Chapter Text
Roy felt numb. It wasn't as if it was a coincidence that Alphonse was dead. It made sense. It had been Edward's blood that had sealed Al's soul to the armour.
Roy hated that his mind was thinking logically about this. He was over what was acting as a child's corpse. But that was the problem. It didn't feel like a real body. He was in shock. He was numb. It's not that it didn't feel real that Alphonse was gone. It just wasn't right.
Roy wished he could have had the hope that Alphonse was just sleeping. God, he wished that were the case.
You’ll kill them all one by one.
Roy shuddered. His hands were clawing into his stomach as if that were enough to keep in the rising bile.
Havoc’s hands went to the helm, taking it on either side.
Roy froze. “Havoc! What the hell are you doing?!” Roy reached out to grab his subordinate’s hands.
“We have to see if the… We have to see if his seal is still intact. Maybe this is just… Maybe this is just something that happens!”
Logically speaking, Roy knew he shouldn’t have been angry with the man. He was in shock like Roy. He wanted any form of hope he could find, just as Roy did. He was such an idiot. He let his subordinate’s hands go. He hated that he realised this was the way he was trying to protect his own hope. He didn’t want it to shatter when they saw that there was nothing they could do.
Havoc gave Roy a long look as if searching for any opposition.
Roy couldn’t give it to him. He was spent.
Havoc pulled the helm off, letting it clink against the chest plate of the armour as it was removed. He held the helmet close to his chest and breathed in sharply. He had his lower lip between his teeth, pressing down so hard that Roy was surprised it hadn’t started to bleed. He bent over the empty chest and gazed inside.
Roy wanted Havoc to say something, but he didn't say a word.
Havoc was silent as he shook his head. So, no scratches... No definite explanation...
"I-- I'm not an alchemist... I- I don’t know what it's supposed to look like." Havoc looked so queasy. His hands shook. It felt like looking in a mirror. "Can you...?"
Oh, so that's what that had meant. That wasn't fair. Roy couldn't look. It was too hard. It was too terrifying. It was too raw. He swallowed hard, trying to steel his stomach before leaning over the empty chest plate. The rusty brownish red circle seemed to glow in comparison to everything else, not because it was activated but because it demanded the attention of the room. It was Ed's blood and Al's soul.
Roy had only seen the seal once. One time, the boys had showed him. It was an act of trust... Trust that Roy couldn't help but break. But that one time was seared into his memory. And as his chest tightened with pain, he saw that the circle remained completely intact. He didn't know if that was a comfort or not. At the very least, it meant the boy hadn't been murdered... at least not intentionally so. He probably didn't know what had happened. He didn't suffer. That was all that mattered in the end.
It really solidified the idea that the boys were connected. They had been bound, and whatever had happened in the transmutation that stole Ed's life had messed with that. It was either that or coincidence, and Roy didn't believe in coincidence like that.
Roy's stomach churned and shuddered.
Realisation decided to hit him hard. There was no body to bury... for either of his sons. No, shut up! You aren't allowed to be that selfish! You aren't allowed to only care once he's gone... It just wasn't fair. Roy hadn't shown that he cared. He hadn't even processed it. He didn't let himself care. He was a monster. He was a plague. He didn't deserve to love those boys, and they didn't deserve the danger he put them in... by even associating with him, much less by what loving them could have done. It didn't matter now...
It's just... He wasn't allowed to only love them when it was safe... When they were already dead and no one could hurt them again. They didn't deserve that kind of cruel, selfish love. And Roy didn't deserve the honour of having that.
Roy screwed his eyes shut, trying to keep the tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks away. He was still in front of his subordinate. He let out a shaky breath from his nose, choking painfully. It would have to do.
"I-- I did this..."
The sound of the slap hit Roy before the sting. His eyes went wide, and his hand clutched his cheek, feeling the static of his nerves buzzing to life.
"Respectfully, Sir, shut the hell up!" Havoc was shaking, but his voice was strong. His frame rattled like a tin can on a line, but his eyes were firm. ...And scared. "That was from the First Lieutenant. I know she would have done so herself if she were here." His gaze was steely like his lieutenant's. "Boss, I've found out that the two kids that feel--felt--no, feel-- like my little brothers are gone. And if that weren't bad enough, my boss," the look Havoc was giving him somehow hardened even more as he spoke those words, where he was getting the strength to do so, Roy would love to know because, at the moment, most of Roy's strength was being funnelled into breathing--trying to, at the very least, "Well, my boss is falling apart, and I've gotten to know him as someone who didn't let anything crush him and break him apart. And that's a scary way to rock a boat that's already sinking. Everything is suddenly broken, and you are falling apart instead of trying to fix it! It's not like you."
"Fix?" Roy could barely croak out the word. "Fix?!" He rallied his strength. "Havoc, what do I have to fix?! What here is fixable?!" Roy stood up and spun on his heels, scrubbing his face with his hands. "Alphonse is dead! ...Edward...” Roy trailed off for a moment. He just had to tell it how it was, plainly and simply. “I don’t even know how to classify what happened to Edward!”
“He’s still alive,” Havoc tried to cut in.
“No! Havoc! Shut up! Don’t you see?! Edward’s dead in every aspect other than his body! And even that is royally screwed up! You know who did that?!” Roy stumbled toward the boy’s dining table. His knees were as if they’d been replaced with brittle straw. It was never meant to hold the weight of all of Roy’s actions. He collapsed against the table, feeling it grate against the floor. It screeched like a banshee... A little too late...
"That wasn't you." It was barely perceptible--just a quiet breath.
Roy shut his eyes, preferring that to continuing to pretend he felt alive. He wanted to bash his head into the wall or the table or anything that would make it hurt more on the outside than it did in his chest.
Nothing but blurs filled his vision when he cracked open his eyes. No tears. Tears hurt... And Roy knew they wouldn’t stop if they were allowed to fall. When did the rain stop after a couple drops?
Papers were under the direct path of his eyes. Droplets would show. Roy swallowed the lump in his throat. The fire that tickled behind his eyes, burning them was blinked out with a desperate ferocity.
Roy wished he hadn’t cleared his eyes. He recognised those papers. They’d been in his very hands. They’d passed from his useless hand’s to Edward’s. They were one of Edward’s reports sent back to be rewritten so that it was more legible.
Why had he been so hard on him? Edward was a kid. He was just a child.
Roy smashed his fist into the table, feeling it rattle. He swept his hands over the papers, sweeping the reports and notes onto the floor, grunting as his palm ran over something ragged. He gasped and yanked his hand to his chest, sucking in a breath at the sting. A moment passed before he could peel his hand from his chest and look at that damage he had done to himself. Blood ran down his palm and forearm. So much blood from such a little cut, but it would never be as much as he took from those boys.
"Boss?"
"I'm so sorry." Roy didn't think he was talking to Havoc. No, he knew who he was talking to. Roy pushed away from the table and turned back to where his subordinate was sitting behind Alphonse. He was talking to Alphonse. He was apologising... for everything.
Roy knelt over Alphonse's body, Havoc standing as he did. Havoc must have sensed the change in his demeanour.
Havoc walked away to the other side of the room, Roy let his shoulders sag as the compounding evening was catching up. "I'm so sorry, Alphonse," Roy whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't protect him. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. But I promise... I'll take care of him."
Roy held his hand hovering over the seal. It was the only place he felt close to Alphonse. “I promise I’ll do my best.” Roy placed his bloodied finger to the seal. It was a part of Edward and Alphonse both.
Roy couldn’t quite recall what came next. All he remembered was warmth under his fingertips and a blinding flash of light that knocked him back.
———
Havoc was trying to give his boss whatever privacy the small dorm allowed. He had to collect his thoughts about everything anyway. Mustang needed to do the same. He was off all evening. But it made sense. He saw Ed. He saw the pictures and he didn’t say it explicitly, but Havoc figured that where it happened was not pretty. Havoc could tell by the way his face had contorted painfully as he described the the room where the transmutations took place.
He deserved to be a little off and unsettled, but they didn’t have that luxury. The colonel knew that. The way his face had changed as he turned back to Alphonse’s body said as much. He was in pain, but it was time to close off the horror and kill that terrible feeling in his gut.
Havoc tried not to listen to the words spoken, as much as he was curious. Those were probably his true farewell. He deserved some respect and privacy.
Mustang yelped behind him as light lit up the walls in front of Havoc. His silhouette flashed in front of him like from a horror story.
Jean spun on his heels, eyes wide, gut clenching even more tightly as icy claws shredded his stomach, goring it on the floor.
Roy had been thrown bodily to the floor several feet from Alphonse’s body, rolling over himself. The way his head cracked against the floor was painful to watch. He had made no effort to break the fall.
Havoc didn't understand alchemy. Ed--God, that was painful, every reminder was maybe a little too much to bear while it was still so fresh--he had tried to teach Havoc the basics. It always seemed more to remind Havoc how impressive it was that Ed was able to do something so remarkable such as alchemy. At least, that's how it always felt to an idiot like Havoc.
His body stalled and he knew that was the wrong reaction. His commanding off-- his friend had been thrown across the room.
Havoc uprooted his feet, and pounded toward Mustang, losing any regard for officers in other rooms. They stopped mattering when a child ended up dead and again when Roy was lying there completely still.
Havoc dropped to his knees, pressing his fingers to Mustang's throat for a pulse. Blood was dripping sluggishly down the man's cheek from his nose. His pulse was strong; it was a bit quick, but not dangerously so. Havoc grabbed the man's shoulders, shaking enough that he was hoping it would rouse him.
A creaky screech, followed by light clanking echoed behind Havoc and he froze in place. Every other thought in his head fizzled out and died when it was thrown in for comparison.
He knew what it was, but he refused to believe they were that lucky. They deserved this, didn't they? He deserved to hope when the alternative was both of them dead.
His head turned, feeling almost like it was creaking from a rusty blockage in his neck.
"Lieutenant Havoc?"
Havoc had never heard a sweeter sound in his life. He dove at Alphonse. Had he known he'd been on his feet? No, it had come as a surprise. "You're alive. Oh, God, y--you're alive." He knew he was crying. Havoc wasn't even sure if they were tears of joy or grief.
Alphonse’s tinny voice sounded confused. "What's going on? Why is it dark? What are you doing here?" He wasn't returning the embrace. He didn't know that only moments ago, he'd been dead. "Lieutenant Havoc, where's my brother?"