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Author note:
This is my first ever fanfic. Please be kind.
I have to thank Spnfammember, nolajax, Chelle0372 and AllTheShrinks who read early versions of this story and helped me clean it up and encouraged me to not give up on it.
Thanks also to the wonderful @firesign10 who helped bring it down the home stretch.
Extra special thanks to @bhorton314 without whom this story wouldn’t be half as good as it ended up. She helped me think of things that had never occurred to me and gently encouraged me to push myself and stretch my writing skills.
Finally, I am so grateful to our whole Crowded Table. Without you ladies, there would be no story at all. You encourage me in everything I do, but especially to get out of my comfort zone and start writing again. I love you all so very much. This one's for you!
Coming Home
“I’ve got to go back,” Dean tells Mary with an empty but determined look in his eyes. His voice shakes as he tells her, “Gotta get his body. I’m not leaving him out there.”
He keeps reliving that other terrifying, gut-wrenching night, when he had to walk away from Sam, leaving him alone in an empty cabin after the werewolf attack in order to save other people. Remembering how, in those moments, he had finally started to admit how he really felt about Sam; and the realization he had that there was no life without him, only after it was too late.
He remembers how he killed himself to try and get Sam back only to find out that Sam wasn’t even dead.
Not again. He won’t leave Sam’s body out there. Dean never even saw the body this time. Just in case…in case Sam’s not really dead. In case Sam got turned. Whatever the situation, he can't leave Sam out there. Cannot do it. He needs to bring him home.
All Dean hears, on an endless loop in his brain, is Sam. He can't escape the anguished way Sam yelled Dean's name as he died in that tunnel, while Dean was busy saving strangers, again, this time in a strange world so far from home. What made it so much worse was the fact that Sam had just been saying how he felt like things were turning around for them. Sam had finally found some light after so much darkness and it had relieved some of the burden they had been carrying for so long.
Dean keeps seeing the relief on Mom’s face when she first saw he was actually in this universe and then how her face fell, heartbroken, when she realized Sam was not with him. Dean can only imagine the look on his own face when he saw Mary figure it out, the tears in his eyes as he was reminded once again that he could not protect his baby brother.
So no, he just won’t leave him out there alone. In a world that isn’t even theirs. It’s all just too much.
He has to go. He can’t continue to stay here and work out their plans while Sam is out there. There is no other choice but to get Sammy and bring him back.
Then the alarm sounds. Everyone around him is on high alert, scrambling to be ready for whatever is coming. “What now?” Dean thinks. “Aren’t we already dealing with enough?”
As the sirens rip through the air, Sam stumbles into the clearing. Dean can’t believe his eyes and he feels his heart start to beat again. Then Sam comes towards him and it begins to race. Sam is alive?
Sam is alive!
When Lucifer follows Sam, acting like he’s God’s gift to them, Dean’s heart skips a beat. Then another. Dean can’t breathe again. This can’t be happening here. They left him back in the bunker. Is any of this real?
Sam lurches into Mary’s hug, eyes trained on Dean. Dean can’t believe Sam is close enough to touch. He never thought he’d see him alive again. He thought he’d left his heart in that tunnel. Dean immediately asks “What happened?”
“Lucifer saved me,” Sam replies, defeated and almost guiltily.
Overhearing the Winchesters discussing him, Lucifer interjects with a smirk, “It’s what I do.”
The immediate joy and relief Dean felt at seeing Sam alive is quickly eclipsed by his rapidly increasing rage. Dean wants Lucifer dead. Right fucking now. Lucifer will not be given a pass for all the ways he has tortured Sam. How he tried to break him. Even if he did bring him back from the dead, Lucifer can never have access to hurt Sam again.
But dammit they need his help. Lucifer only left enough grace for Rowena's spell to give them 31 hours in this world and time is running out. They have to get back. Dean can't fully comprehend all of that right now. He needs to check in with Sam. Alone. Make sure he’s truly back and all right.
Dean catches Sam’s eye and motions with a slight nod of his head, letting Sam know he needs them to step away to somewhere more private. Sam gives him a quick smile and follows Dean around the corner of a nearby cabin, out of sight of everyone’s prying eyes. Dean just needs a minute to gather his feelings, to make sure Sam is, in fact, up to snuff. And he is really all Sam.
Once they are alone, Sam starts, “Hey, listen I’m sorry about all this.” He looks wrecked.
“Are you good?” Dean cuts him off, trying to be calm and not waiting to let Sam apologize. If anyone should be sorry, it’s him. He can't let his little brother carry one more ounce of guilt. Not when this isn't his fault.
“I’m alive. Yeah,” Sam shrugs. Sam can’t look Dean in the eye and shifts his eyes away. Guilt at letting Dean down, scaring him, leaving him, all are evident on Sam’s face.
“Then you’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Dean says as he pulls his baby brother to him and wraps him in a full body hug. Dean is so grateful that Sam is back in his arms. The relief that he will continue to have Sam by his side, as it should be, overwhelms him and he whispers, “Sammy, I thought I lost you, man.”
After a minute, Dean reluctantly lets him go. His fingers already itch to touch his brother again.
“What are we going to do about Lucifer?” Dean’s mind is not really on the task at hand at the moment.
Sam answers, “I’ll handle him. I will, Dean. Let me handle him.”
“Okay” Dean replies, noticing the stricken look on Sam’s face. As much as they want to stay in this moment alone together, they both know they have a lot of work to do to get all of these people back to their own world. And as much as it hurts them both, they need to use Lucifer to get there.
But as Sam starts to walk away, panic and urgency start to fill Dean's chest, making it hard to breathe. He has to act now or his chance will have passed. Dean puts his hand on Sam’s arm to stop him, and looks up hopefully at his brother. “Sammy, wait.” Dean’s heart is pounding out of his chest when he pulls Sam silently into the cabin.
The moment Dean has Sam inside, he looks into his brother's eyes, searching for any sign that Sam is not okay. To see if he is the only one feeling this way. Dean sets his hand on Sam’s neck to pull him closer. As he inspects Sam’s face, he recognizes that spark in his eyes too. The desire. It is the same as his own.
Dean tilts Sam’s head gently to the right so he can examine where the neck wound should be. Where he saw all that blood pump out of his brother's body. He skims his fingers lightly over the missing injury.
Sam trembles at the touch. Dean pulls him a little closer to really get a good look. There’s no sign of injury. Lucifer has healed it, leaving no trace. Dean breathes a sigh of relief. When he makes eye contact with his brother again, Sam makes a small sound in the back of his throat. It’s almost a moan. Dean reads the hunger for him in his brother’s eyes. How could he not have known all this time?
Relieved, Dean steps between his brother’s legs and leans in gently to place a kiss where the life stealing injury was. Sam shudders and gently grabs Dean’s biceps tightly to hold on and ground himself in the moment. Sam is making small whimpering sounds. Dean is shaken by the abrupt vision of Sam on his knees, bleeding out.
He suddenly can’t help opening his mouth to run his tongue over Sammy’s pulse. It’s strong and vital, like it had never stopped. Convincing himself that his baby brother is really alive, he licks and sucks a bruise there. Then another. He wants to mark and claim Sam as his forever.
Dean pulls back and meets Sam’s eyes again, still checking. Making sure that Sam is with him and on board with these big moves they are finally making. Green eyes meet hazel, both pairs bright and present. Sam’s are blown wide and dark. The unbridled desire Dean sees there mirrors his own. At last. They are on the same page and in sync again even in this. Especially in this.
“Dean…” Sam starts, as if it’s the only word that ever mattered. Dean quiets him with a quick kiss.
He looks down at the shirt covered in his baby brother’s blood. He can’t get over how much of it there is. How sticky it still is. He can’t believe what it almost meant for them.
Sam’s whole body is vibrating in response to Dean’s every touch. Dean can’t resist any longer and he quickly begins to unbutton his brother’s shirt. He can’t get to Sam’s skin fast enough.
He is trying to ignore the blood, that just a few hours ago was his brother’s life leaving him for good, as it is starting to dry and flake off the shirt,. He needs this awful reminder off of his boy. He can’t bear to see it touching him anymore. Dean pushes the filthy shirt off of his brother's shoulders and throws it onto the ground.
His senses are overwhelmed by the smell of all of his brother’s blood from injuries that no longer exist, and the metallic taste still on his tongue from where it had caressed Sam’s neck while checking for proof of life.
Once he starts, Dean plans to check for more injuries. It’s always been his job. But he just wants Sam more. He can’t help himself. He can’t keep his hands off of Sam.
After he finishes unbuttoning Sam’s shirt, his hands and mouth roam the rest of his brother's now unmarked body and drags a thumb across a nipple. As Sam lets out a deep groan and then sucks in his breath, Dean can’t stop himself from putting his mouth there too. He blows a breath across it and then sucks it into his mouth.
Sam tangles his fingers in his brother’s shirt tail. He’d pulled it loose from Dean’s pants without any hesitation. Sam slides his greedy fingers under the shirt and skates them up his back and pulls Dean closer. Dean thinks to himself, “How is there even any space left between them?”
Dean slowly traces his fingers down his brother’s side and across his ribs, subconsciously taking note, nothing broken. Not even a scratch. Dean relishes that thought and chases each touch with a kiss.
Sam whispers Dean's name over and over like it’s a prayer, as he slides his hands in his brother's hair, tugging him in for a kiss. Sam grabs onto Dean like has waited a lifetime for Dean to look at him and touch him this way. If only they had known.
He has always blossomed under Dean’s praise. To Dean, seeing Sammy like this feels like a blessing. Like salvation. Dean pours a lifetime of love and adoration into his brother’s hungry mouth. Sam eagerly follows Dean’s lead.
“Dean,” Sam pulls back in a sigh. Dean thinks that maybe the only word Sam can remember right now is his brother ‘s name. He loves how it sounds falling from Sammy’s lips. It’s like a symphony. And it feels like it means everything he’s always wanted to hear.
Thrilled and relieved at his brother’s responsiveness, Dean reaches for Sam’s belt buckle and drops to his knees in worship as he opens it. He’s so grateful for the man standing in front of him, vibrant and alive and his.
“Yes. Please, Dean,” Sam begs quietly.
Dean carefully undoes the button on his brother’s pants. For just a second Sam wraps his hands around Dean’s neck and tips his head back so he can make eye contact with his brother.
“Dean,” he whispers again, his voice choked with desire.
Dean looks up at the sound of his brother's voice and knows for certain there’s no turning back. There never was. From the moment he saw Sam was alive, they were always going to end up here.
He releases Sam from his jeans and briefs. Sam helps push them down out of the way and closes his eyes and drops his head. He runs his hands through Dean’s hair and shudders. To Dean, Sam’s body is like an over tightened guitar string. Dean feels like his body is overwrought with a lifetime of anticipation too. And so Dean leans in, breathes in deep the scent of Sam. Of home.
He has waited long enough.
Without thinking any more about it, Dean takes Sam in his mouth, reveling in the weight of his brother on his tongue and the taste that is so Sam, and so vital. He is overcome with joy that they are here. Together, after everything they have survived.
“Dean,” Sam cries again, and Dean feels the heat pooling lower and the tension building at the base of his spine. This won’t take long. He is too wound up. He has wanted this for too long and they almost missed their chance. The adrenaline of the day and of being here together finally is getting to him.
Precome spills into Dean’s mouth and suddenly he can’t get enough. Sam is rapidly thickening and Dean takes him as far into his mouth as he can, then pulls back to just the tip. He licks at the slit, loving the taste of his brother. Sucking and hollowing his cheeks, he licks the shaft, working what he can’t fit into his mouth with his clever hands, while Sam thrusts his hips to meet him. He loosely tangles his fingers through Dean’s hair and holds on. Sam is full-on moaning now. Dean knows he’s trying to be quiet because they are not really alone, but he can’t keep it in anymore.
Dean still can't get enough of Sam. Now that he's in this moment, every sense filled up with Sam, he thinks he may never be able to get enough. He strokes and tugs and fondles, touching Sam everywhere he can reach. Even while swallowing him down, he continues to run his hands over Sam’s back and thighs, always checking that Sam is okay, physically unable to stop himself from making sure Sam is alive and whole and with him here in this moment. He’s got to know that Sammy is good. Always.
All Dean can think is more while Sam pulls Dean's head closer, fingers tightening in his hair. He knows now that this is how they were always meant to be. Dean is elated that his brother is alive, but also that he is, as always, his partner in everything. And now, finally in this as well.
Dean can feel Sam’s heart racing, and sees that he has tears of joy in his eyes. Sam lets out a deep bone shaking groan and shudders as he comes down Dean’s throat, crying out Dean’s name. Dean replaces the horrifying sound of Sam screaming his name when he was dying with the delicious way Sam is moaning his name now as Dean swallows everything his brother can give him.
He’s never giving up any part of Sammy again. Not even a little bit. Sammy is his.
As he comes down, Sam yanks Dean back to his feet and crushes their mouths together, licking his way in. Mapping every nook and cranny that was, until today, unknown to him. Sam sighs as he tastes himself on Dean’s tongue. Dean revels in tasting the togetherness of them. It feels like home.
They’re both breathing hard and Sam pauses to catch his breath. Sam’s forehead wrinkles as he looks at Dean with concern. Dean knows that Sam can read his big brother’s emotions almost better than Dean knows himself, and can probably guess where Dean’s mind is headed.
He gently takes Dean’s face in his big hands, still sticky with his blood, and whispers against the shell of Dean’s ear, “It’s okay, Dean. I’m here. I’m okay. We’re good.”
Dean has tears in his eyes threatening to spill. Relief, joy, love–Dean is feeling all of it. But he still feels the immense pain of the loss that was. When he speaks, his voice is torn up like he has been screaming in every moment since he lost Sam. Maybe he has.
“I need you, Sammy. All of you.” Dean’s eyes filled with tears of relief at getting the chance to say these words to his brother. Something, just a few short hours ago, he thought he’d never have.
Sam’s eyes fill with tears too. He looks down at Dean reverently. Dean knows Sam is feeling his love, but also the pain of what they almost lost. He wants them to feel all of these emotions but he also wants them to let it go. He needs them to finally move forward together.
“I thought I lost you. Again.” He breathes out in a hushed tone, echoing his earlier sentiment. “And I can’t…” Dean’s hands flutter between them and land right above Sam’s heart. He has to protect it at all costs. Always the big brother. Still checking that Sam’s all right. Dean breathes in deeply as he feels his brother’s strong heartbeat.
After a moment there, he slides his hands down to settle atop the curves of Sam’s hip bones. It’s ironic how the grooves feel like they were meant for exactly that, to help Dean anchor himself in Sam's strong presence and in his place in the world, defining himself for almost his entire life in relation to Sam. In all the times he has touched Sam, stitched him up, checked all his injuries, how has he never noticed that before? They are like two pieces of a puzzle.
Sam slides his hands from Dean’s face to his neck, and Dean relishes the feel of his whiskers under Sam’s hands. Sam slowly pulls his big brother close for another searing life affirming kiss. It grounds Dean in the here and now. He can’t believe his baby brother had almost gone his whole life without ever letting Dean know how he feels. They almost missed their chance, so they’re not wasting any more time now.
Sam’s slightly stunned expression says he can’t believe they are here either. That it took him dying, again, for them to open up and reveal true feelings. No more hiding or denying for either of them. Sam whispers his truth into Dean’s ear “I know. Me too.” Dean looks up and can’t believe he is really hearing these words from his brother’s mouth.
“Fuck me Dean. Please, I need to feel you.” Dean brushes Sam’s hair out of his brother’s eyes and grabs Sam’s neck, pulling him into a soul searing kiss that almost cuts Sam off when he finishes with “In me.” Sam sounds wrecked. Dean feels euphoric; he can’t believe the love and desire pouring out of his brother’s mouth. Sam is finally saying the words he has waited so long to hear.
“I need us both to really know I’m back and alive,” Sam finishes after catching his breath. They kiss long and hard, ravishing each other’s mouths like they have been starving for exactly this. Biting. Licking. Their tongues battle for dominance as they swallow each other’s words of love.
A long time ago, Ash had told them they were soulmates, and now they would never doubt that again.
Sam is at once the strong amazing man in front of him, but also the little kid begging for something he thought he desperately needed when they were young. Dean is so overcome with emotion and seeing this familiar version of Sam, still needing him so much, that everything inside him feels like it’s on fire. It reminds him of when he was electrocuted by the Rawhead, but now it’s bringing him to life instead of almost killing him.
Dean has wanted this, wanted Sam, for more years than he can remember. He wanted to have Sam close and safe, always. After the werewolf attack, Dean had finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Sam. He wanted everything with Sam. Always.
But he could never do that to Sam. Never push for something Sam didn’t want too. Couldn’t take the chance to put it out there and have it ruin everything good between them. And even if Sam had wanted it too, their lives were never such that they could take time for themselves like this. So he never let himself even imagine that Sam might feel the same.
Now though, with the world possibly ending again there’s no time like the present. But then a devastating thought hits Dean like a bolt of lightning. He has to be sure. He has to know.
“How do I know this isn’t something Lucifer made you want when he brought you back?” Dean asks, barely audible. “You know as a way to fuck with us? Again?” He continues, afraid to say the words, but even more terrified of the answer. He doesn't know how he’ll live if Sam changes course now, but he can’t bear to hurt Sam. Not when Lucifer has already done so much damage and especially not if it is something Lucifer is making him think he wants to do. Dean would never forgive himself.
Sam looks Dean directly in the eye, breaking out in a wide smile with those amazing dimples that light up his whole face. He takes a moment to be sure that he has Dean's undivided attention, “I have wanted you my whole life, in one form or another, since before I knew what it was to want,” Sam says. Wonder and surprise wash over Dean’s face. He allows himself to feel the truth in it and begins to smile, matching the soft grin in his baby brother’s expression.
“This is just the culmination of that. This is all me, Dean,” Sam continues as his hands settle for a moment on Dean’s cheekbones. He tips Dean’s face up. This is what he wants for them too.
Sam’s voice is solid and sure and Dean glances away, unsure of what to do with all of these big emotions that he usually keeps bottled away.
But as Sam pushes forward to get these crucial words out, his voice gets stronger and more confident. Certain. “With everything going on in our lives, who knows if there will ever be another chance like this. Who knows if we will even make it back home.”
He moves his hand under Dean’s chin and and tips his face up again, locking their eyes to be sure these final words really hit settle in Dean’s head and his heart. Sam brushes away the tears that are falling down his big brother’s face. “You are everything to me. Always have been. I want this. Here. Now.”
“Me too Sammy. With everything I am.” Dean says earnestly. He is at last feeling like the gears in his head are locking home. They both want this. For real. For keeps.
Slowly Sam reaches down and undoes Dean’s jeans, reaches in and wraps his warm hand around his brother’s length as he kicks his own boots off. Dean can’t look away. He is unbelievably hard. Seeing Sam’s hand on him, lovingly touching him, he knows that Sam feels the same way and it is driving him crazy with anticipation.
He yanks his jacket and flannel off and his t-shirt over his head. As he does this, Sam’s rapidly filling cock is already regaining interest. How could he not? They have waited a lifetime for this. The rest of their clothes wind up on the dirty floor as they race to finally close the distance between them.
Dean rests his forehead over his brother's heart for just a second. Savoring the warmth of his skin, and the sound of his brother’s strong steady heartbeat. So sure of both of them.
Dean maneuvers Sam back up against the wall. As Sam looks up at his big brother, Dean gently runs his thumb along Sam’s bottom lip. Sam opens his mouth and sucks in his thumb. Dean switches and slides two fingers in its place. Sam sucks on them like his life depends on it. He coats them as well as he can with his spit.
Removing his fingers from Sam’s mouth and giving him a passionate kiss, Dean moves on. He knows what comes next and he knows they don’t have a lot of time, anyone can come looking for them at any moment.
They know what it's like for time to run out. They'll never waste time again. Not now.
Using all the care he can, Dean twists to slide first one finger, then two into his brother, stretching him open, making sure Sam is ready to take Dean without getting hurt. He can’t ever hurt Sammy. He can feel Sam’s muscles contracting against his fingers, hot and tight and alive. As he nudges Sam’s legs further apart with one knee, Dean carefully adds a third finger.
Finally, after what seems like forever, Sam touches Dean’s wrist and says “Dean. Enough. Come on. We don’t have time. I just want you. Now.”
Dean kisses him deeply, swallowing his brother’s words. Something else to keep inside him. Then he says “Yeah Sammy. Okay.” He brushes Sam’s hair out of his face and tucks it behind his ear, never looking away from his brother’s beautiful kaleidoscope eyes as he pushes his way slowly into the depth of his brother's body. Souls and bodies, joined at last. The only place that will ever feel like home for either of them ever again.
Sam wraps his leg around Dean’s hip as he leans back into the wall and pulls Dean tighter to him. Dean thrusts harder and cries out “Sammy!”
Sam surrounds him. His body, his scent, his heart, his love. Dean can feel it with every touch. Every kiss.
Dean gently kisses Sam’s closed eyelids. Sam sucks bruises into Dean’s collar bone. Dean bites teeth marks into Sam’s pecs. Sam drags his fingernails down Dean’s back leaving long scratch marks. Claiming each other.
Sam takes him apart and puts him back together. Sammy is really okay. And here. And his. It doesn’t take Dean long to get to where he’s been headed his whole life.
Sam pushes forward to meet every thrust. Dean grabs at Sam’s ass to pull him closer. Both sets of hands are everywhere, all at once. Their breathing is now completely wrecked and the sounds coming from them as they grind into each other are pure sin. They can not look away from each other as their hearts beat in unison. As Dean gets close to coming, he takes Sam’s leaking cock, now very much back at attention, in his hand again. “Come on Sammy. Come home with me,” Dean grunts between thrusts. A command, but also a plea.
Sam moans and grabs Dean's face. “Always. Forever.” He kisses him breathless while they both finally come home at last.
Emotionally and physically spent, they can only hold each other and wait for their breath to settle. Neither wants Dean to leave the safety and comfort of Sam’s body so they linger, holding on to home as long as they can.
When they finally catch their breath and their legs feel strong enough, Dean pulls out of Sam and immediately feels unmoored. Sam feels the loss too. It’s almost too much.
Once they are completely untangled, they start to clean up and put themselves back together. They find they can't keep their hands off each other now that they have this. Now that they have connected in this new way.
Fingers twisting together. Sam straightens Dean’s collar. Dean brushes Sam’s hair away and tucks it gently behind his ear, so he can see his brother’s eyes that he loves so much, that glimpse of Sam’s soul. His other half. They are both so grateful to have had this and don’t want it to ever end.
“Sam,” Dean starts to try to say anything to convey all that this has meant to him.
Sam stops him with a soft smile. He drags Dean him into a full body hug. “I know Dean. I love you too.”
With one last lingering kiss, as Dean traces Sam’s lips with his tongue, Sam opens for him and they swallow all that they can of each other. Words, spit, tears, breath, unspoken promises. They leave the little cabin, knowing that after today their lives have been changed for good.
But now, Sam and Dean have work to do. And it involves saving people, together. They have already spent too much time caught up in only each other.
If they can get these people back out of this broken world, they can start their lives with this new bond between them, at home in the bunker and in each other, just like this. Forever.