Undaunted

by escherlat

Summary:

The Caulfields, an up-and-coming wealthy family, move to Arcadia Bay to aid the Prescotts in transforming the sleepy coastal town into an elite get away. Obsessed with image and making a name for themselves, they'll stop at nothing to live the life they've always dreamed!

Their only child wants nothing to do with it. Max Caulfield is a young trans woman trying to survive in a family who thinks nothing of forcing her into a controllable niche, turning a blind eye to how they and their world tread on her.

Chapter 1

In the stark bareness of the hall, hands gripped the backpack loop tightly. An urge to check the bag’s contents seized Max. It was irresistible. Placing the bag on the back of the couch, she unzipped the top. A quick rifle through it confirmed, for probably the hundredth time, she had everything for the day.

Blowing air out noisily, she zipped the bag shut and slung it over her shoulder. A nearby mirror caught her eye and she couldn’t resist looking. She fingered the short locks, slightly frowning at how the sides wouldn’t lay right.

I wish it would grow faster. I wonder how long before-

Cutting off the thought, she hitched up the backpack and turned away. But the thought had already loosed a torrent which formed into a shadowy weight on her.

Don’t think about it.

A fucking useless attempt, as always. The constant reminder loomed over her, dimming her anticipation for the day. Trudging through the kitchen, she entered the garage. The big door rumbled to life at the touch of a button.

While it rose, she put her arm through the other backpack strap and tried not to think of the day’s end. Minutes later, all geared up and ready, she pedaled the bike awkwardly out of the garage.

At the end of the driveway, she paused to gaze at the sky. Arcadia Bay wasn’t nearly as overcast as Seattle, and she welcomed the sunlight filtering through the trees.

Today…

Don’t think about it!

Hitting the button on her garage remote, she shoved it in the bag, then took off down the winding packed-earth road. Amongst the thick stands of trees, peeked the skeletons of half-built homes. There were a few completed houses, with even fewer occupied. The current state of Pan Estates was a strange wasteland of homes scattered among the forest, an illusion of privacy at the edge of town.

The packed-dirt gave way to asphalt as she left phase one of the community behind. Sidewalks sprung up, along with black metal street lights fashioned like gas lamps of a hundred years ago. A few finished homes stood in this publicly visible part of Pan Estates, all occupied. Rounding a corner, she approached the largest building in the community.

The community center, or clubhouse as her parents liked to call it, was a thing of metal bones and dull gray skin near the development’s public entrance. Remnants of the morning mist obscured the base, giving the sense of a monstrosity rising from the smoke of its creation.

Or ruin.

She stopped to take a picture of the partial structure. A breeze stirred the fog, sending streamers across the ground like fingers reaching for purchase. Max shivered and wondered whether the outfit she’d chosen was best for the current chill. It was supposed to warm up towards noon and she hoped the forecast was correct.

The distant sounds of construction echoed through the forested streets. Hammers pounded, people shouted, saws whirred loudly through wood, but all was too far away to see or be seen.

Her destination wasn’t far from the community center. Well, her first destination. Putting her camera away, she began pedaling again. She rode past the imposing structure and turned onto a street with no signs of construction. Near its end she coasted to a stop. Hopping off the bike, she walked it the remaining feet to the lone port-a-potty. A quick glance around confirmed no one was here. Why a port-a-potty was in this area she didn’t understand nor care. All that mattered was it was unused and out of sight.

Leaning her bike next to the blue plastic hut, she propped her helmet on the handlebars. The pack slid off her shoulders to dangle from one arm as she stepped to the door. Her pulse quickened, requiring another look around. Satisfied she was alone among the trees and bushes and grass, she opened the door and stepped inside.

The interior was cramped and poorly lit. At least it smelled halfway decent, if you ignored the chemical fumes coming from the toilet. With the door securely locked, she set to work.

She hung the backpack on the hook inside the door. A perfect place to keep it off the nasty floor. Once in position, she unzipped it and dug out the towel and wipes. With a practiced routine she quickly sterilized the area. The towel gave her a clean surface to stand on. Dumping the used wipes into a plastic baggy, she put it in her pack then pulled out the clothes she’d carefully packed.

A weight formed in her gut as she looked at them. The texture, so similar to what she wore yet so different, instilled a sad comfort to her fingers.

It’s the last time…

Wiping her nose and shaking her head, she set the clothes on a clean surface then began to disrobe. Each piece she removed was carefully folded and set aside.

Today, she needed all her tricks, all her tools. The weight pulled at her heart, seeming to stretch and fracture it. In response, her throat and chest tightened, as if they could keep her heart from falling apart from their pressure.

Air became scarce as she held up the skirt. The poor lighting disappeared, and the world shook.

It’ll… be ok. I’ll wear this and… and…

And be who I really am.

For the last time.

She believed it, mostly. The previous two weeks had been so liberating, so fulfilling. The excitement and joy and sense of wholeness at the beginning had propelled her in ways she’d never imagined. Now, she was nearly broke and had some outfits she wouldn’t have imagined only a few months ago.

The world tilted and spun as she stepped into the skirt. A hand on the wall steadied her enough to pull the garment up. The bra was next, then the make-shift padding.

Ugh. I forgot about the stockings!

The cramped space and lack of good seating made them a pain to put on.

Next time, I’ll wear them under my pants.

She winced and gulped.

If there is a next time.

The dim world blurred.

There’ll be a next time… right?

Forcing the thoughts away, she struggled into the tights. With a little flashlight, she checked the designs were relatively straight. A few seconds later, she wore a simple pink top. A plain gold chain necklace, with a little butterfly, and a few colorful plastic bracelets completed this stage.

After removing the boots and makeup bag from the pack, she carefully packed her clothes away. Sniffing loudly, she dabbed her eyes with a tissue, then opened the makeup bag.

A few minutes later, she cautiously stepped from the port-a-potty. It had been a pain to complete her look with only a tiny hand mirror and poor lighting. Doubt clouded her mind. Still, what she’d seen had filled her with… filled her with… a sense all was right and she could do anything.

As long as no one noticed.

A moment later, her camera was in hand. With the sun facing her, she held up the boxy Polaroid, smiled, and snapped a picture. It would go into her secret journal. A place that captured her life of these past two weeks. She put the camera away while she waited for the picture to develop.

A lovely girl gazed at her with a half-smile. Fingers touched the possibility, tracing hope in the contours.

Maybe one day…

She put the picture away and slung the pack on her shoulders.

*mew*

With a hand on her helmet, she looked around.

*mew*

*mew*

A tiny fluff ball stepped from behind the port-a-potty. Grey and white with gangly legs, it wobbled toward her.

“Aww,” Max cooed as she knelt down. With one hand extended, she said, “pspspsps.”

*mew*

The kitty trotted over, halting a few inches from her hand. It looked up, narrowing its eyes against the sunlight. Tentatively, it sniffed her fingers then nosed them.

*mew*

The kitty rubbed against her hand, slinking underneath to press against it. It continued meowing and soon her hand vibrated from its purrs.

“Where do you live, little kitty?” She asked while stroking its back.

*mew?*

“Oh, you live here? Such a grand place.”

*mew mew mew*

Now it rubbed against her legs, the fur tickling her through the stockings. There wasn’t a collar and the nearest house was several blocks away.

“Are you thirsty?”

*mew*

A few feet away was a dented metal can. “This looks perfect,” she said as she picked up the can and examined it. Digging a water bottle from her pack, she poured some water in the can and set it near the port-a-potty. Immediately, the kitty ran to the can and sniffed it.

*mew*

It looked at her with unblinking eyes then began to lap up the water. She watched it a while.

“I don’t have any food with me. Maybe I can bring some over later?”

*mew?*

The kitten glanced at her, then continued drinking. Slowly, Max stood. With a smile in her soul, she went to her bike. A moment later, helmet on, backpack secured, she climbed onto her bike and set off. A shadow raced her down the street, keeping pace. Its vaguely feminine outline made her skin tingle.

That’s me!

Leaving Pan Estates far behind, she rode past fields and trees before entering the town proper. Homes and businesses popped up on either side of the street. In their broad windows raced a girl, red flannel flapping in the wind, as her bike sped down the road. Each glimpse of a reflection ate away the doubt, pushed away the dire thoughts lurking in her heart.

It didn’t matter that she rode a mountain bike in a skirt and boots.

It didn’t matter today was the last day of freedom, of being herself.

It didn’t matter whether her eyeliner was straight or eyeshadow blended well or lipstick matched her outfit.

All that mattered was she was herself.

A rare confidence filled her as she headed for the last stop before meeting up with her friends. A merry tune popped into her head and she hummed as she made one last turn.

The truck stop was just ahead. It was busy, with half a dozen tractor-trailers on one side, along with several automobiles on the other side. Parking her bike, she secured it, then walked to the door.

“Excuse me, miss,” a largish, grizzled man said as he shoved the door open. It almost knocked her over.

“No worries,” she whispered.

He called me miss!

Cheeks burning, she nodded then hurried inside. Winding through the aisles, careful to stay in their center, she made her way toward the showers. A thought stopped her at the hallway entrance.

That poor kitty. I should get some food for it.

Thankfully, the store had a package of kitten food. She winced at the exorbitant price. The regular grocery store would have it at a fraction of the price but the thought of going there filled her with dread. She grabbed the bag, brought it to the counter, and kept her eyes down as a bored man with empty eyes rang it up. She paid for it with her depleted funds, stuffed the bag and receipt into her pack, and returned to her task.

Back at the entrance to the showers, a quick scan showed the hall was empty. She darted down it to the lockers. Shoving the helmet in one, she dug her little purse and phones from her backpack before cramming it next to the helmet. Slamming the door shut, she locked it, noted the number, then tucked the key into her purse. The purse was just big enough for her phones, lipstick, and key.

No one paid attention to her as she exited the building. She wove a path among the cars and fuel pumps to the sidewalk. When the highway was clear, she jogged to the other side. From there, it was a short walk to the Two Whales diner to meet her friends.

She paused outside the blue building with broad, shiny windows. The little diner had become a kind of refuge for her this past week. Friends and good food waited inside, ready to welcome her into the world she chose.

Other people also waited within. Travelers, townspeople, cops, fishers, truckers, and more frequented the cozy diner on the ocean-front highway. People who could see through her, study her, judge her. With a hand on the handle, she took a deep breath, braced herself, and shoved the thoughts away.

The bell jingled the moment the door opened. Country music from the jukebox mixed with the hubbub of conversation and the low commentary from the TV. The faint smell of old smoke and grease and food hung in the air.

“Max!” A hand waved wildly from near the jukebox.

Nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and trying to ignore the way her fingers trembled, Max waved back.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Steph said.

Max slid onto the seat next to Chloe, all too aware of her nearness.

“Yep,” Max said, a faint tremor in her voice.

Please don’t notice. Please don’t notice.

“Sounding a bit hoarse there,” Rachel said.

Pulse quickening, jaw clenching, Max fought an urge to run. “Just… need something to drink.”

“Oh, don’t pay attention to her,” Steph said with a glare at Rachel. “She’s upset because daddy took away her driving privileges and she’s taking it out on everyone.”

“I told him it wasn’t my fault,” Rachel protested, “Victoria wouldn’t shut up so I-“

“Fuck that,” Chloe interrupted, “it’s done and past. We still got my truck and-“

“No fucking way are we fitting four people in your truck,” Steph said.

The familiar, teasing manner the three girls spoke with each other was so satisfying. Their back and forth continued while Max silently watched them.

Watch wasn’t the right word. The way they held themselves, their gestures and looks, the words and phrases they used, each she studied and absorbed. They were part of a secret she struggled to unlock. Part of her believed if she could just figure it out, understand the secret, the nagging doubts would finally go away.

Rachel, with her blond hair, perfect makeup, and confidence awed her. The leather jacket over a simple top gave her an air of effortless beauty. She leaned back with an impish smile as she delivered another teasing remark to Chloe.

Next to her sat Steph, her girlfriend. Max loved her hair color and over the week had often wondered whether she could get her hair dyed the same. She gave Max a half-smile before sipping her coffee. Never without her beanie, she loved her gaming t-shirts, achieving a casual style Max envied.

Then there was Chloe, with her blue hair, loose tank-top, and tattoo. She seemed a mixture of Steph and Rachel, with a simple beauty Max admired along with a casual confidence of who she was that intimidated her. There was a presence to Chloe beyond anything she had encountered before.

I… I’m nothing compared to them. Why do they let me hang out with them?

A drink appeared in front of Max, disturbing her thoughts. In confusion, she looked at the drink then the server, who was already retreating to the counter.

Did I order this?

After checking her friends already had drinks in front of them, Max cautiously moved it closer. Unwrapping the straw, she put it in the cup, then took a long drink. The cool liquid immediately told her she’d forgotten to do something before leaving home.

Pushing the drink away, she returned her attention to her friends. Hopefully, it would distract from the discomfort growing down below.

A reddish color drew caught her attention. Red lipstick marked the end of the straw. Flutters filled her chest, chasing away the brooding doubts, when she realized it was her straw.

“What do you think, Max?” Steph’s question made her blink.

“Wh-what?”

“Should Chloe try to get the keys to her mom’s car or should we cram all of us into her truck cab?”

“Well… um…”

Think, Max, think!

To get Joyce’s keys, she’ll need to talk to her. That means… oh yeah!

“Um… I could just stay home,” Max said, “then you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Fuck no,” Chloe said, “you wanted a girl’s night out and you’re gonna get it.”

“But that means-“

“That’s my problem.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“Girl!” Chloe leaned forward, an unreadable look on her face. “You’re not asking me. ‘Sides, I’ve a few ideas I’ve been wanting to try.”

Rachel laughed. “You could have said that first!”

“And miss out on our bonding?”

As Rachel leaned forward with a retort, Steph spoke up. “Hey, I gotta run to the girl’s room. Anyone else?”

Relief swept through Max. “I’ll join you,” she squeaked and swiftly exited the booth.

Side by side, they walked toward the restrooms at the far end of the diner. People glanced their way, spiking fear in Max.

Th-they know!

Someone will stop us… stop me and then…

No one stopped them. Steph pushed the door open and Max rushed in behind her then froze. She’d never used the toilet while someone else was present. The stalls faced her, gaping maws of uncertainty and potential betrayal.

Steph stepped to the sink and leaned forward. Her head tilted side to side. “Don’t wait for me,” she said lightly.

Cautiously, Max approached the stall furthest from the door and Steph. She locked herself into the small space, all too aware of Steph’s presence just a few feet away. It took only a few seconds to finish her business. A few stress-inducing seconds of anticipating someone would burst into the restroom and demand she leave. Seconds where she expected Steph to say something, to accuse her of… what?

Nothing happened.

Steph was still examining her face when she exited. Shrugging up her purse strap, Max stepped to the sink to wash her hands.

“Your makeup is on point.”

“Huh?” Max looked at Steph in confusion.

“It’s really improving. If you’d like, sometime I could show you a few tricks with eyeliner.”

“Ok?”

Flicking the loose water from her hands, she used a few paper towels to dry them. “Don’t… you need to…?”

Steph shook her head with a light laugh. “Nah, I saw you squirming in your seat and guessed what was going on. I did have a pesky eyelash bothering me, but it’s fixed now.”

A wave of elation swept through Max. In moments like this, it seemed unreal she’d only known the three girls for about a week. With them was a level of acceptance she’d hoped to find but never expected to experience. Confusion peppered the elation. Steph’s words hinted at knowledge Max hadn’t shared. Her throat tightened as the world blurred.

When she reached up a hand to wipe her eyes, an other hand stopped it. “Use this,” Steph said, pressing a tissue into her hand. “Blot or dab. If you wipe, you’ll smear your mascara.”

With a nod, Max did as instructed. The world cleared a little.

“You ok to go out,” Steph asked after a few minutes.

Max nodded. “Th-thank you.”

“No big deal.”

But it was a big deal. Max walked back to their table, sure every eye was on her, judging her, finding every flaw to call out.

I’m probably walking wrong. Are my hips swaying? Am I walking too fast?

She slid onto the bench next to Chloe. She and Rachel were laughing about something. “Mom’ll be over in a few to take our order,” Chloe said.

“Mom?” Max looked around the diner in confusion.

“Yeah, my mom works here. She’s got morning shift today so you’ll get to meet her.”

“It’s why we’re here aaaaaaaalllllll the time,” Rachel teased. “Gotta get that friends and family discount.”

“The food’s fucking great, too!”

“Hey, Steph! You should totally ask mom about doing a gig here. You and Rach. There’s plenty of room here by the jukebox.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, Stephie, you totally should.” Rachel cuddled up to Steph, giving her puppy dog eyes.

Confusion burned inside Max. She’d never imagined being part of a world like this and its unexpected wholesomeness and cuteness gave her the warm fuzzies, even as it deepened a lifelong ache.

The three girls continued chatting, pulling Max into the conversation frequently. A friendly woman took their order, after Steph introduced her as Chloe’s mom.

The food arrived with fresh drinks. Max picked at her meal. Her stomach sent hunger pains shooting through her, gnawing her middle mercilessly, but she couldn’t make herself eat much.

“I still can’t believe,” Chloe said as she stole a fry from Max’s plate. “That your parents moved from a place like Seattle to a fucking backwater like Arcadia Bay.”

Max shrugged and pushed her fries toward Chloe. “Well, dad can work anywhere,” Max said, trying her best to look at Chloe without staring. There was something about her blue hair and devil-may-care attitude that spoke to her. It hinted of a life she wanted but couldn’t have.

“He and mom got tired of their commutes and traffic and just how fast the city was.”

“So they moved here?”

“Yeah? Mom’s involved with real estate and since Dad can work remotely.” She shrugged.

Chloe pushed the fries back to her. “Eat,” she whispered.

With a weak smile, Max ate a fry.

“What’s the plan?” Steph asked.

“Catch a movie. Hang out at my house. Hit up the lighthouse.”

“Play some D&D?”

Chloe and Rachel looked at each other and shrugged. “Sure. Hey Max, you ever play D&D?”

“Uh… no? What’s that?” She forced herself to eat another fry when Chloe looked at her.

“Oh, girl!” Steph exclaimed. “It’s a game that lets you be anything you want!”

“Adventure! Treasure! Magic!”

“Fucking hot women,” Chloe interjected. Rachel stuck her tongue out.

“Let me show you where to stick that.”

“Only one doing that is me,” Steph said with a look at Chloe.

Chloe chuckled and pushed another fry toward Max. Reluctantly, she picked it up and ate it. The burger sat on the plate with only three bites out of it.

“D&D then,” said Chloe. “We can swing by your place, Steph to get-“

Steph made a rude sound and said, “Fuck no, Price! I’ve got my stuff with me.”

“Ok, then where?”

The three debated the best place to play while Max stared at her plate. Another fry crept her way. Chloe had a warm smile when she looked up. Eat, she mouthed. Tentatively, Max held the fry. Her stomach demanded it but she wasn’t sure. Why eat more? She’d just gain weight and then none of her new outfits would fit.

Not that anyone cares if they do or not. Or even about me.

But, she ate.

They left the diner, with Chloe getting all the fries to go. When Max tried to pay her share, her friends refused to let her.

“Oh, before I forget,” Rachel said as they walked to Chloe’s truck. She dug around in her purse and retrieved a small box which she handed to Max.

“What’s this?” She turned the plain box over a few times.

“You were talking the other day about… how much you like lipstick but weren’t sure if you liked… the attention it brought. It made me think of this. Open it.”

With a furrowed brow, Max carefully opened one of the end flaps. Relief flashed through her when the flap popped out without creasing or tearing. A shake of the box caused another box to slide out. She turned the new box over, reading the words but not grasping them.

“Dusty Rose 5?”

“It should be a perfect match for your lip color,” Rachel said. “You can wear it and no one will know. Plus it’s SPF 25 so will provide some sun protection.”

The box of lipstick shook. Max opened and closed her mouth a few times while an unknown force squeezed her throat and chest so hard she coughed.

“Th-thank you,” she managed to force out.

“We got your back, girl.”

A fist lightly bopped her shoulder then Rachel was gone. She and Steph walked toward the back of the truck, where they paused for a moment chatting in low tones.

“Hey,” Steph called out. “The park’s not far from here. Rach and I are gonna walk.”

“'kay! See ya there.”

With a wave, the two walked toward the street, heads together in conversation.

“You gonna be ok?”

Max shook her head. “No,” she whispered, “but what else is new?”

“Can I tell you something?”

She caught her hand before it could wipe her eyes and instead blinked rapidly. It wasn’t the same but her sight was a little clearer. She turned to look at Chloe, who stood leaning to one side, one thumb tucked into a pocket.

“What?”

Chloe’s free hand came up to run through her hair, pushing the blue locks behind her ear. The strands were too short though and immediately fell back into place. “You’re hella pretty,” she said, then her eyes widened, and she stammered something else.

Max no longer existed. A thin sheet replaced the broken, warped being who called herself Max Caulfield. A nothingness consumed her, devouring all she was, and left hungrier than it began. Only an odd tingling remained, running up and down the surface of the shell.

A bright smile, awkward as it came and went, was her entire existence. It was her lifeline, a tether to reality.

“No, I’m not,” Max whispered. “I’m… nothing.”

Chloe hesitated, the smile faltering. “One day, you’ll see what I see. What others see.”

Shaking her head, Max looked down. The words should have sung in her soul, should have lifted her to the heavens to dance on the clouds. Instead, a gangly body that was too thin filled her mind. All sharp edges and corners and flat, with blood vessels marking jagged paths across the pale skin, it was topped by an unruly mop of brown hair. Not pretty. Not even cute.

“I wish I could,” she whispered, toeing a loose pebble on the pavement. “But I can’t. Not today. Not…” Sadness or despair clutched her throat in an iron grip, preventing the word ‘ever’ from escaping.

“You will,” Chloe said reassuringly. “And I’m gonna be there to see it.”

With a shrug, Max moved toward the passenger door. They got in the truck without another word and drove off.

During the meal, they’d decided on the beach as the best place to play. Although warm and breezy, few people would be there today. Plus, it kept them away from parents and other adults.

Steph and Rachel were making their way down the road, a small but bulky pack on Steph’s back. The truck slowly passed them, then angled toward an empty parking spot. Chloe backed the truck into a spot so it faced away from the beach, then killed the engine.

Chloe glanced at Max. “Hey,” she said, “we don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?” Max looked at Chloe, suddenly wondering whether she’d done something wrong.

“We could… get high or watch a movie. D&D has a lot of talking.”

With a shake of her head, Max said, “No, it sounds fun. I wanna… just be. Be like…”

Like you and Steph and Rachel.

But you’ll never have that because you aren’t!

With that, Max opened the door and slipped out of the truck, purse in hand. Wind rustled the grasses and trees scattered around the parking lot. The scents of brine and sand were thick, and she blinked in the bright light.

Steph and Rachel approached the truck.

“I’ve already got a few pre-mades you can use,” Steph said.

“Pre-made?” The truck door closed with a clang that made her jump.

“An existing character,” Rachel said, sliding her arm around her girlfriend’s waist.

“I… don’t know what any of that means.”

“Don’t worry,” Chloe said as she walked up to her. “We’ll help you figure it out.”

They walked down the path behind Rachel and Steph, Max suddenly aware of how close Chloe was. Not only that, a faint scent clung to her: tobacco and weed and grease and something else. Combined with her ease and confidence, Max’s brain decided “this is how Chloe smells” and “I like this.”

Head down, her eyes darted toward Chloe, the sand, Chloe, the sand, over and over and over.

She said I’m pretty. No one’s ever told me that before.

She just thinks this form of you is pretty. Wait until she sees the real you.

But can’t I just… be pretty?

You think this is pretty?! You think a girl like her, who used to date Rachel, would think a boob-less imposter is pretty?!

She knows-

Wait until tomorrow. Wait until she really sees you!

What if she already sees me?

She’ll laugh. They’ll all laugh. Like they always do.

Rachel and Steph already had stacks of paper laid out on a table. They piled strangely shaped colorful dice on the weathered wood next to the papers.

“Alright,” Steph said, setting up a wall-like board in front of her. “Max, I’ve got a half-elf Sorceress and a Tiefling swashbuckler already made; which one would you like?”

Max sat at the end of the bench. Her eyes strayed to Rachel’s chest then Steph’s, who was currently leaning over the table. Quickly, she lowered her eyes. “Um… I don’t know.”

See what you don’t have!

An urge to leave filled her. The padding in her bra chafed, reminding her of what of her deficiencies. Discomfort radiated from between her legs.

Two sheets of paper hung in the air, held aloft by a friendly smile, a beautiful face. A face with curves and beauty she’d never have.

It took everything in her to shove down the thoughts and feelings. Down, down, she pushed them, pushed everything, until she was empty and nothing.

Like I should be. Like I’ll always be.

“Sorceress?” The throaty whisper grated her ears and Max winced.

“Sure thing.” Steph placed several sheets in front of her.

The jarring difference between her voice and Steph’s, Rachel’s, and Chloe’s pummeled her. The joy brought by her charade was speeding toward an end. With dread, she scanned the paper with its strange words and numbers.

One last fun thing and then…

Cold exploded in the emptiness, the cold of absence and dread. With a trembling hand, she flipped the paper over. Several sheets were underneath.

“Fuck yeah,” Chloe said, “let’s get this started!”

“Morning dawns,” Steph began, “the morning after Callamastia and Mel defeated Teroc the Red Handed. You awaken in the Thirsty Bard, a local tavern-“

“Wait, wasn’t it a brothel,” interrupted Chloe.

Rolling her eyes, Steph said, “Yes, it’s a tavern and an inn and a place where independent sex workers entertain their clients. Callamastia awakens in the arms of Moki, the half-orc who runs the place because you rolled a nat 20 when trying to seduce her.”

“Fuck yeah! I kiss Moki good morning then leap to my feet, ready for another day.!

Max watched the three girls with wide eyes. An energy had infused Steph and Chloe, flowing over the table to push at her. Pulling her arms close, she bent over the paper so she couldn’t see them.

“You head downstairs, meeting up with Mel on the way. In the common room, you find the typical early morning folk: farmers, merchants, etc. Most people are stopping briefly for a bit of gossip, or a hot drink, but there are a few fellow travelers. In the corner, near the fire on this chilly morning, you see a beautiful half-elf, with a side-cut. She appears to be eating. That’s you, Max.”

“Huh?”

Max stared wildly at the others. “What?”

“She’s introducing your character to us,” Rachel said patiently.

“Oh.” Max glanced at the paper then at the others.

“What would you like your character to have for breakfast?” Steph gently asked.

Another wide-eyed stare as panic began to build. “Uh… waffles?”

“The half-elf is eating waffles and appears very, very invested in their syrupy goodness.”

“I yell for a round of ale and a chunk of meat!” Chloe pounded the table with a fist and Max recoiled with a yelp.

Rachel smirked. “Of course you do. I sit down next to the half-elf. When a worker comes by, I ask for some juice, and eggs, and bread.”

“Do you join her, Callamastia?”

Max watched the three girls talk about food and drink and an inn and all sorts of things that went over her head. The words rushed around her, joined in mysterious ways.

Like with every new situation, Max found herself with an empty mind, cast upon a sea of uncertainty. Unvoiced expectations filled the spaces between words, joining Chloe and Rachel and Steph into an experience which excluded her. She tried to follow, sought the connections but the more she exerted herself, the faster understanding slipped away.

“Ok, everyone make a perception check,” Steph declared.

She knew all the words, but they made little sense. Max looked wildly at Rachel and Chloe as they rolled dice and announced numbers. The panic rose, spiking her heart rate and strangling her breath. The words and numbers on the paper blurred together into a meaningless mishmash.

“Hey.”

Chloe’s whisper startled her. She looked up, suddenly aware everyone was watching her. Sweat run down her back. The paper trembled in her grasp.

“Look,” Chloe continued and pointed at the wavering paper. She followed the finger until her sight cleared. The word ‘Perception’ appeared next to a number in pencil.

“Roll this-“ Chloe handed her a die. “And add it to the Perception number.”

The die was heavy and strange with too many sides. She tipped her hand, dropping it. The blue die bounced on the table, spun and rolled, until it stopped.

“Holy fuck,” Rachel exclaimed, “a nat 20!”

Steph whistled and Chloe bopped Max on the shoulder.

“Is… is that bad?” Max asked as more sweat soaked her back.

“Fuck no,” Chloe enthused, “it’s the best roll.”

A little tension bled out of Max. The game continued with the others helping with her frequent confusion. Not a word was said about the basic questions she asked nor her seeming inability to get in-character.

This is a little fun.

The party was fighting a group of strange beasts called displacers when her phone vibrated. She ignored it, preferring to focus on the game. After an earlier in-game mishap, she’d found her character was able to cast something called a fireball. To her great delight, it was very good in combat, especially against monsters like displacers.

“Hot dog!” Max exclaimed as fire reduced the last displacer beast to ash.

“Fuckin’ stellar,” Steph said, “You’re a natural at this.”

“A-a natural,” Max asked with wide eyes.

“You’re good,” said Rachel, “Can’t tell this is your first time.”

The panic, long gone by now, was replaced with a warm inner glow at Steph’s and Rachel’s praise. A smile spread across her face. “Th-thanks,” she said, ducking her head.

The phone caught her eye, and she remembered it had buzzed a few minutes ago. She picked it up and thumbed the unlock button.

An unread message from her mom awaited her.

mom> Hey Markie, we’ll be home in a few hours, even though your father insists on stopping at this tourist trap for souvenirs. See you soon!

Cold swept into her core as the name consumed her vision.

Markie.

Markie.

MARKIE.

See! Faker. Even your mom knows who you really are.

No, she doesn’t!

Mom knows you better than anyone else.

No! She’s wrong. You’re wrong!

“Everything ok?”

Chloe’s question quieted the inner argument enough for Max to look up. Rachel and Steph rather obviously were not looking at her.

“Yeah,” she whispered hoarsely. “Just… need a moment.”

Without another word, she left the bench. The message burned itself into her brain. It unraveled the fun and good times she’d had with her new friends.

Near the crashing surf stood a rock, tall with a flat-ish top. Not caring that her boots weren’t good for climbing, Max scaled it. Sitting with her chin on her knees, she wrapped her arms around her legs and stared into nothing. Fingers absently traced the patterns on her tights.

Reality was about to crash back into her life. The two weeks of freedom were drawing toward an uncertain end. Mom and dad would get home and… that was that. An end. A life brought to a sudden, crashing stop. Of course, she’d known it would happen; knew today was the day.

Forehead touching her knees, she closed her eyes and tried to calm her inner chaos.

Hands clawed at her hair, pulling, tearing.

Desperation squeezed her chest.

A need to scream collided with nausea, choking her.

It… it was all a lie, anyway.

I’m a lie.

The fact her parents would be late didn’t matter. The reminder of who she wasn’t cut deep. All day, she’d avoided thinking about the upcoming moment, the deconstruction, though it hovered over her menacingly. The message had rudely thrust it into her face.

I… haven’t even figured out how to tell my friends goodbye. To tell them… they’ll never see me again.

Tell them who you really are. Their disgust will be a fitting last memory of them.

A scuff sounded nearby, but it barely registered.

“Hey.”

Max pushed her head between her knees.

Her thoughts continued to tear her apart, accompanied by the crash of the surf. Gulls cried overhead. She tried not to cry but the need overrode her efforts. Tears trickled down her nose and cheeks, dripping onto her legs and the stone.

I don’t know if I can do this.

For a moment, she pictured throwing herself into the surf. The waves would crash into her, smashing her against the rocks. A broken body, lifeless, but free of pain and confusion and desperation and all the chaos. For once in her life, at peace.

Time passed. Her tears dried. Lifting her head, she rested her chin on folded arms, and gazed across the rolling waves. The white crests marched ever onward, coming toward land, toward her. A world in constant motion, always changing, always eating away at what appeared stable.

“You gonna be ok?”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Chloe staring at the sea. One hand picked bits from a stick to toss into the water below.

Am I ever gonna be ok?

Were you ever ok?

“Eventually,” she whispered, though she didn’t believe it.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?”

Did she? Max watched water rise and curl, cresting into a white mass roaring toward the beach. It smashed sand and stone as if intent on breaking the earth and stealing it for itself. The water receded only to feed another wave behind it.

“I don’t know.”

“You ever talk about… what’s going on?” Chloe gently asked.

She shook her head.

“I’ll listen. No judgment. And I won’t tell anyone.”

Turning her head, she lay her cheek against her forearm and studied Chloe. The breeze played with her dyed hair, tossing it freely around her face and head. Light sparkled in her eyes, which were deep and as fathomless as the sea. She sat with a casual ease Max envied. Her sparse makeup was on point; the lack of shame she had about her body and clothes proclaimed a confidence of who she was for all to see.

Goals…

Tossing another bit of wood into the water, Chloe lifted her chin and looked at the sky. “You going to public or Blackwell?”

“Huh?”

“When school starts. You’re what, 17? Blackwell or public?”

“17. How’d you know?”

Chloe shrugged. “It wasn’t too hard. A couple days ago you said you were a junior last school year.”

“Oh.”

Shit. I thought I was more careful.

“So… Blackwell or public?”

“I don’t know. We’re going to figure that out after my parent’s vacation. I’d guess public though because it’s free. What about you?”

Chloe laughed and tossed the stick off the rock. “We’re all out. Rach and Steph are headed either to Seattle or somewhere in California. They haven’t decided. I’m stuck here with my shit family. Maybe try to get some courses at community after work.”

“That sucks, I’m sorry,” Max said.

With a furrowed brow, Chloe asked, “What sucks?”

“Your friends are going away.”

A faint grunt was the only response.

Chloe’s open nature put Max at ease. The offer to talk hung in her mind. It had a tantalizing appeal. If she could only open up, share a little perhaps the inner chaos would lessen. Past betrayals stood in her way.

Secrets whispered across the playground.

Parent’s friends talking openly about her personal matters.

The looks, the mocking gazes fed by her other-ness.

Too many times she’d trusted her private thoughts to someone who treated them carelessly.

While she struggled through her conflicting desires, Chloe moved closer to her. Now shoulder to shoulder, she’d turned to face in-land. She leaned back, resting her palms on the rock, and looked at the sky.

She’s so beautiful.

Max’s eyes traced her nose and mouth, her chin and down her neck. The hair stood up on her neck and joyous energy briefly spun in her chest. She averted her eyes as an unexpected urge to cry hit her. It wasn’t enough though, and she buried her head between her knees, hands clamping down hard.

I’ll never… look… she’s so…

“You’re obviously going through some shit,” Chloe whispered, “I’m here to support you however I can.”

Heat erupted in her wrist, shooting down her arm!

Max lifted her head in time to see Chloe’s hand close to her arm. Emotion, unnamable, fathomless, and powerful, exploded in her chest, pushing down her barriers.

“Mom and dad don’t know,” she choked then froze.

Eyes widened.

Breath shortened.

No! No! No!

Oblivious to the chaotic bundle of anxiety next to her, Chloe lowered her hand and said, “Know about… what?”

“I… I shouldn’t have said anything!”

Hands scrambled to push.

Legs unfolded, bursting with a need to get out of here.

She ran.

A name floated on the wind. Her name. Maybe.

Bushes. Truck. Road.

The world passed in a blur. It grabbed her shirt, her skirt, pulling, spinning her, throwing her off-balance.

Max ran.

Thoughts jumbled like rocks down a hill, smashing and crashing each other to smithereens.

A familiar shape loomed before her. She ran toward it.

The burning in her chest forced her to stop. Gas pumps, waste bins, and pillars surrounded her. Slowly, Max turned.

Where’s my bike?

A familiar rattle came from behind her.

“Max?”

She screwed her eyes shut and balled her fists at Chloe’s voice. It wasn’t anger that surged in her chest, wanting to burst into life.

“Can you please just,” she choked, turning to face Chloe.

Chloe held up a familiar bag. “You forgot your purse.”

For several seconds, Max stared at the small bag. It swayed slightly from Chloe’s hand. Slowly, she reached out to take it. Their fingers briefly touched and it was all Max could do not to snatch her hand back like it was bit.

“See you tomorrow?” Chloe asked.

Max looked at her blankly.

“For the girl’s night out?”

Mom and dad. How’ll I get away and change in time?

You won’t. You lied to her and now you’ll be friendless. Again. Like you deserve.

“I don’t know if I can,” Max mumbled, gaze dropping to the oil-stained concrete.

“If you can’t, you can’t.”

The way Chloe shrugged off her sudden hesitation stabbed her heart.

The girl’s night out is for you numbskull.

“You gonna be ok to make it home?”

Max nodded, not trusting her voice.

They stood in place. Cars traded places in the bay next to them. People walked around them to the convenience store, muttering to themselves or focused on their phones.

“Text me later?”

Again, Max nodded.

Then Chloe was gone.

Max felt more alone than she could ever remember.

The patched together truck backed out and turned around. It pulled onto the highway, returning to the beach and Rachel and Steph. What little happiness remained in Max slipped away as the truck drove off. Nothing remained. An empty void which hungered insatiably.

Max couldn’t remember anything about the trip home. One moment she was by a gas pump, the next she was pedaling into the garage. It was only when the door had closed that she realized she forgot to change before coming home.

No no no no! What if someone saw! What if they tell mom and dad about a strange girl entering their garage?!

In a panic, Max ran into the house. She closed the blinds and curtains, plunging the house into darkness. In the living room, she sank to her knees, overwhelmed by her fears. Bending forward, she covered her head and tried to calm herself.

*ding*

Awkwardly, she fished her phone from the pack. Her fingers were clumsy and heavy, fumbling with the zipper and phone. It fell onto the floor. After some effort, she unlocked it and looked at the message.

mom> We’ll be home in about 30 minutes.

30 minutes?! Shit shit shit! What happened to the time?!

Leaping to her feet, she flew to her room. She tore off her clothes, shoving them into a big black trash bag she’d set out earlier. She ran around the room, gathering makeup, clothes, jewelry, and other traces that marked her two weeks of fun. Cramming them into the bag, she pulled off the bra and panties and tossed them in after.

Hurriedly, she pulled clothes from her dresser. She hopped around the room, trying to both put on pants and gather the few things she’d missed. After tossing them into the bag, she pulled a shirt on.

Shit! My make up!

Running to the bathroom, she flipped the faucet on full blast. Grabbing a washcloth, she soaked it, then began scrubbing her face. Soap came next, lathering into a thick foam as she tried to scour away all traces of color. Her lashes looked a little too dark but it would have to do.

Only a few minutes left.

Argh! The wig!

Ripping the much abused wig from her head, she ran back to her room and added it to the trash bag. Next, she ran around the house, looking for any traces of her adventures.

The clock ticked.

Heart pounded.

Everything looked normal. Running back to her room, she grabbed the bag. Fighting back a temptation to toss it in the trash, instead she flung open her closet and shoved it onto the shelf next to an unused sleeping bag.

I… did it.

From the depths of the closet, emptiness reached for her. She wasn’t here anymore and worse she had no idea when she’d return. There wasn’t time to deal with it though. Blinking back the tears, she roughly pulled on a hoodie. Socks followed. Grabbing a book, she wandered to the living room and plopped onto the couch.

Covering her head with the hood, she opened the book and tried to read. The words were fuzzy and blurred together.

Oh no! The kitten!

It was too late though. A deep thrum vibrated the walls signaling the garage door opening. Her throat tightened. The kitchen door opened with a slight squeak.

“We’re home son,” Ryan called out.

Vanessa let out an exaggerated sigh. “Finally! Way too many hours in the car on this trip, dear.”

“We can fly next time.”

“Oh, and be stuck in a tube for hours with all those… people?”

“Hey mom, dad,” Max called from the couch.

“Oh, good, there you are, Mark,” said Vanessa as she entered the living room. “Be a dear and help your father with the luggage.”

Chapter 2

Slowly, Max stood up. She closed the book and dropped it on the couch while Vanessa wandered toward the bedroom, a small bag in hand. Ryan was in the garage, pulling luggage from the back of their SUV and setting it on the pavement.

“There you are,” he said with a smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “Glad to have us back?”

“Sure,” Max mumbled. She froze, hand halfway to the handle. Bright blue gleamed from her nails.

Shit!

Thankfully, Dad’s attention was on unloading the car instead of whatever she was doing so Max quickly grabbed two handles and turned toward the door. She raced into the house, almost crashing into her mom in the kitchen.

“Watch yourself,” Vanessa said irritably.

“Sorry mom,” Max mumbled, then stepped out of her way.

At least she’s looking at my face and not my hands.

Vanessa entered the garage and began complaining to Ryan about something. Once she was gone, Max ran to her parents’ bedroom, suitcases bumping along behind her. Leaving the bags by their bed, she sped to her room, closed the door, and opened the closet. Frantically, she dug through the trash bag, looking for the nail polish remover.

Got it!

Stuffing the bag into its hiding place, she closed the closet and hurried to the bathroom. After shutting and locking the door, she grabbed a wad of toilet paper. With the paper over the sink, she poured the remover on her nails and began scrubbing.

“Mark?” Her mom called up the stairs.

Shit! Come on; come on!

The polish was coming off, but leaving a faint blue tinge behind. She switched hands, poured more remover, and scrubbed. Suddenly, the door rattled.

“Mark?” The door did nothing to soften Vanessa’s harsh tone.

*knock*

*rattle*

*knock*

*rattle*

“Using the bathroom, mom!”

“You had plenty of time to do that before we got home. Your father finished unloading the car, no thanks to you. Get out of there. He wants to see you. Now.”

Her no-nonsense tone sent a shiver up Max’s spine as she scrubbed.

“Ok, just one moment.”

“Young man, you know locking doors is forbidden.”

The blue-stained toilet paper went into the toilet, then she flushed. The paper twisted in the water and went down the drain.

I’m… gone.

The room spun, and a rushing sound filled her ears. The static drowned out Vanessa’s voice. Max barely caught herself on the counter when her legs gave out.

I’m gone.

She looked in the mirror and hated what peered back at her.

I’m gone.

Max bent over the sink, trying to breathe, trying to order her reeling mind. From the corner of her eyes, her blue-tinged fingers seemed to glow. Anger surged within her and she roughly twisted the faucet handles. She pumped soap then scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until her hands were lost in the foam. The water rinsed the lather away, much like her freedom. Pink, wrinkled hands emerged. She glared at them, chest heaving.

The faint sounds of mom and dad talking filtered through the anger. Icy fingers slid around her chest and she forgot all about her fingers.

Shit! I’m supposed to be helping him!

Hurriedly, she shoved down the thoughts and feelings welling within her and capped the bottle of polish remover. She didn’t chance returning to her room, so she shoved it behind other bottles under the sink. As long as she got to it before Vanessa did, everything would be ok.

With a reeling but numb mind, she left the bathroom and raced downstairs. Ryan stood between the living room and kitchen with lowered brows and hard set to his jaw.

“There you are,” he said. “You left me to unload the car by myself.”

“I-I know, I’m sorry but I had-“

“The only thing you had to do was help me. One simple task.” Ryan stepped into her space, glaring down at her. “Your vacation made you soft. Vanessa told me you locked her out of the bathroom.”

“B-but I was-“

“You know the rules.” Ryan’s hard voice made her flinch.

“Yes, sir,” she mumbled.

“What was that? I didn’t hear you.”

“Yes, sir!”

“What’s with that ungodly hair? You look disgusting.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Look at me while I’m talking to you.” Ryan’s voice yanked at her resistance.

She forced her eyes to meet his, finding a light smoldering in their depths. For several seconds, he glared at her while she fought the compulsion to look away. The backhand caught her off guard, spinning her around and into the couch. Fingers scrambled for the armrest, barely grabbing it before she could fall to the floor. The couch was blurry and wobbled.

“Now,” Ryan growled and stepped close to her again. “Let’s see if you can complete one task tonight without pissing us off. Can you do that?”

She needed to touch her cheek, to soothe the damage, but now wasn’t the time. Instead, she pushed herself erect and turned to face him. “Y-yes, sir,” she said. Tears stung her eyes but she wouldn’t let them fall, couldn’t let them fall.

“I need you to clean the inside of the car,” Ryan said and held up the keys.

Max looked at the keys then to her dad. “Now?”

“Yes, now. I’m leaving early tomorrow for an important meeting in Seattle.”

Hesitantly, she accepted the keys. Ryan stared at her a few seconds before dismissing her. She scurried toward the garage, rubbing her cheek the moment he was out of sight.

The laughter and joy and friends of just a few hours ago were no more. She opened the passenger door and shut away the recent memories. Trash tumbled from the seat as neatly as she had discarded the hope and truth she’d tasted for two weeks. She could pick up the trash, but who would pick up the pieces of her life?

It took the work of a few minutes to tidy the car. Far less time than to put away who she was.

Max trudged into the house. Mom sat on the couch, scrolling on her phone. Vanessa didn’t even look up as she wandered by.

“All done,” she said from the bedroom entrance.

“Good,” Ryan said. “Put my keys on the dresser. Oh, and your mother ordered take out. You need to go pick it up.”

Why couldn’t they pick it up on the way home?

She dropped the keys on dad’s dresser while he told her the restaurant to go to.

“Oh, and Mark?”

“Huh? Yeah?”

“You seem distracted tonight.”

They know! They saw my nails or something else!

The thoughts froze her in place, allowing more to flood in behind them. Dad’s statement was really a question, something she hated. The vagueness yawned before her like a trap ready to ruthlessly catch her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then another.

“I was just… trying to figure out what I’ll have for dinner,” she said in the most neutral tone she could muster.

Ryan nodded and appeared to accept the explanation. “Ok, well don’t let your distraction make our dinner get cold.”

Max nodded and went to her room. At least it gave her a chance to put the nail polish remover away under the pretense of getting her shoes. A sliver of fear worked its way into her thoughts as she replaced the trash bag on the closet shelf.

Will mom snoop while I’m gone?

You know she will.

She stared at the bag several seconds, debating whether to find a better hiding spot for it. The two weeks had gone by so fast she’d neglected to plan for this.

Maybe I can hide it in one of the empty houses?

It was worth a try. After putting on her shoes, she grabbed her backpack and crammed the bag into it. The pack was just big enough to hold it, along with the bag of kitten food, though zipping it closed was another matter. She hefted it, hoping its bulk wouldn’t be obvious before she got out of the house.

Mom and dad were in the living room. A 24-hour news channel played on the TV on a low volume.

“Be back soon,” Max called as she headed into the kitchen. There was no response. As usual.

The evening gloom was thick as the garage door closed behind her. A handful of streetlights were lit, eerie lanterns among the tree which cast light and shadow on the earthen street. She rode through the woods toward a plot which had lots of materials stacked around it. During the 4 weeks they’d lived in Pan Estates, construction had mostly focused on the clubhouse. She was relatively confident no one would find her stuff. At least not before she found a better spot.

The bag fit nicely in a nook between two stacks of lumber. She stared at the spot, unwilling to leave. It felt wrong to stuff two weeks of fun into the plastic bag and cram it into a hole. There was a sense of finality to the act.

Two weeks of… me.

Two weeks of lies.

The pull was irresistible, and she fell to her knees. The wrinkled plastic was stiff under her fingers.

A genuine smile in the mirror the first time she’d worn a blouse.

The way her skin came alive when she put on the skirt.

Seeing herself for the first time when she’d worn makeup.

All those memories were now wadded up, crammed into a plastic bag, and hidden in a lumber pile. Far away from home, from prying eyes, from her.

Trash. Nothing but trash. Like me.

Hair prickled along her neck and arms. Trembling fingers fell onto her lap. The bag was a void, a vacuum sucking out the last good thoughts and feelings until her emptiness was complete. Wearily, she stood, fingers trailing the rough ends of boards and crinkly tarp. With a last look at the hiding spot, she turned away and embraced the void.

*mew?*

Oh, shit! I forgot about the kitty!

The little fluff ball sat behind her, gazing up with enormous eyes. She knelt down and scratched it between the ears. Immediately, purring filled the air, lessening the frigid grip on her heart.

“How’d you find me here?” She asked.

The kitten mewed and flicked its tail.

“Sorry little kibby,” she said, “I forgot about you.”

*mew*

It lifted its chin as her fingers found a new place to scratch. With its eyes closed and nose pointed at the sky, her heart melted.

“I wish I could take you home,” she whispered.

*Purrrrrrrrrrr*

“Mom and dad won’t let me have a pet, though.”

*mew*

It looked at her as if to say, “How could they resist this cuteness?”

“How old are you?”

*mew?*

She chuckled and stroked its back. “Really, that old? You look like just a few weeks.”

The kitty plopped onto its side and batted her fingers. “Are you hungry?” She asked as it played.

*mew*

She tore open the bag of food and poured a little on the ground. The kitty trotted over and sniffed it. One paw pushed a kibble around before it ate the morsel.

Max watched it devour the food. It tore through the kibble as fast as its tiny teeth could, then meowed for more.

“That’s all for now,” she said but couldn’t resist giving it a few more morsels. The bag fit nicely in the hiding place next to the trash bag. After another glance at the kitten, who was totally focused on the food, she left.

The ride to the restaurant was long and hard. A part of her remained behind, pulling at her, unraveling her the further away she rode. Strands of her littered the street, a tether between what was and what could be.

A hollowed out Max arrived at the restaurant with its busy parking lot and bright lights. She secured her bike, then headed toward the “to-go” entrance. Laughter and cheers floated across the lot. Memories flickered into existence, a time that never was which reached for her from the depths of a lumber pile miles away. Blinking rapidly, she pushed the thoughts away and hurried into the restaurant.

Conversation and the clatter of eating exploded around her, and she flinched. People hurried back and forth, stealing her attention with each movement. The sounds and activity pressed against her, and her head spun. Quickly, she put her earbuds in. Familiar music played and after a few seconds, the pressure slackened. She stepped to the counter where a server located her parents’ order. Minutes later, food secured in her backpack, she hurried from the chaos.

Cool evening air washed over her and she took a deep breath. The ocean air tinged with exhaust, pine, and food was very different from Seattle; a pleasant difference. Tension bled away the more she breathed until she was confident enough to turn off her music.

A familiar laugh caught her attention, and she whipped her head to the side. On the far side of the lot was a patched-together, dented truck. Chloe sat on the open tailgate, one leg bent with an arm around it. Opposite her stood Rachel and Steph. Next to them was a blonde girl with big hair she didn’t recognize.

I wish I could be with them.

Chloe threw her head back with laughter. Max’s chest tightened and a hard lump wedged itself in her throat. A need she didn’t understand drove her a step toward them.

I… I can’t. Not like… this.

Let them see the lie.

A vision sprung into view: Chloe and her friends gathered around Max who stood in their midst without her protective hoodie. They laughed, with Chloe’s the most scornful. Fingers pointed. Faces twisted in derision.

Fire burned in her face and neck and she turned away.

You’re a freak.

I know.

The four girls were too far away for her to hear their conversation. The way they moved, hands touching elbows or shoulders in familiar ways, and faces lit with joy deepened the ache in Max’s chest. She couldn’t tear her gaze away no matter how tight her chest and throat became.

Slowly, the pain disappeared, along with the coolness of the breeze. The wind smelled of nothing as she finally turned her attention to her bike. On wobbly wheels, she rode away from the restaurant, away from what she couldn’t have or be.

It tugged at her, whispered to her heart. She was empty, nothing, a mockery of life. The breeze blew wisps of her life, scattering them beyond reach and recovery. Onward she rode, the hot meal burning her back. Or maybe it was shame. Shame because she had to hide from her friends; because she’d lied to them. Shame from her inability to trust them.

She rode through dark streets and dark thoughts. A nobody opened the garage door and parked the bike inside. A fraud entered the kitchen and unpacked the food. The pack fell to the floor with a clunk which nobody cared about. Steam rose from the containers when the fake person opened them.

For several minutes, empty eyes stared at the food. It was more food than she enjoyed in a meal and they would waste most of it. Her stomach growled and clenched when the smell pierced her nothingness.

A few seconds later, she had the food on plates. The delicious aroma exacerbated a hunger-induced emptiness which dwelt within her. Shaky hands set the plates on the table, followed by silverware. Two glasses of water completed the setup.

“Mom, Dad,” she called, “Your dinner’s ready.”

“Ah, good,” Vanessa said, “thank you, Mark.”

Ryan walked into the dining area. “You should join us, son.” He walked to the head of the table and sat down.

I’d rather stab myself.

It was no use arguing or trying to get out of the command veiled as an invitation. With an internal sigh, she turned, and busied herself making a sandwich. With a paper towel as her plate, she grabbed another glass of water, and sat at the far end of the table.

For a while, only the sounds of eating filled the air. Max kept her eyes fixed on the towel, tracing its patterns with her eyes.

“Your mother and I spoke while on vacation,“ Ryan said, “and we’ve decided you should go to Blackwell Academy in the fall.”

“It’s a superb opportunity,” added Vanessa, “and a wonderful favor by your dad and I.”

Favor?

The word caused her stomach to drop. With her parents, favors were anything but. They would attach strings and conditions which only the future would unveil.

“You need to get your grades up, though,” Ryan added, “I know you can do better. I-“

“I’ve been doing my best,” Max interrupted.

Vanessa set her mouth in a line and flatly said, “Your best isn’t good enough. Now, let your father finish.”

Ryan nodded at Vanessa while Max let her gaze return to the paper towel. “I expect a 3.2 GPA or higher for the entire year,” he said with a frosty edge. “It will be hard enough to get you into Columbia, or Harvard, or a similar school with a B average. Your current grades are not good enough and your extra-curricular activities are simply abysmal.”

Good enough… What if I don’t want to go to some big brand name school?

“Do you have anything to say, Mark?” Ryan prodded.

Max nibbled on her sandwich and shook her head.

“Also, you’ll be 18 in a few weeks,” Vanessa said, “it’s time you pay your share of the cellphone bill. Beginning in July, we’ll deduct $45 from your monthly allowance to cover the cost.”

“And we’re increasing your rent by $50,” Ryan added.

It took a few seconds for the news to sink in. When it did, she looked at her parents, mouth agape.

“But that’s almost a third of my allowance,” she protested, “how am I supposed to live on the rest?!”

“Live. On. That?” Vanessa’s face hardened as she looked down the table. “That’s not our problem. Don’t think your father and I haven’t noticed the extra things you’ve been buying the last year. Perhaps you’d like us to deduct that extra spending from your allowance?”

“No,” Max mumbled.

“What was that?” Vanessa asked, icily.

“No, mom, I’ll find a way to make it work.”

“Good. It may be time for you to get a job, too.”

“Y-yes, mom.”

“Well,” Ryan said with a sudden cheerfulness. “Now that’s understood, let me tell you about our trip.”

Max picked at her sandwich, a simple PB&J, while her dad recounted their trip down the Pacific Coast Highway. The emptiness in her stomach demanded to be filled but she couldn’t bring herself to eat anymore. She paid little attention to her Dad, just enough to give an appropriate “Oh” and “wow”.

“What was your favorite part of the trip, dear?” Ryan asked his wife.

Vanessa looked up thoughtfully. “The art gallery in that tiny town in Southern Oregon. What was the town’s name… oh, yes, Brookings! We should tell Sean about the artist. He’s always looking for people who push art to the edge.”

Ryan nodded. “You could tell him tomorrow night at the private party he’s having at the Rue Altimore.”

“Oh! Thanks for the reminder! I completely forgot. Hmmm, I better make sure I have an outfit for it.”

“May I be excused?” Max asked, hesitant about interrupting her parents.

“What?” Vanessa looked startled. “Oh, you’re still here. Yes, you may leave, Mark. Go take care of our laundry. Oh, and cancel any plans you have tomorrow.”

“What? Why?”

“Because there are things you must do tomorrow. Be a good boy and don’t argue. Oh, don’t give me the sad puppy face. You’ll have fun and it’ll be good for you.”

Max stood, collected the remains of her sandwich, and tossed them. Her parents immediately forgot about her, and she trudged to her room. Their conversation faded away.

She shut her door and leaned against. One look at her room made her shudder. Dresser drawers were askew. The closet door was open. The mattress was crooked. The laptop was unlocked.

Mom…

Her nearly empty stomach knotted and it was difficult to swallow.

Glad I took the bag. If she’d found it…

You’d get only what you deserved. Freak.

Max tidied her room, then sat on her bed. The jeans weren’t soft to touch and clung to her incorrectly. Her feet itched in the socks, which wrapped stiffly around her wriggling toes. The shirt hung form her shoulders like a bag. Everything was wrong.

I’m wrong.

You’ve always been wrong. Born wrong.

Her gaze wandered to the closet though it no longer held promise of comfort. The bag was gone. She was gone. Except…

In her earlier fright, she’d put her other cell phone behind her desk. Actually, it had fallen there, but it seemed like such a brilliant hiding spot in her frenetic haze, she’d left it there. The hiding spot pulled at her, but her parent’s laundry also compelled her. If she didn’t take care of it now, there’d be hell to pay.

She rose from the bed and went to her parents’ room. Bags of laundry sat near the hamper. The phone called to her: a promise of freedom and more. Listless hands sorted the clothes. A tired girl carried dirty clothes to the laundry room and loaded them in the washer. While the machine spun and whirled, she carried the other baskets to the small room and watched the clothes tumble in diffused blue light.

Just like you: going in pointless circles.

I know.

Minutes ticked into hours. Her sense of self faded away; washed down the drain like so much soil on the clothes.

At last, the laundry was done and put away. Tired in mind, body, and spirit, she trudged back to her room. Neither parent acknowledged her or the work she’d done. The pillow met her face when she fell onto her bed. The walls held no secrets nor distraction as she stared at them.

The phone.

The thought stirred her into tired action. Rolling off the bed, she quietly retrieved the phone then sank to the floor and leaned against the desk.

The phone was an older flip-style. It had a pay-as-you-go plan based upon minutes with costly data. The best part was she could top up the minutes at the store instead of mailing anything.

It was more than a phone; it was possibilities. Chloe, Rachel, Steph, all their numbers were in the address book. A few button clicks and she could talk with one of them. Her thumb rubbed the smooth, ugly, gray surface.

Mom or Dad’ll hear me talking.

But she could text.

Chloe wanted me to text.

A glimmer of hope shone for a moment within the darkness clouding her mind. It vanished quickly, leaving the phone a dead weight in her hand.

She thought I was pretty.

The tears welled up again, and she rubbed her nose.

I wish… I was pretty, to see what she saw when she looked at me.

You’re just fooling yourself. Pretty? You’ll never be pretty. You’re confused. Chloe’s confused and probably said that to raise your hopes. You’re just not trying hard enough to be a boy. Like Mom said, your best isn’t good enough.

Her eyes wandered over the few posters on her walls. None were her choice. Athlete, lawyer, business genius, all were roles her parents wanted for her. Right now, she wanted to tear them all down, to shred them, along with the trophies and ribbons she’d won for her parents. A pitiful display, like her grades, none were for 1st place, usually 3rd or 4th.

Angrily, she got to her feet and stalked over to the nearest poster. A smarmy looking lawyer in what she supposed was a courtroom action shot looked over the jury dramatically. An image of Phoenix Wright shouting “Objection” filled her mind, and the anger gave way to giggles.

Being a lawyer wouldn’t be too bad. If I was Phoenix Wright.

Too bad you’re just nobody Mark Caulfield.

No! I’m Max!

Maximum stupid, maybe.

Max turned away from the poster. The day and evening had worn her out in a way she couldn’t remember experiencing. With a shouted “Night Mom and Dad” down the hall, she got ready for bed.

In the near silence of a dark bedroom, she lay under the covers staring at the ceiling. One nice thing about living in such a new neighborhood was few street lamps were lit. In Seattle, one had been outside her bedroom, often keeping her awake. The nearest lamp here was across the street, hidden in the trees.

The murmur of her parents’ voices filtered through the walls.

At least it’s not THAT.

The soundproofing in their Seattle home had been atrocious. More than once she’d been awakened by her parents having a little too much fun in their bedroom. Here, her bedroom was both upstairs and at the other end of the house. Her Dad had immediately claimed the largest upstairs bedroom as his office. The other bedroom, Vanessa was going to turn into a combination exercise and craft room. Which left the smallest room as hers. She didn’t mind, not just because her parents always gave her the bare minimum, but because it was far away from her parents, and she could hear them coming long before they arrived.

Under the covers, she clutched the phone; her connection to another life. For several minutes, she struggled with too many conflicting thoughts.

Get rid of it before mom finds it.

Chloe wants me to text her.

Stop leading yourself on. You’re Mark not Max.

It’s the only thing mom and dad can’t monitor.

And they’re gonna be piiisssed when they find it.

They won’t find it.

Gritting her teeth, she flung the covers over her head and opened the phone. The screen barely shed any light. A few clicks brought her to Chloe’s entry which had a couple messages.

Chloe> Hey, hope your night is good.

Chloe> We missed ya.

Holding her breath, she started a new message.

Max> Hey, I got home ok.

Her breath caught when a response came in almost immediately.

Chloe> Max! Hell yeah.

Chloe> Fuck, can’t wait til tomorrow night. You’re gonna have a blast.

Max bit her lip, debating how to break the news.

Oh look! Another failure. Leading on your new friends as if you could do what you want.

Max> I can’t go

She held off on pressing the send button several seconds.

They put so much effort in their plans and putting together. I hope they aren’t mad or… worse.

Finally, she pressed send and closed her eyes. A few seconds passed before the phone vibrated with a new message. She let more time pass before opening her eyes to read it.

Chloe> bummer well shit happens. See ya tomorrow though?

Max> idk. Parents are back and they’re…

Chloe> shit, no worries.

Chloe> Hey! Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

What?

Max> You’re not… mad at me about tomorrow?

Chloe> …? The fuck. Why would I be mad?

Max> because I…

How do I say it…?

The recent conversation with her dad about Blackwell came to mind. It was a regular part of her life: people set expectations for her then took it out on her when she didn’t meet them. Parents, adults, even friends, it seemed everyone in her life expected something out of her she couldn’t do. It hurt, and she fretted how to get Chloe’s expectations out of her.

Max> because I… didn’t do what you wanted

Chloe> idk how to take that

Chloe> like sure, I’m sad you won’t be there but not mad

Chloe> and fuck there’s way too much to unpack in that sentence

Chloe> you don’t have to do what I want cuz we’re friends

Chloe> do what you want cuz you wanna do it

Max> ok

Chloe> you gonna answer my question?

Max> ?

Chloe> why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Max> um… aren’t hooves feet?

Chloe> because they lactose

What? Lactose? Lactose… OH!

Max> omg, really, Chloe?!

Chloe> that’s right sista!

Chloe> hey! Here’s another. Didja here about the guy who went to a zoo and the only animal they had was a dog?

Max> no?

Chloe> it was a shitzu

Max groaned but the corny jokes had put a smile on her face.

Max> oh dog, Chloe, you are something else!

Chloe> smiling though, right?

Max> yes, you goof

Chloe> wish I could see it

The sadness returned, replacing her smile and joy with a cold emptiness. Beyond her blanket, beyond the house of tension was a blue-hair woman quite unlike anyone she’d ever met.

Max> I wish I knew a better way to say this

Chloe> say what? That your camera’s broken?

Max> no, that you likely won’t see me again

Chloe> oh. Did I get you put on your parents shitlist?

Max> no I…

The words she wanted to say wouldn’t come. They jumbled into a messy tangle and she didn’t know how to get out of it.

Max> no I… just can’t

I CAN’T BECAUSE I DON’T EXIST! I’M A LIE! I LIED TO YOU CHLOE AND I’M SO SORRY. MY PARENTS WOULD KILL ME IF THEY KNEW ABOUT YOU… ABOUT ME AND…

She dropped the phone and covered her face as a choking cough tore through her throat. Great sobs shook her body. The finality of the day’s events hit her at last.

Two glorious weeks of discovering herself, of exploring what she liked, the person she wanted to be. Two weeks where she felt like herself for the first time in her life, like she fit, belonged. Only to be shoved into a trash bag and hidden far away. Hidden away shamefully, to never again be seen.

Tears streamed down her face. She bit the blanket to stifle her cries. Fists tightly clenched the sheet, pulling, straining, as wave after wave of hurt and sadness rushed from a place deep inside. She screamed into the blanket, twisting and tearing at it.

The smiling, beautiful faces of her friends marched across her mind, reminding her of who she could never be, what she couldn’t have. She hit her head, kicked her feet, and pummeled her body.

Exhaustion sapped the strength from her arms and they fell weakly to her side. Her body throbbed with pain as she struggled to catch her breath. The sheet clung to her sweat-soaked body. A shrill beep shattered the silence and she jerked before throwing back the covers. Cool air rushed in and she shivered.

My phone! Chloe!

The phone was sandwiched between mattress and wall, under her pillow. Upon digging it out, she saw Chloe had sent several messages.

Chloe> do you feel safe?

Chloe> Max?

Chloe> Please answer if you can

Chloe> fuck ok, I’m freaking out

Chloe> Max?

She’s worried about you!

Only because YOU gave her something to worry about.

Pushing her arguing thoughts aside, she quickly typed a response.

Max> yeah sorry I… I’m here

Chloe> oh fuck I’m glad

Chloe> you ok? You safe?

Max> yes

Max> maybe? idk

Chloe> I can come get you

Max breath caught. A vision of them driving away in Chloe’s truck filled her mind. Two girls, leaving behind a past she didn’t want.

You’re not a girl.

The vision shattered; its jagged shards slicing her mercilessly.

Max> I can’t. My parents have the alarm on.

Chloe> Oh. Yeah I don’t know what to do bout an alarm

Chloe> Hey - you ever feel unsafe, text me 911 and I’ll come get you. K?

Max> Ok.

Max bit her lip as a thought popped into her head. It was strange and hopeful and seemed unrealistic. Buoyed by the unfamiliar hope, she followed where it lead.

Max> earlier you… said I’m pretty. Did you mean that?

Chloe> hell ya I did!

Max> would you mind idk telling me again?

Chloe> hey earth to Max, you are hella pretty!

Over and over she read the words, fingers brushing the screen as it blurred.

Max smiled

And she felt

Pretty

Chapter 3

“You have 15 minutes to finish your dinner,” Vanessa said coldly.

Max stared at her plate. Chucks of meat formed a little wall around a pile of peas.

Peas are so gross!

Vanessa held up the white kitchen timer and made a show of setting it to 15 minutes. “What happens if you don’t eat all your food before the timer runs out?”

With hands pinned under her legs, Max rocked back and forth. The big arrow of the timer was just to the left of the 15.

That’s not 15 minutes.

For several seconds, she debated telling her mom the time was wrong.

“Well?” Demanded Vanessa, disturbing Max’s thoughts. There was a hardness to her eyes that bothered Max. She couldn’t meet them.

“I’ll… be in trouble?”

“Your father and I work hard to put food on the table, Mark,” preached Vanessa, “and we don’t appreciate you wasting it. I don’t appreciate you wasting food I cooked for you.”

The timer ticked.

Vanessa left.

Max frowned.

The mound of peas was an insurmountable mountain. It blocked her from doing anything. She screwed up her face and picked up one of the small, green balls. It was warm and slightly squishy and she wanted to throw it away and scrub the touch from her fingers. Instead, she cautiously put it in her mouth. Immediately, it flew toward the plate to lie in a misshapen mess.

“Yuck.”

With her fork, she tried to scrape the remnants from her tongue. The mashed green vegetable glistened next to the pile, outside the fence.

The meat was weird. No matter how much she chewed, it always stayed as a stringy mass in her mouth. The flavor was ok, but she could never get it small enough to swallow. Even when mom or dad cut them into tiny pieces, she couldn’t get the hang of eating it.

Her parents no longer cut her meat for her. “You’re 4 years old now, a big boy,” they had told her a few months ago. “You need to do it by yourself.” No matter how she tried, she couldn’t figure out how to use the knife and the fork’s edge did nothing.

More than once, she’d gone to bed with a chunk of meat wedged in her cheek. Each time, she got a loud scolding from mom. There was genuine concern mixed with the frustration. Vanessa was scared Max would choke on the meat in her sleep, but each time she met Max’s pleas for help with disdainful mocking of Max’s inability to cut the meat or chew it. It reached a point where Max had stopped asking for help.

Tonight, there was too much meat on the plate. The wall she’d built was wide and tall. Her legs swung from the high seat as she stared at the food. The meat and peas offered other possibilities.

A finger squished into a chunk of meat, then moved it around the plate. Whispered motor noises filled the air.

“Beep, beep,” she whispered, “tug boat coming through!”

The meat carved a path through the peas. Little green balls rolled away, a few bouncing off her plate and onto the table. The little meat tugboat made winding designs in the sea of peas. Other boats joined the first. Little round, green people hopped on the boats.

People traveled throughout this mystical land. Some sailed to faraway shores to have adventures. Others never left the seas, becoming pirates and capturing other ships. Each was happy with their life.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!

Chunks of meat and peas flew from the plate as the timer startled Max! Her heart pounded as peas rolled around the plate and table. With enormous eyes, she watched her mom enter the room. Max's hands trembled as Vanessa approached.

“What are you doing, you little brat?!” Vanessa screamed. “You didn’t eat a single piece of food! And you made a gigantic mess!”

“S-sorry mom,” Max mumbled, ducking her head.

“Oh, you’ll be sorry,” Vanessa growled with hands on her hips. “Ryan? Come here, please.”

Her lip trembled and Max stuck her hands under her legs again.

Heavy steps clomped through the house. Max flinched with each stomp. “What’s up?” Ryan asked as he entered the room.

“Look at this! Our son not only refuses to eat what we give him, but he got meat and peas all over the table and floor,” Vanessa answered.

Even with her head bowed, Max could feel dad’s eyes boring into her. “I thought you were a big boy,” he said in his disapproving voice. She shrank into herself as he smoothly pulled the belt from around his waist with a swish. “You’ll be in kindergarten next year and if you think they’ll tolerate your disrespect and wasteful ways, you’re sadly mistaken.”

She didn’t understand half of dad’s words, but it didn’t matter. The belt commanded her attention. Its loose end swayed warningly. Ryan looped it to grip both ends with one hand. It was hard to breathe, and it seemed like her heart would leap from her chest!

“Stand up,” her dad commanded. She hesitated. “I said stand. Up!”

Ryan stomped around the table, and she hurried to rise. Light gleamed in his eyes, shining bright despite his furrowed brow. “Once I’m done,” he growled, “you’re going to clean up your mess. Do you understand me?”

No.

“Yes?”

Ryan raised his arm behind his head as she stood on the step of her raised chair. “This is for your own good,” he said with mock sorrow. “You forced us to do this. If you’d just do what you were told, you could be in your room playing.” He gritted his teeth and swung.

With a shriek, she leaped away!

Bang!

Foam and plastic flew everywhere, pelting Max and the floor.

A whistling came from behind her. Ryan cursed, grabbed her shoulder, and yanked her around. “Look what you fucking made me do!”

Fingers dug into her shoulder, bringing tears. Even if she wanted to speak, the pain made it impossible.

Suddenly, she was flying but didn’t remember jumping.

The wall stopped her flight and knocked the breath from her. When she tried to stand, the room wobbled and spun. “You just made things worse for yourself, little boy.”

The belt rose above her.

Max cowered with an arm held above her.

---

Bright light illuminated the white kitchen. Max sat at the table. Several feet away, in the corner, stood a chair with a step. A wide, jagged gash across the center of the black plastic-coated padding exposed the hard support underneath the seat. The sight made her skin crawl.

Why do they keep that?

“We should get our licenses updated today,” Vanessa said over her buttered toast, interrupting Max’s thoughts.

Max grunted and spooned more cereal into her mouth. The world was off, like something had tilted it slightly while Max kept her original position. Or maybe it was the other way round.

“New pictures, new address, we could have some fun together today!”

Fun… doing only stuff you want.

Max chewed her cereal wordlessly. Vanessa stared at her from the other side of the table. The childhood chair lurked behind her shoulder, teaching Max to not disagree.

Her chest missed the snug bra band.

She needed lipstick.

She wanted to be pretty.

“Or maybe you could show me around town.”

“Huh?” The statement suddenly focused Max’s attention on her mom.

With a slight smirk, Vanessa said, “I checked the app this morning and my goodness you were all over town while we were gone! What were you doing?”

“Nothing… just exploring. Wanted to see what a small town was like.”

“Ahh, that’s my son, always wanting to know what life is like for other people. Did you meet any of them?”

Three faces sped through her mind but she shook her head. “No,” she said and scooped up another bite. “Just wanted to see old buildings and stuff.”

“Any of them picture-worthy?”

“A few.”

“You’ll have to show me.”

Max nodded and ate her cereal. There was no way in hell she’d share any pictures from the last week with her mom. Maybe one or two from the first week of boring stuff. There was a personal aspect in many of her photos. It was like letting people peek into her soul and that wasn’t something she’d share with her parents.

“When you’re done eating, go get dressed so we can leave.”

“But I’m already dressed!” Max looked at her jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie.

Vanessa made a rude noise. “Maybe if you were the son of those people who grew up in Arcadia Bay. We are a change for this town and we need to dress like it. Now, go put on some real clothes, none of that trash you like.”

“Yes, mom,” Max mumbled as her insides shriveled from her mom’s comment.

Slowly, she finished her cereal, then placed the empty bowl in the sink. She turned the handle for the hot water, opened the dishwasher, then gathered up the dirty dishes from Vanessa’s breakfast.

Breakfast I made for her.

The dishwasher safe stuff she rinsed then placed on the proper rack. The pan she’d used to cook the eggs needed hand washed. After closing the dishwasher, she grabbed the soap, a scrubber, and the pan.

“After lunch, we’re going to Blackwell to get you enrolled.”

Which means they’ll use…

She cut off the thought before it could unleash something she couldn’t control. A breakdown in front of her mom would raise way too many questions she didn’t want to face. Instead, she nodded, and focused on washing the pan.

Vanessa kept talking, sharing plans and ideas for the “mother and son” outing. The scrubber scoured the pan. Bits of egg and vegetables came free. Hot water flowed over the new spot, spreading soap to clean it.

Round and round the scrubber went, a happy existence without parents or lies or responsibilities or anything humans had. An existence without thought or care.

Barely listening to her mom, Max rinsed the pan and set it in the rack. After making sure she had her phone, she went to her room.

Slowly, she took off her clothes, leaving them on the floor, then opened her closet. Just touching the clothes hanging inside made her skin crawl. Each outfit was one her parents bought her, and then deducted from her allowance. They didn’t care whether or not she liked them, only that she dressed the way they wanted whenever they saw fit. With a hard swallow, she picked out an outfit she knew her mom liked and put it on. Her mind was far away the entire time.

Next was a stop in the bathroom to brush her teeth and redo her hair. She gazed at the reflection, damp hair combed neatly to the side, button-down shirt over an undershirt.

Liar.

But which is the lie?

She gazed at the wrong reflection. It made her skin crawl and skewed reality even more.

What about that lipstick Rachel got me? It’s not supposed to be obvious!

She ran from the bathroom, a giddiness bouncing in her chest. In the middle of her bedroom, a memory hit her, and she stopped.

It’s in the bag… with everything else.

The giddiness cracked and fell apart leaving behind an aching emptiness. She took a few breaths to focus and calm herself.

It’ll be ok. A morning with mom, then I can do whatever.

Max picked up her phones, careful to hide her flip-phone, and other things then left the room. Downstairs, she found her mom waiting in the kitchen.

“It’s about time,” Vanessa said, “Ugh, you aren’t bringing that hoodie, it’s disgusting.”

“I like my hoo-“

“Don’t you argue with me! Go get the nice windbreaker I bought you.”

Which you then billed me for.

Dejected, Max went to the coat closet and traded her hoodie. The windbreaker was form-fitting in a way she disliked, and was such a blah brown.

Vanessa nodded approvingly, then they went to the garage, and got in her car. While the garage door opened, Vanessa turned on the radio. One of her favorite country songs began playing and Max shuddered. She put in her earbuds and played her own music.

They left the house. Vanessa made some remarks, possibly about the neighborhood, but the music kept Max from hearing. The car approached the estate’s exit and Vanessa tapped her arm.

Max pulled out an earbud. “Yeah?”

“Blackwell has a very prestigious student club,” Vanessa said, then turned the car. “You should join it. The club is a great way to make friends. Maybe even get yourself a girlfriend.” Under her breath, she whispered, “finally.”

What if I don’t want a girlfriend? What if I just… want a friend? Someone I can be myself with?

But Max could never speak those words aloud. Vanessa and Ryan had planned a future for her; had sold it to their friends and family. Her opinion didn’t matter as long as she was their child.

“What does the club do?” Max asked, knowing if she put her earbud back in now, it would cause trouble.

“Mostly social events for the students, though I understand they also do charity events for the community, which is something you like. The Club’s president is Nathan Prescott. You’ll meet him this week.”

“I… will?”

“Bridgette and I are having lunch and she invited you over to meet Nathan.”

What are we, like 9?

Thankfully, Vanessa began singing along to a song, and a few seconds later, Max was able to return to her music. The rest of the anxiety-inducing drive to the DMV went smoothly though Max wished it had either never ended or never started.

They parked behind an older blocky building. Few cars were in the lot, which was cracked and patched so many times it was hard to tell what its original surface looked like.

Two other people were in line inside. Max wrinkled her nose from the musty odor that clung to everything. The air made her itch. Pamphlets were stacked in yellowed plastic racks and tattered posters were fixed to the walls. Water stains marred many of the ceiling tiles and a lot of the chairs were held together with duct tape.

Max cautiously sat on a chair, hoping her clothes wouldn’t catch on any of the tape or the cracks in the metal tubes. They waited in silence. Well, Vanessa sat in silence. Max had her playlist to distract her.

Minutes passed. A customer went to a desk, then left. Other customers entered, sitting in the seats opposite Max and her mom.

There are 23 water stains in this area. I hope the employees don’t get wet every time it rains.

Vanessa plucked at her sleeve. Reluctantly, Max turned off her music and put her earbuds away. “Our turn,” Vanessa said with a smile. Her eyes didn’t smile. They rarely did.

She followed Vanessa to the desk and let her mom do all the talking. When prompted, she pulled out her wallet, and retrieved her Washington state license. Max looked somewhere else when she placed the card on the table. Eyes stared blankly out of a wrong face.

“Moving here from Washington, are we,” the government employee said with mock cheerfulness. He looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

I’m right there with you, bud.

“We’re getting more and more of you everyday,” he said.

“It’s your beautiful weather,” Vanessa said.

The man looked at her blankly. “Oh! Because it rains all the time there,” he said with a short, forced laugh.

Come on. Can we just get this over with?

Vanessa and the man chatted amicably while he updated information in his computer. The minutes ticked by. Max counted all the things on his desk: 5 pads of sticky notes, 3 pens, 25 paper clips, 7 binder clips, 8 stacks of paper, 5 scratches, 29 crumbs. Anything to keep her from listening.

“We just need pictures, now,” the man said. “If you would just stand over there.”

Max pushed herself to her feet and followed her mom around the corner. A silvery backdrop hung from the ceiling. Across from the backdrop was another desk with a camera mounted on it.

Huh. His desk setup is like a mouse maze.

The man scurried around a few obstacles and stood behind the camera. “Mom first,” he said with a wink and a smile, then fiddled with the camera.

“Make sure it captures my best angles,” Vanessa said with an air. “When I’m carded, I want people to see my youth and beauty.”

“Yes ma’am. Now, if you’ll just stand with your toes on the yellow line.”

He made adjustments, raising the camera, twirling knobs, looking into a viewfinder, before looking up again. “Ok, give me your million dollar smile!”

Vanessa smiled. He looked down and pressed a button. The camera clicked several times, then he looked up. “We’ll get proofs in a few minutes then can decide which one to use or whether you want to retake your photo.”

“Oh, I’m sure they’ll all be gorgeous,” Vanessa laughed and stepped away from the backdrop.

“Young man,” the man said, “Your turn.”

Max didn’t move.

“Markie,” Vanessa said, elbowing her side. “Go get your picture taken.”

With heavy feet, Max walked up to the yellow line. She faced the camera.

“Oh, no, that won’t do,” Vanessa said with her patented mock cheerfulness. “look up, Markie dear. Let him capture those dazzling baby blues!”

“Mark, I need you to look at the camera,” the man said with his gaze fixed on the viewfinder. The world was misaligned again, out of sync a second or two. Max tried not to sway.

“Oh, come on!” Vanessa stepped in front of Max. With a finger, she raised Max’s chin. Next, she smoothed her hair, then angled her face.

“Don’t embarrass me,” she hissed. “You’re a handsome young man, a Caulfield. Act like it!”

Vanessa stepped away, scanned Max up and down, then signaled the man. With a click and a whir, he took the picture, and Max stepped away. Immediately, she looked at the empty chairs lining the wall with the posters above them. She shuffled back to her seat and itched to play her music.

The man returned to the computer and chatted with Vanessa. The world tilted even more, or maybe Max was out of sync with it.

“Markie,” her mom’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “What do you think of your proofs?”

Reluctantly, she rose and walked to the desk, except was it really her? A paper on the desk had a black and white print of a person she didn’t recognize. “Mark Caulfield” declared the name field under the photo. A finger touched the paper, maybe it was her finger.

“It’s ok.” A stranger spoke, giving approval for the proof. From a distance, she listened to the strange voice.

Who’s speaking?

The stranger walked stiffly to a chair. She watched them sit, barely skin and bones, and stare at the floor.

A touch startled her and Max looked up.

“What is your problem, today?” Vanessa hissed. “You’re very distracted. We called you three times and you ignored us!”

Max looked at the man behind her mom. He couldn’t meet her eyes, just kept shifting them between her and his computer. Vanessa handed over a sheet of paper.

“Here’s your temporary license. The real one will come in the mail in a few days, now let’s go.”

She followed Vanessa out to the car and got in. Thankfully, there was no conversation so Max put in her earbuds, closed her eyes, and sank into her music.

Life was more in focus, more aligned, when listening to her music. There was still something off, out of balance, like a glass teetering on the edge of a counter, ready to fall with the slightest touch.

Her respite was short. The car stopped and mom tapped her shoulder. They were parked in front of a boutique clothing store. Several such stores had popped up in the past few months. Her friends had talked about the sudden influx of shops with prices beyond the reach of long time residents.

“You’re coming with me.” Vanessa’s tone was no-nonsense.

Max glanced at the storefront. “It’s… women’s clothing,” she said, her throat tightening as she spoke.

“Doesn’t matter. You need to get out and socialize. Chat with the help or something. No more of your moping around. Now, get out of the car.”

Reluctantly, Max put her phone and earbuds away and exited the car. Her skin tingled and her mind whirled when she walked into the store, causing her to stop just inside the entrance.

Clothing racks and wooden crates were setup in twisty aisles. Accessories and clothing were arranged around the crates in creative scenes: a day at the beach, a walk in the woods, a high-profile business meeting, painting in a field of wildflowers, and more. Several scents hung heavy in the air, floral and pleasing, which drew her into the winding maze.

Vanessa was already winding through the maze, muttering comments, while an employee hurried over to help. Max slowly stepped onto a path. A selection of lounge pants drew her.

She touched a pair, rubbing the lightweight fabric between thumb and finger. Soft yet rough, they looked comfortable. She shivered as she imagined wearing them. How would these lounge pants feel on her hips? How soft would that cute, pink v-neck shirt be?

The conversation between her mom and the employee disrupted her thoughts. She dropped her arm and stepped back.

I want it.

You can’t have it.

Clothing surrounded her; cute clothing. Shoes, earrings, scarves, all manner of feminine clothing, accessories, and toiletries. They pressed in on her, turning the air thick, stealing her breath. The world seemed to lurch and she swayed in response, reeling as the aisles shrank to trap her.

She ran out of the shop. The sudden tang of the ever-present brine shocked her. Max stared at nothing while her heart pounded. She could breathe. Though it didn’t smell nearly as good as in the shop, she welcomed the salty air.

“Mark? What are you doing?”

It took a few seconds for her thoughts to unscramble and process the words. “Just… needed some air,” she said dejectedly. “The… perfumes were bothering me.”

There was a slight pause before Vanessa said, “It is rather overdone. I’ll speak to Clarissa about toning it down, or maybe have some fans installed for circulation.”

By the time Max figured out the meaning behind the words, Vanessa was back inside the store. She stared at the large window with the store’s name etched in swirls of lilac and lavender.

Does mom… own that store?

It wouldn’t surprise her. Vanessa and Ryan had investments in many businesses in Seattle. She’d suspected there was more to their desire to move to Arcadia Bay than to get away from the “big, liberal city.”

Instead of returning to the store or car, Max walked along the sidewalk. Unlike other parts of town, the sidewalk here was new. Neatly trimmed shrubs and other decorations lacking character lined the street. Several new businesses were on both sides of the street, sprinkled among long-standing businesses and buildings with boarded over windows and doors.

Vanessa visited several shops while Max wandered along the tree-lined walk. Between two of the newer businesses, she found a small park. No more than a tree, some shrubs, and two concrete benches, it was set back from the street and the greenery screened her from view.

After taking a few deep breaths, she pulled her flip phone out and opened it. A few texts from Chloe awaited her. Nervously, she opened the first one.

Chloe> Heya, Max. What up?

Chloe> How’re you doing?

Chloe> Oof, parents can suck sometimes

Chloe> What do you call a cow stuck in a tornado?

Chloe> A milkshake

Chloe> What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Chloe> no eye deer

She’s such a dork! Should I tell her?

Why start something you can’t finish?

She pushed aside her hesitation and typed out a message.

Max> just stuck with mom today, hard to chat

Max> you’re such a dork XD

To her surprise, a message arrived before she could close her phone.

Chloe> and you’re a goof. No sweat about chat, I’m here all day

Max> Thx for checking on me

Chloe> np

“Mark? Where are you?”

Max sighed heavily.

Max> gotta go

Chloe> talk later?

Max> maybe 。^‿^。

The phone closed with a snap, and Max got to her feet. “Over here, mom.”

She left the little park to find her mom further down the sidewalk.

“Oh there you are,” Vanessa said, “Let’s get lunch. My treat.”

Your treat? How’s this going to come back to bite me?

Max nodded, and they got in Vanessa’s car. Vanessa talked about the stores she’d visited and how she and Ryan were bringing work to the community. Max only paid partial attention, letting her mind wander.

A girl riding free on her bike, flannel flapping in the wind.

A blue-haired girl walked over and asked her name.

Four girls roasting marshmallows over an open fire.

Memories from the past week spun out of control. They opened a void where her heart should be. It sucked in not only the memories but her feelings. What came out the other side was a certainty her freedom would never happen. Her parents had trapped her in a life of their making and escape was impossible. The hope and elation sparked by her week of freedom was part of the trap. And she had fallen for it.

The engine shut off. “We’re here,” Vanessa announced with her trademark false cheerfulness.

Max blinked and looked around. Metal windows looked out from a metal wall dulled by time and weather. An awning, which might have been blue, curved around the corner and sheltered the windows. A vague familiarity haunted her, but she couldn't see beyond the mental gloom weighing on her. She exited the car without seeing and moved to adjust her purse, but it wasn’t there. Instead, she looked at her hand, at the fingers poised to grab a nonexistent strap.

She closed the door and turned to find Vanessa looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

“You’ve been acting weird all day,” she said, “should I take you to the doctor?”

Max shook her head. Vanessa didn’t look convinced but didn’t press the matter. They walked toward the restaurant entrance. Max almost tripped when she recognized the door. Her pulse quickened as she whirled to scan the parking lot. None of the cars were familiar, but that didn't quell the rising panic.

“Mark! Really.”

The air was thick, and she struggled to breathe.

“Ok I’m-“

Max pushed past Vanessa, stumbled really with arms flailing, and opened the door. The familiar smells churned her stomach, and she froze once inside. A hand on the entry steadied herself as the room tilted.

A cop and a truck driver sat at the counter. To her right, a man wearing a ball cap with a confederate flag patch sat in the booth by the jukebox. Another booth had some teens around her age she didn’t recognize. In the other direction sat a couple women chatting over coffee.

“Mark!”

Ignoring her mom and the people who turned to look, she staggered to the furthest booth and collapsed onto the seat. With her back to the door, no one would see her if they came in.

Unless…

The restrooms were to their right, but it would be easy to avoid being seen by anyone exiting them. Vanessa sat across from her with a frown.

“Mark! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. I’m just really hungry.”

Vanessa looked doubtful. “You keep acting this way and you’ll see a reduction in next month’s allowance. As it is, I’m questioning treating you to lunch.”

“Yes, mom.” Max lowered her head. Her mom’s voice had a cold edge, again.

A server appeared at the table, halting further conversation. “Welcome to the Two Whales,” she said with a drawl and placed menus on the table.

The voice made Max’s heart rate to spike, and she looked up. Joyce held an order pad with a pen. She looked at Vanessa then Max whose hands curled inward.

Does she recognize me? Please don’t recognize me!

“Ya both look new here,” Joyce said. “Just passing through?”

“It’s our first time. We just moved in,” Vanessa said with a pleasantness that made Max’s stomach churn.

“Well, welcome to Arcadia Bay! Can I get you started with anything to drink?” Joyce smiled genuinely and a similar smile with blue hair flashed through Max’s mind.

“I’ll have a coffee and my son… well, Mark, what would you like?”

“A coke,” Max mumbled and grabbed the menu. She already knew what she wanted but needed to hide from view.

“Belgian waffle’s our specialty,” Joyce said as she wrote their order. “I’ll give ya a few minutes with the menu.” She hurried away.

“She seems pleasant,” Vanessa mused. “Maybe you could get a job here.”

Yesterday popped into Max’s mind. She held the menu closer to her face as she remembered joking with Chloe, Rachel, and Steph. Her clothes suddenly were too tight in all the wrong places and without lipstick she felt exposed.

Lunch consisted of waffles and eggs. Max made herself eat at least half of it. Vanessa chatted with Joyce, playing her “curious and friendly” act which unsettled Max. At least it kept Vanessa busy and allowed Max to listen to her music.

After lunch, they visited a few other shops, then walked along what passed for the waterfront. Max kept her answers to one or two words and focused on giving an appearance of disinterest.

During the walk, they stopped so Vanessa could examine one of the older buildings near the water. Although old and weatherworn, it had a certain charm that appealed to Max. A sign on the front proclaimed it was for sale or lease and Vanessa wrote down the phone number listed.

Max breathed a hidden sigh of relief when Vanessa declared shopping was over. The relief was short-lived though when Vanessa continued, "And now to Blackwell Academy to get you enrolled! I hear Principal Wells' is a fair and able administrator. He set aside time today just to meet with us."

How much did you pay him?

With her heart like a stone, Max got in the car. Vanessa kept up a constant stream of words until they pulled into the nearly empty Blackwell parking lot. During the trip, Vanessa asked Max many questions but never gave space for Max to answer. Max stared out the window as they approached another incongruity of her existence.

It was late afternoon when they pulled into the garage, to Max’s relief. She helped her mom bring in the shopping bags then started toward her room. For some reason, registering for school had been a lot harder than getting her license and she needed time away from everything. Most of all, she wanted to run to her secret spot to explore who she was.

“It’s wrong! It’s all wrong,” she had wanted to scream when Wells recorded her name and gender. Each stroke of his pen was a hammer striking nails into a wooden box. She had stayed silent, eyes focused on a water stain on his desk.

How could she scream it was wrong when everyone was constantly telling her it was right? Parents, teachers, friends, counselors saw her with a conviction which eluded her. No. She was the wrong one. She always was.

“Not so fast,” Vanessa said with a hand on her arm. Max started and caught herself from pulling away. “You made a mess while we were on vacation and I expect you to clean it up.”

“But mom I-“

“No buts! You know the rules. I expect this house to be sparkling before I leave for dinner.”

“Fine.”

“Watch your tone, young man. You should be thankful for what your father and I provide for you.”

Max tuned out the speech about housing and food and education and opportunities and how she should feel grateful they provided so much for her. It was a hollow speech because her parents had made her pay for everything with her allowance once she turned 12. They made it very clear she owed them for everything, and that her chief value was as a yearly tax credit. Each “kindness” they showed had strings attached, favors called in later, hidden obligations they held over her.

When it was clear Vanessa was done, Max nodded, said the expected words, and went to the closet where cleaning supplies were stored. The rest of the afternoon she spent cleaning the house.

It was familiar, almost enjoyable, work she’d done as long as she could remember. Her parents viewed it as menial, something fitting for her so they could pursue important matters. For Max, house cleaning meant time away from parents, time to herself to think or listen to music. She was careful to never let them know she enjoyed it otherwise they’d make it unbearable.

And today, cleaning would make time go by faster. She couldn’t wait for Vanessa to leave.

I can go get my clothes and be…

She shut down the thought before it made her too happy. The last thing she wanted was to bring her mom’s attention on her.

“Don’t stay up for me,” Vanessa said. She stood in the kitchen, wearing a sparkling red dress and heels. The form-fitting dress clung to her curves. Max swallowed and tried not to think about the shape. More precisely, she tried not compare with her lack of curves.

“No friends over. Not that you have any. Turn on the alarm before you go to bed. Be in bed by 10.”

“Ok, mom.”

Vanessa looked at her, mouth in a thin line. Max tried not to think about how nice her makeup looked or the beautiful earrings and necklace. “Come here,” Vanessa said, curling her finger.

Slowly, Max stepped closer.

Is she going to… hug me?

Vanessa placed her hand on Max’s forehead. “You feel ok,” she said after a few seconds, letting her hand drop. “But you’ve been acting weird all day.”

After a few more seconds of inspection, Vanessa sighed. “I guess it’s just one of those teen things. Remember: be in bed by 10.”

“H-have fun mom.” Max tried to sound genuine though she cringed inwardly.

Vanessa nodded, then walked into the garage. Max stood in the doorway, watching until her mom had left. Slowly, she closed the door behind her then went and sat on the couch in the front room. From here, she could look out the window unseen.

Max scanned the area. All the trees around the house made it harder to see everything. After a while, she spied her mom’s car sitting on the street. A rather large tree blocked most of the view, but she could see the license plate. She waited until the car left, then waited five more minutes.

Once she was certain her mom wasn’t returning, Max raced to her room. She grabbed a flashlight and a few supplies she’d hid while cleaning, then raced to the garage.

Minutes later, she was racing down the street.

I get to be me! I get to be me!

She rode through the dwindling light, taking a circuitous route to the construction site. She skidded around a bulldozer and slid to a stop in the lot.

Before her bike stopped, she leaped from it, and ran to the lumber. Flashlight on, she quickly found the bag.

*mew?*

Her fingers trembled as she struggled with the knot. It finally loosened and she almost dropped the bag when a tremor went through her. With shaky arms, she held the bag close, and walked to a place to sit down. She needed this, a chance to release everything the day had crammed into her.

The kitten followed her, its plaintive meows hitting her heart. Two desires tore her, but she could only entertain one. Finally, she opened the bag and stuck her hands in it. The moment she touched cloth, her lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. The secrets to who she was, who she might be were in the bag, she knew it! In painful silence, she held the bag while the kitten rubbed against her legs. It took all she had just to hold herself together.

At last, she pulled out some clothes and held them against her face. She inhaled the remnants of perfume, makeup, and other scents. For the briefest moment, the constant sense of being off-kilter was gone.

But I can’t… I can’t go home and wear them.

Go ahead! Get caught by mom.

She lowered her hands and looked at the clothes. Between the poor lighting and her tears, she could barely see them. All she wanted to do right now was wear them, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t risk getting caught.

Screeching her frustration, she threw down the bag and clothes. The ground hit her knees hard, but the pain barely registered. The kitten climbed over the mound of cloth and plastic with a plaintive mew. It picked its way up her legs, stood on its hind legs, and reached a paw toward her chin.

*mew?*

As sobs claimed her, she took the mewling kitten in her hands. It rubbed her cheek and purred and she gave herself over to the pain exploding in her chest.

Chapter 4

Notes:

Content warning: sexual assault of a minor

If content like that doesn't sit well with you, consider skipping this chapter.

“Mark!”

Max groaned silently at the edge in Vanessa’s voice. She turned away from the garage entry and shuffled into the front room.

“There you are.” Vanessa stood, phone in one hand, staring at it. “You didn’t fold your father’s clothes properly. Go back and redo them before you go anywhere.”

“Yes, mom,” she said and shuffled past her.

“Hold on!” A hand gripped her arm painfully. Vanessa’s eyes flashed as she said, “Where are you going?”

“Just to ride around the Estates.”

Vanessa looked at her with lowered brows and crossed arms. “You’re only that sloppy when you’re excited about going somewhere. Who are you seeing?”

A kitten.

“No one. The east road is hilly, and it’s fun to ride. I’d planned on spending my afternoon there.” Max did her best to stand straight.

Vanessa looked her up and down slowly, her face resembling a person who tasted something disagreeable. Max resisted the urge to shift her stance or look away. “Ok,” Vanessa finally said. “But if you leave the Estates without permission, there’ll be hell to pay.”

“Understood.” Max shifted from leg to leg and hoped mom was done.

Vanessa continued to hold her with a stony gaze. “Another thing: you and Nathan didn’t get along.”

Max looked at the wall beyond her mom’s shoulder.

Is she asking a question?

Vanessa shifted to her left, hand on her hip. “Your father and I setup everything for your success,” she continued, “if you want to be left behind, a know-nothing, do-nothing, that’s your foolish choice. However, your father and I don’t appreciate you throwing away these opportunities we make for you.”

Max studied the patterns in the wall. The silence following her mom’s little speech prickled her. An urge to speak, to say anything, to confess to sins unknown, surged in her.

“We’re billing you a consultation fee on your next allowance to cover the time we spent arranging for you to meet Nathan. Plus, I will bill the meal I bought at that hideous diner at twice the total for your lack of appreciation.”

Max’s stomach clenched at the news and she barely restrained voicing a protest.

“Have you nothing to say?” Vanessa demanded.

You haven’t asked any questions.

Max’s mouth was bone dry.

“You like that diner, don’t you?” Vanessa asked, switching to her business voice.

The hair on Max’s neck stood up at the tonal shift. She shifted her weight to her other foot, but stayed silent. She couldn’t look at her mom.

“I wonder how many people work there,” Vanessa mused. “They probably all have families; people who depend upon that job. If the diner closed, they’d all lose their jobs. So tragic. It’s a great location, though! Right on the corner of two highways. I bet lots of people pass it every day.”

Vanessa studied Max, who kept her eyes focused on the wall. A hand grabbed her chin and forced her to look at her mom, who leaned close. Reluctantly, Max flicked her eyes to her mom as the grip became painful.

“That prime real estate wouldn’t go to waste,” Vanessa said thoughtfully. “We could bring in an excellent restaurant. Maybe call it Mark’s. I doubt such a place would employ the former workers. All those people without jobs. I wonder how many would have to leave town? How many don’t even have employable skills? If you could call taking orders and carrying trays a skill.”

The words knotted Max’s stomach. It was a struggle, but she kept her eyes on Vanessa and betrayed none of her thoughts or feelings. Joyce kept popping into mind.

“Mark’s would give the new place a hometown charm,” Vanessa continued. “Maybe we could hang your picture in the entrance, or put it on the menu. Would you like that?”

The question split Max.

If I say yes, will she actually do it? But if I say no, will she be mad?

You’re screwed no matter what.

“I… like the diner,” Max said after several seconds passed.

Vanessa dropped her hand to her hip and lowered her brows. “Hmph,” she said, “as I thought. No vision. No ability to see the bigger picture. Well, if you want the diner to stay around, you need to do what we tell you. Like raise your grades the first semester of Blackwell. Or when we tell you someone will be a good friend, then you-“

“But he he’s not,” Max protested, trying to stifle the memory of a recent afternoon wasted with a person who delighted in cruelty.

“You did not just interrupt me!” Max’s blood chilled from the ice in Vanessa’s voice.

“Nathan is the perfect friend for you and you just threw him away,” Vanessa spat. “You’re so arrogant with your high-and-mighty principles. Nathan is a good person, with lots of accomplishments, and comes from a well-respected family. Now, go redo your dad’s shirts like I told you. And, now I’m billing the meal at three times the rate because you interrupted me. Why are you standing here?! Go!”

Max hurried from the room, glad to be out of her mom’s presence. No matter what Vanessa said, Nathan wasn’t a good person. Not after what she witnessed.

She understood her mom's threat perfectly. Her stomach knotted at the thought of all those people without work. How many families would go without food or clothes or worse? How many would have to move because they were unemployable in Arcadia Bay?

Because of me…

It wasn’t the first time they held such a threat over her. A construction fence hastily wrapped around a playground came to mind. The scene of crying children made her stomach clench. She hastily thrust the memory away as she approached Ryan’s dresser.

She opened the shirt drawer and looked at her dad’s shirts. A faint humming reverberated through the walls. It was probably the garage door closing.

I hope.

There was nothing wrong with her dad’s shirts. They were folded, without a wrinkle, and neatly stacked in the way he liked. She sighed. It didn’t matter. Vanessa had seen something wrong and marked them. Max retrieved the folding board and set to work.

While she refolded the shirts, her mind wandered to the bundle of fur living among the bushes and trees of an empty lot. The little baby ate and drank a lot. It was hard to keep its food and water bowls filled. It was even harder to keep the fuzz ball hidden from her parents. More than once, the kitty had tried to follow her home.

What should I name her?

She tossed names around her mind. None seemed to fit. A few ridiculous ones made her snort, and she almost burst into laughter once. Finally, the last shirt was folded, and she headed back to the garage.

Vanessa’s car was gone, to her relief. Seconds later, she was zooming down the street. The air was warm, the sky clear, and the scents of pine and salt chased away her thoughts.

The kitten was waiting next to the pile of building supplies. It trotted to her, meowing and purring. The little body rubbed against her ankle as she parked the bike.

“Hey little kitty,” she sang and kneeled down. “How are you?”

*mew*

Max smiled and scratched the kitty behind her ears. “Such a little cutie!”

*mew mew*

The moment kibble tumbled into the bowl, the kitten dove in! Her head went through the spray of food, sending kibble everywhere. With a sigh, Max looked at the mess. “Looks like you have some snacks for later.”

The kitten only munched on the food. Max put the bag away, then, after some hesitation, dug out the bag with all her clothes. The tube of lipstick from Rachel tumbled free.

“I… wish I could wear some of you every day,” Max said sadly as she sorted the clothes. “Maybe… I can?”

One bra had caught her eye. If she removed the contoured cups, it would be more like a training bra. “I bet no one would notice if I wore you under my shirt,” she said as she pulled the cups free. They fell onto the pile of clothes in her lap. Hastily, she put down the bra and whipped off her hoodie and shirt.

A few seconds later, the clothes were back on, but now a bra hugged her chest snuggly. She closed her eyes and let herself feel.

Tension bled from her.

I’m wearing a bra.

A smile spread across her face.

Should I try the lipstick?

The tube peeked from under a fold of cloth. She plucked it from the resting place and unlocked her phone. The front-facing camera display was grainy, but it didn't stop her applying the color to her lips.

“Wow! Rachel’s right. I can barely see it!”

A bright smile gleamed back from the phone screen. For several seconds, all she could do was make faces. The subtle color made her look… better.

*mew?*

“Oh, hey kitty,” Max said and locked her phone. The kitten rubbed against her leg. “Aww, do you want some love?”

Pain flared in her chest at the question, and for a moment, she couldn’t breathe.

Love.

What even was that?

What did it feel like?

The kitten mewed again. Max shook her head, then scratched the kitten behind its ears. Immediately, it purred loudly and pushed its head against her fingers. A few seconds later, it bounded away to pounce on a ribbon fluttering in the breeze.

Over the last few days, Max had fashioned a crude house from an old storage bin and accumulated various odds and ends for toys. The kitten loved each item.

Max stretched onto her side, propping her head up with an arm, and watched the kitten play. It grabbed the ribbon in its teeth and whirled around. The ribbon fluttered after it. The kitten dropped the ribbon, only to pounce on the end.

Round and round, the kitten chased the ribbon. Its white and black markings flashed as it darted here and there.

“Why am I broken?” Max asked the air, the kitten, the pile of clothes. Only the air answered, rustling leaves in the trees.

“Why can’t I… be human? It’s like there are humans and then… there’s me. What’s wrong with me?”

The kitten paused chewing on the ribbon to look at her with wide eyes. It was only for a second before rolling onto its back. The ribbon followed and tiny feet kicked at the glossy, colorful strip of fabric.

“I don’t even know who or what I am.” The world’s edges softened and blurred.

Max rolled onto her back and stared at the sky filled with fluffy clouds. “Am I a boy? A girl? A… a freak? And why was I born just to be in pain? Is that all there is for me? Pain?”

Her throat hurt, and it was hard to breathe. She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. “Why?” She choked. “What’s so bad about me? What did I do? Why am I just wrong?”

A weight tugged on her shirt. Max moved her hands away, and the kitten meowed. It struggled to climb onto her.

“Oh, baby,” she cooed roughly. “Let me help.” She lifted the kitten and placed it on her chest. The absence of boobs was very noticeable when the kitten tucked its legs underneath in the center of her chest. Her breath hitched.

The kitten purred. The vibrations pushed aside the gnawing pain with warm contentment. “You love me, right?” She whispered and stroked its back. The kitten tucked its nose under a paw.

She looked at the small leg, black tipped with white. “I think I’ll name you Socks.”

Socks stretched its tiny mouth in a yawn, then tucked its nose under its foot again. “Definitely Socks,” she said. “Your itty bitty socks are so cute!”

The kitten purred louder. Max rested a hand lightly on its back and looked up at the sky. Clouds moved lazily across the expanse.

With a light breeze playing with the leaves and a kitten purring on her chest, Max closed her eyes. Her thoughts drifted with the wind.

---

The door creaked open. On the floor, Max continued to play with her big, plastic toy car, though part of her really wanted to look up. Footsteps clomped into the room. Max crammed the little people into the car through the open windows. She had to use the windows because the doors wouldn’t open.

“What’s that I smell?” demanded Vanessa.

Max bent lower, studying the details of the car. She knew the answer, but didn’t want to bring attention.

“Is that pee I smell?” Vanessa asked sternly.

Max vroomed the car around. A foot kicked it, narrowly missing her head. The car tumbled over and over across the floor.

“Answer me,” Vanessa ordered.

Max sat up. The car was upside down, one wheel spinning, and with the people now hanging out of the windows. Slowly, she nodded. Her hand stung, and she clutched it in her lap.

“Use your words!”

“Y-yes,” Max said.

“Louder,” Vanessa barked. “None of that whispering!”

“Y-yes,” she said, careful to raise her voice.

“Get up.” Vanessa commanded.

When she didn’t move fast enough, a hand roughly gripped her upper arm and yanked! With a whimper, she settled onto her feet. Red marks striped her skin when Vanessa let go.

“Markie,” Vanessa said with steel in her voice, despite an attempt to sound comforting. “What have we learned about wetting the bed?”

The people were bent over the plastic window sills. She longed to be like them: stiff, immobile, plastic. “Not to,” she said.

Vanessa slapped the back of her head. “Louder.”

“Not to wet the bed,” she said, louder.

“That’s right,” Vanessa said, “you’re four years old now, a big boy. You shouldn’t be wetting the bed anymore. Do you want your friends to think you’re still a baby?”

“No, ma’am.”

“And because you wet the bed, what happens next?”

Max shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know,” Vanessa scoffed, “you DON’T know? Or you don’t WANT to know? You need to clean your bed, you stupid brat.”

Bed? Weren’t beds… softer?

She looked at the thin, colorful sleeping bag laying on top of the cinder blocks. “How-“

Another slap on the back of the head. “Pick up your bed and take it to the bathtub.” No patience or warmth remained in Vanessa’s voice. “Why are you so stupid?! Oh, that’s right, because you’re a baby. Baby Mark can’t do anything. Maybe you should wear diapers again.”

The back of her head stung, but not as much as the gaping hole in her chest. Her lip trembled as she gathered up the smelly, damp sleeping bag. On stumbling feet, she dragged it from the room under her mom’s icy stare. The bathroom door was shut, and she froze.

Mom won’t like the sleeping bag on the floor.

But I can’t open the door like this.

“Do I have to do everything for you?” Vanessa said with an exasperated sigh. She reached over and pushed the door open.

Max pulled the sleeping bag into the bathroom, then struggled to get it into the tub. This time, her mom didn’t help. Instead, Vanessa watched her get the wet sleeping bag all over her clothes. When she almost fell into the tub, Vanessa laughed. At last the bag was in the white depths. Max stared at it.

What now?

“Turn. On. The water,” Vanessa hissed. “JUST LIKE A BATH!”

Trembling hands reached over to turn the spigot. It took both hands to turn one of the blurry cylinders, but after a struggle, she got the water flowing.

“I swear,” Vanessa muttered, “they gave us the stupidest kid on this planet to raise.”

Max’s eyes stung.

Louder, Vanessa said, “Get the soap! Wash your sleeping bag the same way you wash in the tub. And take off your shirt and pants. Wash them too, since you got your disgusting pee all over them.”

Max tried to ignore the sounds of disgust and hurtful comments mom made when she peeled off her shirt and pants. They followed the sleeping bag into the tub. Under her mother’s harsh gaze, and harsher words, she picked up the soap and a brush and scrubbed the bag.

How long did it take to clean a sleeping bag? Minutes? Hours? Max didn’t know. What she knew is not a second went by without mom mocking her efforts, reminding her of all her faults, and making cutting remarks about her body.

The cleaned bag was much too heavy for Max to carry. She looked at the sopping wet bag in the tub, wondering what came next.

“Fine,” Vanessa said with another heavy sigh. “I’ll help with this part. Heaven knows I’ve wasted enough of my time with you already.”

---

Max awoke with a start. Socks purred rapidly in sleep on her chest. Carefully, she raised her head and looked around blearily. The memory-powered dream faded as her surroundings came into focus.

How long was I out?

Something buzzed nearby.

Carefully, she moved Socks to the ground, then crawled toward the sound and pulled her phone from the bag. Socks followed and rubbed against her arm.

mom> Markie, I need you to bring my blue attaché to the Bean Hip Cafe

mom> Mark? Where are you?

mom> Mark! I’m losing patience.

5 minutes and she freaks out.

The 1 missed call caused her stomach to flip. Quickly, she typed out a response.

me> Sorry, fell asleep. Getting the attaché now.

mom> Make it quick!

She tucked the phone into a pocket, then stretched. Socks rolled to its feet and did their own stretch. “Ok, little kitty,” Max said, “I mean, Socks. I have to go now.”

*mew?*

Socks batted her fingers playfully when she lifted her into the air. Purrs rumbled through her hand and she couldn’t stop smiling. Socks’ fur was soft and warm when she gave her little head a kiss.

*mrowr?*

A paw batted her nose.

“Let’s put you in your home.”

She tucked the kitten into the wadded up shirt inside the tub then moved the food and water bowls closer to the entrance. It poked its head through the opening and meowed.

“Ok, little baby.” She patted the kitten, who had returned its attention to the food. “Momma’s gotta go.”

A tingle ran up her spine at the words, and she shivered.

Momma… I’ll be the best kitty momma ever!

You’ll be a fucking screw up.

Best. Kitty. Momma.

With a last pat for Socks, she returned her clothes to their hiding place, hopped on her bike and rode away. A glance backward confirmed Socks’ had stayed behind. Max wore a smile that lifted her heart and made the distance home speed by. Inside, she put away the tools, tossed the trash, found the attaché, and left.

Bean Hip Cafe was on the other side of town. She’d been there once with Chloe and Rachel. The Estates faded behind her as she sped along the streets.

A new billboard caught her eye as she neared the intersection with Highway 101. The bike screeched to a halt, and she almost fell off when the billboard’s contents clicked into place.

Vanessa loomed over the town with her creepy smile. Opposite her was a brown-haired man she didn’t recognize. “Live your dreams at Pan Estates, Arcadia Bay’s newest neighborhood.”

The empty eyes and hollow smile made her shudder. She knew that look all too well. It was extra creepy that both people on the sign had the same look. With a shake of her head, she climbed back on her bike and sped off.

The welcoming scent of coffee and the sound of local indie music greeted her when she opened the door. For a second, she took in the ambience before her eyes fell on her mom. Vanessa sat at a table in a nook. The wall hid the other person, though she saw fingers brush the back of her mom’s hand.

Max hurried across the room, the attaché clutched to her chest.

“Sorry!”

“Excuse me!”

“Coming through.”

Despite her best efforts weaving among people and tables and chairs, she kept bumping into things. A few people smiled and nodded at her apology. Others just ignored her, but the last person glared at her. “Fucking Prescott,” they muttered and glared.

Huh?

“There you are, Mark,” Vanessa said with a hand outstretched. A slight hint of disapproval hardened her eyes as they scanned her appearance. “Maribel, this is my son, Mark. Mark, Maribel Chase.”

Max had a clear view of the other person. A blonde woman looked up at her with stunning green eyes and smiled. It was the same practiced smile Vanessa frequently used. The one on the billboard. The smile suggested friendliness, but the eyes were empty. Max accepted the proffered hand and lightly shook it.

“Pleased to meet you, Mark,” Maribel said, “I understand you and my daughter, Victoria, will both attend Blackwell this year.”

Max ducked her head and clearly said, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, isn’t he such the splendid boy,” Maribel said, dropping her hand. She turned back to Vanessa and continued, “He’s so polite and good looking, too. He’ll make someone a fine catch one day.”

Maribel’s gaze returned to Max and roved up and down her body. Max barely repressed a shudder.

“He’s a little boney, though. Get him some meat on his bones!” Before Max realized it, Maribel grabbed her thigh and squeezed!

“That’s how his father was at that age,” Vanessa said and reached out for the attaché. Quickly, Max handed it over. “All skin and bones and you see how he turned out.”

“Mm-hmm,” Maribel said, and her hand slid higher. “There’s hope yet.” A light shone in her eyes as she gazed at Max. “Feel those muscles! They’re so… hard!”

Max wanted to step away, to escape Maribel’s touch. Her skin crawled and wrongness spread through her body. Vanessa caught her eyes and gave a subtle nod to the side. On the edge of the table was a picture of the Two Whales Diner. A big black X marked out the building, and above it were the words “Mark’s Steakhouse?”

The meaning was clear. Max swallowed and tried to suppress the urge to move or run. Maribel’s fingers squeezed and caressed. She wanted to cry.

“He rides his bike every day,” Vanessa said, clearly ignoring Max’s discomfort. “It keeps him in great shape.”

Max bit her lip as the hand moved higher.

“Mmm,” Maribel said. She looked at Max and licked her top lip. “Such a snack. Maybe later.”

“Thank you, Mark,” Vanessa said. “That’s all.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Max said hoarsely. Maribel reluctantly moved her hand to the table after a last squeeze, and Max immediately took a step back. The two women resumed their conversation amongst coffee cups and papers strewn across the table.

She hurried from the cafe, trying to ignore the way her thigh and hip and butt felt wrong. The cool afternoon breeze swept in the scents of brine and trees. She focused on the smell as her stomach rebelled and body shook. Deep breaths helped her stomach, but couldn’t clear her mind or body of being wrong. With trembling limbs, she got on her bike and rode away.

You’re disgusting. Letting her touch you like that? You’re so gross.

What was I supposed to do? You remember the last time?

The inner voice remained silent as fragments of the last time seeped into her mental vision. Her mouth went dry.

Max rode through the town, cars and houses and more passed by without interest. She wanted to cry, to tear off her pants and rip at the burning in her skin!

Oh, you did like that.

No, I didn’t! Shut. Up!

Then why’s your skin longing for Maribel to touch you again?

I said, shut up!

Her bike wove a wobbly path down the street. Twice, she almost ran into a parked car. Her leg was wrong. She was wrong. And there was nothing she could do. Over and over, she felt Maribel’s hand squeeze her butt; fingers touched places they shouldn’t.

What hurt the most was the way her mom had looked. The moment Maribel touched her, Vanessa had looked genuinely pleased. Hunger and approval had awakened in her mom’s eyes. Max wanted to throw up.

At least your mom liked it. Probably the first time you’ve ever made her happy.

That’s not true!

Maybe you’ll have a date with Maribel like with Trac-

SHUT UP!

Down, down, down she pushed the thoughts. Her feelings were next. With gritted teeth and streaming eyes, she pushed everything down and locked them away. She pushed until only emptiness remained.

If she didn’t think, she didn’t feel.

Without feelings, she didn’t remember.

Without memories, she’d be ok.

The ocean called to her, but when she came to Highway 101, she paused. The beach was a few hundred feet away, on the other side of the empty road. Intermingled with the surf was laughter and happy faces gathered around a picnic table. That way was memories and feelings. Not ok.

With a heavy heart, she turned the bike south and pedaled hard. If she rode fast enough, maybe she could escape the memories.

Wind whipped at her hair and face. Pressure built in her head until she thought it would explode. The memories and feelings pounded at mental walls, intent on overwhelming her.

A familiar truck jarred her from the battle. Parked next to a building on the right side of the road, there was no mistaking its dents or stickers. The bike coasted to a stop and the world gradually returned to focus. The mental pressure faded until she could breathe properly.

On the far side of the building were a dozen or more cars. Various stains of different colors marred the asphalt in front. A few of the stains glistened in the daylight.

There were two large, open doors on the front. Each was big enough for a big pickup to drive through. A semi-circle of chairs were close to a smaller door on the far side of the blocky building. Between the large doors was a stack of tires. The building was a dark blue, almost gray. Several metal signs affixed to the wall advertised unfamiliar names.

Despite the distance, she swore she heard Chloe’s voice mixed with others echoing from the building. Her fingers picked absently at the little knurls on the handgrip.

I… I’d like to see her again.

Like this? She’ll probably hate you, be mad at you for lying.

I…

The knurls sent brief pulses of pleasure through her fingertips as she rubbed them. She wondered how Chloe looked when she was mad. Did she scream? Throw things? Insult people? Or perhaps she became cold and impassive, an unreadable force of chaos ready to unleash?

The urge to leave tugged at her heart.

It’s only what you’d deserve for deceiving her.

Maybe she’ll understand?

Pfft.

The urge became more demanding, an external force which pulled her incessantly. She angled the bike toward home. The inner voice urged her to leave, to accept her isolation. She gritted her teeth and pushed the thoughts down, down, down until they were barely a whisper. Then she climbed off the bike and leaned it against the wall.

Her hands trembled and her mind screamed at her to leave when she took a step toward the gaping door. It was so hard to breathe. She took another step and swayed. A few seconds passed before she regained her balance enough to look up.

Through the open door, she saw Chloe. Well, Chloe’s back. She sat on a strange machine. Other voices echoed inside the building. Max counted at least two other speakers, but she couldn’t see them.

Chloe had tied a navy blue bandana over her head. Probably to protect the hair from dirt and grease. Every so often, Max got a glimpse of her profile. The sight caused odd things to happen inside her and increased her desire to step into the building. Her current appearance and the unknown speakers held her back.

She looked down at her clothes.

I could pull the hoodie over my head and zip it up. It’s baggy enough no one would know.

Are you kidding?! They’ll know with a single glance. Chloe will know, and you’ll deserve every bit of disappointment and betrayal in her eyes.

“Ok, see ya tomorrow,” Chloe called. She stood and turned toward the door.

With wide eyes, Max looked around. Shaky hands barely got the hood over her head in time, but she didn’t have time to zip it up. Instead, she crossed her arms and tried not to pay attention to the missing parts.

“Max? Fuck, I was just about to text you,” Chloe said.

Max looked down and scuffed the worn asphalt with one foot. “Hey,” she whispered.

A fist tapped Max’s shoulder. “Whatcha doin’?”

She shrugged. “Was just riding around and heard your voice.”

“Ugh, sorry about that,” Chloe laughed.

“Huh?” Max looked up with wide eyes.

Why’d she say that?

“Oh, just a bit of fun,” Chloe said. “Do you wanna hang out?”

“S-sure.” Max suddenly couldn’t look at Chloe.

“Cool. Throw your bike in the truck and we’ll go to my place,” Chloe said. “Step-jerk is at work so we can play some Smash.”

Max took a few hurried steps toward her bike, then stumbled. She staggered a few steps before regaining her balance. “What’s… uh what’s Smash?” She asked, and hoped Chloe hadn’t noticed her trip.

“Smash Brothers,” Chloe said slowly. “On the GameCube?”

Max grabbed her bike and walked it toward the truck. “Oh,” she said with a nervous laugh that she hoped sounded genuine. “Sorry, I’ve only heard it called Smash Brothers.”

“Ahh,” Chloe said and lowered the tailgate, which squeaked and groaned loudly. “You play?”

Max flinched and slapped her hands over her ears. Her bike tumbled onto the ground. The tailgate sound was wrong! It reverberated deep in her bones, rattling them like pebbles in a can. No. She was wrong. Like always.

The unease slowly faded, but it took longer for her to lower her hands. The air was thin and there wasn’t enough of it. For a second, she felt a hand on her butt.

“Hey,” Chloe gently said. She bent, lifted Max’s bike, and placed it in the truck bed. “You ok?”

Max rubbed her arms and glanced at Chloe. “Yeah,” she said, “Loud noises kind of mess me up.”

Chloe looked at her a few seconds before saying, “Ok. Low volume on the TV. Got it. Oh, and you might want to get in the truck before I close the tailgate.”

After a quick nod, Max hurried toward the cab.

You gonna tell her you’ve never played Smash Brothers before?

And let her know I’m a loser?

News flash: you ARE a loser!

She fumbled with the seat belt a few seconds before it clicked into place. It was hard to focus when her insides were jumping in all directions. The thought of hanging out with Chloe filled her with a nervous happiness, like she was getting away with something. Her nerves were on edge, competing with the happiness and she kept looking in all directions at once.

The truck shuddered when the tailgate closed. Chloe got in the truck, which started with a roar. The new sound didn’t help, and Max barely suppressed a yelp.

“Have you played Smash Bros?” Chloe asked as she drove the truck around the building.

“Ummmm,” Max said, her head swiveling all around.

Pull yourself together!

I… I can’t.

She clamped her hands between her knees and forced her eyes to look there. “No,” she squeaked with shoulders bunched around her ears. “My… friends didn’t have that game.”

“Cool,” Chloe said and drove the truck onto the street.

“Oh no!” Max exclaimed.

Chloe shot her a look. “What?”

“I… I…,” Max looked at Chloe and away. Her mind raced furiously, spurred in a new direction by the knowledge her parents would know she went somewhere without permission or prior approval.

“You need to do something?” Chloe asked.

Max forced herself to look out the side window. How could she say the next words while looking at Chloe?

You’re almost 18?! You’re really gonna tell her you need mommy’s and daddy’s permission to hang out with her?

Remember the last time?

A spot on her left arm burned. She quickly clamped her hand over it and rubbed lightly. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to stop the memory from claiming her.

But what if they didn’t know? You could do something with the phone.

Several seconds passed before Max noticed the truck no longer moved. She opened her eyes to find they sat on the side of a street.

A glance left showed Chloe sat with her head leaned against the truck wall. “I…,” Max began again, but how do you tell someone you barely know something like this?

“Can we… go someplace first?” She finally said.

Chloe looked at her. “Sure. Where?”

Max briefly described a location which made Chloe furrow her brows.

“Ok,” she slowly said. “That’s not too far.”

The truck moved again. Max squirmed in the seat during the drive. Vanessa’s threat about the diner spun around her head, taunting every good thought. What would happen if Joyce lost her job? How would she look at Chloe then, knowing their life was ruined because she couldn’t do what her parents asked?

What if mom wants you to do something for Maribel? Would you…

Through Chloe’s partially opened window came the scent of pine and sea. Chloe flashed her smiles, which Max couldn’t feel. The way the wind played with Chloe’s bangs, flipping them around the bandana, was distractingly good.

But Max? She was bad.

Always bad.

Irredeemable.

Chloe pulled the truck off the road. “Ok,” she said and looked around. “We’re here. What’re you gonna do?”

Max pulled her phone, her parents’ phone, from her bag and opened the door. “Be right back,” she called, and ran toward a group of trees in the field. She’d been here several times since moving to Arcadia Bay and had no concerns about it showing up in her parent’s tracking app.

She placed the phone at the base of the tree and covered it with a rock. After a quick look around, she hurried back to the truck.

“We can go now,” she said and closed the door.

What if they find out?

They won’t! We can do this!

But they will, and then what?

Chloe turned the truck around and headed back to town. “What was that all about?”

What if something happens to the phone?

Max pushed down rising fear caused by the thought and focused on Chloe’s question. “I… uh…”

But she hadn’t thought this far ahead and didn’t have an explanation. She squirmed more in the seat, again unable to look at Chloe. But she couldn’t think of anything that made sense.

“My parents track me with the phone,” she finally mumbled. “And I don’t want them to… know I’m at your place.”

“What the fuck!” Chloe exclaimed. “What happens if they call and you don’t answer?”

With a shrug, Max said, “Tell them I was asleep and hope they believe it.”

The steering wheel squeaked when Chloe tightened her grip. “What happens if they don’t believe?”

You already missed one call today.

“Then…” But Max couldn’t voice the thoughts crowding her mind. Instead, she focused on her knees and the way her jeans clung to them. The blue faded from a deep indigo to almost white, creating a halo effect. It was distracting and just what she needed to seal off the memories and feelings Chloe’s question sparked.

“How long have you worked at that shop?” Max asked, to change the subject.

Chloe was silent for a long time. When she finally spoke, her voice was warm, with an indescribable edge to it. “My parents are pretty shitty, too,” she said. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.”

Max didn’t know what to say, so stayed quiet. Chloe glanced at her several times, but Max only focused more on her knees.

“A few months,” Chloe finally said. “So far, it’s the only place that doesn’t suck.”

They turned onto a residential street, and the cars and trees lining it distracted Max

“The other places I worked were hell on earth,” Chloe said. “And don’t get me started on fast food. Nothing against the workers but management and customers suuuuuck.”

They pulled into a driveway before Max could think of something else to say. The house was several shades of blue, which distracted her as she followed Chloe up the sidewalk.

When Max stepped through the front door, her skin tingled. For the briefest moment, her mind blanked, replaced by the tingling. It passed, leaving behind the sense she had stepped through a portal into a different reality.

But even in this new reality, she was wrong.

The house was dimly lit. The faint aroma of eggs, bacon, and coffee wafted from the nearby kitchen. Max looked down the hall when she bent to take off her shoes. Photos lined one wall, and she really wanted to go study them. It looked like a living room was at the end of the hall.

The floor was well-worn and dull, not shiny and flawless. The air smelled of food and smoke and life, instead of the hint of cleaner. Faded stains and other signs of use spotted the walls.

She set her shoes next to Chloe’s, then followed her up the creaky stairs. One step wobbled, and she teetered a moment before catching herself with the wall. The texture was wrong, and she yanked her hand away. Chloe didn’t notice as she clomped up the stairs.

Max stopped at the entrance to Chloe’s bedroom. The displacement worsened as she looked at what seemed an impossibility.

“Welcome to the chaos generator,” Chloe said and plopped onto the bed. Max barely heard her.

Clothes were scattered on the floor, bed, and desk chair. The walls held posters, stickers, and phrases in Chloe’s handwriting. An American flag blocked a window. Papers, books, and many other items covered the desk and computer. A multitude of scents hung in the air: old socks, grease, tobacco, weed, and more. The room was unmistakably Chloe.

Max stepped into the room, and her skin prickled, and it was hard to breathe. She hadn’t been in a girl’s room since she was little. A brief image of dolls and curly blonde hair flicked into mind before being swept away.

“Wanna… join me?” Chloe asked and patted the bed next to her. Chloe flashed her a smile before looking away quickly.

Not that Max noticed. She couldn’t move. There was too much happening in the room, too many things demanding her attention. The closet, which she hadn’t noticed before, was crammed with boxes and clothes. A lamp leaned haphazardly against the closet door. Each new thing demanded inspection, pulling her eyes and mind in all directions at once.

Behind it all lurked a worry, a fear of discovery. Surely Chloe’s parents wouldn’t want a strange teenage… what was she? And what if her parents found out what she was doing?

Chloe stepped into view, startling her into taking a step back.

“You ok?” Chloe asked.

“I…,” Max began, but the posters behind Chloe needed her attention.

“Is this… too much?” Chloe waved at her room. “I can take the GameCube downstairs.”

She tried to look at Chloe, really she did, but her eyes kept being pulled to new items: the posters of unfamiliar bands, magazine pages of topless women, the skateboard wheels on the desk, the clothes on the floor, CD cases glittering in the light.

It was a strange new world and Max didn’t know how she fit in. If she fit in.

“There’s just… so much,” Max whispered.

“Do you wanna go back to your place to play smash?” Chloe asked. “If you have a GameCube.”

Max shook her head, though Chloe’s words barely registered. “I don’t have a… a GameCube.” Her voice was somewhere else.

A hand touched her upper arm. She stared at the height marks on the wall. Something gently tugged her arm, and she stepped in its direction. Dark, angry lines covered the top of the marks. She followed the tug until a wall hid Chloe’s room.

“What?” Max asked, suddenly noticing they were back in the hallway.

“Let’s hang out downstairs,” Chloe said. “You’re looking a bit… distracted.”

Max nodded absentmindedly as Chloe led her downstairs. The photos on the wall tugged at her eyes, but Chloe didn’t stop. The scene spun and whirled until she faced a sliding glass door, mostly hidden behind a curtain.

“Have a seat, Pete,” Chloe said, “while I get us some drinks.”

Chloe disappeared, and Max looked around. At least someone that may have been Max looked around. She couldn’t be sure who it was that saw the half-filled bookcase, the coffee table strewn with newspapers, magazines, and coasters, and the well-worn couch and overstuffed chair. Someone sat on the lumpy couch, but who? Whoever it was, they stared at the narrow wedge of glass revealing a strip of lawn and what looked like the edge of a swing set.

The couch moved, jostling the unknown occupant, who looked to see a blue-haired girl at the far end. What was her name? The girl held out a can with an awkward smile. Eyes kept flicking to see the stranger, but could never meet them.

Cold.

Who was cold?

Oh! She was cold!

Max looked down to find she held a can of soda. Where did it come from? How did she get it? She couldn’t remember. Slowly, she leaned over and placed it on the coffee table.

The swing set glimpsed through the glass door called to her and she focused on the parts she could see. Wind swept through her hair and laughter filled her ears.

“Not this high,” Max laughed.

“Ok, higher,” Ryan said and pushed.

The sky rushed toward her, a blue expanse which wanted to swallow her whole. Max screamed or laughed, or maybe both. Whatever she did, Ryan pushed even harder on the next downswing.

“No!” she screamed.

He pushed harder.

“Too high!” She cried.

He pushed harder.

“Stop! Stop! I wanna get off!” The blue sky was a teary mess.

“Max,” said a voice which didn’t fit the memory.

The sky rushed toward her and she wanted to get off but everything was too high or too fast and she didn’t want to get hurt but it hurt to stay on and she didn’t kn-

“Max!” A hand jostled her shoulder and Max blinked.

A swing set leg and part of the seesaw peeked through the curtain. The curtain was in a house. Chloe’s house. “What?” Max said distractedly.

Chloe held out a tissue. “You’re… uh, you’re crying,” she said and flicked her eyes away.

Max stared at the tissue before grabbing it and wiping her face.

Swing sets were never the same after dad… after dad…

Thankfully, she couldn’t complete the thought. She finished wiping her face, then dropped the damp, wadded tissue on her lap.

“Hey uh,” Chloe said, drawing Max’s eyes to her. Chloe flicked her eyes away and licked her lips before saying, “I can see you’re dealing with some shit. If you ever… you know… wanna talk about it… I’m here.”

Max looked at her. The words took their time clicking into place, but it was ok because she just looked at Chloe longer.

The trouble was, she really wanted to talk. Everything bubbled beneath the surface, a seething morass of feelings and memories. She was scared, though. How would Chloe humiliate her or betray her or manipulate her? She was tired of the games played in her parents’ world, but isn’t that how everyone was? What made Chloe different?

My parents give me barely enough money to live on.

Some strange lady just felt me up while my mom watched.

I don’t know what… or who I am? Am I even human?

“I… sometimes get… overwhelmed when there’s a lot of stuff going on,” Max said and her hands flicked, fingers wriggling in the air. “Like sensory stuff and this,” she waved a gyrating hand at the room, “is all new and a lot to take in.”

Is that safe? She’d figure it out anyway. Maybe.

She looked down and locked her flapping hands between her knees.

“What helps?” Chloe asked.

Max shrugged. “I don’t know. My pa-“

Your parents tell you to stop trying to get attention.

“Time maybe,” she said, and kept her eyes focused on her knees. Her hands needed to move. It was wrong to keep them between her knees.

“Let’s just hang out, then,” Chloe said, and she scooted lower on the couch until her butt was almost hanging off. “What’s your favorite song right now?”

“Umm,” Max said, thinking furiously. “I’ve been on a Bright Eyes kick recently. Their I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning album is so good! First Day of My Life is my current obsession. It was the only song I could listen to yesterday. What about you?”

“Bright Eyes huh?” Chloe said. She stared at the ceiling. “I’m kinda stuck on Distillers right now. Can we listen to that First Day song?”

Max reached for her phone, then stopped. “Uh, it’s on the phone I left in the field,” she said sadly.

“That sucks,” Chloe said. “Wanna listen to mine?”

“S-sure?” Max said, and hoped the uncertainty wasn’t obvious.

Chloe pulled out her phone and a pair of earbuds. She plugged them in and scooted next to Max. She handed one earbud to Max and said, “I’ll start with City of Angels, but I got a whole playlist setup!”

Max cautiously put the earbud in, after checking it was clean, and braced herself. Surprisingly, the volume was low. She settled against the couch and stared at the ceiling.

I… like this.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Chloe. The girl watched her with a half smile. Max squirmed and crammed herself into the corner of the couch.

When the song ended, Chloe popped her earbud out. “What’d you think?”

“The singer’s voice is really… gravelly,” Max said.

Chloe laughed. “Yeah, it’s fucking rough! I love it. Brody Dalle’s the singer. Isn’t she great?”

“Yeah,” Max said, and placed the earbud carefully next to Chloe’s phone.

Chloe looked at her with a strange smile. Her eyes flicked from Max’s eyes to someplace lower. Max squirmed, crossing her arms and legs. Fingers stroked the inside of her thigh, leaving burning tracks of wrong up her inner leg. The air was stuffy.

With that same strange smile, Chloe turned. She propped an elbow on the couch and sat with her knees crosswise between them. “So,” Chloe said, “you gotta boyfriend?”

Huh?

“Girlfriend?” Chloe asked after several seconds of silence.

Maribel flashed before Max’s eyes. Hunger lurked in the depths of her smile.

“No,” Max said hoarsely, with a shake of her head.

“Ahh, unattached! Ok, what’s your favorite food?” Chloe said with that same smile. “And don’t say my mom’s waffles!”

“I uh once had a lobster roll,” Max said with eyes fixed on her knees. “It was great.”

“Lobster roll,” Chloe repeated. “Where do ya get one of those around here?”

“It was up in Seattle,” Max said distantly.

I should go. Mom could call at any minute or even be home!

Maybe Maribel is waiting for you.

Will you just shut up!

But Max didn’t leave, even though her body screamed at her to leave. Even though her mind wanted nothing more than to be alone. She stayed and talked with Chloe and tried not to let her inner turmoil show.

They chatted in bursts for another hour or so, before Max asked for a ride back to her phone.

“Prolly good to get outa here now anyways,” Chloe said as she hopped off the couch. “Step-goon will be home soon and no fucking way you want to meet him.”

Max nodded, recalling stories Chloe had told before. They got in the truck and drove silently away. Max kept her gaze on the world outside as she grappled with thoughts about hanging out with Chloe and life.

The truck stopped and they got out. Chloe lifted the bike from her truck bed like it was nothing. Max tried not to notice the way Chloe’s body changed as her muscles flexed.

“Thanks for hanging out,” Chloe said as she set the bike on the ground.

Max nodded and grabbed the handlebars. “I… it was fun,” she said.

“Do it again?” Chloe said. Max swore there was a hopeful note in her voice. There definitely was a zip of excitement inside her at Chloe’s words.

“Sure,” Max said.

“K.” Chloe wiped her hands on her thighs. She glanced at Max, then away several times. “Well, best go before Sergeant Porn-stache wonders where I am.”

Max nodded and watched as Chloe slowly got in her truck. It drove away slowly instead of the usual roar and acceleration.

She’d survived.

Barely.

Now, there was only home.

Chapter 5

Notes:

To aid in readability, sentences within square brackets [] are intrusive memories Max experiences as she goes about her day.

Content warning: depictions of physical and non-graphic sexual abuse of a minor.

“I’m home, mom,” Max said wearily as she closed the door behind her. She slumped against it and heaved a sigh.

“Welcome home, dear. I’m in the kitchen,” Vanessa said with a singing lilt.

Max unslung her backpack and set it on the floor at the base of the stairs before heading for the kitchen. The warm smell of fresh baked-cookies wrapped around her, lifting her spirits.

“Ooh, what’d you make?” she asked excitedly as she entered the kitchen.

A plate piled high with chocolate chip cookies answered her question. Vanessa hummed as she scrubbed a cookie sheet. “Only your favorite,” she said. “Have a few, but not too many. We need to leave some for your father. He’s bringing ice cream.”

“Cookies and ice cream?!” Max could scarcely believe it even as she took a bite of the warm, soft cookie. It practically melted in her mouth.

Vanessa flipped on the faucet, rinsed the sheet, then placed it in the drying rack. After shutting the water off and drying her hands, she joined Max at the breakfast bar. With cookie in hand, she smiled at Max. “How’s my favorite daughter today?”

Max rolled her eyes. “Mom,” she said with a laugh. “I’m your only daughter.”

Vanessa’s eyes smiled at her over the cookie. “You can still be my favorite,” she said before biting into the cookie.

Max couldn’t help smiling as a sense of belonging and connection filled her. She finished the cookie and quickly grabbed another. “I’m much better now,” she said.

Vanessa’s smile broadened. “How’d you do on your project?”

Max sighed, and her shoulders slumped. “I barely got a C,” she said timidly.

“Oh. I’m sorry. Did you do your best?” Vanessa asked, her eyes flashing as she devoured the rest of the cookie.

“Yeah,” Max said sadly. The cookie in her hand no longer held happiness. “I studied hard and practiced my presentation. You and dad-”

“Max,” Vanessa said gently, interrupting her. “You did your best, and I’m proud of you. Come here.” She spread her arms wide.

Max set down the cookie. Slowly, she slid off the stool and went around the counter. Vanessa’s arms enfolded her in a tender hug.

“It doesn’t matter what your grade was,” Vanessa whispered into her hair. “Only that you did your best. I’m proud of you. I know how scary, how hard it was for you to give that presentation, but you did it anyway.”

Suddenly, Max flew through the air! Pain flashed through her ears moments before she slammed into a hard surface, knocking the wind from her!

“When the fuck will you get a job?” Ryan shouted at her. The sense of belonging and care, the pleasant kitchen and loving mom, were all swept away when he yanked her upright into reality.

“J-job?” she tried to say, but words wouldn’t form. And her chest couldn’t hold on to her breath.

A hard surface slammed into her back again. Her head bounced and color burst across her vision.

“Fucking waste of resources,” Ryan growled. “Just fucking off in your room all summer or riding your goddamn bike. You’re fucking useless.”

He paused, gritting his teeth. Through the haze and a spinning world, she thought he looked down.

“I wish you’d never been born,” he said coldly.

Pain exploded across her face.

“Instead, you’re just a worthless sack of shit, leeching off your mom and I,” he said. “Have you even applied anywhere?”

Max couldn’t answer. The world tilted and bounced, filled with colorful explosions and pain. Her skin tingled and hurt, like needles pressed into it.

It didn’t matter, because Ryan didn’t wait for an answer. He slammed her into the wall again, shoving his face into hers.

“What a fucking loser,” Ryan growled, then let her go. “It’s what you’ve always been and all you’ll ever be!”

She tumbled onto her bed in an aching heap. Fists slammed into her body, shoving her forward until her head smacked the wall.

“GET A JOB!” Ryan shouted, slammed his fist into her one more time, then left.

She lay in a heap on the bed, trembling. The room, the world, was wrong, out of sync, spinning chaotically. Her skin crawled.

Shouts echoed up the stairs. The voices rose in volume, but Max was too distraught to make out the words. Her head swam and breathing was hard.

Her fingers searched the bed for her earbuds and phone. Each movement was slow, as if she would break into little pieces if she moved at regular speed. Her body ached, sending bolts of pain through her with each action.

When she couldn’t find her phone, she forced herself to sit up, whimpering and groaning. Liquid trickled down her face. A dark spot marred her sheet.

For a moment, she was ten years old, trembling in a corner after Vanessa had ruthlessly beaten her. Blow after blow had rained upon her while she screamed and cried her apologies. With each whack of the belt, Vanessa scolded her, insulted her. In the other room, her friend Jason laughed.

The moment passed, leaving her throat swollen and vision blurry. Each breath was an agonizing, ragged mess.

A loud crash echoed through the house, and Max flinched. One arm swung up to protect her face. She almost screamed as her damaged body protested the movement.

Below, the shouts turned into screams.

A door slammed.

The house rumbled from the garage door opening.

Max lowered her arm, whimpering. Light glinted from the floor and she leaned forward.

A phone lay on the floor, its screen cracked. Next to it, earbuds lay in pieces.

Slowly, she slid to the floor, stifling the whimpers it caused. She picked up the wires and shattered plastic and stared at them. A warm drop splotched her arm.

Her solace, her escape, was gone.

Maybe I have an older pair somewhere?

But the hope was false. All her possessions, her real belongings, could fit into a small box.

The wires and plastic fell from her fingers. She stared at the floor, at nothing. The bed vibrated, sending rumbles through her aching back. It vibrated again.

Phone.

But her phone was in her hand. No, it was on the floor with the broken earbuds. How did it get there?

The bed vibrated again.

Other… other phone.

Max stared at nothing without moving. Time slipped by, maybe minutes, maybe hours. Finally, she raised an arm, wincing the whole time. She wiped her face, barely noticing her hand came away streaked with red.

Blood?

More time passed as she stared at her hand. Thoughts finally clicked into place, and she struggled painfully to her feet. She stumbled to the door, where she braced herself against the frame. Screwing her eyes shut, she took a deep breath.

Stray thoughts and feelings from her day dream intruded, and she sagged against the frame. Choking back a sob for what she could not have, she forced the thoughts away, just as she shoved the pain into the background. Around them she built a barrier, impenetrable, towering.

After taking another breath, she opened her eyes and pushed away from the door. A few pain-tinged seconds later, she was in the bathroom, staring at her reflection. A bruise was forming on one cheek. Blood crusted her upper lip and formed a line across the other cheek.

Slowly, she washed the blood off her face and hand. Thankfully, her nose had stopped bleeding. The water turned red, then pink, then clear again. Soap bubbled and foamed on her hands.

“Loser!” Her dad’s voice echoed in her mind and she flinched. Pain briefly flared before returning to the distant ache.

She rinsed her hands, shut off the water, dried them, then stared at herself in the mirror.

Useless… Her dad had called her useless.

She stepped from the bathroom into a world of stop-motion confusion. Her body seemed to go in the wrong direction, correcting itself with jerks and starts. Her eyes looked one way, but her head turned the other.

Somehow, she made it back to her room without running into something. She paused in the doorway. Vanessa’s voice, too distant to make out words, came from downstairs.

She stepped into her room and stared. The dark spot on her sheet drew her eye. Like a marionette without strings, she stripped her bed. A phone tumbled to the floor.

Didn’t it do something earlier?

Max picked it up and flipped it open.

Chloe> Hey Max, wanna hang out?

Chloe> Rach, Steph, and I are going on a hike

Chloe> ?

The last message was 30 minutes ago, with ten minutes between it and the prior messages.

A hike… that means trees, the forest. Maybe a creek and animals. A place without… my family.

Max> sorry. Couldn’t answer before.

Max> idk if I can go

Chloe> tell your parents the DA’s daughter invited you

Max> DA?

Chloe> District Attorney

Max> maybe. I’ll see.

If she could go, then she could also check on Socks. Her parents had not let up on her the last two days: keeping her trapped at the house with mindless tasks and projects while they constantly berated her. She was worried about the little fur ball.

Her throat clenched when she realized the baby was likely out of food and water.

I have to get out of here! I can’t I can’t…

She collapsed on the bed as the thought of her little kitty in pain from hunger and thirst consumed her mind. How could she be the best kitty momma ever if she couldn’t take care of Socks?

As long as she lay on the bed, she couldn’t.

By force of will, she stood up and finished changing the sheets. The dirty ones she carried downstairs to put in the washer.

Vanessa was talking on the phone. She was leaning against the wall in the dining area. At the sight of Max, her brow furrowed, and she pointed vigorously at Max.

Max paused at the foot of the stairs, uncertain what her mom meant. Vanessa pushed away from the wall and began to pace.

Broken glass and shards of ceramic littered the floor of the dining area. A cupboard door hung crooked from its hinges.

“Yeah, Ari,” Vanessa said. She glanced at Max, then looked quickly away. “He’ll be gone a few days. I haven’t seen him that pissed in a while.”

When Vanessa didn’t give more signs, Max walked toward the laundry room. Her movement caught Vanessa’s attention. She frowned at Max and mouthed some words. Max shrugged and nodded at the wad of sheets in her arms.

“Mmm,” Vanessa purred. “Sounds delightful.”

Vanessa glared at Max and waved a hand at the debris covered floor. Max sighed and nodded. After starting a wash cycle with the sheets, Max fetched the broom and dustpan. Glass crunched underfoot.

“Dani sounds delicious,” Vanessa said with a lusty laugh. “I was thinking of bringing the purple monster since you liked it so much last time.” She laughed again, a genuine sound Max had rarely heard from her.

Heat flared in Max’s face as Vanessa describe very explicit things she wanted to do with Ari and Dani. With the heat came shame as memories of Maribel surfaced. Once again, her leg and butt burned from the way Maribel had touched her. Wrongness tainted her, and she wanted to throw up. No matter where she went, life was always the same.

Max focused on sweeping up the shards. They clanked in the dustpan, punctuating Vanessa’s words. She snuck a look at her mom. A red line streaked across one cheek. Did a similar one mar Ryan’s face?

After dumping the debris in the trash can, she returned the broom and dustpan, then stood in the kitchen, waiting. Vanessa glanced at her a few times as she continued her phone conversation. Finally, she said “see ya soon,” made kissing sounds, and lowered the phone.

“I have friends coming over,” Vanessa said, her voice cold and commanding. “You will stay in your room until tomorrow.”

“But-” Max began.

“But nothing!” Vanessa cut her off. “Your useless ass is the reason Ryan blew up. Now he’s off on one of his binges and it’s all your fucking fault. And this!”

Vanessa pointed at the cut on her cheek.

“He broke my favorite dishes and had the fucking gall to hit me because you can’t do a fucking thing right! If you had a job, none of this would have happened! Now, I’m being punished for your ineptness by having to take care of you and get you a job. The only fucking good thing about this is my girlfriend is coming over and bringing a friend.

“If you’d gotten a job, or at least applied someplace like a bank or lawyer’s office, this wouldn’t have happened. No. You are staying in your room. I don’t want to see or hear you until tomorrow. Don’t you dare even try to come downstairs while Ari and Dani are here.”

The plans, the words Chloe gave her, fizzled in Max’s mind under the fire of Vanessa’s ire. She looked away but stayed in the kitchen. She didn’t want to give up.

“Besides,” Vanessa said in softer, darker tones. “Ari wants to spend time with you.”

Who’s Ari?

“If only you weren’t my kid,” Vanessa breathed.

In the silence after Vanessa’s words, words Max didn’t quite understand, Max mustered fragments of the plan.

“Rachel Amber invited me over,” she mumbled.

“What was that?”

Max repeated herself, louder.

“The DA’s daughter?” Disbelief and more dripped from Vanessa’s voice. Max nodded, eyes fixed on the floor.

“How does a nobody like you know her?” Incredulity underscored the words.

“I… met her while you and dad were on vacation. We hung out a few times. She invited me over to hang out today.”

Max shifted from foot to foot and repressed the need to flick her fingers and gyrate her hands.

“Why didn’t the app notify me she texted or called you?” Vanessa demanded.

“Why didn’t the app notify me she texted or called you?” Max repeated, then winced.

Vanessa slapped her. “Don’t fucking do that,” she hissed.

Max touched her cheek, already stinging from her father’s earlier treatment. She’d completely forgotten about the tracking app, and the reminder shook her. One by one, the threads keeping her attached to reality, already frayed and worn, snapped.

“It was the other day when I applied at the coffee shop,” said a voice that wasn’t hers.

Snip, snip, snip. Her mind floated free.

“And you’re just now telling me?” Vanessa gestured harshly. “We could have used that! God damn, you’re worse than worthless!”

From the other side of the kitchen, she watched a simulacrum of herself jerkily say, “I forgot.” The lips moved out of sync with the words.

Vanessa muttered words the facsimile couldn’t decipher.

“Well, you finally did something right,” Vanessa said. “Maybe you’re not completely hopeless. Ok, you can go, but I want you back no later than 9 tonight. I won’t deny Ari her fun. Oh, and take protection. I hear Rachel’s a little slut, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we have plans for you and they don’t involve the Ambers.”

Vanessa’s words only compounded Max’s detachment. Permission to hangout with Rachel was mixed in with her parent’s unshared designs. The facsimile flicked her fingers rapidly.

“Go on,” Vanessa said with a wave. “Get out of here before I change my mind.”

---

The world rushed by in a blur. Sunlight glittered off the blue-green sea, scattered into sparkling fragments by white waves crashing into the beach.

Someone was singing. It was Rachel.

Max tore her eyes from the window and looked around. Rachel drove a compact car, with Steph riding shotgun. Chloe sat opposite from Max, alternating her gaze between forward and looking at Max.

How’d I get here?! Did I take care of Socks? Which clothes am I wearing? How do I look? Do they know? Where’s my phone? How-

Fingers brushed her hand, and Max jerked.

“You’re gonna love this spot,” Chloe said with a smile.

Max snatched her hand from the seat. The skin tingled warmly where Chloe had touched her.

“Fucking great views,” Chloe said, “and it’s easy to just forget all the shit going on.”

Rachel and Steph broke into an impromptu duet. The chaos in Max’s head lessened.

“Yeah?” Max croaked. She glanced down and was relieved to see she had changed. Perhaps she’d taken care of Socks also?

“Best view’s right over there.”

Max looked up to see Chloe with a big grin, looking directly at her. She looked out the side window, hoping to see whatever Chloe saw. A hill covered in wild grasses rose alongside the car.

“The hill?” Max asked incredulously. Rachel stumbled over a note.

Chloe snorted. “Yeah,” she said in a tone Max thought was mirthful, but wasn’t sure. “The hill. I love that hill. It’s so… pretty with its blue flowers and the red rocks scattered in the grass.”

“Huh?” Max looked at the hill again. Where were the flowers and rocks?

The car slowed and turned left, leaving the mysterious hill behind. Trees and thick shrubs replaced it and the world became a place of shadows and green-tinged light.

“Damn,” Steph said, “You sure your car’s gonna be ok?”

“Fuck yeah,” said Rachel, but her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel.

“Told ya we should have used my truck,” said Chloe.

“Not doing four in the cab again,” Rachel said. “She can make it. I’ll just go slow.”

A tense silence filled the car. Max stared out the window, not really seeing the marching giants and flittering branches.

She’d lost time. It wasn’t the first time. Everything since Vanessa giving her permission until a few minutes ago was lost in a haze. Her body was a weight on the seat, dull and incapable of feeling much.

I made dad hurt mom.

Again.

The car stopped, and the engine shut off.

“We walk from here,” Rachel said as she opened her door.

They climbed out of the car. Max immediately lost herself in the towering giants. She’d been to the forests in Washington a few times, but always curated parks. It was nothing like this.

The road was barely more than a muddy track winding around trees and hardy bushes. Trees towered fifty feet or more before branches appeared. The trunks weren’t big around. Nothing like the one time her parents had driven through the sequoias. The ground was spongy with decaying wood, needles, and more.

She closed her eyes and breathed in the air, heavy with pine. Just a hint of the distant ocean touched it.

Something jostled her elbow. “You like it?” Chloe asked.

Max opened her eyes and kept them fixed on the gently swaying treetops. “It’s wonderful,” she said, more to herself than to Chloe.

“Maybe we could get a camping trip in before Rachel and Steph leave,” Chloe said.

That made Max look at her. She stepped away, suddenly aware of how close the other girl was. “I… that could be fun,” she mumbled. “I doubt I could go.”

Chloe gave a half smile. “Don’t know ’til ya try.” She held up Max’s backpack. “Ready to hike?”

Max stared at the pack for a few seconds, barely comprehending she’d brought it. Slowly, she lifted a hand and took it. A quick look inside revealed her camera, a water bottle, and a few other items. She slung the pack over a shoulder and joined the others.

Steph smiled at her, then turned and began walking uphill. The others fell in behind her. They walked in silence, following the muddy ruts as they wound through the forest toward an unknown end.

After a few minutes, Chloe fell back to walk alongside Max. “Hey,” she said.

Max nodded. “Hey.”

“I’m glad you answered today,” said Chloe. “Been a shitty week?”

Max gulped and tried to ignore the way her heart sank at Chloe’s words. “Just… a typical week,” she said.

Chloe nodded. “You still listening to Wide Eyes?”

“Um, it’s Bright Eyes and yes,” Max said with a slight smile at the mixup.

“Cool. Bright Eyes, like yours,” said Chloe. “You got your phone. Can I listen to one of their songs?”

“Oh…” A vision of broken bits of plastic and frayed wires popped into Max’s mind. “I don’t have my earbuds with me.”

Chloe raised an eyebrow. “Huh. I’ve never seen you without them,” she said. “No worries. I’ve got mine.” She pulled a tangled mess of wires from her hip pocket and spent a few seconds untangling them while Max quietly panicked.

“Here.” Chloe held out the plug. With shaking fingers, Max grabbed it and stuck into the phone jack.

“W-won’t it be… awkward to listen while we hike?” Max timidly said. As if to prove her point, she stumbled and almost face-planted into the track. Chloe grabbed her arm and helped steady her.

“You gotta point,” said Chloe. “You play the music. I listen.”

“Oh uh ok,” Max said. She queued up a song, waited until Chloe had the earbuds in, then hit play.

The seconds crept by as question after question piled into Max’s mind. They fed the doubt lurking beneath the surface of her consciousness; a debilitating beast always ready to ruin her day.

Ahead of them, Rachel and Steph walked side-by-side. They laughed and swatted each other playfully. Rachel stole kisses while Steph pretended to be surprised. They stole the occasional glance backwards, when Max would quickly avert her eyes.

“It’s very… you,” Chloe said. Max stumbled again, but caught herself before Chloe could touch her.

“Did you… like it?” Max couldn’t stop a sliver of fear entering her voice.

“Not my style, but it could grow on me,” Chloe said. “They’re story tellers, aren’t they?”

“Who? Conor Oberst?” Max asked, confused.

“Who the fuck’s Conor Oberst?” Chloe replied quizzically.

“Oh, um, the lead singer for Bright Eyes,” Max said. Heat filled her face.

Chloe shrugged and looked at her expectantly. “Oh… yeah,” Max said as heat rushed into her face. “A lot of their songs tell stories or have a message.”

“It’s why I like punk,” Chloe said. “Always talking about how the system sucks and needs fucking flipped on its head.”

“Huh,” Max said. “I… didn’t know that.”

“In fact,” said Chloe, “there’s a group I just started listening to you might like.”

“Oh?” Max said with quivering breath. She shot glances at Chloe while trying to follow Rachel and Steph. “Who’s that?”

“Let me play one of their songs for you.”

Max gulped, wondering why she was suddenly so nervous.

“The group is Against Me! and the song is The Ocean,” said Chloe, who seemed oblivious to Max’s discomfort.

Max stared at the earbuds Chloe held out toward her. They looked clean. Slowly, she took them and put them in her ears, trying to ignore the fact they’d just been in Chloe’s. Soon, a heavy beat overlaid with electric guitar played. The long intro drew her in despite the style being outside her normal interest. The singer wove their voice into the music, sometimes an asynchronous affair she couldn’t understand.

The second verse began, and she immediately stiffened.

Is she mocking me? Is that why she wanted me to hear this song? What’s she saying?

The questions piled higher until she no longer heard the song. It took everything she had to keep walking, to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, instead of tripping over exposed roots or running away. A shiver ran through her, and her throat tightened.

The song ended and Max woodenly handed the earbuds back to Chloe.

“So, what’d you think?” Chloe said expectantly.

“It was….” Max couldn’t find the words to say. She didn’t want to voice her thoughts, her suspicions, and pain. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Ahh, ok,” said Chloe.

Max shot her a glance. Chloe walked along the ruts with her easy gait. Her beanie hung from a back pocket and the slight breeze ruffled her hair.

Damn it! She’s fucking trying to be a friend and I’m just…

Pitiful? Worthless?

No! Mom and Dad have done enough to me. I won’t add to it!

Max swallowed hard, pushing down her fears. “What got you into the band?” she cautiously asked.

Chloe chuckled and said, “Steph played me their song I Was a Teenage Anarchist, and it kinda spoke to me.”

Max laughed, and the rest of her tension bled away. “That is so totally you,” she said.

“Oh?” Chloe said with a grin.

“Could I hear that song instead?” said Max.

“Really? You want to hear it?” There was a tone to Chloe’s voice Max didn’t understand, but she took it as a hopeful one.

A warmth bloomed in Max’s chest. “Sure. I want to hear something you like,” she said. A smile spread across her face.

Chloe handed back the earbuds. “Ready?” she said when Max put them in.

Max nodded, and the music played.

“So?” Chloe said when the song ended. She kept shooting glances at Max.

Slowly, Max returned the earbuds. “It’s not what I expected,” she said. “I like it.”

“You do?!” Chloe stopped walking. “You’re… not just saying that?”

Max also stopped. “Why would I?”

They looked at each other for several seconds. Well, Chloe looked at her while Max did her best to meet Chloe’s gaze. Her eyes kept dropping to Chloe’s chin or nose or shoulder.

“Huh,” Chloe finally said. “You’re fucking cool.”

“W-what?” Max stepped back in surprise. “Why?”

“You’re actually trying to like my music,” Chloe said. “Instead of brushing it off, making fun of it, or just pretending.”

Max looked at her with furrowed brows. “I don’t understand why I’d do that.”

“It’s what many people do,” Chloe said. “Not everyone. Rachel and Steph, for example. But it’s happened too many fucking times.”

“Why would people do that?” Max said in confusion.

“To get what they want,” Chloe said. “Pretend to like me so I trust em and then, they try to fuck with me.”

Idiot! It’s the same shit people pull on you.

Max gasped. “People do that to you, too?”

Chloe nodded. “Happens a lot. ‘Specially to girls. Guys pull that shit t-”

“Hey love birds!” Rachel yelled. “Get your asses up here. We found the spot.”

They both looked at Rachel. She was far ahead, barely visible through the trees. They resumed their trek.

Love birds?

“What do guys do?” Max quietly asked.

“They wanna get in yer pants,” said Chloe.

Max glanced at her. “Why do they want in your pants?”

“It’s a saying,” Chloe said. “It means they want to have sex with you.”

“Oh,” Max said, and her cheeks warmed.

[Fingers slid down Max’s side.]

She didn’t want them.

[Lips burned against hers.]

She tried to turn away.

[Hands squeezed her butt.]

She squirmed and whimpered in shame.

Max stumbled and almost fell into Rachel. “S-sorry,” she said, ducking her head. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to catch her breath, tried to banish the memories and feelings.

“Damn,” Rachel said. “With all your bike riding, I expected the climb wouldn’t bother you, Max.”

[“Tonight, you’re all mine,” Tracey whispered in Max’s ear.]

Max nodded and hurried past Rachel into the bright sunlight.

Steph sat cross-legged on a wide, flat boulder. It was easily the size of Max’s bedroom. Steph’s and Rachel’s packs rested on the stone, opened, and Steph was arranging small packages.

[Fingers slid up Max’s leg, disappearing beneath her skirt. “Hmm, let’s see what secrets are in here,” Tracey whispered.]

“You’re here, Max,” Steph said, pointing to her left. “And Chloe’s to your left.

Max set her pack on the stone and sat down. “What’s this?” she said woodenly, her mind still locked in the past. She wasn’t sure what had yanked her to that memory, but she couldn’t shake it. She propped her chin up with her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs.

[Fingers stroked her inner thigh. Lips nibbled her ear.]

A hand nudged Max’s. “Hey,” said Chloe. “You gonna eat your sandwich?”

“What?” Max said, looking at Chloe. Her breath froze when Tracey’s face superimposed over Chloe’s.

“You’re safe here, Max,” Steph said. “You know that, right?”

Chloe’s eyes flicked to Steph’s. “Steph’s right,” she said, returning her eyes to Max. “It’s just us girls and the trees.”

Max looked around as if seeing the surrounding forest for the first time. “Oh.”

Slowly, her arms unlocked. The memory faded as she looked at the swaying treetops. When its hold disappeared, she looked at the rock surface they sat upon. A sandwich rested on creased wax paper in front of her, next to a drink. Only drink bottles sat in front of the other three girls.

“Once you’re done, we can play,” said Steph, “Though you need to level up Sil first.”

Play?

She looked at Steph. Before she could voice her confusion, she remembered they were going to play D&D.

They played without me.

Pain lanced her heart, but she shoved it aside and kept her face calm. The other three chatted about the sessions, pulling items from their packs. Max picked up the sandwich to distract herself and took a bite.

It lacked any flavor. She peeled back the bread to look at its contents. It had everything she liked except taste. She swallowed the bite and debated eating more. Chloe caught her eye and mimed taking a bite. With a sigh, Max bit into the sandwich.

Why do you let her push you around like that?

She’s just telling me what I already know. I should eat.

Are you gonna do everything she wants?

Max ignored the question and continued eating. By the time everything was ready to play, she’d forced down half the sandwich. Setting the rest on the wax paper, Max wiped the crumbs from her fingers, and picked up her character sheet.

With Steph’s help, she leveled up Sil. In her absence, the group had gained enough experience points to go up two levels, placing Sil at level 12. Max looked at all the new things the character could do. She liked how orderly everything was laid out on the paper.

“Ok,” said Steph with a cocky grin. “For a point of inspiration, who can tell us what happened last time?”

“Oh, me! Me! Me!” Chloe said.

Rachel smiled and said, “We’d just defeated Gunderjaw, the not-so-brave Troll King. He was a shapeshifter, mind controlling the troll army. From him, we gained a clue to who or what is infecting the water.”

“Oh fuck you,” Chloe said while Rachel was speaking. Rachel stuck her tongue out when she finished.

“One point of inspiration for Rachel,” said Steph. “And a free +1d4 bonus to Callamastia’s next ability check for Chloe responding in character.”

“Fuck yeah!” Chloe said, grinning wildly.

“Can we do a long rest?” Rachel said. “We got absolutely hammered in the last session.”

“You’re still in the troll caverns,” Steph said. “Chances are high your sleep will be interrupted.”

“Can’t Sil do something about that?” Chloe asked.

With enormous eyes, Max looked from Chloe to Steph to the character sheet. “I… I don’t know,” she said. Her shirt was suddenly sticking to her.

“Sil’s spells are mostly for combat,” Steph said. “And Mel didn’t learn the Mansion spell.”

“Well fuck,” Rachel said. “Do we have any quick ways out of these caverns? It was hard enough getting in. I doubt Mel could survive the return trip.”

The discussion turned into a debate, and Max took the time to watch the three friends. Chloe and Rachel were each passionate about what to do, but they never turned to personal attacks or similar to get their way. It was a difference she’d noticed the first time she’d hung out with them.

The sun crept across the sky. The group of adventurers finally exited the troll caverns. Max finished her meal and involved herself more in the discussion and debates as the session moved along.

“Ok,” Steph said, “your turn, Sil. What are you gonna do?”

Max scanned Sil’s character sheet again. There were new spells and feats and the number of possibilities was overwhelming.

“What is PolyMorph?” She finally asked.

“You can turn yourself or anyone you see into whatever you want,” Rachel said.

“Whatever I want?”

Heads nodded.

Like… into a girl?

“Nah, you’re already a girl,” Steph said, “but you-”

I- did I say that out loud?!

Her throat tightened, and she didn’t hear the rest of Steph’s words.

“W-what about a plate of spaghetti?” Max rasped with her eyes fixed on the character sheet, trying her best not to cry.

“You want… the creatures to eat you?” Steph cautiously asked. “Why not turn into a dragon?”

“Fuck the displacer beasts,” Chloe laughed. “I’ll eat you.”

Max looked at Chloe and tilted her head with one eyebrow raised. “Why would you want to eat me?”

“Smooth, real smooth, Chloe,” Rachel said with a shake of her head.

Chloe grinned while Steph also shook her head.

Steph looked at Max. “Do you want to use PolyMorph?”

“You said I could be a dragon?” Her voice was a mess with all the conflicting signals she was picking up.

Steph nodded and said, “Uh-huh. Here, let me look up one for you.” She flipped through a book.

“Damn! What a way to get shot down,” Rachel said.

“What?” Max asked. “Who got shot?”

“Ok, you could be a bronze dragon which gives you a lightning attack,” said Steph.

Chloe chuckled. “Not giving up, though.”

Max shook her head as she tried to sort through the two conversations. After taking a deep breath, she looked at Steph and said, “A bronze dragon? Ok, Sil turns into that.”

Steph nodded and swapped the Sil figurine for one of a dragon. Max immediately picked it up to study. The tiny model had tons of details, all lovingly hand-painted by Steph.

Combat continued and Max did her best to follow what everyone did. Slowly, the others depleted the beasts until it came back to Max.

You’re good at this.

Max paused, the damage dice in hand.

Yeah… I am.

The dice clattered into the tray, and Max read off the numbers.

“How do you do it?” Steph said.

Max looked at her with gigantic eyes. “What do you mean?”

“You killed it,” said Steph. “So… how does it happen?”

Max launched into a description of a lightning ball sizzling across the creature’s skin, bolts dancing between the ground and body, leaping up to its head. “And then it’s like in cartoons, where in a brilliant flash we see the creature’s skeleton. When the light fades, smoke rises from the fallen beast.”

“Damn,” Chloe said with a low whistle.

“Love the light show,” said Rachel.

Steph glanced at her watch. “And with that, I need a break.” She neatly stacked her materials to the side, rose, and stretched. Max did her best not to look at her profile with envy.

The rest copied Steph, with Max standing last. Overhead, the sun had crossed the sky’s midpoint on its journey towards the western horizon. The sight made Max’s chest tightened.

Chloe stepped to her side. “Hey, wanna go on a walk? Maybe… explore a little?”

“Sure,” Max said, glad for the distraction.

“Hey uh, Max and I are gonna like walk and… shit,” Chloe said in an odd voice. Max tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.

“And shit,” said Rachel. “Riiiiiight.”

Steph laughed and waved finger-guns at them. “Don’t be gone too long,” she said with a smile. “I want to see the waterfall before we head back.”

Max immediately looked at Steph. “Waterfall? There’s a waterfall here?”

“Just a little one,” Chloe said. “And I’ll make sure we get back in time.”

With a slight flick of her head, Chloe smiled at her, turned, and walked away. Max followed.

They stepped off the rock into the trees’ shadows. The afternoon breeze had started, and the treetops swayed with the sound of a flowing creek.

Chloe walked a minute or two before stopping. She slowly turned on one boot heel and faced Max. Her left hand slid behind her back as she turned.

“I got something for you,” Chloe said.

Max froze and gulped. “Y-you do?” She squeaked out.

What will this cost me?

Chloe brought her hand from hiding, clenched. “Hold out your hand,” she said.

Slowly, as if it suddenly weighed a hundred pounds, Max held out her hand, palm up. Chloe’s hand hovered an inch or two above it. With a wink, she opened her hand.

Something fell into Max’s hand, and she almost yanked it away in surprise. No, not in surprise, in fear. Chloe moved her hand away, and Max gasped.

A bundle of wires lay on her palm. “What’s this?” She said as she released her breath.

“I figured you need them,” Chloe said with a smile. “Since you don’t have yours.”

Wires torn from their base.

Plastic shattered into bits.

Scraps of metal glinting in the light.

Max banished the memory before it could stir other things. “Thanks,” she said, not looking at Chloe.

“Don’t mention it,” Chloe shot back. She stuck her hands in her coat pockets, turned, and walked deeper into the woods.

“W-wait! Where are you going?” Max called after her.

Chloe looked over her shoulder, the hint of a grin a shadow across her face. She said nothing, just faced forward and kept walking.

“Chloe!” Max cried and hurried after her. She suddenly realized she didn’t know how to get back without Chloe. Fear shot through her, and she ran after Chloe in a burst of energy.

“Got something to show you,” Chloe said when Max skidded to a halt next to her.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Max said.

Chloe grinned. “What? A girl can’t be mysterious?” She pulled her hands from her pockets to wriggle her fingers in an up and down motion. She kept walking.

Max fell into step next to her. “Of course you can be mysterious,” she said, “Just… I need… I need more warning.” The last word was barely a whisper, strangled by fear’s iron grip on Max’s throat.

They walked in silence. Max kept looking around, trying to figure out where they were. They’d crossed the makeshift road not long after leaving Steph and Rachel. If she could find the track, she might find the other girls. Just in case something happened.

All that was forgotten in the next moment when she stepped out of the trees onto a cliff. The late afternoon sun warmed the stone and bathed the world in a comforting glow. The cliff jutted out over a sea of green mixed with red, orange, and yellow. In the distance was Arcadia Bay, with twisting columns of smoke rising from chimneys. Beyond the town, the sea glittered like a jeweled blanket.

Max steadied herself with a hand on a tree as she took it all in. Overhead, the clouds ambled across the sky, casting big moving shadows upon the waving trees.

Chloe stepped toward the edge of the cliff and sat down. The wind played with the blue hair, tossing it gently. The blue faded into blond near the roots. She sat with one leg bent and an arm hooked around it gazing across the scene.

Slowly, Max reached into her bag and pulled out her camera. She kneeled, framed Chloe in the viewfinder, and snapped a picture.

At the sound, Chloe looked at her with a gentle smile. “What’d you see, photo Max?” she asked.

Beauty.

“Just a moment to remember,” she said, looking away. She wanted so much to keep looking.

“Oh? Can I see?” Chloe said warmly.

Max plucked the paper rectangle from the camera and looked down. “It’s not developed yet,” she said.

Chloe patted the stone by her. “Have a seat Pete,” she said, “and show me.”

Max looked around before realizing Chloe had made a silly rhyme. Heat rushed to her face. She put the camera in the bag, walked close to Chloe, and sat down. Chloe scooted closer. They sat in silence, with Max looking between the developing photo and the forest beneath them and doing her best not to focus on how close Chloe was, how her heart raced, how something pulled her heart.

A low whistle brought her attention back to the photo. “That’s a great pic!” Chloe said.

Max nodded. She liked how Chloe was gazing out across the arboreal sea. Some hair played in the wind and she looked at peace.

“Here,” Max said, holding the photo out. “You can have it.”

Chloe looked at her. “Maybe you should keep it,” she said. “Give you something to look at.”

After a moment where Max battled herself silently, she nodded and put the picture in her bag.

“You take great pics,” Chloe said.

“Th-thanks,” Max said, not looking at her.

A hand nudged her shoulder. “I’m serious,” Chloe said. “Ya ever think about being a photographer?”

“Not really,” Max said and stared at her hands.

“Maybe you should,” Chloe said. “Tell me about somethin’ you like.”

My mom let a strange woman feel me up in public.

The intrusive thought swept aside the wonderful feelings. “Huh?” Max said and looked at Chloe without seeing her.

“Ya know,” Chloe said, running a hand through her hair. “What’s got you on fire?”

I made my dad hurt mom.

Max looked down at herself. “I’m not on fire,” she said matter-of-factly.

Chloe shook her head with a small smile. “Nah, it’s just a saying. I mean, what’s got you excited?”

I’m not sure I’m even human.

“Oh, um…” Max racked her brain to find something to say. The intrusive thoughts kept building up, burying other thoughts until her mind whirled.

Socks, I could talk about Socks!

“I have a kitten,” she said, warily, as she expected a biting comment any second now.

“You have a kitten?! I’d love to meet ‘em. What’s its name?” Chloe’s eyes dazzled in the light.

You shouldn’t like me.

Max looked over the arboreal sea, watching the wind ruffle the treetops like waves. “Socks.”

“What’d you say?”

Max looked at Chloe but fixed her eyes on the trees behind her. “Socks. My kitten’s name is Socks.”

The only creature who loves me.

Chloe’s face lit up. “Socks? Does it like… destroy your socks or somethin’?”

“Huh?”

I think my parents are trying to kill me.

Chloe’s smile became everything as she said, “Just curious why it’s named Socks.”

I’m stupid.

“Oh.” Max laughed as she pictured the little kitten beating up an old sock. “No, it has the cutest little white socks on its feet.”

“That’s a great sound,” Chloe said warmly.

Max looked at her. “The breeze in the trees? Or do you mean the squirrels scrambling up the bark? Or the creek gurgling over the stones a few minutes ago? Or-”

“Your laugh,” Chloe interrupted and warmth fluttered across Max’s hand. “I haven’t heard it much since that week you hung out with us. I… kinda miss it.”

Why are my ears hot?

“Oh,” Max said.

Chloe flashed her another smile, and Max permitted herself to look more than a second. There was an infectiousness to Chloe she couldn’t explain. Part of her wanted to smile back, like really wanted to smile, but she couldn’t let herself. Another part of her wanted to do things with Chloe, wrong, shameful things.

“Tell me more about Socks,” Chloe said, bumping Max’s elbow.

“Oh um, well…” It was so hard for Max to sort through the storm of intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Max took a breath, then launched into a detailed description of how she met Socks and all the things they’d done together. She gushed about building the cat house, playing with ribbons and twigs, the way Socks liked to curl up next to her and purr, and on and on.

Chloe didn’t stop her. Even when she described the most mundane details. She looked at Max with a smile, listened, and asked questions.

Max lost herself in the topic, lost herself in Chloe’s attention. The tension and harmful thoughts faded away. Max’s hands, normally stuffed in her pockets or playing with the edges of clothing, became alive, illustrating her words with broad gestures and flourishes.

“Wow,” Chloe said when the information flow ended. “That’s a fucking lot of stuff about cats.”

She looked at Chloe, trying to figure out if the girl was mocking her. Chloe’s hands were on her lap and she looked at Max in a way that made it seemed like small animals played in her belly. Max wanted to lean into the moment, drawn towards Chloe’s parted lips. She wanted to explore and learn what these new emotions were.

Max placed a hand over her belly and said, “Oh.”

With a raised eyebrow, Chloe said, “What’s up?”

“I… don’t know,” Max said and looked away. “Just felt funny for a moment. It’s gone now.” But it wasn’t. Sparkles filled her, and she didn’t know why.

“Mind if I smoke?” Chloe said.

Max shook her head and Chloe scooted a few feet away. She watched Chloe light the cigarette and inhale. The blue-gray smoke streamed from her mouth in thin, twisting columns before the breeze scattered it.

Talk to her.

“I’m… not used to having friends,” Max said, pushing down a sudden rush of fearful thoughts. “My parents have always… chosen my friends for me. The few times I tried making friends on my own, like at school, blew up. So I stopped trying. The ones my parents chose weren’t people I got along with. You and Rachel and Steph… you’re the first friends I’ve had in a long time. People I think of as friends.”

Chloe watched her, cigarette held in cupped hand. The breeze played with her hair distractingly. Max wanted to run her fingers through it, to play with them much as the wind did.

“I think what I’m trying to say,” Max said, trying to ignore the way her hands shook. “Is… I don’t know how to be a friend. And I’m… I’m scared.”

Please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me

“Why are you scared?” Chloe said into the silence.

“I’m scared you’ll be like the others,” Max said hoarsely. “Use me to get what you want. Take advantage of me. Hurt me. Scared I’m so…”

No! I can’t say that!

“…that I’ll mess things up,” Max corrected herself.

“You’re trying though,” Chloe said.

Fear shot through Max. “Trying?” she squeaked.

“To have friends,” said Chloe. “You show up when you can. You’re hanging out with us. You text. Your life’s a shit show, but it doesn’t stop you.”

Max nodded. “Thanks,” she said.

Chloe took one more drag on her cigarette before stubbing it out on the bottom of the lighter. She stuffed the butt back into the package and stood up. “We should get back,” she said. “We still need to go to the waterfall.”

The return walk was mostly in silence. Max lost herself in the day’s events and all the emotions they evoked. She barely noticed when they rejoined the others, and Chloe and Rachel shared a kiss. It was just one more thing she didn’t understand, adding to the ever-growing pile.

After a few seconds of conversation, everyone grabbed their gear and headed uphill. Steph eventually fell back to walk alongside Max. “I’m glad you came today,” she said. “D&D’s more fun with you.”

Max smiled briefly, the compliment glancing off the storm of thoughts filling her mind. “Thanks,” she said distantly. After a few minutes of silence, Steph hurried up to walk next to Chloe. Max watched them, three close friends walking, sharing thoughts and jokes, enjoying life.

It’ll be time to go soon.

[“Ari wants to play with you,” Vanessa said.]

Max shuddered, shut her eyes and forced the memory away.

What normally would be a walk filled with wonder for Max became one she was barely present for. She yearned for understanding, why her parents treated her like they did, why days were filled with pain more than anything.

A creek burbled across the rough road and they turned right, deeper into the forest. After several minutes of fighting through thick brush, the vegetation cleared, and they arrived at a pool. The water was clear and Max spied several small fish which darted away at their approach. On the opposite side and to their left, a small waterfall fell through the air to fill the pool, which drained into the creek they’d followed.

Rachel stretched her arms up, then said, “Anyone for a little swim?”

Steph nudged Rachel with a glance at Max. “Not today,” said Steph, “but we should go one more time before we leave.”

“Why’d you want to come here, then?” Rachel demanded.

“Because it’s one of my favorite spots,” said Steph, “and I’m trying to visit ‘em all before we leave.”

Rachel hmphed, then said, “Well, I’m at least getting my feet wet.” She sat down, pulled off her boots and socks and put her legs in the water. “So good.”

Max wandered away as Steph sat next to Rachel. She wanted a better view of the waterfall. Chloe stayed behind.

Several streams of water ambled down the rock face, joining at a ledge to make the fall. Little rainbows appeared in the spray and Max wished she had a better camera, one which could capture the full experience. It didn’t stop her from taking a picture.

She explored the area more while the photo developed. It was easy to see why Steph liked the place, at least in Max’s opinion. There was a peacefulness to the area. The waterfall splashing into the pool made a delightful noise, and it was easy to lose oneself in the ambiance.

“Hey,” Steph said.

Max leaped back with an “eep!”

“Whoops, didn’t mean to surprise you,” Steph said. “Guess I made my stealth check. What d’ya think of the waterfall?”

Max smoothed her shirt and tucked the picture into her bag. “I’ve never seen something like this before,” she said. “How’d you find it?”

Steph shrugged. “Luck, I guess. Couple years ago, we were hiking in the area when Chloe fell into the pool. It was kinda funny.”

“Really?” Max said with amusement. “She didn’t see it?”

Steph smiled and hooked a thumb in her pocket. “Nah, we came up from the other side, where the plants grow right to the edge. Before she knew it, she was in the water.”

Max looked at the pool, picturing Chloe sputtering and floundering in it, and smiled.

“So uh, actually wanted to talk with you about that,” Steph said. “About Chloe, that is.”

Max looked at her.

“Did… Chloe talk to you?” Steph asked cautiously.

Max raised an eyebrow. “We talked,” she said, stretching out the syllables.

Steph shook her head. “Sorry, that was fucking vague. I mean, did Chloe talk to you about being poly?”

“Poly?” Max shook her head. “What does that mean?”

“It means the three of us are girlfriends,” Steph said.

“Oh,” Max said, as feelings she couldn't understand filled her chest. “When did that happen?”

“Um, like a year ago,” Steph said. “We didn’t tell you at first because… not everyone understands or accepts it.”

“What’s not to understand?” Max said with confusion. “You got something that works for you. That’s all anyone needs to know.”

Steph raised her eyebrows and said, “That’s… wow, that’s not what I expected. So you’re ok with it? Ok with being our friend still?”

Friend…

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because Chloe…” Steph’s voice trailed into silence as her eyes widened. “Shiiiiit. You don’t …. Fuck me fuck me I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

The strange words made Max’s heart rate spike, and her breathing became rapid. “What?” She said. “What is it? What do you mean?”

Steph shook her head and backed away. “I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

Before Max could say anything else, Steph disappeared. Fronds and branches swayed in her hasty retreat.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Max said, suddenly on the verge of tears. “What about Chloe? Why can’t you tell me? What… what’s wrong with me?”

She slumped to the ground, barely noticing pain shoot up her back as she struggled to manage the pain flashing through her heart. The brief happiness of D&D and hanging out with Chloe unraveled like a ball of yarn into an unknowable mess. The tears wouldn’t come, though. An emptiness consumed them.

Then it was time to leave. Max walked in a haze. Voices echoed around her, hollow and wordless. A car appeared; Rachel’s car. Her pack slipped from her shoulders to dangle by a strap. Steph, at least she thought it was Steph, put it in the trunk with the other packs. Max climbed into the car, shut the door, and buckled the seatbelt.

The car was the world. It moved through shadows, chasing the dwindling light. Max smashed herself into the door, wishing she could disappear into a crack. Then, she wouldn’t have to be a burden to anyone.

Soft warmth brushed her fingers, then rested upon them. Seconds passed before Max looked over. Chloe looked at her worriedly. “What’s up?” She said.

Max stared at her, only now realizing how late it was.

[“Ari wants to play with you,” Vanessa said.]

Max shuddered. She didn’t know who this Ari person was, but she knew what her mom meant. Bile rose in her throat and she pushed it down, then took several deep breaths.

“I’m late,” she said to no one. “I was supposed to be home by 9. I’m late.”

“Fuck, sorry about that,” Chloe said. She said something else, but Max’s attention had turned away, to a place no one could follow.

They arrived at a modest ranch style home. The twilight hid much of its features. Max didn’t know if it was Steph’s or Rachel’s home. She got out of the car and retrieved her pack.

“You wanna ride home?” Chloe cautiously said. “You’ll get home closer to your curfew.”

If she takes me… she’ll know where I live… what kind of person I am.

“I’ll be fine,” she said without meaning it. She vaguely heard Steph and Rachel say goodbye.

“Max,” Chloe said. A moment later, the blue-haired girl stood in front of Max.

“You don’t need to tell me shit,” Chloe said, “but I can tell something fucked up is going on. Let me help you. If I take you home, you might make your curfew. If nothing else, so you don’t get in worse shit with your parents.”

Max studied Chloe, tried to put herself in the here-and-now and understand Chloe’s words.

She wants to help.

Chloe’s hands kept twitching upward, as if they wanted to touch her. “Please,” Chloe whispered.

I’m so… tired. Tired of… being alone… of having no one to trust.

She’ll only hurt you.

Like everyone else? Like I do to myself? I just… I want a friend… I need a friend.

In the end, you’ll only have pain.

“Ok,” she said, unable to look at Chloe. “Take me home.”

LOOKING LIKE THIS?!

But Chloe was already in motion. She trotted away from Max, reappearing seconds later with the bike. Max had no idea how it got there. Chloe wheeled it to her truck and popped it into the truck bed.

“Get in,” Chloe said with a smile. She jerked her thumb at the passenger door, then ran around to the driver’s side.

When Max didn’t move, Chloe looked at her across the hood. “Sup?”

I can’t let mom see me like this. But I don’t want Chloe to see me… to see that other person.

See? You should have said no and rode your bike home.

Maybe… I could lie? Sneak into the house without mom seeing?

Pain closed her throat as she realized she was stuck. There went her hope of having a friend. She’d have to talk her way out of Chloe driving her home.

“Talk to me?” Chloe said, suddenly in front of her.

Max gulped and tried to ignore the way her body trembled. She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to hold it off. The shaking only got worse.

“I can’t,” she said and screwed her eyes shut. “I can’t… go home like this.”

And when Chloe sees where you live… why would she want to hang around you?

“And I…,” she stifled a sob. “I don’t want you to know where I lived because… because…”

And then when she sees you as that other person? Sees how you lied to her?

Warmth briefly touched her elbow, a hint of presence, then nothing.

“I’m guessing Pan Estates,” Chloe said, as if it was no big deal. No big deal that Max lived in the most pretentious part of town.

And that was it. No biting remark; no disdain in her voice. Just a girl telling another girl where she lived. Or maybe a friend.

Max cracked open an eye. Chloe wore a half-smile.

“H-how did you know?” She asked with her heart in her throat. “Did you follow me?”

Chloe laughed easily. “Nah, nothing like that. The Estates fit what little you’ve said about your parents. Plus, your mom’s on billboards all over town advertising the Estates.”

Oh… yeah.

Max mentally kicked herself for forgetting that. She nodded. “Yeah,” she whispered hoarsely. “I live at the Estates.”

“Cool, then get in and you can tell me how to get there on the way,” Chloe said with a reassuring smile. When Max still didn’t move, she added, “It doesn’t matter where you live. You’re still Max.”

No… I’m not. I’m just a just a…

Even her mind couldn’t complete the thought as she turned away from Chloe. The tears that wouldn’t come earlier now threatened to overwhelm her.

“I… can’t go home like this,” she said, voice broken and scattered.

“Hey, no big deal,” Chloe said. “I’ve had to change before going home before.”

Max made herself look at Chloe, wanted to see hurt or anger or something in her eyes. “You don’t understand,” she said.

Chloe gave a gentle smile. “Then help me.”

“I don’t want… don’t want…,” Max said, but couldn’t go on. She looked away.

“Anyone to see you different?” Chloe suggested.

Max nodded.

“You’ll still be Max to me, no matter how you’re dressed,” Chloe said. “It won’t change how I see you.”

“It changes how I see me,” Max whispered to herself, then shot a fearful look at Chloe. When Chloe said nothing, Max’s shoulders slumped. “Ok, let’s go.”

They drove away in silence, except for the rattle of the truck. Max told Chloe where her clothes were, then stared out the passenger window at the darkening world. She hoped her clothes were there. Everything after the morning’s conversation with Vanessa was hazy.

I made dad hurt mom. Again.

She shuddered and pushed the thought away.

What’ll I do when Chloe sees me as… that other person? When she knows I’ve been lying to her?

Her clothes were where they were supposed to be. In the truck’s headlights, she found the bag and darted into the port-a-potty to change, breathing through her mouth because it hadn’t been cleaned for a while.

She wrapped the hoodie around herself, happy that even in her addled state, she hadn’t forgotten it. The padless bra was snug against her chest, a bit of comfort in the costume. She shoved the clothes into the bag and checked her phone. It was after 9 PM. No missed calls or waiting messages. The hair on her arms stood up.

After returning the bag to its hiding place, she got in the truck. “My house isn’t too far from here,” she said as she fastened the seat belt. She gave Chloe directions, then watched the plastic building fade into darkness.

“Please don’t…” What was she going to say? Don’t tell anyone about her clothes? About where she lived? About… what?

Her mind was a jumbled mess as they drove slowly through the dark streets. The quaint street lamps gave the area an odd feel with the limited circles of light.

“Hey, Max?” Chloe said. “Everything at home probably sucks right now. You got me, though, and Steph and Rachel.”

Max looked at her. “What… does that mean?”

“It means… if you wanna talk or I dunno make a plan to get out, we can help. We want to help.” Chloe tightened her grip on the steering wheel, then shot Max a glance. “You ever think about just… leaving?”

“Many times,” Max said, looking down at her legs. “Where would I go? How would I live? And if… if I tried to stay with someone… it wouldn’t go well for them. Mom and dad… they have money and influence. They’d find me.”

“But you turn 18 soon, right?” Chloe said determinedly. “You could leave then and there’s nothing they could do about it.”

“Maybe,” Max said half-heartedly.

The truck rounded the loop forming the driveway, and the headlights lit up a small sporty car. Max didn’t recognize it. Chloe whistled.

“Will you fucking look at that,” Chloe whispered.

“What?” Max said, looking everywhere.

Chloe looked at her. “Is that your mom’s car?”

“That sports car?” Max said. “No.”

Chloe nodded her head slowly. “It’s Maribel Chase’s car then. Only one like it in town. When she’s in town.”

Max froze. A shiver ran up her spine.

Suddenly, pieces clicked into place.

Max couldn’t breathe.

[A hand slid up her leg to grab her butt.]

The truck was stuffy, pressing in on her. Outside, the car gleamed in the headlights, taunting her with unwanted possibilities.

“I can’t go in,” she whispered.

The engine shut off, plunging the world into darkness.

“I can’t go in.” Max repeated, louder.

She shivered, pulled her feet up on the bench, and buried her face in her knees.

“I can’t,” she croaked.

“Why not?” Chloe said.

Maribel wants to… wants me to…

She couldn’t say it. Didn’t even want to think it!

Max was lost, alone, trapped in a world she couldn’t escape.

The truck, the world, was cold, so cold and nothing could warm the ice in her core.

[Fingers ran lightly up her thigh.]

She looked out the window, teeth clattering. Light faintly shone around the edges of the drapes.

Chloe nudged her. “Want to go somewhere else?”

“No!” Max whipped her head around to look at Chloe. “I-I c-can’t d-do that! I c-can’t!”

Chloe gazed at her across the dark expanse. Though she was only an arm’s length away, it seemed more like thousands of miles. After several seconds, she leaned forward, pulled off her jacket, and tossed it to Max.

“Put it on,” she said. “It might help.”

Swallowing the impulse to refuse it, Max took the jacket and wrapped it around herself. It draped over her shoulders and knees, forming a little tent. She tucked her chin against her knees and tried to breathe.

Maribel’s car was a void in the driveway. It sucked in the surrounding light, along with any sense of safety. The blackness captured her gaze, filling her mind with words whispered in Maribel’s voice.

[Lips brushed her neck.]

Max closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against her knees. Nothing worked. Chloe’s coat was nice, but it couldn’t stop the tremors. It couldn’t protect her from adults who only saw her as a thing to be used.

Max wanted to cry, but couldn’t let herself. She had to leave the truck, leave Chloe, and enter the house. She would have to force down everything she was, push it deep into herself, and lock it away. It was the only way to make it through the night, through life.

Trees swayed in the night, recalling the arboreal sea from earlier. This sea had swept her into a maelstrom she wasn’t sure she could escape.

She looked at Chloe, a shadow in the night. Chloe sat with her head leaned against a hand while the other dangled from the steering wheel.

“You ok?” Max asked.

Chloe rubbed her forehead with thumb and fingers. She didn’t answer for a while, just continued staring into the darkness and rubbing her forehead.

“David hit me today,” Chloe whispered.

“What?!” Anxiety and fear melted away, replaced by an intense need to reach out to Chloe

With her gaze locked on the mysteries of the night, Chloe said, “The fucker ransacked my room and found a joint. When he didn’t like my answer, he punched me, then slammed me into the wall.”

“No! Oh no! Chloe, I’m so sorry.” Max said, care and concern dripping from her words.

Chloe shook her head dismissively. “It’s fine I’ll-”

“No,” Max said, anger and worry and care mixed evenly in her voice. “It’s not fine! He shouldn’t treat you like that. No one should treat you like that. You don’t deserve it!”

Silence gathered around them like an itchy blanket. Max thought about David hitting Chloe. She’d never met the man and didn’t want to. She looked at Chloe’s profile in the darkness, head resting against the window, staring into the night.

A thought struck her and she unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted closer to Chloe. She wanted to lessen or remove Chloe’s pain, but how? Actions and thoughts warred inside, seeking release. Her hand hovered over Chloe’s shoulder, frozen by doubt.

“Do… Rachel and Steph know?” Max timidly asked.

“About today?” Chloe shook her head. “Nah, but they know he hits me.”

“And… and Joyce?”

Chloe sighed and her fingers curled around the steering wheel. “She doesn’t believe me. She accused me of ‘provoking’ David.”

Her mom doesn’t believe her?!

With a throat tightened by the emotions flooding her, Max whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks,” Chloe said.

“Does… it still hurt?”

“A bit.” Chloe rubbed her shoulder. “I’m just kinda numb about it all. Mom doesn’t believe me. Rachel and Steph care but right now they’re so full of each other and getting ready to go to college that, well, it’s hard for them to make time for me. Besides, what can they do? Take me with them?”

“Why not?”

Chloe snorted. “You know why I work a bunch of shitty jobs? Because I don’t have a fucking high school diploma. Most places I’ve worked pay me under the table.”

A vision of hands passing money back and forth under a table filled Max’s head.

Huh?

Max racked her brain for ideas, suggestions, anything. “Could you… get your diploma?”

“I’ve thought of that,” Chloe said, raising her head. “I’ve some money from dad’s life insurance. It could cover me going back to Blackwell if I could get Wells to let me back in.”

“Huh?” Max said in confusion. “Why Blackwell?”

Chloe didn’t answer, though she turned to look at Max. Max let her gaze and hand drop to her lap.

“I’m sorry,” Max said, not sure what she was apologizing for. “H-how can I help you?”

“You’re amazing,” Chloe whispered.

“What?!” Max looked up, startled. “No, I’m not! I’m ju-”

“No, Max, you are.” Chloe’s eyes shone in the night. “You’re so fucking terrified about, well, about everything, but the second I said David hit me, you became this… caring person. You didn’t blame me for having the joint or getting hit. Even now, you’re like… bleeding compassion.”

Chloe slid closer until the space between them disappeared. “It makes me wonder,” she breathed, “what’s got you so fucked up that you can’t show that same compassion to yourself?”

Max turned away. Chloe’s words touched something deep inside, a terribly painful festering wound. Grief and torment welled up to push against her mind, her voice. They wanted to escape in a loud, messy way. Her throat hurt with how tight they squeezed it.

“I need to go,” she forced out, but she didn’t want to. She slid away from Chloe. The jacket fell off her shoulders. “Get my bike out, please?”

“Max.” The way Chloe said her name tore at her heart. She wanted to return to her side, but she couldn’t.

Max opened the door. The night air was refreshing, but she barely noticed. She quietly shut the truck door. The garage door would alert her mom and others that she was home.

The tailgate screeched open, jumbling Max’s nerves further. Chloe swung the bike down and leaned it against the truck.

When Max grabbed the handlebar, Chloe tugged on the sleeve of her hoodie.

“I mean it,” Chloe said. “You’re fucking amazing, Max. Whatever your parents are doing to you, you don’t fucking deserve it.”

Yes, I do.

Max nodded without meeting Chloe’s look. “Thanks,” she whispered as she fought the demons Chloe’s words summoned. “I… hope things get better for you. Thanks for today it… meant a lot. See you later.”

She wheeled the bike up the bush-covered incline separating the guest driveway from the main driveway. Chloe said something she didn’t hear. She fished out the opener and pressed the button. The garage door rumbled open. Behind her, the truck roared to life, making her shudder.

The garage loomed before her, a dark maw ready to devour her. The truck crunched over sticks, pine cones, and rocks as it completed the circuit. She parked her bike between her mom’s car and the wall. The cavernous mouth rumbled shut.

The kitchen and front room were dimly lit. Moans, giggles, electric zaps, and more leaked from her parents’ bedroom. Max shuddered as she climbed the stairs. Dad wasn’t home and wouldn’t be for who knows how long. It was just her, Vanessa, and Vanessa’s friends.

She pushed her thoughts and feelings into a mental box and slammed the lid. All that remained was a blissful emptiness. It seeped from her mind to dull her body as she prepared for bed.

“You’re fucking amazing, Max.” Chloe’s words returned to her as she slid into bed. They stung. Tears pricked her eyes.

The bedroom door quietly swung open. The dim hallway light silhouetted a slender, curvy woman with one hand on the door frame. A shiny, thin robe barely covered her. A bare abdomen flashed as she stepped into Max’s room.

Max clung to the covers.

“Home at last,” Maribel purred. “I wonder if you have your mom’s stamina.”

She stepped toward the bed. The robe fluttered to the floor.

Max scrunched herself against the wall.

Maribel sat on the bed, one hand traveling up Max’s blanket-covered leg. Max lay in silence, frozen with what was to come. Maribel leaned over her. Lips, warm and moist, pressed against hers.

And in her mind,

Max screamed.

Chapter 6

Notes:

Content warning: ableist slur in one of Max's memories. Suicidal ideation.

I know I’m unlovable
You don’t have to tell me
Message received
Loud and clear

The song played over and over in Max’s head. It was her anthem, her theme song, made real by people like Maribel and her parents.

Water pelted Max’s body, but she didn’t feel it. Steam filled the room, hiding everything except hopelessness.

I’m worthless.

Earlier, her body had violently expelled what little food it contained. Her stomach threatened another revolt. Everything ached.

Her fingers twitched and flexed on the shower floor. Water streamed off them. She watched the streams flow towards the drain.

If I cover the drain, could I drown? I want to drown.

No. She’d already tried. The lip around the shower bottom was too shallow. All she’d succeeded in doing was flooding the bathroom.

Max closed her eyes, but that brought last night into horrific view. Her eyes snapped open.

The tile floor of the shower pressed against her. She wanted it to swallow her.

I know I’m unloveable and worthless. Why can’t I just die?

She had scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw. Nothing could remove the memory of Maribel’s touch. Nothing could make her feel clean, whole, like her body belonged to her. Instead, her body shook with the memories, not just of Maribel but all the others over the years who ignored her protests and struggles, who laughed at her tears, who rewarded her pleas with more cruelty, who delighted in taking her power for themselves.

My body isn’t mine.

She lay on the shower floor, numb, weak, grotesque. Wrong.

Why does this happen? Why was I even BORN?!

Max screamed, not caring if Vanessa heard. Wanting Vanessa to hear. Maybe her mom would beat her. Then she’d feel something. She wanted to feel something.

And so she did.

Pain exploded in her head, her gut.

But she couldn’t feel it.

Her throat constricted again. Her body writhed as memories of last night intruded. No matter how she twisted and turned and begged and sobbed, the memories wouldn’t stop.

I want… I want to die.

She whimpered.

Please let me die.

The bathroom door opened with a bang, but Max barely noticed.

“Mark,” yelled Vanessa. “Get your ass out of the shower!”

Please hurt me.

Footsteps stomped closer. “You’re using up all the hot water, you selfish idiot,” Vanessa yelled. “And here I came in with good news! You have a job!”

I don’t want a job.

“Get out of the shower and get dressed. I need to take you to fill out the paperwork,” Vanessa demanded.

Why do you have to take me?

The water stopped falling.

“God, you’re so disgusting,” Vanessa said with disdain.

I know.

A towel landed on her. “Get dressed and make sure you wear the black suit,” Vanessa said.

I wear black on the outside
‘Cause black is how I feel on the inside

The feet stomped away. “You’ve got 10 minutes,” Vanessa said.

Why won’t you hurt me?

---

Max stared at the forms. The lines and boxes grew larger and larger until it was all she could see. It was hard to breathe.

The suit chafed and itched in ways that clothing never should. Vanessa had fussed over her, smoothing her hair, fixing the tie. She told Max how handsome she was. “If only the rest of you was as useful as your looks,” Vanessa mused. “Maybe you’d amount to something.”

I get it. I’m useless.

Max painstakingly wrote her name, the wrong name, on the form. Part of her withered into nothingness.

The faster I do this, the sooner I can get out of here.

And do what?

Get out of this suit. Get away from mom.

Vanessa sat behind her, chatting with a man Max supposed was a manager. Max did her best to focus on the paper, but it was so hard. Sounds came from everywhere, flooding her brain. Wrongness clung to her skin. She started rocking.

I can do this.

No, you can’t.

Something tapped her shoulder. “Are you almost done, Mark?” Vanessa said with fake sweetness. A warning underlay her words.

The form snapped into view. It was messy, but legible. Barely. “Almost. What’s my social security number?” Max said, making sure to speak loudly.

“Hand me the paper and pen,” Vanessa said.

Max obeyed. Vanessa wrote on the paper, then handed it to the manager. “All done,” she said and stood up.

The manager scanned the paper and nodded. “Looks good,” he said and looked at Max. “You need to be here at 4 PM tomorrow so you can start training.”

Max and Vanessa left.

She had to show up, had to follow through. Vanessa had threatened the diner again when she balked at working at a restaurant.

Other people’s lives depend upon you. Woe is them.

 

Ryan would be gone at least a week, which wasn’t unusual. For much of Max’s life, he’d rarely been at home. Even when he was, he seldom spent time with her. She preferred that.

Oh, he’d tried bonding with her when she was younger, but Max didn’t do well with the things he liked. Although she could run, she didn’t enjoy getting hurt, so sports like football were out of the question. And she lacked the patience for fishing, which was one of his favorite pastimes. Ryan spent far more time with her cousins than her.

Vanessa had also kind of resigned herself to a life without Ryan. It meant more time with her other partners. In Arcadia Bay, that meant Maribel and Dani, whoever that was. Maribel was waiting for them when they returned from the restaurant.

“Mmm, darling,” Maribel purred and gave Vanessa a passionate kiss when Vanessa got out of the car. “We’re going to have lots of fun together.”

Max exited the car and tried to escape to the house. “Where are you going?” Maribel said. “Such a strapping young lad.”

Away from you.

“Oh, he’s got some chores to take care of,” Vanessa said. “Which means more time for us.”

“If only he wasn’t your son,” Maribel said with an evil laugh. “Three’s more fun.”

Max shuddered and her body seemed to separate from her mind.

Vanessa laughed. “I’m sure we can arrange something,” she said. “Maybe Dani?”

Max left them in the garage and stumbled into the house. Her heart pounded so loudly she couldn’t hear her own footsteps. She made it to her room, shut the door, and collapsed on the floor. Visions of the previous night flooded her, and darkness descended.

When Max came to, she was in a heap in front of her door. Muffled sounds of pleasure echoed through the house. She winced as she sat up and looked around.

This stupid suit!

She almost ripped the suit in her haste to take it off. She stood up and kicked it into the corner.

It was midafternoon. She’d been laying on the floor at least an hour. It took only a few seconds to put on comfy clothes, then Max grabbed her other phone and backpack and left her room.

Maribel and Vanessa were in the living room. Clothes were everywhere, on the floor, thrown across furniture, creating a trail from the kitchen to the living room. Vanessa straddled Maribel’s lap.

“I’m, uh, gonna ride around the Estates,” Max said, with her eyes locked on the floor.

“Be home by 9,” Vanessa said. Her entire focus was on Maribel.

Max rushed from the house.

She rode to think. She rode to dispel an anxious energy which filled her. But most of all, she rode to force last night from her head.

When she was near collapsing from exhaustion, she found Socks. They played in the shade of a group of trees. Max lay on the ground while Socks climbed, leaped, and tumbled all over her. She had a bit of ribbon and the kitten chased it all around. Max smiled at Socks’ antics.

“You’re an adorable fluff ball,” she said and tenderly scratched Socks’ head. The kitten meowed and batted at her fingers.

The other phone buzzed, and Max pulled it from her pocket, to Socks’ annoyance. The kitten tumbled off her, little paws clinging to her shirt as she sat up.

Several messages from Chloe waited for her.

Chloe> Hey

Chloe> Mornin’ Max

Chloe> You there?

Chloe> I’m worried about you

Chloe> text me plz?

Chloe> I hope you’re ok

Chloe> Wanna hang out?

Chloe> …

Chloe> We could play more Smash Bros.

Chloe> I hope things get better for you

Reading the texts filled her with anger. Max snapped the phone closed and threw it! It tumbled through the air, flying through the trees to disappear. She screamed.

Socks scurried away from her. The movement sliced through the anger as she spied Socks scrunched into a ball. “Oh baby,” she choked. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you!”

She crawled over and gently stroked Socks’ back. The kitten stretched, its little claws digging through the dirt as they flexed and retracted. “You’re such a good little kitty,” Max said.

The anger lurked deep inside, festering and feeding the negative thoughts which defined her existence. She trembled as her fingers caressed the kitten.

“And I’m a broken, horrible mommy.” Her voice cracked and shattered.

Why does Chloe care? She shouldn’t care! I’m not worth it. Not worth anything. I’m broken and evil. She should hate me! Hurt me like mom and dad do.

That’s right. If you were worth something, mom and dad would treat you better. They wouldn’t trade you to women for favors. They wouldn’t beat you. You’re such an evil, disgusting person. All you deserve is pain.

Max curled into a ball. Socks tucked herself into a tiny loaf against her cheek. The kitten closed her eyes and purred.

Socks loves me.

She choked out a sob. Socks opened her eyes, looked at Max, and gave a tiny meow. That done, her eyes closed, and she returned to purring.

Chloe at least likes me. I think. Tolerates me.

Max faded away into the thoughts which tore at her sense of self, reducing her self-worth to less than nothing. Despite the pain and self-disappointment, she couldn’t let go of the one connection she’d made in her life, no matter what she thought of herself.

“I’m sorry,” she said to no one and climbed to her feet.

Socks looked at her as if to say, “this bed moves too much”. She yawned, stretched, and meandered into the little home Max had made for her.

Max ran in the direction she’d thrown the phone. In the fading light, it took an hour or more to find it. It was the buzz from a message notification which finally helped her locate it.

Choking back a sob, she snatched the phone from a pile of needles and broken twigs. She flipped it open to find a grainy picture of Chloe making a silly face. Despite the pain squeezing her heart, she couldn’t help laughing.

Chloe deserves better.

---

The glasses clinked together, and Max shuddered. She moved them to the tray, careful not to let them touch again, then resumed clearing the table.

The steak knives gleamed in the dim light. Grease coated their silvery surface.

They’d probably cut through my wrists easily.

Her fingers played with the knife handle, testing its feel and balance.

Just one slice and it’d all be over.

Calm accompanied the thought. A temptation to slip the knife into her pocket seized her.

“Hurry up,” her trainer hissed.

Max pushed the thought from her mind and loaded up the tray. With a groan, she hefted it. Her trainer rolled her eyes, then folded the table cloths into a square.

Max carried the heavy tray to the kitchen, where she unloaded it. The leftover food made her stomach twist and churn. It was tempting to grab some of the food to hide it and eat later. She didn’t.

So hungry…

After wiping down the tray, she put it on a stack with others. She followed her trainer back to the dining, room where she grabbed a hand sweeper and cleaned the carpet. Meanwhile, her trainer went to the front of the restaurant.

Lost in her thoughts, Max focused on her closing tasks. The last customers left, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

Only a few more minutes now and I can get out of here. Out of this awful outfit!

The restaurant required a vest along with the dress shirt, bowtie, suit pants, and dress shoes. She didn’t care how expensive the clothing was. They were tight and entirely too itchy. It was like being rolled in the worst wool blanket, scratching her no matter how she moved.

“Hey, Mark,” said a pleasant voice.

Max snapped her head up. Dana Ward walked toward her, a stack of cash in her hand.

Dana was everything Max wished she could be: pretty, smart, popular, and confident. She walked with a purpose, always so sure of herself. Max looked away as insidious thoughts tore at her self-worth.

“Here’s your share of the cash tips,” Dana said and held out the money.

Max slowly took the money and pocketed it. It wasn’t like she could keep any of it. Her pay check would go into an account controlled by her parents and she’d have to hand the tip money over when she got home. She’d tried withholding tips the first night to her regret.

“Good work tonight,” Dana said. “You’re really getting the hang of an assistant server. I can’t believe you’ve only been here a week.”

What does she want? Why is she complimenting me?

“Th-thanks,” Max said, not able to meet Dana’s smile.

Dana turned, then paused. “I heard you’re attending Blackwell this fall,” she said.

How’d she know?

“Do you have your class schedule yet?” Dana said.

Max shifted her weight and shuffled her feet. “No,” she said, with her eyes fixed on Dana’s shoulder.

“Oof,” said Dana. “You should get yours. I’m sooo happy we have a late start time this year. Last year, classes started at 7:15 in the morning and I am so not a morning person.”

Dana laughed, and Max marveled at the musical quality.

I wish my laugh sounded like that.

Chloe likes your laugh as-is.

Dana looked at Max thoughtfully. “You’re scheduled for the brunch shift next weekend, right?” she said.

Max nodded.

“I’m having a going away party for some friends,” Dana said. “They’re going off to college. It’ll be next Saturday, starting at 4 PM. I’m only inviting about a dozen people. Keep it small and easy to plan.”

Max shuffled her feet. Why is she telling me this?

“Do you want to come?” Dana said slowly, with one eyebrow raised.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

“I, uh, I guess so?” Max said. Her voice quavered as her thoughts tore her down.

“Cool beans,” Dana said. “If you like to swim, bring shorts and a towel. Hey, what’s your number so I can text you about it?”

The sweeper handle fell to the floor with a thump. “I, uh,” Max said and tried to keep her hands still.

Which number do I give her?!

“Hey,” Dana said. “No worries. Let me write down the info.” She pulled out a pen and pad of paper and jotted on it. Tearing the sheet off, she handed it to Max. “Hope to see ya there. I have to get back to closing now.”

With a wave of her fingers, Dana returned to the front of the restaurant. Max watched her walk away, attention torn between how Dana walked and internal panic about being invited somewhere. She crammed the paper into the pocket with the tip money.

The room slowly rotated around her as she returned to sweeping the area. Time passed, and it was finally time to leave.

Max exited through the back door. The night was warm and breezy. She paused and took a deep breath before walking toward her bike.

“Fuck you,” growled a voice.

Max froze. It took her a while to recognize it was Beth’s voice, her lead server, and trainer.

“Huh?” Max said, looking around for Beth. A shadow detached from the opposite wall and walked toward her.

“You fucking momma’s boy shit heel,” Beth growled. “Ever since they made me work with you, my fucking tips have been cut in half!”

“S-sorry,” Max said and backed away.

Beth followed. Her finger jabbed at her. Max flinched as they entered the pool of light around the back door.

“And it’s your fucking fault! Stop talking to the customers like a fucking robot!” With each word, Beth’s finger jabbed Max’s chest. Max stumbled and fell against the wall. The world spun. A wobbling Beth got in her face.

“And fucking smile like a human,” Beth said. “And fucking look at the gods’ damned customers! I swear, if you can’t act like you fucking want to be here…”

For a moment, Beth seemed at a loss for words. The world had stopped spinning and wobbling, so Max picked herself up and shuffled to her right. The movement caught Beth’s attention, and she turned her glare onto Max.

“I’m not fucking losing money over you, Caulfield,” Beth said. “If you don’t get your shit together before the weekend shift, I’m taking this to the general manager.”

Beth spun and walked away. “S-sorry,” Max said, hands out to ward off a blow. The darkness swallowed Beth.

Max didn’t know how long she stayed there, waiting for a strike which never came. Wondering why she waited for a blow. When she finally lowered her hands, she was surprised by how quiet the world was, except for the distant surf.

A few heavy, cautious steps took her to her bike.

It’s not the first time someone said you sound like a robot.

I don’t even know what that means. No one ever tells me.

Because you should be smart enough to figure it out!

Max cringed, almost dropping the bike lock at hearing her parent’s words in her head.

Moments later, she was riding swiftly through the night. If only she could outrun her thoughts in the same way.

Chloe…

Fuck Chloe!

No!

Chloe had continued texting her, even though most of Max’s responses were single words. She’d refused and avoided each invitation to hang out.

It would have been easy. Dad was still gone and mom’s attention this past week was on her girlfriend. Max could have left with a weak excuse and had fun.

[“I mean it,” Chloe said. “You’re fucking amazing, Max. Whatever your parents are doing to you, you don’t fucking deserve it.”]

Max almost crashed into the curb.

I am NOT amazing and I deserve whatever shit my parents give me. It’s all I deserve.

She continued her ride, pedaling faster than before as her memories came to life. They howled on her heels, nipping at her mind.

---

“Where’s Ryan?” Little Max asked.

Vanessa whirled. Something fell to the floor with a clatter and a bang. Max flinched, hands raised partway to her head.

“Don’t you fucking call your father by his name,” Vanessa screamed. “He’s dad to you!”

Max trembled and stepped backwards. Her eyes roved everywhere and she almost fell. “B-but his na-,” she said.

A hard slap across her face scattered the words to the universe. Max looked at Vanessa with mouth open wide. She touched her cheek.

“Your dad,” Vanessa hissed, putting extra emphasis on the title. “Is with your cousin Andy. They’ll be gone all day.”

“But he did that last weekend, too,” Max said in confusion. Her cheek stung.

Vanessa snorted, then squeezed the bridge of her nose. “I can feel the headache already,” she muttered. In a regular voice, she said, “Andy is practically fatherless, you know that. And you know that’s why your dad spends so much time with him.”

Max stared at her.

But what about me?

“And don’t look at me like that,” Vanessa said. “You’re almost 5 years old. You should be able to remember these things. God, you’re so stupid. Now, why did you want your dad?”

Why did she want Ryan? She couldn’t remember.

“Then get the fuck out of here,” Vanessa growled. “Or do I need to get the belt?”

“N-no Van- ur, I mean mom,” Max said. The word was strange in her mouth.

---

Max cautiously walked toward the parlor entry. Voices leaked from the gap between the doors.

Do I go in and tell mom I’m home?

She was conflicted. Vanessa demanded she report in the moment she got home from anywhere. But she also detested Max interrupting time with her friends. Max edged closer to the door as she tried to figure out what to do.

“Believe me girls,” Vanessa laughed. “Mark was the easiest baby ever! He’d just lay in his bassinet or crib and entertain himself. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about him.”

Several voices declared how lucky Vanessa was.

Max’s heart plummeted. She hated when her parents talked about her to others. It didn’t do any good to complain about it. They’d just say she was being too sensitive.

“So he’s always been off?” an unknown woman said.

“He didn’t really speak until he was four,” Vanessa said. “Just one or two word replies and he never said ‘momma’ or ‘dada’, the idiot.”

“Oh, you poor thing, Vanessa.”

“He what?”

“What a freak.”

“Are you sure he’s yours?”

“Wow, he’s stupid.”

Each sentence was a stab to Max’s heart. She wanted to back away and leave, but something kept her rooted to the spot.

“Thanks girls,” Vanessa said cheerfully. “The amount of shit I put up with with this kid, I tell you. Some days, I wonder how I’m sane. Do you know how many times I have to explain things to him? Like, he takes forever to learn something new and I have to be on his ass about everything.”

“That sounds rough.”

“Is he lazy?”

“Maybe he’s retarded.”

“Sarah might be onto something. Have you had him tested?”

“Oh, he’s seen counselors and shrinks,” Vanessa said. “And they say nothing’s wrong with him. I swear, most days, I wish I’d put him up for adoption. Make Mark someone else’s problem.”

“What does Ryan think?”

“Of what? Mark?” Vanessa said with scorn. “Ryan can’t stand him. He wouldn’t even fucking touch me while I was pregnant. Said he didn’t like how it made me all fat and hormonal. Every day I curse myself for not dumping the kid on the system and divorcing Ryan. But here we are. Mark’s been nothing but a problem and that’s all he’ll ever be.”

“You know,” someone said. “I bet there’s a way to still dump Mark on the system.”

“Oh,” said Vanessa with interest. “Let’s talk.”

With gritted teeth, dark thoughts, and a heavy heart, Max turned away.

---

The bike coasted to a stop. Max almost fell to the ground as she tried to dismount. The bike landed in a heap and she stumbled to the light pole and collapsed.

Why am I so different? Why can’t I do anything right? Now, I’m talking like a robot and if I lose my job… Joyce will lose hers. I can’t…

Maybe you should. Think of how that would feel to see Joyce lose her job. Think they’d lose their house? Chloe would be homeless, living out of her truck. Think of how much that would hurt! How much your heart would twist and bleed.

Max pulled off her backpack and took out an envelope.

How many times will you stare at that? Decide already!

Chloe deserves better. I wish… I wish she could move with Steph and Rachel. She’d have her friends and be away from that David person.

[“David hit me today.”]

Her hands fell to her sides. The detached anguish in Chloe’s voice haunted her. She wished she could take Chloe’s place, to put herself between Chloe and David’s fists.

How could someone treat Chloe like that? All the kindness Chloe had shown her, Rachel, and Steph came to mind. Chloe wanted to be her friend. Were they friends? Sure, she had a hard time trusting people, but there was something about Chloe, a feeling or notion that moved her to believe Chloe was genuine.

Max was the problem.

Always was.

Mom was right.

But that wouldn’t stop her from trying to do something for Chloe. Even if it was cheesy or cliche or weird. Chloe deserved good things, even if nothing Max did was good.

She stared at the envelope.

Chloe deserves better things. A better life.

One without you!

Perhaps. But I’m in her life now and I want to be a friend.

It’ll just hurt more when you fuck up and get the diner closed. Or is that what you want?

Shut up! I want to be the person I choose to be!

So you don’t want to be hurt? Then you better stop being Chloe’s friend.

I said, shut up!

The thoughts wouldn’t give up. Max pulled at her hair in frustration. The envelope fell to the ground.

“Why?” she sobbed and fell to her knees. “Why does this have to be so hard?”

The envelope lay in front of her. Its contents tormented her. She should just tear it up.

But I want to do something nice for Chloe.

How does a letter help?

Because I can write the words I cannot say.

You re-

She forced the thoughts out of her mind and pushed down the emotions which throttled her throat. With numb fingers, she picked up the envelope.

I’ll never escape them.

She pulled out her parents’ phone and thanked whoever or whatever that Vanessa was with one of her girlfriends tonight. Again. Otherwise, Vanessa would have blown up her phone with missed calls and texts. She hid the phone in a crack, covering it with dirt.

I wonder why mom doesn’t have boyfriends like she did in Seattle.

Standing up, she brushed the dirt from her knees. They throbbed from the fall, but she ignored it. She got on her bike and rode away.

The house loomed in the night. Max sat on her bike, feet planted, and studied the house.

Is Chloe ok? Did David hit her again?

A finger traced the edge of the envelope. A faulty streetlight flickered between two driveways. Light seeped around the curtain of the window over the garage.

Chloe’s room.

A vision filled her mind, of Max scaling the side of the house to creep into Chloe’s room. In reality, she’d probably fall and hurt herself. How would she explain that?

Why would I go see her when…

Her chest ached.

Maybe she’s playing that game… Smash Bros, I think it was? Or chatting on the phone with a friend.

The right side of Chloe's truck was on the sidewalk, facing the wrong direction. Slowly, Max got off the bike and crossed the street. She stood next to the truck for a while, playing with the envelope.

I just have to put it in the door. She’ll find it in the morning and then… then…

Her throat tightened. She crammed the envelope in the door crack, but it didn’t go in far enough.

Oh no!

Max looked around.

The windshield wiper? But what if it rains? Or someone else takes it?

She stepped to the side to peek into the truck bed when she noticed something. The driver’s side window wasn’t up all the way!

Max reached up and slid the envelope through the gap. As it fell, headlights lit her up! The world faded into a dull pounding.

She ran across the street and hopped on her bike. With a swift push, she was racing down the street, dodging cars and turning corners.

It wasn’t until she reached where she’d hid the phone that she calmed down. She stood in the disk of light, staring at her parent’s phone.

I did it. I finally did it!

And she felt horrible. She wanted to throw up.

A paper fluttered in the light and Max looked up. A brightly colored poster was taped to the pole. Much of it had been torn away, but the message remained:

Arcadia Bay Food Bank Needs You.

Volunteer Today!

Below it was a partial address, interrupted by a jagged edge.

Now that’s something I’d like to do.

You know what your parents would say.

I don’t care.

Why do you insist on creating more problems all the time?!

Max reached out and carefully removed the rest of the poster. She folded it up and put it into her backpack.

They probably won’t want you, anyway.

She gathered her stuff, got on her bike, and rode home.

Maybe Maribel is waiting for you.

Max almost crashed. She wobbled against the curb. Vanessa had said Maribel would be at their place tonight. Maribel had left her alone since that night, but she’d hinted at more to come.

How do you think Chloe will feel if she knew about you and Maribel? She’d probably be disgusted by you.

All too soon, she coasted down the driveway, chased by never ending thoughts. Wild bushes towered over her. She dug the garage remote from her pack and pressed the button.

Just a few more minutes and I can get the - WHAT THE FUCK?!

The hair on her neck stood up. The only car in the garage was Maribel’s.

No no no no no no no no

She stared at the car for an uncomfortably long time.

I could leave…

Why bother? They’ll find you no matter were you go.

Not if I leave their phone here.

And what? Let them tear down the diner? Put all those people out of work?

Better than-

Better than what? Doing what you’re fucking supposed to? You don’t get a choice in this. You never get a choice.

With a trembling, achy body, she slowly walked the bike into the garage.

I’m trapped.

Nerveless fingers put the bike helmet on the handlebar.

I don’t want this.

She walked to the entry and stared at the door.

She’s in there. Waiting. I… I can’t I don’t want this

Fingers wrapped around the doorknob.

Why’d I have to be born?

Her forehead rested against the door.

Why…

She choked back a sob and took several deep breaths to calm herself. The door opened, and she walked inside.

Maribel sat on the couch wearing jeans and a simple blouse. Her legs were crossed, with one strappy sandaled foot bouncing, and she held a wineglass half-filled with red liquid. “Welcome home, Mark,” she said sweetly.

Max tried to hide the shudder. “Hi,” she said distantly. The detachment hadn’t set in yet.

“Go change into something more comfortable, then come join me,” she said and patted the seat next to her.

“Yes, ma’am,” Max mumbled.

With an empty mind and a body filled with tension and dread, Max trudged upstairs. She blinked, and she was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, seated next to Maribel. Fingers slid through her hair.

“Mmm,” Maribel said.

Max grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and lifted it. A hand stopped her.

“No,” Maribel said with a shake of her head. “Not that. We’re just here to talk.”

“Here to talk,” Max echoed, then cringed inside.

Maribel smiled. “That’s right, sweetie, just talk.” She swirled her glass and took a sip. “And don’t worry about your mom. She’ll be out all night entertaining another toy.”

Toy. That’s all I am to them.

“But you’re not just a toy, are you?” Maribel said. She took another sip, then let her fingers slid along the side of Max’s head. “The way you study things. Your eyes, always taking in everything. I bet you see what most people don’t.”

Max squirmed, eyes flicking to the glass of clear liquid on the coffee table. Her throat was dry, and she needed something to occupy her hands before they started doing something. The fingers in her hair unnerved her.

“It’s ok to drink,” Maribel said, fingers sliding down Max’s cheek. “The water, I mean. There’s nothing in it.”

Slowly, Max leaned forward. Her skin stopped crawling when Maribel’s fingers disappeared. She picked up the glass, took a breath, then leaned back. The fingers returned to play with her throat while she took a drink.

“And always so considerate with your words,” Maribel purred. “That moment where you pause before you answer a question, like you want your words to matter. Mmm, it’s so different! You’re so different.”

Max clenched the glass on her knees. Maribel’s fingers slid down her arm. She fought the instinct to pull up her shirt or to put her hands on Maribel. With each passing moment where she didn’t give in to the expected behavior, she expected a blow, a cutting remark, some kind of pain. But there was nothing except her growing discomfort.

“You know,” Maribel said. “You’re so unique unlike the others. If you wanted, Mark, there could be more for you after your parents’ deal is done. You could stay on with me and have everything: trips, schooling, whatever you want.”

The couch shifted. Maribel leaned close. “And that’s why I’m here,” she whispered. Her voice tickled Max’s ear, making her squirm. “To know more about you, your hopes and dreams. Who you want to be as a person. What are your plans after graduation? What are your hobbies, your interests? Tell me about your friends. What do you like to do with them?”

“I…” Max’s mind blanked.

Why is she asking these things? What does she mean about staying on with her? What deal is she talking about?

“I’m supposed to go to Harvard or Columbia after graduation,” Max said stiffly. “And I haven’t made friends here yet.”

Liar!

“Both are excellent schools,” Maribel mused. “I know you’ll get along with my daughter. You both like photography. Would you like to meet her before school starts? You two will have a wonderful future together, and the sooner you meet, the better.”

What do I do? What do I do?!

Max took another drink of water and accidentally splashed some on herself. With a yelp, she leaped to her feet, dumping more water on her clothes.

“Sorry,” she said, frantically brushing her clothes. “Did I get any on you?”

Maribel shook her head. “I’m ok, Mark. Go dry yourself off, then come back.”

Max did what Maribel said. When she sat next to the woman, Maribel put a hand on Max’s thigh. “You’re a nervous one,” she said lightly. “It’s so much fun. Now tell me, what about your friends in Seattle? What did you do with them?”

Fingers traced patterns on Max’s inner thigh.

Max did her best to answer Maribel’s questions in ways that wouldn’t rouse suspicion. Maribel plied Max with question after question. Her fingers wandered all over Max, filling her with shame and panic. If not for her ability to go into that place on demand, the place where she was detached and floating free, Max knew she’d never be able to contain the dread which beat every part of her.

The conversation lasted long into the night. Max floated through space and time, no longer bound by their rules. When Maribel could no longer contain her yawns, she said, “Bed time for you, sweetie.”

“Yes, ma’am, “ Max said and stood up.

And Maribel? Where will she sleep?

“I might join you later for cuddles,” Maribel said, as if she read Max’s thoughts. Max nodded and shuffled upstairs, her mind empty except for the screaming.

Max lay in bed and stared at the wall, her mind consumed by living nightmares. To combat it, she thought about Chloe and the message she’d delivered.

How can Chloe be your friend when you don’t talk to her? When you ignore her hangout invites?

I… I can be the friend she needs without sharing anything. She just needs someone there, someone to talk to.

And you don’t?

No…

Max dug out her personal phone, flipped it open, and unlocked it. She re-read Chloe’s last messages.

Chloe needs a friend who’s present. You’re not!

I want to be present.

What’s stopping you?

Her thumb hovered over the compose button. A thought seized her, and she set it free.

Max> I’m so sorry Chloe that Rachel and Steph are leaving town. That sucks, and it leaves you all alone. I’m sorry I’m such a horrible friend and I hope you find a good friend soon or get out of Arcadia Bay like you want to.

She scanned the message a few times for typos and sent it before she could talk herself out of it. Part of her strongly hoped Chloe would reply and tell her off, cut ties, tell her just how horrible a person she was for dropping her. The feeling, nay belief, was so intense, she began to cry.

You’re right. She deserves a good friend, one who’s there for her.

Max closed the phone while wiping her tears. The truth hurt. She couldn’t be that friend, but Chloe deserved one.

I wish I was dead.

When she lay the phone on the bed, it vibrated.

Chloe> dude, please don’t talk about my Max like that. She’s cool and gots lots of shit going on.

She stared at the message a few seconds, unsure the words were real.

Max> … it’s the truth

Chloe> nah, it’s just your brain messing with ya

Chloe> it sucks when your parents don’t have your back. Been there. Fuck. There right now. Sometimes gotta make our own way when they block us.

They don’t have anything for me. Just their fucking plans.

Max> idk

Max> you ever feel like you don’t know how? Like life just happens no matter what, so you just exist and hope someone

Drat I can’t say that!

^d^d^d^d^d^d^d

Max> … hope it somehow gets better?

Chloe> fuck yeah. All the time.

Chloe> you’re not alone Max. You got me and others.

Max> why? You don’t even know me

Chloe> don’t gotta know someone to see they’re in pain

Chloe> when you’re ready, I’m here

Chloe> til then, watch out for those moosicians!

Max> Moosicians? What’s that?

Chloe> Cows playing instruments!

Max> you can’t be cereal

Chloe> fuck yeah! I knew you had it in ya!

Max> whatever you goof

It seemed that was the end of the conversation. Several seconds passed with no messages. She didn’t really want the conversation to end, but also knew Maribel could come into her room at any moment.

The phone vibrated.

Chloe> thanks for texting

Chloe> I needed that

Max> you’re welcome

She stared at the screen, not wanting to close the phone. There were so many things she wanted to say, words bursting to escape. She chewed her lip as she tried to figure out what to do.

She… thanked me? She… needed what… someone to notice?

Her skin tingled, and the hair on her arms stood up. She couldn’t remember anyone ever thanking her for contacting them. Especially not when she came to them with a pitiful apology.

She didn’t want the conversation to end. Thoughts continued to flood her mind, so quickly she couldn’t put them into words. They pushed for release, refusing to give her peace.

And Max was so tired of the never-ending stream of shallow people in her life. She was exhausted by the endless cycle of wanting to trust someone only to pull away, retreating into herself.

Max> I’m scared

She’s probably asleep. She should be asleep.

Yeah, not talking with a freak like you. She should talk with her girlfriends.

Chloe> What’s got you scared?

She stared at the question, biting her lip until she winced in pain.

Max> of doing something my parents won’t like

Chloe> oh shit

Chloe> now I gotta know

Max> I’m gonna go volunteer at the food bank tomorrow

Chloe> seriously?

Chloe> I thought you were like gonna ask for a blunt or something

Chloe> who gets mad about helping the hungry?

Max> my parents have opinions about handouts

Chloe> fuuuuck

Chloe> didn’t they get some kinda money from the city for working on Pan Estates

Max> yeah?

Chloe> fucking hypocrites so handouts are good for them but not others

Max> something like that

Chloe> what’ll they do when you tell ‘em?

Max> hopefully nothing more than a lecture

Chloe> and if they say you can’t?

Max> …

Max> I’ll do it anyway

Chloe> fuck yeah!

Chloe> I gotta friend there Kate Marsh

Chloe> She’s good people

Max> Have you talked to her about me?

Chloe> only to say you’re a hella cool person

Chloe> you got this Max

Max> You sure? Like you haven’t told her anything about me?

Chloe> Max chill like take a deep breath

Chloe> all she knows is I made a new friend named Max who’s new in town nothing more

Max> sorry

Chloe> about?

Max> I guess being so worried about what you told her about me

Chloe> I got your back

Max> ok

Chloe> hey you going to Rach and Steph’s going away party next weekend?

Chloe> the one Dana Ward’s doing?

Max> idk. It’s complicated

Chloe> no worries

Chloe> when you go tomorrow look for Kate. Can’t miss her like a walking cinnamon roll

Max> a what?

Chloe> cinnamon roll

Chloe> you know sweet charming wholesome like you can’t get enough and must protect at all costs

Chloe> you ever have a cinnamon roll?

Max> yes. They’re sticky and I don’t like touching them

Chloe> ah

Chloe> well maybe you’ll know what I mean after you meet her

Max> ok

Chloe> hey can I say something a bit idk weird?

Max> sure?

Chloe> I’m proud of you

Chloe> your parents got you in some fucked up life

Chloe> but you’re still doing what you want

Chloe> that’s some amazing shit

Max> Thanks

A thump sounded in the house, and Max almost dropped the phone.

Max> I have to go

Max> chat with you later

Max> goodnight

She snapped the phone shut and tucked it between the mattresses on the wall side. Then she listened. The thump didn’t repeat. The house was silent. Still, Max couldn’t bring herself to get the phone out.

Instead, she lay on her back, staring at the dark ceiling.

Chloe’s proud of me?

The words made her chest and throat tighten. An odd sensation fluttered across her skin. She couldn’t remember anyone saying those words to her.

Max wadded part of the blanket and clung to it. With a smile she felt in her soul, she closed her eyes while Chloe’s words looped in her mind.

For the first time she could remember, Max fell asleep with pleasant thoughts.

Notes:

Song lyrics from Unloveable by The Smiths https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM_Mp_Kjvxw

Chapter 7

“Do you remember, when you were young, and you wanted to set the world on fire?”

Max struck the wrong chord and grimaced. The notes faded from the room, and she closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths to counter the tension forming between her shoulders. She opened her eyes and started the song again.

The gentle thrum of the guitar filled the room. Max let the music carry her to a different place. Normally, after nights like last night, she’d pick a familiar song, one she could play without paying much attention. This morning, she had an urge to play a different one.

I wonder what Chloe will think?

The pick faltered, but Max kept playing. She wasn’t sure why she had decided to learn one of Chloe’s songs. Maybe it was the look Chloe got when Max said she liked the song.

[Chloe sat on the rocky ledge, one foot dangling over the precipice. The wind played with her hair. What would it feel like to touch her hair?]

Max lay her hand flat against the guitar strings. The tension slid in her chest.

Why am I thinking about Chloe? Why do I LIKE thinking about her? Why do I want to see her? To be with her?

The negative voice was uncharacteristically silent. She sighed and began playing again.

The notes filled the room, and her voice joined them. She pictured Chloe outdoors, back against a tree, the wind playing with her bangs. Max sat on a nearby rock, guitar on thigh, playing the song. Chloe practically sparkled as she watched Max.

The sparkles filled Max, and a smile spread across her face as she sang. Chloe’s smile was only for her, and she wanted more of it. Chloe moved closer to her and suddenly they were side-by-side. Tucked between body and arm, Max snuggled into the comforting heat, playing her guitar for Chloe and-

A faint buzzing disrupted the scene. Max blinked and faltered the next chord. The buzzing sounded again, vibrating her leg. She set the guitar down and dug out her personal phone to find a text from Chloe.

Chloe> girl your note fucking hit me right in the feels

Chloe> like how do ya even know how to say those things?

Chloe> fuck I’m tearing up just thinking about it

Flutters formed in Max’s chest and a lot of the earlier tension bled away. She re-read Chloe’s words with a huge smile. Tumbling backwards on the bed, she typed out a reply.

Max> Glad you liked it

Max> I’m just being honest

Max> you deserve better than what you got

Chloe> You believe that?

Max> Yeah, I do

Chloe> and for you? Do ya believe that about yourself?

Max’s hand trembled when she read Chloe’s words and she had to shut the phone. It fell to the mattress as she smashed her hands against her face.

I don’t! I don’t deserve good things! How can I get Chloe to understand that? Why do I even care what she thinks?

With gritted teeth, she pushed down the confusing thoughts and emotions. She retrieved her phone, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

Chloe> cuz I think you need those words as much as I do

Chloe> Maybe more

Max> maybe. idk. I just kept thinking about the other day. Words don’t seem enough but are all I have to give you

Chloe> and they’re fucking great! Thanks.

Chloe> don’t give up yourself

Max> sure. I guess. I gotta go

Chloe> k. Talk soon?

Max> sure

The phone closed with a click. The words hurt to read. How could she deserve good things? What even did that mean? There were people worse off, like Chloe, who needed the good things, not her. Never her.

She put the guitar away, hid the phone, then went downstairs. The thoughts plagued her through breakfast. It was only near the end, as she was washing the dishes, that she remembered what her plan was for the day. She finished the dishes, wiped down the table and counters, then looked for her mother.

Vanessa was in the sunroom, seated in a comfy chair. Plants rested on shelves, or hung from the ceiling, soaking up the morning light. Vanessa loved plants, but Max did most of the care for them. An empty coffee cup rested on the table at Vanessa’s elbow.

I wonder who she played with last night.

Max shuddered and banished the thought. She checked the pots as she approached and noticed a few needed water. “Would you like a fresh cup of coffee?” she asked her mom timidly.

“About time you noticed,” her mom said without looking up.

Max grabbed the cup.

“Maribel said she had a lovely time, that you were the perfect gentleman,” Vanessa said.

Max froze.

“You two were so cute this morning,” said Vanessa.

She struggled to draw a breath.

“It was a shame she had to leave early,” Vanessa said.

The world shook.

“But we’re working on another visit,” said Vanessa. “One where you two get more quality time.”

Wrongness exploded in Max’s body.

“Get a grip on yourself,” Vanessa said sternly, looking up at Max. “Before you break my coffee cup!”

Max gulped and nodded. She walked haphazardly to the kitchen through a storm of condemning thoughts and feelings. With practiced motions, she placed the cup under the dispenser and put a pod in place. While the cup filled with hot liquid, she bent over the sink and focused on breathing.

[Fingers slid through Max’s hair, gently pulling her head against Maribel’s neck. “Mmm, you smell so good,” Maribel whispered.]

Max trembled. Her skin burned. The scents of various perfumes filled her nose. She tried to push the memories away.

Liquid dribbled down her chin, tickling her. Her fingertips came away coated in red. She stared at her fingers.

Why are they red?

The coffee maker chugged and rattled, signaling the end of the brew cycle. Her eyes flicked to it.

Because you bit yourself, stupid!

Pain shot through her face and she gasped. Hurriedly, she turned on the facet and washed her fingers and mouth. When she touched her lip, it was swollen with a ragged tear on the side. The slightest touch made her wince.

While the water was on, she also filled up the watering can and spritzer. Only then did she grab a tissue to dry her mouth. It came away stained red.

Drat.

With one hand holding the tissue to her face and the other holding the coffee cup, she carefully walked to the sunroom. Vanessa was in the same place reading. Max soundlessly placed the cup on the saucer and turned to return to the kitchen.

“The diner seems to be doing well,” Vanessa said as she lifted the cup. “Maybe we’ll keep it.”

Max rushed to the kitchen, tossed the tissue, grabbed the watering utensils, and returned to the sunroom. Vanessa set down the cup.

“Would you like to see a picture?” Vanessa said.

The question almost made Max drop the spritzer. “Picture?” she said. “Of what?” She made the mistake of looking at her mom.

Vanessa looked at her over the edge of her laptop. A dangerous smile lurked at the corners of her eyes. Instead of clarifying, she turned the laptop so its screen faced Max.

That’s not me.

It certainly looks like you.

It’s not ME!

Denial only gets you so far. You’re disgusting.

“Now, be a good boy and water the plants,” Vanessa said and turned the laptop around. When Max didn’t move, she made a shooing motion with her hand.

Max stumbled away, not quite believing what Vanessa had shown her.

Why…

To show you your truth.

No, that’s not me.

And you looked like you enjoyed it!

No! It’s not me! It’s not who I am! Not who I want to be…

Max spritzed and watered the plants while the debate raged in her head. She couldn’t feel anything. She was empty, a person without heart or soul.

Remember what you wanted to do?

She did. Lowering the watering can, she took a deep breath. “Th-there’s something I want to do today,” she said. She made a point of speaking loud enough for Vanessa to not complain about mumbling.

“Besides work and chores?” Vanessa asked suspiciously.

Max took another breath to calm her nerves. “Yes, besides those. I… I want to go volunteer at the food bank.”

“I see.” The ice in her mom’s voice slid into Max’s spine and she shivered. “You know what I think of people who need such services.”

Max turned to face Vanessa. “Yes, mom but-“

Vanessa spoke over her. “They should be out getting jobs instead of relying upon handouts!”

There it was. Vanessa started into her tirade about self-reliance, government handouts, and all the other talking points Max had heard many, many times over the years. She let the words flow over her, like water parting before a sturdy boulder. Max disagreed with her mom and, like so many other things, had learned not to voice it.

The verbal avalanche finally dwindled into a steady glare. Max waited a few seconds before saying, “Ok.”

“Ok?” Vanessa furrowed her brow and studied Max.

Max shrugged. “We don’t agree and I’m going to volunteer anyway.”

Vanessa’s face twisted into a snarl, and she opened her mouth. Max prepared for another verbal onslaught when, unexpectedly, Vanessa smiled. It made Max shiver.

“Well,” Vanessa said in a lilting tone. “Volunteer at the local food bank.”

Max looked at her mom. Tension built in her chest. Vanessa stood up and looked at her.

“Perhaps I wasn’t seeing the opportunity you’re giving us,” Vanessa said. “By working with the food bank, you’re becoming part of the community and showing how much we care about it. Just think about the message we could send!”

Max’s heart was a stone hurling through earth’s atmosphere.

Vanessa raised her hand and moved it in an arc, like she was revealing something. “New, up-and-coming family, the Caulfield’s, give back to their adoptive community through generous support of the Arcadia Bay food bank! Oh sweetie, why didn’t you tell me that’s what you were doing!”

Before Max could do or say anything, Vanessa grabbed her cheeks between her hands. A wet kiss landed on her forehead.

I think I’m gonna throw up.

“No, mom,” she protested as she struggled out of Vanessa’s grip. She barely avoided wiping off the kiss. “I want to help people, not give you a sales pitch!”

She never saw the slap coming.

“Don’t you fucking talk back to me!” Vanessa said.

Max looked up at Vanessa, barely holding onto the watering utensils. Her cheek stung and tears filled her eyes.

“You lack vision,” Vanessa said, her predator’s grin in place. “But that’s why you have me. And dad. We can make the most of these opportunities. Now, hurry up and finish tending to the plants so I can take you to the food bank. I’ll check out the donation process while you apply.”

Max straightened up and held the can and bottle between them. “No! Please, will you just let me do this myself? You say you want me to grow up and do things on my own. How can I do that when you’re always doing stuff for me?”

“Hmph.” Vanessa put her hands on her hips and tilted her head. For several agonizing seconds, she studied Max. Finally, she said, “Ok, you can go do this on your own. I expect you to come home after you sign-up. If anything changes, you call me right away.”

“Yes, mom.” Max tried to keep the excitement from her voice. She may have bounced a little on her toes.

“What game are you playing?” Vanessa muttered. Max remained silent.

Vanessa continued studying her. Sweat trickled down Max’s back. She shuffled from side to side, ignoring the pain in her lip and cheek.

You’re fucked.

With a sigh, Vanessa returned to her seat. She picked up her laptop and sipped her coffee. Max waited a few extra seconds before returning to the plants. She swore Vanessa’s eyes burned a path down her back as she emptied the ewer on the last plant. Vanessa said nothing when Max exited the sunroom.

On silent feet, she ran upstairs. A smile lit her face as she let out the energy which had built the moment mom had agreed to her plan. It didn’t take long to get cleaned up and out the door. She grabbed her backpack and slung it over her shoulder.

“Remember to call,” Vanessa shouted as she ran out the door.

“‘K! See ya later!” She made no attempt to hide the joy in her words.

Then the garage door was opened, and she was on her bike, headed down the street.

The morning sun was just above the mountains with plenty of day left. The breeze played with her hair, but there was a noticeable missing piece. She stopped briefly to care for Socks, then was again riding through the vacant streets.

Before she realized it, she’d parked her bike at the construction site with her outfits. Over the past weeks, she had moved the bag a few times, always fearful of it being discovered.

She stared at the hiding spot. The clothes called to her.

Do I… go as myself or…

Max lifted a skirt from the bag, shivering as she held it. Part of her really wanted to just drop the whole thing and go to the pantry like she was.

I… can’t… how do I make this stop?

She buried her face in the skirt as sadness and fear and guilt and loss and more welled up to choke her. If she went as herself, she’d still have to put it all away after a few hours.

I’m just hurting myself by doing this. But I… I can’t…

The skirt was simple, black, and short. It would take too long to be fully herself and then to undo it. Plus, she’d been here long enough for her mom to notice.

Numbly, she stood with the bag close to her chest and walked over to her bike. A few minutes’ ride had her at one of the port-a-potties. She had to do something, otherwise she’d collapse into herself.

When she exited a few minutes later, little had changed. She was different, though. A deep breath stretched the band on the bra. The padding chafed and made the band seem tighter, but it was a reminder of who she was. Or at least, who she thought she was. With her hoodie on, no one would see the change in profile. The important part was its presence. That, and the lipstick. Even if she was the only one who noticed.

She resisted the urge to touch the fake breasts through her clothes, hopped on her bike, and found a new hiding place for the bag. Then she was riding through Pan Estates, passing tree covered lots with poured foundations and wooden skeletons, to exit onto the highway.

On this day of standing up to her mom, the world was perfectly aligned.

The bike raced down the highway, breeze washing over her, sun streaming down. She was giddy and felt like she could ride all the way to Portland if she wanted. Instead, she stood up, balancing on the pedals, and shouted.

No words, no meaning, just a long sound from the depths of her soul.

Birds took flight, their startled cries filling the air.

Max laughed, pedaled faster, and shouted again.

She rode through town, reaching the food pantry in what she thought was record time. There was a handy bike rack outside with open slots. Once she secured her bike, she took off her helmet, stuffed it into her backpack, then flipped up her hood, and went into the building.

Vivid colors covered the walls, ceiling, and floor, though the dim lighting muted the effect. A man sat at a counter, staring at a computer screen. With a spring in her step, she went to the counter and said in her most confident feminine voice, “H-Hi! Are you… hiring?”

The man glanced at her. He was possibly in his twenties, maybe older, with close cropped hair, and an exhausted look in his eyes. “No, we’re not hiring,” he said with a voice that rumbled from the depths of the earth.

Max raised her eyebrows. “O-Oh. Um, well oh, I mean, where do I volunteer?”

He rotated in his seat to focus on her and sighed. “Volunteers don’t get paid.”

“N-no,” Max said as her confidence faded. “That’s not what… I just want to volunteer.”

“And do what?” He asked tiredly.

“H-help?” Max fumbled the word as the last of her confidence disappeared.

The man sighed, looked her up and down, and asked, “Why?”

Max glanced left and right before saying, “B-because helping people… is the right thing to do?”

What’s with all his questions? I thought they wanted volunteers.

With a heavy sigh, he pulled out a clipboard with forms. It slapped against the counter and Max jumped back, barely resisting the urge to cover her ears. Nodding towards a metal cup with pens, he said, “Fill these out-“

Eagerly, she grabbed the clipboard and a pen.

“-and we’ll get back to you in three to four weeks.”

Her heart sank. The pen dropped to the floor.

“Th-three to f-four weeks?” Her hopes and dreams crashed into reality again. “C-can’t I start today?”

“Listen,” he said tiredly, “We-“

“Patrick,” came a sweet voice from behind Max.

Immediately, Max moved in the opposite direction and turned to face the new person. She held the clipboard in front of her like a shield.

A girl about her height leaned against an orange wall. A hair net secured thick blond hair. She wore a purple “Arcadian Bay Food Bank” t-shirt with gray jeans and sneakers. A small gold cross hung on a necklace.

Max flicked her eyes between the two people. The girl furrowed her brow slightly, then continued, “I can use the help.”

“You sure, Kate?” Patrick asked with a raised brow.

Is that Chloe’s friend?

Kate straightened up and stepped towards Max. “Positive,” she said. “I’m getting good feelings here.”

“Whatever. I don’t get paid to deal with that sh- stuff,” he said before looking at Max. “You still need to fill out the forms before you can go back with her.”

Kate stepped forward and held out a hand. “Hi, I’m Kate Marsh,” she said in the sweetest voice Max had ever heard. Kate smiled and the tiniest dimples formed in her cheeks. It was like they held a happiness that leaped from her smile into Max to chase away her jitters.

“Pay no mind to Patrick,” Kate said. “We’ve had some interesting… characters the last few weeks, and it’s stretched his patience.”

Max stared at the hand before slowly extending hers. Except it was the hand holding the clipboard. She tried to switch hands and almost dropped the clipboard. Kate waited patiently.

“M-m-max,” she said as she cautiously shook Kate’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Max,” Kate said. She eyed Max up and down a few times before saying, “You look about the same size as me. Fill out the forms and give them to Patrick. Then come find me.”

“O-ok,” Max said.

Kate gave her an even bigger smile, then disappeared down the hall. For a while, Max stared at the space Kate had just occupied. The past few seconds had rattled her, and she was trying to right herself again.

Slowly, she sank onto a hard plastic chair and picked up the pen. It took ten or fifteen minutes to fill out the forms. The name and gender fields gave her pause. The pen hovered over the name line, torn between who she was and who she wasn’t and wondering which was real. Finally, she wrote “Maxine Caulfield.”

Her entire body tingled. She crossed out Maxine and wrote Max above it. After a last moment of anxiety-filled hesitation, she marked the F checkbox for gender.

The hair on her neck and arms stood up. She shivered and for a moment that stretched longer than seemed possible, she was floating high, head spinning with a zippy energy that wanted to burst into the room and bounce from wall to wall.

The moment passed. A nervous confidence infused her. She stood and smoothly walked to the counter. “Here are the forms,” she said with a determination she didn’t feel.

Patrick grunted, then picked up the clipboard. He flipped through the forms. At any moment, she expected him to call her out: you aren’t a girl! What are you trying to pull?!

Instead, he grunted and said, “What’s your social security number, Ms. Caulfield?”

Light shone inside Max and, for a moment, all sounds became distant.

Ms. Caulfield! He called me Ms. Caulfield!

And he wants your SSN, you idiot. You don’t have that!

The light went out, and the world crashed in with a roar. Max staggered and caught herself with the counter. “I, uh, don’t know my social security number,” she said sadly.

Patrick grunted. “Well, we can likely get what we need from your ID. I need a copy of your driver’s license or other government ID.”

“D-driver’s license?” The rest of Max’s excitement crashed into the floor.

“Just procedure,” Patrick said and held out a hand.

I should just leave. Run.

Oh, and that’s not suspicious?

With a growing knot in her stomach, Max fetched her wallet. The license would betray her lie. Hope was unraveling to expose the harsh reality underneath. She stared at the plastic card with its wrongness. Heat seared her face.

Patrick’s hand seemed too large, with bulbous fingers and a palm bigger than her head, as she placed the card on it. He glanced at it once, at her, back to the card, then nodded. “Give me a minute,” he said and placed the card into a machine.

Sooner than Max expected, the card was back in her wallet. Patrick said nothing about her lie. He tapped a few keys, then said, “you can head down that hall. There’s a staff room on the left where you’ll find Kate. Welcome to the team. Oh, and sorry about earlier.”

“No worries,” Max said, then hurried down the hall.

She quickly found the door and ducked inside. The staff room was spacious, with lockable cubbies stacked four high along two walls. Two tables with folding chairs were in the center. Posters about workers’ rights, company policies, and a bulletin board covered with papers were against the far wall. Kate sat on a chair with a bundle on the table in front of her.

The moment she spied Max, Kate leaped from the chair with a big smile. “Welcome to ABFB, sometimes called the Pantry,” she said. “Here’s a t-shirt and a hairnet. You’ll need to wear both while working.”

Slowly accepting the bundle, Max looked down. “I… can’t wear what I have?”

“Sorry,” Kate sighed, “baggy clothes aren’t allowed. They can easily get caught on something and cause problems. If you get cold, we have some spare hoodies that aren’t as baggy which might fit.”

“Ok.” Max’s thumb rubbed the t-shirt.

Kate pointed to a door. “There’s a restroom over there where you can change.”

Max looked, then walked in the direction Kate pointed. The bathroom was enormous, with a few hooks along one wall. She hung her pack on one hook. When she grabbed the hem of her hoodie, she paused. It was one thing to be around Chloe and the others without the garment, at least a day or two after knowing them. It felt somehow disarming or vulnerable to be without it. She took a few breaths to focus, then quickly stripped off the hoodie and underlying shirt.

The Pantry shirt was a snug fit without being uncomfortable. When she checked herself in the mirror, a shiver ran up her spine and she couldn’t resist smiling. “You’re cute,” she whispered as she turned side to side to check out the profile.

So’s Kate.

Huh?

The hairnet was practically useless since her hair was so short. She had chosen not to wear the wig and now questioned that choice. Nevertheless, she put the hair net on, then stuffed her clothes into the backpack, and left the restroom.

“Oh, good! It fits,” Kate declared upon seeing her. “Very cute.”

Butterflies filled Max’s body at the compliment.

Kate quickly scanned the room, then stepped closer, and whispered, “My pronouns are she, her.”

What? Pronouns. Why is she telling me that?

Speaking at a normal volume, Kate said, “The Pantry likes incluvisity insl- er inclusivity. Blah… sorry, I get all tongue-twisted with that word. Put your bag in one of the empty lockers, then I’ll give you a quick tour!”

Something about Kate’s simple joy made Max smile. After finding an empty locker and stuffing her pack in it, she pocketed the key and followed Kate.

The tour left Max’s head spinning. There were far more rooms than she expected in the facility, and Kate explained the function of each area. She also went over how to handle emergencies, breaks, and many other things.

Several minutes into the tour, they passed through a long, large room where several people were putting together food boxes. A bunch of wooden pallets sat at the far end, stacked and shrink-wrapped, with boxes ready to go.

Oh! I need to tell mom I won’t be home. Shit.

“Uh,” Max said, “can you hang on a moment? I forgot to tell my mom something.”

“Sure,” Kate said, then moved several feet away.

Max sent a quick text, then silenced the phone and tucked it away. Mom wouldn’t be happy, but at the moment, she didn’t care.

She’ll make you care later.

“What do you do here?” Max asked nervously upon rejoining Kate.

“Oh, a little bit of everything,” Kate said, “though mostly delivery to people who can’t make it to the pantry. We’ve been a bit shorthanded, and I’m hoping you’ll help me make some boxes for the drop offs. And maybe help me make the deliveries.”

Kate led Max to a smaller room, though it was still rather large. A few shrink-wrapped pallets of supplies were stacked two high next to a table.

“Here,” Kate said and pointed to a cardboard box filled with boxes, bags, and cans. “We need to make a few dozen like this. There are gloves over there, along with a utility knife.”

A few minutes later, Max watched Kate as she assembled a box.

“It’s faster when we’re fully staffed,” Kate explained, putting two boxes of pasta in the box. “But we’ve had some problems the last few weeks getting people to help.”

Kate sighed heavily as she put the assembled box on a partially filled pallet. “There are so many people in and around town with food scarcity,” she said sadly. “And we’re not able to get them what they need. With barely any volunteers, we can only help those most at risk.”

“What happened?” Max asked with a frown.

The gloves irritated her. The fingers were too long, and the seams chafed between the fingers. Nonetheless, she imitated Kate in assembling a box.

Kate shrugged. “Summer, I guess. People go on vacation and other things, so the number of volunteers is lower than the rest of the year. Patrick says it’s even worse this year and we don’t know why.”

“Well, I’m sure whatever you’re able to do is helping people,” Max said with a confidence she hoped sounded genuine.

“I know,” Kate mused. “I just wish we could do more.”

The work was simple, yet hard. After about 30 minutes, Max’s shoulders and arms hurt. She didn’t complain though as she tried to keep up with Kate.

Classical music played from a tiny speaker Kate connected to her phone. She maintained her cheer despite the tiresome work and provided pointers here and there on Max’s technique.

“You’re doing great,” she said during one of their breaks. “Is it what you expected?”

Rubbing the palm of her left hand tenderly, Max shrugged. “I didn’t really have expectations.”

Kate nodded, as if Max had said something profound. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

Max shrugged and said, “Sure.”

With a thoughtful look, Kate said, “Why’d you volunteer?”

Max paused, flicking her eyes to Kate, then back to her hands. “It was kind of an impulse,” she said, keeping her gaze focused on her hands. “Last night, I saw part of a help wanted poster on a light pole so I thought ‘why not?’ And now I’m here.”

“You were rather insistent with Patrick,” Kate said slowly. “I thought there might be more than a snap decision.”

Ducking her head further, Max said, “well… it also makes my mom mad but…”

“What?! Volunteering here makes your mom mad?!” Kate looked at her incredulously.

“Yeah,” Max said and tried not to squirm.

Why is my face burning?

“Why?” Kate stretched out the word with a raised brow and tilted head. Unconsciously, Max bunched her shoulders and leaned slightly forward.

“Well… uh… she’s got opinions on people getting help instead of… supporting themselves.” Max tried not to mumble, but wasn’t sure if she succeeded. Talking about Vanessa filled her with anxiety and more.

Kate nodded. “Ok. I can probably guess her stance on other things. But you’re here, so I’m guessing… you don’t share her views.”

Max relaxed and straightened up. “No.”

Which… is that weird? Because she and dad never want to help me?

Max continued, “I think we… people should help each other. Not everyone gets the same opportunities or luck.”

The smile Kate gave her warmed Max, and she smiled in return.

Why am I all sparkly inside?

Still smiling, Kate said, “What was more important to you: making your mom mad or helping people?”

Without pausing, Max said, “Helping people. My parents only help if they get something out of it. It’s why…” She looked down, suddenly conscious of the words she wanted to say.

Why do I just want to tell Kate everything? I just met her.

“It’s not how I want to be,” Max said, refocusing her thoughts on something less personal. “Why does everything have to be about personal gain and getting advantage over others? We don’t bring any of that with us when we die. I know… I have circumstances many people don’t and I’d rather use those to bring others up instead of pushing them down.”

Kate studied her for a few seconds, tiny dimples capturing Max’s attention. “Huh. You’re a good one, Max. I’m glad to have you here.”

Max smiled, and she felt it deep in her soul. She also wanted to cry and didn’t know why.

“What about you?” Max said huskily. “Why are you here? Volunteering?”

Kate’s smile brightened, and Max forgot the question she had asked. There was only the smile.

Even when Kate looked up at the ceiling, hiding the smile, Max couldn’t stop smiling. A sparkly buoyancy filled her, and she wanted to laugh and sing and skip about. It was very confusing in such a good way.

“I’m here,” Kate slowly said. “Because ever since I was little, I wanted to help people. Even before I learned it at Church, I knew I wanted to help others. But not like what I learned at Church. I wanted to listen to those in need and let them tell me how best to help. And… that’s what led me here. This-“

She gestured with both hands at the pallets of food.

“-helps them. Well, we best get back to work.”

Their smiles faded as they returned to assembling food boxes, but Max continued to vibrate with Kate’s compliments. Her heart positively glowed with the memory of her smile.

What’ll Kate say when you fuck things up?

I’m not gonna do that.

You always do that.

Time passed swiftly in the space of radiant flutters until Max placed the last box on the pallet. She stepped back while Kate shrink-wrapped the stack. The inner glow faded when Max realized her part was done.

“Ok,” Kate said, “now we load them into the van.” She wiped her forehead with the back of her arm. “Here, let me show you how to use a pallet jack.”

The instructions were quick and clear, and Max soon was pulling one of the loaded pallets down the hall. Kate led with another loaded pallet.

“Are you out of High School?” Kate asked over the thump, thump, thump of the small wheels.

“I’ve got one more year,” Max said.

“Oh,” Kate said excitedly. “So do I! I’m finishing at Blackwell Academy this year. They brought in an amazing photography teacher and I’m so excited! Which school are you going to?”

Photography? I like photography!

“Umm, Blackwell,” Max said.

Hah hah! You fucked this up ‘Max’.

They stopped at a large door. Kate stepped to a large button next to it and raised her hand. “You might want to cover your ears,” she said with a glance at Max. “This is loud.”

Max nodded and covered her ears. Kate slapped the button. The door raised with a clatter Max felt in her bones. Her hands did very little to dampen the noise.

Her eyes wandered over to Kate, who stood patiently with hands loosely entwined at her waist. There was something about her that Max couldn’t explain, like an infectious wholesomeness nothing could subvert.

The door rose, revealing the back of a van. Kate waited until the large door stopped moving before unlocking the van and swinging its doors open. Max lowered her hands as Kate grabbed the pallet jack handle.

“Can you help me with the deliveries?” Kate asked as she spun the jack around to push the pallet into the van.

Max glanced at her watch. “How long will it take?”

“Probably no more than three hours?”

Max did a quick calculation and said, “As long as I’m back by 4 so I can get ready for my other job, sure.”

Kate lowered the pallet, then backed out of the van. “Oh? Where do you work?”

She wiped her brow again, and Max felt things.

“A, uh, restaurant,” Max said and looked away.

The way she felt around Kate was confusing. What were all these strange sensations inside her like a live wire shooting sparks into her chest? She’d felt the same with Chloe, but familiarity didn’t tell her what the feelings meant. Especially since with Chloe, it had taken several days before the sparkles appeared.

Kate parked her pallet jack against a wall and waved Max toward the van. “Which restaurant?”

Max lined up the jack with the little ramp between the dock and van and pushed. “The Rue Altimor,” she mumbled as the wheels clanked over the ramp.

“Wow,” Kate gushed. “I bet you get great tips!”

The jack lowered, and the pallet settled into place. Max looked at the cramped interior before saying, “I guess? I’m just an assistant server.“

Kate shut the van doors and said, “Is it really busy?”

The pallet jack fit nicely next to the one Kate parked. “Mostly on Friday and Saturday nights,” she said.

Kate walked toward the overhead door button. “Might want to cover your ears again.”

Max stopped, pressed her hands against her ears, and closed her eyes. The rumble of the door came up through her feet and she forced herself to stand in place. A need to flee, as if something bad was about to happen, filled her and she gritted her teeth.

A touch on her elbow made Max open her eyes. The door was closed. Kate stood in front of her, a worried look on her face.

Max dropped her arms and tried to look relaxed. “Hey uh, ready to go?”

“Are you ok? Do you need anything?” Kate asked worriedly.

Max shook her head and tried not to bite her lip again or wave her arms around. “Just want to go,” she whispered.

After a second, Kate nodded and walked toward the regular door. The day was bright and cheery, matching the vibe Kate projected. Max followed her out the door and opened the passenger door while Kate went around the front.

I’m headed out alone with a girl I just met.

A brief flurry of conflicting emotions filled Max, and she hesitated. Kate smiled at her when she opened the driver’s side door.

“Did you forget something?” Kate asked as she climbed into the van.

Max shook her head. “No, just… today is turning out different than I expected.” She got in the van and closed the door.

“A good different?” Kate asked.

Confusing. Wonderful. Anxious. Scary. So many…

“Yeah,” Max said and fastened her seatbelt.

The van started with a rumble, and Kate eased it away from the building. The lot was filled with bumps and potholes, and Kate did her best to navigate around them. Max got out her parent’s phone.

There were a few messages from her mom, and she tried not to groan as she read them. Mostly, they were Vanessa angrily spouting her views of what Max was doing. She typed out a quick reply, informing her she’d be gone for several more hours. Vanessa immediately replied with a list of chores, demands on her time, and insults.

“You ok?” Kate asked as she drove the van carefully onto the street.

“Just my mom,” Max said with a sigh.

“My mom can be a pain, too,” Kate said. “She wants me to put church literature in the food boxes. To her, the Church’s message is more important than food.”

“Huh,” Max said and glanced at the other girl. Kate noticed the look and gave her a quick smile.

“I hope it gets better,” Kate said and pulled the van into a driveway.

It’ll just get worse.

“And what do you think?” Max said.

Kate smiled and stayed silent for a while. “I think there’s value in the message but what good is hope if you can’t even eat?” Kate glanced at Max. “Is it ok if I speak a little about religion?”

See! That’s a reason you should eat, to have hope.

Max thought about Kate’s question, but really couldn’t form an answer. Her parents had taken her to church a few times when she was tiny, but that was years ago. They hadn’t gone in many years. “Sure,” she said with a shrug.

“Ok,” Kate said, “I asked because I don’t want to cross any boundaries and definitely don’t want to be pushy about my beliefs, especially when I get excited. Anyway, the Bible has many stories about Jesus feeding people. Often, he fed them before he taught them or performed any miracles like healing them.

“To me, that means our necessities are more important. We have to take care of them before we tend to the soul. Jesus didn’t make people feed themselves when they couldn’t; he provided the food. I try to follow that: help people meet their basic needs before trying to preach to them. Since the food pantry isn’t owned or managed by the Church, I don’t think it’s right to put their message into the boxes. Plus, the majority of people we help are already religious. Why disrespect their beliefs by pushing mine while helping them?”

“Huh,” Max said, “that makes sense.”

They drove in silence for a few minutes, with Kate navigating through the residential streets with ease. “Can… I ask you something?” Kate said with some hesitation.

Max looked at Kate with eyebrows raised. “Yes, I guess,” she said.

Kate glanced at her with a quick smile. “Today is the first time we met, at least that I remember, but you keep looking at me like you know me. Why’s that?”

Max squirmed and slid her hands between her knees. “I’ve been trying to figure out something,” she said.

“Oh? What’s that?” Kate asked. They came to a four-way stop and, since they were the only vehicle present, Kate put the van into park and looked at Max. The attention made Max squirm even more and slide down a little in her seat.

“H-how you’re like a cinnamon roll,” she said nervously.

Kate laughed, a mirthful sound which filled the van, and said, “Let me guess: you know Chloe Price?”

Max nodded, and Kate laughed again. “That girl,” Kate said light-heartedly. “She can be so silly.”

When Max looked at Kate, she was surprised to see the other girl’s cheeks were pink. Kate looked at her with bright eyes, which made her heart flutter.

“You must be the Max she’s mentioned,” Kate said. Max nodded. “Well, she didn’t tell me just how sweet you are.”

Heat flooded Max’s face. “Thanks,” she said, or at least thought she did. Under Kate’s warm gaze, it was hard to even think.

“I’m glad to meet you,” Kate said, and the van drove through the intersection. “It’s not often someone moves into Arcadia Bay. Usually, it’s people moving away. Plus, she didn't say much about you, so you get to fill in all the details she left out.”

"Details?" Max said in confusion.

"Well," Kate said. "Like the fact you want to help people, you're a great listener, lots of fun, and empathetic."

Before Max could figure out whether she needed to say something, the van pulled into a driveway. When Max looked out the window, she saw a little old lady puttering around her porch tending to plants. She glanced a few times in their direction as they exited the van.

“Well hello, Kate,” she said, “What a surprise seeing you this early.”

Kate shrugged and cast a nervous smile in Max’s direction. “I wanted to see how you and your plants are doing, Nadia,” she said.

Nadia stopped spritzing a plant and looked at Kate with narrowed eyes. “Right,” she said, “because my plants are the talk of the town.” Her gaze shifted to Max, who detected a bit of sparkle in her eyes.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with this young woman, would it? Who is she?” Nadia smiled disarmingly.

Kate shifted from leg to leg. “This is Max,” she said. The slightest quaver marred her voice.

Max waved. “Hi Ms-”

“None of that, Max,” Nadia interrupted. “It’s just Nadia, not miss this or ms that. You’re Katie’s new helper then?”

Max nodded.

“Or maybe more,” Nadia mused as she studied Kate.

“She’s helping me with deliveries today,” Kate hurriedly said, nearly stumbling over the words. “And maybe the rest of the summer.”

Kate held out two food boxes to Max and nodded in Nadia’s direction. The boxes wobbled and almost fell when she took them from Kate. With gigantic eyes, Max carefully tried to secure them. She gave Nadia a nervous smile, while the older woman looked her up and down.

“Needs more watering, that one,” Nadia said, pointing the spritz bottle at Max. “And feeding. What they feeding you, girl?”

“Would you like her to take the food inside?” Kate asked before Max could reply.

Nadia shifted her gaze to Kate. “Hmph,” she said with a sniff. “She’s a fine catch. A little bony, if you ask me.”

Catch? What does she mean?

Kate shot a glance at Max. Pink tinged her cheeks and she bit her lip before mouthing Sorry. At least she thought that’s what Kate said.

Nadia spritzed water in Kate’s direction. “Cool down, girl, she ain’t going nowhere.” Nadia shuffled toward the door. “Let me show you where to put it.” She giggled.

The door opened with a creak, and Max walked into a veritable furnace. Her face stung as the heat instantly dried it out. She followed Nadia’s shuffling gait down a hall. The woman kept up a steady stream of commentary on her plants, the fat little dog who wagged its tail at Max, the state of her house, and whatever else came to mind.

“Just put it here, dear,” Nadia said. She shoved aside a pile of magazines and newspapers on the kitchen table to make room.

Max carefully set the boxes on the table and slid them close to the pile.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” Nadia said, peering up at her. Max shook her head, and Nadia cackled. “You be nice to Katie, now. She’s a good girl and been doing these deliveries all by herself. We need more people like her.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Max whispered, uncertain of her voice around Nadia.

“Max Max Max,” Nadia mused as she moved things around on the table. “Last woman I knew named Max ran a fishing boat out of Bay City south of here. She moved to Seattle 20 years ago. Used to take me out on the boat in the summer. This old dyke don’t get out much anymore. Just me, Bard my dog, and my plants.”

Max’s mind wandered while the woman rambled. The kitchen was painted a dull white. Frilly faded yellow curtains framed a little window above the sink. Glass containers with flour, sugar, salt, and more lined the back edge of the counters. Each container was clearly labeled.

“Do you like plants, Max?” Nadia asked.

The sound of her name made Max jump. “W-what was that?” she stammered.

Nadia cackled. “A daydreamer! Filling your head with thoughts of girls? Or boys? Both? Or only our little Katie?” Nadia laughed and continued on without letting Max answer. “Kids these days. You’re so lucky you can love who you want to love. Not like it was when I was your age. Always had to use signs and codes to stay safe.”

She laughed again and shuffled toward the door. Max hurried after her, trying to ignore the way her stomach flip-flopped at Nadia’s comments.

“Nadia was… interesting,” Max said when she and Kate were finally in the van and driving toward the next stop.

Kate laughed, a nervous sound more forced than natural. “She is.”

Why does her voice sound strange?

They did several more stops. Nadia’s words consumed Max’s attention when she wasn’t focused on Kate and the work. She wasn’t sure what the woman meant.

“How long have you lived here?” Kate asked, jarring Max from her thoughts.

“Um, since June,” said Max. “We moved here once I was done with school for the year.”

Kate glanced at her, and Max’s heart leaped. “Oh! Very recent. Where’d you move from?”

“Seattle,” Max answered.

Why is my heart pounding?

“Wow,” Kate gushed. “I want to visit there someday. I’ve lived here my whole life. The furthest I’ve been is to Portland. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Max shuddered at the thought and said, “No, it’s just me.”

“I have 2 younger sisters and sometimes wonder what it would be like to be an only child,” Kate said. “I wouldn’t trade Lynn or Sarah for anything, though. Have you made any friends yet? Aside from Chloe, that is.”

Immediately, Max thought about Chloe. “Not really,” she said. “Just Chloe, Rachel, and Steph. My parents keep me pretty busy, so it’s been kind of hard.”

Kate sighed. “I know what that’s like,” she said. “We own a farm and until recently, I spent much of my free time doing farm work, when I wasn’t taking care of my sisters. This is the first year where I’m not up at 4 AM every day doing chores. Oh, here’s our next stop. Would you mind getting the gate?”

Max jumped out of the van. The gate was an odd thing, made of barbed wire stretched between wooden posts. It took a few seconds of studying to figure out how to open it. The wire tension required all the strength she could muster to unhook the fastener. She dragged it out of the way and watched the van slowly drive through. It took even more effort to close the gate.

She got back in the van and they drove along a narrow track through field and forest. Branches scraped the top of the van, making a harsh sound which pierced through Max to her core.

“Sorry,” Kate said, “I forgot to warn you about that.”

“No worries,” Max said through gritted teeth.

The van stopped in front of a cabin which had seen better days. An older man and woman sat on the elevated porch in wheelchairs. A dog lifted its head, stared at the van, then howled. A young child, maybe no more than three, stood up and looked at the van.

They got out of the van and Kate disappeared around back to grab a supply box. The small child babbled something. The dog rested its head on folded paws.

“‘Mornin!” called the man in a gravely voice.

“Afternoon,” Kate said, as she rounded the van with four boxes.

“Is it?” The woman used her feet to wheel herself to the edge of the porch, where she peered up at the sky.

“How are you today, Mr. and Mrs. Lillie?” Kate asked cheerfully and approached the porch.

“Doin damn fine,” Mr. Lillie said. “Got the grandkid today.”

“I see that,” said Kate, “Hello Liam.”

Max froze.

[Jeering faces mocked her. Foul names cut to her core. She wanted to run, needed to get out of there! But she couldn’t move, not while ropes bound her hands, arms, and legs. Not while hands forced her head back or slammed into her.

“Ha ha! Look at him squirm!”

“Should we brand his forehead or cheek?”

The white hot iron moved closer. Its heat seared her face, and she whimpered and struggled. They laughed louder.

“He’s crying!”

“And you thought you were safe,” a voice from her nightmares whispered in her ear. A promise. A threat.]

A hand touched her. Hazel eyes crinkled in concern looked at her. “Are you ok?” Kate whispered.

A weather-worn cabin in need of painting stood behind Kate. Two older people sat in wheelchairs on the porch, boxes on their laps. The memory faded, but Max remained numb. She could barely even feel Kate’s hand on her arm.

A shriek shattered the moment as Liam fell off the porch into some shrubs.

“Oh no,” Max said and darted forward.

The Lillie’s cried out and shuffled to the porch edge. Max leaped into the bushes, ignoring the brambles and branches which tore at her. Liam was stuck in a bush, crying. As quickly and gently as possible, Max lifted the child. He was a lot heavier than she expected.

Or you’re just a pathetic weakling.

Liam cried in her ear, head whipping this way and that. “Gamma gamma,” he cried. The shrill voice rattled Max, but she pushed through until they were on the lawn. Or what passed for the lawn.

Carefully, she set Liam on his feet and looked him over. Kate joined her, a cloth in hand. She wiped twigs, leaves, and other debris from the child.

“He’s ok,” Kate called over her shoulder. “A few scratches is all.”

Liam kept crying. He stomped his little feet and strained to run toward the porch.

Max spied something on the ground nearby. “You like cars?” she asked. Liam cried louder. She leaned over, fighting the urge to cover her ears, picked up a little toy car, and held it where Liam could see it.

Immediately, the crying stopped. Tears continued to trickle down his chubby cheeks. He grabbed the car. A stumpy finger flicked a wheel. “Car,” he said.

“Yes, car,” Max said with a smile. She caressed the side of his head and smiled. “Your car.”

“Car!”

Max held out her hand. “Go see gamma?”

“Gamma?” Liam repeated. “Car.”

Max stood up and took his hand. They walked a meandering path to the porch.

“Oh thank goodness,” Mrs. Lillie said. “Liam! What have we said about the porch edge?”

“Car!” Liam held up the car and toddled over to the dog. “Car.”

“Damn kid’s lucky he didn’t poke an eye out,” growled Mr. Lillie.

“Car!” Liam squatted down and rolled the car over the dog’s side. The dog looked at the toddler, then closed its eyes. “Car.”

When they were back in the van, Kate said, “You were so good with him, Max. Have you taken care of kids before?”

With a shake of her head, Max fastened her seatbelt. “No,” she said. “It felt… right to do that.”

“You have great instincts,” Kate said.

Fingers brushed Max’s hand and fireworks exploded inside her. She looked at Kate, struggling to not show what was going on inside. “Thanks,” she rasped.

What is this?

The day stretched toward late afternoon. They drove around town and countryside making food box deliveries. Kate sang, told her about her family and the town, or drove in silence listening to music.

With each stop, it became harder for Max to summon the ability to speak. The words were there, floating in her mind, but transforming them into speech required energy from her quickly depleting reserves.

Dark memories fought with whatever it was Kate sparked in her. She was happy to know Kate would be at the same school.

I’ll know two people when school starts. That’s much better than last year.

Idiot! Dana knows you as Mark, and Kate knows you as Max. What a mess you’ve made. Again.

They returned to the food bank hours later, hot, sweaty, hungry, and thirsty. Max groaned as she exited the van for the last time.

“Is every day like this?” She forced the question out in bits and pieces, pushing through whatever mental impediment made speaking so difficult. The effort drained her even more. They walked up the stairs into the building, with Max rolling her aching shoulders.

“Only on delivery days,” Kate said. “Now, let’s check with Patrick. If he’s not found any reason to reject your form, we can figure out your schedule.”

Kate held the door for Max, giving her a beautiful smile as Max passed. Fluttering filled Max’s stomach. Max decided they were good feelings, even without understanding them.

“I’m so happy you could help me today,” said Kate. The door gently closed behind her. “And I hope we get to work together more.”

Me too.

Max watched Kate walk down the hallway. A smile slowly spread across her face.

She’s so sweet and helped make today so much better than this morning!

Max followed Kate along the hallways wishing for more days like today.

Notes:

Opening lyric from I Was A Teenage Anarchist by Against Me

Chapter 8

Time sped by. The days were filled with text chats with Chloe, demands from Ryan and Vanessa, and working at the food bank. In her spare moments, Max escaped to sun-filled clearings around the Estates, playing with Socks and pondering the unfamiliar feelings she had for Chloe and Kate. Nights alternated between the restaurant and visits by Maribel, where she’d stare into the darkness in a disassociated state, wishing for a swift end.

Before Max knew it, the day of the going away party arrived. Her stomach churned as she stared at herself in the mirror, and not just because of what she saw.

I wish I’d said no. I wish I’d never told mom about it.

As if reading her thoughts, Vanessa’s voice rang through the house. “Mark! You’re going to be late,” she said. “Get your ass down here!”

She smoothed her hair, then flipped up her hood before turning off the lights and exiting the bathroom. Vanessa stood in the living room, hand on hip, and a firm set to her mouth.

“No way in hell you’re wearing that,” Vanessa said.

“But mo-”

A sharp slap ended her words. With fingers on her stinging cheek, Max looked at her mom.

“When will you fucking learn not to talk back to me?” Vanessa demanded. “Now go upstairs and put on that nice swim outfit we bought you last summer. Then get your ass down here so I can cut your hair.”

“Wh-”

Another slap knocked Max in the other direction.

“You’re so stupid,” Vanessa said. “Gods, I fucking wish I’d put you up for adoption. Now stop fucking delaying and do what you’re told.”

---

I’m trapped.

Vanessa stopped the car. Ahead, the street continued, but so many cars were parked on the sides, barely any room remained to drive. “Your stop,” Vanessa said and looked at Max.

At least no one sees my mom.

Max nodded and opened the door.

Like they haven’t seen her on those billboards.

“Don’t forget to talk to Mrs. Ward,” Vanessa said. “We could really use her support with the town council.”

“Yes, mom,” Max said and grabbed the handle of her backpack.

“Remember what’s at stake,” Vanessa said, a threat in her tone.

The diner. Joyce. Chloe.

Max slid out of the car and slung the backpack over a shoulder.

“And you’re going to Maribel’s tomorrow,” Vanessa said. “She needs more help.”

Max’s stomach plummeted. “At her place?” She made no attempt to hide the fear in her voice.

Vanessa rolled her eyes. “How stupid are you? Yes, at her place. Her daughter Victoria should be at the party. Talk to her. You’ll be spending lots of time with her in your future.”

Max stared at her mom without seeing her.

What does that mean?

A snapping sound distracted her. Vanessa held out a hand, fingers snapping and brow furrowed. “Be home by 11,” she said.

“Yes, mom,” Max said with a nod.

Without another word, Vanessa sped off once the door closed. Max watched the car disappear around a corner before she turned and faced her journey.

Cars lined both sides of the road, stretching into an apparently endless wall of colorful metal and glass. She gulped and shivered. Sweat trickled down her back.

Are these all for the party?

Slowly, she walked along the uneven sidewalk. In the distance, she spotted Chloe’s truck. Her hands twitched. The tank top clung to her body like an unwelcome hug.

I can’t hide it.

The houses were older and showed many signs of loving care. Soil beds filled with plants, some flowering in brilliant colors. Brick-work without a spot of mildew or soiling. Siding that looked new instead of faded.

Everyone will know and make fun of me.

The driveways were short, allowing 1 car at most. Very few cars filled the drives. Chloe’s truck drew closer. Music floated on the breeze.

A lump formed in her chest, and her throat tightened. Her skin ached.

A convertible passed her, going entirely too fast for the narrow corridor. Laughter tumbled along the breeze. The car parked on the far side of Chloe’s truck, which Max realized straddled the sidewalk. Her fingers flicked at her sides.

She rounded the truck and stopped. Three girls stood outside the convertible. The doors slammed shut. Two blonde girls and a brunette traded comments and jokes. The driver wore large sunglasses.

“Don’t forget the gifts, Courtney,” said the driver.

The brunette made a rude sound, then reached across the back seat. “Whatever you say, Vic,” she said.

The driver, who must be Vic, flipped the sunglasses onto her head. “15 minutes tops, girls,” she said. “We go in, let everyone see us, then leave.”

“You sure about that, Vic?” the other blonde girl said. “What if Zach’s there?”

Vic tsked and said, “He’s not. He’ll be at Nathan’s party.”

Courtney stood up, gift bags in hand. “Ready ladies?”

I wish I looked like them.

“What are you staring at, creep?” Vic said with fire in her voice. Her eyes seemed to drive daggers into Max.

“Ugh, don’t tell me you’re invited,” the other blonde girl said, her face twisted up. “Gross.”

Max looked away.

“Well, if it isn’t Victoria and her Chasettes,” said a familiar voice.

Max’s head snapped up. Chloe leaned against the porch railing, a dark bottle dangling from one hand.

No!

Before other thoughts could register, Max turned and rapidly walked away.

She saw me! Chloe saw me!

“Max?” Chloe called out.

Max walked faster. Chloe shouted her name again. She broke into a run.

Thoughts chased her faster than she could run. They crowded her mind, faster and faster.

I’m ugly! Victoria confirmed it.

See! I’m not a girl.

Chloe saw me, now she’ll hate me.

Why’d I ever even try to be a girl? Everyone knows I’m not.

What a pathetic loser.

It’s good I’m running away from the party. All I’d do is ruin it. I’m saving their fun by not being there.

No one wants me.

No one likes me.

Max ran and ran. She ran despite a pain in her side. The pain in her heart was greater. She ran though she couldn’t see. Could she ever see? The thoughts wouldn’t leave her alone, accumulating faster than she could process.

At last, she stopped, out of breath. She leaned against a building, bent double. Sweat dripped onto the sidewalk. Her limbs trembled.

No one’ll ever like me.

I’m a fraud, a liar.

Minutes crept by as Max struggled to breathe. Thoughts pummeled her mercilessly. She rested her forehead against her arm and struggled to quiet her brain.

When the panting finally stopped and the thoughts faded into a whisper, Max straightened up and looked around. She blinked the sweat and tears from her eyes, then gasped. She was across the street from the diner!

No! No, no, no, no, no!

Her chest tightened.

When mom finds out I didn’t talk to Mrs. Ward, she’ll she’ll…

She couldn’t complete the thought. Max walked across the street, eager to remove the diner from view. Unfortunately, she wanted to go to the beach, which meant walking in front of it. After taking a few deep breaths, she quick-walked to the beach access, eyes focused straight ahead.

When sand and pebbles crunched underfoot, she let out a long sigh. The crashing surf drowned out the sounds of civilization. If only it could do that with her thoughts, too.

Max stared at the waves, watching them crash against the beach, small waves diminishing to a thin layer of liquid a few feet away. Again and again the waves came in, as eternal as the thoughts tearing her down.

I never should have gone to the party. I shouldn’t have made friends. I…

She looked away from the waves. The lighthouse caught her eye. In the weeks she’d lived here, she hadn’t climbed the trail to it. She’d wanted to during the two weeks of freedom but had been caught up in befriending Chloe and the others.

Useless. I’m useless.

Max turned away from the surf and headed toward the trail. She tried not to remember sitting at one of the picnic tables playing D&D.

I felt… like myself.

Her stomach growled. She ignored it as she climbed.

I’m a lie. Everything about me is fake.

She reached the top of the trail and paused to catch her breath. The breeze was stronger up here and was uncomfortably cool. She walked across the hilltop to a railing. A bench and an information stand were nearby. She stared out across the ocean and let the backpack slide to the ground.

I could end it right now.

Max shivered. Her nails scraped the railing.

No more questions or doubts.

The waves were tiny at this height. It was fascinating to watch their endless march to the beach.

I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

Far below, waves crashed against the cliff base. Gray plumes of spray blasted into the air.

I couldn’t hurt anyone again.

What would it be like to have the wind rushing past as she fell?

Mom and dad would finally be free of me.

It would end in a chilling embrace.

Max backed away from the railing. Her hands flicked and jerked at her side.

Think of how peaceful it’ll be.

She looked away from the edge. The lighthouse towered over her, and she wondered who maintained it.

Why continue this miserable existence? My life is meaningless. No one wants me. I don’t want me.

A door on the opposite side gave access to the tower, but it was locked. Not far away were the remains of a fire pit. A few pieces of wood and some rocks encircled it.

No one would miss me.

She knew the thought was a lie, but it still hurt. Max grabbed her head and screamed. So many thoughts filled her head it seemed ready to explode.

“I don’t want to hurt anymore!” She cried and fell to her knees. The pain barely registered compared to what was happening in her head, in her heart.

“Why?!” she said. “Why’d I have to go to that stupid party?! If I’d stayed home, Chloe’d never see me as as what the fuck even am I?!”

She wiped her eyes and nose, then stared at her hands. The fingers ached. “Why,” she whispered. “Why does everything have to hurt? Why’d mom and dad even have me if they don’t want me?”

It would be easy. Just a few seconds and then I wouldn’t be a problem for anyone ever again.

Max looked at the cliff edge just past the railing. It called to her. She stood up and trudged over to it, thoughts whispering in her ears. “Stop it stop it stop it,” she cried, while beating her head.

They didn’t stop.

The tank top rudely reminded her of its presence. She ripped it off and threw it to the ground. A notification ding came from her parent’s phone. Max stared at the backpack.

Max faced the ocean again. The wind was salty. The yawning chasm whispered her name. Her hands clenched on the railing. The phone dinged again. With a choked sob, she went to the backpack and ripped the phone free.

mom> how’s the party?

mom> have you talked with Mrs. Ward?

Checking up on me and I’m not even there. What’ll she do when she finds out?

It’s ok. No, I haven’t had a chance to talk to her. <Mark

Please believe me. Please believe me. Please believe me.

Seconds ticked by without a response from her mom. She set the phone down and let out a long breath. The phone dinged.

mom> Why the fuck aren’t you at the party, you little shit?

mom> Your father is coming to get you. Stay there. You’re so fucking useless.

No no no no no no!

The phone tumbled from her fingers.

What’s he gonna do to me?!

She leaped to her feet, certain of only one thing: she didn’t want to be here when Ryan arrived.

Max raced over to the discarded tank top and put it back on. Then she yanked up her backpack and ran to the trail. She ran all the way to the bottom, narrowly avoiding a nasty fall several times.

Ryan’s car pulled into the parking lot when she exited the trail. Max darted behind a large rock, crouching low. Heavy feet crunched on gravel, followed by a round of cursing.

“Mark!” Ryan yelled. Max shuddered.

The feet stomped by. “Fucking idiot kid,” Ryan muttered. “Can’t do a single fucking thing right.”

“MARK! Get your fucking ass down here!”

Max tried not to whimper as her heart rate spiked. Cold sweat trickled across her skin.

“I should just drive him into the middle of nowhere and dump him,” Ryan said. “At least a fucking dog can be trained. He’s just a st-”

Ryan’s voice faded away. Max peeked around the corner to see her dad hiking up the trail. When she was sure he couldn’t see her, she took off in a blind run.

When he finds my phone-

She cut off the thought.

They probably won’t do anything to me until Monday because of Maribel.

Her stomach churned. She skidded to a stop as bile rose in her throat. Sweat coated her body as she struggled not to throw up. Deep breaths filled her lungs and helped push the bile down.

What am I gonna do?

She sagged against a building and looked around. None of the houses looked familiar.

At least I’m not on the highway where he’d see me.

Max continued looking around, trying to figure out what to do, where to go. With a sigh, she picked a direction and started walking. She passed houses, occasionally recognizing one from her deliveries with Kate.

I don’t want to go home again.

She paused at an intersection even though no cars could be seen in any direction.

They only want to hurt me.

One street had more trees. Max walked in that direction.

If they killed me, would anyone notice? Would anyone care?

Tall, leaf-bearing trees hung over the street. In a few weeks, they’d change colors.

I could step in front of a car.

No. An innocent driver shouldn’t have that guilt.

Even though I’m worthless. They wouldn’t know.

What will mom and dad do to me?

A small neighborhood park appeared on her right. Children played on the swings and slide. She stopped to watch them.

They look so happy. Have I ever been that happy?

While she watched, a small child fell down and started crying. A man rushed over and gently picked up the child. He held the child close and rubbed their back.

I don’t remember mom or dad ever doing that for me.

After a few minutes, the child stopped crying. The man set the child on their feet and immediately the child rushed back to the other children, laughing and ready to play.

Maybe they’ll lock me away or burn me or

Something clamped tightly on Max’s throat and chest. It squeezed as tears welled up. She turned away from the park.

I can’t… I don’t want this anymore! I wish I’d never tried to make friends. It hurts too much! Why can’t I be normal instead of a freak?

Everything about her was wrong. Clothes couldn’t fix it. A new town couldn’t fix it. As far as Max knew, only one thing could. She returned to meandering the streets while a battle raged inside her head.

Why’m I so broken? I can’t do this anymore.

[Chloe> Hey - you ever feel unsafe, text me 911 and I’ll come get you. K?]

Max stopped walking.

How can I turn to her when I’ve just ruined her mom’s life? How could I even tell her?

She dug the other phone out of her backpack. It lay in her hand. The tiny screen on its back showed messages waited.

Chloe> Hey, Max, you coming?

Chloe> everything ok?

Chloe> Victoria’s gone

She snapped the phone shut.

I bet dad’s not at the lighthouse anymore.

She screwed her eyes shut. An image filled her mind. Her body plummeting through the air into the icy embrace of the sea.

It would be so easy. A final choice. One they can’t control.

It was tempting. She had an urge to return to the bluff.

No more doubts or questions or pain. Peace.

I want that so much.

Her thumb flicked the phone open.

Mom and dad control everything. They can’t control this.

Max> 911

She opened her eyes and looked at what she did.

Chloe> where r u?

Max> Juniper and 5th.

Chloe> omw

Coward.

I’m not ready for that.

While she waited, Max dug out the towel from the backpack. She wrapped it around herself, picked up the bag, and tried not to fall apart.

What am I gonna do? What’ll I tell Chloe? How can I even see her after she saw me as as as THAT person? And my hair…

The truck stopped at the curb and shut off. A door slammed. Max stared at the ground.

“Hey,” Chloe said. “Let’s get ya in the truck.”

Max nodded, maybe. The door opened quietly. She stared at it.

“I, uh, greased the hinges so they don’t squeak anymore,” Chloe said. “In ya go.”

Slowly, Max climbed into the truck. The door was still loud when it closed, but nothing like it used to be. She put her seatbelt on.

“Where do ya want to go?” Chloe said as she started the truck.

“Wherever my parents or the cops can’t find me,” Max said hollowly.

“Gotcha,” Chloe said. The truck pulled away from the curb.

Max leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes.

I failed her.

They drove, winding through the neighborhoods until they reached the highway. Max stayed lost in her thoughts, eyes closed as she struggled against the negative thoughts pummeling her. The only sounds were tires on pavement and air rushing past the cab.

Before Max was ready, the truck slowed and turned left. They bumped slowly along a few seconds before the truck turned right and stopped.

“We’re here,” Chloe said.

Max didn’t open her eyes.

The driver’s door opened with a faint creak. Chloe muttered something under her breath, then closed the door.

Max counted to ten, then opened her eyes. A line of trees were on her side of the truck, just a few feet away. She looked left and spied the ocean through the few trees on that side. Max slowly got out of the truck, bringing her backpack and towel with her.

“You hungry?” Chloe asked as she walked up to Max. A small blue and gray duffle bag was slung across a shoulder.

Max nodded.

“I’ve got stuff for s’mores and hotdogs,” Chloe said. “Follow me.”

They went around the truck and through the trees. On the other side were the remains of a fire pit with stones lining one side. An ancient log lay near it. Scrub brush and stubby trees filled the land between them and the sea.

Chloe set the bag on the ground. “I got wood and shit in the truck,” she said and jerked her thumb over her shoulder.

“Do you want help?” Max asked lifelessly.

“Nah,” Chloe said without hesitation. “Just make yourself comfy.” Before Max could speak, Chloe turned and walked back to the truck.

The backpack slid to the ground, loosened by numb fingers. Max looked around, wary of being alone with her thoughts. There wasn’t much of anything here. With a sigh, she lowered herself to the ground and leaned against the log. A breeze lightly blew across her face.

I’m just a burden. To everyone.

Chloe’s grunt announced her return, along with a thump as she dropped a bundle of wood on the ground. She flashed a smile at Max, then used a knife to slash through the twine wrapping the wood.

“You’ll prolly want to sit on this side,” Chloe said and pointed to an area near her feet. “The wind’ll blow the smoke right in your face.”

Max nodded, grabbed her backpack, and shuffled sideways. Chloe watched her with a lopsided grin. “What?” Max said, heat rushing to her face.

“Just… admiring,” Chloe said, then shifted her attention to the fire pit.

Admiring? What’s that mean?

Max didn’t ask. Instead, she found herself distracted by watching Chloe. She placed small pieces of wood in the pit, arranged like a cone.

Or a pyramid.

Within seconds, smoke rose from the cone. Chloe guarded the cone from the breeze with her hands and body. Flames soon appeared and Chloe began placing small bits of wood into it. Before long, the fire was hungrily devouring a large piece of wood.

Chloe switched her attention to the duffle bag. She pulled out some metal rods, a package of hotdogs, buns, ketchup, and mustard. She handed a rod to Max. “We’ll wait a few more minutes,” she said and tore into the hotdog package. “How many do you want?”

Max looked up. “2?”

Chloe handed her two hotdogs. Max stared at them.

What am I supposed to do?

She looked up in time to see Chloe spear her hotdogs with the metal rod. She did her best to imitate Chloe.

“Might want to get a little closer,” Chloe said when Max held the stick toward the flames. Chloe moved to the side, giving Max more room.

They sat, holding hotdogs on metal rods over the fire. Max carefully imitated everything Chloe did with the rods.

“I found this spot a few years ago,” Chloe said. “Joyce had dated jerk face a few weeks and asked him to move in. It hurt and fucking pissed me off, so I left home. Made it here and couldn’t walk any further. Just stayed here and hurt. Two days later, Steph found me. Goddess, that girl…”

Chloe shook her head and turned her hotdogs over.

“You… actually ran away from home?” Max said with awe.

Chloe nodded. “A couple of times,” she said.

Max watched a seam form on the hotdogs and split open. The sausages sizzled, and she turned them again like Chloe. “What’d they do to you when you got home?” She whispered.

“Mostly yelled,” Chloe said. “Wasn’t much they could do except for jerk face. First time is when he hit me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Max said.

I wish… that’s all my parents did to me.

The hotdogs finished cooking in silence. Max chewed hers while fighting inner voices. The first hotdog went down quick but it was a struggle to even start the second. Despite the hunger pangs gnawing at her stomach, halfway through, she set the hotdog aside.

Chloe inhaled hers before Max finished her first one. Max picked at the half-eaten bun while Chloe cleaned up their food mess.

“You gonna eat that?” Chloe said as she packed the condiments away.

Max rested her hand on it, conflicted, before saying, “No.”

Chloe nodded. “Toss it in the fire, then.”

Max watched the flames devour what she couldn’t. Her chest tightened, and she looked away.

They sat in silence. Chloe stretched out her legs, leaned back, and lit a joint. After taking a puff, she held it out. “Want some?” She said.

Max looked at it and squirmed. She wanted to try it but couldn’t push past the mental conflict. “No,” she whispered hoarsely. “Thanks though.”

Chloe shrugged and put it back in her mouth. She inhaled, then slid down until the log propped up her shoulders and neck.

“Just a couple a girls chillin’ in the afternoon,” Chloe said, her words playing with the plume of smoke.

The words were a knife of ice plunging into Max’s chest. She barely stifled a sob.

Girl?! Me? How how can she even think that now?

“I’m sorry I pulled you away from Steph and Rachel’s going away party,” Max forced herself to say.

Chloe made a sound, then said, “Don’t worry about it. We’re having our own just before they leave.”

Max snugged the towel around herself and stared at the fire. Sparks rose into the air, briefly flaring before fading into nothing. Bright embers peaked from under charred wood and ash.

“I’m scared,” Max whispered to the fire. Flames weren’t people. Whatever you told them burned away, carried off by the heat and smoke. “Scared to… talk to anyone. Scared… they’ll use what I say against me.”

“Well, that fucking sucks,” said the fire.

“You’re… you and Steph and Rachel and now Kate are the closest I’ve ever had to friends,” Max said. “I keep waiting for one of you to tell my parents’ stuff about me and… it hasn’t happened and I don’t know what to do.”

The fire crackled and popped. Sparks sprayed into the air. Another piece of wood landed atop the flames.

“Ain’t gonna happen,” the fire said. “We don’t share this shit.”

Max nodded, peering into the dancing flames. “And now now…” It seemed like a hand grabbed her throat and squeezed, stopping the words from being spoken. She took a few deep breaths, holding each for a few seconds before exhaling, until the tightness loosened.

”And I lied to you,” Max said, the flames blurring into a shimmering morass of oranges, yellows, and reds.

“Hmm, how’d you lie?” the fire said, as if it didn’t know.

“I… I…” The words wouldn’t come, or maybe she didn’t want them to. Max gritted her teeth and tried to force the words out, but her tongue wouldn’t cooperate.

“I’m sorry,” Max managed to say, and suddenly her tongue worked again. “But I really… really want to talk to… to trust someone!” She wiped a hand across her face. “It hurts too much to keep it in. It’s too heavy, too… scary. And I feel… alone, cut off from everyone. I don’t know… don’t know if I can.”

The flames crackled. The breeze shifted the smoke into a swirling sideways column.

“Ok,” said the flames. “What if I went first?”

Max blinked rapidly. “Went first?”

“Yeah,” the flames said. “Let me tell ya something.”

“Ok,” Max said hesitantly. How could fire tell a story? It should burn up a story like she wished the fire would do with hers. She shook her head, dispelling the illusion. Next to her, Chloe still reclined, gaze locked on the sky. When she caught Max looking, she smiled, then took another puff.

“Life sucked when I was fifteen,” Chloe said distantly. “Dad had died a few months before. Mom was dating some creep. Rachel and Steph kept me from… some pretty dark shit. But someone had it out for Steph. Don’t know who or why, but I got wind Principal Wells was gonna expel her, so I… broke into the school and stole the evidence. Everyone suspected it was me, but…”

Chloe shrugged and took another puff.

“You’d do anything for them?” Max said. “Steph and Rachel, I mean.”

“Fuck yeah,” Chloe said with a smile. It soon faded. “But they don’t know. I didn’t wanna tell them so they wouldn’t have to lie for me. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Max looked down. Her fingers played with the edge of the towel.

“You got something on me now,” Chloe said.

“Huh?” Max whipped her head up. “I don’t want something on you. I don’t…”

Understand. Tell her I don’t understand!

Right. Just let her know how stupid you are.

I’m not stupid. Things just don’t always make sense.

Max wrung her hands over and over while she debated. The fire crackled and popped, sometimes making her jump with the suddenness. A longing for answers and comprehension filled her, but it seemed so out of reach, like she kept searching in all the wrong places.

Next to her, Chloe shuffled into a new position. She stretched out one leg and rested her chin on the other knee. Small sticks, leaves, and other debris nearby went sailing into the fire to bounce and tumble before the flames consumed them.

“I-I don’t understand,” Max finally said, ducking her head to hide her mouth trembling and the tears which flooded her eyes. She barely resisted the urge to throw the towel over her head.

“Huh? Understand what?” Chloe said and looked at her.

“Why… you’d tell me that story,” Max said, her lips trembling. “Why I should have something on you.”

Chloe didn’t answer. Tears trickled down Max’s cheeks and it was hard to breathe. She wanted to leap to her feet and run or pace or anything but sit here. Hands clawed at her hair, but it was too short to grasp.

Why? Why’d I tell her how stupid I am? Why!

“Ahh, ok,” Chloe finally said. “Trust can be fucking hard. And it’s earned. I share a little. Maybe you share a little. We learn who to trust by what they do with what we share. You’ve shared a shit ton with me since we became friends and… well, I want to earn your trust.”

That sort of makes sense? What do I share with her? Am I supposed to tell her a story?

“I’m sorry I’m so stupid,” Max said, lowering her head further to hide from Chloe’s gaze.

“Why’d- no, fuck that,” Chloe said. “You’re not stupid, Max. I can’t even fucking imagine what you’re going through or what’s fucked you up so bad you can’t talk. If you just want to sit here, we can do that.”

The warmth in Chloe’s words soothed an ache deep inside. Max silently wept.

Why is she like this with me?

The fire crackled and flickered, kept alive by Chloe’s careful attention. In silence, they sat together, wrapped in the comfort of private thoughts and the distant surf.

When was the last time someone dropped everything to come help me?

Mom’s done that plenty of times when you have panic attacks.

Does that count? She spends the whole time guilting me about them.

Max couldn’t remember a time where someone willingly went out of their way to help her. And to just sit here together in silence? No guilt tripping, no mocking, no nothing?

Max lifted her head and gazed through the fire at the ocean far beyond. “My name isn’t Max, it’s it’s…” She couldn’t do it; couldn’t say that name. Max’s face dropped into her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. “I’m not Max and I’m not a not a not a girl I don’t know what I am and I just it’s just too much and I feel like I’m falling apart and no one cares and I don’t understand why…”

Fingers ran through Max’s hair, but it was much too short to pull. She wanted to hit herself, a pain she could control, but not in front of Chloe. Instead, she pulled the towel over her head.

Sparks continued to crackle and snap. Hiding did nothing for the ache, the need for pain.

“Wanna talk about it? About not knowing what you are?” Chloe cautiously said.

Seconds turned into minutes before Max pulled the towel off her head. She turned away from Chloe, from the soft gaze and warm smile.

“It’s like… people are always saying what or who I’m supposed to be,” Max said. “But it’s never… seemed right, felt right. Like… everyone seems really confident about something I can’t grasp.”

Fingers traced designs on her leg. Her hairy leg. She screwed her eyes shut and tried not to sob.

“And I’m scared,” she said in her broken voice. “Scared if people knew… life would be even worse than it already is.”

A tingling sensation erupted across her skin, thousands of needles repeatedly stabbing. The bones in her hands ached. Max rubbed her arms and legs, but the pain wouldn’t go away.

“I hear ya,” Chloe said. “People, especially parents, have so many fucking expectations for us. And if you don’t meet all of them, we’re the problem, not them. So… if you could be anyone or anything, who would you be?”

An answer immediately sprang to mind, but Max wasn’t ready to voice it. Too many things held her back. Not least among them were memories of mistreatment and betrayal.

Minutes passed in silence. Next to her, Chloe stretched out her legs.

“Did you like hanging out with Rach, Steph, and me last month?” Chloe asked.

Max nodded, then said, “Yeah. It was the best week.”

“What’d you like about it?” Chloe said.

A lot of memories popped into her head, and she spent a few seconds selecting safe ones. “The way you… accepted me into your group. I was just one of the girls. No… judgment. No expectations.”

“Well, you’re fucking cool, Max,” Chloe said. “You did the same to us: no judgment or expectations.”

She… she still called me Max.

Well duh! You didn’t tell her your real name. Idiot.

“Why would I judge you?” Max said in confusion.

Chloe laughed and laughed. Max’s face burned and shame crept into her chest. She scooted away.

“No, sorry,” Chloe choked, laughter still pouring out. “I’m not laughing at you.” She struggled with the laughter a few more seconds. “People’ve been judging us so long I forgot what it’s like to meet someone who doesn’t. I’m the high-school dropout who corrupted the prettiest, smartest girls in school. Once they started hanging out with me, people started mourning their potential.

“Plus, we’re all some kind of queer in a small town. It’s like we have fucking targets on our backs with the small-minded people who just want to control everyone.”

At Chloe’s explanation, the shame loosened its hold on Max and the heat drained from her face. “Wow,” she said, “that sounds icky.”

I’ve never had anyone tell me about their problems like Chloe does.

Chloe shrugged. “It is what it is. People are gonna do whatever. I don’t give a fuck what people think, but I know it bugs Rachel. Maybe you could ask her about it.”

Max quickly shook her head. The thought of having a conversation with Rachel was too intimidating.

The fire crackled as it ate through a thick branch.

“What do ya mean about being one of the girls?” Chloe said, “You didn’t get to hang out much in Seattle?”

“A lack of real friends,” Max said. “And my parents… they’re really strict about the kinds of friends I make. If a… a friendship doesn’t get them into better social circles, then it’s not allowed.”

And I’m not a girl… especially not in Seattle.

Chloe whistled low and long. “Let me guess,” she said. “Your friends were mostly fake?”

“Pretty much,” Max answered. “The others knew how to play the game. It took me a long time to figure out and I’m not good at those kinds of games. Plus, I’m… kind of different.” She squirmed, placing her hands between her legs.

“Fuck yeah, you’re different! You’re genuine,” Chloe said warmly.

Max ducked her head. “Thanks,” she murmured.

Silence descended upon them like a scratchy blanket. Max shifted, wishing she had her hoodie, her pants or skirt, something to hide in. Chloe tossed more wood on the fire.

“What you said earlier,” Chloe said, “sounds similar to what other trans girls go through. It fucking sucks and I’m sorry it’s hitting you so hard.”

Max looked at Chloe. Her brow wrinkled. “Trans… girls?”

Chloe was silent for a while. Her boot heel scuffed the ground. “Yeah,” she said carefully. “I’ve known a few, even dated one in Portland for a while. Long distance didn’t work for us.”

Max squirmed with the question she wanted to ask. Her hands found each other, fingers rapidly fidgeting.

“What’s a… trans girl?” Max bunched her shoulders and drew her knees up to her chest.

Again, Chloe didn’t answer immediately. As seconds ticked by, sweat slid down Max’s back. Her legs wanted to run. She wanted to disappear.

“A girl who’s transgender,” Chloe whispered. “Do you… know what transgender is?”

Max held her breath, uncertain of Chloe’s tone, wary of again betraying her ignorance. Shook her head. “No.”

“Fuck!”

A loud crack shattered the air! Max cried out and threw her hands over her head.

“I’m so fucking oblivious!”

Max scurried backwards, putting distance between herself and the anger in Chloe’s voice. Her breathing was fast, shallow as she looked at Chloe through her arms.

“How many times have-” Chloe looked at Max and stopped talking. Her eyes widened. A large broken stick dropped from her hands. “Fuck! I’m so sorry, Max! I didn’t mean to scare you! I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at your parents and myself.”

Slowly, the tension left Max, allowing her to stand. She watched Chloe for a few more seconds, with her sad eyes and dropping mouth. She returned to Chloe’s side and hugged her knees to her chest again. The towel lay on the ground, a symbol of a secret she could no longer keep.

“What’ll you do to me?” Max said with a lump in her throat.

“Do to you? What do you mean?” Chloe said.

Max sniffed and looked to the side. “You know I’m not a girl, that I’ve been lying to everyone. Can you just… hurt me now?”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Max,” Chloe said with tears in her voice. “I want to help you!”

“Why help me? What do you get out of it?”

“I get to help a friend,” Chloe said.

Her breath froze. Max looked at Chloe, an ache in her chest. “A a friend?” She choked.

Chloe nodded. “A friend.” She smiled and to Max, it was bright as the sun.

“I’m sorry I’m such a fucked up mess,” Max said. “Maybe… maybe you’d be better off just forgetting about me.”

“You’re so fucking worth helping,” Chloe said. “And I won’t forget about you, Max Caulfield.”

They listened to the fire burn through wood for a while. The breeze switched directions, and they had to move. Once they reseated, Chloe said, “Your parents control everything?”

Max nodded, then hoarsely said, “Yeah. They… have an app on my phone, so they always know where I’m at and some kind of spyware on the home computer.”

“Fuck, so you can’t even fucking look for shit about what’s going on with you?” Chloe spat, then took a deep breath.

With a shake of her head, Max whispered, “No, but does it matter? I know I’m broken and wrong; a mistake. What good is it to know how?”

Chloe spun on her butt to face Max. “You’re not broken or wrong, Max,” she said, “And you’re not a fucking mistake. Not by a long shot.”

“Then… then…” The words couldn’t escape the lump which formed in her throat.

If I’m not broken, why do my parents treat me like I’m trash? Like I’m a broken piece of furniture they have to tolerate before a better version comes along?

“I’ve been there,” Chloe said, “where it feels like so much shit is hitting you, there’s no time to think, just react. You can do this and I wanna help.”

“Why?” Max asked, almost bitterly.

“Because you’re worth it,” Chloe said. “You deserve help.”

Max ducked her head to hide the tears which flooded her eyes. She wanted to grab the towel and cover her head, but couldn’t get her arms to move. “I’m not,” she whispered, though she wasn’t sure anyone could hear it. Did it matter if anyone did? It was truth and couldn’t be denied. Chloe would see it soon enough.

“I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not.” The words kept repeating; a stuck truth about her. Hands clawed at her sparse hair or beat her head.

“Max?”

“I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not.”

“How can I help?”

What could Chloe do? What could anyone do? How do you fix a person broken beyond repair? A person not worth saving? Why would anyone want to? Why risk fixing a mistake just to become one?

Max dug fingers into her hair and pulled, shoving her head down between her knees. The words tumbled like rocks down a hill, flipping through the air, not caring what damage they did.

Why am I so stupid? I can’t even stop repeating the words!

How long it lasted, she couldn’t say. Eventually, her voice failed or the stress ebbed or something. Her lips moved, but no words came out.

Her arms were pinned to her sides, buried beneath the towel. Something warm and firm pressed against her back. She lifted her head.

Nearby, the fire continued to crackle, oblivious to the people it warmed, the world it lit. Sparks danced in the air. The discarded metal rods rested against a rock.

“Max? How you doing?” Chloe’s voice came from behind her.

“I…” Max choked, her mouth and throat dry and swollen. “Drink.”

The pressure wrapped around her disappeared. Max blinked, realizing Chloe had wrapped herself around her. A hand appeared to her right, holding a water bottle.

Max took a few sips, closing her eyes as the water soothed her dry throat. “I’m… ok,” she said.

“Good,” Chloe said. “I hope what I did was ok. You seemed so… lost and scared.”

“It helped.” Max closed the water bottle and stared at it.

I’m not worth saving.

She pushed the thought away. “What was the word you used earlier? Transgender? What’s that?”

When Chloe didn’t reply, Max lifted her head and looked at her. Chloe stared at the ground, fingers plucking the seam of her jeans.

“I, uh… I don’t really know how to put this,” Chloe said, her voice raspy and low. “I don’t wanna fuck this up. Like… you know in chemistry you have cis and trans isomers? There’re cis isomers on the same side of a plane and trans isomers-”

Chloe broke off the explanation at seeing Max’s widening eyes and blank look.

“Shit,” she said, scratching the back of her head. “This is totally over your head. Ok, the important bit is trans is Latin for ‘other side’ and cis is for ‘same said.’ Like, if you’re cis, your gender is the same as what the doc told your parents when you were born. Trans means you’re kinda the opposite. Or not the same.

“I’ll be honest, it gets kinda complicated. Some people are multiple genders, others aren’t any gender. Just… yeah, transgender or trans is just the word for when your gender doesn’t match what everyone tells you it is. If that makes any sense…”

Max looked at her blankly for a while as thoughts raced through her mind way too fast to catch. Her skin prickled along her arms and the back of her neck. She tried to speak, but no words would come out.

The silence lengthened into an awkward presence, which pulled Chloe’s attention away from the ground. A hint of a smile flitted across Chloe’s face to join the awkwardness binding them together.

“You mean…” Max’s voice grated in her ears. Her tongue was heavy. “You mean…”

She screwed her eyes shut. There wasn’t enough air and what was there was hot and thick. When she tried to breathe deeply, her throat tightened. Colorful splotches exploded behind her lids, fading into darkness as quickly as they appeared. The ever present hollow in her chest began to fill with something she couldn’t name.

A hand touched her arm. Max opened her eyes, but all she saw were colorful blotches dancing against the sky. They wobbled and bounced as she struggled to breathe.

“You mean,” she said again, voice raspy and heavy. “You mean there are others? Like me?!”

“Yes, Max,” Chloe whispered.

Max smashed a hand against her face, trying to wipe away the tears. They kept coming, pouring down her trembling cheeks, dripping to the ground or soaking her shirt.

“You… wanna hug?” Chloe gently said.

Max threw herself at Chloe, wrapping arms around her tightly. She buried her face in Chloe’s shirt and loosened the hold she normally had on her emotions.

For several long minutes, Max lay in Chloe’s arms sobbing. In that moment, the ache and emptiness which defined her core was gone. She was no longer the stranger on the outskirts of life, peering at people as they formed connections and went about their lives. Instead, a bond sprang into existence, stretching between her and Chloe and the world, and all was right and aligned.

The moment passed, and the emptiness surged with new strength, snapping the bond like a dry twig. She pushed herself away from Chloe, wiping her face, and not looking at her. She turned her head to stare into nothingness.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped. “I ruined your shirt.”

“Fuck the shirt,” Chloe said. “I can wash it.”

Max nodded, unable to bring herself to look at Chloe, to see what she expected lurked in her eyes.

“You didn’t know?” Chloe said, her tone warm and gentle. “About being a trans girl?”

Max shook her head.

Beyond their little site, the breeze bent the grasses. Further out lay the sea, the afternoon sun glinting on its waves. The sea called to the emptiness eating away at Max. An urge to leave, to disappear into the wilderness, never to be seen again, seized her. Her legs twitched in response.

“So… how many people know I’m not a girl?” Max said bitterly.

“You are a girl,” said Chloe.

“Girls have have boobs and curves and all the things I don’t have!” Max spat. “I’m just a-”

“No, they don’t,” Chloe interrupted. “There are plenty of girls without those things. Those aren’t what make you a girl.”

Max looked at her body in disgust.

“Imma be honest,” Chloe said. “I don’t want to fuck this up. Fuck you up. I wanna be here for you, but I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

“Neither do I,” Max said. Something about Chloe’s honesty had pierced the emptiness. “What am I supposed to do? What even am I?”

She made herself look at Chloe. Afternoon light softened her face. Her eyes sparkled and Max felt something inside.

“You’re a girl,” Chloe whispered. “And your name is Max.”

I’m a girl. Chloe said I’m a girl.

“As for what to do…” Chloe shrugged. “Maybe you could come over to use my computer to figure that out. Also… would you like to meet other trans girls?”

“There are others here in town?!” Max’s eyes grew enormous.

Chloe shook her head. “Not that I know. But I’m still friends with the trans girl I dated in Portland. I bet she’d love to meet you.”

Meet a stranger? Sounds scary.

“Let me think about it,” Max said.

“If you want,” Chloe said, “I could also wash your clothes for you. I bet you can’t do that at home.”

They are a bit stinky.

“How would that work?” Max said.

“Text me where they’re at,” Chloe said. “I’ll get ‘em, wash ‘em, and put them back in the same spot.”

“Ok,” Max said, nodding her head slowly. She changed positions to put her legs beneath her.

She might actually like me. A friend.

Max rubbed her arms and stared into the fire. The flames danced a peculiar pattern, matching the explosion of feelings barely contained in her chest.

“Would… you mind doing something… for me?” Max said nervously.

“What’s that?”

“Could you… hold me again?” Max whispered in a voice ready to shatter.

An arm tugged at her shoulder. “Come here,” Chloe whispered.

Max leaned back and Chloe slid the towel over them. Her arm rested against Max, who closed her eyes and focused on the moment: fire crackling, pine and pitch mixing with smoke, an arm holding her, a person who might actually care.

When the tears returned, they were silent. Max didn’t stop them. They streamed down her cheeks, soaking the towel.

They spoke through the afternoon and into the night, much longer than Max had planned on being away. Without her parent’s phone demanding her attention, she could focus on the moments with Chloe. No matter what happened when she got home, tonight was a night for herself.

For once.

Chapter 9

The bike coasted to a stop as Max craned her head to take in the scene. A house towered above the ground and sprawled like a reclining giant to either side. Dusk brought forth shadows, which gave the house a menacing feel. As if it needed any help.

I don’t want to be here.

A familiar car sat in the driveway. Victoria was home. Max shuddered as yesterday ran through her head.

Why is she here? She shouldn’t be!

Her fingers flexed on the grips. The evening shadows engulfed the front entry. It resembled a gaping maw, waiting to devour her.

You should have jumped. It’s better than… than this.

The house overlooked the town and the sea. It sat upon a mountain spur, which sloped steeply away from the house. Max didn’t recognize any of the plants decorating the front of the house.

Max was out of place. Her thumb worried the knurls on the handgrips while she studied the house. She adjusted the jacket Vanessa made her wear and got off the bike.

Why am I doing this?

To save the diner. To keep your parents from beating you more or worse.

It’s not who I want to be.

Who cares what you want?! Only what mom and dad want matter and they want you to-

I KNOW what they want! I don’t want it.

A light came on in the house.

Why don’t I get to choose who I am? What I want?

Because you ruin everything you touch. Why do you think you’re in this mess?

For several seconds, Max studied the newly lit window. Her brow furrowed.

I don’t care. I AM choosing.

Your death.

She shuddered, but got back on her bike.

What do you think they’ll do to you first?

Shut up.

She pulled out her parents’ phone. When she got home last night, cold wrath had greeted her. She knew the worst was still to come. For now, she was free; free to choose what she wanted. The ornate landscaping made it easy to hide the phone.

Clever. It won’t save you.

Shut up.

Max turned the bike around and pedaled toward the street.

You break their rules and expect them to just ignore it?! You’ll get what you deserve.

Shut up!

A car sped past the driveway. Max stopped to look in both directions.

You’ve fucked up everything mom and dad have asked of you. You can’t even get your gender right; you freak! You’re not even human. Whatever they do to you, it’s what you’re forcing them to do.

The wind rushed over her short hair as Max sped down the hill. The warm evening breeze was heavy with pine and car exhaust with hints of salt and fish, but it smelled like freedom. She pushed down the fear which weakened her limbs, stood up on the pedals, and let out a loud whoop.

You can’t ride your bike away from this.

Max threw her head back and whooped again. At that moment, it seemed like she could ride all the way to Portland. Maybe she could find one of those trans girls Chloe had mentioned. Maybe she could learn who she was.

It’s just as likely for mom and dad to love you.

The bike skidded to a stop at an intersection. For several seconds, she leaned over the handlebars, panting. There was an ache deep in her chest. Her fingers hurt.

Love… why… why don’t they love me?

You’re a mistake. Always have been. Always will be.

Max ground her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut. The pain ebbed. Her chest loosened and she could breathe. After a few more seconds, she walked the bike over to the curb. She pulled out her personal phone and flipped it open.

Max> Hey

Seconds ticked by.

She doesn’t need your shit. Just go back, let Maribel play with you, and get what you deserve. It’s safer.

She tilted the lid to close the phone.

Chloe> what up?

Max> r u busy?

Chloe> just about to blaze

An image of Chloe setting something on fire appeared before Max. She shook her head to clear the picture.

Max> can we hang out?

Chloe> fuck yeah!

Chloe> ur I mean, yes

Chloe> Where u at?

Max> I can ride over to your place

Chloe> nah. Step jerk is in a mood

Chloe> junkyard?

Max> what about the junkyard?

Chloe> meet there

Chloe> you know where?

Max> no

Chloe> oh. Hmm 1 sec

Max hopped her bike onto the sidewalk and waited. Several cars passed through the intersection.

How long before Maribel calls your mom?

Max shuddered. The phone dinged. Chloe had sent her some simple directions.

Chloe> see ya soon

Max> :)

Chloe> no emojis!!

Max laughed and the fear and anxiety faded. She looked at Chloe’s last message with a big smile. For a moment, she was tempted to send several emojis of her sticking out her tongue. Instead, she got on her bike and rode off.

Energy buzzed inside Max, pushing her toward the mysterious junkyard.

I get to spend time with Chloe!

Max wove through the streets, the wind rushing through her hair. She wanted to sing or shout but settled for standing on the pedals to better feel the wind.

She arrived at the junkyard sooner than expected. Night had fallen completely by the time she coasted to a halt next to the silhouette of Chloe’s truck. A cherry red glow hovered above the truck hood.

“Chloe?” Max said as she dismounted.

“Fuck yeah, hanging out at the junkyard,” Chloe said from the darkness.

The red glow flew off the truck to hover in front of it. Max barely made out a shadow darker than the rest. The shadow moved closer.

“Let’s hit up the hideout,” Chloe said, and the red glow disappeared.

Max put the bike helmet on the handlebar and said, “Where? I can’t see you.”

*click*

A beam of white light illuminated Max’s feet and the surrounding grasses.

“Now you can,” Chloe said. The light wobbled and flipped around. A hard, rubbery object bumped Max’s hand.

“Here,” Chloe said.

Max grabbed the flashlight and moved it around until she could see Chloe. Her friend grinned in the harsh light, one hand shielding her eyes. “Come on,” she said and turned around.

Max trailed behind, moving the light from side to side. The white beam picked out old fridges, metal containers, cardboard boxes, rusty cars, huge business signs, and many other items piled on each other. They wove a path between towering stacks until Chloe said, “Here we are.”

Chloe moved aside, holding up what looked like a curtain. Behind her was a blocky building. Inky darkness seeped through the doorway. Cautiously, Max went inside.

“I’ll start a fire,” Chloe said. “It can get fucking cold in here.”

The white beam of the flashlight showed Max many things as she swung it around. Old car seats sat in a rough semi-circle around a short, metal bin. Posters and graffiti covered the walls. Max walked around looking at everything.

Though it lacked a roof and glass in the windows, the space managed to convey a sense of comfort and safety. Max picked out pictures of Chloe, Steph, and Rachel pinned to the walls. Near the pictures someone had written “Chloe was Here, Rachel was here, Steph was here.” A black marker sat on a box nearby. Max’s fingers itched.

She grabbed the marker and wrote “Max was here” under the last entry. Just before she put the marker away, she drew a silly face with its tongue sticking out.

The crackle of fire caught Max’s attention. She turned to find Chloe kneeling by the bin, coaxing a small fire into life. Max walked over, clicked off the flashlight, and sat on an old car bench seat facing the fire. She set the flashlight beside her on the seat and watched the flames. The seat reminded Max of a minivan one of her old friends parents had when she was very young.

What was her name… Darcy?

Her name stirred thoughts to life which brought back others. Soon her head swarmed with memories she’d rather forget. Max rubbed her arms as image after image stole her warmth.

“You cold?” Chloe said.

Max glanced up, but when she tried to speak no words came out. Chloe looked down, face in shadow. The fire flickered, creating an ever shifting parade of shadows and light on Chloe and the walls. It hurt to look at so Max looked down.

What’d Chloe say?

The scenes from her past wouldn’t let go. The thoughts were next.

Mom and dad will be so happy once you’re gone.

You aren’t a girl. You aren’t even human.

Why’d you bring Chloe into this? Do you want to hurt her too?

Wait until Chloe hurts you.

You should do the world a favor and-

You could end th-

Put your hand into th-

Fucking end it already!

A stiff blanket settled around her, disrupting the flurry. Chloe tucked it behind her shoulders before sitting next to her.

“Sorry about the smell,” Chloe said.

Max stared into the fire. The blanket scratched her neck. She pulled it down so it no longer touched her skin. Her arms didn’t like it either but she tried to ignore the way it made her skin crawl.

They stared at the flames. The fire danced a brilliant life, transforming paper, brush, and wood into a glowing powder. The thoughts and memories faded into the dancing colors.

I did it… I chose something for me!

And your mo-

Who cares?! I did it! I chose… I chose ME!

Energy filled her body and she had an urge to laugh.

They can’t take the choice away from me.

They can take other things from you. And Chloe.

But I’m here with Chloe and they can’t do a single thing about it.

A metallic scrape pulled Max’s eyes from the flame. Chloe held what looked like a long, white joint in one hand and clicked a small metal box shut with the other. She tucked the box away, swapping it for a lighter.

Max watched Chloe light the joint. The end glowed as she inhaled.

The energy she’d felt earlier returned as she watched smoke stream from Chloe’s lips. Chloe took another puff, then tilted her head back. Seconds passed before she exhaled the smoke into a cloud above her.

“C-can I try?” Max whispered. She floated upon the energy.

Chloe’s smile broadened. “You sure as fuck can!”

Max poked a hand from the blanket.

Chloe held the joint out. “You ever do this before?”

Max shook her head and reached for the long, glowing thing. Her eyes were enormous. Electricity flowed through her when their fingers briefly touched.

“Take it slow,” Chloe said. “Maybe just a little hit. Don’t worry if you cough. Pretty much everyone does.”

Max nodded and took the joint. She studied it a second, a smile creeping across her face.

Mom and dad will be fucking pissed!

She put the end between her lips and inhaled, deep. The smoke filled her lungs and she passed it back to Chloe. She held the smoke in until she was forced to exhale. A cloud streamed from her mouth and nose. She rather liked that.

Then her throat and lungs burned.

She HAD to cough.

It exploded from her, bending her double.

The coughing fit ravaged her body. It wouldn’t be controlled. Spit and mucus and more dropped from her mouth. In the midst of the fit, Max twisted sideways and reached for the joint. Chloe wore a crooked smile.

“Another? You sure?” Chloe asked but didn’t block Max from taking it.

Max nodded and took another long inhale once the coughing stopped.

“Maybe smaller puffs?” Chloe said as she took back the joint.

The coughing fit hit again, longer, harder but Max didn’t care.

Fuck my parents! Fuck Maribel and Tracy and all the others and their bullshit!

She’d already rebelled against her parents by not visiting Maribel. She might as well do something she’d always wondered about, something she might be ok with getting in trouble over.

When the coughing finally stopped, she leaned back. The fit had blown all the thoughts and memories away, but it left her with a sore throat and a few body aches. The joy of making her own choice smoothed the pain.

She stared at the fire. The aches ebbed away as she watched the flames twist and dance. Reds and oranges and yellows and blues intertwined and leaped to a melody only they could hear. Little flames flickered around larger ones, wobbling to and fro until leaping into a larger flare.

I chose me! No matter what mom and dad do, I chose me.

The lights flitted across paper and wood, freeing new flaming tongues to join the dance. She giggled or maybe she didn’t. The colors called to her, reaching to touch beyond mental and emotional barriers and she welcomed them.

They weren’t the only fire, the only living color. A blue-tipped flame sat next to her. Unlike the dancing flames, this one didn’t burn to touch nor did it depend upon wood or paper to come to life.

Max blinked, finding herself leaning toward the dancing flames. The dance blurred and faded into a single conflagration. It dried her skin and made the blanket uncomfortable. She shrugged off the blanket and looked over her shoulder at the blue flame beside her.

Head leaned back, beanie on her lap, Chloe gazed at the night sky. Her hands supported her head as she studied the stars.

“You’re pretty,” Max breathed, then looked again at the fire. Energy surged in her chest and her pants tightened. Revulsion crept through her.

“What was that?”

“Huh?”

“I thought you said something.”

“Oh.”

Max leaned back and tucked her legs underneath. The flame beside her had a gravity to it, pulling her sideways. She resisted, not understanding why it existed nor why it was so powerful. “You’re pretty,” she said again.

“Yeah?” Chloe said. “Well you’re fucking pretty too.”

Sparkles filled Max’s chest, spreading through her body. They carried the energy from earlier, feeding a need she didn’t understand. Her pants were uncomfortable and wrong.

“Mmm, I want to…” What did she want? Max looked at the blanket, stared at the fire, but no words filled in the gap. She stared deeper into the fire, sure it held secrets.

A shadow moved, leaning toward the inferno. It gestured and a shape flew through the air to land among the flames. Sparks whooshed into the air with a crackle and a hiss. The shadow transformed into Chloe in the sudden light.

“You look so… snuggly,” Max said.

Chloe looked at her, a bright smile half-hidden by her shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Chloe leaned back. “Don’t think anyone’s ever called me snuggly.”

“Why not?” Max asked, blinking in confusion. “You look made to snuggle.”

“A born snuggler?”

Max snorted. “Yes, a born snuggler.” She laughed.

“Is that what you want?”

“Huh?” The laughter stopped. Max peered at Chloe. “What do y-”

“Snuggle with me then.”

“What?”

Chloe chuckled softly. “You heard me.”

She did.

She had.

But could she?

Max peered at Chloe in the dancing light, looking for any hint of mocking or disdain or trouble. There was none.

Why didn’t I tell her before that she’s pretty?

Pushing the blanket away, Max got on her knees and looked at Chloe. She swayed in the non-existent breeze. The blue-haired girl looked up at her, a half-smile inviting in the firelight. She placed her right knee on the other side of Chloe’s legs, fluffed the blanket, then leaned against her.

“Oh hello,” Chloe said. “Now that’s a fucking snuggle!”

Max sat up with enormous eyes. “Is it- did I do it wrong? Did I misund-”

Fingers touched her cheek, dancing just below her eye into her hair. “No Max,” Chloe whispered. “You got it right.”

Chloe’s eyes sparkled in the dim light. A dazzling universe hid within them. Max wanted to be set adrift among their constellations. Instead, she leaned against Chloe again. Resting her head on Chloe’s shoulder, Max closed her eyes.

Heat seeped into her front. Wood crackled and popped. The thumping of Chloe’s heart counted time.

Hands rested across her lower back, filling her with unfamiliar yet pleasant sensations. She sank into a world of softness unlike anything she’d ever experienced.

“Can I live here?” Max asked.

“In the junkyard?”

“No, silly. In your… against the what is it? I want to live-”

“In my arms?” Chloe breathed.

“Yeah! In your arms.” Max smiled and melted into Chloe. She was adrift upon a sea of stars.

The heart beat a faster tempo.

She wormed her arms between Chloe and the chair. Desire to be close to Chloe flared in her and she squeezed tightly.

Fingers traced patterns on her back.

A sparkly warmth crept into Max’s mind, soothing the last of the voices. She sighed. She wanted to be closer to Chloe, but she didn’t understand how.

“What are you doing to me?” she breathed.

The fingers stopped. “What do ya mean?”

She hadn’t meant to say the words aloud but now that she had, they seemed right, if very awkward. How to answer though?

After a while, the fingers resumed their tracing and Max again melted with a sigh. The statement and question forgotten, her mind wandered along paths created by the moment. Chloe’s chest rose and fell. Fingers created art. The fire crackled, reminding her of its vibrant life. Each was a new path branching from her reality into the unknown. She let them carry her, like a body adrift in an ethereal universe.

She sank into the emotions filling her body. They had an urgency to them, but she couldn’t understand what they wanted. She liked how they felt as they carried her along. Just like she enjoyed Chloe’s fingers tracing her back and the soft skin of Chloe’s neck which her nose touched.

“You feel good,” Max murmured. “Like a uh big marshmallow.”

“A marshmallow?” Chloe laughed. “You’ve got the biggest smile right now.”

“I do?”

Max leaned away from Chloe. The tempo increased again. Blue hair beckoned as a bright smile and mischievous eyes pulled her in. Wriggling fingers reached towards the hair then stopped.

“Can I… can I play with your um your head… what is that your head strings?” She asked, suddenly timid but feeling wonderful.

Chloe laughed. “My head strings?”

“It’s not really string but it looks so so…” Max waved her fingers around, fluttering them in the air.

Chloe laughed. “Girl, are you on weed or shrooms? Sure, you can play with my ‘head strings’ if I can play with yours.”

“I have head strings?” Max looked up, then around, but didn’t see anything.

“Goddess you’re so fucking adorable,” Chloe breathed.

Max looked at eyes shining bright with the possibilities of the Universe. “And you’re fucking pretty like the colors of the wind.”

With a snort, Chloe said, “What? Am I fucking Pocahontas now?”

Max shook her head. “No. You’re the crisp morning wind which brings memories of hot chocolate and warm fires; the cool sea breeze which refreshes in the heat of summer; the autumn gust swirling leaves of gold, red, and orange along the forest floor.” Max swayed while she spoke, her hands weaving through the air in an intricate dance. “And when you listen, like really really listen, you can hear them sing.”

“Damn, girl,” Chloe said. “No one’s ever said shit like that about me.”

Max smiled at Chloe. “Cuz they’re not really looking at you. They don’t see that you’re full of stars.”

“Oh. My. God.” Chloe looked at her with huge eyes.

“Beautiful, wonderful stars,” Max said and her fingers traced the edge of Chloe’s face.

An indescribable look swept across Chloe’s face. “You gonna play with my head strings?”

Max giggled. “Yes. Your head strings.” The giggle continued as her fingers walked up Chloe’s cheeks, her temples, to slide into her hair. Air escaped in a rush when electricity shot up her fingers into her mind.

Gravity pulled her against Chloe and she stopped resisting. The tempo changed into an allegro as she snuggled against her, one hand playing with Chloe’s hair.

“I like this,” Max breathed, soothing the tempo into an adagio.

Chloe leaned her head against Max’s. “Yeah?” She said. “Like playing with my head strings?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, I wanna kiss you right now.”

Kiss… me? Huh?

Max’s fingers stopped moving. The tempo maintained its pace but another joined in, staccato, presto. Conflicting thoughts paralyzed her. Seconds passed before she understood it was her heart which beat at the quickened pace.

What’s that mean? Do I want her to kiss me? Do I want to kiss her? But what about Kate?

The thought flitted in and out of her mind. It sparked memories of the days working at the food bank with Kate. The way her eyes sparkled when she was happy. Her patience with teaching Max how to do the job. How she worked so hard for people to feel safe in her presence. The way she smelled like fruit and sunshine.

It was confusing.

“You do?” Max said, her fingers lost in Chloe’s hair.

The hands on her back were warm, heavy, comforting. They slid down to rest on her hips.

“Yeah.” Chloe’s voice was husky, laden with emotions Max couldn’t understand.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” Max said, shame dripping from her words.

Liar! Maribel? Tracey? The others?

“Anyone I’ve liked anyways,” she added.

They kissed me.

“Damn, putting the pressure on me,” Chloe said. “The first person to kiss Max Caulfield!”

“That’s not funny,” Max said and let her hand fall to Chloe’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Chloe said, “I was trying to make you feel safe.”

“Oh. Well…” Max leaned away again, her body longing for the feel of Chloe’s, her blissful heat when they separated. She looked down. “Maybe… I’m used to people saying things like that in… hurtful ways. Maybe… I need to learn how you mean them instead of how others mean it.”

Fingers traced her cheek just below her eye. “You are such a powerful girl,” Chloe whispered.

Max shook her head. “I’m not,” she said, looking away.

“Not what?”

But Max wouldn’t answer. She moved back to sitting next to Chloe, wrapped in the blanket, against Chloe’s protests.

“I’m sorry, Max,“ said Chloe.

Max stared at the flames. Chloe tossed something on it which sent up another spray of sparks. They took her along on their flight into the sky in their twisting journey.

“This is all confusing,” Max said. “You’re one of the most interesting people I’ve met but I find you confusing which makes you more interesting and I just I just I just… want to understand what’s going on.”

“Can I help?”

“How?”

“How do I confuse you?”

Max thought a while, eyes once again watching the flames dance. “I… don’t have a lot of experience with having friends… at least ones I trust.”

Chloe made a sound Max couldn’t understand.

“And I haven’t… hung out with a girl since I was… 10 I think? So I don’t know if what I feel is how friends are supposed to feel?”

The latest chunk of wood Chloe had tossed on the fire fell through a burned out branch, hitting the bottom with a clunk.

“Well what do ya feel?”

“I think about you a lot and when I’m with you, I don’t want you to go away. I… I like touching you and just being with you even though I’m scared most of the time but I’m also happy and tonight there’s all these other feelings just exploding inside me and they want me to do something but I don’t know what!”

“Damn, that does sound confusing.”

Max locked her hands between her knees before whispering, “and it’s the same for Kate.”

Chloe whistled softly. “Kate? Kate Marsh?”

Max nodded.

“Does she know?”

With a vigorous shake of her head, Max said, “N-no. Please don’t tell her!”

“Why would I tell her?”

“I dunno. I’m just not used to people… wait! Why aren’t you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Because I just told you I’ve got feelings for you and another girl. Shouldn’t that… I don’t know make you jealous or something?”

“Max,” Chloe said tenderly. “I’m not jealous. I think it’s great you have feelings for me and Kate.”

Max pressed her knees together harder. Pain shot up her arms.

Chloe placed a hand on her arm. “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Max looked at her startled.

Chloe’s hand moved to Max’s knees. “Your knuckles popped and I could swear you whimpered.”

Max lowered her head so Chloe couldn’t see it. She wanted to hide under the blanket.

“I’m… screwing up being a human,” she mumbled. “and… and… I should…”

Chloe nudged her shoulder with hers. “This is all new for you, ya?”

Max nodded with a whispered, “Yes.”

“Cut yourself some slack, girl,” Chloe warmly said. “You’re learning, which is fucking hard! Let’s keep things simple. You like being with me, right?”

“Y-yes.”

“You liked touching me? Playing with my… head strings?” Chloe chuckled.

Max smiled. “Uh-huh.”

“When I said I wanted to kiss you, did you want me to?”

“I…”

“Ignore for now that you got feelings for Kate. Did you want me to kiss you?”

“Yes but-”

“None of that,” Chloe said. “Focus on what you want, not on whatever makes you doubt. You wanted me to kiss you, right?”

“Y-yes.”

“Is there anything else you want to do?”

“I… I don’t know,” Max mumbled. “I… don’t really think that way.”

“What do ya mean?”

“When I think of you… or Kate… I only think of how nice it is to be with you, to talk and laugh, and to just… exist. How… safe you are.”

“So… no thoughts of kissing or touching or… maybe what I’d look like naked?”

Max gasped. “No! I’d never!”

“Huh?! Why not?”

“B-because that’s wrong! You… haven’t given me permission.”

“Huh. Ok, fair enough.”

“There is… something I think about.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

Max squirmed. “We… already did it.”

“What? Sit next to each other?”

“No… snuggle,” Max whispered, her voice almost lost in the fire’s crackle.

“Snuggle,” Chloe mused.

“Yeah,” Max hurriedly added. “I’ve thought about holding you or you holding me and how good it might be. And I’ve wondered the same about Kate.”

“Was it?”

“Yes.”

“Then come here.” Chloe beckoned with an arm.

“Huh?”

“I fucking love a good cuddle,” Chloe said.

“B-but I… I don’t know if I can do more… you want more…”

“Sure, but I can also take things slow.”

“Slow?”

“Max, I’ve wanted to kiss you for fucking weeks now.”

“You have?!”

“Umm, yeah. I’ve been fucking crushing on you hard. I’m surprised Rachel and Steph haven’t made it obvious.”

“Oh… so you were already… taking it slow?”

“Yep but now I fucking know you like me too and it feels so fucking good!”

Max looked at Chloe with a mixture of astonishment and confusion. She could barely believe what she just heard.

“It makes you feel good? My liking you makes you feel good?” Despite her calm voice, she was flooded with a need to cry. She blinked rapidly.

“I’m totally buzzing inside right now,” Chloe said with a bright smile.

It was hard to swallow, let alone see. Max didn’t know what to say, except she was able to choke out, “What about Kate?”

“We’ll worry about that later,” Chloe said with a wave of a hand. “Now, are you gonna sit on my lap or what?”

With an uncertain smile, Max timidly unwrapped herself from the blanket. Instead of straddling Chloe like before, she sat sideways on her lap and leaned into her. Chloe tucked the blanket around them before sliding her arms around her.

Max sighed and rested her head against Chloe’s shoulder. The smooth skin of Chloe’s neck was there; it was right there! If she wanted, she could lean in a little and kiss it.

I need to ask her first. I wonder what she tastes like?

But she didn’t try. Instead, she closed her eyes and let herself drift with the moment.

Chloe’s hand rested on her hip. Its weight and presence were a connection to another life, another world.

I can’t believe I told Chloe she’s pretty! And she didn’t laugh at me. And, I’m sitting on her lap! I don’t know what this is but I like it. Is this… what I want to do with Kate? Isn’t it wrong for me to like multiple people?

Doesn’t mom like multiple people? There’s dad and- ugh I’d rather not compare myself with her.

Wait! Didn’t Steph tell me something the other day… they’re all girlfriends?

“You cold?” Chloe asked.

Max opened her eyes. “No. I’m feeling great!”

“Ok. You shivered and I got worried.”

“Oh.” Max curled her fingers opened and closed where they rested on Chloe’s chest. “Just trying to understand liking two girls at the same time.”

“It’s pretty fucking cool, if you ask me,” Chloe said.

It was hard to see Chloe’s face while leaning her head against Chloe’s shoulder. But she also didn’t want to move. “You have two girlfriends, right?” Max said cautiously.

“Uh huh, Steph and Rachel,” said Chloe.

“H-how?” Max said, her voice a timid whisper in the night.

“How… what?”

Max braced herself and said, “I… don’t understand how it’d work, liking multiple girls, having multiple girlfriends.”

Chloe didn’t answer right away. Her fingers drummed a beat on Max’s hip.

“Well, it takes a shit ton of honesty,” Chloe said. “What you want. What they want. And everyone’s gotta be in the know and ok with it. Without consent, honesty, and talking it’ll blow up fast.”

“It sounds hard,” Max said and tried not to think about how much about herself she couldn’t share with others.

“The hardest part is figuring yourself out,” said Chloe.

Max’s heart sank. “I don’t even know who or what I am,” she said dejectedly.

“You will,” Chloe said with a confidence that eluded Max.

Max shook her head. “I doubt it.”

“Just takes time,” Chloe said.

Max remained silent. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift with the air. What Chloe said made sense but also didn’t.

Multiple… girlfriends? Is that what I want? Do I want Chloe to be my girlfriend? Is that how I like her?

Does that mean I want to have sex with her? If I do, why don’t I ever think about having sex with her? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with people you’re attracted to?

She’s pretty but I don’t think about her being naked or what her boobs look like or anything like that. Why don’t I? Does that mean I don’t like her like that? Or is it just another way I’m broken?

I don’t think that way about Kate either. What’s wrong with me?!

She angled her head to look at Chloe. Fingers moved idly on her hip.

“Can I kiss you?” Max asked, completely surprising herself. “I mean on the cheek! Can I kiss you on the cheek?”

“Can I kiss your cheek?”

“Umm… yeah?”

“Are you sure?”

Max closed her eyes and clenched a hand. “If you let me kiss your cheek, why do you need permission to kiss mine?”

“That’s not how consent works, Max.”

“Oh.”

“Do people just take whatever they want from you?” Chloe said cautiously.

Immediately, the other night with Maribel popped into Max’s head. Maribel wasn’t the first person to take things from her without asking, without consent. Especially not the first to take something even when Max said no or fought back.

“Yes,” Max said in a broken whisper.

“I’m sorry. That’s so fucked up.”

“I… guess.”

“Not how it should be with us, or you and Kate either.”

“Ok.”

“So now, what do you want?”

An idea formed and with it an urge to act on it. Max sat up and switched her legs so she was again straddling Chloe’s lap. A warm smile greeted her when she looked at Chloe.

“What’s this?” Chloe said as she gazed up at Max.

Max looked down, a smile lighting up her face. “I want to kiss you,” she whispered. “On the cheek. And you can kiss mine.”

Chloe nodded. “Fuck yeah,” she said and turned her head to the side.

Max looked at her smooth skin, just inches away. Before the sudden confidence could flee, she leaned forward and brushed her lips against Chloe’s cheek.

Her insides jumbled together.

Someone gasped.

Chloe’s lips pressed against her cheek and Max forgot how to breathe.

Stars glittered in Chloe’s eyes when she leaned back and the Universe sang. Electricity swept through Max, filling her with a pressure which made her chest want to explode. The sensation was entirely too big to know, let alone contain. Fingers touched her cheek, savoring the lingering warmth of Chloe’s lips. Several seconds passed before Max realized they were her fingers.

“Like it?” Chloe said with a twinkle and a smile.

“I…” Words simply wouldn’t form.

Max looked at Chloe and her eyes flicked down. Smiling lips beckoned. Eyes flicked up to meet Chloe’s gaze.

That’s… that’s what she’s been doing!

“Can… I touch your cheek?” Max asked timidly.

“Yes,” Chloe said with a knowing smile.

Max placed her finger tips lightly on Chloe’s jaw. Warm skin greeted them. They slid up toward Chloe’s hair until the palm rested against Chloe’s cheek.

“Can I touch yours?” Chloe asked. Max nodded.

Fingers slid along her jaw, up her cheek, until a palm rested against her. She leaned into it with a gentle sigh.

[Green eyes flashed.

A hungry smile leered.

Hands ignored her pleas.]

Max bolted upright with a strangled gasp. Hungry, yearning fingers slid from her cheek to fall onto her lap. Max jumped up. She had to get away!

“You ok?” Chloe asked.

She stared at Chloe, panting, head clouded by memories. Revulsion rippled up and down her body. A wrongness surged from within and threatened to explode all over Chloe.

This was a mistake.

A finger touched her hand and Max leaped back with a shriek. She trembled and clutched herself in her shame.

I’m the mistake.

“Fuck,” Chloe said, “what’s going on?”

“I…” but Max couldn’t answer, couldn’t even focus on Chloe. Her gaze flitted here and there as words scattered.

She wasn’t at the junkyard anymore but in a place whose memories wouldn’t surface. A dark place that consumed her soul.

[Hands slid up her thighs. Voices whispered in her ears. She couldn’t understand them but they fed the wrongness.]

“Max?”

Go away.

“No.”

She was stained, broken, ruined; an evil which shouldn’t be tolerated.

Max struggled against the memories, against the way they smothered the good moment she’d had with Chloe. But it was like stopping a wave with a popsicle stick.

“Get away,” she murmured.

[Her wrists were bound. She flapped her hands in protest.]

“What’s going on?”

A hand touched her elbow, and she knocked it away.

[Hands slid up her calves, her thighs.]

“No,” she whimpered. “No.”

[They slid where they didn’t belong.]

“No no please no STOP!”

“Max, it’s Chloe.”

“No no no no no no!”

“You’re gonna hurt yourself. Can you look at me?”

But how could she look at her? How could she let her see the shame in her eyes?

“It’s Chloe,” Max said through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Chloe said.

But it was green eyes crinkled in a hungry smile. It was teeth gleaming in the darkness. Lips kissing where they weren’t welcome. Fingers pinching her, caressing her where they didn’t belong. Laughter met her protests and pain, her struggle.

“No,” she cried, begged really.

Fear strangled her throat. She thrashed back and forth, trying to knock the hands away.

“I don’t want this!”

Bands encircled her chest, squeezing life and air from her. She gasped for breath.

“Please stop!”

Her skin burned, clothes stripped from her, betraying her secrets, her shamefulness.

“Stop!”

She twisted and turned, trying to evade the seeking hands, the lips thirsty to drink.

[Brown eyes gleamed with a fell light. A rough hand grabbed her neck, squeezing, squeezing, always squeezing! Another hand slapped her face, pummeled her body. A twisted smile, a gloating voice, filled her mind.]

“Please stop,” Max whimpered. “Please stop I don’t want this I don’t I don’t I don’t…”

They wouldn’t stop. The more she protested, the worse they became.

Hands, lips, and more explored where they shouldn’t. Bit by bit, they stole her will, her consciousness, her self until nothing survived. They violated even the safety of unconsciousness, drowning her with memories of times past. She slipped screaming into the darkness.

A crackle and pop made her jerk. Cold stabbed her body and she shivered.

Max opened her eyes to a dark world lit by flickering yellows, oranges, and reds. Warmth pressed against her back but her sides were cold.

Max licked her lips as the pressure and form of a body tucked into hers invoked terror.

It’s Chloe.

Slowly, Max pushed herself up, fighting the urge to run away and scream.

“Max, you ok?”

You know what she really wants. Why do you think she was pressed against you? The whole fucking reason she brought you to this place. Away from fucking everyone.

Max turned around. Chloe lay stretched out and head propped up by a hand. She looked at Max with unreadable eyes. Her lips moved but if she spoke, Max couldn’t hear.

Do what you’re supposed to. What she expects.

With trembling hands, Max grabbed the hem of her shirt.

What are you doing?! Chloe isn’t like that! It’s not what she wants!

But how could those thoughts win against years of experience?

Max lifted her shirt.

“What are you doing?!” Chloe said.

“Giving you what you want,” Max said distantly.

A hand stopped hers. A gentle pressure caused her to lower the shirt until she could see Chloe. Her eyes shone in the night, flames dancing their reflections in the blue depths.

“That’s not what I want,” Chloe said, voice tight and raspy. “Not at all. Why the fuck would you just start taking your clothes off?”

Max shrugged awkwardly, her arms caught by the shirt. “It’s what’s expected,” she said.

“Who the fuck expects that?” Chloe demanded.

“Everyone,” said Max matter-of-factly.

“Who the fuck is everyone?!” Chloe said harshly, then inhaled sharply. “Max,” she said in a gentler tone. “Remember that shit about consent?”

“I don’t deserve consent,” Max said bitterly.

“The fuck?!” said Chloe in confusion. “Everyone deserves consent.”

“What the hell’s consent good for if it’s just ignored?!” Max shouted. She shoved her shirt down, freeing her arms.

Chloe’s eyes flew wide. She opened her mouth but Max spoke first.

“They’re just gonna take take take take,” Max shouted. “It’s all they ever do. All I’m ever good for. And words… words won’t stop them. It just… it just makes it worse.” Her voice devolved into a broken sob and she bent over, hands covering her face.

“It’s worse… it’s always worse.”

Max’s arms itched and burned. They demanded attention. She couldn’t do it, not with Chloe present.

“Hurt me,” she begged. “Please.”

“What? No,” Chloe said firmly.

Max looked up at Chloe. “Please, I need you to hurt me,” she pleaded.

Chloe reached toward her but hesitated. “Max,” she said, “I’m not gonna hurt you. Who’s doing this to you?”

Max raised her arms toward Chloe, hands clenched into fists. She exposed her inner arms. “Please,” she whimpered. “I deserve it!”

Chloe shook her head.

“HURT ME! PLEASE!”

“This is fucked up,” Chloe said. “Whatever they’re doing to you-”

Her words faded into static. Max dropped her arms, then bent over.

If Chloe won’t help…

No!

The scratchy blanket covered her. She pulled it over her head and sank into the destructive thoughts looping through her head.

I can’t even touch a girl I like without…

Why would you even do that? Chloe’s good and you’re not!

But I-

Maybe you shouldn’t try touching anyone at all! You ever think of that you disgusting piece of shit?

Why am I even alive?

To be hurt. To be in pain. It’s the only thing you’re good for and all you can bring to others.

“I should go,” Max whispered lifelessly.

Scrapes sounded around her but Chloe didn’t speak.

Do I deserve any happiness? Any good things?

No.

The lighthouse bluff filled her minds eye. Far below, waves crashed against its base. Come home, they called.

“Where will you go?” Chloe finally said.

Max sat up, letting the blanket tumble to the ground. The cool night air made her shiver. “Home,” she said without looking at Chloe. She couldn’t look at her.

“I’m worried about you,” Chloe said.

Max shook her head slowly. “Don’t… I’m not worth it.”

“Max-”

“Chloe, I’m not,” Max said with vehemence. “I’m not worth it! I’m not… I’m not worth anything and you’re just wasting your time and feelings on me.”

“Don’t push me away,” Chloe said. “Talk to me! What’s going on?”

But Max didn’t answer. At least not right away. She stood up and turned away from Chloe, away from the friendship and care she didn’t deserve. “You tried,” she said hollowly. “That’s more than… than I think anyone ever has, but I’m not worth it. You have good friends like Steph and Rachel who deserve you.”

Chloe sprang to her feet. “Don’t do this! Please!”

Max shook her head and walked around the fire. She couldn’t even feel the heat anymore.

I thought I could be… normal.

Laughter echoed in her head and her heart sank.

Normal? You?!

At least I stopped myself before I hurt Chloe too much and before… before I could hurt Kate.

Chloe followed her into the junkyard. The darkness was a welcome change, making the outside match her insides.

No good.

Max trudged toward her bike propped next to Chloe’s truck. Chloe walked beside her in silence. When she climbed onto her bike, Chloe grabbed the handlebar.

Maribel would know what to do with you.

“Where are you going?”

The lighthouse.

Max looked to the side, wishing the darkness would swallow her, or at least give her words to speak. “H-h…” She couldn’t say it, couldn’t lie to Chloe.

“Max please,” Chloe pleaded. “Will you be safe?”

Safe? Safe?!

“I…” Tears pricked Max’s eyes.

“Come home with me or at least let me drive you somewhere,” Chloe said. “I don’t want you to be alone right now.”

“I’ve never felt safe,” Max said hoarsely to the shadows. “My earliest memory is is…” She wiped her eyes as her throat tightened. “Do you know what it’s like to be 3 years old and realize you’re different and that different is bad? To know you’re alone and and… even your parents…”

Max tried to get off the bike but her foot caught on the rail and she toppled over. Pain exploded in her knees, legs, hands, as she and the bike slammed into the ground. She screamed.

Arms pulled her from the bike. She kept screaming. Next came the fists, beating at her head as if she could beat herself into being normal, acceptable, good.

“I’m fucking useless!” she screamed.

Hands caught hers, holding them tight. She struggled with all her feeble strength until she collapsed against a body.

“You’re not useless,” Chloe whispered and tightened her arms around Max.

“I am,” Max spat. “You just-”

“No,” Chloe said firmly. “You’re not useless. I see an amazing person, a great photographer, a good friend, a person who cares about others even when she’s in so much fucking pain.”

Max bit back the scathing retort which sprang to mind. Chloe just didn’t know, didn’t really see her. Not like she saw herself. Not like mom and dad and everyone else saw her.

Instead, she said, “I wish I could believe you.”

“One day, you will,” Chloe said.

Max shook her head.

They sat in the cold dark with only each other for warmth. Overhead, stars glittered in the night. One streaked across the sky.

“Did you miss your curfew?” Chloe asked.

“No… mom and dad won’t expect me until morning.” Unless Maribel calls them.

Max shuddered.

You’re beyond fucked.

“Stay with me, then,” Chloe said. “And if it’s too much to sleep in the same bed as me, I’ll sleep on the floor-”

It’ll almost be like sleeping with Tracey.

Max shuddered again. “I can’t,” she said.

“Will y-”

With a shake of her head, Max said, “I’m not… not ready to sleep at your house or… in your bed even if you aren’t in it.”

Even though I really want to.

You could show her all the tricks Tracey and Colette taught you.

Max gritted her teeth, screwed her eyes shut, and tried not to sob.

“What if we slept here?” Chloe said.

Opening her eyes, Max looked at Chloe. “On the ground? In the open?”

With a shrug Max could barely see, Chloe said, “why not? Or, we could drive to my house quick and get a tent and sleeping bags.”

“Camping,” Max whispered. “I haven’t been camping in…”

Chloe said, “Let’s do it then!”

Max contemplated her options. If she went home, she’d be discovered. There was no way in hell she’d go to the Chase’s. Despite her earlier words, she didn’t want to be alone. The lighthouse called to her. “Ok,” she said. “Let’s camp.”

“Cool,” Chloe said. “Let’s get you and your bike in the truck.”

Max nodded and struggled to her feet. Her left leg throbbed where the bike had slammed into it. Chloe picked up the bike and they walked it to the truck. While Chloe swung it into the bed, Max walked around and got into the passenger side.

The driver door opened. “I gotta put out the fire then we can go,” Chloe said. “You gonna be ok by yourself for a few minutes?”

“Yeah,” Max said with a nod.

“Ok. I’ll be back soon.”

Chloe gently pushed the door shut and disappeared into the night. Max tucked her hands between her legs and tried to block out the intrusive thoughts which continued to flood her mind.

You shouldn’t be with her. You’re not good enough for her.

Sure, you won’t sleep with Maribel but it’s ok to sleep with Chloe?

You’re just a useless freak.

You’re just Chloe’s pity project.

She tensed her body, trying to prevent more tears.

Fucking cry baby. You think you have it bad? Chloe’s a good person and her step-dad hits her! HITS HER! You aren’t good at all. No wonder your parents treat you like less than shit.

The truck door opened and Chloe slid onto the driver’s seat. The truck started with its usual roar which jumbled Max’s nerves. It also scattered the thoughts.

They left the junkyard and the thoughts caught up to her. It seemed no matter what she did, Max couldn’t escape them. They haunted her, lurking at the edge of existence for the next chance to attack.

The truck eased to a stop in front of Chloe’s house. The engine shut off and Chloe glanced at her phone. “Huh,” she said. “David’s not home. At least that’s one problem taken care of. Do you want to stay out here or come help me get the camping shit?”

Max looked around the darkened neighborhood. “Stay in here,” she whispered.

A hand briefly squeezed hers. When she looked over, Chloe smiled. “I won’t be long,” she said. “Hang in there.”

Chloe left the truck, and Max stared out into the night.

I wonder what mom and dad will do to you for skipping out on Maribel and the party yesterday. Maybe put the diner on the market? Give you to Maribel like they did with Tracey? Maybe they’ll cut your allowance. Again.

Max studied her feet. She wiggled her toes.

I hope Socks is ok. I didn’t really get to play with her today. Poor baby.

Should I tell Chloe about the diner? But then she’d hate me for Joyce losing her job because I can’t fucking do anything right!

She’s going to hate you no matter what.

I… I deserve her hatred.

The truck creaked and swayed. Max looked up. No one was there. It creaked again and then bounced. When she looked through the rear window, she saw Chloe walking toward the now open garage. She returned to studying her feet.

The constant stream of thoughts kept her unpleasant company. The minutes ticked by. She shrank into herself. A car turned onto the street and drove slowly by. Max lowered her head and closed her eyes.

The door opened and the truck shifted as someone got in. Max shrank even more.

Someone touched her arm. “You ok?” Chloe asked.

“I don’t know,” Max said. Except no words came out, just a sound like a dying hiccup.

Silence filled the cab like an approaching fist.

“Do you need a hug?”

Max nodded.

The seat shifted and Chloe was next to her. An arm slid around her shoulder, and Max let herself be pulled against Chloe.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into Chloe’s shirt.

Chloe rubbed her shoulder. “Don’t be,” she said. “We all need hugs sometimes.”

They drove back to the junkyard in silence. The stream of negative thoughts slowed to a trickle.

Chloe parked the truck, gave Max a smile, and they exited into the cool night air. Max shivered after the warmth of the cab.

“Grab the pack and a sleeping bag,” Chloe said from the end of the truck.

Max nodded and walked to the tailgate where she reached in and grabbed the items.

“Hey, you ok wearing something on your head?” Chloe said.

“Like what?”

Chloe chuckled. “I should’ve led with that. I got one of those headband lights, and I thought you might like to use it.”

“I guess.”

Chloe stepped close and slipped something over Max’s head. “Ugh, it’s a little tight,” Max said, her fingers flicking at her sides.

Chloe made a few adjustments, then turned on the light. She stepped back in her easy way. “What do you think?”

Max turned her head and the light beam immediately lit up wherever she looked. The box on her forehead felt strange but tolerable. Especially since she now had light. For a few seconds, she turned her head in different directions, sometimes quickly other times slowly.

A delighted laugh echoed softly in the night. Max looked at Chloe who immediately shielded her eyes. The light picked out the hint of a smile. “Why are you laughing?” Max said.

“Because you’re fucking adorable,” Chloe said warmly. “Now, come on. Let’s get camp setup!”

She called me adorable!

An adorable mistake.

Max followed Chloe through the junkyard. It was a lot easier with the light on her head.

They arrived at the block building and Chloe pointed to the side with her flashlight. “That’s a good spot,” she said and set down her bundles.

Max put the pack and sleeping bag next to them. “Have you camped here before?” she said.

Chloe didn’t answer. Her focus was on the tent. Between the two of them, it took only a few minutes to setup. Chloe set the sleeping bags and packs inside, then stood up and brushed off her knees.

“Yeah, I camped here a few times,” Chloe said. “The second time I ran away from home, I lived here.”

Max looked at Chloe in amazement. “You… ran away from home more than once?”

Chloe nodded and looked at her, then squinted against the light. “A few times,” she said. “Like I said, life was shit after my dad died.”

Max stepped closer, wanting to do something but she didn’t know what. “And it’s not much better is it?”

Chloe looked at Max a few seconds before saying, “There’s that fucking empathy again.” She shook her head and smiled.

“Girl,” Chloe said, and Max’s insides sparkled. “Life sucks but it’s not all bad. I’ve got good friends like Rachel and Steph. And you.”

“Oh.”

Stupid stupid stupid!

“Y-you should know something,” Max said and turned away from Chloe.

“Oh, what’s that?”

Max took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know what’ll happen tomorrow, after my parents find out I… didn’t do what they wanted, but this might be the last time I’ll see you.”

“Wait! What the fuck?!” Chloe stepped in front of Max, shielding her eyes from the light. “What do you mean ‘the last time’? They’re not gonna like… send you away are they?”

Max shrugged. “I don’t know what they’ll do,” she whispered, voice quivering. “I haven’t crossed them like this since I was little.”

“What did they do then?”

Max didn’t answer. She rubbed her arms briskly, gazed fixed on nothing.

“I’m sorry,” Chloe whispered.

Max nodded. “It’s not your fault,” she whispered.

Chloe stepped closer but Max pulled away.

A storm raged in Max’s head. Thoughts taunting, tormenting with visions borne of lived experience and imagination.

“Whatever your parents do, we’ll figure it out,” Chloe said warmly.

Max shook her head. “You don’t know my parents,” she said dismally.

“True,” Chloe said with a nod. “But I’m not gonna sit by while my friend gets shit on by her parents.”

Again, Max shook her head. “The best thing for you,” she said distantly. “Is to stay away from me. Don’t get trapped by them.”

Like a certain diner.

Max swayed and almost collapsed. She stumbled a few steps away.

A hand on her shoulders steadied her. “Max,” Chloe said. “Let me help.”

She looked at Chloe, trying to see past the memories and invasive thoughts. “You can’t,” she said, lost, hollow. “not with this. Not against… them. And I don’t want them to hurt you.” More than I already have. “Besides, you’re already helping by being nice to me.”

Chloe looked at Max, her brow furrowed and lips pursed. After a few seconds, Max looked away. Her face burned. She heard Chloe take a few deep breathes.

“I don’t fucking like it,” Chloe said. “But I hear ya. My offer stands if you change your mind.”

Max nodded and continued to stare into the night. Chloe’s hands fell away. Her shoulders got cold.

“Hey, Max,” Chloe said light-heartedly, “how does a dog stop a video?”

Max looked at Chloe, confused. “Huh?”

With a gentle smile, Chloe said, “A dog. How does a dog stop a video playing?”

With tilted head and furrowed brown, Max said, “It… barks?”

“Nah, it uses the paws button,” Chloe said with a big grin.

Max groaned. “Why?” She playfully complained. “Why do I fall for your corny jokes every time?”

“Because you like them.”

Max snorted. “Ok, you got me there.”

Still smiling, Chloe ducked into the tent and Max followed. Chloe suspended a flashlight from a hook in the center of the tent, then dug into the packs. “I’ve got snacks, toilet stuff, and a night shirt for you if you want it.”

Oh! How will I change into it?

Max cautiously accepted the shirt. Before she could say anything, Chloe said, “while you change, I gotta pee.” She held up a roll of toilet paper and a small bottle of hand sanitizer, then exited the tent.

For a few seconds, Max sat in the tent without moving. Chloe’s footsteps faded into the distance. She shook out the shirt and looked at it.

Weird. Why does she have a u-haul shirt? Is there even a u-haul place in town?

She traced the outline of the truck.

I’m going to sleep next to a girl. In a tent.

The hair on her arms stood up and she shivered.

I wish… I wasn’t such a fuck up… that I knew what I was feeling about her. Why can’t I be normal?

When Chloe returned, Max was already in a sleeping bag. The headband lay on the ground next to her with the light off. Chloe flicked the flashlight over her then reattached it to the hook.

“Looking pretty cozy there,” Chloe said. She kneeled at the foot of her sleeping bag, then fell onto her hands. She crawled forward until her eyes were close to Max who watched her with enormous eyes.

“Meow,” Chloe said in the silliest imitation of a cat Max had ever heard. “Meeeeeooooow.”

Max couldn’t help laughing. Her arms and body relaxed and she slapped a hand over her mouth.

“Rwor,” Chloe said and playfully swiped at the air with curved fingers. “This kitty’s gonna pounce on this cute mouse!”

The fingers hovered over Max, wiggling playfully.

“Oh no you don’t,” Max said and pulled the sleeping bag over her head. Giggles filtered through the material.

“I see you, Maxie Mouse,” Chloe said, voice muffled by the bag. Max pictured Chloe reaching toward her with her wiggling fingers and laughed even more.

“Stop! Don’t!” Max flipped the sleeping bag down quickly, knocking Chloe’s hand to the bag.

Chloe made a silly death sound as her hand flopped on the bag. “Oh no,” she cried. “The mouse has killed the paw! Now how’ll the cat get the mouse?”

“She could try asking,” Max said. In her excitement, she’d drawn her knees up to her chest.

“Hmmm,” said Chloe. “Mouse is a little ball. Perhaps one to roll around.”

With a grin, Max said, “How will you roll the ball when you’re missing a paw?”

Chloe smiled impishly, then butted Max’s legs with her head. Max laughed. “What are you doing?”

“Playing,” Chloe said, then butted her legs again.

Max laughed and pushed at Chloe’s head. Chloe pushed back harder. Max shrieked with laugher as Chloe rolled her onto her back.

“Mrowr,” Chloe said and sat up. With the back of her hand, she flicked hair from her eyes. Then, she stretched out next to Max, atop her sleeping bag. The index and middle fingers of her left hand walked toward Max.

“How’s Max feeling now?” Chloe said in a pipsqueak voice.

Max looked at Chloe, then walked the fingers of her right hand to Chloe’s. “She’s doing much better,” she said in a similar voice.

“Well then,” Chloe squeaked. “Could this kitty get the mouse? Please?”

Max giggled. “Sure,” she said. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” said Chloe in her regular voice. “That I want to tickle you but not sure if I should.”

“Yeah no,” said Max with huge eyes.

Chloe gave her a gentle smile. “Can I hold you?”

Max stared at Chloe. The suspended flashlight bathed everything in harsh, white light. Max walked her hand over to Chloe and touched her fingertips to her cheek. “Is this ok?”

Chloe nodded.

Max traced the side of Chloe’s face. Along the jaw, over the temple, along the brows. “You’re so… different,” she breathed. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“Is that a… good different?” Chloe asked and scooted closer.

“I… think so.” Max fingers slid down Chloe’s nose to land on her lips, which she lightly traced.

I really want to kiss her.

The thought made her skin crawl and a pit of sadness and shame opened inside. Quickly, she put her hands over her face and rolled over.

“Max?”

Max shook her head.

I can’t… I can’t even with someone I think I like! I’m broken!

“I’m sorry,” Max whispered through her hands. “I’m just… just broken.”

A hand briefly rested on her shoulder. “Then let me help heal you,” Chloe whispered.

Max flipped the sleeping bag over herself and zipped it up. She stared a few seconds at the tent wall. It billowed in and out, as if breathing.

“You can hold me,” she said, her voice quivering and fragile.

“You sure?”

Max nodded. “Yes, I’m sure.”

The tent was filled with the sound of fabric rubbing together. A body pressed against Max’s back and legs. An arm slid over her waist. Its hand sought one of hers to hold. She tensed.

It’s Chloe’s arm. It’s Chloe’s arm.

Warm air flowed down her neck, under her sleep shirt. Memories of hands, grasping, tearing, choking crowded her mind.

It’s Chloe.

Max’s skin crawled. She shivered.

[Her wrists were held in an iron grip. It stretched her arms above her head.]

Chloe’s not doing those things!

[Lips nibbled her neck, her shoulders. Hands roughly grabbed her thighs, pinching, stroking, spreading.]

Fingers tenderly traced a pattern on the back of her hand.

I don’t want this! Go away!

Max squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to whimper or cry. Her focus shifted to what was in the present: Chloe’s warmth, the smell of weed, smoke, and cigarettes.

“It’s just us,” Chloe whispered. “No one who wants to hurt you is here.

“They don’t have to be here to hurt me,” Max said, her voice crumbling into shattered dreams.

Chloe’s arm squeezed her. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do this to me.”

Chloe shifted and Max tensed even more. “You want me to move?” Chloe said.

Think about cuddling with Chloe earlier, how that felt, the way her skin was warm and soft.

“No,” Max said, hope flickering to life. “I can do this. Want to do this.”

Max slipped her hand from Chloe’s. She traced each of Chloe’s fingers with a fingertip. She fought to stay in the moment, in a space of pleasant memories and comforting reality, instead of the living nightmare filling her thoughts. Gradually, the memories loosed their hold. The tension fled. Max rested her hand on Chloe’s and smiled.

“Can I hold your hand?” she said timidly.

“You already are.”

“Oh.”

Max curled her fingers between Chloe’s, then moved their hands to her chest. They rested just below her neck. With a tilt of her head, she set her chin on them.

Behind her, Chloe shifted. “You ok?”

“I am now,” Max said.

It wasn’t the first time she’d slept wrapped in a woman’s arms. It was the first time she’d done so with a woman who was taking from her whatever she wanted. Max lightly kissed Chloe’s knuckles.

“Good night,” Max said.

“Good night, my little mouse.”

Chapter 10

Notes:

CW: dysphoria, transgender slur, domestic abuse, humiliation, body horror

Max stepped from the shower into a steamy bathroom. Before she grabbed the towel, she stood with eyes closed and let her body adjust to the slight temperature change. The bath mat was soft and warm. She wiggled her toes in it and a broad smile crossed her face.

She stepped forward and closed the shower door. A well-worn, faded towel hung on a nearby hook. It was splotched with stains from years of use. She gritted her teeth as she rubbed the rough cloth over her skin. It was hard to dry off without looking at her body. It was better not to look. Better not to see hard angles and bones instead of soft curves.

The large bathroom mirror was covered by steam. She used the towel to clear a small area of the glass. Just enough to see her head. The steam didn’t hide the rest of her reflection. Dread filled her chest as she caught glimpses of her body in the fog.

The dread worsened when she saw the dark hair on her upper lip. It had appeared recently. She’d yanked them out but they kept growing back. Max picked up the razor, the edge of the handle sharp against her thumb. When she dragged it across her skin she shuddered and wanted to throw the razor.

Why do I feel this way?

Max dropped the razor on the counter and stared at it. The hair was gone but her skin crawled. She rinsed off the razor and put it away.

The mirror revealed all: a person who shouldn’t exist but did. Her hair was too short.

Why am I so… ugly? I hate this! I hate looking at me! Why do I have to?!

She clenched her fists and squeezed her eyes shut. As if she could block out reality. Her heart pounded. She opened her eyes and looked at the pile of clothes on the counter. A pair of underwear lay on top.

Boy’s underwear.

She picked up the underwear like it was something dead and decaying. Her skin tingled when she moved to put them on. The underwear fluttered to the floor when she spied what was between her legs. Her hands shook.

No! Why do I have to… have to…

She looked away but the image was burned into her mind. Wrong. Her body was wrong!

See, you’re not a girl!

Max braced herself against the counter, breathing rapidly. The thing between her legs moved and she nearly screamed.

Why?! Why am I like this? What did I do wrong?!

A choked sob echoed in the room. Max wiped her eye with the heel of her right palm.

Chloe said that I can still be a girl.

She shivered. The air was thick and she struggled to get enough. Her guts twisted.

Chloe’s not me! She doesn’t know, doesn’t understand!

Her jaw ached. Her fingers curled against the counter.

I want to get rid of it. I HAVE to get rid of it!

Images flooded her mind. Blood poured down her legs, welling from the gash between them. The wrongness lay on the floor, blood oozing from the end.

She raised her hand, blood streaming down her arm. The fingers clutched their prize, no longer able to torment her.

With a single, loud snip, the act was done. All evidence of her wrongness was gone. Blood gushed from her groin, spurted from the falling parts. She laughed, finally free.

Max shook her head and looked down. Of course the images weren’t true. With a choked growl, she yanked open a drawer, nearly pulling it off the track. She rifled the contents, spilling items onto the floor.

Nothing. There has to be something SOMEWHERE!

She slammed it shut and opened another drawer. She searched drawer after drawer, then moved to the cabinets.

Gotta find something!

But she couldn’t find anything. Each failure forced a groan which became higher and higher pitched.

Where? Please let me find something to get rid of it!

She searched with quick, jerky movements. She upended the dirty clothes hamper, pulled all the towels from the cabinets, and made a mess of all the bottles under the sink.

Nothing there’s nothing and I… why’d I have to be born this way? WHY?! Why am I so wrong?!

Max slumped to the floor, bare butt on the cold tile. The heels of her palms beat her head as she repeated over and over WHY?

A loud bang on the bathroom door made her jump. The door handle rattled. “Mark?” Ryan shouted through the door. “Why the fuck are you taking so long? What the fuck are you doing in there?”

The door rattled again. Max slowly stood, hand sliding up the wall. Her legs trembled.

“Open this door!”

She grabbed the towel and held it to her chin, draped across her body.

“OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!”

Her hands shook.

The lock on the door turned. Max trembled. The door burst open! Ryan stomped into the bathroom and glared down at her.

“What are you crying about, you little shit?” Ryan said. “You’ve taken way too long in here. Get dressed and get your fucking ass downstairs. NOW!”

His eyes narrowed. “And clean up this restroom.” With a sneer, he turned and stomped away. His footsteps echoed down the hall, fading away as he went downstairs.

Max stared at the open door and gulped. As quickly as her heavy limbs could manage, she cleaned up her mess and got dressed. She smoothed her hideously short hair to the side and hung up the towel. After doing a few breathing exercises, she stepped into the hall. Max froze.

Her bedroom door was open.

The hair on her neck and arms stood up.

No! Not again!

The air was hot. Sweat ran down her back, between her shoulder blades. She stumbled toward her room. One look inside made her want to throw-up. She sagged against the doorframe, eyes barely seeing the opened dresser drawers, stripped bed, bare walls, and the gaping maw of the closet. With muddied thoughts, she forced herself to walk into the room and look around. Her stomach surged and she staggered against the wall, trying to keep down the sour bile.

Everything was gone. All her clothes and shoes and books and laptop and guitar; everything. The bed mattresses were flipped. All her hiding places were empty. Slowly, she sank to her knees, eyes scanning the room with an empty gaze.

“Mark!” Dad’s voice boomed up the stairs. The commanding tone nearly made her lose the battle with her stomach. “Get down here! Now!”

She took a deep breath, held it, then slowly let it out.

Don’t let them get to you. Let it flow over you, around you. Be the stone, the impassive wall.

You are so fucking screwed.

After a count to five, she pushed herself to her feet. With a hand trailing along the wall for support, she exited the bedroom and headed downstairs.

Mom and dad were in the living room. Ryan was pacing and muttering. His hair stuck out in all directions. His button down shirt was rumpled. Vanessa sat on the couch, her glare leveled at Max the moment she stepped into the room.

“About time you joined us,” Vanessa said. Not a hint of emotion touched her voice. Ryan stopped his pacing and looked at Max.

To the right of the couch were several big, black garbage bags. They bulged with their contents. The neck of her guitar extended above the top of the bags. At sight of the bags, her heart sank.

On the coffee table in front of Vanessa sat two items. Two bits of plastic which caused bile to rise in Max’s throat. She resisted the urge to shuffle her feet.

It’ll be ok. Don’t let them see.

Max focused on a point beyond Vanessa, beyond the wall, beyond her house. It would trick her parents into believing she looked at them. Well, at least Vanessa. Ryan reached down, picked up and item, and raised it in the air.

“Do you want to tell us about this phone?” he said. Max shivered at his tone. The hair on her neck and arms stood up.

Breathe. Just breathe.

“It’s just a phone,” Max said as emotionlessly as possible.

“You already have a phone,” Vanessa said, “why do you need another?”

Max shrugged. Ryan glanced at Vanessa, then back at her. He stepped around the table.

“Who’s Chloe?” he demanded.

Max stayed silent.

Ryan lowered his brows and said, “is she your girlfriend?”

Max stared at the wall behind her dad.

“Son, listen to us,” Vanessa said. “We’re worried about you. Give your dad the code to unlock the phone.”

Max didn’t move or say anything.

Several seconds passed without a word. The air thickened. Ryan and Vanessa glanced at each other.

Ryan lowered his hand and let his shoulders relax. “How can we be a family when you hide stuff from us? As your parents, our job is to protect you. We love you and only want the best for you.”

You… love me?!

Max flinched at the warmth in his voice. There was only hardness in his eyes.

“Have you been seeing this Chloe?” Vanessa demanded. “Is that why you’re often out late? You’ve been hooking up with some… floozy?”

“She’s not a floozy,” Max snapped, “she’s my friend.”

Now you did it.

“Oh, a friend,” Ryan said in a sickeningly sweet voice. “Why haven’t you brought her over for us to meet?”

“Is she one of those?” Vanessa said.

Ryan walked up to Max, phone in hand. “Listen son,” he said in a way that rattled her already flip-flopping stomach. “We want the best for you. It’s why we moved here after all. When we find things like a mysterious phone, it makes us worry. You aren’t good at making friends. We just want to make sure others don’t take advantage of you.”

“You trust people too easily,” Vanessa added. “Remember what happened with Lanis? We don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

Max gulped but stayed silent. Ryan held out the phone.

“Unlock it,” he said softly.

The hair on her arms and neck stood up again. She kept her eyes on the wall and her mind blank.

“Unlock it!” Steel joined the ice already in his voice.

She didn’t move or look at him. He shook the phone in her face, knuckles white.

“UNLOCK IT!”

The slap caught her across the face, spinning her to the side. She blinked back the tears and straightened up. It took all her will not to touch her cheek, to soothe the stinging. Ryan and Vanessa glared at her.

“Ok, if that’s how you want to be. It looks like you don’t need this. Say goodbye to Chloe,” Ryan said. He flipped open the phone then snapped it in half. He dropped the halves on the floor at her feet and glowered at her. The pieces bounced on the tile and skittered away.

Max stood silently, eyes again focused on nothing. Inside, she quivered. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess, flitting so quickly through her mind it was like her head was floating. Her cheek burned.

“So be it,” Ryan growled. He ground the phone halves under his heel. When he walked away, only shards remained.

“And this?” Vanessa held up a small cylinder. “Dusty Rose 5.” The top popped off. Vanessa twisted the base until the lipstick came into view. “Looks like it’s been used a lot. Is this Chloe’s?”

Silence.

“Is it yours?” There was nothing friendly or caring in Vanessa’s voice.

Max tried not to blink or even breathe. Her mind whirled. The inner turmoil pressed at their restraints. Cracks appeared.

“What about these?” A pair of dark blue silky underwear, crumpled by its elastic, dangled from Vanessa’s finger. Max gulped. Her face burned.

“Yours,” Vanessa hissed.

“Fucking Tracey,” Ryan said, his face darkening. “Turning our boy into a fucking tranny freak.”

“Why are you hurting us like this, son?” Vanessa said. “I don’t even know who you are anymore! Sneaking behind our backs with girls and hiding phones? Wearing girls underwear? That’s not normal. Is this more of that self-discovery nonsense you spoke to your school counselor about?”

The wall behind her mom had lots of amazing patterns in the texture. Max picked out a large raised section that resembled an island and traced its contours with her eyes. Energy quivered in her arms and legs, demanding freedom. She wanted to pace, to wave her arms.

“Since we moved here, you’ve broken curfew, ignored house rules, talked back, and more,” Ryan said. Max shivered. “But we put up with it. Put up with you. After all, we’re in a new town and wanted to give you time to settle into new routines and get familiar with a new place.”

Is that why you’re never home?

“We moved here for you,” said Vanessa, “to give you a better life than we could in Seattle and how do you repay us? By disrespecting us and everything we do for you.”

“Since you can’t respect us,” Ryan said, “you don’t need respect either. We’re taking away all your clothes ex-“

“No! You can’t!” Max said, looking at her father.

Ryan was in her face so fast she never saw him move.

“Are you talking back to me?” he barked. Spittle flecked Max’s face as warm, stinky breath washed over her. “Take off your clothes. Now!”

“What?!” Cold filled Max’s core.

“Take. Them. Off.” Ryan growled.

“You obviously don’t appreciate what we give you,” Vanessa added. “So we’re taking everything back.”

Max finally looked at her mom. The words made sense but didn’t. “But I-“

The slap sent Max reeling in the other direction. Now, both cheeks burned. She stood up and blinked back the tears. Ryan grabbed her shirt and roughly yanked her toward him. The fabric cut into her back.

“Clothes off now!” Vanessa barked.

Ryan shook her until she stammered out a weak, “yes.” He shoved her away.

Max raised a trembling arm. She didn’t want to tremble, didn’t want to see the hungry look in her parent’s eyes when they noticed. At least she wasn’t crying. Maybe.

She pulled off her shirt, biting her tongue from the pain.

“Keep your underwear on,” Ryan said. “I don’t need to see your fucking junk.”

A small pile formed on the table as Max placed each article of clothing on it. Clothing she’d purchased. Ryan gave her space but his eyes bore through her.

She wasn’t here.

Where was here?

The heat faded from her cheeks as the numbness returned.

“Ugh,” Vanessa said and looked away. “You’re so… ugly. I can’t believe you’re our son. You disgust me.”

“We’re also cutting your allowance in half,” Ryan said.

“What?! H-How-“

Pain exploded in her belly, forcing air from her in a whoosh. Max bent then collapsed on the floor struggling to breathe.

Ryan glared down at her. His lips curled into a sneer. “You should have thought of that before going behind our backs. You betrayed our trust. Now you have to re-earn it.”

He kicked Max in the back. Pain exploded but it wasn’t happening to her.

“This is all your fault,” Ryan said, words punctuated by kicks. “You brought this on yourself.”

Vanessa made a disgusted sound and said, “You didn’t bring that… whore into our home did you?”

Whore? Who?

“Did you fuck that girl while we were on vacation?” Ryan demanded. He clenched both hands and glared down at her.

“N-no dad. I haven’t had sex with anyone. I don’t-” Max said but Ryan rolled his eyes.

“That’s a lie,” Ryan said. “You’re a teenage boy in the middle of puberty. You’re probably fucking your pillow. Haven’t had sex with anyone.” He kicked her leg.

“Remember all those suspicious withdrawals from his savings?” Vanessa said. “Maybe he paid this Chloe for sex.”

Ryan stared at Max a few seconds before laughing cruelly. “Oh, that makes sense. You’re so fucking inept you wouldn’t be able to get it any other way. Why’d one of them want to have sex with you?”

M-Mari-

DON’T THINK OF THAT!

Max struggled onto her hands and knees only for Ryan to kick her legs from under her. He laughed. She couldn’t stop a whimper as pain again pierced the numbness shielding her.

“Oh is poor baby Mark hurting?” Ryan said in a mockingly concerned tone.

“Don’t hurt him too much,” Vanessa said. “He’s going to Maribel’s after he burns his stuff. I can’t send him to her damaged. It wouldn’t look good on us.”

Max froze, hearing but not believing what her mom said.

Maribel! But I’m supposed to go to work!

She tried again to get to her feet. Each move spiked the pain levels. She gritted her teeth and refused to cry out. It would only draw more attention and attention was bad.

Vanessa caught her eyes with a steely glare. “Very few people in this town are good enough for us, Mark. The last thing we need is for you to bring one of them into the family, let alone our home.”

Heavy hands rested on her shoulders, almost sending her back to the floor. “We’re doing this for your own good, son,” Ryan said into her ear from behind.

Max wanted to squirm free, but she didn’t dare move. Instead, she stood silently, eyes and mind empty. The longer she stood held in place, the more her legs itched to run. Her feet shifted. Her eyes darted here and there, seeking an escape. Needles stabbed her brain, demanding she flee. Her skin ached.

“The world will eat you up,” Ryan said. “and if you don’t learn how to protect yourself, it’ll destroy you. One day, you’ll look back and thank us for preparing you to survive.”

She couldn’t suppress a shiver and her dad’s fingers dug into her shoulders. Max did her best to empty her mind and focus on the drywall textures as new pain blossomed in her shoulders.

“Don’t disappoint us again,” he said with a low growl. “Or maybe the family won’t need you anymore.”

“Maribel told us about you skipping out on your appointment Sunday,” Vanessa said. “How stupid are you? They have cameras watching their property! They saw everything.”

Vanessa walked up to her and looked her up and down. Her lips twisted in disgust. “You best be glad I was able to convince Maribel to stay on board with our plans,” she whispered. “She saved your diner, for now. It doesn’t look good when our son can’t do what’s best for the family. Not like Maribel and Richard’s daughter. She’ll be coming over here to finalize our… negotiations.”

She sneered at Max and turned away. “You’d do well to learn from Victoria,” she said. “But… you’ll have plenty of time later to do that.”

Max was empty. Nothing. The desires to cover herself, to get away, died. Her parents had dictated her life snd would continue doing so until. Well, she didn’t want to think about that.

Ryan’s fingers dug deeper. Liquid trickled down her chest. There was no pain, there was no anything. To show was to invite their attention. She didn’t want that.

“Look at me,” Ryan growled.

Max tried to turn but his tight grip stopped her. Max craned her head around and Ryan shook her.

“I fucking said to look at me!” He let go of her shoulders, spun her around, grabbed her chin, and forced her head up.

Max did her best to look at him but her eyes kept sliding away from his. He shook her roughly and her arms flailed. Higher and higher he raised her chin until she stood on tiptoes.

“You’re such a fucking loser,” Ryan said with a sneer. “You can’t even follow the simplest directions. You’re just a pathetic baby, always needing us to do anything for you. You’re on thin ice, son. Mom and I will decide what your punishment for ghosting Maribel is. Don’t think for one second you’re getting out of it.”

Max wanted to throw up. She wanted to run. She was scared what would happen if she did. Mom’s threat about the diner haunted her. It didn’t matter what they did to her. She couldn’t bear the thought they’d hurt others.

Ryan shoved her away. She reeled and crashed into the wall. She watched her dad pick up her clothes and toss them on the garbage bags before sitting near Vanessa.

Max rose to her feet, swaying. Cold shot through her when she looked at her parents. A pair of black restraints hung from her dad’s hands. He grinned at her. She shuddered and wanted to look away. Ryan reminded her of a predator playing with its prey.

“We’ve already got a few things in mind for your punishment,” he said.

“Don’t worry about clothes,” Vanessa said with false cheer. “We left a few good items for you. After all, we can’t let you go around town looking like a homeless person. Oh, and since you like secrecy and privacy so much, we’re converting your bedroom into an office for me.”

Ryan smiled and Max’s stomach churned. “You can sleep in the exercise room,” he said. “Move your top mattress in there. Your mother already removed the door so you’ll have plenty of privacy.”

“W-what about my bed?” she said.

Her parents laughed. “Losers like you don’t deserve a bed,” Ryan said. “Be glad it’s not just a blanket on the floor.”

They grinned at her and her blood chilled.

“You can go now,” Vanessa said, “and let your hair grow out. My god but you’re so ugly with short hair. We can’t have you representing us looking like that.”

Max blinked rapidly.

You cut my hair.

“Now, go get dressed then meet your father in the backyard.”

Without looking at her parents, the pile of clothes, the lipstick, or the remains of her phone, Max turned and made a ponderous journey to the second floor punctuated by jabs of pain.

The moment they were out of sight, her restraint slipped. With unseeing eyes, she stumbled down the hall.

Nothing was real.

She wasn’t here.

They didn’t care.

Chapter 11

Notes:

Content Warnings: near graphic depiction of rape, non-consensual under age sex, suicidal ideation, self-harm ideation

For anyone who wants to skip this chapter due to its content, here is what you should know plot wise:

1. Max's downward spiral which began in the previous chapter accelerates
2. Maribel's relationship with Max becomes more complex

Water rained down from the ceiling in a gentle spray. Steam billowed around, floating up and over the shower door. Max stood, arm against the wall, head against her arm. The water was supposed to be scalding as it pounded against her back. But there was nothing, just the pressure as it pelted her skin.

Except the hands. The lips. The the-

Max screwed her eyes shut. Her throat hurt. Pressure built in her chest, rising to her head. It was fueled by feelings born of disgust and self-hate. Feelings much too big for her tiny body to contain.

Warm flesh pressed against her backside. Hands squeezed her thighs. Max shuddered.

Max jerked in fear even though she knew she was alone in the shower. She gritted her teeth and willed tears to come. No matter how much she wanted it, they wouldn’t come. Max was beyond tears, beyond the sensations of a body betrayed. But all she could do was feel.

A man’s voice whispered in Max’s ear. He told her about all the things he’d do to her. He laughed when she struggled.

A fist pounded against the shower tile. She shook under the shower stream. Emotion exploded from her in wordless, tearless sobs.

“That’s right,” Richard whispered with a fiendish glee that chilled her blood. “Struggle. Fight me. Show me how much you want it.”

But Max didn’t want it. Never wanted it. It didn’t matter. They would force it even if she fought. She never mattered.

“I told you he was special,” Maribel whispered. Her tongue slid up Max’s throat. Fingers stroked her sides. “So much fun.”

Max yanked the shower handle all the way over. Nothing. There was nothing. She was nothing. No pain. No sorrow. Only a void.

A hairy chest pressed against her back. Pain exploded, shooting up her spine until it broke her restraints, and she screamed. They only laughed. Their grips tightened. Their blows strengthened. Each shriek was met with more laughter.

If she stood in the stream and opened her mouth, would she eventually drown? Max turned her head to stare at the falling water. What would that feel like?

Rope cut into her wrists as she struggled. She opened her mouth to complain or beg or something, but it was immediately filled with a long, warm, hard object.

Her stomach surged, sending Max to her knees. Water pounded her back as she heaved over and over and over. With an arched back and stomach painfully compressed, thin bile dripped from her mouth. She shook, struggled for air, but the retching wouldn’t stop.

“Don’t ruin him!” Maribel said. “He’s mine and I’m gonna keep him for a long, long time.” Fingers traced the contours of Max’s face. She tried not to think about what was happening between her legs. The wrongness. Shame rooted in her chest.

Water pooled around her face. Maybe she could block the drain, let the shower basin fill with water. What would water feel like sliding down her throat? Would she feel it enter her lungs? Could she gain release? Or would her body rebel, choking on the water and coughing it up?

Teeth sank into soft flesh. Max struggled, trying her hardest not to cry out in pain. That’s what he wanted. She failed. Like usual.

No, her body would rebel. It never did what she wanted. Never was what she wanted. What was the fucking point of having a body if it was wrong? If it didn’t do the right thing?!

“God damn!” Richard said with a chilling hunger. “He’s so much better than the others!”

Max traced random designs in the water. Earlier, she’d seen a pair of scissors. She imagined them sliding into her flesh. Would she feel that?

The warm, hard thing slid in and out, in and out. Max did her best not to gag. Evil she thought I’m evil, evil, evil for letting them do these things to me. Maribel and another woman were between her legs. She kept her eyes screwed shut, willing her life to leave her, to let herself just be a corpse for their pleasure.

It would hurt, but it would bring the pain to an end. There was a strange irony to that: ending pain with pain. And if she was gone, she couldn’t ruin anyone else’s life.

“How the fuck does he have that much endurance in such a scrawny body?” Richard said. Maribel laughed. “Why do you think I like him so much?” she said. Fingers played with Max, intensifying the shame.

Would she feel the pain? Max pictured the scissors opened; one gleaming point pressed against her flesh. Blood appeared around the tip, running down her arm. With a swift motion, she shoved it through her arm.

“Mmm, Dani,” Maribel purred. “You and Mark feel so good in me!” Dani laughed. “It’s the closest Vanessa will ever get to fucking him.” Maribel laughed.

I hate myself. I’m no good. I just let them do whatever they want to me. What kind of monster am I? I am nothing. A nobody. Nobody really cares about what I want. I just… I just want to die.

Cold air puffed against Max’s back and the water stopped falling. “You better get up Mark,” Maribel said. There was a kindness in her voice Max couldn’t fathom. “You can’t sleep in the shower.”

Max pushed herself to her knees. Every part of her body screamed in agony.

“Come here, sweetie,” Maribel said. “I’ll help you get dressed. I guess we played with you harder than I thought if you’re this tired.”

Max stood up. Water streamed down her body. She turned to find Maribel appraising her with a gleam in her eyes. She held open a big, fluffy blue towel.

“Is my little man all tuckered out from last night,” she said with a sweetness that confused Max. “You certainly gave Dani and my husband a workout.”

I did bad things to them. For them. I’m a horrible person.

Max stepped forward and Maribel wrapped the towel around her. She held Max close to her, rubbing a hand up and down Max’s body.

“You smell so good,” Maribel whispered in her ear. She kissed Max’s cheek. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

I wish you would kill me.

“Now, come on,” Maribel said. “Hurry up and get dressed so I can take you home.”

The towel fell to the floor. Maribel scanned Max up and down with a smile. She stepped back, stooped, and grabbed something off the floor.

“Lift your leg,” Maribel said.

Max stared at the wall. She lifted a leg, wobbling a bit, and cloth rubbed against it. “Now your other leg,” Maribel said. Max complied. Maribel stood, little kisses creeping up Max’s legs followed closely by cloth.

Bit by bit, Maribel helped her dress. At least, when Maribel’s hands and lips weren’t doing other things to her.

I am nothing. I am worthless.

Maribel gave her one last look, ruffled Max’s hair, and opened the door. “Finish dressing,” she said. “The rest of your stuff is packed and in my car. I’ll be waiting for you in the driveway.”

Max nodded. Maybe. And Maribel left.

I am evil. I should kill myself. Before I can hurt more people. Like Chloe and Kate.

A few minutes later, Max left the bathroom. She shuffled down the hall staring at the floor. Footsteps made her look up.

“The fuck,” Victoria said wide-eyed. She stood in the hall, hair ruffled and sweater askew. “You’re Vanessa’s son?! You’re the fucking shit who I’m su-”

Victoria cut herself off and looked to the side. They stood in silence a while. “Just keep walking and leave,” Victoria said without emotion.

Max stepped to the side and walked past her. Victoria held herself stiffly and refused to look in Max’s direction. Air escaped Max in a rush once she was away from the girl.

Outside, Maribel stood next to her sports car. Large, dark sunglasses hid her eyes. She smiled at Max. “You’re such a cutie,” Maribel said and slid the sunglasses onto her head. She walked over to Max and rested her hands on Max’s hips.

“It’s a shame you have to leave,” Maribel said with a pout. “I’d love to spend more time with you.”

Maribel leaned in and kissed Max. The hands slid around to grab Max’s butt and squeeze.

The woman stepped away, leaving behind a hint of mint and citrus. Shame burned in Max’s chest.

Without another word, Maribel turned and got into her car. Max followed, her steps crooked and legs on the verge of collapsing.

All I’m good for is being someone’s plaything.

Maribel started the car the moment Max closed the door. “You should be happy,” Maribel said. Max fastened her seatbelt. “I told your parents just how much you satisfied me, Dani, and Richard.”

The car pulled onto the highway. Max stared out the window. A hand rested on her leg when it wasn’t shifting gears. Fingers traced designs on her inner thigh.

“Why’d you skip out on me Sunday?” Maribel said.

Max tensed and held her breath. What should she say? She’d never skipped out on appointments until moving to Arcadia Bay. The truth would land her in deeper trouble. If she lied it would be worse once it came out.

“I…” Max’s voice faded away. Her knees squeezed her hands together. She smashed herself against the door.

The car slowed and pulled onto the shoulder. Maribel put the car into neutral and looked at Max. “Are you worried about your parents finding out?”

Max squeezed her eyes shut. It wasn’t the first time she’d been asked this by one of her parent’s partners. “I… needed some alone time,” she said.

“Oh? What’s going on?” Maribel touched her shoulder, but Max wouldn’t look. “You can tell me sweetie. Are you having trouble? I’d like to help.”

When Max didn’t answer, Maribel tapped a finger on the gear shift. “Does it have anything to do with your father?”

Max whipped her head around and looked at Maribel with enormous eyes.

“Mark,” Maribel said, making Max wince. Maribel raised an eyebrow and continued. “Your mom told me how horribly Ryan treats her. I can only assume he treats you the same way or worse.”

When Max didn’t answer, Maribel whispered, “I saw the bruises.”

Max looked down and forced her legs to relax. She slid her hands from between her knees and massaged them. “Yes,” she said hollowly.

“I’m so sorry, dear,” Maribel said. She caressed Max’s cheek with the back of her fingers. “Next time, come inside. We have plenty of space where you can have some quiet time.”

“Ok,” Max said.

“Promise me.”

Max gulped and hoarsely said, “I promise.”

“Good boy.” Maribel squeezed her leg and moments later they were underway.

Max stared out the window. The late summer sun filtered through trees to bathe the land in a golden glow. Fingers squirmed between her legs. Without thought, she spread her thighs. The fingers wiggled closer.

Please, someone kill me.

“What would you think of going away for a weekend?”

Max looked down. Dark tendrils pulled at her heart, seeping through her body to spread a numbing pain.

“Like where?” she said, trying to keep emotion from her voice.

The hand slid closer to her crotch. “I have a mountain cabin we could visit,” Maribel said. “You’d love the views, especially when the morning sun peeks through the trees. Or we could go to New York, maybe catch a broadway show or two. I have a penthouse close by.”

“Sounds fun,” Max said woodenly.

“Take some time to think about it,” Maribel said. “Meanwhile, I’ll talk to Vanessa about it.”

The hand slid to where it didn’t belong. Max closed her eyes and forced her mind free. The fingers weren’t touching her; they were touching someone else. It was another person whose body stiffened from fingernails tracing circles.

Why won’t someone kill me? Please!

The car slowed into a silent stop. Max opened her eyes. The trees and foliage of her parent’s house surrounded the car. It may as well have been another world for all that Max recognized it.

The fingers gave a final rub before disappearing. Max opened the door, grabbed her bag, and got out.

“Have a great day, sweetie,” Maribel said and blew her a kiss. Then, she sped off around the circle and onto the primary road.

Max watched her disappear. Shame churned her gut. A filth she felt she’d never wash clean stained her existence. With a hand holding her stomach, she entered the house.

“You’re back,” Vanessa said. “Maribel was quite pleased with your negotiations.”

Max nodded. Her stomach gurgled.

“I hear Dani was there.” Vanessa’s voice sounded distant.

“Yes, mom,” Max groaned.

“Well, it seems you didn’t fuck it up. For once,” Vanessa said.

Max’s pants were too tight around her waist. Her stomach seemed ready to explode even as she felt completely empty.

“Victoria was quite convincing,” Vanessa said. “Your diner is safe. For now. Keep your appointments with Maribel to keep it that way.”

Max turned toward the stairs.

“Are you doing your hand outs today?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Well, I suppose it’s ok with the way Maribel reviewed your performance. Now get out of here.”

Max climbed the stairs. Yesterday bombarded her mind. Her skin ached. Her toe kicked the step, and she nearly fell.

She swayed down the hall toward her room. Flashes of people, snippets of sound, crashed into her head. Fist over fist against the textured drywall, she sidestepped down the hall. She stumbled into her room, staggering to collapse on her bed.

The flashes continued. Each time, she convulsed. Hands grabbed hair, finding nothing. Fingers grabbed shirt, pulling, pulling, pulling.

I’m wrong. I’m evil. I can’t do this anymore. Why can’t I die?

Chapter 12

Max rode her bike. Or, at least, that’s what her body did. The world was hazy, distant. Sounds were muffled, like she was underwater. Air blew against her, ruffling her hair, and bringing no smells. How long had she been riding? If she was riding.

A foggy image of Socks flashed in her mind. The kitten pounced on some fluttering cloth.

Did I feed her?

A fuzzy memory of the fluff ball attacking the food bowl surfaced. She pursed her lips, hoping the memory was from today.

Better than those other memories.

She glanced down. Her shirt swelled, like it hid something she’d always wanted. A padded bra was no substitute. The band was tight against her chest, but nothing else registered. She sighed, hoping the bra’s presence confirmed she’d fed her baby.

Jabs of pain erupted from her stomach. The world wobbled. A blurry darkness narrowed her vision. Sweat slid down her back. She shivered, and a foot slipped off the pedal.

The shoe tip hit the ground and dragged backwards. The bike came to a jerky stop as she struggled not to fall off. She stood up, swaying and doubling over when a sharp pain stabbed her belly. Her breathing was ragged and painful. Her stomach clenched and tried to come up her throat.

Her body tingled. Heat flashed over her skin. A moment later, everything was fine. She straightened up. Sweat trickled down her brow. Well, not everything was fine. Her body continued to ache from last night. And her mind, her mind was in places it should never visit.

She looked around, trying to figure out where she was. Her stomach complained about its emptiness. She ignored it and set off again.

When a car approached, she pictured it swerving into her lane at the last minute. Her body flung through the air, finally broken in ways people couldn’t ignore or dismiss. Blood splattered across the front of the car, up the windshield, to drip down the other side. How satisfying it would be to find peace.

The car went by and stayed in its lane.

Why? Why can’t someone just kill me?! All these fucking problems gone!

She pedaled onward. Another car approached. Her palms itched.

I could turn my handlebars. Just a little. Right into its path.

Max lowered her head and stayed in her lane. The car sped past.

Why? Why don’t I just do it?

She stopped at a stop sign.

Why does Maribel want to take me somewhere?

Max turned toward the food bank.

I don’t want to be alone with her. I don’t want to want to-

Her thoughts became a jumbled mess. Max took a deep breath.

I’m not here. I’m looking for the perfect picture; in a meadow, walking next to a winding stream. Oh look! A butterfly! I wonder if I can get close to it.

She imagined herself sneaking close to the butterfly as she rode her bike. The pain and bodily discomfort faded. The wind ruffled her hair. In the distance, the food bank building came into view.

Why’d I come to work? I could have stayed home snuggled in my blanket.

Yeah, on the floor of mom’s workout room.

An image of Kate smiling flitted through her mind. Sparkles flooded her body.

I’d much rather be with Kate.

But Kate could be like others. Remember when Melanie wanted to be friends? She and Stephanie and Denice were really nice until they got what they wanted.

Darkness seeped from her core, devouring the sparkles.

No. I can’t — I refuse to believe she’d be like them!

Like your judgement is any good. Fucking up your life by disobeying mom and dad? No one should trust your judgment.

Chloe… she hasn’t been like that. She likes me and I think wants to be something… something with me. Like she is with Steph and Rachel.

The bike coasted to a wobbly stop, and she climbed off it. Around her, the world twisted and turned. Sweat trickled down her back, dripped from her brow. Max caught herself on the bike rack, nearly doubling over it.

Max hung there, sweat beading on her skin. The ground moved, little eddies in a dirt river. The ground came closer. She took a deep breath and held it. The ground stopped moving. The air seeped out slowly. She couldn’t push herself up, so she slid to the end of the rack and hung there. She set her butt on the ground and let go. Her bike lay on the ground nearby.

She was already late. A few minutes more wouldn’t matter. After folding her arms on top of her knees, she rested her forehead on them. She took a few deep breaths, holding each a few seconds. The sweat stopped. A bit of strength entered her.

With the help of the bike rack, Max stood up. Keeping a hand on it, she walked to her bike and pulled it up. She paused as dizziness washed over her. When it passed, she secured the bike in the rack, then took a few more deep breaths.

Max shuffled her way to the entrance. Hunger gnawed at her middle. An electronic chime sounded when she entered the lobby.

“You’re late,” Patrick growled. “Kate’s been working all by herself.”

“S-sorry.” Max shuffled toward the hallway.

Patrick glanced at her and furrowed his brow. “You seem… different,” he said.

Before Max could figure out if that required an answer, another voice spoke, splitting her attention. “There you are! I was so worried about you,” Kate said.

Max glanced between Patrick and Kate several times.

Who am I supposed to speak to?

Kate’s hand took hers, and Max looked at her. Kate’s brows were scrunched together. Her blonde hair was tucked under a cap. She pulled gently on Max’s hand and nodded down the hall. Max shuffled after her, content to let Kate lead.

When they were in the employee room, Kate dropped her hand and faced her. “Max, are you ok? You don’t look well.”

Max looked down.

I should tell her.

You should shut the fuck up!

She’s been nothing but kind to me. She should know.

Mom and dad already hate you enough. Do you want Joyce to lose her job?

Kate won’t tell.

Yeah, like Lanis wouldn’t tell. What was that about judgment?

The thoughts went round and round. Max scuffed the tip of her shoe against the floor. “Do we have any spare shirts?” she said. “Mine got kind of ruined.”

Flames tore through her clothes and treasures. The food bank shirt was an innocent victim, caught in her parents’ ways.

Max glanced at Kate. The other girl looked so concerned.

Please don’t.

“Max,” Kate whispered. “Do you need help?”

Max’s throat tightened. It was hard to breathe. The words she wanted to speak got stuck in her throat. They clogged her chest until she thought it’d burst.

“Yeah…,” Kate said when Max remained silent. “We have some extra shirts. Follow me.”

She trailed behind Kate, lost in her thoughts. Not so lost as to ignore the way Kate walked, the way she looked so feminine. A way she’d never look. Her throat hurt.

They stopped at some plastic tubs. Kate dug through one of them and pulled out a shirt.

“Here, put this on,” she said. “Then come join me at the loading dock.”

Max took the shirt and turned away. “I’m worried about you,” Kate whispered. Max screwed her eyes shut. The ache in her throat spread to her chest. The tears almost came, almost exploded from her. She forced them away.

I’m just a selfish, cruel person. I’ll only end up doing to Kate what I’ve done to Maribel, Dani, and Richard. She doesn’t deserve that.

She shuffled off to the employee restroom. Once there, she pulled off her shirt. Bruises mottled the flesh of her chest below the bra band. She winced when she touched it. Weakness flooded her, and she toppled forward, barely catching herself on the sink. She leaned over it, breathing quick and shallow. Her skin crawled with fresh memories.

After a few seconds, she could stand. She made sure she wasn’t facing the mirror and put the food bank shirt on. She put her shirt and pack into her locker, then shuffled off to the loading dock.

Kate waited for her with a hand on a pallet jack. Her eyes searched Max’s, but Max looked away. “We need a few more boxes to complete this pallet,” she said. “Then we can make our deliveries.”

Max nodded and wandered to the box assembly station. Her stomach twisted at the piles of food waiting to be sorted and boxed.

No one would miss it if I took something. I’m so hungry.

That’s right, keep yourself alive. That means more nights with Maribel. More days with your parents.

With trembling fingers, she stacked the food in the container box. Her stomach gurgled and clenched. Kate walked in front of her, carrying a box. It was all Max could do to not sway whenever Kate looked her way.

What’s the point of eating if I’ll never look like a girl? Never actually be a girl?

Max looked down and finished assembling the box. She slid it to the side and kept working. Her mouth watered with each parcel she handled.

Kate wouldn’t miss it. She’d be ok with you taking something.

She shoved the thoughts aside. She tried to focus on song lyrics to keep her mind off food.

I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

Her throat tightened. A package fell from her fingers.

I don’t. I don’t! I don’t deserve it!

With a painful slowness, she picked up the package and continued assembling the box.

Have you heard the news that you’re dead?

No one ever had much nice to say

I think they never liked you anyway

The lyrics went round and round in her mind while she worked. At last, they assembled the last box and placed it on the pallet. Max grabbed the pallet jack, ignoring the way her arms shook, and wheeled the pallet into the waiting van. Kate watched her.

“Are you going to be ok?” Kate said.

Her knees buckled, and Max leaned on the handle.

I hope Kate didn’t see that.

Max stared at the forks while her thumb rubbed the hard, plastic grip. “We’ve got a lot of deliveries to make,” she said. “And I’ve already made us late enough.”

Kate was silent. Max turned away from the jack and took a few careful steps toward the side door. “Shall we?” she said with what she hoped was confidence. It was all she could do to remain standing. The room swayed.

Kate studied her. She opened her mouth, then closed it. “Ok,” she said, and her shoulders slumped. She walked to the side door and exited.

Max followed on legs on the verge of collapse. She stumbled toward the door, falling against the wall when she neared. For several seconds, she stood there, face pressed against the cement block. When she was sure she could walk, she shuffled out the door.

She made it down the stairs by leaning on the handrails. The air was stifling. The sun was too bright. She shuffled from the stairs to the van. Right when she grabbed the door handle, her legs gave out.

Max hung there, her brain not quite grasping what was happening. She stared at the faded white paneling as she dangled. Her shoulder hurt. A finger slipped. It was so cold. Other fingers slipped.

She closed her eyes. Breathing was everything. Gravel bit into her side. The pain barely registered. She just had to breathe.

“Max?” Kate’s voice came across a great distance, arriving like a frail child fearful of waking their parent. The world shook. “Max? What’s wrong? Talk to me!”

Air filled Max’s lungs. Hands rolled her onto her back.

“Max? I’m going to call 911!”

“No!” Max spat out the word, trying to sit up. Pain flopped her back to the gravel-covered lot. “No, not not 911. I’ll be ok,” she mumbled, her words slurred.

“Then tell me what’s going on? How can I help you?” The sad concern in Kate’s voice pulled at Max. It tried to pull at her heart, but there was nothing there to pull.

Fucking tell her!

“Just need some rest.” With the way her words slurred, she wondered whether Kate even understood. It was too difficult to focus. Her thoughts slowed and were about everything else.

Static filled her mind, followed by darkness. The next moment, she opened her eyes and light flooded in. She blinked and shielded her eyes with a hand. A voice sounded from the other side of the van.

With a groan, Max sat up. Her stomach contracted, and she groaned even more.

“Hold on,” Kate’s voice floated over the van. “I think… I think she’s awake!”

Footsteps approached, running across the gravel. Bits of it skipped across the pavement. Kate rounded the van, a phone clutched in one hand. “Yeah, she’s sitting up,” she said, moving the phone to her ear. She stopped and leaned against the van. “Sure, I can do that.”

Kate held the phone out to Max. “It’s Chloe,” Kate said. “She wants to talk with you.”

Max squinted at Kate. “Who?” She said, nearly covering her eyes with a hand.

“Chloe… Price?” Kate said. “Blue hair. Cool tattoo.”

Max took the phone. It was much heavier than she expected. It took all her remaining strength to hold it against her cheek. She glanced at Kate, then away. “Hey,” she whispered.

“Max? What happened? What’s wrong?” Chloe said. Max winced at the worry in her voice.

“I uh… it was… it was…”

“Please, don’t fucking say nothing,” Chloe said. Max clenched her other hand.

“I just… I forgot to eat.” Liar! Max screwed her eyes shut.

All she could hear was Chloe’s breathing.

I hope I screwed it up. I hope I pushed her away before I do things to her.

“Can you do something for me?”

Max gulped. She couldn’t figure out Chloe’s tone. “What?”

“Have Kate take you through a drive-thru to get you some food. And then eat it. Can you do that for me?”

“I… I don’t have any money.” Max couldn’t stop the need to cry from entering her voice. She barely suppressed the tears.

I don’t have anything.

Fire ate clothes and papers like an insatiable monster.

“Tell Kate I’ll pay her back.”

“Oh… Ok.”

“Max?”

“Yeah?”

“We’ll fucking get through this.”

No, we won’t. It’ll just get worse. I’m no good. I’ll just fuck you up too.

“Sure,” Max squeaked, her throat so tight she could barely breathe.

“Can you give the phone back to Kate now?”

Max turned and handed the phone to Kate. Once Kate had it, Max dropped her gaze. Her skin crawled and itched. The bones in her fingers ached.

I am nothing.

Fingers touched her shoulder, and she looked up. “Let’s get in the van,” Kate said. “Can I help you?”

“No” was on the edge of her lips, but she looked into Kate’s eyes and something stirred. She couldn’t refuse. “Yes,” she rasped and raised her hands.

Kate took her hands and helped Max to her feet. Once Max was standing, Kate held onto her forearms a while. She studied Max with a soft gaze, which made Max sway from foot to foot. “Do you think you can open the door?” Kate said.

Max nodded, turned, and used a hand to open the van.

“Ok,” Kate said. She guided Max around and placed Max’s hand on the door, which she braced. “Can you climb in?”

Max reached for the hand grip on the door frame and nodded. “I think so,” she whispered.

It turned out she couldn’t. Kate had to press against her back so she could step up into the van. Kate’s heat seeped into her and for a moment, the world smelled like a spring meadow. It was a sweet smell that she never wanted to go away.

Once she was in the seat, Kate closed the door. It shut with a bang that made Max jump. She struggled to put the seatbelt on. Kate got in the other seat. Another bang sounded, further rattling Max. The seatbelt latched, and she slumped against the door. Any second, she expected something horrible to happen.

“You’re supposed to get me something to eat. Chloe said she’d pay you back.” Max’s words were slow, monotone, slurred. Her thoughts were sluggish, like wading through thick mental mud.

“What do you want?”

Death. An end. Peace.

“It doesn’t matter,” Max whispered as she stared into a bleak future.

The van started. Max shuddered and tried to ignore its rumbling vibrations. The van moved forward, traveling a path littered with memories and voices which hounded Max. She held onto the seatbelt, as if it was the only thing keeping her real.

The scent of warm food hit her nose, and Max’s stomach surged. Bile rushed up her throat. She did her best to hold it back. Again and again it threatened to explode until her resolve failed. She flung herself forward, held back by the belt, as the thin bile broke through. It dribbled down her chin, coated her lower pant legs, and dripped onto her shirt.

“Max!” Kate cried.

Max’s stomach squeezed, trying to force itself up her throat. She leaned forward, unable to breathe, only retch in taut misery. Even when nothing came out, her body acted like it wanted to turn her inside out.

A hand rested on her shoulder, and Max turned unseeing eyes to her left. Sweat dripped from her forehead. Sickness dripped from her chin. Her stomach heaved again, and she whipped her head forward.

When the spell ended, she slumped in her seat. Her breathing was shallow, painful. Again, the scent of warm food assaulted her. She fumbled at the seatbelt and door latch, finally tumbling from the cab onto gravel, which bit deep into her hands and knees.

Max collapsed to the ground, ruled completely by her body’s need to purge itself. Sweat, tears, and bile soiled her face.

Shoes scuffed the ground nearby, but Max couldn’t even turn to look. She stared at the packed earth and gravel.

An engine roared.

Boots ran across the parking lot.

Max slid into darkness.

Liquid poured into her mouth. Hands gripped her shoulders, hungry. Words surrounded her, a cloud of confusion. Eyes feasted on her thrashing. A mouth twisted into a cruel smile. It drew closer, promising more, worse.

Max shook and tried to scream, struggled to escape. The liquid exploded from her with a wordless cry. She twisted to escape the hands, to ward off their desire.

The hands left her. Words finally formed, a plea to fall upon heartless ears like always.

“No, no, no! I can’t! Not anymore leave me alone I can’t I can’t please no!”

She curled into a ball and waited for the unwanted attention, for the hands to probe and pry and hurt. "No, no, no.” Her voice was a feeble plea in an uncaring world.

Words again assaulted her ears. The tone was wrong. They lacked the expected callousness.

She didn't lay upon a floor. Sharp objects dug into her side. A warm, pitted surface pressed against her cheek.

When Max cracked her eyes open, the irregular outlines of rocks greeted her. She moved her arms, and they flopped off her head.

Where am I?

“Max?”

Ugh. Kate took me to the beach. To eat?

Her arms and body wouldn’t cooperate when she tried to sit up. Weakness lay heavy upon her limbs.

And I… I acted like an idiot.

Her cheeks burned.

“Is it ok to touch you?”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Chloe leaned over her. Her skin crawled at the question and she wanted to scramble away. She could only lay there.

When Max didn’t answer, Chloe moved out of view. Voices floated upon the air, but she couldn’t understand the words.

Chloe stepped in front of her and sat down.

“No,” Max mumbled and closed her eyes. It was easier than keeping them open. Sleep called to her.

“We’ll just sit with you,” Kate said.

Max lay on the hard ground, bits of gravel digging into her. She accepted the pain and discomfort. It was just a fraction of what she deserved.

It was hard to tell how long they stayed there. Max didn’t know if she dozed or not. After some time, the weakness faded, along with the pain gnawing at her core.

She opened her eyes. Chloe and Kate sat nearby. Kate smiled when she saw Max’s eyes open.

“You’re back with us,” Kate said. She shot a glance at Chloe.

“Yeah,” Max said.

She pushed herself into a sitting position and immediately grabbed her stomach when the pain returned. The world wobbled. A hand on her shoulder steadied her. She flinched but didn’t knock it away.

“Couldn’t let you fall,” Chloe said.

“Thanks,” Max mumbled, then groaned.

I don’t deserve their help.

“Do you think you can drink?” Kate held up a cup with a straw.

Max nodded and reached for the cup.

A scene flashed before Max’s eyes. Kate stretched upon a bed, writhing as Max did things to her. Things Max forced on her.

No! I don’t want to do that to Kate! Why am I so horrible?!

Max sipped the drink. Soda flooded her mouth, and she swallowed. “Thanks,” she said, gaze on everything except Kate.

She took another sip, then set the cup on the ground. Beyond Chloe, birds wheeled in the sky. Max wished for their freedom.

Chloe nudged Max’s foot. “Can you take another drink?”

Max obeyed without thought.

“Think you can eat something?”

Anger flashed through Max at Chloe’s words, and she almost crushed the cup.

Stop telling me what to do!

She gritted her teeth and forced the thoughts away. “Yes,” she whispered, hanging her head.

“How about a fry?” Kate said and slid the fry container to her.

Max stared at the chaotic arrangement of fries spilling from the paper sleeve. She took one and nibbled on the end. The salt burned her mouth and throat. When it didn’t threaten to come back up, she ate the rest of it.

Her stomach squeezed, bending her double. “Ugh,” she groaned, holding her middle. She kept the fry down, barely. She swayed, hands scrambling for purchase against the ground. Her head lolled lolling toward Kate.

“I’m sorry,” Max whispered.

“Have another fry,” Kate said and shook the box.

Max ate a fry, then another. After the second one, her stomach stopped trying to reject the food. Instead, it became bloated and tried to tell her she was full. She chewed another fry and stared at the ground.

“You wanna talk?” Chloe said.

Max looked at Kate, then away.

“Let me give you some privacy,” Kate said. She placed the fry container, drink, and a silvery bundle within Max’s reach. She stood up, brushed off her pants, flashed them a smile, and then walked away.

Part of Max wanted to call out to Kate, to stop her from leaving. Fear held her back. The lifelong fear of betraying her parents, but also something else, something she couldn’t name. Kate walked around the van and out of sight.

“She really cares about you,” Chloe whispered.

Anger sliced through Max. “She shouldn’t. No one should,” she spat, then turned aside when her cheeks burned.

Why can’t my parents care about me?

Max stared at a fry, rolling it between finger and thumb. The heat of anger faded into a nothingness which consumed her. She glanced at Chloe, wondering if she’d pissed her off.

Warm skin slid against her lips. Her teeth sank into the tender flesh at the base of Chloe’s neck while her hand slid toward the waist of Chloe’s jeans. Chloe struggled beneath her, straining to escape.

Max closed her eyes tight. Her hands clenched. She gritted her teeth.

No! I don’t want that! I don’t!

The image faded, but left her insides trembling. Max looked at the fry container. She ate another fry. “I…” she said, but her thoughts muddied with scenes from last night.

Go away. Just go away before I hurt you.

She swallowed hard and sipped the soda.

“It wasn’t just breakfast, right?” Chloe said.

“Why do you care?”

“Because you’re worth it.”

Max’s throat tightened, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m not,” she whispered. “I’M NOT!”

“I think you are, and I’m pretty sure Kate does, too.”

Max bit back an angry retort, which popped into her mind.

It would be so much easier if Chloe wasn’t my friend. I’d still hate for mom and dad to shut down the diner, but knowing who it’d affect… shit, I’m glad they don’t know!

She shuddered. The fries lost all their flavor. She forced herself to swallow.

But where would I be without Chloe’s friendship? If she, Rachel, and Steph hadn’t accepted me, those two weeks in June would have been my last.

Max took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I was… shitty when you’re just trying to help. I just… I’m not used to this, to people caring about me.”

“That’s fucked up,” Chloe said.

Max shrugged. “Whatever. I can’t change it. But yeah, your question about food it was… it wasn’t just breakfast.”

Her eyes lost focus as she sought the detachment, which kept her safe, calm. “My parents found the phone I text you with.”

“Shit,” Chloe said, drawing out the word. “I wondered why you hadn’t texted.“ A rock skipped across the parking lot. “What’d they do?”

Flames flicked the pile of clothes, books, and more. Vibrant colors blackened. A guitar string snapped and Max jumped. Sparks flew into the air. Pain exploded on the back of her head and she stumbled forward a few steps.

“Broke the phone. Made me burn my stuff,” Max said. She wasn’t here. Her voice was far away. “Destroyed everything… everything in my room, in the fridge and pantry. Everything that was mine.”

Forced me to do things I don’t want to so Joyce won’t lose her job.

“They…” Max hung her head. “They cut my allowance to almost nothing. I don’t… I don’t…”

The thought tightened her throat until it hurt.

“Every fucking thing?!” Chloe said. “Even your girl clothes and shit?”

Max shook her head. “No,” she said, her voice thick and raspy. “They weren’t at the house.”

“Fuck, at least those are safe,” Chloe said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Max listened to the gulls crying overhead while her insides vibrated.

“They did all that just because you have your own phone?”

Max shook her head and stared at the ground without seeing. “They wanted to know who you are. They also found the lipstick Rachel gave me. I’ve been breaking their rules.”

“Your parents are fucked up.”

Max picked at her pants and didn’t answer.

“Couldn’t you eat before you went to work today?”

“You don’t… you don’t get it,” Max said with a lump in her throat. “I… my allowance… it’s all I have to live on. Food. For me, for Socks. Clothes. Everything comes out of my allowance. I don’t have food.”

The silence after her statement made Max wince. She peeked at Chloe. The other girl had her brow furrowed and stared into the distance with a clenched fist.

“You work though, don’t you?” Chloe said, her voice tight and layered with emotions Max couldn’t understand.

“Yes.”

“That’s not enough?”

“I don’t see the paychecks. Mom says it pays for my rent, bills, and college fund. She takes my tip money when I get home.”

She almost threw up again when she remembered the one night she’d tried to keep the tip money.

Never again.

“I’m trying so hard,” Chloe said in a strangled tone, “not to scream about how horrible your parents are.” She looked at Max. Despite the hardness of her face, her eyes glowed with a soft light. “How… the fuck… do they expect you to survive? Can you eat their food?”

“No!” Max said sharply and shuddered. “They… probably think I’ll be in school soon and can eat there.”

Or they just don’t care.

Chloe scooted closer and leaned forward. “I wanna help you,” she said. “I got an old phone I think still works. If I talk to Joyce may-”

“No!” Max threw up her hands and looked at Chloe with enormous eyes. “Don’t tell your mom! Please!”

Chloe rolled her lips between her teeth. “Ok,” she said stiffly. “I’ll think of something else.”

Max dropped her hands and looked at the food. She knew she should eat more. Her stomach was bloated and empty. She ate another fry and tried to keep her face neutral when her stomach churned.

After eating half the fries, she unwrapped the silvery bundle. Inside was a cheeseburger. She picked off the pickles and lettuce, then nibbled it.

“What if I brought you some food?” Chloe said. “I could drop it where your clothes are.”

Max swallowed the bite. “That might work.”

“I could leave the phone, too.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Do you have a place to hide the food? I’m sure your parents would get suspicious if you walked in with a bunch of food.”

“I…” She put the sandwich down before her trembling fingers dropped it. “I don’t… I don’t have a bedroom anymore and if I store it outside, it’ll… it’ll…”

The tears which refused to come earlier now threatened to explode. She gulped, trying to push down the pressure rushing up her throat.

Why the bedroom?! Why’s that making me cry?! How fucking broken am I?

“Max,” Chloe said warmly. “It’ll be ok. We’ll figure this shit out.”

“No, it fucking won’t be ok!” Max cried. “I don’t… I don’t… know how much longer I can do this!”

“Do what?” Chloe gently prodded. When Max stayed silent, she asked again. “Do what?”

Max shielded her eyes with a hand and leaned her elbow on a knee.

Survive. Live. I don’t know.

“I wanna help you,” Chloe whispered. “Whatever ‘this’ is, you don’t have to do it alone. And I don’t mean just me.”

Max forced her head up and gazed at the van. A few clouds floated high above, changing shape as they moved. “You mean Kate,” she said, her voice reedy. She remembered Kate trying to help her at the food bank, helping her just a few minutes ago.

“Yeah, Kate,” Chloe said.

Max looked around. Barely a few days ago, she’d fled this park, running away from her dad. She’d spent the afternoon and night with Chloe, sharing things she’d never told anyone, finding answers to impossible questions. It had been another life, another age, and she didn’t know if she could return to it.

“I’ll try,” she whispered, and let her head hang down. She looked at the cheeseburger laying on the wrapper, nibbles along one side. Her skin and fingers ached.

Chloe nodded. “Your parents are… fucking disgusting,” she growled.

Max shrugged and picked up the cheeseburger.

Kate and Chloe bought this for me. I shouldn’t let it go to waste.

She forced herself to eat a proper bite. “Sometimes… I just want to die,” she said while chewing.

“I get that,” Chloe said. “I thought that a lot, even after I started hanging out with Rachel and Steph.”

Max stared at the sandwich and made herself swallow. It was nothing, tasted of nothing. “I can’t get over how… Lifetime this whole summer feels.”

“Lifetime? What do you mean?” Chloe said. She pulled a joint out. “Want some?”

Max shook her head. “I’m a broken mess of a person who moved to a small town. My life is shitty, but a pretty blue-haired girl and her friends solve all my problems. It’s like one of those weird Lifetime movies.”

Chloe lit the joint, leaned back, and took a long drag. The smoke wafted into the air, scattered by the slight breeze. She chuckled. “Yeah, that seems like one of those feel good movies.” She studied the smoking end of the joint. “Only one solving your problems is you, though. Kate and me? We’re support. Same with Steph and Rach and anyone else.”

“I wish…” Max continued, staring at the cheeseburger.

“Wish someone could just fix ‘em for ya?” Chloe said.

Max nodded. Despite her suddenly dry mouth, she made herself take another bite. Chloe watched her from the side while she continued to enjoy her joint.

They sat in silence while Max ate. The bloated feeling didn’t go away, but her stomach stopped fighting her. She stared at the van, wondering what Kate must think of what happened.

Do I want to get someone else wrapped up in my shit?

Chloe had put away the joint. She leaned forward, arms wrapped around her legs. “I’ll go wash your clothes,” she said, “and I’ll add some food to the bag when I put ‘em back, along with the phone. You gonna be ok?”

No.

With a shrug, Max finished the rest of the soda. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“How’re you feeling?”

“Better, I guess?” But she really wasn’t.

“Ok. Question for ya: where do rabbits eat breakfast?”

“Uh… the meadow?”

“IHOP.”

“Chlooooeeee,” Max groaned, “that was horrible!”

“Horribly awesome!”

Max lightly punched her in the shoulder. Chloe laughed and put her hand on Max’s shoulder. Her fingers lightly rubbed her. “You’re such a goof.”

“And you are a dork.”

“But I’m your dork.”

“Huh?” Max tilted her head and furrowed her brow.

With a hint of color in her cheeks, Chloe pulled her hand away and said, “Ain’t nobody getting these jokes but my friend.”

“O… k. If you say so.”

Chloe bounced to her feet, then held out a hand. Max gathered her trash before putting her hand in Chloe’s. The way they fit together made her look up. Chloe wore a half smile as she gazed down at her. Sparkles filled Max’s chest. She pulled herself up.

They stood together for a second or an eternity when Max entered Chloe’s space. Chloe grinned at her and Max forgot about the bloating and discomfort.

Max looked away first. “Where’s a trash can?”

“Here, I can toss that for ya,” Chloe said.

Max handed her the trash. “I guess I should find Kate so we can make our deliveries.” She kept her gaze fixed on the van while her cheek burned with Chloe’s nearness.

Why am I so fucked up?

Without another word, Max walked toward the front of the van. After a few steps, she paused, turned, and said, “Thanks. For helping me.”

“It’s what friends do,” Chloe said. “I’m happy to.”

Friends…

Max rounded the front of the van. At the far end of the parking lot was a rickety picnic table. Kate sat on it, gazing at the sea. The breeze flicked her hair around.

Scenes of forcing herself on Kate flashed through Max’s mind. She shook her head and clenched her fists.

No! I don’t want to do that! Why am I so disgusting? Maybe I shouldn’t be her friend. I don’t want to hurt her, don’t want to do those things to her.

With heavy feet, Max approached the table. “Hey,” she said when only a few feet away.

Kate looked at Max and smiled. Light danced in her eyes and Max had an urge to touch her, to run her fingers through Kate’s hair.

No! I’m evil, evil, evil!

“You’re looking better,” Kate said. The cap swayed in her hands. Her gaze drifted beyond Max’s shoulder. The smile brightened, and Chloe stepped into view. “Thanks for helping.”

“Any time,” Chloe said.

“Oh, were you able to bring a clean shirt?” Kate said, as she got off the table.

“Yep, in my truck. Lemme go get it.”

Chloe disappeared. Max looked at the ground. She toed a pebble. “Thanks,” she said. “I… I’m sorry I made us late for our deliveries.”

“Max,” Kate said and stepped closer. “We’ll still get them done. You’re just as important.”

Max looked toward the ocean, letting her eyes unfocus. Sunlight glittered brightly on the water. Last night was far away, yet closer than she wanted. It seeped into her mind, whispering ideas to do to Kate and Chloe.

“I’m not important,” she whispered. “Just a horrible mistake.”

Waves crashed against the beach in the silence. Gulls cried overhead. The breeze shifted, filling her nose with the smell of brine and fish.

“You’re important to me,” Kate said. “And, I think, to Chloe.”

Max grimaced, but didn’t respond.

“Would you… like to come over tomorrow?” Kate said. “It’s my day off, and my mom is taking my sisters to Portland for school shopping. It’d just be us two girls.”

Max bit back the harsh reply which popped into her mind. Chloe’s words about friends were still fresh. Plus, she was drawn to Kate, and she wanted to know what the girl was like.

“I don’t know where you live,” Max said.

“I could pick you up.”

“Could we… meet at the food bank?”

“Sure. I’d be happy to. Is 8 AM too early?”

Max shook her head.

“Ok, I’ll pick you up then,” Kate said, bouncing into view. Her smile was even brighter and her eyes glittered. “I can’t wait!” She slipped the cap onto her head, tucking her hair up beneath it.

Despite the thoughts crowding her mind, Max couldn’t stop returning the smile. Kate’s cheeks were tinged with pink and she leaned in close. “We’re gonna have so much fun!” Her presence did things to Max’s insides.

“Here’s the shirt,” Chloe said and swung a bag into view. Max jumped with a squeak. Kate took the bag.

Kate rubbed Max’s shoulder. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” she said warmly. “I’ve got some cleaning wipes in the van. Then you can change shirts. Is that ok?”

Max nodded. Kate gripped her shoulder before walking to the van.

“Hey, Max,” Chloe said. “Do you think you can get away Saturday?”

Max tore her eyes away from Kate’s retreating figure to look at Chloe. “Saturday? I don’t know. I’ve got the afternoon shift at the restaurant.”

Chloe grunted. “How about Sunday?”

“Possibly,” Max said. “Why?”

“I spoke to my friend in Portland, the trans girl I told you about on Sunday. She’d like to meet you.”

“I’d… have to be back by 6, if I can even get away,” Max said.

“Should be plenty of time, especially if we start early.”

“I’ll text you… fuck…”

“Hey,” Chloe said and put an arm around Max’s shoulder. Max squirmed, but said nothing. Chloe moved her arm away. “You’ll have a phone. I should go soon so I can get your stuff cleaned and back today.”

“Ok,” Max said hoarsely and kicked a pebble. “I’ll… text you about the trip. Even if I can’t do it.”

Chloe turned to leave. On impulse, Max caught her hand. Chloe turned to look at her. Max looked up, into her eyes, ignoring the need to look away. Once again, she saw the stars dancing in Chloe’s eyes, matching the sparkles filling her.

“Th-thank you for caring,” Max whispered. Her eyes shifted to Chloe’s cheek, just in front of her ear. The spot drew Max in, whispering to her. Before she knew it, she leaned in and kissed Chloe’s cheek. The sparkles seemed to flow between them.

Max stepped back, her gaze falling as a darkness rose to consume the sparkles. “I I’m sorry,” she said as her throat tightened. “I should have-”

Max’s words cut off as Chloe leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. The scents of weed, grease, and tobacco filled her nose, and a calm settled over her.

“You’re hella sweet,” Chloe whispered with a smile.

With fingertips touching where Chloe had kissed her, Max watched Chloe walk to her truck. She had a bounce to her step Max didn’t remember her having.

“You two are really cute,” Kate said. Max looked at her, startled at her sudden appearance. Her hand fell to her side.

“Thanks,” Max said and looked away. Her cheeks burned. Chloe’s truck left the parking lot.

Kat gestured toward the table. “Have a seat and I’ll clean you up.”

Max climbed onto the table. Kate set a package of wipes next to her and pulled one out. A gentle moisture wiped at her chin. Kate’s eyes flicked between her hand and Max’s eyes. Max stared at the sea.

Kate pulled out another wipe and slid it down Max’s cheek. “It doesn’t look like you got hurt when you fell,” she said. “Can you lift your chin, please?”

Max did as she asked, watching the clouds slide across the sky. Pressure built in her chest, and she gulped to keep it down.

“Just about done,” Kate said. “You can lower your head.” When Max did, Kate flicked a wipe across Max’s forehead.

Kate’s eyebrows drew together. “Are you ok?”

Max nodded. “Yes,” she said.

“You’re crying.”

Max touched her cheek. The fingertips came away wet. “I… I don’t know why,” she said as she stared at the liquid glistening on her fingers.

“Today’s been pretty rough for you,” Kate said. She gathered up the few wipes and closed the package. “Can I give you a hug?”

Max looked at Kate. Thoughts about hurting, corrupting Kate flooded her. She pushed them away with a stern rebuke. With her bottom lip caught between her teeth, she nodded.

Kate wrapped her arms around Max. She rubbed Max’s back. “I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard day,” she whispered.

Max shuddered and clutched Kate tightly. She once again smelled floral notes, along with a hint of cinnamon. Her chest was tight, filled with a fathomless pressure fighting against a blooming warmth. Her hands held tight, as if her life depended on it.

Kate stepped away, her arms sliding down Max’s. Fingers locked together and Kate smiled. “I’m glad you’re my friend,” she said.

The internal pressure increased, and Max couldn’t speak. When she met Kate’s soft gaze, she saw possibilities which made her heart ache. She looked away, seeking the comfort of her bleak reality.

“You’re very sweet,” Kate said.

“You really think of me as… as a friend?” Max choked.

“Of course.” Kate tilted her head to the side. “That’s why I invited you over.”

“Oh.” Max scuffed her shoe against the ground. Their hands separated, and hers flopped to her sides, missing the warmth. “I guess… I better get changed so we can make our deliveries.”

Kate held out the package of wipes. “If you want, change on the other side of the van. You can use these to clean off your pants.”

The package crinkled when Max accepted it. She tried to smile before she picked up the bag with the shirt. She turned and walked to the other side of the van, bag swinging along.

Her pants only had a few marks from her vomit. Mostly, dirt coated the legs. A few slaps on the cloth knocked it off. A few seconds later, she had switched shirts and opened the van door. When she climbed onto the seat, Kate opened the driver’s door.

“Here,” Kate said and handed a floor mat to her. “I cleaned it.”

It took a few seconds of twisting and turning to get the mat back in place. Kate put away the package of wipes.

“Ready?” Kate said, after putting on her seatbelt. Max’s seatbelt clicked into place and she nodded.

They drove off, with Max thinking about what had just happened. Neither Kate nor Chloe had mocked her for the way she’d acted. Kate had willingly given her and Chloe space to talk privately. They hadn’t taken the chance to hurt her or force her into their debt.

Next to her, Kate hummed. Max didn’t recognize the tune. Something about being in this space, with Kate humming, filled her with happiness. She didn’t want it to end.

“Can I ask you something?” Max said.

“Sure,” said Kate,

“That first day, when I applied, you said something about pronouns. She, her or something like that. Why’d you do that?”

Kate was silent for so long, Max shifted in her seat to better see her. Kate shot her a look she couldn’t understand.

“Because I wanted you to feel safe,” Kate said. Her voice was sweet, but it had an undertone which eluded Max.

“How would telling me that make me feel safe?”

Again, Kate was silent for a long time.

“You’re… not familiar with including pronouns in your greeting?”

“No. Should I be?”

Is that something normal people do? Why didn’t anyone tell me?!

The van stopped in front of a gate. Max climbed out and opened it. She thought about Kate’s words as the van drove through. She closed the gate and shuffled back to her seat.

“Why’d you want me to feel safe?” she said when she closed the door.

“You seemed very nervous, even scared,” Kate said. The van crept down the bumpy drive. “I didn’t want you to feel that way.”

“But you didn’t even know me…”

“I don’t need to know someone to care about them,” Kate said. Her fingers flexed on the steering wheel, and she shot a glance at Max.

Max looked out the passenger window.

She didn’t even know me and still cared about me.

She swallowed the lump which had formed in her throat.

Why are Kate and Chloe so different from everyone else in my life?

She watched the world crawl by. A field became a forest. Bright sunlight turned into flickering shadows. She closed her eyes. Her body ached with memories of last night. Her mind was tired, exhausted by constantly warring thoughts.

I’m just a thing for people to trade and use.

Max opened her eyes and looked at Kate. The van stopped and Kate turned off the engine. She looked at Max with a smile and shining cheeks. “Ready for our first delivery?”

But maybe… not everyone’s that way.

Max smiled.

“Let’s do it.”