Chapter Text
“I suppose that after all this time, I thought you’d stay.”
That was what Leia Organa said even as she faced Poe — Poe, who had a look on his face that suggested that she had cut deeper than she expected.
“The only reason I’m staying right now is that I’m not condemning the galaxy to death and horror,” Poe said. “It’s like my mother said. I can’t sit by and do nothing.” Then, “I admit there’s not much reason to stay right now.”
”There were people who supported you. Who still do.” Leia still remembered those people — Kaydel Ko Connix, who hadn’t said anything, hadn’t made her position overt, but it was overwhelmingly clear that she wasn’t happy about Leia shooting Poe. Leia still regretted it; at the time, she’d seen it as necessary, seen it as the best way to stop an already out-of-control mutiny from getting worse, but her mind kept rewinding to that moment. How she had given Kaydel more leniency despite her role in it, when the lieutenant raised her hands in surrender.
Poe had lowered his blaster. Surrendered. Was there any reason she couldn’t have given him the same leniency she gave Kaydel?
”Yeah, I know. I’m grateful to them. But…” Poe sighed. “Look, I know I didn’t make good decisions. But…did it warrant anything you did?” He continued. “You slapped me in the face. Did you know my ex-girlfriend actually punched me in the face just because I hit a sore spot of hers?”
”…I had no idea." Leia finally said. Stars, why hadn’t she inquired further? Why hadn’t she even sensed it, in the Force? Anything? Maybe the latter wouldn’t have been good either considering what Ben did to Poe (it felt like a force of habit calling him “Ben"), but…still. She would have known. She wouldn’t have hurt Poe unintentionally, unnecessarily.
Stars, she just seemed to be good at that lately. A nastier part of her, the part that blamed her for Ben’s fall, suggested it was all she was good at: driving people away. Han, for example. Ben. Poe was close to being driven away — and Poe was one of the most forgiving men she knew.
”Poe,” Leia said, “Zorii…Zorii was wrong to do that to you. It wasn’t justified; it’s not how you treat someone in a relationship of any sorts. And…well, we’re obviously not romantically involved; it would be inappropriate on multiple levels if we were. But we did share a relationship, in a different way. You’re my best Captain — were my best Commander. Well, you still are. And I did hurt you. Quite literally, and twice.”
”The taser I could understand. Not the slap.” Poe sat down, chuckled bitterly. “On the other hand, I guess a slap is pretty much short-hand for ‘you kriffed up’.”
Leia winced. “Poe, that really isn’t funny,” she said. “I…I admit there was a part of myself that wondered if I was coming close to being…”
She didn’t finish the sentence. Obviously, a slap wasn’t on the same level as a Force Choke. Obviously. Poe wasn’t dead (thank the stars). He hadn’t been scrabbling for air — and unlike her monster of a father, Leia gave advice that was needed and actually gave them a chance to redeem themselves. Everyone, she reasoned, deserved a chance to make up for their mistakes. Even in a moment where she knew she could have done better, she’d allowed that for Poe.
Amilyn had told her more, long before her sacrifice. “Captain Dameron’s not a bad person,” she’d said. “I think his problem is…there’s not a person in the galaxy at large that he doesn’t cherish. Even those who hate him. He wanted to save everybody onboard, and he didn’t realize that there were other ways. He was…irritating. Like itching powder in an envirosuit. But he’s not a bad person.”
Leia was struck by the fact that Amilyn had been completely, utterly right. Odd, and brutal in her honesty as she could be — she was right. It was something she loved about Poe, and something that caused her no end of frustration. He saw the people, not the big picture, and it hurt when he couldn’t save everyone. (Even though Kylo Ren hadn’t forced him to watch the Tuanul massacre — a sign that there was still mercy in her son’s heart, though it hadn’t changed the horror of the atrocity — it had still been one of the worst parts for Poe, the idea that he couldn’t help, even as Leia reassured him it wasn’t his fault and could never be)
But that clenched fist, cutting off someone’s air…once Leia thought of it, it was hard to get it out of her head.
”Who?” Poe’s voice was gentle. That was the Poe she knew too well — the one that occasionally tried to take care of her, like it was his job, the one that offered to take over duties from her when she was running low on energy. Her Captain…it was abundantly clear why her son, back when he was still on the right side of history, loved Poe with everything he was, everything he was doomed to be.
”Vader, of course,” Leia said.
Poe shook his head. “Vader wouldn’t give his subordinates another chance. Vader wouldn’t feel any remorse for hurting them. Plus…well, I could tell that there was something wrong with the very idea of you being that way.”
”Still, I’d say that it’s always there." Leia said. It seemed that Ransolm Casterfo’s betrayal had cut deeper than she thought, injured a part of her already trying her damndest not to be the genderflipped version of her father.
“I don’t like what you did,” Poe said. “But you’d have to be trying very hard to be Darth Vader.” He faltered. "Way too hard.”
Leia knew already that Ben was lurking beneath the surface. She had lied, by omission, about Ben. It was kinder, she’d rationalized, to keep Ben’s fate a secret. Poe had already been through a horrible ordeal (all because Luke had left — and Leia already felt an unpleasant twinge just knowing that she was speaking ill even in her mind of the same man who sacrificed himself to save the Resistance); he didn’t need to know that Ben had hurt him. (She had hoped Ben would spare Poe. She had been so stupid)
”You could have told me, about Ben,” Poe said. Gentler than the beginning of their discussion, but still.
“I should have. I should have prepared you better to face him too." Then, “I thought it would hurt less…if you didn’t know the truth.”
”Why?”
”Would you want to know that Ben betrayed everything he stood for and everyone he loved?”
”I…I at least wouldn’t have shot at him if I knew the truth,” Poe said. Leia could all but taste the horror flowing from him — the horror that he could have shot his best friend. It wasn’t his fault, she thought. He didn’t know.
Stars, if she knew Kylo Ren was on his way to Jakku…she would have prepared Poe better, including told him the truth.
"I know.” Ben, whether they both liked it or not, had believed in Poe, tried to fix him after his escapade on Kijimi, and Leia already knew why — because her son loved Poe, because seeing him in pain had been unfair to Ben. Because he'd damn the galaxy to fix that unfairness he knew was there. “I…I should have told you.”
”Did he even care?”
Leia swallowed. "I felt what happened,” she said. “And I wish I had done more.” She’d at least tried to push back, to use her presence in the Force to dull Poe’s pain and protect him. Her hands were tied, but she was no bystander…even if some wondered that. “I know that he hated doing it. Ben…never liked interrogations; he knew what me and Han went through. I…don’t know if it changes anything, though. It was still wrong.”
"It was.” Then, "It’s kriffed up, but even after everything he did, even killing your husband…I can’t hate him. I don’t just remember his atrocities, but all the faith he had in me as Ben Solo. All the times he protected me. How he was willing to give even people who didn’t like him a second chance, like Voe. I remember that…and I wonder if there’s a way to save him. I would even if we didn’t know each other, but still…”
Leia smiled. “It sounds like something you’d do. I don’t know if it will be that simple,” and maybe she softened it from what she told Luke, just to comfort Poe. Like Obi-Wan letting Padme believe there was still good in Anakin…and if Poe was right about Ben, it was one area where she wouldn’t mind being wrong. "But it’s still admirable. My son was right about one thing: people like you aren’t common in this galaxy.”
A faint smile from Poe. “You’re kinder than I deserve, General.”
”It’s not as much deserving as it is just facts.”
***
There was silence. So much silence. The swirling blue vortex of hyperspace seemed too safe; Leia wasn’t used to the idea of them being in hyperspace without being tracked.
"If you still are…angry at me…” Leia began.
”I’m not happy with what you did, but…I’m glad we talked about it. And you’re nothing like Vader. You’re…well, General Organa. A brave, determined, tough-as-durasteel lady with a wicked sense of humor and love for the galaxy.”
Leia did smile at that. Being forgiven…there were times where she thought she didn’t deserve it. Han’s death — she wondered if Han didn’t forgive her, in the afterlife. Ben…he hadn’t fired on her, but it didn’t mean he forgave her for what she didn’t do. Poe…she didn’t deserve his forgiveness and understanding, but he was choosing to give it anyway.
”And you’re a good man.” Leia said. "Thank you, Poe.”
”And thank you,” Poe said, “For giving me a second chance.”
It shouldn’t have been that unexpected for him. After all, Leia Organa believed in second chances…even if she still had to work on giving herself some.