Chapter Text
The golden halls of Koi Tower are not what Jiang Yanli grew up with, and she wonders if that's why it's been hard, lately, for her to convince herself that it feels like a home. It's too quiet, without the background rush of the river, and the air here feels dry and lifeless in comparison to Yunmeng. The food is flavourful and undeniably delicious, but it’s not quite spiced enough to warm her heart.
She spends as much time as she can in the lotus pond A-Xuan built for her, but that has its own special flavour of loneliness. It reminds her of a home and a love that are currently out of reach, and sometimes it feels like more than she can bear.
She shifts Jin Ling in her arms, and he babbles quietly as he tucks himself into her chest. He’s been throwing fits all morning, seeming uninterested in sleeping or eating or anything, in fact, except screaming, but the walk seems to have calmed him into a doze. She’s glad. She knows that the Jin clan — or at least, their sect leader— believes that children should be kept out of sight, and it’s easier to keep Jin Ling by her side when he’s well behaved. Two maidservants, assigned to her by Madam Jin, follow in her wake. Luo Yuxing carries a basket of supplies, swaddling clothes and toys. Chen Yuqi hovers close in a silent offer to carry her son for her.
Jiang Yanli does not take her up on the offer, but it’s good to have the company.
She makes her way to the suite by the infirmary set aside for important guests. It’s extravagantly decorated, gleaming with gold like every other part of the tower. More, maybe, to show off their wealth and generosity to visitors outside of the clan. Not that the current occupant of the rooms would notice any of it — he grew up here, and anyways, to notice anything, he’d have to be awake.
She knocks lightly on the door, and waits for a moment. Hearing no response, she pushes the door open to let herself in.
“Hello, A-Xuan,” Jiang Yanli says.
Her husband looks the same as he always does these days. His eyes are closed, and his chest rises and falls shallowly with every breath. The vermillion dot of his clan is painted neatly on his forehead, red and bright, making him look even paler by comparison. She knows that Madam Jin has given orders to make sure it’s maintained, as if he will wake up at any moment.
Madam Jin isn’t here at the moment, but touches of her linger in the room. There’s a vase of flowers so lush they could only have come from the private garden, and a meticulously organized writing desk sits in the corner. She glances at the papers — household accounts, it looks like. She’s offered to help, but Madam Jin says she prefers to keep herself busy, and that Jiang Yanli should take time for herself and her son.
Jiang Yanli sits down by the bed and takes Zixuan’s hand. It’s warm — a tiny, terrified part of her expects it to be cold. Jin Ling grumbles, confused about why he’s being shifted around, and she touches all three of their hands together. Jin Ling curls his tiny fingers around his father's hand, and she feels her lips quirk in a small smile.
"He’s a demanding one, our Jin Ling. He knows what he wants and he’s not shy about getting it, even though it’s mostly yelling. I can’t imagine which of us he gets it from. If either of us were this straightforward, we could’ve spent so much more time together.” Her voice is a light tease, warm with fondness. It had taken practice and familiarity, but A-Xuan’s fluttering awkward protests had been mostly play-acting with her by the time Jin Ling had been born, a comfortable ritual of call and response.
There is, of course, no answer.
She brushes a strand of hair out of his face, just to touch him. His cultivation is strong enough that he hasn’t lost any weight, and his hair is still dark and glossy, despite the weeks he’s spent unconscious.
“They tell me there’s nothing to do except wait,” she tells him quietly. “To take care of our child, to trust that you’ll wake up one day, to leave it to people who are better qualified and knowledgeable than I am. But, you know me — I’m bad at just waiting. I have to do something, even if it's small or never amounts to anything.”
Jiang Yanli feels determination rising in her chest as she speaks. “It’s time to start trying things. Every single thing that I can, until you come back to us.”
She gives Jin ZiXuan’s hand one last squeeze as she stands up. “I might have to visit a little less for a bit,” she says. “I’m going to go attempt the impossible.”