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When Damian is 14, Red walks his happy ass directly into the Batcave.
Jason is there on comms, Dick, Babs, and Damian are on patrol, and Jason obviously very promptly looses his shit. Very much a mix of paranoia wanting to see him as a threat but trust and experience making it impossible but also he's in the Batcave and its just. So many mixed signals his head is going to explode.
Red waves, nodding politely at Alfred where he's standing frozen in his walk to Jason. Slowly, Jason gets to his feet and falls into a fighting stance, relying the situation to the bats on patrol. Red nods, says that they should all get back because he has something to tell them. Asks, a little bemused- disappointing?- where Batman is, Jesus, is he seriously in space on a mission the ONE time I actually want to talk to him him? That's rich and Missy will love it. Hurry your asses back, c'mon.
The longer Red goes without attacking, the more Jason relaxes. Red nods, smiling far too much, Jason does not trust that maniac's grin. The intruder shuffles over to the Batcomputer, sitting far too comfortably in the seat and cracking his knuckles. He breaks the passwords and stuff in under a minute, files and code opening and closing and flashing around as he does...whatever he does. Jason makes a distressed noise and Red startles, as if he forgot his audience instantly. He blinks up at Jason and bites his lip, before turning back and going slower. Not slow, by any means, but Jason at least knew what he was doing.
What he was doing was pulling up every file involving Ra's or the Lazurus Pits and the League of Assassins and such. And, one by one, he's marking them as closed cases. "What the hell are you doing?" Jason hissed, trying to remember them all so he knows what to fix when this...whatever is over. Maybe a prank, to make B's life hell when he tries to sort this all back? There are worst things to do, he guesses, but why?
He doesn't get an answer before he hears the familiar sound of the Batmobile returning to the cave. Alvin's head snapped up immediately, despite the fact that it took Jason two weeks to register the strange thrum as a car, when he started out. "Great." Alvin grins, that thing with too many teeth, "You're all here. Ra's is dead."
It's said so plainly. Like- like that's something that can just happen. Alvin says it, and he smiles, and he's vibrating with some strange giddy aura that makes him seem untouchable, like he was born just so he'd be able to say those words one day so it only makes sense that he did. A simple turn of the screw, but it's not. Everyone freezes at that. Their faces pale, and it's hard not to flinch back.
"You said you don't kill." Dick says, landing somewhere between question and accusation.
Alvin nodded. "We don't. That's why it took the bastard so long to croak." He hissed, like it was a great insult. "But I finally got all the Lazarus Pits. It was tricky- I got the ones I knew about initially years ago, in the chaos after we nabbed Dami," He explained, nodding at the kid that was starting to turn a strange color. "But I knew that I didn't know them all. Another year or so and an unexpected but very welcome partnership with Nyssa, and I was 96% sure that I got them all, but I didn't know until my inside agents started reporting that he was actually aging-"
"Inside agents." Babs breathes, eyes calculating. "In the League of Assassins."
Alvin waved his hand dismissively. "Not anymore! There is no league, anymore! Pits are down, leadership split between Ra's- who was obviously dying- Nyssa- who could not care less about them- Damian- who most of them think is dead- and Talia, who's...." Alvin doesn't actually say anything about Talia, just gestures vaguely with his hand and rolls his eyes. "It was beautiful. Running around like chickens with their heads cut off- they were bound to cannibalize eventually." Alvin frowned at that, enthusiasm dimming for the first time. "It...happened faster then I expected. Ra's was still alive, I thought he'd keep the League together longer, but he's was too obsessed hunting me down for revenge, and I was kinda busy not dying while crippling the league's safety nets and support systems and- and I wasn't there to eliminate- or at least minimize- the fallout of the fracturing. By the time I was back in control of the situation without a murderous tail, Nyssa's faction and...Dusan, that's his name, Nyssa's and Dusan's had pretty much killed each other off, especially after Nyssa killed off Dusan. There was a movement for a mass suicide once Ra's died and took the League with him, because that was obviously what was happening by now, but I convinced most of them to join Talia instead."
"Why Talia?" Dick asks, in that terrible Batman voice that didn't actually work, but seemed to do the job on Alvin. The man stood a little straighter, looking at Dick evenly. Almost challengingly.
"I know the situation with her is....Complicated. And Delicate. And more explicit words that Missy would love to say for me. But....She's better then Ra's. And she's working with a fraction of a fraction of his resources. I'll moiter her, of course, and I refuse to underestimate her, but she's she least of a handful of evils, and has repeatedly shown potential to change for the better, which is some sort of miracle given her parentage. The execution tends to fall flat or hollow with her, but I can work with it." He explains calmly, stance rigid, voice flat, just reciting facts. The rigidness melted from him as suddenly as it had frozen him upright, and he was back to his original excitement. "And, more importantly, Ra's is dead. I took his last Lazarus pit out 18 months ago, and he aged like moldy cheese. The Funeral was....three days ago? Maybe four. Nyssa, as his eldest, had rights to the remains, and decapitated him before cremating him, and scattered his ashes in the ocean. Even that fucker isn't coming back from that. Ra's Al Ghul is dead."
It's strange, how down right erratic Red was being. He was always the 'calm and rational and controlled' one, between him and Missy. He'd known, logically, that it took crazy to know crazy, and Red was always more then a little bit of a wild card, but he wasn't usually so....expressive.
"Is this the part when you can finally tell us whether or not you're League?" Dick asks mildly, the first of them to take a step forward. He seems surprised, obviously, and mildly concerned, but not the least bit threatened. His hand isn't even on his belt. Red was staring into the acrobat's soul, and Dick just took off his cowl and quirked an eyebrow.
"Well, no one's League anymore." Red, honest to God, giggled. "Talia's calling her faction 'Leviathan', and I'm calling my 'faction' 'bunch of idiots who won't take fuck off as an answer from anyone but Nyssa'. But..." Red tilted his head, falling silent as he thought.
"But?" Dick prompted, all too eager to keep Red's attention while the rest of them were still trying to catch up to the conversation. Babs put an arm around Damian, leading him to the medbay, and the kid didn't say a peep. Jason felt like he was in the fucking Twilight Zone.
"But I don't see a reason not to tell you, at this point." Red yawned, leaning back in the chair and bringing his feet up to the seat. For someone who had to be at least as old as Bruce, the guy looked so damn small sometimes. "I did some....freelance work for them when I was a teenager, in exchange for information and assets I wasn't getting anywhere else. Some things went wonky, but I still managed to get what I need, double cross Ra's on my way out, and maintain a disguise well enough that he never got my identity. It's where I found out about Damian, though I couldn't pin him down precisely until he got involved in more...noticeable work." He explained. And yawned again.
"When was the last time you slept?" Jason found himself asking, leaning forward. Despite literally all the warning bells, Jason found himself more relaxed as he spent time with Red.
Red frowned, taking far too long to answer the question for comfort. "Nyssa tranquilized me on the way to the funeral." He finally recounted with a nod.
"The funeral that happened four days ago?" Jason checked.
"Mighta been three. Time is fake and time-zones are bullshit." The man claimed. He sighed, meeting their eyes- or, well, the masked equivalent- very seriously. "I don't know if I wanna stay and blow Batman's mind or leave and let him stew in the knowledge that he still can't do shit about me."
"If you leave, I'll get a picture for you." Jason promised loyally. Alvin nodded.
"What happened to 'the one time you want to talk to him?" Dick pipes in. Nonjudgmental, just curiosity. Careful curiosity, though. Too careful, the careful that can only be covering something up.
Alvin hummed, tilting his head. "That's mostly because I think that I can do anything right now? Like. I could fist-fight God and win. I could do a quadruple somersault. I could walk a tightrope on my fingertips. I could freeze hell over with a breathe. Y'know? I can get through one meeting with the grumpy old bastard." He scrunched up his nose, tapping his fingers on the armrest. "Can't tell how much of it's relief and how much of it's the sleep depri-" An almost too perfectly timed yawn fought it's way up his throat, and Jason smirked- "The sleep deprivation. I...don't think I'll want to talk to him by the time I wake up."
Dick makes a sympathetic noise, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "We can't just let you walk out. You know that."
"You can't kidnap me. I'm not a kid." Red countered, shaking his head.
"When has that ever factored in?" Dick asked, seeming very genuinely offended. To be honest, Jason was too.
"Always!" Red claimed, just as sincere, having the audacity to meet their eyes. "It's not my fault that you're all still children."
"I'm twenty four!" Dick squawked.
"Twenty four, huh? So you're offering clues to your identity." Red hummed smugly. "Over a teasing comment from a- what am I, a rouge? Anti-villain? loose associate?" Red asked curiously, turning back to the Batcomputer and typing something up. His file, like about everything else, was password protected. He pouted and started to try and break through it, but Dick stepped forward and pulled the chair away from the console. Red groaned dramatically, like a child pried from a sweet, but didn't fight. "Whatever. Point is- wouldn't you admit that that's rather childish?" Dick opened his mouth, but Red wasn't done, waving a dismissive hand. "besides, the brain doesn't stop maturing until you're twenty five. A child."
"So you're saying that once I turn twenty five you'll stop kidnapping me?" Dick challenged.
"Oh, heavens no. Not on your life." Red denied, seeming shocked and appealed by the suggestion. Like he didn't just say it.
"So we won't kidnap you." Jason interrupted, sure that they could go on like this forever. "We'll detain you, like an adult. Read you your rights and everything."
"Oh. I suppose you can damn well try." Red smiled serenely, turning to Jason and stretching lazily. He perked up slightly, looking at the cave entrance and standing. "Doesn't matter. My ride should be here by now."
"Your what?" Dick demanded, eyeing the cave around them cautiously.
"Missy, of course. She's been hunting me like a bloodhound for the past few weeks."
Jason considered the implications of that- considered how terrifying Missy got when she was being all weird and protective, and how Red seemed to be the only reliably way of quelling her ire.
"What flowers do you want on your grave?"
"Peonies." He answered immediately. "Ya know, the gold ball shaped ones with like a million petals? Kinda tall?"
Dick shook his head. "I don't think you're talking about peonies. Those sound like.....dandelions. Or maybe marigolds." He offered.
Jason hummed. "That sounds right. Peonies are usually pink, I think."
Red gave an offended gasp so exaggerated Jason half expected him to choke on it. "I may not know my flowers," He said, voice shaky and expectant. Jason and Dick tensed up, sure that they had made a mistake somehow. "But I-"
"KNOW A BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE!" a new voice cried out, storming into the main cave from one of the winding entries from around. The one from the sewer system. Shouldn't they have gotten an alert when it opened?
"Sweetheart!" Red stood, voice saccharine sweet and twice as nervous.
"Bitch." Missy returned coldly. "If you don't give me a damn good reason to have to owe Talia Al Fucking Ghul a favor to find you, I swear to God I will do things to you that will make you wish you had a Lazarus Pit."
"Ra's died. It wasn't quite the circumstances I expected. I had to work on my feet, and I figured it'd be better if I did it alone. Just this once."
Missy hissed a chilling laugh, looking to all like a- well, a bat out of hell, ironically. Maybe just being in the cave had that effect on people, but more likely she was just like that. Dick took a step back, and Jason followed suit. They were trained for many scenarios and foes. This was not one of them.
"Just this once? What, for old times sake?!" She demanded, pacing around. "I- I cannot believe you! It's us against the world, jerkface, that's the deal. You can't just cut me out of shit, especially not when it's as big as this."
"It's- no, St-" She reached forward and pinched his lips shut, grip tight enough to turn them white.
"Nope. I'm not hearing it. None of your smart words. We're going home, you're going to sleep on the floor, and then you can apologize in the morning. Got it?" She demanded. Red nodded, because there literally wasn't anything else he could do, really.
"Hold on. We still can't just let you walk out." Dick insisted, though he didn't move forward to stop them as Missy marched them toward the cave they came out of.
"What you can't do, bigbird, is stop us." She countered, glaring sharply back at them. Jason saw Red sag a little in releif as her ire was turned on someone else, and was struck by the sudden realization that it was a downright miracle that Missy and Alfred weren't friends. "And you know why? Because I'm fucking pissed right now, and if you put me in hearing range of that bat-bitch I will eat his soul."
"Why do you hate him so much anyway?" Dick asked. "Did you guys have beef in the League or something?"
"I- I didn't work for the fucking LoA." Missy sneered. "And I've had the pleasure of never meeting Batman face to face. You can tell because he still has a face. Instead of a brick-shaped-indent."
"So why?" Dick pushed, trailing a few paces behind them as they made their way through the tunnel out. Cautiously, Jason followed a step behind him.
"Just-" She huffed, giving her hood a frustrated tug. "It's...complicated." She settled on, to great dissatisfaction. Red looked like he wanted to say something, but he wanted to avoid her wrath a bit more. "I don't hate him, per se, but I do resent him. There's a difference." She said with a nod, not seeming willing to elaborate. "Now. I'm going to walk out of that entrance to the cave. You rarely use it anymore because it leads to the area we hung out in a lot when you were a kid and Batty is paranoid, so it won't be a great loss when protocol demands you get rid of it. A sacrifice I'm willing to make. You're going to call Batty and tell him all about this, of course, and he won't find us, of course. We'll return to our usual song and dance and I won't try my hand at a Bane impression to break the bat, no matter how funny it is in my head."
"Missy." Red scolded, poking her reproachfully, "Leave him alone. I thought you were over it by now."
"Red." Missy teased, copying his inflection. "I don't know why you expect me to get over enlisting child soldiers. I can understand where he's coming from and still want to give him a nice big bonk to the spine."
"Missy, no." Red insisted, further protests drowned out by chilling laughter. Missy glanced over at him and Dick again, challange unspoken but clear. Dick groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose, but waved them away, pulling out his phone to message Bruce. Missy preened, satisfied, and turned back to her partner.
"Now that that's out of the way...." She hummed, the beginning to a song Jason didn't recognize, but made Red give a startled laugh. "~Once their was a wicked witch, in the lovely land of Oz! And a wickeder-wickeder-wickeder-witch the never was~"
"She filled the folks with munchkin land with terror, and with dread!~" Red half-sang, half-spoke, linking their arms together. "Till one fine day from Kansas-"
"~A house fell on her head!~" Missy cheered, starting to skip out the way she came in. "~And the corner pronounced her- dead!!~"
"~And through the town, the joyous news went running~" Red sang, getting into the performance. "The joyous news that the wicked old witch was finally done in!~"
"Ding, dong, the witch is dead. Which old witch? Th-"
"That rancid bitch." Red cut off, equal parts venomous and amused. It shocked a booming laughter out of Dick, having the grown man bend over with laughter, and Jason wasn't all that far behind. He saw Red's expression as he did a delighted little twirl with the line, and wondered if he'd ever seen the man so....relaxed. Relieved. Missy, for her part, barely missed a beat, snorting and then bobbing her head in approval of the change.
"Ding, dong, the rancid bitch is dead."
--
(By the time Bruce gets back, three days later, they don't have much to show for the visit. Their camera's had been scrubbed- Even Barbara hadn't been able to recover the lost footage. She had found the computer it was done from, but, predictably, it was from local Cafe (after being pinged around the city) and long destroyed by the time they got to it. All the evidence left of their visit is them cheerfully bellowing that tune as they left, skipping along and letting it echo off of the cave walls like they themselves were casting a spell. Demanding it stay true, just this once.
Jason set the tune as the Demon Brat's ringtone. It was worth the subsequent attempted poisoning, and maybe even the following lecture. He found himself humming it from time to time, echoing the nearly desperate hope of Red and Missy themselves, though he hadn't done much personal dealing with the LoA in his time. In hindsight, he wondered if interference form The Battysitters had anything to do with that.
Ding-dong indeed.)