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home.
right, home. what is home? home is where one feels comfort. where one feels safe enough to be their best self. or simply their real one. but where exactly can you find home? is it a place? a house where you permanently live in? no. home is wherever you feel loved and valid. home is wherever you can rest when you’re tired. from escaping the loud and busy streets, the mentally draining days. or even when you just simply feel tired of living. home is wherever your person is. and that’s exactly what jongseong is to heeseung.
jongseong, the embodiment of comfort and healing. being the person heeseung can run to whenever he needs to, jongseong will be there. to kiss every part of his face, the moles on his neck, and the ones on his waist; to make him feel pretty like he’s the only one jongseong has ever seen. he will always be there. just like how music has to heeseung. but then he can never live without jongseong. if music dies, at least home can sing him to sleep. or when he’s too anxious to shower alone, home will sit on the toilet lid and hum to heeseung’s favorite song, their voices harmonizing and echoing through the bathroom walls. a simple gesture giving light and warmth to the deepest and coldest places of heeseung’s soul.
home. home is him. heeseung feels it whenever jongseong hugs him from behind as he attempts on making breakfast in the morning but always ends up on getting two bowls from the cabinet and filling them up with oreo oz (read: their favorite cereal); heeseung feels it when jongseong lets him hold his hand as he plays video games on his computer; heeseung feels it when they share a pair of earphones as they listen to a horror podcast which is really stupid. one will always suggest to stop after getting through two episodes with goosebumps on their skins and chills running down their spines.
it’s the way jongseong takes care of heeseung. even at times where heeseung shuts the world out with the heavy despair taking over as if being kissed by a gliding, wraithlike creature, draining and sucking out hope and happiness that’s left in him. and most of the time uncertain of how long it will take until he’s ready to open again.
though, in spite of that, the one thing he will always be sure of is that he can never leave jongseong. how can he take leaving jongseong? the only one he has left. his only home.
❆
it might be the second iced americano for the day heeseung has just finished twenty minutes ago or it might be the clear roads and light traffic that almost has his heart coming out of his chest, but no; it’s definitely the offer letter he just received for the internship he applied to from a famous record label.
see, he didn’t exactly plan on being an intern in the music industry for the reason that the plan was to make it through whatever his life will take him. but since he always and naturally does better than most people in his course (as he was consistently told), his professors were often persuading him to apply to big companies and even offering to put up a good word for him because they think he’s amazing like that. their words, not his. but heeseung thinks he’s not, he just thinks that he’s simply doing what he does best; doing what he loves and enjoys. but— okay, maybe he can admit that there’s a chance that this might really be for him. and jongseong has done nothing but convince him for the past month saying he’ll regret it if he were to ignore given opportunities like this. jongseong has always done a great job at pushing him to just go for it whenever his thoughts get to his head causing him to change his mind at the last minute. he just adores him.
and so he gave in because really, what’s there to lose if he tries?
it’s truly funny how life works for him as this isn’t his original goal. it reminds him of the time where he and jongseong only knew each other by name but never knew exactly what they looked like until they met through a mutual friend’s party, catching each other’s eyes with jongseong giving his infamous adorable smirk, the whole moment feeling like a scene from the movie. the path wasn’t easy but he never thought that it was going to be jongseong that he would want to spend the rest of his life with but now here he is, driving back to his home with pure adrenaline rush, internship offer letter sitting in the passenger seat, and a smile that just keeps getting bigger the nearer he gets to their apartment building.
he runs inside, greeting the guard and the other staff on his way and nearly bumping the janitor as he immediately apologizes and rides the elevator, catching his breath for a minute once he reaches their front door.
“jongseong-ah!” heeseung calls out, voice almost squeaking with excitement as he enters their apartment, quickly removing his shoes using his toes and eyes wandering around for a tall figure. “love! where are you?”
“how the hell do you do this—”
heeseung’s insides soften upon hearing the sound of his favorite voice coming with the loud clashes of noise from their bedroom that’s echoing through the hallway as he drops his bag and car keys on the kitchen counter and loudly asks, “what are you doing?”
“i fell sitting on your gaming chair— where does this g— ouch! so i’m fixing i—”
“you broke my chair?” heeseung interrupts him, taking a few steps forward and extending his neck to peek.
the door closes and jongseong then comes out on the hallway, hair messy with sweat and his hoodie sleeves raised up on his elbows as he strains for an answer. “no?”
they stare at each other for a few seconds, eyes blinking in complete silence that’s surrounding them both until jongseong cuts the light tension by clapping and grinning at heeseung. “so! you’re home early!”
“well— yeah, it’s— oh!” heeseung jumps a little, breaking out of it and bringing the white envelope on his hands to their faces as he squeals with jongseong mirroring his actions.
“why are we squealing!” jongseong bounces in his place, toothy smile making heeseung feel a lot more excited as he grabs jongseong by the shoulders and screams, “i got the internship!”
jongseong’s eyes go wide along with his mouth as he lets out a gasp, hands going to heeseung’s waist to lift him up and spin him in the air. giggles left their mouths as their eyes twinkle like the stars and faces shine bright like the sun. it couldn’t be more cliche than that.
“oh my, god!”
“i know!” heeseung squeaks as jongseong puts him down on the floor, hands not leaving his waist.
sweet smiles stay and the gazes mixed with exhilaration and fondness lingers. hushed moments like this are those that give a million words that’s undoubtedly worth treasuring even without stating anything out loud.
“i knew you could do it, ace,” the smile on jongseong’s face only grows as he grips on heeseung’s waist, fighting the urge to kiss the prettiest being in front of him so he takes in his glimmering eyes and reddening cheeks instead.
heeseung puts his arms around jongseong’s neck, warmth gently filling his chest and pulling him to a deep kiss, both of them smiling into it as they inhale the moment of euphoria and letting it seep through every pores.
“thanks, baby.” tears are already threatening to escape heeseung’s eyes but he blinks it away with a sigh of contentment and he thinks just how grateful he is for having jongseong in this lifetime because not only is the younger there for his big moments, he was also there holding heeseung at nights where he makes a pool of his tears on his pillow as he wallows in sorrow.
nothing can surely feel much better than this.
❆
heeseung and jongseong both sit at the bench with ice cream cups on their hands, sighing in satisfaction as they finally get to eat what they’ve been craving for since last week.
rocky road and vanilla bean ice cream melting in the little container as they have numerous of whatever conversations that leaves them laughing and giggling under the lamppost of the park with the sound of the empty swings; their rusty metals whining on each hit of the cold breeze of the night air.
their sweetened lips soon turn a little cold with every lick of their spoons, together with their light conversations that gradually turn into heartfelt ones as the glow of the moon becomes more visible and the street lights become dimmer from the fog that’s forming into the dead of the night.
“would you have loved me more if i wasn’t like this?” heeseung mindlessly swirls his spoon in the cup, eyes fixated on the melted dessert covering the bottom of the carton.
jongseong looks at him and blinks, “like that?” it’s not a question for either of them but rather a statement mixed with surprise and mostly bewilderment.
“yeah,” heeseung answers, looking up to meet jongseong’s eyes, “like the most complicated person. with commitment issues.. among other things.”
jongseong puts down his cup on the bench beside him and turns his body to face the older. he blows hot air on his clasped hands and shortly after, finds their way to cup heeseung’s face, thumbs gently and softly rubbing his cheeks to keep them warm.
at times like this, heeseung isn’t able to control all the emotions flowing through every vein and blood in his body. he’s yet to learn how to handle his insecurity well on things as to which he was fine doing it alone, until life gave him park jongseong. his everything. his world. if he allows himself to say it. because he needs to relearn that a person cannot be one’s world. but really, how can he? when jongseong is here making heeseung feel like the younger’s whole universe revolves around him and him only. heeseung still needs to learn how to live without his company. he’s done it before and he’s been through it. he’s just not sure he can do it again.
jongseong leans in a little bit, his hands holding heeseung’s head (or face) in place as he gives a chaste kiss on the tip of heeseung’s nose, painted pink from the wintry air. “i wouldn’t have loved you less even if you were the most difficult person to deal with,” he says in a soft tone, voice so calm, melting heeseung from the inside as he releases a tiny chuckle with jongseong smiling back at him.
“i’m serious, though,” jongseong persists, hands now tilting heeseung’s head down for his lips to meet the skin of the older’s forehead as he pulls away, taking a moment to gaze at heeseung’s sparkling doe eyes and says, “loving you is so easy and i— i could never take that for granted. every little thing about you just makes me love you more, hee. everything. including the flaws that you hate. and i wouldn’t have fallen in love with you like this without them, okay?”
from then, heeseung caramelizes from the sweetness of every word and every move along with the trees slowly dancing with the sound of their voices and the groove of the air, keeping their stories with the leaves and absorbing it in its every form for the rest of the world to value and admire that everything that's happening here is real. or maybe it's just the ice cream frosting his skin with the wind.
he turns his head to place a kiss on jongseong’s palm without breaking eye contact and then closes his eyes for a moment, nuzzling to rest half the weight of his head onto the warm hand and cold fingertips of home. heeseung feels it again. and as he savors the moment with a sigh of relief, he feels jongseong's other hand leave the side of his face, moving over to tuck the strands of hair behind his ear and soon feels the younger's fingers on the back of his head, brushing and twirling his hair as he plays with it.
“i love you,” heeseung mouths with half lidded eyes, meeting jongseong’s gaze that only he shows to heeseung and sometimes it baffles the older with how special the younger is making him feel. too special that in some days he would question if he deserves to be loved like this. but, and with no failure, jongseong always seems to put heeseung’s mind at rest in many ways he couldn’t imagine someone would be doing for him so willingly. never in his life that he has thought of being loved and appreciated like this. him, a mere speck of dust in the vast expanse of the universe.
jongseong bites his bottom lip and smiles. “i love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow.”
heeseung grabs jongseong’s hand from his face, the cold wind immediately biting onto his skin as he intertwines their fingers together and brings them to his lips, planting kisses on the back of jongseong’s hand with each one carrying words behind them.
first peck,
home
second,
is
third,
you
if home was a person, it would definitely be jongseong. and it will always be him.