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It takes Natasha some time to grasp the fact that she might have feelings for Wanda. She doesn't admit it to herself for an even longer time because her mind simply doesn't register the fact that she's always been attracted to women.
It all starts when she first sees Wanda wear her jacket in Sakovia. She never asks for it back, Wanda just shows up at her door and hands it to her one day; all shy and red cheeked, a little intimidated by the assassin who refuses to take it back because she thinks it looks better on Wanda anyway. It makes Wanda blush a little harder and hug the red leather closer to her chest. The inner turmoil Natasha starts experiencing after this almost never stop.
Almost, because it actually does stop whenever Wanda is close to her, mindlessly touching her, putting a hand on her thigh during debriefs, wrapping a slender arm around her waist when they're standing next to each other. When she cuddles up to her during movie nights or sneaks her a reassuring smile when no one else is looking.
It gets worse whenever Natasha is alone. Every time she starts thinking about wanting Wanda close, there is this numbing feeling of shame and guilt gnawing away at her. Shame because somewhere in the back of her mind she knows she's not supposed to feel like this, and guilt because she feels like this anyway. Anger, because she shouldn't be missing the witch when she just saw her 20 minutes ago.
Natasha had never actually given herself the time to think about maybe not being attracted to men before this. One of her unhealthy coping mechanisms would always help her forget as soon as a slither of doubt crept up on her. But with Wanda around it's different. The brunette is a constant reminder that there might be something wrong with her.
It had taken decades of training and conditioning to turn her into the assassin she is; or was. Natasha is aware that what they had done to her in the Red Room was more assault than training. She also knows that many of her memories might not even be her own because of it. The longer she's away from Russia, the more blurry the lines between real and not real seem to get. She usually talks to Clint when things get too much but for some reason she feels like she can't even talk to him about this.
That's why she turns to the only thing she knows will help - the Widow. She's cold and calculated, close to perfect in almost every way - at least from an outside perspective. And that's what Natasha needs. For people to not ask questions; leave her to deal with this alone.
She's tired of her team members making comments because they catch her staring at Wanda. They joke about them dating while both of them are in the room like it's the most normal thing in the world. Wanda doesn't seem to mind but somehow it urges Natasha.
She's able to keep the Widow facade in check most days, mainly to protect herself but also to stay at least somewhat sane because Wanda slowly starts making her way behind those walls Natasha keeps up high and steady, just in case.
In Natasha's mind, it doesn't make sense that she even wants to open up to the other woman. She's always been better off by herself. But then why does it feel like letting Wanda in could be a good thing? Why does her brain keep thinking about wanting to be more vulnerable with her? Why is she thinking about wanting to hold her hand and tell her how absolutely beautiful she is every single day?
Natasha thinks of herself as straight. She has to be. So, no, she can't give a logical explanation as to why Wanda makes her want to rip those walls down or at least build a secret entrance for her so she can climb in and see the real Natasha; the scared little girl that doesn't know what happened to her or how she got here, who just wants to be held and taken care of.
She starts to think that, maybe, this is what it's like to have a best friend, because she's never had one - not since she was a child.
Even after Wanda starts calling her pretty and uses pet names when it's just the two of them and Natasha feels something inside herself stir, she thinks that there is no way in hell that she is attracted to Wanda in that way. They're just really good friends who occasionally sleep in the same bed so they can hold each other all night.
Natasha really likes that part of their friendship - having Wanda there while she sleeps. It's warm and cozy and it keeps away the nightmares.
Sometimes she would randomly wake up in the middle of the night just to pull the other woman closer and entangle their fingers. Wanda would give her hand a small squeeze and let out a light sigh before Natasha would fall back asleep. She swears she's never slept this peacefully in her entire life.
Natasha pretends to be unfazed by the way Wanda makes her feel when she smiles at her; tries not to notice the little things about her that make her mind waver and succumb to those unholy thoughts that she's trying so hard not to think when, actually, there's a list of things Natasha adores about Wanda. Her long dark hair and the way it smells for example, or the way Wanda's eyes turn soft and her pupils dilate when she gets excited, how soft her voice gets when she talks about her late brother and her life in Sakovia and how the other woman looks when she thinks no one's watching her. It's truly embarrassing how many times she catches herself staring.
Natasha doesn't want to make Wanda uncomfortable or come off as creepy which is why she silently curses herself every time she does notice. She knows how disgusting she finds it when men do it to her.
There's a little voice in her head that constantly tells her to "tell her she looks beautiful today", whenever she sees her entering a room, but then the rational part of her brain kicks in and goes "Why would you do that? That's weird." - it's a constant back and forth and most of the time she ends up not saying anything even though she really wants to.
Most of their days pretty much revolve around each other now. They eat together, train together, Natasha even takes her on a ride on her motorcycle a few times - she thinks it's cute how tightly the girl holds onto her when she speeds up.
When they're not together she thinks about what Wanda might be doing. Natasha knows that Wanda is probably spending the rest of her free time with Vision who seems to be oddly interested in the witch. Natasha doesn't blame him. Wanda is very interesting.
After a while something inside of Natasha snaps and she grows so frustrated with herself that she doesn't allow herself to be around Wanda anymore. She starts avoiding her, only speaking to her when necessary. Natasha knows that this is not Wanda's fault, which seems to make it worse because that means this is something she can't really run away from. She needs to be alone to finally figure this out because it's killing her.
Wanda shows up in Natasha's room a few days later because she notices the sudden change in behaviour. She senses Natasha's pain before she even opens the door. It seems to be radiating right off of her.
The door is unlocked and there's no answer from inside so she enters without a second thought. She finds Natasha sitting on the edge of her bed, blankly staring ahead, too embarrassed to face Wanda because she's finally admitted to herself that, yes, she is not even close to being straight. In fact she never wants a man to ever touch her again. The thought of it makes her sick to her stomach. She's angry with herself; so angry that she's almost frozen on the spot on her bed.
Her mind is racing, memories she thought she had gotten rid of a long time ago resurfacing, making her feel disgusted with herself. This isn't about Wanda. It's about Natasha not being able to grasp a clear thought because all she can think about is how much she doesn't want to be herself.
Wanda steps into the dimly lit room, closing the door behind her. She blinks at Natasha who still, for some reason that Wanda can't think of, is not looking at her. Natasha scolds herself because she can feel Wanda's presence, see her walking towards her out of the corner of her eye, sense her unease but she's unable to communicate right now.
"Natasha." Wanda is standing in front of her now, Natasha's name on her lips like a prayer, "What happened?"
She watches her shake her head, avoiding the question. The redhead's expression is stoic and she's still looking right through the witch instead of locking eyes. Wanda frowns because Natasha looks so small sitting there, wearing an oversized t-shirt and some sleep shorts, auburn hair partially covering her bare face. "You've been avoiding me" she sits down next to her. Wanda sounds sad, Natasha thinks, disappointed even, and she honestly can't blame her because she's disappointed in herself too.
"And I can't sleep another night without you" Wanda brushes some red hair off Natasha's shoulder, making sure her hand brushes over the other woman's back to carefully rest at the small of it.
The older woman knows that Wanda's love language is touch, it's one of the things she likes about her so much. It was a little foreign in the beginning but she came to really enjoy the witch mindlessly touching her. She welcomes the small gesture.
"I'm sorry. I've just been thinking" Natasha says, her voice surprisingly steady for someone who's dangerously close to having a breakdown. She finally turns her head to look at Wanda and instantly regrets it, because she can see how hurt the other girl looks. Her eyes are big and green, pupils large because the only light source is coming from the small lamp on the bedside table. Her eyebrows are drawn together, a little crease visible on her forehead. She still looks so beautiful, Natasha thinks.
"Thinking about what? You know you can tell me anything" Wanda smiles weakly but it doesn't reach her eyes, desperately trying to brush off the fact that seeing Natasha like this is breaking her heart. She looks tired, like she hasn't slept in days and, suddenly, Wanda feels worse for not coming to to see her earlier.
"Can we lay down first?" Natasha asks quietly. Relief washes over Wanda at the question. It makes her feel like, maybe, Natasha isn't angry with her for something she's done because she still wants her close.
It's quiet for a while, after they settle in under the sheets. They're facing each other, studying the other one's features- not touching, not yet.
A hand comes up to Natasha's face, slowly tracing her forehead, nose, cheekbones and finally her lips. She closes her eyes under the gentle touch, noticing how that feeling - the one that's been growing and eating away at her all day, is slowly disappearing because Wanda is here - Wanda is touching her.
Natasha opens her eyes when she feels a hand resting on her cheek. "Talk to me, pretty girl" - and the feeling is almost gone. She isn't quite sure why she hated herself not even 5 minutes ago.
When she slowly opens her eyes that thought crosses her mind again. She thinks for a long moment; about how beautiful Wanda is and how badly she wants to tell her because she deserves to hear it every day. The words are sitting at the tip of her tongue but she can't speak them, not yet. Instead she goes for something bolder, something she's sure will make her forget how fucked up she is because after all; this is Wanda and Wanda could never be angry with her for asking this - not now.
"Can I kiss you?" it's not really a question, more of a plead and Wanda can't move, she's frozen except for her thumb which is gently stroking the older woman's cheek. How could she say no to this sad broken girl in front of her, she looks so ethereal in the dim light of her bedroom - all messy red hair and miles and miles of pale soft skin.
Wanda doesn't answer verbally, just smiles weakly at Natasha, nodding her head, as she watches the other woman move her head off the pillow and towards her own. Natasha hesitates, giving Wanda enough time to change her mind but she doesn't. Their lips meet and it's sweet but entirely too short.
Of course Natasha has kissed women before, but this is different, very different, because she knows Wanda and she likes how the other woman treats her.
Wanda almost chases Natasha's lips when she starts pulling away, so she leans in again, shifting to straddle Wanda's hips as the taller woman turns to lay on her back. Two hands simultaneously land on bare thighs, sliding up and up and up, until they get caught in Natasha's sleep shorts.
There's a whimper but neither of them is sure who it comes from. Wanda's hands are moving again, slowly slide under Natasha's shirt, gripping her hips possessively while her mouth opens, letting Natasha dip her tongue in and gently sucking on it.
Natasha has been intimate with men more times than she can count but this is different. This is tender and loving and soft, oh so soft. It's so unfamiliar, but good, so good.
She thinks that nothing has ever felt this good in her thirty odd years on this earth and suddenly she feels like crying because she realises that she really went her entire life without even feeling close to this and then her mind is back to tormenting her, telling her this is wrong, this is not supposed to make her want to melt in the best kind of way, she's not supposed to enjoy this the way she is, her skin isn't supposed to tingle from another woman's touch.
Natasha stiffens a little as two hands come up from under her shirt and start moving up and down her spine. Wanda notices, stops completely, sensing that something's off. Her hands withdraw from skin and a broken sob escapes Natasha's lips because she wants to be touched. She needs this to ground her.
"Hey, hey, what's wrong? Did I do something?" Natasha wishes that this would calm her down but it's actually making it worse. She can't comprehend the fact that this girl, no, this woman, is making sure she's fine, considering her feelings like they matter when she knows she doesn't deserve it.
She shifts, moving to sit next to Wanda, facing away from her to avoiding her gaze, silence hanging in the air as she stifles another sob and tightly wraps her arms around her torso, rocking herself a little because this is all she knows. This is how she knows to make the tears stop quicker.
"Natasha," Wanda sits up too, moving in front of the redhead, mirroring her kneeling position. Her hands are back on her skin, softly cupping her cheeks, trying to get her attention. "Can you look at me, please? You're starting to scare me." Despair lacing Wanda's words, making Natasha's stomach clench with guilt. How the hell did she let it get this far?
She lifts her head and gazes into a pair of concerned eyes. It makes her chest hurt to know that she caused that expression on Wanda's face.
"Is it okay if I hold you?" Wanda asks and Natasha nods, too overwhelmed to speak as she leans forward unfolding her legs, stretching them out so she can encircle the other woman's kneeling form. Her own arms are still wrapped around herself when she feels two slender arms wrap around her and it's almost like she's floating because she feels so safe.
Natasha hates crying. It doesn't happen often but when it does it feels like the world is ending and she knows nothing but pain. She unwraps her arms from around herself and holds onto Wanda’s slender form as another sob wrecks through her body.
They sit like this for a while until Natasha composes herself. She lets Wanda hold her; mumble soothing words and press kisses onto the crown of her head while she sobs into her chest, soaking the soft fabric of the old band shirt Wanda is wearing.
She's still hiccuping a little when they pull apart and Wanda passes her a few tissues. Natasha isn't sure where she suddenly got them from but she also doesn't question it as she wipes at her tear stained face.
"All better?" Wanda asks brushing one of her hands through Natasha's hair. Natasha shrugs. She wants to tell her so bad, but every fiber in her body is telling her not to. She closes her eyes before speaking, not sure if she can look at Wanda without crying again.
"I feel disgusting. I know that I shouldn't, and I know that this shouldn't be a big deal but I really don't wanna be like this." It's all over the place and it doesn't make sense to Wanda because she has no context but she lets Natasha finish, "I can't stop thinking about how much I don't want to be myself. My life- Everything is all wrong, I don't understand."
"You don't wanna be like what?" Wanda tips her head to the side, a confused frown covering her face. "You're such a beautiful person, Nat, I don't know what could possibly make you feel this bad about yourself."
Natasha snorts, and lets out a sarcastic chuckle, her eyes open again as she continues to speak "I don't wanna be different."
"What are you talking about? You know I wouldn't want to change anything about you. You're my best friend. Please tell me what's making you so upset." Natasha believes her, believes that they're best friends because she has kissed friends before but none of those friends ever made her feel the way Wanda does.
A hand slips into Natasha's squeezing it reassuringly because Wanda doesn't know what else to say. She touches her instead of speaking and it seems to work because she feels Natasha's hand also give a light squeeze before she speaks up again.
"Not being attracted to men." She chooses her words carefully, not using the term lesbian on purpose because she doesn't like how it sounds.
Wanda sighs as she watches the woman in front of her; she's looking at their intertwined fingers, sniffling, wiping her nose with the tissue that's in her other hand. Both of her legs are still wrapped around the other woman, her knees sticking out to the side, one of them bouncing nervously.
"Well, I don't know if you knew this but I'm pretty gay myself." Wanda places her free hand on Natasha's bouncing knee as she ducks her head to find Natasha's eyes. She's obviously more embarrassed by herself than by what she just heard Wanda say.
Natasha looks at her, not sure of what to say to that. She had been so busy with hating herself that she hadn't even noticed that Wanda liking her back was even a possibility. She knows the younger woman finds her attractive but most people do, that's why she assumed that Wanda was just being friendly.
"Don't tell me you didn't notice." Wanda gasps placing the hand that had previously laid on Natasha's knee on her chest to make it look dramatic. It makes Natasha giggle a little and Wanda immediately joins in because she likes this way better than when she was crying.
"I was pretty busy hating myself but you made it better most days" Natasha says quietly, lifting her head a little.
"Well, I know there's good days and bad days, especially when you're dealing with internalized homophobia, but it definitely shouldn't make you feel this bad." it sounds genuine and Natasha feels seen. "Especially because you have me!" Wanda points a thumb at her chest smiling widely. They both chuckle again before she continues:
"I really like you, Nat." Her gaze softens, voice dropping an octave. "I know lesbians can be pretty dense when it comes to telling if another woman likes them, but we just made out before you had that breakdown and you're a spy so you should be able to but two and two together" it starts out serious and turns into a half joke and Natasha smiles. Maybe the word lesbian doesn't sound so bad. It doesn't when it leaves Wanda's lips.
Natasha grins at the thought, remembering how good it felt to finally have Wanda's lips on hers. "God, that felt so good, right" she says relieved, "I didn't know anything could feel like that."
"Not to be cocky but I am a pretty good kisser" Wanda shrugs, happily gazing at Natasha because she doesn't seem that upset with herself anymore. "I'm glad you're smiling again. I like that way better."
Natasha blushes. She feels a lot better now that it's off her chest. And she really likes it when Wanda speaks to her like this. "Stop that." she doesn't mean it, it's a reflex.
"Stop what?" Wanda is clearly back to flirting with her, Natasha's not stupid, and she can tell that it's real this time because they just established that they both like each other. But somehow the thought of actually letting herself feel these feelings that she's been trying to suppress for so long is still scary to the assassin.
"Flirting." she speaks softly, a little unsure now because she doesn't know what else to do but be a little defensive. Even if she doesn't want to be.
Wanda seems to notice, "No, I won't." She squeezes Natasha's hand again. "You're the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want to live without you, and I definitely don't wanna spend another night without you in my arms. I barely got any sleep the past few days." she states sincerely, not giving the other woman a chance to doubt that this is real. Natasha mumbles something, dropping her head and staring at their joined hands.
"What was that?" Wanda picks up her chin, forcing her to look at her.
"I think you look beautiful today." It's barely audible but Wanda hears it. She can tell that it took a lot out of Natasha to say it because her knee is bouncing again nervously.
"You do?" Wanda's lips curl into a genuine smile that reaches her eyes. "That's very kind of you to say, Nat."
"You know, I've been meaning to tell you for a while but I just couldn't." Natasha feels kind of pathetic to be telling her like this - face still puffy from crying while Wanda sits across from her looking like a goddess.
"Well, I think you're beautiful." Wanda smiles, letting go of Natasha's hand, placing it on the nape of her neck, thumb gently caressing her skin and Natasha melts again. "It's okay if you need constant reassurance, I'm here to give it to you, pretty girl. You're perfect just the way you are and you don't have to hide from me anymore. I'm really glad we talked about this."
"Me too." Natasha confesses and for the first time tonight her hands reach out to touch Wanda. She places them on her sides, carefully playing with the material of her shirt and Wanda lets out a breath she doesn't know she's holding.
"It's okay, you can touch me." she breathes sensing that Natasha is still a little unsure. "I really like it when you touch me." She assures her.
"Kiss me, I need to know this is really happening" Natasha sighs, her grip on Wanda's waist tightening a little.
They meet halfway in a searing kiss. Natasha is more sure of herself this time and she lets herself fall into it; feel everything she's been holding back for months. It's intense and she feels her heart beating out of her chest when Wanda shifts forward to make Natasha lay on her back, hands pushing into the mattress as she hovers over the redhead.
"Closer" Natasha husks in between kisses. She needs this. Wanda complies, shifting to press her lower half against Natasha instead of staying on her knees and leaning on her elbows instead of her hands.
"Better?" Wanda sighs, feeling Natasha's bent knees gently press against her hips on either side to pull her in. Natasha moves her hands up to Wanda's ribcage, stroking up over the sides of her breasts and back down, gripping the material of her shirt, succumbing to the feeling of Wanda's weight on top of her. It's perfect and Wanda whines into her mouth because Natasha has never touched her like this before. It's new and a little overwhelming but she likes it.
They'r both breathless when Wanda pulls away, lips swollen, pupils blown, panting heavily.
"Why'd you stop?" Natasha asks a little confused, hands firmly pressed into the other woman's ribcage.
"Just checking if you're okay" Wanda smirks.
"I'm more than okay" One of Natasha's hands comes up to stroke Wanda's cheeks, her thumb gently caressing her lower lip. "I like this."
"Yeah, me too." Wanda sighs placing a few kisses on the other woman's thumb and the inside of her hand.
"Stay." Natasha tells her, hand slowly sliding down to Wanda's neck and resting at the back of it to run her fingers through soft hair. Wanda nods and then Natasha pulls her in for another kiss.