Chapter Text
In the fifteen or so minutes that Gon had been unconscious, Killua had learnt three very important things:
One: Gon has no memory whatsoever of who he is, where he is from and is completely and utterly blank on his whole life up until the moment he'd woken up in this village many months ago. He did not known his name, age or anything other that he was found washed up near a river bank, injured half to death and got rescued by a traveller's boat that dropped him here when they realised that Gon needed more help that they could ever offer, no matter how good their intentions were. The travellers had been long since gone and besides letting the townspeople know that they had found the young man somewhere near the padokean continent they offered no other details.
Two, this Shino guy did not like Killua at all and was incredibly distrustful of him. Which is fair, Killua was not very fond of him either, especially not after he had accused Killua of doing something to harm Gon and stepping forward as if to try and wrestle the passed out boy from under Killua's protective arms. That was a grave mistake on this guy's part thought because in the state Killua was in the only thing he was capable of doing when realising someone—a stranger— was approaching, trying to take Gon, take him away from Killua again—
Well. Let's just say that Shino guy had a small little taste of Killua's bloodlust. Not too much enough to harm him, mind you, but just enough to stop the guy in his tracks and get him cold sweating, utterly terror stamped in his face as he scrambled backwards.
And three, the old lady's name was Anana and she, plus this Shino kid— her grandson, she'd let him know later— had been the ones taking care of Gon and slowly, painstakingly slowly, nursing him back to health ever since he showed up; half dead and catatonic, in their village. She is a very wise old woman, he realises right away, and a calming and gentle aura surrounds her as she approached Killua slowly, kneeling down on the dirty ground to look him in the eyes. Her movements are slow and non threatening when she tentatively reached over to Gon's prone body, and Killua is almost sure she had no idea that tendrils of aura flow out of her nicotine stained fingertips in pearly rose tendrils to settle around Gon's skin. Killua is immediately calmed and soothed by her presence and that gives him enough time to realize — even in his manic, overprotective state— that she is a trustworthy person and her touch is meant to be healing instead of harmful.
It was quite a lot to take in at once but he had gritted his teeth and wiped down the inconvenient tears that he didn't quite manage to stop and looked at Anana in the eyes, saying simple "I'm Killua and this is Gon. He's— " he'd choked, throat constricting around the my whole world, my everything—
"He's. My best friend," he finished instead. His eyes had dropped down to Gon’s face again, so familiar but yet so very different from the last time he'd seen it. His shaking fingers traced a slow, careful caress into Gon’s forehead. She nodded, seeming to understand a lot more than he was letting on. She dusted her skirts when she got up and gestured to him to 'come inside, let's lay him down in his bed and make him more comfortable.'
There was a faint noise of disbelief from somewhere near Killua but he completely ignored it, swiftly and effortlessly standing up with Gon cradled securely in his arms, following the tiny lady inside the building.
*
As Killua carefully lays Gon down in the bed— in the small room that is presumably Gon's, Anana had gone out of the room to somewhere else in the house, coming back with a damp cloth, warm to the touch and placing it into Gon's forehead. She had murmured a prayer in a language Killua's never heard of and sighed softly, the tension in her features easing and the faint shine of her aura disappearing into the atmosphere, leaving behind the faint smell of wildflowers.
"He will wake up soon. It used to be worse you know. He could barely keep himself awake enough to eat before complaining of headaches and fainting with the pain." She murmured and Killua watched mutely as she went on, "He had gotten much better though. It's been a least a couple of months since his last episode." Anana's wrinkly forehead got impossible more wrinkled with a frown, soft brown eyes glancing up at him. "I would imagine it would be very overwhelming to both of you for a little bit, but you are welcome to stay for as long as necessary, dear. I will bring you some pillows and a chair so you can be more comfortable while you wait."
Fuck. There he goes again, eyes blurring and spilling over with hot, salty tears. He scrubbed at his face furiously and tried to thank her but the words wouldn't come past the lump in his throat. She patted him in the shoulder and murmured something he didn't quite grasp. Immediately he felt calmer, his lungs filling up and exhaling slowly, heartbeat slowing down and tears trickling over to a stop. He felt her influence in his emotions — the faint trace of shimmering aura evaporating and disappearing into the air as she went further out of the room. The sensation reminded him of Melody's power and it certainly calmed him down but he was not sure how to feel about that yet. Instead, he decided to focus all his attention back to the boy on the bed.
He dropped down heavily in the only chair in the room, listening to the soft rise and fall of Gon's chest.
*
When he opened his eyes again — red rimmed and gritty with dried tears— Killua noticed that Gon was awake. Had been for however long Killua dozed for. Gon's caramel eyes regarded him calmly, his gaze a little bit wary but curious at the same time. Killua didn't startle, per see, but his heart kicked painfully against his chest. Once, twice, three times.
Gon, stretched out in the bed in front of him, looked thinner than Killua had ever remembered him being, muscles still there but not as defined as the last time they saw each other. His skin was the tiniest bit paler than his usual radiant, sun-kissed brown but it looked healthy. The biggest surprise though were the dark, bruise-like shadows underneath Gon's eyes that spoke of many interrupted dreams and sleepless nights —Killua could tell, he was an expert at insomnia after all. But even with all the differences in his appearance, he was still Gon and the sharp, all encompassing relief to see him again, made his heart squeeze tightly, breath hitching and stalling in his throat. It also felt like a knife to the chest—plunging deep inside him just to twist on the way out— to realise that this Gon has no idea who the fuck Killua is.
The more the silence stretched between them, the more awkward Killua felt. Where does he go from there? What the fuck will he even say to him? Somehow it feels wholly inadequate to say hi, I'm Killua you don't remember that but we are best friends, sorry, is my fault you are so fucked up right now, or even, hey so would you believe we're madly in love with each other, haha, I know right? Yeah. No.
Gon's eyes shifted, Killua following his gaze down just to find that Gon was staring at his white-knuckled hands. Killua hadn't even realised he had clenched them so he breathes in and try to relax his fingers, one by one until his palms were open atop his knees. He bit his lips and cleared his throat awkwardly, chancing a look at Gon again.
Voice soft, he says "Hi." Wide caramel eyes shift and lock onto his again, blinking repeatedly. "I'm Killua."
A beat, and then, "Your eyes are really blue." Says Gon, eyes huge and full of wonder, stuck into Killua's. That startles a tiny laugh out of him because that's such a Gon thing to say—
"Sorry. I'm—I guess you know me?" He finishes sheepishly. Killua notices that Gon looks genuinely embarrassed by his little outburst but also...the guarded, wary look is back into his eyes. His face look serious and closed off in a way that is so foreign for Killua to see.
He bobs his head up and down slowly, breathing slow and evenly, trying to look as non-threatening and honest as possible. "We've known each other for years." He says softly, voice a little rough with raw emotion. "You are Gon. You are almost twenty. You are from Whale Island and we met when we were twelve." Killua clears his throat again, fighting hard against the roiling wave of emotions inside himself. "We're. You're— We are best friends."
"Killua." Gon repeats, blinks slowly and a tiny little smile breaks free from his lips. Killua suddenly finds it so hart to breathe it's unbearable.
"Ki-llu-a. I like that. And. It's weird but...now that you told me—I know I'm Gon? I know that's who I am. I just can't—" A tiny little frown forms up into Gon’s forehead, "I just don't know the details? I'm sorry if doesn't make any sense. It's all just so—" He looks lost for words, confused and frustrated.
Killua can relate.
It is silent for a moment, Gon looks like he's trying to grasp something that's just shy out of his grip: mouth set in a frown and eyes narrowed, face set in hard concentration. Killua saw the same expression of his face many many times; In all variety of situations. It was so disconcertingly familiar but it brought Killua this tiny little measure of comfort that he grasped tightly, unwillingly to let it go. At least, until Gon's expression shifted, suddenly looking pained. It was like the effort of trying to remember was causing him physical pain and Killua nerves jumped under his skin, hands twitching with the urge to touch—to comfort him, to do something—
There's a tiny gasp from the bed and Gon's eyes clench shut, face twisting up tight with pain.
"Gon—what's wrong? Gon—"
Killua is halfway up to him already when he notices the way Gon eyes snap open and his body flinches backwards hard.
Killua, with his hand an inch away from touching Gon's face, freezes immediately at seeing the wide-eyed-panicked look Gon is giving him.
"Don't—" Gon whispers, pressing himself further back in the bed and Killua stumbles promptly backwards and as further as he can before the back of his legs hit the chair he should have never got up from in the first place. Gon looks scared. Of being touched.
Of him.
Killua sits down heavily, knees weak and bile rising up on his throat—
"I'm sorry. I didn't meant to—"
"It's fine—you just—you just startled me a little. That's all."
"I'm sorry. I can go if-if you want me t—"
"No. Please. Stay. Please, Killua." Gon says, quickly, looking genuinely distressed by the possibility of Killua leaving. Killua stares at him a little bit more, hands shaking and heart racing.
Killua is a little bit of an idiot, isn't he? Shit. He is fucking things up. He's already fucking—
"You're very fast. I. Maybe move a little bit slower? Sorry, I know that's stupid—"
"Of course." Killua says, quickly, reassuringly. "It's not stupid. I get it, ok? It's not stupid, Gon." It just hurts like a motherfucker, he doesn't say.
The thing is; Killua is not even lying. He gets it. I mean, he gets it Gon not wanting to be touched so suddenly by someone who is, essentially, a stranger to him; he understands that, of course he does. He's just—It hurts.
Gon spent the last ten years of his life chipping away at all of Killua's carefully constructed walls and reservations, getting him used to his presence and his touch and ultimately making Killua crave it so much so that his personal space bubble had popped right off and became an non existent thing when it came to Gon.
So it hurts. It hurts a lot realizing that he can't give Gon the only form of comfort he'd ever known how to give. It is going to be so hard to hold himself back after years and years of giving himself up to Gon so completely that some days they didn't even knew where one of them ended and the other one began.
He'll have to check himself. He won't cause Gon any more pain or distress that he already did. He won't.
Gon looked so relieved, relaxing back on the bed but the tiny frown of discomfort from before is still there. When Killua enquires about it, Gon let's him know that is just a headache, no biggie. He gets them a lot, Gon says. Sometimes they're so bad he passes out from pain —if he's stressed or overwhelmed, he explains— but usually they're just mildly irritating.
Killua frowns deeply, concern and apprehension spreading around his stomach like poison ivy with this new piece of information. The overwhelming feeling of wrongness is making his senses prickle like crazy.
He have noticed that Gon's aura was faint, hardly detectable at all. It has been trickling down really slowly, as if there was some kind of barrier stopping it from breaking free— like the drip drip dripping of a leaky faucet. Or like his aura nodes ended up closed again —just like when Nanika healed him.
He needs to speak to Wing about as soon as he get the chance.
But first...
"Gon." He says. "You said that you know who you are, just not the specific details?"
Gon nods, pauses, looks at Killua long and hard. "I also know that you are...Well...you." He says, slowly. "Not. I can't remember you—exactly. But I know you're not lying. I'm Gon. You are Killua. That's." Gon looks down, eyes soft and a little bit sad. "That's all I know, really."
Killua bites his lips hard. That's...Good? It's better than nothing at least. There's many, many questions circling around his brain, all clamouring for an answer so Killua parses through them carefully but ultimately decides that the only way he might make any sense of anything at all is having Gon tell him everything. From the beginning.
"Gon." He says, and caramel eyes lock in ocean blue again. "Can you tell me everything you remember? From the beginning? Please?"
A tiny little spark of hope has just been lit somewhere deep inside of Killua.
*
They spend the rest of the day talking. Gon talks himself hoarse for hours and hours, trying to account for everything between the day when he first regained conscience until the present. Killua learns that whatever he thought the damage was before, it was much, much worse. Gon was told by Anana that he has been in her care for about four months before waking up. Even with his insane ability to heal, his body had been in such a state that it took him that long and around the clock care for it to begin recovering.
So much time laying down in a bed had left him malnourished and his muscles had started to atrophy so he was extremely weak when he woke up— struggling to maintain his balance and even walk. Talking had been very hard in the beginning as well, Gon recalls. He remembered feeling confused, thoughts jumbled up and speech getting mixed up around the words he tried to say.
"At first I was... It was all so overwhelming and I couldn't—nothing made sense, you know? I was scared." Gon's eyes were cast downwards, a shadow passing through them briefly. His voice cracked a little bit, hoarse after so much talking. "I couldn't talk. I didn't recognize anyone and then...I realized I didn't even knew who I was." Gon's face lifted, eyes tight with emotion. Killua swallowed thickly, the same itch to touch, and hold him washing over him again. "It was...hard."
The dizziness and ringing in his ears have mostly faded nut to this day Gon still gets a lot of headaches and struggles with migraines painful enough to blindside him sometimes. Killua notices that his voice is a little reluctant when he admits that. He can't help but fear that the damage that Gon has suffered is unrepeatable. Brain injuries are so tricky and he's sure Anana did whatever she could but she's no doctor. There's only so much she could do. There was also another, even worse possibility—
At some point during their talk, Anana had wandered back into the room with some food for the both of them, catching the tail end of their conversation and explaining that when she first saw Gon — who she affectionately dubbed as kiddo for his boyish looks and innocent eyes— she knew something was wrong, even beyond the bleeding, inflamed wounds on his flesh. She could sense it, she said.
'Darkness had settled upon him,' she had muttered softly, and Killua felt the hairs at the back of his neck stand up. She tried her best, she said, she prayed over him every night, tended to his wounds so they didn't get infected and healed as well as they could. She said that as the time went by she could feel the darkness start to wane, but it never really fully went away.
"He has a good heart. Such a special young man," She said, when Gon finally exhausted himself from speaking, tired, molten-golden eyes drooping as he relaxed more and more into the bed. It was late, Killua noticed, the sky outside was dark-blue and gray with heavy clouds, the port noises have quieted down to almost nothing and Killua felt exhaustion pulling at him at the same cadence of the gentle waves in the background.
"A good soul like that can fight anything—even the curse that had been cast upon him."
Killua felt something tugging at the back of his mind, a tiny little spark, half a tough but before he could grasp it, the soft smell of wild flowers flowed in with the breeze and the shimmering tendrils of aura sparkled in the air between him and Gon. She's doing it again, he thought hazily, eyes dropping and breath deepening, slumber pulling him in.
A soft and warm quilt was placed over him as Anana gently tucked him in. She did the same to Gon on the bed before muttering a prayer and exiting the room.
She has no idea, was Killua's last thought before succumbing to the gentle caress of sleep. She has no idea that she is doing it.
"Killua!" Leorio exclaimed, loudly. The line crackled with static and Killua pushed the phone receiver away from his ear with a grimace. "Where the hell have you been you brat? I swear to—"
"Leorio—"
"—you for weeks! Why don't you pick up your goddamn phone, huh?!"
Killua sighed. His phone was dead in the bottom of his bag, no use for it here. The only available phone in this god forsaken town its so fucking old and frail that Killua fears even the volume of the doctor's voice could make it fall apart. The old man manning the postal service counter glared disapprovingly at him when Killua cursed Leorio under his breath. He needs to stop Leorio before he descends into a never ending nonsensical tangent.
Looking beyond the open door he could see that Gon talking to some of the townspeople, a basket of freshly baked goods in his arms as he traded one of Anana's bottle of herbal medicine for it. The people waved him off with a smile and Gon turned, eyes zeroing in Killua's immediately and his smile growing a tiny bit bigger in his face.
Killua's pulse jumped and picked up the pace, as it always did whenever Gon looked at him like that. Some things will never change.
Killua sure hopes they never do.
He tried to calm his racing heart, hands signalling for Gon to come closer. He put the receiver back in his ear, Leorio was still going.
"Will you shut up for a second—" He interrupted, quite loudly, voice sounding every bit as irritated as he felt by Leorio's pointless outburst.
It immediately softened as Gon approached, settling the big basked down on the floor and looking over at him, eyes curious. "Leorio, just. Shut up and listen—"
Killua extended his hand with the receiver between him and Gon at the same time Gon went, "Hey, what's up?" Gon said sunnily; yes shifting to look at the receiver. Wary, Gon gave half a step back, hands coming up in front of him like a shield, unsure of the whole talking with a stranger situation. Killua bit his lip to hold in his amused smile and barely noticed that the other end of the line went dead silent.
"Uh... Killua?" Gon said, voice lilting nervously. A faint oh my god was heard at the other end of the line. And Killua smiled, mouthing it's okay, don't worry towards Gon and watching him shrug and turn towards the shopkeeper. He put the phone back into his ear and he could hear the slow, measured breaths Leorio was taking.
He felt bad for half a second for springing it up so suddenly on his friend like that but—
"Killua—" Leorio said finally, voice thick with emotion. "You—it's that—"
"Yeah." He said simply. Gon is now engrossed into a conversation with the old man, listening intently as if whatever is being said to him is the most interesting and worthy piece of information he'd ever received. He smiled at the old man and gesticulated widely, hand hitting one of the shelves and almost knocking some of the merchandise down. The old man tutted and fussed around him like a grandparent would towards their precious grandchildren while Gon laughed sheepishly, hand rubbing his neck, and apologising profusely for being so clumsy—
"He's...Okay. Mostly. Leorio, listen—" Killua says and the sudden change to the tone of his voice made it clear that things are not as good as it seems. "He's, uh... Gon doesn't remember. Anything. He doesn't—"
"What—"
"I'm not sure yet but...I think— I think Illumi's done something to him."
A sharp intake of breath, a string of curses. A beat of silence.
"Tell me everything."