at me, “Cause she’s my favourite cousin.”
“That is not even remotely close to what happened,” Andromeda says. She rolls her eyes, “But then again, Sirius always has to paint himself as the hero. It’s almost like he’s overcompensating for something….”
.
It’s the morning of Narcissa and Lucius’s wedding, and some of the Blacks still have some reservations.
Bellatrix is lounging with Regulus, speculating on the nature of the marriage.
“I’m worried about Narcissa, a little bit because I look in the papers, and there are all these pictures of her and Lucius, like all of the time,” Bellatrix says dramatically, “She doesn’t listen to me when I’m like, you know, you should really take it slow.”
Regulus looks up at her and raises an eyebrow, “Didn’t you marry Rodolphus after two weeks?”
Bellatrix rolls her eyes, “That was different. We had known each other since we were children. Narcissa and Lucius have only been together for six months.”
“Still a hell of a lot longer than two weeks,” Regulus says in a sing-song voice.
Bellatrix throws a lazy beheading curse across the room, and Regulus ducks to avoid it.
“It’s almost like your heart wasn’t in that,” He remarks calmly.
“Oh, behave, Regulus,” Bellatrix smirks, “I’m hardly going to kill you on my sister's wedding day. Tomorrow, perhaps.”
“I’ll look forward to it!” Regulus call after her, his voice dripping with sarcasm, of course.
.
There’s some speculation about whether Sirius will show up or for the wedding, but he does with a dark-haired man with brown eyes and glasses by his side.
“You brought Potter?” Bellatrix hisses in disbelief.
I’m pretty sure I can hear Andromeda cackling from the other side of the room.
Sirius grins and says, “Dearest Cissa gave me a plus one. Who else was I gonna bring?”
James winks at Bellatrix as they walk by, and Bellatrix bristles silently, her hand clutching her wand.
“Sirius!” Walburga cries in relief, “You are finally here! And you brought this blood traitor with you, how delightful.”
“Lovely to meet you too, Mrs Black,” James says calmly.
Sirius grins.
Walburga casts a disdainful look over them both, “Did you bring a gift?”
Sirius bows lowly, “I’m gracing you all with my presence!”
Walburga is not in the mood for this. She simply swats Sirius over the head and directs him to a seat. He sits down and shoots a grin in the direction of my cameraman. Then he winks for good measure.
.
After the ceremony, the Blacks assemble again.
Bellatrix nods at Narcissa, “Your dress is stunning, Narcissa.”
Narcissa smirks, “Chinese lace.”
“I wore ivory gloves on my wedding day,” Bellatrix says smugly, “Made from Italian leather.”
“Chinese lace is more refined, Bella,” Narcissa says smoothly.
Bellatrix responds by flicking her wrist at Narcissa’s dress, causing the hem to catch alight.
Andromeda rolls her eyes and puts it out with an exasperated sigh.
“You’re a sore loser, Bellatrix,” Narcissa says irritably.
Bellatrix scoffs and walks away, later she says to me….
“I’m not a sore loser. I just prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.”
“She once tried to amputate my hand because I beat her at chess,” Rodolphus muses as he drinks whiskey.
“I’m pretty sure Bella and Rodolphus get off on the conflict,” Lucius says, sweeping his long blonde locks out of his face.
“You think they have a sadistic relationship?”
Lucius laughs, “Oh, I know they have a sadistic relationship. Then again, Bella does not have a conventional relationship with anyone. Earlier today, Narcissa commented on how ladylike Bellatrix was looking…
“I said she looked like such a lady today,” Narcissa agrees with a nod.
“What did she say?”
“That she wasn’t trying to look like a lady, she was trying to look like a whore,” Narcissa answers distastefully.
Bellatrix smirks, “Since when did ladies get anything done?”
“But whores do?”
Bellatrix shrugs, “Something like that.”
A tall, handsome man with deep blue eyes surveys me from across the table.
“You’re the lord who runs the cult Bellatrix joined?”
He nods thoughtfully, “I am a lord of darkness, and Bellatrix is drawn to such things.”
“You mean she’s drawn to darkness?”
“She certainly seems to find it alluring,” The man says melodically.
“She said that whores get places and ladies don’t. What’s your opinion on that?”
He glances over at Bellatrix and smirks, “Dressed like that, she will be my right-hand lady before long.”
“You mean you’re going to have an affair with her?”
He laughs, and it’s an eery sound, “Something like that,” he says, a twisted smile forming on his face.
“Oh, the lord?” Bellatrix asks, looking over at him and grinning in a rather malicious way, “He lets me call him Tom sometimes.”
“Is that a nickname?”
“No, stupid, it’s his name,” Bellatrix scoffs, “But only the people he really likes get to call him that.”
“And does your husband know about your affair?”
Bellatrix waves a hand, “Rodolphus doesn’t know anything.”
“I mean, yeah, obviously I know she’s fucking him,” Rodolphus says with a shrug.
“But you don’t care?”
Rodolphus snorts, “Why would I care? I’ve been sleeping with her sister for like two years.”
“Rodolphus said what?” Narcissa asks shrilly.
“That he’s been sleeping with you for two years.”
“Well, he obviously means Andromeda!” Narcissa barks, “I am completely besotted with Lucius.”
Lucius shrugs, “Is she faithful? Is she not? I don’t know.”
“And is that something that matters to you?”
Lucius draws his eyes to me, “She is my wife now, and she knows what that vow means. Should she stray, she will suffer the consequences.”
“That sounds very ominous.”
Lucius smirks, “Shall we just say I will be giving her a very special wedding gift.”
“Oh, the special wedding gift,” Walburga nods, “Yes, of course.”
“You know what it is?”
“Of course I do,” Walburga replies, “He has linked their magic so that he can read her mind at all times.”
“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?”
“Of course not; it’s romantic!”
Sirius snorts from somewhere behind us.
Walburga ignores him and sighs longingly, “I only wish someone had gotten me such a sentimental gift….”
Orion makes a rare appearance as he walks by with a whiskey in each hand, one for him and one for him for later.
“What are you talking about woman? I gave you two sons!”
Walburga rolls her eyes and looks into the camera in disbelief, and Sirius barks out a reluctant laugh, which earns him another slap around the head from his mother.
“Do you enjoy spending time with the Black family?”
James snorts, “No, are you for real? Why the fuck would I? They are insane.”
“They can be a little unbalanced.”
“That’s the polite way of putting it,” James says with a shake of his head, “You know, I remember the first time I met Sirius’s mother. We were like…11 years old, probably. It was on the platform, at Kings Cross.”
“What did she say to you?”
“Nothing,” James says, “But what Sirius said was enough. I saw this evil-looking woman and said to Sirius, is that your mother?”
Sirius laughs, “I remember that yeah. I was all like, does her gaze draw the last vestige of happiness from your soul like a dementor?”
“And I was like, what the hell man, no,” James says.
“Does her mouth pull ever so slightly into a grimace as though she has smelled the foulest stench to plague mankind but will not dare to admit defeat?” Sirius continues dramatically.
James shrugs and says, “I was just like, well, she’s glaring at you? And Sirius said….”
“And I said, Yeah, that’s probably her,” Sirius nods.
“So, yeah,” James says, “This family? It’s fucking insane.”
Sirius shrugs, “He has a point.”
.
As the night is drawing in, more drama unfolds in the garden outside Grimmauld Place – where the wedding reception is being held under a grand marquee.
It’s centring around Sirius again, which seems to be a theme.
He’s just been dancing with James to stir up trouble, I suspect, from the looks on everyone’s faces anyway. As their slow dance comes to an end, James looks at Sirius and says something unexpected.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Sirius frowns at him, “You mean…as friends?”
“No, I mean for real,” James says, and shocked gasps echo around the garden.
“Cause you’re like the coolest person I’ve ever met,” James says, as all of his feelings spill out in a drunken confession, “And you don’t even have to try, you know? You’re just…amazing.”
Sirius decides the best way to deal with this confession is to kiss James, and Walburga wails so loudly, I have to cover my ears, and we need to take a ten-minute break to fix the camera after the glass shatters.
In the ten minutes that we were out of action, chaos has well and truly ensued. Narcissa is screaming at a house-elf because Sirius has ruined her wedding day, and Lucius is kicking that house elf to make her feel better.
Walburga has thrown herself across the head table. She is sobbing uncontrollably while Druella tries to ply her with red wine to cheer her up.
Orion is nowhere to be seen, and Cygnus is playing poker in the kitchen while wishing he was in a different hemisphere. Andromeda and Ted are just at home in the chaos, shaking their heads and despairing at the fact they still hang around this family when they really don’t need to anymore.
Bellatrix seems to be enjoying the suffering. She’s cackling and cursing gnomes as they pass through the garden. Tom is watching her in exasperation as he plays cards with Rodolphus, who frankly seems to wish he was anywhere but here.
Regulus is nowhere to be seen, having disappeared with his house-elf a few hours earlier.
“He really is way too friendly with that house-elf,” Sirius says when we finally get the cameras rolling again.
“I don’t fuck my house-elf!”
“You’re just really close friends with him then?”
Regulus is drunk and a little emotional, “I don’t have any other friends, okay? I’m weird, and nobody likes me, and it’s probably because I spent my entire life pining after Andromeda, which is wrong because she’s my cousin, and I know that makes me a weirdo!”
“Okay, you can stop talking now-”
“No!” Regulus wails dramatically, “I just want some friends, okay? So I joined Bellatrix’s weird cult, and now I’m going to have to torture Muggles for a living.”
“It’s not my cult, it’s Toms,” Bellatrix swoons, “And I don’t know what Reggie is complaining about. It’s not like torturing Muggles is hard….”
“I’m honestly just so done with this family,” Sirius says as he shakes his head at me, “But, James told me he loved me tonight, so that was pretty much the highlight of…well, my entire life.”
“So you do love him?”
“Obviously I love him. Did you get what he said? Did you catch that on film?”
“We did. He said you were the coolest person he knew and that you didn’t even have to try that hard.”
Sirius sighs contently, “I try really hard, actually, but I wasn’t going to tell James that….”
“I mean, I know he actually tries way too hard to be cool, but I figured his ego needed a boost,” James says with a shrug.
“But anyway, he loves me, so my life is complete,” Sirius continues happily, “And I totally stole Andromeda’s crown.”
“I mean, to snog his boyfriend at my sister's wedding!” Andromeda exclaims, “I didn’t think anyone could top me getting pregnant at 19, in a field, but he just did!”
Sirius grins, “Andromeda is furious, isn’t she?”
“She’s not that happy, no.”
He claps his hands together, “Brilliant.”
“I don’t know what he was expecting to happen,” Andromeda huffs, “But if he wants to be disowned so badly, I’m pretty sure he got his wish.”
Walburga is furious when she sits down.
“He’s disowned, obviously.”
“Just like that?”
“No, not just like that,” Walburga snaps, “I will ceremoniously burn his name off the family tree then banish him from this house forevermore.”
“Like Druella did to Andromeda?”
“Exactly like that!”
“Even though Andromeda is still hanging around here, four years later?”
Walburga glares at me and throws her wine glass down, a theme I’ve noticed.
“That’s enough! Turn this silly camera off right now!”
- The End -
Chapter 2: Keeping Up With the Malfoy's
Notes:
So, this was fun!
Chapter Text
So my dreamcast here is;
Narcissa Malfoy: Helen McCrory (But Peaky Blinders era, only blonder)
Lucius Malfoy: Jason Isaacs (Exactly as he is in the movies because he’s just beyond perfect)
Draco Malfoy: Tom Felton
Astoria Greengrass: Adelaide Kane (As she looks and sounds in Reign, but without the period dress)
Harry Potter: Daniel Radcliffe
Andromeda Tonks: Kiera Knightley (Aged up a little to match the others, obviously)
Ted Tonks: James McAvoy
Sirius Black: Gary Oldman (but cleaned up a little, without the curly hair and 70’s moustache, y’know)
Nymphadora Tonks: Natalie Tena
Remus Lupin: David Thewlis.
Over twenty years on from the ground-breaking exclusive look into life as part of the Black family, we return to share the home of the most influential family in wizarding Britain – the Malfoy’s.
With the demise of the Black family came the rise of the Malfoy’s, and while there are fewer dramatics at play, they do share the same sense of style as the Black family did.
Letting us into their home to uncover their secrets and share in their joys….
This is Keeping Up With the Malfoy’s…
“I am Lucius Malfoy.”
Lucius’s long platinum hair is pulled into a ponytail. He looks very self-important as he smirks into the camera.
“I am the head of the family, and our recent successes are carried on my shoulders.”
Narcissa’s hair is a little darker, flecked with grey, but she looks as regal as her mother Druella did.
She raises an eyebrow.
“Well, I fought for our family to be pardoned after the war. When that pardon was granted, Lucius decided to rebuild the family, in his name, of course.”
Lucius scoffs, “Narcissa thinks it’s her success? I’m sorry, but what universe is she living in?”
Narcissa laughs in disbelief, “The universe where he was tried for war crimes, perhaps?”
With short, platinum blonde hair, a younger man sits down and absentmindedly brushes some dirt from his robes.
“I am Draco Malfoy, Lucius and Narcissa’s son.”
His eyes are the same shade of grey as his mothers – a trait that comes from his Black ancestry. He clasps his hands together and says, “And my life is more difficult than anyone else on this planet. And yes, I’m including starving children, so don’t ask.”
“What makes your life so difficult?”
Draco laughs without any real humour, “I was indoctrinated into a cult and commanded to kill someone at 16. It all went downhill from there, really.”
“And who do you think ought to be credited for the family’s success in recent years, then?”
Draco ponders this for a moment, “My mother certainly played a vital role in it, but ultimately, it was me who turned things around for us when I became an Auror.”
A pretty young woman with dark brown hair and deep blue eyes laughs out loud. She looks at the camera in disbelief.
“Really? That’s what he thinks?”
“That’s what he said. Would you mind introducing yourself?”
The woman is still chuckling as she says, “I’m Astoria Malfoy, formerly Greengrass. I’m Draco’s trophy wife, and by Merlin, is that man bigheaded! The family’s rise to fame had nothing to do with him and everything to do with his Auror partner.”
Draco frowns, “What? No. Harry Potter had absolutely nothing to do with it!”
A handsome man with green eyes, glasses that sit slightly askew and jet black hair snorts under his breath.
“I mean, I did submit evidence and testify at the trial to pardon them,” He nods.
“Well, mostly Draco. It’s not that I didn’t give a shit about Lucius, but,” he looks into the camera, “It wouldn’t have been the worst thing if he had gone to Azkaban.”
“Introduce yourself, please.”
“Right,” He says, sweeping his messy hair out of his eyes, “I’m Harry Potter. I’m Draco’s Auror partner, which is why I’m here, right?”
“Well, that and because you’re his best friend.”
“Best friend?” Draco scoffs. He laughs, “I don’t know where you get your information from, but you are sorely mistaken.”
Astoria rolls her eyes, “That is a topic for another day.”
“How do you feel, having married into this family?”
“Exasperated, mostly.”
A beautiful blonde woman with the same deep blue eyes as Astoria flips her hair out of the way and sits down.
“I’m Daphne Greengrass, Astoria’s sister.”
“Do you live in the manor too?”
“I do,” Daphne chirps, “When my father kicked me out for crimes against wizardkind, Astoria said I could stay here.”
“What did you do to get kicked out?”
Daphne grins, “Oh, wouldn’t you like to know.”
“She fornicated with a Muggle,” Lucius says distastefully, “A Muggle, and Astoria says she can stay here? Well, if it weren’t for the fact she was my daughter-in-law, I would kick her out.”
“So you and Astoria don’t see eye to eye?”
“We have very different opinions,” Lucius says diplomatically.
“I hate him,” Astoria remarks, “Draco doesn’t even like him that much, and he’s his father.”
“Well, hate is a strong word,” Draco says, picking his words carefully, “But we don’t have fishing trips or typical father-son moments, no.”
“Lucius was never the most hands-on, Father,” Narcissa says, “He always favoured the more traditional approach to fatherhood….”
“He’s a shit father,” A dark-haired man with sallow skin who is covered in tattoos says, “Oh, sorry, we have to do the whole introduction thing, right? I am Sirius Black. I was in your original show, back in ye olden days before the lord of darkness royally fucked the world over.”
“Can we keep this light? It’s a family show.”
“Right,” Sirius says sarcastically, “I’ll keep that war that spanned almost two decades as sanitised as I can, love.”
“Anyway, back to what you said about Lucius. You called him a bad father. Do you have any experience with children?”
“No,” Sirius admits, “Not exactly. But then again, the last 20 years haven’t exactly been a walk in the park.”
“Because you spent 12 of them in prison?”
“Because I was falsely imprisoned for killing the love of my life, yes,” Sirius says with a nod.
“The love of your life?”
“James, obviously,” Sirius says as if this should be obvious.
“But you and James didn’t end up together. He married Lily Evans, and they had a son.”
“Yes,” Sirius agrees, “Harry, he’s my Godson. Lovely boy, really, very down to earth. As it turned out, James wasn’t in love with me, but he was still the love of my life.”
“James and Sirius always did have a…unique relationship.”
“What’s your name?”
“Oh, sorry,” A mousy haired man with scars across his face says. He smiles sheepishly, “I’m Remus Lupin. I was friends with Sirius and James in high school.”
“So were they in love or not?”
“Oh, they loved each other,” Remus chuckles, “Like brothers sometimes, like best friends other times. It was complicated, but when James fell in love with Lily, Sirius didn’t complain. He was always there. I think Lily just accepted that he came with the package.”
“And of course, it would have been fine if it hadn’t been for their brutal murder,” Sirius says darkly, “Which I got the blame for thanks to my bitch of a cousin.”
“Yes, Bellatrix. The Black family did go downhill after the filming of Toujours Pur.”
Sirius snorts, “That’s an understatement. That lord of darkness and his little cult turned out to be a bunch of psychos. Bella was his little bitch throughout it all, of course, which got her and Rodolphus dead. No big loss there, though.”
“What about your brother?”
Sirius stiffens up, “What about him?”
“He died, switching sides to repent. Didn’t he?”
Sirius looks down, “Yes, he did. But that was a long time ago, and it’s in the past, so we don’t need to talk about it now, do we?”
“Sorry. I can see that it’s a sore subject.”
Sirius clears his throat, “No point dwelling on what’s over and done with. The point is, here we are, back behind cameras and how the world has changed! I used to be the heir to a dynasty that I didn’t give a shit about, granted, and now I live in my cousins summer house!”
“How do you feel about living here?”
Sirius grins sardonically, “Well, the only thing keeping me from jumping into the sea and breaking back into Azkaban is Harry.”
He laughs a little manically, “How the mighty have fallen, right?”
“The Black family has fallen from grace,” Narcissa says with a nod, “My parents, my Aunt Walburga and Uncle Orion, are all dead. I suppose they just picked the wrong side.”
“It happens.”
Narcissa sighs, “It cost Bellatrix her life, and poor cousin Regulus….”
“Do you mourn both of their deaths?”
Narcissa bites her lip, “I don’t think anyone deserves death, but Bella…she had made her bed by the time she died. Regulus, on the other hand? He was only a boy.”
“Do you think you picked the wrong side?”
“No,” Narcissa says. She shakes her head, “Sometimes I feel that I picked the wrong husband….”
“But Lucius received a full pardon, as did your son.”
“Yes, of course, they did,” Narcissa agrees, “Because they never wanted to be a part of that cult of darkness. Bellatrix sucked us into it. All of us were under mind control.”
“So why did you say you picked the wrong husband?”
Narcissa bites her lip again, “Because he is weak-minded and arrogant.”
“Arguably, your sisters choice of husband was worse.”
“Well, yes and no,” Narcissa shrugs, “They were as fond of murder and death as each other, so really, they were perfect for each other in a sick, twisted way.”
“Yes, well, Bella’s loss is no sore spot for me,” Lucius drawls, “I never liked her or her husband. Both radicals, chasing after power.”
“And that’s not what you did?”
“Absolutely not,” Lucius replies, affronted by this accusation.
“I was used, my mind was controlled, my body forced to do unspeakable things through no fault of my own. It’s a miracle I came out with my mind intact!”
“I mean, he’s lying, obviously,” Andromeda says as she reclines in her chair, “Hi again, by the way, Emily.”
I chuckle, “Hi Andromeda. What do you mean by that?”
“That he’s a lying, slimy piece of shit,” Andromeda shrugs, “Narcissa knows it. She just pretends not to. Don’t get me wrong, Lucius is weak-minded, but that didn’t lend his mind to be controlled. It just made it easy to change.”
“Still no love lost there, then?”
“None at all,” Andromeda remarks, “I didn’t talk to my sister for years after all that mess with the lord of darkness, and then we found ourselves on opposite sides of the war. Ted ad I were on the right side, obviously.”
“Doesn’t everyone think their side is the right side in a war?”
Andromeda smirks, “Oh, Emily, how you’ve grown up! There were no philosophical debates when we were filming Toujours Pur. I’m ever so proud.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
With a chuckle, Andromeda says, “No, I didn’t. Perhaps nobody was right, and nobody was wrong. But either way, 20 years later, here we all are once more.”
“Do you live here now?”
“Regrettably, yes,” Andromeda answers grudgingly, “Ted and I lost our house during the war, and Narcissa kindly offered us a place to say. I was going to say no, but when I saw how much it pissed off Lucius I agreed in a heartbeat, and now here we are, still living in the East Wing of the manor. We’re just one happy, messed up family again.”
“What made you two make amends?”
The smile on Andromeda’s face is genuine now, “In the end, it was for the sake of our children.”
A perky woman with bright pink hair grins as she lounges in a band t-shirt and tartan skirt. I’m reminded of the first time I met Andromeda Black, 20 years ago.
“I’m Nymphadora Lupin, but anyone who doesn’t want to be cursed calls me Tonks, never Dora and absolutely never in a million years, Nymphadora.”
“Why Tonks?”
“Because it was my surname before it wasn’t,” Tonks says nonchalantly.
“Yes, I am married to Tonks,” Remus says with a nod.
“There’s quite an age gap there, isn’t there?”
Andromeda snorts, “Quite an age gap? My son-in-law is seven years younger than I am.”
“Did that cause any problems at all?”
“Well, Nymphadora ran away to elope with him, so we didn’t have a chance to object,” Andromeda says dryly.
“I mean, she loves him,” Ted says, he’s much the same, but the dark blonde hair is very much flecked with grey now.
“So you didn’t object?”
“The age gap had me a bit worried,” Ted admits, “And he’s a werewolf, which would make any parent worry. But he’s a good lad.”
“How do you feel about living in the manor with the Malfoy family?”
Ted rolls his eyes, “It’s just as insane as it was 20 years ago. The Malfoy’s are more materialistic than homicidal, so that’s a bonus. But yeah, it’s a wild ride, for sure.”
“Does your daughter live here too?”
“She does,” Ted answers, “She and Remus stay in the East Wing with us. She says it’s because house prices are too high, but really it’s because she’s got a live-in babysitter in Andromeda.”
“They have children?”
“Two,” Ted says proudly, “A boy, Teddy, they named him after me which was quite the honour, and Hope, after Remus’s mother.”
“Ted cried when he found out what Nymphadora would be naming her firstborn son,” Andromeda says with a smirk. “He’s very sensitive, in touch with his emotions and all of that nonsense.”
“You’re not?”
“I understand my emotions. I just elect to ignore them when they aren’t convenient,” Andromeda replies with a shrug.
“My mother is a sociopath,” Tonks says with a roll of her eyes, “She can just tune out emotions like a pro. It’s ridiculous. Remus says it’s because she had a tragic childhood, but Merlin knows.”
“Do you think she likes your husband?”
Tonks snorts, “Yeah, she thinks Remus is great. She pretends she doesn’t, but she does. And my cousin Sirius thinks the whole thing is out of order.”
“I mean, it is out of order,” Sirius says as he chews on tobacco, “I went to school with the bloke. We were in seventh year when Tonks was a freakin’ toddler, and now he’s banging her? I just can’t process that.”
Tonks shrugs, her pink hair flashing red, “Who gives a fuck what Sirius thinks?”
“How did you do that with your hair?”
Tonks grins, “I’m a Metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance at will. It has some real fun perks,” she adds, winking into the camera.
.
It’s a big day in Malfoy Manor. Astoria is pregnant and close to her due date. Preparations are being made for the first in the next generation of Malfoy’s to be born.
Draco is leaning in the nursery's doorway while Astoria sits on the floor. Pieces of a wooden crib are scattered across the floor.
“Why are we doing this?”
Astoria looks at him in disbelief, “Because we’re having a baby?”
Draco makes a face, “No, you’re having a baby.”
“That you helped create,” Astoria says dryly.
“Yeah, I don’t have to birth it though, do I?” Draco asks with a smirk.
Astoria glares at him, “I could shove a tiny watermelon up your arse and then enlarge it and force you to shove it out. That would replicate what I’m going to have to go through to bring your child into the world.”
Draco pales slightly, then laughs nervously, “Right, funny. Look, don’t you think we could just get a house-elf to build this for us, or a squib even, if we gave them like 20 galleons?”
Astoria draws him daggers, “It’s not about the money. It’s about doing it yourself!”
Draco raises an eyebrow at her, “You think the baby’s gonna know if I built this or not?”
“It’s not about that, Draco,” Astoria says coolly, “It’s about not relying on house-elves to do everything for you!”
Draco makes a face, and Astoria says, “It’s fun to do this ourselves.”
“You think this is fun?” Draco asks, snorting, “Alright, have fun doing it yourself then.”
He turns to leave, and Astoria yells after him, “You are the most difficult person I’ve ever had to deal with, in my entire life, the most difficult! Have you ever met someone more difficult than yourself?”
“You’re up there!” Draco calls as he leaves.
“Astoria and I? Well, it wasn’t an arranged marriage, exactly….” Draco says awkwardly.
Astoria rolls her eyes, “It was an arranged marriage.”
“Do you love him?”
“I tolerate him,” Astoria compromises.
“We make it work,” Draco says with a smile, “It’s hard sometimes, but we found things that we have in common, you know?”
“We have literally nothing in common,” Astoria despairs, “He hates my Quidditch team. I hate his attitude to literally everything. His family are vain and materialistic.”
“Do you get on with any of the Malfoy’s?”
“Uh, not really, no.”
“She loves my mother,” Draco continues, “They’re really close, which is nice. She and Father don’t always see eye to eye, but nobody is perfect.”
“So you think your relationship is good, then?”
“Yeah,” Draco says confidently, “As good as it can be, what with the circumstances. It’s not always perfect. Sometimes she says I work too much, and maybe I do. But that’s the nature of the job, you know? Saving lives.”
Astoria snorts, “He thinks our relationship doesn’t work because he works too much?”
“That was what he said.”
“He’s talking complete and utter bullshit,” Astoria says with a shake of her head, “It doesn’t work because he’s fucking his Auror partner.”
“What?” Draco says, his voice goes up a few octaves, “Harry? Me and Harry? Harry Potter?! You’ve got to be kidding, right?”
Lucius sighs, “Yes, Harry Potter. I did try and steer Draco away from him, but there has been something about that boy from the moment Draco met him.”
“So, are they an item?”
“I have no idea what they are, nor do I wish to know,” Lucius says dryly.
A greasy-haired man sits down and sighs, “I am Severus Snape, and I am Draco Malfoy’s godfather, regrettably.”
“Do you have an opinion on Draco’s relationship with Harry Potter?”
Severus raises an eyebrow, “Am I aware of the fact Draco has been sleeping with Harry Potter since before he knew what a woman’s body even looked like? Is that what you mean?”
“Uh…well…”
“We knew Draco was gay,” Narcissa says with a nod, “Astoria did too, although I don’t know if she has ever told Draco that.”
“But he got married anyway?”
“Well, of course,” Narcissa says simply, “He needs to provide an heir.”
“It’s his duty,” Lucius says sternly, “And he’s done enough wrong already. He has to do something right.”
Draco laughs nervously, “I mean, they’re all wrong. I’m not gay, and I have no idea where they got that impression….”
Severus sighs in a remarkably long-suffering way and looks directly into the camera, “It’s almost like I live at Hogwarts and had to teach them potions for seven years….”
.
As Astoria’s due date nears, the subject of babies comes up. Andromeda, Nymphadora and Remus are having tea with Narcissa on the grounds of the manor.
“Are you thinking of having any more children?” Narcissa asks diplomatically.
Tonks looks over at Remus and says, “Well…I’m almost sure I know what Remus is going to say here, but I would like another, personally.”
Remus looks at her in disbelief, “Really?”
Sirius, who has lived in the summerhouse ever since a mysterious fire burned down Grimmauld Place a few years ago, walks by with a cigarette in his mouth.
“You for real, Tonks?” He asks, blowing out a ring of smoke, “If you keep popping these kids out like tic-tacs, we’re gonna have a whole family to raise.”
Remus shoots Sirius a sceptical look. “We? You do realise that Teddy and Hope aren’t your children, don’t you?”
Sirius winks, “Sure about that, Moony? We did have an interesting night not long before Tonks found out she was pregnant with Hope.”
Andromeda makes a face, “That is enough about your…lifestyle, in public, Nymphadora.”
Tonks grins at that, “Damn, Sirius, you got me. Hope is yours. That’s why she’s such a good swimmer. It’s those webbed feet from all the incest!”
“Knew it!” Sirius says as he walks on by towards the manor.
Andromeda gives her daughter a disbelieving look and picks up her wine glass, “I’m over this,” she mutters as she takes a large sip.
Narcissa leans back in her chair and smirks, “I never thought you would be the one to remind me of Aunt Walburga….”
Andromeda’s response is to throw the wine glass at her sister.
“That didn’t exactly help her case,” Narcissa remarks, “Aunt Walburga was notorious for throwing wine glasses at people.”
“I’m nothing like Aunt Walburga, and she knows that,” Andromeda says, “But she is always trying to get a rise out of me.”
“They bicker a lot,” Tonks says, “But my mother and my Aunt Narcissa do love each other a lot. They bond over my dysfunctional life and relationships regularly.”
“You were joking earlier when you said Hope was Sirius’s daughter?”
Tonks laughs, “Technically, yes, but there’s also a 50% chance that she is, and I’ve never actually checked.”
“So you, Sirius and Remus….”
Tonks shrugs, “We have an…interesting relationship.”
Remus makes a face, “A three-way? No, I wouldn’t call it a three-way.”
“It’s a three-way,” Sirius says as he drains a glass of firewhiskey, “Remus is hot, Tonks is hot, and I’m hot. It makes sense.”
“Of course Sirius would say that,” Remus mutters.
“Is he Hope’s father?”
Remus makes a face, “Probably not?”
“Nah, definitely not,” Sirius says, refilling his glass, “They make you infertile in Azkaban. Not by cutting off your junk, before you ask, but they do a spell that can’t be reversed.”
“Do you ever feel robbed of that opportunity?”
“Nah,” Sirius says, “I wouldn’t be a good parent. You saw the role models I had growing up.”
“He’s not the same,” Remus agrees, “Not since James died.”
Tonks shrugs, “Azkaban is a hell-hole. Nobody comes out as the person they were before. But you know, you can accept that and love the new person that the hellish place moulded.”
“So it’s like being in love with Lucifer?”
“Uh…kinda?”
“She compared me to Satan?!”
.
Draco and Astoria have just welcomed a baby boy into the world. The family and Harry Potter (Draco’s unofficial best friend) are gathered in the drawing-room of Malfoy Manor for the announcement.
Astoria is sitting down. She looks a little peaky but otherwise fine. She’s holding the baby, who is bundled up in a warm, blue blanket.
Draco smiles proudly, “Allow me to introduce the newest addition to the family, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy.”
The family reaction to this news was not what Draco seemed to have expected.
“Hyperion?” Lucius says, his hand poised over his whiskey glass.
Sirius snorts, “Oh, here we go.”
Draco stands his ground, “Yes, Hyperion.”
Lucius raises an eyebrow, “Firstly, you give him a Black first name-”
“It’s a constellation, but that doesn’t-” Draco begins
“It’s a Black name,” Lucius says, holding up a hand, “Then you give him the middle name ‘Hyperion’ after my insane Uncle who bred with a Muggle-born.”
Draco crosses his arms over his chest, “Yes.”
Lucius scoffs and narrows his eyes at Astoria, “You did this, didn’t you? You did this to spite me.”
Astoria smirks, “Would I?”
Daphne grins and places a hand on her sister's shoulder, “Oh, well played, honey.”
Lucius shakes his head and gets to his feet, “This is ridiculous,” he says as he strolls from the room.
Draco uncrosses his arms, “Does anyone have anything constructive to say?”
Harry nods, “Congratulations on the small human you brought into the world, Astoria.”
Astoria smirks at Draco, “At least someone appreciates the effort that went into this.”
Harry shrugs and shoots Draco a grin, “Well, let’s be honest, he didn’t have to do much, did he?”
“Where’s the change from normal?” Astoria asks.
Sirius snorts and looks into the camera, “And they think we don’t know they’re fucking?
“Astoria and I are friends, yes,” Harry says with a nod, “She’s sassy, and I can relate to that.”
“Isn’t it strange sometimes?”
“Because we’re both with Draco? I mean, kind of,” Harry shrugs, “But most of the time, no. Astoria hates Draco, and I love to wind him up, so it’s a friendship made in heaven, really. I guess the thing that separates us is that only one of us actually enjoys sleeping with him.”
“Harry is a nice guy,” Astoria agrees, “If he were straight, or a pureblood, I would have taken him over Draco in a heartbeat.”
“So you know about his involvement with your husband, and yet you’re friends?”
Astoria shrugs, “This is a pureblood family, Emily. Nothing is ever easy, and it’s rarely simple.”
“Of course Harry would be the only person who actually cared to meet my child,” Draco fumes, “My father is impossibly selfish. I swear to Merlin, some days I am just done with this family.”
“Don’t you think you’re over-reacting a little?”
Draco stares at the camera in disbelief, “Are you for real? I never over-react.”
“He over-reacts about everything,” Daphne snorts, “Total drama queen. It’s no wonder we all knew he was gay when he was like 13 years old.”
“Are you happy for him and your sister?”
“I’m happy my sister has the baby she’s always wanted,” Daphne compromises, “I just wish she’d had it with anyone but him.”
“Do you think you’ll ever have children?”
Daphne laughs and leans back in her chair, “No. This bloodline ends with me.”
Astoria rolls her eyes, “She’s a drama queen too. It’s a miracle she and Draco didn’t end up together. Anyway, the bloodline doesn’t end with her because I just had a child.”
“Ah, but she’s a Malfoy now,” Daphne says with a smirk, “The Greengrass bloodline ends with me.”
A man with greying blond hair sits down. He chuckles, “I’m Cygnus Greengrass, and clearly, she doesn’t know about my illegitimate children.”
Daphne stares at me for a second before cursing.
“Well….fuck.”
.
Harry is on the Quidditch pitch attached to the manor with Daphne. They appear to be having a seekers match, but Harry shakes his head as he drops down onto the wet grass.
“What was that about?” Daphne asks.
The camera zooms in on Harry, “Draco just sent me a Patronus.”
“Yeah, I figured that from the giant silver dragon I saw fly through the air, dumbass.”
Harry snorts, “Did you hear what he said?”
“No,” Daphne slings her broom over her shoulder.
“He said ‘how fucking dare you, you’re such an evil bastard. You’ve crossed a line with me, you dumb, evil fucking goblin.”
Daphne raises an eyebrow, “Did you wake him up?”
“I woke him up,” Harry says, looking into the camera in disbelief.
They step into the house together and find Astoria arguing with some house-elves in the kitchen.
“Oh, look, it’s the Queen!”
Astoria glares at Daphne, “Okay, firstly, I’m not the Queen. Narcissa is, unfortunately. Secondly, you look awful today.”
“I’ve been flying around with this dumbass for half an hour. Did you expect me to look red carpet-worthy, bitch?” Daphne retorts calmly.
“Nice to see you two getting along swimmingly,” Tonks says airily as she steps into the room.
Astoria makes a face and opens a letter, “Oh look! The ICWQC have sent us free tickets to the Quidditch World Cup.”
“Thank Merlin!” Daphne says sarcastically, “You’d have never been able to afford it otherwise.”
Harry hides a grin behind his coffee cup, and Astoria throws the morning edition of the paper at her sister.
“I love Daphne,” Harry admits with a grin, “When Draco and I became friends, I met a lot of people I didn’t like. Theodore Nott, for example – complete and utter wanker. Blaise Zabini, vain enough that he might actually have a magic mirror like the evil stepmother, you know, in Snow White?”
I chuckle, “Yes, I know what you mean.”
“Astoria, I like,” Harry continues with a smile, “She’s fun, she’s sassy. She can give as good as she gets, and Merlin knows Draco needs that. But Daphne? She’s a whole other level of sassy, and I just think she’s great.”
“Yeah, if Harry wasn’t madly in love with my husband, he’d probably be fucking my sister,” Astoria shrugs. “I mean, everyone wants to sleep with Daphne, but she’s picky about who she actually sleeps with.”
“How so?”
“Well, they have to be at least ten years older than her, usually,” Astoria replies sarcastically.
Daphne laughs, “I don’t always sleep with men that are older than me. That’s a radical dramatisation based on a few mistakes I made when I was in high school.”
“She snuck out of school to sleep with her boyfriend, who was like ten years older than her,” Astoria says.
“He was four years older, actually,” Daphne corrects, “Astoria always exaggerates when she tells that story.”
“And during the war, in our last year of school, she slept with a professor,” Draco adds.
Daphne makes a face as she thinks about this, then she shrugs, “Yeah, that’s fair.”
Harry shrugs, “Who cares? She’s a brilliant person. I don’t know why the people she’s slept with comes into play there. We’ve all made mistakes, haven’t we? I slept with my best mates sister before I realised how gay I was.”
“Is that an exclusive?”
Harry looks at me in surprise, “Does nobody know that?”
“That you’re gay? Uh, no.”
“Seriously?” Harry asks in disbelief.
“Seriously.”
Harry snorts and leans back, “Wow, the papers aren’t as observant as I thought they were then. I’ve been sleeping with guys for years, and I’ve literally never tried to hide it. But if you guys didn’t know, then yeah, I guess it’s an exclusive.”
A bushy-haired brunette sits down, crosses her legs and smiles.
“Hi, I’m Hermione Granger – oh, Weasley, sorry,” She corrects herself, “I’m married now, still getting used to that.”
“How do you know Harry and Draco?”
“I am their boss, unfortunately,” Hermione says dryly.
“Why did you say unfortunately?”
“Mainly because they are utter idiots,” Hermione says with a shrug, “Brilliant Aurors, of course. They have amazing reflexes and instincts, but then I stick my head in their office sometimes, and I swear, it’s like looking at monkeys who have somehow learned how to act like semi-functional human beings.”
“How so?”
Hermione chuckles and says. “Once, I overheard Harry saying to Draco – ‘what’s it called when you’re like bisexual, but with your hands?’ and Draco looked at him like he was insane and said ‘…ambidextrous?’ It was at that moment, I decided that I was surrounded by idiots.”
“Were you aware of Harry being gay?”
Hermione snorts, “Was I aware of that? Really? I was friends with Harry in high school, so yes, I was very much aware of that. I think I might have known before he did.”
Harry laughs out loud at that and nods, “Yeah, she probably did, to be fair.”
.
Most of the Malfoy family are working. Astoria, who is a stay at home mother for the moment, is in the manor with Narcissa. They are having lunch together…
“Do you know who I saw last night at the charity gala for the ministry?” Narcissa asks nonchalantly.
“No,” Astoria says non-committedly, “But I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”
Narcissa leans forward, “Your father. He looked very handsome. Being a widower suits him.”
“Well, he did hate my mother, so he’s probably happy she’s gone,” Astoria says dryly, “Did you have sex with him?”
Narcissa looks up in disbelief, “Did I what?”
Astoria raises an eyebrow, “You don’t have to do the whole fake-surprised thing. It’s not like it would be such a shock if you had.”
Narcissa is affronted, “I have been married for over 20 years!”
Astoria snorts and stabs her fork into her salad, “Like that’s stopped you before.”
“I have never cheated on Lucius,” Narcissa says, holding her head up high.
“Never?”
“Never,” Narcissa says firmly, “There have always been rumours about Rodolphus and I, and then about Severus and I. But I have remained faithful to Lucius, as he has to me.”
“Of course I’ve never had an affair,” Lucius says with a sly smile, “I have only ever been loyal to Narcissa.”
Draco looks into the camera, “They’ve both had affairs, and they both know about them. But to appear perfect in the political circles they run in, they pretend that it’s not an arranged marriage and that’s it ‘true love’. It’s a load of nonsense.”
“So you don’t believe in true love?”
“I don’t believe that most people actually get to marry their true love,” Draco concedes, “That kind of burning passion, it’s normally forbidden.”
“He called me his true love?” Harry asks in surprise.
“In a roundabout way, yes.”
Harry grins.
.
There is discord among certain members of the Malfoy family because Harry is on a ‘friend’ date.
“Who does he think he is?” Draco is fuming, “Hanging out with Viktor Krum? Viktor Krum?”
Astoria rolls her eyes, “He’s at a Quidditch match, Draco.”
“Friends go to Quidditch matches together all of the time,” Tonks agrees, “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Friends don’t spend half an hour picking a shirt before a ‘friend’ date though, do they?” Daphne asks without looking up from her book.
Sirius snorts, “Just had to go and stir that cauldron, didn’t you, Greengrass?”
Daphne smirks up at him, “Just saying it like it is, Sirius.”
Remus shakes his head and tries to ignore them all.
“You think he’s cheating on me?”
“Draco, he can’t cheat on you,” Daphne says in disbelief, “You’re married. If the person you’re having an affair with sleeps with someone else. Can you call that cheating?”
“Yes!” Draco exclaims, “Do you think he’s sleeping with Krum?”
“It’s entirely possible,” Daphne says, remarkably unhelpfully. “He does have a type, and in true Harry Potter fashion, it isn’t based on looks or gender, but on Quidditch ability.”
Sirius sniggers, “He’s his father’s son.”
Even Remus cracks a small smile at that.
“What are you talking about?” Astoria asks, glancing over at her sister.
“He has a thing about seekers,” Daphne says, “Look at the list of people he’s fucked, or wanted to fuck, and it's plain as day. Cho Chang, Ginny Weasley, Draco – all seekers.”
“Bold of you to assume he actually slept with that Chang girl,” Draco mutters under his breath.
Daphne and Astoria share an exasperated look.
“Then there was his crush on Cedric Diggory, and now his ‘friend’ date with Viktor Krum,” Daphne finishes.
Harry sits down and fixes his shirt, “Well, it wasn’t a date, whatever Daphne said behind my back when I was gone. Viktor and I are just friends.”
“She said you have a type – you’re attracted to seekers.”
Harry laughs nervously, “I mean, Cho and Ginny were both seekers, and Draco….but no, it’s not that I have a type.”
Daphne leans back in her seat and smirks, “He’s got a seeker kink.”
Harry looks baffled, his cheeks flush, “I don’t….I don’t know what she’s talking about.”
He laughs nervously, “I don’t…I don’t have a seeker kink….”
Draco grins at me, “Maybe he’s just attracted to outstanding Quidditch players,” he says, winking for effect.
- The End -
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