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None of the Armed Detective Agency could have ever foreseen that this one particular trait of one of their employees would, one day, disrupt the peace in their office by causing such unexpected chaos.
Dazai Osamu was a man of many talents, and known for several things all at once. He was a genius, there was no doubt about it. He was perfectly capable of coming up from the smartest, yet somehow the most twisted strategies ever. Whenever the Agency had shared missions with the Port Mafia, Dazai was somehow always involved. And it would generally be okay if he stopped at that, but he also somehow always got this one gravity manipulator mafioso involved.
His co-workers could list many, many things about him; and some of them were quite unusual too. For example, it was apparently common knowledge that the detective was rather fond of canned crab? According to the monthly salary of a detective at the Agency, it wasn't uncommon for everyone to enjoy canned meals. But canned crab?! Wasn't that really unhygienic, and kind of disgusting?
Moreover, that wasn't the only odd thing about Dazai's tastes at all. Case in point, his never-ending rolls of bandages. Seriously, those white tendrils of gauze were everywhere. Dazai would never be seen without being all wrapped up in bandages. It was, uh, quirky, everyone supposed. But it wasn't harming anybody, so it was fine. It most likely portrayed Dazai as a man of terrible fashion sense, but that was it.
All of that was fine (kind of), but Dazai had recently come to be infamous for another particular trait of his. That, being his super huge collection of, uh, hairpins...? Very few people could exactly point out when this trend started, but it was actually the Dead Apple incident. The Agency members had run into Dazai after all of it was over, and they had been quick to notice that his hair was pinned up by a hairpin.
You know, because they were a group of detectives and everything.
Kyouka had been the one to comment on it, and Dazai had merely grinned in response, saying something along the lines of that being his hobby. Ever since then, whenever he showed up to work, he usually had a hairpin tucked in the side of his hair.
It'd still be a little more believable if those hairpins were normal. But actually, they were anything but! No, all of Dazai's hairpins had different shapes on them. For example, flowers, or rabbits or wine bottles. He usually wore two complimentary hairpins at once, so there was that too.
Yosano, on the other hand, was quick to notice that Dazai had a lot of hairpin shaped in the form of emoticons. Right, 'emojis' as they were used on LINE or something like that. Online messaging, Kunikida believed the exact term was.
It was actually Atsushi who first made guesses as to which one of the hairpins just might be Dazai's favourite. After a very serious debate with a select few of his co-workers, they finally settled on the crab pin. Dazai-san like crabs, so didn't it make sense that his favourite hairpin would be the one shaped like a crab?
All these reasonable arguments that make perfect sense, and yet Ranpo-san insisted that Dazai's favourite hairpins were probably the ones shaped like wine bottles, and the hat-shaped ones. Wasn't that weird? Dazai-san didn't even like wine! And his distaste for very tacky hats was widely known, alright?
Kyouka might have mentioned in a very low voice sometime during this discussion, that Dazai-san had no interests in those particular items itself, but he might just be rather familiar with a certain person who liked those things. As expected, she was completely unheard, however.
Obviously, Dazai's many, many hairpins came to be a fun topic for conversation in the Armed Detective Agency office. Wasn't it fine, after all? It was just harmless anyway. Plus, it was fun to gather around in the morning to debate over which specific hairpin might the genius detective be wearing when he strolled into work that day.
To that, one day, Kunikida said something along the lines of, "Shouldn't we be questioning if he will come to work at all in the first place?"
As expected, everyone thought that was hilarious. And Dazai, who had just walked into the office specifically at this time and had overheard what was being said about him, was rather indignant. He whined rather loudly, "That's so rude, Kunikida-kun! I'll have you know that I am, in fact, standing in the office right now."
Kunikida pushed up his glasses, steeling his body and soul to give a composed response, "And you're late, and you haven't started working yet."
Dazai muttered something about his work partner being a buzzkill, before going over to his desk. Once seated very comfortably, he turned to Yosano and Atsushi, "As for today's hairpin, it's a wine glass with a hat on it!"
Atsushi muttered rather loudly under his breath, "Oh my god, he has combined the hat and the wine."
Ranpo merely smirked next to him, eyes fixed on his candy, "I told you so."
Dazai cocked his head curiously, "Hm? What's this about?"
Yosano snickered, "They've been trying to decide which of the hairpins is your favourite. Atsushi-kun says it's the crab, and Ranpo says it's the wine bottles and the hat."
The hairpin-adorned detective processed that information for a few seconds, before offering a secretive smile, "Well, neither of you would be too far off the mark. I don't have a single favourite, of course! That's just not possible. I have quite a few which I like the best, however."
The fact that his smirk widened when he next spoke should have been enough of a sign for impending doom, "And, ah, I believe that I have let somebody borrow one of my beloved hairpins today."
Now see, it was pretty common knowledge that Dazai was unusually possessive of certain, specific hairpins, okay? He was rather okay with letting Kyouka borrow the rabbit hairpin, or let Tanizaki take one of his spare bobby pins. But dare anyone touch his crab pin, or a bandage-shaped pin? No, that would definitely attract piercing glares from the former mafioso. And it was scary, alright?
But to think that Dazai willingly lent out one of his favourite hairpins to somebody? Wasn't that really suspicious?
Before anyone could comment anything about that, however, Kunikida interrupted their very important discussion with a frustrated huff, "Can you guys get to work already? We're on tight schedule today! We have to finish a lot of city-related paperwork before three."
Tanizaki asked out of genuine interest, "Why three?"
Kunikida rubbed the bridge of his nose, clearly exasperated, "Didn't I mention this yesterday? The Port Mafia is sending over someone to collect some mutually required documents."
Right before everyone cooed in understanding and got back to work, Kenji just let one very innocent comment linger in the air, "Aw, I hope it's Chuuya-san who visits!"
And honestly, that's probably what jinxed it. The peace and calm in the office today. The fact that Dazai snickered softly right after such a statement was made was proof enough.
As expected, everything started going downhill a few hours later, exactly at three p.m. Everyone was just carefully and calmly doing their own work (minus one, of course), when the door to the office opened to reveal a certain Port Mafia executive strolling in leisurely.
His hands resting on his sides while a few folders floated in the air right next to him, his coat flowing behind him, and his hat perched on top of his head flawlessly, Nakahara Chuuya came to a stop right in the middle of the office.
He nodded politely, "Ah, hello everyone."
That was the cue for everyone to greet him in their own different, unique ways.
Kyouka offered him a smile, "It's very nice to see you, Chuuya-san."
As expected of a scary mafioso of him, he gently patted her head before smiling wide, "You too, kid. Ah Kenji, hello!"
The little farmer boy was clearly delighted to see him, because he practically sparkled at the mafioso, "Good afternoon, Chuuya-san! Have you eaten today?!"
It was kind of cutely funny how Chuuya was taken aback by the question, "Oh? Ah, yes. Thank you?"
Yosano and Ranpo greeted him with suspicious-sounding laughter, and a constant barrage of "It's Mr. Fancy Hat!" and "Oi Chuuya, you ever consider bringing me some of your wine?" On the other hand, Atsushi just bowed politely before stepping back. Something about how it probably wasn't a good idea to get too close to his mentor's rival?
Meanwhile, said mentor stepped forward till he was right across from the gravity manipulator. Naturally, such a stance showed off their height difference rather well. And as one would expect after having seen these two in action before, Dazai pointedly looked down before commenting,
"Ah, such a shame! Chuuya is still just a little chibi."
Chuuya, who had been perfectly calm till now, immediately lost his cool, "Teme! Shut the fuck up and move your ass, asshole. I'm too busy to deal with the likes of you."
"Ehhh, Chuuya actually has a job?"
"It's more important that you specify how I actually do my fucking job. Unlike you."
"Eh, I hear something! Maybe it's just a little fairy talking?"
"Shut the fuck up; you sure talk a lot for someone who's just a bandage wasting device."
"Says the petite mafia with tacky hats and a wine addiction even if he's just a lightweight."
"Who the fuck has tacky hats!"
"You, of course! Chuuya is just the smaller half of Double Black, but he really tries to compensate for his hats with very tacky hats."
Chuuya practically growled, raising his hands to shake his rival, "You-!! At least my hats are cooler than your shitty little hairpins!"
Naturally, it was at this point that everything actually went all the way south. Not having realised what he'd just said, the gravity manipulator continued yelling at his rival, and sure enough, said rival reciprocated right back. However, it was Yosano who interrupted their very childish ritual of screaming at each other,
"Nakahara knows about the hairpins?"
Ceasing the argument, Chuuya turned away from his rival to face the doctor, "Eh? Why wouldn't I?"
Yosano spoke curiously, "I thought the hairpins were a new thing. You two don't meet often, do you?"
Chuuya snorted, "A new addition? Please. You think he's grown his shitty collection so fast? It's been this way for like seven years now. And who do you think got him most of his hairpins?"
Kunikida gaped at him, "Dazai wore hairpins in the mafia?"
Before either of Double Black to confirm such an accusation, Kenji dropped the final bomb. Not literally or anything, of course. He merely very excitedly made an astute observation, "Oh, Chuuya-san! Do you like hairpins too? I see you're wearing one on your hat!"
Of course, such a thing spoken out loud; it definitely made everyone jump up from their positions, trying to get a good look at Chuuya's hat.
Naomi declared rather too happily, "It's a heart wrapped in bandages! It's so cute, Chuuya-san! Where did you get it?"
...
...
Kunikida coughed, "Isn't that, uh, one of Dazai's hairpins?"
For a few seconds, the two halves of Double Black just stared at each other, very obviously making silent conversation. Then, the shorter of them sighed in pure annoyance before reaching up to run a finger against the hairpin clipped onto his hat. Then he turned to his mortal enemy, "Why the fuck do you insist on putting these things on my fucking hat?"
Dazai replied rather dramatically, practically sparkling himself, "Because Chuuya's hat is so tacky, it needs a cuteness booster, ne? And Chuuya looks very cute with my hairpins."
Letting out an extremely loud sigh, Chuuya shook his head, "Stop putting hairpins on my hat already, oi. Just give them to me and I'll put them on myself if it makes you that damned happy."
Dazai pouted, "Ehh, but what's the point in that!"
Before his partner could say anything, Yosano scoffed out loud in disgust, "Are you guys actually wearing matching pins, right now? Dazai's is a wine glass with a hat on it, and Nakahara's is the heart wrapped in bandages?"
As expected of a very strong mafia executive, Chuuya expertly ignored her, choosing to answer Kunikida's previous questions instead, "No, Dazai didn't wear the damned hairpins in the mafia. He wore them at home constantly, though. And yes, the one on my hat is, in fact, one of shitty Dazai's hairpins."
Kunikida blinked at the duo in front of him, "Uh, home?"
Chuuya sighed some more, as if being asked such a question was really so troublesome.
Meanwhile, Dazai merely snickered a lot, turning to Chuuya, "Come on, hatrack. Don't you wanna tell them? Look how curious my poor little co-workers are!"
The mafioso groaned, "They all hate you, you know?"
The detective gasped dramatically, "What, no way! They would never even dream of such a thing, Chuuya!"
Completely contradictory to his claims, Yosano stated, "That's a lie. We totally hate Dazai."
Ranpo nodded in agreement, "Yep."
Kunikida sighed, "Yeah, can't disagree with that."
Naomi smiled sweetly, "I wouldn't say I hate Dazai-san. Would I let him be run over by a truck? Yes! But still, I'd say I do like him a little."
Dazai stared at her for a good few seconds before declaring, "You have a twisted perception of what it means to like somebody. Why are all of you so mean to me!"
As expected, everyone collectively chose to ignore him, turning to his former partner instead. Yosano repeated the question, "So, what's with the home situation again?"
Chuuya rolled his eyes before pointing at his partner, "Former boyfriend. Two-day fiancé. Current husband."
Dazai wrapped his arms around his rival's shoulders from behind, announcing way too happily, "And of course, we live together!"
Chuuya added with another pained groan, "And he keeps pinning these wretched hairpins to my hat. Yes, I very often show up to the Port Mafia building with fucking birds and crabs on my hat."
Dazai grinned as he rested his chin upon the other's head, carefully removing his hat first, "That's my way of helping you, Chuuya! Nobody will want to approach a scary, short mafia executive, you know? Chuuya looks cuter and more approachable with pins."
The mafioso muttered aggressively, "I don't need to look more approachable. Fuck you!"
Before their bickering could continue and spiral even further, Kunikida interrupted them rather effectively, "Are we just not going to question this marriage? I mean, an Armed Detective Agency employee is married to a Port Mafia executive here."
Ranpo brushed it off with a wave of his hands, "I'm sure we can pass it off as better truce relations."
Yosano complained, "All I'm hearing is that we didn't get invited to the wedding."
Dazai was quick to shoot back with a response, "I didn't know you when we got married."
"Does it look like I care to you?"
"Uh..."
Chuuya sighed once again, his hundredth in the past hour, "Anyway, can we please fucking go home already? Move your ass, Dazai."
Nothing much was said as the infamous gravity manipulator decided to physically drag his husband out of the Agency office, the two of them still bickering their hats and pins off, true to their nature.
It was only until after they'd both safely (?) made it out of the Agency building that Kunikida suddenly realised that Dazai had left work early, and without completing even half of his paperwork.
But well, maybe the office was better off without his presence anyway. At least for today, that is.
-
Omake
A couple hours later, a very important discussion in the Twin Dark household;
"Dude, you're so fucking annoying. I can't believe you put that damn pin in my hat again!"
"But isn't it such a fitting hairpin, Chuuya! Besides, don't lie so much, chibi. You totally noticed the hairpin beforehand."
"Well, yeah. I figured that your co-workers should suffer too. After how you traumatised mine for weeks by putting crazy hairpins on my hat."
"I can't believe you told my co-workers that we're married!"
"What the fuck?! You told my co-workers first!"
"That's different because it's just Chuuya, and he's a chibi."
"That literally makes no fucking sense, bastard."
"Whatever~"
...
...
"Anyway, I'm sorry about calling your hairpins 'shitty' and 'wretched'."
"Aww, I knew Chuuya liked my cute little hairpins!"
"...Rot in hell."
"I don't mind, but only if you join me too, darling."
"Looks like I'm filing for divorce today, huh?"
"Hey, that's mean, Chuuya! Come back here?!"
"I'm kidding, obviously. But let's fucking go already. I'm starving."
"Just a minute. I'll fetch us a new set of matching hairpins~"