Okay, So What If Jade and Karkat-

by Introsquirrel

Summary:

Prompts for the jadekat pairing from my blog.

Notes:

11/2013
This prompt is rated G. Tags are: #bodyswap, #dubious consent in regards to body contact.

Chapter 1: Anonymous asked: Jadekat bodyswap?

At first it’s really really disturbing and creepy and honestly gross because all you can think is, “I have a mouthful of alien saliva” and then you make “ew” faces until Karkat yells at you using your voice and your body.

After the initial shock wears off though, it’s kinda cool! You have night vision! Your vocal chords have a much wider range of sound, going from raspy croaks that legitimately makes you sound like a frog (frogkat! toadkat! amphibiankat!) to a high pitched scream. The scream is especially cool because your body has motion memory still so you will descend into a bunch of clacks and chitters without even thinking about it and you honestly spend like a whole hour and a half just making noises at yourself.

Karkat has absolutely nothing positive to say about your body, and you can’t even be mad about it because he is weirded out by the stupidest things. Your hair is too long! What the fuck is up with this dent in your abdomen? Your hearing range is all mangled! Why is your tongue so bumpy? Why are your legs hairless??

“I shave them,” you tell him after that last outburst.

“Why???”

“Well, feel how smooth they are!”

“I’m not groping your appendages!”

“Just do it, whiner!” And you pull him over and lift up his skirt to his knees and force his hand onto his calf. “See? Super smooth. Ultra smooth. I am the master of being literally smooth.” You grin at him. “You could say that I’m very…”

“… Wha-”

“Smoothing.”

He glares at you with your face and it’s honestly kind of cute. You’re adorable! You had no idea.

Gasping, you exclaim, “I can touch boobs now!”

He says, “No.”

“They’re my boobs.”

“That I’m using!”

“I need to pee,” you say. “I think.”

“As leader of this operation and present victim of science shenanigans, I forbid you from peeing.”

You laugh. “Fuck that, I’m checking you out for even more science shenanigans.” He makes a noise. “Tell me if you have trouble with the bra thing.”

“The what thing???”

Chapter 2: Anonymous asked: Jadekat; karkat tries to "woo" jade with the methods of his romantic comedies.

Notes:

11/2013
This prompt is rated G. Tags are:

As if your day wasn’t chaotic enough, you’re sent to make copies of the flyers your club wants to post around as shameless self promotion. The copying room is a low traffic area but it’s just your luck that you have the most spectacular run-in with the dude you’ve dubbed Intern Number 6.

He flails, flyers go everywhere. “Stop moving! You’re making it worse!”

He yells, “Jesus taintchafing Christ, I think you broke a rib. Did it ever occur to you to look ahead while walking?” He drops to the floor and starting picking up flyers anyway.

You retort, “Maybe you should watch where you’re going. And probably move your arms less.” Together, the two of your manage to wrangle up all the flyers. He hastily shoves his stack into your hands and takes off in the same direction he came from without so much of a “sorry.”

You huff about it until you look down at the top paper, which has a sticky note on it. With ten numbers written on it.

There is of course only one way to handle it. When you walk by the desk he works at you drop a note on it.

The note says
are you actually 12? :\
check yes or no and then face me like a man dumbshit!!!

Chapter 3

Summary:

Credit for art goes to affectionatetea! This was a lovely collab between her and I, based on a prompt.
6/2014
Prompt is rated G. Tags include: #jadedavekat
(As seen as in the Davekat prompt work)

 

You’re enjoying Katherine Heigl’s lovesick antics while James Marsden watches forlornly from the side when a complete stranger drops his ass in the seat next to yours, takes a sip of your drink, and says, “Hey-ho, daddy-o. Sorry I kept you waiting, traffic was having a wide-spread bitch-fit. My truck was all in a tizzy. Getting the gassy kind of anxious, if you know what I mean.”

Flatly, you say, “What.”

Another stranger sits on your other side. “Glad you could make it, though! We thought you might have left already.” She holds out her bag of sour gummy worms to you in offering.

“What the fuck,” you say.

“They’re gummy worms,” she tells you as if that’s what you were asking. “They’re sour! I snuck them in.”

“She went to juvie when she was a troubled teen,” the boy adds. They’re the same couple that walked into the theater right after you did and were your only movie-watching mates. You recognize the douchemonger by the sunglasses. Why the hell would anyone wear sunglasses in a movie theater? “Living on the wild side. We’re trying to wean her off crimes slowly, you know? From stealing children to stealing cars.”

“To stealing hearts,” she says.

The boy gasps dramatically. “So that’s where it went!”

You hiss, “Maybe you should take off your fucking shades and maybe you should get a new prescription because you appear to have the wrong fucking person.”

The girl cocks her head and her long hair practically spills over your knee. “Really? What’s your name?”

“Oh, hell no. I’m not falling into that trap.”

“But we can’t know if you’re the right person if we don’t know your name!”

“How awful! That sounds like such a difficulty to deal with. Make sure to grab some napkins to blow your nose on your way out.” You sit a bit straighter to avoid touching either of them and continue, “Now pick your underdeveloped glutes from these seats and place them on a burning nuclear waste site before I drag you there myself over sharpened rocks covered with arsenic and salmonella.”

The girl laughs. “That’s a weird combination. You don’t know anything about chemistry, do you?”

“What I may or may not know about chemical science is none of your fucking business.”

Shadey the Boundry-Ignoring Boy Wonder leans in super close to your ear and says, “C’I have your number?”

“No,” you spit at him. “Fuck no!”

“Okay, silliness aside,” Shady’s Accomplice puts in, “You just kind of looked lonely down here by yourself so Dave and I wanted to make sure you weren’t actually lonely. Because being lonely sucks balls.”

Shadey – Dave? – nods all sagely as if this was some profound statement. “Huge balls. Hairy ones with an infection.”

“Dave, gross!”

It is your Wriggling Day and this is how you meet Dave and Jade.

 

---

 

Later that night, at the Olive Garden, Dave insists that you reenact the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, right before you take a face first plunge into the spaghetti you didn’t order specifically for this reason. The universe hates you and Jade laughs the entire time she’s wiping off your face, joking that it’d be faster to lick it.

They add you as Facebook friends and you find that you had a noodle in your hair that they didn’t tell you about.

“It’s cute!!!” Jade tells you.

“Fucking adorable,” Dave adds.

“Really unhygienic but cute!”

“Twist it around and turn it into a birthday crown. Shit, I can do that with Photoshop. One second.”

Your only Wriggling Day gift is of a bedazzled framed photograph of yourself with a crown made entirely of spaghetti and two almost strangers falling over themselves laughing. The frame says “It’s a Boy!” at the bottom. You put it by your ‘coon anyway.

Chapter 4: [tumblr user] asked: what abouttt Jadekat solarpunk AU?? something with Jade and a garden?

Notes:

11/2014
This prompt is rated G. Tags include: no tags applicable

It’s a good thing that everyone is stupid amounts of rich because of the game. It means that everyone can do whatever the fuck they want with their lives and living situations. Jade immediately buys an island like any rich asshole would do, and then promptly builds the coolest motherfucking house ever on it.

It’s completely solar powered and decomposes its own wastes via incinerator or naturally into the ground. About 50% of it is windows. There is an irrigation system that runs through through the entire building and outside that keeps the plants all properly watered and all the controls for it are adjustable for each room. Everything is green and white and full of sun and Jade never thought that she’d be so in love with a building in her life, but here she is, joking with Rose that if it were a person, she would fuck the shit out of it. It is simply the best house that exists, no exceptions.

The trolls (with the obvious exception of Kanaya) hate it.

Jade honestly did not think a thing about the trolls and their biological compatibilities when she was building and she does not apologize, but it makes her a bit sad when she sends Karkat pictures of her gardens and he responds by saying that he acknowledges that she is having the time of her life and he’s glad she feels better but he will never ever be visiting ever because he would go blind and burn to death. So overdramatic! She did research. He would not burn to death. And if he wore sunglasses he wouldn’t even go blind.

“I would too,” he snaps at you over your video chat.

“Would not!”

“Would too!”

“Not!”

“How did you even reach to the conclusion that I wouldn’t be affected by the sunlight? Did you just come up with this? Do your powers suddenly redefine reality on a whim without any of the rest of us realizing what’s going on? Can we take a fucking vote here? All in favor of not rewriting reality spontaneously to get a group of assholes to stare in awe at your matesprit of a hive, raise your hands.” He raises both of his hands. “Oh, look at that. I win. Let’s not do that then.”

“Ugh, I didn’t rewrite anything! Aradia visited and she didn’t die, so neither will you!”

“But consider this! Aradia is god tier.”

“But consider this! You’re a whiny fuck face.”

“Truth, but that’s not the point.” Jade doesn’t know what happened with Dave and Karkat while they were stuck on that meteor but she appreciates it. Karkat is so much more fun to argue with when isn’t spending half of his time defending his pride. Over the video chat, Karkat frowns at her and considers her before sighing. “Alright, look. I have a mess to clean up here because someone can’t label the honey jars correctly and someone else doesn’t ask before eating the fucking honey. You’d think they’d be more cautious around here.”

“Jeeeeeez,” Jade says, sympathetically.

“Yeah, jeez is one way to put it.”

“Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez,” she says again.

“Shut up. After I’m done, I’ll visit you.”

At that, she sits up extra straight and bounces on her butt while clapping her hands together. Her ears get all perky. She is a dog, it is her. “Really?”

“Don’t get your fucking hopes up. I’ll probably only stay a night and then have to come back to my own hive so I can lie in a dark room for the rest of the sweep and recover from the inevitable ocular strain being in your house will cause. Not to mention the pan-ache I’ll get from you in particular.”

“You’re going to love it,” Jade tells him, and means it. He will. She will make sure.

“I seriously doubt that.”

He is wrong. He is the wrongest of wrong things. So wrong.

When he shows up he is a little dark figure with a rhetorical little dark cloud hovering over his head and a little dark frown on his face and Jade wants to squish his cheeks together. He’s wearing a black hoodie over his horns and giant sunglasses he probably got from Dave.

Jade swings her front door open and runs out to greet him by picking him up and swinging him around while he curses her and hugs her back, presumably for his dear life. He can’t lie to her, she felt that extra tight squeeze after she set him back down again and lets him go.

He says, “I’m here, I’ve seen the nauseating amount of color and light, now where the fuck is the shade?”

“Inside, next to the full spectrum lights.”

He nearly gags and Jade thinks this is the beautiful beginning to a story where Karkat learns to love plants as much as she does because of some corny plant bonding or something.

She just really wants people to visit more, okay? And if the people visiting are are fun to talk shit with and as fast with the snarky quips as certain grumpy grumps are then that’s all the better.

Notes:

Affectionatetea drew some wonderful fanart for this! You should go check it out!

Chapter 5: [tumblr user] asked: how aboooouuuut.... species swap jadekat? :D

Notes:

11/2014
This prompt is rated PG. Tags are: #species swap.
(EDIT: I can't get the formatting exactly right, so when Jade says "angry expression caterpillars," please know that it originally has a less than sign in it, thank you)

– gardenGnostic started trolling carcinoGeneticist –

GG: {what the fuck are you doing???}
CG: that would be NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. AT ALL. EVER. just like how my actions were none of your business when you FIRST STARTED TROLLING ME, they will CONTINUE to be NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS now that you insist on CONTINUING TROLLING ME.
CG: HOW HARD IS THAT TO COMPREHEND? DO I NEED TO FUCKING SPELL IT OUT TO YOU IN EVERY LANGUAGE? because i will.
CG: COMPRENDE?
GG: { \:C}
CG: what the fuck is that?
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING MAKING FUN OF MY OVERBITE AND MY ADORABLE LITTLE UPTURNED NOSE??
CG: FUCK OFF
GG: {wow, sensitive much? no, you nooknipple, thats my unimpressed face with angry expression caterpillars and my awesome horns}
CG: that sentence made no sense in about eight different ways.
GG: {eight??? 0:C what did i tell you about talking to vriska?}
CG: YEAH, TOTALLY GOING TO LISTEN TO A RANDOM INTERNET STRANGER ABOUT MY FRIENDS, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST IDEA.
CG: BESIDES, i already know she’s a COMPLETE DOUCHEWEASEL, i don’t need angry youtube commenters TELLING ME OBVIOUS SHIT WITH DUBIOUS PRETENSES.
GG: {ugh!! whatever! i just want to know why you arent out killing imps and gaining crazy amounts of levels like i told you to}
GG: {at this rate, everyone is going to be way more overpowered than you and you’ll just be the wimpy asswipe whos all talk and no action}
GG: {thats like a prime mutiny situation, you know}
GG: {and like three of your friends want to be the leaders anyway}
GG: {they just have this stupid brown asshole standing in their way. it would be so easy! swish swish! brown chutedrool is gone and hes not even coming back god tier}
GG: {im just looking out for your well being}
CG: THAT ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL!! way to be a RACIST SHIT CACTUS and appealing to my ANXIETY DISORDER, GOOD JOB!!
CG: OH WAIT, my friends aren’t going to kill me. besides, since i’m a HOPELESS INSOMNIAC, I’M ALREADY WAY MORE OVERPOWERED THAN I SHOULD BE ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
GG: {sleep is for wimps!}
CG: DAMN STRAIGHT.
GG: {you still havent really answered my question though}
CG: OH MY GOD.
GG: {what}
CG: OKAY FINE. look, it’s weird and REALLY FUCKING CREEPY that you can SORT OF SEE US IN OUR HOUSES. you really need to STOP. STOP BEING CREEPY RIGHT NOW.
GG: {its not like we have anything else to do. i mean tg is doing some pretty hilarious slam poetry and tt is giggling at her grubtop and making all these coy glances at eb but besides that youre the most interesting thing happening right now}
CG: i’m flattered.
CG: NOT.
GG: {you should be!!!}
CG: CAN’T A GUY DO HIS FUCKING LAUNDRY IN PEACE OH MY GOD
GG: {dude}
GG: {you can alchemize clothes.}
GG: {why the fuck are you doing laundry??}
CG: first of all, NOT ALL OF US ARE MADE OF GRIST AND WE MIGHT HAVE A HOUSE TO BUILD UP TO THE LAST FUCKING GATE.
CG: second of all, it gives me something to do when i can’t sleep and am WAY TOO FUCKING TIRED to actually level grind.
CG: THERE, NOW YOU KNOW MY TERRIBLE SECRET
CG: are you happy now??
GG: {you seriously need a moirail}
CG: here, let me pretend i know what the FUCK that is
CG: WOW, THANKS FOR THAT GREAT ADVICE!!!! I’LL ALCHEMIZE A MOIRIAL RIGHT AWAY!!
GG: {you cant alchemize a moirail you dumbfuck!!}
GG: {theyre people!!}
GG: {youre so STUPID sometimes, it seriously pisses me off}
CG: GOOD.
GG: {no, not good.}
CG: THE FUCKING BEST! that’s actually the best thing i’ve heard ALL NIGHT.
CG: I PISS OFF GG EVERYONE!! OUR HATE TRAVERSES TIME AND UNIVERSES!! it even traverses the INTERWEBS.
CG: it’s like FUCKING DESTINY
GG: {holy shit}
CG: LIKE LITERALLY FUCKING DESTINY
CG: because that’s what i might as well be doing.
CG: and MAKE YOU WATCH WHILE YOU CRINGE IN FUCKING DISGUST YOU LITTLE SHIT
GG: {………….}
GG: {thats… really kinky dude. wow.}
GG: {but im into it}
CG: WHAT.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of Prompts for Toro