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Jason had always felt things differently than others. Even before the Pit. His emotions were stronger, more intense. They were usually swallowed in his anger, but that had been more of a coping mechanism for dealing with growing up in Crime Alley. Crime Alley wasn’t exactly a safe place to be emotionally vulnerable. Or any kind of vulnerable. So, anger.
After his death, and the Pit, though. It was different. The first few months after the Pit, he couldn’t feel much of anything other than an all-consuming rage. He wanted to scream and break shit and burn the world to the ground. He felt out of control.
After those first few months though, it tempered slightly. He was able to focus that rage. He didn’t feel much of anything else though. He guessed that was a side effect of being previously dead, and never asked Ra’s or Talia whether that was normal.
When he returned to Gotham, it was the first time he felt anything other than the rage. The night after confronting Bruce about not killing the Joker after his death, Jason cried. Jason hadn’t cried like that in years. The pain of loss for his stolen childhood and feeling of betrayal by the man he had once considered a father. All of it finally hitting him.
The swirl of envy and longing that flooded Jason’s chest anytime he caught sight of, or even thought of, his replacement, was painful. He had forgotten how intensely he had felt those emotions.
He usually avoided him.
It was a long time before he was able to get on any sort of stable terms with any of his family. He didn’t really feel much in the way of love or happiness since his death.
He just felt hollow most of the time.
When the old man had disappeared, and everyone had scrambled to take up the mantle of Batman, Jason had sat back and watched. His feeling of loss for his former father figure a dull ache in his chest at most.
When the dust had settled and Dick had been the one with the cowl, Jason hadn’t felt much either way about it. The confusion, horror, and disgust that nearly consumed him when he found out that Dick had taken away the title of Robin from his replacement and given it to the demon brat, made him want to be sick.
He had remembered all the rage, and eventually pain, that Jason had felt when he had found out that someone else had taken up the mantle of Robin. That had been his title. He may have inherited it, sort of, from Dick, but it had been his. It took Jason a long time to understand and accept that it wasn’t fair to really hold that against Tim, when he had died . No one was expecting him to come back and want his title back.
Jason was disgusted that Dick would strip that title from his replacement. Jason knew for a fact that even though Dick had moved on from being Robin, he had been pissed to high heaven when he found out that Bruce had given the title to Jason. He had been horrible to Jason about it for a long time.
He knew Dick knew how much the title of Robin means to the person with the title. That it becomes part of your identity. He was horrified that he was willing to strip that from anyone, and then give it to someone who clearly wasn’t ready for it.
Jason wouldn’t admit it, but he kept a closer eye on Tim after finding out that he wasn’t Robin anymore. He didn’t realize it, but that was the first time he really felt fear again. That fear you have for someone else. When you pray to a god you never really believed in, that they won’t spiral and completely lose themselves like you did. He had never wanted anyone to feel that pain of having a piece of your identity stolen from you and given to someone else.
Watching him, Jason saw the spiral that he feared. Tim had thrown himself into running WE and finding a way to get Bruce back.
Tim didn’t think that Bruce was dead.
Jason had been there when Tim had first brought up his theory to the rest of the bats. He had been horrified to realize that instead of any of them believing Tim, they had just suggested that he was just grieving Bruce’s death and maybe needed more therapy. His rage simmered and he wanted to scream at Dick that he was being an asshole. Jason had literally come back from the dead. Why was it so outrageous to them now that Bruce might not actually be dead?
And screw Dick for suggesting that he was “just grieving Bruce’s death”. Tim was grieving the loss of a huge part of his identity, and now the betrayal of his family, if anything.
“I believe you.” Jason told Tim. He had climbed in through one of the windows in Tim’s apartment, later that night.
Tim was startled at the appearance of Red Hood in his living room while he was trying to work on some spreadsheets he needed for work at WE. “What?” Tim pulled off his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose before turning towards Jason.
“ I believe you. About Bruce.” Jason repeated. “And I want to help you get him back. However much I have issues with the old man, Dick shouldn’t be the one in the cowl.”
Jason could see the confusion on Tim’s face. Jason was fully aware that he had never really been good at expressing things before he died. He had been too scared of the intensity at which he felt things. So, he hid behind the anger and whatever he needed to survive. Dying and coming back had made it a whole different experience when it came to emotions.
So, when Tim asked the question, why, Jason had had to pause and take a few deep breaths. He wanted Tim to understand. To see that Jason understood. He put aside the anger that had risen to the defensive, and surprisingly, Tim gave him the time to do so. To collect his answer.
“The old man might be a hard ass about his code, but I remember that he tried to be a good parent… He didn’t always hit the mark… But he wouldn’t have pulled the shit that Dick pulled. Not even for his ‘blood son’… He might’ve given the little shit the title of Robin too, but he wouldn’t have taken it from you… He always told me that it would be my choice to be or not be Robin…” Jason couldn’t hold back the mirthless laugh that escaped his lips before he continued, his words slow and deliberately chosen up to that point. “I never really got to make that choice… So, I get it… Just…Dick had no right to do something that not even Bruce would do…”
Jason hadn’t been that open with anyone since his return from the dead, not counting the fight over the Joker with Bruce. And Tim probably knew it.
“Okay.” Jason could see the understanding and acceptance in Tim’s eyes.
He understood that Jason could relate.
Jason wouldn’t notice, but there was a tiny spark of hopefulness in his chest after that conversation with Tim. It wasn’t anywhere near the amount that he had held, and hidden away, before his death, but it was something. Just a little something to start filling in the void that had been yawning in his chest since his return to the living.
It had taken a while to get Bruce back. Countless late nights of Jason listening to Tim’s theories and explanations of the science, and Jason trying to contribute. More than a few nights of Jason going on patrol with Tim on comms with him, even as he sat in his apartment doing work for WE.
It was a little more than halfway through the time it took to find and get Bruce back, that Tim had started coming out on patrols again. He had helped Tim design the costume. Jason couldn’t help the genuine way that he laughed at Tim’s suggestion that the costume have a cowl.
Jason had immediately vetoed the idea as soon as he could breathe properly again.
The decision to go by Red Robin had been tough. They both knew that Tim could only do so much to reclaim that identity, even if neither of them talked about it.
Whenever Tim went on patrol with Jason, he stuck to rubber bullets and non-lethal fighting, at Tim’s request. Tim had made it clear that he respected that Jason felt the need to use lethal force. So, the least Jason could do is return the favor. He could always go out on his own at a different time so Tim wouldn’t be involved.
Jason was pretty sure that both of them had felt a little more than betrayed when they finally got Bruce back, and they hadn’t gotten more than the Bruce equivalent of a “thank you”, and Bruce taking back over as Batman. He didn’t even bother to ask why Tim wasn’t Robin anymore.
The first time Jason had hugged Tim was after the first big meeting of all the bats. Jason had stuck to the background, but he could see the way it nearly broke Tim to have almost none of the people he considered family acknowledge that he had been right about Bruce or commend or thank him for not giving up on the old man.
When they had reached Tim’s apartment, they were standing in the middle of Tim’s kitchen when Tim finally met Jason’s eyes.
Tim looked shattered.
Jason had watched and even been a part of Tim pushing himself past exhaustion to keep everything together, and find their father, and mourn everything he had lost, and no one had even acknowledged it.
Not even Bruce .
Jason was wrapping his arms around Tim before he could second-guess himself. He felt Tim’s arms wrap around him tightly, hands fisted into his shirt as he buried his face in Jason’s shoulder. He held Tim for a long time. The two of them, just standing in the middle of that harshly lit kitchen as Tim finally broke, and Jason tried not to follow him.
As time went on, both Jason and Tim tended to avoid the Batcave. Tim still took care of WE, but Jason noticed that he kept talking to Bruce to a minimum. They weren’t completely isolated, though. Jason had found friends in Roy Harper and Koriand’r. Arsenal and Starfire. Tim had found friends in Cassie Sandsmark, Kon-El, and Rachel Roth. Wonder Girl, Superboy, and Raven.
The first time Jason had realized that he had feelings for Tim had been when Tim had asked him to go to one of the Wayne Charity Galas. He had watched Tim rush through explaining that he knows Jason doesn’t like the galas and wouldn’t ask him to go, but none of his friends were available, and he really didn’t want to go alone, not when he knew that Bruce and the others would be there.
Jason had put his hands on Tim’s shoulders, almost framing his neck, to get Tim to look at him. “Of course, I’ll go with you. You just have to ask.”
When Jason picked up Tim to go to the gala, he was stunned by how good Tim looked in his suit. Jason belatedly schooled his features and told Tim that he cleaned up nice, and Jason didn’t miss the way that Tim’s cheeks colored at Jason’s compliment.
Throughout the early part of the gala, Jason would go to grab Tim and himself either something to drink or snack on and he would return an uncomfortable Tim with someone trying to flirt with him. Jason did his very best to squash his possessiveness as he would return to Tim’s side and hand him the snack or drink and efficiently wipe the leering looks off the faces of Tim’s harassers.
When Tim had suggested that they dance, for the sole reason of minimizing his harassers of course , Jason agreed. It was never anything fancy, just a basic waltz. One of Jason’s hands on Tim’s waist, and Tim’s hand closer to the back of Jason’s neck, then on his shoulder. Neither of them questioning the closeness with which they danced, it just felt natural.
It was near the end of the gala that Tim and Jason ran into any real trouble. Dick had come up to them after they had removed themselves from the dance floor. Jason would’ve throttled the older man if it hadn’t been for Tim placing his hand around Jason’s wrist, and squeezing in gently. Take a breath . Jason nodded roughly at Tim and started taking deep breaths to get control of his simmering rage for Dick’s actions. Jason let Tim talk to Dick, and excuse them from the conversation as quickly as possible. Tim had led Jason away, never letting go of his wrist.
After that night, Tim asked Jason first whenever he had to go to those kinds of events. Jason always said yes.
It had taken Tim being off-world with the titans for more than two weeks, for Jason to recognize that he could feel happiness and love again. That the gaping hole in Jason’s chest had started to fill. Heal. The conclusion that he had fallen in love with Tim should’ve probably been more alarming than it was. It just made sense, though.
The first time Jason and Tim had seen each other was when Tim had returned with the titans. Both of them had been smiling like idiots as soon as they caught sight of each other and hugged as soon as they were within touching distance.
Jason had been living in Tim’s apartment for a few months before Tim and the titans had gone on their mission. It was a two-bedroom apartment, after all. It had just felt natural to live together, just another natural progression in their relationship.
The first time that they slept in the same bed together had been that same night of Tim’s return to Earth. Jason had ordered them pizza while Tim showered and cleaned up, before they ate and ended up on Tim’s bed, watching a movie. Both of them had been too tired and happy to stay awake for the entirety of the movie.
When they woke up late in the morning, neither one wanted to extricate themselves from the comfortable tangle of limbs they had become during the night. It wasn’t until Tim’s stomach had growled in protest of the lack of food, that Jason laughed lightly and went to make the two of them breakfast.
Their first kiss, and the tipping point of their relationship going from platonic to romantic, happened a few days later. Tim had spent almost 3 whole days awake, trying to catch up on everything he had missed from WE. It was the morning of the fourth day, and Jason had entered the kitchen to find Tim sitting at the kitchen island typing away at his laptop. Jason greeted Tim with a good morning, before heading towards the fridge. He heard Tim’s distracted hum but had missed Tim going to drink more coffee and realize his mug was empty. When Jason settled on making toast and eggs for breakfast for the two of them. When Tim casually kissed him on the lips with a quiet “good morning” before returning to his seat at the kitchen island with a refilled mug of coffee, Jason didn’t question it.
It wasn’t until Jason was waiting on the toast that his brain actually addressed what had happened. “Wait!” Jason turned to look at Tim. “You kissed me!”
There was only a second of delay in Tim understanding what Jason had just said. Tim’s head had whipped up to meet Jason’s eyes so fast he could’ve gotten whiplash. “I—Uh…Sorry?” Tim’s voice was small, confused, and a little mortified. His face almost as red as his uniform.
“Do you actually feel that way about me?” Jason’s voice wavered only slightly. The fear that Tim hadn’t actually meant it seeping into his chest. He would understand, of course. Tim had been up for the past three days and could’ve thought he was someone else.
“Yes…” Tim’s voice was certain, but nervous.
“Then you have nothing to be sorry for.” Jason told him, as he walked around to the same side of the kitchen island as Tim. Tim turned in his chair to face Jason, as Jason gently placed a hand on either side of Tim’s face. Guiding Tim to look at him. “Especially considering the fact that I feel the same way about you.” Jason’s smile was gentle and small, but genuine, nonetheless. Jason’s smile only grew in response to Tim’s, at Jason’s statement. “Can I kiss you?” Jason’s voice was softer this time.
“Yes… A million times, yes.” Tim had said breathlessly. This time, the kiss lasted longer, it was more genuine and less distracted. When they broke apart, they were both a little breathless, foreheads together as they each took in the development.
Jason had a much easier time convincing Tim to get some rest after that.
Saying and meaning it when they said ‘I love you’ was easy. Neither of them could imagine life without the other, and neither did they want to.
Jason remembers one of the shortest periods in his young life, before his death, when he had felt comfortable enough to share his intense emotions with Bruce and Alfred and knowing that it was safe. That he could feel and express the intense joy he got from books, and reading, and just learning new things. He knew he would never quite get that back. His death and resurrection had stolen too much from him. The joy and safety that came with being in love, and a relationship, with Tim, was different, but no less intense and amazing.