Chapter Text
It felt mind numbingly good. Xander was certain that if this started feeling any better he would just pass out. Maybe even go into a coma. Every nerve ending in his body curled up in a gibbering mess whenever those pale strong hands brushed over his skin.
Spike was panting in his ear. Xander wasn’t paying attention to the words. He already knew the words. He only paid attention to their meaning.
Safe. Loved. Needed.
Xander had never had anything like that before...before Spike. Had never felt loved like that. And it had taken months and months for him to accept it. That he was worthy. He had sold himself far too many times to accept that such a thing as love even existed…
“Xander?”
What if he didn’t really deserve it? What if it was just some cruel joke?
“Xander, pet?”
Xander opened his eyes and looked up at Spike. Spike was smiling and running his fingers through Xander’s hair.
“Spike? Why…why did you stop?” Xander slowly stretched under the blond vampire.
“Thinking too much,” was Spike’s only answer.
“What’re you thinking about?” Xander asked.
“Not me, ya git! You!” Spike kissed Xander’s forehead and frowned “Isn’t very flattering, ya know. Me doing all the work while you lay around thinking,” he snorted.
“Sorry…I…sorry,” Xander looked away.
“Know we haven’t done this for long…know ya needed…” Spike gently rolled off and curled up next to the younger man “…Know you needed time.”
“It’s not this,” Xander indicated the way they were cuddling “It’s never this.”
“Then what?” Spike propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Xander.
“I…I’m always waiting.”
“Waiting?” Spike caressed Xander’s hip.
“Waiting for the other shoe to drop…Waiting for this to end…Waiting for you to get bored.”
Spike sat up and looked angry “Ain’t no other shoe! Ain’t ending this. Ain’t getting bored.”
Xander just nodded but Spike persisted “Look at me!” he waited until Xander complied “You listen an’ you listen good, yeah?” Xander nodded and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.
“Me an’ you…it isn’t ending, Xander.” Spike seemed desperate to explain. Desperate for Xander to understand.
“But before…”
“No! Xander, no before. No others…no one. Just you an’ me. Simple,” Spike pulled Xander close and kissed him. “Now I remember me making a promise. Ya remember?”
“Promised to make me curl my toes and go blind,” Xander murmured with a small smile.
“You blind?” Xander shook his head, Spike sighed “Well better get back to it then.”
“Yeah,” Xander said his voice hitching “Better.”