For A Rainy Day

by Ioudloudlove

Summary:

THIS WORK COVERS TOPICS THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME READERS FROM THE OUTSET. PLEASE CHECK THE TAGS & WARNINGS. THANK YOU

Louis is struggling; isolated and lonely after a violent relationship ended in kidnap and a near death experience, he is trying to rebuild his life in a new city, staying anonymous amongst the many faces. Every morning he visits the bakery opposite his flat to add a bit of routine to his upside-down world.

The owner of the bakery, Harry, notices the man with the beautiful, sad eyes. He sees his lights on in the early hours, watches his shadow pace back and forth. One day, he decides to perform a random act of kindness; a gift pinned to the door with a note: For a rainy day.

As Harry begins to fall for the man, he continues to leave him surprises at his front door. But one day, Louis catches him in the act, and he is forced to come clean. They start a friendship, Louis sharing his experiences that led him to where he is now. How will Harry cope when Louis admits he’s ready to check out of life? And can he convince him that life really can be wonderful again?

OR

A secret admirer AU where Harry tries to be the hero Louis desperately needs.

Notes:

• Translation into Español available: For A Rainy Day (Traducción) by UsaguiGolden

THIS STORY IS A WORK OF FICTION. I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED AND NOTHING IS THIS FIC IS MEANT TO REFLECT AS TRUE EVENTS.

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, TRANSLATE OR SHARE MY WORK TO OTHER PLATFORMS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. THIS WORK IS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF MYSELF.

 

I wanted to go down a different route this time and try an AU fic. This is not going to be a light-hearted read. I'll be covering a lot of very difficult topics in detail, so if that isn't for you I wouldn't continue to read.

There will also be a lot of fluff and heart-warming moments between the boys. The story is ultimately about them rather than the horrible stuff. But it will be discussed as it's key to the plot. I'm posting a short prologue now so you can get a feel for the story and hopefully chapter one will be ready very soon.

I hope you all enjoy this latest work. You can join me over on Twitter at @loudloudlove for updates and discussions.

TPWK, always x

Chapter 1: PROLOGUE

 

                                               

 

Louis was in agony. Every nerve ending screamed, his joints stiff and displaced. Blood chilled on his skin, running in rivers and settling in the contours of his body. His eyes were swollen shut; the bruising and swelling of the previous endless hours forcing him into eternal darkness. He had no idea what time it was, what day it was. He had no idea how long he had been here or how long he had left to suffer.

His body spasmed involuntarily, jerking up and slamming back down into the cold wooden floor beneath him. His body ignited with pain; screaming through his bones. He tried to cry out, but all that left his mouth was a rasping breath. Water, he needed water. He remembered the rough fingers circling his neck, squeezing his windpipe until his tongue lolled out of his mouth, until he couldn’t thrash beneath the weight of him anymore. Every time he thought it was almost over, oxygen flooded his lungs, and he was dragged back into consciousness. Why wouldn’t he just let him die? Why was he playing with him?

Somewhere in the building, he could hear an animal howling. Deep, throaty screams that rattled the windows and sent a chill into his already thumping heart. That couldn’t be a human noise, there was nothing outside of hell itself that sounded so deranged, so horrifyingly feral.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU FUCKING CUNT! YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY!”

The floor vibrated beneath Louis’ broken body as somewhere in the house furniture was thrown against walls, wood splintering and glass shattering. He began to shiver, his nearly naked body breaking out in goosebumps as hot tears tried to force their way out of his closed eyes.

He wanted to run. He wanted to scream. He wanted to beg. He wanted to die.

But he couldn’t do anything except lie there and wait for the animal to return to him. He had to stay with his thoughts, live in the crippling pain inflicted on him.

The floorboards creaked, a door slamming. He was coming back. And Louis really hoped he’d finish him off this time.

 

With a strangled scream, Louis shot upright, sweat pouring from his scalp and running down his face, stinging his eyes and quickly cooling on his skin. His breath came in pants and gasps as he clawed at his throat, desperate to pull oxygen in. His fingers fumbled desperately for the lamp next to his bed; he needed to banish the darkness.

As the room began to glow in the dim light, Louis used his feet to pedal himself backwards into the corner where his bed met the wall. He pivoted his neck wildly, checking every corner through sleep crusted eyes, searching for any sign of an intruder.

As his heart finally began to slow, he buried his face in his hands and let the sobs take over him. His scarred body hitching as he folded into himself; trying to make himself smaller so he could disappear into nothing. He was alone, it was just another nightmare. Another flashback to his own personal hell. Two years had passed and still he could barely make it through one night without waking screaming and crying into the darkness.

His body had survived but his soul was dead. Louis had never made it out of that dilapidated flat where his blood soaked into the floorboards. He was just a shell when one brave, female police officer had ran into the abandoned building, truncheon drawn in an attempt to protect him from the beast that held him captive. She had saved his life and Louis cursed her every single day.

He allowed his body to try and regulate itself; felt the blood start to fill his limbs again bringing pins and needles in their wake. His heart was still skipping every few beats as it returned to its regular rhythm. When his breathing was steady, Louis lifted his head gingerly, taking another glance around the almost empty room. There was no one here, just Louis. He heard claws clicking along the hallway, his body considering whether it needed to go back into crisis. A shaggy black head poked around the door, tilting to one side as soulful eyes stared over to their master. Clifford pushed his way in, clambering clumsily onto the bed and settling into Louis’ lap. As his fingers sank into the soft curls along the dog's back, Louis let out the breath he had been holding.

“Just a nightmare, just a nightmare, just a nightmare,” he uttered under his breath. But he knew he was wrong. After all, nightmares went away when you opened your eyes.

Chapter 2: The Loner Baker With His Head In The Clouds

Summary:

Harry wonders about the mysterious man across the road

Notes:

I listened to a few songs while I was writing this so I thought I'd drop them here in case you guys wanted to listen as you read.

Damien Rice- Delicate
Lord Huron- The Night We Met
Harry Styles- Girl Crush
Amos Lee- Colors

Hope you all enjoy meeting Harry, I'm in love with his character and I can't wait to show you more of him x

Harry yawned as he made his way up the steps, emerging from the underground as drunken revellers began their descent. He checked his watch, still only 3.35am, he had plenty of time to make the rest of his journey. Owning a bakery in the heart of London was a lifelong dream. Ever since he was a little boy Harry had dreamed of a cosy shop; the smell of freshly baked bread and cakes filling every space, squashy sofas and armchairs in the corner and coffee with every flavour syrup under the sun. He dragged his way from the bottom of the pile, putting himself through culinary school and working in Greggs, saving every penny he could and slaving tirelessly on his business plan in an effort to convince the bank to take a chance on him. Finally, someone had seen his vision; before he knew it he’d picked up and moved to London with the keys to his new shop and one large suitcase. For the last four years his little dream had gone from strength to strength with his own blood, sweat and tears as fuel. He was in a comfortable position with the business now, but he still liked to be the first to arrive and the last to leave every day.

Harry pulled his phone out of his pocket and switched to his favourite playlist. His deputy manager, Niall, called it Depression FM; songs about heartbreak were just his thing, what could he say? The dulcet tones of Damien Rice flooded through his earbuds and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up; he dreamed of that kind of love. No one could understand how he could listen to songs about the darker side of love and crave that feeling but Harry felt it on a different level; the thought of loving someone so much that even the way they hurt you inspired something beautiful, well that was just poetry to him.

Crossing over the deserted road, he headed towards the park gates. In a couple of hours these roads would be clogged with grumpy commuters heading into the city for the daily grind. But for now, it was peaceful, the sun only just teasing the horizon. Cutting through the park was Harry’s favourite part of his morning walk; the way the darkness spread right to the edges and hid the secrets of the wildlife, the birds just warming up their vocal cords for the dawn chorus and the streetlights clicking off as the fountains started to trickle. Nearing the footbridge, Harry decided to walk a way down the riverbank and take a couple of minutes to just listen to the rush of the water. He giggled to himself, hearing the last words Niall had uttered to him as left the previous evening.

“Don’t understand you mate, you go to all these creepy places at sparrow’s fart in the morning. It’s like you actually want to find a dead body!”

The water bubbled past, the scum lapping the edges of the bank. The grass gave way to narrow strip of pebbles, pushed up into a haphazard shoreline by the current. Dewdrops clung to Harry’s jeans, his boots collecting the mud as he walked. He liked to look for interesting stones, washed smooth by their time in the water. He found it fascinating how nature changed things, making them more beautiful as it eroded them away gradually. There could be a lot of joy in destruction if you knew how to look properly. Something smooth and white caught his eye; a flattened pebble carved into the shape of a crude heart by its time in the water. He stooped down on his haunches and grabbed the stone before it slipped back under the foam; after he dried it on the edge of his coat, he held it towards the growing light and admired the colours swirling through the grain. A small part of him considered writing a meaningful message on it so he could leave it on the bridge ledge for an unsuspecting walker to find, but it felt too special to leave behind.

Harry climbed back up the bank, his long legs stretched as he braced his feet against the slippery grass. His hand stayed clutched around the stone while his thumb traced the smooth edges. It was definitely a special one, he could feel it. Maybe going down there after so much rain wasn’t his best idea, the ground moved beneath him, and he struggled against gravity. Crisis averted, he reached the top without going arse over tit; a small victory but a victory none the less. One last big stretch found him back on the pavement and he made his way across the bridge towards the bakery. When he reached the exit, he brought his arm up to check his watch, still only 4am even with his unscheduled pitstop. He ran through his ideas for the day, the bread that needed to be baked and the sweet treats that needed to be prepared for collection; at least Niall was on decorating duty today so Harry could concentrate on the new designs for the upcoming summer months; he was thinking lots of citrus flavours, berries, fluffy meringue and white chocolate drizzles.

The bakery came into view, a dim glow in the window as the timer on the lights gradually lowered the brightness. Harry’s window displays were the stuff of legend; every month he depicted a different romance novel with a variety of props and invited his customers to try and guess what it was. Every correct guess got a free themed muffin and their name on the blackboard. The regulars got pretty competitive with it, all of them desperate to be the first name up there at the beginning of the month. This month was 'The Time Traveller’s Wife'; a variety of clocks set to different times dotted around, some fastened to walls and other’s leaning against the sporadic shelves. A silk pillow sat on an old writing desk in the centre, two gold rings sparkling from the middle. Next to it, a half-smoked cigarette in an ashtray and a realistic-looking foam sandwich with two bites out it. A battered suitcase rested at the foot of the desk, clothes spilling out of it and trailing to the edge of the window. A high-backed spinning chair was sat askew from the desk, turned to face out the window. Laid out in it, a full man’s outfit, left as though someone had disappeared without any notice. Harry knew that people thought him bizarre, the loner baker with his head in the clouds who decorated his shop window without advertising his wares, but he didn’t care. There was so little fun in life anymore and he wanted to provide that light relief for someone who needed it.

Muscle memory made Harry turn his head to the flat across the road. As he expected, the lights were on again, a figure frantically pacing backwards and forwards past the lowered blinds. It was a regular occurrence for the mysterious regular customer; he had caught Harry’s attention almost immediately after he had moved in. Every day he made his way across the road to the bakery, a big black service dog by his side. He moved noiselessly, and his eyes only ever left the floor for a split second as he scanned the goods in the glass case. They were breathtakingly blue; icy and cool with the sort of depth to them that promised secrets to be discovered. But they were sad, always seeming to on the edge of tears, the fire behind them long extinguished. Harry had always been an empath and this guy made his heart physically hurt, his own pain seeping from his pores and enveloping the usually positive baker. It felt like someone had dialled down the colour on the world leaving a grey fog over everything.

Before he could think too hard about what he was doing, Harry shot into the shop and ran behind the glass display, pulling a brown paper bag from underneath the counter. He took his Sharpie from his inside pocket and scribbled on the heart rock. After a few warm breaths to dry the ink, he folded it inside the paper bag and wrote ‘For a rainy day...’ on the outside. The door tinkled with Niall’s arrival just as Harry took off past him and disappeared out into the half-light. The other man watched in disbelief as his boss charged across the road and propped the brown bag in his hand against the front door of the downstairs flat directly opposite.

“What is that eejit up to now?!” Niall shook his head and laughed as Harry ran back, looking over his shoulder as if he had just robbed a bank.

He tripped over his own feet and fell back inside the bakery, his chest heaving as righted himself and dropped dramatically against the door. His eyes were closed, sweat beaded along his hairline.

“Shit that was terrifying!” Harry’s eyes opened wide, a hand covering his mouth.

“Care to explain boss?” Niall folded his arms, one eyebrow cocked to the ceiling and an amused smile on his lips.

“Random act of kindness Nialler, nothing too deep.”

“For that creepy guy over the road? The one who’s dead behind the eyes?”

“He’s sad. I can... feel it. I just thought he might need some cheering up.” Harry moved around the shop, hanging his coat on the old-fashioned stand at the door and removing his dirty boots. As he pushed his feet into the worn white trainers he saved for the kitchen, he threw a glance in Niall’s direction. He knew before he looked what to expect and the knowing grin came as no surprise.

“He’s a serial killer. I can feel it.” Niall started to strip off his coat and outdoor shoes. “Just be careful boss, I don’t want you getting yourself into trouble. Your heart is far too pure for that.” He clapped Harry on the back as he strolled past him into the kitchen.

Harry took a minute to watch the flat over the road as the figure continued to pace. He bit down on his bottom lip and wondered what was going through Blue Eye’s head right now. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

Chapter 3: His Own Little Bit Of Sun

Summary:

Louis finds a gift waiting for him outside his front door

Notes:

The songs I listened to when writing this were:

Gary Jules- Mad World
The Rolling Stones- Paint It Black
Green Day- Basket Case
Linkin Park- Numb

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. They will get gradually longer as the fic goes on and we get more detail. I'm loving getting to know Louis' character, he has a lot of layers to peel back before we get to know him completely.

Louis paced the floor, walking the same path backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. He wrung his hands together in front of him, muttering under his breath as he tried to get out of the negative headspace the nightmare had thrust him into. He reached over to the side table as he passed the sofa and grabbed his cigarettes. He shook violently and had to wrap his free hand around his wrist to bring the lighter to the tip. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to bed now, it was 4am and he was up for the day; he would pace until around 6am when he would finally feel able to shower without the fear that came from the closed curtain surrounding him.

The varnished wooden floor showed his trail, scuffed and faded from the constant movement of his weary feet. Alongside it were the claw marks where Clifford loyally walked alongside his master; he never stopped before Louis was completely ready. He had come along for the ride when the move to London became a necessity rather than a dream. Leaving Doncaster felt like the safest option for Louis; he couldn’t stay in the place where such evil had taken hold of him. But when the PTSD consumed him, he knew he would need some help. His mum had offered to make the move with his siblings, anything to protect her baby that she felt she had let down when she hadn’t been able to protect him. Moving his brother and sisters was not something Louis wanted; they were far too settled in the family home, so Clifford was the compromise. A registered service dog, he was trained to notice when anxiety levels were rising and would rush to Louis’ side to provide comfort and help him move away from triggers safely. He could sense an oncoming episode before Louis felt that first twist in his gut. Clifford was teaching Louis to trust again, to allow something into his heart and his home. He was teaching him how to love again instead of hating and fearing everyone around him.

From outside the window came the sound of singing; the baker was arriving for work. Louis was pretty sure he mustn't know he sang along to whatever warbling garbage he was listening to that day, but without fail every day he would come past pouring his soul out through the medium of song. This morning’s offering was ‘Girl Crush’. His smooth, deep voice skipped effortlessly through the notes; he never missed a single one. Even on the mornings that he sang along to Queen, the baker somehow managed to hit them all including the ridiculously high harmonies. Regular as clockwork, he had become a kind of comfort siren for Louis, he let him know that he wasn’t alone with the dark that lurked behind his blind. There was somebody else in the world who knew that he existed, who may even notice if he didn’t show up one day.

Louis had been going to the bakery every single day, apart from Sundays when they were closed, to fetch breakfast for himself. It had started off as a treat every few days. He would fetch a pastry and coffee home and eat it in the communal garden that he shared with the old man upstairs. Eventually, he graduated to every other day and then every day; he found the baker’s shop strangely soothing, like a tight hug around his bony shoulders. His creations were otherworldly; contrasting flavours that should never have worked together, clashing colours that would look garish anywhere else but somehow he made them complement each other, spun sugar toppers that defied all the laws of physics and silky-smooth chocolates that melted as soon as they touched your tongue. He even made doggy cupcakes complete with buttercream grass on top and a miniature chocolate bone poking out the top. If Louis was getting fat, he was taking Clifford down with him.

He suddenly realised that his thoughts about the baker had diverted him away from the edge; he could feel his limbs, his hands were steady, and his paranoia tucked away back in its box. Even Clifford seemed confused, he couldn't detect the usual signs of anxiety, but still his master paced.

“Clifford, come.” Louis patted the side of his thigh, signalling for the dog to follow him to the bathroom. He turned the dial on the shower, the sudden rush of water accompanied by a loud hum that sparked a metallic tang of panic in the back of his throat. He recovered quickly, his mouth twitching with the slightest smile as he thought how ridiculous he must have looked, startled by his own shower. He peeled off his rumpled pyjamas, the vinegary tang of cold, dried sweat hitting his nostrils as the fabric snapped over his head; the thought of it made his stomach lurch and without much thought he hopped in the shower and closed the curtain halfway, the furthest he had ever managed to close himself in. Water rained over his tired body, kissing his scars and warming his blood. For the first time, Louis Tomlinson showered while the dark of night still hung on to its position in the sky.

By 7am Louis had fastened Clifford into his red ‘working dog’ vest, prepared for the short walk across the street to The Canyon Moon Bakery & Café. He had watched from his window as the baker flitted around the inside, his movement alluringly hypnotic. Two years ago, he would have been exactly Louis’ type; tall, dark and handsome with devastating green eyes and thick curls pulled back off his face in a bun. He had a swathe of tattoos adorning his arms and what looked like the tips of wings poking out of the neck of his t-shirt. He was what you would immediately expect a biker to look like, but his soft face was always curved into a smile, all his teeth showing and deep dimples popping in his cheeks. The baker was a walking oxymoron.

Clifford stood at the front door, the rope that was tied to the handle between his teeth. He had been trained in how to open doors in case Louis ever fell back into a catatonic state. For around a month after the doctors had brought him out of the induced coma, he hadn't moved, hadn’t spoken or reacted to stimuli. He had laid on his back in the hospital bed, his neck twisted awkwardly to one side and his fists clenched. Inside his head an endless loop of the torture he had endured played, the voices of doctors and his mother’s crying interspersing from time to time as they crowded by his bedside. The awkward position his body had twisted into made his muscles burn; the feeding tube irritated his throat. His mum had never left his bedside, she insisted on taking over his personal care and would take her time gently washing him with a warm flannel, brushing his teeth whenever his jaw unclenched and combing his hair into his usual style.

The door opened with a clunk and Clifford began to pull. When Louis stepped forward, a brown paper bag flopped onto his toes, and he hopped back as though it had burned him through his shoes. What kind of a psychopath leaves random bags on someone’s doorstep?! He wouldn’t put it past the creepy Irish guy that worked across the road; there was something wrong with him, Louis could see it behind his eyes. In private, he referred to him as Ted Bundy.

There was always the fear that he had been found; that his past had tracked him like an animal and cornered him in ready for attack. The dog lowered his nose to the package, sniffing thoroughly and whining, his bottom immediately sinking to the floor when he was finished. Not food then. Or some sort of dead animal. Louis dropped to his haunches and picked up the bag between his forefinger and thumb. He allowed it to spin lazily; as it turned, he noticed scrawling black writing across one side.

“For a rainy day,” he muttered under his breath. “’Cos that’s not creepy at all, is it Cliff?” His fingers slid under the folded edge, and it ripped slightly at his touch. He gingerly reached into the bag and made contact with something cold and hard; his hand withdrew quickly, his fingers curving around the gift. Nestled in his palm was a smooth white rock, colours spiralling through its core. It was shaped like a slightly lopsided heart, worn away by its own environment. Louis knew exactly how the stone felt, like it was being stripped away by everything around it, only a matter of time before it became nothing and disappeared altogether. He flipped it over in his palm and his jaw dropped in disbelief at the same scrawled handwriting across its face.

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, he turned into a butterfly”

Louis had no idea where this gift came from, or who it came from for that matter, but he didn’t feel afraid. As soon as he touched that stone a wave of calm washed over him, as if it held mystical powers that no one could see. As if it was meant to find him. The weaving colours gave it a heartbeat, a purpose, power. He gave the rock one more good look, the twitching smile getting slightly higher each time he used it. He dropped it into his pocket, the added weight a comfort as it knocked against his thigh. And call him crazy, but Louis was sure he could feel the heat of it radiating into his skin through the fabric, his own little bit of sun.

Chapter 4: The Beautiful Man With The Sad Eyes

Summary:

Louis and Harry share something special in the bakery

Notes:

There's a lot of talking in this chapter. We'll be past all the boring bit soon enough.
Music for this chapter is:

Taylor Swift- Begin Again
Fine Young Cannibals- She Drives Me Crazy
Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova- Falling Slowly
Ed Sheeran & Taylor Swift- Everything Has Changed

Harry had watched the flat door almost obsessively since the sun had cracked the sky. He was nervous about the gift he had left for Blue Eyes, running through multiple scenarios in his head about being found out and getting his ear chewed off in front of a shop full of customers. He had been distracted and clumsy, botching batches of bread and cakes with uneven ingredients and burnt tops. As the customers started to stream through the doors. Harry tried to concentrate on grilling bacon and poaching eggs for the breakfast rolls. It wasn’t working. He needed to see what reaction the rock would get so he could prepare himself for the aftermath.

“Harry? Harry? Harry?!” Niall’s voice broke into his thoughts, and he snapped his head round away from the window.

“Sorry, miles away. What?”

“You’re dripping egg yolk all over the floor boss.” Niall looked over knowingly, his ability to read Harry’s face never failing him.

He looked down at the slatted spoon in his hand, egg whites bulged through the gap and yolk dripped onto the black and white tiled floor with a steady splat.

“Oh bugger!” he hissed as he ran to the bin and flicked the ruined egg inside. “Sorry Gary, I’ll do you another one real quick,” he shouted over his shoulder as he dropped the spoon into the sink and reached for another.

“No rush pal. Who is she?” Gary chuckled and looked up from his phone screen. A teddy bear of a man, he ran a construction company a couple of streets away. Every morning he came to Canyon Moon for a breakfast roll and a coffee that he ate at his desk in peace.

“What do you mean?” Harry busied himself and cracked another egg into the boiling water, adding a splash of vinegar to help it bond together.

“Has to be a woman. Ain’t never seen a man that lost in his own head unless there’s a woman somewhere pecking it.” He looked at Harry expectantly and raised his eyebrows at Niall in amusement.

“Not this time Gar, the only woman that will ever peck my head is my mother. I prefer the masculine approach.” He smiled, scooping the hardened egg out of the water gently and allowing it to drain. No one liked soggy bread. He stepped sideways to where the open bun waited and slipped the egg on top of bacon and sausage.

“I’m sure men are just bad. Worse, probably. So, who is he?” Gary was unfazed by the revelation that Harry was gay. Although he didn’t look it, he was an open-minded man, completely at ease with anyone unless they gave him a good reason not to be.

“Erm, Harry.”

Saved from answering by Niall, Harry could kiss him. He didn’t know how to explain exactly why he was so bothered by Blue Eyes; it didn’t make sense in his own head. It was as if something inside of him had latched onto the beautiful man with the sad eyes. Was it intrigue? Saviour syndrome? Empathy? He had no idea. As he carefully wrapped the sandwich, he flicked his eyes to Niall. He was gesticulating out of the window with his head and Harry’s heart dropped lower in his chest.

The door over the road opened and Blue Eyes appeared. Harry watched his head swivel nervously from side to side before he pulled it further open. The brown paper bag flopped backwards and landed on top of his foot, sparking him to jump back as if he had been attacked. Why was he so flighty? Harry continued to watch as the shaggy black dog sniffed all around the package and sat down promptly to look up at his master when he was finished. Blue Eyes bent down to pick it up, holding it like it was an unexploded bomb seconds away from detonation. He tilted his head to read the writing and then quickly snatched the rock from inside the bag. This was it.

Blue Eyes examined it closely, his thumb traced over the ridges in the same way Harry’s had done hours earlier. His head tilted as he admired the swirl of colour, his face confused and guarded. When he flipped it over in his palm, Harry thought he was going to throw up. Were the words too much? Had he presumed too much? But the man smiled and brought his hand to his mouth. Harry let his half breath go as relief flooded through him; Blue Eyes hadn’t even looked this way so he couldn’t suspect the origin of his random gift.

“So, it’s him then?” Gary asked, as he looked across the small expanse of grass that separated them.

“No, nothing like that.” Harry gave a small smile as he placed Gary’s order on top of the counter. “He’s just a regular who I try to have an order ready for, is all.” He held the card reader out and allowed Gary to tap his phone on the sensor.

“Right, well, you might want to tell the sweat on your top lip then,” Gary laughed as he gathered his food up. “Best of luck with the ‘order’ Harry. See you both tomorrow.” He raised a hand goodbye and stepped backwards in perfect time to open the door for Blue Eyes.

“Erm, thanks,” he muttered in a small voice, eyes cast down as always. He allowed the dog to go in ahead of him which put distance between him and the big guy holding the door.

“No problem, fella. See you, Harry. Niall.” The door banged closed behind him and silence descended on the shop. For a couple of minutes Harry just stared, at a total loss as to what he should be doing.

Blue Eyes made his way round the shop, peering in the cases. He seemed lighter on his feet today, marginally less troubled. Niall jabbed Harry in the back to remind him to speak, and preferably, close his mouth.

“Morning!” It came out garbled, Harry’s throat stuck around the words. He did a small cough to clear it and carried on. “How are you today?”

“Good.” One-word answers were not uncommon in their exchanges, but ‘good’ was a definite improvement from the usual ‘okay’.

“That’s what we like to hear! Right Niall?” Harry needed the back-up, needed someone to keep him grounded before he started rambling. Nervous energy crawled up his spine and settled at the base of his neck. He wasn’t one for a crisis of confidence, but Gary’s words mixed with his secret and suddenly he didn’t know how to behave.

“We sure do, boss! I’m off into the kitchen to check how my chocolates are doing.” Niall hid a laugh as he disappeared through the back; Harry noticed he stood where he could still see into the shop, he obviously enjoyed watching the suffering. The man thrived on second hand embarrassment.

“What can I get you?” Harry forced himself to look at Blue Eyes’ face, despite the man looking at the ground. He smiled as he noticed one hand in his pocket, still curled around his gift. It was bringing him comfort and that was all he needed to know.

Time slowed and the air was sucked out of the room as he looked up without warning. Ice blue locked onto emerald green, a flicker of something inexplainable passing between the two. Was that... a spark? Louis dropped his eyes almost immediately and fumbled with the dog lead.

“Breakfast roll please, sausage and egg. And a cappuccino with vanilla syrup and whipped cream. Please.”

Harry busied himself preparing the order, regularly sneaking glances back at Blue Eyes. He had squatted down next to his dog to play with the soft underside of his ears. The red service dog vest jumped out at Harry, and he cursed himself for making the man nervous.

“Here we are then, breakfast for one. Can I get your friend here anything?” He smiled down at the shaggy dog; his face creased in a look of genuine affection as he watched the wagging tail sweep across the tiles. In his peripheral vision Harry noticed the other man watching him from under his fringe, head not quite turned towards him as his eyes tracked over his face. He decided to give him some warning to look away this time to avoid a repeat of earlier. Harry cleared his throat and stepped back from the counter before he raised his own eyes.

“Just a Peanut Butter Pupcake please. His name is Clifford... I don’t know if you wanted to know that.”

“Clifford? I like it. A distinguished name for a distinguished gent.” Harry allowed himself to smile over at Blue Eyes, not sure if he could actually see it or not. But he hoped he could at least hear it in his voice. He put the cake into a small cardboard box, sticking an extra treat in on a whim. Clifford definitely deserved a little gift too, if only to remind his owner that it didn’t have to be scary when good things happened. He watched in awe as the dog took the cardboard handles from his master, sitting patiently with it between his teeth as he prepared for the journey home.

Harry rang up the order and took payment; the whole time neither said a word, the silence growing thick and stifling. He wanted to say something, wanted to say anything, but his mouth wouldn’t form words. Knowing that Niall was watching from the kitchen certainly didn’t help, he really didn’t have time for a critique of his performance today.

“Right well, see you tomorrow. See you, Clifford! Thank you for being the best good boy around whenever you come in.” Great. He had said that out loud. What a dweeb he really was.

“Thank you, come on Cliff.” Blue Eyes gave a gentle pull on the harness and the dog walked forward immediately, pressed close the man’s legs. Harry watched them cross the shop floor, all other thoughts gone from his head and replaced with fascination at how well the duo functioned together. It was actually pretty beautiful to watch. “Oh. I wanted to... well, the window?” He had stopped midway across the floor and pivoted the top part of his body. Still his head remained down, even when he was talking to someone.

“You like it?”

“Yeah, it’s... I think all your windows are great actually. But this is one of my favourites. The Time Traveller’s Wife, right?”

“Hey, you’re spot on! Let me get you your prize. One Through the Dark vortex cupcake coming up!”

“Oh no, that’s okay. Pay it forward to the next person who comes in here. You might make their day.” He allowed his eyes to briefly flick up again, a hint of a smile on the edge of his lips.

“Of course. That’s such a kind thing to do.” Harry’s voice had dropped in volume, his usual cheery, sing song edge turned soft and awestruck. No one ever turned down free stuff in London; it was an unwritten rule that you took whatever you could get. “Can I at least put your name on the board?” He gestured at the blackboard behind him, a list of around twenty names that had already guessed correctly.

“It’s Louis.” Of course, it was Louis, he couldn’t have been named something boring and normal like Kevin or Barry. It had to be regal, exciting, exotic. It spread across Harry’s tongue, his lips dying to speak it out loud.

“And I’m Harry.” Louis nodded, lips in a tight smile. He turned away and headed back towards the door again with Clifford pinned to his side. Harry watched them all the way across to their flat, waiting until the front door closed behind them before he dropped his head into his hands.

Niall walked out from the kitchen, chocolate around his mouth. Clearly, he’d spent more time sampling his sweets rather than checking on their progress. At least they must taste good, that was a plus.

“Ready to admit it yet boss?” He chuckled from behind Harry, one meaty hand brought to rest on the baker’s shoulder and squeezing. “Or are you still telling yourself it’s nothing?”

Harry chewed his fingernails and let his brain try to bring him some clarity. Not that he needed it, he knew exactly what was going on with him. Louis. The sad man with the beautiful eyes. Delicate bone structure and a fragile heart. Outrageously handsome and kind-hearted. Shit.

“I think I might have a crush."

Chapter 5: Maybe I Like Trouble

Summary:

Harry continues his gift giving and Louis decides to eat breakfast inside the bakery

Notes:

Music for this chapter is:

Counting Crows- Colorblind
Muse- Feeling Good
Harry Styles- Trouble (unreleased)
Stormzy- Blinded By Your Grace pt. 2

Hope you guys enjoy this one. I'm falling more in love with the characters with every chapter. I never make a solid plan for my writing, I just let my idea roll and the characters decide where they're going for themselves. Hopefully this comes across the right way and gives them the spontaneity I'm aiming for.

Louis set his breakfast out on the rusted metal table in his garden and took a moment to enjoy the way the early morning sun warmed his skin. Clifford settled on the parched grass and licked methodically at the frosting on his pupcake. Despite the rough start to the day, he felt strangely positive, as though something small had changed inside of him but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He reached into his pocket again and smoothed his fingers over the rock; how could something so simple alter his mood? Just knowing that it was sat there spurred him on and encouraged him to do better.

His time in London had been a pretty dismal experience; the anonymity of the city was perfect for him to disappear into but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Sometimes the rush of faces pushing past him in the street suffocated him, made him feel as though he was being watched from every direction by people who could see what he was and what had happened to him. When the feeling rose, his scars would pulse and burn like fresh wounds, the voices in his head would become loud and taunting and his limbs would turn to lead. Once upon a time Louis had been confident, sassy, in your face. He wouldn’t let anyone make him feel like he wasn’t good enough or like he deserved anything but the very best of what life had to offer. He had been the life and soul of every party, the first one anyone called when there was something fun going on. He had grabbed life by the balls and thrown himself headfirst into every experience. He had loved wildly, falling quickly and immersing himself in passion and the rush of new relationships. He had been a skinny dipper, a rollercoaster rider, a bungee jumper, a white-water rafter, a pedal to the metal driver. He had screamed until he thought his lungs would burst at once in a lifetime concerts, stayed in hostels that should come with a health warning as he travelled the world, sobbed until his throat was raw as he got lost inside a good book. He had never apologised for who he was. He missed that version of himself sometimes. People didn’t know what to say anymore or how to act around him so eventually they just stopped calling. He didn’t get invites to cool parties anymore because he was no longer a vibe, he was a buzzkill instead; he reminded everyone of their own mortality, of the way your life can change with the click of someone’s finger. They didn’t want to look at him and be reminded of their own guilt and pain. So instead, they had forgotten about him and phased him out of their lives.

Just sharing a few words with Harry this morning had felt exciting and fresh. It had surprised Louis that someone who was clearly interesting and different would want to have a conversation with him. It was plain to see that Harry would not be the kind of person who struggled to make friends or find new opportunities to feed his soul, but he still had the presence of mind to make his customers feel like they mattered. He was either a truly good person or a fantastic businessman. Louis leaned towards the latter, after all, who would be interested in talking to the strange man over the road who couldn’t even order his breakfast without a service dog.

He pushed the last bite of his breakfast roll into his mouth and wiped his fingers on the front of his trousers. Clifford had long since demolished his treat and snoozed happily in the grass at Louis’ feet, his mouth twitching as he dreamed. The world was waking up; the sounds of schoolchildren as they shouted at each other on the way to the bus stop drifted into the garden, housewives along the street pinned washing out to make the most of the early summer sun and warm breeze, cars revved their way into the city centre to start their day. Louis pulled his coffee towards him and brushed his thumb over the Canyon Moon logo, maybe his next personal goal could be to eat his breakfast inside? He liked the vibe over there, the feeling that everyone had a home no matter who they were. He could even get used to the creepy Irish man if he didn’t look at him for too long. Was he stupid to think he was ready to eat in public? Probably, but he wanted to try. He would tell his therapist later, set the intention and put a little bit of pressure on himself to see it through.

He let a smile force its way onto his lips and brought the coffee up to take a sip. Yes, Canyon Moon could be good for him.

 

Harry spent the day swamped under a sea of orders and a steady stream of customers. The bell on the door jingled incessantly as bodies went in and out; they clutched their goods close to them as if someone would lean over and pluck it out of their hands. Not many people made it more than a few steps before they ripped into the bag and got lost in the flaky pastry and unique flavours Harry and Niall created. But as busy as he was, the thought that overtook everything else was Louis. Louis who had finally let out more than a mumble, Louis who had eyes that sparked a fire in Harry’s gut. Louis who had sadness in his eyes but kindness in his heart. He hadn’t come back out of the house today, unless Harry had missed it, but there was no pacing figure in the window, that had to be a good sign.

As he plotted his plan of action in his head, Harry started to smile. He wanted to know Louis, wanted to get a peek inside his life and learn all about him. The rock had clearly had an impact, it had spurred the man on to open up and give a little more of himself away. So, what if he carried on leaving gifts? He couldn’t decide if the thought excited him for the wrong reasons; this needed to be something he did to benefit Louis, not himself. But was it bad if it benefitted them both? Gave them both a little something to brighten their day?

“Hey, Niall?” Harry looked over to his friend; they leaned against the backbench behind the counter, the day’s business tapering off as it headed towards closing time. “Did you think Louis was different today?”

“Louis? Oh, the serial killer? I see we’re still on that.” Niall laughed and pushed himself forward to start and clear the trays that still held unsold goods.

“He’s not a serial killer...he’s just different. But yes, I’m still on that. I’ve been on it all day.”

“Look, yes, he was different. Could I say why? No. But I can see that you’re wondering whether your impulsive act of kindness had something to do with it. And I’d say that was exactly what did it. Who doesn’t like a present?” He stopped to look at Harry, a tray of muffins in his hands that needed writing off.

“I want to keep doing it, see if he keeps opening up. Does that make me a selfish prick?”

“Would you be a selfish prick for giving gifts to the sad regular to make him smile? Oh yeah, boss, an absolute monster.”

“I’m doing it for me too though aren’t I? So I can keep getting to know him, maybe be a kind of friend to him.” Harry chewed at the skin around his fingers; he pulled too hard at a shred of skin and felt warm blood bead around his nail.

“Listen, stop judging yourself so hard. As long as you have good intentions, I say go for it. You only live once. If you can spread a bit of happiness while you’re doing it, then that can only be a positive thing. Just make sure that if he asks you about it, you tell the truth.”

“Obviously.” He stopped to think, mind whirring with the possibilities that stretched ahead of him. “I’m going to do it Niall. I need to come up with a plan, decide how I’m going to do this.”

“Get yourself into the office if you like, I’m okay cleaning up out here. Can I take some write-offs home? I’ve got my nephew staying with me tonight.”

“Take whatever you like,” Harry called over his shoulder as he stormed towards his office. “Shout me if you need anything!”

“Sure thing Romeo!” Niall’s brash chuckle reached Harry’s ears even as he closed the office door behind him.

He reached into his top drawer and pulled out the leather journal that he’d carried around since the first day he set foot in London. It was filled with hopes and dreams, with ideas and designs. His deepest thoughts spread through the pages, some stained with tears and others shining out with smiles. As he turned to a fresh page and uncapped his favourite pen, he allowed a fizzle of excitement to take hold in his gut. This felt special, like the start of something really good.

 

Three days later, Louis opened his door to another anonymous parcel. He wouldn’t admit it, but he’d been hopefully expecting another and had peeked out excitedly every morning just in case. The rock was still sitting in his pocket, warm against his thigh. It had made the journey underneath his pillow every night, the strangest talisman he’d ever seen. It didn’t stop the night terrors, the anxiety or all the all-encompassing fear but it soothed him, the smooth edges running down the pads of his fingers, the unnatural warmth that seeped into his skin reminding him that there was more than pain in the world.

Today’s parcel was bigger, and box shaped. Instead of a brown paper bag it was wrapped in navy blue tissue adorned with sparkling golden moons and stars. A large brown parcel tag was tied on with string. And in the same childlike scrawl: For the nights when the world feels dark. Grabbing it up off the step, Louis almost ran back inside. He tore through the beautiful paper and made sure that he saved a piece to be glued into his journal. The small cardboard box inside had a note laid on top of the lid, simple white paper folded in half to hide the secrets for a moment longer. His hands shook as he unfolded the sheet; he wanted to know what it said but he wanted to hide from it too. What if it had a name this time? How would he cope knowing who was leaving him these gifts?

The dark does not destroy the light: it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

Louis didn’t realise he was crying until tears splashed against the note, turning the paper see through and blurring the ink.

“Shit!” He ran the paper outside, weighing it down on his table in the sun to dry out. He never wanted to get rid of these, such beautiful words written and all for him. Someone was taking time out of their own life, their own schedule to do these things for him. If nothing else, he had to respect that. He didn’t know who he was trying to kid, it was so much more than respect. It was deep gratitude, fluttering in his stomach, a wry smile that twisted with both pain and joy. Louis remembered that he hadn’t actually opened the box and ran back inside to where it awaited his attention. Clifford ran backwards and forwards around his master’s feet, he had no idea what was going on, but he was excited, his tail whipping round like a rotor blade and his tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth.

As he pulled the lid away, Louis’ nostrils were flooded with the scent of patchouli. Ribbons of shredded tissue in the same deep navy and gold were bedded around a glass jar, the label not quite visible. He lifted the candle out as gently as if it was a newborn baby, pivoting it gently to admire it through the glass. Apparently, the secret gift giver had thought this theme through; the wax was a rich blue, flecks of gold glitter littered through it. On the top of the candle, shimmering stars decorated the wax, stuck out at various angles and surrounded by bursts of glitter. He lifted the lid and took a deep breath in; he savoured the smell as it spread deep into his nostrils and soothed his brain. His eyes closed, his muscles relaxing. He had never smelled anything like it.

“Night Changes: Rewind & Unwind. A soothing blend of patchouli and lavender, whipped together to inspire your senses and soothe your soul.” Louis read the label aloud and looked down to where Clifford sat at his feet. “What do you think Cliff, can we get on board with that?”

He cradled the gift close to his chest and waited for his pounding heart to slow. It felt good to have a racing heart because of excitement and promise. Even if it didn’t last, this was a feeling he would never forget.

 

Harry looked up as the bell above the door rang, a smile already fixed on his mouth. He knew it was Louis, he’d watched him stroll across the grass towards the bakery with Clifford at his side. The nerves had settled low in his abdomen, he was worried that maybe the gift was too much too soon. It was certainly a big leap from a rock in a paper bag. But it seemed he was worried about nothing. Louis looked fresh and almost happy. The furrows in his brow were slightly less pronounced, his eyes slightly wider. As he entered the shop, his body didn’t seem as stiff, his movements more fluid. He didn’t spend time walking around with downcast eyes. Instead he headed straight to the counter, straight to Harry.

“Louis! Great to see you mate. What can I get you?” Harry was alone this morning, he had already dispatched Niall to the suppliers, and he was glad of it. His voice was unnaturally peppy, it threatened to betray his feelings. He could see that Louis was shaking, his long sleeves pulled down over hands that quivered, his bottom lip juddering as he pulled it in between his teeth. Eventually, his eyes flicked up. Was it just wishful thinking, or did he hold Harry’s eye for a split second longer?

“Hi, I erm...I was thinking...if it’s not too much trouble I, erm...,” Louis paused for a moment, his eyes closed as he took a few deep breaths. Harry waited patiently, he hoped his silence would convey patience and not add to the obvious pressure the man was feeling. “I thought I could eat here today.” He said this with his eyes still closed, as if he feared the answer. When he eventually opened them, his neck rolled his head down and he looked into Harry’s eyes again.

Harry tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped when he looked back into Louis’ eyes. Were they brighter today, a more vibrant blue? Was that even possible?

“Of course, it’ll be a pleasure to have your company! Not that you have to entertain me or anything..,” Harry trailed off, a nervous laugh puffing out of him. He reached up and grabbed onto the back of his neck. A subtle nip to the delicate skin grounded him, slamming self-awareness into him with force. “Go and pick yourself a table, I’ll be right over to get your order.”

He handed a breakfast menu over the counter; his hand hovered for a few beats as Louis tried to get the nerve to take it from him. When his hand reached out Harry noticed the scars around his wrists where his sleeve rode up his arm; burnt into his skin, still livid and red although obviously healed. As he tried to ignore the punch to his gut, he brought his eyes back up to Louis’ face hoping he wouldn’t realise what he had seen. These were the secrets that he kept, and it was none of Harry’s business. He just needed to remind the burning rage inside of him of that, it was not his place to protect this man.

“Thanks Harry.” His voice was soft and low, his lips slightly quirked. Harry scanned over his face and took in all the glorious details, his eyes flickering wildly. Long, dark eyelashes fanned on his cheeks as he stared at the floor, his skin as white as milk carefully moulded to the contours of his face and draped over sharp cheekbones, dark pink lips pressed tight with unspoken words, a strong jaw that deserved to be held high, not tilted to the floor.

He watched him walk away to a table right in the corner, Clifford trailing next to him. He seemed so delicate; his petite frame was swamped in baggy tracksuit bottoms and a long-sleeved Vans t-shirt. As he moved Harry could make out the lines of slim waist curving out into a generous, round bottom. He moved carefully as if each step was meticulously planned; he was aware of everything around him, never seeming to brush against anything or falter on a step. Harry couldn’t relate, his mum had always said he was like a bull in a china shop with the way he knocked into things and tripped over his own feet.

“Always so eager Harry! You’ll do yourself a damage one day!” Harry smiled at the thought of his mum, she would love to hear this story, he was sure. He made a mental note to call her later, she’d always been able to give great advice on whatever situation he’d managed to get himself into.

That morning, with Louis safely cocooned at his table, was one of the best Harry had had in a long time. He served him breakfast, carefully presented on the nicest plates he had. He watched as he ate carefully, birdlike nibbles until every scrap was gone. He watched his eyes dart around the shop, the unbridled panic every time the bell rang. He was obviously out of his comfort zone, but Harry knew he needed to stay back, let him work it out on his own. As he finished up and piled his dirty crockery helpfully, he flicked his eyes back over to the counter.

“You don’t need to do that Louis, I’ve got it.” Harry started to walk over, damp cloth in hand to wipe the table down.

“Oh, erm, okay.” Louis stood abruptly, Clifford taking his cue and appearing from under the table, frosting in his beard from his own breakfast treat. “Thank you, it was... great.”

Tension filtered through the air, both men stood facing the other, not sure what their next move should be.

“I’ve really enjoyed your company Louis,” Harry’s voice was almost a whisper, genuine warmth spilling over his words.

“Maybe I could...do it again? If I’m not too much trouble for you that is?”

“Maybe I like trouble,” Harry laughed. “Of course, you’re welcome here any time. It’s always good to see you.” Silence filled the room again, their breathing audible as Louis’ eyes crawled up and settled on Harry’s face, not quite reaching his eyes. His hand wavered in the air for moment, fingers twitching, as he considered touching his arm and then quickly dropped back to his side. He wasn’t ready for physical touch just yet, but his hands still itched to reach out as if separated from the turmoil in his brain.

“I better get Clifford home.” His eyes dropped again, the moment they had just shared over but still playing in his mind. “Thanks again Harry, see you tomorrow.” He didn’t wait for an answer, just quickly flitted between tables and out of the door.

Harry stood stock still for a couple of minutes after the door slammed closed, his ragged breaths still coming as he tried to calm the drumbeat in his chest. His mouth formed into an o-shape, tunnelling his breath in an attempt to bring him back to Earth.

“It’s a good job I like trouble,” Harry spoke aloud to the empty bakery. “’Cos I’m deep in a heap of it.”

Chapter 6: That Familiar Twist Of Attraction

Summary:

A long chapter, an interlude of sorts. Gifts keep arriving and Louis is dying to know who sent them. As he and Harry build a relationship, is he any closer to finding out who his secret admirer is?

TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCES TO EXTREME VIOLENCE

Notes:

Apologies in advance, this is a long one guys! I didn't want to skip any of the gifts or beautiful notes but I also didn't want the story to get too bogged down in it without moving on. So I've put it altogether in one long chapter that gets us from A to B. In the chapter after this one, the action starts and we get a better look into Harry & Louis' lives.

I also seem to be having some problems with my italics, they're not always working for some reason, so I apologise if it looks a little odd.

Music for this chapter is:

Harry Styles- Grapejuice
Katy Perry- Firework
Pink- Perfect
Radiohead- Creep
Louis Tomlinson- Don't Let It Break Your Heart

The days wore on, summer coming ever closer with a cloying heat and a heavy haze that settled over London. Time seemed to be in flux; the humidity making minutes stretch into uncomfortable hours, tossing and turning for the cool side of the bed and never feeling fully rested. Days spent searching for shade and chasing the fan around in a vain attempt at catching a breeze. Only feeling clean for half an hour after a shower before the sweat rolled down your spine and your hair stuck to your head in clumps. Global warming at its finest, late spring and already it was unbearable.

But just as time kept coming, so did the anonymous gifts. Three days after the candle, Louis opened the door to a pink polka-dotted gift bag, stuffed with silver tissue paper and with a tag that read: For when you feel like you have nothing. Inside was a box frame stuffed with a pink velvet cushion. And nestled inside, highly polished and gleaming, a penny; the Queen’s serious profile looking back at him. Above the coin, pinned to the cushion was a piece of card and the childlike scrawl he had come to know stating that this was a ‘forever penny’, to be kept so he would always have something no matter how rough life became. As usual, there was a brief note, no name or revealing information, just a meaningful quote. It was a long one today, the words spread over half a sheet of A4. Louis felt a sob begin to choke him as he looked at the words written for him; he felt stripped back, seen by this anonymous gift giver who seemed to know exactly what he needed to hear.

I’m not here to tell you how perfect you are. You aren’t. Far from it in fact. I’m just here to tell you that in spite of everything that has gone wrong for you, you’re unstoppable. So go ahead, be rebellious, forceful even. Take what you need, just be sure to leave the best parts of yourself with everyone you touch. You are not alone

That day, Louis tucked his new book under his arm before he left for the café, the note slipped between the pages to act as a bookmark. He finished eating, dabbing his mouth with a napkin, and asked Harry for another coffee. When it was sat on the table in front of him, the steam rising and creating dancing patterns in front of his eyes, he took out his book and reluctantly let go of Clifford’s leash. It had always been a tether, something to stop him simply floating away into the ether. Today he wanted to know what it felt like to be cut loose, even if only for half an hour. His feelings settled somewhere between invigoration and abject fear; he wanted to throw up, to scream, to take cover under the table. He felt alive. Whenever his resolve weakened, his eyes went to Harry. The way he worked so diligently, the hint of a smile always waiting to spread into something bigger, even when he was cleaning the coffee machine filters or scraping burnt pastry from the used trays. He had an aura around him, a buzz that demanded attention and held an audience captive. What Louis didn’t know, couldn’t possibly know, was that smile was a symptom of his presence. Of the way him just being there positively affected Harry’s mood. It was all for Louis.

♥

Four days passed and Louis had started to give up hope of another surprise parcel waiting for him. Perhaps the gift giver had grown bored, found a better muse. As he opened the door, he almost stood on the long, flat box that lay on his doorstep; it skittered between Clifford’s paws, stopping precariously on the edge of the sudden drop down to the garden path. He lurched forward to grab it and his knees slammed down hard onto the edge of the step.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” He rolled onto his bum, hands clasping his kneecaps. Tears threatened behind his eyes as warm blood started to trickle under his jeans. His legs had never been the same since... then. Louis had had a lot of surgery, a real lot of surgery, to fix the damage done to him inside that hell hole. His legs had been completely shattered from thigh to foot from a combination of stamping, a baseball bat and a hammer being used to cause as much suffering as possible. A lot of the bones couldn’t be salvaged; teams of surgeons had painstakingly removed the slivers from where they had embedded into his muscles and replaced them with titanium rods. He had come extremely close to losing both legs, the risk of infection ridiculously high, but his mum had begged the surgeons to at least try. She knew that he had already lost so much, and she wanted to do anything she could to protect him now.

Clifford was trying to get Louis up off the floor, his head trying to butt it’s way under his arms. When that didn't work, He paced along the length of his body a couple of times, trying to find another angle. Eventually he sat down and started to howl long and loud to attract attention and bring someone to help him.

“Cliff, no. No, Cliff! I’ll be fine in a minute. STOP HOWLING!”

“Louis?” His head pivoted at the sound of his name, his frustration with Clifford forgotten to give way to embarrassment.

Harry stood at his gate, one foot behind the other tapping out a rhythm. His hands were clasped in front of him, his eyes were filled with concern. He started to edge his way up the path, moving trepidly as though approaching a skittish animal. Which Louis supposed, he kind of was. A forest green apron sat low on his hips; the waistband of his jeans visible where his t-shirt had ridden up and a soft, smattering of dark curly hair disappearing in a trail. The tiniest edge of a tattoo was poking out on one side and Louis found himself wondering if he had one to match on the other hip.

“That looked kinda bad. Do you need some help?” He stood over Louis now, his head blocking out the sun and giving him some kind of halo. He looked like an angel without it, nature didn’t need to give him a hand.

“Oh God, you saw. How embarrassing.”

“Hey, don’t say that! I’m always falling over, spend more time on my arse than I do on my feet.” There was that smile, teeth gleaming inside his plump, red lips. Wisps of hair that had fallen from his bun were stuck to his neck with the sweat that came from standing in front of an oven when it was almost 30 degrees outside. He was holding out a large hand with long elegant fingers dangling an inch from Louis’ face. There was a large anchor tattoo dominating his forearm, the traditional rope coil missing.

“I erm, I just need a minute. My legs are a bit... numb. Happens sometimes if I land on them wrong. Sorry.”

“Why exactly are you apologising you donut?!” Harry laughed and settled down on the floor next to Louis. He made as if he was about to cross his legs but then pulled his feet in towards him instead, elbows resting on his kneecaps as he made himself comfortable. It meant a lot to Louis that he didn’t just try to pick him up. Whenever he went down in public someone would always try and lift him, his petite frame seemingly screamed that he needed taking care of. It was infuriating, not to mention degrading.

“I guess... I guess I’m maybe just used to it? It's like a kneejerk reaction; apologise first, think about it later.” Louis circled his ankle as pins and needles spread from his toes. He pushed himself up to rest on his elbows, his body still flat to the floor as he continued to try and get some feeling back into his legs.

“Please don’t ever apologise for yourself to me, Louis. There is not a single thing about you that you need to be sorry for.” Harry was watching the ankle circling like he’d never seen feet before. A warm blush had started to spread from his chest, climbing up his neck and straining for his cheeks. His fingers absent-mindedly started to pluck weeds from the cracks in the concrete, the pads gently dancing over the leaves before each pull.

“Okay.” Louis whispered. He reached for Clifford’s harness in an attempt to pull himself more upright. When he couldn’t quite manage it, that big hand shot in front of him again, offering its digits as a leverage tool. He tried to concentrate on his need for help, tried not to think about the damage such large hands could do. This was Harry; Harry who had been so kind, Harry who had rushed to help him when he could have ignored him, Harry who made him feel so comfortable. Louis felt the familiar quakes run through his body, using his bones as a conductor to zip from place and place and root deep into him as fear set in.

Harry looked down at Louis and saw the hesitance written all over his beautiful face. His brows knitted together; creases etched into his face as he fought an internal battle Harry knew nothing about.

“I know what might make this easier, how about I just hold my arm out, and you can grab me and use it to pull yourself up? You can go at your own pace then?” He altered his position, tucking his hand back towards his body and holding his arm out flat for Louis to grab onto. “I’ll start on my knees, then when you’re ready, I’ll stand, and you can pull yourself up?” He saw the relief wash over Louis’ face and quickly added no touching to his internal list of how to make him comfortable.

 

Getting Louis off the ground had been an experience. They had both huffed and puffed, Clifford looking on as protector, and tried their best to make it a smooth transition. There was a moment when Harry thought they were both heading for the bush at the side of the door; Louis overbalanced, his body slamming down hard and sending Harry sprawling flat on his back. He had leapt back like he had been burned, pushing himself away with two hands planted firmly on Harry’s chest. He could still feel the imprint of those delicate hands, pulsing through his skin as though he had been branded. A moment of awkwardness descended when they both finally clambered to their feet. Louis’ legs knocked together, and he leaned against his doorframe, obviously still shaken and a little weak.

“Can I help you in?” Harry took a step back, aware that Louis could feel crowded, and lifted an arm to gesture at the front door. “It doesn’t feel right to just leave you.”

“How about you open the door, and you can watch me in and then close the door behind me?” Inviting Harry over the threshold might just be too much today, the physical contact had dragged it out of Louis, the need to wash his hands to try and get rid of the memory overwhelming.

“Sure,” Harry smiled, moving carefully around Louis to push the front door open, the key still dangling from the lock. “Can I bring you something for breakfast? I’m sure I can run to a delivery for my favourite customer.”

His smile was bright and genuine. Louis wanted nothing more than to invite him in, sit with him at his rusted old table in the sun and eat breakfast together, talk about all the amazing things they had seen and done, maybe flirt a little, laugh together. But that wasn’t who he was anymore and the devil in his brain whispered loudly that he was asking for trouble, that he was bringing all of this on himself. He wanted to trust this remarkable man that vibed nothing but goodness, but he just couldn’t yet.

“No, that’s okay. Maybe I’ll erm, get cleaned up a bit and come over for lunch?”

“Of course, Louis, whatever suits you best.” Although he tried his best to disguise it, disappointment flickered across his features. Harry knew he needed to try and rein that in, he needed to keep the intensity to a minimum or he’d fuck this up for good. But it was so hard not to reach out and grab Louis, to hold him close until all those broken pieces inside of him could knit back together. “See you at lunch,” Harry called over his shoulder, turning to walk back down the path towards Canyon Moon.

“Thank you Harry,” Louis called back. He seemed to remember he was on door duty, jogging back towards where Louis stood in the hall. Always respectful, he kept his feet outside the door, his long torso stretching in to grab the door knocker. The last thing Louis saw as the door closed was that toothy grin. He really wanted to trust this man.

Flopping down into his arm chair, Louis pulled his latest gift onto his lap. It was battered and a bit scuffed, but it seemed to still be in one piece. Whatever was inside felt heavy as it slid down the box and thudded into the bottom. Wrapped in deep purple gift wrap with a golden ribbon twisted around it, he searched for the inevitable brown parcel tag. He found it tucked under the ribbon, tied in place with brown string. Today it read: For when you need a hero.

Louis flattened another shred of the paper and tucked the tag inside. He would take his time later to commemorate this inside of his journal; the paper as a backdrop, tag stuck over the top. He would add the note, glued in in such a way that it could still be unfolded and read and usual he would add a small drawing of whatever the gift was and a description of how it made him feel. It made his journal feel special; it was less of a trudge towards death and more of reminder of why he was alive. It didn’t cure those dark thoughts, but it broke them up when they threatened to overwhelm him.

The lid lifted off the box, the suction creating a low popping sound. Louis gasped at the ornate vintage mirror that nestled inside of it. It was like something from a fairytale; hard to imagine it had never sat in the hands of royalty. The oval head was surrounded in bronze with intricate vines and flowers winding their way around it. Each detail was minute, the result of hours of painstaking work by the craftsmen. They came to a peak at the top, vines and flowers twisted to make a point. The handle was thick and rounded; more vines and flowers weaved down but there, right at the bottom, a fairy Queen. Each detail of her face was preserved in metal, her beauty shining forever. Louis had never seen anything so beautiful, so unique.

The note was taped to the back of the mirror, and when Louis pulled it off, he noticed the added detail of the metal. More fairies, this time dancing in a ring of toadstools, their faces pictures of joy and happiness. The vines that had wound around the frame spilled over onto the back of the mirror, coiling around the outside and threatening to consume the figures that jigged in the centre. He unfolded the note, his mouth open in awe at the beauty of the mirror that he cradled in his lap.

Some people get lost for so long, they forget what it was like to be themselves. Find yourself again

Louis coiled in on himself, mirror clutched to his chest, and allowed the sobs to wrack his small frame. His breath hitched and cracked, tears running in streams over his soft cheeks, slipping between his lips until he tasted salt. He cried for who he used to be; that positive fool who thought he was untouchable. He cried for who he became as he laid in hell, bones broken and skin split, consumed by the agony. And he cried for who he was now, a shell of a human, so exhausted of the effort it took to simply exist, to face the world. He cried until he thought his heart would break, Clifford climbing onto his knee and pressing his weight into him. And when he finished, he slept. The first dreamless sleep he had had in weeks.

♥

Four days later, Louis received the biggest bouquet of flowers he had ever seen. Sunflowers made up the majority of the display, kissed from all sides by tiny white roses. Deep greenery banded it all together, Mother of Pearl spilling over the vase at the base of the stems. Of course, there was the usual brown tag. It simply read: To remind you of the beauty.

The note was tucked inside the blooms, poking out haphazardly where it couldn’t be missed.

Dwell on the beauty of life, watch the stars and see yourself running with them.

That day, Louis made his way to Canyon Moon with a spring in his step. He sang under his breath as he walked; today had been a first for him, listening to the radio as he showered. Normally he would be too afraid of background noise, worried that he would miss the sound of someone breaking in to get him. It had made him feel free, to do something other people find so normal and mundane. Baby steps.

He and Harry had talked at the counter, discussing their music tastes and favourite songs for performing in the shower. It had felt easy and pleasant; Louis still stuttered, still struggled to hold the eye contact but he had participated in an actual conversation that was in no way related to what he wanted to order or how the food tasted.

And when a small laugh rang out from Louis’ mouth, his head thrown back slightly as he processed the pun he’d just heard, it was the most beautiful music Harry had ever heard.

♥

Louis woke with a start, the gate banging disturbing his sleep. His body froze, ice flying through his veins as he furiously backpedalled into his corner. Clifford was already at the window, his nose dipped under the blind, eyes boring into the darkness. A low growl settled in his throat as he watched the front door.

“Cliff? What is it buddy?” His voice was a whisper, choked by his heart that sat firmly in his throat. “Is someone there Cliff?”

This was Louis’ worst nightmare. Waking in the night, isolated in the darkness, with the threat of immediate danger pulsing through him. Had they finally found him? Were they finally coming to seek revenge after two years?

He listened as footsteps crunched up his path, a clumsy tread that scuffed against the concrete. The still summer night air made sure the sound carried through the security mesh on Louis’ open window. As the steps drew closer, he felt his bladder let go, hot urine soaking through his shorts and seeping into his mattress. Tears of humiliation beaded in the corners of his eyes, spilling over his cheeks with his next blink.

Louis’ body was paralysed, his joints aching and stiff. He couldn’t move. Someone was coming for him, and he had no fight left; he would be sat here in a puddle of his own piss when they burst through the door to finish him off. He just hoped they made it quick.

He heard a scrape as something was put down on the path next to his window; the doorstep! Louis flicked his eyes to the clock, his neck locked in place and refusing to move. 3.50am... too early for the milkman. Unless...could this be his mystery gift giver? It had been five days since he had opened the door to a surprise. Louis watched Clifford carefully; still he pressed his nose against the glass, but the growl was gone, his tail wagging rhythmically from side to side. Was this someone he knew? Relief started to creep into his body slowly with every minute that the front door remained on its hinges and the windows unshattered. It started slowly at his toes, warmth chasing away the chill of fear, movement crawling back in. He hissed in pain as he started to circle his joints, eventually straightening his knees out from the foetal pose he’d adopted.

It was as he was trying to push himself off the bed that Clifford’s back legs began to tap dance in excitement. He knew whoever it was that was outside, Louis needed to get a look. He forced himself to his feet, waddling over to the window. And then he heard the whisper filter through the window.

“Sssshhhh, Cliff. Good boy.” Too low to recognise, it was a distinctly male voice. Could it be his therapist? Why would he be creeping around at stupid o’clock in the morning to leave Louis gifts? The postman? Could it actually be the milkman? He’d always seemed a bit fruity to Louis.

For the first time, the idea of the gifts felt slightly sordid as it occurred to Louis there was a strange man creeping around to leave him gifts. He still felt that thread of excitement, knowing that there was something beautiful waiting on the doorstep for him, but it was tainted, the fear still lingering in the back of his throat. He needed to get to the bottom of this, he needed to know.

 

As soon as the sun was completely up and the shadows were banished, Louis made his way to the doorstep. He had been too afraid to shower, the panic settled in the base of his spine. He’d had given himself the equivalent of a bed bath in the sink, his gifted candle flickering on the shelf beside him as he wiped down his legs and around his groin. His bed sheets were already washed and hanging on the line, all signs of his shame washed away despite it still sitting in his gut like a rock.

Outside the door was a large terracotta plant pot, filled to the brim with soil. On top was a gardening bag; a trowel stuck out of the top; gardening gloves tucked in beside them. In the pockets around the outside colourful packets of seeds nestled; all bright summer blooms with strong smells. A green and blue striped bow wrapped around it, fluttering slightly in the warm morning air. For welcoming new life was scrawled on the tag. Louis reached for the note, wondering what wisdom he would find there today.

Like wildflowers you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people never thought you would

Louis stood still; the note clutched in his hand as he stared into the middle distance. He didn’t know how it felt anymore. Was this really as exciting and romantic as he had wanted it to be? Was it just an example of his stupid broken brain trying to convince him he actually meant something to someone? He needed to know who was doing this, needed to know what their motives were. It was a compulsion, eating away at him.

“Morning Louis,” Harry called, checking the road both ways before he dashed across. “Do you need some help shifting that?” He gestured at the flowerpot that sat right in front of his door.

“Morning Harry. Yeah, actually. Maybe we could just put it to one side for now?” Louis felt his soul warm in Harry’s presence. At least he had him here to distract him. Uncomplicated, kind, a joy to be around.

“No problem, I’ve got it.” He coasted past Louis, making sure not to brush against him. He plucked the pot from the ground like it was nothing, putting it down again where Louis had gestured. “I didn’t know you were a gardener.” He smiled up from underneath his hair, still loose before the start of business. The dark curls shimmered chestnut in the sun, cascading over his face like some kind of God. His face was soft and relaxed, his lips slightly parted as his tongue darted out to moisten them. Louis noticed the way his back curved as he leant right over, hands braced on the edges of the terracotta pot. His tight black t-shirt had started to curl up, the soft dark hairs at the bottom of his spine poking out of the waistband of his Calvin's. Ripped black skinny jeans wrapped around his long legs, the small curve of his bum pronounced as he bent, his apron rolled and stuffed into his back pocket. He was beautiful.

Louis’ mouth had gone dry, he hadn’t felt the familiar twist of attraction for a long time. He wasn’t even sure that’s what this was; it felt so alien that it could literally be anything. Over the last few weeks, they had started to build something that felt like friendship; it was the closest thing for Louis since he left Doncaster to having a friend, anyway. They had chatted over the counter about music and art, about travel and culture, about literature and film. Nothing too personal, that was the rule he had made for them. Maybe that was why he was suddenly looking at Harry this way, maybe the human need to know more, to deepen the connection was finally rearing its head. There was a glimmer of hope, maybe he wasn’t completely dead inside after all. Maybe he had found a reason to get involved in life again. Or maybe it had found him.

“Harry? I erm, I was just thinking that... well only if you’ve got the time obviously, I know you’re busy... I, erm. Jesus Louis, get your shit together!” He smiled over as Harry straightened up, dragging his fingers through the front of his hair and pushing it back from his face. He was still smiling, his eyes locked on Louis.

“Take your time Lou.”

Lou. His heart crested at the pet name, affection warming him from the inside.

“I was wondering if you wanted to have breakfast in the garden with me?” Feeling bold, he made eye contact, allowing a real smile to emerge. Harry was smiling back, dimples popping his cheeks with genuine joy.

“I’d love that.” He replied softly, cheeks flushing and heart soaring.

Notes:

That was a lot in one go! Hope you guys enjoyed it. You can get updates over on Twitter at @loudloudlove
Hope to see you there :)

Chapter 7: The Moment That Changed Everything

Summary:

Louis and Harry have a breakfast date

Notes:

I love this chapter, finally starting to see a connection developing between the boys is beautiful.

Music for this chapter is:

Sam Smith- Fire On Fire
Elvis Presley- Can't Help Falling In Love
Hoobastank- The Reason
Harry Styles- Sweet Creature

Harry walked back to Canyon Moon as quickly as he could without running; his broad smile never left his face as he thought about eating breakfast with Louis somewhere that wasn’t the café. They had reached a certain level of trust that he had doubted would ever be possible and he needed to make sure that he didn’t make a mess of it now.

He stormed through the front door, the old hinges creaking as it swung back and knocked into the coat stand behind it. Niall jumped a mile, his face distorted as he fell back against the cabinet he had just finished filling.

“Jesus fucking Christ! Are you trying to kill me?!” He bent in half and leaned on his knees. “What’s the big rush? I thought you were playing Macho Man with Ed Gein over there?”

“Niall, he wants us to have breakfast together. In his house. Well, in his garden. This is unprecedented, you need to help me!”

“Help you what? He’s probably going to skin you anyway.” Niall started to chuckle, clearly recovered from his ordeal. His smile faded when he saw the desperate look on Harry’s face. “You really have got it bad, haven’t you? First off, sit down. You’re a bit pant-y.”

Harry allowed Niall to direct him to the nearest table. His head rested in his hands; eyes shut as he tried to process exactly what was happening. Behind his eyelids all he could see was Louis. That first timid smile and the way his lips curved into it. His captivating blue eyes when they looked into his. The way his body moved so deliberately with no effort. His laugh that slid into his ears, imprinting on his brain. He knew so little about him beyond his favourite breakfast bun and how he took his coffee. They had had superficial conversations about their likes and dislikes, their favourite books, their music taste. But never anything personal or deep; whenever Harry had geared the conversation that way, he had shut it down politely and changed the subject. So how had he got here?

“I don’t know if I’m excited or terrified,” Harry mumbled against his hands. He lifted his head slowly, his eyes finding Niall who leaned against the table next to his. “I’m going to have to tell him about the gifts, aren’t I?”

“Might be a good idea boss. If this guy really is starting to trust you and come out of his shell a bit, the last thing you need is the bombshell further down the line.”

“But what if I tell him and he stops trusting me anyway? What if I ruin everything we’ve built so far?” He was almost pleading with Niall, desperate to hear what he wanted from his friend.

“Then at least you were honest.”

Harry pushed himself out of the seat and gathered his hair onto the top of his head in a bun. He tied his apron around his waist as he walked into the kitchen, flipping the burners on ready for the breakfast buns. The strip lighting bounced back off the bright white tiles, worsening the stress headache that already throbbed behind his eyes. He could hear Niall’s feet tapping across the tiles behind him.

“I feel responsible Niall. I’ve coaxed him out of his shell, pushed his boundaries and now... now I might be about to knock him even further back. I might have made it worse.”

“Listen, what you’ve done, it came from a good place, y’know? You haven’t got a bad bone in your body, and I think there’s probably some part of Louis that can sense that. Maybe you don’t have to tell him just yet? We could plan a big reveal, ease into gently?”

“He deserves the truth. He’s been through so much, that’s obvious. And because I don’t know what he’s actually dealing with, I don’t know how well the truth is going to go.”

“Okay, so hear me out. Why don’t you go to this breakfast, sound out the situation and then decide from there how best to handle it? If you don’t know what you’re dealing with you’re putting both of you in a shitty position if you go in there all guns blazing and pouring your heart out.”

Harry considered what Niall was saying. He was always honest to a fault; it had been his express intention from the day he started these gifts to tell Louis one day that he was responsible. It was stupid of him to presume that when that day came around, he’d have all the tools to deal with it. And it was stupid of him to be arrogant enough to think that would make a difference. Louis was something special; he was wounded by the world but still held onto a kind heart, no matter how guarded it was. That was rare and Harry didn’t want to be the one to break that heart or to smash what little trust he still held on to.

“You’re right. I need to get a better grip on this before I blurt everything out to make myself feel better. Above all, Louis needs protecting.”

“We can talk it all through later if you like? Maybe grab a pint after work?” Niall’s hand fell onto Harry’s shoulder, giving reassuring squeezes. “I’ll give Liam a call, ask if he can do us a solid for today. Then you can take your time.”

“Thanks mate.” Harry started to prepare their breakfast. The sausages sizzled as soon as they touched the red-hot grill, the familiar sound making his heart rate spike. “Tell him I’ll pay him double if he can stay the full day, I don’t know whether I’ll be in the mood for anything other than hiding in the office when I get back.”

“Hey, none of that. Go and have fun! Get to know this guy, see if this is a two-way obsession or if we just need to get you committed ASAP. Hang on a minute, have you even asked if he’s into guys?” Amusement teased Niall’s features, a cheeky grin climbing his cheeks and making his eyes sparkle. He barked out his trademark loud laugh, the Irish chortle he called it, and slapped Harry across the back.

“He mentioned an ex-boyfriend in passing when we were talking about travelling. Don’t think he even realised he’d done it to be honest, but I certainly did.” They laughed together, the comic relief lifting the mood that had settled around Harry. He needed to relax a bit, leave the black fog here and be his usual positive self for breakfast with Louis. They would cross the bridge of anonymous gifts when they got to it.

 

Louis paced the flat. He’d straightened the sofa cushions so many times that there wasn’t a crease in sight. The washing had been stuffed into a basket and hidden under the stairs. Clifford’s toys had been reorganised and put back into their box, although he was slowly undoing that one, grumbling like an old man as he carried each one back to its ‘spot’ around the flat. On his umpteenth circuit around the small space, Louis decided to pull the bedroom door shut tight. Although it probably hadn’t even crossed Harry’s mind, he needed to remove any idea that this was a sex invite. He was being so stupid; the man was a God, and it was highly doubtful that he would be thinking about sex with Louis; the chicken shit, skinny man child that haunted his bakery like a bad smell.

He tried to dispel the negative thoughts but the harder he tried to be positive, the more the thoughts swirled in a never-ending hurricane around his mind. What if he thinks you’re weird? What if he can smell where you pissed yourself this morning? What if he tries to hurt you? What if he knows who you are, and this is an elaborate plan to draw you out? What if he’s drugged your breakfast? What if he’s over there right now making fun of you? What if he tells all the customers you’re obsessed with him? What if you have a panic attack when he gets here?

On and on and on...

Anxiety overrode him and without thinking he reached for his phone to call his mum; she was his safe space when the thoughts were overwhelming, and his head was ready to explode. She could calm him down from his most irrational moods, her Northern lilt a welcome break from the barrage of Southern accents he encountered in London.

“Baby! Am I happy or sad that you’re calling?” Jay’s face appeared on his phone, a towel turban wrapped around wet hair and half a face of make up on.

“Sorry mum, I know you’re getting ready for work but I’m having one of my bad ones and I just needed to hear your voice.” His fingers slid into his mouth and his teeth clamped around the already shredded skin. Finding a loose piece, he tugged hard, ripping down the side of his nail and drawing blood.

“Well, that’s fine, we can work with that. As long as you don’t mind watching me sort my face out. Now spill!” Calm and unaffected, Jay went back to her make up, her mouth falling open as she applied her mascara. To many, her words would seem callous, but Louis knew that this was the best way for his mum to get him to calm down. He despised being babied or pitied; it made him feel weak and incapable. Jay’s insides would be twisting right now, the worry almost too much to bear. But she put a brave face on and pretended she was fine with watching her oldest baby fall apart at the seams.

“So, I kinda made a friend. Harry and I...”

“HOLD THE PHONE! Harry?! Like a man Harry?! Like boyfriend material Harry?!” Jay was suddenly very interested, her gentle ribbing sending homesickness into Louis’ heart.

“I’m not sure it’s like that mum,” he laughed. “He’s just a cool guy I met at the bakery over the road.”

“You being ‘not sure’ is better than a ‘no’. Is he fit?” Make-up forgotten, Jay sat with her mascara wand in hand, the towel slipping down her forehead. She’d always been useless at keeping them tight enough, that was why it was Louis’ job to wrap it for her when he was home.

“He’s...he’s actually kind of beautiful. Tall, dark, green eyes. Long curly hair that he puts up in a bun, lots of tattoos. He’s really well read, and he’s done a bunch of travelling like me. His taste in music is questionable but he can sing really well, and Clifford loves him! He’s all skinny jeans and black t-shirts but he’s really smiley and really positive all the time. It’s kind of infectious actually and...what? What is it?” Louis broke off as his mum shook with laughter behind the screen.

“That was a lot of ‘really’ Lou. Sounds like you might have a bit of a crush.”

He let out a deep sigh, his head bobbing lower but the smile never leaving his mouth. “That’s what scares me mum. He’s gone to get us some breakfast and then he’s coming here, and we’ll be alone and... I haven’t told him anything about me. He’s so considerate of my feelings, like he can sense what I need from him, but he doesn’t really know. And he’s going to run a mile when he finds out what I...”

“Louis? Stop baby. Take a breath before we even go there. You are not made up of what happened to you, okay? You are so much more than that. You have a story, a past. It’s not who you are and it’s not what you’re destined to be.”

With a weak smile, he looked back to his mum and saw tears glistening in her eyes. She might be strong, but she wasn’t made of stone. And reliving the nightmare that he’d been through, was still going through albeit differently, was always going to break that wall down inside of her.

“Listen,” she continued. “I say, trust your gut. You’ve obviously spent some time getting to know this guy. And I’m presuming you invited him over? So enjoy it. Take it at your pace, only tell him what you want to tell him and just see what happens. I’m at the end of the phone if you ever, ever need me. Always my darling.”

“I know mum, I think I just needed to hear it from you.” Behind him, the doorbell buzzed. He was here.

“Sounds like your guest is here baby. Go on, enjoy it! Send me your location and let me know when it’s done, and I’ll give you a call. Love love love love love love!” She started to blow kisses down the camera, her smiley face freezing for a split second as she ended the call.

Louis made his way down the hall, muttering to himself and shaking out his wrists. He took hold of the Yale and let out two deep breaths before pulling it open.

“TA-DAH!” Harry stood on his doorstep, a tea trolley at his side that was all laid out for breakfast. It looked like he’d brought half of Canyon Moon over here with him.

“Oh my God, what is this?!” Louis laughed, his hand settling over his stomach.

“It’s sausage and egg breakfast rolls, pain au chocolat, croissants with a selection of butter and jam, fresh fruit salad, cupcakes and a large selection of coffees. I didn’t know what you wanted so I just brought everything.” Harry’s eye sparkled so bright they almost ‘pinged’ like a cartoon character; his mouth was open in the biggest smile Louis had ever seen, his dimples so deep he wanted to stick a finger in them. He was adorable, so cute and enthusiastic about his breakfast tray.

“You’d better come in then, hostess with the mostest!” Louis stepped back to let Harry through with his trolley. Another laugh erupted when he bent over and picked up the whole trolley like it weighed nothing, lifting it into the hallway and slipping out of his shoes without dropping a single crumb. The sound was alien, even to Louis himself. It had been years since he’d laughed like that, maybe even before his life went wrong. He hadn’t been around anyone that made him feel like that. Until now.

“Wow! Your laugh is... wow. You should do that more often.” Harry looked genuinely awed and Louis felt the blush rise in his cheeks, unnecessary embarrassment from the compliment making him giddy.

“You didn’t need to take your shoes off, we’ll be back outside in a minute.” It was safer to change the subject than venture down the cute, awkward silence road just yet. That was the kind of thing that got you into trouble.

“Hey, I was raised by a Northern mum who did not tolerate shoes on the carpet. Plus, I really like sitting in the grass in my bare feet. So, jump scare alert, I will be taking my socks off.”

“You really are one of a kind, aren’t you Harry?” He didn’t answer, just carried on grinning and shrugged his shoulders. Louis raised an arm towards the kitchen, gesturing through to the garden.

 

One thing Louis had learned, time flew in Harry’s presence. Two hours after he arrived, they were still sitting in the garden, breakfast long since eaten and the coffee long since cold. Harry had perched on the tiny metal chair with his legs crossed underneath him; it looked unnatural, such a big man on such a small surface. He tilted dangerously with every story he told, the legs of the chair lifting off the grass and threatening to spill him onto the ground. Every erratic gesture got a little bigger, his voice a little louder as he filled the garden with joy and excitement. Louis had started the morning sat prim and proper, his legs under the table and his chair tucked in tight. But as they had talked, as they had basked in each other’s stories he had moved onto the grass. Laid on his side with the blades tickling his face, he rested his head on his arm to look up at the man mountain in front of him. He stretched his body out in the sun like a cat, his ankles knotted together, and feet flexed.

“Don’t you need to get back to the bakery?” he asked lazily as he brought his arm round to check his watch.

“Nope, I’ve got someone in helping Niall for the day. Erm not that I’m saying I’ll be here all day...I can go whenever you want rid of me.” Harry unfolded his legs from the chair to get up. It suddenly sank in that maybe Louis was getting overwhelmed and needed some space.

“Not at all, you can sit yourself back down. I just don’t want to distract you from your work. It’s almost time for a new window, right?”

“Yeah, I’m going to change it over tomorrow. Got great ideas for this next one! I think you’ll get top of the leader board.” He smiled knowingly at Louis; lips tightly pursed as if he was trying not to laugh.

“I might actually take my prize this time if the cupcakes will be anything like those you brought over today. What were they?”

“They’re called Tell Me S’more. I love Grease and I’m not even sorry.” That smile again, reaching down Louis’ throat and twisting his gut. “Chocolate sponge stuffed with marshmallow, vanilla buttercream icing for the swirl, chocolate sauce dribbled over the top to make the peak and then topped off with a Ferrero Rocher. They’re one of my best sellers.”

“No wonder the rate of adult diabetes is rising in London with you in business! Your creations are incredible. Seriously Harry, they’re so inventive.” There was a change in atmosphere that settled over Louis like a blanket. That feeling of stepping into unknown territory, of opening up and heading for new depths. He knew the conversation was steering towards more personal topics and he was waiting for the suffocating claws to reach out and grab him. But they weren’t coming. He found himself enjoying the slight lack of control as they tumbled into the dark together, not knowing what they would find when they reached the bottom.

Harry watched Louis as he tilted his head back towards the sun. He had pulled on a pair of gold-rimmed avaitors while they ate, and they sat high on his nose. The intense blue was hidden by the tinted lenses, but he could still feel the heat of his gaze whenever those eyes settled on his face. Louis looked like an old movie star; all sharp lines and delicate features. Harry tracked down the stretch of his throat, the deep hollow at its base sheening with a thin layer of sweat in the heat, Adam’s apple bobbing with every swallow. One hand came up to a swat at a fly that tried to settle on the exposed skin at the neck of his t-shirt, the beginnings of a tattoo just visible. Louis was in long sleeves again, the brilliant white sitting against the quickly browning skin that was on show. All Harry could see was a work of art; he was the type of person songs were composed about, books were written about, that history was rewritten for. He couldn’t tell Louis that he was the reason for pages and pages of ideas in his journal. That he had designed cupcakes that conveyed how he felt about his eyes, his lips, his movements. That he wrote recipes to describe the warmth that spread inside of him, the feeling of old souls meeting once more. That he couldn’t take an order for any kind of occasion cake without using Louis and the way he had stormed into his life as inspiration. He was every flash of colour, every contrasting taste, every flake of crumbling pastry that Harry had lovingly crafted over the last few weeks. He couldn’t tell Louis that he was falling in love.

“Right, I’m coming down there with you, you’re getting all the good sun!” Harry jumped up from the chair, his need to be closer to Louis overtaking him. He needed to be basking in him, to be drinking him in.

Louis laughed lazily from his place on the grass and his flat stomach undulated under his shirt. A blush crept up Harry’s neck as he crossed the small space between them.

“Be my guest. Although I can’t promise Clifford won’t come and lie on you once you’re down here.”

“I think I’m safe, he’s over there living his best life in the shade.” He looked over to the sleeping dog, his ears still twitching at every sound, always alert and ready to assist his master. “Hey, maybe we could take him to the park this afternoon? Let him have a splash in the river?”

Louis rolled onto his back to make some room for Harry in the best patch of sun. His arms fell to his sides, palms flat on the ground and he brought his feet up, knees bent. He looked like he should be laid on a beach somewhere with someone waiting on him and bringing ice cold cocktails every time he snapped his fingers.

“Yeah, we could do, although I’m far too full to even think about moving just yet.”

Harry laid back slowly, mirroring Louis’ position. He brought one arm over his eyes, cursing himself for not wearing sunglasses on what was shaping up to be the hottest day of the year so far. His skin tingled, a combination of the sun and the close proximity of the angel beside him. The sound of Louis’ slow, relaxed breathing soothed him. There was none of the rasping pants that escaped him in social situations, he was at one with the ground, his body soft and pliant in the summer sun. He remembered that first time they had really spoken, above the usual pleasantries they’d previously shared, and how tense his face had been, his features drawn together in a knot in the middle of his face, his jaw locked and rigid. There was none of that now, the tension leaving with every interaction they had. Louis was a man living in fear and Harry wanted to understand that; he didn’t think any part of him would be worth not knowing. The good, the bad and the ugly.

“Louis? Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if I’m overstepping in any way.”

“Hmmm, sure.” His voice drifted over from somewhere besides Harry.

“Why do you keep yourself so covered up in this heat?” He sensed rather felt Louis stiffen slightly, the relaxed breathing stopping for a beat. “I’m sorry, that was really rude. Ignore me, you don’t have to answer that. You should wear whatever makes you comfort....”

“Harry, it’s okay. I guess I... I have a lot of... I have a lot of scars. Like, a lot. And I’ve always found it easier to just hide them. Less questions get asked that way and less people stare.” His voice was small and guarded, the fear of judgment evident in every word.

“Thank you sharing that with me Lou.” Harry’s heart fell as all the possibilities raced through his mind. An accident? Surgery? Had he hurt himself?

“Thank you for making it so easy to share with you.” Louis’ voice was so quiet that Harry almost didn’t hear it. It was obvious he didn’t do this often; his breathing still slightly ramped.

The two men lay side by side in the grass, almost perfect mirror images of each other as the sun blazed down onto them. The comfortable silence was punctuated with singing birds, the buzz of a lawnmower in the distance and the faint sound of music from another garden a couple of doors away. They didn’t feel any need to fill the space between them with words, they were perfectly content to just be in each other’s company and enjoying a lazy afternoon.

Louis scissored the fingers of his right hand through the grass and let it tickle the web between his fingers. He stayed flat on his back; eyes screwed tightly shut against the sun despite his dark glasses. His palm coursed over the dry earth beneath it, sliding slowly towards Harry’s. His pinkie finger reached him first; the skin-on-skin contact making Louis gasp as a jolt of electricity shot up his arm. It crackled and buzzed through his body, awakening goosebumps and raising the downy hairs. Beside him, he heard Harry catch his breath, their bodies conducting the same electricity through both of them. Louis traced Harry’s finger, so much bigger than his own. He ran up one side and other the tip before sliding down the other and brushing his finger over the prominent knuckle. Harry didn’t try to take his hand, didn’t cover his fingers with his own. He raised his own pinkie slightly, allowing it to circle with Louis’ and mimic the movements. The smaller man felt his breath hitch as the soft pad of a finger tickled its way over his own; he had forgotten that human touch could be so gentle and so intimate. He had only remembered how strong hands could inflict pain, could break bones and bruise skin. Tears fell from his eyes, rolling down over his temples and splashing into the parched ground. Neither of them turned to the other, neither of them said a word. They listened to each other breathing, felt the pulse of their mingling skin and accepted it for what it was; another baby step for their flourishing connection. Their hands slowed and instinctively they linked their pinkies together, their palms still flat on the ground. They stayed that way, bridging the gap between with them with the gentlest touch, both wondering if this was the moment that everything changed.

Notes:

Just a little warning that the difficult stuff will be more prevalent from the next chapter onwards. I will include trigger warnings but I just wanted to say something here too. Hope you guys are still enjoying reading. I'll have another update for you really soon x

Chapter 8: Once In A Lifetime, You Meet A Unicorn

Summary:

Louis and Harry continue to spend time together. Louis starts to open up about his past.

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF RAPE AND VIOLENCE. DO NOT CARRY ON READING IF THIS IS A TOPIC THAT MAY TRIGGER YOU

Okay guys, this was a really hard one to write. I wanted to be able to address Louis' past with sensitivity but also with honesty and I hope that I've managed to do that.

For anyone struggling with anything that Louis' has gone through, please know that you are not alone and that there is help out there. I will be happy to pass on any numbers or contacts for support if anyone needs them.

Songs for this chapter are:

Mungo Jerry- Summertime
Sam Smith- Lay Me Down
Halsey- You Should Be Sad
Rascal Flatts- God Bless The Broken Road

TPWK, always x

Harry and Louis fell into their own routine; breakfast every day in Canyon Moon with the odd long morning in Louis’ garden putting the world to rights. Every afternoon Harry would lock up and wait for two familiar figures to come over the grass towards him. They’d walk to the park, shoulder to shoulder with their hands occasionally brushing, Clifford leading the way with his ball between his jaws and his tail swinging.

Some days, Louis would hang back from the crowds that flocked around them; schoolgirls eating ice cream and looking at boys, office workers pretending they were at a meeting and drinking prosecco from plastic cups, stay at home mums with baby’s strapped to their chests walking laps. He was clearly nervous, his eyes never stilling and his limbs always moving. On those days, Harry would take him to the bridge and lead him gently down the bank; there they could tuck themselves away beneath the ageing wood and watch Clifford splash in the edges of the bubbling water.

They had some of their best chats under that bridge; Harry knew all about Louis’ mum and his siblings, he knew that his dad wasn’t around and hadn’t been for a long time, he knew that Louis was a bartender back in Doncaster and well on his way to a manager’s position, he knew that he had travelled at every opportunity he got and made memories that would last forever. Louis knew that Harry only had one sister and that his parents had divorced when he was young, he knew that he’d always dreamed of being a baker and that he’d almost killed himself to get through culinary school, he knew that Harry loved cats and still sent gifts back home for his childhood pet, he knew that he took his bucket list very seriously and tried to tick off at least two things a year.

Other days Louis was life and soul of their walks; he would chatter incessantly about anything and everything, occasionally grabbing Harry’s forearm to make his point, eyes wide and shining, his mouth always smiling even when he was talking. He would walk around the paths and walled gardens backwards, throwing the ball for Clifford and never missing a beat in the story he was telling. Harry would watch in rapture, his stomach fluttering with butterflies as he hung on every word that tripped off Louis’ tongue, devouring every word.

Today was one of those days; Louis was telling Harry about the worst hostels he’d every stayed in on his travels and taking languid licks of the ice cream they’d bought on the way in. He’d started leaving Clifford’s harness at home on the good days, so the dog knew his trip to the park meant he was off duty. He still walked close, a watchful eye always seeking out his master, but he made the most of the free time; now he ran ahead chasing after a butterfly and letting out small, disgruntled barks.

“Harry? Do you think we could...could we go to the bridge?” Louis had stopped in his tracks, one hand reaching out onto Harry’s chest to hold him in place. His heart flipped at the contact, his chest immediately flaring with heat.

“Oh right, yeah of course.” Harry let out a whistle, Clifford running back immediately. “Can I... do you need me to do anything?”

“No, I’m okay, honestly. I just want to take my cardigan off for a little while, it’s so close out here. But I don’t want anyone to see.”

“I see, well no problem. I can help you down there and then I can stand at the top of the bank ‘til you’re ready.” He smiled at Louis, reassuring and calm. This was a big moment for him; taking off the layers in public was completely out of his comfort zone whether anyone would see or not. He wanted to handle it properly, make it as easy as possible.

“I want to show you Harry.” Time stopped, Louis’ words ringing in his ears. “I think... I think I trust you now.” Louis’ voice came from somewhere in the distance as Harry tried to get his head together. He was elated; knowing that he was trusted with something so important made him feel forty feet tall but the niggle in his brain was getting bigger, the secret he was keeping eating away at him.

They walked in silence to their spot, Harry going down the bank first and holding out his hands to catch Louis if he fell. As they slid into the shade under the boards, Louis let out a long, deep breath. He started to unfasten the cardigan’s buttons, fastened all the way to his neck. As it fell open, Harry saw the deep, red scars on his chest. It slid off his shoulders, slowly dropped down his arms and with every inch more angry marks appeared. Some were ragged and almost purple, others were neatly stitched, the holes where the doctors had pulled the skin together with thread dancing around the outside of them. Louis pulled his hands out and exposed his wrists. Both were ringed with angry red welts, the skin shining where it had healed but it was still obvious what they had once been. Louis had at some point spent a long time tied at the wrists, struggling to get free.

“You can stare a while, I get it. You don’t need to be polite about it.” Louis sat in his vest with his head down. He looked so small and defeated that all Harry wanted to do was bundle him in his arms and hold him to his chest.

“I don’t want to stare Louis. These scars... they’re part of you. And I want to get to know them just like I’m getting to know you. If you’d like to tell me, that is. But if not, we can just carry on with our day while you cool off.” He placed a hand on Louis’ leg, aware that he may not want his bare skin touched. Harry couldn’t care less if he was scarred, it didn’t make the blindest bit of difference. What he cared about was what was going on inside of him.

Louis raised his head to look into Harry’s eyes. He found tears there to match his own; not once did they stray to the marks on his skin or dart away awkwardly. The deep green globes drew Louis in, looking right inside of him and understanding that he was in turmoil. Harry was one of a kind, a gentle giant with a golden heart and fairytale prince good looks. He was sensitive and kind at all the right times, but he could take the lead when the situation commanded it. Louis cleared his throat, his decision made.

“I had this boyfriend...Jack. I met him at the nightclub that I worked at...”

Doncaster, 2018

Louis paraded up and down the bar, hips circling to the beat of the music as he checked out the crowd waiting to be served. The younger staff milled like ants, backwards and forwards to fridges and tills as they churned out the orders as fast as they possibly could. Others knelt on the floor, their knees soaking up spilled beer, filling up the fridges for them to empty just as quickly. Paradise Falls was always crazy on a Saturday night; seemingly the whole town piled in here at some point looking for a temporary fix to their problems. For some people it came in the form of a warm body, others it was the buzz of a few too many cocktails but Louis liked to make sure he had a room full of happy customers.

“Come on gorgeous, move them hips my way. Man’s dying of thirst.” Louis turned towards the voice that called out. A tall, dark-haired man stood at the end of the bar, leaning over and looking up and down the length Louis’ body. His face was split into a wolfish smile, tongue poking out between his teeth.

“I’m not serving tonight I’m afraid sir. You’ll have to find yourself some hips elsewhere.” Louis popped sassily, sticking his bottom out towards the man. He knew it was one of his best assets; there wasn’t a single person he’d dated who had been able to keep their hands, or their mouths, off it.

“Well at least come down here and keep me company while I wait for one of your trained monkeys to notice me.” Louis turned, ready to give the man a piece of his mind. Dark eyes, so dark they were almost black, met his own; they were challenging, goading. This was a man that knew how to press buttons, how to get what he wanted.

Louis let his eyes roam from head to toe. Black hair shaved down to almost nothing, a strong roman nose that had obviously been broken more than once, plump lips turned up into a sneering smile, showing off a row of perfect white teeth. Tattoos snaked up both sides of his neck, appearing from the inside of his buttoned shirt. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, more tattoos covering his muscular forearms. He was actually pretty slight for the amount of muscle that he had; maybe 5ft 10 and slender. Every item of clothing that he wore was sculpted to his body and very obviously expensive. His hands rested on the bar, taking his weight as he leaned over to look at Louis. And then he saw the ring; thick, gleaming gold circling his pinkie, meeting in the middle to form a large shield that covered almost his entire lower finger up the knuckle. In the centre, a dragon being slayed by the grim reaper. He was part of the Donny Boys and judging by his appearance, he was about as close to the top as you could get.

 

After that night he became a regular at Paradise Falls, waiting around the bar to try and distract Louis into talking with him. He would be the first in and the last to leave. It was almost frightening how he would appear from out of the shadows, whispering close to Louis’ ear whenever he got chance. No one dared move him on, even the door staff were terrified. They would walk Louis to his car on a night, see that he got away safely but that was where their involvement ended.

It all came to a head the night he slipped a bundle of £50 notes over the bar; a ‘tip’ he said for his favourite member of staff.

“I have literally never poured you a drink. I don’t even know your name!” Louis pushed the money back over the bar, fear and excitement mixing in his stomach.

“My name’s Jack, Louis. Someone polite would have asked before now.” His fingers circled Louis’ wrist, pulling him over the bar. He brought his mouth close to Louis’ ear, the tip of his tongue grazing his lobe as he whispered. “You’re driving me crazy dancing around back there, making me watch you. You know exactly what you’re doing to me.”

Louis pulled his arm away and rubbed his wrist, bruises already starting to form. He knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t deny the lust that stirred in his groin whenever their eyes met. He had been purposefully winding his hips, grinding up and down as he counted the tills or cash lifted the notes. He could always feel that dark stare burning into his skin, undressing him mentally. Fuck it, you only live once.

“Well then Jack, how about I let you take me out as way of an apology?” It was the worst mistake Louis ever made.

 

The following weeks were intense. Jack whisked him on endless romantic and extravagant dates. He organised weekend trips to Paris, Milan, Barcelona, Rome. They drank champagne like water, a seemingly endless supply appearing whenever they drained another bottle. Rarely did a day pass without some sort of gift being delivered to Louis’ house jewellery, clothes, aftershave. Nothing but the best would do for Jack’s boy. And the sex... it was wild. Jack was insatiable, a true animal when it came down to it. He was an obvious top, that wasn’t even up for discussion. He liked to go rough and hard, holding him down and biting at his shoulders and neck. In the beginning, Louis was swept up in the passion. It was exciting having someone who couldn’t bear to not be touching him, someone who was so overcome with desire for him that he couldn’t control himself. But after a while, it started to feel seedy. Louis loved sex, he loved to be ravished and devoured, to be worshipped. He loved the high that came from crashing orgasms that left you shaking for hours. But he also craved intimacy and romance. After a hard day he wanted someone to hold him and make love to him, to look into his eyes and tell him that they loved him.

The first time Jack raped him they had been together for 6 months. He had arrived at Paradise Falls as Louis was locking up, his knuckles scuffed and bleeding and a black eye forming. It had been a dreadful night in the bar; Louis was missing £600 from the tills, two staff members had walked out after they were dragged into a brawl and the police had been called before midnight.

“Where were you tonight, Jack?” He was feeling neglected and needy; so, used to his boyfriend being there all the time that he felt like he couldn’t function without his presence. “You can’t just send Joe to sit in the corner watching me when you can’t be bothered to show your face.”

“I had something to sort out Louis. Something important. You like our lifestyle, right? Then I have to work if you want it to stay this way.”

Louis could see the glint in his eye, the glint that usually meant he had some rage to take out on an unsuspecting piece of furniture. It wasn’t worth pushing it, not if he wanted to enjoy the rest of their night together.

“Let’s just go home, Jack. I need a shower, wash the stench of this place off me.” He took his boyfriend’s hand, walking with him to the curb where the driver kept the car running.

“There’s a good boy Loulou. Always such a good boy.” His hand gripped the back of Louis’ neck, pulling him in hard for a kiss, their teeth knocking together as Jack forced his tongue inside Louis’ mouth. There was no love there, just anger. But Louis rode it out, knowing it was easier than turning him down.

Back at the flat, Louis slipped out of his clothes and straight into the double shower. The powerful wall jets pounded his sore muscles from all angles, the waterfall head above him tumbling spray onto his hair and running over his face. He rubbed the back of his neck; he could still feel Jack’s grip from outside the club. More bruises. He felt the breeze as the door opened and his boyfriend slipped in behind him. Strong arms snaked around his waist, and he allowed himself to be pulled tight to the muscular body behind him. Louis melted into the hold, his head falling back onto Jack’s shoulder, kisses peppering his exposed throat.

“God am I glad you’re home baby. I need you to take care of me tonight. I need you to be such a good boy.” The kisses turned to hard sucks, Louis’ skin tingling as the blood vessels broke to leave love bites. A sign that he belonged to Jack, that he was owned by the Donny Boys.

“Aren’t I always good for you?” Louis teased, pushing himself back and relishing in the hiss he pulled from Jack’s lips as his erection pressed hard against his soft cheeks.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard, right here in the shower.” Jack grabbed hold of Louis’ hair, thrusting against him and breeching the gap between his cheeks.

“Let’s go to bed baby. I want you to look into my eyes when I lose it.” Louis whispered, tears in his eyes from a combination of pain and excitement. “I want you to see my face.”

Jack’s whole body stiffened, his grip on Louis’ hair tightening.

“Did you just say fucking no to me? Did you actually just tell me fucking no?!” Louis stomach flipped, recognising the change in his boyfriend’s tone.

“No Jack, of course I didn’t. I just thought we could make it special. Try something a little bit different.” He was panicking, the pain in his scalp almost unbearable. He couldn’t see Jack’s eyes, but he knew exactly how they would look; pupils so blown that the whites were nearly invisible, line of sight locked and unmoving. Like an animal.

“HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SAY NO TO ME?! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, YOU LITTLE WHORE. YOU’RE GOOD FOR NOTHING BUT A FUCK!” The sudden bellow made Louis’ ears ring, his head jerking right back as his hair was wrenched downwards. He skidded a little as he was released, struggling to right himself before he went down.

“Jack, please! I didn’t mea...”

“YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO? YOU THINK YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THAT? DON’T MAKE ME FUCKING LAUGH LOUIS.” Jack stood in front of Louis, his body poker straight, his fists clenched by his sides. He was panting, saliva running down his chin as he barked and growled obscenities at Louis.

“Jack, we can fuck in the shower. We can! I just wanted to give you a treat baby.” Louis would do anything to make the shouting stop, to see the rage lift from his boyfriend’s eyes.

“You’re damn fucking right we’ll fuck in the shower. And I don’t need you to tell me that.”

Everything seemed to be in slow motion. He grabbed Louis by the tops of his arms, his fingers cutting into the soft flesh and muscle. Spinning him round, he pushed him into the cold tiled wall, his face pressed up against it so hard he could barely breathe. Louis was frozen, his heart racing in fear. This was different, this was terrifying. His blood was ice as he struggled against the death grip he was in, his lungs aching to take a proper breath. He felt Jack’s leg slip between his own, forcing his legs wide apart.

“You better fucking enjoy this cunt,” Jack hissed in his ear. Louis screwed his eyes shut as the tears started to fall. He had never been so scared in all his life; he wanted to go home to his own bed and his fleecy pyjamas. He wanted to go back to the noisy house where his siblings were bickering over who’s turn it was to pick the film for family night. He wanted his mum.

A sharp pain cleaved through his body as Jack forced himself inside of him. There was no prep, no lube, just pain. He thrusted angrily as he hissed slurs in Louis’ ears. He felt his legs begin to buckle, his body sliding down the tiles; Jack grabbed his hair again, lifting him up and slamming him back into the wall. He never stopped the assault on Louis, never missed a beat as he held him in place. Louis felt blood trickle from his nose and from his lips where they had been forced against the tiles; it mingled with his tears as he tried his best to forget what was happening to him. The pain was unbearable, he felt like he was burning from the inside as his delicate flesh tore from the brute force.

“Please stop Jack, please stop.” Louis forced out a whisper, fully prepared to beg if it meant this hell would end.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT! YOU FUCKING WANTED THIS REMEMBER?!”

Louis wailed, the noise catching and gurgling in his throat. This was it, there was no escape. Jack’s thrusting became harder and faster, fresh waves of pain coursing through him. The poisonous hisses turned to grunts as he reached his climax, his grip on Louis loosening.

He felt himself tumble to the ground, his legs incapable of holding him up. He curled into a ball, his face next to the drain on the shower floor; he watched his blood mix with the water and circle away down into the pipes. His body was on fire from the inside out, a mix of physical and emotional damage.

Jack stepped under the shower briefly, rinsing himself clean of the blood and fluids that coated him. He looked down at Louis, broken and battered on the floor and smiled, that same wolfish grin he’d given all those months ago on the first night they met.

“Good boy Louis.” He said nothing more, just stepped over the boyfriend he had broken and left the room.

 

Louis hadn’t realised he was shaking until he felt the warmth of Clifford climbing into his lap. Harry’s hand was still on his leg, his fingers tightened around his thigh. This was the first time he had spoken about Jack to anyone that wasn’t his therapist or a police officer; he hadn’t even been able to tell his mum the details, although she’d heard it all in court. He turned his head to look at Harry; his face was wet with tears that dripped off his chin, although he made no attempt to stop them. His lips were pressed tightly together, the edges bloodless as he sucked them between his teeth. His eyes had never left Louis, they gazed at his face, heartbreak behind them.

“Please don’t pity me, Harry. I couldn’t bear it.” Louis put his own hand over Harry’s, the grip immediately softening as their fingers linked together.

“I don’t pity you, Louis. I admire you. Even more now than I ever have.” He searched Harry’s face for any sign of a lie, but he found none. This remarkable man actually did admire him, he truly did believe he was worth something.

“Will you walk me home?” Louis needed his comforts, his security. And he needed Harry.

Harry clambered to his feet, brushing his tears away with the back of his hands and taking some deep breaths. He held out a hand to Louis, pulling him to his feet so they stood face to face in the gloomy shadow of the bridge, their hands still clasped together.

“Let’s go, Lou. Let’s get you home.” He didn’t let go of Louis’ hand the entire way back to the flat. Their palms cupped together like children in the playground, Harry’s thumb tracing up and down Louis’. They both needed the comfort the other could bring. They both needed to know that the world was not completely filled with monsters, that once in a lifetime you could meet a unicorn.

Notes:

I hope everyone is okay after that, I know it's a lot to deal with. We will take more of a look at Louis' past in the coming chapters however I will not be going into that kind of detail about SA again as I don't feel it's needed. It will be referenced but not in detail like this chapter.

Chapter 9: You Made Me Feel

Summary:

Harry discovers Louis' plan and his whole world changes

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCES TO SUICIDE AND MENTAL ANGUISH. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ IF THIS COULD POTENTIALLY TRIGGER YOU

This is a short chapter to bridge us from one half of the story to the other. I didn't want to have long, intense chapters so I thought this was the best way to get the story moving without being too overwhelming. There is still a lot of fluff to come so I hope the angst is not too much.

Songs for this chapter are:

Lana Del Ray- Born To Die
The Rolling Stones- Paint It Black
Johnny Cash- Hurt

If anyone needs any support with things this chapter discusses I have a host of numbers and contacts I can share with you. No one is ever alone, please don't suffer in silence.

Harry held tight to Louis’ hand as they navigated their way through the busy London streets. He hadn’t said a word since they left the park, just tightly clutched Clifford’s lead and allowed himself to be guided towards home. Harry felt sick, his stomach twisted in an impossible knot as he tried and failed to digest the words Louis had spoken. In all his wildest dreams he had never imagined something so savage and brutal being at the heart of Louis’ suffering. He had never imagined that the marks on his body would be so extensive or that they would have been inflicted by hands that were supposed to show him love and tenderness. There was a special place in Hell for the kind of monster Jack was; a leech that attached himself to the purest souls and sucked anything good out of them slowly and thoroughly. He had seen something he wanted in Louis and taken his time to destroy it, finding a sick pleasure in watching the light inside of him die.

The heavy air was tight around them, the threat of a storm hanging over the city. Clouds started to pull in across the sky, a faint rumbling in the distance signalling that thunder was on the way. Harry turned his head to look at Louis and was surprised to see that his face was relaxed, his eyes focussed on the ground. He was waiting with bated breath for him to fall apart, the memories he had relived forcing their way out through his chest. But he seemed calm, accepting of what had happened to him almost. Not happy but relieved to share some of the burden. It was as though by saying the words out loud he had taken some of their power away.

The grumbling sky grew louder, darkness falling over everything as the clouds thickened. People were starting to run, desperate to reach cover before the sky cracked. A fat drop of cool rain splashed onto Harry’s cheek, followed quickly by more. In the blink of an eye the rain sheeted down in front of them, blocking their view and soaking through their clothes onto warm skin. Harry watched as Louis tipped his head back, opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue to catch the drops. He closed his eyes, a small smile finding its way to his mouth as the rain washed away the darkness of his confession under the bridge. Harry startled as a laugh erupted from deep inside Louis; it sounded desperate and almost unhinged, his body reacting to the chaos inside his mind.

“Harry?” he forced out through the laughs; his head still tilted back towards the sky.

“Yes?” Harry didn’t know how to react to this version of his friend, it was outside his area of expertise. He didn’t know if this was the calm before the storm, if he would need to pick up broken pieces of Louis and keep them safe until he was ready to be put back together.

“I know it was you leaving me things on my doorstep. I’ve known for a couple of weeks.” He rolled his head down and looked into the eyes of his secret gift giver. Harry had frozen in place, his eyes wide as he waited for the next words to come out of Louis’ mouth. “Mr Tobias next door has been getting what he calls a ‘ring-a-ding' doorbell, caught you red-handed creeping up the path.”

“Louis, I’m sorry, I was going to tell you I promise...” Bodies weaved around the two men, rushing past to get out of the rain. An umbrella snagged in Harry’s hair, pulling strands out of his bun, but he barely noticed.

“Hey, it’s okay. I get it. I just wanted you to know that you can stop now. And I suppose I just wanted to thank you, for taking the time to make me feel special.” Louis’ hand squeezed Harry’s inside his own as a man with a newspaper over his head jostled them closer together.

“I don’t ever want to stop showing you how special you are.” Thunder boomed loudly as a flash of lightening lit up the sky. The moment was broken, both men jumping out of their skin as Clifford whined behind Louis’ legs. “Come on, let’s run for it!”

They took off together, Clifford running alongside, splashing through puddles and gasping as water dripped down their necks and trickled beneath their clothes. They leapt up curbs and skidded round corners, both of them laughing, their hands still clasped together. They shot up Louis’ garden path, huddling under the cover above the front door as keys were found and shoved into the lock with slippery fingers.

The hallway was quiet and cool, the only sound their ragged breathing and the dripping of water onto the tiles. Harry didn’t know how it was possible, that they’d explored the darkness of Louis’ past together, that they had lived in the horror of those moments and yet now they were alive. Shining eyes and toothy grins as they stood face to face, both soaking wet with their hair plastered to their heads and clothes that clung to their bodies.

“God even my pants are wet,” Louis laughed, pulling his trousers away from his legs between pinched fingers. “Do you have to get going right away? Or do you want some dry clothes?”

“I’ve got some time,” Harry smiled, his body breaking out in goosebumps as his wet clothes cooled rapidly against him. “I’d much rather dry off if it’s not too much trouble?”

“You don’t have to keep being so polite you know,” Louis moved to turn on the lamps dotted around his home. “Just say, “Tomlinson, crack the kettle on and make me a brew!’. You can have a shower if you want, warm up a bit?”

“Your last name is Tomlinson? I didn’t know that.” Harry glanced around the hallway, taking in all the details that made the house a home. All the little things that Louis had chosen to represent his space.

“Yep, that’s me. Louis William Tomlinson, born and bred in Doncaster, England. It’s not very exciting is it.”

“I like it, it suits you. Mine’s Styles. Harry Edward Styles.”

“Fuck me, you sound like a rockstar! How is it that cool people always have cool names? Like it’s predestined that you won’t be a total nerd.” Louis opened a cupboard door, pulling out towels and turning to hand one to Harry.

Harry was frozen in place, his gaze locked on the side table behind the front door. His body was rigid, his spine straight. One hand covered his mouth as tears fell from his wide eyes. He didn’t hear Louis’s words, didn’t even register that he was being spoken to. He couldn’t do anything but stare at the pile of post that waited for attention, the top envelope screaming out to him. His vision started to swim, and his legs shook. He was freezing cold, chills racing through him and making his teeth chatter. He couldn’t be seeing this could he? This couldn’t mean what he thought it meant?

“Harry? What’s the matt....Oh. That.”

He turned to face Louis, his body moving slowly and awkwardly. He took in the man in front of him, so perfectly imperfect in sopping wet clothes, his fringe stuck to his forehead, his striking eyes peering out from underneath it. He chewed at his bottom lip, working at a loose shred of skin that started to bleed almost instantly. His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides; his nerves obvious as he waited for Harry to react to what he’d seen.

“Dignitas, Louis? You... you’ve been in touch with Dignitas? The assisted suicide clinic, Dignitas?”

“Yes. For a little while now. Not long after we started to getting to know each other actually.”

Louis’ words cleaved through Harry like a knife, the pain consuming every inch of him. He slammed his eyes closed against it, desperately trying to escape the reality of what this meant.

“I caused this.” It wasn’t a question for Harry’s, it was a statement, an acknowledgement of what he felt was his part that had played into this horrific development.

“Not like that, Harry please. This isn’t something that you can blame yourself for, it’s totally on me.” Louis crossed the hallway towards Harry, his arms outstretched as though he wanted to hold him.

“You just said this started after you got to know me. How can this not be about that Louis? What did I do?!”

“I don’t know how to explain it, I... I’ve wanted to die for a long time. But I’m too chicken shit to do anything about it, too worried about what could wrong and how much it’ll hurt. This would take all that pressure away; I could go on my own terms... I could go peacefully.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, Louis.” Anger started to build inside of Harry, fighting with the fear and the panic that was already raging. “What did I do that made you think this was your best option? I thought I was helping you.” His voice broke, the lump in his throat making it almost impossible to speak. Harry didn’t want to fall apart like this, he didn’t want to make this about him.

“You made me feel, Harry. You made me realise that fear would always overtake anything good in my life. You made me realise that my heart still wanted to love but that my mind wouldn’t let me. You showed me that there is genuine good in the world but that I still can’t let myself go enough to fully embrace it.” Louis stopped in his tracks, unable to hold Harry even as he shattered in front of his eyes. That was a vulnerability that he couldn’t allow himself yet, if ever.

“I can’t process this. I can’t wrap my head around it. I think I need to go. I can’t... I can’t look at your beautiful face and imagine it not being here. I can’t stand here, knowing what you’re planning and pretending that I’m okay with it.” Harry started to back away from Louis, his hand reaching behind him to find the doorknob. The world had tipped upside down; his thoughts and feelings muddling into one big pile inside of him. He needed the peace of his bakery, to be surrounded by the things he created, the love he had poured out into them.

“Harry, please don’t go! We can talk this through properly.” Louis was falling apart right there in front of him, his face red and wet with tears. “I can’t lose you now, I need you.”

Harry stopped fiddling with the door, his head rested on the cool glass, and he let out a staggered breath. This must be how it felt when your heart broke beyond repair. The desperate internal struggle to fix the mess in front of you, the crushing knowledge that maybe this time it was out of your control.

“You will never lose me Louis. You’ve had me since the very first day that you walked into Canyon Moon. And I only wish I’d realised then so I could have loved you longer.” He opened the door, slipping out of the narrow gap back into the pouring rain. He started to run, his legs pumping hard as he pushed forwards, his lungs pulling in air to try and break the band that constricted them. The bakery was closed, Niall and Liam long since gone.

Harry barged into the empty shop, slamming the door behind him and collapsing against it. He howled and wailed, his hands clutching at his t-shirt and clawing at the skin beneath. There was too much going on inside of him, he needed to get it out, to free himself from it all. He needed to escape his own body, to purge himself of the agony that was slowly suffocating him. His throat was raw, the taste of blood filling his mouth as he continued to scream and curse the world for bringing him everything he needed and then cruelly snatching it out from under him.

“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!” He bellowed, head thrown back and veins popping out of his neck. His face was purple with the effort, his skin mottled and stretched to its limit.

As abruptly as the screaming had started, it stopped. His body exhausted, Harry dropped to the ground, unable to hold himself up any longer. He curled into himself, the floor cold and unforgiving beneath him. He let the sobs overtake him, his whole body wracking and hitching. His world had turned dark, the blackness creeping over him and swallowing the light. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Chapter 10: My Beautiful Boy

Summary:

Harry and Louis talk over the revelations from the night before. Louis opens up more about his past to try and help Harry understand his decision.

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF EXTREME VIOLENCE, KIDNAP, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, DRUG USE & RAPE/NON-CONSENSUAL SEX. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ IF ANY OF THESE TOPICS ARE A POTENTIAL TRIGGER FOR YOU. THANK YOU

I don't have music for this one guys. I'll be honest it was a pretty intense experience, so I just got my head down and got it all out as quickly as I could. It's a heavy one but things will be starting to get fluffier from here on out. Thank you everyone for the lovely comments, the kudos and the bookmarks. It means the world!

Harry didn’t know how long he had laid on the floor. The tears had long since dried and given way to dry sobs that ached in his chest and tore at his throat. His heart was broken into millions of pieces, each of them etched with Louis’ name. A dog barked somewhere in the distance and Harry found himself wondering if it was Clifford; was he trying to attract attention? Did Louis need help? The thought was enough to push him into a sitting position, his bones cracking with the shock of the sudden movement. He clawed his way up to standing, hanging off the doorknob as he tried to get himself moving; his legs pumping uselessly as the feeling returned to them. A dog walker stood on the grass, smoking a cigarette as his dog ran around in circles barking at passing cars. Of course it wasn’t Clifford, he would have run straight over to the bakery to get Harry. He was edge, every pump of his heart screaming Louis’ name.

Blood rushed back to his extremities, pins and needles tingling their way up his numb limbs. Harry’s clothes had dried onto his skin, still barely damp and uncomfortable. He shook himself out, stretching his arms above his head and critiqued his appearance in the mirrored back of the cabinet in front of him. He looked terrible; his eyes were almost swollen shut, the skin around them red and puffy. His cheeks were raw from the salt of his tears and his hair had escaped the bun where it dried into a greasy mop on the top of his head.

He needed to talk this out with someone. Mainly, he needed to talk to Louis, but he couldn’t do that before he got his head together and made sense of his thoughts. He would never understand Louis’ decision, could never bring himself to accept it for what it was. But he could support his friend. The friend who had grown into the love of his life. The friend who could never love him the way he wanted him to.

He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and prayed the rain hadn’t soaked through to the inside. His screen lit up, illuminating his face in the half gloom. He pressed a few buttons, holding the phone to his ear as he waited for the call to connect.

“Niall? Can you hear me?” Wherever he was was loud; Harry could hear music thumping and a woman’s grating laughter as she undoubtedly hung from around Niall’s neck.

“Boss? Yeah, I can hear you. Are you coming to meet me and Liam at the pub or are you too busy smooching?” Niall was half cut, obviously a few pints into his Saturday night. Harry could picture him, stood in the pub with his pale cheeks flaming red, singing loudly whenever a song he liked came on. Girls flocked to Niall, his brunette hair that flicked back from his forehead and those twinkling blue eyes drawing them in, the Irish accent and wild humour making them stay.

“Can you guys come back to the shop? I need a friend.”

“Harry what is it? Did something happen to you?” The noise suddenly vanished, the sound of a heavy door closing behind Niall as he wandered into the beer garden. Harry knew his first thought would be that Louis had hurt him in some way, the trust still wasn’t there for his new friend.

“I’ll explain when you get here. Can you come?”

“Of course, already there. I just need to grab Liam on my way past.”

“Niall, bring a bottle of tequila. It’s going to be a long night.”

 

Niall and Liam made it back to the shop in record time. Granted, the pub was only a few doors away, but usually it was an Olympic effort to get them out once they were sucked in. They sat around Harry’s desk in the office, tequila in the middle and all of them regularly pouring slugs into the takeaway cups they were using in lieu of shot glasses. Harry scratched at a patch of wood where the varnish had started to peel.

“So let me get this right,” Liam said, leaning over to grab the bottle as he talked. “Louis is that regular who started coming in a year or so before I left? The one with the service dog that Niall said looked crazy?”

“Yes.” Harry was bent over the desk, his nose almost touching the top as he brought his hands up to cradle his head.

“And you and him have become friends of some sort because you left one of your rocks on his doorstep?”

“There’s a bit more to it than that, but yes.”

“And now you’ve fallen batshit in love with him and he’s told you about some of his troubled past and how he plans to kill himself?”

“That’s the long and short of it Liam, yeah.” Harry didn’t know why he felt so irritated. Maybe it was hearing it put so plainly, as though it wasn’t earth shattering news. As if all the light in the world wouldn’t go out when Louis was no longer here to fan the flames.

“Fuck a duck, that’s intense.” Liam had been one of the first people Harry had hired when he was finally in a position to pay for some help. In true Northern mum form, he had heard through the Holmes Chapel grapevine, AKA Anne Twist-his very own Northern mum, that the new woman in the village also had a son in London who could use a friend (“He’s not gay Harry so don’t get any ideas!”. They had bonded fondly over their meddling but well-meaning mothers and when Harry discovered Liam needed a job, it seemed natural to bring him into the bakery. He had left just before Christmas last year when his girlfriend had given birth to their first baby. He was a modern man, a stay-at-home dad, but Harry had the feeling he’d come back to work tomorrow if he asked. Worked out well for him really with all the time he’d been spending with Louis.

Niall moved round the desk, perching his bum on the corner next to Harry. He snaked his arm around the boss’ back, wincing at the chill of his slightly damp t-shirt.

“What we need to be thinking about is how you’re going to handle it. Do you just cut ties now? Avoid him when he comes into the bakery? Or do you face it head on?” Always straight to the point, Niall would not court bullshit. He didn’t see the point in skirting round the point to save someone a little bit of discomfort. The way he saw it, they would get here eventually, so why waste time building up to it?

“There’s no way I can cut ties. I promised him he wouldn’t lose me. And to be honest, I couldn’t lose him, not like this. I need to be able to support him through this, even if I don’t agree with his decision.” Harry gulped his cup full of tequila down in one; his stomach lurching as he swallowed the burning liquid.

“Or.... Look maybe I’m overstepping the mark here but, is there no way you could attempt to change his mind? Sweep him off his feet or whatever it is you gay guys do for each other.” Liam shot Niall a look over Harry’s head, warning his friend that he was teetering very close to the line.

“I’d love to change his mind Niall; I want nothing more. But I would need to tell him I was doing it; I couldn’t manipulate him into making a life-changing decision. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Okay so how about, you ask him to let you try and show him why he should stay alive? See if you can change the way he feels about life? Feck me, sorry, I’m spouting shite. I’ve had a few too many.” To really make his point, Niall swallowed the last of his drink and immediately poured another. He was a machine when he started, not stopping ‘til he either couldn’t physically lift the cup to his lips, or until the drink ran out.

“Actually, you might be on to something there Nialler.” Harry’s interest was piqued, the first chink of hope he’d felt since he saw that envelope on Louis’ table daring to glimmer inside of him. “What if I asked him to make a bucket list, and I take charge of helping him tick it off?” He started to rifle through his drawer, his fingertips closing around the soft leather of his journal. He needed to plan, that would calm him. Writing it down and having it there in front of him had always been his go to when he had a dilemma to work through.

“Harry, this is insane. I don’t mean to piss on your bonfire lad, but this isn’t a cheesy film. This is real life we’re talking about here; Louis’ life. You can’t just make these decisions for him.” Liam looked nervous, his eyes following Harry as he paced backwards and forwards, his pen scratching his scalp as he tried to map out a plan.

“Liam, I get it, I really do. But this isn’t just real life... this is the love of my life. Being with him feels like being in a cheesy film. I’ll tell him what I’m doing, I swear. And if he turns me down... then I’ll accept it. I’ll just support him until... until he... until his trip. I need your help, pal.”

Liam looked between Niall and Harry, two eager faces waiting to see if they could count on the third musketeer. He rolled his eyes, knowing that resistance was futile when it came to these two.

“Jesus H. Christ, fine! What do you need me to do?”

“For a start, can you come back to work? I may need a bit of time off.”

 

Harry woke the next morning, thanking God that they were closed on a Sunday. He’d made it home and into the shower, the water warming his skin and chasing the chill out of his bones. But he hadn’t been able to rest; his mind had whirled round and round, trying to guess all the ways today might go. He had text Louis as soon as he’d devised a plan with Niall and Liam; they’d arranged to meet up and chat at Louis’ flat in just short of an hour. Harry had offered to get breakfast on the way, but Louis had said he would have something ready for him getting there.

With a grunt, Harry rolled out of bed, forcing himself to stand immediately so he wasn’t tempted to get back under the covers. He could feel the aftereffects of the alcohol, the late night adding to his misery. He needed to scrub the tequila carpet off his tongue before he threw up.

The outfit he had chosen the night before hung on the outside of the wardrobe door. He was going for comfortable and approachable. Grey jogging bottoms, a white Ramones t-shirt and a black beanie to pull over his curls. He finished the look with his black and white classic Vans and slicked moisturiser over the sun-kissed skin on his face. This was it, no more putting it off. He was ready to face it, needed to face it.

 

Louis opened the door timidly, the panic evident in his eyes. He looked like he’d had as much sleep as Harry- very little. His hair was still damp from the shower; he smelled amazing, his warm skin wafting vanilla towards Harry as he waited to be invited over the doorstep.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Louis had spoken first, breaking the awkward silence that had them staring each other down. “Can I come in?”

“Oh God, sorry. Yes, come on.” He pulled the door wide, a wet nose appearing from behind his legs. Clifford was overjoyed to see Harry as always, his tail batting out a Samba as he waited for attention from his second favourite human.

“Hey Cliff mate,” Harry cupped the dogs face in one big hand, the other carding through the curly fur on the top of his head. “No pupcakes today I’m afraid. It’s my day off.”

Louis leaned against the doorframe of the living room, his arms crossed over his stomach and a fond look creeping over his face. When Harry caught his eye, he gestured into the room, turning without lifting his back off the frame, a soft roll propelling him forward.

“Breakfast will be ready really soon; it’s only ready-to-bake pastries but I didn’t think either of us would have much of an appetite.”

“No, well...”

“Harry, before we start having this conversation. I just... well I need to say how deeply sorry I am. I truly didn’t mean for you to find out about this the way that you did. There is so much more to my story than what I managed to tell you yesterday. It gets worse, a lot worse. And I just want you to hear me out before you judge me, okay?” Louis had sunk into a squashy cream armchair. It had a striped blanket draped over the back that looked handmade, a matching cushion cover sitting behind his back. Harry let himself settle onto the sofa. It was tan leather, obviously not part of the same set but still a perfect match for the chair. The opposing styles and fabric just worked. He curled his feet up underneath him, his toes flicking back and forth with nerves.

“Louis, I don’t judge you, okay? It was... well it was a shock. I reacted badly, I should have stayed here, heard you out. But I’m just so scared. I can’t imagine a life without you in it.” He’d been here 10 minutes and already the tears were building behind his eyes. “I’d be honoured to listen to your story. All I ask is that afterwards, you hear me out too. There’s some things I want to say about our situation.”

“Of course, anything! I guess I’ll just...start then?” Harry nodded at Louis reassuringly, leaning forward to close the gap slightly between their seats. “Well, I wish I could tell you that after that first time, I never let Jack hurt me again...”

 

Doncaster, 2018

Louis hadn’t slept a wink when he finally made it out of the shower that night. He had dried himself silently, wincing as he brushed over the bruises left on his body. He had cleaned the dried blood away from his face, careful not to rub too hard in case he set off the flow again. He had tried his best to soothe the aching between his legs, a cold flannel pressed against his tender flesh as he threw his head to the ceiling and cried soundlessly, the tears stinging his face as they fell hot and hard.

When he eventually found the courage to enter the bedroom, he found carnage. Jack lay naked on top of the covers, a mirror next to him still racked up with lines of cocaine. His gold straw lay next to it, haphazardly thrown as he’d ridden the crest of his high. The room was trashed; the blinds hanging askew, and cushions ripped open, their innards spread across the floor. The photo of them together that had been pride of place on the bedside table had been pulled from the now broken frame, Louis’ face gone, and a cigarette burn in its place. He was horrified; terrified of what would happen if Jack woke up as he tried to climb into bed. He shivered as a draught cut across his skin; a hole had been punched through the window to his right and glass littered the floor. Louis choked back a sob, wondering how his life had come to this.

When the morning came around, Louis made himself look busy in the kitchen, ready to lie through his teeth and say that he had woken early. In reality, he had laid on the sofa all night, reliving the moment everything started to change for him and Jack. His hands shook as he tried to make coffee, making it impossible to get the beans into the grinder without spilling them all over.

“Morning handsome, you’re up early.” Louis stiffened as Jack appeared behind him, his arms around him and his lips stuck straight to his neck.

“Erm... yeah sorry. I couldn’t sleep.” This was the first time Louis dipped his eyes to the floor. It wouldn’t be the last.

“I enjoyed our little role play last night. Never knew you had it in you, Lou.” He continued to kiss around Louis’ neck and shoulders, peeling his dressing gown away from clammy skin. He felt his stomach leap into his throat. Role play? Is that what he was saying it was?

“That wasn’t role play Jack. I... I wasn’t enjoying myself. I asked you to stop.” Louis’ voice was quiet and defeated. His heart slammed against his ribs; he didn’t know this person, this man who would accept abuse and not scream and shout about it. How could that possibly be his voice, so timid and ashamed.

“Are you calling me a fucking rapist, Louis?” The kisses had stopped, Jack’s grip tightening around Louis’ arms. “You better not be calling me a fucking rapist? I am not sick, alright?!”

“No, Jack, no, not at all. I just mean, maybe we got our wires crossed. Maybe I confused you and you thought I wanted it.” Louis’ eyes were pleading, his own hands gripping the worktop so hard that his knuckles were white.

“WHAT SO NOW I'M FUCKING STUPID AS WELL AS A RAPIST?!” Louis didn’t realise what was happening until he was laid on the kitchen floor, a heavy ache in the back of his skull.

Had Jack just hit him? Had he really just knocked him to the ground? His answer came in the form of quick, sharp kick in his ribs. He retched as his organs slammed back into his spine, tucking himself into a ball and rolling away.

“Don’t make me do that again, Louis. I don’t like hurting you.” Jack grabbed an apple from the bowl on the kitchen island and walked straight out of the front door. For the second time in as many days, he left his boyfriend on the floor, watching his retreating back and praying for an escape.

 

That should have been the moment that Louis packed his things and left. But he didn’t. At some point in the last six months, he had changed; he felt worthless and undeserving of any happiness. He didn’t feel like he could survive without Jack, he wasn’t anything without him. Just a waste of space with a crappy bar job and no prospects. He felt as though he’d coasted through life, filling his time with travelling and parties and inappropriate men. He would never be worth anything on his own.

He took multiple beatings over the next seven months. He became an expert at walking without showing he was in pain; finding ways to hold himself straight when his back was stiff and bruised by heavy boots, biting the inside of his mouth so that he didn’t scream when his mum hugged him tight with four broken ribs. Jack rarely marked Louis in places that couldn’t be covered, but when he did, Louis concocted stories of muggings, of work brawls and of clumsy accidents to explain away the black eyes, the fingerprints on his throat or the split lips.

On the nights that Jack was heavy on the coke, Louis came to expect he would be brutalised. He would try to force his mind to leave his body, to go somewhere happy so that he didn’t have to acknowledge the way his body was being used. He became an expert at lying still, at not fighting back or crying out. After the first time, he learned to try and prep himself alone in the bathroom to attempt to stop the agonising pain. He would cry into a towel, muffling the noise as his body rebelled against him and what he was doing. It never completely worked; he would still stiffen when Jack took hold of him, his blood running cold as his tears soaked into the pillow, the sofa, the rug. After a particularly rowdy party, Jack took it a step further than he ever had before. That night Louis had roared aloud, not caring if he was beaten for it, the pain too much to bear. And when it was over, and he was left alone in the bedroom while Jack went back to his friends, an angel came to his aid.

Elsa; Jack’s housekeeper and manager of all the other staff. She had slipped into the room, dropping to her knees beside Louis where he was curled in a ball. She had gasped at the state he had been left in, the shock chattering his teeth and his skin clammy and pale. He was bleeding, badly, a steady stream soaking into the cream carpet. Elsa had wrapped him in the throw from the bottom of the bed, rolling the top half onto his body onto her lap so she could hold him while he wept. His body was a map of bruises and cigarette burns, his organs aching and bruised. Old and new injuries mingled together in various stages of healing. He was a shell of the sassy young man who had walked into that flat a little over a year ago.

“What has he done to you, beautiful boy? What on Earth has he done?” She had cried along with Louis, her tears mixing with his own and pouring over his skin as she cradled him like a baby. She had pulled up his underwear without a word, offering him as much dignity as she could. When the noise had died down in the den, she had helped him to his feet, sneaking him out of the back door and laying him across the back seat of her Mini Cooper. They had sped through the night, rain slicking the roads, as they made their way to Doncaster Royal Infirmary.

She never left his side as he was examined, holding his hand as he cried in pain and humiliation. She was there when his wounds were stitched, when he was x-rayed and scanned for any lasting damage. She hadn’t allowed him to lie. She told the truth, even though her voice shook, and her lip quivered. She had called his mum, explaining the situation Louis had found himself in, saving him from having to break her heart himself.

“I can’t go back now, Louis. I need to get out of Doncaster, head somewhere completely fresh where he wouldn’t think to look. And please, my beautiful boy, you can’t go back either. He will kill you stone dead without blinking. You deserve to be happy my love, not the punching bag for the Donny Boys.”

“He does love me, Elsa. Sometimes I just... just push him a bit too far, that’s all.”

“Louis, that is the biggest load of shit you’ve ever come out with son. Tell me, exactly what did you do tonight that warranted this?!” She gestured at his battered body, wrapped in hospital sheets, a drip snaking into the back of his hand and the cast wrapped around his broken ankle.

“I just...,” Louis sighed, his eyes flicking down to his lap. “I love him. And I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I was nothing until he gave me a chance.”

“You were everything until he gave you a chance. Speak to the police Louis. They can help.”

 

He spent three days in hospital, police officers outside of his room the whole time. He told them everything, his mum at his bedside holding his hand and weeping softly. They tried to get him to talk about Jack’s associations, his business deals. But he had nothing to tell them; he had always been uncomfortable with the ‘gangster’ image his boyfriend had and had turned a blind eye every time he came home bloodied and scuffed or when another one of his workers went off on a ‘long holiday’ and never returned.

Jack was arrested, held and eventually released. He spun a tale of Louis enjoying rough sex, of begging to be beaten and used like some kind of toy. He had fingers in every pie in Doncaster and where there was money, there was always someone willing to be paid off. Louis was taken to a safe house with his mum and his siblings after the threats to their lives became too much to ignore. They had suffered weeks of dog shit through the letterbox, dead animals spread over car windscreens, strangers beckoning to his younger siblings through the school fences. He’d received pictures of his mum leaving work late at night, a shadow just visible behind her as she crossed the carpark. The worst were the hissed voicemails, so obviously Jack, describing in detail everything he was going to do to Louis, how he would make it hurt and then he would go after his family. They were broken up by messages of love, begging Louis to return, promising him a life that was beyond his wildest dreams. Promises to get help, to get anger management, to hand himself in if only Louis didn’t leave him. Blatantly this was a man used to getting what he wanted. After a month in a cramped 3-bedroom house in Manchester, Louis was starting to cave. He had seen the shadows outside; the dark suits and glinting rings that seemed to be watching the safe house. He had seen the glow of cigarettes on the very edges of the darkness that stretched on forever. He knew he had been found and he knew that it was only a matter of time before they found a way past the police and got into the house. Got at his family.

Louis made the decision to pack a bag and sneak out one night while the officer on duty was distracted with a handover. Tiptoeing down the stairs, he edged along the hallway, slipping out into the cold night air and taking off at a run. He walked for a couple of miles before he pulled out his phone and dialled the number that was tattooed onto his brain.

“Jack? I’m ready to come home.”

That first night had been wonderful. Jack had rushed to him in his car and bundled Louis into his arms. He had placed tender kisses all over his face, his fingers gently tracing his skin where the scars he had inflicted were beginning to heal. He had carried him like a bride on her wedding night back to their flat, whispering words of love and devotion into his ears. And he had made love to him for the first time; looking into his eyes and moving gently inside of him. The next morning, he had ordered breakfast in bed from his new housekeeper, indulging Louis with all his favourite foods and champagne.

The first sign that anything was wrong was the dizziness. Louis couldn’t make the room stop spinning, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak clearly. His tongue felt too big for his mouth, his stomach trying to crawl up his throat to escape. When he tried to stand his legs swayed underneath him, no strength in any of his limbs. As he teetered and fell, he couldn’t get his arms out in time to break his fall. He laid on his front, his face turned to the side and pressed into the fluffy rug. Even blinking was an effort, he was so tired. His eyes widened as Jack’s feet appeared in his line of vision, strong legs clad in denim stretching higher than he could see.

“C’mon Louis. Did you really think I’d let you get away with this?” His voice was gravelly and low, terrifying. “Did you really think that you and Elsa could FUCK ME OVER! THAT I WOULDN’T MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT?!”

Louis knew that he was about to die. He’d made his peace with the fact it would probably happen the minute he walked out of the safe house door. He wanted to beg for his family to be spared. For Elsa and her family to be left to live their lives in peace. But the words wouldn’t come, his mouth wouldn’t form the shapes he needed. His eyes were closing, his mind welcoming in the darkness. The last thing he was aware of was the smell of piss as his bladder let go all over the sheepskin rug.

Present Day

“When I woke up, I was chained to a radiator in some shithole bedroom with no carpets and mould growing up the walls. He’d already given me a good kicking while I was unconscious. All the fingers on my left hand were mush and there was boot print bruises on the back of my hand. Both of my nostrils were full of dried blood, one of my eyes was swollen shut. So, I knew he’d done it, but I couldn’t remember a thing. I just woke up in pain.”

Harry hadn’t moved the entire time Louis was talking. Horror distorted his features, his eyes wide and fixed. He couldn’t even cry; the disgust at what happened to Louis running deep inside of him. There was sweat standing on his brow, the occasional bead making its way down his ashen face. He either didn’t notice or he didn’t care. Louis wasn’t sure which. The hand that wasn’t covering Louis’ own was clasped over his mouth, his fingers squeezing his lips together so hard that the skin around them was almost blue.

“I was surprised I’d woken up at all. I thought they would find my body days later in the river somewhere or left in an old warehouse. I knew everybody would be out looking for me, knew that my mum would be going out of her mind. I sat alone for hours chained to that radiator and to be honest, I thought maybe this was all part of the plan. Chain me up somewhere they wouldn’t think to look and leave me to starve to death. But he came back.”

Louis paused to gather his thoughts, the memories slamming back into his brain and crashing over each other to get his attention. Nothing made sense in any kind of linear order, it was just a blur of pain and suffering before he was eventually rescued. He allowed himself time to take a deep breath in, closing his eyes to block out the agony he could see in Harry’s eyes.

“I think it’s easier if I... if I show you.” Louis slid his hand out from underneath Harry’s; they were shaking, sending tremors up his arms and across his shoulders. Slowly he started to undress, his breathing uneven as he prepared to show the very worst of himself to the man who had found his way into his heart, taking root there, but destined to be choked by the weeds of his trauma.

This wasn’t how Harry had imagined he would feel the first time Louis undressed in front of him; it wasn’t desire that burned him up but anger at what had come before. His skin didn’t goosepimple with gentle touch but with cold, hard dread at what he was about to see. His mouth wasn’t dry from anticipation but from fear that once they took this step, Louis would push him away forever.

He stood before him; exposed and vulnerable, shivering despite the warmth of the sun that streamed through the window.

“Let’s start up here. The scars in my eyebrows are from him punching me with rings or with homemade knuckledusters. Same for this one here on my lip; it was split in two down to my chin. There are multiple scars under my hair. Some from being kicked, others from surgery where they had to drain fluid away from my brain.”

Tears finally started to build behind Harry’s eyes as they followed Louis’ fingers to where he pointed. They coursed over his body, his mind trying to conjure images of the atrocities he was hearing while his heart screamed at it to stop, he didn’t want to see it in his mind’s eye.

“These here, on the side of my neck are from a barbecue prong. This one towards the front, that’s from where he knocked me unconscious and then turned the radiator on full heat while I was laid against it. I have these two big ones along my chest, they were done with a knife when he wanted me to tell him where Elsa was. The big one on my shoulder is from surgery, the bone was shattered so I needed a shoulder replacement.” Louis turned to reveal his back and Harry groaned in his throat. It was a mess of criss-crossing scars in a spectrum of red and pink. “These are from being whipped with studded leather. I believe it was broken glass, but I never asked too many questions.” He turned back again and made eye contact with Harry. “Are you okay?”

“I’m...I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Forcing a smile, Harry tried to show that he could be strong, that Louis could rely on his support, no matter how rough it got. He didn’t ever want him to feel that he needed to be ashamed of his story or of the reminders it had left on his skin.

“Thank you.” Louis smiled back, watery eyes sheening in the sun. He sniffed back the tears loudly, shaking his head to try and hold himself together. “This next one is... well it’s a lot Harry.” Louis peeled down the waistband of his boxer briefs, jagged red lines emerging from his trimmed pubic hair.

“The fucking bastard.” Harry wanted to throw up. There, just above Louis’ penis, a crudely carved word, it’s lines obviously deep into the layers of skin. “He carved his name into you?!”

Louis nodded furiously, unable to hold his tears back anymore. “He said that he wanted to bury me with a reminder to everyone, even in the afterlife that I belonged to him. He used a boning knife from the set I had bought him for his birthday, believe it or not.” He let go of the waistband, the elastic pinging back to cover the angry marks. “The same knife made these marks on the backs of my thighs; he would just slice into me; show me the bits he had cut off.” Harry didn’t know how Louis was still talking, how he could say these things out loud like he was discussing the plot of a horror film. How could this be real life? How could these monsters exist in the same world where Harry got excited for Autumn because he loved fireworks, where neighbours looked out for each other, for where children spent their Summer outdoors with their friends making memories.

“You are truly amazing Louis. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.” Harry clutched his chest, not knowing how or what to do with himself as more and more trauma unfolded.

“I just need to finish Harry, is that okay?” Louis waited until Harry nodded before he carried on. The long ones down the front of my shins are surgery too. They were going to amputate both of my legs until my mum kicked up a stink. She’s a force to be reckoned with when it comes to her kids; you’d like her.”

“If she’s anything like you, we’ll get along just fine.”

“She’s exactly like me just... louder, I guess.” Louis’ face shone with a moment of warmth when he thought of his mum. “Right, I... I just need to get through these. The scar on my calf is where my bone came through the skin. My legs were completely pulverised, my healing ankle rebroken too. Turned out he’d jumped on them, took a bat to them and kicked them repeatedly. There was so much bruising it was impossible to tell what colour they were meant to be. The bottom of my feet are all scarred too, but you can’t really tell; he took an electric sander to the soles to try and stop me running. Which was an absolute joke considering my legs were mush and I was chained up but hey, you can’t argue with crazy!”

Harry couldn’t understand how Louis was just listing his horrific injuries so matter-of-factly. His voice was speeding up, a sure sign of nerves, but still he carried on. He was so powerful, so brave. With every new revelation Harry sank further into the dark place inside of him; the place where he could gladly do all these things to the animal who had done them to Louis, the place where he would enjoy it.

“I have a lot of titanium in my body; my legs were almost totally rebuilt. My shoulder. I have plates and pins in my arms. My eye sockets were fractured, my nose broken. A good amount of my teeth are implants. My whole body aches when it’s cold. Sometimes my legs go numb and I can’t stand. I was catatonic for months after; the doctors said it was a trauma response. But that’s not the worst of it Harry. What happens inside my mind is the worst. The night terrors, the flashbacks, the inability to trust or believe in anything good. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw up. I feel anger that I survived, I wanted to die, Harry. I didn’t want to pull through. I was found by a female officer; Anna Wilkes she was called. Twenty-three years old and newly qualified. They had sent her out patrolling the area where I was found because they didn’t believe I would be anywhere close to there, they sent her on a fool’s run. She heard Jack smashing the house up and screaming. Absolutely coked off his tits he was. He’d found a new game for me; he would strangle me until I was almost unconscious and just as I was giving up, he would stop. Let me come back to my senses in a pool of my own piss and he would laugh at me. He was enjoying playing with me. That girl came running in for me, caught him red-handed with his hands around my throat. She didn’t think about herself or her safety, she refused to wait for back-up. Just charged in and started lacing him with her baton. He turned on her of course; left her in a bit of a mess by the time the other officers got there. She was permanently disfigured for saving my life. And I hate her for that every day. Because now, now I have to try and navigate through life with the weight of all this bullshit round my neck. And I have to feel the guilt for what happened to that girl who was prepared to risk everything for some little shit who thought he knew best. Do you know Harry, sometimes I miss Jack. How is that possible?! I pine for him, cry for him. How fucked up must I be that I miss the man who nearly killed me, who threatened my family and friends, who beat a young girl to a pulp because she stopped him killing me. WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I?!”

That was the moment that everything seemed to hit Louis; Harry lurched forward to catch him as his legs buckled from underneath him. He finally understood Louis’ decision; he felt like death was the only way for him to find peace. The only way for him to keep his family safe. He thought that everything would be put back on the right path if he was gone. And although Harry understood, he still knew in his heart that Louis deserved a different kind of peace. He deserved happiness and love, he deserved contentment, a safe space, freedom from the chains of his past. And if he would let him, Harry wanted to help him find all those things, even if it wasn’t in him.

Notes:

Apologies for the fact that my italics don't seem to be working again. I don't know how I'm managing to do it sometimes and others not but hopefully I'll learn the best tricks along the way haha. I've added a PRESENT DAY subheading in to try and clear up what's what in place of the italics.

I hope everyone is okay after that chapter. Please reach out if you're affected by any of this, I can point you in the direction of people who can help if you need them.

TPWK x

Chapter 11: The Dog-Eared Journal

Summary:

Harry runs his idea past Louis as they eat breakfast

Notes:

The story is going to get much more light-hearted (for now) from here on out so we can enjoy some fluff with the boys.

Music for this chapter is:

James Arthur- Can I Be Him?
McFly- You've Got A Friend
Blink 182- Always
Carly Rae Jepsen - Run Away With Me

Louis stayed wrapped in Harry’s strong arms enjoying the heat of the sun on his back as it beamed through the gaps in the blinds. He had swooped in to catch him as he fell, the perfect metaphor for his presence in Louis’ life. His hands were touching bare skin and his fingertips danced up and down his back in soothing patterns. There was no hesitation on Harry’s part; he wasn’t actively trying to avoid the raised scar tissue nor was he trying to aim for it. He was simply doing; just bringing comfort to a friend in need, the scars not important enough to distract him from what he was doing. To Harry, this was just Louis. It was just skin.

As they had tumbled to the floor together, Harry had pulled Louis onto his lap, his legs wrapping around his waist, his arms around his neck. He was clinging to the larger man like a baby chimpanzee, burying his face in the warm crease of his neck and inhaling the scent of his skin. Louis wanted so desperately to be able to love this man in the way he deserved. The feelings were there, impossible to deny and getting stronger with every passing day, but every time his heart skipped a beat his brain leapt in to call it a fool. He couldn’t trust his heart, couldn’t trust his feelings. They had let him down so many times before, had let him be sucked into heartbreak. Where some people would see red flags, Louis saw a carnival.

“Lou? Are you sleeping?” He felt the vibration of Harry’s words on his shoulder where he rested his chin; shivers ran down his spine to meet the fingers that circled there.

“No, just comfy. Shall I get up?” He raised his head, readying himself to get out of Harry’s lap.

“Stay put. I was just going to put you into bed, that’s all. I didn’t want you to be stiff.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Styles.” They both burst into peals of laughter, the relief of tension a welcome distraction. Harry’s palms spread over Louis’ back, tightening to hold him in place as he propelled himself onto his feet with seemingly no effort.

“Jesus, fuck! You are freakishly strong!” Louis clung tighter to the taut body that has lifted him without so much as a grunt.

“You weigh the same as about three dried leaves, Louis. It was like lifting a kitten.” As he lowered Louis to the ground, Harry’s hand instinctively cupped his bum. There was nothing seedy about it, it was the natural placement for him to head for. Louis waited for the twist of panic in his gut, but it didn’t come. That was new. And scary. “I think our breakfast might be cremating in there.” He gestured towards the kitchen with his head, the smell of burning wafting through from the back of the house.

“OH SHIT!” Louis ran for it, knocking into the doorframe in a moment of clumsiness that was completely out of character. Harry wasn’t far behind as he threw the oven door open, thick grey smoking belching out into his face and stinging his eyes. “Sweet Mary mother of God! OW YOU BASTARD!” His hands sprung up to cover his eyes as he danced backwards away from the reach of the smoke.

Harry started to laugh, a deep guffaw that came from his stomach and rumbled out of his mouth. He folded over, his hands clutching his stomach that threatened to split open with the simple joy of the moment. Louis stopped in his tracks, hands slowly lowering from his face as he turned his head to glare playfully at Harry over his shoulder.

“Something funny there?” A smile teased his lips and his tongue poked between his teeth as he tried to stop himself from laughing. “My tragic culinary skills amusing to you?”

“I think they’re definitely done Lou,” Harry continued to laugh, his mouth thrown wide open; Louis could see all of his teeth, right to the back. He gestured to the tray of blackened lumps that had once been pastry, and a fresh wave of hysterical laughter overtook him.

“Alright MASTER BAKER, I get it! I should have left the breakfast to you.”

“Did you just call me a wanker in the form of a pun? A man after my own heart,” Harry fluttered his eyelashes at Louis, clasping his hands together over his chest. Louis already had his heart, he was hook, line and sinker for the broken boy with beautiful soul. And Harry reckoned he knew it.

 

A quick dash to the bakery later, Harry and Louis settled on the living room with their feast spread out between them. There was a new aura of calm that had settled around Louis; a freedom that came from speaking his truth without trying to sugarcoat it or censor it to save someone’s feelings. It was the complete opposite for Harry. He thought that he would be relieved to learn what had caused the man in front of him to get so lost, but it had opened up a completely new chasm inside of him. His mind was flooded with the images of Louis screaming in pain, of him crying for his mother. He wanted to turn back time and get into that bar first, sweep Louis off his feet and give him the kind of life he deserved. One full of happy memories and love, marriage and children. Instead, he was trying to work out how he would cope knowing that their time was short and that sooner or later he was going to have to say goodbye to the man who walked straight into his heart and stole it.

“So, you said that you wanted to talk to me about something too?” Louis licked the crumbs off his fingers, his thumb lingering between his teeth as he looked at Harry. “It’s only fair I listen to you after what I just made you listen to.” He smiled around his thumb, ocean eyes twinkling with mischief.

Harry put down the pain au chocolat he’d be playing with for the last twenty minutes and dashed his hands together. This was going to go one of two ways; Louis would agree, and it would give him something to focus on or, Louis would call him an insensitive prick and never speak to him again. But he had to try.

“Hear me out. I obviously thought about this before I knew the full story. And I want to say that no matter what you decide, I’ll support you. I can’t... I can’t pretend that I’m okay with losing you, and I won’t. But I’ll be here, every step of the way and I won’t judge you even for a second.” He was nervous, his throat catching every few words. The sweat was gathering on the palms of his hands; he wiped them on his jeans, leaving chocolatey smears behind from his fingers.

“Harry... I have decided. I’m doing this.” There was sympathy behind Louis’ words. He looked over fondly, reaching to put a hand on his knee. How had it happened that suddenly he was comforting Harry?

“I know, I know. I just haven’t fully wrapped my head around it yet. I have a proposition. How do you feel, and you can just tell me if I’m being insensitive and I’ll drop it, but how do you feel about letting me fulfil your bucket list? You can think of some things you want to do, and I’ll make them happen! Anything you want, absolutely anything! Just call me Cilla Black!” It was the moment of truth. Harry’s eyes were pleading from the other side of the rug, his desperate need for Louis to say yes apparent from his expression. His knee was jiggling as anticipation mixed with anxiety and swirled around his body.

“I have a bucket list actually. Made it months ago. I guess there’s no harm in letting you take a look.” He stood up and walked out into the hall. Harry heard a drawer open, and Louis came back clutching a dog-eared journal, it’s pages teeming with thoughts and memories. The pages didn’t rest together as they should, a symptom of dried glue that held unforgettable mementoes in place. “Just the bucket list mind! There are things in here you don’t need to see!” Louis laughed, flicking through the pages in search of the right page.

“You can just say you’ve been drawing me naked; I won’t judge.” Harry waggled his eyebrows at Louis’ wide-eyed expression.

“Am I that transparent? Well, I am only human, Harry!” He found the page, crossing the room again to hand the journal over. “And don’t you dare laugh okay. Some of them are a bit... well, let’s just say you’re going to get to experience full second-hand embarrassment today!”

“Oh, shut up, you absolute tool,” Harry laughed. “You’re talking to someone who cries over cheesy romance novels on the regular.” He dropped his eyes to the page, smiling at the doodles around the edges. A twisting vine climbed up one side of the page and curled over the top. There were smiley sunshines, bumblebees and even a little garden gnome in the bottom corner. He added flashes of colour to them all, the page deceptively cheerful for the words it contained.

 

LOUIS’ LIVE LIKE I’M DYING LIST

 

FIND A FOREVER HOME FOR CLIFFORD

GO ON A RETRO BEACH TRIP AND RIDE THE HELTER SKELTER

DANCE IN THE RAIN LIKE NO ONE’S WATCHING

GET SPLENDIDLY DRUNK AND SING KARAOKE IN PUBLIC

SNOG RYAN REYNOLDS (maybe slightly unlikely)

SPEND A FULL DAY EATING JUNK FOOD AND WATCHING MOVIES UNDER A BLANKET

HAVE A REAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS

DRESS UP FANCY AND BALLROOM DANCE WITH A HANDSOME MAN

GO TO DISNEYLAND AND RIDE ALL THE ROLLERCOASTERS

GO SOMEWHERE BEAUTIFUL AND LOOK AT THE STARS

FALL IN LOVE AND WRITE THEM A LOVE LETTER

 

Harry dashed the tears off his cheeks before they could fall onto the page. Such a simple list, and yet, when it was done the world would be a darker place for the loss of Louis’ light.

“Please don’t cry Harry. I can’t bear to see you cry.” Louis slid behind him, bending at the waist to wrap his arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you feel bad. It’s just... this kinda makes it real. All these little things and then you’re gone. And I’m going to help you do them.”

“I’m here ‘til Christmas at least. I need a chance to say a proper goodbye to my family, to leave them with the memory of a Louis that isn’t bolted inside his flat and hiding from the world. They deserve that.”

“You deserve that too. So, 6 months?”

“6 months.”

“Challenge accepted. Not going to lie, the Ryan Reynolds thing might be difficult but I’m sure we could find a willing lookalike.”

Louis laughed, a gentle sob strangling the sound. “We can forget about Ryan if you like, he’s probably a dickhead anyway.”

Harry reached behind him to press a hand to Louis’ soft cheek. He let his fingers trace along the line of his sharp jaw, fluttering over his earlobes before it settled. His eyes fell closed as he tried to commit everything to memory; he wanted to remember every feeling he had, and the way Louis’ body felt as it wrapped around his. He tipped his head back and turned his face towards Louis’ ear.

“I’m going to make you so happy.” The words came out as a whisper, sliding inside of Louis and going straight to his heart. They carried a rush of heat across his chest, warming him from the inside out.

“I know.” The only words Louis could manage. He wanted so badly for things to be different, he wanted to go on these adventures with Harry and use them as anecdotes at every anniversary party they would have. He wanted to throw caution to the wind and press his lips against the plump, pink cushions that were inches away from his neck. He wanted to let Harry in, to open his heart and let himself fall truly, madly, deeply in love. But he was broken, and it wouldn’t be fair. Some people just aren’t meant to have it all and he was one of them. Maybe he could search for Harry in another life and find out exactly just how great they could have been.

“I’m going to get to work on this straight away. I have some ideas.” Harry’s voice was back to its usual positive, upbeat tone. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the list. “There, now I can work on it at home too. I think we should do the movie day first, ease us in gently before we break out the big guns. Tomorrow suit you?”

“Tomorrow’s perfect.” They stayed where they were a while longer, both relishing the moment as their hearts synchronised to the same beat.

Chapter 12: Kiss Me, Harry...

Summary:

Louis and Harry make a start on ticking off the bucket list. Will their feelings get the better of them?

Notes:

We're starting with the domestic, fluffy stuff now and I'm here for it! I won't be ignoring Louis' past, it still has a lot of bearing on the story, but it won't be centre story now.

Music for this chapter is:

Sixpence None The Richer- Kiss Me (obviously)
McFly- The Heart Never Lies
Damien Rice- Cannonball
Lighthouse Family- High

Enjoy <3

Louis woke the next morning to singing birds and sunlight sneaking around the edges of his blinds. His bladder was full and aching low in his stomach; it wasn’t used to waiting this long to be relieved. As he jumped out of bed, Louis marvelled at the length and relative peace of his sleep. He had woken briefly around 2am after Jack had appeared in his dream, begging for his help. But he had been able to banish his face from every corner and go back to sleep. Allowing Harry’s face to flood in in its place and soothe him back into a deep REM.

Clifford followed him along the hall and into the bathroom, curling up his corner while Louis used the toilet and turned the shower on to heat up. He felt displaced, like he was out of his body and watching himself go through the morning routine. It wasn’t unpleasant like previous dissociations; it was just new. There were a lot of things that felt new since the handsome, long-haired baker had come into his life.

 

♥

 

“Harry, what is all this shite?” Niall pushed his way through the bags that Harry had piled into his office when he arrived at the bakery that morning. He’d spent most of the previous evening gathering everything for his and Louis’ movie marathon today, packing it up ready to bring to work.

“It’s for later today. Let’s just say pulling it all onto the tube with me was interesting this morning.” He remembered his struggle to get through the turnstiles, Oyster card between his teeth as he did biceps curls with bags of snacks and movies to try and retrieve it.

“You’re only watching a few films, aren’t you? Why have you got a bag full of dog treats?!”

“I can’t leave Clifford out Niall! He’s part of this experience as well.” Harry smiled at his friend’s disbelieving gape.

“Jaysus. You really are gone for him, aren’t you?” Niall’s voice had softened, an air of disbelief coating his words.

“I thought we’d already established that Niall, y’know, with the near mental breakdown and all?” Harry looked up from the order on his laptop screen. He needed to get a few admin type things done for the bakery this morning. As happy as he was to have Liam back on the team, he didn’t want to leave the lads in the lurch and completely shirk his responsibilities. This bakery was his baby, he needed to treat it kindly, so he had something to throw himself into when he needed the distraction.

“I just thought you were being a sappy shite. Sorry.” Niall’s mouth drew back into a tight, open grimace; his teeth bared and clamped together in awkwardness. “Like when you first met Nick and got pissed and asked him to marry you.”

“Thanks for reminding me,” Harry uttered good-naturedly. Nick was an extremely good friend of his, a DJ for a local radio station with all the charisma of a rock star and geeky good looks. They had met when he came to do promo for Canyon Moon, desperate to get a look at the wonderkid from Manchester who had packed up his life to make his London dream come true. Harry had been enamoured; a mixture of admiration and attraction making him temporarily crazy. It ended embarrassingly when Harry declared his ‘love’ and Nick laughed in his face. They had been firm friends ever since.

“I only wish I’d been around to see it. Although Nick paints a glorious picture.” Niall disappeared back out of the office, chuckling at his own jokes.

Harry noted Nick down in his journal as someone who could possibly help him with this bucket list. Everything on there was pretty simple and easy to achieve, but he didn’t want it to be simple. He wanted to capture every detail, think outside the box. He wanted every second to take Louis’ breath away. He wanted it to be special.

 

♥

 

Louis crossed the grass, Clifford strutting next to him as always. He had been told that he would be dining in Canyon Moon this morning, courtesy of Harry, so that the flat could be prepared for their movie day. He wasn’t sure exactly what needed preparing, they were just going to be sitting on the sofa right? Then again, who was he to turn down a free breakfast? And it might be kind of fun to get to know Niall a little bit, even if he did give Louis psycho vibes.

He pushed the old, heavy door open, the bell tinkling and signalling his arrival. Harry appeared from out the back, smiling bashfully over at Louis. It was like a sucker punch to his gut; those beautiful eyes staring into his own, still heavy from lack of sleep. His long hair was loose from its usual bun, undulating down in shiny curls to rest just below his shoulders. Dark red lips curved into a smile; one side of the bottom lip pulled between his teeth.

“Hey,” Louis spoke on an exhaling breath, trying to keep his mouth from falling open as Harry sashayed through the tables towards him, his hips rolling as he avoided each piece of furniture.

“Hey,” he replied quietly, his hand coming up to briefly brush down Louis’ forearm. “Hey Cliff! He’s dragged you out partying again I see, big lad.” Cliff sat down expectantly, waiting for his breakfast. “Go and pick a seat, I’ll introduce Niall and Liam properly before I head over to yours.”

“One key, as promised.” Louis held out his front door keys, a frisson of excitement zipping through him as Harry’s hand brushed his own. What was this? Sure, the attraction was nothing new, the feelings that lurked beneath the surface. But this high charged excitement was new. And it was unnerving.

“Brilliant! Prepare for the laziest day of your life!” He chuckled, using his head to signal Liam and Niall over to where Louis was sitting down. “Bring them coffees over lads, I’ll have one with you before I head out.”

“I’m nervous Harry,” Louis whispered, pulling his long sleeves down over his hands before he pulled out his chair.

“Hey, look, if by the time we’ve drank our coffees you’re still not comfortable, you don’t have to stay. I can always lock you in the garden while I do my thing.” Harry had brought his head close to Louis, their foreheads almost touching. He could kiss him with so little effort, one small push forward and that would be it. He realised he was staring at Harry’s mouth, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. When Louis looked up, Harry was still staring at his face, a distant sad look behind his eyes. Okay, so he had been knew.

“Sorry for staring,” Louis laughed as he spoke, squeezing his eyes shut for a second in embarrassment. “I just got a bit distracted by your mouth. Oh my God, what am I saying?!”

“Stare away. I’m a big boy, I can take it.” A seductive smile crept across Harry’s features. Was he flirting? Louis needed to reroute this conversation, as much as he was enjoying the burn of Harry’s gaze, it was dangerous territory.

Niall and Liam came to the rescue, pulling out their chairs with a loud scrape and putting a tray of coffees and cinnamon swirls down between them all.

“Shall we address the elephant in the room?” Louis looked around the table, his gut clenching with nerves. “I’m guessing we’re all aware of the situation?”

Liam and Niall looked at each other, panic written all over their faces, and then flicked their eyes back to Harry. Harry shook his head, smiling slightly and turned to Louis.

“Yes, they know, Lou. Not all the details, but they have the basic outline. Liam has come back to work for a while to help while we get through your list.” Harry gestured to his friend.

Louis looked over Liam; a shaved head on top of a handsome, but almost childlike, face. Big pouty lips and soulful brown eyes that looked like they might start leaking at a minute's notice. He was broad across his chest and shoulders, his arms adorned with tattoos that disappeared into the tight bands of his t-shirt. Just like Harry, he should have looked threatening, but something stopped it. A tenderness that sat on his surface, a sensitivity that wasn’t often seen in men of their age. Where did Harry find these people? Was there some sort of group? Liam half-stood, reaching over the table with his arm outstretched.

“It’s a pleasure Louis, Harry’s always saying such nice things about you,” Liam seemed to remember himself, his face transforming with a toothy smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Louis smiled nervously, peeking up from under his eyelashes.

“And I’m Niall, just the local Irish fecker who runs on whiskey and sarcasm.” Niall let out one his chuckles, leaning over with his hand outstretched like Liam had just seconds before.

“I know who you are Niall,” Louis laughed. “Although I’m not going to lie, I’m 99% sure there’s something wrong with you; you’ve got that glint in your eyes that says, ‘I’m going to make a belt out of your spine’.” The joke worked; Niall flopped back into his seat, howling with laughter. The gamble had paid off.

“That’s so strange Louis mate, cos I’ve always said the same about you. Birds of a feather flock together!” Niall continued to laugh loudly, his hand slamming down on the table making the coffee jump out of their cups.

Harry and Liam looked at each other bemusedly; this was unexpected. Louis smiled at Niall across the table as he continued to honk with laughter.

“I like him Haz, I think we just became best friends.” The table was in chaos; Niall in fits of hysterics, Liam cursing him and cleaning up the spilled coffee. And over it all, Harry and Louis found each other’s stares, their happiness reflected in each other’s faces, their smiles mirroring as they got ready to start the next part of their unconventional journey.

♥

Harry moved around Louis’ apartment, a sense of unease still lingering. It felt strange to be here without the sound of claws scrabbling after him or Louis cursing in the kitchen. When he had left Canyon Moon, Niall and Louis had banded together to mock Liam for making some ridiculous comment about coffee beans coming from inside fruit (think apple seeds); it would seem that despite their supposed vibes of each other there was actually a pretty beautiful friendship to be born. Louis had spent so long hiding himself away from human interaction for fear that he wasn’t worthy of anyone’s time and watching him emerge from his self-spun cocoon was like a drug for Harry. The way his face crinkled in mischief before he made a joke, his fingers still threading through his sleeves and clutching at the seams inside his jumper, that anxiety never quite gone. The look on his friends’ faces as they listened to him talk, basked in his stories of travel and partying that felt like another life; they were enraptured just like Harry. His unwavering belief that love really did make the world go round had never been more solid than it was right now, despite the horrifying situation it had taken to make this happen. He wasn’t naïve, he knew that if it wasn’t for the decision Louis had made about ending his life, he probably would never have been so keen to sit down with his friends and make nice. There was a certain freedom that came from knowing it didn’t matter what happened, you wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences for much longer. The promise of death was making Louis brave.

He stepped back and looked around at his handy work, checking his watch. The living room was transformed. Harry had pushed all the furniture from the back wall to the other side of the room, leaving the big wall bare. There was a white sheet pinned tight there now, a projector behind the sofa that sat awkwardly in its new home. If they were watching movies, they were watching them right! He had covered the coffee table in snacks; a mirror image with two big bowls of popcorn, jelly sweets and homemade chocolates in a little personalised cardboard trinket box. There were cans of pop chilling in the fridge and a bottle of wine in case he fancied a drink later. Niall was under strict instruction to not let Louis leave without two gourmet hot chocolates to set the day off right. The blinds were closed, a fairy light canopy strung up to drape behind them and bring a cosy glow to the room. Harry had tried to pay attention to every detail; despite the warmth outside, he had set the tumble dryer away with the new matching sweats and long-sleeved t-shirts he’d bought on his way home yesterday and left fluffy socks on the sofa arm.

Harry’s phone buzzed in his pocket; pulling it out he saw Liam’s name, a signal to let him know Louis was about to leave. He was so nervous, the worry that he’d gone over the top and that Louis would hate every minute of it. It was hard to believe they were still just getting to know each other. The strength of their connection was deceiving, sometimes people never understood each other this way even when they had known each other for years. It was organic and unprecedented, true serendipity that of all the bakeries in all of London, Louis had walked into his. That he had chosen that particular shop, despite being encouraged by everyone to go further into the city, and that Louis had chosen that particular flat. The universe had its plans for everyone, and he knew in his gut that they were never destined to just be strangers; they were destined to come together and create an explosion.

The front door rattled and creaked as Louis pushed his way in, juggling Clifford and a cup holder that teetered precariously on his open palm. Harry’s heart flipped with fond; every little thing this man did made him melt even when he was rolling his eyes at the dog and trying not spill hot chocolate onto the tiles. Sensing he was being watched, Louis looked up towards Harry where he peeked from the behind the doorframe. That smile, the one that turned Harry’s guts to liquid lava, crept over his face.

“I’m not promising I haven’t been licking the whipped cream off both of these on the way here,” Louis sassed. His face transformed into an awkward grimace as he held the cupholder out. “Sorry not sorry.” He winked cheekily as Harry lifted the cupholder away, chuckling and shaking his head.

“What’s a bit of saliva amongst friends, ey? Least you left me some.”

“I’m very generous like that H, can’t pass up the chance to see you licking whipped cream off something can I?”

Louis giggled as Harry choked on air, coughing and spluttering into his hands.

“Sorry for scandalising you. I forget you’re just a delicate, innocent little flower.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my quiet friend?” Harry smiled back devilishly; fuelled by the obvious sexual tension between them. This was territory he had never dared to charter. Flirting had been strictly off the table no matter how hard that was. It was not for Harry to decide what Louis would and wouldn’t be comfortable with, he needed to follow his lead.

“Oh, he’s still in there, he’s just letting me have a turn at driving.” Louis sidled past Harry into the living room and stopped in his tracks. “Oh... Harry.” The flirty lilt was gone, replaced with a soft, low tone. “You’ve done all of this for me?”

“Of course,” Harry replied, his tone matching Louis’. “I said I wanted to make it good.”

Both men were silent for a moment. Louis was gazing around the room; his mouth open slightly and tears making his eyes shimmer in the glow of the soft white fairy lights. Harry was gazing at Louis, falling more in love every moment. He hadn’t seen a part of him that he didn’t like, everything about him so perfect and unique. He was like a modern art sculpture; not everyone would be able to see the beauty in it and not many people would want to stick around to enjoy it, but the meaning and emotion spoke to Harry and rendered everyone else’s opinion irrelevant.

 

The day wore on, Harry and Louis resplendent in their matching comfies covered by one of the many hand-crocheted throws that adorned the flat. A present, Harry had learned, from Louis’ siblings every Christmas. As the films blared in the background, they had found themselves laughing and joking, swapping anecdotes and family stories, both rapt as they absorbed every detail of the others' lives. At some point, Louis had dug out a basket of face masks and so they found themselves, slathered in fruit-scented gloop that dripped from their chins with every chuckle, throwing jelly sweets up in the air for each other to catch in their mouths. Harry had just taken a foam fried egg to the eye and Louis was hysterical.

“The way it just slapped down,” he roared, his hands clutching his stomach. “It literally went THWAP,” he continued to laugh, smacking a hand down over his own eye in demonstration.

“Well, you threw it! Not sure what you were aiming for, but my mouth didn’t even come into it,” Harry laughed alongside Louis, his joy a contagious song that coursed through his veins.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, I’ve got this shit all over my hands now. Shall we clean up? I’m sure our skin must be revitalised and reenergised by now,” Louis read from the discarded packets on the table. He uncurled his legs from under him, standing in front of the sofa and stretching his arms above his head.

Harry’s eyes were drawn to the exposed skin above Louis’ waistband. His stomach was smattered with downy, dark hairs; a thicker, coarser trail leading from his belly button down into his trousers. His skin was soft and pink, the scars that just poked out not doing anything to mar the beauty of him. Harry sat on his hands to stop himself from reaching out and taking Louis by the hips. He wanted to pepper the delicate skin with kisses, wanted to let his tongue track the line of his waistband. He wanted to gently nibble his hipbones, wanted to hear the soft gasps that would be pulled from his throat. Harry swallowed; his throat dry. He could feel Louis’ eyes burning into him; he looked up through his eyelashes slowly and met the intensity of blue that looked back at him. He’d been caught, shit. There was no sound in the room, just their breathing, ragged and deep. There was nothing to do except fall into each other's eyes, the fire dancing between them. There was familiar twist in Harry’s groin as the eye contact intensified; he knew that it would be electric between them as his body craved the physical touch of Louis’ fingers, his mouth...

“I’m sorry but I can’t!” The moment was broken as Louis burst into laughter, embarrassment flooding Harry’s cheeks red.

“God, I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have been staring at you like that.” Harry shifted on the sofa, pushing his backside further back and leaning over to hide his obvious arousal.

“No, not that,” Louis could hardly breathe. “It’s just, we’re there staring at each other like horny teenagers. All intense eye contact and heavy breathing. And then it suddenly struck me that your face is covered in bright green sludge.”

“Oh my God, you’re right!” Harry flopped backwards laughing alongside Louis, embarrassment giving way as realisation dawned.

“Hey! Get up Casanova, you’re getting your gloop on my sofa.” Louis held out his hand, pulling Harry to his feet and pushing him ahead of him towards the bathroom. “Come on, a hot flannel awaits!”

They painstakingly cleaned each other’s faces, regularly rinsing the cloth between swipes. Harry took in every detail as Louis’ skin reappeared; soft and warm from the combination of the mask and the warm water. He kept his eyes closed, his eyelashes long and thick resting on those iconic cheekbones. Harry swept across Louis’ forehead, getting every bit of mask from the dark hairs of his eyebrows and the bridge of his nose. Continuing down, he pressed delicately into all the creases, putting the flannel over his pinkie to reach the deepest crevices at the side of his nose. His hand came up to Louis’ cheek without thought, cupping it gently as he dragged the flannel over the velcro of his stubble underneath his chin and around his mouth. Leaving his hand in position, he rinsed again, and concentrated on his lips where traces of mask still lingered. Harry used his thumb to glide gently over Louis’ lips, feeling the contours where they swelled into a pout, the dip of his Cupid’s bow and the gap of his slightly parted mouth. He could feel the warm air of his staggered breath from his nostrils across his knuckles, his own breath coming in fits and starts.

“You can kiss me, Harry. If you want to, you can kiss me.” Louis’ voice was serious, his eyes still closed but flickering under the lids.

Harry threw the flannel into the sink, drying his hand on his sweats and bringing it up to the other cheek. He let his thumbs brush across Louis’ eyelids and watched as he tipped his face up in preparation. Harry leaned forward, pursing his lips and gently kissed the tip of Louis’ nose, his mouth lingering for a second.

“I’m not doing this to seduce you, Louis. I’m doing this because I want you to feel the wonderful that you brought into my life.”

Louis opened his eyes, unshed tears collecting along his lash line.

“I thought you liked me.”

“I do. I’m crazy about you. You’re on my mind 24 hours a day, even when I dream it’s all about you. But I don’t want this unless you want it too. I don’t want you to ‘let’ me kiss you. I want you to be swept away in it, I want you to be with me all the way. Because it would never be just a kiss for me Louis. It would be everything.” Harry’s thumbs were still tracing circles on the peachy skin of his cheeks, brushing away the tears as they fell. “When you’re ready, when you want to kiss me so badly you think you could die, then kiss me. I’ll be waiting for you; for as long as it takes, I will wait for you. You’re worth every second of my time.”

Louis launched himself onto Harry’s chest, his arms snaking around his neck as he pressed himself hard against him. His tears were wet on Harry’s skin, soaking into the shoulder of his t-shirt as the smaller man came undone. He held his own tears back, eyes focused on the ceiling in every effort to hold it together.

“Why couldn’t I have met you first?” Louis whispered into his neck. And Harry couldn’t stop the tears any longer as he wondered the exact same thing.

Notes:

Sorry for the little bit of pain at the end there, I hope it was heartwarming still cos that was 100% my aim. I'm already working on the next chapter, hopefully it'll be up soon.

Chapter 13: Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

Summary:

Harry takes Louis on a trip to tick another thing off his bucket list. Will they find more than they bargained for at the seaside?

Notes:

This is a pretty long one, I was originally going to split it in two but I've decided I'm happy for these chapters to be a bit longer rather than dragging it out.

I haven't had a chance to do a thorough edit so I apologise for any mistakes, I'll catch them later and make sure they're changed.

Also, I apologise for any liberties taken in the description of Brighton. I've never actually been so I just had to do my best with what Google had to offer haha.

Music for this chapter was:

Florence and the Machine- Drumming Song
Supergrass- Alright
The Wannadies- You and Me Song
Aerosmith- Sweet Emotion
Simply Red- Fairground
Embrace- Gravity

June swiftly turned into July, the sun burning high in the sky so hot it threatened to crack the pavements. London was stuck in a never ending heatwave; the traffic fumes clogging the air and sticking to skin as people hurried about their daily lives. There was mass collapsing on the tube lines, paramedics waiting on platforms to pull slumped bodies out of the carriages. The bakery was almost unbearable, the ovens dousing the space in cloying heat that sucked the moisture from the back of Harry’s throat every time he opened his mouth to try and find air. He raked his fingers across his scalp, sweat plastering his curls to his head and rolling down his forehead. He threw open the closest oven, leaning into pull out a tray of sausage rolls. The heat attacked his slick skin and made him feel like he was burning alive; he was sure he could hear himself sizzling. He didn’t think it was possible for him to sweat any more than he already was, but as he straightened up fresh rivers ran down his back and under his waistband.

“FOR FUCK’S SAAAKKKEEE!” Head thrown back and still clutching the sausage rolls, he screamed at the ceiling. He couldn’t bear this much longer; he needed a storm. Thunder, lightning, bucketing rain. He wanted the works.

“Jaysus, Harry. It’s hotter than Satan’s arse crack in here.” Niall pushed his way into the kitchen, recoiling as the heat hit him square in the face. “You need to get outside for a bit boss.”

“Is it any cooler out there? I really don’t want to sit in the sun.” He fell back against the worktop and let his head loll forward while he waited for everything else to cook.

“Liam’s out there with Aurelia and baby Alba, he’s got the parasol up so you should get some shade there. Want me to make you a drink?”

Harry stepped closer to the kitchen door and pulled off his apron. “Yes please, I can’t stand it in here anymore. If I set a timer, will you take these last few trays out when they’re done?”

“Of course, you don’t even need to ask. Go on, get out there and coo over the baby. I know you’re desperate too.” Niall put his hand in the small of Harry’s back and pushed him forward. “Well, that’s fucking gross, you’re dripping!” He brought his hand up in front of his face, looking at it in disgust.

“Stop flirting with me you tart,” Harry laughed, making his way out of the kitchen into the shop. He felt the change in temperature immediately, sighing in relief as the sweat cooled on his skin under the air conditioning.

A tiny giggle caught his attention; through the window he could see Liam bouncing Alba on his knee, his beautiful girlfriend smiling at them fondly. He couldn’t help but smile along with them, they represented everything he wanted out of life. A beautiful man, an adorable baby or four and a happy life full of simple pleasures and adventures. Sadness crept into his heart; he wanted those things with Louis, but he had to accept that wouldn’t be happening. He imagined a beautiful baby boy with those big, blue eyes that had captivated him from the very beginning, tufts of dark hair that curled on the creases of his chubby little neck, a bright smile that crinkled his eyes and lit up an entire room. Maybe in another life.

“Aurelia, hey. You look beautiful.” Harry slid outside to the table, ducking his head to get under the blue and white striped parasol. Always a gentleman, he went to Aurelia’s side and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“Hola Guapo. How are you enjoying this weather back there in the kitchen?” There was no doubt about it, Aurelia was one of the great beauties of the world. Her hair cascaded down her back in jet black waves; expertly blow-dried and styled into loose waves. Her olive skin only highlighted the azure blue of her eyes, a button nose framing her face. Her plump lips were free of any make-up but still the colour of a deep red wine; she always looked as though she was pouting as the swell of her mouth contrasted with delicate elfin features.

“It’s a death sentence,” Harry smiled over at Alba as her pudgy arms stretched towards him. “There’s my little buttercup. Are you coming to sit with Uncle H?”

Liam stretched over the table, lifting his daughter towards Harry. Her excited squeals amplified as she neared him, her chubby hands clutching his face as she pressed open mouth kisses to his chin.

“Well, what a lovely welcome, Miss Alba. Have you missed me?” Harry breathed in his goddaughter’s smell; his lips pressed to her temple. She was the perfect mix of her parents; her mother’s olive skin and thick black curls and her father’s chocolate eyes and dimpled smile. She smelled like baby shampoo and sun cream; her skin silky soft to touch.

“She’s definitely missing the tea parties. She has no one to teach her how to make the perfect vanilla latte.” Liam raised his eyebrows at Harry, his dimpled smile making an appearance over the brim of his cup.

“Yes, who is this mystery man that’s keeping you so busy, hmm?” Aurelia sat forward in her chair, ready for all the gossip.

“That would be me, I do apologise.”

Harry’s head whipped around at the sound of Louis’ voice behind him. He couldn’t help but smile, a fond expression washing over his features as he breathed him in. Tapered grey sweats that clung around his ankles and moulded to the curve of his bum, a tight black Vans t-shirt around his slim waist and gold aviator sunglasses; Harry noticed that the long sleeves of his t-shirt were rolled up, his tattoos peeking out and stirring something inside of Harry.

“Hi,” Harry almost gasped. Alba tugged on a loose strand of hair that had escaped his bun, reminding him that he was absolutely staring at the vision before him.

“Hey. Hope I’m not interrupting, I saw you come outside and I thought I’d come and say hi while you were on a break.”

“You’re never interrupting. I missed you this morning.”

“Yes, well. Needs must; it was definitely an interesting appointment with my therapist. I hate going into the city during rush hour.”

Aurelia and Liam watched the exchange between the two men who were seemingly oblivious to the other people sat at the table. Louis took the last spare chair, his eyes never leaving Harry as they continued to discuss how chaotic the tube was in the blistering heat and how rude commuters were. Alba sat on Harry’s knee, her tiny face taking in every inch of Louis. Her head tilted and a smile broke on her rosebud mouth. She shrieked loudly, her hands going out to Louis.

“Oh, hello gorgeous, look at you.” Louis took the excited baby and held her close to his chest. She reached for his face, and he snapped his head back dramatically, feigning pain. “That’s quite a punch you’ve got there!” Aurelia let out a gurgling baby chuckle, reaching for Louis’ face again.

“She never goes to anyone she doesn’t know. Are you some sort of baby whisperer?!” Liam was astounded, his jaw slack as he watched his daughter interact with a stranger.

“I kinda have this effect on kids, no idea why. Is it okay that I’m holding her?”

Harry was so gone. The butterflies in his stomach were looping and diving as he watched Louis with Alba. He was such a natural dad; his first instinct was kindness and tenderness. He held her in one arm, her arms around his neck and her smile wide; he looked like he had five kids at home, and this was just another day in the life. Alba was in rapture, her eyes never leaving him for a moment. Harry knew he had a goofy look on his face as he rested his chin on his hand, but he didn’t care. He wanted to commit this to memory.

“Be my guest! Hi, I’m Aurelia.” She leaned to her left, planting a firm kiss on Louis’ cheek. “It’s amazing to finally meet you, Louis; you’re just as gorgeous as Harry said you were.”

“You can’t embarrass me, Rei! Louis knows I think he’s hot!” Harry let his hand brush Louis’ knee under the table. “Hey, where’s Cliff?” He had been so busy fonding over Louis with a baby that he hadn’t noticed the absence of a certain curly head.

“I, erm. I left him at home. It was my therapist’s idea. Small journeys without him sometimes. I thought today was perfect. It feels so strange to leave the house on my own, and poor Cliff doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. But I had you to focus on as I walked over so... here I am.”

“I’m so proud of you Lou.” Harry reached out and squeezed Louis’ shoulder, the smaller man leaning into his touch.

Liam looked at Aurelia knowingly, taking her hand across the table as they watched their two friends so obviously in love. It was bittersweet; the way they acted with each other was poetry, a rhythmic dance that screamed their emotions out loud for the world to see. They looked like a family with the little girl between them, so content and relaxed as their love showered down onto her. But they were never meant to have the traditional love story, to paint their own future and build their own little family. There were stuck in an hourglass, and it was rapidly counting down.

 

♥

 

“There better be a good reason for you dragging me on the tube at 6am Harold.” Louis was tired and grumpy. Harry had insisted on him being up and ready to leave at 5.30am this morning and wouldn’t say a word about where they were headed.

“I have a very good reason actually! All you need to know for now is that it’s a list thing.” Harry smiled smugly, leaning forward to counterbalance the weight of the enormous camping rucksack strapped to his back.

“If you weren’t knocking out every third person we pass with that ridiculous bag and keeping me amused, I would be considering slaughtering you right now.” Despite himself, Louis smiled as Harry partially turned towards him and took a swipe at a passing woman wearing a suit and running shoes. He was oblivious to the black looks being thrown his way; clearly, he was very excited about whatever they were doing, and it was contagious.

The entire walk to the tube station Harry had jogged backwards in front of Louis, asking repeatedly if he was excited. His denim clad thighs bulged as he moved, the ripped knees exposing the ‘si’ ‘no’ tattoos, the corresponding ‘oui’ ‘non’ not quite visible. He had held tight to the straps of his bag and Louis was rendered speechless as the sight of his biceps filling the arms of his skinny grey tee. How was he real?! A beanie pulled over his curls had completed the look, sunglasses slotted onto the front of his shirt. If someone had said he’d just strolled off a modelling shoot it wouldn’t have been a shock. Even his casual clothes screamed sex appeal.

A station guard opened the wide gate to let Louis through with Clifford, double taking when he spotted Harry’s rucksack.

“You’re always weighted down lad! What’s in it this time?” The guard shook his head good-naturedly as Harry tapped the side of his nose and gestured to Louis.

“Can’t tell you that Darren, I’ll give myself away.”

They wandered on to the platform, Darren’s laughter following them down the echoing tunnel. The avocado tiles were like something straight out of the seventies, the clashing posters for upcoming West End shows and sexual health clinics jarring against them.

“Well known for your baggage then Styles?” Louis nudged into Harry, knocking him off balance with the unexpected jolt. Harry took his hand, leading him over to an empty bench on the platform, making sure Louis sat down before he peeled off his bag and sat down beside him.

“What can I say, I’m whipped.” Harry raised his eyebrows, a smug smile teasing the corners of his mouth. Louis could feel the build of an approaching train around him, the air getting warmer and thicker as it rushed towards the station.

“Is this ours then?” he asked, jumping to his feet to avoid acknowledging the churning in his stomach.

“Certainly is; all aboard for King’s Cross Station!” Harry stood in front of Louis, both arms outstretched as he waited for a reaction. It wasn’t what he expected; Louis face drained of colour, his eyes widening in fear.

“We’re...we’re leaving London?” The nerves started to chew at his gut, his head spinning while his vision blinkered and blurred. The train came rushing in beside them, the deafening sound stealing another of Louis’ senses.

“Lou?! Lou! Come here, you’re safe, okay, you’re safe.” Harry folded Louis into his arms, he felt smaller somehow, more vulnerable than he had the day before when they laughed and joked with their friends. Despite being circled into Harry’s strong chest, his legs still swayed, and his knees would slacken so he dropped a couple of inches. Harry directed him back to the bench, sitting him down and pushing him forward gently so his head rested between his knees.

Louis didn’t look up until the train had pulled out, the platform quiet and calm once again. He lifted his head, coming nose to nose with Clifford who was trying his best to get up on his knee. He sat back, letting the dog jump on and do what he was trained to do; soothe. As his fingers ran through dark, curly fur, his vision started to return to normal. He realised that Harry was holding tight to his hand, whiteknuckling as he chewed nervously at his fingers.

“Louis, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot, I didn’t think about preparing you. I just jumped right in, like I always do. I can take you home.”

“Harry...stop. Let’s both just take a breath.” The men sat side by side on the bench, fingers entwined and a hand each wrapped around Clifford. After a few minutes, Louis spoke again, “I want us to go wherever you planned. I just wasn’t thinking we would be going out of London. And I should have warned you that it might get this reaction.”

“We really don’t have to. I can do something for you in London, absolutely no trouble. If we just go back the way we ca...”

“We’re going! No, sass!” Louis smacked the back of Harry’s hand playfully, his palm lingering a beat too long over his knuckles. “This is the first time I’ll have left since I moved here. London has been something of a safety blanket for me.”

Harry considered his words before he spoke them, the anxiety still present behind his eyes.

“Are you scared we’ll run into Jack?” His voice was soft and quiet, discomfort edging the curiosity behind the question.

“Jack’s dead Harry. He killed himself before it even got to trial.” Louis had never spoken the words aloud, had never said to anyone that his ex-boyfriend was dead and that it was all his fault. He had killed himself in his cell, a sharpened biro used to cut open his own throat. The blood-spattered note that he left behind had placed sole blame on Louis’ shoulders. The pain of losing him and of facing how badly he had hurt him was just too much to bear. Over the years everyone had tried to convince him that it was simply the last power play of a coward who didn’t want to face the music for all of the crimes he was accused of. But the words in the letter would never leave him; they crossed his mind multiple times a day.

I have become a monster trapped inside a human skin suit; a demon who cannot be trusted around anything as beautiful as you, Louis. I have hurt you badly, and you have hurt me in return. I have realised during my time here that without your love there is no reason for me to carry on. You have made it clear that you cannot forgive me and that is enough to take the last shred of fight out of me. I hope you will think of me often. I hope you will recognise me in others. I will always be with you.

“He waffled on for three pages about our ‘tragic love story’. Most of it was completely delusional crap of course. But things like that stay with you, they change you. Realising that I had played a part in someone’s death, that was like the nail in the coffin for me. No matter how much I hate him, how terrified of him that I was, there is still some warped kind of bond. There’s no closure and that haunts me. I will never be able to apologise.”

“There is not one single part of your past that you need to take responsibility for. You were mentally battered into shape by a manipulative cunt of a man that couldn’t bear to see how brightly you shone. He had to take that light from you and keep it for himself. He probably had a lot of people’s stolen light inside of him. But he was rotten to the core, a poison on society. And he did the world a favour by removing himself from it.”

Louis stared into Harry’s eyes and saw nothing but genuine honesty and a blaze of anger. Hearing those words from his beautiful mouth, words that had been spoken by many before him, felt different somehow. They felt more genuine, more believable. The air thickened again as the next train started to approach; Harry didn’t move a muscle, he just continued to look at Louis and attempt to pour his sincerity into him. He nodded gently, making it known that he’d heard the kind words, had felt them.

“Let’s go to Kings Cross then Christopher Columbus.” He threaded his delicate fingers through Harry’s, leaning forward to heave him up off the bench.

 

♥

 

Even when they reached Kings Cross, the world waking up and streaming through its doors, Harry still wouldn’t reveal their destination. He was quite literally the most adorable thing Louis had ever seen; a big tree of a man, towering over most of the other people, all toned arms and broad chest but with the essence of a child. His cheeks were flushed pink with excitement and his eyes shone. He kept Louis close at all times, never turning his back to him or letting him fall behind, their hands interweaved and a soothing thumb stroking circles around his knuckles. When they stopped for a quick coffee before they boarded their train, he made sure he secured the closest seat to the counter he could find, regularly turning round and shooting him a dazzling smile. From most people Louis would find this behaviour claustrophobic and overbearing but coming from Harry it was gentlemanly and calming. He was the sort of person classic authors wrote for their heroine to fall madly in love with, the sort of person that personifies being swept off your feet. He wasn’t smarmy or egotistical, he was just Harry. Handsome, kind-hearted, romantic, thoughtful, sensitive, raw Harry. He was perfection.

They settled into their first-class seats and obviously he’d booked a table and paid for all 4 seats so that they could spread out as much as they liked. Of course, they didn’t; they sat side by side for the entire journey, their legs pressed together from thigh to knee, their feet brushing against each other. Clifford snored under the table while they took selfies in a variety of stupid poses, bickering over who took the best ones and sending them all to each other. Neither of them wanted to miss a single moment of their time together. For the last half an hour of their journey, they dozed together. When Louis had yawned long and loud for the 300th time, Harry had opened his arm and ushered him onto his chest. Their heads rested together, and Louis felt a warm snuffling on his scalp that made his toes curl in pleasure. He basked in the goosebumps that sprung up over his body when Harry dragged his fingers up and down his arms, the fabric between them not doing anything to dispel the electricity coursing through him.

They woke as the train jolted to a stop; it was bizarre for Louis to wake up coiled around someone. He had built up his walls so high this last couple of years that he wouldn’t even share a bed with his littlest siblings when they came to visit; he was always so scared he would freak out in the night and hurt them before he realised who they were. He didn’t fear any of that Harry; he just felt safe. It took Louis a second to focus his eyes out of the window; it looked like any other train station. A high, domed glass roof and whitewashed walls fenced in by rustic black metal fencing. And of course, the people, always all the people. His eyes eventually landed on a welcome sign, his face lighting up.

“OH MY GOD WE’RE IN BRIGHTON!” Louis screamed, childlike and carefree despite the busy carriage they were in. “HARRY, YOU BROUGHT ME TO BRIGHTON?!”

“Are you pleased?” Harry was smiling, his mouth parted and his tongue sliding from side to side between his teeth.

“I’m over the fucking moon lad! I’ve always wanted to go to Brighton.” Clifford had noticed the rise in Louis’ heartrate and was pawing at him from underneath the table. He snaked a hand down, placing it firmly on top of the dog’s head to let him he didn’t need assistance. It was kind of sad that his best boy didn’t understand that he could feel happiness.

“If you want the sea and a helter skelter, then that’s what you get. There’s no itinerary for today, this is all about you. I thought we could just mooch around and see what takes our fancy.” Harry moved his way into the aisle once everyone else had disembarked. He reached over to get his rucksack from the overhead storage, his toned stomach appearing as his shirt rolled up. Without thinking, Louis trailed his fingers down the laurel tattoos on either hip, stopping only when he reached waistband.

“I’m sorry, that was inappropriate. Couldn’t help myself.” His face flushed beetroot as Harry’s arms shot down to tug at his hem.

“No, I... I liked it. I just wasn’t expecting it. And erm, my hipbones are kind of a... a sensitive place for me.” It was Harry’s turn to blush, unable to make eye contact as he offered his hand to help Louis up.

“Ooooohhhhhhh. Well, I’ll remember that for next time I decide to stroke one of your body parts.” Louis chuckled loudly when Harry’s face turned an even darker shade of red, his eyes closing as he tried to control himself.

“I think we better get off this train before you make me cry,” Harry quipped, rolling his hips from side to side to make his way up the aisle. He was fascinating, even for someone like Louis who hadn’t looked at anyone in any kind of way for two years. His movements were cinema; he was clumsy and clunky most of the time, then he would surprise with a lithe gracefulness that seemed to come from nowhere.

They made their way through the station towards the exit, screeching seagulls making their way in to find discarded breakfast on the concrete floor. Louis could feel the sea breeze ruffling his hair; he pulled out his hairband and let his fringe flop forward as they stepped outside. Sea air felt amazing; even though they were a short walk away from the beach he could taste the salt in the air. It was so much easier to breathe away from the heat and fug of London, each lungful was bliss as he sucked it right down to the bottom of his lungs. Quickly checking over his shoulder, he stopped in the middle of the concourse and lifted his arms out to the sides, his eyes closing and his head dropping back to let the morning sun kiss his skin.

“Are you happy Lou?” Harry’s voice filtered into his ears like silk.

“Blissfully, H. Blissfully.” Louis smiled over at his friend with a full heart. He didn’t know what he’d done that meant he deserved this angel in his life, but he was more than grateful for him.

“Let’s go and find that helter skelter then.” Harry pulled Louis towards him, slinging an arm around his waist and letting his fingers curl into his shirt where his hips began to swell out.

It was less than a mile down to Brighton Palace Pier. They walked the entire way wrapped around each other with Clifford at their heels. Louis was ecstatic as he squealed in delight at pretty much everything they saw. They passed buildings covered with artwork from local sprayers, kitschy shops selling typical seaside tat, sex shops that beckoned you into their darkest corners. The people of Brighton were fascinating; they had seen mods, goths, dandies, hipsters, chavs... literally any kind of person you could imagine would be found walking the streets of Brighton. No one seemed uncomfortable or self-conscious, they were happy to just be whoever they wanted to be. There was beauty in that, a whole community that seemed to accept each other for whatever they were.

They eventually reached the pier, it’s famous domed ceiling peeking above the fancy white façade. Brightly coloured letters flashed in front of their eyes and called for them to enter. Harry was practically foaming at the mouth to get in; so much so that his feet were doing a little happy dance while Louis stopped to take photos. He encouraged Harry into the frame, pushing Clifford’s leash into his hand as he went. Watching Harry, squatting down and throwing his arm around Clifford, the enormous backpack poking up from behind his head and his cheesy grin radiating towards him, Louis’ heart grew three sizes. He watched as Harry pulled off his beanie, the sea breeze immediately catching his curls and blowing his hair back from his chiselled features. Clifford was watching it all unfold, nuzzling into Harry’s armpit as the man himself pressed kisses onto the smooth fur on the top of his head. Louis snapped away, not caring how many pictures he took in his quest for the perfect one.

“We have to come back here later when all the lights come on! What time do we have to get the train home?”

“The tickets are open ended so that’s completely up to you. If you want to hang around until it’s dark, we could... we could stay over? I booked a room in a little B&B just in case. It has two beds! I wasn’t presuming....” Harry looked at Louis nervously, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

“Harry, I know you would never presume anything. Please stop explaining yourself to me, we’re past that point now.” He rubbed the top of Harry’s arm soothingly. “Let’s play it by ear, hmm? I don’t know whether I’ll have an overnight stay in me later.”

Harry had already paid for their wristbands, so they fastened them on and strolled through the doors of the pier, their senses immediately assaulted by the flashing lights and jingles that blasted from the arcade games all around them. As they bobbed and weaved through the aisles, they craned their necks to take everything in. At the other end, they pushed their way through the doors and exited onto the wooden deck.

“Oh my God! Look at all of this!” Louis dragged Harry through the stalls and fairground rides, pointing out everything he wanted to try.

This was exactly what Harry had planned on; the chance to see Louis completely free and excited about life. He was childlike in his joy, barely finishing one sentence before he was distracted by something else that caught his eye.

“Oh my God there’s a bar! And a restaurant! Look at all these rides! We MUST try and win one of those giant teddies! Wow look at that view of the sea! Is that an actual rollercoaster? Aww look at that couple sharing an ice cream. Do you think I’m too big for those trampolines?”

There was no point in trying to answer any of the questions, he would already have moved on and probably wouldn’t even hear it. Harry walked slightly behind, smiling like a goof as Louis bounced like a spring lamb, turning round every now and again to check Harry was still there. He came to a slamming halt as they reached the helter skelter, Harry slamming into him and stepping on the back of his ankles.

“THE HELTER SKELTER HARRY! I actually think I’m going to... yep, I’m crying over a helter skelter,” Louis laughed as tears of joy trickled from his eyes, swiping them away with the back of his hand. “I honestly don’t know where to start thanking you for this. You really are one of life’s unicorns, please don’t ever change.” He moved closer, wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist and pressing his face against his chest. Without hesitation, Harry scooped him up, lifting Louis onto his onto his tiptoes. They were both oblivious to all the movement around them, the only thing they were aware of was each other; completely lost in each other’s arms, their eyes closed and arms tight around each other. Harry dropped a kiss on the top of Louis’ head, breathing in the smell of his shampoo and his sun-warmed scalp. He smelled like home, like comfort, like love.

“Let’s get up there then.”

They looked up at the wooden structure in front of them. The immense white tower was streaked with red and blue stripes, a viewing platform sitting atop it with a flag waving lazily in the summer breeze. They approached the attendant and showed their wristbands.

“We’ll have to leave Clifford on bag duty I reckon,” Louis quipped, instructing the dog to sit down by the gate. “Excuse me mate, can you just keep an eye on him please?” The attendant nodded and held out two mats towards them.

“One at time down the slide please. No running on the top platform. You will probably feel the tower swaying when you’re up there, it’s perfectly safe so don’t panic. If you get to the top and decide you don’t want to go down, you can come back down the stairs but if someone else comes up please don’t try and pass each other. Enjoy the ride.” The entire speech was delivered deadpan, not a flicker of emotion crossed his face.

Louis turned back to look at Harry as he took the mats from the attendants outstretched hands. He lowered in eyebrows and smirked bemusedly while Harry covered his mouth with hand and cleared his throat to suppress the laugh that bubbled.

“I love a man who’s passionate about his work,” Louis said in his most serious voice, winking as he spoke. “Cheers mate”

 

They ran up the spiral staircase, laughter exploding as soon as they turned the first bend. The attendant would be able to hear them without a doubt, but they were riding the high of each other’s mirth and they didn’t have a care in the world. Louis streamed ahead of Harry, his thick thighs pushing him forward; Harry could only watch as his bum bounced with every step only inches away from his face.

“Louis, I hate to be a sex pest but if you carry on with this bouncing, you’re going to find my teeth sunk straight into your cheeks.” Harry gave him a playful pat and was treated to a wiggle of Louis’ hips. “Right, that does it, I’m biting!”

Louis shrieked and sped up, forcing his legs to take two steps at a time as they twisted and turned up towards the sky. Harry stayed behind and gnashed his teeth theatrically with one hand outstretched as if he was going to grab him. Up and up they went, cracks of daylight breaching the wooden frame of the helter skelter and casting shafts of sunlight over their faces. Harry started to feel the breeze as the platform grew nearer; his hot skin welcomed the slightly cooler air. Suddenly, Louis stopped dead. Harry crashed into his back and wound his arms around his waist, pulling him back against his firm body and resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Caught you!” he giggled in Louis’ ear. It felt so right to him to have this man’s body flush against him. He could feel his stomach rapidly rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath from the chase, his t-shirt slightly damp with sweat. Louis leaned back into the embrace, the back of his head not quite reaching Harry’s shoulder. He rested their cheeks together, their skin sticking slightly.

“Would you look at that. It’s beautiful.” They were looking out to sea, the sun sparkling on its surface. Sea foam frothed as the waves lapped and way out on the horizon boats bobbed along; some carried passengers on cheesy excursions and booze cruises, others were local fishermen out to make a living. “Makes everything feel kind of insignificant, doesn’t it?”

“You could never be insignificant, even in the presence of God himself. You’re far too special, Lou.” Harry tightened his arms around the smaller man and his insides melted when he felt hands cover his own.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve everything.”

They turned their heads towards each other, their bodies still pressed together. Harry’s legs were on the outside, their feet touching, thighs pressed together. Their bodies were spooning; Louis’ bum snug in the hollow made by the way Harry was slightly stooped, his back flush against the firm ridges of his abs. Their lips were inches apart, noses almost touching. The world was slowing down, the volume turned to its lowest as their hearts sped up in tandem. Louis started to inch his face closer to Harry, brushing the tips of their noses together in a slow dance. Their eyes closed as they revelled in the feeling of their skin touching, quickened breaths melding between them.

“CAN YOU MAKE YOUR WAY DOWN THE SLIDE PLEASE. YOU ARE CREATING A QUEUE!” They sprung apart as the attendant's voice blared through a megaphone.

“No fucking way!” Harry snorted as the comedy of the moment hit him.

“He picks his times! Come on Harold, let’s go down together and really piss him off.” Louis threw their mats onto the flat surface at the top of the slide and edged himself carefully onto the first one. He gripped the sides, turning to Harry and egging him on with his eyes. “Come on, break some rules with me.”

Harry didn’t hesitate. He slotted his legs around Louis, holding their mats together where they overlapped. He lifted his feet over Louis’ shins, locking them in place and shuffling all the way forward.

“Ready, I’ll push us off on 3,” Louis braced his feet on the slide, gradually easing them both forward. “Ready? 3...2...1....AND WE’RE OFF!” They shot down the side, pinballing from side to side as they rounded every corner at speed. The wind was carding through their hair and stealing the breath from their open mouths. Louis whooped and cheered all the way down, his head thrown back to the sky and his arms outstretched.

They were flying together, soaring. Harry’s heart was never coming down.

 

♥

 

It was the most perfect day that either of the boys had ever had. They spent a couple of hours going round the entire pier; Louis dragged Harry on every ride and laughed at his green tinge when they got off the Mad Mouse. They played all the carnival games, growing more and more competitive with each one. It turned into a competition of who could win the most ridiculous stuffed toys. Of course, Louis won, his arms bursting with plushies as he did a victory dance in a circle around Harry. They found an unsuspecting family and gifted all of them, except for the small teddy that Harry pushed into the side pocket of his bag when Louis wasn’t looking. Inside the dome, they pushed twopences into the waterfall machines, whooping with joy whenever anything was pushed off the ledge. Harry whooped Louis’ arse at air hockey, Louis whooped Harry’s at the dance machine.

As the sun climbed higher in the sky, they retreated into the restaurant, choosing whatever they desired from the menu and pushing it all into the middle of the table so they could share. Clifford had his own plate, both regularly dropping pieces of whatever they were eating on to it, much to the dog’s delight. They talked about the other places they wanted to see while they were here; Louis wanted to visit all the little shops and buy sticks of rock to send to his siblings, Harry wanted to visit the Royal Pavillion, and both were more than ready for a paddle in the sea. They didn’t discuss how close they came to kissing at the top of the helter skelter nor did either of them tell the other how desperate they were to do it again. It was an unspoken secret between them that grew and grew, wrapping its way around them like a climbing vine.

When they were stuffed to bursting, they made their way back out onto the street, grabbing an ice cream from a street vendor to fill their second stomachs. There was always room for pudding. They were in no rush, exploring all the side streets and dead ends to find the quirkiest shops to buy souvenirs and mementoes from their day.

By mid-afternoon they found themselves in the gardens of the Royal Pavillion, seeking refuge from the sun under a large tree. Harry had pulled a checkered blanket and a rather warm bottle of champagne out of his rucksack. Happily they sat side by side, sipping the tepid bubbles from the plastic beakers that had also surfaced from the bag.

“You’re such a mum,” Louis had teased Harry as he rifled through the various items in his bag, pulling out suncream, a deflated beach ball, plasters and various bags of snacks.

He was laid back on his elbows, sunglasses perched on the end of his nose as he watched the families and couples milling around the gardens. Harry’s eyes travelled the length of his body as he chewed on his top lip. His hair was sticking up in tufts and his fringe plastered to his forehead from the effort of all the walking in the baking heat. His eyes were hidden behind thick framed sunglasses, but Harry could picture the way they would be sparkling with happiness, the blue growing brighter and brighter. His nose was slightly pink with sunburn and his lips were pursed; his strong jaw tilted back as he rolled his neck from side to side. On the walk over Louis had felt comfortable enough to remove his hoodie, revealing a tight, white V-neck t-shirt that showed off the “It Is What It Is” tattoo across his chest bones. The sleeves were rolled up to the crook of his elbows, his forearms tanned from the hours they had both spent out in the garden or walking through the park. Harry’s eyes continued down to the pale blue skinny jeans that hugged Louis’ hips and shapely thighs; he chastised himself as his eyes lingered slightly too long on the sizeable bulge at the front of them, the fly straining at the seams. His knees were bent up, his feet planted firmly on the floor in black and white checked Vans slip ons. He’d drawn a smiley with crosses for eyes on both, his personal tag that he daubed on his favourite things. He was edible, the picture of perfection.

“Hey, Harry?” He was shaken from his intense thirsting by the sound of Louis’ voice.

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe we should stay tonight. Y’know, take some pressure off us this afternoon so we can chill a little bit.” He lowered his sunglasses down his nose and smiled at Harry. His face was relaxed and soft, he had never looked this calm and content in the time Harry had known him. “Will Liam and Niall be okay?”

“Of course, I told them I didn’t know whether I’d be back. They’ve got my number if they need me.” Harry shuffled slightly closer to Louis and laid flat on the ground, his hand resting on Clifford’s warm back as he dozed. “I even brought two sets of pyjamas and two toothbrushes,” Harry said proudly.

“Is there anything you haven’t got in that bag? Shergar? Glenn Miller? The Romanov Easter Eggs?”

“I’m a good Boy Scout Lewis, always prepared.” Harry flashed a Scout salute at Louis.

“Hmmm... but have you still got the uniform?” Louis quickly raised his eyebrows twice, his tongue snaking out to touch his top lip. They fell about laughing, champagne sloshing out of their cups and drying sticky on their arms.

 

♥

They made the decision to check into their hotel and give Clifford a little rest before they headed back out. As they closed the door to their room behind them, he seemed more than happy to oblige and immediately headed for the cool tiles of the bathroom, grumbling as his claws clacked across the floor.

“This hotel is amazing! You have to let me chip in Harry.” Louis looked around the room in awe. They were staying in The Old Ship Inn Hotel, a beautiful place that looked over the beach. The walls were white all except one that was painted a cool blue. French doors opened onto a small balcony, letting sea air fill the room and take the edge off the brutal heat. Two single beds with fresh white linens were pushed together in the centre of the room, one long comforter folded and laid across the bottom. Louis went and sat in one of the comfortable armchairs to watch out of the windows as seagulls swooped and cawed just outside.

“No chance, I offered to do this remember? You can organise your own excursions if you want to pay for anything.” Harry was fiddling with the Nespresso machine on the desk, his large fingers fumbling with the tiny pods.

Louis walked over and gently took it from his hands, placing it straight into the machine first time and closing the lid.

“Are you asking me to take you on a date Harry Styles?”

“Well... I mean I wouldn’t say no if you offered.” Harry removed the first cup of coffee and handed it to Louis. He started fiddling with another pod trying to replicate what Louis had done.

“Give that here will you,” Louis pulled the pod out of his hands and set the machine up ready for another cup. “Right, you’ve got it. Me and you will have a date at some point. I’ll treat you real nice.” Louis put on a Southern American accent and chucked Harry under the chin.

 

♥

 

The coffee had gone cold and forgotten as soon as they sat on their beds to relax. They had both fallen asleep, the television softly droning in the background. When Louis had woke, his breath heaving and chest tight, Harry had sprung up beside him almost immediately. He soothed him with his voice, reassuring him that he was safe, and no one would hurt him while there was a breath left in his body. He had waited until Louis was ready before he offered his open arms and let him collapse into them. They had stayed that way until the anxiety passed; Louis noticed that it seemed to pass a lot quicker with Harry around.

They headed back out of the room around 7pm and headed straight to the sea front. Walking along the edge of the beach, fish and chips in greasy paper clutched in their hands, they made the most of the cooling breeze that blew in from the sea. They were heading back in the direction of the pier to see it lit up. Louis had explained to Harry that ever since he was a child, he had been obsessed with fairy lights and Christmas displays. He had thought they were for him, a cute family tradition of driving around on Christmas Eve (which happened to be his birthday) to look at the adorned houses had linked in his brain, and he had dreamed he was something truly special when he saw how everyone celebrated with him.

They reached the Palace Pier for the second time that day, the sun lowering beyond the sea. The lights were just flickering on, and they were breath-taking. Harry didn’t know if it was seeing them with Louis that made them feel so amazing or whether he really was just a sap, but a lump formed at the back of his throat as they watched. They walked across the boards towards the arcade, old fashioned lamp posts flanking them on either side. The illuminated letters on top of the building were bright white and strings of fairy lights were draped over the dome like wax running down a candle.

“Wow! I’ll be honest, I didn’t get why you were so eager to come back here to see this but... wow!” Harry was mesmerised, his eyes never leaving the lights.

Louis pulled him over to a bench, sitting them down and snuggling into Harry’s side. The chips were long since gone but he could still feel the grease on his lips when he rubbed them together. He had had the most perfect day and it wasn’t over yet.

“You better still be coming in the sea with me. I’m not going plodging alone!”

“Of course I’m coming in. It’s just a shame it’s getting late, I would have gone in in my Speedos!”

“Don’t let a bit of night air stop you,” Louis quipped, the thought of Harry in Speedos flashing into his mind with lightning speed. He pushed it away, the fire that flared low in his abdomen scaring him witless. He couldn’t let himself get too swept up in all this, he wasn’t staying around long enough to be messing with Harry’s head.

They spent an hour just sitting on the bench watching couples walk towards the restaurant in their finery. Music from the bar washed over them, familiar generic songs that they couldn’t name but could hum along too.

“We better head to the beach Lou, the tide is coming in pretty quickly.” Harry stood up, coaxing Clifford out from underneath their seat.

They walked down to the sand and Louis immediately began to kick his shoes off. The wet sand squeezed up between his toes sending a cold chill through his body that was impossible to decipher as either cold or thrill. He stamped up and down watching as the sand filled itself back in before it swallowed his foot again. Harry was balancing on one foot, taking off his shoes and rolling up his trouser legs. Louis hesitated for a minute, considering his next move. Before he could overthink it, he started to unbutton his jeans, pushing them down his legs and abandoning them on the sand.

“What are you doing, you lunatic!” Harry was agog, watching the former timid mouse of a man stripping off on a public beach.

“What?” Louis asked, unzipping his hoodie and throwing it on top of his jeans. “It’s getting dark, no one can really see me. If I’m going in, I might as well go all the way.” He pulled his t-shirt over his head and discarded it.

Harry watched his body move in the almost darkness. He seemed unencumbered and confident. It was powerful. And a little bit sexy, although he was trying to push that part out of his mind. He started to shimmy out of his own trousers, throwing them down next to Louis’. He pulled his jumper and t-shirt off in one go and took off at run down the sand.

“Come on then slow coach,” he shouted back to Louis. He was already catching Harry up, both wearing nothing but their underpants as they splashed into the water’s edge. Clifford ran along behind them, refusing to miss out on the fun.

“FUCK ME! IT’S FUCKING FREEZING!” Louis gasped as the bitter cold water reached his knees, forcing himself to keep going to where Harry was already up to his chest.

“D...d... don’t be so s...s...s... soft,” Harry struggled to get his words out, his teeth chattering together, and his skin rippled with goosebumps.

“You’re not cold?” Harry shook his head in response. “Not even a little bit?” He shook his head again, his body so numb that he wasn’t sure his mouth would work. Louis threw both his arms down as hard as he could into the water, massive waves shooting up and soaking Harry’s hair and shoulders.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Harry roared, temporarily forgetting to breath. He reached for Louis, tugging him closer and gently bobbed him down to his chin, relishing the loud scream that forced it’s way out of him.

“OKAY TRUCE! FUCKING TRUCE YOU ANIMAL!” he screamed back at Harry, holding his hands up in surrender. Clifford was dog paddling around them in circles like a lifeguard, watching over everything they were doing. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Louis that if anyone else had touched him, Clifford would have been all over it. His little man had come to trust the big man in his life. They were like a little family.

“Right Lou. Since this is another thing to tick off your list, I want to see you floating on your back and yelling at the sky.” Harry did a little jump, pushing himself onto his back and floating with his arms out.

Louis coped his movement, gasping as the back of his head touched the water and brain freeze shot through him.

“Yell at the sky? What do you want me to yell?”

“Anything you like. Whatever you need to get off your chest. Come on, we’ll take it in turns.”

“Erm, okay.” Louis thought about it for a moment, then took a deep breath in. “IT ISN’T FAIR!” He shouted, still aware that anyone up on the pavement would be able to hear him.

“Very nice. But I’m going to need the next one to be louder. WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?” Harry yelled, almost deafening Louis despite the water lapping in his ears.

“WHY DIDN’T MY DAD WANT ME?!”

“WHY DID YOU LET MY STEPDAD DIE?!”

“WHY CAN’T I JUST BE ALLOWED TO FEEL?!”

“HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!”

Louis was overcome with emotion, all of the rage and poison spewing from inside of him. He could hear Harry’s cries to the wild, but he couldn’t quite take them in, his own mind preoccupied with pain.

“WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE JUST TO FIND SOME PEACE?! WHY DID YOU LET HIM FUCKING BREAK ME?!”

Harry was quiet for a beat longer than expected, Louis’ words thudding into his heart with cold dread. If Louis could be this brave, so could he.

“WHY DID YOU LET ME FALL SO DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HIM WHEN HE CAN’T FUCKING STAY WITH ME!”

Louis heard that one; it punched him in the gut, forcing him back on his feet. The water lapped his chest, a shock again after the few minutes he’d spent on his back. Harry stood across from him, his head lowered and his hair falling over it in curtains. He couldn’t speak, he just stood there and watched as Harry crumbled in front of him, his shoulders heaving as his entire body was wracked with sobs. Clifford had gotten out at some point, and he stood on the edge of the water while it lapped his ankles. He was watching the scene unfold, making sure no one was in danger.

Dragging his body through the water, Louis closed the gap between them and pulled Harry to his chest. He immediately buried his face in Louis’ neck, his sobs growing louder and more violent even as he pursed his lips and pressed kisses to the salty skin under his mouth.

“I love you; I love you so much,” he muttered, his voice muffled. His kisses were frantic, but with desperation rather than longing. He was trying to devour Louis, to take every little piece of him that could stow away for safekeeping in his heart.

Louis tipped his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. The moon hung heavy and full above them, only their silhouettes visible from the beach.

“I love you too Harry. I love you so much and it kills me that I have to leave you behind.”

They stayed in the water until Harry’s sobs became hiccups. They were both numb with the cold, their skin tinged blue. Louis led Harry out of the water and back up the sand to their pile of clothes. He helped him pull his t-shirt and hoodie over his damp skin, then turned his back while he dragged his wet pants down his legs and stepped into his jeans. When he was dressed, he slumped down onto the sand, his knees up as a rest for his elbows. Clifford went straight over to him, burrowing between his legs and pushing his head between the loop of his arms to lick his face. Louis watched them and quickly dressed; his soaking wet pants pushed into his pocket. Still neither of them spoke, their pain reaching into the depths of each other and twisting their guts. He reached over and cupped Harry’s elbow, helping him to his feet. He didn’t let go, guiding Harry up the steps to the pavement and across the road to their hotel.

That night, he was the one to hold Harry. Their single beds pushed together, he curled around Harry’s back, his arms enveloping him, and his face buried in his hair that smelled like sunshine and salt. They both wore only bottoms, their need for comfort from the contact of skin strong enough to overcome any awkwardness they might have felt. Louis traced his hand over Harry’s abs, his fingertips lightly dancing over the smooth flesh and unknowingly spreading electric. They slept the whole night knotted together from head to toe, both of them cherishing the moment and wishing things were different.

Notes:

I hope you all enjoyed that one! I've got a rough idea of what I'm doing with the next chapter so hopefully it should be up in the next couple of days. I have a few things to do for my degree, but I'll be doing as much writing as I can

Chapter 14: Does The One With The Cheekbones Know The Prince Is In Love With Him?

Summary:

Harry meets Jay for the first time and a boozy dinner pushes things in a different direction for him and Louis. Jay has a favour to ask Harry, but what will he choose to do?

Notes:

Sorry for the delay in getting this one out. I wanted a cute, fluffy chapter to break up the bucket list stuff but it will be back next time!

Music for this chapter is:

U2- Beautiful Day
Bon Jovi- Have A Nice Day
Fun- We Are Young
Andra Day - Rise Up

Louis leaned back in his chair and straightened his spine, enjoying the loud cracks as everything realigned. He had been bent over the kitchen table for the last couple of hours, filling his journal with memories of him and Harry; Brighton, walking in the park, selfies on the sofa. He had struggled to decide which pictures to use, every single one made his insides turn to liquid when he looked at them, his heart thudding behind his ribcage. He couldn’t deny that the handsome baker had completely taken him by surprise; he had always been there in the background, and he’d always been gorgeous. Louis had noticed that the first time he clocked eyes on him, but it had been in the same way he would notice a woman’s beauty; obviously there but of no interest to him. Now those same good looks set his body on fire, his golden soul enriched his heart. Louis was terrified; he hadn’t planned on ever having these kinds of feelings again. His mind had been made up a long time ago that the end of his life wouldn’t be natural, his need for peace from the screaming demons in his head was just too great. Harry quietened those demons but still they lurked, waiting for the perfect moment to leap up and drag him back under. There was no way he could put the responsibility on Harry’s shoulders, the weight would cripple them eventually, their love would fall apart, and Louis would be broken apart all over again. No, he couldn’t let it happen no matter how badly he wanted to. They had come so close to kissing in Brighton, more than once. The morning after their venture into the sea they had awoken tangled in each other. It was hard to tell where Louis ended and Harry began, their limbs entwined and their foreheads touching. Clifford had woken them, jumping on the bed to let Louis know he needed to go outside. The sun streamed over them from the French doors, warming their skin. There had been a moment where everything was forgotten, morning breath not even an issue, when Harry had dragged his nose around Louis’ jaw and over his mouth with his eyes closed and his mind lost in the delicacy of the early morning. Something had changed on Brighton beach; the intensity had deepened and their hunger for each other was undeniable. They were in love; the kind of love that only seemed possible between the pages of a romance novel. The kind of love that possessed you, that hollowed out your insides and filled you to your edges with warmth and comfort. If Louis had learned anything over the years, it was that life was cruel. He had met the right person for him, the only person for him and now he had to carry on knowing he was planning on breaking his heart.

He pushed himself away from the table and checked the time on his phone. His mum would be arriving soon for one of her semi-regular visits. He hadn’t seen her in person for a few months and excitement bubbled up inside of him. They had discussed his plans to go to Dignitas when he first made the enquiries, but this would be the first time they would have chance to talk about it in person. Jay had been as supportive as ever. Her heart was understandably broken, the sorrow of the situation breaking her in half. She was powerless to stop this happening and she had always sworn that her children would never be left alone without her support; this wasn’t something she had even considered she would have to deal with. But she was a powerhouse, a true hero amongst humanity and she had loaded it onto her own shoulders, taking the weight from her boy so he wouldn’t have to carry it alone.

The phone buzzed in Louis’ hand and a smile made its way to his lips before he even unlocked it. He knew it would be Harry, they spoke constantly throughout the day about everything and nothing.

Can’t wait for dinner tonight, hope your mum likes me! X

Louis knew that Jay would absolutely adore Harry, he was exactly the kind of person she had always wanted for him. They were so similar in many ways; both open and honest, both kind-hearted and generous, both thoughtful and supportive. They would no doubt form an immediate bond. Louis was counting on it; they could lean on each other when they needed it most. He tapped out a sassy reply, telling Harry that his mother would obviously hate him and that he better make sure he was on his best behaviour. As he hit send, the doorbell rang, and he shot through the house to let his mum in.

“Oh Boobear, there you are” Jay wrapped her son up in her arms, kissing all over his face with overexaggerated smacks. She held him out at arm's length, taking in his long shorts and capped-sleeved t-shirt. “You look fabulous! New clothes?” She didn’t mention the fact that he was showing more skin than he normally would, that he was letting his scars be seen but it hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Hi mum, I’ve missed you so much,” Louis breathed in the smell of his mum, unchanged since he was a child. It reminded him of comfort, of being at home. “Harry picked them out for me; I haven’t worn them outside yet. Just when we’re hanging out in the house or the garden.”

“Well Harry obviously has very good taste.” Jay winked at Louis and slid round him into the house. She put her case down in the hall and made for the kitchen, always ready to flick the kettle on at a moment's notice. “I’m going to make us a drink, and then you’re going to tell me all about this Harry I’ve been hearing so much about.”

“He’s a wonderful person mum. I don’t understand how he’s even real if I’m honest.” He knew his face had gone soft, could feel his eyes crinkling and his jaw relaxing into a smile.

“And hot too I see,” Jay was stood at the kitchen table, looking down at the open pages of Louis’ journal as the glue dried.

Louis blushed from his head to his feet, the boiling kettle providing the perfect soundtrack for how he felt. He had picked the most couple-y photos they’d ever taken to fill the pages and judging by the smile on Jay’s face, he wasn’t getting away with it. He said nothing, just turned away and busied himself making the drinks while his mum sniggered behind him.

“Okay, okay, I get it. But you’re not getting out of it that easy. Bring them brews over and explain it to me.”

Louis carried the drinks to the table and settled Jay’s in front of her before he pulled out a chair and sat down with a sigh.

“Go on then, ask me. I can see you’re dying to.” Louis sipped at his drink and watched his mum try to decide which of her million questions to ask first.

“I don’t know where to start. Erm, what are you guys? Friends? Lovers? Boyfriends? Has there been a secret wedding I haven’t heard about?” Jay was trying and failing to hide the excitement in her eyes as she reached over to wrap her fingers around Louis’ wrist. “Whatever it is Boobear, I’m happy for you.”

“We’re...I don’t really know mum. We’re friends at a minimum. We spend a lot of time together, do cool stuff, flirt A LOT. We’re not lovers, we haven’t even kissed. Definitely not boyfriends. But there’s something more there on both sides.”

“Yeah, these are not friendly photos. These are happily married to the love of your life photos. If there’s something more there, what’s stopping you?”

“I love him mum. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” His voice was barely a whisper as he watched the tea swirl around his mug, the steam rising into his face. “And I’m leaving soon. I couldn’t do that to him.”

From across the table, Jay let out a massive sigh. Her fingers tightened around him and started to stroke the side of his arm rhythmically; it was something she’d done ever since he was a kid and it always calmed him down.

“You’re already doing it to him baby.” Jay paused to let her words sink in and watched the realisation dawn over Louis’ face. She put her finger on the journal, pointing to Louis’ favourite picture that he’d taken in Brighton. “That is not a man who is ever going to be able to say goodbye without giving you a piece of his heart to take with you.”

“Do you think I should stop seeing him?! I don’t want to hurt him mum!” Louis was horrified; he knew that Harry loved him, had heard him scream it up the heavens while they floated in the sea, but he had never really thought about what this was doing to him. He felt selfish and entitled for laying claim to his time and ultimately his heart. But he hadn’t dreamed that someone like Harry might be so affected by his decision to check out.

“No! Definitely not, that’s not what I’m saying Lou. I just mean, that man is so obviously crazy about you. He’s going to hurt regardless. Why can’t you both enjoy some time together, make each other happy?” Jay’s lower lash line glimmered as tears gathered there in globes. The pain was evident in her eyes; she was already grieving the son that sat in front of her.

“I’m scared that if I let myself love him without restraint, that I won’t want to go to the clinic. And if I don’t go the clinic, I will break him anyway. I can’t expect him to take me on mum, not with the way I am. He deserves the world. Shit, he deserves a universe! And I can’t give him that. “

“Louis William Tomlinson, that is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard!” Jay had straightened up in her seat, her tone of voice transformed to the ‘mum voice’ Louis remembered from his childhood, whenever he had done something he wasn’t supposed to. “Fine, you’re not perfect. But no one is expecting you to be. You’re sassy with a dirty mouth, you laugh at inappropriate times, you refuse to wear socks most of the time even though your feet end up stinking. You have trauma from some truly horrendous things that happened to you that still affect you today. But do you know what else you are? You’re beautiful, literally drop dead gorgeous. You’re intelligent and insightful. You’re kind-hearted and generous. You always love with your full heart. You have the best laugh in the whole world, I don’t know anyone who could hear it and not laugh along with you. You’re hilarious and so goddamn witty. You have so much life inside of you, so much adventure just screaming to come out. I just wish I could let you look at yourself the way everyone else looks at you, you might not be so hard on yourself then Boo.”

Louis climbed out of his seat and straight into his mum’s open arms. He slid onto her lap carefully, not caring that he was a full-grown man or that he was far too big to be sitting there. He just wanted to bathe in the comfort she brought to him, that feeling of belonging and being right at home even in the furthest corners of the galaxy.

“Mum? Do you want to meet him?” Louis looked up into Jay’s face, his own smile reflected back to him. “I kinda invited him to eat with us tonight. Hope that’s okay?”

“I can’t wait to meet him, Lou. I can’t bloody wait.” Jay pressed a firm kiss to his forehead and pulled him back down into their hug. She wanted to savour this, the full body warmth of a cuddle from her biggest boy. She wanted to remember how he looked, how he smelled, how he felt. She wanted to remember it all now, before it was too late.

 

♥

Harry stood in front of the full-length mirror and twisted to the side the check the back; he’d decided to make an effort tonight for meeting Jay. Louis had warned him they were going to a nice restaurant; he liked to treat his mum whenever she was in London and tonight was doubly special because she’d get to meet Harry. He felt sick with nerves for some unexplained reason, he wanted to make a good impression and he desperately wanted Jay to like him.

His outfit was probably a bit out there for some people, but it was Harry to a tee, and he knew Louis would appreciate it. He’d chosen tapered black trousers that clung around his toned thighs and showcased his small but pert bottom. A slim fit black shirt was tucked into them, white buttons fastened all the way up to his throat. When he moved a certain way, his abs rippled beneath it, each individual ridge visible. A silver buckled chunky belt broke up the shirt and trousers, drawing attention to how the tight trousers stretched across his groin. Now he just had to hope there were none of his and Louis’ ‘intense’ moments or he’d be showing himself up to a restaurant full of people. Harry pulled the piece de resistance of his outfit from the hanger; the jacket. Somewhere between vintage military and swashbuckling pirate, the black velvet jacket was made to be worn open, the hem skimming his hips. Gold brocade detail flirted its way up his arms in a twisted flower-like design. Three decorative brass buttons held both sleeves closed tight around his wrists, while his collar was fully bordered in a rectangular block of the same shimmering gold. It drew attention to the taut skin of his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing where the two sides of his jacket almost met. Down the front panels, the swirling flower and vine theme continued, streamlining his already slim figure. Another row of brass buttons flitted down the right-hand side of his statement fashion piece, pulling the entire look together. The shop assistant had described him as “the hottest Disney prince he’d ever seen”. Harry had blushed a deep red and immediately handed over his credit card.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Harry slipped his feet into his favourite leopard print boots. They were an artistic clash with the jacket, somehow working despite the conflicting aesthetics. He had always had an eye for fashion, the ability to throw something together that others wouldn’t dream of coming naturally to him. He had left his long hair down; his freshly washed curls fell over his shoulders. Sweeping his fringe backwards, he took one final look in the mirror and headed out the door.

 

♥

 

Harry walked through Soho towards Bob Bob Ricard and glanced inquisitively into the busy bars and restaurants that lined the streets. The self-confessed LGBT district, Soho was nestled in the heart of London's West End. Tourists and locals alike flocked here for nights of wild entertainment, shopping and fine dining; no one left without a smile on their face and a song in their heart. Nervous theatregoers strolled past Harry; their eyes wide as they took in the red-light district of the capital, an almost nervous energy surrounding them as though just by being there they were doing something naughty. Across the road, a huddle of drag queens in 6-inch heels were smoking cigarettes, a full face of make up on but their wigs left behind. The night was still young, and things would get a lot more debauched before it was over.

Up ahead, Louis’ head poked slightly above the crowd. Harry broke into a clumsy jog, that didn’t make him move any faster, and held his jacket together to stop it flapping behind him. He stopped dead in front of Louis as he slowly turned to face him, his brilliant blue eyes igniting as he let them crawl up Harry’s body and settle on his face.

He was stunned, frozen in place at the sight of the angel in front of him. Louis had plumped for all black too; a tight turtleneck that clung to every curve and showcased his narrow waist. Even tighter black trousers, his juicy behind popping where he had dropped one hip. His jacket was buttoned at the waist, all black with silk lapels drawing Harry’s eyes up. And the hair, good God the hair! Slicked back flat to his head around the sides, the top whipped into a fifties quiff. The teddy boy style only drew more attention to his razor-sharp cheekbones and feline eyes; his cheeks dimpled from the close-lipped smile he was giving Harry. He was suffocating every second he looked at him, but he didn’t want to stop. The world had paused in its tilt, slamming to a stop the moment their eyes met across the busy street. They would begin to tumble soon surely; the wonderful nervous discomfort that pulled at Harry’s insides could not simply be love, he must be falling.

“Close your mouths boys, I’m ready to go and eat.” Jay stood to the side, looking between the two of them as their necks whipped round to look at her. It took them both a second to realise where they were, who they were even, before they both sprang into action.

“Mrs Tomlinson, I am so sorry for being rude. I’m Harry, Harry Styles.” He took Jay’s hand between his own, leaning into her to place a kiss on her cheek.

“It’s Jay, please.” She squeezed Harry’s hand, puckering her lips as he kissed her and making a smacking noise. “I kind of guessed who you were when my son spotted you and muttered ‘fuck me’.”

“Jesus Christ mum! Thirty years out of the womb and you’re still trying to mortify me!” Louis pulled an apologetic face, but he still couldn’t contain his smile. “You look gorgeous Harry, really. You actually look like a Disney prince, it’s uncanny!” Harry flushed with pride, the words of the shop assistant coming back to him. Trust Louis to make the same comparison.

“You’re one to talk. You look like a vintage model, all cheekbones and tailoring! And Jay, you look stunning. You’re the picture of elegance!” Jay was bringing a pop of colour to the evening. Clad in a fitted red dress, her curves were perfectly outlined with a fishtail skirt and bodice top. The sweetheart neckline swelled over her chest, a simple gold pendant sitting between her collarbones. Her brunette hair was swept up in a French pleat, curly tendrils escaping around her face. Louis was the absolute double of his mum; the same blue eyes stared at Harry from Jay’s face, the same quirked smile and facial expressions.

“I’ll take that! Well Harry, so far, it’s been an absolute pleasure, but I think it’s time we got inside that restaurant. I could eat a scabby horse!”

 

Bob Bob Ricards was an absolute dream for Harry; he’d walked past so many times and pined to eat here but he’d always felt a bit sad coming on his own and none of his friends were bothered enough about the place to stretch to their prices. The interior was an absolute dream; flamboyant and decadent, it screamed class. Every table was a private booth and fitted with a ‘PUSH FOR CHAMPAGNE’ button that alerted a server to your needs without a word. The entire place was based on the Orient Express, so vintage glamour was heavily integrated into everything. They fitted in beautifully, such a head-turning trio that they made waves through the restaurant as they were led to their seats.

It quickly shaped into the best night of Harry’s life; Jay was an absolute scream and gave an insight into exactly what Louis was like underneath his insecurities. She had a way of being utterly filthy while still somehow keeping it discreet. They had laughed until they cried, their stomach’s aching and cramping. The champagne was going down like no one’s business, Louis waving his hand every time Jay or Harry offered to open another tab and buy a bottle. As the food came out, their jaws dropped. Even the starters were fabulous; steak tartare with caviar, cheese souffle with hazelnuts and ginger chutney, Russian dumplings and forest mushrooms. They were loosened up enough to fall on the food like starving men at a banquet, sharing pieces of their own with each other, moaning and groaning at the exciting mesh of flavours. It just kept coming; salmon poached in white wine, lobster macaroni cheese, beef wellington with truffles.

By the time they got to dessert, each of them was gloriously pissed, the colour high in their cheeks and their laughing louder than ever. Jay had just popped her souffle and chuckled filthily as it deflated, and Louis was making short work of his crème brûlée. Harry had ordered some dark chocolate and coffee creation but all he could think about was drizzling the hot chocolate sauce on every inch of Louis and lathing his tongue all over him until he was completely clean. His tight trousers were not very forgiving for the large erection that was now straining his fly and he couldn’t quite bring himself to spoon the dessert into his mouth.

“You alright Harold? You’re not going to chunder over the table, are you?” Louis giggled, spooning another spoonful of his dessert into his mouth.

“He’s got that look all teenage boys get when you catch them up to no good,” Jay added, sending a wink over the table to Harry while Louis wasn’t looking. “I’m going to nip to the loo,” she added, still looking in Harry’s direction. It was like she could see into his mind, and he was slightly concerned that she might have seen what he was doing to her son up there.

“Mission accomplished Haz, she fucking loves you. Maybe even a bit more than me actually.” Louis leaned over and dug his spoon into the chocolate dessert and Harry watched as the chocolate coated his lips, his tongue coming out behind the spoon to lick it off. This really wasn’t helping.

“I feel like she can read my mind, it’s that thing all mum’s can do when they know what exactly what you’re thinking, even if you don’t.” He wriggled in his seat again, lifting his leg up slightly and out to side to try and rearrange the bulge in his trousers.

Louis’ eyes flicked down, catching the movement. A sultry smile stole across his lips, his eyes darkening as he slowly lifted them back up to meet Harry’s. The other man’s pupils were blown, a sheen of sweat dusting his brow. He looked nervous.

“And what would she find in your head Harold? Hmm?” He knew exactly what he was doing to Harry and he kind of liked it. The power was completely in his hands, he was in control. This beautiful Tarzan lookalike was coming undone in front of a full restaurant and it was all because of him. He brought more of the chocolate dessert to his mouth, turning the spoon over and letting it drag down over his tongue, the tip curling at the end to get every bit of the hot sauce. Harry cleared his throat and squirmed in his seat again, a red flush crawling up his throat.

“Lou, please. I’m trying so hard to stay respectful and it’s... it’s really, really hard.”

Louis leant over to look under the table, catching sight of the tent in Harry’s trousers.

“I can see that H. I can see that very clearly.” His voice was low and soft, each syllable dragged out for a beat longer than his usually Yorkshire twang. This was a side of Louis he’d never seen, but he liked this posh boy seduction side that had been brought out of him.

“Dear God, what are you doing to me! I’m about to cum in my pants in public like a pre-teen. I didn’t mean THAT! I meant it’s hard to stay respectful like I want to be when you’re sitting there looking like that, being your usual amazing self and giving fellatio to a spoon that’s covered in hot chocolate sauce!”

“What if... what if we weren’t always respectful?” Harry’s head shot round to Louis, his dick twitching against the seam of his pants. He hissed to stifle a moan and watched as the smaller man smirked, his tongue pushed into his cheek.

“I think that might be the champagne talking pal.”

“I’m pretty certain it isn’t. Okay, maybe a little bit of it. But have you seen you?”

Harry reached across the table to hold Louis’ hand, his fingertips tracing patterns on his palm.

“The only problem is, I want to respect you, Louis. Don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted to throw someone up against a wall and lick every inch of them this much, well, ever.” His lips were pressed against Louis’ ear by now, each word dripping like honey inside of him. “But I want the whole shebang. I want the build-up, I want the passion, I want the connection. I want to make you feel so fucking good that you see stars. I want you to moan my name against my mouth, I want you to pull my hair.” He could feel the heat building in Louis’ skin, his breath hitching and cracking as he started to feel the same tension as Harry. “I want you to bite down on my shoulder, I want to make your skin come alive with a thousand tiny touches. I want to feel your heart pounding under my hands. And I want to watch you come undone, I want to coax you through the most intense orgasm of your life. I want to feel you shake in my arms while you bite your lip.”

“Fuck...Harry,” Louis literally gasped, his skin flaming. For the first time in a long time, the hardness in his pants wasn’t spontaneous; it had been born through genuine desire. Desire that was now nipping at his gut and turning his organs to mush. Desire that made his fingertips dance against his thigh in an effort to not reach for Harry’s fly.

“So, let’s not rush it, Louis. Let’s say that it’s definitely on the table, but let’s take our sweet time about it.” Harry wrapped his lips around Louis’ earlobe and nipped it gently with his teeth, moaning low in his throat when he heard the hiss of breath force its way out of the other man’s mouth. He pulled away, danger flashing in his eyes and his bottom lip between his teeth. Ultimately, he had no idea where that had come from, his blood pressure was rocketing, nerves firing through him at great speed. But he felt good, he felt alive and free. It felt amazing to finally say out loud just how much he was affected by the dynamo that was Louis Tomlinson.

Neither of the men had noticed Jay come out of the bathroom and take a seat at the bar. They hadn’t noticed her fond gaze, watching as they whispered close to each other with absolutely no idea what they were saying. She knew it must be something good, Louis looked like his head was about to explode. It was enough for her to see him happy; she didn’t need to know what they were talking about and probably wouldn’t want to. As they straightened up, she slid off her bar stool, collecting her cocktail from the coaster. Just as she was about to walk away, the bartender called her back, gesturing to the table where Harry and Louis were sharing the chocolate dessert.

“Excuse me madam, but does the one with the cheekbones know that the prince is in love with him?”

Jay laughed loudly, her heart filling with joy. They were so obvious that even the bartender had noticed and yet they still thought they were slick.

“Do you know what sweetheart; I think it might finally be sinking in.”

 

♥

None of them wanted to walk to the station and wait for a tube. They were high on good food, good champagne and good company. They were high on life. Louis had paid the entire bill, shoving both Harry and Jay away every time they tried to sneak a look at the total or throw their own card onto the silver tray.

“I have more than enough money from the settlement that has sat doing nothing for years. Let me spend it showing you both a good time please.”

There had been no more arguments, even when he said he was hailing a black cab to take them back to the flat. He hadn’t even asked if Harry wanted dropping off at home, he had rightly assumed that he would come back for a while, none of them wanting the night to end.

“Oh, I love my boys,” Jay crooned, sitting between them and holding both of their hands. “Harry you’ve slotted straight in love, it’s like you’ve always been here. Thank you for taking such good care of my boy.” She snuggled into Harry’s shoulder as he slotted an arm around her.

“He takes care of me really Jay, he’s just the best kind of person to be around. I could watch him for hours.”

“Erm excuse me Harold, I am not a zoo animal for you to watch mince around my cage, thank you very much!” Louis feigned offence, tipping his nose in the air and turning to look out of the window as they sped through the London night. Harry lifted his hand from Jay’s arm, stretching further and putting it on the bare skin at the back of Louis’ neck. He let his fingers tangle in the ducktail of hair at the nape, pulling gently to send shivers over his scalp. It worked and Louis leaned his head back further into Harry’s palm.

“You’re not an animal... you’re cinema. Graceful, elegant, exciting, comforting, heart-warming...all the ‘ings’. I could watch you for hours.” Harry meant every word, not one bit of it trite or insincere.

The taxi pulled up outside the flat, Louis stuffing a handful of notes through the gap and yelling ‘KEEP THE CHANGE!’ unnecessarily loudly as he stumbled out of the car and up the path. Harry waited for Jay to climb out, offering his arm for stability and linking her to guide her up to the front door. Louis had left it wide open, and Clifford sat on the doorstep, backlit by the hallway spotlights.

“What a gentleman you are! And you don’t come across fake or slimy either. What a fantastic catch you are.” Jay staggered slightly on the uneven step. She was at the gushy stage of drunk, loving everyone and everything around her.

“Thank you, “he replied, somewhat bashfully. “My mum brought me up to respect everyone and to show women that chivalry isn’t dead, even when I have no sexual interest.” He smiled at the thought of his mum, he really needed to arrange to get her down here to meet Louis as soon as possible. He wanted to watch her fall in love with him the same way he had.

“Sorry I left you guys! All that vibrating really didn’t do my bladder any favours. Right, I vote we all slip into our comfies, proceed in an orderly fashion to the sofa and play stupid games. Harry, you staying?” Louis enquired, mainly for his mum’s benefit; he didn’t need to ask whether he was staying, it always just kind of happened. He would fall asleep on the sofa somewhere around 9pm, unable to hold back any longer. Louis would tuck him in and press a kiss to his head. He would always wake up at some point to a warm body curled in bed next to him, strong arms holding him closely and gentle fingers stroking his skin. It had stopped startling him a long time ago and Harry had picked up on that.

“Can I borrow some clothes?” He was already turning towards the bedroom to get changed, Clifford circling his feet and nosing at his dangling hands.

“Your stuff is still in my bottom drawer.”

Harry left the room and Jay stood in front of Louis, hands on her hips and a knowing look on her face.

“Go on mum, you can say it.” Louis stripped his jacket off, hanging it over the back of the chair until he could be bothered to hang it up.

“Tell me again why you aren’t together? I know, I know; you don’t want to drag him into everything to break his heart but Lou, he’s already there. I saw you both, holding hands and whispering sweet nothings in the restaurant. I noticed him stroking the back of your neck in the taxi. He’s spent the night being sweet to your old mother, hanging off every word you say and unable to take his eyes off you. He’s all in.”

Louis stood before his mother, leaning with one arm on the chair that held his jacket. He chewed nervously at his lip and furrowed his brow; the alcohol had muddled his mind and suddenly he couldn’t think of a valid reason why they weren’t giving it a go. They’d both gone past the point of a crush weeks ago, the sexual tension and immense feelings hitting them like a freight train. This had been thoroughly unexpected and it scared Louis, he had vowed he would never need anyone ever again, that he would never allow someone so much space in his heart that they had the potential to break it. But Harry had come in, a breath of fresh air that reached inside of him and shook up everything he knew.

“What if when he gets close to me, he realises I’m not the person he thinks I am? What if he’s disappointed?” Louis looked at his mum pleadingly, her expression falling in sadness at the sound of her son’s insecurity.

“Listen to me Boobear, I’m only going to say this the once. He sees you, okay. I think he’s the first person that has ever taken the time to peel your layers back and see the real you behind all that sass and bravado. Harry knows exactly who you are, and that’s why he loves you so deeply. He doesn’t need to take anything from you to make himself feel good, he just wants to add to your life. He knows you, totally and completely. He knows everything about you and still, he looks at you like you hung the moon.”

“I’m not interrupting, am I?” Harry appeared in the doorway, looking nervously between Jay and Louis. He was wearing his slightly battered, white Fleetwood Mac t-shirt that he’d found in an old thrift store in Camden. It was a woman’s really, but he’d whooped with joy at the find. “I like it, I want it, I’m going to wear it. Who cares what side of the shop it’s on?” His legs were poking out of the dark tartan shorts Louis had donated to him for his overnighters; fuzzy dark hairs curled from his ankles to his thighs, enough to seem manly and set off a buzz inside of Louis but sparse enough to still show off his tattoos. The infamous tiger, that they had dubbed his Austin Power’s tattoo one laughter-filled night, was peeking out of the bottom of his shorts. His big feet were hidden in slouchy grey knit socks, one foot curled around the other and rubbing rhythmically. With his hair in a messy bun on the top of his head, his face looked youthful and open. How could he go from rock God sex symbol to adorable boy next door so quickly?

“Of course, not love, come and sit here with me,” Jay settled on the sofa, Clifford immediately jumping into the narrow space between her thighs and the side. She patted the seat on the other side, smiling gently at Harry as he crossed the room and sat down.

“I’m just going to get changed.” Louis left the room, his hands rubbing over his tired face as he tried to make sense of his thoughts.

“Jay, have I upset him?” Harry looked worried, his face an almost exact replica of Louis’ a few minutes ago. His brow knitted, his eyes wide and watery. His lips were turned down at the corners, quivering as he tried to stop himself from crying.

“Definitely not. I’ve just given him some food for thought. And now I’m going to do the same for you. Why aren’t you and my son together Harry? You’re mad for each other, that much is obvious. What’s the hold up?”

His insides went cold, dread soaking through him. It sounded like he was about to get a lecture. He looked straight into Jay’s face, trying to give her the respect she deserved, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw warmth there. She wasn’t angry, just curious.

“I don’t want to push him or pressure him in any way. I made the promise to myself that I wouldn’t be selfish and put my feelings above his. I want him to be in control.”

“That’s very noble Harry and, as his mother, I appreciate how considerate you obviously are. But if you’re waiting on Louis to make the move, I can promise you that you’ll wait forever. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for you; he’s scared that if you get too close, you’ll realise that he wasn’t worth the effort.”

“None of what I do with Louis is an effort, it’s a pleasure to just be around him. When we spend time together, it’s like the colour in everything has been dialled up, like the world has come alive. He’s worth every minute of my time.” It hurt Harry’s heart that Louis might think that all the fun they were having was just a project for him, that his interest was solely in ticking off the bucket list or passing the time of day. When they were apart, he craved Louis’ presence, nothing felt quite right, like a quiet unease had settled over his skin and couldn’t be shaken.

“I know, I’ve seen the photos. No one can fake genuine happiness that well son. And I understand that you want this to be his decision but sometimes we have to take the lead on these things. Louis knows what he wants, and he knows that it’s you, but he’s shit scared. Every now and again that old streak of bravery shines through and it’s like the old version of boy is back; that didn’t happen before he met you. You make him strong.”

“So, what do you think I should do?” Harry’s mouth was dry; he suddenly felt extremely nervous. There had been a safety net in letting Louis take the lead, a security that meant he could just sit back and enjoy the journey. He didn’t have to think too hard about how rejection may sting, how his heart may forever be incomplete if Louis turned him down. Now here was his mum, the person who knew him best in the world, telling Harry to man up and face it, basically.

“Save my baby Harry. You are the only thing that stands between him and that clinic. And I know I shouldn’t put that amount of pressure on your shoulders, but I’m desperate.” Jay ducked her head as the tears started to build behind her eyes.

“Jay I can’t... I don’t want to manipulate him into changing his mind. My heart is breaking but I can’t go against his wishes if this is what he truly wants.” He reached over and took the woman’s hand, their relationship suddenly deepening with the shared ache of Louis’ leaving them.

“And I wouldn’t ask you to Harry, if I thought that he was still as sold on the idea as he always was. He’s wavering, I can see it all over his face. You’ve done something that no professional has ever been able to do, you’ve shown him the good side of life again and you’ve reminded him of what happiness feels like. And that has shaken Louis to his very core; he’s no longer sure that he wants to go. But he’s also stubborn, and if he thinks holding back from you will take away the risk of getting hurt again, then that’s exactly what he’ll do.”

Harry sat back in his seat and chewed at the skin around his fingernails. He had thought that maybe he was imagining just how much Louis seemed to have changed for the better. He was still the same warm, kind cupcake of a man that he had always been, but he was brighter somehow. He no longer pulled at his clothes to make them longer and hide even the tips of his fingers, he didn’t walk into the bakery with his eyes downcast and a tremble in his lip. He didn’t shy away from Harry’s touch or seductive words in his ear. Maybe they really could make it. Or maybe Harry would be left to grieve the love of his life in the coming new year. Either way, he was done for.

Chapter 15: You Make Me Feel Brand New

Summary:

Harry and Louis continue there will they/won't they friendship. Harry takes Louis on a boy's night out and introduces him to a familiar face. Louis rediscovers a side of himself he'd almost forgotten. But will it change things between him and Harry?

Notes:

Firstly I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone that's following this story along; honestly I didn't ever think anyone would read my writing when I started doing this so the comments and messages are so heart-warming to read. I'm having trouble with my italics again. I'm so frustrated because it works for some parts and not others. Gah!

This is going to be another long one, we'll probably find the lengths varying now but gradually getting longer as we get towards the end. It is a split chapter too, there was so much that I had planned out that it could easily have been double the length so I decided to cut it in half so that I didn't have to skim over it all. This is a pivotal point for them both so I needed to take my time with it.

We do have a sort of introduction to smut in this chapter but nothing too heavy. I'm not sure how much smut we'll end up with; I'm the worst author so I set out a rough outline and let the characters write their own stories as we go. There's still quite a way to go in their story so we'll be here for a while yet- sorry!

Music for this chapter (there's a few this time around as I wanted to add all their go to karaoke songs in there) is:

She Moves In Her Own Way- The Kooks
Feeling Good - Muse
Why Am I Like This? - Orla Gartland
Alright- Supergrass
Act My Age- One Direction
Sex Bomb - Tom Jones
Staying AIive - The BeeGees
Born This Way - Lady Gaga
Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
Big Spender - Shirley Bassey
You Make Me Feel Brand New- Simply Red

August slammed in, the oppressive heat only getting worse. Louis couldn’t remember the last time a British summer had actually been summer and not a weak excuse for it; beads of sweat rolled down his back as he dragged himself across the grass to Canyon Moon. Clifford panted beside him; his tongue already dry where it hung out of the side of his mouth.

“Nearly there lad, Harry will have a nice bowl of ice water for you,” he soothed, his hand settling on top of the curly head bobbing along at his thigh.

It had been a month since his mum had visited. A month since Harry had gotten drunk and horny in the restaurant. Sometimes the words he had purred into Louis’ ears ricocheted round his head late at night, his brain working hard to conjure the mental images to go with them. He had missed fantasising about sex, once his favourite pastime, and he could safely say his imagination certainly hadn’t suffered after the break. A few nights ago, Louis had instinctively wrapped his hand around himself, gently jerking his painfully hard erection that had been aching for his attention. Before then, he had only touched around himself, dragging his nails over the sensitive skin of his inner thighs and brushing his fingertips over his balls. Masturbation had been an extremely sore subject for him, impossible to enjoy as trauma took over and pushed flashbacks and moving memories of Jack’s face into his mind as he came towards his peak. He had started to associate having a wank with guilt, terrified that he was getting off over the abuse he had suffered. This time, he had been able to let go, to just enjoy the sensation of self-love with only Harry on his mind. He had pictured those full, red lips raw from the frenzied kisses and bites, dragging over every part of him, his tongue following behind and leaving a trail of cool saliva. He could almost feel the sucks on his nipples, the teeth grazing the sensitive nubs. The slow creep of strong hands down his abdomen, fingers carding through his pubic hair and drifting over the base of his cock. Those same hands closing around his tip, smearing slick down over it and twisting around it...

“Stop it Louis, you’re going to get arrested.” Thinking back to that night was getting him even hotter under the collar and the last thing he needed was the schoolkids playing football to see some man with a dog and an erection and start screaming ‘STRANGER DANGER!’.

Louis paused outside the bakery to take in the new window display; even though he could and did have as much free stuff as he could eat, there was something sweeter about winning a cupcake. A black silhouette of two men holding hands was stuck on the window, their heads turned away from each other. Off to the side of them was a row of cameras made of cardboard; behind them Harry had fitted a white strobe that flashed occasionally, making it look as though the men were having their picture taken. In the middle of the window was a mic on a stand, an amp next to it with a set of headphones discarded on the top. Hanging from the ceiling of the window was a mixture of gold CDs, red paper hearts and STOP signs. The floor was scattered with empty alcohol bottles and cigarette boxes. Louis’ favourite part had to be the shop mannequin in the corner wearing trousers pulled up to its chest and an angry Simon Cowell mask. He knew right away which book this was. He strutted into the bakery with confidence, ready to get his name on that leader board.

Liam looked up from behind the counter as the bell dinged and smiled widely at Louis.

“Hey mate! Feels like I haven’t seen you for ages. What can I get you?”

“Morning Li. Cappuccino with whipped cream and a certain baker if you can indulge me? How’s Rei and Alba?”

Liam leaned back and looked into the kitchen. “HARRY, LOUIS’ HERE! Yeah, they’re grand, thanks. Alba is turning one in a few weeks, so Rei is throwing herself into party planning. Think I’m best off here out of her way if I’m honest.” Liam started to load up the coffee machine, turning briefly to smile at Louis every couple of minutes. “Can I trust I’ll see you at the party? Please say yes, I need the support!”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Louis felt warmth spread across his chest, he was beyond honoured to be invited to Alba’s birthday party. It was the sort of normal, everyday thing people did with their friend’s children, but it was something that had never been on Louis’ radar. No one wanted the depressive standing in the corner while their little darling blew out their candles. This was just further proof of how much Harry had brought into his life, he was beyond lucky to have them all.

“Hi,” Harry appeared from the back of the shop, wide grin plastered over his face, his hair piled on top of his head with a clip, his apron coated in flour. As he came closer, Louis noticed a smudge of flour on the end of his nose, and he didn’t think twice about reaching out and wiping it away with his thumb.

“Flour,” he said, lifting his hand up to show Liam who was hanging in the background looking at him knowingly. He sucked in his lips in to prevent him from laughing, giving Louis a disbelieving nod in reply. “Wanker,” Louis laughed along with him, turning his attention back to Harry.

“Always keeping me presentable. To what do I owe this pleasure?” Harry unfastened his apron and stuck a mug under the coffee machine. He gestured to it, silently asking Louis if he wanted one.

“No, I’m still good thanks,” Louis replied, holding up his full mug. “I wouldn’t mind a bowl of water for Cliff though, poor kid is melting. I came here to get my name on that leader board Harold. That window is If This Gets Out by Sophie Gonzales and Cale Dietrich. A weak effort at foiling me, if I may be so bold.”

Harry grabbed one of their designated dog bowls from under the counter and dropped several ice cubes into it, topping it up with water from the cooler. His eyes flicked up when Louis mentioned the book. There was that smile again, fond and tight-lipped as he looked from under his eyebrows.

“I expect you’ll want to claim your prize while you drink that diabetes in a cup?” Harry gestured to the cappuccino in front of him, piled high with the friend’s bonus amount of cream, chocolate flakes and a biscotti poking out of it. Liam had outdone himself.

“Obviously,” Louis replied, heavily exaggerating the word and stretching his eyes wide. He watched Harry walk around the counter and put the water down next to their usual breakfast table. He released the harness and let Clifford settle over there, his velvet tongue dipping in and out of the bowl with speed.

“Just let me wash my hands.” Harry stood with his back to Louis, lathering himself halfway up his forearms and leaning over to rinse under the hot tap. There was something mesmerising about the way he rubbed his hands together, the strong fingers interlocking with each other, lacing palm over back, thumbs circling each other. Underneath the khaki green Canyon Moon t-shirt his back muscles rippled and flexed with the movement and his slim hips moved side to side as he twisted to rinse all the bubbles off. By the time he turned round to face Louis, he was greeted with a red face and a slack jaw. “Are you okay? You look a bit flushed.”

His brain did not engage before Louis blurted out, “I had a wank,” just as Niall chose to walk out of the office. He felt himself wither with shame, his mouth pursed and eyes squeezed shut.

“Right....I think I’ll just go back in here then...erm... well done? I don’t really know what else to sa... yeah.” He turned back the way he came, his shoulders shaking with repressed laughter.

Harry looked at Louis, his luminescent eyes popping out of his head and a bemused look on his face. “Shall we talk about that when we sit down? Not that I don’t want to know, you just look a bit embarrassed.”

“Bit of a fucking understatement,” Louis said quietly, turning with his coffee and trudging to their table. He folded into the seat and buried his head in his arms, cursing himself and his brutal honesty.

“Li, watch the counter can you please?” Harry shouted into the kitchen before making his way over to Louis. He sat down carefully in front of him and put a hand on his cheek to make him raise his head. “Don’t be embarrassed, it's fantastic news! I’m so proud of you!” And he did seem genuinely proud, at least now the shock had worn off.

“I was thinking of how to explain what I was doing and it just... fell out of my head. Poor Niall will be traumatised.”

“‘Poor Niall’ has told me enough about his own knuckle-shuffling to last me a lifetime, he has no room to judge anyone.” Harry took a sip of his coffee, his eyes appearing over the rim and never leaving Louis for a second.

“Still, I’m mortified.”

“Don’t be, tell me about it.” It was Harry’s turn to blush. “I mean, I’m not asking for details... unless you want to... I just meant... Jesus Christ what a pair we make.” He placed his forehead on the table, his body shaking as he laughed. “Louis, please. You have the floor. Tell me all about your experience of burping the worm.”

Both men spluttered with laughter, startling Clifford from his impromptu nap beneath their feet. Without even realising their hands had clasped over the table, such a natural show of affection for them now that it came effortlessly.

“Well Harry, it was actually pretty good!” Louis had forgotten his embarrassment, the power of laughing with Harry unmeasured. “I’ve been building up to it for a while. Just touching close to it, y’know? My thighs, my stomach, my, erm, balls. But the other night it just... happened. I hadn’t even noticed what I was doing until the first stroke. And the feeling was just... wow! I’d forgotten what it was like, the whole doing it yourself thing.”

“Well... I... shit... sorry Lou, I’m being really inappropriate in my head,” Harry was shuffling his seat, the tell-tale blush creeping up his neck.

“You’re picturing it aren’t you, you filthy little pervert?” Louis gently nipped the soft skin on the underside of Harry’s wrist and relished in the small squeak that came from between his lips.

“Maybe a little bit.” He smiled coyly, desire flashing behind the jade of his eyes.

“Well, I’ll let you in on a secret...,” Louis leaned across the table, putting his mouth as close to Harry’s ear as he possibly could. “I was thinking about you too.”

Harry jolted as though he’d been electrocuted, a heavy breath shuddering out of him as Louis pulled away and sat back in his seat. Their eyes locked onto each other, both with blown pupils and very clearly turned on.

“Me?! I was the star of your show?!”

“Don’t sound so surprised. Ever since you whispered that filth in my ear at Bob’s, I haven’t been able to think about anything else.” Louis’ voice was low and sultry, his throat tight. “I think I’m getting that side of me back Harry... because of you. I didn’t...y’know,” Louis made a squelching sound with his mouth, clenching unclenching his fist to demonstrate his point. “But I think I could, if I keep trying. So... erm... how do I ask this question?”

Harry’s face was serious as he watched Louis scramble for words. “Do you want me to help you cum Louis?”

“Fuck... yes please. I don’t want you to... I’m not ready for you to...”

“You want me to help you cum while you touch yourself. I get it. I’m sure I could do that.”

Louis was mesmerised; watching his sinful mouth form the words made his cock twitch against his jeans. Hearing him talk about making Louis cum in public where anyone could walk in and hear them was sending him wild. He had a way with words that made sure Louis felt valid in choices, that didn’t make him feel pressured or weird for holding part of himself back. He was excited to be part of the journey, finding the same erotic heat in this that Louis was.

“We definitely need to change the subject or it’s going to happen here at the table. And that has to be a violation of some health code or other.”

Harry lifted Louis’ hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to his palm letting the tip of his tongue protrude slightly. Louis shivered, goosebumps breaking out from his scalp and travelling down his whole body.

“So, tonight,” Harry spoke, his entire demeanour changing as if he hadn’t just licked the palm of Louis’ hand across the table. “I’m thinking we head out about 9pm so we can eat at yours first? Meet the boys at the bar, loosen up a bit and erm... sing some karaoke?”

“Oh my God! You’ve arranged karaoke night?! That’s fantastic Harry, I can’t wai...Oh. That means I’ve got to get drunk tonight doesn’t it.”

“Yep,” Harry popped the ‘p’ and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. “And after this conversation... well I can’t wait.” He stood abruptly, his eyes mentally undressing Louis as he walked away from the table and went back behind the counter.

 

♥

“This is us.” Harry grabbed Louis’ hand as the tube pulled into Bond Street, pressing the button to release the doors and practically skipping out of the carriage.

“I wish you’d just tell me where we’re going, you know I hate surprises.”

Harry’s head whipped back over his shoulder; his mouth twisted in an incredulous smile. “Bull. Shit. You absolutely love all this you little liar!” He pulled Louis forward and tucked him into his armpit. Louis preened under his gaze and swiped his fringe to one side,

“I don’t know what you mean Styles.”

They emerged out onto the street and were immediately shrouded in luxury. Black cabs zipped up and down the road and late-night revellers in designer gear tottered in too-high heels towards the cocktail bars and restaurants. Harry was like a chameleon, he seemed just as home here as he did in Camden or BOXPARK; so effortlessly cool that he was just accepted into any fold with his quiet confidence. He certainly looked the part; a tight fitted white shirt covered in little red hearts and tucked into black leather pants. His long hair was half up, half down in a man bun. Somehow a look that should have screamed pre-schooler was giving off deeply erotic vibes. He was like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, just waiting for the right moment to pounce. Louis started to worry about his own outfit. For his first boy’s night out in forever and fuelled by the bottle of wine they had shared with their dinner, he had decided to forgo the long sleeves and be brave. He opted for all black, easy to blend into corners of a club that way. His skinny jeans accented all his best bits; the juicy curve of his bum and meaty thighs right down to his slender ankles where they were folded into a cuff. He was wearing an oversized tee; the chest and sleeves almost sheer with a darker panel that started just above his nipples for a bit of modesty. His arms were completely exposed, his scars and tattoos mashed together for all to see. He had seen the way Harry had looked at him before they left with a raging hunger that was barely contained; it had made him feel almost confident. Now he wasn’t so sure.

“Stop it.” Harry squeezed the top of his arm in support, leaning down to talk into his ear.

“Stop what?”

“You look edible. Literally good enough to eat.” They had stopped in the middle of the street. Harry manoeuvred Louis in front of him, his hands clasped around his upper arms. “If you’re not comfortable, we can turn around and go home now. Just say the word.”

“No. You’ve planned this night out, in fucking Mayfair no less, which is bound to be amazing. I think I just need to get in there and get a few drinks down me.” He forced what he hoped was a reassuring smile and tried his best not to quiver. He knew how much effort would have gone into this and he didn’t want to let Harry down.

“Okay. But at any point, if you’ve had enough. Just say the word and we leave, no questions asked, and no explanation needed. You got it?”

Louis nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He had been in bars since he moved to London, he’d had a small sample of the nightlife before he realised that having to be so drunk you could barely see just to order a drink wasn’t a good sign.

“In here.” Harry led Louis through what looked like a restaurant had been mashed with a strip club. The dishes on the surrounding tables were exquisite; there was a definite Heston Blumenthal vibe going on and the decor was like nothing Louis had ever seen. His eye was immediately drawn to a large neon light in the shape of a fish, below which was an open kitchen and dozens of chefs in whites bustling about. One of them shouted over and raised a hand to Harry which he acknowledged in his usual polite way without stopping. Louis couldn’t keep his head still, turning from side to side to look at the eclectic decoration that seemed to throb with the beat of the unrecognisable background music. They headed for a staircase that led them down into a darkened bar.

It was like an acid trip; staff milled around in uniforms that were more costume party than Mayfair cocktail bar. The Mad Hatter swerved past them with a full tray above his head, the cast of A Clockwork Orange mixing behind the bar. A girl in an extremely short Alice costume was collecting glasses from empty tables. The bar itself was in the centre of the room and looked like an old market cart but illuminated with bright white lights and stocking every drink you could imagine. Old metal wheels adorned the outside of it, chipped paint seeming to be an aesthetic rather than typical pub wear and tear. The sign read “CircusXO” and the vibe was iconic. A cheer went up from a table in the corner; five rowdy looking lads with a table full of weird and wonderful drinks.

Niall’s voice was the first Louis heard over the buzz of the music.

“HEY, IT’S MY FAVOURITE ‘IT’ COUPLE!” His face was already flushed red, his eyes wide and glassy. He jumped up to greet them, knocking the table and spilling everyone’s drinks over the edges of their glasses. “I fucking love you two, y’know. Bestest friends ever.” He wrapped an arm round each of them and staggered backwards. Liam saw an opportunity and grabbed the back of his shirt to get him back in his seat.

“Everyone, this is Louis!” He waved awkwardly as Harry introduced him and tried to make himself look around the table. “Louis, this is Nick Grimshaw, a friend of mine from way back when I first moved here. Don’t listen to a word he says, it’s likely to be bullshit.”

“I’ll tell you all the dirt later when he’s preoccupied with the beautiful barman,” Nick drawled, winking at Louis. He was surprised to find the statement stung, he hadn’t expected to be treated like Harry’s boyfriend, but he thought that it might have been acknowledged that he was at least his date. A spike of jealousy hit his gut; another regained emotion to tick off his list.

“Nick, shut your face. No barmen for me tonight, pal. This is Ed,” Harry gestured to an elfin looking guy with chubby cheeks and ginger hair. He smiled brightly and waved but didn’t even try to make conversation from his position in the corner, it would have been a pointless exercise that no one would have heard. “Ed’s a singer, does a lot of pubs and clubs, bit of busking sometimes. But he’s going to be a huge star! I can feel it in my left tit!” The entire table laughed at Harry’s joke as he comically squeezed his pec.

“Obviously you know Liam and this daft fucker, our Nialler. And this is...,”

“Zayn!!” Louis was stunned, the room swirling around him as he found himself looking into familiar brown eyes. “How are you...? How do you know...? Shit!”

“You guys know each other?” Harry was confused, looking between Louis’ horrified face and Zayn’s collected one.

“Long time, no see Louis. How have you been?” He was giving nothing away with his expression; like an AI robot he was calm and seemingly unbothered by the fact that someone who had seen him naked was now standing in front of him.

“Erm, yeah. I’ve been.... sorry I just need to go to the bathroom.” Louis turned and fled, hoping that he was heading in the right direction and that he wouldn’t need to walk back past the table with tears streaming down his face.

As luck would have it, he saw the lit sign for the gents, and he slammed through the doors. He leaned over the sink, fighting for every breath as a panic attack started cold at the base of his spine, twisting its way up and squeezing his lungs. His heart pounded against his ribcage at a thousand miles a minute. He felt like he might die if he didn’t get a proper breath in. The room was starting to spin, stars dancing in front of his eyes when he felt strong arms wrap around him from behind, pulling him upright and stretching out his chest.

“I’m here. Lou? Can you hear me? It’s Harry.” Harry’s voice sounded as if it was coming from the bottom of a pit, close and far away at the same time but still unreachable. Louis’ hands scrabbled on the ceramic of the sink, slipping over the smooth edges of the modern design and desperately trying to find something to anchor himself on. Harry’s hands closed over his own, guiding his hands to the edges and folding his fingers over them.

“Ha...ha...ha...Harry? He... he...help.... help....me. Can’t....can’t breathe.” The fear was all encompassing, Louis’ body numb but somehow still alive with adrenaline. He felt like he might throw up, like he might shit his pants, like he might pass out. He wanted to scream, and he wanted to hide. He couldn’t work out what he needed or what he wanted. It was all the emotions dialled up to 100 and fighting for front position.

“Louis listen to me. You can breathe, you’re having a panic attack.” Harry coiled one arm around Louis and splayed his palm over his diaphragm. The other arm went across his chest and held onto the opposite arm; it was a firm hold but not tight, he wanted Louis to feel secure and safe not contained or trapped. He pulled backwards gently, walking them to the wall and then slid down slowly until they were sitting on the floor. He’d never been happier that they were somewhere fancy with a clean bathroom, but he’d have done the same in some dive with mould growing up the walls if Louis needed it. He straightened his legs out around Louis’ own, making sure they were touching. He needed to ground him, to give him solid connections and human contact to anchor him to this moment and hopefully soothe his mind.

“I...I...I’m....scared.” Louis was gasping, his throat whooping with the effort of every word.

“You don’t ever have to be scared again. I’ve got you; I’m never going to leave you. Lean back Louis, relax your back for me sweetheart.” Harry pulled the stiff man gently, lowering his head onto his own shoulder. “Feel my breaths Lou, keep your eyes closed and feel how I’m breathing.” Harry started to take deep, exaggerated breaths that moved Louis’ body with each inhale and exhale. “Copy me sweetheart, copy my breaths. You can do it.”

Harry had never been so scared. He had seen Louis’ have a panic attack before but never to this degree. Each one of his stilted breaths scraped out of his throat, he was gagging on them as though he was allergic to oxygen. His skin was icy cold, his fingers almost blue but still the sweat ran in rivers. There was nothing he could do but hold on tight and try to encourage him through the fear and anxiety. What if he had this wrong? What if Louis really was dying on a bathroom floor in Mayfair? He carried on with his deep breathing, silently willing Louis to pick up on it and mimic them. The hand that he rested on his diaphragm was barely moving, each shallow breath too insignificant to make much of an impact. He was lost, he didn’t know what to do. So, he started to talk.

“You know, the very first time you walked into Canyon Moon, I told Niall that there was something mysterious about you. I was blown away by your eyes the second you looked at me; they were the bluest thing I’d ever seen in my life. They made me want to swim in an ocean, they made me thirsty for something I’d never even heard of. Does that make me sound mad? I suppose it does,” he chuckled softly. “You seemed so timid and vulnerable, but there was this... this fire that was still burning behind those eyes. Like a secret, something you didn’t let people see. Every morning before you arrived, I told myself that that would be the day I’d tell you that you had beautiful eyes. And every day, I would look at you and all my words would be lost. You made me speechless even then, you took my breath away. I felt like I knew everything about you, but still nothing at all. I made the mistake of telling Niall that I must have known you in a past life, that our souls were meeting again for some reason. I just knew we had unfinished business this time around. You can imagine how that simple fucker replied. He called me a hippie, told me he thought you were a serial killer, told me I needed to go and get a shag to clear my head. He means well but he isn’t the most sensitive to love. And I think that was what it was; love at first sight. I knew you. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s true. It crept up on me, that love. It was always there but I didn’t process what I was feeling, I didn’t let the thought cross my mind because...well because that would be insane, right? But you were never far from my mind. I found myself comparing everyone I met to you; every drunken encounter, every Tinder date, every chance meeting in the supermarket. No one could measure up to you or what you made me feel that very first day.”

Harry felt Louis’ breathing start to match his own. His clenched fists started to twitch and relax where they rested on his thighs, his fingers unfurling over the denim.

“When we started getting to know each other, I couldn’t believe my luck. Y’know, the day I left that first gift at your door, I was terrified. I’d found that rock on my way in that day and slipped it in my pocket because I just knew it had a special purpose. And when I saw your shadow pacing your living room, I knew you were that special purpose. It was a way for me to remind you just how wonderful you were, still are. I didn’t expect much from it but when you came over and we had that chat about the window; God Louis, I was on such a high. And I knew from then on that I would do absolutely anything to make you smile.”

Louis’ body relaxed against Harry, his breathing gradually steadying. The warmth was starting to come back to his skin where Harry’s fingertips danced gently. His lips started to move, words trying to form in the tail end of the attack.

“Take your time Lou, I’m not going anywhere.” Harry leant forward and planted a kiss on his temple, the salt of his sweat stinging a split on his lip.

“I knew Zayn from before... from before Jack. We worked together once or twice; his agency used to send staff for our outside events; ladies' days, birthday parties. Shit like that, we had a pop-up bar. Zayn was a good lad, a hard worker, so we asked him back for every event. I taught him to make cocktails.” Harry didn’t speak, just continued to tickle the sensitive skin on the back of Louis’ arm as he spoke. “He was just this slightly younger kid who was eager to learn and make some friends, I guess. We got on pretty well, he seemed to look up to me for some reason, and things just... progressed. We weren’t a couple or anything, never exclusive. It was more of a you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours scenario.”

“You’re the older man from Doncaster,” Harry replied as realisation dawned. “I’ve known Zayn since we were kids. He told me all about this mentor he had at work that was ‘so fucking hot, Harry!’. I used to laugh at him but, it would seem he was right.”

“No fucking way! So, you actually did know about me before you met me?”

“It seems that way. Do you believe in fate Louis?”

“I guess so. Why?”

“That night that you stood Zayn up at the bar? I was with him. I was visiting him at the dorms and all he’d done was talk about you. I told him there was no way you could be as marvellous as he was making out, so he told me that we could arrange to meet you so he could prove it. We would have met years ago if you’d kept that date.”

“This is... I can’t believe this.” Louis seemed to have forgotten his earlier panic, Harry’s soft drawl and conversation reaching a different part of him and pushing the demons back once again.

“I bet him £50 you weren’t all that. Looks like I’m going to have to pay up,” Harry laughed and pulled Louis back into his chest so he could kiss his temple again.

“He must fucking hate me. Am I going to make this awkward for you guys?”

“Louis, he’s over it. Believe me. He’s engaged to a nice girl from Shoreditch, they’re getting married next year. He was 20-year-old guy, newly out as bi and enjoying the fruits of the gay scene away from Holmes Chapel where everyone knows everyone. It was an intense crush, but you didn’t ruin his life or anything.”

“I used to feel so guilty for standing him up. That was the first time I agreed to go on a date with Jack. It was such a full-on night that I forgot all about meeting Zayn after work. And then I wasn’t allowed to speak to him after that. One of the first things I had to do was delete all the numbers of men that weren’t relatives out of my phone. I thought it was sweet at the time, such an idiot.”

“Never an idiot. You were controlled Louis, there’s a difference.”

“Can you text Zayn to come in here? I’d rather do this without an audience.”

Harry pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped out a short text to Zayn. Less than five minutes later, the door pushed open, and he peered round the door apprehensively.

“Louis? What is it?”

Louis scrambled to his feet, Harry putting two hands on his arse to push him up. Or at least that was his excuse. Taking a deep breath, he straightened his fringe and faced Zayn. He was still that beautiful boy that he’d met behind a pop-up bar, but the chubby baby face was gone. His strong jawline, once cleanly shaved of bumfluff, was speckled with dark stubble. His eyes, that had once gazed at him with unbridled adoration, were softer now; still warm but with a hint of nostalgia.

“Zayn, I’m so sorry for standing you up that night. I’d just met someone, and they were bad news. I didn’t get the chance to text you and explain but I’m not making excuses. I treated you horribly and I only hope we can put it behind us and... maybe even be friends?”

Zayn smiled, a row of straight, white teeth flashing at Louis. Clearly those braces he used to wear had paid off.

“You don’t need to apologise; it was years ago now. I was pissed, but isn’t it part of life to break your heart over the older man that you let yourself get a bit too obsessed with?” He held his hand out to shake Louis’ own, when they connected, he pulled him into a hug, slapping his back heartily. “We’re good, I promise. Now what’s this with you and Haz?”

“We’re...,” Harry started to speak, looking round at Louis for help describing their situation.

“We’re working on something,” Louis answered, moving to Harry’s side and sliding under his arm to snuggle into his side. Zayn gave them a genuine smile, clearly happy for them and unaffected by what had happened back in Donny.

“Good. It’s about time Harry had someone in his life that can keep him on his toes. Now, where’s my £50?”

The men laughed together as they made their way back out into the bar, any awkwardness left behind in the toilets.

 

♥

 

Their time in CircusXO turned out to be just as wonderfully weird as Louis had anticipated. The list of cocktails had blown his mind, a whole section devoted to drinks based on Asian cuisine that burnt like fire on the way down and left a tingling in their stomachs. Round after round appeared on the table, a different character delivering them each time.

Louis was currently working on something purple; a large martini glass that seemed to almost glow with intricate purple flowers bobbing on the surface. Beside him, Harry held onto a novelty glass in the shape of an anatomical heart. Even in his large hands it seemed ridiculously oversized, thick blood red liquid sliding up the clear straw as he gulped it down.

“There are definitely almonds in this. And a bit of watermelon. Still no clue what I’m drinking though.” Harry smacked his lips together, unsure if he was enjoying it or not.

Whatever Niall was drinking was inside a takeaway Chinese carton, two chopsticks sticking precariously out of one side. For a man so drunk, it was a definite health hazard and Louis breathed a sigh of relief when Ed reached over and removed them while Niall’s back was turned. He caught Louis watching and winked, dropping the chopsticks into Liam’s hood. They shared a laugh, Louis raising his glass in a toast to Ed’s mischievousness.

“So, Harry,” Louis started, emboldened by the alcohol coursing through him. “As fabulous as this place obviously is, I’m not seeing karaoke going on anywhere. How am I supposed to pop my pussy to Gloria Gaynor without a mic?” Laughter bubbled round the table.

Harry looked over fondly, slurping the last dregs from the bottom of his cocktail.

“That’s the next part of your surprise Lou. Drink up, we need to move on soon.”

He didn’t know what he’d done to get so lucky but the cheesy grins around the table made Louis realise that wherever they were headed, it was going to be good. Harry’s hand found Louis’ thigh under the table, his fingers grazing the inner seam of his jeans. A look passed between them, a reassurance that it was okay, that it felt good, before Harry looked away, his hand alternating between gentle squeezes and dragging nails. Louis reached down and moved the wandering hand slightly higher, sucking in a breath as the back of Harry’s knuckles brushed against the bulge of his cock. He watched Harry’s face flash with lust and obvious shock, the feeling it gave him settling low in his abdomen.

There was a sense of safety when he was with Harry. He knew that he wouldn’t be labelled a tease when he didn’t want it to go any further than this. He knew he wouldn’t be told he was broken and that he should just give up trying if he wasn’t going to put out. The build-up was exciting for both of them, they were in this together,

“Ready lads?” They had been lost in their own little world, Nick’s voice alerting them to the fact that everyone else was already stood up and ready to head out. Nick glanced down, raising his eyebrows when saw Harry’s hand creeping round Louis’ inner thigh. “It’s like that is it? There go my chances then,” he said in a low voice, winking at Louis and running his tongue over his teeth.

They stood quickly, Louis leaning over the table to finish his drink with one hand cupped under his chin to catch the drips. Harry stroked circles on his lower back as he waited, and then ushered Louis in front of him as they started to climb the stairs back up to the real world. When they pushed out of the restaurant onto the street, Louis made a split-second decision and threaded his fingers through Harry’s, their warm palms pressing together. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say a word, allowing Harry and Louis the time to enjoy walking together in the warm air, music and laughter surrounding them, just like a normal couple.

 

♥

 

Harry ushered Louis inside the second venue of their pub crawl and felt the excitement churn his stomach. This was what he was most excited about; it was a real chance for Louis to completely let loose in a safe environment. They were all more than a little tipsy, the cocktails doing their thing and filling their heads with candyfloss and stars. He could see the confusion on Louis’ face as he looked at the reception desk and took in the quiet around them.

“I thought we were going to do karaoke?” He turned to Harry, still clutching his hand, and flashed a confused smile.

“We are! Welcome to Karaoke Box! We’ve booked a private room.” Pride stretched across Harry’s face as he waited for a reaction. He’d booked the best room they had for 3 hours, more than enough time for them all to sing a few songs, sink a few more cocktails and really let their hair down.

“No way! I’ve always wanted to do this; how did you know?!”

“I saw the leaflet on your fridge weeks ago. So, I stored the idea away for a rainy day.” He hoped Louis would get the reference. It seemed like forever ago when he had left that first note on his doorstep; he’d had no idea how much his life was going to change for the better.

“You’re perfect. You know that right?” Louis whispered; his voice full of the sound of unshed tears. “I don’t know what I did to deserve having you in my life, but I want to keep doing it.”

“You stole my heart, plain and simple. One smile did it. And now I’m hooked. You don’t need to anything else, you’ve got me for as long as you’ll have me.”

Keeping their hands linked, Louis threw both arms around Harry’s neck; his biceps strained against the cuff of his sleeve as Louis brought his arm up with his own to join his other hand that had settled on the nape of his neck. Louis could smell the sweet tang of his skin where the heat had dampened the underarms of Harry’s shirt. It was a mixture of Dove deodorant and that indescribable male smell, something musky and alluring. It went straight to Louis’ brain, neurons firing and lighting up behind his eyes. He turned his head and placed three gentle kisses on the smooth spot behind Harry’s ear, goosebumps springing up immediately beneath his hot mouth and spreading down his neck.

“Put him down will you! You wouldn’t want to know where he’s been!” Nick shouted from the corridor opposite the desk.

The rest of the group had already disappeared inside the door that Nick was holding open; lights strobed out and a string of expletives with a certain Irish lilt could be heard clear as day. Louis looked back into Harry’s eyes and bit down on his lip. After a few seconds, he pulled away and sashayed towards the party room. He knew Harry was watching, his footsteps only starting up once Louis had almost reached the door.

Inside the room was phenomenal. According to the sign on the door, they were in “Show Girls”. Everything in sight was pink; the walls, the floors, the sofas that lined the outside. Along one wall black silhouettes of stockinged legs kicked up high. Opposite that was the large flat screen for them to select their songs and a rack of seven wireless microphones. Niall had already laid claim to one and was treating them to a drunken, music-less rendition of “Danny Boy” with his eyes closed and one hand over his heart. Louis couldn’t describe the way he felt now; he was like a normal lad hitting the town with his mates, laughing at the one that peaked too early and with a gorgeous man who wanted him sending silent, intense stares from across the room. This was what life used to be like, a never-ending cycle of clubs, fun and sex. A group of friends who were up for anything and never stopped laughing.

“What do you think then Louis?” Nick had snuck up behind him, his hand falling onto his shoulder. “He’s been planning this for weeks.”

“I love it Nick, honestly.” Louis turned, subtlety brushing off his hand. He wasn’t completely comfortable with Nick yet; he couldn’t work him out and he certainly didn’t want him touching him. Louis took in the high, dark quiff with a streak of blonde through the front, down to the toothy smile and outlandish suit.

“So are you and Harry.... a thing? Or do I still have that chance with you?”

Louis startled slightly, shock registering on his face. Why would Nick want him? That was certainly an unexpected development. When he’d mentioned it earlier, Louis had just thought he was saying it to tease Harry. People didn’t often chase after him anymore, he was more likely to be found blending into the background and hoping no one noticed him. It felt kind of good, but at the same time it was utterly terrifying’ the thought that people might look at him with some sort of lust was mind boggling.

“You look like the Grinch when you smile like that.” The first words that came to Louis’ mind seemed to fall out with absolutely no warning. He clamped his hand over his mouth, mortified that his internal filter had failed him. “I’m sorry, that was really fucking rude...”

He was interrupted by a horse bray of a laugh as Nick threw his head back and howled. Louis might have known he wouldn’t be the type to take offence. He oozed a quiet confidence, the kind that only came from years of getting what you want. The noise had attracted everyone’s attention and stopped Niall’s singing in its tracks.

“Sexy and funny, you really are a rare breed,” Nick purred. He let his eyes roam up and down Louis’ body, his tongue protruding from between his lips.

“Pack yourself in Grimshaw you trollop,” Harry laughed, approaching Louis and holding out a microphone with a blue band while he held on to the green one. “Me and this rare breed have a song to sing and your leering is holding us up.”

When Louis took the microphone, he allowed his fingers to graze Harry’s wrist and enjoyed the obvious effect it had when all the hairs stood on end. They could drive each other crazy with the simplest of touches, with looks and with seemingly innocent words whispered at just the right time.

“Ready when you are mate, “Ed shouted from the corner where he was tapping words into the search bar of their screen.

Louis didn’t even know what they were singing, but he was fired up and ready to go. Anything was possible when he was with Harry. The opening bars of the song started up as he was pulled across the small room. Liam hit the lights, plunging them into darkness that was only broken by the strobes and Louis fell apart laughing as Harry started to twirl his hips comically to the beat.

“FUCKING SEX BOMB! WHAT A BANGER!” Niall sprung up onto the sofa, embodying Tom Jones as he gyrated in the direction of Liam’s face, his hands grabbing onto the back of his head to prevent escape.

Liam squealed loud and high, slapping at Niall’s hands and rolling onto the floor to get away. He formed a cross with his fingers as his friend hopped down over him, legs either side of his chest as he dropped it low. Zayn was clapping along and laughing, the effortlessly cool façade well and truly gone inside the private booth. Ed seemed to be vibing alone, swaying along to the beat of the music and clicking his fingers. Louis wasn’t sure exactly how one could vibe to Sex Bomb, but he had to give him props for his effort.

“Spy on me baby, you’re a satellite...” Louis turned, his mouth agape, as Harry’s low timbre echoed over the microphone. Where had that voice come from?! He was ridiculously good, his whole body taken over by the music. His hips still swirled around, punctuated by a pelvic thrust every time he got back to centre. His free hand ran up and down his torso, straying dangerously close to his crotch before sliding back up over his stomach, his nails dragging as he reached his chest. This was one of the cheesiest, most ridiculous songs on the planet and yet somehow, he was turning it into a performance; an extremely hot performance at that.

Someone in the room whooped as Harry bent his knees and wound his body down to the floor, bouncing on his heels before he stuck his bum out as far as it would go and rolled his body back up. This new side of him was exhilarating. Louis joined for the chorus, letting the music take over him; his own hips started to swing as he took a step closer to Harry, his body moving of its own accord. It felt amazing to just give in to his impulses and feel protected by everyone in the room. For once he wasn’t worrying about being judged or laughed at, he was simply being himself. Or at least a version of himself that rarely saw the light of day. Recently, he’d started singing and dancing again when he was home alone, a certain happiness that made his heart light funnelling music through him while he cooked and cleaned. The shower was once again the place to be for the all-out belting of power ballads complete with key changes and air grabs. This was new and exciting; hearing the others cheer him and Harry on was boosting his adrenaline and making him bold.

“And baby you can turn me on!” They finished the song together, both grinning ear to ear and panting slightly from the exertion. Louis tried to convince himself that the sexual frustration wasn’t also part of his breathlessness, but it wasn’t working very well.

“Get out of the way losers, it’s my turn.” Liam turned up the sass, dramatically pushing his way between them and spreading his arms out wide. He took a moment to listen to the cheers, bowing gracefully like a Miss World contestant. “Now if you don’t mind, I have a song to be getting on with.”

The door behind them opened, a young waitress with a large tray of drinks entering just as Liam broke into his own extremely pitchy rendition of the Bee Gees ‘Staying Alive’. Liam, Zayn, Niall, Nick and Ed had formed a dance circle while Louis looked on in disbelief at the scene that was unfolding in front of them. The waitress looked just as confused, her expression sitting somewhere between amusement and disbelief.

“Just 7 laddy lads doing what lads do cos lads are cool. Am I right?” She asked Louis.

“Erm...” Louis looked round at all the carnage again. Reminiscent of a schoolgirl, Ed had threaded the bottom hem of his t-shirt through the neckline to make a crop top and was dancing around with his fingers over his protruding nipples. Niall had reverted to thrusting, only this time Zayn was getting it. He was bent over in front of Niall, twerking his backside to the rhythm. Nick was lip-synching for his life; his wacky movements came close to hitting someone in the eye at all times. And his Hazza, sitting on the back of the sofa, his feet on the leather seat, videoing them all and catcalling, his distinctive laugh feeding into Louis’ ears above all else. “That’s exactly it.” Louis took the tray, slipping the girl a £10 tip while he could get away with paying for something. She gave him a grateful smile, looking again round the room at the unfolding chaos and shaking her head gleefully.

That was just the effect they all had on people, this group of friends that radiated happiness and freedom. They didn’t care what anyone thought of them or how they might look. They didn’t judge each other or criticise their decisions harshly. They were just there for each other, day and night. Rallying in bad times with tequila and questionable advice, crying together when the situation called for it. And in the good times they kicked off their shoes, let down their hair and went pedal to metal in the name of having fun. Louis was stoked that he was a part of it and that he had been accepted into the fold so easily. There was no cold shoulders, suspicious looks or deep questioning. Harry said he was good, so therefore he must be good; they trusted each other’s judgement. And if one day he turned out to be an arsehole? Well, that would be too bad, but the blame wouldn’t fall at Harry’s feet, no matter what went on. There would be another night of tequila and a consequential night on the tiles so they could get it out of their system and move on.

   

There was a sudden silence in the room as Liam finished up his number and Niall slid in front of him to start choosing his own song. Harry took the opportunity to come and take a drink from Louis. The luminous pink liquid rose to a froth at the top of the glass, gold glitter dusting around the rim. They both took a drink at the same time, wincing as the overly sugary cocktail hit their tongues and crackled down their throats.

“What in the name of Lucifer is that?” Harry laughed, holding the drink out in front of him to give it a better look.

“I think it’s called a Wet Dream. It was free though! Included in our package apparently.” Louis took another tentative sip, the assault on his taste buds lessened this time.

“Oh well in that case-” Harry immediately started to down the drink, his arm held high, and his head tipped back to expose his throat. Louis watched the tight skin ripple as he swallowed, his long hair hanging down his back. He finished chugging with a gasp, lifting his head and wiping the back of his hand across his mouth with one rough movement. His lips dragged behind slightly, pulled to one side while his tongued slid across to catch anything he’d missed.

Louis took a tentative step forward, ready to risk it all just to taste what remained on his ripe, reddened lips. He was confident this time, spurred on by the buzz of the alcohol coursing through his blood. He wanted this, he wanted Harry. Fuck the consequences, fuck everyone watching; he couldn’t hold off anymore, the rollercoaster of sexual tension cresting to death defying heights. Harry seemed to sense what was coming, his face suddenly serious while his eyes flicked to Louis’ own mouth. He reached out, his hand curling around the back of Louis’ neck covering it in its entirety and sending shockwaves down the length of his spine. Harry started to draw Louis in towards him, lips puckering in anticipation of the sweetness of their first kiss.

“WALLA WALLA WHATSUP!” Zayn bounded over and they sprung apart. “Whoops, sorry pals! Not interrupting, am I?” He threw an arm around each of their necks and let his body go slack for a moment.

“Well actually...” Harry started to speak, but Louis jumped in, his confidence swayed by the abrupt appearance of their mutual friend.

“Of course not,” he almost didn’t want to look at Harry, but when he did, he registered the confusion on his face. Was that hurt there too? There was always a part of him wondering why they kept being disturbed in some way; the megaphone guy, Clifford, now Zayn. Was the universe trying to tell him something?

“I am wrecked. Who’d have thought that fluffy pastel-coloured drinks could do sooooo much damage,” Zayn slurred, his feet never stopping as he staggered backwards and forwards to maintain his balance. “Listen, I know I’m drunk but I have to say, I love you guys. You are so right for each other, and I love you so much. I already said that didn’t I? Who cares, I love you! Please tell me you’re going to be Harry’s date at my wedding next year Lou? You’re one of the boys now!”

Louis’ blood ran cold as he realised, he was expected to give an answer about a wedding he wasn’t even sure he’d be alive for. How could he possibly answer that? It had suddenly struck him that Harry had a life outside of this that they were doing, future plans that would be affected by all this. Would he even want to go to Zayn’s wedding? How soon would it be after Louis made his final journey? He had been so selfish, never stopping for one minute to think about the shockwaves of his decision and how great of a distance they may actually reach.

“Louis?” Harry looked at him intensely, waiting for him to answer Zayn. He had noticed the uncertainty that flitted across his expression and the way his brow had crinkled as he’d let the information soak in. “Would you like to be my date? If you’re not sick of me by then that is?”

Louis realised Harry was giving him an out, setting up an easy answer for him that meant he didn’t have to fully commit. He both loved and hated him for it; he loved that he was protective and astute, even after God knows how many cocktails. But he wanted to scream at him to stop being so kind when he didn’t deserve it, to respect himself and stop cleaning up the mess of the trail of destruction being left behind.

“Sure thing Z, as long as I haven’t traded him in for a newer model, I’ll be there.” The lump in Louis’ throat threatened to choke him, emotion flooding from his core. “First round of shots will be on me.” That was a promise he intended to keep, whether he was there in body or there in spirit.

 

♥

 

Their evening carried on in much the same way that it had been; all the boys were loud and in high spirits as they worked their way through the cocktail menu and started to introduce shots of tequila to the mix. Unbeknownst to them, Louis and Harry had switched to virgin cocktails earlier in the night, neither of them wanting to reach the blackout proportions that the other five seemed to be rocketing towards.

Nick had just given a stupendous rendition of ‘Hey Big Spender’ complete with open shirt and dishevelled hair, his cocktail sloshing over the sides of his glass with every sassy spin he did. Ed was beckoning Louis over to the screen, his entire face shiny and red with excess alcohol but his smile had never faded.

“Lou, it’s your song now! You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be Ed.” Louis stood up and straightened his t-shirt. He was relieved that the buzz hadn’t completely worn off, he wouldn’t have had the nerve to sing this particular song without it. He’d already shaken his arse to ‘Born This Way’ and ‘Teenage Dirtbag’; all caution thrown to the wind as he let the music take the wheel and sang from his boots. But this was different. He’d picked this song for Harry, for the way the words made him feel.

Harry was sitting in the corner, lost in conversation with Liam. Their heads were close together, their hands gesticulating wildly with every word. Whatever they were discussing seemed intense, but Liam was smiling as he closed the small gap and let his forehead rest on Harry’s. Louis started to fond at the precious exchange; it was rare to see a male friendship that wasn’t stilted by fear of affection being misconstrued.

He clutched the microphone and took another deep breath as the opening bars of ‘You Make Me Feel Brand New’ chimed through the sound system. Hopefully this would get his point across.

“My love, I’ll never find the words, my love.
To tell you how I feel my love.
Mere words, cannot, explain.
Precious love, you held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again.”

The room around him went silent, the laughter stopping as every head turned towards Louis to listen to him croon. Ballads had not been on the order of service, each of them choosing party anthems to sing and jump around too. The deafening quiet was disconcerting, and Louis started to feel self-conscious, knowing that they were all listening to him pouring his heart out through song. He slammed his eyes shut, not needing the words on the screen. He had listened to this song multiple times over the last few months and it was engrained on his brain.

“Only you, care when I needed a friend
Believe in me through thick and thin.
This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love.”

A moment of bravery made Louis open his eyes, his gaze falling on Harry. He was still sitting with Liam, but he had shuffled forward to the front of his seat, his eyes locked onto Louis and his mouth slightly agape. He was still in the stage of wondering whether it was him, or whether it was coincidence that this love song seemed to tell their story.

“God bless you,
You make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you,
You make me feel brand new.
I sing this song cos you,
You make me feel brand new.”

Louis wouldn’t allow himself to look away from Harry, even when the tears tipped over the edges of his lashes and trailed down his cheeks. He let them fall, scared that if he moved to wipe them away, he might just fall apart completely. Harry had made it onto his feet; he stood like a statue with his arms hanging by his sides and his back straight. Liam had reached out and put a hand on his arm that went unnoticed; he was so lost in Louis, but his expression was unreadable.

“My love, whenever I was insecure,
You built me up and made me sure.
You gave my pride back to me.
Precious friend,
In you I’ll always have a friend,
You’re someone who I can depend,
To walk a path that sometimes bends.”

 

Nick and Zayn gravitated over to Harry, surrounding him in a protective huddle. Each of them made sure they were touching him in some way, sensing his need for comfort. Louis couldn’t decide whether this was going well or not. Harry’s tears were falling now too, running down his jaw and dripping from his chin onto his t-shirt. Niall stayed over with Louis, unsure of what was happening or where he should put himself. His drunken mind was trying to work out whether everyone was happy, sad or angry; confusion seemed to be winning in the battle of his emotions and his fingernails were taking the brunt as he chewed around them until he drew blood.

“Without you, life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay, you for having faith in me?”

Louis felt the dam inside break with a crash. A huge sob wracked him, forcing its way up his throat and out of his mouth with a gasp. In an instant, Harry was beside him, a microphone in his hand and their fingers laced together. He turned Louis to face him, joining him for the final chorus.

“God bless you,
You make me feel brand new.
For God blessed me with you,
You make me feel brand new.
I sing this cos you,

You make me feel brand new.”

The song ended and no one moved, they were barely breathing. The vibe was unreadable as multiple feelings zipped around the room, bouncing off the walls and ricocheting off the furniture. In the middle of it all, Harry and Louis stood face to face, still holding on to one another. Harry’s mouth was set in a tight line that he sucked in and out while he chewed his lips from the inside. His eyes were looking at the ceiling, flickering from side to side while he tried to get a handle on himself.

“Harry, I-” Louis started to speak. Harry’s eyes came back down to his own, just as unreadable as his expression.

“We need to get out of here. Nick, can you finish everything up please?” Harry turned to his friend.

Nick looked shell shocked and it didn’t fill Louis with confidence that even his closest friends had no idea how to react to what had just happened. He would do anything to have the dancing back, the laughing and the tomfoolery. All he needed was a reaction, he needed to know what was going on behind those beautiful emerald eyes that burned with something unspoken.

“Of course mate, just... let us know you’re all good, yeah?”

“Sure. C’mon Louis.” He started to lead them both out of the room, his stride determined as they moved down the corridor and out of the bar. The girl on reception called out “Goodnight!” but neither of the men replied, too focused on what was happening between them. “We’ll get a cab. Can’t face the tube.”

Harry marched them to the edge of the road. His arm barely lifted, and a cab screeched to a halt. Louis couldn’t speak, didn’t trust himself to speak. He was aware that Harry may well be very angry but still he didn’t feel afraid or apprehensive; all the feelings he had were fear of losing the relationship they had started to build. He didn’t doubt for a minute that he was safe with Harry and in the midst of the uncertainty in his gut, there was another glimmer of hope and progress.

Notes:

The vast majority of the places I am mentioning them visiting are genuine places in London and the food/drinks/activities are genuine. If anyone has any cool places they think would be good for them to visit around London, let me know in the comments and if I can use it then I definitely will.

Let me know how you feel about the changing dynamic in their relationship! I know it might feel like I'm dragging it out at times but I really want to stay authentic to the journey a lot of people go through after a trauma and I feel that it's important to not just skim over that. But I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks, I'm always open to improve!

Chapter 16: Don't Leave Me

Summary:

Harry has it out about what the lyrics of the song meant to Louis. When Louis admits he's confused, will it bring them together or will they decide it's time to go their separate ways?

Notes:

So this is the second part of the previous chapter. I did initially intend for it to be all one but I thought it might be a bit too lengthy so here we are. I've had this chapter planned out since before I even started chapter one so I was so excited to finally write it. The characters completely took over this one for me and it pretty much wrote itself.

Music for this chapter is:

Shakespeare's Sister - Stay
Forest Blakk - Fall Into Me
Paolo Nutini - Pencil Full Of Lead
Natalie Taylor - Surrender
Everybody Loves An Outlaw - I See Red

The taxi stuttered over the bumps and dips of the road as they sped in silence towards Louis’ flat. Their hands rested together, fingers still knotted, on the seat between them but the silence was overwhelming. Harry had only spoken to give the address before immediately turning his head away and looking out of the window. Louis fought the nausea that roiled in his stomach, unsure of how to even begin speaking again.

“Harry? Are you mad at me?” His voice came out small and he cursed himself for sounding so needy and pathetic. He wanted to be strong, but those days were gone, he didn’t have it in him to pretend to be something he wasn’t around the man who made his heart beat faster.

“Just thinking.” Harry’s voice was muffled behind his fingers that he rested across his mouth. His brows were low, his eyes dull as stared through the passing scenery. Louis eyes burned into him, panic widening them as he searched for the answers. “Let’s just wait until we get back.”

The taxi pulled into the street, headlights illuminating the front of the bakery as the car started to curve around the road that circled the green.

“Niall left the fucking shutter up again. Just here will do mate,” Harry called through the partition, reaching into his pocket for some money. Louis beat him to it, pushing £50 through the gap and pretending he didn’t see the tight shake of Harry’s head as he did it.

Their hands finally broke apart so they could step out of opposite sides of the car. Louis tried to take it as a good sign that Harry didn’t see him to the door and then speed off, but it was hard to be positive when his glowering scowl made him look as though he was ready to commit murder. Louis stood awkwardly in the middle of the road; his arms hugged around his middle in the quickly cooling air. The weather had teased them with the idea of a storm tonight, a break in the hot weather and well needed clearing of the air. It had never come, but if the clouds that filled the night sky were anything to go by, it wouldn’t be long. He watched as Harry bounced into the air from standing position; it should have been impossible for him to get that much height from a small bob of his knees but somehow, he was hanging off the edge of the shutter and doing a small pull up so that his body weight would pull it down over the door. The metal rattled noisily and slammed into the ground; Harry bent with it in an impressively smooth motion. Louis was mesmerised as he watched the same hands that gently caressed him force the metal rods into the holes and line them up to lock. Somewhere nearby, a dog started to bark at the disturbance and Louis was reminded that Clifford would be more than ready for a trip outside by now. Although he was trained to use a puppy pad in an emergency, he much preferred his corner of the garden for doing his business.

Harry remained stood in front of the shutter, one splayed hand resting on the cold metal and the other hanging limply by his side. He leaned, his forehead coming to rest on his fingers. He looked thoroughly defeated. Louis watched as he took a big breath in, his shoulders visibly lifting towards his ears, holding in place for a few seconds and then slowly drooping back down.

“What was that song, Louis?” He didn’t turn round to face him, but Louis could picture exactly how his face would look. “Why, of all the songs out there, did you pick that one?”

He was stunned, he hadn’t expected those to be the first words out of Harry’s mouth and he didn’t know what he wanted the answer to be. Somewhere in the distance, thunder grumbled low, the promised storm heading towards them quicker than they thought.

“I just... it reminds me of me and you, that’s all. I’m sorry if I’ve hur-.”

“But what does that mean Louis?!” Harry spun round on his heels, his hands shooting out palms up at his sides. “What was the point you were trying to get across? Because I am so confused, and I don’t know what to think.” The thunder rumbled again, louder this time. Even though it was late and already dark, the world got dimmer still as more clouds crowded over the moon.

There was no anger in his voice, just pure desperation. He was hurting, that much was evident from the way his body seemed to struggle not to fold in on itself. The knitted brows were gone and in their place was a wide-eyed, pleading expression that hurt Louis’ heart.

“Harry, what is this actually about? Because it would be so much easier if you just said what it is that crawled up your arse about that song,” Louis could feel himself growing defensive and he knew that it probably wasn’t the best way of handling things. Unfortunately, it was the only way he knew how to respond to whatever the hell this had turned into.

“Jesus Christ, the meaning Louis! Do you mean that I’ve “taught you how to live again”? Do you want me to have faith in you?! Or are they just words? Just lyrics?” Harry took off towards the grass, lightening illuminating the sky as a deafening clap of thunder boomed.

Louis shot after him, partially to continue the argument and partially because he was terrified of being left outside after dark when it sounded like the sky was falling down. It didn’t take Harry long to turn and make sure Louis was behind him, his frustration never cancelling out the need to protect. He waited until Louis got slightly ahead before he grabbed his wrist and spun him towards him.

“Please. Just tell me what exactly you were trying to say with that song Louis. My mind is racing, I’m... I’m having so many thoughts and the uncertainty is killing me.”

A fat raindrop splashed onto Louis’ cheek, quickly followed by another and another, the sky was opening up with every passing second. Each drop was like ice landing somewhere on his skin.

“I do not understand why this is eating you so badly Harry. It is a song about finding your person, okay?!” Louis felt the rain driving down onto him, his clothes beginning to stick to his skin and his fringe flopping down into his eyes. It fell in sheets, occasionally disturbing his view of Harry despite the small distance between them. “For fuck’s sake, you know I love you! This isn’t news. We both know how we feel about each other. You are the one chink of light in this fucked up situation that somehow became my life. And I wanted to make sure you knew that!”

Harry was soaked to the bone, his t-shirt completely see through, his tattoos on show beneath it. His hair hung in sopping ringlets around his face; he brought both hands back and swiped it all away from his face, letting his head fall back to the sky. Louis couldn’t tell if he was crying or if the rain was just spilling from his scalp and rolling down his cheeks.

“Fuck this, I’m just going to say it... Are you starting to have doubts about Dignitas? Because that song really makes it sound like you are and... and I don’t know what to think right now. I don’t want to hope. But I have a stupid, positive heart that is beating at double time right now because there is the tiniest possibility that maybe I’ve made a difference to you.”

The rain was almost blinding now; the wind picking up and driving it into Louis’ eyes. He fought against it, he never wanted to stop looking at Harry even though the pain in his eyes was cleaving him in two. This beautiful man who was so hopeful for the future, who believed with every fibre of his being that Louis was worth it, who wanted nothing more than for him to say that he chose life. He watched as Harry’s breaths came in fits and starts, his skin goose pimpled and gleaming with rain. He might as well have stood naked before Louis, his vulnerability raw and on display as they stood in the middle of the grass begging each other for mercy with their eyes.

Harry started to close the gap between them, his hands reaching before he got there. He pressed his palms to Louis’ cheeks and swept back all the hair that was sticking to his skin, exposing his face so there was nowhere to hide. Louis instinctively dropped his head, but those same gentle hands found his chin and raised it back up where it belonged. They coasted along his jaw and settled on his cheeks, holding his face in place. Harry stooped slightly, locking his gaze onto Louis’ and searching for any sign that he was taking this all in, that he had answer to the impossible question asked of him. Louis’ bottom lip trembled, a mixture of the cold and the intensity of the moment. It all hung in the balance; the fate of their future, no matter how long or short, hung in this exact minute, in this exact place.

“I... I can’t answer that, Harry. I’m... I’m confused-” Louis tried to explain the mess that rattled around inside of him. He had always been so sure that he wanted to go on his own terms. And that was still what he wanted, but now there was Harry. This whirlwind that had swept him up, spun him around and showed him that he could feel bliss. That not every man was a monster. That not everyone wanted something from him that he wasn’t prepared to give.

Harry was nodding slowly, showing Louis that he was listening to every word he said. The hope was still shining out of him, it had dug a burrow inside his heart and was clinging on with everything it had. That glimmer, no matter how small, would be the thing that destroyed him most. If he could not accept what Louis had planned, the devastation would only hit harder when the time came for them to say their last goodbyes.

Harry’s fingers dug into the pillows of Louis’ cheeks, the skin around them white. His pupils stretched out, almost covering his irises as the heat of his gaze pierced straight into Louis. He had always believed the eyes were the window to your soul and right now Harry’s soul was pressed up against the glass, banging to get out so it could be at one with Louis’ own.

“Please don’t fucking leave me,” Harry whispered desperately, a hard breath following the words out of his mouth as he pressed their noses together.

Louis closed his eyes, his head starting to droop once more. It didn’t get far before he felt Harry’s body tighten against him.

In the split second that Louis looked up he felt Harry’s mouth crash down onto his, cool rain mingling with hot breath, both of their lips slightly parted. They stayed that way, breathing into each other, the wild weather crashing around them as the sky cracked open with lightening. Louis reached for Harry’s face, pulling him harder towards him, suddenly starving for this man who made his heart sing. His fingers threaded up into Harry’s hair, curling into a fist and hanging on with everything he had. His other hand found Harry’s waist and twisted into his wet t-shirt, anchoring them in place. Their lips started to move together, their heads tilting side to side frantically as they devoured each other in the street, the rain pouring around them. They were completely lost, sunken into each other and totally removed from the world. Their kiss was clumsy, months of passion and unspoken words clashing between them. Teeth were knocked together, noses bumped but nothing could stop them now that they had started. Louis tentatively pushed his tongue inside of Harry’s mouth and felt him respond immediately; they danced around each other, learning every curve and contour of new mouths. They were gasping for breath but never let up, both scared that if they stopped, they might just fall apart. Harry’s hands slid down Louis’ face, over his throat and onto his chest. He felt the drag of Harry’s nails, his entire body coming alive and pressing itself forward into the firm curves of another willing body. Harry’s hands dragged across his ribs in opposite directions before they wrapped around him, palms spread over his back, one above the other and pulling him in tight. He rearranged his own hands, one palm up on the underside of Harry’s chin, stubble rasping against the sensitive skin as his thumb curved upwards to feel where their mouths met. The other reached behind Harry’s head and settled on top of his scalp so Louis could pull him further down, deeper into the kiss.

When they finally broke apart it was with the same intensity they came together. Their mouths ripped away; Harry’s bottom lip caught between Louis’ teeth. They were panting, pulling in the oxygen they had gone without in their passion. Their bodies stayed pressed together, neither of them ready to let go.

“Louis William Tomlinson, will you do me the honour of dancing in the rain with me?” Harry’s voice was still a whisper.

“Only if you’ll sing for me.” Louis whispered back, nudging at Harry’s nose with his, eyes closed tight so he could savour each sensation.

“Forever.”

They started to sway; Louis dropped his arms around Harry’s neck, his hands interlinking and resting at the nape. He buried his face into the sweet spot where his neck met his shoulder, where his smell was strongest and he could feel his pulse flicker. Harry started to dig in his pocket for his phone; pulling it out he struggled to unlock it, his thumbprint unreadable with the rain. He eventually managed, after a lot cursing, using his face ID and quickly gave up on trying to scroll. He held the phone close to his mouth and spoke quickly into the microphone.

“Hey Google, play ‘Fall Into Me’ by Forest Blakk on Spotify.” Louis had never heard the song but as the melody started to play, he immediately fell in love. Harry pulled him in as close as he could possibly get, their feet interlocking with little room for movement. It didn’t matter, they just wanted to stand close and bask in the romance that they had created for themselves. Louis turned his head to press his cheek into Harry’s shoulder without taking his nose out of his favourite spot. A strong arm reached around and took one of his hands, locking their fingers together and lowering it back down to waist height. They stayed that way, chest to chest with magic dancing between their clasped palms. Despite the wind whipping around them, the sporadic booms of thunder and the sound of rain slapping the ground, when Harry’s low voice started up it was all Louis could hear.

“The day that I met you, the world had just spit me out
On my way to the bottom, sure I’d never be found
Then you saw me for me, made me believe in myself
On the day that I met you, it all turned around.

You said close your eyes
Don’t look down

Fall into me, and I’ll catch you darling
We’ll dance in the street, like nobody’s watching
It’s just you and me and the song on repeat in my head
Playing over and over
I’m drunk on your voice, high on the moment
I’d fall for you twice, if that’s what you wanted
I’d give you my life, from now ‘til forever
I’m falling in love with you, over and over again”

Dancing under the streetlamps made the night feel ethereal, the hush of the late hour in London a novelty Louis rarely got to enjoy anymore. The velvety tones of Harry’s voice made him tingle from top to toe; warmth spread through him from the centre of his chest, pulsating out with every beat of his heart. It had never been like this with anyone before, the constant pendulum swing of emotions going from the ecstasy of being loved by someone so perfect for him to paralysing fear that it would all end in disaster. There were not many men that would stand out in the pouring rain, freezing cold in soaking wet clothes, just to sing you a love song in your ear.

“Until I had met you, there was no sun in my sky
No mirrors for monsters, and no love in sight
Then you walked down those stairs and I knew my heart wasn’t mine
On the day that I met you, my whole world came alive

You said close your eyes
I got you now

Fall into me and I'll catch you, darling
We'll dance in the street like nobody's watching
It's just you and me and the song on repeat in my head
Playing over and over
I'm drunk on your voice high on the moment
I'd fall for you twice if that's what you wanted
I'd give you my life from now till forever
I'm falling in love with you
Over and over again”

Harry tilted his head to pepper kisses over the corner of Louis’ mouth. He wanted to take his time; the hunger still raged but he wanted to savour it. He waited until Louis lifted his head, so obviously eager to get his mouth on Harry’s, and then cupped his cheek. Thinking back to that morning in Brighton, he began to run the cold tip of his nose over Louis’, their wet skin helping him glide smoothly over every peak and into every trough. He planted more kisses over Louis’ cheeks, working down towards his throat. He drew his lip back and his teeth grazed underneath his sharp jawline, stubble husking as he went. As the song played out from the phone that was trapped between them, he brought his mouth down gently, one thumb stroking across Louis’ cheekbones and catching the tears that were still kept coming. This was THE kiss, the one that made them realise why it had never worked with anyone else. It was smooth and graceful; they found their place, heads tipping in opposite directions with none of the fumbling from the first time. They were calm on the outside, all of the fire and passion burning internally and pouring out into the heat of their mouths with fervoured breaths. This kiss tasted like fruit with the sharp tang of alcohol behind it, it tasted like promise and hope. As their lips moved in time, Harry let a high moan of contentment escape his throat, air puffing out of his nose as he sunk even deeper into Louis. He hadn’t thought he could be more in love than he already was, but this was otherworldly. He felt like he was made of nothing at all, like he could float away at any moment if he wasn’t anchored in Louis’ embrace. His entire life had been building up to this, the kiss of the first love he’d ever truly had. This was where he was meant to be, where he wanted to be for the rest of his days.

“Wow. That was so worth the wait, you were so worth the wait. I’m sorry I didn’t hold back for you to kiss me first.” Harry couldn’t stop looking at him, the hypnosis of his beauty unmeasured even when he was soaking wet. Especially when he was soaking wet!

“Don’t be sorry, that was the most romantic moment of my entire life. I didn’t know it could ever be like that outside of romance novels and daydreams. And let's be honest, if you waited for me, I'd never have had the bollocks to kiss you first.”

With his hands still on Louis’ face, Harry leaned back and laughed loud; a braying and abrasive noise that somehow made him seem even softer. He popped back up, leaning forward and pecking Louis’ lips with a smile. Now that he’d had a little taste, he didn’t think he could ever stop kissing him.

“A certain powerhouse from Doncaster said something very similar to me believe it or not. She told me just to get on with it.”

“I knew my mother would have had her spoke in with you,” Louis rolled his eyes and laughed along. “She can’t leave anything alone, but I love her for it.”

Harry’s playlist skipped to the next song and the brass section of Paolo Nutini’s ‘Pencil Full Of Lead’ piped into the night. For now, they seemed to have forgotten Louis’ confusion and they had pushed aside Harry’s pain. They just wanted to live in this moment of joy where they felt completely alive and in sync with the universe. This would be a memory for them to keep forever and they didn’t want to spoil it now.

“I dare you,” Harry held the phone aloft and looked over to Louis, his foot tapping in the mud.

“Never dare a fool Harry,” Louis quipped, starting to spin on the spot with his arms above his head. His inhibitions were gone, hidden away for another time.

Both men came alive, moving their bodies in any way that they wanted, not caring if they were dancing or just throwing themselves about. They jumped and stamped, mud splashing up their legs and settling on their skin. They bent and shimmied, rain soaking into their clothes despite the fact they couldn’t get much wetter. Still, it poured around them, the grass quickly turning into a marsh that coated their feet like booties.

Louis stopped dead mid-spin, pausing to revel in the euphoria. He hadn’t felt this way since he was child; the heart-pounding excitement that was almost too much to bear, the unbridled joy that came with having no worries and no fears and the feeling of being completely loved and accepted. Harry was unhinged, his head thrown to the skies, his arms in the air and his hips swirling in circles. Louis watched in disbelief as he slammed to his knees, skidding through the mud and almost overbalancing. As the song ended, he flopped backwards, unhooking his legs from beneath him and lying spreadeagled on the ground.

“Get over here Lou,” he called out. “Come and lie in the mud with me.” He started to pump his arms and legs to make an angel shape in the grass.

“There is no chance I’m getting down there with you Styles! You’ve lost the plot!” Louis was laughing, his mouth wide open and his stomach aching.

“Is that right?” Harry sat up, a devilish look in his eye.

“No Harry!” Louis shrieked and took off in a run towards the house. Harry was hot on his heels, both skidding and flailing to stay upright. He made the fatal mistake of looking over his shoulder to check Harry’s whereabouts and felt his breath leave his body as he was rugby tackled to the ground.

“Now who’s lost the plot!” Harry lowered his body over Louis’ wiping muddy hands over his face and neck.

“OH MY GOD! You, you utter animal. It’s still you!” Louis threw his head from side to side to escape the mud, his hair dragging through a puddle beneath him.

“Well, you’re already filthy now, might as well make the most of it.” Harry pulled a massive handful of mud from the flowerbed beside him and plonked it on the top of Louis’ head, scrubbing it in like the first snowball of winter. Louis was ready, pulling up his own handful and shoving it down the back of Harry’s tight leather trousers, smacking his bum to splatter it over his cheeks.

“Fuck that’s cold!” Harry cried, laughter taking control of his voice.

They carried on playfighting in the mud, rolling over and over each other with their limbs entangled. The rain was beginning to ease off into constant drizzle that was keeping them damp.

“TRUCE! TRUCE!” Louis called out, holding his hands in front of his face just as Harry came towards him with another fistful of mud. “I submit, Jesus!”

“It’s not about winners or loser Lou, but I won,” Harry replied cheekily. He sprang to his feet, the fight seemingly not depleting his never-ending energy. His hand grabbed for Louis’, helping the other man out of the mud with a loud squelch. Their lips found each other again, a slow gentle kiss that tasted like earth and rain.

“I am so fucking cold, H,” Louis laughed, his fingers still stroking up and down Harry’s neck. “Shower needed, immediately.”

They headed over the grass towards the flat; an hour outside in a storm had been invigorating but as the adrenaline wore off, both men were feeling the effects of being outside in soaking wet clothes. Louis opened the door and Clifford came running immediately.

“Hey lad, sorry I was out so long. Let’s get you outside.” Louis slipped his caked trainers off his feet, signalling for Harry to do the same. “If you want to head in the bathroom, I’ll get you a towel in a minute.”

“No, I’ll come to the door with you. It’s dark out there.” Louis fonded over the protective side of Harry. He knew that the dark could be a big trigger, especially when Louis was alone and there was no way he was letting him deal with it alone.

By the time Clifford had done his business and a ran a few frenzied laps of the garden, they were both dothering hard. Their teeth chattered relentlessly and every time they moved their filthy, wet clothes felt cold against their skin. In the bathroom, Louis pulled the shower on to heat up. He was distracted by the sight of Harry pulling his t-shirt over his head. Mud streaked his toned torso, already drying in smears over his chest. He’d pulled the bobble out of his top knot and now his hair hung over his broad shoulders, each curl damp and separated.

“You can get in first, I just needed that top off,” Harry explained, mistaking Louis’ silent stare.

“That wasn’t why I was staring,” Louis laughed. Harry blushed and looked down at the floor, a happy smile teasing his lips. “I was actually going to suggest we got in with our clothes on, rinse all the mud out of them first and then I can sling them in the washer?”

“Do you mean... together?” Nervous energy started to buzz around them. There was something sensual about a shower, even if you were fully clothed. A combination of the small space, steam and heat of the water.

“Well, someone needs to get all this mud out of my hair, Harry.” It was Louis’ turn to blush. “Listen, it's not... it's not a sex invite. But after that kiss, I just want to be close to you and I feel like this is something I can handle.” He nodded along with his own words, reassuring himself that he was making the right decision. He wanted to reclaim intimacy in the shower for himself and for Harry; it was another thing that he wanted to take away from Jack, another bad memory that would never be removed, but could be overwritten with something meaningful.

Harry softened in front of him, the gentle smile cracking into a toothy grin.

“Then let's do it.”

Louis climbed into the shower first and turned his back to the stream. He allowed the hot water to pour over his shoulders and slowly start to thaw him out. He sighed in relief as the warmth spread over his body, stinging at first, but giving way to that slouchy softness that comes with relaxed. Harry climbed in behind him apprehensively; he wasn’t sure how close he should get or whether Louis wanted to be held.

“Louis, I need you to take control here. Talk to me, okay? Tell me if you’re uncomfortable or if you want me to do something differently. I want you to feel safe.”

“I always feel safe with you. Come here,” Louis held his arms out and Harry didn’t hesitate. They slotted together like puzzle pieces, both of them under the spray of the shower. The water swirling down the drain was black and clumped but neither of them cared. They let it wash away the mud, filthy water trickling over their faces and down their arms. Each kiss was sweeter than the last as they found their own rhythm and synced with one another. It had happened so quickly, none of the awkwardness there that usually came with kissing someone new. It felt exciting and fresh but in the same way putting on your comfy slippers after a week on holiday felt exciting and fresh. It was like something you’d missed, that was familiar but still a little alien after a long time.

“Let me wash your hair,” Harry reached over Louis’ shoulder and pulled a bottle of shampoo from the rack on the wall. He held it beneath his arm, clamped to his side, and tilted Louis’ head all the way back into the stream. He caught each and every hair, gathering it together to rinse the thick of the mud out it, no strand getting left behind.

“I’m going to take my top off before you start washing.” Louis looked directly at Harry, part of him waiting for approval before he started to undress. Harry nodded encouragingly, doing an amazing job of hiding the lust in his eyes.

“Do you need any help?” he asked, watching as Louis grasped at the hem of his t-shirt and started to tug. It was stuck fast to his skin, clinging to every curve and making it more difficult to pull off.

“Could you maybe get the back?” Harry moved closer and reached around for the back of the shirt. Carefully, so his fingers didn’t make contact with skin, he bunched it in his hands and matched Louis’ pace to get it over his head smoothly. “Thank you. You can look at me you know? If you want to, I mean.”

Harry had seen Louis in various stages of undress before, but this was different. They had crossed that line tonight, no longer friends changing in front of each other or swimming in the sea. They were heading towards lover territory and now, his eyes trailed over the smooth skin, the smattering of hair between his pecs and the mismatched tattoos in a different way. The appreciation for a beautiful body was still there but the heat was brand new; now it was a yearn, a burning urge to touch and to put his mouth on every inch. He swallowed hard, taking in every detail. The slightly rounded belly, fluffy with soft, dark hair giving way to a coarser trail that led down into his pants. Hip bones protruding from the top of his jeans, water gathering briefly in the hollows and running over the waistband of his boxer shorts. The divot of his belly button even seemed sexy. Back up his eyes went, taking in each rib that climbed up towards large, dark nipples. Harry’s weakness was Louis’ collarbones, adorned with the tattoo that spread from one side of his chest to the other. Without realising what he was doing he leaned down and kissed them, his lips fitting perfectly in the hollow. Louis’ hand went straight to the back of his head, getting lost in the curls. He let out a soft moan, the sensation of a warm mouth on his skin almost too much to bear. Harry let the tip of his tongue lightly trace where his lips had been, the shampoo bottle clattering to the floor as he wrapped his arms around Louis’ bare torso. He felt amazing, the combination of his supple body and the slick wetness of the water was a sensory overload. He pulled him close and hard nipples brushed against his chest, his own responding almost immediately to the contact.

Louis pulled away to look at Harry; his skin browned from all the time they spent in the sun, faint white lines where his t-shirt kept him covered. He was in exceptionally good shape, his abs pronounced and a strong v leading down to the low waist of his trousers. Louis took in Harry’s nipples, small and dark like chocolate kisses and slightly lower, another two extra ones, even smaller. His stomach dragged in and out with staggered breaths, the laurel tattoos on his hips moving with it. He reached out a hand, tracing a line with his fingertips down the centre of his chest and watched as his body sucked in behind them in anticipation.

“Let's try this hair washing thing again,” he whispered, crouching down to pick up the bottle from where it had fallen. He let his hands run down the outside of Harry’s leg for balance and felt the man shudder above him.

He came back up slowly, letting his eyes pass over the noticeable bulge of Harry’s erection straining against his fly. He knew that his own must be just as noticeable and he felt a kind of weird comfort that he wasn’t alone in how turned he was getting. He squirted shampoo into his hands, raising his arms to reach Harry’s hair. He smoothed the thick liquid over his scalp, his fingers digging in and starting to massage it in. Harry’s eyes closed and he sucked a deep breath in through his nose, surrendering to the sensation of the scrubbing. The lather was darkening with dirt as Louis ran his hands down the full length of his hair, rubbing it between his palms. He brought his fingers to Harry’s temples, pressing down firmly and pushing all the way round to the back of his head. Louis stepped closer so he could reach properly and felt his hardness graze Harry’s own, both of them hissing with lust.

“Swap places with me, rinse.” They circled each other, and Louis tipped Harry’s head under the spray. Water coursed down his hair, running over his face and onto his exposed throat. One of Louis’ hands made its way onto his pec, his heart slamming against his chest beneath it.

“Louis, do you mind if- Can I take my trousers off? I’m not insinuating anything, but wet leather isn’t comfortable and its, erm... it’s starting to hurt.”

In place of words, Louis reached down and unfastened Harry’s button. He pushed at the waistband watching the leather glide down over his thighs and expose his brightly patterned boxer briefs. His excitement was even more obvious, the pattern of his underwear warped against it. Louis’s fingers found his own button, popping it open and then reaching for his fly.

“Could I?” Harry put his hand over Louis’, waiting for the go ahead before he reached for the zip. When Louis nodded, he dropped to his haunches, pulling down the zip slowly and dragging the soaking wet jeans down to his ankles. He supported Louis as he stepped out of the jeans and threw them to the other side of the bathtub. On his way back to standing, Harry trailed kisses up the front of Louis’ legs, respectfully stopping well before he reached his upper thighs.

“You could have kissed my thighs if you wanted.” No sooner had the words left his mouth, Harry was down on his knees in front of him. His mouth pressed frantic kisses all over his thighs, Harry even leaning round to kiss the back of Louis’ legs. His fingers held onto the meatiest part of them, alternating between massaging and tickling over his skin.

Harry stood back up and squirted shampoo into his own hands, quickly pressing their bodies together again and roughly lathering Louis’ hair. He wasn’t wasting time anymore, so desperate to keep exploring the beautiful body against his own.

“Can I wash you?” Harry reached for the body wash as Louis nodded coyly, ignoring the loofah that hung next to it and instead lathering up his hands. He started at Louis’ neck, one hand at a time running from front to back and up to the edge of his hairline. He ran gently over his throat and down onto his chest, spreading lather over the tops of his shoulders and down the length of his arms. Each touch was a spark, electricity rushing through Louis’ veins. He wasn’t nervous or anxious about being touched, he wasn’t self-conscious about the bumps and dips of his scars; he was just feeling every single stroke. Harry took Louis’ hands in his own, washing each finger and the webs in between; his fingers circling his palm, gliding over the backs and the ridges of his knuckles. He got more soap, running down from just below the dip of Louis’ armpits over his ribs and further still to his slim waist. He stilled, feeling the curve where his body tapered in, rubbing slowly over the swell of his hips. Harry’s fingers sunk into the soft flesh that preceded the undulation of his arse, not quite letting himself go any lower. Louis caught his breath and groaned as the sensation travelled over him. Harry doubled back to his stomach, taking his time to swipe his pinkie inside of Louis’ bellybutton before he lathered down to his hipbones.

Louis couldn’t take anymore; he pulled Harry against him, covering his eager mouth with his own. The lather only served to help them glide together, the smooth motion thrilled them and ignited the inferno that was slowly smouldering beneath the surface until they were whining into each other’s mouths. It was a heady blur; fingers tugging at hair, teeth grazing lips, hands roaming over skin as they toppled over the edge, self-control a thing of the past. Louis rutted against Harry, wanting to feel what didn’t seem possible; a higher level of pleasure. It was an overload, blissful and all-encompassing. He wanted it all at once; he wanted to touch, wanted to watch, wanted to taste.

Harry sunk his fingers into Louis, needing him closer, needing to feel more. He wanted to devour him and feel every inch of his body. He had been so afraid of losing control, but here he was, animalistic and raw as he broke away from their kiss to chew on Louis’ neck. Hearing him cry out, his voice breaking at its peak, awakened something in his gut and his lips closed around his teeth to suck small bruises on the delicate skin of Louis’ throat.

“I want to feel you,” Louis rasped, his voice silken against Harry’s ear. He was reaching down, pushing Harry’s boxers down over his arse, his hand following behind to caress the smooth skin. Pleasure made Harry curve his spine inwards, their crotches rubbing together again; Louis moaned and worked faster to get the sopping pants down his legs. They dropped to his ankles with a thud, the spray of the shower teasing Harry’s aching head as he stepped out of them. He pulled Louis close again, his hardness pressing between them and resting on Louis’ stomach.

“Can you....Harry, please.... can you?” Louis was struggling to speak, every breath he drew in sticking in his chest until he forced it down to his lungs.

“You want these off?” Harry let his fingers slide slightly under Louis’ waistband, not wanting to presume anything.

“Fuck yes! I want to feel you against me.” Harry brought his other hand up and teasingly slid the pants down Louis’ legs, crouching with them and removing them from around his ankles. He didn’t touch him, even when his eyes drew level with his leaking head and sent a jolt to his own dick. He subtly swirled his palm around himself in a twisting motion, giving the game away when he keened loudly at the intensity of his own touch; it had never felt so good to touch himself. Boundaries needed to be set and respected, but Harry let out a puff of hot breath as he came back up and shivered with anticipation when Louis’ hips bucked forward in response.

“Are you okay? Take the lead baby,” Harry spoke directly into Louis’ mouth, his tongue flicking out to taste his lips before he pulled him into a deep kiss. Louis took a step forward, their naked bodies colliding. “This is all about you, tell me how to make you feel good. I want to make you feel so good.” He dragged out every syllable, enunciated every word.

“Push me against the wall,” Louis’ request surprised him; it had flown out of his mouth from the most primal side of him, but he knew that what he’d said was true.

Harry put a hand in the small of Louis’ back, his fingers just brushing the top of his cheeks. They spun smoothly, Harry leaning his body in and using his weight to push Louis backwards. His back made contact with the cold tiles, the added sensation pulling a whine from his mouth as he acclimatised to the differing temperatures. He was on fire, every nerve end alive and pulsing with want, the overwhelming need for release tugging at the base of his cold spine. Harry knotted their hands together, lifting Louis’ arms above his head and holding them gently against the walls. He was keeping him in place but leaving enough room for him to slip out of the grasp if it all got too much.

Louis feverishly bucked forward, yearning for contact and almost ready to beg. Harry took the cue and rolled his entire body from the top down. Noses pressed together, chests, stomachs and, finally... finally...

“ARGH, FUCK!” Louis screamed loud and low, unsure if he could bare it as Harry continued to roll and rut against him. He forced his eyes open, he needed to watch this beautiful man coming undone. It was clumsy and teenage but felt so right.

Harry’s hair was stuck to his face, beads of water rolling over his skin and glistening under the bright spotlights. His face was scrunched in pleasure; his jaw slack as panted breaths escaped, his cheeks flushed with excitement. He kept his eyes closed, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and speeding up the rolls. He pressed down harder, moved faster and Louis felt his knees starting to tremble.

“Louis you are so fucking... so fucking incredible. You feel amazing against me, I love you, I love you.” Harry was lost, the passion taking over and driving every thrust. His eyes shot open, locking onto the deep blue of Louis’, his pupils immediately blowing. “So beautiful.” They brought their mouths together again and their tongues immediately came up to meet each other as they melted into it.

“Harry? I need to touch... I need to cum so fucking badly,” Louis could hear the whine in his voice, the slightly begging tone as he tried to hold out from coming untouched all over Harry’s stomach. He needed to stroke himself, to bring himself to that peak.

“Do you want me to stay?” Always so respectful and considerate, it only turned Louis on more.

“Yes! I want to watch you.” Harry moaned and released Louis’ hands. He grasped his own cock, his head falling back as he started to slowly jerk himself. Knowing Louis was watching made it so much hotter, it was a performance. It would be a short one if he carried on like this, he was already going crazy, out of his mind.

“Jesus,” Louis whispered, his own hands stroking up his inner thighs, his eyes never leaving the pumping hand between Harry’s legs. Tentatively, he reached across and rolled Harry’s nipple between his forefinger and thumb and the reaction was instant.

“LOUIS! FUCK!” Harry’s hand sped up, twisting as he reached his head, his thumb gliding over his slit and spreading his own slick over the tight skin. He tugged his foreskin back, the light pink of his shaft peeking out from between his clasped fingers. Holding it back, he closed his other hand over his head, rotating his wrist and allowing his palm to make friction on his most sensitive area.

It was too much for Louis to bear, his hand shooting from his thigh to pull at his own cock. There was no taking his time, he pulled frantically, his other hand tugging hard on Harry’s nipple. It must have been painful, but that seemed to be working for Harry; his head rolled forward, and his eyes started to search Louis’ face, taking in every twitch, every clench of his jaw, every time his eyes rolled back in ecstasy. He went back to working his own shaft, watching Louis pull himself closer and closer to his crest. Their conversation from the bakery that morning slammed into his head, it seemed like years ago, but he knew what he had to do.

“Cum for me Lou, I want to see you fucking loose it. I want to watch you bring yourself off hard. I want to hear you moan my name when you cum.” Louis’ hand sped up as he released Harry’s nipple and dug his nails into the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. Harry nudged his hips forward, their tips sliding over each other. They moaned in unison, their slick mixing together as they picked up their pace. “That’s it baby, keep fucking going. I want to feel you splash onto my stomach; I want to feel your traces on my skin. Don’t stop!”

“Fucking hell, Harry,” Louis couldn’t stand it. Hearing Harry dirty talk like this would be the end of him, he just knew it. His mouth was dry, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. He could taste the anticipation sweet and acidic on his tongue. “Kiss me! Please kiss me!”

Harry grabbed the back of Louis’ neck and pulled him in roughly. One large hand wrapped around his slender neck and up onto the back of his head like it was nothing, giving him full control. Harry’s fingers carded through the underneath of his hair, his nails lightly scraping at his scalp to send shivers through him.

Between them, their hands stuttered and pulled with a renewed sense of urgency. Feeling their knuckles knock together, guttural grunts escaping from one mouth and straight into another, their leaking tips grazing together and eliciting whines and moans from quivering lips.

“Cum for me baby, let me feel it,” Harry broke the kiss to purr at Louis, his hand never leaving the back of his neck so he could press their noses together. It was Louis’ undoing.

The heat tugged at his stomach, fire spreading down into his balls that tightened up into his body. His hand was cramping, his fingers starting to go numb, but nothing could stop him now, his crest building in waves and taking his breath. Harry leaned forward, biting gently on Louis’ bottom lip and tugging it out. He cried out for Harry, his name like silk on the tip of his tongue. He keened in his throat, the sound of a man at the total mercy of pleasure. It was only Harry holding him up now as his knees buckled and his orgasm forced its way out of him with feverish rapture. He was tripping over the cliff edge, falling, chasing the high. His cock pulsed in his hand again and again as he shot hot and hard onto Harry’s stomach and over his own knuckles. Why had he waited so long for this? Had it always been this good?

Feeling Louis let go, hearing his euphoria echo around the bathroom like war cries, Harry felt his own orgasm teetering at the edge. He started to concentrate on just his tip again, his hand twisting fast and his thumb rubbing over his slit. He panted; every breath painful as his taut muscles dragged his orgasm out of him. He pivoted his hips slightly, not wanting to move Louis from where he was recovering with his head resting on his shoulder. His own peak came quietly but with no less intensity. He hummed from between clenched lips, the vibrations tickling his tongue. Avoiding Louis, he felt his cum pump onto his own feet, quickly washed away under the shower spray.

All Louis could hear was the pounding of his own heart as blood rushed behind his ears. His breathing was slowly coming back down but his body was still lost in the high of sexual anticipation; his arms were jelly and his legs quivered beneath his weight. He draped himself over Harry, caressing the pulsing muscles in his shoulders.

“You could have... you didn’t have to turn away from me. At the end I mean.” Louis had been surprised that Harry didn’t return the favour that he had bestowed on him during his own orgasm.

“Tonight, was all about you Louis, not me. And no matter how much I was into that, and it was HOT, it still wasn’t about me. We’re moving at your pace.”

“Okay, well, next time?” Louis smiled seductively, trailing a finger down Harry’s chest and onto his stomach.

Harry gave a sarcastic sigh, his eyes rolling upwards. “Okay fine, but I’m charging double for that.”

They laughed, embracing and kissing like they’d been doing it all their lives, shuffling around each other in a bizarre shower dance. Happiness stretched to every corner and left no room for doubts, no room for regret or embarrassment. There was tenderness in every touch of their lips but still the quiet desperation of men who knew they could be living on borrowed time. Their instincts told them to feel it all, remember it all, live through it all. Harry had broken down the walls around Louis’ heart and nestled himself around it, a protective barrier to keep out the darkness that tried to claim it. They were exactly where they were meant to be, and Harry was ready to fight to keep them there.

Notes:

How do we all feel about the spice? I didn't want to introduce it too early but I feel like now is the right time for Louis? Let me know!

Chapter 17: Feeling Good In My Skin

Summary:

Harry and Louis keep pushing the boundaries of their sexual relationship. When they attend Alba's birthday party, Harry has a surprise for Louis. But will it be received the way he's planned, or will it force a wedge between them?

Notes:

IT'S FINALLY HERE!

Thank you all so much for your patience, I know this has took a lot longer than usual. I have agonised over this chapter so much. It's been edited and rewritten more times than I can count and I'm finally ready to just publish it and be done with it haha. I haven't got any music this time because lets be honest, the list would be ridiculous at this stage. I really hope you guys enjoy it but please let me know what you think in the comments.

There's a bit of everything in here; smut, angst, fluff and even the double act joy that is Anne and Jay! Apologies for any errors or mistypes, I'll be going through it again at a later date to clean them up. I just can't read it through again for fear I'll start changing it.

Happy reading everyone!

That night, the night of the shower, had brought Louis to an understanding with his body. A positive shift that reminded him that he was worthy of pleasure and that his body deserved to be appreciated and treated with kindness and love. Sharing that discovery with Harry had made it all the sweeter; there wasn’t another person in the world that could ever make him feel more desirable. That night, before their hearts had even slowed, Harry had scooped Louis up and carried him along the hall to his room. Somehow, he knew exactly what was needed after such an intense experience. Although naturally, and logically for that matter, it would have made sense for him to cup his hands underneath Louis’ bum he instinctively wrapped one around his waist and the other midway down his thighs. He had kissed him gently, nose nudging at the freshly washed skin around his mouth. When they reached the bedroom, he sat down and allowed Louis to unwrap his legs from where they had locked around his waist. He took the towel and patted at the damp locks that were starting to curl upwards from Louis’ neck.

“Do you want the towel now Lou?” Always so considerate in the way he worded everything. There was no expectation or assumption in his voice; he was offering Louis the easy option for whatever he was most comfortable with.

“No,” he had answered quietly. Harry had said nothing more, but he scooted round to sit behind Louis and started to towel him dry across his back and shoulders. It had been the perfect aftercare; the gentle friction of the towel combined with the radiating heat from another body had soothed Louis and reminded him exactly why he had been ready to do this. The smell of Harry’s skin, so different to his own despite the shared shower gel, smoothed every crease in his brain where the bad thoughts tried to lurk. He had found himself leaning further and further back, eventually giving in and sinking onto Harry’s chest. Although they were both naked, it wasn’t a sexual moment for either of them, it was all about watching out for the possible drop that could hit Louis any minute. Such a perfect moment, and Harry had needed no guidance. It gave a bit of a hint as to what he’d been into in the past, the dom vibes were through the roof, but the fact that he was so clearly in the same headspace as Louis, and wasn’t finding arousal in the moment, only cemented just how right he was for the first dip back in the pool.

He had curled on his side in the bed next to Louis, not advancing towards him for a hug but allowing him to process all the new touch he’d experienced in the last couple of hours. Hearing Harry breathing as his body gave into sleep, knowing that he was by his side was enough in that moment. When Louis had taken his time working through it in his head, he had rolled towards the sleeping figure and been pleasantly surprised when his arm raised up for Louis to crawl underneath. Even on the cusp of sleeping and wakefulness, he was so ready to provide whatever Louis needed from him.

He was in tune with the cues of Louis’ body, he could read his expressions and his body language and use what he saw to turn up the heat or to put it on simmer. He had an appreciation for everything he saw, touched and tasted; Louis’ body bore the marks of his past and Harry would gladly kiss and caress every single one of them without awkwardness or repulsion.

“They’re part of you, they’re part of your story and now, they’re part of our story. They remind us of your strength, of your integrity and the broken road you walked to make me the luckiest man alive. I would give anything for you to not have them, because then you would never have been treated so shittily. But I can’t, so instead I will give anything to make you realise just how fucking beautiful you are, from that button nose and those devastatingly blue eyes to the furthest reaches of your heart and your old soul. You are perfect.”

They had been wrapped around each other in Louis’ bed a week later, their naked bodies meshed together, a sheen of rapidly cooling sweat on their skin, when Harry had begun to kiss each and every blemish. Louis had stiffened, self-conscious now that the heat of the moment had passed. Harry had stopped immediately, scooting up the bed to take him in his arms and talk through it all. They had agreed that communication was their best friend as they developed a sexual relationship and that nothing should be left unsaid no matter how difficult the conversation was to have. They had made an agreement that day, Harry could kiss any one of Louis’ scars that he wished, but he would avoid the crude carving of Jack’s name. That was a step too far for Louis and It was added to the list of hard limits they had worked on together.

The last 3 weeks had been an insane rollercoaster of experimentation, intense orgasms and floods of tears. He had gotten to know the other side of Harry, the side he had only seen whispers of in the way he moved his body or the words that tripped off his tongue. Put quite plainly, the boy was filthy but even when he was seductively purring debauched words into Louis’ ears, he still somehow made it seem almost regal. He was a gentleman through and through, his dirty mouth just one of his many perks.

They had moved forward slightly from the mutual masturbation that had kick started this side of their relationship; the previous night Louis had taken Harry’s hand and wrapped it around the base of dick. He had kept hold of his wrist, making sure Harry couldn’t move as he worked his hand up and down his own shaft. He didn’t want Harry to take over, he just wanted him to experience it all alongside him. The fear of looking immature had long since gone and the back-to-basics approach seemed to be really working for Harry. It was a different kind of anticipation, the slow build unfurling in their guts and reaching out in complicated bliss.

“Can I move my hand, Louis? Not up and down, just... maybe I could flick my wrist a little bit?” Harry rasped as Louis thrust up through his hand. He pumped at his shaft, knuckles brushing against Harry’s whenever he worked it down.

“Yes, you ca-oh fuck!” The sentence would always remain unfinished. Harry’s magical hands, capable of seemingly making anything feel good, set away on a slow, torturous twist as he squeezed Louis’ base to push all the blood up to his leaking head. When the slight twist was added to the mix it was a feeling like no other. Louis saw stars; he was keening and wailing, thrusting harder and harder greedily, desperate to feel more but praying he’d feel less.

“I can feel you’re desperate to cum baby, you’re throbbing in my hand. Let it build. Don’t hold yourself tense, relax and feel every...single...thing.” Harry punctuated each of those last words with a sharp bite on his neck, twisting slower to tease Louis into something out of this world.

Louis had lost control of his body, shuddering and wailing through the crest of his orgasm and spilling over his stomach. Harry had coaxed him through it, his hand continuing to twist in place until Louis was completely spent.

“Beautiful,” Harry whispered, kissing Louis’ earlobe and along his jaw. He pulled him close, not caring about cleaning up first before he covered the quaking man’s body with his own. Their stomachs pressed together, Louis’ cum cooling between them. Harry “filthy” Styles strikes again; he moaned at the tickling sensation of the skin slowly peeling apart every time they moved. The hard length of his dick pressed into Louis’ thigh, Harry’s hips slowly rotating to make some friction for himself. “You drive me utterly crazy; do you know that?”

“I’m beginning to get the memo,” Louis quipped. He pulled Harry’s mouth over his own and sank back into the mattress. He was safe, he was sated, and he was loved, what more could he ever want.

 

♥

 

The day of Alba’s birthday party had dawned cloudy and dull. Louis woke and stretched under the duvet, his toes cracking as reached for the end of the bed. For the first time that week Harry had stayed at home the night before, his departure dragged out with ‘just one more’ kisses and tender caresses. He had invited his mum to stay with him for a few days after the party and wanted to prepare the flat he had been neglecting in exchange for Louis’ bed.

Louis swung his legs round and pressed the soles of his feet into the floor until the head rush subsided. Clifford stretched out, his tongue curling with a yawn.

“Come on then lad, let's get ready for the day.”

He showered and changed, choosing a lemon t-shirt with a buttoned collar and long sleeves to match the pastel theme Aurelia had been so excited about. He finished the look with below the knee denim shorts and his trademark Vans; hopefully he’d pass as acceptable, it was a long time since he’d been to a little one's party. He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t nervous about the shorts; children had no filter, and he was pretty sure someone would mention his scars. It wasn’t the questions he minded, more the parent's horrified eyes that flicked over his skin as they admonished their children for being ‘rude’. For some reason he always felt awkward, like he should apologise just for being there, for exposing their little darlings to the reality of the world.

His phone trilled on the kitchen worktop, vibrating its way closer to the edge. Sucking his thumb into his mouth and licking off the traces of jam from his toast, he grabbed it at the last minute.

“Hi mum! Where are you?” Louis was so excited for Jay’s arrival later that day. They’d agreed she should come and meet Anne; Harry and Louis were so sure that they would get on and it seemed like a waste to not get them together.

“Hey Boobear! You sound chirpy this morning. I’m about half an hour away from your flat. I just wanted to make sure that’s where we were meeting?”

“Yep, come here and drop your things off and then we’re meeting over at Canyon Moon before the party. Harry’s closing for the day so everyone can go to Alba’s party.”

“Speaking of Harry... care to tell me exactly why you want me to come and meet his mother? Not that I’m not excited but it seems... a very relationship type thing to do. Something to tell me Lou?”

Louis laughed; his mother didn’t miss a trick. “Just get here safely and then we can talk, okay?”

“Urgh, fine. Keep me in suspense. See you in 30 my darling.” Jay blew noisy kisses down the phone until Louis hung up.

He sipped at his coffee, wondering exactly what he could tell his mum. Was Harry his boyfriend? They hadn’t actually had that conversation yet although the time they spent together, and their flourishing sex life would say that they were. The idea scared Louis, butterflies starting up in his stomach as he imagined being a boyfriend again. Relationships came with obligations and expectations; he was so used to just concentrating on his own stuff that it seemed alien to him to consider what another person might want in exchange for being part of his life. There was still a part of Louis that felt he owed Harry something, that he should be offering parts of himself that he wasn’t entirely ready to give. The fear that if he didn’t, he could be replaced or forgotten for someone simpler and easier to see inside of.

“We’re here!” Harry’s called out from the hall as Clifford ran to greet him. Just the sound of his voice brought a smile onto Louis’ lips, warmth spreading out from his heart across his chest.

“Aren’t you a beautiful boy, hmmm?” A soft, female voice cooed to Clifford and Louis felt his heart rate spike. It was time to meet Harry’s mum and he was terrified. He’d never met anyone’s parents before and he wasn’t sure how to behave. Was this how Harry felt meeting his mum? It made him feel bad for teasing and he sent a silent thanks up to the Heavens that the favour hadn’t been returned.

“Lou? You still here?” That beautiful head of curls popped round the kitchen door, eyes immediately finding Louis where he stood frozen against the worktop, his fingers curled tightly around the granite edge. “It’s okay,” he whispered under his breath.

“Hi Louis! I’m Anne. It’s absolutely amazing to finally meet you love.” Anne crossed the room and swept Louis into a warm embrace.

“Mum!” Harry cut in, his voice raising an octave as his hand shot out to grab her arm. “Louis doesn't really like hu-”

“It’s okay Harry,” Louis smiled softly over Anne’s shoulder, the scent of her freshly washed hair wafting up his nostrils and making him even more excited for his own mum getting here. “It’s really okay.” He smiled again, letting himself sink deeper into the unexpected hug. It felt familiar, as though he already knew Anne because of the way he knew Harry. For a moment Louis wondered if he might cry. There was an itch inside its brain, working away at his memory, and making him wonder how he knew this feeling so well. How he knew this woman.

“Phew, that was intense. Sorry Louis, I’m not normally quite this sappy.” Anne stepped away, her hands lingering on his upper arms for a split second after they broke apart. She brought them up to her face, quickly flicking the stray tears away from her cheeks, and tilting slightly so Louis couldn’t see her vulnerability. “I just feel like I know you, mad old woman that I am.”

“You’re not mad... I felt it too.” Louis offered Anne a wistful smile, his hand reaching across to take hers for a moment. They both searched the other’s face, tracking the features and lines that made up the whole picture.

“Those eyes... wow, Louis. They go on for centuries; there’s a whole other world behind them, so many stories and lifetimes.” Anne was vaguely hypnotised by the azure glow framed by thick dark lashes. She staggered slightly, the jerked movement seeming to bring her back to Earth.

“You okay mum?” Harry asked, his strong hand coming to her elbow to steady her. She nodded, bringing her fingers to her throat as if she needed a drink. “Mum’s a bit... well I suppose you could say she’s a bit spooky.” Harry turned to Louis and smiled, his shoulders shrugging self-consciously.

“You’re making me sound like an old hippie H,” she admonished playfully. “It’s just a bit of tarot, reading people’s vibes sometimes. I like to learn about things and I’m not arrogant enough to believe that humans are the be all and end all of the universe.”

“I couldn’t agree more Mrs Styles.” Louis turned and flicked the kettle on in the hopes the movement would cover up the involuntary shudder that ran through his body. He’d always been much the same as Anne, able to pick up on things and read people’s intentions from the kind of energy there were putting out. He wouldn’t ever say he had a gift, more like an intuition. But he felt certain that he had known Anne before somewhere and even more certain he would know her again.

“Urgh, no Mrs Styles for me love. That’s my ex-husband's mother.” She winked his direction, the intensity of their meeting slow dissipating and leaving a comfortable atmosphere behind. “Just call me Anne.”

Harry made his way over to Louis, gesturing for his mum to sit down at the kitchen table while they made the tea. He closed his fingers around Louis’ wrist and brought his hand up to his mouth, kissing every clenched knuckle until his fingers unfurled. The gentle kisses carried on across his palm, the last one popping from Harry’s lips onto the pulse point of Louis’ wrist. The soft, wet tip of Harry’s tongue flicked out so quickly it was barely there, save for the trail of fire it left in Louis’ groin.

 

♥

 

Jay had arrived 15 minutes later to a kitchen filled with laughter. Louis was so at ease with Anne, his body leaning into Harry’s as he told stories about their adventures with all the sass and wit that came so naturally to him. It warmed Jay to see her son being admired; he had always drawn people in even when he was a child and that side of him was starting to reappear with every moment Harry was in his life.

Louis had leapt up from the table and thrown his arms around her, their bodies rocking from side to side. He’d eagerly introduced her to Anne, proudly showing her off like a toddler with their first friend from nursery. Just like Harry, Anne had been friendly and open, hugging Jay close and whispering “Look at our beautiful boys,” into her ear.

Harry and Louis were oblivious to the looks they were getting. They had settled back at the table, Louis twisting the ends of Harry’s curls round his fingers, Harry staring at Louis with love shining out of his eyes. They were chatting about the upcoming party and the joint gift they had painstakingly chosen together on a trip to Oxford Street. Their happiness was apparent, their urgent need to be close to each other always just one of the many things that ignited a spark of hope for the future. Jay had never expected to see this version of Louis ever again; she had given up all hope for the light to come back to his smile. His eyes had been dead and lifeless mere months ago and now they sparkled. They seemed bluer somehow, reflecting the vibrant green of Harry’s own.

They made their way across the street to Canyon Moon; Harry, Louis and Clifford took the lead. The two men were hand in hand, their arms pressed together from shoulder to wrist. Lost in their own world, their laughter drifted back to Anne and Jay who followed a short distance behind.

“I’m so glad we’re getting to meet finally. All I’ve heard from Harry is ‘Louis and his mum Jay’ for weeks. It’s like meeting a celebrity!” Anne swept her smooth chocolate waves away from her face, grimacing slightly as they caught in the hinges of her movie star sunnies.

"Louis has been so nervous, I think he was really pleased when I said I’d come to. He gets so anxious that people will think he’s no good. Stupid really for someone who brings so much joy to the world. I’m his buffer, someone to showcase his best bits. Not that he needs me.”

“Harry told me what happened,” Anne said quietly, her hand reaching across to take Jay’s. “I happen to think your boy is incredible but don’t forget to give yourself some credit. You’ve been an absolute warrior through this.”

“I didn’t have a choice, someone had to fight for my boy when he couldn’t,” Jay lowered her head, tears threatening on her lashes. “But Harry, well... I can’t thank him enough. He’s been a breath of fresh air for Lou, he’s inspired him to live again. He’s made him remember that he’s special and that he’s deserves to be treated like a human being.”

Ahead of them Clifford barked playfully, and the two women stopped to watch their sons rolling around in the grass with the oversized puppy. There wasn't an ounce of self-consciousness, they were both too lost in their joy.

“Do you think the plan is working?” Anne asked quietly, letting Jay know she knew all about the discussions she’d had with Harry.

“If anyone can do it, Harry can. You should be so proud of him Anne. He has this way of giving Louis every option, of showing him the different outcomes he has to choose from. He doesn’t use guilt or manipulation to try and change his mind; it’s all love.”

They reached the bakery, Harry pulling the door open and waving them all through into air-conditioned bliss.

“ANNE! My favourite milf.” Niall barrowed into her, sweeping her off her feet and spinning her round.

“Put me down you great loaf,” she bantered playfully, slapping his shoulders. When her feet were back on solid ground, she pulled him in and kissed both of his cheeks. “I’ve missed you Nialler. How's the love life?”

“Don’t ask. I’m living vicariously through these two soppy twats,” Niall laughed, gesturing at Harry and Louis. “I’m available if you’re asking?” He wiggled his eyebrows in faux seduction, letting his tongue loll out of his mouth.

“If I’m ever in the market for trouble I’ll be sure to give you a call. Hello, Liam love.” Anne turned to Liam and stroked his arm, kissing him the same way she did Niall. “Have you all met Jay?” They both nodded and pecked kisses onto Jay’s cheeks.

“Right, I need to get back. Aurelia was stressing over party bags when I left. She’ll have my guts for garters if I don’t go and help. See you all in an hour or so!” Liam disappeared out of the door, raising his arm above his head in a wave.

Anne and Jay pulled out the chairs at the nearest table, settling into easy conversation. Louis watched with mounting interest; they looked like old friends with none of the usual trepidation you would expect to see when people met for the first time. That feeling of familiarity that had swarmed him when he hugged Anne still clung to his skin, not entirely unpleasant but still making him feel slightly on edge. It was all too perfect, too easy. He had gotten used to struggle and hardship so when things were going so good, he was always waiting for the bomb to drop, for the peace to be shattered.

He turned to watch Harry making coffees behind the counter with Niall. He looked amazing. Sticking to the pastel theme, he’d chosen a soft, lilac jumper that hung loose and draped down to his hips. The sleeves were rolled to just above his elbows, exposing his strong, tanned forearms. Louis watched his muscles flex as he twisted the coffee beans onto the espresso machine. His face was twisted with mirth at something Niall had said; he threw his head back and laughed while his experienced hands continued making coffee without any conscious effort. Harry’s freshly washed curls were held back from his face with a patterned headscarf; his smooth skin was sheening in the afternoon sun that shone through the front window, plump lips curled into a smile. Everything about him was captivating; for Louis, knowing that his beauty didn’t stop at the surface only added to the desperation of his need to consume him. It was an addiction, he craved more even before he had finished a hit. And although he knew Harry could so easily lead to his downfall, the exhilarating high was worth every minute of risk.

 

♥

 

The black cab pulled up outside of the Islington Ecology Centre; even the outside was adorned with balloons and streamers in a variety of pastel colours. Lemons, powder pinks, baby blues and lilacs all bundled together like a row of macaroons. The sun was still high in the sky and the sound of children’s high-pitched laughter carried on the summer breeze.

Harry opened the door and helped his mum and Jay out of the cab, both bustling with excitement at the thought of all the babies in need of cuddling and tired parents grateful for the chance to get a hot coffee and five minutes peace. The two women had hit it off immediately; seemingly they were very similar personalities if the cackling laughter was anything to go by. They steamed ahead, not looking back to their sons, and pushed through the main doors of the building where they were immediately swallowed into the fray.

He watched as Louis eased out of the cab and tried to swallow the nerves that were bobbing in his throat. This was the biggest social gathering he would have been to in a long time. It was different in the club; he wasn’t so exposed. Here, there would be no dark corners to hide in, no alcohol to act as a social lubricant. The building itself was bright and airy; perfect for a children’s party but a nightmare for a part-time recluse who favoured hiding in the corner. Clifford immediately came to Louis’ thigh, his wet nose pressed into his quivering palm. Harry, who had become accustomed to the cues given by Clifford, was at his side immediately. He swivelled his body in front of the building, blocking the view that had somehow spiked terror in Louis’ eyes.

“Hey, you okay?” He pressed a kiss on the tip of Louis’ nose and pulled his free hand up to his jumper clad chest where it quivered, tapping out a rhythm. Louis allowed his fingers to knot into the soft cashmere; he tried to concentrate on the feel of the fabric, the sensation of it on his fingertips, the solid chest beneath that was a complete juxtaposition to the delicate knit.

“Nervous,” Louis said on an exhale. “I know that’s stupid, it's just a kids party but-” He stopped, unsure of how to explain what was going on inside of his head. The intrusive thoughts were illogical, and of course Louis knew that, but it didn’t stop them jostling in his brain for attention.

“Okay, firstly, whatever is going on in there is never stupid. Do you hear me? Never ever stupid.” Harry punctuated the last few words with gentle kisses on the inside of Louis’ wrist. “I could tell you that we’ll call a cab and just leave, but I know that’s not what you want. I know that you want to go in there and spend time with our friends. You’re allowed to feel nervous and chaotic, you’re a human being Louis. You’re allowed to wonder what everyone is going to think of you and whether they’re going to stare at your scars. But what I want you to remember is, not one bit of any of that shit matters. It doesn’t change you or that sweet, soft centre that you’ve got. It doesn’t change what anyone who loves you thinks. And it doesn’t matter how messy it gets, I’m never going to leave you alone to deal with it. Never, never ever.”

Louis pushed himself forward and into Harry’s arms, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss. It was a kiss of understanding, of gratitude. For Harry, every kiss felt like he was opening up; Louis’ lips fluttered over his own like butterfly wings. He could taste cocoa butter from hastily applied lip balm and the traces of coffee that lingered on both of their tongues. Kissing Louis was like catching a smile in a bottle; he wanted to keep it forever to bask in the beauty of it but he knew that it would never be quite as good as having the real thing.

“I love you Harry,” Louis whispered against his lips.

“I love you too,” Harry whispered back as he pushed their foreheads together. “Shall we do this thing?”

“You bet. Can’t keep Miss Alba waiting for her gifts.” They joined hands and strode towards the doorway.

The Ecology Centre was a strange little building. In reality, it looked like the sort of community hall you would expect to find in the suburbs of central London, all metal and glass. But around it the grass spread for miles, acres of nature and fresh air surrounding them and bringing the smell of a countryside summer. As they drew nearer, Louis let his fingers trail across the wildflowers and weeds that grew tall at the sides of the gravel path and chuckled as butterflies and bees took to the sky at the disturbance.

Right outside the door, nestled amongst a collection of mismatched plant pots, a signpost made from old wooden pallets was propped against the wall. “ALBA’S FIRST TRIP TO ONE-DERLAND" swirled across the top in higgledy-piggledy writing and then underneath, “FALL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE THIS WAY” and a variety of arrows pointing in all different directions.

“Oh my God, an Alice theme! This is going to be beyond precious!”

Harry smiled at the excitement that coated Louis’ words, strange how something so simple could boost his mood. He had known that the Alice theme would get him, he was such a Disney nerd as well as being appreciative of classic literature, so this whole thing would be an eye opener for him. Aurelia had always been the very best at organising parties and get togethers; she had a keen eye for detail and didn’t let a little hard work put her off. She had been more than happy to help Harry arrange a little surprise for today. Now all Harry had to do was keep Louis here until the other guest had left.

Inside the party room, the atmosphere was electric. An actual tree seemed to sprout from the floor and grow up the main wall. The branches were wrapped in fairy lights with pastel paper lampshades and a stuffed Cheshire Cat sat high in the branches, his long tail draped over the tree limb below. There were more signs hanging from it; one that pointed to the buffet and read “Mad Hatter’s Tea Party” and another that pointed to the garden outside and read “Croquet with the Queen”. Dotted around the trunk were arrows that pointed in all different directions and read things like “Yonder”, “Over There”, “No Way” and “Somewhere”. Harry looked around the room, his eyes widening at the massive balloon arch that curled around the doorway. Balloons of all sizes were drawn together in a soft, bubbly whirl; the pastel colours were interspersed with transparent glittery balls and a thin wire of more fairy lights. A banner was pulled tight above the chairs provided for parents; “WE’RE ALL MAD HERE” scrawled across it in haphazard letters. There were already a few tired looking parents slumped beneath it, their arms filled with bags and coats. Children of all sizes whizzed around the room with toys and tricycles; some of them chased each other and squealed with glee, others sat quietly hosting tea parties or rocking their baby dolls to sleep. In the corner of the room a small soft play had been erected for the littler little ones. Harry couldn’t help but smile at the pudgy arms and legs that flailed with glee at the bright colours and squishy toys that their parents waved in front of them.

“You getting broody there son?” Anne came over to them, a china teacup in each hand. Her smile, a mirror image of Harry’s, spread right to her eyes as she watched him knowingly.

“I love kids,” Harry replied goofily, his fingers waggling at a little girl who couldn’t take her eyes off him. “And Louis is some sort of baby whisperer. I can’t wait to see you with our ki...” He stopped dead, his head whipping round to look at Louis. “Sorry, that was-”

“Don’t apologise.” Louis was smiling, but his eyes were dull with sadness. “You’ll make an amazing daddy one day.” He bowed his head and cleared his throat. It was hard to think that one day Harry would be doing all this; he would be that parent who always threw big birthday parties with no expense spared, he would be the one coaching his kids’ school teams and the one who always baked biscuits whenever there was a sleepover. His would be the house they all flocked to; the cool parent who didn’t let anything slide but still somehow made everything fun. He would be the confidant; the one his kids’ friends came to when they needed advice or were having a hard time at home. And it killed Louis to think that he wouldn’t be the one Harry did it all with. He would just be a painful memory, a trauma that leaked into Harry’s everyday life and hung over his marriage to someone better.

“That was a stupid thing to say,” Harry’s face was rapidly turning red. He looked to the ceiling to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill over. Clearly, he’d just had the same revelation about their future. Anne stood awkwardly, looking between them both and trying to decide how much or how little she should say.

“Please, just stop apologising. Let’s go and find Alba,” Louis craned his neck around the room, unable to look at the pain that had taken over Harry’s face. It was sobering to know that he was the cause of it and if he thought about it for too long, he might do something stupid. And although it probably made him selfish, he wasn’t ready to let go of Harry. He wasn’t ready to go back to being lonely and isolated just yet.

Harry shot a look at Anne, somewhere between devastated and mortified. His mum grasped his arm and gave him a sympathetic smile. He knew they would talk about it at length whenever they got chance, but in the meantime, he wanted to go after Louis and try to get their afternoon back on track. He hadn’t let himself think about the very real possibility of a future without Louis, it didn’t seem possible. There was no option in his mind but to always wake up to his soft body curled tight into the delve of Harry’s stomach, their legs entangled, and hands clasped tight. He couldn’t imagine not cooking breakfast for the two of them while Louis scribbled in his journal and sang along to every love song that came on the radio. There was no way he could ever feel passion the way he did with Louis; the simple brushing of their arms set him on fire in a way no one else ever had.

He watched from slightly behind as Louis guided Clifford through the masses and discreetly pulled him away from sticky hands that tried to pet him. Above all else, Clifford was working and if body language was anything to go by, Louis needed him right now. He glanced briefly over his shoulder to make sure Harry was following and nodded to himself when he realised he was there. As if he could do anything but follow, he’d walk behind that man to the ends of the earth just for one smile. As they walked into the garden the heat hit like a closing door. Miniature polka-dotted tepees had been put up around the garden area to create some shelter and inside each one a nest of cushions and rugs provided impromptu seating. Paper lanterns hung on strings between the trees and a game of croquet was well underway. In amongst all the kids, Niall could be seen waving his mallet above his head and screaming his victory for all to hear. Despite the situation, Harry couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his friend; he was the comic relief in any situation. Louis was smiling too, a genuine smile this time, and when he turned back to Harry the ice was broken, the awkwardness put to one side for the minute.

“Hello lovebirds!” Aurelia smiled and waved from inside a mint green tepee. Beside her, Liam sat with Alba on his knee. Her pudgy arms immediately went out to Louis, her face cracking with glee as she gurgled and giggled. Harry took Clifford’s lead and watched fondly as Louis scooped the little girl up and whooshed her through the air.

“Hey beautiful, beautiful girl! Happy birthday, you’re so big!” Louis cooed, his face coming closer to Alba’s as he rubbed their noses together. She reached for his cheeks, her giggles bordering on hysterical as she pulled at the skin. “And look at your beautiful dress! You look like a princess.

Harry walked over to the tepee and clumsily folded his long legs underneath himself to sit down. He never took his eyes off Louis and Alba for a second. The little girl was wearing a white vest with blue trim and the puffiest blue tutu Harry had ever seen. There was a classical drawing of Alice and the White Rabbit on the front, the word “ONE” was picked out in crystals beneath it. A big, black bow covered most of her head the thin black band causing it to sit at an angle. Frilly white socks and patent black shoes finished the ensemble. She was a little dream; she had no idea that this was all for her and right now she was just lost in Louis’ magical world.

“He’s so good with her, such a natural!” Liam was always dumbfounded when he watched his daughter with Louis. Maybe it was true what they said, kids could definitely pick up on someone’s vibes.

“Whatever you do, please don’t bring it up Li,” Harry pleaded. “I’ve already fucked up enough for one day.”

“Harry... what do you mean?” Aurelia shot him a panicked look, her hand closing over his knee.

“I brought up us having kids, the future. Basically, all the stuff Louis isn’t planning on being around for.”

The couple shared a sad look, wondering how they would feel if either of them suddenly decided that life wasn’t for them. Accidents and sudden deaths were cruel enough, but it must be a different kind of pain when your partner actively chooses to leave you. Harry’s turmoil was obvious; he felt a deep need to reassure and support Louis but the self-preservation side of him wanted to cut and run. Or to scream and shout until Louis changed his mind and promised to stay with him. For now, all he could was keep going, keep giving his love with abandon and hope that Louis would make the choice to stay.

 

They spent most of the afternoon out in the garden with their friends. Clifford laid out of the sun, his head poking out of the tepee to watch over his master. But he needn't have worried. Louis immersed himself in the party; he was a hit with the kids, and they flocked around him, desperately seeking his attention. When he partnered up with Niall, they were like a double act, and they pulled laughs from even the surliest child with their clowning around and easy-going attitudes. Harry sat with Alba on his knee, jiggling her until her head lolled forward with sleep. He shifted her onto his shoulder, revelling in the soft baby breath and snuffling snores. There had been a few instances where the kids had asked questions about Louis’ scars; one little girl had approached from nowhere and gently kissed the scar on his calf. She had told him she wanted to kiss his “beautiful booboo” and Harry’s heart had melted, kids were so pure. It was actually the adults who were rude and made the situation worse. A small group of the nursery mums had spent a good fifteen minutes staring over and whispering behind their prosecco glasses as though they couldn’t be seen. Harry didn’t know if Louis had noticed but it was hard to miss the appalled gasp from the Queen Bee when his shirt slid over his stomach and revealed the edges of the crudely carved name. It had only taken one loaded stare from Harry, and she turned her back, nervously glancing over every now and again.

“No more, I beg! Mercy! Mercy!” Louis called dramatically as he ran, a trail of children following behind him. “Be gone sprites, I’ll never let you take me!” He staged a fall, crumpling dramatically to the floor and throwing his arms over his face. Six or seven kids piled onto his back, jumping and bouncing to try and elicit a comical groan from Louis.

Harry couldn’t help but smile at the loveable buffoon as he suddenly transformed into some sort of Godzilla, fighting back and making the kids squeal in faux fear. He was born to be a Daddy, that much was plain to see. His natural affinity with kids, even ones he’d never met, was contagious. It made Harry want to run into the fray and join in, a certain childish glee that he thought long gone creeping through his bones. He wanted to play make believe, to run through the grass and pretend he was a horse. He wanted to sword fight with pirates and dive into a mermaid lagoon. And he wanted to do all of those things with Louis; no one else. Just Louis. No one could ever compare to the magic Louis brought into his soul.

“You’ve got it so bad, haven’t you?” A shadow fell over Harry’s face as Jay approached him. With no effort she settled down beside him, holding her arms out for Alba’s sleeping form. Harry gratefully passed her over, the front of his jumper damp with sweat where she had laid.

Harry smiled tightly, confirmation in his eyes. “I’m so scared that I’m fucking this up Jay. What if I’m just scaring him off even more?” He pulled grass up from between his crossed legs, something he hadn’t done since he was a teenager and wanted to ask Robbie Mulgavern to be his date for prom.

“No chance. Look at him Harry!” Jay looked over to where Louis was leading a conga line of toddlers and pre-schoolers round the wildflowers, letting out a high-pitched “Wooo” and kicking his leg every few steps. “That man right there, that’s my Boobear. That man is someone I never thought I’d get to spend time with again. He’s fucking thriving! Six months ago, we wouldn’t have even got him here and now look. He’s dancing round the garden, in shorts nonetheless, and playing with all the kids. He’s singing and dancing. He’s living. You did that.”

“He did it Jay, it’s all him. I just gave him a bit of a shove.” Jay’s free hand crept onto Harry’s knee and squeezed in reassurance. “I slipped up today, pushed too far. I mentioned us having kids one day.”

“Your mum told me. Keep pushing him Harry, keep floating the ideas of the future. I’m scared for him, I can see it all over his face that he’s doubting himself about this Dignitas business. I know him too well, same as he knows me; I carried his heart inside of me and I know what’s inside it even better than him sometimes. He needs to be challenged on this.”

“And what if I’m just pushing him closer to it? What if I’m scaring him? What if I let myself believe, and then he leaves me anyway?” Harry looked up to search for Louis. He found him sitting in a tuft of grass, the blades waving high above his head. A little girl had crawled into his lap, and he was helping her thread daisies into a chain.

“I need you to believe Harry, or what's the point in any of this? You found him for a reason; he’s not meant to give up yet.” Jay watched Louis fasten the daisy chain around the little girl's head like a crown. He was like the sun, everyone rotated round him, drawn to the bright light that beamed from within. He was a pure soul with a mischievous heart; to have that rarity ripped away from him was almost to cruel to bear. He felt his mother’s eyes on him, and he looked over, shielding his eyes with his hand. The other came up in a wave, his own discarded daisy chain abandoned across his knee. “I’ve got some work to do with him myself Harry. Trust me, and I’ll trust you. Let’s help him find his second chance.”

The conversation ended when Louis stood up and brushed the dry grass off the seat of his trousers. With the late afternoon sun behind him, he was angelic. He almost galloped across the lawn with a lightness of heart that couldn’t be faked. A summer afternoon playing with children had started something inside of him, something that maybe he’d forgotten. Harry beamed over at him, his own heart soaring as Louis’ happiness poured into him.

“What are you two talking about? Of course, you found the baby mum,” Louis laughed, reaching out with one finger to stroke Alba’s cheek.

“Just watching you with all the kiddies and wondering whether I should find their mothers to sort out a play date,” Jay sassed, trying her best not to laugh at Louis’ outraged expression in case she woke the baby.

“I loved watching you,” Harry chipped in quietly, embarrassment making him dip his head. Louis still made him shy, and not at the moments you’d expect. He could whisper filth in his ear all day long... he had whispered filth in his ear all day long. But the second he opened up slightly, without a moment of heat or desperation, the butterflies kicked into gear and made him self-conscious. As always, Louis knew exactly what to do, curling into Harry’s armpit and resting his head on his shoulder.

“Don’t tell them I said this, but she’s my favourite.” Louis lifted his arm and pointed to the little girl in the grass who was still dutifully making daisy chains between sneaking glances at Louis. “Mia. She asked me to be her boyfriend so, sorry Styles, but you better watch your back! Apparently, I’m more handsome than her current squeeze, Ishmael.” He pointed out a little boy further across the lawn.

“Boyfriend?” Harry asked, wondering if he’d heard Louis correctly. Had he just referred to Harry as his boyfriend?!

“Oh shit! Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. I wasn’t saying that I’m your- I mean not that I don’t want to be- Jesus I’m making a mess of this,” Louis whined, looking over to Jay for some sort of back up.

“Boyfriend is good. I’m just kinda pleased you said it. Can’t go back on it now, my mum will have to rewrite her whole piece for Sign Of The Styles; the official family bi-annual newsletter. She can’t wait to tell everyone someone finally took me on!”

“Okay then, boyfriends.” Louis’ cheeks were tinged pink with happiness. He interlocked their fingers together and leaned over to peck a kiss onto Harry’s soft mouth.

“Good lord, if the PDA is starting, me and Alba are out!” Jay stood up with ease, Alba barely even jostling. “Enjoy the rest of the party boys.” As soon as her back was turned, she let a couple of happy tears slip from beneath her lashes. And she thanked God for the day Harry Styles walked into her son’s life.

 

♥

 

When the last guest had left Louis sighed a breath of relief. He had had an amazing day, so full of fun and laughter that he couldn’t wait to journal it. It had taken a lot out of him, pretending that he didn’t notice the staring or the most savage parents pulling their children away from him as if his scars were contagious. The most peculiar thing was being introduced to so many people who seemed genuinely interested in who he was, what he did and where he came from originally. He’d just about forgotten how to make polite chitchat with randoms, and he’d never been more grateful that Harry was always ready to swoop in at a moment’s notice and take the lead.

He still couldn’t believe that they had made it official, for once his verbal diarrhea had come up trumps and landed him a boyfriend. Underneath the euphoria, a lonely wisp of doubt waited. He didn’t want to think about what this could do to Harry; when they weren’t an official couple, he could tell themselves that even though losing a friend was tough, Harry would be strong enough to get by. But one conversation meant that he would go from losing a friend to losing his boyfriend, the love of his life. If he was more honest with himself, the doubts were getting stronger by the day. Life was so much more enjoyable now and waking up rested without a sense of dread was a moreish feeling that Louis couldn’t get enough of. It was a constant internal battle with the stubborn side of his personality. That side told him he was selfish, that Harry deserved better than being reduced to someone’s comfort blanket. And when his old friend self-loathing joined in, his headspace became the kind of toxic environment you never wanted to find yourself in. The heavy doors behind Louis banged closed, the noise startling him so that he dropped the bunting he was folding as he took it down.

“Starbucks everyone!” Liam had entered backside first, his hands full of cupholders and paper bags hanging over his wrists. Harry’s head shot up at the word ‘Starbucks’ and he crossed the floor silent and swift like some old-fashioned vampire.

“Excuse me Liam.” His arms were folded, his foot tapping against the floor. Somewhere in the middle-distance Niall let out an “UH’OH” and put down the string of fairy lights to come and watch the show. “Starbucks? What is this?!”

“Not a patch on your boss, obviously. But its Starbucks or nothing, so put up and shut up.” Liam thrust a paper cup of cappuccino into Harry’s hand good-naturedly and continued round the room handing out coffee to their helpers. When his hands were free, he reached into the paper bag and pulled out one of the many snacks he’d bought to keep them going. “Muffin for you, muffin?”

Anne snorted behind her hands from the other side of the room, trying and failing to turn it into a cough. Harry leaned forward and dragged his tongue all over the proffered muffin.

“Not too late for me to sack you, you massive prick.”

“Oh please, you’d crumble without me there! Just imagine leaving the bakery in Niall’s supposedly capable hands.!”

“Now now ladies, if you’re going to fight about me the least you can do is take your tops off!” Niall chimed in, all three of them bursting into fits of laughter.

Louis shook his head and turned back to the bunting. Somehow being with this group of weirdos was fun even when they were doing the jobs no one else seemed to want to.

“Louis?” He turned towards Aurelia with a “mmm?” on his lips. “Could you help me over here while those idiots pretend they’re busy.”

“Of course.” He followed her across the squeaky wooden floor to the table that held piles of gifts and cards. It was almost groaning under the weight, parcels of all sizes wrapped in brightly coloured paper and ribbons. “Holy shit! That’s a lot of presents!” Louis was astounded, he’d never seen anything like it.

“Tell me about it. I’m sure the opening will be fun, but God knows where we’re going to keep everything. Our flat isn’t that big,” Aurelia grimaced, running her hand through her hair as she surveyed the pile. “Where on earth do we start?”

“How about we start with the bigger ones first and get them in the boot? Then we can slot the bags round them and maybe put the cards in your handbag? Chances are there’s money in some of them, so you don’t want to lose them.”

“Life saver! How are you so organised with this stuff?”

“I’m the oldest of seven kids with divorced parents, this was my life every Christmas and birthday for a while there.” Louis started to pile some of the bigger gifts up ready to lift out to the car. He listened to Aurelia chatter about this and that, nothing that required too much of his brain power.

“Sorry Rei, what did you say?” Louis became aware that she was staring at him, a gift bag held up in her hands and a whimsical look on her face.

“I said, this one has your name on it?” She held out the golden glitter bag, a mixture of pink and blue ribbons threaded through the holes at the top to hold it closed.

“Must be a different Louis, that one isn’t from me,” Louis smiled and turned back to his job, wondering why she would be surprised that at least one of the gifts would have his name on the tag.

“No Lou, I mean its for you.”

Louis turned slowly, his face twisting with confusion. How could one of the gifts be for him? It wasn’t anywhere near his birthday and the only people here who knew him would have surely just given him a gift in his hands. His eyes tracked over everyone in the room; six smiling faces looked back at him as his friends started to drift over towards them.

“For me? But... why?” He took the gift bag from her outstretched hand and reached for the familiar brown parcel tag. For when you need a bit of a magic it read on one side. His eyes flicked up to Harry as his fingers turned the tag over. He didn’t say anything, just watched Louis from a short distance with a small smile that was almost embarrassed. On the other side the tag read: All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.

“Harry? What is this?” Louis’ heart pounded in his chest. He ran his fingers through the perfectly curled ribbons, fear holding him back from opening up the gift bag.

“It’s been a while since I left you a little gift. Didn’t want you to think I was slacking.” Harry crossed the floor to stand beside Louis. He rested his hand on his shoulder, his eyes encouraging and supportive. “Open it up.”

Louis felt sick, six pairs of eyes were trained on him waiting to see what was inside the bag. Did they already know this was happening? How long had they been planning? He fought down the nausea that swarmed him and tried to enjoy the moment. This was romantic, not an ambush, but his body didn’t always remember that when it came to surprises. He turned to put the bag down on the table, his fingers stuttering over the bow when he tried to untie the ribbon. No one rushed him or tried to take over, they all simply stayed in the background, giving him the time and space he needed to get into the bag.

The inside was filled with shredded paper in the same blue, pink and gold as the outside. Louis stuck his hand inside and felt around for the contents. The first thing he pulled out was a pair of Mickey Mouse ears attached to a headband. He turned to Harry with confusion, a small chuckle pushing out of his nostrils.

“Erm, thanks, I guess?” Louis reached up and put them straight onto his head.

“Keep going.” Harry urged him on, his excitement obvious no matter how hard he tried to disguise it. He leaned over onto the table, his arms turned out. Louis dragged his eyes up the exposed underside of his wrists, thirsting over the way his veins popped from his strong forearms before they disappeared inside his jumper. It didn’t matter what this man was doing, Louis was weak. He plunged his hand back inside the bag, feeling around until he found the next solid item.

“More ears? Someone is going to have to help me out here,” Louis laughed, twirling the ears around between his fingers.

“Those ones are mine,“ Harry reached out and took the ears from Louis, somehow slotting them over his head without his bandanna even moving. “Get back in that bag, there should be an envelope in their too.”

By now, Louis was curious. He thrust both hands into the bag, shredded paper fluttering from the inside and settling around his feet. His fingertips eventually grazed over the solid edge of a card, and he pulled from the bottom of the bag. The crisp white envelope was addressed to Louis William Tomlinson, the writing a flowing, swirling script.

“Been taking calligraphy lessons Harold?” Louis teased, waving the card in the air.

“Erm, maybe one or two online ones. I wanted it to be perfect,” he replied, his cheeks flushing pink. He cleared his throat, pushing it down. “Just open the bloody thing will you. I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

Louis turned the envelope over; it was held closed with a purple wax seal.

“Am I going to Hogwarts?! Oh, it's my dream come true!” Louis sassed, sliding his finger under the flap. Harry rolled his eyes good-naturedly, a gentle laugh kissing the air around him.

It took a couple of tries for Louis to pull the card from inside the envelope, always a sign of good quality stationary when it wouldn’t bloody come out. It was beautiful. Muted gold with swirling fleur de lis around the outside and bursts of subtle glitter that looked like fairy dust. In the bottom corner a Victorian style illustration showed a Fairy Godmother, holding her wand aloft as if to write the words with magic. Louis read through it once, twice; his brain couldn’t process what he was reading.

“Harry, I don’t... I don’t understand?” His heart rate shot up again, another notch higher. His mouth was bone dry, the taste of coffee on his breath making him feel sick. “What does it mean?”

“Read it aloud baby, let's see if we can work it out together.”

“I’ve been keeping a secret, now I’m excited to share
In just a few short weeks, we will be there.
A train we will take to get there we three,
It’s a special gift from Clifford and me.
The happiest place on earth, or so I’ve been told,
You’re never too young and never too old.
So pack your faith and pack your trust,
I’ll provide the pixie dust.
Get ready for Christmas, the lights and the sounds,
Get ready for dancing and laughing abound.
And if you’re ready, grab a hold of my hand,
Let me whisk you away to Disneyland.”

“Oh my God,” Jay called from the back of the huddle, emotion spilling into her words. “Harry... just wow.”

Louis couldn’t speak. He knew he was crying in front of everyone, and he didn’t care. Out of all the things Harry had done for him, this was by far the most romantic. Disneyland had been a lifelong dream for Louis. As a little boy he had begged and pleaded with Jay to take them all, not understanding the struggle that she went through every month just to feed and clothe them all. He had cried and wailed, desperate to be in the place he just knew would feel like home for him. He wanted to feel everything in a world where there was no judgement for boys like him, boys who were different. As he grew older, he had been mortified by how much he had plagued his poor mum. With better understanding, he realised just how hard it must have been for her to watch her child cry, desperate to feel validated in a place where he could feel accepted. He had sworn that one day, he would go to Disneyland but only when he was happy and accepted in life for who he was. When he had made the bucket list, it had pained him to think that his visit would never be what he wanted it to be; that it would be shrouded in sadness and that ‘one last time’ mentality that so often came to those preparing for death. But with Harry, he felt like just maybe it could be what he’d dreamed. Disneyland could be a place of romance, of magic and of self-acceptance. But before any of that, they needed to talk about things properly. They needed to be on the same page about what all this meant to them both.

Harry was starting to get nervous. Louis hadn’t said a word, hadn’t even looked up from the poem. The tears that dripped from his nose hadn’t gone unnoticed and an uncomfortable atmosphere started to circulate amongst the group. How could silence be so deafening?

“Its 1st September today, Lou. Four months since your first gift.” Harry started to speak, not sure where he was going with it but needing to break the tension. “The day I left that stone on your doorstep, I had no idea just how much you would come to mean to me. All I knew then was that you were special, that you had something the world needed, and I figured maybe you needed reminding of that. You have turned my world upside down in the last four months. I’ve always been a positive person, always looked for the bright side of life and the good side of people. But now I know, I didn’t know what it meant to be happy. I was made for loving you, Louis. And no matter how long we have together, I will always love you for the rest of my life.”

“I love you too,” Louis whispered back, his voice cracking and barely audible. “This is just the perfect gift, thank you.” He lifted his head, nodding gently as he spoke. “Rei, do we have time to sit in one of the tepees and talk?”

“Sure, you guys go and take your time. There’s a couple of hours yet before they get collected.”

“Thank you. Mum, Anne? Do you want to go home or would you prefer to wait?”

“Why don’t me and your mum take Clifford home? Let you boys have some time.” Anne looked to Jay. Her face was a mess of tears, her eyes ringed red. She nodded her head, not trusting herself to speak. “Go ahead, I’m sure Liam or Niall will help us get an Uber.” Anne smiled at Louis and then turned to Harry, her face offering the support her son needed.

Harry and Louis headed back out to the garden, Louis still clutching onto his invitation and rereading the words as he walked. The heat of the day was dulling, autumn nights setting in quickly. It was still warm and balmy, but a welcome cool breeze rustled through the trees and provided the soundtrack for the evening. Birds called to each other from high in the trees, unseen but making their presence felt. They were reclaiming the nature that had been loud with children’s laughter for the whole day. Harry shuffled into the tepee furthest away; from inside the building no one would be able to see them, so their privacy was guaranteed. He held out a hand to Louis, helping him inside despite their being no need to do so.

“C’mon Louis, what is it? Aren’t you happy we’re going away?”

“No Harry, I’m over the moon, I really am. I’m so, so happy.” Louis crawled towards Harry and straddled his waist. He brought both hands to his cheeks, the rough stubble pleasantly burning his palms. “I just kind of sad too.”

“What about? Everything has been so perfect these last few weeks, for me at least. I hate to think of you being sad and me not knowing.”

“The bucket list. You’ve been so amazing with it. You’ve organised everything and you’re literally making my dreams come true left, right and centre. I have been beyond happy Harry, never doubt that. But now that there isn’t much left, I think we need to talk about what happens when it's over.”

Immediately Harry’s face fell, breaths panting out of him with no regularity. “No. I can’t Louis. If I think about it- well, I don’t know how I’ll survive one more day. I can’t think about my world without you in it.” He was starting to sweat, his hands coming up to pull at the collar of his jumper.

“And that’s exactly why we have to talk about it. We have to be ready. There’s counselling we can go to together; it’ll help us both come to terms with it all. As much as we can anyway. I’m going to die Harry, and we need to make the arrangements.”

“But we can have all this happiness for the rest of our lives Louis! Can’t you see that?! Look at how happy we make each other and tell me that a lifetime of this wouldn’t be bliss!”

“It was never meant to be a lifetime of bliss Harry. It was meant to be a whirlwind. Something breath taking and exciting. It was always going to be the last hurrah. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this, I shouldn’t have let you fall in love with me. I am such a selfish fucking fool.” Louis broke down, his body flopping against Harry’s as he let the dam break, all the pain and uncertainty spilling over and pouring out of his mouth.

“You couldn’t have stopped me. I loved you before I met you and I will love you long after I’m gone. Something like this, it doesn’t just go away Louis. But we can be happy; I’ve told you before, I will dedicate every second of my life to making you so, so happy if you’ll just stay with me.”

“I don’t want you to have to be responsible for me H! That’s not the life I want for you. I want YOU to be happy. I want you to meet someone incredible, have lots of sex and babies, get married, travel the world, have adventures. I want you to go to bed every night satisfied and content with your lot. I don’t want you to suffer a minute of doubt or pain. And you’ll never have that with me around. I’ll drag you down into my shit, be reliant on you to keep my world bright. That’s not what I want for you, and I’ll be damned if you spend the rest of your life being my carer.”

“You believe in fate right Lou? You told me that once. So, what if this is fate? What if you’re the one person I’m meant to have all that stuff with? What if, after you there isn’t anything else for me?”

“Don't try and guilt me, Harry.” Louis’ voice took on a warning tone, their discussion quickly spiralling into argument territory. “I have never promised you more than six months together, you accepted that!”

“Fucks sake, I am not trying to guilt you! I am trying to open your eyes; make you consider that there could actually be more out there for you than six months of fun and a goddamn suicide clinic! You’re so pig-headed that you refuse to see that just maybe, I love you for exactly who you are. All of it, not just the fun and filthy mornings when we wake up hot for each other. Not just the day trips and the nights out. Me being here for you doesn’t make me a carer, it makes me a fucking partner in your life! Someone who loves every inch of you and who enjoys making you happy. I’m not obligated Louis, I’m here willingly. Do you think I’d have stuck around after that first discussion if I wasn’t deadly serious about you?! Stop pitying me for loving you!”

They fell silent, staring at each other across the gap of their angry words. Louis was still in Harry’s lap, the muscle in his legs tense with anger and frustration. Their chests heaved outwards, meeting in the middle with every exhale. Harry’s words hung in the air, fighting their way down into Louis’ brain, understanding unfurling like a summer vine. The air around them sparked with an unseen charge; all the frustration, anger and desperation mingled together and unleashed a heat that ripped through both of them.

In an instant, they were on each other. Lips mashed together with a ferocity that only came after an argument, teeth clashed, and tongues battled for dominance. Harry’s hand found Louis’ arse and dug deep, the smaller man crying out with something between pain and pleasure at the sudden change in tempo. The noise unleashed something in Harry, and he growled low in his throat, crushing Louis even tighter to him and rutting up, desperate for friction. Louis bit down on Harry’s lip, shuddering when he whimpered with lust.

Harry curled his arm around Louis’ waist, lifting him slightly and flipping him onto his back. The canvas of the tepee rippled with the sudden movement, its foundations shaking when the two bodies hit the ground. Neither of them noticed, too lost in each other. Louis curled his legs around Harry’s lower back and used his feet to anchor their groins together. Their hard dicks pushed together, both of them moaning when they felt the friction, and they began to roll their hips together in a perfect rhythm. Louis clawed at Harry’s jumper, desperately trying to pull it over his head by feel alone; he needed his skin pressed against him. With one hand, Harry reached over his shoulder and grabbed his jumper in a large bunch, smoothly pulling it over his head and barely breaking their kiss. They rolled again, Louis sitting astride Harry now as he pulled his own t-shirt slowly over his head.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” Harry groaned, his thumbs pressing hard into Louis’ hipbones. He laid back, taking in every detail of a body he’d caressed a dozen times before. He would never get sick of breathing it all in.

Louis lowered his mouth to Harry’s throat, sucking wet kisses from the hollow and up over his Adam’s apple. He let his teeth nip slightly, watching with satisfaction as small bruises bloomed behind him. When he reached the top, he let the broad flat of his tongue lick up the underside of Harry’s chin and over to his lips before they crushed their mouths together again. He carded his hands into Harry’s hair, pulling the bandana away and letting his curls roll down. He gathered a bunch with his palm and pulled hard, gasping into the open mouth below his when Harry’s body rolled up in response.

No matter how close they got, it didn’t feel enough for Louis. He wanted to lose himself totally, to be completely consumed. His fingers fumbled over the button on his shorts, frantic hands pulling at the fabric to loosen the zip as quickly as possible. His dick ached, pushing forward through his open trousers. His pants were already damp with precum; he palmed over himself and cried out in pleasure. He reached down for Harry’s button, pulling it off in his haste to get at what waited inside.

“Louis, are you sure about this?” Harry pulled away slightly, but he couldn’t help but lean over to kiss Louis between words. His body was no longer his own, desire had fully taken over. “Don’t do anything you don’t want.”

“I want you. I want this. Now.”

The confirmation was like a red rag to a bull. Harry pulled Louis’ shorts and pants down in one fluid motion, immediately wrapping his hand around him and starting to slowly stroke up and down. Louis shuddered and buckled forward; whining in his throat, he sunk into Harry and let himself feel every single sensation. He didn’t think a hand job would ever reduce him to mush, before now it had always been a stepping stone to the real thing but now, now it felt like the universe was imploding behind his eyes. He couldn’t form a coherent thought let alone string a sentence together. He pushed at Harry’s hand, wanting to prolong the moment as long as possible and knowing that with a few more languid strokes he would be reduced to a quivering mess.

“Let me- Harry... I want to taste you. Can I- oh fuck... can I suck your dick? Please let me suck your dick.”

Louis was pulling at Harry’s pants like a feral animal, his desperation shining out of his blown pupils. He eventually got some movement and Harry’s cock sprang free from his tight boxer briefs. Louis tugged them to his knees, working his way back up his inner thighs with the tip of his tongue. He could taste Harry’s tea tree body wash and a tang of salty sweat; it was the greatest thing he had ever tasted, and he wanted more. He reached Harry’s balls; the heat was evident as he trailed his fingertips over the curve of each testicle, his tongue drawing swirls in the downy hair on his inner thighs. Listening to the whines and the gasps was a high like no other; Louis felt powerful and sexy, something he hadn’t been able to feel for so long. It spurred him on, more blood rushing to his cock and making it harder than he thought possible. Slowly, he sucked Harry’s balls into his mouth, one at a time, swirling his tongue around them while his hands pressed down on the laurel tattoos he knew so well.

“Fuck, Louis! You are so fucking sinful,” Harry moaned, his hand threading into Louis’ hair.

Louis trailed his tongue up the seam of Harry’s balls, following all the way up his shaft. He pulled back, locking his eyes onto Harry’s and thriving on the need that was reflected back. Still holding the eye contact, he lowered his mouth around Harry and hummed low in his throat to make his lips vibrate around the sensitive head.

“Argh! Shit, that feels so fucking good,” Harry was falling apart, one moan at a time. Louis’ silken mouth worked him over, warm and wet, pulling him deeper with every bob of his head. He swallowed him deep into his throat, the muscles constricting as he gagged at the intrusion.

Louis couldn’t take any more; his mouth was full of Harry’s thick cock, and it throbbed against his tongue. Each pulse filled his throat, cutting off his breath for a split second and sending his blood pressure sky rocketing. Harry tasted like heaven, a slight hint of soap mixed with the musk of sex and the bitter salt of precum. He reached between his legs, his own erection hanging heavy. His tip brushed against the rough ground sheet of the tepee, and he jerked forward, Harry disappearing even deeper into his throat. Louis brushed his thumb over his tip, dipping into his slit and smearing his slick over the tight skin. He started to whimper, his head bobbing faster and faster over Harry. His mouth synchronised with the fast tugs of his fist.

“I can’t hold off... Lou, I can’t- God you feel so fucking good. I’m going to cum baby,” Harry was panting and clawing at his chest, red rake marks from his nails crisscrossing his skin.

Louis upped his game, his hand tightening around the base of Harry’s cock and gently twisting upwards. At the same time he slammed his mouth down hard and fast, opening his throat to take him as deep as possible and swallowing to make his throat contract tight. His chin was streaked with the saliva, his eyes watering. The feeling of being so full was one he had forgotten; he was reborn, an insatiable hunger pulling at his insides. Heat started to coil low in his gut, flames licking at his stomach and his muscles tensing. Harry started to thrust gently, high keens forcing out from between tightly pressed lips. Louis let his eyes trail up his body; he watched his abs tighten and relax with quickening speed and his hands clawing over his body, up his throat and into his hair. His keens turned into cries, his breath catching on each inhale.

“Ah...ah....oh shit, fuck...don’t stop, please don’t fucking stop...ah... oh my God.” In an instant his whole body stiffened, his hips juddering as he exploded hot and hard. Louis’ eyes rolled back into his head as he furiously swallowed, determined not to spill a drop of Harry’s cum. He felt a flash of panic as he struggled to take the load, but it quickly gave way to a euphoria like he’d never felt. He moaned, the vibration of his throat milking every last crest out Harry. He squeezed his cock, swirling his palm over the tip as he came; every sense was heightened, he could smell Harry’s hot skin and the sweetness of his cum, his skin was alive with sparks of electricity. He didn’t think the peak would ever end, his own hips bucking into his fist as he came over and over again.

Harry slipped out of Louis’ mouth, still slightly hard and sheening. Louis grabbed hold of him and took care to lick every drop of cum from his skin. Harry shuddered, a contented sigh replacing the moans from a few seconds earlier. He pulled Louis up his body, their still sensitive cocks rubbing together and sending shockwaves through them. Their chests sweaty and stuck together, they kissed with a renewed energy, not a single word passing between them.

They stayed this way, clinging to each other and coming down from the high. Eventually, Louis settled on to Harry’s chest. He was waiting for the feeling of fear, of dread. The panic never came, the intensity of their orgasms eventually settling into a sort of exhausted complacence.

“What was that Lou?” Harry asked, Louis’ words barely audible against his chest.

“I said I’ll think about what you said. No promises, no expectations.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Harry pulled Louis close, dropping a kiss into the swirl of his crown. Coconut shampoo flooded his nose, a slight hint of lavender drifting up from his pulse points. Harry couldn’t ask for anything more right now. In a state of post-coital bliss, he let his mind wander to how their future could look. And he vowed there and then to never hurt the angel whose breath was currently warming his skin. He had found his place. He was home.

Notes:

We're getting to the end now, Christmas is fast approaching the boys! We'll be getting Louis' final decision and finding out whether their is a future for them both. Am I ready? Not even slightly haha

Chapter 18: When The Dust Settles

Summary:

Official boyfriends, eek what a rush! After such a chaotic day at Alba's birthday, what will happen when the dust settles?

Notes:

Firstly I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK! Life has been beyond insane and I just didn't have the energy to put into this. The last thing I want to do after we've all come this far is half arse it, so I do apologise for how long it took and hopefully it won't be anywhere near as long to wait for the next bit.

This chapter is just a bridge to the last part of the story. It's all things that I needed to put in to get us all ready for the beginning of the end, but I had no idea where to put it with the other chapters. So I gave them all their own.

I'm actually not too sure about it, I've got the writer's doubt, so I really hope it's not too disappointing for you all.

As always, you can follow me on Twitter at @loudloudlove. I'd love to hear from you guys. Thank you so much to everyone who comments, reads, interacts, bookmarks and gives me the kudos. You're all babes.

That night, travelling home in a taxi, his stomach filled with cake and happy memories; Louis let his body relax against the juddering seat of the black cab. He had his fingers entwined with Harry’s; his broad thumb sweeping over the knuckle of Louis’ in a repetitive, soothing motion. Allowing contentment to fill him right to his toes, Louis’ mind drifted back over the day. It had a been a lot by anyone’s standards. The intense meeting with Anne, the emotion of his own mum visiting, the stress of the party, the tension of the argument with Harry, the guilt that stemmed from his confession and the mixed emotion from the surprise. Add to that the heat of their moment together in the tepee, the post-orgasm bliss and the fun with their friends and Louis could safely say that he had experienced the full spectrum of human emotion in just a few short hours.

The cab pulled up outside the flat and Louis slowly unfurled like a cat, no sense of urgency spurring him on. The peace in his soul was reminiscent of childhood, of falling asleep on the sofa and waking briefly over your mum’s shoulder as she carried you to bed and tucked you under a cloud of duvet. He slid along the seat behind Harry and accepted the outstretched hand to step onto the road. Harry pulled him tight against his chest and they kissed lazily as the cab pulled away behind them. The days light was fading, the moon visible over the roofs as it rose to take its place in the velvety sky. Autumn was in the air, the dizzying smell of crisp leaves and pumpkin spice lattes just teasing at the edges of their conscience. Harry’s body collapsed onto Louis as their kiss deepened. It wasn’t the kind of kiss that would spark fires; it was tender and hopeful, a comfort. It was log fires and knitted blankets, it was waking before the alarm and realising you had more time to sleep, it was wet washing on a hot radiator. It was beginning again when all hope felt lost.

The two men walked up to the door in comfortable silence; from inside they could the low thrum of music and hysterical laughter. They could hear happiness. The sight that awaited them brought instant smiles to their faces. Anne and Jay sat on the sofa, fairy lights twinkling behind them and candles burning in the fireplace. They had the handmade blankets Louis’ siblings had made over their knees and each of them cradled a large glass of red wine. Jay was bent double, her laughter turned silent in its intensity, one hand on Anne’s knee. Across the sofa, Anne was laid back, her hands clutching her stomach as she cackled and wheezed. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” was pulsing from the speakers and Clifford was lazing on the rug. It was so domesticated, so beautiful to see these two women thrown together by their sons’ complicated love lives laughing until they cried and already firm friends. Strangely, it brought a lump to Louis’ throat, and he reached for Harry where he leaned against the doorframe.

“Boys! Get in here!” Anne was the first to spot them and she beckoned them into the party of two.

“Oh, thank God! We wanted to order Chinese, but we thought we better wait for you two.” Jay raised the bottle of wine towards them in offering, and Harry disappeared off to the kitchen to grab some more glasses. “Are you okay Boo?”

“Never been better Mum,” Louis smiled as he spoke, his heart almost bursting with unbridled happiness. And for once, he wasn’t saying it out of duty or guilt. He wasn’t trying to hide how he felt or convince himself he was happy when he wasn’t. He was being honest, and that felt fantastic.

When Harry returned, the four of them quickly settled into conversation. The laughter never stopped, the two women who had brought them into the world bouncing off each other like the best of double acts. There was no awkwardness or uncomfortable pauses; they all relaxed into each other and just let themselves be. They talked about love and about life, about music and film. They took it in turns to tell stories about the things that were really important; their family, their dreams and their hopes for the future. Each conversation was seeped in intimacy and a certain type of rawness that made the night speed by but also crawl slowly alongside them. They ate their Chinese food, noodles slipping from the gaps in their lips when they laughed, grains of rice tumbling to the floor. When it became apparent that Harry and Anne would be staying the night, the boys slipped into their pyjamas, curling round each other in one armchair. Subconsciously, they made sure there was always some form of contact; chaste kisses pressed to the corners of each other's mouths, the tip of a finger gliding up the nape of a neck, one hand trailing up the back of a t-shirt. And so, their first night as a family passed, the bonds they built destined to stand the test of time. And as Louis climbed into bed that night, Harry already under the covers and drifting into sleep with red wine stains around his cherry lips, he thought that maybe Harry was right and maybe life didn’t have to be all that bad.

 

♥

 

Harry woke the next morning feeling well-rested and relaxed. He stretched out his arm, his fingers glancing over the warm skin laid next to him. He let one eye open a crack, the blurred world slowly coming into focus. Louis sat up next to him in bed, his laptop open on a pillow across his lap. He looked ethereal; the sunlight cast shadows over his slightly sleep-puffed face and thick-rimmed black glasses perched on the end of his perfect nose. His bottom lip undulated in between his teeth and his eyes furrowed in concentration. Harry smiled at the tufts of hair that popped up all over his head, one side completely flat where he had hugged his pillow to his face all night. He scooted closer, his eyes never leaving his screen, and made a soft mewling noise when the heat of Harry’s palm closed around his thigh.

“Morning gorgeous,” Harry croaked, his throat dry and slightly sore from the previous day. “What are you up to?” He brought a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes roughly and letting out a loud yawn.

“Nothing important,” Louis said, closing the lid and putting the laptop down next to the bed. He slithered back down the mattress, his head finding the sweet spot where it fitted perfectly on Harry’s chest.

They both sank into the embrace, their limbs naturally winding around each other until they were comfortable. It was a pleasant surprise how much this little morning ritual had started to soothe Louis; where once he shied away from a simple hug, now he found that he was drawing more and more comfort from physical touch. Affection had always been second nature to him, he was always tactile, a hugger, a cheek kisser, an arse grabber. He had lost that along the way, his skin feeling like it would shrivel and fall clean from his bones if someone touched him; now, he seeked it out. Hugs hello and goodbye, knees pressed together under tables, spooning for hours on end. This must be what healing felt like.

“Do you need any help in the shower this morning?” Harry closed his teeth gently around Louis’ earlobe, his words pouring inside of him like silk. One hand tip-toed softly down over his abs, reaching for the slack waistband of his lounge pants.

Louis slapped one hand over Harry’s, halting him in his tracks. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Sitting up he looked into his boyfriend’s beautiful, sleepy eyes and found flickers of desire. “Your mum is sharing that wall with us, and my mum is down the hall in my front room. I don’t think either of them need to hear us “shower”. Not to mention that my mum had seven kids, knocking on bathroom doors does not come naturally to her.”

“Urgh, no fair,” Harry pouted playfully. He peppered kisses on the spot behind Louis’ ear, his stomach fizzing every time he heard the soft giggles they created. “Cockblocked by my mum and mother-in-law, what a time to be alive!”

He groaned and stretched as he forced himself out of the warm bed. He felt Louis’ eyes travelling up and down the length of his naked body; he had never been one for sleeping in clothes. Pyjamas were for lounging around in but never to sleep in. He purposefully flexed the defined muscles in his back, smirking when Louis let out a low, frustrated groan. Looking back over his shoulder, Harry winked as he shimmied back into the clothes he had discarded on the floor the night before. He took great pleasure in being a tease.

 

♥

Harry walked into Canyon Moon, a spring in his step and his mouth twisted into a smile. Nothing could bring him down today; yesterday had been lot but it had ended so perfectly. Being official with Louis was the dream, the chance to call him “my boyfriend, something he hadn’t been sure would ever be a reality. He imagined taking him back to Holmes Chapel; introducing him with nothing but pride to his nearest and dearest, holding his hand on long walks through fallen leaves and watching his breath cloud around his mouth when he laughed. He imagined their first Christmas; shopping in Oxford Street for all of Louis’ siblings, clutching paper cups of hot chocolate, lacing gloved fingers together, watching the Christmas lights flicker on as the daylight faded. And he imagined their future; wild and passionate love slowly settling into the magic of domesticity, a romantic proposal with tears in both of their eyes, bursting from the church in a flood of confetti and a shared last name, their children hanging from their limbs and kissing their noses goodnight. He could see it all in 4K, every single bit of it. And he needed it; it was no longer about wanting. He needed to grow up with Louis, he needed to grow old with him.

Pushing the old heavy door open, Harry strutted into his café singing ‘Flowers In The Window’ under his breath.

“Harry! Where have you been love?” Margie, one of Harry’s favourite regulars was on him in a flash.

“Falling in love Margie. Falling hopelessly, ridiculously in love.” Harry scooped the old woman up, hugging her to his chest.

“Heavens! Put me down young man,” she exclaimed, laughing warmly and putting one hand on his cheek. “I have to say, it definitely suits you.” She patted his face twice, eyes welling up with joy.

“Thank you. I think you might be right.” Harry leaned forward to kiss Margie on her doughy cheek and breathed in the scent of talcum powder and mints. “I’ll make sure you get an invite to the wedding.”

“That serious ey? Good lad,” Margie winked at Harry, her lips twisted into a fond smile. “He better be good enough for you son.”

“He’s everything. Just... just everything.” There was nothing else he could say, there weren’t enough words in the world to describe just how special Louis was.

 

♥

 

When Harry eventually made it back to the flat, everyone was gathered around the kitchen table. He’d been the butt of Niall’s jokes as he’d glided behind the counter and made breakfast for the four of them. His goofy smile and dreamy demeanour seemed to be a great source of amusement for his Irish friend; and Niall would never admit it, but it was great to see Harry so happy after all these months of turmoil. His only worry was that all this gushy, romantic stuff about the future could be slightly premature. He didn’t want to imagine the mess that would be left behind if Louis decided to go ahead with his plans after all this, it would be soul crushing for Harry, and Niall didn’t know if they would ever get him back from that.

Louis leapt up from the table to greet Harry with a kiss, one arm snaked around his waist. He spun them as he kissed, pulling away to grab plates from the cupboard. They smiled at each other, completely lost in the euphoria of the moment. None of it felt real, it was the kind of thing that happened to other people. A real-life fairytale with the tragic backstory to match.

“Sit down baby, I’ll sort this.” Louis pecked Harry once more, gently pushing him backwards towards the table. Baby. A pet name. Harry’s heart soared.

Anne and Jay seemed similarly gooey, their smiles radiating across to him and their eyes shining with the promise of tears. What was in the air today? Everyone seemed to be feeling the emotion that was threatening to overwhelm Harry.

“You guys okay?” Harry asked, reaching over to pass them their coffees from the cardboard tray.

“Perfect. Absolutely perfect.” Anne closed her hand around his and stroked his knuckles with her thumb. “It’s just so intoxicating to watch you two. Being in the presence of true love is powerful.”

“Mum, c’mon!” His stomach swooped, the butterflies going double time at the words ‘true love’. Was it really so obvious to everyone around them? Harry felt like he’d slipped into The Twilight Zone, all the worries of the previous day buried under the promise of something better.

Louis joined them at the table, passing out the artistically mismatched crockery in a variety of gaudy patterns. It was so him chaotic and loud but delicately beautiful in a way that only a certain type of person could see; a person like Louis, so chaotic and yet soothing to the soul. They all fell quiet as they rustled through the paper bags and shared out the goodies; Clifford waited patiently for his pupcake and did a happy dance when he realised, he had his own mini cooked breakfast in there too. When they all settled back into their seats, Louis looked around nervously and cleared his throat.

“I’ve erm... I’ve got something I want to say. I was going to tell each of your privately but honestly, I think its best if I just say it now in front of all of you and then I only have to do it once.”

Harry’s blood ran cold in his veins, this was it, the moment it would all come crashing down around them. He had been too happy, too hopeful and this was his punishment. Bad luck always followed good in his life, that was just the way it had always been so why would this be any different.

“Lou? What is it?” Harry looked across at Jay as she vocalised what they were all thinking. She looked to be in a similar state to Harry, her face white and waxy and a line of sweat breaking out on her top lip. Her fingers were curling open and closed around her coffee spoon, the tremble in her hand obvious even from a distance. Anne was quietly pensive, her lips pursed tightly and her eyes flicking between the three other people around the table. Her hand found Harry’s knee, the sharp pinch of her fingers betraying her calm expression. She was like a swan, graceful and elegant to watch but kicking like fuck under the surface.

“You don’t all need to look so scared!” Louis flashed a nervous smile and looked at each of them in turn. “I woke up early this morning and I had some time in the peace and quiet while you all slept to just get my head in gear. Yesterday was amazing; it was a rollercoaster without a doubt but... well it was wonderful. I have a boyfriend, something I never thought I’d have again. And we actually get a bit frisky sometimes! Ooops, sorry mum, sorry Anne,” Louis covered his mouth with one hand, the tips of his ears burning red. “And I have friends; actual, real friends that I enjoy spending time with who know all about me. I’ve reconnected with people that I thought were gone forever and I can make plans to do things without having a panic attack about them. I’ve been out and about more these last few months, have seen more and felt more than I have in the last two years. And I thought about how all of that only happened because Harry took a chance on the lonely weirdo over the road.”

Louis paused and drank deeply from his coffee. The suspense was killing Harry; not knowing where this conversation was headed put him on a back foot and his body was confused. He wasn’t sure whether he should be nervous and apprehensive or whether he could relax into the moment and just listen to all the wonderful things Louis had to say.

Louis took another deep breath, putting his coffee down and fidgeting with the cup, straightening and twisting it, his eyes firmly cast on the table.

“I don’t want you all to freak out straight away, I need you to listen to everything I have to say. Please?” Louis cast a look around them all, their nodding heads juxtaposing the mixture of excitement and trepidation on their faces. “I’m not convinced but here goes.... I called Dignitas this morning and I, er- I cancelled my trip.”

Harry’s nerves slammed back down to the pit of his stomach, his brain fighting hard to register what he had just heard. The room was spinning, colours and sounds and smells blurring past him while he struggled to get out of the madness. Louis wasn’t going? Had he actually chosen life? Jay let out a high-pitched, whimpering moan, the sound muffled as she tried to contain it and let Louis speak. Harry’s whole body was shaking, violent jerks that pressed him against the table edge. He should be feeling something by now, why wasn’t he feeling? His lungs burned without a proper breath, his chest in a vice and unable to fully expand.

“Harry? Baby, breathe!” His eyes locked onto his mum, crouched beside his chair. Her hands dug into his legs, an attempt to ground him and bring him back to the room. Behind her Louis looked horrified; his eyes wet and mournful, his hands clasped over his wide-open mouth. Jay had her arm around his shoulders, pulling him tight to her side but she looked just as worried. “Harry? Come on, lean back, open your airways. You’re having a panic attack.” He allowed himself to be pushed into the hardbacked chair, his eyes falling closed as he tried to concentrate on getting oxygen in. Maybe then his head would stop spinning.

Inside of himself, Harry was screaming out for Louis. He wanted to pull him close, stroke his hair, tell him that everything would be okay. He wanted to thank him for choosing their future, for choosing him and for giving them a chance. He wanted to soothe him, to promise him the world. But his physical body wouldn’t allow it; his limbs were beginning to ache, the rigidity of tense muscles causing spasms that ripped through him and made him want to scream. His head was full of static, no one thought able to hang on for more than a few seconds, no coherent words making it past his lips. It had been a long time since Harry had suffered a panic attack like this; recently they had been much more under control and usually beaten with a quick nip to the inside of his wrist. It didn’t make sense for them to come back so viciously in such a happy moment. He didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin, like nothing would placate him. He didn’t want to sit or stand, be awake or asleep, be here or there. He wanted everything and nothing.

From out of nowhere, Harry felt someone stroking his hair. A warm body behind him supported his head, their body pressed tight against the back of his chair. The sensation was calming, his entire body relaxing into the familiarity of Louis’ presence. Slowly the room started to come back into focus, the edges unblurring and the darkness shrinking. Harry took in the worried faces of his mum and Jay, his eyes rolling back into his head every time Louis’ nails scraped over his scalp.

“I’m okay guys. Mum? Don’t cry, I’m okay.” He gathered his mother into his chest, one hand resting on the back of her head, her hands gathered in his t-shirt.

“You scared me petal, I haven’t seen you like that for years.” Anne stroked Harry’s face; her eyes still watery as she dashed a lone tear from her cheek.

“You- you’ve had panic attacks before?” Louis’ voice was quiet from behind Harry; he almost sounded betrayed, as though he couldn’t believe there was a side of Harry he didn’t know. Turning his head as far as his neck would allow, Harry turned to his boyfriend, still cradling his mother.

“Yes, back when I was a teenager. I was bullied pretty intensely for a time. Turns out being proud of being queer when you're at secondary school doesn't really make you any friends. I didn’t want to say anything in case you thought I was trying to... I don’t know compete with you or diminish your struggle in any way? I wasn’t intentionally hiding it,” Harry pleaded with his eyes, hoping Louis wasn’t mad at him for not sharing.

“Don’t look so scared H, I’m just surprised. You always seem so cool.” Louis leaned over the back of the chair and wrapped his arms around Harry’s shoulders, his face automatically settling in the crease between his neck and his shoulder. He breathed in that smell, Harry’s smell, and noticed a salty, sharp tang. It was the smell of anxiety, of panic. The smell of a restless night and the struggle to make it to morning. Louis knew that smell only too well. “Are you ready to talk baby? “

Harry nodded, taking Louis’ hand in his own, and cleared his throat. Now that the initial shock had died down, he was excited to hear what Louis had to say. He waited for everyone to settle back in their seats, Jay handing him a glass of water and squeezing his shoulder as she passed, and then looked to his boyfriend, urging him on with his eyes.

“Yeah so, as I said, I’ve cancelled my trip. I’ve been stubborn these last few weeks; I have spent so long trying to convince myself that everything will be okay when I’m dead. It was me being a martyr, thinking I would do you all a favour and just take myself out of the equation so you could have your freedom back. But I think part of it was fear; somehow assisted suicide was my security blanket. I could tell myself that nothing mattered because it would all be over soon. And initially, there wasn’t much of anything to be over. But then I got to know Harry and we started this amazing adventure and suddenly there was too much to be over. I was having all these feelings... I didn’t think I could still have those feelings.” Louis reached for Harry again, the silence in the room deafening everyone as they waited with bated breath. “But with those feelings came the fear; I didn’t want to be the millstone around Harry’s neck, the pity project, the fuck up. I didn’t want to stifle him and lock him into a life of looking out for me and of caring for me. I didn’t want him to live a life where he worried every time I didn’t answer the phone or held back in an argument, so I didn’t get too upset. I didn’t want him to be afraid of losing me for the rest of his days.”

Harry was finding it so hard not to jump in and tell Louis how ludicrous those ideas were. He wanted to make sure this beautiful man in front of him never doubted the amount of happiness he could bring into a room just by being himself. He wanted to kiss away the demons and whisper new truths into his ears until they became his reality. But he held back, sitting quietly and watching Louis grow in front of him. He watched him take charge of his own destiny, completely independently. And for a man who had once been so reliant on others, it was beautiful to see.

“And I suppose, it became a safety net as time went on. It was a freedom I’d never known, all the possibilities opened up by imminent death. I’m sorry mum, I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” Louis looked to Jay apologetically and raised his arm to wipe her tears. “I just need to get the truth out there now. I didn’t have to fear dying and that freed me. I didn’t have to worry about what would happen to me if I was rejected, or what would happen if I drowned in the sea at Brighton or fell from the helter skelter. I didn’t have to worry about getting drunk with the guys and choking on my own vomit. Or staying out in a storm with Harry and getting hypothermia. I didn’t have to worry about impressing anyone or losing anything. Because what was the worst that could happen? I was dying anyway. Until I realised that having no fear made me want it. I wanted to feel things and suddenly, I did. The fear crept back in that I would hurt Harry or that I would lose him before I was ready. The fear that I would break my mother’s heart or that my siblings would be ashamed of me. I was throwing myself into life and I was so confused so I clung onto the idea of death even harder. Because if I let go of that, then maybe I’d be too scared to feel.”

Harry was astounded, the words leaving Louis’ mouth hitting him over and over like a relentless sledgehammer. His boyfriend wanted to die just so he could always love him? Was he understanding that right? He wanted to die so that he could be the best version of himself? So, he could live and love freely without fear gnawing away at his insides? He was willing to sacrifice years of his life just they could be happy and adventure together for a few months?

It should have been warped in Harry’s mind, but in its own strange way, it made perfect sense. Without the back-up plan of death, Louis probably would never have been able to open himself up the way he had. He would never have let the feelings in, choosing to cast them away while he rotted alone in the flat and waited for the courage to take it into his own hands. A day that may never have come; in turn sentencing him to a life of solitude and pain.

“Things are different now, or at least I want them to be. I want to be able to feel without that there to catch me. And I’m willing to try. I don’t want to promise I’ll never make these kinds of plans again; I can’t do that and I’m so sorry.” Louis felt his resolve crumbling when Harry’s face folded in on itself at his words. “What I want now is so different baby; I want to be with you, and I want to look forward to our future together. But I am terrified, more terrified than I’ve ever been of anyone or anything. Because you’re special, and I can’t bear the idea that I could be the one who fucks you up. You deserve better than me, better than this whole mess. What if I break you? What if I can’t be the man you deserve?”

“Louis stop! You could never, and I mean never, be a disappointment to me. You could never fuck me up so badly that I would want you dead. Do you get that?! My life could never be better with you gone, no matter what happens.” Harry tried to find words; he had so much intensity inside of him that he wanted to convey. His passion for this man was almost choking him but it was impossible to vocalise the depth of his feelings. He scrabbled around the corners of his mind, looking for anything that would tell Louis everything he needed to know. “Louis I’m so gone for you that it’s almost creepy. You could break my heart and I would still love you with all of the little pieces.”

With a loud scrape, Louis pushed his chair away from the table and threw himself into Harry’s lap, his arms already open to catch him as he landed. They clung together with an urgency like never before, both lost for words but found in each other's eyes. The was quite possibly the biggest and scariest moment of either of their lives; everything hung in the balance. It was a big step for Louis to make; he was unchaining his heart and removing his armour. He was standing naked and waiting to be sacrificed. The desperation rolled of his skin when he pressed himself to Harry, his hands never stilling as he tried to seek comfort from the feel of another human. His breath came in pants and gasps, partially formed words tripping off his tongue when he tried and failed to make sense of his racing thoughts.

“Sssshhh Lou, it’s okay. I’m here baby, I’m here.” Harry buried his face into Louis’ hair, the hot air of his breath spreading warmth over his pale scalp. “We’re going to be so, so happy. Just you wait and see, I’ve got such plans for us...”

 

Jay and Anne excused themselves, both knowing that it was time to leave their boys alone. The overriding emotion was pure elation but there was the underlying current of unease; the feeling that it could all be ripped away in an instant was one that Jay had become accustomed to almost three years. It felt almost wrong to be excited, as though they were revelling in Louis’ pain and hardship. Anne flashed her new friend a sympathetic look; she couldn’t even imagine what it would do to her if the boys’ roles were reversed.

“Shall we watch a film love?” Anne coaxed Jay down beside her and opened her arms just as the sobs began to wrack her body. “Hey now, come on. I’m not going to whisper platitudes, because let's be honest, they never help anyone. So, I’m not going to tell you it will all be okay. I’m going to tell you to let it all out. Just cry your fucking heart out love, you deserve it.”

The afternoon passed; emotions set free bounced off every wall, ricocheting around between the occupants of the London flat. Despite that, there was a new relief that filled the rooms. The windows seemed a little bigger, the ceilings a little higher, the air easier to breathe. They would be alright, they just had to be after they had come this far.

Notes:

We're actually starting to get pretty close to the end. I want to finish the bucket list without a doubt but I won't be keeping it going on and on after that. I don't want to overegg the pudding. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to these two yet!

Chapter 19: Fire On Fire Pt. 1

Summary:

Harry and Louis head on the camping trip of a lifetime. Louis is ready to take it to the next level, but after a disastrous journey, will he be able to let Harry know just how much he wants him?

Notes:

I am so so sorry that this has taken so long! I had a severe case of writer's block and then life got a little crazier than I would have liked so this fell by the way side. But I'm back now! I've split this chapter in two, I just wanted to get some content on for those of you who have been patiently waiting. Rest assured part 2 is well under way and won't be far behind!

Some music for this chapter:

The Beatles- Here Comes The Sun
Queen- You're My Best Friend
Anne-Marie - 2002
Sam Smith- Fire On Fire
Eva Cassidy- Songbird

It had been two weeks since Louis had made the decision to cancel his appointment. Those first few days had been difficult to navigate, neither of them sure how much they should say or not say. They had spent their time treading on eggshells, wary and unsure, but still in need of the comfort only they could provide each other. At night they had poured all the unspoken words out with their bodies; gasping wetly into open mouths, feverishly raking their nails over each other's skin and coaxing that sweet release with a new trepidation. Everything felt slightly amiss, like the week between Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is or what is going on in the world around them. Their relationship was trapped inside a bubble; finding its way on the new path that they were furiously paving as they went. That wasn’t to say that the time they spent together had been unpleasant, in fact it had been exactly the opposite; the sense of fragility had stirred up the feelings that had once slammed into them so ferociously in the whirlwind of their relationship. It had allowed them to swirl together gently, excitement effervescing inside of them and touching on everything they thought they already knew, leaving a mark and teaching them new ways to experience love.

It came as something of a relief when Niall invited them on an impromptu camping trip for the upcoming weekend; both Harry and Louis had nearly taken his hand off when he mentioned getting out of London. Maybe when they left the city behind, it would ease some of the pressure and remind them exactly why they were doing this.

“Can’t believe we’re actually going to the North!” Niall bounced excitedly behind the counter, spilling the hot chocolate he was trying to cobble together for a customer. “I’ve never been to the North!”

Harry looked over to Louis and smirked, both of them fonding over Niall’s enthusiasm for the opposite end of the country. He was the perfect buffer with the contagious smile and booming chuckle. He was smiling ear from ear at the customer as he handed over their change.

“It’s not Narnia, Nialler. You’re not about to meet any mythical creatures. Well- unless you count the ghosts in the forest as mythical...” Louis dipped his head to sip his coffee, his eyes playful when they met Harry’s over the rim.

“Ghosts? There was nothing on the website about ghosts!” Niall’s enthusiasm had all but vanished, his face drawn in panic when he looked to Harry for reassurance. “Boss? Is that a thing in the forests up there?”

Harry tried to keep his face straight but the sight of Louis’ shoulders shaking in his peripherals tipped him over the edge. He barked out a loud laugh directly in Niall’s face, his hand clamping over his mouth as his customer’s jumped in their seats.

“Aye, alright you pair of twats,” Niall rolled his eyes and started to fill the dishwasher to hide his quickly reddening cheeks. “You know I can’t bloody handle ghosts.”

“Sorry Niall, you know we love you. You’re just too easy sometimes.” Harry clapped Niall on the back and waited for a response. When he didn’t get one, he gestured for Louis to join in with the placating. “I’m sure there’s absolutely nothing up there to be scared of. Apart from Louis of course.”

Louis rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. “Sorry Niall, I shouldn’t have took the piss. It’s actually really decent of you to pull all this together for us.”

“I’ll forgive you this once. But you better behave from now on. Both of you,” Niall pointed his finger between them with a serious expression. The corners of his mouth twitched from trying to stop his smile, but in the end it was fruitless, his lips pulling up and exposing his teeth.

“So where are we going exactly?” Louis went back to his coffee, his eyes tracking the goodies in the glass case in front of him. He pulled a puppy dog face at Harry and pointed to a particularly tasty looking chocolate chip shortbread. Harry smiled and shook his head, reaching for the shortbread and putting it in front of Louis on a delicate china plate. “Thanks, handsome,” Louis whispered, his attention flicking straight back to Niall.

“Place called Barnard Castle in the North East. There’s this beautiful waterfall nearby called High Force and they do stargazing nights. It looked cool so I thought, fuck it, let's road trip it!” Niall reached under the counter for the leaflet and handed it over to Louis.

“Star Safaris. Enjoy a night under the stars, at a very special place,” Louis read, his eyes widening in delight at the pictures of a crashing waterfall under a million sparkling stars. “Niall this is gorgeous! Oh my God, they light the waterfall up! Harry! Have you seen this!”

Harry walked around the counter to stand behind Louis, pulling him into his chest with one arm and dropping a kiss on the top of his head as he read the leaflet.

“Wow, Niall. I’m impressed!” Harry’s chest vibrated against Louis’ head as he read the printed words under his breath. “Hey Lou, it’s the same waterfall from the Brian Cox documentary you made me watch.”

“It’s perfect. Hey Niall, it says here they have a hotel...”

“No way Tommo! We’re camping my boy!” Niall snatched the leaflet back and tucked it under the counter again for safe keeping. “All part of the experience!”

Louis shuddered; he despised camping. For him, there was nothing exciting about sleeping under damp canvas and trying to get comfortable in a musty old sleeping bag. Nowhere to get a proper shower without risking your health, nowhere to charge your phone and no TV to lull you to sleep. If he woke up with a sheep in the tent, he would literally skin Niall alive.

“Could be exciting baby. Remember the last time me and you were in a tent...” Harry purred seductively in Louis’ ear. His tongue snaked out and flicked against Louis’ lobe, wetting the skin before he blew gently over the same spot. A shiver ran from the top of his head all the way down to the base of his spine and gathered into a burning heat.

“That was a tepee, Harold. Much more exotic than some dilapidated scrap of canvas in the middle of a field.”

“It can be whatever we make it.”

“Alright you two, get a room!” Niall looked horrified, eyes wide and his mouth stretched in a straight line. “I don’t need to be an unwilling participant in your foreplay.

 

♥

 

“Good God, get me out of this car,” Louis pushed the car door wide and almost fell onto the gravel of the car park. After almost seven hours on the road (it should have been more like five but with Niall driving it was a miracle they’d got there at all) everyone was feeling the tension. Liam and Niall had bickered over the navigation all the way; Liam liked a traditional map, Niall liked Google Maps and Louis couldn't believe they were arguing when most of the journey was motorway. Harry had channelled his inner toddler and fallen fast asleep before they even got out of London and snored for the first two hours. When they stopped for coffee there had been a bit of ceasefire but once they were back on the road, Niall had started farting. Liam started retching harder and harder with every one until eventually he was tipped over the edge by a particularly silent but violent emission. They rocketed past Manchester, Liam’s head out the window as he threw up all down the side of the car. Harry only just got the back window closed on time to protect them from the splashback but watching the vomit slide over the windows was enough to turn his skin grey. He’d clutched onto Louis’ hand, his head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut with a backing track of rigorous retching. And even after all that, when Louis truly thought it couldn’t get worse, Clifford had leaned over the chairs from his place in the boot and thrown up down his arm and all over Harry’s fingers that were still entwined with his own.

“I’m covered in dog vomit and there’s not even a chance for a proper shower.” Harry slammed his own car door and stomped around to let Clifford out of the boot. “Go on hound, run free.” Clifford jumped down, tail wagging, and sat on the ground at Louis’ feet to wait for his command.

“Clifford, go.” Louis muttered, pointing over towards a cluster of bushes. He trotted off obediently, sniffing around for the perfect spot. “You okay Oscar?” He wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist and gazed up into his face.

“Oscar?”

“Yeah, Oscar the Grouch. From Sesame Street?”

I’m sorry,” Harry exhaled deeply. “That was just an absolute fucking nightmare.” He snuggled into Louis, watching as Liam and Niall climbed out of the car and immediately started ripping into each other again.

“RIGHT ENOUGH!” Louis shouted. “Look, we’ve all had a bit of a shitty journey and quite frankly the last thing I want to do is put up a tent. But we’re here together so let's just make the fucking most of it PLEASE!”

Three bemused faces stared back at Louis. He lowered his arms and relaxed his face, his hands pulling at the bottom of his t-shirt to fill the awkward silence.

“I’ve never heard you shout before Lou. Not like that.” Liam looked like a lost puppy, his skin still white and clammy.

“Sorry Liam. I didn’t mean to shout... I just... I want us to have a good time.” The anxiety was starting to kick in, worry that he’d overstepped the mark clouding his vision.

“That was-,” Harry fumbled around for words, his hands circling each other as he tried to form a sentence. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Agreed. And I’m not even gay.” Niall’s comment finally broke the tension and all four of them started to laugh. “I have a bit of a surprise for you Lou. I booked you and Harry a glamping pod. No need for you to get under a bit of damp canvas.” He pointed up the hill where a cluster of small, wooden huts were huddled together. The honey-coloured slats popped out of the ground like semi-circular beehives, each one with an outdoor terrace built onto the front. They were like Hobbit holes, warm and inviting, with twinkling lights illuminating the outside in the rapidly darkening afternoon.

“You did what?!” Louis spun rapidly back around and was greeted with Niall’s happy little face. “Niall- that’s so sweet but... why?”

“I wanted you two to have a nice weekend together, you deserve it after all the shit you’ve been through. And to be frank, I don’t need to hear you bumping uglies through thin layers of tent.” Niall laughed as Harry’s face flushed almost purple, and he turned towards Clifford to call him back.

Louis could feel tears pricking behind his eyes; considering Niall had been convinced he was a serial killer in the beginning, they really had come a long way. He hadn’t said it to any of the guys out of misguided fear, but the thought of being out in the open with only fabric separating him from the wilderness had been weighing extremely heavy on him. The last few nights the anxiety had reared its ugly head, his dreams plagued with dark figures swiping knives through the tent and impaling Harry as he lay in Louis’ arms. He would wake, dripping with sweat and disorientated, cowering in the corner of his bed as he frantically tried to scrub the blood from his skin. Harry was always there, his voice low and soothing as he coached Louis back into full consciousness without touching him, Clifford assuming the position in his lap and using his weight to ground his master.

“Excuse me Niall,” Liam retorted sassily. “Can you please explain to me why these two arseholes have somehow qualified for some heated little fuck hut with running water and a TV, while I’m stuck down here in hell with just you and some particularly rampageous cows for company?! Why couldn’t we all stay in the bastard huts?!” Louis snorted with laughter and quickly withered under Liam’s dark glare.

“We’re here to experience the great outdoors Li-Li my boy! Menly men doing man things; lighting fires, cooking burgers and all that kind of shit.”

“Well as much fun as that sounds, I’m going to take my boyfriend for a look around our pod.” Harry laced his fingers through Louis’, his thumb tucked in to stroke up and down Louis’ soft palm. “Honestly Nialler, I can’t thank you enough for this. You’re the best mate.” He reached out and squeezed his friend’s shoulder, a warm smile passing between them.

“Don’t thank me just yet, I’ll be up to use your shower later.” He chuckled loudly, his tongue poking between his feet and his eyes wide with mirth.

“Give us at least an hour though, yeah?” Louis winked over his shoulder as he dragged Harry up the rough path that was carved into the hill. Clifford ran ahead, sniffing at everything he could find and sniffing out rabbits and squirrels. Yes, this weekend really would be perfect.

 

♥

 

Later that evening, the four men sat around the fire pit on the glamping pod’s terrace, wrapped up against the cold bite of upcoming winter in the evening air. Harry and Louis were sharing one wicker chair; Louis curled tightly into Harry’s lap, his legs dangling over the arm of the chair and a red checkered blanket cocooning them together. Niall had taken the seat beside them, his own blue checkered blanket wrapped tightly around his upper body right up to his chin. Liam had been left with the green checks, and his blanket was casually draped across his lap, his legs crossed at the ankles and feet stretched out towards the fire pit. They had enjoyed a takeaway pizza after Niall’s attempt at a barbecue had almost ended in a forest fire and now, they were just soaking in each other’s company, laughing and joking in the effortless way good friends do.

“I can’t get over how nice this little thing is,” Liam leaned back in his chair, peering in through the glass doors to the cosy interior of the pod. “I kind of expected bunk beds, I won’t lie.”

When Louis and Harry had first walked into the pod that afternoon, they had had pretty much the same response. They hadn’t expected the thick, cream carpet or the fluffy bedside rug. They definitely hadn’t expected the squashy double bed with scatter cushions and a thick, woollen runner across the foot. The widescreen TV on the table at the bottom was switched on and displaying the Netflix menu and a steam diffuser was pumping out the sweet smell of lavender. The bathroom was small but modern and clean; they had their own toilet, shower and sink and, to Louis’ delight, a heated towel rail complete with fluffy white towels in all sizes. They even had a little kitchenette with an oven and hob, a microwave and a kettle. It seemed criminal that they would only be here for two nights. The first thing they had done was cram into the tiny shower together; it had been surprisingly powerful, and the promised hour of alone time had quickly passed as they trailed kisses all over each other’s warm, damp skin. It had been indulgent and loving; there was nothing more they had to do than to explore each other and enjoy the overwhelming excitement of just being there, in that moment so deeply wrapped in bliss. Louis knew that with every passing day he was finding it harder and harder to not submit to the passion and beg Harry to completely own his body, to open him up and make love to him, to help Louis reclaim that side of himself. There was only fear stopping him; although they were always hungry for more of each other, Louis still worried that maybe Harry didn’t want to have sex with him, that maybe he thought Louis was broken or damaged in some way. The logical side of his brain knew that was nothing more than an intrusive thought, but the logical part wasn’t always in charge; every time he opened his mouth to beg Harry to take him, he panicked and swallowed his words, so sure that Harry could smell his desperation and embarrassment. He hoped that maybe this place, so beautiful and peaceful, could give him that courage to take that leap with Harry.

 

“Don’t get too comfortable Li, there’s no room for you in the fuck hut,” Harry chuckled as he handed Liam another bottle of beer from the cooler at his feet. He settled back in the chair, rearranging Louis into the comfortable spot of his lap and dropping a kiss behind his ear.

Liam’s face twisted into a disgusted grimace, and he shivered theatrically. “I’d rather spoon Niall and his stinking arse than stay here and listen to you two going at it. The day I hear my boss begging his boyfriend to butter his muffin is the day I hand my notice in!”

“Nah look at him, our Harold is definitely a screamer,” Niall chuckled, before breaking into high-pitched squeals. Clifford soon started to howl in harmony and the four men collapsed into hysterical laughter.

Louis had grown to love the feeling of pain in his stomach that only came from laughing until you thought you might pass out. It was happy pain, startling and special. In this moment, there was nothing more special to him; it was such a massive change from the kind of pain he’d lived in until recently and, for Louis, it was another full circle moment. Now he was welcoming pain, revelling in it even, instead of fighting it away and begging for mercy.

“Well, I hate to be the party pooper, but I’m about to butter your boss’ muffin right here and now if you don’t piss off back through your damp flaps.” Louis started to stretch out, letting the blood flow through his limbs.

“Enough said, we’re off.” Liam stood quickly, slapping Niall on the back right as he took a mouthful of beer. “C’mon dickhead, we’ve outstayed our welcome.”

“Night guys,” Harry called after them as they descended the patio steps. They could be heard bickering good naturedly all the way down the hill where their tent nestled, their torch lights crossing over each other in the dark. “Bedtime for you Mr Tomlinson, don’t want you turning into a pumpkin.”

Harry scooped Louis off the ground and cradled him in his arms like a newlywed. Without another word he brought his mouth down to Louis’, the cold tips of their noses glancing off each other as their hot breath mingled between them. Louis whined in his throat, so gone for Harry with the simplicity of his kiss. His body was alight, his skin hyper aware of the fingers pressing into the flesh of his hips and gripping the back of his thighs. He could feel the heat of Harry’s touch even through the thick layers of clothes that kept out the nip of the cold night air. Near silence had fallen over the campsite; wind rustled through the drying leaves on the trees that surrounded them, an owl hooted deep in the nearby woodland and two hearts thrummed to the same beat. Carefully Harry walked them both towards the warm glow of the pod; he carefully pressed the handle down, never losing his grip on Louis as they spilled through the door. Totally lost in each other, they didn’t notice Clifford scuttling through the gap in the nick of time as Harry pushed the door closed with one foot.

They tumbled onto the bed, their fingers already fumbling with buttons and zips in their desperation to press their bodies together. It seemed unfathomable that no matter how many times they touched or tasted or stroked each other that the hunger was never sated, it only grew and deepened into starvation. They could never get their fill.

“I need you so fucking bad,” Harry moaned in a low whisper, his breath tickling Louis’ ear and sending shivers coursing through him. “You don’t know what you do to me.” He ground his hips down, pressing his erection into Louis’ thigh and moaning again at the contact.

Louis brought his leg up and wrapped it around Harry’s waist, pulling him down hard and fast and trapping him in place. Their clothes were bundled together in a heap on the floor, their skin hot and sticky with sweat as they worked against each other. Louis felt like he had left his body, his soul floating somewhere above them. His mind was full of clouds, stars bursting behind his eyes and making his head spin. He was orbiting Harry, his very core pulled like a magnet into the fray.

“Show me. Show me what I do to you.” Louis wasn’t even sure he was coherent, the buzz of the beer and the natural high of arousal numbing his tongue. “I want you. I can’t even fucking say how much I want you inside of me.”

Harry stopped, pressing himself up on his hands and hovering over Louis.

“Open your eyes baby. Look at me.” He waited until Louis’ lids fluttered open, the shock of ice blue and blown pupils going straight to his cock in a powerful throb. “Are you sure you- y'know. I don’t want you to feel rushed.”

“I’m sure. I’ve been sure for a while.” Louis cupped Harry’s face, pulling him back down and pressing their lips together softly. Harry’s breath hitched, his arms wavering. Louis smiled against his mouth, quietly smug that he could affect someone so perfect in such an intense way. “I want you to fuck me, Harry. Right now.”

“No Louis,” Harry replied, almost abruptly.

Louis stiffened, his face falling and flushing with embarrassment. “Jesus, I’m an idiot- I should have known...”

“I’m not fucking you Louis, you’re more than that. We’re going to do this right.” He smiled softly, a hint of teeth flashing through his plump lips. “I want you to remember this for the right reasons, okay?”

Louis nodded, his mouth gaping open in surprise.

“Let me take care of you Lou,” Harry lowered himself, fitting his body like a puzzle piece to Louis’.

Harry closed his mouth on Louis’ jaw, sucking soft kisses along to his chin. He pressed one hand to the side of Louis’ neck, pulse buzzing under the soft pads of his fingers. Louis’ head tilted back gently, pushed with a gentle thumb flick. His eyes closed as Harry’s nose dragged down the underside of his chin, down onto the stretch of his throat and stopping just above his Adam’s apple. Harry pulled back to take in the beautiful mess that Louis was already in; with a smile, he lowered his head again and grazed over the solid lump in Louis’ throat with his teeth. The high-pitched keen that spilled from his boyfriend’s quivering lips let him know where his head was, and he bit down slightly harder on the side of his throat.

Peppering Louis’ neck with a mixture of kisses and nibbles, Harry lowered one hand and traced swirling patterns up and down his ribs. He could feel the skin hollowing in, goosebumps springing up with every drag over the soft skin. Louis’ head was thrown back, his breath coming in pants and gasps. Harry was intent on going slow, of making Louis feel every sensation before he devoured him. They had the rest of their lives to fuck each other, but tonight they were coming together for the first time; this was an experience that couldn’t be rushed. Whatever Louis may think in the heat of the moment, it needed to be gentle and tender and slow. Not forgetting fucking mind-blowing.

Harry straddled Louis and sat up. Concentrating solely on his upper body, he let his eyes track over each dip and undulation; he was greedy and desperate, the need to touch every inch of Louis churning low in his gut. He dragged his hands down from his shoulders, over his chest and down over his stomach; Louis’ nipples hardened underneath his palms, and he bucked up into Harry involuntarily. The feel of his hard cock pressing into Harry’s cheeks sent a spasm through the bigger man, a low moan forcing its way out. Momentarily lost to the moment, Harry threw himself forward and started to suck hard on one nipple, his fingers finding the other and rolling it between his forefinger and thumb. It was like an electric shock through Louis’ core, his eyes shot open and then quickly rolled back into his head as the sensation took over him.

“Harry... please... I’m begging you...” Harry’s mouth moved over and began to suck and lick at Louis’ other nipple. “I can’t take it... I need you... please...”

Shuffling down Louis’ legs, Harry trailed his tongue down the length of his torso, making a little circle around the outside of his belly button and sinking his fingertips into the soft flesh of Louis’ hips. He pulled up hard and Louis’ hips lifted off the bed, Harry’s nose sinking into the downy hair of his victory trail. He could smell the minty shower gel they’d used earlier and something underlying and masculine, it was the smell of arousal and adrenaline that poured from their skin. Taking his time, Harry kissed along one hip bone, across the top of Louis’ pubic hair and along the other hip. His fingers massaged rhythmically, and Louis bucked his hips in time, his cock pressing into the hollow of Harry’s throat.

“Are you okay Lou?” Harry lifted his head briefly to check they were still on the same page. He saw the frantic nod, heard the rasping breath as Louis tried to form words. “You can tell me stop whenever you want, okay?”

“Don’t you fucking dare stop,” Louis hissed, his fingers threading into Harry’s curls and pulling hard.

Harry growled, low and loud, and without warning wrapped his mouth around Louis’ cock, slamming down onto it hard and feeling his throat expand as he swallowed it down as deep as he could manage. Louis cried out and his hips shot up, but Harry was ready, and he pressed them back down firmly, holding his boyfriend still as he worked the throbbing shaft that was making his eyes water. Saliva was pooling in his mouth, leaking from the small gaps at the side of his lips and rolling down his chin. His position meant he was sitting on Louis’ shins, pressing his legs into the mattress. His eyes flicked up and he moaned at the sight of Louis’ upper body arching up off the mattress, one hand still pulling at his curls and the other twisted in the sheets, his knuckles white with tension. The vibrations of his moan travelled through Louis’ cock, and he screamed out, precum leaking from his tip and sliding down Harry’s throat.

“You taste so fucking good.” Harry sat up, one finger wiping each corner of his mouth in turn. “You’re beautiful!”

Louis looked down at Harry, his eyes heavy, his lids almost closed. He was wrecked already, and there was still so much to come for him. His lips were curved into a tired smile, his tongue flicking out to moisten his lips. Harry climbed off his legs and laid down, pulling Louis onto his side so that they were face to face.

“Do we have lube?” Louis nodded without a word, his eye closing in anticipation of Harry’s kiss. As soon as Harry’s mouth opened, Louis shot his tongue inside and tasted himself. He reached for Harry’s dick and was shocked to feel a strong hand close around his wrist and guide him away. “Tonight, is about me treating you, there’s plenty of time for you to touch me.” He planted a peck on Louis’ lips, and still holding his wrist, he leaned over him to pull the overnight back from the bottom of the bed closer. He reached inside and fumbled blindly for the familiar bottle. “Is it okay if I finger you Lou?” Harry asked, squirting lube onto his fingers and coating them generously.

“Yes please!” Louis was eager, his hips already rocking against Harry.

“Bring your leg up and wrap it around my waist baby, that’s it. Hold onto my shoulders. Good boy. I want you to nip me hard if you need a break, okay? Lou? Answer me darling.”

“Yes, I will- please just touch me, Harry.”

Harry smiled fondly, his eyes travelling over Louis’ face. He took in the thick, dark lashes that rested on his cheeks where his eyes closed; he took in the sharp cheekbones and strong jaw; he took in the thin, dark red line of Louis’ mouth, hanging open in ecstasy. Harry wrapped one arm around Louis’ shoulders and pulled him tight to his chest. Their nipples brushed together, and Harry suppressed a moan, he was so turned on he could barely think straight; the only thing keeping him from ravaging Louis was the need inside of him to treat with nothing but care and pure tenderness. “Treat him so good” looped round and round in his head and kept him from throwing caution to the wind.

He looped his other arm around Louis’ waist and traced a finger up and down his crack. Louis stiffened and clenched briefly. Taking the hint, Harry backed off and deepened their kiss, concentrating on each smack of their lips. He left his finger in place but let it lay still to get Louis accustomed to someone being back in his personal space after such a long time. When he relaxed in Harry’s arms, that finger started to trace the line up and down again, getting shorter and shorter until it hovered close to the puckered skin of his hole. Louis’ fingers tightened ever so slightly before they loosened and Harry took this as a green light; he started to circle around the frill of skin, taking his time and staying aware of the reactions he was getting. Louis started to whine, and his hips circled in time with Harry’s strokes as pleasure overtook fear.

“Shit, I forgot how fucking good it was H.”

Harry let the tip of his finger press down on Louis’ opening. He felt himself starting to slip inside and slowed his pace, giving Louis plenty of time to adjust to what was happening. He needn’t have worried, one of Louis’ arms slipped around his neck, the leg around his waist tightening and their bodies pressing together even harder. Louis was enjoying every minute. There was a sense of pride and satisfaction that swirled with Harry’s arousal. This was so much better than it had ever been for him; he had always been a giver but getting such a positive reaction was out of this world. Harry pushed down a little, his finger slipping in up to the first knuckle. Louis hissed and clenched around Harry’s finger but within seconds he was back to gently circling his hips and pushing back lightly. They found a rhythm together, Louis gently pushing back and Harry shallowly thrusting his finger.

“Deeper Harry, please.”

He didn’t need telling twice, he pushed his finger all the way in and shuddered with pleasure at the filth that spewed out of Louis.

“You’re so fucking good to me. Finger fucking me just like I imagined every time I made myself cum. Keep going, please keep going.”

Harry deepened the thrust of his finger and was rewarded with whines and moans as Louis sped up his rocking. Harry was indescribably hard and throbbing, his cock pressed in between their stomachs and leaking profusely. He wanted to thrust his hips, but he knew that if he started now, he’d be splashing all over them within seconds. He needed to hold off.

“Another one, Harry. I’m ready for another one.” Louis had completely relaxed into Harry, and he keened when another finger pressed gently against his opening. “So fucking thick, I want it.” He gasped as Harry pushed inside, both fingers thrusting inside his tight, velvet walls. There was no sound in the room except the moans of the men and the wet slap of Harry sliding in and out Louis. He crooked his fingers and searched for Louis’ sweet spot, a deep growl letting him know he’d hit the jackpot. “Shit. Fuck.”

Louis sank his teeth into Harry’s shoulder, muffled screams flying out of his mouth and rippling against skin. It was hotter than anything either of them had experienced; sweat poured between them, slicking their skin as their bodies slid over the other. The sexual tension in the air stole their breath, their lungs barely inflating as they whined and panted into each other’s mouths. Harry scissored his fingers gently and Louis whimpered.

“Are you okay baby? Shall I stop?”

“No! Harry... I’m getting close. Please- I... make love to me please?”

Harry slowly started to slide his fingers out of Louis, knowing that he would feel the sting more intensely when the pleasure stopped.

“Lou, what are you doing?” Harry stilled Louis as he started to get up on his hands and knees.

“I thought we were going to- I thought you wanted me?”

“I do want you, more than anything. But I want to watch you. Lie on your back, beautiful. Please?”

Louis looked astounded but did as he was asked and rolled onto his back. He seemed to become self-conscious suddenly, his hands fidgeting over the slight pudge of his stomach and the lividity of his ‘JACK’ scar. Harry took his chin gently between his fingers and tilted his face until their eyes met.

“You are so out of my fucking league. You’re gorgeous.” Their mouths clashed together, and Harry eased Louis’ leg up to wrap high around his waist. “Okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just- I've never really done it like this before. Not as a bottom anyway.”

Harry tried to hide his surprise, a flare of anger at the men who had used Louis sending heat to his cheeks. “Well, I’m going to show you how good you deserve it Lou, I promise.”

He positioned himself at Louis’ entrance, already slick with lube and arousal. He squirted more lube onto himself and shuddered with pleasure as he stroked up and down his shaft. He lowered himself onto Louis, their lips finding each other and parting into a decadent kiss. Harry started to thrust gently and hissed as he felt his cock starting to slide inside of Louis. He kept to a slow pace, occasionally opening his eyes to watch his boyfriend’s reactions. There was a slight furrow to his brow, a natural reflex to the stretch and sting he was bound to be feeling. But he was relaxed, in love, unravelled with lust.

Harry breached the tight ring of muscle and felt himself slide into the deep warmth. Louis gasped and his eyes shot open, but he urged Harry on with a dig of his heel. He was everything; Harry was alive with sensation as he buried himself into the love of his life. This had been worth the wait, worth the uncertainty, worth the heartache. This was where he belonged, where he needed to be for the rest of his days. The planets were aligning, the sun eclipsed, the stars exploding. Tears fell from Harry’s eyes but where they came from, he couldn’t say. He was the happiest he had ever been, the most overwhelmed with emotion, the most turned on, more than he had ever imagined in all his wildest fantasies. They were grinding together, no need for frantic thrusting, just happy to take their time getting to know each other’s bodies in their entireties. Time was standing still and flying by, they could feel everything and nothing.

“I love you so much. So much Louis, so much.” Harry’s tears fell onto Louis’ cheeks and rolled down, settling in the hollow of his throat that trembled with each quaking breath.

“I love you too baby, I’ll love you with every beat of my heart for the rest of my life.”

They were desperately trying to get closer to each other, their bodies already flush but never close enough. Harry could feel his peak building in waves, his entire body tingling from his toes to his scalp. His grinding quickened; his movements shorter as he tried to burrow even deeper into Louis. He reached between them and wrapped his hand around Louis’ cock, working his shaft exactly the way he knew would pull him over the edge.

“I can’t hold off H, I can’t fucking hold off. Shit!” Louis’ head was thrown back, his pulse visible at either side of his neck, veins bulging as he clenched his teeth.

“Come on baby, give it up for me. Cum for me Louis, cum now!” Louis bellowed with ecstasy, his eyes bulging out of his head and his nails sinking into Harry’s back. He came long and hard, pouring over Harry’s knuckles and between his fingers. His entire body shook and jerked, his orgasm going on and on like it would never end.

“HARRY! FUCK HARRY! I CAN’T- ARGH FUCK... ME!”

That was all it took to push Harry into the abyss; his vision tunnelled as he spilled inside Louis, his muscles clenching around his cock as his own orgasm continued to rip through him.

“God, I love you so fucking much!” Harry pressed their foreheads together, his eyes squeezing shut as he let every feeling wash through him. He didn’t even know what this was; the fire, the intensity, the desire, the love, the emotion!

They lay together, panting as they slowly came back to their bodies. Their hands skittered over each other’s skin as they tried to ground themselves, tried to pull themselves back to the here and now. Neither of them spoke; it felt as though words would shatter the very atmosphere, and all they had was looks and gentle touches.

Gradually, they pulled apart, still always touching each other in some way, as if they might disappear if no one was holding on to them. There was no attempt to clean up beyond a quick rub down with baby wipes that Louis had thoughtfully packed with the lube. When they were somewhat clean, they curled around each other, face to face in the darkness and sharing soft kisses.

“Thank you, Harry.” Louis whispered, his fingers twirling chocolatey curls.

“It should be me thanking you. You were fucking incredible!” Harry kissed Louis again, his hand splayed, and his fingers settled in the dimples at the bottom of Louis’ spine.

“No. Thank you for making me feel like a whole person. Thank you for making love to me, not fucking me. Thank you for making me feel special.”

“Let me make you feel special every day for the rest of our lives Louis. Let me stay forever.” Harry laced their fingers together and nuzzled Louis’ face with the tip of his nose.

“Yours, always.” Louis yawned, his eyes closing with a smile still stretched on his lips. He didn’t see the tears that slid from under Harry’s closed lids or the grin that he wore all night. But he felt them. He felt loved, protected, wanted. He felt like he’d come home.

Notes:

I hope you guys enjoyed this. I wanted it to be as realistic to their situation as possible instead of just hardcore smut so I really hope I've managed to find the balance between the two! Let me know what you think in the comments or over at @loudloudlove on Twitter, I'm always looking for more friends over there!

Chapter 20: Fire On Fire Pt. 2

Summary:

The boys wake up to chaos after their first night of camping and get ready to spend a night stargazing at the waterfall.

Notes:

Okay so this chapter did not follow the brief plan I had AT ALL! Originally I'd intended it to be a lot more about what they were up to, but I quickly realised that I needed more dialogue and communication for H & L after such a momentous occasion. I hope you enjoy the comic relief in the form of Liam and Niall, they're swiftly becoming my favourite duo!

No music this time I'm afraid, my playlist is very limited cos I'm as basic as they come, and I don't want to annoy anyone with loads of repeats. I'd love to hear what songs you guys think fit though? Maybe I can expand my horizons haha. On second thoughts, maybe just stream Bigger Than Me on repeat ;) it does fit very well in fairness.

The next morning, as the Autumn sun barely peeked through the vanishing night sky, Louis woke with a deep, contented sigh. Harry’s warm skin pressed against his back; his arms still wrapped around Louis’ waist to entwine their fingers. His soft, snuffling snores puffed out in hot breaths that whistled into Louis’ hair and their ankles knotted together. The memories of the night before came back with startling clarity and Louis waited to feel the usual shame and embarrassment, but it never came. Instead, a smile flourished across his face and made his eyes crinkle; their first time had been everything he had wanted it to be. Harry had been soft and loving, his concern for Louis’ enjoyment and comfort the main thing, but the heat had simmered beneath it all, the passion driving them together.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Louis glanced over his shoulder and was met by Harry’s soft, squashed morning face, pillow creases kissing his cheeks. His eyes were barely open, sleep crusting the corners and clinging to his lengthy lashes.

“Just thinking what an exceptionally wonderful morning it is. Hi.” He turned onto his side to face Harry, their lips finding each other. “Keep your mouth closed please, morning breath is not a turn on!”

“How do you feel?” Harry asked between kisses, colossal palms coming up to smooth Louis’ hair away from his face. He brought the tips of their noses together, nuzzling the sleep-warmed skin and nipping Louis’ bottom lip between his teeth.

“I feel great; bit sore but I kinda like that. It’s like you marked your territory.” Harry groaned, his eyes falling closed.

“Fucking hell, you are unholy Louis William Tomlinson.”

Louis’ closed mouth rule was forgotten, Harry deepening their kiss. The birds were just starting to chirp outside, the sky flaming orange as the sun fought its way up into the sky. Their bodies were pressed together, the slightest traces of the night before still lingering in downy hairs. It didn’t matter that they both needed a good shower or that the pod curtains were still thrown wide, they were lost in the beauty of just being here, right now, at the beginning of their love story with the years stretching ahead of them. Although it had barely been brought up, that clinic appointment had been there in the background no matter what they were doing. It had been a poison, toxic, a fungus; latching onto to every moment and slowly turning it black with venom. Their love had been the antidote, cleansing Louis’ soul and blasting the darkness off everything. They could breathe again, the icy fingers of its chokehold prised away. The excitement and hope that had struggled beneath it was free, flourishing, growing in its place and taking root in their hearts.

They broke apart from their kiss, eyes still closed for the briefest of moments while they soaked it all in. Louis finally knew what peace and contentment felt like.

“JESUS MOTHER OF FUCK!” Louis shot upright, pulling the covers up to his shoulders and leaving Harry exposed to the elements.

“LOUIS WHAT?!” Harry panicked, his limbs flailing and no longer in control of his body as he tried to get a grip on the sudden shock. He followed Louis’ gaze to the pod door. “NIALL! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

Niall’s face was pressed flat against the glass panes, his mouth stretched wide, and eyes crinkled in a deep laugh. Harry fell out of bed with a loud thump and started scrambling through the pile of discarded clothes on the floor to find his pants, one hand fruitlessly trying to cover his modesty.

“IT’S POKING OUT BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS BOSS!” Niall hollered through the window, one hand coming up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “JUST LET THE LITTLE GUY....SCRATCH THAT... BIG GUY SWING!”

Harry stormed over to the doors, flinging them wide and narrowly missing Niall’s head. His face was scrunched in anger, but Louis could see the starts of a smile pulling at his mouth. Niall just had that effect on people; even when he was behaving like a total delinquent you couldn’t help but love him. To anyone on the outside, he was a total menace, but their little group loved him with all their hearts and their lives wouldn’t be the same without his exploits.

“Get in the pod you utter, utter shithead!” Harry stood to one side and Niall entered with a small bow.

“Good morning, Lou! You look... refreshed?” Niall waggled his eyebrows up and down suggestively and threw himself down on the end of the bed.

“Well, Nialler, you certainly just got my heart going! What the fuck were you doing?!”

“You can’t blame me for that, looked like Harry was the one getting you going to me! I wanted to check to see if you were up before I knocked. Saw you two getting busy and thought it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.”

Harry crossed the room and flicked the switch on the coffee machine, one finger trailing through the complimentary pods the owners had left in the welcome basket. He looked over to Niall, raising an eyebrow at him and shaking his head.

“You have a sickness, Irish, you know that right?” Harry leaned around the bathroom door and grabbed a robe; he walked over to the bed to wrap it around Louis’ shoulders and dropped a kiss on the top of his head before he turned back to their kitchenette. Louis whispered a thank you and slid his arms into the robe.

“Don’t worry boss, you looked kinda hot, y’know? No homo though, no homo!”

Harry rolled his eyes, the laugh that had been threatening finally bursting out of his mouth. “No homo, bro, of course! Methinks the lady doth protest too much!”

“Nah, you guys have the diversity of our friendship group covered. I’ll take care of the ladies now that Payno is out of action!”

“He has a girlfriend and a beautiful daughter Niall, he’s not ill!” Harry was busying himself making coffees for the three of them, the disbelief on his face obvious.

“You have your opinions, I have mine! Anyway, can I plug my phone in and use your shower or what?”

“And there was me thinking this was a social call!” Louis kicked at Niall from underneath the blankets, holding his hands out for the cup Harry was offering. “Lovely, thank you baby.”

“I’ve seen the good stuff, now, the pleasantries are over!” Niall took the cup out of Harry’s hands and disappeared into the bathroom; his laugh still audible after he closed the door.

Harry climbed back under the sheets with his coffee and lifted Louis’ arm to snuggle into his side. His cold feet found their place under Louis’ calves while the two men blew on their steaming mugs. They were a picture of domesticity, love drunk on each other and loving every minute.

“Sorry we were so rudely interrupted by that tit I very stupidly hired.” Harry looked up at Louis, his eyes sparkling with happiness. “Let’s talk about you. Thoughts? Feelings?”

“I feel … complete? Is that stupid?” Harry shook his head enthusiastically and started to run his fingers underneath Louis’ robe. It was intimate rather than sexual, but it still left electricity in its wake. “I guess I’ve built it up in my head for so long and thought the worst- okay so, I don’t even know how to start explaining the confusion between my body and my mind. I’ve always been tactile, and before what happened, sex was nothing to me. Well, not nothing, that makes me sound like a tramp but, it wasn’t a big deal. It was fun and exciting but that was it. And after... that, it changed. I started to associate it with fear and with pain. It felt like anyone who wanted to sleep with me just wanted to control me or own me or something. So, in my mind, sex was the last thing I ever wanted to do with anyone because it could only ever end in heartache and destruction. But my body, well my body had different ideas. I’m a young man of a certain age, the age when once upon a time in a different life I’d have been out sowing my seed and trying to get as many virile women pregnant as possible. So, I would still get turned on and I would still get urges; that terrified the living shit out of me, Harry.”

“Oh baby, come here.” Harry swapped their positions, taking Louis’ cup and pulling him into his chest. “Go on, I’m listening.”

“The very first day I saw you, my cock twitched in my trousers. I say this with absolutely no shame, you took my fucking breath away. You were hands down the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and my body was screaming out for your hands on me. Then the old party pooper, my brain, came along and was gaslighting me. Look at his hands, they could do damage. Look at the muscles in his back, he’s strong enough to hold you down.” Louis shivered at the memory; the lust that had coursed through his body and made him weak at the knees, followed by the gut punch of horror when he pictured all the ways Harry could hurt him. It had been an internal battle, head and heart (or cock, really), over whether the Greek God smiling at him and asking how he could help was really a predator and whether Louis could run home fast enough to save himself. “It took everything I had not to turn tail and run out the door and in fact, the only thing stopping me was the worry that you’d follow me. I’ve assumed the worst of everyone for so long Harry, I’ve pushed everyone and everything away from me in case I was stupid enough to start trusting them, or worse, loving them.”

“That must have been pretty lonely, Lou. Feeling so lost inside and not having a single safe space to turn to.” It wasn’t a question, Harry just knew. He was a people person, at his best when he was surrounded by love and companionship. He was an open book, probably a bit of an oversharer, and being alone and closed off was his worst nightmare.

“It was. It was hell, and I was doing it to myself. I was letting myself be closed off because I wasn’t brave enough to believe in the good. Until you. My handsome, loving, unconventional hero. You smashed your way past my walls, and I still don’t know how you did it, but I’m so grateful that you did. Because when you were done smashing your way in, you built me back up. Only this time you added windows and a door, and you let the sun in. You made a home in me Harry; one that has laughter and love and happiness. One that people are welcome in, that they make themselves comfortable in, one that I can share. And last night … well you just helped me turn the final lock on my past. I am finally free!”

“Jesus, Louis. Wow. I just – thank you. But it was all you. Never, ever underestimate yourself because everything about you is pure soul. You’ve made these changes and you’ve done all the hard work. I was just there to nudge you along when you got tired. That’s all.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you so much more.”

 

♥

 

“But you took off and left me in there with it you fucking traitor!”

Louis rolled his eyes at Harry as they walked through the darkness to the pick-up point for their trip to High Force. They must have heard this same argument 369 times today and Liam wasn’t any less incensed than he had been when he’d stormed into the pod at 8am, just as Niall was getting out of his suspiciously long shower.

“Liam, I’ve already told you mate, you both seemed happy, and I didn’t want to disturb you! There was no harm done so I don’t know why you’re being so arsey about it.”

“No harm do... Niall. For the love of God just listen to what I am saying. You walked out of that tent this morning with the full knowledge that there was a fucking fox asleep next to me and you didn’t say a word. Not... one... single... word. I COULD HAVE GOT RABIES NIALL!”

“BUT YOU DIDN’T LIAM!”

“IT WAS CHEWING ON MY BOXER SHORTS! DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE TO MY BOLLOCKS IT WAS?!”

“Guys! Guys! Guys! You’re getting so shrill that only dogs can hear you now. Niall, just apologise for God’s sake. I have no idea what went through your head, but you really shouldn’t have left Liam asleep in the tent and spooning a fox.” Harry was trying his best to play peacemaker, but they weren’t getting anywhere.

Secretly Louis thought it was pretty funny, after all it didn’t happen to him so he could laugh about it. But going off the look on Liam’s face, now would not be the time to bring that up. The man was majorly pissed and hadn’t shut up all day about “billing Niall for his Calvins”.

“I thought it would have been a sheep if anything. The fox was definitely a wildcard,” Louis whispered. Watching his boyfriend’s face crinkle in delight like a kid at Christmas was intoxicating and he was left, as always, wanting more of that feeling. He pulled him closer, their hands knitted together in matching woollen gloves, and pressed their lips together. Harry tasted like coffee and cinnamon, a menthol tang lingering on his lips from the lip balm he’d hastily slicked on before they left the pod. “Mmmm, delicious.” Louis licked all around his own lips, picking up the last traces of Harry’s taste, and beamed with pride when Harry moaned under his breath.

The four men followed the marked-out path to the coach stop and waited with twenty or thirty others who were joining their trip. Everyone was bundled against the cold in hats and scarfs, thick winter coats straining against the jumpers underneath. What was it about going out late at night that made British people dress like they were off on an Arctic expedition? Louis couldn’t exactly talk, he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, hoodie and a denim jacket with a sheepskin trim but it was hilarious to watch everyone waddling around like penguins and struggling to bend through the thick layers. He let his eyes fall onto Harry, as they so often did nowadays. He looked edible, a total rockstar. He was wearing black skinny jeans that clung to every curve of his body, distressed boots poking out at the end; the laces frayed and almost dragging on the ground. He’d pulled one of Louis’ band tees over his head at the last minute not knowing that he could be seen pausing to sniff it in the bathroom mirror. His own red plaid shirt was draped over the top, the buttons left open and showing off his slim waist in the slightly too tight t-shirt. When he’d shrugged into his shearling coat, it was all Louis could do not to whimper out loud. The man was a vision, a seemingly sloppy outfit coming together like art, and the best bit was, he didn’t seem to realise it. Louis had stood on his tiptoes to wind a chunky knit black scarf around his neck, taking the opportunity to pull on it so he could reach to kiss his nose.

Gravel crunched behind them as the coach pulled in and everyone started a form a line to get on board. It was only a ten-minute drive to the falls and excitement was starting to fizz in Louis’ stomach. It hadn’t escaped his attention that this was something else to tick off his bucket list but now, it felt more like the promise of things to come than a way of saying goodbye. He and Harry had agreed that they would still try and see it out before the year ended, but now it was their way of setting their intentions for their life together. They were creating a beautiful love story and experiencing some of the best things life had to offer, it was the sort of magic some people never found. And it would get better, Louis had some ideas up his sleeve that he didn’t think Harry would be able to resist.

They climbed off the coach a few minutes later, the sound of rushing water and the smell of nature flooding their senses. The night had turned colder, or so it seemed, and Louis pulled his hat further down on his head. He felt Harry’s hand make its way into his as they turned to follow the tour guide along the dark path.

“Time to turn your headlamps on guys. This path is about to get real dark when we get away from the artificial light, and it’s going to be covered in leaves and damn slippery. Find a buddy and keep tabs on each other. Don’t lag behind the rest of the group or deviate from the path. Let’s all stay safe and watch out for each other. Thanks.”

“Niall, I swear to God if you don’t stop trying to hold my hand, I will throw you over the waterfall myself.”

“He said to find a buddy Liam!” Niall hissed, fear edging its way into his voice.

“Never again. Never a-fucking-gain.” Liam sighed but let Niall cling onto his arm like a sailor’s wife staring into a storm.

Harry and Louis laughed at the exchange; their hearts still warm from their morning in bed; absolutely nothing could make the day less than wonderful for them at this point. The noises of nature were getting louder and through a gap in the trees Louis could see a purplish light glowing. With every step the smell of running water grew stronger and he could feel the start of the spray landing on his skin. This was it; they were within spitting distance of the falls.

“So right now, we have the falls illuminated so you can all take some pictures, selfies, whatever you like. We’ll leave some time for that, and then we’ll turn out all the lights and show you the stars. There are limited telescopes, so we ask that you respectfully wait your turn and make sure that you’re not pushing and shoving to get to the front. You will get a turn regardless. Someone gets shoved into the water and by the time we get the lights up, you’re probably a goner.”

“Well, he’s a ray of sunshine and positivity, isn’t he?” Niall leaned forward to whisper in Louis’ ear but never once let go of Liam’s arm. “Thought this was meant to be a life-changing experience, not a death sentence!”

“It’s okay Niall, we’ll make sure you get back to campsite safe and sound,” Louis giggled, moving with the natural pulse of the crowd.

And then he was there, in front of the falls in all their glory. A strangled sob exploded out of him, his hand shooting up to cover his mouth. They were magnificent, like nothing he had ever experienced in his life. Harry pulled him round in front of him, dragging him back until they were leaning against each other. Warm arms wrapped over his shoulders, hands clasped together with his own and resting on his stomach. He could feel Harry’s warm breath next to his ear and the butterflies that danced in his stomach fluttered harder than ever before. He hadn’t anticipated exactly how it would make him feel to stand in front of something so grand, so intricately beautiful. The craggy rocks dipped in and out with no obvious pattern, some of them branching off and causing mini waterfalls within the main attraction. They glistened and sparkled under the coloured lights, water bouncing back and plinking into the river below. It was a sensory experience like no other; the sound of the water, the chill of the breeze, the icy spray crashing onto their skin, the lights that changed colour every other minute. And the warm body against his own, radiating love.

“Worth the trip baby?” Harry whispered.

“Every single minute,” Louis gasped, still dangerously close to crying. They manoeuvred around, Louis stretching his arm out as far as it would go to get a goofy selfie of them grinning in their headlamps, the falls as their beautiful backdrop. They snapped multiple quick shots, making the most of every minute of their allotted selfie slot. When Liam and Niall crowded into the frame Louis thought his heart would burst; the disastrous journey didn’t matter, Niall’s peeping Tom act was forgotten, Liam’s boxer short meltdown a thing of the past. This was the best weekend Louis had had in such a long time, and he was floating in a bubble.

“Okay everyone if you can make your way over to the viewing platform, please, we’ll turn out the lights and get this star safari on the road!”

Louis’ stomach flipped; the moment had arrived. He couldn’t say why this was affecting him so profoundly; maybe it was being away from home, surrounded by his people and still glowing from his sexual rebirth the night before. Maybe it was because he had never felt so supported, so sure of what he wanted and so positive about his future. Maybe it was because he was right there in front of a marvel of nature, his blood pumping hot through his veins and his nose tingling in the cold. He was starting to wish he’d brought Cliff along to see this. His beautiful boy was more than happy having free range of the pod, Netflix playing Friend’s in the background and his bowl full of his favourite food. He’d be curled up on the bed by now, one ear pricked for the sound of approaching footsteps so he could jump down and play innocent. Louis knew that realistically it was too dangerous to bring him where he could get under people’s feet and he didn’t feel fully comfortable using the fact he was a service dog when actually, Louis felt completely safe and secure without him when the boys were by his side. But still, he would have loved it.

“Here we go Lou, the whole sky is about to shine just for you!” Harry wrapped himself around Louis again, joining in with the chanted countdown for light’s out.

Louis couldn’t speak, he was frozen in awe. Suddenly his world went black, his eyes struggling to adjust to the sudden blackness. His stomach jumped in panic, and he felt Harry move closer to his stiffening body. He relaxed almost instantly, grounded into the moment by the weight of human contact. Everything was slowly coming back into focus and- wow! The black velvet sky was alight with tiny, twinkling pinpricks. The way they clustered was poetic, a rush of light that existed lightyears ago paraded in front of their very eyes, forming shapes and constellations that they would all forget the minute they left but swear that they remembered forever. But this feeling, that would fade from their memories. Louis had never felt so insignificant as he did right now, staring up at a sky that happened completely by accident but was somehow still the most amazing thing he had ever seen. Is this what streetlamps were robbing the world of? The beauty of infinite galaxies, of time and space stretching on until the end of time. He could barely hear the voice of their tour guide; it had become background noise to them all. Each one of the men stood with their heads slung back, their mouths wide open. Liam was clinging onto Niall just as hard now, the enormity of what they were seeing washing away the tension of that morning. They were a team, a tribe, a tiny little community. They had made such an impact on Louis’ life that he could barely remember what it had been like without them. And that was something truly special.

Notes:

I hope it was okay for everyone! I know I need to start wrapping this bad boy up otherwise I'll keep going forever and never say goodbye to these characters. I'm undecided with how I want to do it; do I finish off the bucket list and then have an epilogue? Or do I make the next chapter the last and then weave the other bits into an epilogue? Let me know what you think please!

Also, High Force, the campsite and Star Safaris are all completely real, and yes, they were in a documentary. I have taken some educated guessing and artistic license to make it work. Although I don't live far from the falls and the surrounding area I still haven't managed to make it to Star Safaris. But yeah, check it out! Its so beautiful!

Chapter 21: I Put A Spell On You

Summary:

Harry and Louis throw a Halloween party at Canyon Moon. Niall has a crush. Louis discovers a whole new side of himself....

Notes:

This chapter is for my unhinged friend "Patricia"... you know who you are and I know what you are MUHAHAHAHA

Thank you all for being so patient! This chapter took on a whole other life of it's own and actually turned out pretty well (I hope!). Just a heads up... there's a lot of smut at the end. Intense smut. It's another part of Louis' journey and I've tried to make it as realistic as possible. I hope you enjoy!

Music for this chapter:

Everything's Electric- Liam Gallagher
Amsterdam- Nothing But Thieves
Crystal- Stevie Nicks
Billie Jean- Michael Jackson
Do I Wanna Know- Arctic Monkeys
Thriller- Michael Jackson
Would I Lie To You- Charles and Eddy
I Put A Spell On You- Annie Lennox
I See Red- Everybody Loves An Outlaw
Take Me To Church- Hozier
Grapejuice- Harry Styles

Time seemed to slip through their fingers over the coming weeks. When they returned from their camping trip, Harry decided he needed to go back to work, he'd barely seen the inside of Canyon Moon for weeks. Louis doubled down on working through the tasks his therapist had given him that he’d cast aside as useless but now, they had a purpose. Since he’d decided that life was for living, he felt an overwhelming urge to get all his ducks in a line. He wanted to be the very best version of himself; although partially for Harry, he found he wanted to get better for himself so he could go out there and grab the life he deserved with both hands.

October was in full swing; the leaves had turned shades of russet and ochre, drying out and falling to the pavement to be crunched under sturdy winter boots. The air held promise, a crisp coolness that reminded them all that it was time for the thick duvet to be unpacked from the cupboard and left beer gardens largely abandoned. It was Louis’ favourite time of year. He loved the cuddly clothes and multiple layers, he loved fluffy socks and mulled wine in front of the fire, he loved curling up under blankets with a good book and the sound of the heating ticking over in the background.

That morning Louis had dragged himself out of bed at an ungodly hour to accompany Harry to Canyon Moon. He’d promised that he would help get the coffee shop ready for spooky season but when the alarm screeched at 3.30am, the regret had been instant. How did Harry do this every day?! His body was leaden, sleep hanging heavy in his bones, and it took an immense amount of effort to stop his eyes from closing as he stood under the warm shower stream. Despite being out of a solid routine for weeks, Harry had bounced right back into early starts. When he slipped into the shower behind Louis, he immediately used his own body to prop the smaller man up. He had lathered his hair, deft fingers massaging shampoo into Louis' scalp and sending waves of comfortable pleasure through him. Louis had discovered just how much he loved being pampered and cared for; used to being the one who made the sacrifices and pleased his partner, having someone like Harry who wanted to treat him like a King was refreshing. He’d always assumed he’d hate to be someone’s baby, but he’d settled right into his role and had never been more grateful for the attention than he was this morning. Harry soaped his hands and ran them over Louis’ body, reaching into every nook and cranny and making sure he touched every inch of his boyfriend.

“Is this waking you up baby?” Harry purred into Louis’ ear, pulling him close to his chest and massaging the suds into the delicate skin above the curve of his arse.

“Mmmm, not really H. It feels so good, I just want to curl up with you under the duvet and stay there all day.” Without opening his eyes, he threaded his arms around Harry’s neck, attaching his mouth to his throat and sucking gently.

“Well, someone’s awake...” Harry’s words trailed off; his hand slid down between them and wrapped around Louis, eliciting a harsh gasp from the back of his throat.

He started to stroke gently, moving his hand up and down, slowly and deliberately. Sleepy Louis was his favourite kind, always so needy and affectionate, always so easy to please. This morning was no different, he was like putty, falling forward into Harry’s arms and whining into his shoulder. He could feel his own cock filling at the sight of his beautiful boy so lost in the moment and hungry for his touch. He coaxed a quiet climax from Louis within minutes; soft gasps and murmurs between pressed lips, a gentle bite to his chest and buckling knees. Even times like this were intense; Harry was overwhelmed with a sudden rush of love, with the need to wrap himself around Louis and keep him safe forever. He pulled back to soak in every detail of his face and swallowed the thick lump that bulged in the back of his throat. Without a second thought he dropped his head and peppered kisses over Louis’ closed eyes, across his cheekbones and up the bridge of his nose. His mouth stilled on Louis’ forehead, his own eyes falling closed as their bodies swayed together in a silent dance.

“Promise me we’ll never fade away H,” Louis pleaded, his voice soft and low from somewhere below Harry’s chin.

Harry rested his head onto Louis’, one hand cupping his jaw. “We’re going to burn forever Lou, just you wait and see.”

 

♥

 

They had been at Canyon Moon for a little over four hours, the steady stream of morning regulars spilling through the doors to collect their breakfast orders. Everyone was delighted to see Harry back, almost all of them commenting on how well he looked, how bright his eyes were, how wide his smile was. And every time, Harry gestured over to Louis with his head, telling anyone that would listen that the handsome stranger in the corner was the reason for his happiness. Louis beamed with pride from his position on the leather sofa at the back of the dining area. He’d pulled a blue and green crotched blanket over his lap, his legs curled beneath him as he sipped at a latte and read the book he’d been holding onto for months.

“You two are vomit-inducing, you know that right?” Niall slammed down into the chair opposite Louis with a groan. “It’s hard to grill sausages and bacon when you can’t stop gagging.”

“Shut your face Nialler, we’re in love!” Louis threaded his finger into his book and held it closed; there was absolutely no point in trying to read while Niall was on his break.

“You’re telling me, I keep waiting for you bursting into song with a couple of bluebirds at any given moment.”

Louis honked out a raucous laugh, Niall’s face was an absolute picture of disgust. “No one in the pipeline for you yet? I can find someone to set you up with, if you like? What about that pretty girl that comes in for her lunch every day?”

A deep blush settled over Niall’s face, the sure sign that he was crushing hard. “Kacie? Don’t be daft, she’s well out of my league, don’t want to embarrass myself.”

“No one is out of your league Niall. You’re just as good as anyone else. Don’t forget that!” Louis felt a protective flare in his heart, he hated any of his boys thinking badly of themselves. They deserved the entire world.

“She’s a solid ten Louis. Beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet... the whole package. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“Leave it with me Nialler, leave it with me!” Louis tipped Niall a wink and sniggered as his face contorted in horror.

“Louis, I’m begging, please don’t embarrass me!”

“I won’t, I swear. I’m just going to do a bit of subtle meddling.”

Louis’ eyes fell on Harry as he crossed the café towards them; the Autumn sun shone through the window and framed him from behind. His curls were springing free from his bun, a sure sign of their rush to get out of the door this morning after their long shower. The flour-dusted apron was pulled tight around his narrow waist, muscular shoulders bulging out from underneath the neck strap and straining against his t-shirt. But best of all was the smile, broad and beaming and aimed directly at Louis. He was carrying a tray of coffees, the first rush officially over and the noise deadening to a low hum.

“What are we talking about over here then?” Harry handed the drinks round the table before he sat down next to Louis, pulling his feet into his lap and rubbing his thumb up and down the socked soles.

“Getting Niall a girlfriend. I think he should try his luck with Kacie that comes in here, but he reckons he’s not good enough for her.” Louis flipped Niall off when he rolled his eyes.

“Kacie from the publishing place up the road? Yeah, you should go for that Niall! I saw her watching your arse this morning when you were making her coffee.”

Taken aback by his boss’ comment, Niall spluttered into his coffee, the dark liquid splashing the front of his apron and narrowly missing the pristine white t-shirt underneath.

“Jaysus. Are you trying to choke me or what?”

“Just saying! Give it a shot, what have you got to lose?”

“Dignity, self-respect, any sense of seductive mystery I might once have had?”

“Just give it a go, try to talk to her a bit more. Find out something about her. You don’t have to start trying to chat her up over the pasties, just show a little bit of interest.”

“Fine. But if it goes terribly wrong you owe me a night out!”

“You have a deal.” Harry pulled Louis under his arm and basked in the warmth. He knew that, between them, they’d have Niall and Kacie on a date in no time.

 

♥

 

They spent the afternoon stringing orange and purple lights around anything that would stay still. Garlands of autumn leaves coiled around the doorways and plastic; traditional pumpkins were clustered together in groups around the entire place. Harry wasn’t one for tacky and gaudy decorations and the overall effect was rustic and very aesthetically pleasing. Louis had started calling him ‘Pinterest Tits’ and purposefully putting decorations exactly where he knew they weren’t meant to be. He was enjoying being a brat, getting a sick pleasure from the way Harry’s face twisted with frustration every time he picked a pumpkin up from somewhere obscure. Still, Louis knew the limit, and as soon as the café was done, he left everything well alone. To anyone else, these were just decorations, but to Louis it was just another example of his boyfriend’s creative genius, and he was proud as punch.

“Window next.” Harry turned to speak to Louis, packing the leftover decorations back into the space saver box for next year. “I’ve got some stuff ordered for outside; a scarecrow and a wreath. I’ll get some pumpkins closer to the big day and we can carve them together. What do you think?”

“Hmm,” Louis answered distractedly. “Harry... why don’t we have a party? We don’t have to make it a public thing. Just invite friends and family, maybe some of your favourite regulars?”

“Regulars like Kacie you mean?” Harry raised his eyebrows at Louis, dashing over to him with a girlish excitement. “I like your style, Louis Tomlinson. I don’t think Niall’s attempt at getting to know her at lunchtime actually did him any favours. Did he seriously ask her if she liked bread?”

“He did. That was the whole question, ‘So, do you like bread?’ Absolutely no context or preamble, just straight in with the killer lines.”

“Poor Niall,” Harry laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Y’know, if he’s just out on the town and relaxed, he has women eating out of the palm of his hand. Then suddenly, when it means a bit more to him, he just totally loses it. He’s such a nerd.”

“I think it’s cute! But then again, I’m not on the receiving end of it. If some guy started chatting to me about bread, I’d think he was serial killer or something.”

“Let’s do this party, give the poor kid a chance.”

 

♥

 

The evening of the party had finally arrived; Canyon Moon was a warm glow of light in the dark night and in true spooky spirit, the fog had descended over the green, Louis’ flat almost invisible from just a few feet away. Harry had been a whole other level of frantic the last two weeks; he couldn’t bear the idea of throwing a less than perfect party and his Pinterest Tits persona had been in full go mode. Louis had tried his best to help, sending him pins and offering suggestions for the menu, but he’d stepped back graciously when he realised it wasn’t helping and was only making Harry more stressed as he tried to include Louis’ ideas, even the terrible ones.

They had spent the entire day over at the café decorating. Louis had thought that everything that they had done at the beginning of the month was enough, but Harry’s eyes had nearly popped out of his skull when he had suggested it was fine as it was. Apparently, they were ‘day decorations’ and although Louis had absolutely no idea what that meant, he wasn’t about to argue with him. It had been worth the stress and the frazzled 2am arguments, when Louis would try to coax Harry into sleep and have his head bitten off about how important this was.

Louis made his way across the grass, treading carefully through the damp blades. Clifford was trotting at his ankles, his first big social occasion without his working harness. He was just here to enjoy the pupcakes and mingle. Louis had fastened a set of bat wings to his back, gossamer thin with threads of purple and gold glitter weaved through them. Every so often, he would turn and snack at the edges when they entered his eyeline; he didn’t seem to mind them bobbing there as he walked but they had to remember their place or face the wrath of his snapping jaw. Harry had declined coming back to Louis' flat for a couple of hours to get ready, claiming that the boys were coming to help him with a few last-minute bits and pieces and that Liam would bring his costume so he could get changed there.

As he pushed the heavy, old door open he was hit with a blast of hot air. The music and the buzz of voices drowned out the delicate tinkle of the bell and Louis had to swallow a gasp when he realised just how many people had already shown up. Clifford leaned into his legs, his night out meaning nothing as soon as he sensed Louis’ rising anxiety, and they weaved their way into the crowd slowly. He took the opportunity to look around, a fond smile softening his lips as he took in all their hard work. It was all Harry really; he’d just stapled and pinned exactly as he had been told and the finished effect was extremely special. They wanted spooky and atmospheric without being tacky and that was exactly what Harry had achieved. Clusters of ghosts hung sporadically from the ceiling, their hand drawn faces wailing as they swayed in time to the music. Every surface had a flickering brass lantern at its centre, thick white candles burning inside and fake cobwebs flying away from them in thick strings. At one table, two full-sized anatomy skeletons sat having a drink, gold plastic goblets taped to their hands and raised in a half salute to one another. Harry had spent a good three hours up the ladders earlier, arms raised above his head until they cramped, draping fairy light nets from corner to corner of the ceiling to make a canopy. Louis had massaged the knots out of his aching shoulders, circling his joints to ease the cramps, but his pain had been forgotten when he pulled out the remote control and set the lights to purple and orange. It was perfect, and now it gave the whole room an eerie glow.

“Holy fucking shit, H is going to lose his mind when he sees you!” Ed appeared from seemingly out of nowhere, making Louis jump back in shock. He’d gone for the classic Zombie, his hair knotted and twisted into obscurity and talc dusted all over it to make it look grey? Dusty? Cobwebby? Louis wasn’t sure which.

“Ed, you frightened the living shit out of me!” Louis punched him playfully on the arm and took a step back to look at the entire outfit. “You look amazing! Did you make all of this yourself?” Louis fingered the tattered sleeves of his plaid shirt, leaning to the side to take in the whole costume. “The make-up is incredible!”

“I can’t take all the credit, erm... oh right on time!” A pretty blonde sidled up to Ed, slipping under his arm like she’d been there all his life. She was small and curvaceous, a perfect fit to the curves of Ed’s body. They were like puzzle pieces, perfectly aligned. “Louis, this is Fearne! We met a couple of months ago when I was busking.” Ed’s face softened into a coy smile, his eyes casting down to his girlfriend.

“You sly dog! You kept that one out of the group chat,” Louis laughed, mockingly offended. “Hiya love, I’m Louis. Amazing to have you here.”

“It is so great to finally meet you! I am obsessed with your's and Harry’s love story!” Fearne pushed forward into Louis’ arms, wrapping herself around him in a warm hug. She kept her face turned away, avoiding his costume with her heavy make-up. “Sorry for stealing him away from you guys, we decided to just take a few weeks to get to know each other with no distractions and no one else’s opinions, right Eddy?”

Ed blushed at the pet name, but his smile never faltered. “We did. Best decision I’ve ever made.”

“Well, you look happy enough! Regular sex will do that for you.” Louis winked, enjoying every minute of Ed’s blush trying to fight its way through the white face paint. “So Fearne, you’re the dab hand with the make-up brush then?” Louis directed his attention to the floor where the woman had dropped to her knees and was fussing Clifford like he was an overgrown puppy.

“Oh, that’s me!” Fearne giggled, jumping to her feet and making eye contact with Louis. “Yes, yes for my sins. I’m a make-up artist for the BBC. Nothing too exciting, still just starting out really.”

“Oh wow, you officially have the coolest job out of all of us!” Louis’ interest was piqued, his younger sister was mad about make up and beauty, this could be a way in for her if Ed played his cards right and kept Fearne happy.

“Hey, speak for yourself Tomlinson!” Nick appeared from nowhere, trussed up in what Louis assumed was a yassified Frankenstein outfit.

“Ah Nicholas, the pain in my arse, the apple of my eye.” Louis air-kissed Nick and held him at arm's length to take in the costume. “Lederhosen? And rhinestones? Nick it’s Halloween, not Ho-aween.”

“Bitch. Where’s that man of yours anyway? Haven’t seen him for ages and he’s meant to be keeping my glass filled.”

Louis cast his eyes around the full room to find Harry. He was dying to see what his costume was, he’d been guarding it since they first decided to have a party and Louis was positively bursting with excitement. It must be something special if he wasn’t allowed to know.

“I don’t know, I’ve only just arrived. He’s probably in the kitchen fussing over the food.”

“Well, you let him know that the DJ is dying of thirst! And a plate of food wouldn’t go amiss either!” Nick shouted over his shoulder as he coursed through the crowd to get back to his booth in the corner.

“Shall we find everyone else?” Louis suggested, wrinkling his nose as the PDA in front of him kicked up a notch. “No... you’re busy... I’m in the way... okay I’ll just go and fuck myself.” Louis shook his head good-naturedly and pressed even further into the throng of people to find the rest of the guys. Amazing to think that less than a year ago he wouldn’t have even got through the door, and now, here he was mingling with the best of them and excited to talk to everyone. The power of love indeed.

 

♥

 

Harry pushed his way out of the kitchen backside first, another tray of themed food still steaming from the oven in his hands. The blonde nylon wig was itching his forehead, the wig cap underneath chafing his neck, but it would all be worth just to see Louis’ reaction to his costume. It had been Niall’s stroke of genius, and what had started as a bit of a joke had quickly spiralled. It often happened like that with Harry, he couldn’t leave an idea alone once he got it between his teeth. The room was pulsing with bodies, the small café made fifty people feel like 500 and Harry strained his neck to catch sight of Louis. It didn’t help that there were masks and make-up everywhere, especially when he had no idea what he was coming as.

He finally reached the food table, his arms aching from holding the heavy tray above his head as he worked through the crowd. This was the latest batch of Mummy’s Fingers; sausage rolls with twists of pastry to look like bandages and olives chopped to look like jagged fingernails. Niall was behind the table, reorganising all the plates and rotating the food to get rid of the older stuff faster. Old habits die hard when you’re used to stock rotation in the food industry.

“Not avoiding Kacie are we Niall?” Harry raised his eyebrows at his friend, knowing full well that that was exactly what he was doing.

“I asked her if she liked bread Harry.”

“And she still came to the party. Alone. Not even a friend to save her from the psychotic baker. That’s got to be a good sign!”

Niall looked across the room where Kacie was talking to Gary the builder, another of their regulars who was usually in at the same time most mornings. She had come dressed as Cleopatra; her grey eyes looked almost lilac beneath the heavy eyeliner and every one of her curves were accentuated in the fitted costume. Harry chuckled as Niall let out a low, whining groan.

“If Gary lays a finger on her I’ll spit in his coffee for the rest of the year,” Niall faux seethed, unable to peel his eyes away from them.

“I’m pretty sure that’s Gary’s wife stood on the other side of her Niall; I think you’re safe.” Harry couldn’t help but laugh, Niall’s possessive side was always amusing. Especially when he didn’t have it in him to be mean to anyone; even if Gary miraculously made Kacie his mistress, Niall would be his usual pleasant self every day.

“They might be into that H! You never can tell nowadays. I watched this documentary on Netflix and ...”

“Just go and talk to her Niall.”

Harry turned away from the table, shaking his head at his friend when he felt the heat of someone’s gaze stirring the hairs on the back of his neck. Louis. He spun around wildly, his eyes trying to recognise his boyfriend in a sea of goblin and ghouls.

“Fuck. Me. Sideways.” Harry’s mouth fell open, the sight of Louis rendering him immobile. Partygoers were pushing past him, dragging his body this way and that, but he was enchanted, nothing else but Louis in his world.

Nick started up Billie Jean, the beat perfectly matching every languid step Louis was taking across the floor on his way to Harry. Those eyes, the one’s that had captured Harry’s heart from the very first look, were narrowed seductively, subtle black eyeliner accentuating the almond slant. His skin was pale and dusty, his cheekbones sharp enough to draw blood under dark contour. And good God, the lips. Painted a dark raspberry, the lower lip nipped between Louis’ teeth as he fought against a smile. A dried dribble of fake blood trailed down his chin and Harry wanted to lick it off, he wanted to run his tongue over every inch of Louis in front of all these people, zero cares for whoever saw him devouring his man in public.

“Well good evening, good sir,” Louis purred, his hands grabbing onto Harry’s biceps as he looked him up and down. “As sexy as you look in that tux, you’re going to have to help me out with this costume though. Who are you?”

“No way are we moving on from THIS that quickly,” Harry gestured up and down Louis’ body, lust plucking at his insides with an increasing ferocity. “Look at you!”

“I match your window this month, Interview With The Vampire. Anne Rice will be quietly fuming somewhere at the liberties taken.” Louis smiled, the subtle pointy teeth caps popping out at the corners of his mouth. Harry groaned, his head dropping onto his chest while he fought the internal battle of bending Louis over the nearest table right there and then.

“You look amazing in my jacket.” Harry ran a hand over the black and gold military jacket he’d worn for their night out with Jay. Louis had added black lace cuffs that hung down over the back of his hands like spooky sweater paws. He had paired it with a high-necked black shirt and tight black trousers with a subtle fleur-de-lis pattern running through them.

“I haven’t sewn any of this lace on, it's all just elasticated underneath...”

“I couldn’t care less when you look like that. Your hair...fuck!” Harry lifted a hand and let his fingers tease through the loose tendril that laid across Louis’ forehead. He had let it grow recently, the ends sitting just above his shoulders. The rest was slicked back high off his head, the male equivalent of a beehive. The ends kissed his collar in a twisted ducktail at his nape, his neck fully exposed and crying out for Harry’s mouth on it. “How am I supposed to make it through this party when I have my own Louis De Pointe Du Lac in my sights?”

Louis pressed himself against Harry and leant into his ear. “Keeping talking to me with that French accent and I will take you into your office and make you cum so hard you’ll go temporarily blind.” He bit down gently on Harry’s ear lobe and lingered before he pulled away. Watching Harry shuffle to try and hide his growing erection had to be one of Louis’ most favourite things in the world. “So, Harold, talk me through your costume,” Louis continued, his voice back to normal and the playful expression on his face giving nothing away.

“I’m Drew, from The Proposal.” Harry smiled, leaving it a minute for it to sink in exactly what he was saying.

“You’re Drew?” Louis was confused, his brain realising there was something he wasn’t quite getting, but not able to join the dots. “Drew from The Proposal... Why are you smiling at me like that...Drew...Drew...Drew... OH MY GOD YOU’RE RYAN REYNOLDS!”

“Here and ready for snogging whenever Sir requires.” Harry spread his arms and thrust his body forward slightly, displaying himself for Louis. He had that soft grin that made him look like an adorable frog, the blonde wig sliding slightly too far forward and swallowing up his forehead.

Louis didn’t waste a moment, launching himself into Harry’s arms and pressing their mouths together. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve someone so perfect, but he would never get tired of thanking his lucky stars for him.

 

♥

 

“What is he doing now?”

“Is that.... dancing?!”

“Oh God, why is he doing that move, the dice died in the early 2000's. Get it together mate, come on!”

“He’s hopeless. There’s no coming back from that.”

“Should one of us go over and help him up?”

 

The night was deepening, the tealights in the pumpkins outside burnt down to almost nothing. The café windows were steamed with body heat, condensation running in rivers and blurring the view of the world. It made the whole party feel otherworldly, like they were in their own universe and separated from reality. Around them groups of people mingled, café regulars mingling with friends and family, forging new connections that would probably be forgotten in a hangover haze the next morning.

After a few Jolly Gin Rodger cocktails, Niall had finally decided he was brave enough to talk to Kacie. Naturally, the rest of the friendship group were huddled together on the sofas watching and passing judgement. His current method was to dance like an injured animal, limbs flailing in every direction, to a remix of Thriller. It had been going okay, at least until he’d attempted to jump in the air to click his heels together and ended up flat on his back on the floor. Kacie was polite enough to be crouched down next to him, but there was no way she’d get him up by herself.

“Give him a minute, he might fix it himself.” Aurelia sat nearby with Zayn’s fiancée, Sophie. They were clutching hands over the table, their faces fixed in embarrassed grimaces on Niall’s behalf. “Oh God, this is painful! Get up Nialler, we’re dying here.”

“How is he this fucking awkward?!” Sophie turned to shout at Zayn, disbelief carved into her features. Zayn shrugged his shoulders in reply, tears coursing down his cheeks from the belly laughing that had taken over him.

“Right, I’m back with more drinks. What did I miss?” Louis placed a tray of cocktails down in front of everyone and settled back onto Harry’s lap.

“Niall tried to dance,” Liam replied, leaning forward to help himself to a cocktail from the tray.

“And then he fell flat on his back,” Harry added, grinding up slightly into Louis’ bottom as he wriggled to get comfortable.

“And all of you rushed to his aid I see?” Louis looked around them all, eyes fixed on Niall and Kacie as they sipped from their drinks. “Unbelievable, you’re all dumbstruck.”

“Louis just keep watching, you’ll be the same in five minutes time,” Ed chimed in.

And he wasn’t far off wrong.

 

♥

 

Nick was starting to wind the party down, his own drunken sappiness evident as he swayed with each cheesy ballad that blared from the speakers. Most of the guests had made their excuses, pouring themselves into taxis to continue their night somewhere livelier, treating the city as a debauched masquerade ball while they searched for a one-night lover. Niall had made a miraculous recovery from his earlier clumsiness and was twirling Kacie around the dancefloor to 90’s classics.

“She’s just as unhinged as he is! Unbelievable!” Louis was completely enthralled with the couple, his eyes out on stalks. “DID SHE JUST DO A HIGH-KICK TO CHARLES AND EDDY?!”

Harry chuckled low in his throat and pulled Louis back into his lap. “Who would have thought there was a female version of Nialler out there, just waiting to be swept off her feet?”

“It feels criminal. They’re literally scatting to a 90’s classic... should we report this to someone?!”

Harry shot a look over to Nick at the DJ booth, tipping him a conspiratorial wink. He had been planning this part of the night since they first started pulling the party together, and finally, he was about to surprise Louis.

“Niall, get the fuck off the dancefloor you demented gibbon!” Nick shouted over the mic, drawing the attention of every person left in the room as Niall teddy bear rolled through spilt drinks and squashed cupcakes. “And for all you fuckers who are here milking the free drinks ‘til the last minute, please make some room and welcome Harry and Louis to the floor for the last dance at Canyon Moon.” Nick started off a speckled applause amongst the remaining guests, all of them confused by the sudden interruption.

“Jesus Christ Nick,” Harry muttered under his breath. “Louis, dance with me?”

Louis was shellshocked, one hand clasped to his chest but he smiled wide, his face soft. “Anywhere.”

The two men made their way across the floor, fingers entwined as they weaved between chairs and tables to take their position. Liam hit the lights, the room growing dark save for the twinkling fairy lights and the flickering of church candles in brass lanterns. A few of the rowdier guests let out high-pitched whoops and the opening bars of I Put A Spell On You started to play.

“Annie Lennox!” Louis cried, his arms wrapping around Harry’s neck like they’d been there all his life. “I love this song so much.”

“I know you do baby.” Harry pressed a kiss to the tip of Louis’ nose, drawing their bodies so close that they were almost treading on each other’s toes with every shuffle. “Another thing to tick off your list; you got to dress up, granted it’s fancy dress rather than just fancy, and dance with a man that I hope you find handsome.”

“Breath-taking actually,” Louis giggled.

“Breath-taking, right,” Harry laughed. “And...” He leaned forward, locking their mouths together in a slow, languid kiss. He cupped Louis’ cheek, putting everything into it, trying to pour all his love inside of Louis from his open mouth. “You just snogged Ryan Reynolds AGAIN. Now tell me I’m not the best boyfriend in the world for making the improbable possible.”

“I love you Hazza. I love you so Goddamn much that it hurts. Like a physical ache, right here.” Louis pressed a clenched fist into his diaphragm and brought their mouths together again. “Now let's get rid of all these hangers on so I can show you exactly how grateful I really am.”

 

♥

 

Louis dragged Harry into the office by his shirt, kissing him hungrily. As soon as the door closed behind them, he pushed his boyfriend hard against the solid wood, the trinkets on his shelves rattling with the force. The wig was long gone, a line of irritation from the cap still visible around Harry’s hairline, and his curls hung to his shoulders in slightly matted clumps. Louis wrapped them around his fingers, pulling hard as he bit down on Harry’s lower lip, drawing an animalistic moan from deep inside of him.

“Fuck, Louis.” Harry pushed back from the door, slamming them both into the desk. He scooped a hand under Louis’ bum and lifted him onto the scratched wood, dragging him right back into his body and pressing their chests together. “Couldn’t even wait to get me home, hmm?” His tongue flicked out onto Louis’ earlobe teasingly.

“The guys are lucky I waited until they finally left,” Louis panted, his hips bucking as he searched for friction. His fingers fumbled at Harry’s shirt, pulling buttons loose in his urgency to get his hands on bare skin. “Let’s just hope Margie got home safe...”

“Please don’t talk about Margie right now. I remember you promising temporary blindness and I want to cash in.” Harry shrugged the torn shirt from his shoulders and dropped his hands to his belt. The buckle snapped loudly, and Louis let out a groan.

Fevered hands tugged at trousers and pants; Harry’s prized jacket thrown in a heap on the floor. Neither of them wanted to break apart and their lips swelled with frantic kisses and delicate bites as they undressed each other. Their skin sheened with sweat, anticipation fluttering at the back of their throats. Harry lifted one knee onto the high desk and leaned onto Louis, pressing him down against the cold surface and bringing his other leg up. They rolled their hips together, Harry’s straddle giving them the perfect angle to grind against each other. The air was filled with gasps and whines, quaking moans and shuddering yelps.

“Louis? Can I suck your dick? Please let me taste you!” Harry panted, his muscly arms propping him up over Louis.

“Please, God yes.”

As Harry slid down his body, tongue flicking over naked flesh, Louis threw his arms over his eyes and lost himself in the euphoria. Every harsh breath that stuttered from his lungs pulled his stomach in, his abdomen concaving with the effort to control himself. Every lick was ecstasy, the cool metal of Harry’s necklace dragging over his hot skin. The man was feral, moaning and slurping over Louis’ skin, mouthing his way down his torso as quickly as he possibly could. There was no teasing, no edging, not tonight. His hot mouth closed around Louis’ cock and slid down until it bobbed at the back of his throat. His tongue lathed against the underside vein and Louis cried out, his hands flying to Harry’s head and his hips bucking up to try and own even more of his boyfriend’s mouth. He couldn’t ever get deep enough inside of Harry, couldn’t ever get enough of his sinful lips as they worked up and down his shaft. Louis was lost in the pleasure, sensation surging through him and setting his body on fire. He was unhinged, bucking wildly and pushing down on Harry’s head, guttural moans forcing their way out of him like he’d never been touched.

“I want to fuck your face Harry, tap my leg if I can fuck your face,” Louis hissed, his voice breaking as felt himself hit the back of Harry’s throat again and again. Harry whined, his fingers tapping Louis’ thigh furiously as he slid off the desk and to his knees, never missing a stroke. “Good boy, good fucking boy.” He couldn’t explain where this dominance was coming from, but he felt alive. He felt powerful. Following Harry’s mouth, Louis perched on the edge of desk, one arm curled behind him for leverage and the other still knotted in Harry’s curls. He cried out again when Harry gagged and then quickly slurped at the excess saliva that trickled down his throat. Louis rolled his body, the moonlight from the window behind casting shadows over his abs and illuminating his boyfriend where he gobbled hungrily at his cock.

“You need to stop Harry.” He was trapped between the desk and Harry’s hands, his fingers splayed over Louis’ hipbones and sinking into the flesh of his hips with every thrust. “Stop. Now!” Louis tugged hard on Harry’s hair when he didn’t immediately stop, his head dropping back and exposing his throat.

“I’m so sorry Louis, I was carried away and...” There was panic written all over Harry’s face, his first thought obviously that he had tested Louis’ limits. He was nervous... and that was doing something for Louis. Something new and exciting.

“Ah ah ah, no excuses now. On your feet.” Louis stood, leaving his hand in Harry’s hair and pulling as he wobbled to standing. It was a stretch to keep hold, but he wouldn’t have to tiptoe for long. “Lie on the desk, on your back. Knees up to your chest.” Louis’ cock was hard and heavy between his legs, Harry’s spit still drying on his length. He was throbbing, the fire blazing in his gut as he fought every urge he had to pull himself over the edge.

Harry’s eyes sparkled with excitement when he looked at Louis, disbelief clouding his vision for a split second before he dropped his head. “Yes sir.” The low tone of his voice went straight to Louis’ dick, his balls tightening as lust tugged at the base of his spine.

“Wow, you look beautiful.” Louis peppered kisses over Harry’s knees and down the front of his shins. “I can’t believe you’re being so good for me, baby.” He carried on kissing downwards, his hands finding the back of Harry’s thighs and pushing his legs even tighter to his chest. “Now don’t you dare fucking move. Or I’ll stop and we’ll go home, and you will not be allowed to cum tonight. Okay?”

“Yes sir,” Harry answered again, his eyes never raising. Louis felt that twist in his gut again, his whole body tingling with desire.

“Do you want me to fuck you, Harry? Do you want my dick inside of you?” Louis started to trace patterns on the back of Harry’s thighs with the tip of his finger, stopping every now and again to tug on the downy hairs.

“Yes! I mean, please.”

“Well then, I need to get you ready for me, don’t I? I want you open and wet for me.”

“Yes please,” Harry gasped, his head dropping back until it was flat on the desk, his eyes pinned on the ceiling.

Louis traced with his finger, teasing up and down Harry’s crack and marvelling at the goosebumps that were springing up all over his body. He did that, he made Harry feel so good that even his skin was reacting to the most delicate of touch. There was a beauty in being in control; he wasn’t ready for anything too out there, but he could make his baby feel good and he was more than capable of taking control. He was back; Louis William Tomlinson live and in London.

“If you want me to stop at any time Harry, just shout out “kiwi”, okay?”

“Kiw....yes sir.” Harry swallowed back a laugh, and Louis smiled to himself. Even when they were roleplaying, that giggle could melt his heart.

“You better not be laughing at me?”

“No sir, I would never.”

“I’m going to eat you out. Do not touch yourself, do you hear me?”

“Yes sir, I promise.” Harry was shaking, the thrill of submitting taking over his body and sending adrenaline coursing through him. Things were about to get really fucking good.

Louis dropped to his knees in one fluid motion, his head level with Harry’s spread cheeks. One look at Harry’s hole, the slightest tremor of anticipation making it pucker, and suddenly he was starving. He reached between his legs, letting his hand glide over his erection once, twice. That was enough, he didn’t want to finish all over the carpet when Harry was right in front of him. Using two fingers, he spread Harry even further open and blew cold air over his arsehole. He heard his boyfriend whine, watched as the fingers gripping his knees tightened and his knuckles turned white. Louis snaked his tongue over Harry’s perineum, dragging up to his rim and flattening it for maximum impact. It worked. Harry shot a couple of inches up the table, a screaming moan flying out of him.

“I can see I’m going to have hold you down Harry.” Louis uttered, low and guttural. He sank his fingers into the outside of Harry’s thighs and dragged him back, holding tight as he began shamelessly lapping at his hole again. He was like a man possessed, showing no mercy and pressing down hard with each roll of his tongue. Harry’s cock was hard where it rested on his stomach, precum dripping steadily and forming a sticky pool under the head. Louis ran his finger through it, smiling when Harry raised his head to watch, and quickly sucked his finger between his lips. It had the desired effect, Harry groaned, and his head dropped back again, his breathing quickening.

“Lube Harry?” Louis questioned. His boyfriend reached over his head and pulled the top drawer of his desk open. He fumbled for the bottle of lube that he’d put there for a rainy day and rolled it over the desk straight into Louis’ waiting hand.

“Lube at work. You’re a really naughty boy. Tell me why it’s there.” Louis slicked up his fingers as he talked, his cock hanging heavy between his legs and pulsing with excitement.

“I... I keep it there for when I’m working late... OH FUCK, SWEET JESUS, FUCK!” Harry’s back arched off the table in pleasure when Louis pushed his index finger inside of him, slowly sliding in and out.

“Keep talking Harry, tell me what you do when you’re working late.”

“I finger myself on my desk, tease myself. Open myself up.”

“So fucking filthy. Go on,” Louis knew his excitement was obvious, his voice patchy and breathless.

“I think about you. I think about how you taste; I think about how tight you feel around my cock. I think about how you moan my name and bite my shoulder when I make you cum. And I finger myself, hard until I can’t take anymore.”

“Jesus Harry, you drive me fucking wild.” Louis slipped another finger inside of Harry, crooking his fingers to stroke his walls in search of his prostate. He scissored his fingers, rotating his wrist with every plunge of his fingers. Harry was coming undone; his hair was plastered to his head with sweat, his eyes screwed closed and his breath coming in wheezes and pants. Every second of watching Harry writhe on his fingers was pushing Louis further into his obsession with seeing him fall apart. His arm cramped as he sped up the thrusts from that same awkward angle, beads of sweat ran down his back and collected in the dimples at the base of his spine and he grunted with an animal ferocity. It was wild, inhuman, raw.

“Fuck me Louis, I’m ready. Fuck me please.”

Harry begging. Jesus Christ he was begging. Louis’ cock throbbed again as he slowly withdrew his fingers. This beautiful, unruly angel of a man was desperate for him, how had this happened?

“On your front. Hold onto the edge of the desk, feet on the floor.”

Harry scrambled into position, his backside skidding slightly on the varnished wood from the lube smeared all over him. He flipped himself over, scraping his hair to one side and pressing his cheek into the wood. Louis stood behind him, taking him in. The muscles in his legs were flexed and taut, his backside perfectly pert with scattered red marks from Louis’ roving fingertips. His back was dappled in moonlight, the deep breaths flexing his shoulders where his arms stretched over the edge of the desk. Louis started to stroke himself with lube, biting down hard on his lip to fight the urge to pull himself over the edge and coat Harry’s skin with his climax. He stepped forward, knocking Harry’s legs apart with his own and settled in between them, lining himself up ready to press inside of his sweet spot.

Bending at the waist, Louis pressed his chest flush to Harry’s back and draped his arms over to entwine their hands. Harry was completely pinned to the table with Louis’ weight, his neck exposed and crying out to be bitten. Lowering his head, Louis sucked onto the soft flesh, biting gently to leave his mark on the unblemished canvas.

“I love it when you whine for me H. So ... fucking... hot,” Louis whispered in his ear. “I’m going to fuck you, and I want to hear you. I want you to scream for me. I want you to scream until your throat is raw.”

Harry had lost the capability to form words, a mesh of grunts and groans his only response. Louis ground his hips and he felt Harry begin to stretch around him just before he pulled back. He was teasing, dangling the carrot and snatching it away. He could feel Harry trying to hump against the desk, his dick desperate for attention after all the edging he had endured.

“You’re going to cum untouched for me Harry. I want to see you unravel baby.” As he spoke, Louis pushed inside of Harry, the velvety softness closing around him, hot and ready. “Oh...fuck.” It had been a long time since Louis had topped anyone; he had forgotten that feeling, the spiking pleasure of being engulfed in wet heat, of filling someone up and having them clench around you. It was glorious, inexplicable, unbearable and moreish. “Are you okay? Can I move?”

“Yes. Fuck yes!” Harry’s hands tightened under Louis’ as he gripped at the desk. Their bodies were still flush together, sweat sticking their skin like velcro.

Louis ground his hips, barely moving but buried deep inside. He knew that he had found that precious bundle of nerves inside of Harry as he bottomed out, the other man’s body going pliant beneath him, his muscles relaxing as he was pushed up and down the wood with a squeak of slick skin. His eyes were closed, his jaw slack. There was a string of drool running from his parted lips, gentle whimpering noises puffing out with every exhale. He was stunning, a sight for sore eyes.

Louis sped up, his hips pumping frantically. He wanted to be deeper inside of Harry, his groin already flat to Harry’s arse, nowhere else to go. But that didn’t sate his need, his primal urge to delve further inside. Peeling their skin apart with a faint sucking sound, Louis straightened up, his hand pressing on the back of Harry’s head as he fucked into him harder and faster. The heat was building at the base of his cock, licking up into his stomach where anticipation swirled. He wanted to make it last, wanted to stay here forever but he was past the point of no return and unable to stop. He pulled at Harry’s hair, lifting his head and shoulders off the table.

“Louis...I’m close...I’m really fucking close. Can I cum? Please can I cum?” Harry was begging again, the timbre of his voice slithering inside of Louis and fuelling the already raging inferno.

“You better scream my fucking name.” Louis leaned forward and bit down on Harry’s shoulder. It was his undoing.

“OH FUCK... OH GOD, FUCK, LOUIS, FUCK! LOUIS! LOUIS, OH FUCK!” Harry’s entire body stiffened and then started to spasm uncontrollably as he shot hot and hard over the desk. He tilted his body to one side, his hand reaching for his cock to pull himself through his orgasm.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Louis growled, letting go of Harry’s hair and using his body weight to press him back down and trap his hand against his now sensitive cock. Louis bellowed, an inhumane noise that echoed in every corner of the room. One final thrust and he fell apart, Harry’s muscles contracting around him and milking every drop of his orgasm out of him. It felt like it would never end, he was suspended in ecstasy, his mind a mess of static and fireworks.

Suddenly, the room was silent, both men coming down from their orgasms in a post-coital haze. Somehow, it felt like hours had gone by in seconds. Nothing felt like reality, yet they could feel every single thing all at once.

“Shit. That was amazing.” Harry uttered from beneath Louis.

“I don’t know where that came from.” Louis was in shock; he had never been dominant like that. Ever. Even before everything with Jack. He’d taken control on rare occasions, but he had never seen that side of himself. He pulled out of Harry gently, stroking his back as he winced and hissed air between his teeth. “It’s okay baby, I’ve got you.” He felt slightly sick, the pleasure that he had felt sitting heavy in the centre of his chest. He was afraid, what if this meant he was becoming a monster? Had he taken his rage out on Harry?

 

They slid to the floor, Louis propped against in the desk and Harry curled under his arm with his head over the thrumming heart that was trying it’s best to break through the skin. He reached behind them, pulling the throw from the armchair in front of them and bundling it around them both.

“Louis?” Harry waited a second. “Promise me we can do that again some time?”

And just like that, the worry was gone. Louis laughed and lowered his mouth to the top of Harry’s head. He still couldn’t help but stroke over his skin, not in lust, but in intimacy and delicacy. He knew in that moment, his concentration taken up with aftercare and soothing, that none of what he had just done came from a place of malice. He wanted Harry to feel good, to be taken care of, to enjoy every minute. And that was okay. It was good. It was progress.

Notes:

Only two more chapters and an epilogue to go! I'm so sad to be saying goodbye to these guys, but there is a possibility of a sequel if you guys want it after the final chapter! Hope you enjoyed this one

Chapter 22: Paint Me In The Sky

Summary:

Happy 28th everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful day celebrating!

Harry and Louis go to Doncaster for the firework display. Harry meets the Tomlinson's. Louis is confronted with his past.

This chapter is made up of lots of mini scenes of their weekend rather than pages and pages detailing everything. It seemed like the best way to do this one ♥

Notes:

Firstly, let me add a TRIGGER WARNING for minor violence, mental health, homophobia and sexual harassment.

This chapter was never going to go in this direction but once I had the idea I just knew I had to go with it. I really hope you guys understand why Louis needed the chance to face his past head on.

I haven't got any music for you this time, but if anyone has any suggestions for songs they feel fit, please let me know so I can add them to my playlist.

Thank you so much for the support. I love reading all your comments and messages. You can find me over on Twitter too @loudloudlove. I post updates there and share my unhinged Larry thoughts.

There had been a shift in Louis since the Halloween party, a quiet confidence that radiated from his pores and tinted the whole world in rose. Finding that side of himself, the side that could reduce Harry to a whimpering mess, had given him something new and exciting. It was an experience that was completely new for him and Harry, nothing and no one else had ever made their mark on it and it was refreshing. Louis knew that he wasn’t always going to be so dominant, he still loved being taken care of by Harry, of lying soft and plaint beneath him when they made love, being crushed to his chest and having his skin stroked gently when he came. Instead, he had an alter ego who would swoop in to surprise his boyfriend and leave them both breathless when they least expected it.

A loud crash from the kitchen startled him out of his thoughts, a cry of “FOR GOD’S SAKE NIALL!” drifting through the crack in the door.

“What’s going on in there love?” Margie asked from the next table over, her coffee half raised to her lips.

“I dread to think Gie, Niall is slightly preoccupied nowadays. Clumsier than ever.” He raised his own cup, taking a deep swallow of the lukewarm latte.

“That’ll be all the sex.” Margie sipped her drink nonchalantly while Louis spluttered and choked.

“MARGIE!” Louis laughed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “How do you know about Niall and his sex life, hmm?”

“Oh, it was obvious. Him and that girl saw me home after the party. I may be old but I’m not blind love.”

Before he could say anything else, Harry pushed out of the kitchen, his face a mask of disbelief as he struggled to untie his now filthy apron. He pulled it over his head, throwing it behind the counter where Liam stood looking confused, and plonked himself down next to Louis on their favourite sofa, automatically curling into his chest.

“Rough day?” Louis stroked the stray curls back from Harry’s forehead, planting a kiss on the warm crown where his bun was beginning to wilt.

“That man in there... he’s going to kill me Louis, I swear to God. He’s just tipped an entire bowl of donut batter onto the floor! THE WHOLE BATCH! It landed right at my feet so now I’m wearing half of it and I need to do it all again and all that gormless git could do was smile at me.” Harry lifted his legs straight in front of him, showing Louis the splatters up the front of his black jeans. “I might need to go to yours and get changed, not sure I can stand being like this all day in front of customers.”

“Margie was just saying it’s because of all the sex he’s getting.” Louis smirked at Harry, his boyfriend’s eyes widening and lips pursing as he snapped his neck round to look at the older woman.

“Excuse me, Margie. What was that?”

“Sex Harry,” Margie replied calmly, taking a bite of her shortbread. “Quite a lot of sex if his dreamy expression is anything to go by. He kissed my hand this morning when he gave me my change.”

“I’ll kill him.”

“Don’t do that, I seem to remember a certain someone spinning me round like an ice dancer when he fell in love.” Margie raised her eyebrows at Harry, her lips dusted with crumbs as they snaked into a smug smile.

“Fine. You got me with that one. Are you still okay with looking after Clifford this weekend my love?”

“Oh, for sure! Miss Flo and I can’t wait.” Margie sometimes brought her rough collie along to Canyon Moon for a pupcake and a run on the green. Flo and Clifford had become firm friends over the last few months, tails wagging and tongues lolling every time they saw each other. It had been a blessing, Louis and Margie banding together and taking it in turns to host play dates and outings for the two dogs. Now that Clifford was in the process of retiring, it would be great for him to have a weekend away from Louis where he could just be a dog and, if Louis knew Margie like he thought he did, getting spoiled rotten at every moment.

“You’re a star Margie!” Louis chimed in, his stomach swirling with excitement at the thought of the upcoming trip. “I’m always happy to return the favour, any time you need to sneak off with that secret boyfriend of yours for a dirty weekend.”

Margie cackled, the sound cracking through the café and attracting surprised glances. “Chance would be a fine thing. The closest I get to a dirty weekend is staying on my sister’s farm. Still, I appreciate the offer boys.”

“Can’t wait for you to show me the sights of Donny.” Harry whispered in Louis’ ear seductively. “Starting with your teenage bedroom.”

“Easy tiger.” Louis whispered back, giving Harry’s hair a gentle tug.

But the truth was, he couldn’t wait either. It had been a long time since he went home, and the trip felt bittersweet. He couldn’t wait to show Harry where he grew up, where he had his first kiss, where he had his first date with a boy, where he fell in love. He wanted to show him the Donny Dome, the field where he used to get drunk with his friends, his family home that was bursting at the seams but so full of love. He felt strong with Harry by his side; he would be kept safe and protected from the danger that could wait there for him. After Jack’s death, the Donny Boys had faltered, they had struggled to centre themselves with their leader gone and their main men in prison. They knew they had rats within the organisation, information that should have been taken to the grave was suddenly plastered across police reports and the recovery for them as a firm was rocky to say the least. Louis was the catalyst for all of this, his bravery in standing up for himself had caused shockwaves and they would always want revenge for their brothers who paid the price. And now, he was going back. Loud and proud with the love of his life on his arm.

 

♥

“Just... brace yourself, alright? It’s going to be loud and it’s going to be overwhelming.”

“Louis, they’re not feral animals. This is your family we’re talking about.”

“Yeah, well don’t bet on it.” Louis unclipped his seatbelt and opened the car door. He breathed deep and filled his lungs, the air just tasted better in Doncaster. His heart fluttered with nerves when he realised that he was back where it all began, but when Harry came around the car and threaded their fingers together, it settled back into its normal rhythm.

“Okay Lou?” Harry asked, his voice soft and low.

“Never better,” he smiled at his boyfriend, squeezing their hands together in reassurance. Although he wasn’t sure who needed it most. They walked up the gravel drive together, Harry’s eyes darting from side to side to take in every detail. The slightly wonky flower beds with a few too many weeds, discarded kid’s toys and a sun-faded plastic slide, his mum’s old banger and Lottie’s slightly newer Aygo behind it, complete with eyelashes on the headlights. Home. “You ready?” Louis paused with his fingers around the door handle, looking back at Harry over his shoulder.

“Open the door already!” Harry laughed, bouncing on his heels in excitement. He couldn’t wait to meet everyone, the stories and photos not satisfying his need to know every little thing about the Tomlinson clan.

Louis shoved the door, leaning into it out of muscle memory, remembering that the wood always swelled and stuck in the frame when the weather was damp. Harry even found that attractive, he was so whipped. The tarnished brass knocker clanked against the plate as they almost fell through the door.

The first thing to hit Harry was the heat; the radiator by the door was blaring out, the smell of relatively fresh paint mingling with the fabric softener that steamed from wet washing hung on a radiator rack to dry. There were too many pairs of shoes to count; tiny Vans with scuffed soles and grass stains, Crocs with a variety of badges, clunky platform trainers with hot pink laces, slippers and flipflops, all in one big pile. The coat rack was heaving, an array of colours and fabrics all jostled together, bags hung precariously over the top and ready to fall with the brush of an arm. The stairs were right there when you walked in, the hall walls and all the way up scattered with family photographs, children’s artwork and mementoes. Louis had mentioned that Jay was extremely sentimental about keepsakes, and he could see why. Watching this family grow bigger and the children growing up alongside Jay was mind-blowing. So many happy smiles, sticky fingers, sandy toes and tear-stained cheeks looked back at him, so much pride in something that Jay had created all for herself. He swallowed the lump in his throat, seeing a picture of Louis that couldn’t be more than five years old. He was reclining on the sofa, a Christmas hat askew on top of his head and all his siblings sitting in a row on top of him in age order, the youngest twins not yet born. All of them wearing matching Christmas jumpers and chunky socks, all of them sharing the same wide-mouthed smile. This Louis had had no idea what was in store for him or for his family, he’d been ripped away from inside himself, put into a little box in his own mind with no means of escape. Until now. Maybe this Christmas, the Tomlinson’s could have that brother back. The smiley one who loves cuddles and gives too many gifts. The silly one that gets drunk and sings Shania on karaoke and throws it down to Snoop Dogg. The sentimental one that tucks them into bed and kisses their noses.

“You’re here!” Jay appeared in the kitchen doorway, directly in front of the boys. She was still wearing her nurse’s tunic, her feet bare at the end of her black trousers. She had a baby on each hip and a wet patch across her front from leaning against the sink to wash up seemingly never-ending dishes. Her neat bun was failing, wisps of hair falling across her face and neck and her make-up was smudged beneath her eyes. But still, she was radiant. “KIDS, ASSEMBLE! YOU’RE BROTHER’S HERE WITH HARRY!” Jay leaned out of the kitchen to holler up the stairs.

“Here we go,” Louis uttered under his breath.

Harry could hear a rumbling, a strange sort of vibration in his head. The rumbling turned to thundering as four sets of feet pelted down the stairs, along the hall and straight into their brother’s arms. There was a swirl of blonde and brunette, four high-pitched voices asking questions at an alarming rate, perfume rising in the air and mixing with the smell of cooking and scented candles.

“ALRIGHT MAN, TIME OUT! LET ME BREATHE! I’M GAY Y’KNOW, THIS IS A HATE CRIME!” Louis shouted from inside the scrum, his hair in disarray and his cheeks flushed. But good God, that smile. It was devastating. Harry fell more in love with him every minute even when he thought he couldn’t possibly get any deeper.

Harry flicked his eyes to the toddlers on Jay’s hip. The little girl, Doris, was eyeing him up and down, her gaze stuck on his curls as they cascaded over his shoulders. Her pudgy little hand went out to touch and Harry leaned in to give her access. With one grab, she squealed and held both arms out for Harry to take her. He swung her onto his hip, blurting little raspberries on the end of her nose and making her giggle.

“Well, hello beautiful,” Harry whispered, loving the feel of tiny hands roaming over his face and squeezing his neck. “You’ve got curls, just like me. I think that makes us best friends.”

"Yup. My fend. Awww!" Doris snuggled into Harry, the smell of strawberries and crayons hitting him straight in his male ovaries, as he referred to them. He was so broody.

Jay watched from across the room, her heart melting at the sight of her two boys with all her girls. She shugged Ernie higher on her hip and turned the heat down on the pans of vegetables that would eventually go with the roast beef from the oven and her homemade gravy and Yorkshire puddings. A real family meal with all her kids. And that included Harry now too, he was an honorary Tomlinson.

 

♥

 

The evening had been a roaring success. Harry slotted straight in, no awkwardness or embarrassing moments involved. The older girls were obsessed with him; the mixture of dark and mysterious stranger, his affinity with their beauty products and clothes and the fact that he was the hero who’d revived their brothers spark for life made him untouchable. They had a track record of trying to outdo each other in who could make Louis’ past boyfriend’s the most uncomfortable, but this time they were doing the exact opposite. They had rallied round, bickering here and there about who would pass Harry the potatoes, who would clear his plate, who would get him another drink. Harry would try and argue his case, that he could get his own potatoes and that he “wasn’t even thirsty but thank you” but half the time they didn’t even hear him, too caught up in treating him like royalty. Louis was so proud; he had four beautiful young women on his hands and every one of them with the Tomlinson sass. His mother had raised them well.

They had all bundled up, heading out to the patio to sit around the fire pit and drink hot chocolates. Jay had turned on the floodlights and the twins were running round the garden, the bobbles on their hats bouncing in time to their steps. Around them, fireworks filled the skies and music travelled from various gardens along with the smell of barbequed food. The estate was alive with bonfire parties, the atmosphere seeming to close over every street like a dome of festivity.

“He’s a rare one Lou,” Lottie said before taking a sip of her wine. She was watching Harry chasing the twins, a too-small hat with ear flaps balanced on his head where Ernie had forced it down earlier. “He’s totally thrown himself into it. Genuinely as well, there’s no bullshit there.”

“I know, right? It’s kind of sexy watching him with the kids.” Daisy and Phoebe were sitting on the swings, feigning disinterest and scrolling their socials. The smiles that twitched their cheeks and made their eyes sparkle told a different story. That and the fact that they chose to sit down there in the cold and not toasting themselves round the fire and trying to steal sips of wine. “The twins know he’s gay right? I’m sure I’ve just seen them putting more lip gloss on when his back was turned.”

Louis, Jay and Lottie fell into peals of laughter, watching as the older twins preened when Harry turned his attention on them. He had a knack for knowing exactly when to divert his attention from one set of twins to the other, leaving no one out and spreading himself equally amongst them all.

“What am I missing out here? You can hear you three cackling in the front room,” Fizzy quipped, coming out from the kitchen with another bottle of wine and a pair of gloves for Jay.

“Just Phoebs and Daisy trying to turn the future Mr Tomlinson straight right under Louis’ nose.” Lottie held her hands out for the wine, topping her glass to the brim and offering it to Louis. "They're optimistic, you have to give them that."

"Good lord, was I that bold at fifteen?" Fizzy laughed when three pairs of eyes fell onto her disbelievingly. She had always been a handful who loved being the centre of attention. She was calming as she got older, but that naughty twinkle had never left. Out of all of his sisters, Fizzy was undoubtedly the one to watch.

"Oh Lottie, before I forget." Louis lifted his bottom off the chair and stuck his hand into his back pocket. "Here. Business card for you. It's Ed's new girlfriend, she's a make-up artist for the BBC. She said if you get in touch, she might be able to sort some work experience out for you. You can stay with me and Harry for a while if you want to. Or maybe stay in Harry's flat if he still has it, he's barely there anyway."

"Shit, thank you! Oh my God this is huge!" Lottie jumped out of her seat and into her brother's lap. "You are the best! EEEEEEEEKKK! I need to go and call Lou, tell her the good news."

Lottie ran into the house, closely followed by Fizzy. They were all so close, and even when they were fighting they wanted to be around each other all the time. They had grown up in such close quarters, the house back then half the size of this one now, that they didn't know how to function fully without each other. Even now they had their own space, more often than not they could be found in each other's bedrooms, talking about the same things they'd talked about 300 times before. It was pretty special.

He let his mind wander back to Lottie talking about Harry. Future Mr Tomlinson had a nice ring to it, although Louis had always anticipated them double barrelling. Tomlinson-Styles? Styles-Tomlinson? Maybe a mash-up would be better, the Stylinsons?

“Penny for them Boobear?” Jay was smiling knowingly at Louis, the goofy look on his face a dead giveaway to who he was thinking about.

“Nothing major mum, I was just thinking about what I'm doing for Christmas.”

 

♥

Both freshly showered and wrapped in the matching pyjamas Jay had shamelessly left on their bed, Harry and Louis slotted into the small double bed like puzzle pieces. It wasn’t even a question anymore that they would be spooning, their feet tangled together, and their hands clasped. Harry was in his little spoon era and Louis loved that his feet stopped somewhere around his muscular calves.

“We must look nauseating,” he chuckled in Harry’s ear. “If only the lads could see us now!”

“I happen to look very fetching in blue and green tartan, I'll have you know.” Harry was already sleepy, his voice thick with weariness as he relaxed into the embrace.

“We look like a couple of fucking pixies or something.”

“Your mum told me when we were washing up that they came with nightcaps, but she didn’t think we’d want them.”

“Is that a joke Harold?” Louis raised himself up and leaned over, trying to catch the tell-tale smile on Harry’s face. The boy couldn't lie to save his life, especially when he was trying to trick Louis.

“Gods honest. She said they were like Santa hats. White furry pompoms on the end and everything.”

“I’ll be having words, why would she think I wouldn’t want that? If I’m going to look a dick, then I’m going all out.”

Harry rolled over so that he was facing Louis and tilted his chin downwards into a delicate kiss. There was no urgency or haste, it was a kiss of full stomachs, of too much wine and of being warm in bed. They could take their time; there would be a lie in in the morning, bacon sandwiches, a day of board games and movies with the rest of the Tomlinson’s. And the bonfire, the main reason for their visit. Louis had gone on and on about the local firework display; he’d never seen anything so magnificent; he’d never seen a fire so large, never seen a fairground with so many rides. Harry had a funny feeling that good old nostalgia was playing a part in that, but he couldn’t resist the look of utter joy that came over Louis and the way his eyes sparkled. It seemed like the only logical idea was to come and judge it for himself, meet the in-laws and get in the holiday spirit before their trip to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. He just wanted to see that smile all the time, he wanted to watch Louis bubble over with excitement until he made the cute little huffy noises when he breathed. He wanted to watch that reignited fire burn behind his eyes and he wanted to see his future in it.

“Louis? I want it.” Harry whispered against Louis’ lips, their foreheads pressed together, and eyes closed.

“The hat? I mean I can go and ask my mum if you really can’t wait...” Louis pulled away and made to get out of bed, his face serious in his mission to give Harry everything he wanted.

“Get back into bed you clown!” Harry reached out and pulled him back by his wrist. “I love how determined you were though. That's my man, bringing me the goods.”

“My baby wants a Wee Willie Winkie cap, then he’s getting a Wee Willie Winkie cap!” Louis launched himself at Harry and swung his leg over him until he sat on his hips in a straddle. He leaned over, pinning Harry's wrists to the bed above his head; he started manically pressing butterfly kisses all over his face complete with energetic lip smacking and ‘mwah’ noises. “I would do anything for love, and I’ll definitely do that!”

“LOUIS! STOP THAT GODAWFUL CATAWAULING!” Lottie screamed from the room next door.

"She's obviously not a Meatloaf fan," Louis deadpanned, a snort slipping out of his nostrils and breaking his straight face.

They dissolved into fits of hysterical laughter, their bodies flopping together as they tried to smother their cackles in each other’s skin. Louis pulled the quilt over their heads, cocooning them under the duvet. The top few buttons of his pyjama shirt were open, his tattoos peeking out at Harry in the half light of their makeshift tent.

“God almighty, I love you so fucking much!” Harry wrapped Louis in his arms and squeezed him tight. “I don’t care if your eyes are bulging, your ribs are cracking and there’s bubbles coming out of your arse. I need to squeeze all my love into you!” Without warning, he rolled and covered Louis’ body with his own.

“That was smooth Styles. Sexy even.” Louis’ hands knotted at Harry’s nape and pulled hard to drag him into another deep kiss. “So, if you don’t want the cap, what do you want, hmm?”

“This. All of it. And you.”

“You want matching pyjamas and a bed that we barely fit in? You reach for those stars, H!”

“No, you dick. I want the house. The wedding rings. The kids. The chaos. I want roast dinners with kids fighting over who gets the biggest Yorkshire. I want a chore chart with star stickers and pocket money penalties. I want a huge garden covered in toys and bald patches where we skidded playing football. I want a kitchen with steamy windows and too much wine in the fridge. I want a coat rack so full it’s hanging off the wall. I want to fall in bed exhausted every night with you warming it up for me. I want to wake up cursing the alarm clock because I have to do the school run. I want family life.”

“It’s yours baby. It’s all yours.”

 

♥

 

“Mum, look at Harry! His face is green!”

Harry staggered down from the waltzer, his knees knocking together and hands shaking. Trying to be the “cool big brother” was backfiring tonight. He had been dragged on every ride at least twice so that each of the girls got the chance to share a carriage with him. For someone who really didn’t do rides, it was impressive. The smell of the food wagons wafted under his nostrils, and he felt his stomach leap into his mouth. He couldn’t vomit on a fairground; he could not vomit on a fairground in front of his boyfriend’s siblings.

Louis held out a hand to Harry and led him to one side away from the pulsing crowds. He was definitely the adrenaline junkie of the two of them, dragging his younger sisters to the biggest rides and playing mind games to hike their nerves. His mum called it cruel; he called it character building. Maybe making Phoebe and Daisy cry in the queue for the G-force ride wasn’t his finest hour but with every scream that came out of their mouths, their smiles got a little bigger.

“You okay H?” He held out a bottle of water, pulling it back quickly when Harry shook his head and closed his eyes.

“That guy was flirting with Lottie and...” Harry paused and fought back a violent retch. Louis leapt forward, panic in his eyes as he frantically looked around for something for Harry to puke into. “I’m good, I’m good. The carnival guy was flirting with Lottie, so he decided to stand behind our car the entire time just spinning and spinning it. I think I may have broken Fizzy’s fingers, you should check on her.”

Louis looked over to where his mum was looking at Fizzy’s hand, her laugh audible even over the fairground racket. “She’ll live. More than can be said for you.”

“I think I need to lay off the rides.”

“You mean you don’t want another go on the Twister?”

“Not in a month of fucking Sundays. I am officially retiring from my role as ride chaperone. My only job now is to win teddy bears for everyone at the game stalls.” Harry’s colour was slowly returning to his cheeks, and he lifted his hand to take the water bottle from Louis. “Shit, that was touch and go for a minute there, I really thought I was going throw up all over your shoes.”

"What about the Ferris wheel? Even you can handle that one." Louis continued to tease.

"Is that a joke?"

It was the first ride they'd headed for when they arrived. Louis loved the bright lights, being high above everything and everyone and just taking it all in. Harry had never been on a Ferris wheel before, and he had romantic hopes for his first time. He'd been completely fine until they jolted to a start and he realised they were going backwards. That had been strike one. When the carriage started swinging, he had grabbed onto the bar and refused to let go, his knuckles white with the strength of his grip. Louis tried to keep him grounded but it was pointless. Harry sat bolt upright, his spine rigid. The final straw was when they stopped at the top, swaying in the breeze and with a long way to fall if anything went wrong. He had started to whimper, a sound like a scared puppy filtering out between his teeth. When his eyes clamped shut, all Louis could do was shuffle closer to his boyfriend and try not to laugh.

Holding hands, they made their way back over to the rest of the family. Doris and Ernie were running round Jay’s legs, the straps of their backpack reins tangling her legs and making her teeter. They were a blur of pink and blue, the puddle suits that Harry had seen and just ‘had to have’ when they went into town earlier in the day crinkling with every step.

“Alright Harry love?” Jay asked. She found it so easy to mother him like one of her own. She stroked the hair away from his cold, clammy face, letting her open palm rest on his cheek.

“Absolutely Jay, right as rain. Let me take these little monsters away from you for a minute, give you chance to get a coffee.” Harry ran in the opposite direction to the twins, bent low and growling. He caught up with them and they ran into his open arms. “Come on monster cubs, we’re going to go and win the biggest teddy bear we can find!”

The twins whooped with joy, not entirely sure on why they were excited but happy to go along for the ride. Harry was their current favourite person and they looked at him like he had hung the moon.

“Harry Styles do not bring these children back to me with a goldfish! There are enough things in my house for me to keep alive!” She was expertly untangling her legs from the reins, holding onto Lottie’s arm for balance.

“Course not Jay!” Harry shouted over his shoulder as he walked towards the Hook A Duck stall, a twin clasped in each arm and their knees touching across his stomach. “I’ll bring them back with two! Quick babies, lets run!” He took off, long legs lolloping across the soft grass and the twins giggling incessantly, their chubby hands clasped around his neck.

“What a little shit,” Jay laughed, her face softening at the sight of her littlest littles enjoying quality time with their newest big brother. “You two are more alike than you realise Lou.”

“He’s different recently mum. He’s always been so much fun and more loving than anyone I have ever met but... since I decided to stay, he’s been so much more relaxed and... I suppose hyper is as good a word as any. It’s like he’s woken up from a huge sleep and he has this starving hunger for life and all the experiences he can get his big mitts on. It’s adorable!”

“I think we all have a little bit of that Boobear.” Jay bundled Louis under her arm and gestured for the girls to join them in a group hug. “Now, let's go and get a coffee before the terrible trio come back!”

“Mum, can we go on more rides?” Lottie asked, her eyes still tracking the handsome ride operator that had almost killed Harry with his car spinning expertise.

“Sure, let me get you some more money. We’ll meet you by the ghost train in thirty minutes, no later! We need to head over to the field for the fireworks.” Jay fiddled with the zip on her handbag, searching for her purse amongst the tissues, snacks, receipts and forgotten lip balms.

“Here, go on.” Louis held a £20 note out to Lottie and winked over Jay’s head. “Keep your phone on! And don't you dare come back pregnant.” Louis tilted his head towards the waltzer, letting her know he knew exactly what she was thinking about. He'd been exactly the same when he was her age and had seen the inside of a few caravans himself.

"Louis, ew!" Lottie's cheeks flushed, giving her away completely.

"Just go and enjoy yourselves and if you do that, I'll get us all a candy apple for when the fireworks start. MUSH! MUSH!" He waved his arms towards the rides, feigning disinterest in his siblings.

“You’re the best big brother ever!” They rushed him again in a group hug and Louis felt his insides turn to jelly. He loved being a brother, loved every single one of his siblings with the ferocity of a lion.

“Yeah, yeah. STICK TOGETHER!” he shouted after them as they ran across the field in a cloud of perfume and hormones.

“You spoil them, y’know?”

“Good, I want to.”

 

♥

 

Harry walked across the fairground towards the pop-up coffee bar where Louis sat with his mum. He loved to observe him from a distance, before he knew Harry was watching and he was totally at ease. His hair was getting so long, his fringe held back from his face with a black headband of Harry’s. His eyes sparkled when he spoke, his hands gesturing wildly to further make whatever point he was on. Jay was in rapture, listening carefully to every word, just like anyone that encountered the dynamo that was Louis Tomlinson. He commanded attention, not in a physical way, but in the secrets that peeked out from behind his smile, the personality that seeped out of every raised eyebrow, the sensuality in the roll of his hips when he walked. A shivering thrill shot down Harry’s spine; this man was his heart and he got to keep him forever. They would grow old together and Harry would love him more and more every single hour that passed. There was nothing to fear in forever once you found your soulmate.

“MAMA LOOK AT MY BEAR!” Doris charged towards Jay, stumbling slightly as her reins tightened against the sudden surge. “HARRY GOT ME BIG BEAR!”

Harry felt the beam of Louis’ smile before his eyes even registered it; the admiration palpable as he scooped his little brother onto his lap.

“HARRY GOT ME BEAR, NOT LOUIS.” Doris was almost drowning in excitement, her wellies tapping against the ground as she danced from foot to foot, waving a huge purple teddy in the air. It was the cheapest, tackiest thing Harry had ever seen, but the little girl had been adamant that she wanted that one and who was he to say no.

“Erm, thank you Dottie. I tried but those games are rigged!” Louis exclaimed; his ego still not fully healed from their first go around the carnival games. “Those hoops are not big enough to go over the pegs!”

“It’s okay baby, I managed to outsmart them,” Harry purred. He leaned over the back of Louis’ chair and ruffled Ernie’s hair. The little boy was the quieter of the two, content to snuggle into his big brother and suck his thumb, his own teddy snug under his arm and his fingers tracing the outline of its ear.

“Shut it you. Anyway, where’s my teddy?”

Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out the tiny bear that he had kept from their trip to Brighton. He had been saving it for the perfect moment, carrying it around with him and waiting for the universe to give him an open.

“I’ve been keeping this little guy safe for you for a little while now.”

“Harry! The Brighton bear! I didn’t know you’d kept him,” Louis grabbed for the little toy, tucking it into the pocket of his denim jacket so that only its head poked out. “Thank you, you sap.”

“I wasn’t brave enough to give you it then. Today seemed the perfect opportunity.”

They shared a brief kiss while Jay cleared their table and thanked the owner for the drinks. All warmed through inside, they stepped off the wooden decking and headed over to the meeting place. Taking a twin each, they swung them up onto their shoulders and made their way to the ghost train. They were all chattering good-naturedly, having little races that made the twins scream in delight and dig their fingers into Harry and Louis' hair as they bounced around on their shoulders. The sky had finally cleared, midnight blue punctured with thousands of twinkling stars and a full moon so large it felt entirely possible to reach out and touch it.

Halfway across the grass, Louis slammed to a halt, his face instantly turning white and his knees bobbing underneath him. Harry was like lightening, pushing in front of Louis and propping his body up so Jay could get Ernie down from his shoulders.

“Jesus fuck, get Lottie. Get Lottie right fucking now,” Louis was panting, his hands clawing at his throat. He was looking over at the ghost train, his gaze fixed.

Harry spun, his eyes searching wildly for the girls in the crowd of people. He spotted them about ten feet away. Phoebe, Daisy and Fizzy stood in a huddle holding hands, their expressions speaking volumes. They were looking around, not wanting to leave their oldest sister but desperate to find a familiar face who could help them. Lottie was slightly further away, her back against the side of the ghost train, a tall man leering over her with his hand on the wall. Her eyes were swimming with tears, her hands shaking at her sides.

“Harry...it’s one of the Donny boys.” Louis’ words turned Harry to ice. “I can’t... I can’t move...help her please... please Harry.”

“As soon as the other girls get to you, head for the exit. I will get Lottie and meet you in the carpark.”

“Harry no- I'm not leaving you and Lottie...”

“Jay, with all due respect, we need to keep everyone safe. Take your kids and go. I will not come out of here without Lottie safe and sound, alright?” He didn’t know what had happened to his voice; on the surface it was calm but underneath it the anger burned. He was livid, how dare these fuckers come for his family. How FUCKING dare they?!

He didn’t hesitate, storming across the grass towards the girls. Jay clutched onto her babies, frozen in place with fear. These were the people who had terrorised her family, tried to kill her son, followed her home from work. These were the people who had pushed disgusting things through their letter box, sent poison pen letters, tried to break their family apart. And Harry was mad. Raging mad. He reached the little huddle of younger girls first.

“Go now, your mum and Louis are there. Go and stand with them right now.” He gave them a gentle push, glancing over his shoulder until he saw them reach Jay. They fell into her, all of them crying and stuttering out apologies that they had let it happen.

As Harry drew closer, he knew that Lottie had seen him over the Donny Boy’s shoulder. She was pleading with her eyes, a single tear breaking free and tracking down her cheek. Harry knew she was paralysed, unable to push her way past the monster that leaned over her, breathing over her face and whispering supposed sweet nothings. His pace quickened again until he was almost sprinting the last few feet.

“Lottie? Time to go.” Harry planted his feet in the ground, his eyes firmly on the man’s back. There was a moment of surprise when he turned, then his gaze narrowed on Harry.

“Don’t think so pal, get your own.” He turned back to Lottie, assuming Harry would walk away. He was wrong.

“She’s not yours to own pal. I'm taking her home to her mother.”

“I’m sorry, but you must be mistaken. She’s coming home with me.”

“Over my dead body.”

“That can be arranged.” When he turned to square up, Lottie saw her moment and pushed past him, running to stand behind Harry in an instant. “What’s this sweetheart? Running away from me for this fucking nobody with greasy hair and a superiority complex?”

“I want to go home Harry,” Lottie whispered from behind him, her fingers curling into his coat.

“We’re going Lotts. We’re going.”

The Donny Boy was incensed, his face almost purple with rage. He reached behind Harry, grabbing Lottie hard around the top of her arm and dragging her towards him. She screeched in pain as his thick fingers dug into her flesh and reached out desperately for Harry with her other hand, her fingers glancing over his sleeve but not quickly enough to grab on.

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER!” Harry was drawing a crowd, faceless bodies surrounding them at a safe distance, not one of them brave enough to step in. Even fairground security was keeping their distance, speaking inaudibly into walkie talkies but doing absolutely nothing. Everyone knew the Donny Boys and no one wanted to get involved in their business. They would rather stand around, watching the drama unfold, filming on their phones in case something happened that would make them go viral on social media. Harry would never understand it.

“Or what dickhead? You don’t know who you’re messing with son, I promise you that.” Marcus smirked at Harry, jerking his neck from side to side with an audible crack.

“I know exactly who I’m messing with, and I’m not scared of you. I’m messing with the sort of guy who wants to force a girl to go home with him, even when she’s shaking and crying. I’m messing with the sort of guy who needs to use his gang status to throw his weight around. I’m messing with the sort of guy who feels powerful when he threatens someone vulnerable. I’m messing with someone who’s only happiness comes from fucking with other people’s lives. I’m messing with a sad, lonely little coward who couldn't catch a break in life and decided to make it everyone else’s problem. How's that...Donny Boy?”

Adrenaline was coursing through Harry, his heart struggling to keep a rhythm and his mouth dry and sticky. He was terrified, but not for himself. He was terrified for the Tomlinson’s, for their lives that would forever be on the edge waiting for these bastards to rear their ugly heads time and time again. For Louis, who was just finding the spring in his step again and who wanted to live. Even if it was the last thing he ever did, even if his life was taken from him right here on a fairground field with the smell of candyfloss in the air, he would use his last breath to fight for Louis. He would not let everything he had gone through to get to this point be wasted. He deserved happiness and Harry would make sure he got it.

Quick as lightening, his collar was between the meaty fists of the Donny Boy, their faces so close that he could smell the whiskey on his breath. Insanity raged behind his bloodshot eyes; the pupils so dilated that Harry couldn’t tell what colour they had ever been.

“You think her pussy is worth dying for, little boy? I know for a fact that half of Doncaster have had a ride on that one.” Spit sprayed over Harry's face, nausea roiling in his stomach.

“You’re a piece of fucking shit,” Harry growled, knowing he was being goaded but unable to control his emotions. He grabbed onto the Donny Boy’s lapels, locking them into a macabre shuffle, their foreheads almost touching as they circled each other with bared teeth. He had never been a fighter, but something had been knocked loose inside of him and he wanted blood, wanted to feel this guy's nose crack under his fist, wanted to see him rolling on the floor in pain.

“Harry, leave it, let's go,” Lottie shouted from somewhere behind him, her voice thick with fear.

“OI! PRICK!” From Harry’s left, a familiar voice shattered the tension. “GET YOUR DIRTY MEAT HOOKS OFF MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND!”

Louis. He was here, why was he here?! He was meant to be safe in the carpark with the Jay and the rest of his siblings. Harry’s bowels turned to water with utter terror, his stomach cramping angrily.

“Louis, go back to the car, please.”

“No. I’m not running away anymore. Remember me, Marcus?” He stood to one side, the tremble in his limbs barely visible and his chin set stubbornly. He glared at the bigger man, gushes of angry air streaming from his nostrils, his breath visible in the cold night air. He looked like a bull, ready to charge at a moment's notice.

“Oh, this fucking faggot. I should have known that she was one of yours." He jerked his thumb towards Lottie, blowing her a sarcastic kiss and revelling in the terror on her face. "Your mum has had more cock ends than weekends, kids all over the place.” Marcus really thought he’d done something, that he was getting the upper hand with Louis by going after his family. And although Harry knew it would be ripping him apart to hear his mum and sisters being disrespected, he also knew that Marcus was only egging him on to stand up for himself.

“Is that all you’ve got; ‘your mama’ jokes and homophobia? How pathetic. Don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but I was in a relationship with your boss. So, whatever I am, I’m certainly not the only one.”

“I thought we made it clear that if you ever stepped foot back in Donny, that we’d rip your head off and shit in the hole. You must have a death wish Tomlinson.” Marcus was rattled, unsure why his scare tactics weren’t working. He wasn’t used to anyone standing up to him or challenging his authority. He was used to begging and pleasing for mercy. He was puffing out his chest, trying to make himself look intimidating. Seeing him next to Louis, the latter much more petite but a total tower of strength, was incredible.

“Any ties I had with the Donny Boys was dead and buried with Jack, Marcus. You should be more concerned about whoever it is on the inside that gave the coppers all that dirt. They knew where to look and whether you believe me or don't, none of it came from me. Jack told me nothing. Nil. Nada. I didn’t want to know ANYTHING about this filthy little empire he had going on. You want to take something out of me for it still, then go ahead. I’m right here. I’m so fucking tired of running and hiding, so just get on with it. But you leave Harry and my family out of it. It is not their fight.” Louis opened his arms and took a step closer to Marcus, inviting him to take his best shot.

Harry couldn’t move; totally awed by Louis and the strength that he had in this moment; he held his breath and waited for Marcus to make a move. Lottie slid under his arm, burying her face into his shoulder and sobbing quietly. He hugged her tightly, his hand on the back of her head to make sure she didn't watch anything that might be about to happen.

“Stop him Harry, make him stop,” she begged, terrified of losing her brother once and for all.

“I can’t Lottie, I just can’t.” Harry knew he had to let Louis do this, that he couldn’t fight this battle for him. He needed to do this for himself, to test his limits and show his enemy, the demon who had haunted him for so long, that he wouldn’t be bullied anymore.

“Come on Marcus, I’m giving you an opportunity here. I’m sure you would all love my head mounted on the fucking office wall.” Louis continued moving forward.

“You really are insane Louis. You know what I could have done to you.” The crowd around them was silent, the walkie talkies buzzing with static from the belts of the security guards the only noise. In the distance, the rides still whooshed, screams teaming from them and drowning out the music. It was insane to Harry that a short distance away everything could still be so lively, like this corner was stuck in some sort of time slip.

“You can’t do a single thing to me that hasn’t already been done. Your boss brutalised me in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, se... sexually.” Louis’ voice waivered on the last word, but he didn’t stop, sharing his truth with everyone around him. “He beat me beyond recognition and I nearly lost my legs. Posted shit through my letterbox. Put roadkill on my mum’s car. Went to my little sisters’ school. He made my life a living hell. Death always seemed a lot easier than living with all that especially when I can see it all on my body for the rest of my life. I’m a patchwork fucking quilt Marcus. I ache like an old arthritic man. And by God have I paid for ever getting involved with that scumbag. I’ve paid for it every day for the last three fucking years. Now I’m happy. Now I have him.” He gestured to Harry, still clutching Lottie on the side lines. “And you will never take that away, regardless of what you do to me.”

Harry’s body ached from holding himself so tense. The cold was starting to seep through his bones, the shiver embedded deep below the surface. Inside of him, his organs sloshed, and his muscles vibrated. Fight or flight had well and truly kicked in, he was ready to jump in front of Louis if he needed to. But right now, he had to stand back, no matter how hard it was to keep still. In the distance he could hear the low wail of police sirens and knowing that they would be at the entrance with Jay and the kids soothed his soul slightly. They would be safe. Hopefully all of them would be safe and on their way home as a family.

Marcus turned his head in the direction of the exit, the blue lights visible now coming over the hill. His fists clenched, and he made as if to close the gap between him and Louis. Something changed his mind, and he rocked back on his heels, a hissed sigh escaping him.

“Me and you, we’re done. You hear me? I used to like you Louis, you were good for Jack, made him happy. But what you did, I can’t forgive that. He’s dead, and that’s on you. I figure you living with being a killer, as well as everything else, is enough for me. For now.”

He turned and ran, weaving between stalls and heading for the woods that surrounded them. Like a rat fleeing a sinking ship, he made a bid for freedom, hoping to avoid the police by lurking in the shadows for the next few hours.

Louis dropped to his hands and knees in the grass, his body convulsing with tremors. Lottie was the first to reach him, throwing herself down beside him and bundling him in her arms. They cried together, wiping tears from each other’s cheeks and throwing their arms around each other over and over again. Harry stood by them, looking down at them, his own cheeks wet. When Louis opened his eyes, Harry held out a hand.

“Come on Lou, on your feet. You don’t belong down there.” He pulled him up, crushing their bodies together and wrapping his coat around both of them. “You’re insane. Insane and so fucking brave. I’m so proud of you baby, so proud.” He covered Louis’ face in quick kisses, breathing in the scent of coffee and tasting the salty popcorn on his lips. “I was so scared. But you did it and I’m so proud.”

“I’m free Harry. I’m really free.” Louis’ eyes widened, the gravity of the situation slamming into him like a lorry. “WHAT DID I JUST DO?! AM I MENTALLY DEFICIENT?” Adrenaline turned to shock for Louis, the realisation that he had just offered a Donny Boy out for a fight slowly sinking in. “God he could have killed me. He’ll have been carrying, they always are no matter where they go. What if he’d got you or Lotts? I’m an idiot, a total idiot.”

“Hey, none of that love. You are the bravest, brightest, strongest star in my sky. You are a warrior, and what you just did... wow. You’re amazing. And I’m going to remind you of that every single day.”

They pulled Lottie into their embrace, taking a moment to just hold each other and process the last 10 minutes. It felt like hours had gone by, an exhaustion covering them all in a starry haze. The crowd was dispersing, families making their way to the field to get in place for the fireworks and the burning of the guy. This would be the talk of the town for the next few weeks, the rumour mill spinning and twisting it until the original story could barely be found in amongst the lies.

The trio turned and walked towards the exit, all three of them fighting through the surge against them, arms thrown around each other’s waists. There was a different charge in the air tonight, the promise of better things coming. There would need to be conversations between them, with the police, with therapists and family members. But for now, they just wanted to be together. All of them safe and sound under one roof, full of faith in the future.

Notes:

Only two chapters left my loves! I do have a rough plan for a sequel if this one goes well and people seem to be enjoying it!

I love to hear what you guys think so every comment, kudos and Twitter follow is deeply appreciated ♥

Chapter 23: A Storm In A Teacup

Summary:

Harry and the Tomlinson's arrive home after the fair, their lives thrown into chaos by the reappearance of Louis' past. Can they ever truly relax again?

TRIGGER WARNING: CONTAINS DESCRIPTION OF ANIMAL CRUELTY

Notes:

In hindsight, this should have been with the last chapter. I decided to post it on it's own as a standalone so that the last two chapters (after this one) can be lighter and more positive. So this is just a short one for now, although the next chapter is well underway and shouldn't be too far behind.

Thank you guys for being so patient, and thank you so much for the kind messages and comments on here and on Twitter. Things are a bit mad for me at the minute, and the support means the world :)

The shockwaves of that night at the fair had spread through the Tomlinson’s like wildfire. The drive home had been largely silent, Louis’ quivering hands clenched inside of Harry’s as he stared out of the car windows into the darkness. Lottie had chosen to travel back with her brother and Jay wasn’t leaving her side. They huddled together in the back seat, silent tears streaming down Lottie’s face and the only sound her sporadic shuddering breaths.

When they got back to the house, Fizzy had already pulled onto the drive and was unloading all of the twins. She had made sure the front door was already open, the hallway lamp glowing from inside invitingly. Every couple of seconds, her nervous eyes flicked back to the door, sweeping over the garden to make sure no was waiting, that no one had slid into the house undetected. This had always been their sanctum, their safe place, their home. And it felt tainted, like danger had swooped a little closer and shattered all the progress they had made so far.

Harry supported Louis up the drive, ushering Jay and Lottie ahead of them so he could keep a close eye. Every shadow felt menacing, every crunch of gravel doubly loud and grating. There was a collective sigh as they reached the house, the sounds of Ernie and Doris playing in the toy room a welcome distraction from the ice-cold dread that soaked them all.

“Louis, go and sit with your mum and sisters. I’m going to put the kettle on.” Harry pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple, happy that for once he wasn’t going to argue with him. Although his nurturing, protective side was out and in force right now, truthfully Harry needed the moment alone to gather himself. He couldn’t fall apart now, not when they all needed him to hold it together.

As the kettle boiled, he scouted around the kitchen, double checking the windows and doors were locked. He turned on the outside light, peering out of the French doors with cupped hands to see right down the steps to the bottom of the garden. There were so many shadows, the trees dancing making every one seem like it was creeping closer to the house. After a while, Harry pulled the heavy curtains closed against the night and tried to soothe himself that everything was locked, and they were all safe.

“Harry?” Lottie had crept in behind him, catching him leaning heavily on his forearms against the kitchen worktop, his chin tucked tightly to his chest. As soon as he looked up, her face crumpled again, and she flew across the tiles and into his arms. “Thank you. Thank you so much for coming back for me.”

“Hey shush now, of course I came for you. I would never, ever leave you alone Lottie, okay? You’ve got two big brothers now.”

“That stuff he was saying about me. About me sleeping around? It’s not true. I swear it’s not true.”

“Even if it was, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. No one has any rights to your body; do you hear me? It doesn’t matter how many people you’ve slept with, how short your skirt is, how many drinks you’ve had... It's all bullshit. No one has the right to touch you without your permission.”

“But I didn’t tell him to stop, I just froze!” Her voice was muffled in his shirt, the tears soaking through to his skin.

“You didn’t tell him yes either. None of this is your fault sweetheart.” Harry cupped Lottie’s face and raised her head so that their eyes met. “None of it. Not one minute of it.”

He held her close as she broke down, pulling her close and pressing kisses to the crown of her head. The kettle bubbled furiously behind them, clicking off as it reached its peak. When he fell in love with Louis, he had fallen deep with the whole family, and he knew in that moment that he would protect them with everything he had.

 

♥

 

Once Jay had ushered the four youngest kids to bed, with extra kisses, cuddles and the promise of pancakes for breakfast, the adults sat down to talk through their options. The police had posted a squad car outside the house and would be taking a statement from them all tomorrow; in the meantime, they were combing the area for Marcus. Louis knew it was fruitless, he would have gone to ground somewhere and his ‘brothers’ would never rat him out. He was just lurking there, sitting on the edge of all their subconscious’ and waiting for the moment he decided to take his revenge.

“I think it’s time we moved.” Jay cradled her hot mug between her hands and looked around the shocked faces that turned to her. “I just don’t think I’ll ever relax knowing that these monsters are in the same city as my kids.”

“Mum I’m so sorry...” Louis started, his hand immediately grabbing for her thigh.

“No. Stop that right now. I will not have you apologising. You do not apologise for the things you cannot control, Louis. Haven’t I always told you that?”

“But if it wasn’t me for me none of this would have happened. I caused all of this.”

“No Lou,” Harry stammered, shaking his head firmly.

“Jack caused all of this. Marcus caused all of this. This is on them. Don’t give them the power to make you doubt yourself.” Jay shuffled closer to Louis and knocked their legs together lovingly.

“I love you all so much, I couldn’t bear it if...”

“Hey, stop that my darling. Nothing is going to happen. We’re just going to get packed up and go on a little adventure somewhere. Maybe we could head south and get a bit closer to you two?”

“We would love that Jay,” Harry smiled supportively. He moved over to the big sofa, slotting himself in next to Louis and taking his hand. “We’ll help however we can.”

“What would I do without you boys, hmm?”

“You’ll never have to find out mum,” Louis replied, looking directly into his mother’s eyes and hoping she heard what he was saying. “Neither of us are going anywhere.

Jay threw her arms around her son and squeezed him hard enough to make his eyes bulge. She heard him loud and clear, but then, she always had. She always said they had a special bond; she had carried his heart inside of her and he had been the first one to know what her heart sounded like from the inside. It seemed almost silly now but hearing that over and over again had brought comfort to Louis for years; even now it could still soothe him to remember it. He had never had to worry about things that a lot of kids had; his mum had never raised a hand to him, always preferring to talk rather than shout. There was no stress for him about how she would react to him coming out, he had moved out knowing he would always be welcome back and he had told her the first time he had sex. Now it was his turn to be that comfort for her, and he was determined to do a good job.

“I just need to make a phone call.” Harry slipped out of the room, leaving Louis and his oldest sisters to talk things through with their mum.

Standing in the hallway, he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled Anne’s number. He wanted to speak to her before he mentioned anything to Jay or Louis, but he had an idea. He was getting ready to hang up when the line clicked and connected in his ear.

“Mum? We’ve had a bit of a situation in Doncaster today, part of Louis’ past came back to haunt us all. No, we’re all fine I swear. I just wanted to ask about the guest house bookings...”

 

Harry wrapped up the call with his mum as quickly as possible; his entire body ached to stay close to Louis, his protective instincts blaring even though he knew they were all okay inside the house. When he walked back into the living room, Louis was scribbling away in a notepad hastily pulled from a drawer. He’d gone into proactive mode; a sure sign that he was trying to keep himself from spiralling into powerlessness. Jay was knotting her hands together anxiously, peering over Louis’ shoulder as he planned.

“Erm, guys. I might have a solution for you- I mean, if you don’t mind me butting in?” All of a sudden, he felt nervous. The plan had seemed like a fantastic idea in his own head but now that he had to say it out loud it felt presumptuous and maybe a little insulting.

“What is it H?” Louis looked at him, eyes shining with adoration. He trusted him, it would be okay.

“I’ve just got off the phone with my mum. She has this barn conversion thing on her land, she usually rents it out. Kind of like an Air BnB type thing.” Harry took a deep breath, fighting back the nerves. “I just checked and it’s clear of bookings until the new year. My mum said you guys are welcome in Holmes Chapel for however long you need. She can suspend bookings for the foreseeable future.”

“Wow, that’s really kind of your mum! How much are the booking fees?” Jay pulled out her phone and opened the calculator app, ready to do some maths and see how far her wage would stretch when she was paying two lots of bills.

“There wouldn’t be a fee, Jay. You guys are family.”

“Oh, Harry, no sweetheart. It’s unbelievably kind but we couldn’t put your mum out like that. I couldn’t take away her earning potential.”

“Please Jay, just think about it? I know she would love to have you there for a while. The barn is just a hobby anyway really, she’s not relying on it to keep her afloat. She really wants to help.”

Jay turned to look at Louis, his opinion meaning the world to her. Harry could see she wanted to accept the offer, the free accommodation would take care of a massive financial burden and keep her family safe. But she was a proud woman, so used to doing things by herself that it felt almost criminal for her to take what she viewed as handouts.

“I think you should do it mum. I’d be happy to make some sort of donation to Anne if it would help?”

“I’m not taking any more of your money Boo, you did enough getting me this place.”

The original part of the house that the Tomlinson’s lived in was the council house Jay had grown up in as a child. It had remained her family home until her parents decided to downsize and she took over the mortgage. With seven children, the little house had been bursting at the seams with bodies. Jay had eventually given her bedroom up to give Lottie and Fizzy their own space, relegating herself to a sofa bed in the living room. When Louis received his pay-out after the court case, the first thing he did was buy the house next door to his mums and have them knocked through into one big family home. He hadn’t told his mum what he was doing, leaving it as a surprise until the sale finally completed, and the inside was ripped out ready for the conversion. They’d spent two weeks in London with Louis while the work was underway, their belongings crammed into storage units until the renovation was finished.

“C’mon mum, y’know I have money just sitting there doing nothing. Jack’s money. He caused all of this; it’s only right the slimy fucker pays for the fallout.” Louis had donated most Jack’s money that he had been left in his will; thousands of people had benefitted from his “empire” whether they be LGBT youths that had been abandoned by their families, domestic violence victims fleeing the terror or children who needed special help following abuse. A lot of people had had their lives changed, and that was the best thing Louis could have hoped for to come out such tragedy.

“Let’s just talk about the money side of things later. Harry love, are you sure we wouldn’t be putting your mum out in any way?”

“Definitely not. You guys were coming for Christmas anyway, right? It’ll just be like an extended adventure! Here I have some pictures.” Harry perched on the sofa arm next to Jay and scrolled through the listing on the website. “Four double bedrooms, family lounge and separate dining room, big kitchen with an Aga, hot tub and barbeque on the patio. Obviously, you’d be welcome in mum’s too, you don’t have to hide in the barn all the time...”

“It’s perfect,” Jay interrupted, her voice cracking with emotion. “Lotts, Fizz? What do you think?”

“You had us at hot tub mum,” Fizzy answered, reaching round to take Jay’s hand. Looking over to Harry, she smiled warmly, no words needed when gratitude shone from her eyes.

“H, I think we should cancel the Disney trip. It doesn’t feel right to be leaving the country when all this is going on at home.”

“Of course, Lou, whatever you think is best.” Despite the seriousness of the situation, Harry couldn’t help but feel a slam of disappointment. They had been so excited for their first trip abroad, and he had spent months working on a full itinerary of things for them to do. He mentally slapped himself for his selfishness and tried to forget about Disneyland completely as they worked to get Louis’ family to safety.

“No boys, you have to go. Harry has worked so hard. Please go.” Jay looked more distraught than Harry felt.

“You put your entire life on hold for me so many times mum. I couldn’t leave you when you need me for anything.”

“Why don’t you leave Cliff with me. Would that make you feel better? I’ll make sure we’re out of Doncaster by then. I could come to London, do some house hunting and take Cliff back to Holmes Chapel with me?”

“I don’t know...” Louis was wavering, his loyalty to his mum fighting against his loyalty to Harry.

“Louis, just make the choice that you’re most comfortable with. I’m okay baby, really,” Harry soothed.

The shattering of glass interrupted Louis before a single word left his mouth. Jay was the first one of the sofa, her slippers skidding slightly on the rug as she propelled herself towards the kitchen. With the rest of them close on her heels, she slammed to a halt in the doorway, her hands flying to her face and her mouth falling open in horror.

“Oh, my good God!” she whispered from behind her hands, and her eyes flicked erratically over the chaos.

The French doors had been completely shattered, the curtains flapping outside where they had been sucked through the jagged edges of the doors. The kitchen floor shimmered with thousands of shards of glass; it looked like an explosion all over the worktops, the breakfast bar, the inside of the sink. Jay staggered forward, her knees crumpling in shock, and even more glass crunched under her feet. It was carnage. But the worst of it, right in the middle of the floor laid a dead fox, its throat cut and bleeding steadily over the flagstones. It’s back leg still twitched; the injury very obviously recent. Outside the door, a pool of blood told them all they needed to know; this had been calculated and timed to perfection. Behind them, the stairs creaked, Phoebe and Daisy flying down to see what the noise was about. Harry snapped into action, keeping them away from the kitchen door and preventing them seeing what laid in wait. They needed to leave everything as it was for the police. This had gone too far.

Right on cue, a loud knock rang through the house, accompanied by cries of “POLICE! LET US IN!”. The stationed officers must have heard the shattering glass and come to check on the occupants of the house. Harry settled the twins on the bottom stair, their arms around each other and tears wetting their ashen faces, before he opened the door to the frantic officers.

“IS ANYONE INJURED? DO WE HAVE AN INTRUDER?”

Harry shook his head blankly, his body fizzing with adrenaline. From every direction there was screaming, crying, shouting, chaos. All his senses were fighting for poll position while his body struggled to take in everything that had happened in the last few hours. This was supposed to be a special family trip, a chance for Louis to reclaim his hometown. And it had all gone to shit in the blink of an eye. He leaned against the wall as officers filed through the house, a seemingly endless stream that blurred his vision as more and more back up arrived. He wanted to split himself into eight parts, one to comfort each member of the family. Maybe the rainy day had finally arrived.

As the noise reached a crescendo and the tension became almost too much too bear, Harry slipped up the staircase in search of Doris and Ernie’s bedroom. Miraculously, the younger twins hadn’t been woken by the melee downstairs. He leaned over their double bed, watching their chests rise and fall steadily, their eyelids flickering in dreams. Their hands were knotted together, Ernie’s leg slung over Doris protectively. They made small, snuffling snores that floated melodically into Harry’s thrumming ears. In the soothing darkness of the room, he could forget everything that had happened, even just for a little while. He could pretend that everything was okay, that the family were sleeping peacefully, no worry bigger than what to have for breakfast the next day. He could pretend he wasn’t trying to figure out how to support them all through this. And he could imagine that he didn’t need to worry about the love of his life rebooking his appointment to end his life.

Chapter 24: When You Wish Upon A Star...

Summary:

Harry and Louis go to Disneyland after their disastrous trip to Donny

Notes:

Okay guys, here we are, the penultimate chapter! Hold on to your hats cos she's a big girl! I'm such a Disney adult that I've tried to keep all the descriptions of the park and the hotels as close to reality as I can. Although I'm not entirely convinced that I haven't used the description of the suite in America, so you'll have to forgive me for the crossover haha.

I'm weirdly emotional writing and editing this one, it feels so strange that my baby is almost fully grown. What will I do when it's over?!

When Louis scanned his ticket and stepped through the gates into Disneyland, the emotion crashed down on him like a tonne of bricks. He’d waited for this for so long, half of his life spent dreaming about this very moment. Classic Christmas music played on brass instruments was spilling from speakers all around him and raising goosebumps all over his body. He craned his neck back to look at the arches ahead of him; the forest green tile and framed posters reminiscent of a Victorian train station was filled with the excited chatter of children all bundled up in winter coats and scarves. Above them, a steam train clattered to a halt in Main Street station and plumes of smoke puffed from the chimney as the brakes hissed. On the outer railings, huge Christmas garlands twinkled with thousands of lights, the main characters popping out between the foliage. Either side of Louis, families dipped in and out of the shops, buying last minute autograph books and Mickey ears, garish plastic bags rustling as they chased after excited children and frantically stuffed their passes back into backpacks and purses for safe keeping. On the other side of the arched tunnel, Louis could see the base of the big Christmas tree, a long street stretching behind it for what seemed like forever. It was so much more than he could ever have imagined as a child.

From behind him, Harry’s arms wrapped around his waist, their bodies slotting together like puzzle pieces. He leaned forward, warm breath thawing Louis’ cold ears and whispered, “Welcome home baby.”

Louis threaded his gloved fingers through Harry’s where they rested on his stomach and leaned back onto his chest. He turned his head, bringing their lips together with a spark of electricity that zipped through them both.

“Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don’t know how I could ever repay you for this one.”

“I can think of a few ways,” Harry purred, tensing his hands and squeezing Louis’ fingers between his own. Louis threw his head back onto Harry’s shoulder and laughed; it felt like the first time in two weeks that he could completely let go and let the joy filter through him.

That night, the night of the fair, had kickstarted a new phase in all of their lives. The police had been in the house for hours; teams of forensic technicians, CID, family liaison, social workers and even a few nosey neighbours traipsed through their misery and fear. None of them could really take in what was happening. Jay was repeatedly apologising for not being able to offer tea and biscuits, something so inherently endearing that had broken Louis’ heart even more. She was adrift, confined to the living room while everyone worked around her. When they had spoken to everyone they needed to speak to, and they had been reassured there would be officers present in the house for hours yet, Jay had ushered them all upstairs where the fear and uncertainty had not managed to seep. They had scooped up the sleeping babies, laying them gently in Jay’s superking bed and they had all clambered on together, not caring where they ended up or which body parts dangled over the edges as long as they were all together. Netflix had played Friends comfortingly in the background as they dozed in and out of restless sleep, Jay sitting sentry in the middle of all her children. Her eyes never closed once, although they fluttered heavily with exhaustion. Harry had tried to encourage her to rest, had promised he would stay awake and take care of everyone. But she couldn’t be swayed, and eventually, everyone slept but her; mother's instincts giving her the strength to watch over them all until the watery, grey dawn slid in around the blinds.

The next day, they had all immediately sprang into action. Working together they filled suitcases with the essentials, plastic carrier bags of forgotten necessities stacked around the luggage in the cars and stuffed into the footwells. They had told the police their plans to leave Doncaster, to never spend another night in the family home that Jay had known and loved for over 40 years. They had all cried with the grief of leaving their memories behind; as Jay had taken down the dozens of pictures that lined the hallway; she fought back sobs, her chest heaving and breath stuttering with every blank space. Bright white rectangles stood out in the paint, another sign of the family that had once been so happy here. Harry had left Louis to comfort his mother, slipping quietly up the stairs to supervise the kids in their packing.

They had driven to Holmes Chapel in a convoy, Harry and Louis leading the way, but all of them sticking close together and never letting the other two cars out of their sight. When they arrived, Anne was waiting on the doorstep, her arms open and ready to provide comfort. It wasn’t the first visit to Harry’s childhood home that Louis had expected but knowing that his mum and his siblings were safe and sound with Anne had brought him so much peace. They had all spent that first night in the big house, eating together and watching romcoms until the early hours before they fell into bed, warm bodies curled around each other like puppies in the limited space. The next day had been a blur of unpacking and repeated promises to look after themselves, to look after each other and to stick together as one big unit. Jay had promised the boys she would come to London a few days before they left for Paris, once they had settled into their temporary home.

Now, as Louis’ boots clattered through the tunnel, Harry’s excited whistling the perfect accompaniment, he thanked his lucky stars for the beautiful human being by his side. He had honestly never dreamed that they would be able to make this trip, but Harry had made it all possible. He hadn’t wasted a minute, closing the shop for a week for a “family emergency”, and dragging all the boys back to Doncaster to pack up the rest of the house and have everything put into a storage unit in London. He had forbidden any one single Tomlinson from making an appearance, choosing video calls and emails to get the job done. It had taken a few days to sort through everything and transport it back in rented vans and jampacked car boots, but he had worked his fingers, and the boys’, to the bone to take the pressure off the Tomlinson clan. He’d even followed Jay’s frantic orders for what needed to go where and what forgotten items she would like them to take to Louis’ flat for her to take back home with her. It was the end of an era, a completely 180 of their lives but she was taking everything in her stride and staying strong for her kids.

Louis stepped out of the tunnel on to Main Street and immediately ran over the road to the bright white bandstand. He ran his hands over the wood as he climbed the steps and stood under the awning. From the opposite side, he could see the Christmas tree in all its glory, stretching higher than he ever thought possible. Oversize baubles and stars hung from every branch and the lights twinkled in delicate patterns, twisting higher and higher until they reached the top before cascading back down. Underneath the tree, ginormous presents sparkled with glitter and miniature Christmas trees scattered in fake snow were artistically scattered. This had always been Louis’ favourite time of year. The bite in the air that left noses and cheeks a glowing red, warm skin under layers that startled every time cold fingertips brushed across it, sparkling lights and glittering decorations, dark mornings, pants fresh from the radiator, hot baths and romantic films with flickering candles. He loved it all. There was no way in hell he’d be able to resist pulling out his decorations as soon as he got home and stringing lights from everything that stood still long enough.

He pulled Harry down the street with him, eyeballs out on stalks as he tried to decide where they needed to go first. Louis was trying his best not to look directly at the bright pink castle that stood at the other end of the street. He wanted the full effect as he walked down Main Street.

“Harry, look, there’s City Hall! Come on, we can go and get those ‘My First Visit’ badges and stick them on our ears!” He tugged Harry’s hand roughly, almost running to the wide-open doors of the big white building to their right.

“Whatever you want Lou,” Harry chuckled, the smile that had taken over his face wide and toothy. Louis really was his own Peter Pan, so young at heart and bursting with the kind of excitement that rarely graced adults. And it was contagious, his own heart soaring into his throat as they ran.

They joined the queue of holidaymakers, Louis excitedly bouncing from foot to foot with every step closer to the desk that they took. When they eventually made it to the front and had the badges in their hands, they both squealed and ran outside to attach them to their headbands. Suddenly the music stopped, and Louis’ head shot round to look behind him. Jingling bells took over the speaker, and right before their eyes, snow started to fall over the street. Disneyland really was the happiest place on Earth. Children ducked and weaved between people, grimacing when they caught the snow on their tongues and tasted soap. Childless couples danced in the middle of the ‘road’, spinning to a music only they could hear. Old and young, solo travellers and families; everyone came together in their happiness and filled the street with a warm rush of Christmas spirit. Grabbing hold of Louis’ hand, Harry wound them through the crowds to stand in the middle of the street amongst the other revellers. As they reached a gap, he turned to face Louis, walking backwards with their fingers interlinked in their woollen gloves. He pulled his boyfriend towards him, smiling wide and tipping his face to the sky; Louis laughed loud and completely unencumbered. Being there just had that effect; all around were people forgetting about the daily stresses and struggles, the hardships they faced pushed to one side while they soaked themselves in the magic of a Disney Christmas. Harry’s arms curled around Louis, capturing his body and holding him close. The entire length of their bodies were touching, from the tips of their toes to the tips of their noses; for the briefest moment, it felt to them both like they were the only people in the world. Everything stopped; all the hurt and confusion of the last few months just a pinprick of the horizon of their lives together. Harry nuzzled into Louis, his nose tracing swirls over his cool skin, streams of hot breath leaving fire trails behind. He captured Louis’ chin between his finger and thumb, tilting his face up to plant gentle kisses all around his mouth. Louis’ eyes flickered closed, long eyelashes resting on his cheekbones and his lips still holding onto the trace of a smile. Harry covered his lips with his own, sliding his hand to Louis’ cheek and beckoning him deeper into their kiss. Their lips moved together in synchronised chaos; their bodies so entuned that they effortlessly captivated each other in a shared moment.

“Wow,” Louis whispered as they broke apart.

“I love you baby,” Harry whispered back, his arms still encircling Louis’ narrow waist.

“Love you more.”

“Love you most.”

 

♥

 

Hand in hand, Harry and Louis threw themselves into the full Disney experience. They explored every corner of the park, losing all their inhibitions and embracing their inner children. Their autograph books were bursting with character signatures, their phones full of cliched pictures that they had seen on Pinterest. Harry’s personal favourite was the action shot he’d taken accidentally as Louis dropped his candyfloss from the stick, disappointment taking over his face as he watched it tumble to the ground. Louis’ favourite was a candid of Harry, teary eyed with one hand over his mouth as the parade moved slowly past them, Santa sitting high in his sleigh on the search for a special child to help him light the Christmas tree later that evening. The child he had picked had been beside themselves, leaping into the air and whooping with glee when she was helped into the sleigh to sit beside her idol. By this point Harry had been full on crying and making Louis promise they could come back that evening to watch the little girl fulfil her duties. Louis had nodded and folded Harry into his side, pressing kisses to his cheeks where tears lingered. The park was relatively quiet, and they took advantage of the short queues, riding all their favourites multiple times and proclaiming every single photo “better than the last”. They had bags full of cardboard frames before they eventually caved and paid for a photo pass. Everything was just so soft and easy; there was no trying to please each other, no quiet resentments when they dragged each other to the different attractions, no taking turns in the name of fairness like usual theme park trips. The one time all the boys had been to Alton Towers it had been a nightmare; they all had different ideas of fun and tension had quickly mounted when Zayn and Niall felt that they weren’t getting a fair chance to do what they wanted. But not this time, Harry and Louis were just content to be with each other in such a magical place, to move around and do whatever each of them wanted in their own time with no solid expectations for the day.

They had returned that evening to watch the lighting of the Christmas tree; the whole street alive with singing and dancing cast members with the twinkling tree lights behind them. When Santa had arrived, his little helper tucked up tightly beside him, the whole park was plunged into darkness. A spotlight illuminated the sleigh, where the little girl dug her hand into the small bag Santa offered out to her. Harry grabbed for Louis’ hand, his excitement clouding them both and his breath held in anticipation. At just the right minute, she threw the handful of glittering pixie dust onto the tree and one by one the lights flickered to life, dancing from the bottom of the tree until they reached the top. As the music reached it’s crescendo, the star began to beam, a searchlight shooting forth and hitting the castle at the opposite end of the street. The little girl squealed and threw her arms around Santa, the fur on the hood of her scarlet coat tickling his nose and making him laugh. It was true magic, and Harry was lost in it.

 

♥

 

“What do you want to do next babe?” Harry looked at Louis over the lip of his paper cup, hot chocolate swirls blooming from the corners of his mouth like wings.

Louis leaned over and wiped them away with his thumb, his fingers lingering around Harry’s chin for a moment. He looked beautiful; a day of cold air with brief flashes of warmth had stained his cheeks cherry red, his curls messed from pulling his hat on and off for the rides. His emerald eyes were sparkling; from tears or genuine joy, Louis couldn’t tell. But they were alive, flashing like homing beacons in the dull afternoon light. They had found an almost deserted area in Fantasyland with a refreshment kiosk right by it. The cobbled courtyard looked over onto It’s A Small World, the gentle ticking of the oversized clock strangely soothing over the noise around them. They sat at delicate metal table, white roses twirling on their vines into cold seats under their jean clad legs.

“Maybe we could head back to the hotel, freshen up a bit and catch our breaths?” Louis stretched his tired legs out under the table; it had been a long time since he’d done this much walking and the cold air was making his scars ache and itch. When they had arrived early that morning, they were unable to get into their rooms, so they had left their bags in the lockers and rushed straight to the park, unable to wait a minute longer.

“You tired out?” Concern flashed across Harry’s face when he reached for Louis’ hand.

“Yes, but in the very best way. I’m enjoying the ache, believe it or not. How could I not enjoy everything when I’m here with you. Blisters, cold bottoms and all!”

“Well, I can definitely take care of your cold bottom,” Harry purred, the very tip of his tongue flicking out to catch the whipped cream in the corner of Louis’ lip. “I have a few ideas on how that could work.”

“Oh really? Like what?” Louis’ stomach swam with excitement, the fluttering almost too much to bear. Desire quickly set on him on fire, his fingers and toes tingling with static. It felt almost criminal to be turned on in the middle of Disneyland, but he couldn’t stop the rush of blood to his cock when Harry connected their lips.

“Get these cold jeans off you... get you into a hot shower... towel you dry... carry you to bed...,” Harry breathed into Louis’ ear, cold fingers slipping under his scarf and pressing against the hollow of his throat. “Then I thought I’d eat you out until you’re shaking underneath my tongue and begging for mercy.”

“Fuck- Harry!”

“Time to go pudding?” His tongue caught between his teeth as he smiled. Louis couldn’t take his eyes off the glistening muscle, his memory throwing up every time he’d been on the receiving end of its expertise.

“You’re going to have to give me a minute.” Louis pressed his legs together and leant forward to hide the obvious bulge in his jeans. A family chose that exact moment to sit at the next table and he groaned in his throat at the unfortunate timing. Pressing his eyes closed, he attempted to picture anything else but Harry devouring him, but the more he tried the harder it got to move on from it. Harry chuckled softly next to him, knocking their knees together in a show of solidarity.

“Sorry,” he whispered in Louis’ ear, somehow managing to pull funny faces at the baby in the pushchair next to them at the same time. The little boy hadn’t stopped staring at Harry since they sat down; everyone that met him seemed to fall in love on sight.

“Je suis tellement désolée, je pense qu'il aime tes oreilles de Mickey!” The boys mother looked over, an apprehensive smile on her face.

“Pas de problème, il est adorable ! Quel est son nom?”

Louis’ jaw dropped when the fluent French rolled out of Harry’s mouth, the heat still burning in his groin. He’d never really seen the allure of the French accent, always remembering his teacher from school with the coffee breath that could strip wallpaper. But now, hearing it in Harry’s gruff voice, he could see exactly why his sisters always found it so hot.

“Ruben. Et voici ses sœurs, Noémie et Anaïs. Mes trois grands amours.” The woman smiled proudly, gesturing at her children where they sat around the table. The little girls giggled under Harry’s gaze and waggled their fingers at him shyly.

“Vous avez une jolie famille. J'aimerais vous offrir quelque chose à boire à tous, si ça vous convient ? Juste pour répandre la Pixie Dust, tu sais?”

“Vous n'avez pas à faire ça monsieur, honnêtement. C'est gentil mais ce n'est pas nécessaire!”

“J'insiste. Nous devons répandre l'amour comme nous le pouvons.”

“Et bien merci, vous êtes d'une gentillesse exceptionnelle. Je suis Noëlle, quel est votre nom?”

“Harry. Et voici mon mari, Louis.” He listened carefully as the woman rhymed off her order and then turned to Louis. “Back in a minute handsome.”

At the sound of his name, Louis had waved over despite not knowing what Harry was saying about him. He was beginning to wish he’d paid more attention at school. Then again, if his teacher looked like Harry, he had no doubt he would have been fluent by now. Harry walked back over to the service counter and placed the order for the family. He turned back to watch them all, fondness pouring out of him when the girls started to play princesses in their costumes. He caught Louis’ eye, smiling wide and giving a cute wave. Louis was lost, the arousal gone and love blooming in his gut in it’s place. He really was the luckiest man in the world. He was startled out of his daydream by the soft burr of the woman at the next table, her voice tinkling like crystal in his ears.

“Pardon? I’m really sorry, I don’t speak any French.” Embarrassed, Louis felt his cheeks flush red.

“Oh! I’m sorry, Harry is so fluent I assumed you were French! I was just asking if you were, I don’t know the English word, erm... lune de miel... new husbands?”

“Me and Harry?! We’re not married, just boyfriends.” Louis laughed and tried to ignore the way pleasure shot through him at the thought of Harry being his husband. To be able to wake up every day knowing he had married the one person in the world that understood him and loved him despite everything that had happened in his life, that was the goal.

“My mistake. Although Harry called you ‘husband’... maybe he has an idea, hmm?”

“It must have just been a mistake. Definitely not married yet.” Louis played with the edge of his empty cup, hoping that he was pulling off the nonchalant vibe that he was aiming for.

“Maybe. His French is very good though.” The woman smiled over, letting Louis know that he really wasnt doing a good job of hiding how he really felt about being called Harry’s husband.

Just when Louis thought he might explode, Harry made his way back over with a tray of drinks and themed snacks. He deposited them gently on the table in front of Noëlle and the girls flocked back to their mother with squeals of excitement.

“J'ai aussi des friandises, toutes sans noix au cas où vous auriez des allergies. Profitez en bien!”

“Merci, Harry. Tu es un vrai ange. Au revoir, profite du reste du temps avec ton copain.” She raised her eyebrows at Harry, letting him know she had caught him out. “You too Louis, enjoy your holiday darling.”

“Thank you! Goodbye, Noëlle. Hope you and your little ones have an amazing time.” He clambered to his feet, his legs groaning beneath him as the blood flow started to pump through them once more. Harry was back at his side in an instant, taking his arm and steadying him until the sensation passed.

“Hotel?” Throwing his arm around Louis’ shoulder, he threw one last wave at Noëlle and the kids, and started walking in the general direction of the exit.

All of the emotions of the last thirty minutes were mashing together inside of Louis, his body so full of nervous energy that he felt like he was vibrating across the pavement. He was horny, soft, hopeful, confused... he was feeling everything and he needed to release it before it pushed him over the edge.

“Take me home and fuck me until I forget my own name.”

“Get on my back.” The reaction in Harry was instant as he scooped Louis into a piggyback. He ran through Fantasyland and onto Main Street, expertly dodging the obstacles and speeding towards the exit. Louis gripped onto his shoulders, his head thrown back and the swiftly lowering temperature dropping icy kisses on his cheeks. Both men laughed, freedom coursing through their veins. In that minute, they had absolutely everything they ever wanted, and nothing could bring them down.

 

♥

 

Their four day trip flew away from them; a blur of late nights and early mornings, rollercoasters and stage shows, delicious meals and steaming hot chocolate. They had smiled until their cheeks ached, their minds working overtime to capture every memory and keep it safe. Neither of them ever wanted to forget how it had felt to throw caution to the wind and open themselves up to every experience. Their plans to go into Paris for at least one day had quickly been forgotten, the addictive feeling of Disneyland too much for them to walk away from. Instead of the Love Lock Bridge, Louis had herded Harry to the little shop inside the castle and had Disney locks engraved with their names and the date that he’d first opened the door to a gift on his doorstep. The day their epic love story had begun. They had stood over Snow White’s wishing well and fastened their padlocks together, locking them for eternity before kissing the keys and throwing them into the well, both of them wishing for this feeling to last forever. They had spent a fortune on keepsakes, neither of them able to walk away from every single thing that they “just had to have”; eventually Harry had given up trying to convince himself that it would all fit in their cases and had bought a new one. Back at the hotel, it was almost full to the brim with their souvenirs and the start of their Christmas shopping.

“I don’t want to go home in the morning,” Louis whined, leaning into Harry’s side as they waited outside the castle for ‘Disney Dreams of Christmas’ to start. Every five minutes an announcement boomed from the speakers in various languages; Louis still hadn’t recovered from listening to Harry speaking French these last few days and a shiver went through him every time he heard the accent. Unfortunately for him, that had been an extremely regular occurrence. Fortunately for Harry, he had had some of the best sex of his life as a result.

“Me neither baby. Don’t worry, we’ll come back. There’s three other seasons that we need to experience yet.”

“No way, this is a Christmas only thing now. I don’t ever want to see it another way!”

“Yearly Christmas tradition? Few days here, then home to get all the decorations up and watch cheesy films?” Harry opened his coat and beckoned Louis inside of it, wrapping them both up, his chest flush to his boyfriend’s back. The close proximity meant he could bury his face into Louis’ neck, right at the join of his shoulder. Soft and warm, it smelled like home.

“CAN WE! OH MY GOD!” Louis spun to face Harry and kissed him hard, just as all the lights in the park dimmed. The announcement pulsed inside of Harry, stirring up the butterflies that had lived rent free in his stomach since he’d first laid eyes on Louis.

They had saved this show for the last night after hearing how spectacular it was. As the music started, dancing fountains kicked into gear, shooting water hundreds of feet into the air in a rhythmic display. Spotlights crept into the dark crevices of the castle and made the water droplets glisten like glitter. Somehow, the air felt colder, thicker, more insistent in the way it probed for exposed skin and left an exciting bite behind. Even though they were surrounded by thousands of people, the park was in a total hush, and it felt as though all of this was just for them. Louis turned back to face the castle, still wrapped up tight with Harry inside of his coat. As the first projections started, the castle transformed into a Christmas tree that twisted and turned into formation, Louis gasped and his body stiffened as he leaned forward to take in every minute. The light reflected back onto his face, picking out all of his tiny details. The way his lips curved out into a pout, his long eyelashes glistening with unshed tears, hair shaggy and curling out from under his hat. His mouth moved along with music in silent song, his throat quivering with emotion. Harry tried his hardest to watch the extravaganza that was playing out in front of him, but he found his eyes drawn back to Louis every time. He could watch him for a single minute and still find a thousand new things he loved about him; it was cheesy, but when Louis smiled all was right in Harry’s world. The dancing Disney characters and catchy music had given way to classic carols and children from all over the world playing together in a winter wonderland. The lights dimmed, and all the children joined hands for a rendition of ‘Silent Night’. When the sang the word ‘peace’, it was projected onto the castle in dozens of languages. Around them, hoardes of people burst into raptuous applause and cheers; couples kissed and families grouped together to hold hands. In the crowd, strangers smiled at one another; men, women, black, white, religious, athiest, queer, straight... for that moment they were all just human, devoid of labels and societal expectations. Goosebumps sprang up all over Harry’s body and he pulled Louis a little closer, held him a little tighter. This is what life was all about; singular moments that you could never describe to anyone else, you could only feel it with all of your heart. His body vibrated with the bass of thousands of singing voices, all languages melding together to make the perfect melody. His tears fell freely, plinking off his chin and getting lost in Louis’ shoulder. Fireworks cracked into the sky, illuminating the crowd that were now sharing one heartbeat; a Disney medley began, all of the characters appearing back on the castle for the grand finale and the fountains springing back into life.

“H?” Louis said, his voice muffled by the cacophony of sounds around them. When Harry met his eye, he continued on. “You are my peace. My calm. My sorted soul. My safe haven. My whole fucking world.”

There were no words that would ever convey the strength of what he felt, so Harry stayed silent. Tilting his head around, he captured Louis’ lips in a soft kiss; the taste of his tears mixing on their lips and lingering on their tongues. They stayed that way long after the music stopped and the streetlamps glowed bright once more. They held onto each other, lost in the beauty of their own story despite the crowds that jostled and pushed for the exit.

“Holy shit, we’re almost the last ones,” Louis giggled, stretching his neck to work out the kink kissing Harry had given him.

“We just became the digusting PDA couple didn’t we?” Harry laughed, his face completely relaxed and content.

“Sure did pal.” Louis stepped out from inside Harry’s coat and shivered as the cold air hit him. “Home time?”

“One minute. Let’s get a selfie with the castle in the background while there’s no one here. One last one for the scrap book.” He pulled Louis back towards him, spinning them round to get the best angle. “Okay, we’re done. Let’s go.”

Knowing they were heading home the next day, the exhaustion seemed to hit them all at once. Hand in hand, they trudged wearily towards the exit, last minute gifts swinging by their side in carrier bags that knocked against their thighs. They didn’t even talk, comfortable in their silence as they walked towards their hotel. For at least the hundredth time in the last few days, Harry thanked his past self for splashing out on the Disney Hotel that stretched across the park entrance. The close proximity meant no fifteen minute walk back to their room; it doesn’t matter how beautiful Lake Disney is or how big the Koi are that hover close to the surface beneath the bridge, the end of the day was always the hardest walk you would ever do. At the last minute, their nearest and dearest had clubbed together and upgraded their room to the Fairytale Suite, an utterly overindulgent room that neither of them had ever experienced the like of before. Harry smirked to himself, thinking of all the ways they had sullied the good name of that suite. From the four poster bed with automatic drapes, to the marble double bath with surrounding columns and even the floor to ceiling windows with a view of the castle; there was barely any surface that hadn’t had one of them pressed up against it in some state of undress. And he had every intention of crossing a few more off tonight.

They made their way through the quiet hotel reception, a far cry from the chaos of the day that had gone before. Up in the lift, their hands never breaking apart, they finally reached the top floor and made their way along their private corridor. The first time they had seen it, both of them were shook to their core. When you entered the private foyer, Tinkerbell sparkled along the walls and lit up a display case with a huge crystal replica of the castle inside. There were other art pieces around it and a door that led into the bedroom. It really was the kind of thing you would only dream of, and yet here they were, living it. For Louis, it was beyond incredible. He remembered the day he had sat and made his bucket list, ugly sobs ripping from his chest and inhuman cries echoing around his empty flat. If anyone had asked that man if this would be the way he experienced Disneyland; in love, hopeful for the future and with real joy in his heart, he would have laughed them out of his house. As long as his fairytale continued, he would never stop pinching himself.

“I’m going to run us a bath.” Harry dropped their shopping bags into an open suitcase and peeled his coat off his shoulders. He toed off his boots, groaning in pleasure when his aching feet sank into the thick carpet. “Fuck, I think my feet came off with them.”

“I’m going to need three days in bed when we get home,” Louis chimed in, flopping dramatically back onto the bed. The maids had been in while they were out, the tightly pulled sheets creased around his body as he sank deeper into the soft mattress.

“Here, let me help.” Harry crossed the room silently, dropping to his knees at the foot of the bed and gently pulling Louis’ battered Vans from the back of his heels.

“Jesus that feels nice.” Louis flexed his toes, hoping to coax the blood flow back into them. They cracked with every bend, the soft pops making Harry cringe.

“You’re gross Louis Tomlinson,” he laughed. “You know that goes right through me.”

“Sorry baby. Thank you for helping me.” Louis sat up, pulling Harry up off the floor between his legs. He giggled when Harry flopped forward, his strong arms stopping him from landing face first on top of Louis. “Now go and run my bath peasant.”

Harry pushed himself up and turned towards the bathroom. He preened when he felt a smack on his backside, Louis still sat on the bed and looking very proud of himself.

“Excuse me sir, I am not a piece of meat,” Harry exclaimed, faux disgust written all over his face.

“Stop wearing such tight jeans and we won’t have a problem.” Louis winked, and flopped back down onto the bed. “I can’t hear running water yet Harry.”

Shaking his head, Harry dipped into the bathroom and set the taps away. Steam rose from the water and he poured the lavendar scented bubbles they had brought from home under the stream. He would miss this bath; sharing at home was always a bit of a struggle, the tub was too small for even one of them really but they insisted on sharing. Here they both had plenty of room; Harry could fully stretch out his legs even when he was in front of Louis. And there was a lot more space for all the things a hot bath tended to lead to.

Harry felt his cock twitch in his jeans as he thought about all the things he wanted to do to Louis. Reaching for his fly, he pulled his trousers open, giving his quickly growing erection more room. He couldn’t resist slipping his hand into his pants and giving himself a couple of strokes, biting on his hand to keep himself quiet. He imagined Louis in the bedroom, slowly stripping his own clothes off before he followed into the bathroom. He pictured the moon shining through the open curtains, picking out every curve and casting delicious shadow over the downy hair that trailed into his boxer shorts. Harry’s hand quickened, the Louis in his mind slowly shimmying out of his pants, bending over with his pert bottom in the air. He felt like a teenage boy, quietly getting himself off to the image of his crush, desperate not to be caught but almost hoping he would be. It sent a spiral of pleasure into his stomach; the illicit thrill of what he was doing lingering in the air so hot and heavy that he could taste it. He needed to stop, he could feel the familiar heat of an orgasm pulling at the base of his spine. But he was powerless, too far gone to stop even if he wanted to. Harry roughly pushed his trousers down his thighs and waddled over to the basin, leaning heavily with one hand, all the veins in his forearm bulging with the effort. His other hand moved even quicker over his cock, precum bubbling from the tip in a thick stream. He threw his head back, whining quietly in his throat.

“Well, well, well. What is going on here?”

Harry spun wildly, his cock slipping from his hand and standing to attention in front of him. He struggled to find words, the delicious feeling of being caught wanking himself off stealing his voice. Louis’ eyes roved over his face, falling onto his lips and staying there. Harry knew they would be swollen and bitten, the lower lip glistening with saliva where he had sucked it inside his mouth instead of screaming. He let his eyes dip lower, over Harry's fully-clothed chest, down to his thick cock that stayed rock hard, to his jeans that were bunched hastily just above his knees.

“I was thinking about you. You drive me fucking crazy,” Harry spluttered, the authoritative look on Louis’ face pushing his hand back to his length. “I can’t control myself around you Lou.” He moaned as he stroked himself, watching as Louis’ own hand strayed to the bulge in his pants. He palmed himself roughly, a quiet gasp catching in his throat.

“Stop touching yourself. Get over here and touch me.”

Harry didn’t need telling twice. He pulled his legs the rest of his way out of his jeans and crossed the room to his boyfriend, his t-shirt pulled over his head as he went. Without hesitation, he crashed their bodies together, moaning as the line of Louis’ hard dick pressed against his own leaking erection. He circled his hips, grinding them together and calling out like gruffly at the contact. His hand went to Louis’ arse, feverishly trying to get them even closer, his mind clouded with the heat of the moment.

“I’m going to suck your cock so fucking hard.” Harry sank to his knees, his hands dragging over Louis’ skin.

He clawed at the tight boxer shorts, ripping them over shapely thighs so Louis' cock sprang free inches away from his nose. He caught the intoxicating smell; sweet and slightly musky. Opening his jaw wide, he slipped his mouth over the tip, his tongue swirling around it and flicking at the sensitive underside. Harry's hands pulled Louis’ foreskin back gently and his hot mouth slid down to the base. He didn’t care about anything but hearing Louis keen, feeling his knees buckle and knock against his chest. Harry quickened his pace, slurping and licking his way up and down the hard cock that lay heavy against his tongue. He was like a man possessed, hell bent on pulling every last crest out of his boyfriend.

“Harry stop, I’m close. It’s too soon.” Louis pushed his fingers into Harry’s hair, pushing his cock deeper despite his pleas for him to stop. Harry pulled back, letting his lips pop around the head while his hands kept up the pace on Louis’ saliva-slicked shaft.

“Do you really want me to stop baby. I can make you feel so good,” Harry purred, his tongue flicking out to dip into Louis’ slit.

“Jesus...fuck...no. Don’t you dare fucking stop!” Louis pushed roughly at the back of Harry’s head, screaming profanities when his mouth closed around him once more.

Harry knew it wouldn’t take long, Louis was already pulsing in the back of his throat. His legs were trembling, so close to giving way with pleasure. He grasped Louis’ calves in an attempt to steady him and hummed around him.

“I’m going to come. I’m going to fucking come. God, I love you!” Louis’ words gave way to heaving breaths, the low moan building in his chest with every expelled breath. Harry raised one hand, slipping his finger behind Louis’ balls and pressing hard on his perineum.

It was like a switch had been flicked; Louis came hard down Harry’s throats in spurts of hot salt, his grip tightening and nails scratching at his scalp. He cried out, feral and animalistic, his hips thrusting and stuttering to get himself deeper. Harry’s eyes streamed, his lungs almost bursting as he forced a breath out of his nostrils, but still he didn’t stop. He wanted every last drop from Louis. With one final moan, Louis’ legs gave out and he crumpled down onto Harry’s thighs.

“Well done baby, you were so good,” Harry whispered, pressing kisses to Louis’ sticky forehead. “Going to carry you to the bath now.”

Louis didn’t answer, too lost in his post-orgasmic haze. Instead, he looped his arms around Harry’s neck and prepared to be carried. Harry struggled, his calves burning as he lifted both of their body weights but he pushed through, eventually getting to his feet and carrying Louis across the tiled floor. He stepped into the bath, both men sighing in pleasure as they sank into the warm water. It seemed to revive Louis; he settled in the hollow of his open legs and rested his upper arms on his Harry’s thighs. His fingers teased through the coarse hairs and he relaxed back with his eyes closed once more.

“That was something else H. The whole lower half of my body is numb!” Louis tilted his head further back, granting Harry’s insistent mouth access to his neck. “I can see someone is still horny though.”

“Look at you, can you blame me? I love it when you get all cuddly after you come. It’s hot.”

“I could fart down a microphone and you’d still buy the album, eh?”

“I’d get you to double platinum in two days,” Harry laughed.

They took their time, half-heartedly washing each other just so they could keep touching. The soothing aroma of lavender rose up from the water in a fragrant cloud.

“Who has puts the bedtime bath soak in a horny bath?” Harry laughed. “That guy’s a dickhead.”

“I’m living the dream. Amazing day at Disneyland, screaming orgasm and a hot man washing me in a lavender scented bath. What more could I want?”

“I want to make a joke about you wanting my dick, but I’m so tired.” Harry couldn’t believe he’d gone from the edge of coming all over himself to pliant and relaxed in a short space of time. His cock had long since softened and settled against his thigh, the overwhelming urge to touch himself gone. “Louis, am I old?”

“No baby, just in love.”

Thinking it over, Harry realised the Louis was right. In his partying days, there was no way he could have gone to sleep after a session like this. To come so close to the edge, to bring someone off as hard as he did and to not get anything in return... unthinkable. He would have had to finish, even if it was alone over a stranger’s toilet while they slept in the next room. With Louis, it was all so different. There was pleasure in taking care of him; watching him lose his fucking mind when he came and then washing him and caressing his warm skin was enough for Harry. The other stuff could wait until the morning; sleepy sex was always a great start to the day. Every time he thought he had felt everything he could possibly feel for Louis, that he knew everything he could possibly know about their relationship, something else came along and surprised him.

“Well bugger me with the wide end of a ragman’s trumpet... I’m a giver!”

“Bugger you with a what now?!” Louis laughed, turning his head to gawp at Harry.

“Oh it’s something my mum always used to say,” Harry shrugged. “It’s just a yassified way of saying ‘I don’t believe it’.”

“Right.... well go ahead. What do you mean, you’re a giver?” Louis settled back against Harry, enjoying the vibrations that rumbled through his head whenever he spoke.

“Like right now, all I want to do is dry you off, carry you to bed and hold you. I’m happy that you’re happy. There’s no overwhelming urge for me to get mine, your pleasure was enough for me. It’s a strange feeling... but I think I like it.”

“Well... it will be a hardship being on the receiving end of all the orgasms but I am happy to do it. Anything for you baby.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lou. You still owe me one. Just not tonight.”

“Urgh, fine. Let’s just stay here for a bit. Then I’ll let you dry me and take me to bed.”

“Better get your rest. We’ve got a lot to fit in before checkout in the morning.” Harry tweaked Louis’ nipple playfully, then rested his head back on the inflatable pillow that was suckered to the bathside.

They had survived. They had faced hell head on these last few months, battled demons bare-handed and healed their wounds quietly together. They had rediscovered hope and planted the seeds of a new future. They had fallen in love quickly and messily, made mistakes and hurt each other’s feelings. Louis had looked death sqaure in the face and given it the finger. Harry had discovered just how far he would go to protect the people he loved. They were about to celebrate their first Christmas together; a day that Harry had expected to break his heart as he gave Louis the last hurrah he deserved would now be a day full of excitement and laughter. Their loud and lovely blended family causing chaos and raising the roof. Little faces peeking round doors to see if Santa had been, bringing the slumbering magic back to Holmes Chapel when they realised the carrot had been nibbled and the mince pie reduced to crumbs. And when it was all over, Harry and Louis would be charging into a new year together. Their very own blank canvas, pale and stretching endlessly, waiting for colour to bring it to life. They weren’t perfect, and they never would be. But that was okay, better than okay. It was real.

“We’ll be alright,” Harry muttered under his breath, squeezing Louis extra hard as he smiled.

Notes:

Only the prologue to go now my loves! Big thank you to Ju and Elodie for the help with my French. Any mistakes that remain are entirely my own! I love you guys <3

Apologies for any typos or errors, I decided to change it round and add new scenes at 1am when I was editing so I may well have missed a few.

See you all soon for the finale!

Chapter 25: This Year, To Save Me From Tears, I'll Give It Someone Special (EPILOGUE)

Notes:

Well... here it is... the end of an era!

When I tell you I have sobbed writing this. This fic has been my baby for almost five months and I can't believe it's over. I just want to thank every single person who has supported me through writing this. I never would have had the confidence if it wasn't for all my lovely friends and for all of you who read along when this was a WIP and left such beautiful comments and messages here and on Twitter.

I really hope this last chapter is what you all hoped for. It's total fluff (and a tiny bit of smut for science) and now I'm jealous of characters I created myself haha!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
x

In the blink of an eye, Christmas was upon them. The nights were darker, the morning air more biting. Louis had decorated the flat bigger and better than ever before, even though they wouldn’t even be there for the big day. Every room twinkled, a combination of fairy lights and glitter, that somehow stayed on the right side of tacky. He had bought dozens of Christmas scented candles and wax melts, the flat constantly smelling like cookies or mulled spice. At every opportunity, their home hub was purring with Christmas crooners, Louis’ voice rising above them all as he strung yet another set of lights on to anything he could. Harry had always been more of an understated kind of guy, but he had to admit, Louis had a certain touch that just made magic. When he walked through the door every evening, he felt the tension disappear from his shoulders and his tongue drop down from the roof of his mouth. Louis was always there, writing in his journal, addressing Christmas cards, wrapping presents. Always with a smile on his face and excitement at his fingertips. It was contagious. His life had become a Hallmark movie and his Christmas cheer had never been so high.

They had spent long afternoons in London, gathering Christmas presents for their families and finding it impossible to stick to the list they’d made excitedly on their way home from Paris. It went unsaid, but this year was the most special one either of them had ever had. Louis had expected to be spoiling his siblings without an opportunity to stick around and watch them enjoy it. But instead, he had picked presents with the express knowledge that he would be watching from the side-lines as they became a treasured possession for a few months before being forgotten about in a dusty cupboard or corner.

“Louis, I think we have enough,” Harry had laughed, struggling through the aisles of Sephora under the weight of the basket and the shopping they had already paid for.

“I have too many sister’s H, and God forbid Lottie and Fizzie get Sephora and the twins only get Mac. I would be torn limb from limb.” He hadn’t stopped throwing items into the basket after a quick glance, the shop assistant that trailed behind them positively glowing at the thought of her Christmas commission. “Besides, what's the point in all this money sitting in my bank account doing nothing when I have so many people who deserve to be treated?”

“You’re right baby,” Harry had replied lovingly, knowing that anything else he said would be like water off a duck’s back anyway. He’d said nothing more, only offering opinions on shades and fragrances when he was asked. He stuck close to Louis, lips glancing off his temple or his neck; even his shoulder. Anywhere he could reach, he made contact in some way.

“Do you want me to pick some things for Gemma too?” Louis turned to Harry, his hands crammed full of pallets and tubes, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Sure, maybe just a couple of bits for her stocking.” Harry had insisted on buying all the Tomlinson’s stockings to match the ones he, Gemma and Anne had in Holmes Chapel. They were combining traditions this year, making room for another families favourite Christmas moments and creating new ones together. “I’ve got a few other ideas for her main presents.”

They had stopped halfway through their day, sharing a late lunch from the stalls of Leicester Square Christmas market. The darkness was drawing in around them, lowering the temperature and making the pavements glitter with a thin layer of frost. People bustled around the stalls; their faces thrown into theatrical shadows under the warm lights that draped from the trees and shop fronts. Snuggled together around an icy cold metal table, Harry and Louis had shared mulled wine from decorative glass mugs, oversized pretzels drizzled with chocolate cooling on the table in front of them and their shopping nipped tightly between their feet. It felt so right; gloved fingers interlinked and resting on Harry’s thigh, no expectations or need to rush off and the muted sounds of a live brass band playing “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” somewhere in the near distance.

“I thought people who claimed to be this happy were liars,” Louis laughed, dropping his head onto Harry’s shoulder and kissing the rough wool of his coat. “I get it now.” “It’s surreal, right? It feels as natural as breathing, being with you. I almost can’t remember what life was like before you were in it.”

“I imagine it was very dull and unfulfilling. I brought you the drama.”

They laughed together, seeing their entire future reflected in each other’s eyes.

 

♥

 

A week before they were due to leave, Harry agreed to let Margie and her friends at the WI take over Canyon Moon for their Warmer Winter scheme. They’d be opening it up as a community café from Christmas Eve to New Year’s Day, providing free hot meals and drinks for anyone who needed help or a friend. They were going to have volunteers there that could help with benefits and low budgets, free warm clothing and bedding that had been donated and batch-cooked homemade meals that could be bought and taken home for cost price. These women were angels and Harry couldn’t wait to get involved. He had sprung into action the second it had been decided, making Louis promise he would sort thought his cupboards and drawers to find things to donate. They’d spent hours at the wholesalers, filling cardboard boxes with food and ingredients for the café.

“What are you slipping into the trolley now?” Louis has asked, his eyes alight with amusement. Harry was lifting box after box into the second trolley, the first already full.

“Selection boxes. There’s going to be kids right? And for some of them, maybe Santa just isn’t going to get to them this year. They can’t have nothing to open.”

“And erm, who’s going to be wrapping all of these?” Louis tilted his head, delighting in the sheepish expression on his boyfriend’s face.

“I thought you might want to help me,” Harry started, becoming more animated when Louis snorted out loud. “No but listen. I can make it worth your while!” He leaned forward and bit on Louis’ earlobe, his voice pouring filthy scenarios into his ear.

“You have a deal!” Louis exclaimed, turning into the shelves and adjusting the crotch of his jeans. “You gave me a fucking boner in the middle of the shop you randy fucker.”

“Me? I’m not the one with a hard dick in the chocolate aisle on a Sunday afternoon,” he teased, walking away and leaving Louis laughing hysterically to himself.

Margie had been blown away, her eyes filling with tears when Harry and Louis started to carry in the supplies from the car. “My lovely boys, this is just too much.” She had stood to one side of Canyon Moon, keeping out of the way as they carried in box after box and left them on a table to be sorted through.

“Nonsense Gi,” Louis replied, huffing under the weight of a box of canned vegetables. “This was the very least we could do.” He slammed the box down, taking a minute to catch his breath. With every passing day, his joints ached more, the cold weather settling deep in his bones.

“Letting me use this place would have been enough,” she fired back, moving over to look at what she had to work with. “I was really struggling to find a place with everything we needed AND a clean kitchen.”

“That’s all on the boss. I’m quietly confident that he’s actually a pretty nice guy.”

“Well, it won’t matter whose name is on the lease once you’re married.” It was so matter of fact, not said to shock or amuse. Margie didn’t even look up from what she was doing. “Oh, look at all these selection boxes for the kiddies!”

“Once we’re... what was that Margie?” Shock chilled Louis’ insides. He had daydreamed about being married to Harry, had pictured their brood of blue-eyed, curly-haired children. Hell, he’d even pictured them hand in hand walking round a retirement village. But hearing someone else say it, an outsider with a limited knowledge of their relationship, was a genuine shock.

“Married. I’m sorry love, are you not thinking about that yet?” She seemed genuinely concerned that she’d offended Louis, her brows knitting together and her hand halting over the box of groceries.

“Always. I just didn’t think it was that obvious.”

“Louis my darling, if anyone truly appreciates the value of life, it’s you.” She crossed the room to him, the papery skin of her hand coming to rest on his shoulder. “If you love your life, truly love it... don’t waste time. ‘Cos in the end, that’s all life is made of; our time.” She gave his shoulder one final squeeze and moved away, leaving Louis with his thoughts.

The idea of wasting more of his time, their time, took root and unfurled it’s tendrils. They creeped through everything, sprouting like weeds at an unbeatable pace. Harry came back into the café, two boxes stacked one on top of the other in his arms like it was nothing. Louis watched him carefully, enjoying seeing him unaware he was being observed, so natural and beautiful. He was singing along to the radio, dropping the boxes down and surging forward to twirl Margie around the café to ‘Walking In A Winter Wonderland’, his voice exaggeratedly deep and booming. Louis imagined introducing him as his husband, felt the pride in the pit of his stomach where it danced among the permanent butterflies his boyfriend gave him.

 

♥

 

They arrived in Holmes Chapel early on the 23rd of December, setting off from London before the sun had even peeked over the horizon. Louis had been a bundle of excited energy for the last three days, packing and repacking everything for their trip and making sure every present was perfectly wrapped. Harry had loved watching him in his element, the Christmas planner that he had called a ‘must’ permanently tucked under his arm, the calendar marked with stickers and post-its with a perfectly organised schedule and to-do list. Once upon a time, Harry would have thought that so much planning would steal the spontaneity of the season, but he had realised that being able to fit in so much fun with Louis, without the stress of racing around last minute to make plans, had worked perfectly to their advantage.

They had managed to do all the things Harry had wanted since he moved to London, and everything that Louis had been missing the last few years. They had done their Christmas shopping in person, bringing home endless bags and sitting on the floor to wrap everything together, Christmas music in the background and Bailey’s on ice fuelling them on. They had baked Christmas treats for Canyon Moon together, the flat full of warmth and the smell of cinnamon. They’d daubed each other with flour, drawn patterns on each other with icing and drank hot chocolate until they thought they would burst. They had been to Christmas markets and Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, huddled together on the Ferris wheel and kissing all the way down in the blistering cold as the first flakes of snow landed in their hair and eyelashes. They had been ice skating, listened to the Salvation Army band in the cold streets, sat in humidly warm pubs with their friends drunkenly singing “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” on karaoke and sporting wilted paper hats. They’d done Santa Exchange with the rest of the group; a £5 budget burning holes in their pockets as they stormed round the Pound Shop to find the cheapest, nastiest gifts for each other. And then back to Louis’ flat to drink wine and eat Chinese while they swapped gifts. They’d built snowmen and pelted each other with snowballs, taken too many photos of Clifford chasing snowflakes in his Christmas jumper and curled up on the sofa together in matching pyjamas and fluffy socks; it was the ultimate comfort, surrounded by candles and buried under blankets to watch Christmas movies and try and convince each other that they definitely weren’t crying. If Harry had seen it in a film, he would have snorted derisively and called it unrealistic. But here was his boy, making the impossible possible and reigniting his passion for Christmas.

He pulled his car onto the wide driveway, the crunching of gravel under his tires reminding him how it felt to be home. Excitement swirled in stomach like a snowglobe, his eagerness to get out of the car making his parking sloppy. He knew his mum would tell him off for pulling up like a twat later, but right now, all he wanted was to get his arms around her.

The house towered above them, the classic cottage style modernised with fresh white cladding and a large extension with sprawling windows. Behind the house the fields seemed to stretch forever, the snow-covered hills rising like sugar dusted donuts for miles. Clifford started to bark, recognising the location of his little holiday the previous month; he had been spoiled rotten, one of the many pairs of hands ready to pat him at every turn. Harry finally stepped out of the car and took in a deep breath; the cold burned his lungs and made his eyes water. Every time he got out of London, he was shocked by how much cleaner everything felt, that there wasn’t a layer of greasy grime on everything from the congested traffic that lined every street. He missed this and he was happy to be home.

The sound of the front door opening caught his attention, and he whipped his head around; Anne stood in the doorway, still in her dressing gown and hair pulled into a messy ponytail. Her arms opened and Harry couldn’t contain himself; he ran towards his mum, almost barrelling into Louis as he stepped out of the car and stretched his chest wide with a yawn.

“Hello, my darling,” Anne said, wrapping her arms around her youngest child and threading her fingers into his curls. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head, pausing to take in his familiar smell.

“I’ve missed you mum,” Harry replied, the lump in his throat distorting his voice.

“I’m right here now, baby. Hi Louis!” Anne peeled one of her arms from Harry and beckoned Louis into the hug. “How was your drive?”

“He wouldn’t know, he slept most of the way,” Harry joked, curling one of his own arms around Louis, just below his mum’s.

“Well excuse me, Mr Perfect. It was you who decided we needed to be here for breakfast time. 4.30am we set off Anne, FOUR THIRTY! The fact that he laid in bed all night randomly kicking his legs and giggling because he was “so excited” didn’t help my beauty rest either.” He pressed a kiss to Anne’s cheek and detached himself from the hug to release Clifford from the car boot. The dog didn’t hesitate, shooting around the side of the house to run laps of the huge garden.

“You’re welcome!” Louis shouted after him good-naturedly, laughing at the snow that sprayed up behind him.

“You’re just in time, there’s bacon and sausage buns waiting for you both.” Anne herded them both through the front door, her smile so wide that her cheeks ached. Her boys were home for Christmas.

 

♥

 

There wasn’t too much peace to be found when, after a round of raucous barking at the guesthouse doors from Clifford, seven excited Tomlinson's stormed Anne’s kitchen and insisted on covering Harry and Louis in kisses and cuddles. It was a reunion you might expect for someone who had been away for months rather than a few weeks, but the immaculately positive vibes that they were ending their year on were intoxicating, love spilling from every pore.

It was a break in tradition for Harry and Anne, used to quiet Christmas’ filled with board games and the Queen’s speech, but it was one they both loved and couldn’t wait to throw themselves into. Harry watched fondly as Louis tried to finish his breakfast, Doris on one knee and Ernie on the other, and laughed when he turned his head to speak to Fizzy and two little mouths started taking bites from his sandwich.

“You need a hand mum?” Harry looked over to Anne; she was standing in front of the Aga, all the burners blazing as she knocked up sandwiches at a rate of knots. Jay was next to her, buttering buns and squirting sauce on each one to order of whichever hungry hands reached her first. They were both beaming from ear to ear, sweat lightly sheening their brows from the heat of the cooker and all the buzzing bodies that filed around.

“No baby, you stay put. You’ve had a long drive. Me and Jay can handle it.” She smiled over her shoulder, turning back to flick bacon onto a plate to drain the grease.

The noise reached a crescendo, the murmur of multiple conversations overlapping until it was just white noise. The back door creaked and a voice could be heard cursing from outside before the heavy thud of a boot sounded at the very bottom where the barn-style door swelled in the winter.

“There better be some brekkie for me!” Gemma stood in the doorway, her arms full of carefully wrapped presents and snow dusting her bobble hat.

“Gem!” Harry shot up from the table, running over to his sister and wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“Let me put these presents down nerd and I’ll give you a proper hug.” She wriggled away from him, dropping the gifts onto a spare piece of worktop. “Right, now come here!”

They wrapped around each other, two younger, slightly diluted versions of their mother. Their sibling rivalry that brewed from growing up with a single parent had mellowed in adulthood, the distance creating a deeper need to make the most of each other whenever they got the chance.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Harry murmured, his voice muffled in the folds of Gemma’s coat.

“Yes, well someone has been keeping you so busy that you haven’t had time for your old sister.” Gemma smiled at Louis over Harry’s shoulder, beckoning him over with one hand that she quickly put back around her brother’s neck. “Come here Louis, I appear to have a limpet restricting my movement.”

Louis got up, gently putting Doris and Ernie down on their feet, and walked towards the duo, the nerves fluttering in his stomach. This was his first time meeting Gemma and he was desperate to get it right. Her approval was important to Harry; anyone who didn’t get on with his sister would have a massive black mark against their name. It didn’t matter how many times Harry had reassured him that he would be a hit with his sassy, sarcastic older sister, Louis was terrified that this would be their first and last Christmas together if it didn’t go well.

“Sorry I kept him away for so long,” Louis said, laughing under his breath at Gemma as she peeled Harry off her front.

“Don’t be! To be quite honest, I’m just pleased someone else has had to put up with his tragic love songs and constant whinging.” She smiled wide, dragging Louis into a hug and holding him tightly, like she’d known him all her life. “Thank you for making my little brother so sickeningly happy,” she whispered in his ear, and Louis felt his insides flood with warmth. He had been accepted.

 

♥

 

Louis was woken the next morning to Harry kissing his way down his body, pausing every couple of seconds to suck a love bite into his warm skin. Eyes still half-closed, he moaned and felt around under the thick duvet for his boyfriend, the rising desire urging him to get his hands on him. He was euphoric, his dreams from the night before still playing in his mind and leaving him in a state of pleasant confusion.

Harry’s tongue snaked out and rolled around his tip, slamming him into wakefulness with a spike of white-hot desire.

“You’re teasing me,” he whined, his hips bucking up in search of plump lips and the wet warmth of Harry’s mouth. “And on my birthday, for shame!” His hands searched around again, finally wrapping around the nape of Harry’s neck and tangling in the loose tendrils of his hair.

“You’d better stay quiet then, or I’ll stop altogether. We don’t need my mum hearing your cum noises.” Harry peeked out from under his childhood duvet; it framed his face on both sides and cast shadows over his naked body.

“You’d actually need to make me cum for that Harold,” Louis sassed playfully, knowing exactly what effect it would have on Harry.

“Right,” he growled, pulling the duvet back over his head forcefully and getting to work on giving Louis the best birthday blowjob he’d ever had.

Within seconds Louis was coming undone, driven insane by the sensation of Harry mouthing at his inner thighs, working up to the crease of his leg and breathing hot over his balls. The broad flat of his tongue painted a stripe from his taint to the base of his shaft and he shivered; the entirety of his body breaking into goosebumps. A skilful hand wrapped around his cock, lifting it from where it throbbed against his stomach. Harry had licked his palm, the slightly cooling saliva helping him glide up and down Louis, his mouth still working hard. He sucked one of Louis’ balls into his mouth and swirled his tongue over it before he moved over to the next.

“FUCK ME!” Louis couldn’t help but call out, the pleasure almost too much to bear. He forced a hand over his own mouth, his whines muffled as his whole body writhed.

Harry’s fingers pressed hard into his hipbones, anchoring him to the bed and sending delicious pain careering through him. Being held down like this, when he was so desperate to grind up and chase his orgasm was a major turn on for Louis. He bucked and flailed like a man possessed, the urgent need to be in Harry’s mouth taking control of his senses. He was seeing stars behind his eyelids, a kaleidoscope of colour bursting like fireworks. His head felt like it was vibrating and when Harry’s tongue slid lower, grazing his arsehole, his whole world shifted. He teased around Louis’ rim, every lick feather light and addictive. Without warning, his tongue pushed inside and Louis went limp, submitting to the delicious jumble of sensations that crashed over him like rogue waves in a storm. His hands knotted in the bed sheets, damp with perspiration beneath his back, and he keened like an injured animal. When Harry slid out of him and closed his mouth around his head, his entire body jolted off the mattress. He could feel the build of his orgasm, insistent and fiery at the very pit of his stomach, when Harry finally released his grip and let him buck up into his throat.

It was these moments, when their sweaty bodies were fitted together like puzzle pieces, that Louis felt the most. Not because of the sex, no matter how mind-blowing it may be, but because of the connection. The fusion of their souls when they laid bare and vulnerable like this was unmeasured. Every sense was heightened, and they were completely tuned into each other with no distractions or stresses. It was just them, their reality distorted in the heat of the moment, and nothing could compare. When Louis came, with an intensity he had only ever imagined, it was with whispers of love and adoration for Harry and his heart almost bursting out of his chest. He finally understood what all those love songs were about.

 

♥

 

It had been almost expected, Jay never one to miss an opportunity to spoil her children, when Louis had entered the warm kitchen to a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ from all his favourite people in the world. Amongst the colourful clash of balloons and homemade banners, Harry had beamed, his arms slung around Louis’ siblings like he’d been there all their lives. The presents were piled high on the table, shoddily wrapped parcels of an indiscernible shape standing proud with perfectly shrouded boxes and bags tied with rainbow ribbons. Since he had reached adulthood, Louis had always asked that his birthday be kept as lowkey as possible; he understood now how much his mum must have struggled to make his birthday special when they were all growing up and money was in short supply. It seemed that this year no one had gotten the message and, while they tucked into pancakes and endless cups of Italian coffee, Louis tore through the paper with childlike excitement.

Every present brought gasps of delight; first editions of his favourite books, vinyls from his favourite singers, notebooks and pens that glided over the expensive paper. When he got to Harry’s, recognisable by its wrapping from the days of the doorstep mystery, Louis felt his nerves kick into gear, wondering what his wonderful human would have pulled out of the bag this time.

“It’s erm, it’s nothing massive. I wanted to save the best gifts for tomorrow,” Harry said bashfully, his hands clenching in and out anxiously.

“Oh hush, I’m sure I’ll love everything you’ve...” Louis went silent as he pulled his gift out of the bag, ribbons of glittery paper falling into his lap. “Oh Harry...”

“Open it up,” he replied softly, moving around the table to sit next to Louis.

In his hands Louis held a tan leather journal, “Our Adventure Book” scribed across the front in flowing letters. Around it, Harry had drawn love hearts and stars, outlined in black and stark against the cover. “I took a calligraphy class online.” He beamed proudly and across the table Gemma made a retching sound, looking outraged when Anne nudged her sharply in the back.

Louis took a moment, savouring the way the pages felt stiff with glue and the spine stretched around whatever secrets the book held. Gingerly, he opened the first page and choked back a sob as he read the opening note.

“My dearest, darling Louis, Happy Birthday! There are a million things I want to say to you and a million things that I can’t find the words to convey. When I first left that rock on your doorstep, I thought that just maybe I could brighten your day. Of course, I had noticed your beauty, never dulled by the sad expression you wore so well. And I could feel the goodness in your heart, so powerful that even in your darkest hour it shone. But I never dreamed that you would turn my whole world upside down. You have made me a better man; more conscientious and understanding, more hopeful and free-spirited, more attentive and present. I am the best version of myself, the man I wanted to be, and that is because of you. The me that I am right now is yours, always. I think that even if you had never loved me back, I would have been gone for you, just because of who you are. We have experienced so much love and laughter together already. We have made a home between us that has nothing to do with bricks and mortar but with the way we make each other feel every minute of the day. And no matter where we go, what we do, or what happens, I will never regret loving you for a single second. So let’s make every day a celebration of what we found, what we have and what is still to come. Let's pour ourselves into these pages and cherish the greatest love story ever written; ours. I love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow. My one and only. Unashamedly and utterly yours, H x”

“Erm Harry... I think you broke your boyfriend,” Gemma said, reaching over the table to hand Louis a tissue.

He sat completely still as the tears fell, unable to process the depth of his feelings. Harry’s words had captured them so brilliantly; they screamed of a love that knew no limits, a love that could conquer anything that life could throw at them. It was corny, but he truly had saved Louis and somehow, he had fallen in love with all the broken pieces that went together to make a whole man. Without a word Louis leaned into him, capturing him in a confident kiss.

“Oh my God, get a room!” Daisy shrieked and clapped her hands over her eyes. Fizzy snorted and quickly tried to cover it, her shaking shoulders setting Lottie into giggles.

Their families fitted perfectly in their story, chaotic in the very best way.

“Keep reading baby,” Harry whispered.

Louis flicked through the pages of how they met, photographs and mementos glued firmly in place to illustrate their story. There were pictures from their dates, smiling selfies and scenery taking Louis right back to the moment they were took. Their friend’s faces smiled back at him; Niall next to a cow with his thumbs thrust in the air and a cheesy grin, Nick in his makeshift crop top screeching into a microphone, Liam outside of Canyon Moon with Alba raised above his head in the sunshine. Their families were there too, group photos with too many kids to count and both of them crammed on the sofa with their mums smiling broadly over their shoulders. Cinema stubs and train tickets, seashells and dried flowers, annotations and anecdotes; Harry hadn’t missed a thing. About a quarter of the way through, the memories stopped and in more flowing script, Harry had written “The End... or is it?”.

“I want us to fill it up. I had so much fun working through your list, and I thought that maybe it didn’t have to end? We could make a new one together, hell, we could make a new one every year! There is no one I’d rather make memories with, Louis.”

“You’ve got a deal.” Louis grinned back at Harry, a thousand ideas already swirling inside of his brain. They could travel, do extreme sports, plan activities with their friends. There was no limit to what they could do as long as they had each other.

 

♥

 

Louis’ birthday went exactly as he would have wanted it to. After breakfast everyone bundled up warm and ran out into Anne’s garden. It felt as though it stretched for miles, the acres of sprawling fields behind the house reaching beyond the horizon. Everything was dusted in powdery snow, untouched and crisp when it crunched under their boots. Louis wasn’t sure who threw the first snowball but before he knew it, war was declared. There was nowhere to turn, missiles flying in every direction no matter how fast he ran. Doris and Ernie squealed with excitement, unsure of where to go or what to do. They ended up spinning in circles, their laughter filling the air when Clifford darted between them, his jaw snacking at the snow that had kept falling since the night before. Louis spotted Harry a few feet away, captivated in the moment and watching their big, blended family with stars in his eyes. He took his opportunity, creeping up behind him exaggeratedly and stuffing handfuls of snow down the back of his trousers.

“YOU LITTLE FUCKER!” he roared, snapping around and rugby tackling Louis to ground.

His coat rode up and the icy ground stung the skin of his lower back. But they were too busy laughing for Louis to care. They rolled around like wrestlers, fighting to get the better of each other and scrubbing snow into any place they could reach. It was so freeing to just act like children, to get wet and messy and not care about how they looked. Just when Louis thought he was winning, the ground started to thunder. From his position on top of Harry, his legs straddled and his hands furiously rubbing snow into the warmth of his scalp, Louis turned his head and seven gleeful faces approaching him at speed. There was no time to react, Fizzy slamming into him first and knocking him to the ground. The rest of them piled on, Gemma’s wicked laugh dominating the buzz of voices and sparking a deep chuckle from the bottom of Louis’ lungs. He was winded, he was cold, and he was wet. But he was deliriously happy.

When everyone started to shiver, their clothes slick to their bodies with quickly melting snow, they filed back inside with chattering teeth. Coats and scarves were peeled off and hung to dry in the utility room, the warm air that blasted from the dryer making all of them crave dry clothes. They split off to get changed, Anne and Jay already stirring huge pans of hot chocolate and releasing tantalising smells into the air.

Adorned in jogging bottoms and baggy sweatshirts, they all reconvened in the family room. They piled onto the sofas, wrapping themselves in blankets and plumping cushions in the most comfortable positions. There was room for everyone but still they clustered together, limbs tangled as they blew on their steaming mugs. Anne switched on the tree lights and closed the curtains; in the fireplace candles burned, all different shapes and sizes clustered together and steadily dripping wax. No one fought over the television remote, all too relaxed and content to care what they were watching, as long as they were together. There wasn’t even the usual bickering amongst the siblings; it seemed that everyone knew how important this family time was and how different it could have been if Louis had not found the strength to rebuild himself. They stayed that way for the whole afternoon, making their way through both Home Alone films and dozing through The Holiday.

Louis laid between Harry’s legs; his back pressed against the firmness of his chest. Harry’s arms draped over Louis shoulders; their hands linked together and legs crossed over one another. Out of the entire family, Louis was the only one who remained awake, although his eyelids fluttered dangerously every few seconds. He didn’t want to sleep, he wanted to soak up every single second. He was soothed by the gentle snuffles and deep breathing all around him, the light around the curtains dimming with every passing minute.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Harry chuntered sleepily from behind him.

“I was just thinking about how fucking lucky I am,” Louis replied, taking the opportunity to burrow deeper into the warmth of his boyfriend’s body. “This is the best birthday I’ve ever had. Who needs fancy restaurants or surprise parties when I have all of you guys snoring in my ears?”

“Heeeeeeyyyyyy,” Harry replied, drawing the word out languidly. “I don’t snore.”

“You sure about that Styles?” Louis sassed, craning his neck to look back at him.

“Positive. Actually I was dreaming I was a tractor. So I think you should take that back!”

“You are, without a doubt, the biggest geek I know.”

“But you love me.”

“Endlessly.” Louis took the opportunity to squeeze Harry’s hands tighter and settled his cheek into the warm folds of his t-shirt instead of turning back around. “I had no idea I could feel like this. I love you so much that I could never describe it.” Fingers still linked, he lifted their hands up to his mouth and planted a lingering kiss on Harry’s knuckles.

“Lou?”

“Uh huh?”

“Take a walk with me?”

 

♥

 

They pulled the door closed quietly behind them and set off across the drive hand in hand. The moon had slipped out from behind the snow clouds and every thing was bathed in shimmering silver light. The shadows deepened, hiding entire corners of the landscape in darkness that went on forever. Clifford trotted eagerly at their side, his nose twitching as he caught the scent of rabbits and moles on the gentle winter breeze. Harry led them out of the gate and across the narrow road, dipping into the dense woodland opposite his mother’s house. The ground remained smooth under their feet and Louis assumed it was some kind of path, his vision only stretching a couple of yards ahead of where they walked.

“Harry...this is is really fucking creepy. How do we know we’re going the right way?”

“You’re safe Lou. I’ve been coming down here since I was a little lad. Just keep going straight and we’ll be fine.”

Louis thought about the note they’d left on the dining table, explaining they had headed out for a walk. He wondered how long it would take before anyone started to worry? Would they just assume the boys were out having some quality couple time? Would they start to worry when their dinner was congealing on plates in the warmer? Or would it be when all the little ones were bathed and in their pyjamas? Would they put out the mince pie and milk for Santa, wondering all the time how long it would before Harry and Louis came back? His mind whirred, picturing his family waking up excited on Christmas morning and realising their bed was unslept in. He dreamed up headlines and wondered which picture they would put on the news. Just as he was picking which song would play at his funeral, he noticed light starting to pick it’s way through the trees again, the thick leaves spreading out to let it through.

“Here we are,” Harry said proudly, pulling them to a halt at the edge of the path.

Clifford ran on ahead, circling the clearing with his nose to the ground.

“Wow! Harry it’s beautiful!”

They stood in the empty circle, the trees forming a border around them. Icicles hung haphazardly from the trees, clinging even to the smallest of branches and swaying in the breeze. The moon was high, the entire clearing illuminated in a showcase of nature. Louis broke away from Harry, running his hands over the old, gnarled trunks that still stood strong after years of surviving every season. The bark glittered with frost and snow dropped sporadically from above his head.

“I used to come here with my friends in all weather,” Harry’s voice broke the silence and Louis turned to watch him circle nostalgically. “Had my first kiss with a girl on that stump over there. Didn’t like it much though.” He laughed and continued to move around, forgotten moments surfacing at every turn. “I threw up in this bush here after my first night drinking vodka. We set a tent up over there for a camp out and then changed our minds and ran through the dark back to my house at 2am. You see that little gap there? Five steps in and you’ve reached the boy’s toilet. And the gap slightly to the right? That’s the girls.”

“Sounds like this place was pretty important to you growing up.” Louis loved seeing Harry like this, lost in his own head amongst his most treasured memories.

“It was everything. When we came here it was like the rest of the world didn’t exist. The days went on forever and we were free to just be kids. Now, I get to bring you here. I can show the echoes of little Harry just what he’s got to look forward to. And reassure him that even though he has to grow up, there’s something really fucking special waiting for him when he does.”

They took a minute to just look at each other, to bask in the feeling of right there and then and tuck it away to keep forever. Harry walked the short distance back to Louis and pulled him into an embrace. “This isn’t everything I wanted to show you. See that other little gap over there?” He pointed to an archway made entirely naturally where the trees bent together at the top. “You can get to the river that way. Come on.”

He set off, pulling Louis slightly behind him. He let out a long whistle and Clifford came storming out of the trees, his curly black coat dusted in snow from his exploration of the undergrowth.

“This way lad,” Louis called, laughing at the overgrown puppy that blazed past him, panting and whining with excitement. “I think you’ve overstimulated my poor dog.”

“He certainly seems to be settling into his role as pet and chief of the Good Boys.”

“Retirement suits him, the little shit.”

Clifford had reached the end of the path and stood sentry, barking at Harry and Louis as they drew closer.

“We’re coming you dickhead!” Louis shouted, shaking his head in disbelief.

They broke into another clearing, this one stretching miles in either direction. Directly in front of them, a massive river glimmered under the moon. Gentle waves sloshed on the surface and somewhere in the distance, Louis could hear running water.

“There’s a little natural waterfall over there,” Harry explained, casting his hand in the general direction. “We’d be better coming to that when there’s daylight, you have to hop across a few stones and it’s pretty slippery. It’ll be almost totally frozen over by now, so beautiful.”

“Why did you ever want to move to London when you had all of this around you? It’s so peaceful.” Louis spread his arms wide and tipped his head back to the sky.

It was thick black velvet, the stars tiny pinpricks in the fabric that let the smallest amount of light through. The clouds had almost completely cleared, and the temperature started to drop again.

“There’s only so much you can do here. And I wanted to bake. Barbara at our local bakery would have had me forever but I wanted more. Holmes Chapel couldn’t offer me that. I considered heading to Manchester for the longest time but something about London just kept pulling me back. Fate, I’d say.” Harry smiled and then flicked his eyes down to his watch. “Shit, come on.”

He grabbed Louis’ hand and took off in a run; they snow packed under their feet and the effort of staying upright made their thighs burn. Louis panted, not used to the physical exertion of running anymore; his lungs were burning with every gulp of arctic air and he prayed to God they didn’t have far to go.

“Just up here baby,” Harry soothed, noticing that Louis was starting to flag.

“You should have told me I’d need a bloody Sherpa!” Louis sassed, reaching out to grab onto Harry’s sleeve and be pulled along.

“It’s worth it, I swear!” Louis huffed, his breath pluming in the air in front of his face.It was getting darker again, the moon no longer directly above them. He couldn’t see more than 6 feet ahead but he could hear Clifford’s claws clacking over something wooden. As the thought cleared in his mind, Louis spotted a low roof that climbed to a soft point; it was coated with thick layers of snow, reminiscent of the gingerbread houses he had made with his siblings earlier. A simple frame ran beneath it, like a shed frame with no walls and, halfway up the poles at the front, a twisted metal fence protected whoever entered from stepping straight into the river.

“Oh my God, H! It’s like something from Hansel and Gretal!”

Pepped up, Louis started to walk faster, desperate to take a better look. Harry hung back and let Louis race ahead, a smug smile curling the ends of his mouth.

“OH MY GOD THAT’S A VIEWING PLATFORM!”

Finally, Harry jogged the last couple of feet to catch up. The back of the hut was ground level, just a small step up to the main room. Wooden benches lined the walls and a small island next to the door served it’s purpose as a makeshift table. Around the roof, small porthole windows allowed just enough light in to stop visitors from breaking their neck. Harry’s winter boots boomed over the creaking boards; Louis was already out on the platform with Clifford. He was turned to the side, his perfect profile picked out in the moonlight. Harry could see his jaw hanging low, wonderful awe dictating his expressions. As the hut progressed forward, the ground gave way to the riverbank and eventually, the water. The platform itself was completely over the river, held up with stilts that reared out of the brackish depths; if you stood there long enough with your head up and your back to the hut, it felt like you were walking on water.

“This is just...” Louis fumbled around for the right words, his eyes never leaving the sky. Harry closed the gap, wrapping himself around the smaller man and nestling close to his neck. He smelled like Louis with a hint of Holmes Chapel and Harry was drunk on it.

“Breathtaking,” Harry helped; his own gaze fixed on Louis’ beautiful face.

He didn’t know himself what he was describing, too lost in the moment and the way the moon danced over the elfin slopes and crests of his boyfriend’s face.

“I feel like Jesus,” Louis whispered, and Harry couldn’t help but let out a snort. “What?!” “Don’t laugh you prick,” Louis slapped at Harry’s arm around his waist, his own voice raising with a retained laugh. “It’s just... I can’t feel the boards under my feet and I can’t sense the hut behind me... I feel like I’m out on the water, just standing there.”

“I get it baby, believe me. What do you think of the view?”

“I feel so small,” Louis whispered.

Devoid of any natural light, the sky above them stretched on for aeons. The moon hung low and full, outnumbered by the shimmering sprinkle of millions of stars; they were separate entities but joined united in their mission to illuminate the void of the winter night sky. They watched on as the last dregs of daylight died at the very edges of the horizon.

“Thank you for bringing me here, Harry. It’s so special.”

“I try to come here every single time I’m home. It holds a lot of memories for me... well for everyone in Holmes really. This is where Rae told Liam she was pregnant believe it or not.” Harry craned his neck, nostalgia warming his bones. “If these walls could talk...”

“This wouldn’t last two minutes in Donny,” Louis shivered and snuggled further back into Harry, stealing the warmth from his chest. “It would be covered in graffiti and set on fire before the ground had chance to settle. Kind of sad really, that no one can appreciate something nice without destroying it.”

The remark felt loaded, and Harry didn’t know how to respond. He let the moment hang, giving Louis the space to sit with his feelings. He tightened their embrace, showing his support without encroaching on what was obviously an important reflection. They stood together, breathing each other in while their heartbeats synchronised, no words needed for either of them to know just how loved they were.

“It belongs to the big house over there.” Harry broke the silence, his voice cracking slightly, He reached over Louis’ shoulder to direct his gaze. “The guy that lives there is kind of like Holmes Chapel royalty; he isn’t anyone officially important, but his family has been

here generations. Most of this land is his but he lets people enjoy it. Just as long as we stay respectful, he won’t ever put up a fence.” “Wow. What a genuinely nice man. It’s rare nowadays.”

“If you look closely over there,” Harry gently tilted Louis’ chin in the direction he was pointing, “you might just be able to see the light on in his attic.”

At exactly the right minute, the sky exploded with colour, the delayed boom of the fireworks hitting them a few seconds later. Louis gasped and reached for Harry’s hands; his expression had become serene as they soaked up the tranquillity of the lake and now, he was agog with excitement and child-like wonder. All around them the sky pulsed with glittering bursts, each firework shooting high into the air before coiling and spiralling over themselves and tumbling to the ground. Louis barely breathed; his head thrown back onto Harry’s shoulder and the words he had been about to speak stuck in his throat.

“Happy Christmas Louis,” Harry murmured, his lips pressing against the smooth expanse of skin at the top of his jaw. His cold nose pressed against the back of Louis’ ear and sent a shiver through the other man; a delicious mix of excitement and happiness.

“Happy Christmas Harry.”

 

♥

 

Christmas Day dawned early for both families the next day; Doris and Ernest burst into the main house at just past 5am, running from room to room screaming for everyone to wake up, Santa had been! Louis had groaned and attempted to pull the duvet over his head and cling onto the warmth he and Harry had generated through the night. For Harry, it had been years since he got to enjoy Christmas through the eyes of children. He was instantly awake, swinging his legs out of bed and sliding into his pyjamas. His entire body buzzed with adrenaline, the excited shrieks outside the door spurring him on. He could hear Clifford running behind the twins, excited yips escaping from the overgrown puppy. When it became apparent that nothing he said was going to wake Louis, he threw the bedroom door open and beckoned the twins in to jump on top of him until he gave up the fight.

“RIIIGGGHHHTTT YOU FERAL CREATURES!” Louis had roared, springing up with no warning and capturing a twin under each arm. “I’m up! I’m up! I’m up!”

“He’s been Boo, he’s been!” Doris stuttered, her bottom lip quivering in overwhelming joy. “There’s presents Boo!”

“Just let me have a wee kiddos, and we’ll go back over to the barn.”

The twins groaned as Louis forced his feet into his slippers and deliberately took his time stretching. Harry was transported back to 90’s Christmases; sitting at the top of the stairs with Gemma while they waited for Anne to pull herself together. No one went downstairs alone; it was the unwritten rule. It felt like the longest five minutes of their lives, the edge of the stairs digging into the back of their thighs and the smell of pure excitement wafting up the stairs on a cold breeze.

They had eventually made it back over to the guesthouse where the rest of the Tomlinson’s sat on the sofa in various states of disarray. Jay was the only one who seemed fully alert, her eyes sparkling the way only a mother’s can as her smallest babies barrelled into the carefully wrapped gifts under the trees. The older girls worked their way through their own presents, quietly thanking their mum after every one and regularly stopping to watch their siblings with proud expressions. Louis and Harry unwrapped almost identical throws made with love by the older girls; Louis’s was blue and Harry’s was green and each was swirled with the opposite colour. It made Harry warm and fuzzy to receive his first homemade gift, like he really had been made into a member of the family. Anne handed her gifts around and Gemma sat in the background, drowning in her sweatshirt with the hood pulled tight around her face and a cup of coffee glued to her hand. Like Louis, she wasn’t a morning person but Harry could see in her eyes that she was transported back to childhood. It was impossible to escape that magic; when you spent Christmas with children the spirit wrapped it’s away around you.

Harry had disappeared off to his mother’s bedroom, coming back with a Santa sack for Louis, carefully embroidered with his initials. He had already unwrapped his stocking fillers, genuinely excited by the socks and niche gadgets that Harry had trawled the most random websites to find. His favourite gift had been a “Grow Your Own Hairy Beaver” kit; the sight of the pop sock stuffed with sawdust and seeds and sporting googly eyes had him wheezing with laughter and it had sat next to him ever since. For his main present, Harry had made a huge hamper for his bedroom. They had finally decided it was time to make it a haven instead of a prison and he had listened carefully to every idea that had passed Louis’ lips. He’d bought all new bedding, candles, throws, cushions; he had sneakily added a coffee pod machine to sit on the bedside table for the days they lost themselves under the covers for hours on end. He added in strip lights and a neon wall sign, prints of some of Louis’ favourite art and framed pictures of them together. When Louis' hand hovered over a black velvet drawstring bag, Harry cleared his throat and shook his head quickly. His cheeks reddened as he imagined their families seeing the adult gifts he had packed into the bag.

Gemma noticed and muttered, "For fucks sake, it’s the baby Jesus’ birthday Harry!” as she stood to get another cup of coffee.

“Harry... baby... I’m so sorry. I messed up.” Louis looked at him with doe eyes, his fingers fiddling with the bottom of his tacky Christmas jumper. “I forgot your present. It’s still at the flat. I am so, so sorry. I feel like I’ve ruined your day.” He reached out for his boyfriend, pressing soft kisses along the line of his jaw.

“Hey, c’mon Lou. It doesn’t matter. I can open them in a couple of days when we get back. Don’t sweat it.” Harry tried to keep his tone light, but he hadn’t been quick enough to stop his face from drooping in disappointment.

“Louis! What an arsehole!” Lottie snuggled into Harry’s side, ducking under his arm that lifted naturally to accommodate her. “You preach on about that stupid Christmas planner and you manage to forget the most important thing!”

“Okay Lottie, thanks for the guilt trip,” Louis spat between gritted teeth. Trust his own siblings to call him out on his carelessness.

“Honestly. Louis. It doesn’t matter. I had my stocking still. And this way I get another Christmas when we get back. Maybe we could have the lads round, do a roast?”

“Sounds perfect.” Louis couldn’t look Harry in the eye; he had managed to pull himself round, but his beautiful green eyes watered slightly, and Louis couldn’t bear it. “I really am so sorry Harry.”

“It doesn’t matter. I have you. I have our family. That’s what Christmas is about anyway. And if you really want to make it up to me... that’s what the black velvet bag is for,” he purred, letting his hand run over Louis’ chest and graze over the bulge in his jeans as he walked away.

 

♥

 

They had gone back over to the house as one unit a couple of hours later, all making the decision to stay in their pyjamas and have a lazy, cosy Christmas. They bustled around the kitchen, sharing out the duties of making Christmas dinner and singing along loudly to the CD that Anne had played every year since her own kids were little. It was rammed full of classics, songs everyone knew the words too no matter how young or old.

The Aga burned away in the corner, the smell of crisping meat and perfectly seasoned stuffing filling the air and setting mouths watering. At some point, someone had broken out the Baileys and they were all on their way to tipsy by 2pm. The younger ones rolled their eyes and tried to sneak sips from the class, the clinking ice giving them away every time. When Jay wasn’t looking, Louis sent Daisy and Phoebe into the living room to play with the younger twins, forcing small glasses of the creamy liqueur into their hands and shoving them out of sight. He winked at Harry when he caught him watching and then walked straight back over to his mum, whistling Shaking Stevens like the picture of innocence.

They sat around the table, all eleven faces beaming with a shared sense of festivity. Dinner had taken longer than anticipated and outside the world was dimming. The outdoor lights were triggered, and Anne’s home illuminated in a quick flash. The snow had started to fall again and the flakes danced through the beams of lights that flashed over the grass. For an outsider looking in, it appeared to be the perfect family Christmas. The older kids were helping dish out to the younger ones, both strapped in their highchairs clutching new toys like they’d be taken away any minute. Now That’s What I Call Christmas was playing through for the umpteenth time, but no one cared, still singing just as loudly as they had the first time. Anne and Jay were seated at opposite ends of the table, both stood up and directing the children as they carved meat and dropped fluffy Yorkshire puddings onto outstretched plates. Someone left the table to fetch the mint sauce that had been abandoned in the kitchen, someone else got up straight after to get the gravy. Clifford circled the table, pausing to snaffle meat from a discreet hand at the side of the chair and the oldest siblings poured double measures into each other’s glasses and teased one another when they tried to escape the lengthy pour. The Aga still pumped out heat in the next room, the warm draught making it’s way through the house; in the corner, the Christmas tree glowed and flickered as the fairy lights chased each other through the sequence. It was the kind of holiday season most people only ever saw in films; no fighting and bickering, no awkward in-laws or need to rush from house to house. They could all just be together, relaxed and comfortable and not under pressure to behave a certain way. There is a freedom that comes from just being yourself, and Louis had never felt more loved and accepted in such a big group of people. This would have been the perfect last Christmas, but it was a much better first.

 

♥

 

Louis walked into the living room and shook the snow out of his hair. He had spent half an hour in the garden letting Doris and Ernie chase Clifford through the calf-deep drifts. Frankly, all three of them had needed tiring out before bed and the fresh air seemed to have done the trick. They ran towards Jay, curling round her warm body, their thumbs already in their mouths and eyes fixed on the soothing flames behind the glass of the log burner. The room was pleasantly dim, side lamps and fairy lights the only source of light.

“Are you seriously okay with him forgetting your present, Haz?” Gemma had her back to him, her voice deliberately low. Harry was stood to her left, a petulant look on his face as he rolled his eyes at his sister. To Gemma’s right, Anne hovered, her eyes flickering between her kids.

“Gemma, give it a rest. Harry has said he isn’t upset, so just let it go. You still got all your presents!”

“Gem, I know you’re looking out for me but seriously... this isn’t the big deal you’re making it out to be. I’ll get my presents when we go home.”

“If he’s actually got you a present,” Gemma muttered under her breath, half turning away to roll her own eyes in exactly the same way Harry had.

“I don’t think you’re being fair,” Anne interjected, her peace keeping senses on red alert.

“What is your problem, Gemma?! I bring home the most perfect, handsome, hilarious man, the absolute love of my life who’s been nothing but kind and considerate to you and somehow, just like every other time something big happens in my life, you’ve got a less than pleasant opinion about him. WHAT GIVES?!” Harry was incensed, his eyes wide and mouth gaping. His hair had got gradually curlier throughout the day, the humidity of the kitchen mixed with the cold, wet air outside had done a real number on him. Louis had never seen anyone more beautiful.

“OH I’LL TELL YOU WHAT GIVES BABY BROTHER!” Gemma turned back to him dramatically, her long dark hair flipping over her shoulder. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT OLD SAPPY BOLLOCKS BEHIND ME WOULD FORGET YOUR PRESENT!”

“Don’t you dare...” Harry started, before the weight of Gemma’s words caught up with him. He turned, face a twisted mask of shock, and took in the sight of Louis, his arms full of parcels and gift bags and a huge smile on his face. Around them, the family perched on any available service, watching the show unfold.

“As if I would ever forget to spoil you,” Louis laughed playfully, leaning over all the gifts in his arms to kiss Harry firmly on the mouth. “Happy Christmas baby.”

“Louis! Oh my God I was so gutted!” He hiccupped around a tight sob, reaching out to squeeze Louis’ upper arms. “Are they all for me?” His eyes tracked over everything, trying to guess what each parcel was from the shape.

“Every last one. Come and sit over here.” Louis guided them both over to the tree, bending to arrange the presents in a semi-circle. Harry stepped over it all and immediately grabbed for one of the bags.

“Ah ah ah! You have to do it in order. This one’s first.” He handed Harry an envelope and settled down opposite him.

Harry pulled out the thick sheets, his eyes starting to scan the first words.

“My handsome baker, my best friend, the love of my life, I know you’re cursing me already, but you need to read this one aloud. Everyone is going to be dying to know what it says, and it saves the awkward silence while you read it to yourself. You need to go slowly, don’t skip ahead, and let me wish you a very merry Christmas in my own way. Since I was a kid, I always lived life too fast. Mum used to shout after me that it wasn’t a film and that I didn’t have to dance or overact everything I did. You know how my story goes, you’ve lived it with me more times than I count, but the day I first saw you I could feel that somehow, my heart knew you. I wouldn’t let myself believe it, I just thought it was a bit of a crush and that it would go away. Maybe it’s because I was that little bit older, or maybe because of the shit I had been through, but I was jaded and bitter and I didn’t want to fall for you. Not at first anyway. But you had different ideas. You saw me clearly when you no one else did. You were the first person, besides my slightly senior neighbour, who had ever taken the time to find out how I was doing. And not only that, you listened and you actually cared. I'm sure you’ve noticed, but that’s not a common occurrence in The Smoke! You have completely flipped my life upside down. You’ve taught me how to find strength inside myself, even when I gave up hope that there was anything left inside me. You have reminded me what it’s like to be fun, to make mistakes, to laugh with friends and cry when it all goes wrong. I’ve never met someone who is so perfect for me, and I am so beyond in love with you. So, I’m going to give back to you some of the things you gave to me. In my own way obviously, you know how competitive I am. Now open the first bag.”

Louis gestured to the starting point; a pressed navy glitter box with a hot pink bow. Harry quickly pulled it open, digging through the shredded paper and polystyrene nuggets on the bottom of the box. Finally, his fingers closed around cold glass and he pulled the present out to get a better look.

“Amethyst infused lavender essential oil hand poured vegan candle,” Harry read from the label. “My birthstone! That’s so thoughtful.” He pulled off the lid and gasped. The candle was encrusted with white luminescent glitter and all around the outside, amethyst crystals poked out of the wax at jaunty angles. Even Louis had to admit it was impressive.

“Did you read the gift tag babe?” Louis asked, impatient to see Harry opening all his presents.

Harry rustled through the gift box, feeling for the obvious thin feel of a tag. “Here it is! Out loud again?” He seemed to be settling into his role as centre of attention, his toes no longer clicking as he jostled them nervously.

“You made my world bright.

The sun, - the bright sun, that brings back, not light alone, but new life and hope, and freshness to man- burst upon the crowded city in clear and radiant glory.”

He looked up at Louis, not tearful as expected, but beaming bright and beautiful.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it! Don’t be so nervous,” Harry replied. “And you quoted Dickens so another brownie point.”

Louis smirked uncommittedly and carried on watching Harry amongst his gifts. He sent the candle round in a circle for everyone to sniff, reading the instruction leaflet the artist had sent alongside it.

“Back to your gifts, you.” Louis reached for the second one and encouraged Harry to pick up the letter once more.

“You truly are the light of my life; the only light sometimes, when the darkness creeps in just a little too quickly for me to manage. Sometimes I think that in this world, you are my sun, and I am your moon. You; spun gold and warmth and me; cool silver and mysterious depths. We are the perfect team and together, we keep our world spinning.

The second gift now baby.”

Harry reached for the largest gift in the pile; from his position on the floor it towered over him and be balked at the unexpected weight. It was wrapped in a metallic mocha paper that was dotted with spots in multicoloured pastel. Louis had found the biggest, most obnoxious ribbon he could; rough brown hessian with gold running through it. Inside was a beautifully ornate mirror; it had reminded Louis of a piece of toast in shape although he was sure Harry would have a much better idea about the design. The gilded gold frame was made up of coiling vines, reminiscent of the hand mirror Harry had left on the doorstep all those months ago.

“It’s so beautiful,” Harry whispered, his fingers trailing over the flowing curves. He was already searching for the note, tacked to the back of the mirror.

“You showed me my worth.

To love someone is to show them their beauty, their worth and their importance.”

He looked over to Louis, his lower lashes shimmering slightly in the firelight. There were no words needed, emotion and understanding passing between them with just a look. Louis couldn’t speak, even to attempt words would result in him bawling and he needed to hold himself together for just a bit longer. In that way that he had, Harry sensed it and passing the mirror over to Gemma, he went back to reading his letter.

“I didn’t think I would ever be worth anything to anyone ever again before you crashed into my life with flour on the end of your nose and a tragic love song at your lips. And although you saw something that inspired you to get to know more, it isn’t only that I need to thank you for. Your influence is the reason I am the way I am today; I don’t know whether that is a reason for you to celebrate or cry! But being around you; your positive attitude, your enchanting sense of self and your overwhelming kindness, all of that has shown me a better side of myself too. And when I tumbled into love with you, I got to fall in love with myself too. I can’t ever thank you enough for that.

Magic number 3 now...”

Harry looked around for the third gift, and at the same moment, the twins came into the room. They had slipped out unnoticed as Harry read, grabbing the third gift from the understairs cupboard where Louis had stashed it before he came in. Daisy was openly crying, Phoebe not far behind as they staggered under the weight of the enormous bouquet. The hand-tied flowers were a mixture of decadent red roses, snow dusted pinecones and shining red holly berries. Louis had requested whispers of baby’s breath amongst it all and luxurious greenery that he had no idea about. He had to admit he had been impressed and now, looking at Harry’s making grabby hands, he knew he had chosen the right blooms.

“Mum, look at my flowers! They’re so beautiful! Did you know about these?” Harry babbled excitedly, his fingers fluttering over the petals. He buried his face right in the centre, breathing the scent into the bottom of his lungs. “And they’re real! Louis you got me real flowers!”

Louis laughed, unable to resist reaching out to stroke the inside of Harry’s wrist where he was the softest. He felt the flicker of his pulse under the paper-thin skin and his own heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t a dream, his boy was right there in front of him, so deliriously happy and excited for their future. It was only when Harry tried to stick his face back in the bouquet that he noticed the card attached to a Scandinavian style wooden reindeer; it jabbed into the flesh of his cheek right below his eye, startling him into remembering what he was doing.

“Oh my God, yes! The card!”

“You showed me the world’s beauty. Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.”

Closing the small gap between them, Harry leaned over and cupped Louis’ cheek. He stayed that way for the briefest of moments, and no one in the room breathed. Then he pressed their mouths together, his lips relaxed and soft under Louis’. Around them, their family sniffed into tissues, drunk on the display of true, fated love that unfolded in front of them.

“I love you so fucking much,” Harry hissed, pressing their foreheads together, his eyes screwed tightly closed against the rush of feelings that stirred inside of him.

“Language!” Anne chastised automatically, clapping her hand over her mouth when she realised what she had done. “Sorry,” she muttered, dotted laughter accompanying her. Harry laughed and smiled warmly at his mum.

“I better behave myself and carry on with my letter.” He gave Louis’ face a final brush with his thumb before he settled back and resumed his reading.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sky so blue, a wave so hypnotic or a tree so tall until I met you. I had stumbled through my former years with my eyes closed and never stopped to really appreciate everything that was around me. That’s the power of you, Harry. Inspiring creativity in everyone you meet. You’re a cheerleader for the good in the world, never dwelling on the things we’re missing out on but so grateful for everything we do have. It’s infectious, your thirst for life, and I can’t wait to see the world through your eyes, one trip at a time.

Open the last box my love.”

Louis was ready, handing the A4 box over to Harry and taking in every one of his little details when he took the time to appreciate the wrapping. That was so Harry; he fought the urge to tear into the gift even though he was practically hovering off the floor with excitement. Louis had chosen traditional brown paper and matching paper ribbon, spaghetti thin and tied in a double strand bow. He’s tucked a pine branch underneath it, the tiniest pinecone still hanging on at the end. Deft fingers slid the ribbon away, picking up the branch and tucking it safely against the warmth of his thigh. Louis’ mind wandered to whether Harry could press the branch like he would a flower before he remembered what they were doing and gave his concentration back to the moment.

“Louis! This is the best thing ever!” Harry held the leather-bound scrapbook aloft. It was personalised, gold lettering on the front to spell out “Fuck-et List”. Inside, Louis had spent hours designing pages for them to fill with photos and memories and a dedicated section at the front to fill with a list of all the things they wanted to experience together. “I can’t believe we both made scrapbooks!”

“That’s some soulmate shit,” Gemma chimed in, looking around the room at agreeing faces. “It’s almost sickening, really.”

“Do you like your gifts so far then, H?” Louis didn’t really need to ask, the genuine mirth on Harry’s face said it all. But still he softened when Harry flapped his hands with glee, in search of the gift tag as the book rested in the gap of his crossed legs.

“Got it!”

“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”

“I love it so much! Can we use some of your new pens to start writing out our ideas? I have a few already!”

“Of course,” Louis replied softly. “But finish your letter lovely.”

Harry picked the sheets back up, not noticing when, this time, Gemma and Lottie slipped from the room to get the final gift.

“You have such power, that you somehow made fulfilling my dying wishes into the best and most exhilarating experience of my life. I wanted more, always wanted more time with you, more experiences and more of your addictive way of being. I realised that I was craving something that was forever bringing me closer to death and, in doing that, it suddenly made sense that what I was really wanted was more time. With you and with our friends and our family. And now, we have the rest of our lives to go out there and cause chaos. And I can’t wait.

Now this is it, the final gift. Stand up and turn around.”

Harry scrambled to his feet, spinning round frantically. It took his eyes a minute to catch up; they darted wildly around the room, scanning their sister’s grinning faces before dropping down to the floor. On a little wheeled stand stood the flowerpot that Harry had given Louis back in Summer. He had worked so hard to make it thrive and now, a whole host of colourful wildflowers burst from soil and filled the pot. They spilled over the side, the weight of the petals pulling them into a regal bow. Even Louis, who had never really been into gardening, had to admit it looked beautiful. It had been a few weeks since he had seen it, asking his mum to bring it back with her just before they left for Paris, and it really had thrived under her green thumb.

Speechless, Harry reached for the note.

“You brought me to life.

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners that make our soul blossom.

Don’t speak my love, just read the end of your letter.”

Louis watched Harry wipe his nose on the back of his hand and take a deep breath to try and steady his thumping heart. Gemma handed him a tissue, and he raised the letter back up to read the final paragraph.

“I fell in love with your soul before I ever touched your skin or tasted your lips. For a time, you were the only part of me that thrived in full colour; the rest of my days were shrouded in black and grey but whenever I was around you, I was colourful too. Nothing could have prepared me for it and sometimes it still takes my breath away.

I am so grateful that you found you, that you chose me and that you keep choosing me every day. We are going to have the most incredible life together one day. The happiest home. The most beautiful children. But best of all, we’re going to have each other. I wanted to give you back a little bit of everything you gave me in a time when I was stupid enough to think that I wanted to be alone. You never gave up and you kept coming back, leaving those beautiful gifts and only wanting my happiness in return. So here are your pieces of those slices of happiness; I want to share everything with you, all the way to forever.

Merry Christmas Harry.

From the very bottom of my heart, Louis x”

The room was silent, save for the rustling of tissues and breathy sobs. Louis waited patiently for Harry to turn back around, the slightest hint of fear itching somewhere inside of him. He prayed he had got it right, that Harry would see what he had tried to do. He didn’t want to tread on those early gifts or diminish them, he wanted to share every part of their story and, hopefully, give Harry the same feelings he had felt when their love story first began. He waited a beat longer, trying to gauge the reaction from the set of Harry’s shoulders and the expression on Lottie’s face.

Still turned away, Harry folded the letter carefully and put it in his pocket. He let out the smallest laugh and dipped his head. “Well I don’t mean to be ungrateful Louis, but you forgot about my rock...”

The sentence fell away as Harry turned and looked at Louis. He made a strangled sound, looking down at his boyfriend on bended knee in front of him, his arm outstretched with the most beautiful diamond ring between his fingers.

“How about this rock then?” Louis’ voice trembled and caught in his throat. He had known he would be nervous, but this was off the scale. He could feel the eyes of their families burning into him, the pressure mounting with every minute. But he wanted to get this right, wanted it to be perfect.

Harry hadn’t moved, his face pale and hands clasped to his cheeks. He was in a state of shock, eyes pinned on Louis.

“I know it’s quick H. The last six months have been incredible and, the only reason for that is you. With you next to me, I’m always home. You’re my safe place, my confidant, my best friend and the love of my life. When you know, you know. Will you marry me?”

In a split second, Harry crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of Louis. He wrapped his arms around him, knocking them both flat onto the floor and pressed his weight down. He crashed their mouths together, dozens of little pecks dancing between them, the kiss staying on the edge of becoming something deeper.

“YES! OH MY GOD YES!”

Around them, their family burst into rapturous applause, jumping up from their seats to wrap their boys up in cuddles and congratulations. Louis sat up, lifting Harry with him and slid the ring onto the third finger of his left. It fit perfectly, nestling in between the chunky costume jewellery on his other fingers. It was a simple platinum band, one big diamond embedded into the band and twinkling just under Harry’s knuckle. This was Louis’ future right here; this was the only thing he would ever want. As long as they were together, they would have all the love they could possibly need. And maybe a little bit more, tucked away for a rainy day.

Notes:

And there we have it, the end. I hope you enjoyed coming on this journey with me. I've had a blast

♥