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“Hey, give back my phone!” Josh Thomas yelled, trying to pry it from his best friend Tom’s stronger grip.
“I just want to send a text,” Tom said with glee, typing with one hand while he sipped his beer. “Okay I’ve written “i’m not actually funny, I stole all my jokes and identity from a classmate in Brisbane named Josh Thomas haha”. How does that sound?”
“It sounds awful,” Josh grumbled, taking a sip of his wine and kicking Tom’s leg. “Who are you sending it to?”
“Everyone,” Tom answered, smiling evilly. “Send. to. All.” He dropped the phone in his lap and took a long scull of beer. Gurgled it in his mouth.
“That’s not as sexy as you think it is,” Josh said through gritted teeth.
Tom glanced over at Josh and raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure?” he said, looking pointedly at Josh’s pants.
“Alright, I’m turned on by gurgling!” Josh yelled, annoyed. “I love the sound of bubblers in the park! You happy now?”
“Very,” Tom gloated, doing another gurgle and swallowing.
The phone buzzed in Tom’s lap. He picked it up eagerly. “Oh my god it’s Claire,” he said, “She’s written “I knew it” in capital letters.” He laughed. “Several exclamation marks.”
Josh scowled.
“Ooh another one, from Geoffrey,” Tom said, “He wants to know who this other Josh Thomas is and where to find him.”
“Don’t tell him,” Josh muttered.
“So you’re admitting that there’s another Josh Thomas out there similar to you,” Tom chuckled. Then the phone buzzed again. “Oh it’s Ella! She replied “give Josh back his phone, Tom”. Oh. How did she know?”
“Gee, I wonder,” Josh mumbled. He held out his hand. “Gimme.”
“No way, there’s heaps here,” Tom said, moving the phone far from Josh’s reach. “Who’s Jimmy?”
“Just some guy I hooked up with in America,” Josh answered, exasperated.
“Oh, well, he says that he still thinks you’re heaps funny,” Tom said. He looked up at Josh. “Why would he think that?”
“Because I am funny?” Josh suggested.
“No, you’re not,” Tom said, shaking his head, “Not after I revealed your secret to your entire contacts list.”
“It’s not a secret because it’s not true!” Josh argued.
“Sure,” Tom said, his eyes going back to the phone. “There’s one from Rick Parker. Who’s he?”
“Ugh, he was my manager from when I worked at the supermarket,” Josh groaned, “He always caught me in the storeroom playing Snake on my phone.”
Tom laughed. “He wrote “That’s very nice, Josh. Thank you for sharing. Hope this is the first step before finding your true self”.”
“Oh god,” Josh moaned, putting his hand on his face. “Why.”
“It is very nice,” Tom said, agreeing with Josh’s old boss, and added, “I hope you get the help you need, Josh.”
“Shut up, Tom,” Josh growled.
“Oh there’s one from Arnold!” Tom said, excitedly, “What do you think he says? Josh?”
Josh was lying on the couch, his face buried in a cushion. “Probably something cute and adorable and make me fall in love with him again,” he mumbled.
“He just wrote “ha ha that’s funny. I bet Tom wrote it”. Why does everyone we know think it was from me?” Tom said.
“Maybe because it was?” Josh said into the cushion.
“Pffft,” Tom said, “Patrick replied.” Tom poked Josh’s arm. “Do you want to know what Patrick says?”
“No,” Josh scowled. But he sat up from the couch and grabbed his wine glass. Took a sip. “Tell me.”
“Alright, Patrick says “can’t talk, with a guy, ttyl xx”. It was nice he could spare a quick moment during sex to type out that message, hey,” Tom said, grinning.
“I guess,” Josh grumbled.
“And x’s too!” Tom marvelled. “Should I reply? Maybe with an x?”
“No!” Josh yelled, and reached over, snatching his phone forcefully. “I hate you.” He groaned as he stared at his messages. “My dad wrote that he’s never heard about this other Josh Thomas before and asked why I never mentioned him.”
“That’s a good point,” Tom said, chuckling, “I wonder why.”
“Well, I never had much to do with him!” Josh defended, “He was with the jocks and I was with the theatre geeks! We dated the same girl but that’s it.”
“That’s my sister you’re talking about,” Tom deadpanned.
“Yeah, her,” Josh said, shrugging. “She dated all the Joshes.”
“Who else replied?” Tom asked eagerly, “Read them out!”
“I don’t know, people from school are replying, most are saying it was you that wrote the message,” Josh said, “I haven’t even spoken to these people in years! I can’t believe you would do this to me!”
“I’m rekindling friendships. You’re welcome,” Tom said, smugly.
“Alex replied with “makes sense, always found him funnier than you”. What? How does that make sense?” Josh asked, bewildered.
“Makes perfect sense,” Tom said, agreeing with his sister for what was probably the first time.
“I’m ending this,” Josh said, typing out a text that read “ignore that last text, it’s not true, Tom made it up” and pressed Send To All. “Done. I’m going to bed.” He got up and retreated to his bedroom, shutting the door forcefully.
“Good night to you too,” Tom called.
Josh opened his door a crack. “Good night, Thomas,” he said, and shut the door.
“Good night, Joshua,” Tom whispered, and flicked on the TV, getting comfy on the couch until Ella came home from her night shift at the hospital with all those hot young doctors.