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“Dipper?”
He looks up from where he is curled by the foot of the bed. Noie is at the door, with that sort of tentative look that she has whenever she has plans to see her friends. He smiles back, making sure not to show too many teeth. Don’t want to scare her.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to the coffee shop with Bea.” She grabs the doorknob, then pauses, just like always. “Do you... do you want anything?”
He waves her off. “Nah. Go have fun with your friends.” There’s something unsaid in the stare that they trade, but today is not the day that words come up to meet it.
“Alright.” One more pause, and, “I love you.”
“Love you too,” he says, and then she’s gone.
Dipper straightens up, and thrums his fingers on his chin. He has approximately three- no, four hours before Noie comes back, and not a lot he can do to fill that time. There are always summonings coming in, minute after minute, but for some reason he does not feel like answering. People never have interesting things to offer him these days -- never have really tricky terms that he can revel in finding a way to twist to his advantage. It hasn’t been that fun for a while. So now he ignores a lot of them.
What else even is there for someone like him to do all day on a university campus? Usually he would just conjure a book and read it until Noie got back, but he suddenly feels like he’s reread every book he likes too recently, and if he tried to do it again now he’d ruin it. So instead he floats over to her desk and sits in the chair -- feels how hard and uncomfortable it is on his back, and he smiles because to him that’s what university should feel like. Cramped rooms with uncomfortable furniture where very smart people with absolutely no ability to command a room would attempt to impart their knowledge. He sort of misses it.
But it’s fine. It’s fine that he basically disappeared from the school he was going to when his demon memories came back. He doesn’t need to go to school -- it was just an act, a little game he was playing as a human. So what if he was having fun doing homework and trying to grow facial hair and playing games with his roommate? He isn’t really Dipper Argenta, not anymore.
There are claw marks on Noie’s desk. He remembers to relax his body.
Dipper thumbs through his sister’s assignments anyway. They are scattered all over her desk, and she’s only barely started a couple of them. He can let himself get lost in drawing little graphs and finding overcomplicated mathematical solutions to her economics homework. He’ll just snap his fingers and erase it all before she gets back, anyway, so that he doesn’t take away her chance to learn stuff.
When she gets back. It’s nice, he thinks to himself as he instinctively works through an economies-of-scale problem. It’s nice that she’s making friends. She never really did, when they were in high school together. All she had was him -- which, if he recalls, was exactly the problem. She really did deserve better than having a demon as a best friend. Sure, she never seemed upset to have him stay in her dorm with her, but sometimes he wonders if he was just her backup plan in the event that she never made any real friends. And it’d be fine. He just wants Mizar to be happy.
Something bitter reaches Dipper’s nose. He looks down, and he’s gripping the desk again, and that’s smoke rising from between his fingers. He jumps back. Stares at the charred residue and warped wood.
Maybe it is not fine.
He’s fucking up the world, as always. Dipper steps through a fold of matter back into the Mindscape so he can run damage control a little bit. He doesn’t understand why he’s getting so bent out of shape about this. He’s a good brother! He’s supporting his sister in doing the kind of human stuff she deserved to get to do, without him getting in the way!
There is a part of him that feels like sinking his teeth into a solid titanium girder and feeling the pressure as it deforms and eventually shatters.
He lies face-up on a cloud and runs a hand through his hair. Those feelings are secondary, he tells himself again and again. Ultimately he feels lucky to be a part of Mizar’s life -- of Noie’s life. Stars, he’s given her enough reasons not to let him stay.
“I̸͇'m͎͕̘̝̙ͅ ̖̗̙̲̳͢r̙̳͕̻͔͘ų̼ͅn̸͔͔̺ͅṇ̙i̜̭̝͙͚͞n̡̖͍͔g̡̪͖̲͙̘ ̻͔̲͟ͅǫ̠͍̹͙͇u̱̜t̞̯͙̮̟̲ ̰̳͔o̷̝̘̼̬f̢̠̹̹̖ ̻̖̦̙͢p̥͓͕͓̤͕̤a̯͓̤̹̜͠ti͉͙̫̞e̗n̦̦̫c̟͍͚̥̦̭̟e̪̗̭̜͉̙!̴̭̩̬” Alcor roared. “M̜̹̹̺̗͔a̟̘͍̩͖͕̘k͚̪͇̬e̲ ̝a͏̻̥̰̭͖̪̠ ̴͉̗̝̺͉d̙̝̟͝e͍̼̗̠̮ͅa͍̜̖̟̗͕l̡̠͎̬̭̘ ͈w̰i̞͘t̠̘̜͔͜h̘͇̱̰̤ ̣̳͕̳̮̯͖m͏͈̠̼̹e̳̣̠̙̣͓̰ ̙̘͔̭n̴o̝͉͡w̠!͈͕͝”
Yeah. Reasons like that.
Dipper sits up, and comes face-to-face with a snarling, rabid demon that looks exactly like him. He’s remarkably well put together -- a picture of class, with his smart suit, top hat, and cane. He’s also a revolting monster, radiating fury and bloodlust from his golden eyes. Spit flies from his mouth as he bares two sets of horrible teeth because he does want to scare, it’s what he’s built for. It’s how he gets what he wants.
“I̢̜̥͚̭̱̯ ̴͎̹͖̱D̡͙̤͇O͙͉̮̞̣̥Ṉ̣̬̠̖̲͖'̸̳̠̰T̼̟͇̞̥̰̻̕ ̙̣W̹̥̭A̗͔̣̮̻͉N̟̭̯̺̳T̖͡ ͚̭̳͖̼̤̮E̜͎X̷̺͈C̯̫̹̘̠̺U̜͎̩̮̰̼̝͠S̡E̼̱̪̥̻S̲̭͙͇̯,̛̰ ̡HU͈M̠̥̱̦̭ͅẠ̴̗N̺͉̼͓͜!͚̱̰̟ͅ” Alcor screeched, his voice like nails on a chalkboard, the sound knocking out any nightmare within a 50 mile radius. “Į̲ ̠̟̻̫̠͈ͅJƯ̬̲̱̮͈S͕͘T̲̥̳͇̦̳̫ ̧̜̱̻Ẉ̗͓͔̩͍͠A̟̲̫͟N̘̼͇̥̯͔ͅT̺͠ ͈͔͓̮̤̠̜T̞̬Ḩ̗I̘͔̬S̹̠̫̥̘͖̯ ̯T̶͓O ͓͚̣̻̳̠W̶̙̺̜̖͚̘̫O̴̗̳̟R҉̳̻K̢̠̘͎̖̭͍! ̦͙I͙ ̸̣̞̬J̣̞͔Ư͎͚̻̺͓S҉̺̦̼͕͍T͓̜͕̹̣͢ ͔̲̯͟Ẉ̣̱̻̝̰A̧N̗T̘ ͖̤̯͔͎͖͠E̞̮̮̤̼͘V҉E̕R̮ͅY̰T̗̪͙̻͠H̰̘̯͖̟͉I̲̹͡N̬͉̟G͍͍̦͕̫̤̭ ̪͈̗̫̰͞TƠ ̱͟W̹̻̦̦̭O̬̩R̗̭̗̲̕K͖͇ ̸̤̠̦̝A̻̪͕̪̹ͅG̨̯̦̘̟A̲̻̩͙̣I̗̱͜N͚̪͕̥ ̜̜͖͔̪̹A͏̯̰̬̤̙̟̩N͍͠D͙̳͉̮͔ I̹̦̖̻͎ ̼̻̮D̳̖̻̞͠O̫N̛̮̩̺'̘̳̟̭̙T̛̤͓̜̞̗̯͉ ͖̼̬̙͍̙͕Ṳ̢̦̯̜͍N͎͉͔͓D̡͇E̸͓̹̤̣͈R̨S͍͎͖̱̰͈T͇̜͚̩̳AN̬D̴̯̞ ̝͟ͅW̶H҉̻̦̻͈͖Y͔͕ ̻̯͔̗͍͚I̷̫͍͇̰̙T̸͖̠̪̻̬̱'̫̩͚͙̦Ṣ̜͍̪̟ͅ ͇̝̞̞͖̣͠NOT̯̦̞̱̣ ̠͝W̱̫̜͍͔̘̲O͉R̜̞̰̙͟K̵̟̘͈̰̮I҉͔͓̖̣N͙G̞̙ ̟͈̳̩̱̪-͍̰̺͔̱̠͖̕-̣͉͔̘”
There’s a bubbling feeling inside Dipper’s stomach as he watches himself. He’s never been able to forgive himself for what he did, even though Noie said it was okay, it was the past, things are different; he knows they aren’t different. It hangs over him when he spends time with her. He can feel it like a heartbeat, pulsating from behind her confused gaze.
“I̳͝ ̬̳̝D̮O̞͕͙͝ ̡͍͖̲N̟̘̟͙ͅO̱̭̘̬͔ͅT͏̬̬̲ A̶͈̰̜̦N̜͉̠ͅS͚͎͖̳̩̪W̷̲̺̼̺̱̟͔E̜̞͉̪͓̦R҉̟ ̵̪̦̤̹̼̠T̟̗̝̣̲̰Ơ͔͕̤̲͚̟ ̶̤̫̤̖Y̻̰̭̰̥̬O̟̻̥U̺,͟ ̩̤̤͙̹̹̭͞H̯͓͇U̹̤̝̻̠M̭̗AN͈̠̫̲̟͡!͓̖”
He can’t watch this. Dipper’s legs wobble as he tries to get up -- fails once. Stumbles over. Now he’s sure he looks like a fool. He has to put his weight onto Noie’s hand in order to actually stand. The demon glares at him with pity written all over his face.
Dipper tries to ignore it. He lets Noie guide him down the hall, his weak steps only really able to shuffle a few inches at a time. He’s thankful for her help -- he really is -- because he depends on her. He loves her so much -- trusts her with all of him. Neither of them have anyone else. They are each other’s only support.
And right now he’s too sick to function on his own. Something is horribly, horribly wrong. The hallway stretches, twists. Their footsteps echo on the ground and it pounds painfully in his ears. He can’t believe how scared he is, how lost and alone he feels even standing next to her. His arm seems so thin in her grasp. The bubbling feeling in his stomach gets stronger. His skin is mushy, and it’s starting to slough away from his tiny frame.
There is an angel, using his sister’s hand to press a knife to his throat, and it burns brighter than anything he’s felt in a long, long time.
Gasping, Dipper bolts upright in Noie’s room. Warm light streams through the thick glass of the dormitory windows, illuminating the heaving breaths of a young man with too much on his mind. The angel. Noie’s betrayal. Lucy Ann saving him. It’s all so clear and vivid, just like it was happening to him all over again.
But it’s just a memory. It’s practically ancient history -- it shouldn’t matter to him. He forgave Noie long ago. Practically immediately, in fact. It wasn’t her fault. She was being taken advantage of by the angel. He can’t blame her. He doesn’t have any feelings on the matter so he should just stop thinking about it right now. He just has to live with the fact that it happened.
For a minute, it is all he can do. Dipper gulps down another breath and composes himself. It’s fine, really. He’s over it.
“Aaaaaaagghghhhh!” he yells, tears streaming down his face.
He grips his head in his hands, trying to stop himself from crying but it’s far, far too late. It isn’t fine, it wasn’t fine, and it won’t be fine until he tears that feeling out of his chest and lets it exist. There’s so much frustration and betrayal wrapped up in that memory and he’s never let himself feel bad about it. Because he’s a demon, because his feelings are secondary. But now he’s contorted on the floor and those feelings are not secondary anymore, they’re eating him alive.
He really, truly did not blame Noie for what happened to him. He knew that she had just been a child and someone else had taken advantage of her. But still it remains that he too had been a powerless child. Dipper Argenta, the person that he was, still existed, and all of the memories he had of being that person were real. Noie betrayed him. He got hurt. And he’d only come to resent her if he didn’t acknowledge it.
Maybe he already did resent her, a little bit. When he watched her head out to spend time with her friends, without him. Maybe he felt a little bit bitter. But he doesn’t have to feel that way anymore.
Slowly, Dipper’s sobbing begins to subside. He sniffs, and a glob of goldenrod snot drips onto the floor. There’s a sizzling sound as the glob burns through the wood and seeps down to the room below. He smiles a little at this. It’s kind of funny.
He didn’t realise how good it would feel to smile, after that.
He wonders if he shouldn’t try to find some other reasons to smile, during the day when Noie isn’t around. Maybe sitting around in the dark isn’t the best thing for him. Maybe he could try to join a club. Make some friends again, just like she did.
Dipper Argenta starts to feel like he deserves it just as much as she does.
(When Noie arrives back at the dorm later that day, she’s met by a teary-eyed twin who immediately gives her a massive hug. Disoriented, she notices how much of a mess the room is, and asks him what’s up. He gives her a little smile and says first, tell me about your day. Then I’ll tell you about mine.)