The Great Pilk Challenge

by SandwichSage

Summary:

Capella shows up at the Astrea manor and challenges Felt to see who can drink more Pepsi-milk (pilk)!

Bet you weren't expecting to read a sentence like that today

Crack

Notes:

I wrote this in about 4 hours between other things. This will be forever known as my joke fic that shouldn't be taken seriously. I pin blame on Prophellwinter and Syra97 for infecting me with Capella/pilk brainrot, and EmiliaNatsuki and speedcar for perpetuating the wheel of madness. You guys are the best of the worst

Chapter 1

Reinhard had just come back from his afternoon errands, just a few check-ins and a quick patrol, but he was still happy to be home. He opened the front door to the Astrea mansion, and froze in place when he saw what and who was on the other side, namely the table placed in the middle of the foyer and the three people surrounding it.

 

“Oh, it’s you. Figured you’d show up eventually.” Felt was the first to speak, crossing her arms and looking at her knight as if he was here to ruin her fun. She stood at one end of the table. 

 

“Yo, Reinhard! What’s up?” Subaru spoke up next, waving a hand at him from the opposite side of the table. He had sent a letter a day prior mentioning his intent to come visit, but Reinhard hadn’t expected him to arrive before he came back.

 

“How’s it going, meatbag?” Capella was the last to speak, standing opposite to Felt, her arms crossed in a similar manner to that of her kin.

 

That…

 

That’s a Sin Archbishop. In his home.

 

The Sin Archbishop of Lust was in the Astrea manor, and both Felt and Subaru didn’t seem to care. Fearing some kind of mind-control, Reinhard grabbed the handle of his sword. 

 

“Relax man, it’s all good.” Subaru declared, stopping Reinhard from leaping into immediate action, “I know how this looks, but I can explain. See, this lunatic right here,”

 

“Hello~!” Capella raised a hand and twiddled her fingers at Reinhard. He frowned at her.

 

“decided to show up unannounced and challenge Felt to a contest for the rightful claim to the throne.” Subaru pointed to the wall off to the side, alerting Reinhard to the Capella-shaped hole in his wall. “I was having Felt try some of my homemade pilk, so Capella challenged her to a pilk-drinking contest, and I’m the referee!”

 

Reinhard squinted his eyes, trying to process the ridiculous story that was just told to him. “What is pilk?”

 

“Pepsi and milk, duh."

“What is Pepsi !?”

 

“It’s a sweet and bubbly drink from my homeland I recreated. Mix it with milk and you get pilk!”

 

“Why mix it with milk?”

 

“Damn dude, what is this, 20 questions?”

 

“I’ve… only asked you three questions.”

 

“Look, don’t overthink it!” Felt interrupted, “This bitch here challenged me to a duel, and I refuse to back down! Besides, it's an easy win for me! Her old lady stomach probably can’t handle it!”

 

“In your putrid little dreams, you little brat!” Capella shouted back, “You’re just some gutter-rat who talks big! In fact, you’re not even a rat! More like a tiny little hamster, running on her wheel all day long, expending her energy just to get nowhere in life!”

 

Felt grabbed the edges of the table like she wanted to flip it, gritting her teeth at Capella’s venomous words. “Nobody calls me a hamster and gets away with it! Subaru, first glass!”

 

“Coming right up!” Felt had pointed a finger at Subaru, who hurriedly began to pour equal parts milk and Pepsi out of separate jugs and into a lone glass.

 

“Me too! Do mine, stupid scrawny boy!” Capella slapped the table a few times like an impatient child who wanted attention.

 

“Yeah, yeah…” Subaru was far less enthusiastic about pouring hers.

 

“Subaru, do you mind if I join you as a judge?” Reinhard asked, a worried tone in his voice

 

“Yeah man, sure. I’m just gonna be counting glasses, so there’s not much else for you to do.”

 

“That’s fine. I was more concerned with the looming threat of a Sin Archbishop being within such close proximity to you and Felt-sama.”

 

“Oh… right. I guess I didn’t really think about that.”

 

“Me either.” Felt said plainly, shrugging her shoulders as Subaru passed her a glass of pilk. The liquid was off-white and watery, with slight signs of bubbles rising to the surface. 

 

“I did, but I didn't say anything.” Capella bragged, trying to sound like the smartest person in the room, Subaru carefully sliding her a glass as well. 

 

“Alright Crapella you megalomaniac, are you ready for this?”

 

“Please, I know I can drink more of this ‘pilk’ stuff than you any day of the week. Drink up, you little brat!” With that, Capella and Felt both downed their drinks within seconds, slamming their empty glasses down on the table at the same time.

 

“ANOTHER!” Both members of the royal family shouted at the same time, leaving Subaru torn between who to serve first. Serving Capella first would make Felt feel like second best, and if he served Felt first Capella would grab his head and squish it into Subaru jelly.

 

Thankfully, a scarlet bell chimed just beside him. “Don’t worry Subaru, I’ll help you out!” Reinhard came in to pour a cup of pilk for his liege, leaving Subaru to entertain the needs of the lustful archbishop. Glass after glass they poured for the petite blonde girls that stood across from each other, a true blood feud boiling before the two knights’ very eyes.

 

---

 

Ten minutes later and all the pilk was gone. All the milk they had brought out and all the Pepsi Subaru had made was depleted, drunken away by the two bottomless pits that had faced off one another so valiantly. Felt and Capella were both leaning back into their seats and groaning in discomfort, both had their eyes closed with a hand on their stomach to nurse their shared stomach pains. 

 

“This was such a stupid idea.” Subaru mumbled under his breath, lamenting the fact that he wasted his precious time on something so asinine as a pilk-drinking contest. In the end, both girls ended up drinking the exact same amount of glasses, so there was no true winner here tonight. With their abdomens in horrible pain and the knights’ time thoroughly wasted, it was safe to say that they were all losers here tonight. “I’m never making another batch of Pepsi as long as I live.”

 

“It’s probably for the best.” Reinhard agreed. He had cheered his lady on throughout the faceoff, but his excited face full of support slowly digressed into remorse and disgust as he was forced to watch Felt gorge herself on some drink, one that he was convinced was some joke concoction. “Do you need a ride home?”

 

“That’d be awesome man, yeah! Thanks!”

 

“What about me?” Capella hopped up out of her seat, then grabbed her stomach from moving too quickly. She held a finger up for them to wait for her to recover, then she stood proud like nothing had happened. “ I could use a ride home too, so long as you’re offering.”

 

“That was just for Subaru…” 

 

“What, you don’t treat your guests the same in this house? How rude!” She crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air, making both Subaru and Reinhard grumble to themselves.

 

“Fine. What direction do you live in?” 

 

“Mmmmm, around that direction! You can just drop me off at-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” With a running start, Reinhard kicked Capella so hard in the direction she pointed to, that he accidentally made an identical Capella-shaped hole in his wall right above the first one. Once she broke through the wall she just kept going, her body spinning with excess momentum until she disappeared over the horizon line with a twinkle, vanishing somewhere on the other side of the Gustekan border.

 

“Heh. Good one.” Subaru smiled at the sight of Capella getting punted across the continent, reminding him of how lucky he was to have Reinhard as his buddy.

 

“Now that she’s taken care of, shall we?” Reinhard turned cheerful again when he addressed Subaru, turning around and falling on one knee after he did so. “Hop on my back and we’ll be off!”

 

“Oh, you mean like that? I thought you meant…” Subaru was thinking more along the lines of calling in a dragon carriage, not a piggy-back ride from the Sword Saint!

 

“Ah, perhaps you would like to be carried like a princess? Or I could hold you over my shoulders like a child!”

 

“... Just let me get on your back already! Damn!” His face flushing from the idea of being carried like a newly-wed by Reinhard gave him a bunch of different strange feelings, so he decided to shove them back down where they came from and climb onto his friend’s back.

 

“Felt-sama, I will return shortly!” 

 

“Take yer time.” Felt mumbled, waving a hand at her knight as if she was dismissing him. With a courtesy nod, Reinhard turned around and ran out the door with Subaru on his back. Reinhard looked back at Subaru, and Subaru looked into his azure eyes as he loved to do whenever they were together. They both leaned in and shared a passionate kiss between bros, lip-locking with each other to show how much they cared about each other. Felt watched as she held her stomach, used to her knight and her big bro kissing like this whenever they hung out, acknowledging that at this point it would be weirder if they didn't make out. After several seconds they finally separated, recovering their individual breaths while smiling like dorks at each other as Reinhard carried Subaru out the door.

 

Once they were outside, he leapt so hard that the entire mansion shook, almost drowning out the sound of Subaru screaming as he held on for dear life. Felt was happy to finally have some peace and quiet. She was far too bloated and queasy to be running around, so she moved to a couch in the next room over. On the small table in front of the couch was some experimental medicine that he wanted to try spread around called ‘Tums’. Coincidentally, it was a drug that was supposed to relieve stomach pains, so Felt happily popped a couple into her mouth and chewed on the chalky tablets as she began to lie down.

 

She doesn’t know how he did it, but Subaru managed to make these things taste like wild berries.

 

---

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in deep space...

Chapter 2: Requiem

Summary:

I can't believe I wrote a sequel for this. Big thanks to MagiCat and speedcar for help with the funny and Capella bits

Flies. 

 

One of the most annoying insects in the world, earning its place in the top bracket alongside mosquitoes and wasps. Now one has decided to go on a suicide mission and pester the most powerful sorcerer in Lugnica, the whole reason for its existence.

 

"Hmmm, what an insolent peeeee~st." At first he swatted at it casually, not bothering to give this nuisance the time of day. Then he got really annoyed and started to put some effort into it, swinging his arms erratically as if he had finally gone mad after all these centuries. If he still had his Tome of Wisdom laying around, he would’ve used it to smash this thing flat. As the Tome once said, 'jumping straight to unrelenting violence is the most wisdomous decision lmao'.

 

When the fly proved to be a more worthy adversary than he initially thought, Roswaal stood from his desk and began his assault of martial arts upon the insect. Using his arms, legs, forehead, and conveniently stashed pair of nunchucks, Roswaal began punching, kicking, headbutting, and swinging like a crazed lunatic. While each strike was as careful and as calculated as a well-oiled machine, any spectator would have told you that he looked more like a 5 year old playing pretend Karate in a sandbox.

 

"That does it!" After many unsuccessful attempts to crush the bug through conventional means, Roswaal had gotten fed up and resorted to magic, firing off all sorts of spells, from barrages of fireballs, high pressure waterspouts, razor sharp blades of wind, and laser beams from his fingers. Anything to destroy the winged menace that was invading his home and peace of mind.

 

"Why you little—!" Either Roswaal was having an off day, or this thing was straight up going Ultra Instinct on his ass, because not a single spell hit its mark. The fly kept buzzing and dodging all the mad wizard’s attacks until it found a gaping hole in the wall caused by the collateral destruction and flew out, returning to nature.

 

But that wasn’t a good enough ending for Roswaal. One of his bloodshot eyes twitched, he gnashed his teeth together, then began to raise his hands as he uttered one of the most powerful spells at his disposal.

 

“AL SHARIO!!!”

 

Meanwhile, Subaru and Beatrice were returning from a walk around the property, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere and pleasant weather while they could. Suddenly, the sunny skies became cloudy and the smell of brimstone filled the air. The skies had turned from blue to gray quite quickly, but now a deep, bright red began to bleed through the clouds.

 

“Gah! Beatrice, what the hell is going on!? I could’ve sworn that any kind of apocalyptic event wasn’t supposed to happen for another one to two years!”

 

Beatrice sighed, knowing the most probable cause of this catastrophe. “It would seem that yet another pest has evaded that fool’s reach. What a simpleton, I suppose.” 

 

Subaru and Beatrice’s reactions couldn’t have been more different, but when the meteors began to fall from the sky, they both ducked behind a nearby tree for cover (as if that would save them) while the lawn, shrubs, and even the poor innocent toolshed were crushed by the flaming boulders. Dozens of meteors were pulled in from space, keen on killing Roswaal’s most evasive nemesis to date, utterly demolishing his own property for a solid five minutes until the hellstorm began to subside.

 

Subaru and Beatrice poked their heads out to make sure the coast was clear, but only when the clouds dissipated and the sun shone down on them once again did they know it was safe. They once again resumed their pilgrimage back to the mansion and were greeted with the sight of Roswaal panting as he leaned out the window, covered in ash and his minihat aflame. He was looking off into the cratered mess his property had become, confident his foe had been vanquished for good. But as they continued to keep walking on their path, a fly buzzed past Subaru’s ear, flying away from the mansion totally unharmed.

 

What none of them knew, however, was that Roswaal’s spell had dragged more than just a few chunks of space debris. His powerful magic had unknowingly pulled in something, some one that had been banished from this world after being punted by the world’s strongest pilk referee. That someone raised an arm out of the crater made by her impact and dragged herself out, keen on returning to her old life. She had the unquenchable urge to boast, manipulate, be silly, and gaslight/gatekeep/girlboss all at once. But above all else…

 

She was craving some goddamn milk and Pepsi.

 

“So now are you going to explain to Betty why the Sword Saint called you ‘Babygirl’ earlier?”

 

“How about we stop talking for a little while?”

 

---

 

Meili Portroute awoke in a light daze, unsure of where she was. All she knew was that some serious bullcrap was about to unfold. 

 

She looked around and realized she was sitting at a table in what looked like an interrogation room. The only source of light was a lagmite lamp that hung from the ceiling, and it also illuminated the only other inhabitant of the room. It was someone she thought she would never have to see ever again, the root of most of her fears and insecurities in life, and that dreaded person was staring directly at her with their fingers making a pyramid shape in deep contemplation.

 

“He~llo, Meili my dear~.” Capella mused, shooting her ‘daughter’ a wink. That sing-song tone of voice sent shivers through Meili’s bones, rattling her down to her very core. “Would you like to play a game?”

 

“M-M-Mama? I-Is that r-really you?” Meili trembled as she spoke, trying not to believe that what she was seeing was actually real. With all her being, she prayed that this was just another trip she was having from nibbling on some of the dungeon mushrooms. She should’ve known better ever since the fourth time they sent her on some unwanted trip, but they were just too damn tasty to put down!

 

“That’s Space Mama to you! See my cool new crystals?” Capella rolled her shoulders to show off the badass crystals that were coming out of them, almost clear enough to be see-through. “See my cool new forehead crest?” She then pointed to the center of her forehead where a pointed, golden crest adorned her face. There was a momentary pause as she brought her leg up and slammed her foot onto the table, revealing what could only be described as utter swag—a pair of stylish, yet definitely off-brand Air Jordans. “Did you see my new pumps? I got them when I caught fire upon re-entry into the stratosphere!” Along the sides were intricately woven laces of crystals, emitting a bright rainbow-like hue, and her shoelaces had little emotes of her face printed along the winding cord. “It’s so cold Meili, aren’t you freezing ? Because I’m not! These pumps are straight FIRE! This lovely lady is DRIPPED AS HELL! KYAHAHAHAHAHA!” Her laughter ricocheted off the walls of the room, piercing Meili's ears with her proud, sickly-sweet voice.

 

“W-What do you want with me?” Meili was shaking like a leaf, fearing a long-postponed reprimanding for failing the mission and allowing Elsa to die. If she had any other regrets to name, it would be how she’d be crushed underfoot by a pair of Dollar Tree Air Jordans.

 

“Your lovely Space Mother just so happened to be re-entering the atmosphere, when she noticed you several meters underground and decided to liberate you from the people who have been keeping you from me over the past year!” Capella closed an eye and made a heart shape with her hands, placing Meili in the center of her vision. “You’re wel~come, by the way.”

 

Meili instinctively bowed her head, just how she had been trained to do. “Th-Thank you, Mam—” Capella’s eyes widened, “Sp-Space Mama! Thank you for saving my life, Space Mama!” Meili bowed her head even lower, her forehead pressing into the table. “You’re a real homie, on G!” Meili threw up one of the many gang signs that were taught to her as part of her training.

 

“Relax, relax, I’m not mad. Really, I’m not, it's fine.” Capella waved her hand, looking as if Meili was making a big deal out of nothing. That was, until she firmly planted her hands on the table, rocking it and scaring Meili into sitting up straight. “However, I do have a way for you to repay my generous kindness!” She peered into the child’s eyes for a few seconds longer than she had to, then leaned back to reach both her arms under the table. When she brought them back up, she put down a pitcher of milk and a pitcher of Pepsi, both equally full. “You and I are going to have a little contest. A type of ‘challenge’, if you will~.” Capella reached back down and this time brought up a couple of glasses. “Meili, my precious daughter, I hereby challenge you to a pilk drinking contest!”

 

“E-Eh!?!?” Meili didn’t even have time to question her ridiculous circumstances before Capella poured approximately 3/5 Pepsi and 2/5 milk into each glass, sliding one closer to Meili while keeping one for herself.

 

“I’ll be damned if that puny little runt that looks like me is going to make me look like a fool again! That’s why Space Mother needs yo~u to train with her, that way she can have aaaaall the victories in the world!” Capella clenched her fist. “Especially over that little runt that’s better off running on an oversized hamster wheel!” She inched Meili’s glass a little bit closer to her. “Now drink.”

 

“Y-Yes, Space Mama!” Not wanting to anger her any further, Meili quickly chugged down the drink that had been poured for her. It was no problem for her, but her space mom was not having such an easy time, sputtering over the carbonated beverage like it was alien to her. Eventually she slammed her glass down empty, long after Meili had done the same with hers.

 

“Not fair!” Capella claimed, “I’ve been in space that affects how I eat and stuff! Do-over!”

 

“Space Mama, can’t you just change your body to revert back to—”

 

“DO-OVER I SAID!!! Elsa, pour our next round!”

 

“What? Elsa!?” Meili looked around frantically for her dead older sister, but couldn’t see her anywhere.

 

“What’re you, blind and stupid? She’s right there!” Capella pointed a thumb over her crystal-laden shoulder to the buxom assassin leaning against the wall behind her. “Hey, you! Get that ridiculous ass of yours over here and pour us our damn drinks already!” Elsa just closed her eyes and shrugged, as if there was no way she could walk 4 feet and pour two glasses of pilk. No, that was so damn impossible for her that she decided to remain right where she was.

 

Meili looked where Capella was yelling, but her face of unease didn’t fade. “Space Mama, you’re somehow scaring me more than I thought you would, and after years of trauma, that’s saying a lot.”

 

“Yeah, whatever, fine! I’ll pour it my damn self!” She waved off her indifferent servant and poured another round for her and her ‘daughter’, eager to prove that she was still as hip as she ever was. The young people may have their youth, but she was about to dab on all of her haters and smoke all the dankest kush she could nab from Halibel’s personal stash. After that, she would snort the finest blow off the Margrave’s face as she collected his simp tears into a glass vial to throw at him later.

 

But first, victory needed to be hers. 

 

“Cheers!” Capella shouted before trying/failing to drink soda faster than a child. The cycle of pour, drink, cackle, yell and repeat went on for what seemed like hours to the senior citizen in teenage skin, but to the otherwise average child, this was just another Tuesday. Or whatever they use for Tuesday in this goddamn series. 

 

---

 

“I… I don’t understand…” Capella whined after barely finishing her 7th glass, “How are you so good at this!?” 

 

“I dunno, probably because Onii-san makes this stuff every other day for us back at the mansion.”

 

“What!?” Capella slammed her fists down. “I thought he swore off making Pepsi?”

 

Meili shrugged. “I guess he got over it.” She took the liberty of pouring herself another glass and taking a sip, then swirling it in her glass as if she were some kind of barfly. Capella meanwhile struggled to pour her own glass, and when she tried to take a sip of her unbalanced concoction, she promptly passed out, spilling her drink onto the table. Meili stood up so it didn't drip onto her lap.

 

---

 

It was several hours later when Capella awoke from her pilk-induced coma. She blinked a couple of times, adjusting to light pouring into the room behind her. Now that her senses were coming back to her, she realized it was a lot colder than she remembered, the pitchers of Pepsi and milk in front of her were completely frozen. She sat up and looked around to see snow pouring in from the door behind her, not to mention a pair of tiny bootprints that were leading outside. 

 

Capella rose from her wooden chair to investigate, only to find that her butt had frozen to her seat. She could have used her Authority to change into something capable of breaking out of such a situation, but Capella was far too tired and cold to do something as mundane as the logical course of action. Instead, she did a standing backflip and landed chair-first, snapping the wood into splinters and allowing her almost-bare ass to land right onto the concrete floor. Landing one’s bottom upon a hard surface would normally cause someone horrible pain or extreme pleasure, but for someone as hardened as Capella, she just sniffled at the numbing sensation in her butt bones.

 

It only took moments for her to be able to stand again, but when she took a step outside, even a perfectly repaired buttocks could not prepare her for this. What she thought was her impregnable fortress turned out to be nothing but a single room among the Gustekan cold, the rest of her lair laid in complete ruin and disarray. Had she hallucinated the entire hideout being intact when she met up with Elsa? Come to think of it, she recalled reading a report that Elsa had been slain in battle. Did Capella hallucinate her too? What about Meili, was she just another part of her Pilk-deprived imagination?

 

No, Meili was at least real. The bootprints in the snow leading out the door were no illusion, and neither were the mabeast footprints that eventually replaced them. Meili must have slipped out when she had passed out, then called a mabeast to take her home. Capella knew that getting into Gusteko by air was far easier than getting out on foot, but she knew better than to doubt the training of her own former employee. In fact, she can admit that she had a sliver of respect for the little girl, now that she finally made herself useful by learning how to handle the dark forces of pilk. But even still,

 

“Dammit Meili, you little brat! I WANTED A REMATCH!!!” Capella shook her fists in the air in pure anger, shredding her vocal chords in hopes that her message would carry all the way to the Margrave’s territory, then fell to her knees. It would be hard to kidnap her again now that she’s already done it once to hire her, then a couple more times to scare the shit out of her for funsies, then one last time after coming back from space. Besides, when it came down to it, she was still a long ways away from challenging that hamster-looking brat again, so she was at a loss for what to do for now.

 

Capella retracted the crystals sticking out of her shoulders and the crest that was in the center of her forehead, no longer caring about how cool space is. The truth was that space didn’t make her that way, she just wanted to get attention by claiming that going into deep space gave one crystalline properties, but it was all for naught. She also retracted her Air Jordans, hoping that showing off some drip in front of the young people would earn her some mad street cred, but that now felt like a far-off dream.

 

Now back in her classic attire of a dirty skank, she looked up into the sky and the eternal snowfall that came from it, wondering what she should do now that all she had was gone.

 

There was certainly nothing left for her here in the ruins of what used to be her beautiful base.

 

---

 

For many moons, Capella walked through the northern edge of the Gustekan border, venturing into the mountainside for the answers she sought. To stave off the cold and to look dramatic to anyone viewing her through the blizzard, she had made herself a black cape with purple lining to go with her outfit. It fluttered in the harsh breeze, yet it broke some of the wind from the wandering Archbishop’s face as she traversed through the knee-high snow.

 

As she reached the summit of one of the tallest mountains in the entire range, Capella looked upon the valley of endless snow, and fell to her knees on the very edge of the cliff.

 

“Why, Od Laguna!?” she cried as she pounded her fists against the ground, “Why have you forsaken me!? How the fuck am I supposed to get Pepsi now!?” Meili was probably in the hands of the Emilia camp by now, which means that security wouldn’t allow her to get anywhere Subaru’s coveted Pepsi reserves. Without that, how else would she be able to fuel her crippling addiction?

 

This was it, the end of her rope. Capella had no other leads in tracking down the key part to her favorite beverage, and she had come to this mountaintop in order to brood as dramatically as possible. The tears she cried froze seconds after they left her eyes, leaving a collection of frozen droplets running down her lovely face. She even went as far as to make a few tiny snow sculptures in dramatic poses, then a few more in sexy poses then yeeted some off the cliff to get the “rage and sadness’ vibes out of her system.

 

Just when her hopes had sunken to their lowest point, she felt an odd presence approach her from behind. She turned her back to the cliff’s edge to face her creepy visitor, but upon seeing who it was, she had to wipe the frozen tears from her eyes to believe what she was seeing. The figure before her was someone of legend, an icon of greatness that surpassed all others, and Capella’s personal hero ever since she had her first sip of pilk.

 

“P-Pepsi Man!?” 

 

It was true. The Pepsi Man had appeared before her in all his naked metallic glory. The blizzard was starting to subside and the sun began to rise behind her as if the very world itself seemed to rejoice for his appearance, illuminating Pepsi Man’s smooth pristine features. 

 

Pepsi Man reached between his perfectly-sculpted buttocks and pulled out an ice cold can of Pepsi, the ice water running down the side reminding Capella of just how thirsty she was for some of that good shit. The former royalty was flattered, honored even, to receive a fresh Pepsi straight from the big man himself, but there was still a problem.

 

“I appreciate the gesture…but I have no milk to mix with it…” Capella turned her face back down to the snow in disappointment, but Pepsi Man didn’t lose faith. He never does!

 

Just when all hope for finding milk in the middle of the Gustekan winter was starting to falter, another presence arrived amongst the snow. As more of the blizzard cleared away, more of the sunrise came through the clouds to shine down upon a mother mountain goat. Pepsi Man took hold of the goat with his free arm and hoisted it over his shoulder, its head facing behind him so that its udder was at its front. Pepsi Man now had an ice-cold can of Pepsi and fresh source of milk, everything required to make a fresh cup of pilk. Everything, except of course for—

 

“Once again, your kindness is noted, O Great One, but… I can’t just put milk into the can, or else it’ll overflow. I need something to drink it out of!”

 

Just as Capella was losing hope for finding a cup to enjoy her pilk in, the blizzard cleared away entirely, allowing the rest of the morning sun to shine down on the professional glassblowing studio that was apparently set up on top of this very mountain. A man in a welding apron was submerging something into a bucket of water in front of about a dozen onlookers, each seated on wooden logs that were repurposed as stools and taking notes as the glassblower worked his magic.

 

“As you can see, submerging the vessel in water rapidly speeds up the cooling process, and can also add some additional hardening properties that will increase the glass’ resistances.” The glassblower explained with seasoned intellect. All the students wrote in their notebooks to record his wisdom while Pepsi Man nodded his head in understanding.

 

“Uh…” Capella looked on in silence from about 10 meters away, still in awe that she had apparently walked right past this entire setup without noticing when coming up the mountain. It must’ve been quite foggier back then.

 

“After a few seconds,” the glassblower took his creation out of the water with metal tongs, holding it up in the air, “this pint glass is now ready for use.” He paused. “Unfortunately, I have nothing to drink right now, so this is useless to me. I will now get rid of this otherwise perfect glass,” he tossed it over his shoulder, “for no reason at all.” His loss was Capella’s gain, the glass spinning in the air until it landed in the snow right between her and Pepsi Man.

 

With the trifecta completed, Pepsi Man knew what he had to do. He cracked open the can of Pepsi and poured it into the glass. Once the can was empty, he absorbed the can into his skin like liquid metal so that he could properly recycle the material, then brought the goat down to add the second ingredient. He squeezed the goat’s udder like a wet towel to get just enough for the perfect ratio of Pepsi:milk, done exactly right to forge the ultimate glass of pilk before setting the beautiful creature of the mountains down, sending it on its way. When it was ready, he picked the glass up out of the snow and handed it to the Archbishop.

 

“Th-Thank you…” Capella was still shaking at the fact that she was getting the freshest glass of pilk possible, handmade by Pepsi Man himself, her arm started trembling as she reached out to take it. She grabbed the glass, but Pepsi Man did not let go. Instead, he kneeled down so that he was level with her, looked into her ruby-red eyes, and spoke to her through her mind.

 

“On December 1st, 2022, the official Pepsi twitter made a post encouraging its customers to try pilk for the upcoming holiday season. As if that wasn’t enough, they also tied Lindsay Lohan’s name to the tweet as a celebrity endorsement for the ‘pilk and cookies’ campaign. The ramifications for this have yet to be seen, but this could be another divergence point akin to that of the Harambe incident. Remember this, Capella.”

 

“I understood like, half of what you said.” Pepsi Man finally let go of the glass so that Capella could take it for herself. “But thanks. I’ll uh…keep all that in mind.” She went to take a sip, but decided to look at her savior one final time before she did. Pepsi man was looking at the sunrise behind her, the light reflecting off his chrome-like skin. Capella turned her head to admire the rising sun, a rare sight in the usually gray country she chose to call her home. But when she turned back around, Pepsi Man was gone, with no set of footprints leading away from where he was standing.

 

As mysteriously as he appeared, he had vanished into thin air.

 

“I’ll never forget you,” Capella solemnly promised, “whoever the fuck you were.” Like the common goldfish, Capella completely forgot the world around her as she drank the finest glass of pilk she had ever been given, rising to her feet as she drank. By the time she had guzzled the last of it, she was standing tall and proud, her cape dramatically fluttering in the gentle breeze. 

 

“THAT WAS SOME GOOOOOOD SHIIIIIT!!!” Her voice echoed out across the entire mountain range like an experienced yodeler. She relaxed her arms and admired the view as she let out a deep sigh, satisfied with the events that had unfolded today. She casually lobbed the empty glass off the cliff, landing amongst the graveyard of discarded snowmen from earlier.

 

 

As fulfilled as she could possibly be, she sat down in the snow and gazed off into the sunrise, taking in the warmth as the wind made her one extended bang flutter behind her. Now that she had her reason for living restored she had the clear mind and razor-sharp focus to concentrate on her new current goal, which was—

 

“So…” she mumbled to herself, looking at the vast range of emptiness that spanned as far as the eye could see, “Where the fuck am I going to sleep now?”

Notes:

Remember kids, pilk is now endorsed by the official Pepsi brand, so go nuts!

Notes:

Yay, now I don't have to go to bed tonight with this dumb fic idea festering in my head and polluting my mind's eye

I actually tried pilk the day of writing this, its not bad. Like a root beer float kinda