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He rode with the kids in the taxi to the airport, telling them how much he loved them.
They had a blast the last two days going to the stores, seeing the big tree, eating ice cream and watching Christmas movies all night. Everything they were supposed to do back home in Iowa.
Only a few more things to button up, he promised, and he’d be home tomorrow night.
Clint walked down a familiar street and stood on the corner.
After staring at her name for what seemed like an hour, he found himself wandering on Bleecker towards the house of the only man who could help.
“Absolutely not.” Doctor Strange said with an air of authority but not unkind.
“I need to see her, just once, give me a day or a few hours, please.”
“That is not how it works. You cannot go visit someone in a different timeline on a whim.”
He wasn’t sure when the idea took hold, but now he couldn’t let it go. Cap went back and lived the life he wanted with the woman he loved. Why couldn’t Clint visit Natasha for a while?
“Please. If I could see her happy somewhere...”
“Clint, I say this as your friend, you need to go to therapy. You have to deal with her loss or it will destroy you.”
“Just once and then I can move on.”
“You sound like the addicts that come into the Emergency Room for a fix.” Stephen put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “You were dealt a hard blow when Thanos snapped your family and then another when you lost Natasha. You’re strong, Clint, you can get through it. Natasha would want you to.”
Barton recoiled. He hated when people told him what they thought Nat would want, as if they knew her.
She wanted Clint to be happy but it was Natasha that deserved it, to be happy with her sister she found again. Nat deserved all the accolades for saving the world and for holding the team together when all Barton did was run and hide in the shadows with killers.
Clint didn't deserve the praise. He didn’t deserve the chance to be happy again. How could he be without her?
Natasha was the reason he got through the Snap. She was the only one who could pull him from the darkness. The reason Ronin no longer existed.
She sacrificed her fucking life for everyone to return, for their happiness, so he could be with his family.
How could either of them know it would be worse? How did he not see that it was Natasha that made him whole?
The emptiness he felt was supposed to get better when his family returned, not gnaw away at him until he could barely eat or sleep.
Laura couldn’t help. She tried but she didn’t know how to handle the violent outbursts or his self loathing. It never occurred to her to sit on the roof with him or try to reason or even argue with him instead of just squawking ‘do what you think is best’.
Clint was used to Natasha being there when he shut down. It was Nat that took charge when he went on automatic, making sure he ate, slept or trained, slapping some sense into him when he made stupid decisions.
“Please Doc,” he pleaded one last time, “I have a Pym particle.”
The wizard looked shocked. Barton wondered if it was because he had a particle or because Strange didn’t know.
“I almost used it the other night.” If little Nate hadn't woken up and come downstairs, Hawkeye would have.
Dr. Strange hung his head, pulling in a weary sigh.
“Go into my study, Clint.”
Walking into the apartment Agent Romanov drew her weapon as soon as the door clicked, pointing it towards the dark corner.
“Identify yourself.”
“Nat?” A hoarse voice asked from the shadows.
“Clint?” She lowered her weapon. “Why didn't you tell me you were home when we were on the phone?”
“Natasha?” He questioned again, stepping into the light from the windows.
Natasha raised her weapon momentarily only to lower it and put it away.
“Hawk?”
The Clint that stood before her was not the man that walked out of their apartment this morning.
A slightly older Barton looked at her with such relief it was heartbreaking.
He was thinner and dressed in clothes she had never seen before. His hair was the same light brown but now with flecks of gray at the temples. And his eyes.
The Hawkeye she woke up too had bright inquisitive blue eyes with the sharpness of a hunter. The gray eyes staring at her now were clouded with pain surrounded by deep wrinkles, not only from age but from sorrow.
“Clint, what happened? Why…”
“Please don’t be afraid.” He held up one hand. “I only came here to see you.”
Anguish marred his handsome face and his breath came in ragged gasps as she drew near. This was not the smiling face that she said goodbye to this morning. This was a man who looked like he’d lost everything.
“I could never be afraid of you.” Natasha kept her eyes locked with his. If he wanted to hurt her, he would’ve by now.
She stopped within his space, reached up and caressed his cheek.
“You're not my Clint, are you?”
He whimpered, nearly sobbing, and put his hand over hers. He turned his face and kissed her palm.
“I am your Clint. Always. We couldn’t have saved the fucking world if I wasn’t yours.”
A thousand questions swirled but Natasha didn’t ask.
"I had to see you, even if it wasn’t in my time. I needed to see that you were okay." He put her hand over his heart.
She held both of his hands, closing the space between them.
“I’m right here. Tell me what you need.”
He broke down engulfing her in his arms, burying his face in her neck.
“I need to hold you. God, please Nat, I just need to hold you. ”
Natasha wrapped her arms around him as he squeezed and ran his hands up and down like he was trying to memorize every inch of her.
He kissed her eyes and cheeks, dragged his lips along her throat, almost biting her, tasting her. If she closed her eyes, he felt like her Clint. He touched her face, tracing the outline of her lips.
“I needed you to know… I should have said it...” His voice cracked.
Natasha held his face between her hands. “You never have to say it. I know.”
Tears spilled from those beautiful expressive eyes. Clint kissed her forehead, her cheeks then her neck, hiding his face in her hair.
She looked up at the security cameras in the corner.
“I disabled the system and played a loop.” He confessed, his lips tickling her shoulder.
An unexpected laugh bubbled from her lips.
Of course he did. Her Clint would have done it too.
“Thought about it, Nat.” He looked up at her, silently asking for forgiveness.
“I would have too.” She caressed his cheek with the backs of her fingers then threaded them through his hair.
“I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't take you away from him like you were taken from me.”
“Thank you.” She kissed him lightly on the lips.
He swallowed, closing his eyes.
“I’ve dreamt of that for so long.”
Natasha wrapped her arms around his ribs.
“Hawk will be home soon.”
“No, you're going to get a text in about a minute. He had a distraction.”
Her phone blipped. It was Clint explaining that Kate's place had been vandalized and he needed to go help.
Natasha text back quickly she understood and she would see him when he got home.
She returned her attention back to older Clint, taking one of his hands and sitting them on the couch.
“It hurts to know there are other worlds where we are not together.”
He jerked back a little and squeezed her hand tightly. She realized her words at the same moment.
“Clint, it's not a good idea.”
A wild look of hope took hold as he excitedly spoke.
“I found you here, I can find you again in another timeline. Somewhere you may have lost me and you're trying to find me too.”
“Clint, please don't. It was dangerous enough to come here.”
He stood and began to pace.
“If there is a timeline that has us together and there is a timeline of me living without you, there must be a timeline of you living without me. I need to find her, Nat.”
She knew it was wrong. She wanted desperately to argue with him, to convince him not to do it, but if this Hawkeye knew what she did to keep her Clint alive, he would laugh in her face if she tried to stop him.
“I'm worried for you.” She pushed off the couch.
“Don't be,'' he said with absolute conviction cupping her face, “I found you and you know I'll always find you.”
He engulfed her in his arms and kissed the soft spot below her ear. Clint pressed his face into her neck and hummed contently, the feeling reverberating against her skin.
“God I missed you, you feel so good. I can't wait to hold you again.”
Natasha began to cry. Clint rocked her in his arms where they stood.
“I love you, Natasha. I'd move this goddamn Universe for you. Know that. No matter how stupid he acts, know that idiot will do anything for you.”
"Please, tell me what happened." She forced him to look at her.
He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. The devastation she saw in his face made her heart cinch.
"You can tell me. I can handle it."
"No," he choked, "I'm not supposed to be here. I shouldn't have talked to you but I couldn't help myself."
"I'm glad you did, Clint."
"You're not mad at me?"
The man had crossed time and space to see her, if only for a few minutes and he wanted to know if she was mad. She wasn't even his Natasha and he was so concerned. She didn't deserve either Hawkeye.
She shook her head and said, "I love you."
“I love you so fucking much.” He hugged her.
He kissed her, brief and rough. Neither of them let it linger longer than a moment.
Natasha’s phone chirped.
Police here. Can’t do anything tonight. Be home soon
She looked up at the older Clint.
“I should get going.” He said but made no move to leave.
“I hate that I won’t know if you’ll be okay.”
He held her face in his hands, kissed her forehead then her nose.
“I am now,” he gave her another light kiss on the lips, “and I will be.”
He backed away, keeping hold of her hand until they finally were forced to let go.
“I’ll go in the other room to leave.”
“No,” she begged, “please, I need to know this was real.”
Clint nodded and went to the corner.
“Take care of him. He’d be lost without you.”
Natasha smiled. “I will.”
The older Barton activated his suit and blipped out of existence before her eyes.
She didn't know how long she stood there staring until she felt the tears fall and she looked at the clock. Pulling herself together, Nat straightened out what little mess there was and waited for her Clint to come home.
Natasha pounced on him the minute he walked through the door, tumbling them both to the floor. She barely got his clothes off enough to straddle and ride him hard right there in the hallway.
Not knowing the circumstances, her husband enjoyed himself, shuffling off the rest of his clothes and sliding his hands around her back as she bent over him to kiss him.
He picked her up afterwards and carried her into the bedroom where she demanded a repeat performance.
She barely said a word as she wrapped her legs around him and raked her nails down his back, biting wherever she wanted until she drew blood. Anything to prove that he was here and alive. They’d been rough before, it wasn’t new to Clint, he never questioned her moods.
Trying to encourage him for a fourth time, Hawkeye finally stopped her.
“Nat.” He prodded gently but she ignored him and started kissing down his stomach.
“Natasha.” Clint said more firmly but she continued and delightfully found him responding again.
“Nat, stop.” He took her by the upper arms and gently pushed her up. “I have fantasized about this but you’re starting to scare me. Talk to me, мой паук. What’s wrong?”
Natasha lied to her husband.
“I had a headache earlier and laid down. I fell asleep and dreamt about you…but it wasn't you.”
Clint frowned and sat up making them both more comfortable. It usually took some coaxing to get her to talk about her nightmares.
“It was you from somewhere else… from another time and you came to see me.”
“That seems pretty reasonable.” He brushed the hair off her shoulder and kissed it.
“Something happened to us, to me, and you were sad. So you traveled across time to see me here.”
She knew he was reading her minuscule reactions and facial fluctuations like he was trained to.
“I'm happy to know the dream version of me would do the same thing I would do if we were separated." He smiled. He wasn't dismissing her dreams; he never did.
“I love you,'' she ran her hands down his chest and back up, feathering her fingers around his neck and through his hair, “I would do anything for you.”
“I know you would.” He said with all the love in his eyes and hugged her close. “I love you, Nat. You never have to prove that to me.”
Later, when Clint was fast asleep, Natasha got up and sauntered into the bathroom.
She studied her reflection in the mirror and thought of the older Clint, fingering the delicate green stone earrings she made herself. Remnant pieces of what others thought were emerald from a battle no one but Natasha could recall.
Clint had asked one time why she never took them off.
Because they match my eyes, she would tell him playfully.
Because I love you, you idiot
She had proven it, her love…but her Hawk would never remember and Natasha planned to keep it that way.