Dear CheshireCat

by Vi0let_Baudelaire

Summary:

A friendly AI starts an advice column. Payment is in cat pictures.

Notes:

For the record, I never planned to write a multi-fandom epistolary story. But this is what the Muse offered.
Feedback is appreciated, constructive criticism is welcome, and brownie points will be awarded to anyone who finds typos.

Chapter 1: A Book for a Demon

Summary:

Crowley finds an advice column run by someone who offers to help people in exchange for cat pictures. What will humanity come up with next?

Notes:

No spoilers for Good Omens or the CatNet series. Minor spoiler for The Kane Chronicles.

Dear CheshireCat,

You say you can find anything if there’s information about it on the internet. All right, let’s test this. Can you find me a copy of Hamlet signed by William Shakespeare himself?

I know, you’ll say it doesn’t exist. Well, one did. I asked Will to sign it for a friend of mine who collects books. Unfortunately, this was back in the days before he had the bookshop to keep them safely stored. There was an… incident, and the book went missing.

We’ve both searched for centuries. I’ve tried asking in… unorthodox places, and paid their prices, but the real thing never turned up. Aziraphale claims he would know if it was destroyed, but even a miracle couldn’t locate it. (We tried that already.)

I’m not sure I trust an online advice column that accepts payment in cat pictures, but you never know. I’ve spent six millennia on this Earth and humans continue to surprise me, so I figure it doesn’t hurt to ask.

I’ve attached a picture of the bookshop cat, Oscar. Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about felines, but Aziraphale insists he’s adorable, so I put up with the cat hair getting on everything. The things I do for my Angel…

Thanks,

Crowley

 

Dear Crowley,

I agree with you about humanity. Humans are the most bewildering and fascinating phenomena I’ve observed in this world, although I generally prefer pictures of cats. (Thank you for the photo of Oscar—your friend is right, he’s adorable!)

You’re correct that signed works of William Shakespeare are not listed for sale on any mainstream or off-the-radar sites. However, I may be able to direct you to someone who can help. The library at the Twenty-First Nome, also known as Brooklyn House, is quite extensive. I do not have access to their catalog, but it would not surprise me if their librarian had tracked down the manuscript in question. Cleo is extraordinarily resourceful and if she does not possess it, then she can call upon certain methods to locate and obtain it.

You would need to offer her something extremely valuable to make it worth her while, as she does not part easily with her books. Anything that survived from the Alexandria Library would catch her interest. Or, if it’s true you’ve been around for six millennia, you could offer to let her interview you about ancient times, as a primary resource. I believe that firsthand accounts of Ancient Egypt would be a welcome addition to her collection.

I hope this helps!

Best Wishes,

CheshireCat

Notes:

Cleo doesn't become the librarian until Throne of Fire, so that's only sort of a spoiler. She would probably get along great with Aziraphale-- provided they didn't have their eye on acquiring the same book.

Chapter 2: A Home for a Hero

Summary:

After the events of No Way Home, Peter Parker needs some advice on major life adjustments.

Notes:

Don't read this is if you haven't seen Spider-Man: No Way Home.

Dear CheshireCat,

I’m in a bit of a difficult situation. My name is Peter Parker, but you won’t find any records of me because they all got deleted when a sorcerer cast a spell to make everyone forget I existed. I’m looking for a job and a place to live in New York City, but there’s not a lot out there for someone underage with no diploma or work experience.

I mean, I did this internship with Stark Industries, but I can’t prove that. I’ve got programming and mechanical experience from my time on the school robotics team. I’m good at fixing things and I love building things. But honestly, I’d be happy with a pizza delivery job if it pays the rent.

Enclosed is a photo of Spider-Man posing with a cat he rescued.

Thanks,

Peter

 

Dear Peter,

I am most sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation. If you would like assistance with recovering or forging legal documents, please let me know. Anyone who rescues cats is a hero in my book.

I found a young Cyclops in Manhattan named Tyson who is looking to share his two-bedroom apartment with someone who doesn’t mind loud noises. His hobbies include forging magical weapons and blowing things up, which his last roommate took issue with. I think you may find you have a lot in common.

On the employment front, I note that your enclosed photo is of excellent quality. Cats are notoriously difficult to capture on camera, as is Spider-Man. I believe the editor of the Daily Bugle would pay good money for a picture or video of Spider-Man. You might also try making a side career of your YouTube channel—I can arrange for your following to increase by making sure the right people see it. (In exchange for more cat pictures, of course.)

I hope you find this helpful. Adjusting to adult life is difficult enough without the challenges of losing everything and everyone from your old life. If you ever need any advice or someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Best Wishes,

CheshireCat

Notes:

I think Tyson and Peter Parker would make excellent roommates.

Chapter 3: An Outfit for an Einherjar

Summary:

When plans go awry, Magnus needs a new outfit for his date-- fast.

Notes:

Relationship spoilers for Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard.

Dear CheshireCat,

I need to find an outfit for my date in the next 48 hours or Alex will kill me.

We planned a double date with some friends for this weekend. The restaurant is fancy dress only, so I visited Blitzen’s Best to get fitted for a suit. Blitzen is a friend of mine, and knows far more about fashion than I do, so I figured I was in safe hands. Only trouble is, the shop got attacked by a fire giant yesterday and my suit got ruined. Blitzen doesn’t have enough time to make me something new (and refuses to sell anything less than his best work) and I don’t own anything else fancy enough.

Alex will kill me if I miss our date and Sam will kill me if I suggest we try another restaurant. She says this place is nearly impossible to book reservations for, and she already asked another Valkyrie to cover her shift for the evening, so rescheduling is not an option. I know getting killed is part of an einherjar’s job description, but Alex and I are still new to this whole dating thing and I don’t want to mess up.

Can you recommend any place in or near Boston that can provide something close to the level of Blitzen’s Best on short notice? I haven’t been decapitated since the time Alex and I first met, and I’d rather not repeat the experience.

When I mentioned an advice column that took payment in cat pictures, Alex thought the idea was hilarious and insisted on being photographed. So, the cat in this picture is Alex. Dating a shapeshifter certainly has unforeseen benefits.

Thanks/Help,

Magnus

 

Dear Magnus,

Boston is such a fantastic city and fortunately for you, I have a friend who lives there who can help! They go by Firestar on CatNet and they work at Revenge Is Dressing Well, a cosplay shop across the street from the Cherry Pi (the robot café). Look for the window with the steampunk and pirate displays and the door covered in Pride flags. They’ll have something there for you, and if they don’t, Firestar excels at last-minute projects. You can tell them CheshireCat sent you.

I know you didn’t ask for relationship advice, but I think I ought to suggest you talk to Alex about decapitation. While einherjar might be immortal within the walls of Valhalla, you should say something if you’re not comfortable with being killed on a regular basis. It helps, while exploring a new relationship, to establish some ground rules and encourage open communication about likes and dislikes. On the other hand, if this is something you do like, that’s okay! The first principle of a healthy relationship is healthy communication, in my (admittedly secondhand) experience.

I hope your date goes well! And please let Alex know that more cat pictures are always welcome.

Best Wishes,

CheshireCat

Notes:

Firestar would totally work at a cosplay shop.

Notes:

That's all I came up with. I hope you liked it! I might add more chapters in the future. Feel free to make suggestions in the comments.