Chapter Text
John was so damn sick of this!
Every meal time since Rodney and Jennifer had started seeing each other was the same:
“Rodney, you need to be kinder.”
“Rodney, you need to be sweeter.”
“Rodney, you didn’t need to be to mean to that tech. Remember, we were working on this.”
“Rodney, just hold my hand, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“Rodney why can’t you just be nicer? You know, like you were that first day when we got you back from the melted glacier planet. If you could manage it then, you can manage it now.”
Every time they sat down to a meal John had to listen to it. Jennifer was like a pageant mum, constantly coaching and criticizing Rodney, and John was sick to death of it.
They all knew Rodney could be difficult, petty, prickly and bad with people, the man made no secret of it. Did it drive John a little crazy sometimes? Of course it did, but that was who Rodney was. After knowing the man for so many years, having saved each other from near death on multiple occasions and having spent countless hours with him outside of work time, John had come to accept those parts of Rodney.
No, not just accept them, love them.
Rodney may have rough edges, but when it came down to it, he was a loyal and true friend. He cared about all of them, even if he showed it in ways most other people didn’t understand, and he could be abrasive or insulting at times, but he was honest. After growing up in an environment where no one was ever honest about anything, and all of their words were veiled, sugar coated lies, John valued honesty no matter how it was delivered.
They’d gotten to know each other really well over the last five years and John had learnt to see past the acerbic surface to the man underneath; a man who was brilliant and passionate, but also terribly insecure and wounded by his past. He saw the world differently to the rest of them, and because of that he could do things most other people could only dream of, but it also meant he struggled to understand things like personal interaction and social graces.
It was all part of who Rodney was and John was completely in love with him, not in spite of these things, but because of them. Rodney was complex and barbed, but also fun and beautiful, and John would have loved nothing more than to be able to show him just how much he loved him for all those things. He never had though, because Rodney was straight, and John hadn’t wanted to ruin their friendship or make things awkward between them by telling him.
He’d struggled watching Rodney with Katie, particularly the day the man had shown him the ring he’d bought for her, but at least Katie hadn’t tried to change Rodney. This relationship with Jennifer had annoyed John from the beginning because he knew Jennifer didn’t love Rodney; you couldn’t love someone when you disliked so much about them.
The constant criticism drove John crazy. Yes, Rodney was critical of people as well, but not of their personality. Jennifer seemed to be on a constant quest to change everything about who Rodney was, and John knew it was hurting Rodney, but the scientist just kept going along with it and John couldn’t understand why.
Actually, that wasn’t true, he did understand why; Rodney was feeling his age and was desperate to find someone, he was sick of being alone and John could understand that all too well.
Jennifer was the wrong person for Rodney. She was so immature despite how she came across, she could also be terribly petty and spiteful; John had seen that for himself when she’d tried to keep Rodney from going to the shrine when Rodney had the parasite in his head. She knew she couldn’t save him, but she was determined to undermine any attempt they made to help him because it didn’t fit in with her plan.
And damn it all, she wanted to change everything about the man John loved; he couldn’t forgive her for that.
No, she wasn’t right for Rodney, in any way, and John hated that Rodney let his own desperation to have someone blind him to the fact that he would never be truly happy with her.
John could make him happy, if the scientist ever gave him the chance. He would love Rodney exactly as he deserved to be loved, not try to change him or make him into a different person.
John hated Jennifer.
They had Carson back now, what did they even need her on Atlantis for?
The most recent development in the Rodney/Jennifer drama had John balling his hands into fists under the table in an attempt to keep from yelling at the bitch.
They were stuck on Earth while they were waiting for the IOA to decide when they could take the city back to Pegasus. While they were there Jennifer had insisted on Rodney having his hair treated to stop the thinning, and Rodney, obviously wanting to keep Jennifer onside, had gone along with it.
John was surprised to see that the treatment was working, the scientist’s hair had started to thicken up again quite spectacularly, and he was sure Jennifer would be happy about it; after all, the whole reason she’d wanted him to have it treated in the first place was so he didn’t look too old beside her far too young self.
Yet, here they were, sitting at the table arguing because Rodney was sick of going to the laser place when he had other work to do, and couldn’t understand why she was still trying to make him go for more treatments.
John couldn’t understand either, but then he couldn’t understand why she’d insisted on it in the first place. So Rodney’s hair was thinning, big fucking deal, there were a lot of more important things to be worried about in the universe, things that Rodney wanted to be worrying about, but couldn’t when Jennifer was dragging him along to appointments for trivial shit.
Just another sign of her immaturity.
“It’s just a few more treatments, Rodney,” Jennifer was arguing in her most wheedling voice.
“But what for? The ones I’ve already had have worked fine; it’s all pretty much grown back. If I get anymore hair on me I’ll start to look like a monkey, is that what you want?” Rodney argued back, sounding annoyed.
“Of course not, I just want to make sure the treatment sticks.” Jennifer’s voice was supposed to sound sweet, to John it just sounded patronising.
“Jennifer, we’re sitting around on Earth, with no wraith threat, in the lost city of the ancients. I could be searching through new labs and making new discoveries that could change the very future of the human race, in every galaxy. I have more important things to be worrying about and doing with my time than dealing with a problem that quite frankly isn’t even a problem.”
That’s right, Rodney, you tell her!
“It is a problem, Rodney. What about when we get married? Don’t you want to look nice in our photos?”
The entire thought of them getting married made John feel sick, but worse still was the look of hurt on Rodney’s face after she’d said it.
“Why wouldn’t I look nice as I am?” he asked, sounding as hurt as he looked, and John felt his heart ache for the other man.
“I’m not saying you wouldn’t, I’m just saying you could look better,” Jennifer replied placatingly. “Remember we’re been talking about making compromises for your partner. This is something I want for us, don’t you want to make me happy?” she asked, in the most sickeningly, condescending tone John had ever heard.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back; John couldn’t sit here and listen to this anymore.
“Okay, you know what? Shut the fuck up!” He snapped, drawing the attention of their entire table. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded, when Jennifer looked over at him in shock. “How can you be so damn petty as to pull a line like that? Compromise? That’s absolute crap and you know it! There’s no compromise, this is just another example of Jennifer trying to manipulate Rodney into giving in to what she wants; yet another way you’re trying to change him to suit your ideal! That’s not compromise, Jennifer, that’s coercion, and the fact that you feel the need to try and constantly change him means that you don’t love him for who he is. If you can’t do that then you don’t love him at all, and if you can’t love him the way he deserves then you don’t deserve him!” John snarled.
The entire table stared back at him in shocked silence, while Jennifer looked both stunned and outraged. She opened and closed her mouth several times before finally coming out with, “I don’t see how this is any of your business, Colonel.”
“Oh really? It’s not? We sit here every meal time and listen to you go on and on at Rodney about how he needs to change, and don’t think for a moment that we don’t realise why you do it here rather than behind closed doors where other people can’t hear you; you want us to validate your opinions. Well, I don’t. Rodney is who he is and there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s my friend, and I’m not just going to sit here and let you constantly make him feel bad about himself. If you can’t handle that, then how about airing your dirty laundry somewhere else, or better yet, how about accepting the man you claim to love for who he is rather than who you want him to be. If you can’t do that, then fuck off and let him find someone who can.”
Jennifer looked absolutely livid as John pushed his chair back and got up.
“Oh, and by the way, ‘compromise’ works both ways. When was the last time you ‘compromised’ about anything, Jennifer?” he asked, giving her a moment to gape at him like a goldfish before saying, “That’s exactly what I thought, never.”
He walked away from the table, not caring what else she had to say, or any of the others for that matter; he was through just sitting by and watching the trainwreck.
Not to mention it hurt far too much.
He got back to his quarters and had a quick shower, brushing his teeth and shaving his face before heading back out to his bed, wondering what he should do now.
He didn’t have long to wonder, as suddenly the door slid open and in burst a very agitated scientist.
“What the hell was that?” Rodney demanded before the door had ever had a chance to open all the way.
John thought the door shut and locked before giving the other man a calm, mild expression in return. It never paid to get worked up with Rodney when he was already worked up.
“I think it was pretty obvious,” he replied. “But in case it wasn’t, I was telling your ‘girlfriend’ to stop being such a jerk to you.”
“But … but … why would you do that?” Rodney demanded.
“Because you deserve better,” John replied honestly.
“Better than Jennifer? And where in the universe do you think I’m going to find better than Jennifer? I’m not exactly in demand in case you haven’t noticed. Even in Pegasus where people don’t understand the whole jock and nerd crap, all the hot alien women want you; the hot, muscular, military man, not me. I know you’ve noticed, you thrive on the attention.”
John didn’t actually, he just did what he had to do to keep people onside, which wasn’t always easy when Rodney was so good at getting people offside. John wasn’t about to bring that up now though.
“Rodney, there is better out there for you; don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and not who they want you to be?” John asked, trying to make his friend understand.
“Well yes, that would be lovely, but no one does,” Rodney replied angrily. “Don’t you think I’ve tried to find someone like that? Don’t you think I’ve looked all over two damn galaxies for a woman who doesn’t get turned off by my failings? Of course I have, but they don’t exist, and I am sick to death of being alone. I know it’s not a big deal for people like you, you could have anybody you wanted,” oh how untrue that was, “it’s not so easy for people like me and I’m just … I’m just so tired of it. I thought you understood that,” he finished sadly, looking down.
“I do understand that, Rodney, in spite of what you seem to think, I know how it feels to want someone and I know how it feels to be lonely. But being with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, just for the sake of not being alone, is a recipe for disaster and self-loathing; trust me, I know,” John replied gently thinking back to his marriage.
Rodney dropped down onto the bed beside him, still looking down at his hands which were fidgeting in his lap.
“Please, John, don’t make me feel bad about this,” he said, in a voice that broke John’s heart. “I never find someone who is willing to stick around for more than a few dates, Jennifer is and I … I can’t handle reading another email from my sister asking me when I’m finally going to settle down, reminding me that I’m not getting any younger. I just want someone to come home to at night, is that really such a bad thing?”
“Even if that person doesn’t really love you?” John asked, his voice as sad as Rodney’s. “Even if they make you change so much that you don’t even recognise yourself anymore? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Rodney, I just don’t want to see you … waste yourself on someone who doesn’t deserve you. Don’t you want to feel loved for you?”
“Of course I do, but let’s be honest, John, who’s going to do that?” Rodney asked, sounding so defeated John couldn’t stand it.
He shouldn’t do this, he knew he shouldn’t, but he had to say something,; he couldn’t bear hearing Rodney sound so sad, “I do,” he said quietly.
“You do what?” Rodney asked softly.
“I love you,” John clarified, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of that being out in the open.
Rodney looked up at him, his eyes wide with alarm, “You … you … is that why you said that to Jennifer? You were hoping we’d break up so you could …?”
“No,” John interrupted, before Rodney could get too far into that line of inquiry. “I know you don’t feel that way about me, Rodney, if I thought there was even the slightest chance that you did, I would have told you years ago.”
“Years?” Rodney breathed, sounding shocked.
“I never intended to tell you this, and I’m not telling you now in the hopes that you’ll be with me instead of Jennifer, I’m telling you this because I want you to know that there is someone out there that loves you completely for who you are, and if there’s one, there’s got to be more,” John explained. “Don’t settle for someone who just sort of likes you, or says they’ll love you if you change to suit their prerequisites; find someone who loves you and cherishes you for all the incredible that you are. The right person isn’t going to care that you’re prickly or short sometimes, they’re not going to demand that you be sweeter or kinder, or ask you to change how you look, because they will love you for you. I love you, Rodney, not in spite of anything about you, but because of everything about you, and if I love you like that, somebody else will too.”
Rodney didn’t say anything, so John continued, “If you choose not to listen to me and go back to Jennifer anyway, that’s up to you, but I’m not going to sit mutely by and watch her tear your heart to pieces right in front of me. It hurts watching the person I love more than anyone who has ever lived be destroyed for the whims of a selfish little girl, and I can’t do it anymore, I’m sorry.”
Rodney stared at him in shocked silence for another few moments, then he got up and left the room without a word.
John closed his eyes and sighed; a silent Rodney was never a good thing.
That was yet another friend John had lost and would never get back, all he could content himself with was the fact that this time his friend hadn’t died.
He thought the lights off and crawled under the covers, letting a few silent tears fall.
If nothing else he hoped he’d given the scientist something to think about; if not, he’d lost his best friend for nothing.
XX
John avoided everyone as much as possible for the next several days, which wasn’t hard when there was barely anything for him to do while being stuck on Earth. There were whispers all around the city about John’s blow up at Jennifer, but he did his best to avoid listening to any of them, only leaving his office to get his gym time in and train his marines.
He had no idea what was going on with Rodney and Jennifer, he hadn’t seen or heard from the scientist at all and he wasn’t expecting to; he doubted Rodney would ever speak to him again, with maybe the exception of official work conversation.
At the end of the week he left the city and headed out to visit his brother, the pair of them going out for a night on the town- where John tried desperately to find someone he wanted to hook up with, but failed dismally because no one would ever match up to Rodney-.
When Sunday night rolled around he headed back to the city, knowing he had to be there, despite there being almost nothing to do -even less now that Rodney wasn’t calling on him for light switch duties, and damn did he miss those-. When he was beamed back into the central tower he checked in with the techs on duty. After receiving the expected response of ‘nothing happened’, he headed for his room, thankful that it was relatively late and he didn’t run into anyone.
He’d barely started unpacking when the door chime rang, and he called for whoever it was to come in, figuring it was probably Teyla coming by to check in and ask about his weekend.
He was floored when Rodney walked into the room, nerves obvious in his expressive blue eyes.
“Hi,” the scientist greeted.
“Hi,” John greeted back, not knowing what else to say.
The door slipped shut behind him and John waited patiently to hear what the scientist was going to say. Eventually Rodney burst out with, “I’m not gay, I’ve never even looked at another man that way.”
“I know, Rodney,” John replied calmly, keeping the fact that this made him want to cry to himself. “I told you, I didn’t tell you how I felt about you to try and convince you to be with me; so if you’re here to tell me that it’s not going to happen, you really don’t need to bother.”
Rodney shook his head, “No, I want you to kiss me,” the other man replied, and John felt like Ronon had belted him upside the head with a mallet.
“What?” he asked very eloquently.
“I want you to kiss me,” Rodney repeated, moving further into the room.
“But … you just said you don’t go for guys,” John reminded him.
“No, I said I never have before,” Rodney corrected, “but then I’ve never had a man tell me he loves me before … I’ve never had anyone tell me that and mean it. So, if you really love me like you say you do, I want you to kiss me, and show me what it’s like to be kissed by someone who actually loves me,” he explained.
John would easily admit that he was in shock, but he wasn’t going to miss this opportunity.
He moved forward until he was just outside Rodney’s preferred bubble of personal space and asked, “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Rodney replied and John could see the sincerity in his eyes.
“All right, close your eyes,” John instructed and Rodney did it, his hands fidgeting nervously at his sides.
John knew he had to do this right, he moved in closer to the other man, reaching out to gently cradle the scientist’s head in his hands, stroking Rodney’s jaw gently with his thumbs.
He didn’t go straight for Rodney’s lips, as inviting as they were. He started with his forehead, then moved down to his temple, then one of those incredible cheek bones followed by the other. Rodney was trembling slightly as John’s lips ghosted over his cheek, then the corner of his mouth before finally closing over those lips he’d been dreaming of kissing.
He kissed them gently at first, worshiping them with his own, before finally taking them in a soft, sweet kiss; nothing invasive or demanding, just gentle and loving.
When he pulled back, he was hurt to find the scientist looking back at him with tears in his wide, blue eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you, I-”
Rodney leant forward and kissed him, cutting off whatever John was going to say … he currently had no idea what that was going to be because all logical thought had fled his brain.
He moaned as Rodney’s arms wrapped around his neck and those strong, nimble fingers combed into the back of his hair. He mirrored the scientist’s hold, surprised by the passion he felt from the other man as he kissed him back, hoping to god this wasn’t just an amazing dream.
When the kiss ended several moments later, Rodney folded his body into John’s, pressing his tear wet face into John’s neck.
“Are you okay?” John asked softly, wrapping one of his arms tightly around Rodney’s still trembling frame, while the other gently stroked his hair.
Rodney shook his head, holding him tighter. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get here … if I can … but I want to try,” he said tearfully. “I’m sorry, I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever get to where you are, this is really different for me-”
“Rodney, I love you,” John reminded him softly, feeling so far beyond elated there were no words for it. “The fact that you even want to try is … incredible, it’s far more than I ever thought could happen.” He kissed the scientist’s soft hair, feeling tears of his own pricking at his eyes. “I would rather live the rest of my life in a completely platonic relationship with you, than be anything with anyone else,” he admitted and he heard Rodney’s breath hitch softly.
He didn’t care how long it took, or even if he never got there, he loved this man and he would give him every reason to try.
They didn’t speak again for a long time, they just held each other, and John was in no hurry to change that.
It was Rodney who eventually broke the silence, “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything,” John replied honestly.
“I haven’t slept properly since the last time we spoke and I need to go back to my room and sleep … can you come with me?” he asked, in a small, hesitant voice. “I’m not … ready to do anything yet, but … when I wake up in the morning the first thing my brain is going to do is question breaking up with Jennifer, and … if you’re there, I’ll be able to remind myself of why I did it.”
John got it, he really did, Rodney over thought everything and this was never going to be any different.
“Of course I will,” he agreed easily. “I’ll do whatever you need to make this easier for you, okay, I don’t want you to feel nervous asking.”
“Thank you,” Rodney replied, pulling back and looking at John, with a stew of emotions in his expressive eyes so thick John didn’t know how the man wasn’t rocking in a corner.
He knew this had to be hard for him, it had been hard for John to admit he wasn’t entirely straight all those years ago, and he wasn’t an overthinker like Rodney.
“Just give me a minute to get changed, okay, I’ll be right back,” John said with a soft smile and Rodney nodded.
John gave his arms a gentle squeeze and headed back into his closet to find something comfortable to sleep in. He threw on a pair of track pants and a more relaxed fit t-shirt then, headed back out into the bedroom where Rodney was waiting, ringing his hands nervously.
John moved over to stand in front of him, reaching out to take his hands softly, “Are you okay?”
“No,” Rodney replied and John wasn’t surprised.
“I know this is hard, I’ll do everything I can to help you, okay. All of this is at your pace, Rodney,” he said, looking into his love’s eyes so the man could see that he was sincere.
He saw Rodney absorb the acceptance and was pleased when some of the nerves seemed to settle.
“Ready to go?” John asked and Rodney nodded, keeping a hold of one of John’s hands as he headed out of the room.
They didn’t live far from each other and it took no time at all to get to Rodney’s quarters. Rodney immediately headed back into the bathroom and John sat down on the bed, waiting for him to come back, pinching himself more than a few times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming this; it seemed too good to be true.
When Rodney came back out of the bathroom, in pretty much the same outfit as John, he moved over to the bed and sat down on the opposite side, taking a deep breath.
“How do you want to do this, Rodney?” John asked him softly. “We can just sleep on opposite sides of the bed, we don’t have to have any more contact than necessary if that’s easier for you,” he offered.
“No, I … want you to touch me, it feels nice,” the scientist replied, looking as if the very concept delighted him and made him nervous in equal measure.
Feeling more than a little elated at that John lay down on the bed and held his arms out to his love, who lay down beside him and scooted over to press his back to John’s chest.
John smiled as he closed his arms around Rodney, burying his face in the scientist’s hair, and enjoying the bliss of the moment.
He was holding Rodney, in Rodney’s bed; this was the best damn day ever.