Chapter Text
Things Ain’t What They Used To Be
Javon Jackson, Paul Gill, David Hazeltine & Tony Reedus
Sugar Hill: The Music of Duke Ellington and Billy Strayhorn
“What are they doing?” Darcy asked.
Pepper Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, craned her neck to look backwards across the penthouse she shared with Tony Stark. “They’re arguing about something. Loki’s wearing those magic inhibiting bracelets that Tony’s been developing, but there’s fireworks coming out of his hand, so I’m guessing the experiment is a failure.” Pepper turned back to the grand view of the Manhattan skyline, and then raised her wine glass. “If we’re lucky, they could spend another hour discussing why it failed.”
Darcy clinked her own glass with Pepper’s. “To relaxation, something neither of us get to enjoy regularly.” She’d finished up her master’s degree in political science and her sister Elinor’s wedding had been a roaring success. The master’s program had been intense and keeping the peace between her mother and sister during the planning stages of the wedding had been something of a nightmare. Then Loki’s return had stirred up its own kind of trouble. SHIELD wanted him improving their security, training their agents, sharing his knowledge of other threats in the cosmos, and he hated it. He spent more time sabotaging their efforts than he did teaching them anything useful. After several of months of bullshit between Loki and SHIELD, Darcy put her foot down. They were going home to Asgard tomorrow for a vacation, but not before dinner at her favorite restaurant (Butter in Midtown!) with Tony and Pepper and then a Broadway show. She wondered what Loki would make of Wicked. “At least Loki and Tony get along, and Loki’s willing to help him. I hope SHIELD has the noodles to put an asterisk next to everything Loki tells them, because I know there’s stuff he’s making up as he goes. You’d think he’d want to be more helpful, since it's my home planet we’re trying to protect here.”
“I think it’s less about you and the planet and more about mistrusting SHIELD. Tony doesn’t trust them either.”
The two women were lounging on a huge circular couch with a firepit in the center. Pepper had the flames turned up, as the New York skies were gray, and snow fell gently over the city. With only two weeks before Christmas, Darcy thought her heart was lighter than it had been in a while. She was in desperate need of a break, and it was within reach. Earlier that day, the two women had enjoyed some shopping before indulging in mani/pedis and an amazing massage. “Thanks for today,” Darcy said. “I needed some time to unwind without worrying about SHIELD being on Loki’s case. I shudder every time my phone rings. It could be them or it could be my mother.”
Pepper knew Darcy’s mom and made no comment other than a twitch of her eyebrow. “You’re welcome. I didn’t hear your phone ring once. Did you tell them you were leaving today?”
“Maybe. I also may have shut my phone off.”
“At least the Allfather put you in charge of Loki’s rehab program.”
SHIELD was less than pleased about that, but they had no real way to argue with the Allfather. As ambassador to Midgard, Odin had given her the power to put a stop to SHIELD’s demands and take Loki back to Asgard any time she wanted. He’d even offered her a few of his prized Einherjar warriors in case of trouble, but Darcy insisted she could control the situation with words alone. As far as the King of the Nine Realms was concerned, Loki had been punished for the Battle of New York by the Norns and this was just a bit of noblesse oblige on his part. He didn’t care what Midgard or SHIELD thought about anything.
Darcy did care. This was her home planet, after all, and there were a lot of people she loved on it. She’d done her best to get Loki to cooperate and to get SHIELD to be reasonable in their expectations. She’d made sure Loki shared the important stuff about threats he knew about. As for their demands for weapons tech, that was a hard pass. The Earth wasn’t ready. “So, does Tony talk to you? I mean, about the superhero stuff. You would think they would need to talk to somebody about the shit that goes down. Does he have a therapist?”
Pepper took an enormous slug of wine. “Are you asking me if Tony talks about his feelings? I have to pry that kind of thing out of him with patience, love and a promise to throw his latest gadgets into the Hudson if he doesn’t tell me why he wakes up at night screaming. It got to the point where he would build things to survive underwater, but he’s been a lot better since he spent time in Asgard. He tells me he threw Loki off a castle wall, and I’m not sure if I should believe him or not. As for the therapist, that’s a big NO. I wish he would, but his therapy is building things in his workshop.” She looked sideways at Darcy. “Why? Is this about Loki? He seems like a bit of talker.”
He was, in a way. He wouldn’t hesitate to talk smack or tell stories of his adventures or use his words to manipulate, but if asked to share about the punishment the Norns had given him, he was uncharacteristically silent. If she pressed him, he would find a reason to run away. Darcy had sworn to be patient, but the silence was getting to her. Once upon a time, he’d shared things with her he’d never shared with anyone. “He’s a talker, alright, about all the wrong things. He hasn’t said one word about his year with the Weird Sisters, or what they put him through.” That they put him through something, she didn’t doubt. Under the façade of the (slightly remorseful) God of Mischief and Prince of Asgard, he was way more self-contained than before, and nothing she did could break his reserve. “If he was ever honest with anybody, it was me. I miss that, and he’s been back for months.”
Darcy heard the wistfulness in her own voice and took a bigger gulp than she intended, almost choking on her wine. Pepper sat up and refilled Darcy’s glass. “At the risk of sounding like a therapist, you’ve got to be patient. Months are probably a blink of an eye to him.”
“Ugh, that’s just what my mother-in-law said. Then she pointed out that patience is not one of my virtues and I might need to work on that.”
Behind them, there was a sudden, inarticulate shrieking. Both Darcy and Pepper whirled, then jumped up. Tony and Loki were facing the elevator, and it was Tony who was making the awful racket. Darcy was surprised that he could make such a high scream, but she could understand why. There was a man stepping off the elevator.
Phil Coulson.
Loki got tired of the noise Tony was making and slapped his hand over his mouth. “Hush, Stark. Agent Coulson, I own I am surprised. You’re supposed to be dead, and I would know, as I did the deed myself.”
Of course he would bring that up. Loki never tired of portraying himself as Intergalactic Badass ™, especially to impressionable SHIELD agents. Coulson looked unperturbed, and the two men stared at each other for a long, long moment. Darcy could only walk toward the elevator with her mouth hanging open. He didn’t look like a zombie, but she’d read his obituary. According to SHIELD, he’d died heroically in the Battle of New York.
Fortunately, Pepper showed herself to be the only person in the room with a heart and a brain. She broke up the staring contest by stepping between the two men and threw her arms around the SHIELD agent. “Phil, how good to see you! I see the reports of your death were greatly exaggerated.”
He returned her hug with a smile. “It’s good to see you too.” Behind him, a young woman clutching a laptop to her chest hung back in the elevator, and he motioned her to come forward. “This is an associate of mine, Skye.”
“Oh man, this is awesome,” she blurted out. “Hey, Mr. Stark, big fan.” She had long, light brown hair and dark eyes that hinted at Asian ancestry. She wasn’t dressed like a SHIELD agent, with high-heeled brown boots and a sharp sweater, and Darcy wondered what the hell was going on.
Tony freed himself from Loki, and he had stopped wailing. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. I knew Fury was a liar.” He approached Coulson and looked him over carefully, as if he expected to find evidence that the agent had been reanimated with cyborg parts. Then he exchanged a significant look with Loki before speaking to Coulson. “What brings a dead man to my door? It’s Saturday, you are way outside consulting hours, so I can only assume it’s a world-ending emergency.”
“I’m actually here to see Ambassador Lewis.”
Every eyebrow in the place shot up except Darcy’s, and she had the urge to blurt out that classic movie line: I have a bad feeling about this. Her vacation was spinning in the toilet and she kept her voice cool. “What can I do for you, Agent Coulson? I thought I made myself clear to SHIELD that my husband and I were returning to Asgard.”
“I am sorry, but we’ve had something come up, and you’re the only one that can help.” He did sound apologetic, but he also had the bulldog look that said he wasn’t going away either. Darcy sighed and took the file he held out. Meanwhile, Loki was circling Coulson, probably checking for dark magic or dark matter or whatever. The girl with the laptop watched him nervously.
Pepper caught Darcy’s eye, as if asking if she was okay. Darcy shrugged. She might as well hear Coulson out. Pepper was nice enough to take command of the situation and directed them all to the couch. “It would be much easier if we all sat while we talked, and I’ll put a pot of coffee on.”
Darcy took a spot on the couch, and as she opened the file and saw what it contained, cursed under her breath. On the top was a copy of her Great Uncle Maury’s obituary. Beneath were several articles about his antiquities collection and under that was a pile of reports from the FBI about her uncle’s less savory activities. He’d never been convicted or even charged, but everybody knew how he made his money. Her mother had called to let her know that Uncle Maury had passed and when the funeral/will reading would take place. Darcy had never been that close to him and sent flowers and planned to skip the family disaster that would be the funeral. She laid the file out on the edge of the firepit and wondered what would happen if she chucked it into the flames or made it disappear into her personal pocket dimension. “Coulson, what does SHIELD want with Uncle Maury? I didn’t think the Italian mob was the kind of thing you guys investigated.”
Loki threw himself down next to her. “What is an Italian mob?”
Oof, this was going to open an enormous can of worms, like those giant cans of tomato sauce that could only be bought in Costco. She’d never taken the opportunity to explain The Family Business to him. “I’ll tell you later.”
His eyes twinkled and she sighed. Loki was never so happy as when secrets fell into his lap.
“We’ve been interested in your uncle’s collection of Norse artifacts for several years,” Coulson said. “There have been incidents that have convinced us there’s something dangerous in the collection, possibly a relic that came from Asgard itself.”
Loki, his interest now really engaged, leaned forward. Darcy knew the incidents Coulson spoke of: the death of a maid under mysterious circumstances while she’d been cleaning the collection, an unusual story from an attempted burglary, rumors among rival families that Uncle Maury had a way of getting anyone to talk, no matter how loyal. She’d always dismissed it as nonsense, a way of making her uncle’s reputation larger than life. The maid’s official cause of death had been a heart attack; the burglar was a notorious addict; and she had no doubt Uncle Maury could be quite convincing when he wanted to be. He’d known how to throw money at any problem. “I’ve seen the collection. Uncle Maury had gone to school for archeology before taking over The Family Business, and I’m sure all the pieces have provenance. If Al Capone got put away for tax evasion, you can be damn sure my uncle wasn’t going down for antiquities trafficking. Thinking back on it, I don’t remember anything that would jump out at you as being from Asgard. Tony, have you seen the collection?”
“Years ago, but I may have been blitzed. Maury knew how to throw a party.”
“That he did,” Pepper said as she walked over to the couch with a handful of mugs. “I always sent a car to pick Tony up to be sure he got home safe, but that was at least ten years ago. I don’t think you’ve gone to one of his parties since then. Obadiah didn’t think it was a good idea for the CEO of Stark Industries to be associated with Maury Calvino, even socially.”
Tony huffed, whether about Obadiah Stane or Uncle Maury, Darcy couldn’t tell.
“Do you have an inventory of the collection? Any pictures?” Loki asked.
She shot him a dark look, and he flashed her an innocent smile. He was taking an interest in what SHIELD had to say, at the worst possible time. She’d planned their vacation so carefully, and her fingers itched to strangle him.
The girl with the laptop, Skye, popped it open and gave it to Loki. Her hands weren’t quite steady, but Darcy gave her props for facing The Conqueror of Worlds without blinking. The attack on New York wasn’t that long ago, and she surely knew who he was. “We don’t have a complete inventory,” Skye said. “I’ve tracked down what I could through the internet, but that’s only things he’s bought in the last ten years, and as far as I can tell, there is no computer in his home that contains a complete list of items.”
Darcy couldn’t help a smile. “You tried to hack my uncle and discovered that while he has a super-duper security system, there doesn’t seem to be much else to hack.”
Skye looked uncomfortable. “All I can say is that your great aunt likes to play Candy Crush Saga.”
“Don’t we all? Anyway, Maury wasn’t one for trust,” said Tony as he read over Loki’s shoulder. “This is good work. JARVIS, see if you can find anything Wunderkind might have missed.”
“Right away, Mr. Stark,” said the soft voice of the AI from above. Skye looked thrilled to be called wunderkind, but a glance at Coulson kept her from blurting out an appreciative word salad. Darcy was dying to know the nature of their relationship. Mentor? Superior officer? Dad? She had learned in her short time as an ambassador that it paid to be observant.
“Your uncle doesn’t have a computer?” Pepper asked Darcy. “Did he keep an inventory on paper?”
“Last time I was at his house, he owned an old Mac, but it was not hooked up to the internet.” It had been several years since she’d been to his estate. Though he had a penthouse in New York, his preferred residence was near to Princeton University in New Jersey, and she had always thought he’d have much preferred to be a poor archeologist. Darcy had some nice childhood memories of spending a week every summer with her cousins at her uncle’s place, but she’d done some serious distancing over the years (it may have been less about Uncle Maury and more about her mother). “I’m not sure what else I can do for you, Agent Coulson.”
He looked at Darcy like he had some idea of what he was asking. “You could get us into the house.”
***
“Come, milady, why the long face? This promises to be a great adventure.”
Darcy turned a look of magnificent distain on her husband. “I should be snuggled up with you in our own bed in Asgard with preparations for Jόl in full swing. Instead, I find myself flying down the New Jersey Turnpike on my way to a funeral. Tony really let you borrow this car? And who taught you to drive?”
Loki swung the white McLaren around a lumbering van like he’d been born behind the wheel and did not answer. “What is the point of having truck lanes if the local plumber won’t use it?”
She didn’t want to argue over turnpike etiquette, such as it was, and she hoped Loki hadn’t stolen the vehicle. “Slow your ass down, I don’t want you to get pulled over.”
“Madam, I am offended. You ride with a sorcerer, and we most certainly will not get pulled over. Your patrolmen will not even see us.”
He didn’t take his foot off the gas, and Darcy decided that wasn’t worth arguing about either. She settled into the leather seat and tried to let her tension go. It wasn’t easy. Every mile the car covered brought her that much closer to her family. There would be relatives she would be happy to see, but she had no doubt there would be drama. Adding Loki to the mix would only turn the weekend into a dumpster fire.
“I noticed that since we have come to Stark Tower, there have been photographers following us around.”
She could have lied, or shoved the blame off on Tony, since they were outside his tower, but she sucked at lying and it always came around to bite her anyway. “Do you remember when I told you I broke up with a former boyfriend in a very loud and public manner? I was a staple in the New York tabloids for months afterward, and even though years have gone by, some of the rags are still willing to pay for pics of me. FML.”
Loki passed a line of cars like they were standing still. “You should have told me. I could have cast a spell of forgetfulness over them or fed them to a dragon.”
She knew he was kidding (at least about the dragon), but the fact that he cared made her feel better. “At least yesterday’s snow makes the Garden State look a little less ugly.”
“It is not like any garden I’ve ever seen.”
They were passing the massive docks of the port of Elizabeth, and the planes kept coming and going from the nearby airport. The trees were bare, but the sky was a brilliant blue and maybe the weekend wouldn’t be as bad as she feared. “You will not pick a fight with my mother. You will also not pick a fight with Coulson.”
He flashed her a bright grin beneath dark sunglasses. “I make no promises about your mother. As for Coulson…” Loki trailed off, his mouth thinning. “When I kill someone in battle, I expect them to stay dead. How he could still be alive is a conundrum.”
“Remorse is what nice people do in this situation, Loki.”
“Who said I was nice? He should not be among the living, and both Stark and I are concerned SHIELD has found technology that it is exploiting.”
“So that’s why you were so eager to go on this mission? To figure out what’s up with Coulson?” Darcy held her breath as he got right up to the bumper of a sedan before sliding across three lanes of traffic without causing an accident.
“Of course.”
He was lying through his teeth, and they both knew it. She turned to look out the window. Honestly, she didn’t have an answer and she doubted he would give her one. The mystery of Coulson served some purpose, but she didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t about found technology, that was for sure. She scowled at her reflection.
“In any case, you cannot ask me to miss out on a SHIELD agent playing servant,” Loki said. “Since I’ve come to Midgard, they’ve treated me like the servant.”
Truth be told, reactions to him varied wildly within SHIELD. Fury and his thicc bois (Strike Team) treated Loki with angry rudeness, which she couldn’t blame them for, and she’d given Loki permission to defend himself if necessary. The other agents and scientists he worked with scuttled around him with an attitude of scared deference. “You might want to be careful. If I were Coulson, I’d be looking for an opportunity to slip something into your tea.”
“Poison is generally a woman’s murder of choice, though I see your point. Unless I mistake Agent Coulson, his loyalty to SHIELD comes first, and they need both of us right now.”
SHIELD had never been able to get someone into Uncle Maury’s house to investigate his collection of Norse antiquities, not as a guest or as an employee. Coulson had asked that he and Skye come along as valet/bodyguard and personal assistant, and they had gone ahead with the luggage. At least Darcy’s family knew Loki was a prince, so having an entourage wouldn’t look out of place, but the weekend would go from dumpster fire to flaming porta potty if they got caught having a gander at the collection. She had only seen it a few times, and she was family. As much as she didn’t want to get involved in this mess, it might make more sense for her to check it out, under the guise of showing it to Loki.
Why the hell had she said yes and not insisted they were going to Asgard?
“What can I do to put a smile on your face? ‘Tis but a day or two, and then we shall be on our way.”
She had agreed to this because of the spark of interest in Loki. On the surface, he seemed like his old self, but she knew when he was putting up a façade. Working for SHIELD was depressing at best, and if this would put a real smile on his face, Darcy would do it. There would be a wake tonight, followed by Uncle Maury’s funeral tomorrow morning and the infamous reading of the will tomorrow evening. She wanted nothing from the estate and presumed they’d be able to escape by Sunday, providing Coulson got what he wanted. “Look, I’m going to apologize in advance for my family.”
“Surely they cannot all be like Francesca.”
Her mother’s brand of crazy was like no other. “They all have their own issues.”
“Also, you have yet to explain The Family Business.”
“This is our exit,” Darcy pointed out.
Loki snorted but took the off ramp, and it was only a few more miles before they were pulling into Princeton. It was like no other part of New Jersey, not under the influence of Philadelphia, New York, or The Shore. They drove down the main street (at a reasonable speed for once), with the university sprawling on the left and charming shops and restaurants on the right. Though the university’s students had gone home for winter break, there was still a lot of activity on the sidewalks as residents prepared for the holidays. The snow from the day before still clung to the slate roofs of the older stone dorms, giving it a Hogsmeade feel. Once through the center of the town, Darcy directed Loki through a neighborhood of large older homes, and he stopped before an ornate metal gate. It swung open ponderously. Beyond was a cobblestone drive that curved around in front of a brown stone mansion.
“Ah, a hunting cabin,” commented Loki as he parked in front.
“Don’t you dare say that to any of my relatives,” she returned, though having been to Asgard, Uncle Maury’s mansion did look smaller. “The gate came from an abbey somewhere in Eastern Europe.”
Coulson came out to greet them, and he opened Darcy’s door with a flourish. “Welcome, Your Highness. Everything’s been prepared as you requested, and according to your aunt, the rest of the family is already here.”
That meant Coulson and Skye had no problems getting in (Darcy had called ahead) and were preparing for a nighttime look at Uncle Maury’s collection. Over the roof of the McLaren, Loki waved the keys. “Coulson, my good man,” he said with a grin as he tossed the keys, “see the car is kept somewhere safe.”
Darcy shot Coulson an apologetic look, but the man was unflappable. He caught the keys. “Right away, Your Highness.”
It must have cost him something to say that, and Darcy scowled at Loki. His expression was unrepentant as they climbed the wide front steps. The thick wood front door was opened by a woman in black, her dark hair pulled back into a severe bun that matched her severe expression. Then her countenance softened. “Oh! Darcy. I am so glad you were able to make it after all.”
“Aunt Pippa, how good to see you,” she said and meant it. Philippina was Great Uncle Maury’s daughter-in-law, married to his middle son Enzo and Darcy had always liked her enormously. She went in for a hug. “How are you? How is Aunt Jeanne?”
“Mother is tough as old shoe leather. You know how it is. This must be your husband. Welcome to our house, Your Highness.” Pippa didn’t try to curtsey but stuck her hand out to shake.
Loki, smooth as ever, took her hand and bowed over it. “Please, call me Loki. I do not stand on ceremony among family.”
Pippa cracked a smile. Then she turned to Darcy. “Maury’s body is laid out in the salon for the wake later, but if you wanted a moment or two alone with him, now is the time. Also, Jeanne put you in the Green Suite.”
“Thanks.” Darcy gave her another quick hug, and then they left Aunt Pippa guarding the front door, keeping out any early birds. She drew Loki through the foyer with its dark wood paneling and into the great room, with its large fireplace and skylights. There was more furniture in there than she remembered, but waitstaff was setting up a buffet, and she presumed this would be used for those who were staying for the entire wake. There were distant relations who would come just for the food, she thought wryly. Through another door was the salon, which had been emptied of furniture but for Uncle Maury’s coffin and several rows of folding chairs. Darcy abruptly came to a halt before approaching the open coffin.
Loki’s hand squeezed hers. “If you’d rather do this later…”
Thanks to The Family Business, she’d been to more than her fair share of funerals and she hated them. With her upgraded status as Æsir, it was a certainty she would outlive her family, and she wasn’t looking forward to it. She hadn’t been that close to Uncle Maury, but he’d always been kind to her, and visiting in the summer as a child had gotten her out from under her mother’s thumb. Darcy took a deep breath, and with Loki’s hand firmly in hers, she walked forward.
Uncle Maury was laid out in his coffin in a tan three piece suit. He’d always been a tall and portly man, and his hair had gone white long before she’d been born. He looked at peace, and Darcy was struck how little he had looked like that in life. The Family Business was a burden, one she’d always thought he hadn’t wanted. She felt like she ought to say something to him, but she had no idea what that might be. He certainly couldn’t hear her.
“What did you say your uncle died of?”
“Heart attack. He was in his eighties and had heart trouble.”
Loki scrunched his nose. “I think not. This man died through magic.”