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Buck parked his car to his usual spot and looked at his wristwatch. He was earlier than he usually was, around the same time Eddie came to work. He felt like something moved in his guts, but he ignored it right away and instead took out his bag and headed towards the station. As he stepped inside the doors, from the corner of his eye, he could see shapes of photo frames, which he always ignored and just kept walking past them. It was a wall dedicated to firefighters who had retired or died in duty. Buck had always felt uncomfortable to just know that there were pictures of people who had given their lives for the job. Even though he would do the same, in a heart beat. At least he used to.
Buck found Eddie in the locker rooms, just as he had expected. They exchanged a few words of Christopher, before heading to the lounge. The day started out slow. They ate some breakfast and started to play some pool, while the conversation turned to christening. Buck wasn't sure which one brought the subject up first, him or Eddie. But he tried his best to keep the thoughts that crossed his mind to himself. Eddie acted like going to christening wasn't a big deal, but of course it was, just like in the Godfather.
”What are we talking about?” Chimney appeared beside Bobby with a full bowl of popcorns, that's how slow their morning was.
”Don't you think in the opening scene of the Godfather, they take the next step and become serious, when introducing the other to the whole family?” Buck included Chim to the conversation. Knowing he knew movies best. Buck had tried to memorize more from iconic movies, but he just couldn't concentrate that much. He preferred documentaries, which actually taught you something useful.
Eddie raised his eyebrows at him, but he seemed to contemplate the thought.
”I'm pretty sure the christening is the last scene of the Godfather.” Bobby argued with him light-heartedly and stepped up to make his move on the pool game. ”You'll guys have a great time.”
Buck could practically feel Eddie's eyes on him and he looked up to meet his gaze. Something stirred in his guts again. It was something in the way Eddie was looking at him, with a soft smile playing on his lips, like he was proud. Buck had to look away.
”Christopher is really looking forward to it.” Eddie told them as Buck rounded the pool to sit down and wait for his next turn. ”He even agreed to let me buy him a new suit. We tried the old one last night, barely made it past his elbows. I swear that kid's shot up like a weed.”
Buck had a flashback of seeing Christopher try on his old suit. It was weird, since he couldn't remember seeing Chris in one. He suddenly felt his heart beat catch up and he swallowed hard. He felt a little dizzy and was glad to be able to sit down. He thought he heard Hen laugh to Eddie's comment.
”Last time he wore it, it fit him. That was in his mother's funeral.”
Eddie's words made Buck feel even more sick. Funeral... He then heard his phone buzz against the table next to him and he quickly picked it up to get his mind somewhere else. To his regret, the message that popped up wasn't really soothing: a tsunami alert.
”Earthquake alert.” Bobby read out from his phone.
Buck looked up at Eddie, only then feeling himself calm down a little. ”Uh- mine's a tsunami alert.”
Eddie took out his phone. ”Mudslide warning.”
”Why isn't the bell going off?” Buck looked around, expecting the ringing to start at any second, but nothing happened. His heart beat had gotten faster again.
”Evidently I'm calling 9-1-1.” Hen showed her phone then and they were all left confused. What was going on?
They handled a few odd calls, before one of them led them to the cardiology ward as they had three possible heart attacks in their hands. Buck was wheeling their first victim inside, together with Eddie, when one of the cardiologist called out Eddie's last name. Buck's sensed sharpened and he looked between the two in confusion. Eddie looked like he couldn't get out of the situation fast enough and he pointed for Buck to continue. Bobby walked in behind them, but he didn't say a word. He didn't even seem to react to the conversation that had been going on.
Buck's mind was fuzzy, and as he sat there, ventilating one of the patients. He tried to replay the conversation Eddie had had with the doctor. If she recognized Eddie, she must've treated him personally, and she was a cardiologist. Slowly, he turned around to face Eddie, who was calmly doing the same task to another patient, raising his eyebrow when he noticed him looking.
”Hey, what was with that doctor on the way in?” He questioned, not quite sure if he wanted an answer, but his worry got the better of him. ”Why was she asking if you were alright?”
”It was nothing. I wasn't feeling well the other day, so... she checked me out.” Eddie answered like it was no big deal.
”She's a cardiologist. At a hospital. Are you saying you had a heart attack?”
”No.” Eddie said with a pointed tone. ”I'm not saying I had a heart attack. I'm saying the opposite. I didn't have a heart attack.”
”But you did think that you were having a heart attack.” Buck kept on pushing, even though he saw the way Eddie looked around nervously, clearly not wanting to go through this conversation here of all places.
”Can we just drop this?” Eddie's jaw tensed and he looked at him meaningfully, silently wishing him to shut up as Chim and Hen walked towards them.
”Think the trauma bay's on its feet for now.” Chimney called out. ”We did all we could. Little snip here, little stitch there.”
”You want us to tag you out?” Hen asked as she picked some gloves for herself.
They let them take over, although Buck was pretty sure Chim and Hen went both to his patient, but he was too busy watching Eddie's retreating back like a hawk. His senses were tingling and until he knew for sure what was wrong with Eddie, he knew his mind wouldn't be at ease. He glanced around to see the doctor again, but she was nowhere to be found.
It wasn't long after, when the blackout happened and just as the team gathered together, they heard a loud noise as the helicopter crashed to the roof. Buck hated the idea that Hen and Eddie would go inside of it, but the lines were still holding the copter and since Eddie knew about helicopters the most from all five of them, it was reasonable to send him inside. But then the helicopter fell, not completely, but it tipped over the edge, leaving it hanging only by the wire and Eddie almost fell out from the pilot's side door. Buck felt his whole body go cold. It was hard to breathe. He more heard than felt himself taking deep, frantic breaths, until he saw Eddie crawl back inside.
”We're okay! We're okay!” Hen kept repeating, to calm the helicopter's hurt paramedic, but Buck felt her words have an calming effect on himself as well.
They lowered the board inside to get the paramedic secured in it. Chimney had an idea to bring the firehose and Bobby dropped it in after the board.
”Secure this on the board!” He yelled down as Buck went to take a hold of the hose behind Bobby.
Buck couldn't see inside the helicopter from where he was standing, but he thought he heard Eddie respond to Bobby and secure the hose. But just as they were about to pull the man out, the paramedic remembered the heart transplant the helicopter had been carrying. Buck peeked over the edge of the building, to see Eddie trying to reach it, but he couldn't get to it. It was clear they needed the paramedic out first, to get more room to move inside the helicopter.
Buck helped Bobby get the paramedic up with the board, when the wires started to stretch and the helicopter sank. Buck turned around to help them as fast as he could. He had turned his back to them only for a few seconds, and he was already close to losing them. He felt his heart beat fast against his rib cage as Bobby and Chimney helped Hen up. Buck lingered at the edge, ready to leap down to save Eddie in case the helicopter started to fall, but luckily he was able to get out before that. It had been a close call, since only few minutes passed, and the lines gave in, making the helicopter fall down multiple storeys. But Bobby was able to save the heart, and they were all safe. Buck swallowed down the feeling of almost losing his friends. He looked over at Eddie, but for some reason that terrifying feeling returned immediately.
It was later that day, when Ana and Christopher visited the fire station. Buck gave the kid the biggest hug, even though it hadn't been long since he had seen him, but hugging him always made Buck feel better. Eddie smiled at his son from where he was standing. Buck thought for a moment that he saw sadness in his eyes, but didn't know why.
After he put Chris back down, he noticed Ravi looking at them almost nervously.
”Oh, Ravi this is Christopher. Christopher this is Ravi Panikkar.”
”You're a firefighter?” Chris asked curiously, with a mischievous smile on his face, making Buck smile even wider.
”I'm what they call a probationary firefighter.” Ravi explained to him.
”Did you do something wrong?”
”Constantly.” Buck said with a wry smile on his face, making Ana laugh and Christopher grin.
The conversation was followed by an odd silence that lingered in the air. Buck looked up from Christopher to Eddie, who seemed completely oblivious about it and only kept on staring at his son in awe. Ravi shifter beside him nervously.
”I'm Ana.” Ana finally broke the awkward silence and held out her hand to Ravi, who politely shook it.
”Hi, you must be Eddie's wife? I'm-”
”No. Just a- just a friend.” She corrected with almost a sad smile.
Buck felt his chest tighten and he licked his lips nervously. He kept his eyes on Eddie, who looked like he was panicking. He wished he could snap him out of it, to address the feeling, but he knew bringing it up in front of other people would only make Eddie shut down. So, all he could do was to observe and escape the situation soon after Eddie did.
Since when had Eddie panicked? That was exactly what Buck asked from him, when sitting opposite of him to the work out bench. He had never had an panic attack, but he could imagine what it would feel like and it seemed so far from Eddie's usual calm thinking and acting. So out of character. It nagged him, in the back of his mind, but he pushed the thought away. Eddie got shot... so it wasn't a surprise that he was panicking.
Buck knew it was unfair to drag Ana along. That's what he told Eddie. He should've broken up with her much sooner, but he hadn't and now Buck had to step in. Ana was great with Christopher, just like Eddie said, but she didn't deserve to get stuck to a relationship that wasn't going to happen, just so she could take care of Christopher.
So, Buck was glad to learn the next day that Eddie was going to take his advice. Buck felt confident it would go well, but he felt bad at the same time. He knew Eddie had wished it to work out and that Christopher would miss her. But it was best this way, they could move on without her.
Then Maddie left. Buck wasn't sure how he was handling it. Or if he was handling it at all. He had much more important things to worry about. But she also made him promise to make sure Chimney and Jee-Yun were doing okay, but of course they weren't doing okay. Buck decided to give Chim some time to calm down, but the man was spiraling and it got to the point, when Buck confessed of being in contact with Maddie, that Chimney punched him.
Buck texted Eddie after he had recovered from the initial shock, telling him what had happened and Eddie replied he would come visit after he dropped Christopher off to school in the morning. Buck felt a little better to know that, and even more better when Eddie offered him a bag of ice and a beer. The best therapy there was. They hang outside on the balcony. Buck liked to spend time there after spending a long time away from his loft. It felt busy with all the cars down at the street making noise. Something so different from the silence and emptiness of his own apartment.
Eddie tried to reassure him, to make him know that he wasn't responsible of Maddie or her actions. He needed to give her and Chimney space to work out their relationship and her depression. Buck was so grateful to have Eddie here. He wondered if he should say it out loud, but it felt like it would somehow cross the line. That fine line they had drawn and were careful not to cross over.
Buck's world seemed to turn upside down after that day. Like Chimney's punch had swirled his life around. He had a nagging feeling that he had forgotten something. Something important, that made him feel like something was about to happen and Buck hated that feeling. He felt uneasy. All the time.
Or maybe that something had already happened. Maddie leaving surely could be that caused his anxiety to kick in, but it wasn't just that. There was something else, but the harder he thought about it, the harder his mind seemed to repulse, making him know that if he dived inside those thoughts, he would get lost in them. Drown and never find his way back. It was an odd feeling. Like he was trying to protect himself from something, even though he couldn't pin point what that something was.
Then he was given the responsibility to train Ravi. That responsibility was almost the cause for him to drown. His mind kept on reminding him that he needed to turn Ravi into the best firefighter LA had ever seen. To make him like Eddie, so he would save lives like Eddie had... since he was a paramedic now, paired together with Hen. Buck hated it. He wanted to see Eddie, to be by his side, to make sure nothing happened to him. But he had this responsibility and he needed to see it through. Sometimes, he thought he saw Bobby or Hen look at him. Like they were extremely sad for some reason. Like they pitied him. Sometimes that look was more like concern. And he knew they were questioning his ability to work, but he did well. But maybe... maybe he should change stations. To avoid those eyes, since they knew him so well.
It was his fault after all. That their team was broken. Chimney had left to find Maddie, and Eddie was so far away from him. Ravi could easily replace him. But as Eddie said, who would replace him? Nobody. Was the first thought that came to Buck's mind, and he smiled to Eddie's comment. You're stuck with us. Buck looked at Eddie, sitting so far from him at the end of the table and he knew he was right. Eddie was always right. He needed to stay. To keep them all safe from now on.
But then the prison riot happened. That call was the one that would lead Buck to dive in that thought in his head and drown.
The moment Buck saw the gun that was pointed at him as he was driving the ambulance, he felt rage and fear bubble inside his chest. That gun could easily take Eddie away from him. It had taken Eddie away from him... almost.
Buck was forced to pull over to a remote part of the city, and he was ordered to get outside. Eddie stepped out from the back of the ambulance, together with the other prisoner, who was holding a gun as well. Buck felt sick.
They were lined up, and for a moment Buck thought they would be shot there and then. Why would they need them anymore? At least they would go together, but who would take care of Christopher then? Buck felt guilty then. He shouldn't think this way. If Eddie knew, he would've scolded him. Buck glanced towards his friend, who seemed concerned, but calm. Buck wished he could be that calm under a pressure.
Then one of the prisoners went through their pockets, taking out his phone and wallet. Buck felt useless and he sought out comfort from Eddie.
”So, what do we do?” He whispered to Eddie as soon as the men were out of their hearing range.
”Don't know yet.” Eddie replied, keeping his eyes fixed at the prisoners, his mind working million miles per second.
”Maybe they just want the ambulance?” Buck offered, wishing Eddie would agree and ease his mind. He wasn't good in these kind of situations like Eddie was.
But Eddie did not agree.
Then the other prisoner opened his wallet and took out a picture of Christopher.
”Cute kid, yours?”
Buck felt like throwing up. He glanced once again at Eddie, who looked furious, his jaw was set but he only stood there, taking it all in. Buck felt like panicking. He needed to keep Christopher safe. He was entrusted to keep Christopher safe and he was failing.
”I'm guessing he lives with you at 4995 South Bedford Street”
”Hey, man, hey...” Buck had to do something, so he stepped towards the guy. He would do anything to negotiate the guy from ever mentioning Christopher again.
But then he was pistol whipped, straight to his forehead. He grunted in pain and stumbled back. After the worst pain faded, he looked up at Eddie, feeling like he had failed him.
Buck sat beside Eddie at the back of the ambulance, as the other prisoner was driving and the other was still pointing the gun at him. Mitchell, was this guy's name. A murdered, he told them, but Buck wasn't certain he believed him. But at least he didn't seem unfamiliar holding a gun. Not that he knew much about guns, but there was something in the way he was handling it, firm but gentle, to not set it off by accident. God, Buck hated guns. He glanced towards Eddie, who was looking with concern at the prison guard. He followed Eddie's gaze to the man, who was gurgling out blood.
”Is he alright?” Mitchell asked.
Buck only stared.
”Hey, make sure he isn't dying here!” Mitchell suddenly raised his voice. Like they weren't already doing everything they could.
”Buck.”
Buck turned to look at Eddie, only then noticing that he wasn't sucking the blood away from the patient's airways. He just sat there, looking at him.
Of course Eddie wasn't doing anything. Buck was closest to the suction tube. It was his job to hand it to Eddie, but for some reason his body refused to co-operate and instead of making a move to take the tube, he just sat there.
”Buck, you need to do as he says.” Eddie insisted and Buck knew he needed to, but he was paralyzed with fear.
”Buck.” Eddie repeated his name again and looked straight at him. Buck couldn't breathe. He just stared back at Eddie. That something, in the back of his mind, knew what was coming and he tried to prepare for it. ”I need you to get through this. For Christopher.”
”Wh-what?” Buck barely managed a word out with the stoic state he was in.
Eddie was looking so softly at him and then he smiled, a sorrowful smile, which made something unpleasant go through Buck's guts.
”Eddie...”
Mitchell said something, but Buck couldn't hear him. It felt like he was in completely different world.
”Buck, you need to snap out of it. You need to do as they say and get out of here alive.” Eddie said to him, his voice calm like always, but Buck could still hear the emotions in it. ”Buck, you need to let me go.”
Buck felt like a lightning strike had gone through his whole body and a flash of light crossed his eyesight. His whole body jerked and Mitchell pointed his gun at him.
”N-no, Eddie, you- you are...”
”I'm dead, Buck. I'm just your imagination. The conversations we had... they weren't real.”
Buck's mind started to race, back to the moment he watched Eddie close his eyes underneath that fire truck. He had crawled to him, reached out for his hand and pulled him to safety. But it had been too late. The bullet had cut through Eddie's artery. He was still alive then, but as they managed to get Eddie to the back of the truck, he opened his eyes one last time with a great effort. It took him a while to concentrate his gaze at anything, but then his eyes had been on his.
”Buck... are you hurt?
”No, no, no, I'm okay. Just hang on, Eds. I need you to hang on.”
Eddie had tried, Buck knew that, but he saw the life escape him. Those fiery eyes grew dim, his head lolled to his side and then he stared at into nothingness. Buck knew he was gone before anybody told him, but his mind refused to believe it. He looked up in shock at the 126 paramedic who was still trying to keep pressure on Eddie's wound, but then she met his eyes and shook her head with teary eyes before letting her hand go. Letting Eddie go. Her hand was covered in blood, Eddie's blood. She said something about losing too much blood, but Buck couldn't comprehend it.
The next thing Buck remembered clearly was when he sat down to the edge of Christopher's bed and broke down completely when he told the kid his dad hadn't made it. They had both screamed and cried, thinking how unfair it all was. But at some point when everybody were slowly moving on, Buck had gotten stuck and Eddie... Eddie had just stayed around and Buck accepted it as a fact, not wanting to let go.
No. No, Buck refused to believe it. Eddie wasn't gone. He had been there right beside him.
He had talked to Eddie. Right in the middle of the fire station about his relationship with Ana. How come anyone hadn't said a thing to him if he had talked to a thin air, but then again... He had made sure himself that no one was close enough to hear their talk. Or maybe, maybe he had just sat there alone, having that conversation only in his own head. Was that sort of thing even possible? He tried hard to find a moment where he had seen Eddie talk with someone else, but he couldn't.
Buck came around momentarily as Mitchell said something and he shook his head, trying to sort his head out, but he couldn't concentrate.
”Cute kid, yours?”
It hadn't been Eddie's wallet Mitchell had held, but his. Buck remembered when Bobby handed him Eddie's stuff from his locker. For the longest time he hadn't touched them, but then opened Eddie's wallet, finding that photo of Christopher in it, plain in sight. He had put it to the safety of his own wallet. He wanted to get a photo of Eddie in it as well.
No. He didn't need Eddie's photo there. Eddie was alive. He could see him every day.
Eddie was-
Buck snapped out of his thoughts and he turned his head sharply to look at Eddie, but there was no one sitting there. Eddie was gone. For a long while, Buck just sat there, staring at the space Eddie had occupied just seconds ago. He was really gone.
”Are you deaf or something?” Mitchell's voice made Buck look at him and see the barrel of a gun pointed towards him. The man looked frustrated, clearly not understanding what Buck was going through. ”Save that man for god's sake!”
Buck looked down at the guard, struggling to breathe as he suffocated to his own blood. Buck's mind was blank. What did he need to do? What would Eddie do in this situation? He would know. Buck was useless, he knew nothing. He was no medic. He was no father. How could he go through this?
”Evan, Christopher needs you.”
It sounded like Eddie was standing right there beside him. It felt so vivid that Buck had to turn his head and check, but of course there was no one there. His yes landed on the instrument and like in an autopilot, he reached over to take it and occupied Eddie's chair to start working. He had seen this happen many times before, he could do this. He needed to do this.
They stopped in front of the hospital. In the back of his mind Buck was surprised that they really came here, but that thought didn't really cross his mind and instead, he only listened at the vitals of his patient, his mind blank.
”Get this nutjob out of here.” He heard Mitchell say and Buck had to blink to realize the gun was once again pointed at his direction, indicating for him to leave.
He got up slowly and without a word helped the other prisoner to get the gurney outside. Mitchell closed the doors of the ambulance, and for a split of a second, Buck thought he saw Eddie still sitting there. He had to shook his head. Eddie was gone. The thought sent a cold chill down his whole body and it was a miracle that he was able to move his legs at all. He wished he could walk back in there, to hold on to Eddie and never let go. To live in this fantasy world he had created for them, but he knew what Eddie said was right, even though it was actually his mind saying it. He needed to move on. Christopher needed him, and not just a shadow of him.
Buck felt the push against his back before he could register the shouts, ordering him to get down to the floor. He just laid there, silent, waiting for the SWAT team to let him go. Athena's voice seemed to come from somewhere far away. She held on to his arm as he got back up to his feet, which felt like lead.
”Buck, you okay?”
Buck looked at her and he nearly asked her to get Eddie to safety, when he realized how crazy that would sound and instead he shook his head. She took him to see a doctor, who declared him healthy, if the bruise on his head didn't count and the state of mind.
Athena escorted him to one of the hospital beds. He barely registered sitting on it.
Six months. It had been six months since Eddie had died and only now Buck really came to realize it. With shaky hands, he took out his phone and went through it. Just to be sure. He needed concrete evidence. And when he opened the thread with Eddie, his whole body went cold and then completely numb. All the replies stopped the day before Eddie got shot. The last message Eddie had send to him was see you tomorrow. But even though Eddie's replies had stopped, Buck had send him many messages after that, including the one he told Chimney had punched him. But there was no reply from Eddie. Of course there wasn't, because Eddie was unable to reply to him anymore.
”I think I've gone insane.” Buck finally whispered to Athena's question and without even looking at her, he knew she had confusion and concern written all over her face. He wouldn't believe himself either, if he wasn't the one going through it. He then reached his hand out, handing his phone for Athena to look, to see the proof of his insanity, but his hands were numb and the phone only dropped to the floor with a dull thud, even though the floor itself was hard.
He felt like he couldn't breathe. Like the grief overtook his whole body and stopped it from functioning. He tried his best to struggle in a breath but it wasn't working. He barely registered when a nurse poked an iv through his skin and he was given something to calm his mind.
”Buck?” Athena's voice seemed to come from somewhere far away.
Was this a panic attack? It felt familiar, like he had had them before. Had he been the one to panic and not Eddie? He then remembered the moment he had to take Christopher to buy a new suit, for his father's funeral. Ana had been there to accompany them and as he had fallen, she had called an ambulance. Eddie...
He remembered the conversation around the pool. He had been certain Eddie had started the conversation, telling about the christening of Ana's sister's baby, but when Buck thought about it now, he realized Ana had in fact told him about it that morning. She had helped him out with Christopher, together with Carla. Without them he would've doubled over under the pressure. Ana had asked if he could find someone else to look after Christopher and somehow, Buck had twisted the knowledge and included Eddie in it. He had send Bobby a message, asking to get his shifts changed because of it. ”You guys will have a great time.” Bobby had said, and he had meant him and Christopher, not Ana and Eddie.
And at the hospital... there probably hadn't been any cardiologist there. He had imagined the whole scene. That's why Bobby hadn't said anything, questioned Eddie's capacity to work. How come he hadn't noticed it earlier?
He had probably panicked at the fire station as well. And instead of Eddie, he had been the one to run up the stairs and silently sobbed at the dark corner of the loft. Ana had offered to look after Christopher that day. She had been a saint after Eddie had gone, wanting to stay and help, even though she had no obligations. It had come for a surprise to her as well, when Eddie's lawyer told him about the will. Buck had been in shock at first, but when the lawyer told him he could refuse, he said he would do it. Of course he would. That had probably saved his life, if it ever could be saved. That trust Eddie had given him through the grave. If Christopher had been gone from his life as well, Buck wouldn't have survived this long. Or maybe he would've imagined Chris as well. Maybe someone would've noticed earlier and he would be in mental institute by now. Surely, that's where he belonged.
Slowly, Buck's eyes started to feel heavy, his eyesight blurred and a lonely, tired, tear escaped his eye. He tried to blink the blurriness away, but it was no use. His mind started to slow down and he laid himself down to the bed he was sitting on and closed his eyes. He thought he smelled Eddie's cologne as he drifted to sleep.
The next time Buck came to it, he was no longer in the hospital, but in his own bed. But instead of Eddie's cologne, he could smell a flower scented shampoo and once he opened his eyes, all he could see was orange. He blinked a few times and tried to bend his neck to get away from it.
”Hi, you're awake.” Taylor's voice reached his ears and suddenly her face was so close and she kissed him. ”How are you feeling? You were really out of it yesterday.”
”Y-yeah, I- uh, what time is it?” He sat up, feeling light headed. His memories were fuzzy and all over the place. Was Eddie really gone? If so, why was he in his own bed and not at home with Christopher? Had he let Eddie down by not being there with Chris?
”Buck? Buck, what's wrong?” Taylor sat up as well and looked at him with concerned expression. ”You don't have to be at work until two hours.”
Buck licked his lips slowly, keeping his eyes away from Taylor. ”W-what about Christopher?”
”Christopher? Didn't you say he's at school?” Taylor said with a fed up voice.
Buck finally looked at her and he seemed almost relieved. ”Yeah, of course...” He must've dropped Christopher to school already. Why else would he be here with Taylor? But why couldn't he remember? He should remember something so important? But his mind was so foggy and his memories all tangled up.
Without another word, Buck got up from the bed and started to put on his clothes. While he was at it, he walked inside the bathroom. As he did his business, his eyes landed on a package of bills on the counter. He remembered faintly opening it yesterday and taking two. Dr. Copeland had prescribed those for him just two days earlier. A drug for depression. After that, he didn't have much memories of last night. Buck's head throbbed from thinking and he rushed outside the bathroom and towards the stairs.
”What's the rush?” Taylor questioned, still laying on the bed.
”I-I just need to go to work a little early.” Buck told her, his voice unnaturally high pitched and a little shaky. He then leaned over her to give her a quick kiss to the cheek before practically running down the stairs. ”I'll see you later.”
Buck didn't know why he was in such a hurry. He just had a feeling that he needed the company of his 118 family. He needed to talk to Bobby. He would understand him. He had loved Eddie too, not the same way, but he had still cared. He knew how Buck felt. He was probably going to get fired, but that's what he deserved.
As he stepped inside the fire station, he almost passed the photo frames automatically, still not wanting to look at them, but then he stopped. He needed to be sure. He needed that confirmation. He knew Eddie's name would be there, among the deceased, or to put it more heroically: among the brave firefighters who gave their lives to save others. Buck didn't know how long he stood there, staring ahead of himself, but eventually he took a deep breath and turned his head to look at them. There were few faces and names there and he went through them, one by one, until they suddenly ended. No sign of Eddie. Buck blinked, was he so out of it that he had missed it? He read them through once more, but still couldn't find Eddie's name. Was the sign and photo still in progress?
”Morning, Buck.”
Buck froze as he heard a familiar voice speak out behind him. He turned his head to see Eddie walk pass him like it was just another day for him. All Buck could do was to stare as Eddie's back retreated further away from him, towards the locker rooms. Soon he would be out of sight.
Eddie... He didn't know if he said his name out loud or not, but Eddie didn't turn around. ”Eddie...” He tried again, but it felt like his throat had dried shut. He took a step after Eddie. He was almost around the corner now and Buck feared that if he lost eyesight of him, he would never see Eddie again.
”Eddie!” He finally managed to yell out and he started running. To that, Eddie did turn around, looking almost shocked to hear Buck literally scream out his name, like his life was in danger. The scream seamed to echo through the whole station.
Buck stopped only a step away and he looked him up and down like in awe. Then, very slowly he lifted his hands and placed his palms against Eddie's shoulders, like making sure he was real.
”Buck? Are you feeling okay?” Eddie spoke softly, worry written all over his face. ”You send some odd texts to me last night, but I just thought you were sleepy.”
Buck finally looked him in the eye and a soft, hesitant smile crossed his face and he spoke with a calm voice. ”I'm fine. I'm-” Then that voice broke down and Eddie could see tears fill his eyes.
”Hey, what's wrong?” Eddie asked immediately and only after a moment of hesitation, he placed his own hand against Buck's shoulder for reassurance, but the effect seemed to be completely different as Buck's whole body tensed and suddenly he broke down completely, sobbing and struggling to breathe.
Eddie escorted Buck up to the loft as others hadn't come in yet and the previous shift was slowly clearing their stuff and changing their clothes downstairs. Buck sat by the table and after a moment of hesitation, Eddie decided to take the chair beside him. Buck was glad he did, because he needed to be as close to Eddie as possible. His mind was still a mess and one huge blur of memories, still not quite separating delusion from reality. But this felt real. Eddie felt real. Even this odd distance between them felt real. Eddie had avoided him for weeks now and Buck had hated it, making him feel anxious and depressed. And so Dr. Copeland had written him a new receipt.
”A new drug?” Eddie asked, sounding almost frustrated. Not towards him, Buck knew, but towards Dr. Copeland. ”That drug made your mind so messed up you thought I was dead?”
”Yeah, I think so.” Buck sniffed loudly and wiped the bottom of his nose. He must look disgusting with puffy, red eyes and nose running, but Eddie didn't look away. ”I mean, I still need to ask her if it's possible but... there's nothing else that could explain it.”
”Hmm...” Eddie hummed. He was leaning against the backrest of his chair, like he wanted to be as far away from Buck as possible.
”Well, it did some good things as well.” Buck sniffed again and cleared his throat to get his voice back to normal from that stuffy sound that had just came off his mouth.
Eddie looked skeptically at him. Buck let out a small laugh to his expression. He felt like his chest could explode. He was so happy to just see Eddie. The feelings he had for him had just grown hundred percent larger since last night, if that was even possible.
”You've been avoiding me.” Buck stated then and it caused Eddie to look away, to fix his gaze at the surface of the table. ”I wanted that drug she offered, to- to not feel so... away from you.”
”Away from me?” Eddie's voice was quiet, hesitant almost.
”Yeah, I thought that was the only way. I thought you wanted to keep a distance to me, and the only way I could feel okay with that was to get some help from somewhere.”
Eddie closed his eyes with pained expression. He looked like he was burden with guilt.
”Buck- I don't want to be away from you. Quite the opposite.”
Buck shifted in his chair to get a little closer at Eddie, who, like with an instinct, shuffled further away.
”Then why do you do that?” Buck asked.
Eddie glanced first at him and then at the distance between them. ”Because I lose control.” He then stated, plain and simple, and Buck understood.
”Around me?”
Eddie nodded.
”It's okay, Eddie.” Buck reassured him. ”I mean, everything I went through in my dreams last night, nothing is worse than losing you. Control over yourself means nothing.”
”But that's it, you lost control and you went through that because of it.”
”Yes, but sometimes we need to lose it to gain it back.” Buck told him and shifted a little closer again and this time Eddie didn't shy away from him. ”Who knows how long I would've avoided this conversation if I hadn't lost control, right?”
Eddie once again glanced at him and then, very slowly, Buck could see his body relax. First his shoulders went down, then he blinked and the concern was gone, bringing out those soft eyes. Then Eddie lowered his hands to his lap and started to breathe normally.
”Good?” Buck asked and gained a small laugh and a nod for an answer. ”Okay, so... can we- can we hug maybe? I-I really feel like I need a hug right now.”
Eddie didn't hesitate to lean closer and pull Buck into his embrace. Buck sniffed again and buried his nose to Eddie's shoulder. He loved Eddie's hugs and he couldn't even remember when had been the last time they had shared one.
”What now?” Eddie asked then, his voice hesitant, but he didn't even make the slightest move to end the hug.
Buck cleared his throat as emotions tried to take the better of him. ”I think I need a day off. I'll need to talk with Taylor. To end things with her.” Even the mention of her name tensed Eddie's whole body, but only temporarily. ”Then we'll go from there. I'll be there when you lose control.”
Eddie let out a small laugh. ”I know you will.”
They tightened the hug, if that was even possible.