Chapter Text
Sitting at a table in the slat, sharing drinks with his closest friends, his crows, it was easy to ignore the suffocating darkness inside of him. The unbareable numbness that has consumed him, an empty space where his heart should be beating, a vast emptiness where his thoughts should have been, emotions gone. He just felt so empty. He knows many would argue that he, Dirtyhands, did not possess any of these things that he finds himself lacking in. He would of agreed, that he did not possess anything but evilness, rotten from the inside out.
So why does he feel like this now.
He found a way to feel something and he found it by accident. It truely was. A Blacktip had grazed his arm with a blade in a fight and for the first time in months he felt something besides the overwhelming emptiness. He felt like he was walking on one of Inej’s high wires. By the evening he was plummeting back to earth with his thoughts to beat him on the way down.
He takes a look around the table. Jesper smiling at Wylans blushing face, Nina laughing heartily at them both. Matthias looking at Nina with such love he knows they will be married within a year. Then there was Inej, her eyes alight with humour and joy and he can’t look away because she is the only thing that has kept him going these months, when the monsters just won’t leave him alone. Consuming his sleeping and waking hours. His eyes catch on the bruise along her cheekbone and he can’t look away. She got hurt because of him. His enemies done that to her. He should have stopped it.
He stands and their eyes are all tracking his movements, a brief flash of concern flickering in their eyes. He hates that he makes them worry, he’s done enough, bought enough torture and despair to all of their lives.
“If you’lll excuse me, I’m retiring for the evening.” He looks at all of them again, he is aware that he does not say goodnight, that he usually gets up and walks away. His eyes linger on Inej, Inej who is so bright and full of joy. “Goodnight.”
He takes his time walking up to his bedroom, taking in his gang, Anika and Roeder joking, shoving at each other. Ratty and Pim telling an elaborate story to some of the younger crows. He absorbs the sounds of good times and laughter, the smells, the stairs creaking under his foot.
Walking into his bedroom, he seals the locks behind him and lights enough candles that there is a soft glow over the room. He moves to his wardrobe, taking off his suit and placing it back where it belongs in his wardrobe and takes out his night clothes. He leaves his cane against his dresser as he walks to the bathroom, washing his face and teeth he turns to the bath and slowly lowers himself in and turns the water on. The knife he bought at the market on a stool next to the bath, he reaches for it and closes his eyes.
“So Kaz was weird tonight right?” Jesper asks the table and everyone agrees, nodding their heads and humming in agreement.
“I’m concerned about him.” Wylan says, “He doesn’t look like he’s sleeping and he’s lost weight, paler than usual, quieter. Not his usual quiet as if he is scheming, but quiet as if he isn’t there any more.”
“I agree, he’s less monster and more lost boy.” Nina says.
She feels it then, a tingle running down her spine. She looks around, trying to see if its anything around her that has caused this. But everything is normal.
“What’s wrong Inej?” Nina asks, the others attention on her.
Her brow furrowed she looks around one more time but can’t see what has alerted her. Her eyes catch on the stairs and from the far corner she can see a single drip of water falling through. Another drop. She stands slowly, her eyes tracking from the water to the stairs. There’s no bathroom on the second floor, or the third, only the top where Kaz’s bathroom is. It causes another tingle at the realisation. She rushes to the stairs, her breath stuck in her throat. But she feels as if her saints are at her shoulders urging her to hurry. She can hear the others behind her as she rushes up the stairs. The stairs almost caving in at the combined weight and pace.
She slams right into Kaz door when she goes to open it.
“KAZ KAZ OPEN THE DOOR” she screams, banging her fists on it. When she hears nothing on the other end she turns to Matthias, “break it down” she demands, when he hesitates her eyes turn feral “break it down Helvar or I’ll slit your throat in your sleep.”
Rushing at the door, the hinges cave in at his weight. The force causing the door to fly across the room. That’s when she hears the unmistakable sounds of water. Overflowing water.
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight that welcomed her.
Kaz Brekker, slumped in the water, head leant back, his face paler than she has ever seen. And two slashes, one on each wrist, a knife she has never seen on the floor.
Her heart has stopped in her chest and she thinks she might have let out a sob or scream, maybe a combination of the both.
Jesper and Matthias shove her aside and go to him, lifting his limp form from the water. The lift him over to the floor outside the bathroom, away from the wet floor. She sees Matthias checking for a pulse and he pauses, focusing. The room around him silent and then he feels it, the slight pulse, a flicker of life still thrumming through him. He’s pressing down on his chest, trying to do something to save him.
“We need a Healer, somebody get a healer. NOW!” It’s Wylan who rushes downstairs. He mustn't have been gone long because he’s running through the door a minute later, a healer and medik behind him.
She sees the shock run through them both, then the calmness as they sink into what they know.
“Blood loss”
“Self inflicted”
“Dead”
They’re muttering between themselves as they kneel over his body, taking in everything and as she hears that work dead her whole world craves in.
“Either you save him or I will haunt you for the rest of your lives.” They turned shocked faces to her.
The healer nods at her and turns to the medik, “He needs blood and this wound closed. I’m going to heal these cuts” she turns to the group of crows hovering around them, and points to Wylan and Matthias “you two are a match, roll your sleeves up, he needs blood other wise he won’t make it past the next half bell.”
When she rolls up Kaz sleeve, she feels like she’s dying right along with him. Up and down his arm are scars, some new and others old. There’s a stillness that settles over the room at the discovery.
“An illness of the mind” the Medik says before they get to work.
None of them breath over the next bell, each of them watching the Medik and healer try to save Kaz life. Watching the worry flash across their eyes, the curses that leave their mouths. But then they’re both sighing and leaning away from him.
“He needs to be lifted to the bed.”
They lift his delicately, scared to harm him.
The healer and Medik turn to the them, “He lost a lot of blood, but we managed to seal the cut on his wrists which seemed to be the only open wound. He should remain asleep for a while, this is common for blood loss. Your friend is lucky that two of you were a match otherwise he would not have made it. You found him in time and because of that he is alive.” She pauses and looks hesitatingly around, “he has an illness of the mind, it is clear that he tried to take his own life and that he hasn’t been well for a while. My advice? When he wakes, he is not to be left alone, remove anything he can harm himself with. It’s going to be a long road, illness of the mind are not as easily fixed as open wounds. Myself or Anna will be back once an hour to check on him.” With that she walks out of the room leaving the small family to process the events of the evening.
When the door clicks shut the sound echoing throughout the room. Inej turns to speak to them when she sees it. A letter folded on his desk in the centre. She walks slowly over to it and pauses upon what’s written on it,‘ My Crows’ across the middle. Picking it up with shaking hands she cannot stop the tears that are flowing freely.
To my Crows,
I’ve never been good with words or emotions but I’ll put it simply, I wish to go home. I wish to be with my Da, Jordie, the Ma I didn’t get enough time with and the sister I got no time with. The address at the bottom of the page is my family farm, the Rietveld farm. You are all my family, and I have not been fair to you all. I have brought despair and enemies to your doorsteps. I never wished this to happen.
Matthias, I wish to thank you for challenging me, for never fearing the reputation but for most of all bringing Nina the happiness that she deserves. I have no doubt that you will both live long and happy lives together.
Nina, you have kept me on my toes and fighting back a smile more than I care to admit. I never made it clear how much I appreciate you and everything you do and are. You introduced me to waffles, I was hooked on them for weeks but didn’t want to let you know. You are the sunshine on cloudy days for them, please I beg you to keep shining on rainy days. Please give Matthias a break from your merciless teasing, his blushing may not fade one day.
Wylan, you remind me of me. I know that may be shocking because in a lot of ways we are quite the opposite. You remind me of me if my brother had never died. You are full of potential, you are talented and kind. You and Jesper make each other so happy and I can see you two old together as well. I was always jealous of your relationship, but I wish you nothing but happiness. Keep being kind and for the love of man kind, please keep making music, your talent is beyond words.
Jesper, I have always seen you as a brother. I know it may not seem like it but I cherish our time together and I enjoyed are time. I’m sorry I didn’t always show it or express it, but I love you Jesper Fahey. You should ask Wylan to marry you, you make each other happy. Your happiness is contagious. You are a good man Jesper. You will always do the right thing.
Inej, darling Inej, treasurer of my heart. I wish I did not have to do this but I can no longer live through this kind of torture. You are joy, sunshine and happiness. You are the light in my life. You made me a better man. It was torture seeing you injured because of me. Your laugh makes my heart skip a beat, I often found myself wishing to bottle that sound. I often wished I could hold you, to give you a kiss, my first kiss. I love you Inej. I want you to find a great love, to be treated with such kindness and love. I love you and I never want you to doubt that. You are so loved.
Goodnight, I love you all and goodbye.
Yours,
Kazamir Petyr Elija Rietveld
She’s openly sobbing because he had planned this, he had been suffering for a while and none of them said anything, none of them noticed. He said goodbye. He left them tonight knowing he planned to never see them again.
She goes over to the bed and falls to her knees beside it, grabbing his hand and whispering her prayers to whichever Saint is listening.
She can hear Nina crying as she reads the letter, Matthias over her shoulder. She hears it being passed to Wylan and Jesper, Jesper quietly whispering the words to Wylan, his voice breaking as he struggles not to break down. As soon as he reaches the end of the letter they’re all sobbing.