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Yami was going to talk to Julius about the recruitable age of Magic Knights. Make no mistake, Yami did not care that fifteen year olds were being put in dangerous or life threatening situations. He didn’t care that they could be drafted to go to war if the situation called for it. He cared that almost none of these brats knew how to do basic home skills. Yami had a whole list of qualifications to add to his resume if he ever wanted to change jobs. It was bad enough that Finral hadn’t known how to do laundry, cook, or clean when he’d been recruited at age 15 (spoiled noble brat), but now he had a whole squad he had to actually teach things. Sure, he could make Finral do it but Finral still didn’t understand why his whites and colors had to be separated.
After the Magic Knights Exam, Yami had been annoyed when he learned that Finral couldn’t portal them back to the base until he’d been there himself so they flew home on brooms, which took an hour. What was the point of a magic carpet that couldn’t take you where you wanted to go?
“This is home. You cook for yourself,” Yami said.
“Uhh…”
“What?” Yami said. He thought nobles were supposed to be well spoken. This kid had been stuttering since he met Yami.
“I don’t know how to cook,” Finral said and it was already seven p.m. Yami pinched the bridge of his nose. Great. When they checked the fridge, Yami realized they had to go shopping because the only thing in there was an empty milk carton that Yami had finished that morning.
At least Finral’s spatial magic was useful now.
“C-captain?” 15 year Finral asked timidly.
“Told you, it’s just Yami,” he rolled his eyes.
“Y-Y-Yami,” Finral said. He started mumbling, looking down at his feet.
“Spit it out, Magic Carpet. I don’t got all day,” Yami snapped.
“I… the maid hasn’t come to take my clothes,” Finral said, blushing red from head to toe. He hurried on to add, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble—”
“Do you see anyone besides us and Henry living here? You think if we had a maid, this dump would look like this?” Yami snapped. “You’re your own maid, rich boy.” If possible, Finral turned even redder. “What now?”
“I don’t know how to do laundry…” Finral said. Yami groaned and put his newspaper to the side.
“Grab your clothes,” Yami said.
Another day, Finral came home excited. He told Yami all about his date and how pretty she was. He talked about how her hair was a chocolate brown and her eyes were green as emeralds. He had told her about how pretty she looked and asked her out and she had said yes! Yami chuckled, enjoying how excited the teenager was.
“Use protection,” he said. Finral stared blankly at him. “You know, a condom?” The blank stare didn’t leave Finral’s face and Yami wanted to quit.
Something had to be said about the change in Finral and Yami’s relationship after that. Apparently they’d bonded because Finral never called Yami “captain” again after that lesson.
Vanessa had gone through many phases while trying to find herself. Like Finral, she hadn’t known how to cook or clean because someone had done that for her. She’d just been kept in a cage. She’d tried to pawn them off onto Finral, but Yami wasn’t going to do it for her and he pointed out that Finral wouldn’t be infatuated with her forever. Also, Finral as a teenager couldn’t even look at lingerie without fainting and his tendency to slack off won out over the affections of an unattainable, pretty girl.
“Finral, can you help me with this?” Vanessa said, batting her eyes, holding out her laundry basket. Yami snorted and shook his head as Finral jumped to cater to the girl, eager to please. If only Yami was a pretty girl. Then he could get Finral to do things quickly instead of the slacker who complained about everything.
“FINRAL!” Vanessa shrieked about two hours later. Finral jumped and even Yami looked up. Since the girl had followed him home from the witch’s forest, he hadn’t heard her yell like that.
“Is-is everything okay, Vanessa?” Finral asked.
“Why are my clothes two sizes smaller than when I gave them to you?!” Vanessa demanded.
“I-I don't know! I did the same thing with yours as I do my own clothes!” Finral said, cowering behind Yami. Yami sighed, lighting a cigarette.
“Well you obviously did something wrong!” Vanessa said. “And you didn’t even wash my bras or underwear!” Finral turned beat red and Yami was now laughing openly at Finral’s expense.
“I-i-i-i-it’s improper to look at a lady’s undergarments!” Finral said. Finral was becoming such a flirt but he was still a virgin.
“That’s enough,” Yami said when Vanessa started yelling again. “What’d you think was gonna happen when you asked a spoiled, rich noble to take care of your chores? You. Take care of your own shit. You. Don’t agree to things you aren’t gonna do.” He looked at Finral and Vanessa individually.
Both looked at the ground, ashamed as they mumbled, "yes, Yami," and “yes, captain” respectively.
The next lesson Yami had to teach them was about drinking. Since Finral had stopped viewing Vanessa as someone he could possibly date, they struck up a banter. They had running jokes about flirting but both knew it was never going to go anywhere. Since Finral had become more comfortable with saying no to Vanessa, they would compete to see how long it took before Vanessa could get Finral to agree to something.
Yami came home to find Vanessa drunk for the first time snoring soundly next to a pile of her bile. Judging by the bottles next to her, Yami hoped that Finral was drinking too. Either way, Vanessa would have one hell of a hangover. Yami picked Vanessa up, ignored her flirtatious advances (which was made easier because her breath smelled like vomit), moving her into the bathroom next to the toilet. Yami held her hair as she puked.
“Where’s Finral? He better not have left you alone like this,” Yami said.
“Raque,” Vanessa said between pukes.
“What?”
And so, Yami had to go hunt down his spatial mage and imposed a “Finral is not allowed to drink with his grimoire rule ever again” rule. Yami had enjoyed yelling at Finral when he found him. The terrible hangover Finral had only made it better.
Gordon had thankfully known the basics of taking care of himself. He usually only had questions about how to clean something like when bacon grease wouldn’t come off the pan. Yami had just told him to throw the pan out but Grey had been the one to fix it. The answer was putting water and a bit of baking soda in the pan and letting it gently boil until the grease rose to the top. Who knew?
The next weird thing Gordon had done was take up ventriloquism. As if the guy wasn’t terrifying enough, now he was walking around with an equally creepy doll. Then the thing had started talking when Gordon wasn’t even there . Talk about nightmares. The rest of the squad had nominated (read: forced) Yami to talk to Gordon.
“C-Captain?” Vanessa said tentatively. Finral cowered behind her.
“I’m busy,” Yami grunted even though he was only reading a paper.
“It’s important, Yami,” Finral said.
“Deal with it yourselves,” Yami said.
“We tried,” Vanessa said.
“We’re terrified,” Finral said and Vanessa nodded tenaciously next to him.
“What?” Yami grunted, putting the paper down.
“You tell him,” Vanessa hissed.
“You said you were going to talk to him!” Finral hissed back.
“ Someone had better start talking,” Yami snapped. Vanessa squared her shoulders. Of course it was her.
“You know the new recruit, Gordon?” Vanessa asked.
“I recruited him,” Yami acknowledged.
“He has a dummy,” Vanessa said.
“It’s terrifying!” Finral emphasized, looking over his shoulder nervously.
“So the guy likes dolls. Don’t hear him saying anything about your romance book collection, Finral, or your wine collection, Vanessa,” Yami said.
“It’d be fine if it was just the creepy doll, but it talked, Yami!” Finral said.
“Gordon wasn’t even in the room!” Vanessa whined. “It’s cursed!”
Yami groaned and got up to talk to Gordon.
“Hey, I get that you’re shy, but that creepy dummy ain’t doin’ you any favors,” Yami said. Vanessa and Finral did have a point. It was terrifying. Gordon looked at his hands to Yami’s horror, he began to cry. Yami didn’t get paid enough for this. “Why are you carrying that thing around anyways?”
It took a little bit for Gordon to stop crying and even longer for Yami to be able to hear what he was saying.
“Look, Vanessa and Finral aren’t scared of you. They’re scared of your dummy,” Yami said. “Yeah, you’re a weirdo but so are they. They’re in the Black Bulls after all. Talk to them without the dummy and see how it goes.”
Yami didn’t normally go to the Magic Knights Exams but he made a deal with Gordon that he’d get rid of the dummy in exchange for Yami getting more members for the Black Bulls. Finral and Vanessa had been more than happy to welcome Gordon into their little club when they realized he didn’t have the dummy anymore.
Yami had to admit he had fun destroying the dummy.
Grey was probably the most well rounded member he’d recruited. That was probably because she had been older than fifteen when she'd made Yami laugh and taken the offer to join his squad. She knew how to cook, clean, and look after her hygiene. One time she had run out of pads and had been too mortified to ask anyone to help her until Yami went up to her room and told her to transform into him so she could tell him what was wrong. That mission had gone to Vanessa but Yami went anyway to buy chocolate and lend his wallet to the cause. If she wanted to hide behind her magic, then Yami sure as hell wasn’t going to stop her. She’d come out of her shell when she was good and ready.
Gauche had been one of his bigger headaches. Sure, Yami had dumped the entirety of paperwork allowing a convict to join the squad on Finral, but Gauche still had his problems. Used to living on the streets, it had taken him a long time to figure out that his squadmates weren’t going to screw him over.
He never sat with his back to the others. He was always on guard. Yami knew he hid food in case he ever had to go back on the run, which he didn’t care about as long as it didn’t spoil. However, a few stashes had gone moldy because Henry kept switching the base around and Gauche would lose track of where they were. Yami had to pull Gauche aside and talk to him about it. He taught Gauche how to preserve meat in salt and what kinds of food would last longer. Yami warned him to switch his stash out before it molded and stunk up the base or their landlord would kick them out. Henry hadn’t been happy when one of the stashes ended up near his room because he hadn’t known about it.
Henry was generally lonely. Even Yami couldn’t hang out with Henry often because of how much mana Henry took away from him. Yami had a hard time keeping a caretaker because they were all fearful of Henry’s cursed mana. He’d had to give Henry a couple sponge baths back in the day because he wasn’t just going to let the man sit in grime. However, with all the new additions to the squad, Henry was pretty capable of doing basic hygiene practices on his own. Henry was surprisingly an introvert, however. Probably from spending years alone, Henry could still only tolerate an hour of company before he retreated back to his room. Yami didn’t blame him. The bulls were a chaotic bunch.
Charmy usually forgot to do everything except for eating. Sometimes she’d eat until she fell asleep and Yami had to move her to her room. He also had to manage her spending because she’d run herself (and the squad) bankrupt because she spent all her money on food and ingredients. Yami put her on an allowance that he made Finral enforce. Of course, Charmy was a demon when it came to the kitchen. Her kitchen was immaculate and if anyone ruined a pan or tried cooking in it, she would destroy them. There had been a wordless agreement not to use Charmy’s kitchen anymore after Finral and Vanessa had drunkenly tried cooking and made a mess of things.
Magna knew the basics of self care and cooking, having grown up poor. His mom had forced him to learn the basics until Magna had fallen in with the wrong crowd and turned into a delinquent. Yami mostly had to teach Magna that he wasn’t the top dog anymore. Although Seihi had knocked Magna’s ego down a few notches, Yami still had his work cut out for him. Among Magna’s list of offenses were: coming home at 3 a.m. and waking everyone up, trying to intimidate his squadmates, and ignoring authority.
Coming home at 3 a.m. was only an option if he didn’t wake Yami up. After Yami had thrown him through a wall, he got that message. Vanessa just laughed when he tried to intimidate her. Finral was nervous at first (sheltered, noble brat), but he eventually started just avoiding Manga and Magna gave up trying. He was honestly too scared of Gordon to even go near him. Gauche had put Magna in his place and Magna hadn’t tried again after that. Yami didn’t care so much if Magna ignored authority as long as it wasn’t his authority. It hadn’t been too hard kicking Magna into shape.
Next came Luck. Luck was an odd duck and Yami didn’t care so much about what he did. Sometimes Luck just needed an extra reminder to do things like eat, sleep, bathe… he got so distracted about wanting to fight, he really didn’t care about anything else. Yami just usually had to grab him by the collar and order him to clean up.
Asta’s major problem was he did too much. He cooked, he cleaned, he worked out. His tenacity was an admirable character trait but he worked himself to the bone. He refused to rest even when he was sick. He still tried to do all the chores and take care of everything. Yami had to sit on the kid a few times to prove he was too weak to lift the captain off of him. That always managed to keep Asta down for a day or two. If that didn’t work, Yami usually ordered Finral to go get Sister Lily, the only person Asta would listen to besides Yami in that situation.
For a nun, that woman sure was terrifying.
Noelle had a similar list of shortcomings that Finral had had. She hadn’t known how to cook (she still didn’t know how to cook). Although, since the addition of Charmy, Yami didn’t have to worry about his squad being fed. The first time she had done laundry, she had turned everyone’s whites pink. Yami didn’t even know where she got something red because as far as he knew, none of his squad members even wore red. However, she had done the laundry. Yami had to reward that.
So, in his baby pink shirt, Yami went to have a word with Julius about the proper recruitment age of Magic Knights.