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her heart hurts. it makes her want to throw up. her eyes sting when she blinks and she can barely get out of bed.
she ruins everything.
everything slips through her fingers. dripping down into nothing. swirling around her feet and threatening to pull her in. it tickles her toes, playing with her. while the weights in her arms only grow and she wants to sleep.
but she doesn’t cry.
she can’t.
not really anyway.
(she remembers being able to sob and cry her heart out years ago.)
so she forces her dead limbs to drag herself out of bed. she takes a shower and willfully tries to feel something as she washes her body.
the water is hot. it’s hot and it’s tingling her skin. burning through her scalp. she feels that she can’t breathe under the pelting water.
she wraps her arms around her torso and tries desperately to remember how she felt when she felt anything at all.
she can’t feel anything she can’t feel anything she can’t feel anything she can’t feeling anything she can’t feel anything
after her shower, she slumps down in her chair. a towel still wrapped around her. and she stared at the carpet on her floor. she distantly hears the clock in the wall above her bed.
tick tock tick tock
…
she has work soon. her shift starts early. it’s almost 4am. she needs to catch the train.
her room is messy, filthy. her clothes are everywhere. she can’t bring herself to bend down to throw them in the basket that’s already overflowing.
it’s another things added to her never ending checklist that seems to never lessen.
after a few minutes, she gets up off of the chair that has 4 jackets strewn across it. she steps over the dishes from dinner 3 days ago and she reaches the mirror on her wall.
she stared at herself.
she can’t bare to.
she let them down she’s such an idiot what did she do wrong why did he leave she couldn’t protect them they all hated her now maybe she should’ve just died-
she turns away and pulls out her clothes. she struggles getting dressed, her arms feeling like jelly. her arms doing her hair how she normally had it.
she grabs her work bag, phone, and keys and slowly opens the door. she sees the sun come up and she doesn’t know why she even bothers.
but when she sees her neighbor go outside and wave at her, the smile on her face raises automatically. the hunch in her back is gone and her shoulders straighten. she waves and tells them to have a good morning.
and she smiles all the way to work. she smiles at her co workers. she smiles at her patients in recovery. she jokes with the kids she visits after work. she laughs on the phone catching up with old co workers.
she lets her smile slip while she’s operating. she watched with trained eyes as she asks for the medical tools. when it’s over, she heaves a sigh before the smile coming back up when a nurse comes up to tell her that she should take a break.
she grins and shakes her head.
and on the break she’s forced to take, she pulls out her phone and sees a text from him. her smile slips suddenly and she feels ghost has now taken ahold of her neck.
it’s choking her out telling her to say say say something. anything. it’s the least you could do for anyone.
but when the door opens, she gives another smile as she texts back with shaking hands.
she leaves work a little earlier than usual and she goes to a little diner. it’s a bit run down and the chef is now a young woman. the waitress she once knew is a bit older but she still waves at her excited.
she meets him exactly where she knew he’d be.
he grins up at her when she walks up and she tells him that he’s looking a bit small. his smile immediately drops as she can practically see a tick mark on his forehead.
“aw c’mon now draken, i was joking jeez!”
she says as she sits down across from him. he punched her shoulder and she flicks his forehead and they catch up.
he talks about his bike shop and she listens attentively. she gives some input as she remembers shinichiro and baji’s impromptu lessons on them.
they order and the waitress says it’s great to see them again. she nods happily as he agrees.
“well maybe we’d be here more if SOMEONE didn’t take the morning shifts at work.”
the waitress snorts as she pretends to be writing something down in her notepad. the girl across from him whips her head at him.
“excuse you, i am saving LIVES.”
“you’d be saving mine if we went to-“
“draken!”
he laughs as the waitress struggles out asking if they want milkshakes. she nods and asks for her flavor as draken asks for strawberry.
the waitress is in a fit of giggles as she walks away. it makes her smile solemn as she watches her walk away.
it’s quiet in the diner. all except for the distant couple talking in the corner and the soft music playing.
she hears the humming of the chef that sounds a lot like the humming of the old chef and she’s calm.
…
“you’re doin’ that thing again.”
her head snaps in his direction. his phone in his hand as he’s texting someone. he doesn’t look at her as he keeps talking.
“you keep smiling. even when i make you upset..”
she’s rendered speechless. he raises his head and puts his phone face down in the table.
“you never do that. and i know you don’t.”
he’s staring in her eyes as if he’s challenging her to lie to him.
“so tell me what’s going on.”
she blinks, utterly and completely stupefied. she has nothing to say.
she knows lying and saying, “nothings wrong.” wouldn’t work on him. it’s too easy and he’s known her for too long.
she doesn’t know what to say to him.
so she smiles and shakes her head. she instead look at the stools to her right.
she doesn’t want to say anything.
she decided to try anyway.
“nothings going on, really.”
“that is absolute bullshit.”
he fired back easily as his eyes bored into hers. yep, she knew it.
she crosses her arms and hides her face in them.
“ken….”
she says with a warning tone. a bit muffled but she’s sure he gets the idea. the warning tone doesn’t seem to phase him though, as he presses on.
“c’mon-“
he reaches across the table to rub her back.
“-just tell me.”
she’s silent for a moment. before holding up her hand. she feels a larger one wrap around hers, squeezing tightly.
it’s calloused and rough. she smiles bitterly on the cold diner table. she remembers that he used to say the same thing about her hands when they were younger.
what should she say first? that she can’t feel anything? that everything is awful right now? she can barely find a reason to get up in the morning?
that she thinks he probably hates her? that he doesn’t want to be here that she should just shut up and die that she’s disappointed she couldn’t hide it better
what can she say what should she say she can’t think she can’t feel anything why is this happening what’s wrong with her maybe she should’ve just
“there’s just… nothing. nothing at all, ken.”
he hums softly and it prompts her to go on. she has her eyes closed and she feels his thumb rubbing circles in her palm.
her head hurts and her feet are aching. all she wants to do is sleep and never wake up.
“everyone would be better off without me. there’s just no point to it all. i know it.”
he’s leaned down so he won’t make a big scene of it all. he’s petting her hair and she can hear his tired voice talk softly to her.
“you know that’s not true. everyone’s been blowing up your phone but you never answer.”
she bites her lip and squeezes her already closed eyes more shut. her hand is tightly gripping his.
“i know. i know. i know. i know. that’s why. i’m just a stupid idiot. i just make everyone upset.”
“c’mon i don’t think doctors are stupid right? do your patients feel like that? the nurses?”
because she never shows them. she feels so guilty all the time. she can’t help but put up a front. she can’t.
she can’t let anyone know. her dirty little secret. her fingers are going numb at how hard she’s gripping his hand.
don’t let anyone know. or else you’re a bad person. letting people care about you. never let anyone know.
how can she salvage this? how can she make it seem like she’s okay? can she lie? what will get him not to tell all of their friends?
they don’t need to know they don’t need to be worried (it’s not like they would be anyway-) shut up!
what should she do? why does her heart hurt? weighing down her chest and forcing the liquid out of her eyes.
it hurts.
“i wish he was still here.”
she blurts out. immediately berating herself in her head because why would you say that to his best friend. why would you say that to your closest friend?
what an idiot. a stupid fucking idiot. never caring for others feelings. stupid selfish fucking idiot maybe you just should’ve
the man clutching her hand is silent. a beat passes before he sighs. and she can hear the loneliness and regret coating the sigh.
“me too.”
tears fill her eyes as she processes that he feels the same. she feels awful. how could she do that to him? what’s wrong with her?
“i’m sorry for bringing it up- i- i know you feel the same that was really-“
he has his forehead on her head. his nose engulfed by her hair. his voice sounds sad and tired. his hand is entwined with hers.
“stop apologizing for how you feel. it’s fine.”
tears fill her eyes as she squeezes them shut.
idiot idiot idiot maybe you just should’ve never said anything at all maybe you should’ve pretended better maybe
“but it’s not and i’m sorry-“
he chuckles. a sad and small little thing. it makes her words halt in her throat.
“maybe you should stop apologizing at all.”
she’s come to a stop in her words because there’s nothing she wants to do more but apologize. she wants to say sorry until she dies because she deserves it.
but she doesn’t.
because he told her not to.
so they stay in the position for a few more minutes before they both hear their waitress’ signature humming coming near them.
she serves them their food and she couldn’t be more delighted. she thanks her waitress with a blotchy face and watery eyes.
her waiters gives her a surprised look before immediately softening and putting a hand on her shoulder.
“anything for my favorite regulars.”
she looks at draken and her one more time before telling them to enjoy their food. she slowly brings a bite of her food to her lips and she’s realized she hasn’t eaten all day.
she’s smiling at the food as draken keeps eyeing her. she thinks his eyes look a bit red also.
“i love you, ken.”
she doesn’t love him like emma did. and what she would give to give him that chance for emma to be alive to love him like that. she’d give anything.
but she loves him. in a way that only the two of them could understand.
draken doesn’t look surprised as he doesn’t even look up at her as he eats his meal. gulping down a bite, he waits for a moment.
“i love you too.”
it flows out of his mouth easily.
“you know that.”
he adds on slowly before taking another bite of his food.
she didn’t. she’s happy they’re not edgy teenagers that were scared to say they loved one another. she’s crying now and she’s smiling.
the small dinner doesn’t fix everything. doesn’t fix anything really. they hug at the end of the night after he drives her back to her apartment on his motorcycle. it’s tight and desperate. and she almost doesn’t want to let go.
but it does and he leaves and she thought that’d be the end of it.
but when mitsuya randomly shows up at her apartment, he helps her clean up. he doesn’t say anything other than jokes about some of the things in her apartment.
she tiredly smiles as she finally does the dishes. and when he randomly hugs her, she smells his cologne. his sweater is soft and warm and she wants to melt in it.
she feels like that helpless 15 year old again and he feels like that pillar that was always there.
hes petting her hair like he always did when they were younger and his arm wraps around her waist.
“hey. sorry draken told me but i’m always open. i always have time for you.”
she wants to punch draken in the face and at the same time thank him a million times.
but she’s scared. still terrified. so she goes onto her defense and grins up at him.
“no it’s fine mitsuya, it’s okay-“
his hold tightens and hes hugging her closer now. his voice is full of sadness and sympathy.
“i will always have time for you. i care about you so much.”
she wants to joke and ask where those immature teenagers went. but the words are stuck in her throat where the tears are replacing.
“you guys are real stubborn yknow that?”
he chuckles and hums into her ears. he sways lightly from side to side before replying.
“some things never change, huh?”
her laugh is watery but she doesn’t care as she kisses his cheek. he’s still that teenage boy when his face turns red.
and so he leaves and she’s left with an almost clean apartment (save for the almost done laundry.)
it’s the little things when smiley and angry coming or inviting her over to cook. when hakkai asks her opinions on his newest gigs. when chifuyu constantly tells her to come by the pet shop.
when kazutora hesitantly wraps his hands around hers and tells her that she’s never alone.
it’s in the way takemichi texts her stupid memes and hina is wanting to shop with her and yuzuha. the way pah and peh call her just to loudly yell at her and ask what she’s been up to.
in the way, she sees that her bills have been paid once again by an unknown sender.
she smiles and remembers all the little things that used to mean the world to her but soon forgot in the barrage in her life.
she’s never alone. she’s doesn’t need to worry.
she still sometimes tears her head apart. sometimes still feels the heaviness in her heart. sometimes still feels the hundreds regrets in the past.
but it’s forgotten with another text, another phone call, another surprise visit.
and one day, a night out to the karaoke bar with all of them.
with takemichi and hina singing a western song, all of them are crying laughing and she’s finally and truly laughing.
it still hurts.
but it’s okay.
she can deal with it with everyone else.
how it was always supposed to be.