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For a group of detectives, the Armed Detective Agency was rather oblivious when it came to the personal life of a certain co-worker. There was no doubt that almost everybody who worked in the Agency had their secrets, which usually resulted from their tragic pasts. But despite that, all of them had reformed their lives after joining the Agency. They were happier, content with their lives, and seemingly over their pasts. It was wonderful.
If one were to ask the Agency members, they would say that Dazai Osamu was definitely the most mysterious co-worker they had. It literally took a bunch of detectives two years to figure out his previous job, after all. Actually, they didn't figure it out themselves. Dazai had just decided it was time for them to know and hence had let the cat out of the bag.
His co-workers at the Agency only knew about half of his real personality. They knew he was annoying on purpose, lazy to a fault, and never interested in actually doing the job he was paid for. He was also a genius, for someone so idiotic. He was quite powerful too; he might not have the best martial artist but his tactics were so accurate that it was actually terrifying. Also, he knew his way around picking any lock slapped on him. Although, the Agency didn't know that little fact.
The point is, they knew almost next to nothing about his personal life. He had a room in the Agency dorms to himself, but there was never any sound coming from his room. How is it possible that, Dazai, probably the most annoying person on earth, remained silent all the time? One would at least expect him to constantly sing his double suicide song, right?
Then, the Agency's employee records didn't have much information on his personal life either. Sure, it contained details like his name, age, blood type, date of birth and other trivial things like that. But there was no information on his family, or even his residential address. His records didn't even say that he lived in the dorms. It was all rather suspicious, as Kunikida realized one day. Surely Dazai had been with them long enough for them to know at least something about his family? But no, nobody really knew anything at all.
It was somewhat unfortunate for them, but they soon found about Dazai's only family member. It was in the most unexpected way too. The full thing came into picture over a series of events, actually.
The day of the first one started out like every other. The employees of the Agency made to work on time, Dazai excluded, of course. He never showed up to work on time, much to his new partner's utter annoyance. They didn't have many cases that day, so of course, they were required to update paperwork on the previous week's cases. Everyone (again, excluding Dazai) was more than happy to do their work in peace. They didn't get calm days very often, after all.
Sometime in the afternoon, when Dazai had finally shown up to work but was ignoring his duties to relax on the couch with a book, the president of the Agency suddenly had an important visitor for an equally important meeting. Naomi and Haruno showed up in the main offices to tell everyone to be quiet.
"President Fukuzawa is in an important meeting right now. He asked me to tell you guys to shut up, to be put frankly," said Naomi. She then proceeded to drape herself over her brother, who was just trying to get his work done.
Haruno nodded to affirm her co-worker's request, "The meeting came up suddenly and from what I can tell, it's really important.
Tanizaki, a curious one as always, asked, "Oh? Is the meeting with somebody we know?"
His sister shrugged in response, "Yeah, we've seen him once or twice. I don't think any of us knows him personally, or very well, though."
Dazai finally looked up from his book to cheerily speak up, "Wrong! I know the little slug very well!"
Everybody turned to look at him in confusion. Haruno cleared her throat, "Uh, right well. Sacchou's meeting is with a Port Mafia Executive. The really short one with red hair and a hat."
Yosano snapped her fingers, "Oh, you mean Nakahara Chuuya. He's really powerful. He'd be scarier if he was taller, but it doesn't matter. He's genuinely terrifying."
Kenji clapped his hands and beamed, "Oh, Nakahara-san! I love him! He wears the nicest hats and he can walk on ceilings!"
Kyouka decided to join in, "He is very nice. He looked after me when I was with the Mafia too."
Since everybody wanted to give their opinion on the executive, Ranpo spoke up too, "I suppose he does have a fancy hat. He's kinda stupid though. He did get stuck in Poe's book, after all. But he's a strong fighter, I'll give him that."
Dazai laughed freely, "Haruno-kun, Yosano-sensei, don't let him hear you call him short. He will quite literally bash in the ceilings. Oh, Kenji-kun! Chuuya likes you too, by the way."
Atsushi asked hesitantly, "Um, how do you know that, Dazai-san? You did say you know him very well; what did you mean?"
Dazai shrugged, "He used to be my partner in the Mafia, of course. You lot call yourselves detectives, yet you don't know something so simple?"
The oldest detective there paused eating his candy, "He's right. Double Black is the most infamous duo in the Underworld. How have you never heard of it before?"
Atsushi said sheepishly, "No, that's not what I meant. I knew that, of course. I meant, how does Dazai-san still know him well? Haven't they been apart for the last four years?"
Before anybody could say anything, or before Dazai could give a proper response, they heard sounds of heavy footsteps out in the corridor; indicating that Chuuya had probably just left the President's office after finishing their meeting.
The bandaged detective grinned, "He's going to drop by to say hello in three, two..."
Sure enough, the door to the office opened a second later, and Chuuya walked in, his hat perched perfectly on his head, his shoes sparkly clean, his hair curled flawlessly, and the coat draped around his shoulders flowing behind him. There wasn't even any wind! Just how was that heavy looking coat flowing so perfectly?! The executive was really so cool.
Dazai's eyes twinkled as he called out to the short mafioso, "Ne Chuuya, won't you look my way~?"
Chuuya threw a stray bullet at him with his hands, which Dazai dodged effortlessly, much to everybody else's horror, "Shut up, shitty beanpole."
He then turned to the others, "Sorry about that; Dazai is just an asshole. I apologize for intruding; I have a mission later today and I need to talk to him about mission strategies or something, much to my distaste."
The genius whined, "Eh? Chuuya didn't come all the way here just to say hello?"
"Fuck no, asshole, what kind of employee do you take me for? I would never leave during work hours for something that stupid."
"But Chuuya! Don't you want to say hi to me?"
"Fuck no! And shut up, already! I'm here to talk strategies, damn it."
Kunikida whispered to Yosano as the mafia executive dragged their annoying co-worker out of the office, "Chuuya-san is such a diligent worker. Do you think we can trade him for Dazai?"
Yosano just snorted, "You wish, don't you? But anyway look, those two are talking strategies right outside the door. They didn't even close the door behind them."
Atsushi joined the conversation, "I always thought Chuuya-san to be a really loud person, but they're speaking really softly, aren't they?"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the wide open door, Double Black were happily discussing strategies in their own little world. It was just like old times. They used a ton of code words and weird metaphors, which Kenji, who was sitting closest to the door, couldn't make sense of at all. What was Operation Shame and Toad? And what on earth is the Lie of Fake Flowers?
Ten minutes of strategic discussion later, Chuuya finally had everything he needed and was ready to go. He whispered, "Shitty bastard, are we actually going to do this?"
Dazai grinned, carefree, "Why not, right? It'll be insanely funny when they realize."
Chuuya sighed, "I'm not even surprised. This is totally something you would do."
His ex-partner merely winked at him, "You know me best, Slug. Hey, be careful today, yeah?"
The mafioso teased, "Concerned about my safety, are you?"
Dazai just rolled his eyes, a big smile on his face, before leaning down and pulling the other towards him. He kissed him right there in front of everyone before pulling back, "Fuck you."
Chuuya's laugh sounded genuinely happy when he spoke, "Fuck you too. I'll see you later, Mackerel." The executive then walked away, and out of the Agency building, a newly found bounce in his step. The bandaged detective meanwhile retreated back into the office.
Of course, he was perfectly aware that everybody else was staring at him. They had seen everything, after all. One minute, Double Black were just talking, and the next minute Dazai was kissing Chuuya who didn't even push him away or anything. And what the fuck was that little "fuck you" exchange?! They didn't even sound threatening or anything! They might as well have been confessing their love! Plus, was the infamous gravity manipulator, Nakahara Chuuya, the strongest martial artist, laughing?! How the hell did he sound so pure?! He was a mafia executive after all?!!
It started with a whisper, "What the fuck was that?" It came from Yosano, who was pretty much the only one who would swear so casually. Her little whispered question of course, gave rise to a full-fledged discussion about what kind of relationship the infamous duo, Double Black, have. The taller of the duo had, of course, put in his headphones, too happy to ignore his co-workers. He was probably patting himself on the back mentally, too. He did, after all, single-handedly disrupt Kunikida's schedule and throw the whole office into a tornado of chaos.
Over the next few days, every Agency member could think only about one thing. Exactly what kind of relationship did Dazai have with Chuuya? Of course, the former gave them no chances to ask him about it. Whenever they approached him, he always gave excuses and left. But he smiled while he did it, which was a clear indication that he knew exactly what he was doing. It was frustrating for everyone.
Everybody could pretty much talk about just that. Finally, one day, Yosano decided she's had enough. If Dazai won't tell her what she wants to know, she'll have to find out herself. Hence, she approached Kunikida, "Kunikida-kun, isn't there any paperwork you urgently need Dazai to fill? Like an employee marital records or something?"
Kunikida blinked up at the doctor, "Oh? I mean, yes, I suppose so. Now that you mention it, all of you have filed your marital records except him. It's all because he comes to work half the time, honestly!"
A smirk spread on Yosano's face, "That's what I like to hear. Say, Kunikida-kun, Dazai isn't here today, right? And it would be such a shame if we had to wait till the next time he shows up to work to get the paperwork filled. I would be more than happy to take the papers to his home and forcefully get him to finish it."
Ranpo snorted from behind her, "You just want to get into his house to look for clues about his relationship Mr. Fancy Hat."
Yosano rolled her eyes, "So, what? He doesn't have to know that."
Kunikida, who'd pulled out Dazai's marital paperwork by now, cleared his throat, "You know, Yosano-san, you're absolutely right. Who knows when he'll show up to work next? Even then, there's no guarantee he'll do the paperwork. We must get it done today itself."
Yosano snapped her fingers, "Excellent. I'll get going then."
Kunikida stopped her, "Wait, Yosano-san. I'll come along too. Between the two of us, we can be more persuasive."
Yosano grinned, completely sure of what her blond co-worker was up to, "But, of course. Ranpo-san, do you want to join us? Atsushi-kun maybe?"
Ranpo waved his hands, "Eh, easy pass. It doesn't take a genius to figure what's going on."
Atsushi meanwhile nodded hesitantly, "I don't mind coming with."
Yosano pulled the weretiger by the arm, "Great! Let's go, Kunikida-kun!"
Ranpo called out as the three of them started to leave, "Don't forget to get Dazai's actual address from Sacchou."
Kunikida murmured as they walked to the President's office, "I knew Dazai didn't live in the dorms. His room is too quiet."
Yosano and Atsushi nodded in agreement before entering their President's office. After explaining the situation, they managed to convince President Fukuzawa to give them Dazai's address. It was for a very important paperwork, after all.
On inspecting Dazai's address, Kunikida realized that the apartment seemed to be in a rather posh area of Yokohama. It was truly suspicious; they all got paid the same wages. How could Dazai afford to live in such a fancy place? Of course, he probably did have a lot of money from his mafia days. Or maybe, he lived with somebody else. In that case, going to his house will surely provide a lot of clues about his relationship with a certain mafia executive.
Fifteen minutes later, the trio of curious Agency members had finally arrived at their destination. They were currently standing in front of a high-rise building, which looked really posh. They even had to talk to a set of guards before being allowed to go up to the top floor of the building, where Dazai supposedly lived.
A minute of elevator ride later, Yosano, Kunikida and Atsushi were finally in front an expensive looking door. Yosano was way too excited, Kunikida was doubting his decisions to go along with her whims, and Atsushi was really sceptical about whether they were at the right place.
Before any of them could change their minds, Yosano quickly rang the doorbell. It was done; there was no turning back now. Today was the day they would finally find out what they wanted to know. A few seconds later, the door was opened by none other than Nakahara Chuuya himself. Sure, the detectives were hoping to find a few clues, but they weren't expecting to meet the man himself!
They couldn't help but gape at the executive. They were so used to seeing him in his fancy suit get-up. He always looked so elegant; every aspect of his outfit and appearance utterly perfect. But right now, Chuuya was merely wearing an oversized sweater with pyjama pants. He was wearing zero accessories, and had forgone his hat as well. His hair still looked gorgeous, but not perfectly in place as usual.
He blinked at his guests, "Uh, you're the Agency members. What's going on?"
Kunikida rushed forward to explain, "We are so sorry for intruding, Nakahara-san! Some sort of misunderstanding must have happened! We didn't mean to disturb you at all. We just wanted to see Dazai for some important paperwork, and this was the address registered in the President's records."
Atsushi added nervously, "He's right! We'll leave right away! Let's go, Yosano-san."
Chuuya stopped them, "Hold on, hold on. You want to see Dazai, is that it? Well why didn't you just say so? Come on in."
The trio gaped at him as they followed him inside. Nakahara-san's penthouse was straight out of an interior designing magazine or something. It was truly beautiful! The furniture was tasteful and looked elegant, and of course, expensive. The drapes looked really soft, and oh my god, what was cooking in the beautiful kitchen? It smelled so good!
Chuuya noticed Atsushi staring at the food cooking in his kitchen and smiled at him, "You can stay for dinner if you like. I haven't finished cooking anyway; I'll just throw some more in."
Kunikida couldn't help but ask, "You cook, Nakahara-san?"
Chuuya just gave him an amused smile before arranging for his guests to get comfortable in the living room. Oh my god, the sofas were so comfortable. Atsushi secretly did want to stay here forever. But that's obviously not possible, so he would very much like to stay for dinner. It smelled so good! Maybe Kunikida-san and Yosano-san will want to stay too.
Yosano turned to Chuuya, "Thanks for the offer. Don't mind if I take you up on it, though."
Kunikida hissed at her, "Yosano, what are you-"
Chuuya cut him off with a laugh, "It's fine, Kunikida-kun. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want you to accept."
Yosano grinned at him, having decided that she liked the mafia executive, "More importantly, is Dazai actually here?"
Chuuya's eyes widened, showing that he'd forgotten about that for a second there, "Oh yeah, of course." He then turned to face the door, which everyone presumed to be a door to the bedroom, and called out, "Shitty Dazai, you have visitors!"
Dazai was out from the bedroom a minute later. To everybody's surprise, he wasn't in his work get-up. No, he was wearing a soft looking full-sleeved sweatshirt, not too different from the one Chuuya was wearing.
He started to speak, a confused hint to his voice, "Eh? Who would ever visit me?"
He then noticed his co-workers, "Oh. Good evening, Atsushi-kun!"
Yosano snorted, "What, are we invisible to you now?"
Dazai grinned as he made his way over to his visitors, "Of course not, Yosano-san. What brings you lot here?"
Kunikida cleared his throat, "We urgently needed you to fill some employee records paperwork."
Yosano grinned, "And then Mr. Hotshot Executive invited us to stay over for dinner."
Dazai turned to look at his partner, who was back in the kitchen. Chuuya met his eyes, and in the creepy way only Double Black could, they had a full silent conversation. Dazai smiled at the other gracefully, and he rolled his eyes saying "no problem". It was disgusting for the other people in the room.
By now, Kunikida had brought out the marital record papers and had handed them over to Dazai, who took a seat in order to fill them. He raised his eyebrows, "Oh? You want me to fill my marital records?"
Kunikida nodded, "Yes. Everybody else has filled theirs."
Dazai shrugged, "Alright, then. I'll fill these." He then proceeded to seriously fill his paperwork.
Name: Dazai Osamu
Marital Status: Married
Name of Spouse: Nakahara Chuuya
Yosano cheered as soon as she saw the 'Name of Spouse' field filled, "I knew it! You guys are such assholes, not telling us sooner."
Dazai didn't stop a small smile from gracing his features, "It never came up. Oi Chibi, be a good doggie and come here to sign these papers, will you?"
Chuuya growled at him and smacked his head on his way to the coffee table, "Who're you calling a dog, asshole?!"
But he did go ahead and carefully sign his name in the "Spouse's Signature" field. He then checked through the rest of the records, filling in a few fields about Chuuya that Dazai had left. Once that was done, he neatly folded the paper and put it back in Kunikida's envelope, before sealing it.
Kunikida couldn't help but stare, "You... You did that so neatly."
Dazai snorted, "Chibi is a workaholic neat freak."
Kunikida murmured to his Agency doctor, "Yosano-san, are you sure we can't trade Dazai for Chuuya-san?"
If Chuuya heard his statements, he made no indication of it as he made his way back to the kitchen. Dazai however was more than happy to answer, "Unfortunately, that's not possible, Kunikida-kun. But why would you want my chibi husband when you have me?!"
Chuuya called out from the kitchen, "Because I actually do my work, asshole! Unlike your lazy ass."
Dazai whined loudly, "Uwah! Chibi is so mean to me!"
Chuuya hollered right back, "You deserve it, bastard!"
And hence, the detective trio saw Dazai act like a husband for the first time ever. Even though the two of them bickered constantly, their mutual love for each other was quite obvious. The dinner Chuuya had made was an example. It was crab ramen, made with fresh crab. It was common knowledge that Dazai liked crab the most. Plus, even though Chuuya threw things at Dazai very often (which the latter dodged every time with scary accuracy), whenever their hands or legs touched under the table, the exchange was rather soft.
Chuuya was surprisingly gentle when it came to Dazai, as the others noticed. He was sweet to him in his own way, and they could see why exactly Dazai had married him. They genuinely did love each other. Over dinner, they also found out that the two of them had been married for years. Since their mafia days, actually. They had lived separately for a while, after Dazai had left, but they had never separated as a couple.
Everybody talked about their relationship, ever since Dazai kissed Chuuya in the agency offices. And some of these members finally found out everything they'd wanted to know. Everything worked out just fine, after all.