Chapter Text
This isn’t the end, but the beginning; or, rather, somewhere in the middle.
PRESENT
Seokjin takes a sip from his beer, half-listening to Jimin’s rant about his and Namjoon’s cancelled appointment with a wedding florist, half-wishing he were anywhere else but here. Every so often, his eyes shift anxiously to the entrance of the suljib, waiting for the inevitable.
“And I understand that they probably have a lot of clients that they have to schedule, but this is the second time they’ve completely mixed up our appointment with someone else’s! If it wasn’t for the fact that Joonie-hyung’s mom is adamant about having this lady do our floral arrangements, I would have dropped them forever ago.”
“She fell in love with the arrangements at my cousin Jiyeong’s wedding, and ever since then she’s had her heart set on a similar, but better, style for ours,” Namjoon sighs.
“It’s your wedding, shouldn’t you be allowed to make the decisions?” Seokjin asks, a genuine attempt at staying engaged in the conversation, anything to distract himself from the rolling waves of tension in his body.
“You would think that,” Jimin laughs, dropping his head into hands, “but she terrifies me. Hyung is her eldest and she keeps joking - in the way that you can tell that she’s not joking - about me ‘stealing her baby’.” He lifts his head with determined eyes, slamming a fist on the mahogany table. “I have to get her those flowers. I have to.”
Namjoon yelps when Taehyung reaches over the table to slap his head. “Hyung! Stand up for your fiancé! Why are you letting your mom walk all over you two?”
“It’s not that easy! She is paying for most of the wedding. And it’s not like she doesn’t like Jiminie,” the tortured groom explains as he grab's one of Jimin's hands and clasps them together over the table. “She loves you, you know that. She raised us by herself, this is just a lot for her. It’s just- She likes to be … in control, and if we can give her just this one thing, then it will save us a bigger headache down the road.” He lifts their intertwined hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to Jimin’s knuckles, “I’m so grateful for your patience, baby?”
A loud guffaw erupts from Hoseok, already a flushed red from his whiskey, “Wow, it sounds like you have a pleasant six months ahead of you.”
There’s laughter, cooing, but Seokjin can’t take his eyes off of the couple’s laced hands, a heavy weight settling in his stomach as they speak.
He takes another - longer - sip.
“Well, if you decide to elope, let me know. I’ll sneak you both down to the courthouse myself,” he offers, his voice sounding faraway to his own ears.
“Ha, well, as tempting as that sounds,” Jimin smiles tiredly, his fingers spread across his cheeks, “I can’t just run away from my problems.”
“Right.”
The conversation continues, turning now on how the happy couple have finally settled on designs for their wedding rings, but Seokjin’s focus is waning by the minute. He can’t stop shooting quick glances to the bar’s doors, dreading the arrival of the two people missing from their group. He’s not even doing a halfway-decent job of hiding his distress given that Hoseok has already had to place a hand on his thigh to stop it from shaking, mouthing a ‘you ok?’ with concerned eyes. Seokjin nodded yes, delivering a small, close-lipped smile, and hoped that it was enough to assuage Hoseok.
But the dead knot in Seokjin’s stomach grows tighter, and he can’t help but feel on edge. Restless, he drags his hand through his hair, using his fingers to apply pressure to his scalp, his body unable to stop moving. He’s recently dyed it back to black, an impulse decision prompted by heartbreak, but now he’s thinking he should have cut it as well. Kneading at the ends that reach the bottom of his neck, he realizes it’s getting too long.
He shouldn’t have agreed to come, he should have invented an excuse - work, illness, a date, anything. But he knows it would have looked suspicious - Yoongi never organizes these outings, which must mean he has important news to share and therefore Seokjin, as his oldest friend here, needs to be present. He wonders if Jeongguk knows what this is about, and his thoughts touch briefly on the source of his torment – that the news is about Yoongi and Jeongguk. After all, they’re arriving together, something that hasn’t happened in a while.
Seokjin takes another drink, a few gulps this time. He doesn’t even notice the growing wet drops on his gray slacks.
“Hyung,” he turns to his right, and sees Hoseok’s drooped stare focused on the beer in his hand, “I think your glass has a leak.”
“Oh.” He lifts the glass above him to get a better look, but the warm and dim lighting of the bar is not entirely helpful to see through the amber of the beer. So he rubs his thumb on the bottom, and sure enough, he feels it before he sees it. A crack in the glass.
“Yah, Hoseokie”, he laughs, quietly amused, “Inebriated and still observant, that’s impressive.”
The younger rolls his eyes, “I’m always attentive, exc- excuse you.”
It’s true. Seokjin had almost jokingly called him out when Hoseok - rather forcefully - maneuvered himself into sitting between Seokjin and Taehyung, as if they hadn’t been broken up for months now. Seokjin had long moved on after all. But then he remembered how perceptive his friend is, how in tune he is with the emotions and actions of others, and deduced that if Hoseok wasn’t trying to create a buffer for Seokjin’s sake, then it must have been for Taehyung’s.
The realization only further exacerbated Seokjin’s unease for the night.
“I’m sure the bartender will give you another one, hyung,” Jimin chirps, pulling Seokjin away from his tangential reflections.
“They better!” Seokjin exclaims in mock offense, settling into character. A menial task sounds good. Anything was an upgrade from sitting, doing his best not to stare at a pair of doors that should not be commanding this much attention from him. He stands, asks his friends if they want anything from the bar, and already feels a little better at doing something besides trying to combat the agitation coursing through his veins.
He taps his fingers on the bar counter as he waits for the bartender to finish tending to other customers. It’s a Tuesday night, which means it’s not terribly busy, but the bartender is pretty and he’s sure that’s enough to attract every single person [sometimes not even single, as he knows through personal experience] in the bar over and ask for a drink.
It’s while he’s waiting, staring absentmindedly at the mirror wall behind the counter, that he sees the door to the bar open, Yoongi and Jeongguk walking in.
His chest tightens at their arrival. As they take off their winter coats, he admits that they look good. Yoongi in his casual style - black jeans, black long-sleeves, and black bucket hat. Jeongguk, like always, takes his breath away. He’s in a faded red and black flannel with the top unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms, and his typical black cargo pants and black stomper boots. A black baseball cap over his long black locks topping it all off. It doesn’t escape him that Yoongi and Jeongguk match.
His heart rate picks up when he sees Yoongi’s hand on the small of Jeongguk’s back, gentle and secure. Jeongguk whispers something into Yoongi’s ear as they look for their friends, and Yoongi laughs. It’s nice to see Yoongi laugh. To see him happy.
Once they spot the group, they excitedly walk over to their table in the corner.
Seokjin’s mouth tastes like ash.
“Good evening, sir, what can I get for you?”
A distraction.
The response is automatic. He turns his head and dramatically holds his hand to his heart, “Oof, sir. Hit me right where it hurts.”
The girl laughs, bright. She’s even prettier up close. Focus here, anything to take your mind off of the clusterfuck that is your life.
“Oh no! I swear I started speaking before I even looked over. Please don’t tell me I just earned the bar a bad review right now!” Funny, too. Seokjin genuinely laughs at the bartender’s mock distress. But even with his attention on their small interaction, he can still hear Jeongguk’s unmistakable laughter cut through the ambient noise of bar chatter and music. He doesn’t have to look to know that Jeongguk’s nose is scrunched up and his smile is dazzling and wide.
He shakes his head.
“No, I’m not in the habit of taking my grievances online,” he responds, concentrating on the bartender and his order.
The girl breathes a theatrical sigh of relief, “Good to know. But let me make it up to you, what can I do for you oppa?”
Seokjin’s mouth drops in shock as the girl cheekily laughs. “We don’t even know each other’s names!”
The bartender points to her name-tag, “Hello, I’m Yeji, please take good care of me.” She gives a slight bow before looking expectantly at Seokjin.
“You - Oh, you’re a bold one,” he chuckles. “I’m Seokjin.”
“Ok, so what can I do for you, Seokjin-oppa?”
He rolls his eyes, and lifts his glass of beer from the bar counter. “I think there’s a crack at the bottom of this glass. I was hoping I could get it replaced.”
Instantly, Yeji transitions to professionalism, “Oh, I’m so sorry about that! Of course, let me get you another one. What were you drinking?”
Seokjin gives his order and laughs once more when Yeji does a two-finger send off as she walks away to get him a new glass. But with the entertainment of the bartender gone, he’s forced to be alone with his thoughts and nerves once more. He knows he needs to look back to his table and acknowledge Yoongi and Jeongguk’s arrival before he heads back from the bar, but the swirl of emotions he feels every time he sees the couple [semi-couple? On-a-break-but-not-quite couple?], together or separately, makes him nauseous. The uneasy feeling that had started in his stomach makes its way up to his chest and throat, telling him that he’s already fucked for the night. So, he plasters on his best and friendliest smile and turns around.
Yoongi catches his gaze first, and his friend gives a small and relaxed nod as a hello when Seokjin half-heartedly waves. Wanting to rip the Band-Aid off at once, Seokjin looks to Yoongi’s side to give Jeongguk a wave as well, but his blood turns cold at the youngest’s expression. There’s a small, almost imperceptible, frown on his small lips, but Seokjin sees it clearly. The younger's doe eyes are narrowed and his strong body is tense, the cheery demeanor that he had walked in with is long gone. A frustrated sigh almost escapes Seokjin - what the fuck could Jeongguk be upset about? What right does he have to glare at Seokjin when Seokjin is the one who feels his heart ripping to shreds with guilt and longing every time they have a group outing?
“Ok! One brand-new and crack-free glass of hefeweizen for our Seokjin-oppa. Apologies again for the inconvenience.”
Yeji’s voice startles him out of Jeongguk’s scrutiny, and he turns around to see the young bartender setting his new beer in front of him.
“Thank you so much, Yeji-ssi. Just add it to our table’s tab. Should be under my name, Kim Seokjin.”
Yeji waves him off, “Please, I’m not charging you for this. It’s our fault that we didn’t check before serving you. Now you’ve had to waste precious moments with your friends over there to deal with me.”
Seokjin balks, “Of course I should pay you! I was mostly done with that glass and you’ve given me a new full one!”
“Nope!” the girl responds, holding up her hand. “If you want to pay me, then please ask your friends to give the bar a good review online, specifically mentioning me. I have tuition and my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. I can use those reviews to negotiate a raise.”
“Fine,” Seokjin acquiesces with a pout, “but we’re going to order more than our normal amount. Be prepared to add that you’re a high-seller to your bullet points as well.”
Yeji victoriously nods and bounces over to her next customer.
The short walk back to his table is torturously long. Even with Seokjin refusing to look again, he can feel Jeongguk’s eyes boring into him as gets closer.
He settles back into the seat next to Hoseok’s, only to see that Yoongi and Jeongguk have chosen the seats directly across from him. He’s just replaced his glass, but he’s gripping the new one so tightly that he wouldn’t be surprised if this one cracked as well. It hasn’t even been a whole hour since Seokjin arrived and he already feels exhausted, his energy weighing down further with each passing second.
“Hyung! It’s good to see you,” Yoongi teases, “For a second I thought we had lost you to the bartender.”
“Aish, Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin protests meagerly, looking anywhere but directly in front of him, “She’s a sweet girl. Everybody here better treat her nicely; she’s trying to get a raise.”
“Isn’t she a little young for you, hyung?” The words are spat out, fast and vicious. Even Jeongguk himself looks shocked by the fact that he said them at all.
It’s enough to make the ice in Seokjin’s veins thaw and boil, and he moves to make direct eye contact with Jeongguk, challenging him. Better to stare him down than to feel despair at the sight of Jeongguk’s arm over Yoongi’s shoulders.
“Wasn’t even thinking about her in any kind of way, but thank you for that Jeonggukie,” he responds flatly. There’s a flash of guilt and remorse on Jeongguk’s face before it reverts back to a blank slate. But it does the job, and Jeongguk is quickly directing his gaze at the table with dejected eyes.
“I was just teasing,” he murmurs, “sorry.”
“It’s already forgotten,” Seokjin replies, desperate to move on and keep the attention off of him and Jeongguk. If necessary, he and the youngest can figure out whatever that was later, but now is most definitely neither the time nor place for the conversation.
Thankfully, Namjoon intervenes, demanding to know why Yoongi wanted to meet up all of a sudden.
“Don’t tell us you’re pregnant,” Jimin jokes and Seokjin almost chokes on his beer. Bitter bile builds on his tongue, his skin feels like it's being scrubbed raw.
“Hilarious,” Yoongi deadpans, “but no. This is actually my news, not Guk’s. He was just the first to know and he wanted to pick me up from the studio to congratulate me,” he says as he turns to look at Jeongguk, soft, matching smiles on their faces.
Seokjin can picture it now - an excited Jeongguk rocking back and forth on his heels as he waits for Yoongi, the way he must have run up to him when he saw him, Yoongi probably pressing a shy kiss to Jeongguk’s grinning lips. They were trying to work on their relationship after all. Fractures all along Seokjin’s composure.
“Outro Music offered me a contract to be a lead in-house producer last week. I’ve been thinking about it, and while I like the flexibility that comes with freelance work and I’ve been able to do well, I’m going to take it. I signed today.”
And with that Seokjin promptly sets his distress aside.
Whooping erupts around the table, Hoseok scrambling over a cheering Seokjin to reach Yoongi. “Oh my god! Congratulations! Min Yoongi, you genius!”
Seokjin makes his way over as well, jumping on top of Hoseok’s back to join in on the growing group hug. “Yoongi-yah! Don’t forget me when you’re famous!” he screams, immensely proud of his best friend of nine years. He feels a hand on his back, a touch he would know anywhere, and peers next to him to see a muted Jeongguk, smiling but hesitant in his touch. Without even thinking twice about it, Seokjin lifts one of his hands and ruffles the soft hair underneath the younger's baseball cap before bringing it down to massage his neck. Innocuous gestures.
“Wait! This deserves a new round! Seokjin-hyung, go see if your new friend will give us a discount on tequila shots for everyone!”
The effect of Taehyung’s words are instant, Jeongguk immediately stiffens under his fingers.
Seokjin has no choice but to ignore the youngest’s reaction. “Yah! We’re not taking advantage of her,” he scolds, “we’re going to pay and we’re paying full price!”
“I can order them,” Jeongguk offers hurriedly, but Seokjin shakes his head.
“No, I’ll do it. As Yoongi’s only hyung here, I should pay for them. Wait here,” he announces to a new round of celebratory cheers.
He didn’t expect Jeongguk to follow him up to the bar, but he’s not entirely surprised that he does so either.
“What are you doing?”
“What? You’re not going to carry seven shots back by yourself, let me help you,” Jeongguk defensively grumbles.
It’s a good excuse, even if they both know that it’s a lie.
Yeji isn’t tending to anyone when they arrive at the bar counter, and Seokjin steels himself for what will, at best, be an agonizingly uncomfortable interaction.
“Seokjin-oppa!” Seokjin sighs at the way Jeongguk’s jaw swiftly clenches with Yeji’s words. “Making good on your word I see. What can I get for you and your friend here?”
“Hi Yeji-ssi. We’re celebrating my friend’s - this one’s boyfriend,” he says pointedly, clasping both hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders -
“- he’s not exactly my boyfriend -”
“-recent job news. If you could give me seven shots of your best quality tequila, I’d be most appreciative.”
“Of course, oppa. Congrats to your boyfriend-not-boyfriend!” Yeji squeals at Jeongguk. And Seokjin can tell that Jeongguk has still not given one single thought on how to explain his situation with Yoongi, because he starts and stops for a few seconds before settling for a stammered ‘It’s complicated. But thank you’. Yet there’s something else in Jeongguk’s face, a hint of the petulance that Seokjin feared on the walk over, that gradually makes itself known.
“Sorry, but … how old are you?”
Seokjin inwardly groans. It takes everything for him not to slap his hand against Jeongguk’s mouth.
Yeji, however, appears unbothered. “I’m 20! In my third year of university.”
“Oh … congrats," he says slowly. "Are people your age even allowed to work here?”
“Jeongguk,” he warns tersely.
Yeji shrugs. “Well, they hired me, so. If anything, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to this establishment,” she smiles. “Let me get you those drinks then. And I’ll be sure to use the tequila we serve to our most distinguished guests.”
“Fit for royalty?” Seokjin jokes.
“Of course, my liege,” Yeji bows before bouncing away.
Seokjin counts down from three-
two-
one-
“Well, she’s definitely into you,” Jeongguk scowls.
“She isn’t.”
“I just stood here as a witness to you two engaging in that corny joke. If that’s not flirting, then I don’t know what is.”
“Believe it or not, Jeongguk, but some people actually share my humor.”
“You think that because everyone flirts with you, so you just assume that is normal behavior.”
“You say that as if you don’t experience the exact same thing.”
“It’s different hyung. You’ve always looked like you – with that … face and those … shoulders. You wouldn’t notice things like this, you’ve never had to.”
“She’s just doing her job, Guk-ah.”
“Hmm.”
“Seriously, Jeongguk, what the hell?” Seokjin huffs, genuinely annoyed now. “Why would you even care? You haven’t even given me a simple ‘hello, hyung’ or ‘how are you?’ since you arrived. Instead, all I’ve gotten are these passive-aggressive comments about a woman who has done nothing except serve us our drinks and be nice. God forbid someone else outside of our circle makes me laugh! You don’t even like me enough to be behaving like this, and even if you did, it's still rude!”
Jeongguk shrinks back, ducking his face down so that the bill of his baseball cap covers the defeated look on his face, and Seokjin just hates, absolutely hates, how he immediately wants to apologize and kiss his cheek, how worry floods over where valid frustration once bloomed.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” Almost inaudible, but it’s there.
“No - it’s not - You don’t have to -” Seokjin takes a deep breath, “let’s just have a good time, ok? This is Yoongi’s night.”
Jeongguk nods, and brings his gaze to Seokjin’s once more. This time, there’s no jealousy, no anger, no hostility. It’s tired, like Seokjin’s. Contemplative. Seokjin allows himself to openly stare back, taking in Jeongguk’s features once more, as if he had never done this before, even though he knows he will be able to perfectly recall every detail of Jeongguk’s face and body for the rest of his life. His unguarded eyes, smooth skin, and delicate lips. The small scar on his cheek. The ear and lip piercings that always leave a cooling, metallic taste in his mouth. Jeongguk’s face is so naturally kind and inviting, but can be intimidating and enthralling when serious. Everything that Jeongguk has to offer, he has seen.
He wonders what Jeongguk sees when he looks at him.
They don’t speak again until they’re back at the table with their drinks.
The rest of the night passes in celebration, quieter on Seokjin and Jeongguk’s end, but no one ever notices. Seokjin does his best to engage, of course. He always does. When Namjoon complains about the hours at his lab, Seokjin leans back, pressing his lips together as he nods in active listening, ignoring Jeongguk’s piercing gaze on him. When Jimin suggests potential blind dates for Taehyung and Seokjin offers encouraging words, he ignores Jeongguk's sharp inhale at Taehyung’s joke that no one would ever be as good as Seokjin. When Hoseok, far more settled down, nestles into Seokjin’s side as his two drinks wreak havoc on his sobriety, Seokjin ignores how Jeongguk stiffens every time Hoseok snuggles in deeper. It’s jealousy, yes, but it's born out of his natural competitiveness. Nothing beyond that, he tells himself.
But Jeongguk should rest assured that he isn’t alone in his quiet discomfort.
Out of self-protection, Seokjin looks away every time Yoongi brings Jeongguk closer to his side, every time the reconciling lovers shoot each other soft smiles, every time he hears Yoongi call Jeongguk jagi, an endearment he hasn’t stopped using even throughout their break. Or maybe they’re actually back together now. Seokjin doesn’t ask.
He’s aware that Jeongguk is sneaking glances at him every time Yoongi caresses Jeongguk. That Jeongguk - sweet, caring Jeongguk - is worried, apologetic, perhaps even wanting to give Seokjin a pitying, comforting touch. But what good is wanting to do so when nothing can be done about it? What would all of their friends think if they knew that Seokjin knows Jeongguk’s warmth just as well as Yoongi does; that those same soft lips that Yoongi has kissed have painted love onto Seokjin’s neck; that he has also whispered sweet praises into Jeongguk’s ear as he writhed beneath Jeongguk’s body?
They would hate him, and he would deserve it. There are days when even Seokjin can’t look at himself in the mirror.
His head pounds with a growing headache.
At one point, embarrassingly needing breathing room from his own friends, he even thinks to head back to the bar and spend the rest of the night laughing at Yeji’s corny jokes. Maybe propose gift ideas for her girlfriend. But he’s disappointed when he looks over and notices that his spritely new friend is no longer tending. His only escape now gone makes him eager to head out. His patience for this front he’s put up all night in front of his friends is spent, he feels increasingly cracked open. So, when Namjoon and Jimin move to leave fifteen minutes later, he walks out with them after waving a quick goodbye to the group and making a stumbling, but genuine, offer to take Yoongi out for a celebratory meal at a later date.
It's not until he's halfway home that he remembers the baseball cap that Jeongguk was wearing is his.
Emotionally drained, he doesn’t even have the energy to make it into his room when he enters his apartment. He simply grabs a bottle of whiskey and sits on his couch, annoyed at his own anger and disappointment. All of this is his own doing. If he had possessed enough restraint, if he had been just slightly less selfish, he could have avoided this entire mess. He’s angry - mostly at himself, a little at Jeongguk, but basically at everything.
Only a few minutes into his self-loathing, his phone rings. Upon seeing the name, he almost doesn’t answer.
But.
Well.
As Kim Seokjin knows, self-restraint, when it comes to Jeon Jeongguk, is an area where he’s lacking.
“Hello?”
“Hyung,” Jeongguk responds quietly, “are you … are you busy?”
Seokjin looks down at the bottle of whiskey in his hands, at the work clothes that he hadn’t even bothered changing out of.
“No, why? Aren’t you with Yoongi?”
“I just … you left … but then I noticed - I noticed that she was gone too … are you with her?” the younger asks, voice tight with an edge of sadness. If it wasn’t for the twisted satisfaction that Seokjin feels knowing that he has a hold on Jeongguk too, he would find Jeongguk’s audacity honestly astounding.
“No, Guk-ah. She’s not here. I did not go home with the 20-year-old bartender who I was not interested in and who was not interested in me. She has a girlfriend, Guk.”
“Oh.” Seokjin can hear the weary relief in the younger’s exhale.
He taps against his bottle, unsure whether to ask what he wants to ask, but he gives in. “Guk-ah, where’s Yoongi?”
“He went back to his place. I told him I felt sleepy so I came back home.” Seokjin’s breath hitches. It’s a little laughable to say that they have rules for this - especially when whatever it was is already over - but not staying with Yoongi on a big night for his career and instead calling one of his best friends is certainly something that would go against them.
“Seokjin-hyung,” Jeongguk’s voice is clear and stable now. “Come over?”
But Seokjin will always be the first to admit that while he often tries to avoid doing the wrong thing, he very often does the impulsive thing.
The elevator up to Jeongguk’s apartment is shared with a young family, a couple and their small child - a perfect picture of domesticity that sets a deep ache in Seokjin’s heart. It makes the ride up feel stifling, like he’s not meant to admire or want such normalcy, not with his intentions for visiting Jeongguk.
By the time he knocks on Jeongguk’s door, he’s already so done with this night of admonishing himself, of maintaining careful behavior, that his facade of self-control is gone when Jeongguk opens it.
Despite Jeongguk’s composed face not betraying anything, he witnesses in real time how his body goes from tense to relieved at the sight of Seokjin.
Seokjin steps in and shuts the door behind him, shedding off his coat to throw on the kitchen island. He leans back on the door with a dark and heavy gaze on Jeongguk’s face.
“Why am I here, Jeongguk?”
With two steps, the younger wraps himself around Seokjin’s body, hiding his face in Seokjin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry- I know that you’re free to go after whoever you want and that I don’t get an opinion and that I have no right to be jealous, I know-“
No, this won’t do.
Seokjin gives Jeongguk a slight push, not missing the instant panic that shifts onto Jeongguk’s face, before turning them around to press him against the door.
“Hyung.” Jeongguk’s eyes are wide and wet.
“Guk,” he says, voice rough as he crowds closer, brushing his nose against Jeongguk’s, “Why am I here?”
Jeongguk noticeably swallows, but he’s able to respond calmly. “You know why.”
And that’s all Seokjin needs to crash his lips against Jeongguk’s, the younger immediately draping his hands around the elder’s neck. They kiss desperately, devouringly. Seokjin channels all of his frustration into Jeongguk’s mouth, grazing his teeth along his bottom lip, swallowing his moans when Jeongguk opens his mouth for Seokjin’s tongue. Jeongguk in turn pushes his hips against Seokjin’s, chasing friction as he brings the man as close to his body as possible. He begins to unbutton Seokjin’s light blue Oxford shirt, pulling with rough eagerness, sighing as Seokjin’s tongue curls around his.
“Hyung,” he gasps for air, Seokjin sliding his lips down to his neck. The kisses here are light, soft. A lingering, cooling trail of wetness from his earlobe to his collarbone.
“Hyung, please. Please.” He can’t get enough of hearing Jeongguk beg. Not when he’s wanted for Jeongguk’s affection for so long, even if this is the only way he has ever been able to get it.
He pulls away, tugging at Jeongguk’s shirt to get it off.
“What do you want, baby?”
Once the garment is thrown to the ground, Jeongguk’s fingers immediately fall to Seokjin’s belt, unbuckling it with a practiced ease. The younger even has the nerve to snicker as he presses his palm against Seokjin, eliciting a harsh moan from the elder.
“Fuck me,” Jeongguk speaks against his neck, a firm kiss planted right underneath his jaw. “Please.”
Any other time, he’d be surprised. Jeongguk is the one who is usually keen to be inside of Seokjin. But the words bring the harsh reality of what they’re doing to the forefront of Seokjin’s conscience.
He shouldn’t.
They shouldn’t.
Not again.
Seokjin drops his forehead to Jeongguk’s bare shoulder, his hands stilling on his hips. “Jeon Jeongguk, you’ll be the death of me. You know we can’t keep doing this. You’re the one who said that you wanted to figure things out with Yoongi. You made your choice.”
A breath.
“I know." Jeongguk’s voice is quieter when he speaks. "But I just couldn’t stop thinking about you and that - I know it’s fucked up. That I shouldn’t ask this of you. But – we never – we never had a real goodbye. To us. Can we just have one more time? And I’ll never bother you like this again,” The younger wraps his arms around Seokjin’s shoulders, “Can you be mine, just for tonight?”
That’s the problem, he thinks. He’ll always be Jeongguk’s.
He presses a soft kiss on the tattoo covering Jeongguk’s right shoulder.
Seokjin shouldn’t be here.
Not hovering over Jeongguk, both of his hands flat beside his head, drinking in the sight of a naked Jeongguk below him. He shouldn’t revel in Jeongguk’s lustful stare as he leans back to sit on his heels, shrugging off his unbuttoned shirt before standing up to take off his pants and underwear. He shouldn’t be spreading Jeongguk’s legs, leaning down to wrap and move his lips around Jeongguk's cock until he completely hardens, locking his eyes on the other's the entire time. He shouldn’t be thrumming with anticipation as he crawls on top of Jeongguk and between his thighs, kissing his way up from his abs to his neck, stopping at his pecs to give one of his nipples a lick and a suck, the way he knows will make Jeongguk shudder. He shouldn’t be grazing his teeth on the younger’s pulse point, feeling his moans vibrating on his lips. He shouldn’t be allowing Jeongguk to dig his fingers into Seokjin’s back [marks are only ever left on Seokjin’s body, there can never be any evidence of them left on Jeongguk], intentionally flexing his back muscles so that Jeongguk can feel them shift under the pads of his fingers. Seokjin shouldn’t be laying his body down on top of his, pressing him deeper into the bed. And he shouldn’t bring his face up to meet Jeongguk’s eyes - Jeongguk’s hooded, vulnerable eyes - losing himself in them. He most certainly should not bring his lips, finally, sweetly, hopelessly, to the younger’s, slotting them together, nor letting Jeongguk suckle on his plump bottom lip while he tangles his fingers in his hair, kissing him like a lover would.
Because they weren’t lovers. They could never call themselves that. It was bad enough that they were here, doing this. Again. To call themselves anything bordering on romantic, anything that could paint this horrible thing that they were doing as something resembling good would only be a mockery of what love is supposed to be.
Not when Yoongi unconditionally trusts them both.
And yet, as he licks into Jeongguk’s warm mouth, melting into him, he knows, despite telling himself otherwise, that he wouldn’t have changed anything if he could.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk’s panting breath stirs him out of his thoughts. “Don’t use a condom tonight. I want to feel you.”
Seokjin’s eyes widen, “Uh-”. He stills.
His hesitance makes Jeongguk freeze as well.
“You haven’t - I mean do we … have to use them? Is there -”
“I haven’t slept with anyone else, if that’s what you were going to ask. I’m clean. But have you and -” Seokjin stops there, unable to say his name. “If you’ve had sex in the past few days, then we should use them,” he says, the clinical tone making both Jeongguk and him grimace.
“We haven’t. Done anything, I mean. We're only talking, we’re not even officially back together yet.”
Yet.
This is a mistake, he shouldn’t be here.
A hand touches his cheek. “Hey. Hey. What’s wrong?” Jeongguk asks, concern laced in his tone.
“Everything about this, Guk-ah,” he responds with a dry laugh.
“Hyung, if you … if you don’t want this, we can stop.”
That’s the thing. Jeongguk always gives him a way out. Seokjin never takes it. The temptation of Jeongguk in his arms always proves too great.
He presses his forehead to Jeongguk’s. “This is the last time. After tonight, we’re only friends. This never happens again.”
Jeongguk nods.
“I mean it, Guk.”
The kiss Jeongguk places on his lips is gentle, lingering. He can taste the remnants of tequila and grapefruit flavored soju on Jeongguk’s tongue, and he hopes to god that Jeongguk made this decision sober. But he knows Jeongguk chose this sincerely when the younger brushes his thumbs across Seokjin’s cheekbones, eyes wide and genuine. “I’ll be better. I promise. We just need closure, right? So that we can move on.”
Seokjin doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to move on. This whole affair will leave lasting scars on him, some wounds will always remain red and glaring.
He returns Jeongguk’s kiss with more force, pouring all of his want and heart into it, pushing his head deep into the pillow. If he can’t have him ever again, then he at least wants Jeongguk’s body to forever hold the memory of Seokjin’s touch, the warmth of his skin against his, how they were able to meld perfectly together. For his body to never forget the way Seokjin touched love - love - all over Jeongguk. Jeongguk will probably actively try to forget whatever feelings he developed for him, but maybe his body will remember something.
He reaches one hand down to wrap around Jeongguk’s length, thumbing his slit at the top. He uses the precum to create a smooth glide, pumping his fist up and down slowly, Jeongguk breathing harshly beneath him.
“Are you sure about no condoms?”
“Yes,” Jeongguk groans. “I want to feel all of you.”
Seokjin sucks in a deep breath, “Ok.”
The bottle of lube they’ve been using is almost empty, but it’ll be enough for tonight. When Seokjin settles himself back in between Jeongguk’s legs, towering over the younger, he almost wishes he could take a picture of Jeongguk like this. Body glistening with the sheen of sweat, his muscles tense with anticipation, his wavy hair damp, his face -
His face.
There’s a look on Jeongguk’s face. He’s seen it a couple of times before. It’s intense, but vulnerable. Seokjin tells himself that he’s interpreting the wrong meaning from his features, that he’s reading what he wants to. He almost wants Jeongguk to look away, because he doesn’t like hoping for feelings that come with that stare, the warmth, the adoration, the love. But at the same time, he wants his eyes on him, pitifully willing to take whatever Jeongguk can give. He can’t say any of this to Jeongguk, he can’t ask what his look means, Jeongguk might not even realize that he’s doing it. If anything, Jeongguk will simply apologize, upset at having hurt Seokjin but not for not loving him. And Seokjin can’t blame him. He knew what he was signing up for.
So instead of telling him to look away, to look anywhere but at Seokjin, he sinks a lubed-up finger inside of Jeongguk, breathing in relief when Jeongguk shuts his eyes in a moan.
Enjoy this, he tells himself, this is the last time. Make it good for the both of you.
He massages Jeongguk’s walls slowly, his fingers knowing exactly what to do. Eventually, Jeongguk begs for more and Seokjin adds another, scissoring them inside of the man underneath him, opening him up for Seokjin. Once he starts using three fingers, he finally begins to brush against Jeongguk’s prostate, a spot that he was deliberately avoiding specifically to annoy Jeongguk. When Jeongguk clenches his jaw and stifles his moan to avoid giving Seokjin the satisfaction of knowing how well he can play him, Seokjin only quirks his eyebrow and presses on it harder.
Sex is sometimes like this for them. A push and pull, teasing each other throughout. A competition. Might not be entirely healthy for the current moment, but it’s them.
Eventually, it all becomes too much - Jeongguk needing something more, something deeper; Seokjin’s cock feeling neglected and untouched.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk gasps as Seokjin pumps his fingers in and out, “fuck me. Please, god, fuck me.” Before Seokjin can even reach for the lube, Jeongguk is grabbing it himself, spilling it onto his hand and sitting up to grab Seokjin’s cock. Seokjin hisses upon contact, finally feeling some relief as Jeongguk coats his length with the last bit of lube they have left.
They kiss, Seokjin grabbing himself at the base as he gently lays Jeongguk back down before guiding himself to his entrance. He teases again, just so he can hear another frustrated yell, before he begins to push in.
He goes slow.
Not for taunting, nor because it’s his usual preference. But knowing that this is the last time, he wants to feel everything, the way Jeongguk probably does as well. The drag of his cock inside of Jeongguk’s warm walls, the lack of barrier between them, is almost overwhelming for the both of them.
He pushes Jeongguk’s legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as his hands dig deep into the meat of Jeongguk’s thighs.
“Hyung, so - so good, feels so - fuck - good,” Jeongguk pants as Seokjin buries himself inside, keeping his doe eyes on his face.
“Yeah, baby? You feel so good for me too, Guk. So warm- and – god – so tight. Always take me so well.”
Jeongguk places his hands on Seokjin’s shoulders, tapping against them before sighing, “Move hyung, please.”
It might be the unrequited love talking, but fucking Jeongguk always feels like heaven. Seokjin’s pace is fierce but with precision, angling his hips just right to get the gasps and whines he wants out of Jeongguk. Yet, he doesn’t think it compares to the way Jeongguk arches his back to bring Seokjin in deeper, how he meets Seokjin’s thrusts with his rolling hips, the way his walls massage Seokjin as he moves inside of him. Jeongguk has always excelled at everything and that included both fucking and being fucked by Seokjin.
But sex was never just sex with Jeongguk. In the middle of it all there was always Seokjin’s heart. Things have gone too far, have gotten too messy because as much as he wants to tell himself that he’s being silly, he can’t help but feel that some of his affection is returned at depths Jeongguk had never planned for. He feels it in the way Jeongguk’s hold on him is firm, but delicate, in the way he keeps trying to hold his eyes open and on Seokjin, in the way he holds Seokjin’s face close to his, not always kissing, but always there. It’s too much.
So, he moves his face to Jeongguk’s neck, grunting pleasure into it as he inhales the scent of him. He lets go of his legs to bring his arms to Jeongguk’s waist. The thrusts now are shallower, but Jeongguk’s cock is caught between them, making the younger moan into Seokjin’s ear.
Jeongguk uses the grip in his sweat-drenched hair to brings his face up and kiss him deeply, Seokjin now moving his hips to a more languid pace but reaching deep inside of Jeongguk every time his hips meet the younger’s ass.
“Hyung, that feels good. Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”
“I won’t,” he promises, “I got you.”
“You’re - you’re mine?”
“I’m yours.”
Jeongguk’s moans reach a crescendo until they break on a soundless gasp, his back arching as he hooks his legs around Seokjin’s hips, bringing his body as close to his as possible as he comes untouched on their stomachs.
“Seokjin, let me feel you. Please. Fill me, make me feel yours,” he pants into his ears, still holding on tightly to Seokjin. His hole hasn’t stopped spasming around Seokjin’s cock, sucking him in, and with Jeongguk’s hot breath begging him to finish inside of him, the tension in Seokjin’s body releases, his orgasm shuddering throughout his body. Stars erupt behind his eyes, white heat flooding his entire body. His hips stutter, and he lets Jeongguk milk him dry as the younger presses kisses all over his face.
“Seokjin-hyung, mine. Mine," Jeongguk mumbles under his breath.
His body collapses on Jeongguk’s. The younger doesn’t seem to mind the dead weight given that he keeps his arms secure around Seokjin’s neck, refusing to let go. Seokjin feels physically satiated, but the exhaustion of the night only sinks deeper into the marrow of his bones. Jeongguk keeps planting small kisses on the side of his head, his legs still tight around Seokjin’s hips. It feels intimate, but it’s not meant to last. The sweat and cum on their bodies is already starting to cool, the moment close to over.
“Let me clean us up, hm?”
Jeongguk constricts his hold. “Hyung,” he groans softly.
Seokjin gives his forehead a tender kiss. “I’ll be back, Guk. But I just need to get a towel, ok?”
Running a washcloth under hot water, he grows concerned. Jeongguk is almost never like this. He doesn’t get clingy in bed, doesn’t get quiet and soft. Usually, there’s light-hearted teasing or casual cuddling, but the undercurrent of sadness and vulnerability present in Jeongguk now is new.
When he comes back to Jeongguk’s room, he approaches him wordlessly, carefully cleaning him of the cum on and inside of his body, waiting for Jeongguk to speak first. But the younger says nothing, refusing to look at him as Seokjin takes care of him.
It isn’t until he’s placed the used towel in the hamper and reaching for his pants that Jeongguk speaks.
“What are you doing?” Jeongguk’s face is half-hidden into a pillow, but Seokjin can still see the frown on his lips.
“Grabbing my phone to check the time?” It’s a lie, they both know that. Seokjin was dressing to leave. To run, like a coward.
“Don’t go,” Jeongguk says, voice hoarse [from sex? from panic?], “I know tomorrow is a workday, but do you think you can stay a little while longer?”
Confused, Seokjin nods and lets go of his pants, walking back to Jeongguk. He lies down facing him, grabbing the hand that lies between them. Jeongguk uses it to pull Seokjin closer, until the elder’s head is under his chin.
"I've been meaning to tell you," he murmurs as he strokes his hair, "I like the black. Like that you've still kept it long too."
Seokjin nuzzles into Jeongguk's neck. "Thanks. I did it myself. Just needed a change, I guess."
They stay like that for a moment. Quiet, save their soft breathing and beating hearts. Warm bare skin embracing each other.
“I don’t want you to think that you don’t mean anything to me, hyung,” Jeongguk whispers, each word a dagger in the silence.
“Jeongguk, you don’t have to-”
“I do have to. Because you have to know, hyung. This is all my fault; I’ve been so fucking selfish. I just can’t - I can’t hurt him any more than I already have.”
Seokjin’s eyes sting with tears, but he won’t cry. Not now. Maybe later, when he’s alone, when he doesn’t have to hold himself back for the sake of someone else, but not now.
“I’ve been selfish too, Guk.”
“But not in the way that I’ve been,” Jeongguk takes a deep breath, “I do like you. Please know that. Please know that I like you too.”
And Seokjin’s heart stops, the words he had wanted to hear for so long now unleashing hurt instead of the comfort he thought it would bring. He tries to push back the memory of him confessing to Jeongguk when his feelings became too much to deny, still early on in their affair. And then the memory of Jeongguk rejecting him only a few days ago. When he doesn’t say anything, Jeongguk continues, voice low. “What you said at the bar, me not liking you, that’s not true. I know I shouldn’t have behaved that way; it was so fucking childish. But, god, I can’t even put into words how much I like you.”
But not enough, a is what a pettier Seokjin would respond with.
“Thank you,” he whispers back instead, “I know this isn't easy for you, Guk. I know you love him. I don’t blame you for wanting to make it work with him. That was always the agreement anyways.” He takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of them present on Jeongguk’s chest, “I knew what I was getting myself into. I don’t want to hurt him either.”
All of this will remain a secret. No one will ever know. Jeongguk and Seokjin will move on with their lives until this night, and all of their previous nights, becomes a faded memory. It will be as if nothing ever happened.
“The next person that you love,” Jeongguk says wetly, “they’re going to be so fucking lucky, hyung.”
And god bless Seokjin’s sense of humor for never missing a single opportunity, “I mean, yeah? Obviously.”
It gets the intended reaction. Jeongguk releases an unattractive snort into his hair but the sound quickly turns into a choked sob. “Please don’t choose someone with more muscles than me, it’ll be really bad for my ego,” he teases through tears.
Seokjin pulls his head away from Jeongguk’s chest, and moves to cup Jeongguk’s face between his hands. His heart breaks upon seeing Jeongguk’s red-rimmed eyes, the tears staining his cheeks. And well, honestly? He’s more than a little surprised. He’s never thought lowly of Jeongguk, and he never once believed that Jeongguk would be able to walk away from this with no attachment, but he’s realizing now that he had underestimated Jeongguk’s feelings for him.
“Hey,” he whispers, nudging his nose with his own, “It’ll be really hard to find someone with better thighs than you.” Jeongguk smiles, small and sad, but it’s there.
“Jeongguk-ah, I love you. So much,” he says with a shaky voice, “and it’s normal right? For it to hurt a little. But your reasons -”
He takes another breath.
“- for choosing Yoongi aren’t wrong. You two have so much history, yeah? You loved him before you ever felt anything for me. I get it. Ok?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
He knows. “I know.”
“I'll understand if you don’t - if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, but I don't want to lose you.”
“Look, it’ll probably be a while before we can hang out just the two of us. I’m going to need time, Guk. But we’ll still be friends. I promise.”
Jeongguk nods. “Why are you comforting me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? You should be mad at me. Yell at me. Complain to others about what an asshole I am.”
Seokjin is mad. He doesn’t think he would be human if he wasn’t. He’s mad at Jeongguk for not choosing him, for asking him for one more night knowing the damage it will cause afterwards. He’s mad at himself for wanting Jeongguk to choose him, knowing how that could only come with hurting Yoongi. And for always running to Jeongguk as soon as he asked. But more than anything he’s just mad at their entire situation. At meeting the right person at the wrong time. But telling Jeongguk any of that wouldn’t do any good. Not when he can see the guilt that Jeongguk is already imposing on himself.
“There’s no point in making any of this worse,” he reasons instead.
Jeongguk nibbles on his bottom lip, still cleaning his face from his tears. “Hyung, let me do one thing for you. Please? Whatever you want. I don’t - I don’t want to end this with me just having taken and taken without giving you anything in return.”
The request is an attempt at a peace offering, but it tastes acrid in Seokjin’s mouth. What could he possibly ask for that could even compare to what he wants the most? He’s already accepted that he can’t have Jeongguk, that he’ll have to move on. There’s nothing that Jeongguk can give him that will save him from that process. But Jeongguk’s eyes are so genuine, so longing, that he knows coming up with something will help the both of them. All he can think of is extending this night, this bubble, for as long as possible.
“Then can I stay?” Seokjin asks hesitantly, “I’ll leave early in the morning to shower back to my place before work. But can I stay tonight?”
Jeongguk noticeably relaxes in his arms. “Yes, of course. I want you here.”
It’s a restless night.
Seokjin awakens to the sight of the hazy blue light of dawn infiltrating Jeongguk’s room. It’s early - much too early for Seokjin’s preferences, and probably earlier than what he had set his alarm for. He can feel Jeongguk’s arm around his waist, his chest upon his back, steadily breathing in and out. He takes some selfish seconds for himself, grazing the veins and tattoos of the arm draped around him with his fingertips, indulging in the feel of the warm, solid chest behind him.
Eventually, he has no choice but to get up. Time was never on their side. He unwraps Jeongguk's arm from his waist carefully and untangles his legs. He makes no noise as he sits on the end of the bed and redresses, his eyes on Jeongguk sleeping peacefully the entire time. Jeongguk like this almost looks childlike - his cheeks puffy with sleep mask his defined jaw, his usually calm and collected face drawn into a pout, lips slightly parted. He almost leans in to give Jeongguk one final kiss - on the lips, on the cheek, anywhere. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to risk waking him, it’s no longer their night and the light of day is making this entire situation seem a little less tragic and a little bit more pathetic.
He’ll move on. He has to. People heal from heartbreak all the time.
Jeongguk will eventually forget whatever feelings he has for him.
He and Yoongi will be happy. In love.
So he doesn’t kiss him. He stands up and leaves, gently closing the bedroom door behind him. Jeongguk’s apartment is small, a one-bedroom with a kitchen, something that's supposed to pass for a living room and not much else, but it’s one of Seokjin’s favorite places. Every inch of the space screams Jeongguk, from the collectible figurines neatly organized in his bedroom to the work station that takes up an entire wall in the living room just through speakers and monitors alone. He commits it all to memory - it will probably be a while before he feels ready to come back here again.
He checks his phone for the time, thumbing through the notifications on his screen. There’s a message from Hoseok, bemoaning his drunken state, swearing to never drink again, and committing Seokjin (without even asking) to drinks again on Thursday. He laughs, a small reprieve from his melancholy, replying ‘sure, fine, whatever’.
But he freezes when he sees a message from Yoongi – a thank you for coming out, that he knows he and Seokjin have both been busy lately, and that he’s grateful that Seokjin proposed a meal. That he hopes they can schedule it soon.
He doesn’t answer right away. He can’t. Not while he’s still in Jeongguk’s apartment, the smell of their bodies still clinging to him. But the message serves as a reminder that no matter how much he may love Jeongguk, it was never meant to last. He wants to groan. To scream. His heart aches at the thought of Yoongi ever knowing, of causing pain to his own friend. He doesn't know yet if Jeongguk will tell him, but if he does then he knows he'll deserve whatever consequences come his way.
It was wrong when they did this the first time. When it was Jeongguk thrusting inside of him, moving their bodies up and down on Seokjin’s couch, Seokjin moaning beneath him as Jeongguk grunted in his ear. Yoongi and Jeongguk had decided to go on a break only three days earlier, and Seokjin is more than certain that despite their agreement allowing them to see other people, Yoongi never imagined - nor would he have been okay with - Jeongguk fucking one of his best friends.
They didn’t speak to each other for days afterwards, the guilt of what they had done very nearly incinerated their friendship, flames of shame swallowing them whole.
Their friends had noticed something was wrong. So had Yoongi. The eldest and the youngest of the group had always had the easiest banter between them, always orbiting around each other, amusing the others with their natural shared playfulness. The sudden icing over of their friendship - the way they refused to look or speak at each other when they were all hanging out, no longer mentioning the other in conversations, no reactions to messages sent in their group chat - was hard to miss. Yoongi, who still loved Jeongguk despite their complicated status, and who always looked out for Seokjin, tried to encourage them to talk it out, never even tried to pry for information. [Jeongguk told him that he cried himself to sleep the night Yoongi gave him a pep talk to reach out to Seokjin, that he was sure they could work through whatever the issue was. They didn’t deserve Yoongi’s kindness.] Everyone else chalked it up to a slight tiff that must have occurred, but that it was probably something that Seokjin and Jeongguk could very likely resolve on their own. Surely, this was something that they could get over in a couple of days. After all, the two fought every now and then, as friends sometimes do. So no one pushed. Jeongguk and Seokjin would work it out.
And they did. They tried. As terrible as Seokjin felt about what he had done, he missed Jeongguk, his friendship, his smile. Whatever attraction he felt towards the younger would simply have to be let go of, he couldn’t live without Jeongguk. And Jeongguk felt the same.
They met at a coffee shop. It had to be somewhere public, somewhere where they wouldn’t let themselves get emotional. Somewhere they couldn’t make another mistake. The conversation was horribly awkward and stilted, both of them agreeing that they felt sick about what they had done. So, they agreed to forget about it. To never, ever, mention it, to move on.
And it had worked. For a while.
Until it happened again.
Once is a mistake, twice is a choice. Three, four, eventually they stopped counting. They knew that what they were doing wouldn’t end well for anyone. They ended it, tried to end it, multiple times. But for some reason, for however all-consuming the guilt was, for however it nearly destroyed their friendship the first time it happened, how it could damage their entire group, how it could damage Yoongi, it never proved enough to hold them back from doing it again.
They’ve talked about it, of course. How Seokjin felt that he was supposed to be the responsible one, given his age relative to Jeongguk’s, that he had known Yoongi for longer, that he was the best friend. Jeongguk would then try to take the blame himself - he was the newcomer, the boyfriend, that at least Seokjin possessed enough self-awareness to break up with Taehyung as soon as he realized he was developing feelings for Jeongguk, weeks before they had even started. That because Yoongi and Jeongguk were still together at the time, Seokjin had at least tried to put some distance between him and the couple, wanting, needing, room to get over his feelings.
But how could Jeongguk have known what Seokjin was doing and why he was doing it? All he knew was that Seokjin was closing off, and while Jeongguk knew that Seokjin could be that way with other people, it devastated him to be on the receiving end of it. So, he chased after Seokjin, stuck to his side like glue, never analyzing why it was that he couldn’t bear any growing distance between them.
And Seokjin let him close the gap. Seokjin let his own feelings grow deeper roots into his heart, despite it being something that could not be returned.
He promised Jeongguk a friendship, but, if he's honest, he's worried if that's ruined now as well.
He wonders about the day when it won’t hurt to think of Jeongguk, when he'll be able to look back at this moment and scoff at himself for being an idiot. He hopes that Yoongi never finds out, will never hate him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to stop loving Jeongguk, but he hopes that one day it will be a different type of love – one without longing, one where he’s not holding on to these stolen moments that never should have been theirs in the first place and made him a person he never wanted to be. At the very least, the end of this is welcomed by his sanity, even if it’s rejected by his heart.
Because the truth of the matter is that you can’t fall in love with the love of your best friend’s life and expect a happy ending. Someone will inevitably get hurt, and honestly, you’d be an asshole to hope that it’s anyone other than you, the person who developed the inconvenient feelings. Even if Jeongguk and Yoongi had broken up completely, it would have been an impossibility with Yoongi’s feelings for Jeongguk. From the beginning, from the very second Seokjin realized that he what he felt for Jeongguk went beyond friendly fondness, this would have been the extent of what he could have received. A relationship rooted in sheets and secrecy, the promise of an occasional warm body but never a complete heart. Seokjin would have been a fool to think otherwise.
There wouldn’t be a romantic blooming love between Jeongguk and Seokjin. No bashful first kisses nor nerve-wracking first dates. That was Jeongguk and Yoongi’s story, not theirs. Their moment ended hours ago.
He looks around one last time. This is it. The end. A painful contraction of his heart, a lump in his throat. There’s no avoiding the pain of loss, but there’s no avoiding this outcome either.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a notebook and pen on Jeongguk’s work desk and he realizes he should at least leave a goodbye note. But upon uncapping the pen and tearing out a sheet of paper, his hand freezes. It’s not like he can write ‘Thanks for last night, had a good time’ or ‘Take care, see you soon’, as if it had been a casual hookup. Not when there’s so much to say.
He anxiously taps the tip of the pen on the notebook, all of the things he wants Jeongguk to know threatening to spill out. How he’ll always have his heart, how he hopes – genuinely hopes – that he and Yoongi will be happy. To not feel too bad, Seokjin’s a big boy, he’ll move on. He wants to remind him of all the things that he needs to do to take care of himself now that Seokjin will be keeping his distance for a while. That he loves him. Loves, loves him.
With a stroke he begins, putting to paper the last intimacy that he will share with Jeongguk.