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The long night left his lips dry. His throat and tongue also resembled of a dusty desert. How he craved for a bit of humidity. Even a drop of water would be enough at this point. Morning rays entered through the window and blinded him, wiping away his slumber before they even dared to touch his companion on the bed next to his, who was still sleeping peacefully, as if they knew how much he deserved a well rest after all the sacrifices that young boy made. Not like Genya. No. He didn’t deserve that.
And, apparently, he didn’t deserve to get any water either.
There was no glass of water on the night table, which meant that he needed to get up and go the kitchen to get one and finally, finally, forget about the desert in his mouth.
If only he could do that.
He emitted a low growl that stopped suddenly as the threat of making him cough appeared. Genya couldn’t even bury himself in self loathing in liberty. Life really enjoyed to laugh at him. Boiling anger appeared on his cheeks and it made him clench his right fist with all the force he could gather.
“Genya?” Asked a drowsy voice out of the blue “Is something wrong?”
Tanjirou rubbed his eyes in an attempt of making them stay open. It wasn’t that early, but Tanjirou was still weak from his efforts and injuries from the last battle, so he was sleeping more than usual. Waking him up made Genya feel guilty.
“I smelled something like anger.” Insisted the redhead.
Genya tried to answer but only a harsh and muffled sound that was more like an agonizing animal came out from his mouth, followed by non stoping coughing. If Tanjirou wasn’t really awake before, this was like a bucket of cold water thrown onto him. He got rid of the bed sheets and ran to the kitchen to get what Genya needed.
This wasn’t necessary.
This wasn’t necessary at all.
Yet, Genya couldn’t put much resistance to Tanjirou putting the glass of water on his lips and making him drink. To make it worse, little Sumi arrived in that moment. The heat on his cheeks made him pray to just pass out.
“Are you alright, Genya-san?” Asked the little girl.
He nodded.
“I just needed some water.”
Just some water… if only that was everything he needed. Right after letting out those words from his mouth, he tasted something bitter, like the taste of lies. He would never be able to put into words everything he needed, part of it was because he felt he didn’t deserve it, and also because there was an emptiness he just couldn’t understand, an immeasurable void without color or shape, just vacuum inside his chest. He felt like crying. The familiar sensation of tears coming to his eyes and the choking sensation inside his throat.
But nothing came out.
He hadn’t cried since that day. Since the day he was sliced in half. When he clumsily apologized to Sanemi, when he felt he was dying. Before he, miraculously, managed to stay alive. Right before fainting.
It was as if tears left his body. As if he was dry and empty. No matter how much it hurt, he wouldn’t cry, he couldn’t cry.
Not even that he could do.
A light squeeze on his hand took him away from his thoughts. His gaze met Tanjirou’s broken one. His bright ruby iris, the other one misty and dull. Yet, it was as comforting as always. As if he was reading his mind, he offered a small smile.
Another squeeze coming from Sumi on his left hand made him turn to her. A squeeze he could barely feel, as if he was being touched by a breeze. Not because of her, it was his fault.
“You’re going to be fine, Genya-san.” She said reassuringly, as she did everyday. And as everyday, Genya didn’t feel fine at all. But he appreciated the positivity.
If it wasn’t for them, for Tanjirou, Sumi, and his other friends, he would have given up by now. Because what was left for him? Most of his life he fought with everything he had, he found new ways of doing things, everything with one goal in mind. And now? Now that demons didn’t exist anymore, now that Sanemi was nowhere to be seen, what was left for him?
“Mind if we start with your checkup?” Asked the young girl who shared a name with his dead sister.
Genya nodded.
The usual proceedings started. Checking his pressure, bending his joints, checking his reflexes on the side of his body that was affected. Because apparently, having his head cut in half wasn’t so good for the body. The recommendations went as usual. He had to try to do tasks with the left side of his body and maybe he’d get better, he’d get to feel and coordinate as he used to. Maybe.
Not being sure of what would happen carved a deeper hole inside his chest. Not only he had a new scar at the middle of his body, now he had to deal with being useless for real.
“Don’t worry, Sumi” assured Tanjirou with a cheerful voice “I got him, go check your other patients.”
The little girl with twintails nodded and gave both boys a soft smile.
“Just don’t overwork yourself, Tanjirou-san, you’re still delicate after all and” She turned her gaze to Genya, her eyes wearing an almost maternal expression, as if she wasn’t really her age after all, in the end, losing her loved ones twice couldn’t left no scars “Genya-san, I’ll bring you dinner myself so see you then!”
Sumi had gotten attached to Genya in such little time. And even if he was reluctant to admit it, so was the case for Genya. Maybe it was because of the resemblance of names to his own sister, but after Sanemi’s rejection and Gyomei’s death, she made him feel as if he still had some family left.
“So, wanna have a little stroll?” Chirped Tanjirou after Sumi’s departure.
Genya knew what that meant. Tanjirou serving as his support so his weak side wouldn’t betray him and let him fall down, even when the red haired boy was still weak himself.
If only he had been stronger, faster. If only he hadn’t been sliced in half. If only his stupid body was willing to cooperate and act as it normally would, not being all stiff and clumsy and insensitive on one side. If only Genya wasn’t just a burden.
“Hey,” Tanjirou caught his attention by putting a hand on his shoulder, his face got closer, his breath almost brushing Genya’s features “it’s fine, we’re both getting used to this,” he wobbled his left arm, the one that resembled an autumn leaf “we’ll do this together, now, come on.”
And he pulled him up. Genya gave up on resisting because honestly, those gentle eyes couldn’t receive a no as an answer. Tanjirou put his arm around his waist and tugged him closer, letting Genya bend over him a little.
“You know?” Tanjirou’s voice almost a whisper, only Genya could hear “I’m just happy you’re here with me.”
Trembling steps, ever so slow, echoed through the Buterrfly Estate corridors. And Genya felt like the shaky branches of a thin tree before a winter storm. Like his bonsais at Gyomei’s Estate, abandoned and probably dead after not being able to visit them since before the final battle started. He imagined them without any leaf left, with their small trunks darkened, their soil dry as the one of a desert. All the effort Genya made to keep them healthy and pretty was for nothing in the end… like everything he did.
The couple turned left in the corridor. They never expected to find Sanemi, accompanied by Nezuko walking towards them.
Tanjirou made a little jump as he saw the former Hashira, but his expression softened immediately as his eyes met his sister’s. Genya, on the other hand, felt a sudden urge to throw up and an immense impulse to run away.
Sanemi frowed mildly and made an attempt to not look directly into his brother’s eyes.
“Tanjirou-nii!” Happily exclaimed Nezuko.
“Nezuko! Good morning! I’m glad to see you!”
“Did you sleep well?”
Tanjirou nodded energetically. Only then realizing of the uncomfortable atmosphere surrounding the brothers by its dense smell.
“I-“ Sanemi began, sending Genya the briefest glance before sinking his violet eyes in the floor “I was actually looking for you.”
All words Genya knew suddenly disappeared from his mind.
“Can we talk?” Asked Sanemi after a long silence.
Tanjirou’s hand didn’t leave Genya’s waist. First he analyzed his face, his smell, and those were rather confusing, like so many ropes tangled. Then, only asking was left.
“Do you want me to leave? I can stay with you if you want to.”
This seemed to take Genya out of his trance.
The butterfly girls said Sanemi left prior to Genya’s awakening, a couple of weeks after the battle where he gained his new scar. He believed that by this point he would’ve been used to Sanemi’s indifference, but after what happened between them during his lasts moments of consciousness, he thought things could finally be different. He’d get back his dear brother, even after never achieving the use of a breath, neither becoming a Hashira.
But when Genya opened his eyes Sanemi wasn’t there.
And he wasn’t there the next day.
And he wasn’t there the next week.
And Genya didn’t understand what was wrong with him.
Neither he could understand what was so good about him to make Tanjirou stay by his side, or to make Sumi take care about him so gently.
Now that Sanemi was asking him to talk, when what he craved for years was finally happening… he couldn’t help but to be afraid.
But this was no time to show weakness.
“I’ll be fine.” Genya said to Tanjirou.
The boy with hanafuda earrings gave him a cautious look, but nodded immediately after. After making sure that Genya was balanced and giving him a reassuring smile he left his side. Nezuko patted Sanemi’s shoulder before leaving his brother. And both siblings shared a glance that said much more than words ever would.
The wind slipped cautiously throughout the corridor. Almost as if it was fearful of disturbing anything. Ghostly, it made its exit as if it had never been here.
Neither Sanemi, nor Genya knew what to say or do. The taller one thought it was as if they were strangers… and maybe they were. The last time they were true brothers, Genya had to look up to see Sanemi into his eyes.
“I wanted to take you somewhere,” said Sanemi, carefully, with his harsh voice “can you come?”
The last question took out Genya’s breath. Can you come? For a moment it didn’t feel as different as Zenitsu’s pitiful glances, or Inosuke’s blatant laughs when Genya let fall something he tried to grip with his left arm. But the fact that it came from no other than Sanemi…
“Yeah, I can.”
****
The way to wherever Sanemi was taking him was feeling much longer than expected. Other than the short strolls around the Butterfly Estate he had with Tanjirou, Genya hadn’t really had a real long walk since a while ago, part of it was because he was still working on keeping his balance, but mainly was because his weak and trembly side didn’t have much resistance anymore. And that was really showing right now. They hadn’t advanced much distance and he was already tired, his left leg more trembly with every step, and even though they were walking very slowly, apparently it didn’t help much.
Of course, Genya didn’t say anything. Nor even a complaining sound escaped from his mouth. He just kept moving forward, collecting every remain of strength left in his body.
There was a distance between him and Sanemi.
Sanemi’s eyes were lost everywhere, on the landscape, on the path, on the sky, looking at everything but his brother. Despite Genya couldn’t read his expression, the dark circles underneath his eyes were noticeable. Genya felt a piercing sensation in his chest knowing that although the war had ended, Sanemi wasn’t as well as he deserved to. After all these years of suffering, of carrying an immense responsibility, still having signs of pain on his body was immensely unfair.
But being realistic, would pain ever leave?
They had it marked on their skin after all. Carved onto his body like scorched soil.
Genya hadn’t been there when Sanemi obtained most of his scars, but he had when his neat and childish face had been marked for the first time. Only remembering it made him feel dizzy and, immediately after, he stumbled, miraculously not falling down.
“Alright, get on.”
“What?!” Genya shouted as soon as he saw Sanemi squatting down in front of him.
“You heard me, now get on.”
The heat rose to Genya’s cheeks.
“T-There’s no need for that! I’m fine, really!”
The white haired man stood up, facing Genya directly. Even though he was shorter, his presence wasn’t any less intimidating. Using his hand, he pushed Genya’s shoulder without much force, immediately making his balance quiver.
“Yeah, I don’t fucking buy it,” scolded the older Shinazugawa “will you get on my back now? Or will you keep on making up dumb excuses?”
Without any choice and feeling his blush creep up to his ears, Genya surrendered to Sanemi’s request of giving him a piggyback ride.
To say that this awakened old memories is to say the least. Sanemi’s warmth against his body, his arms holding his legs. And Genya’s odd and big body holding him as if they had never been apart, as if he didn’t commit an awful mistake that lead to a broken relationship. As if he really belonged here after all.
But Genya wouldn’t let himself indulge in this sudden bliss, because life has taught him that happiness is ephemeral. And him, of all people, wasn’t allowed to have it.
Instead, he felt out of place. Guilty for making Sanemi’s tired body to carry him.
Genya’s heart shattered, as an old leaf turning into dust.
He still couldn’t cry.
The way became recognizable shortly after Sanemi picked him up. This was the path he used to walk every time he went from the Butterfly Estate back to Gyomei’s home, was it his home too? Genya wondered why they were going there of all places. Whatever the reason, he’d discover it in a short while, so it was pointless to keep on thinking about it. Instead, he focused on the path, on the landscape. On the days prior to the final battle, the surroundings of his home were more than crowded, everyone was running and shouting and training, now everything was empty. Just the trees stayed. The trees and the wind.
Sanemi let him down once they were already in Gyomei’s home.
The place was abandoned. A faint layer of dust covered everything. There were still some signals that this place was once inhabited, like those teacups on the table that were never washed.
Genya never got to say goodbye to his sensei. To that man who, after days of insisting, accepted him, and, as time passed, grew fond of him. Maybe Gyomei was hard to read, but he let him know that he appreciated him and that he cared for him in his own way. And after years of not having a home, of not being close to anyone, he found shelter in him.
Genya felt something like a knot inside his throat. He missed Gyomei.
Interrupting his thoughts, Sanemi pointed to what once was his bedroom, signaling to come with him.
As soon as he put a foot inside his old bedroom, he felt a difference from the rest of the house. It didn’t smell like dirt, there was fresh air coming from the open window. But what took out his breath were his small bonsais displayed on the shelf where he used to keep them, where they received just the right amount of sunlight to grow.
He thought they were withered, dead after several days of abandonment.
But there were they. With green leaves and lively trunks and branches. Alive, growing. Sure, they haven’t been pruned and they looked a little more wild, but, in the end, they weren’t dead and that was beyond astonishing.
“What?” Asked Genya, incredulously.
Sanemi raised his shoulders, still avoiding his gaze.
“I took care of them.”
Genya turned to him so quickly he nearly lost his balance.
Sanemi bit his lip.
“Don’t think it was my idea,” he crossed his arms “it was Nezuko’s, I didn’t even know you nurtured trees.” Sanemi’s hand scratched his cheek “And I didn’t have a clue of how to take care of them so she helped with that too.”
Genya blinked twice.
“I see,” he sighed “in any case, thank you, aniki.”
Genya didn’t believe Sanemi had any idea of how much these bonsais were meaningful to him. And even if he was doing it because of pitying him, he was still grateful. At least there was something of his old life that Genya didn’t lose.
“I just wanted to tell you that you’re wrong.” The older said, taking Genya off guard.
“Huh?”
“About what you said, I’m not the nicest person ever, you don’t even know me.”
Genya’s eyebrows quivered. How to respond to that? He was right but still… Genya liked to tell himself that he really knew him, that underneath those scars, he was still the caring older brother he once had. And he refused to believe that wasn’t true, just as he refused to give up on doing whatever he had to do to get his approval, even if that meant doing something as gross as eating demons. Because what would he have if he stopped believing?
Nothing.
He’d have nothing left.
But Sanemi’s harsh voice and uncomfortable pose prevented him from responding. He was still afraid.
“And I don’t know you at all.”
Ah, right. All this sounded too familiar. Sanemi told him many times that he didn’t have a brother, that Genya wasn’t his brother.
Sanemi’s head leaned down.
“Yeah, you’re right,” mumbled Genya, remembering the look on Sanemi’s eyes when he discovered that he ate demons. To be a demon, or something very similar at least, it wasn’t much different from his current state, was it? Not human enough, there was something he was lacking, something that made Sanemi and almost everyone else despise him “you can’t even look at me right now, just like back then.”
Sanemi gasped and his trembling eyes focused, finally, on his younger brother. He gave a step closer.
“I don’t look at you” his voice almost turning into a yell “because all of this is my fault! You nearly died and it’s my fault! I had to protect you and I didn’t do it! And you come and tell me that I’m the nicest person ever when you’re nearly dying when the truth is that I’m the worst person ever!” Tears slid down his cheeks “I haven’t been able to protect anyone I’ve loved and you’re one of them! And I don’t fucking deserve your forgiveness because I’ve treated you like shit, I just wanted to take care of your stupid plants to do at least one good thing for you.”
He wiped out his own tears with his hand.
“So now that you’ve seen them” Sanemi continued, giving a step back and starting to walk towards the door “you can go back to-“
“‘Nemi!” Genya gripped Sanemi’s hand before he went too far away, and, finally, he let out the tears he held for a very long time “I’m sorry too.”
Sanemi held his breath for a moment.
“Sorry? What for?”
“For everything. For calling you a murderer, for not being enough-“
“Stop talking, dumbass, you were always enough.”
And with that Genya jumped to Sanemi’s arms without thinking it. He feared for a moment he’d push him away but when he felt Sanemi’s arms also holding him tightly, he couldn’t help but to sob louder. After a while, Genya felt the cloth of his shoulder, where Sanemi buried his face, getting damp.
For the first time in years, Genya didn’t feel as a shriveled, thin tree on a winter storm.
For the first time, he felt genuine hope.
And held like that stayed the two brothers for what it felt like an small eternity, a tiny mend for all those years that kept them apart.
There still was time to know each other.
After some time, when Genya made sure his bonsais were fine and after giving a small stroll around what had been his home, they decided to go back. Again, Sanemi offered to carry him all the way back. Genya tried to decline the offer, saying that he was sure he was capable of getting back to the Butterfly Estate on his own.
“Are you ashamed?” Replied Sanemi, like reading his thoughts. Of course he was, and not because of the piggyback ride “Hell, it isn’t a crime to accept some help, you know? If there’s something wrong here is the world, not you.”
And so, they went back.
Not even half way there, a sudden rain started. Genya didn’t even realize it was cloudy until now, until the first drops landed on the soil and this one absorbed them eagerly, until the first drops agitated the foliage of the trees.
The smell of rain was fresh and soothing.
“Fuck, we’re already wet.” Cursed Sanemi.
Genya chuckled. The cold water soaked his clothes and his hair, giving him a chilly sensation. Genya smiled.
“I like it.” Said Genya.
Sanemi let out a defeated sigh.
With this rain, the plants and trees on the side of the path would surely grow.
His relationship with Sanemi wasn’t fixed completely, there was still a lot to talk about. But this was the beginning of something and he was sure of it.
After all, the relationship with his brother wasn’t the only thing that needed to be fixed. Genya still had to deal with his self-loathing and bad habits, and right now, he felt capable of doing it. In a slow way, like his steps. Because maybe his soul wasn’t as withered as he thought. Maybe what he needed was just some rain.