Chapter Text
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Oh how I wish he'd go away!
-Antigonish
by William Huges Mearns
Ghosts, spirits, apparitions. All words to describe the same thing. They describe the things that people discuss as they huddle around campfires as the embers shot up high into the darkened sky. They tell of faces in windows and figures and doorways. They tell of people where they should not be, people who should not be. They are laughed off, discarded, when in reality they are true in their own way. A ghost is but a memory. It is a loved one lost and fresh in the mind, perfect to be conjured up or maybe something much worse. It is the memories shoved far in the back of the mind. It is the skeleton in the closet whose hand is wrapped around the doorknob, ready to be swung open.
Atsushi knew about ghosts even before he left the orphanage. He knew ghosts in the form of white jagged lines carved into his skin. Memories he would much rather forget immortalized on his own body. A grotesque picturebook that detailed much of his formative moments. He saw them in mirrors when he changed but they were easy to avoid. If he did not look at himself for too long then he could almost pretend that the ghosts weren’t there. That worked, at least for a little while, when ghosts were only the lines on his skin. It wasn’t until he left the orphanage that the ghosts changed.
They left him alone for a little while when he was on the streets. His mind was too busy to conjure up the ghosts. Every moment was spent on the run from the tiger that seemed unrelenting in its hunt to chase him down. Food quickly became a problem, it quickly became his most important problem. He had much bigger things to worry about than ghosts. Food, water, shelter, and all the necessities he needed came first. It wasn’t until after he had been saved by a strange, rather unstable man, and his partner and was taken back to the Armed Detective Agency that he first saw the ghost.
The apartment they had given him was nice, nicer than anything he had ever dreamed of staying in. Kunikida apologized for the lack of furniture and told him that the agency mainly provided the essentials and the inhabitants were welcome to bring in whatever they wanted, but Atsushi could not see himself wanting anything more than they had already given him. There was a small kitchen off to the right of the door decked out with kitchen appliances and plenty of cabinet space although he knew he would only use the cabinets, microwave, and refrigerator. The oven and stove seemed to be a bit too much, too fancy for what he needed and he didn’t want to tell them he didn’t know what to do with them. There was a small table to eat at and the bedroom in the room next to it had a small futon and blankets. It was more than he could have ever asked for, and it was all for him.
The ghost came that night. The apartment was cozy and the futon comfortable. Atsushi thought after the hectic day that he would have fallen asleep the second he hit the mattress, but he didn’t. His eyes traced unfamiliar shadows cast by street lights from outside the window when a deep sense of dread began to build up inside of him. Panic from deep inside. His breath picked up the pace but no matter how much air he took it was not enough. There was a thick weight over him that held him in place, his limbs pinned to his side. Paralyzed by fear his head seemed as if it were filled with bricks, too stuck to lift his head and look across the room. Look across the room to the far back corner. But pictured in his mind as clear as if he could see it himself, he knew what was there.
The man stood in the corner. It was not like Atsushi could see the man from his position, but he knew he was there. His face was shrouded in darkness but still, he could feel his skin crawl from the way his eyes bore into him. His jaw lay slacked, mouth full of cotton. Even if he wanted to scream, to address the man who caused him so much pain, but he couldn’t. Unable to form the words he would need to question why the man had appeared, to simply ask why he laid in silence. Even if he could, nothing came to mind. In the morning he would question the oddity of the situation but at the moment all he could feel was fear. It did not matter why or how, but he knew that the headmaster was there.
Seconds stretched into minutes stretched into hours before the deep lul of sleep overtook him. He was grateful when it finally came to whisk him away from the nightmare of reality but he was also frightened. For all the time they had spent in tense silence, the headmaster had stayed to himself. But asleep Atsushi had no way to defend himself, to prepare for the oncoming punishment. In the past, he had never been able to defend himself and paralyzed by fear he knew there was nothing he could do anyways.
He didn’t remember falling asleep. The next morning sleep left him slowly. His mind was addled by confusion as he felt the soft futon beneath him, and the scent of tatami mats. Slowly he peeled his eyes open and saw a wooden roof over his head. It had been so long since he slept under a roof, he didn’t know how long it had been since he woke up peacefully, warm, and in a comfortable bed. Memories from the day before rushed through his mind. The warehouse, Dazai, his arm replaced with claws and fur. He raised his right hand out in front of him but where an arm of a beast had been the night before was his own skin, his own short stubby nails. Then he remembered the night.
His head snapped up as he turned to the corner where the headmaster had stood. There was nothing. No coat on a chair or anything that could have imitated the appearance of a silhouette in the darkness. Instead, there was an empty corner. Suddenly a shrill noise cut through the silence. He jumped as he whirled around to see where the noise had come from. There was a phone neatly placed on top of a bag next to him. He didn’t remember getting a phone the day before but after the chaos, it seemed to have slipped through the cracks of his memory. There were many more important things. He frantically scrambled as he looked down at the device with too many buttons. He stared at them for a moment before he pressed one he hoped would answer the call.
“Good morning!” Dazais's chipper voice called out and he pulled the phone away from his ear slightly.
“Oh, Dazai-san,” He said, unsure of what the proper response was. He had never answered a phone before, much less had one of his own. Faintly in the back of his mind, he wondered if he could get Kunikida or one of the Tanizaki siblings to help him learn but he pushed the thought aside. They had much more important things to do than to help him figure out something so mundane that the rest of them didn’t even have to focus on. He didn’t need to give them any more reasons to deem him worthless.
“Today’s another fine day! How is the new dorm?” Atsushi looked around the dorm as he smiled to himself slightly.
“It's great thank you, compared to sleeping outside it is heavenly.” It was not a lie, far from it. It seemed almost impossible that the whole place was just for him. He debated mentioning the headmaster for a second but pushed it aside before he could give it much thought. Whatever it was, it was something he could figure out himself. And there was no proof he could give Dazai that it had even happened, the headmaster was gone. But that did not stop the anxiety that seemed to overwhelm him. After he got dressed in the clothes provided by the agency, just another thing that put him even more in their debt. Although at that point there were so many things he would have to work for the rest of his life to pay them off. He did a quick sweep of the apartment before he headed out to help deal with the emergency that Dazai had spoken of. Of course, there was nothing.
The headmaster did not show up the next night, although his sleep was far from peaceful. While the headmaster did not torment his waking hours he lay in wait to torment Atsushi throughout the night. He did show up the next night. After the violent encounter with the Port Mafia in which he lost a limb only to have it grow right back like nothing had happened, the first thing he wanted to was sleep. He quickly realized that was off the table. He forced himself to stay awake for hours after his body longed to sleep. All attention was on the same damn corner of the room where the man stood.
Night after night was spent in absolute terror. Atsushi found quickly that it was impossible to try and predict when the headmaster would come. Some nights he did, some nights he did not. He treasured the nights when he did not. The nights when he could drift off easily to sleep and not worry about the man that stalked him long after he should have been gone. Although sleep was never peaceful. Nightmares struck indiscriminately, not a care if the man had been there before he fell asleep or not. However, the sleep was still better than it had been before when he only got hours at a time, too busy on the run from the tiger that he had been so sure was following him and the other stressors of not having a roof over his head or food to eat.
It was horrible, but he could manage. He could panic throughout the night and show up to work the next day like nothing had happened. Some days he may have yawned or rubbed at his eyes a tad more than usual but he made sure it did not interfere with his work, it couldn’t interfere with his work. Everyone else knew what they were supposed to do. They were competent, each capable in their own ways. Everyone but him, and he would be damned if the thing that made them snap out of their stupor and finally get rid of him was because of his ghost. That was when it only came during the night, it did not stay that way for long.
The day the headmaster appeared outside of nighttime Atsushi was in the office doing paperwork. He had only been with the agency for a couple of weeks but had settled into the new routine well. Everyone else was out of the office for one reason or another. Kunikida and Dazai were out on a case. Ranpo was with the Tanizaki siblings who had the day off and happened to be going in the same area Ranpo needed to be for a case so they helped him with navigation. Fukuzawa, well Atsushi wasn’t entirely sure where the man was but he didn’t want to. The less time he spent around the man whose role aligned too closely to that of the headmaster for his liking the better. Everyone else had gone out for lunch but he had opted to stay behind. He didn't have enough money to spend on such luxuries with his strict budget he kept himself on to save money and besides, he had his fair share of paperwork to do.
It was mundane work, to say the least, and despite his best efforts his mind tended to wander. That day was particularly hard. The night before had been spent in paralyzed terror, trapped in his own bed and unable to move. The only thing he could do was stare at the corner until he fixed his eyes on the cleaning and hoped for sleep. He knew it was never great when his mind started to wander. It tended to wander into dark areas he did not want to revisit. As he sat at his desk the only thing he could think about was the night before. The next thing he knew, the headmaster was there. Atsushi didn't hear the door open or close as always, he just was there.
“No,” He whispered in horror as he glanced around the room frantically for an escape but his legs were locked in place and rendered his escape impossible. He wasn’t supposed to appear there, only in his dorm at night when he truly felt all alone. But there he was next to the doorway of the agency, the one place he truly felt safe despite numerous threats that came along with the job. He was expendable, and deep down he knew this well, but still, the others made him feel welcome, made him feel wanted, safe. His whole body stiffened and his breath caught in his throat, a strangled gasp. He had to run, had to hide, The tiger inside him repeated that over and over and desperate mantra. Every fiber of his being prepared to do something, to do anything.
He shoved himself to his feet and his chair toppled over behind him with a loud crash. His knees went weak beneath him and he sank to the ground. Quickly he scrambled underneath the desk. The desk created something that almost resembled a cave beneath them as the walls continued down to the floor. They had been helpful to hide behind during the entrance exam and they proved helpful once more.
Tears welled up and burned at the corners of his eyes. Shaky hands made their way to his hair and gripped the strands tightly. It was useless to hide. Pointless to even try. The headmaster had already seen him. His hiding spot was nothing more than a feeble placebo effect to calm his heightened nerves. It didn’t matter how hard he tried, he would never be free. It did not matter how far he ran or how hard he worked the headmaster would always be there in the end. He tried to run before each attempt better than the last but they never worked. Every time they ended with harsh hands in his hair as they dragged him down the hallways, his cries echoed off the walls and into his nightmares. It was idiotic to think that the agency would protect him. No one would ever protect him. He was not worth it.
Footsteps echoed throughout the silent room only broken by his ragged breaths. A loud crash as shoes collided with the aluminum tiles below. His hands moved from his hair to his ears to block out the sound. He clenched his eyes tight as the footsteps came to a stop in front of him. Tears still streamed down his face despite his best attempt to stop them. The punishment was always worse when he cried. The best he could do was just sit there as silent sobs shook his frail body.
Faintly he could hear a voice muffled by his hands as it spoke to him in a soft, quiet tone. Too quiet for the headmaster.
Slowly he cracked one eye open and relaxed slightly. They were a deep purple and full of concern, not anything like what he had expected. A brief moment went by before he realized who it was and the panic returned. He shoulder have remembered that when everyone went out for lunch there was one more that stayed behind, Yosano. There she was in front of him, crouched down to his eye level and in full view of his weakness.
“Follow my breath,” he heard as he pulled his hands away from his ears slightly. “Breath in two, three, four. Hold two, three, four. Exhale two, three, four,” Her voice wasn’t soft per se but far from her usual strict tone. He struggled to focus on her words as he inhaled. The breath was shallow and moved at a faster pace than she had set. His cheeks heated up with shame as he struggled to do the basic test. Within moments his lungs burned and he was forced to exhale and take another quick breath as he shook his head in admission of defeat, an apology without words.
“That’s ok, try again,” And she led him through the instructions again. With each repetition, his breathing started to slow until he was able to match her calm pace.
“What happened?” Atsushi opened his mouth to respond before he froze and shook his head. “You don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?”
“I can’t tell you,” He whispered softly, almost unintelligible. “He’ll hear me,” Much like crying Atsushi knew it was futile, that it would not help to hide from a man who already knew where he was hidden. The only thing he could try to do was lessen the punishment and if that meant staying silent then so be it. Yosano stood up a bit and looked around the room for a moment before she looked back at him.
“Who and where is he?” Her voice was much quieter than before. He didn’t want to talk, it wasn’t safe. But between two superiors he had no choice but to respond.
“Headmaster, by the door,” Much to his luck she didn’t press or ask who the Headmaster was, only peaked back out and looked around.
“Did you see him there?”
“Kind of, he only comes at night he wasn’t supposed to be here. I don know how he's here and I can make him go away. He keeps coming back!” Tears came faster and faster as he shook violently. His hands slipped back up to his hair as he gripped it tightly once more.
“Does he ever tell you anything?”
“No, he just stands there,” Yosano regarded him for a moment more before she peered over the desk again. “Do you see him?”
“I believe that you see him and that must be scary, however, I do not see him.” Everything stopped as if time itself froze. His breath hitched as he looked at her in a mix of confusion and shock.
“How can you not see him he’s right there?”
“I know that you see him,” She began again. “However I do not see anything.” He was crazy, that's what it had to be. Out of all of the things he thought would happen at the agency losing his damn mind never seemed to come to the table. Yet there he was, huddled under a table in distress from something only he seemed to be able to see. Either he was losing his mind or Yosano lied to him, although the second option made little sense. She gained nothing from lying to him except maybe the satisfaction of messing with his head as some form of punishment, but that didn't seem to be her style. He knew that if she wanted to punish him for anything she had more than enough tools to do so in the form of wicked blades that reflected light off of their clean pristine surface. Mind games didn’t seem to be her preferred method of punishment, he would expect something like that from Dazai or Ranpo. And even though he could still feel the presence of the Headmaster, he slowly began to realize the truth behind her words.
“It wouldn’t make sense for him to be here. The door never opened,” He murmured slowly and Yosano nodded.
“Would you feel more comfortable in the infirmary for a bit? I have headphones so you can listen to music or watch a video?”
“I don’t want to bother you anymore.”
“Atsushi, you’re not a bother.”
‘Not a bother,’. Her words rang in his ears as his jaw went slack in shock. A brother, he knew that was all he was. He was another at the orphanage. He took up space another kid could have used and they never hesitated to remind him. Every time he opened his mouth, every time he drew any attention to himself he was reminded of the simple fact. He was a bother. The agency was the same, or at least that's what he thought. But as he stared at Yosano and her words sunk in he couldn’t help but want to believe. He couldn’t help but want to believe He couldn’t help but want to believe that he was important, that he was needed. She pushed herself to her feet and gestured for him to follow her which he did, albeit much less gracefully. She stood next to his side as they walked towards the infirmary. He could still feel the presence of the Headmaster from across the room but he tried his hardest not to pay attention. If Yosano said she could not see him that had to account for something, although he did not turn and check.
When they entered the infirmary she got out her computer and headphones and handed them to Atsushi. He took them hesitantly and curled up in the corner on the floor. Yosano regarded him for a moment but said nothing. Hesitantly he plugged in the headphones and put on some popular show he had heard Naomi talk about earlier that day. The Headmaster stayed in the main office space, but as the minutes passed by the hairs on the back of his neck finally laid flat and he could no longer feel the presence of the man.
Atsushi did not know how long he spent there, it had to have been a few episodes although he paid so little attention he was not sure what was going on. When he took out the headphones he could finally hear noise from outside the door, the others back from lunch. Carefully he wound the headphones up like he had seen others do before and closed the computer. His legs were stiff and he slowly stood and protested from the movement but he paid them no mind. Exhaustion was deep in his bones but he still had work to do.
“How did you know what to do?” He asked hesitantly as he placed the computer down on the desk next to her. She glanced up from the papers he was hunched over, the pen lask in her fingers.
“You’re not the only person here with ghosts,” She said finally. He wanted to pry for more information but she turned back to her work and he knew that was all she would tell him. As he left the infirmary the reality of what she had said sunk in. He might still be crazy, but at least he wasn’t crazy and alone. Before he left for the day Yosano discreetly placed a small orange prescription bottle on his desk.
‘Take one time before bed,’ it read and taped to the side, a phone number. The agency was not permanent, he knew that. He knew that eventually they would find some reason and he would be on his own again, alone and betrayed. But at that moment he allowed himself to feel like he belonged, feel like he was wanted. Like he was not a bother. The Headmaster didn’t go away, not easily. He took the medication before bed that made his body tired enough to actually fall asleep and he felt more energized throughout the day. He did not use the phone number but saved it to his phone. After all, she was a busy woman and did not have time to spare for a minor meltdown over a ghost but he still smiled to himself over the gesture. The agency was confusing, to say the least, and he still did not fully understand why she spent so much time helping him but he wouldn’t complain. It was different, but different didn’t necessarily mean bad.