Chapter Text
Al was being mean again, and that meant Ben was in his closet.
He didn’t have to go to his closet, but whenever Daddy told him to go to his room with the voice that sounded like he’s being choked, Ben always ended up hiding in here. It was safer, with the darkness and the pile of his clothes and toys to hide behind. Ben liked to think that if Al came looking for him, he wouldn’t be able to find him hidden way in the back.
Besides, the closet helped muffle the crying sounds Daddy made when Al hit him. Those sounds always made Ben cry too, and then Daddy got even sadder when he found him later with salty tracks on his face.
So yeah, Ben was hiding in the back of his closet, humming quietly. He liked the songs Daddy played for him sometimes when they were on the way to school and Al was gone on a business trip. When Al wasn’t around, it was like someone had stopped stepping on Ben’s chest so he could breathe normally again. Daddy seemed to feel the same way. He always got happier and less tense whenever Al was gone. He played the songs Ben liked, with drums and guitars and cool singing.
Al didn’t like those songs, so Daddy never played them when he was around. But Ben was humming one now, and it felt like a quiet sort of rebellion. He was glad he was doing something Al didn’t like. He hated Al. Daddy sometimes said he was scared that Ben would grow up to be angrier and more defiant than he sometimes was now, that he would start to fight back against Al. Ben didn’t understand why that was a bad thing. Someone had to do it, and Daddy was too scared. Ben wasn’t big enough to protect Daddy yet, but someday he’d be big enough and tall enough to hurt Al like he hurt Ben’s favorite person in the world.
Daddy always said Ben didn’t have to be big and strong to do stuff, and maybe that was true, but maybe Daddy only said it to make him feel better after the other boys on the playground teased him ‘cause he hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet. Daddy said his brain was the only thing that mattered, but Ben’s brain must’ve been stupid, ‘cause it wasn’t able to do anything but make him run up the stairs when Al came home smelling bad and acting mean. If it was a better brain, maybe it would be able to protect Daddy from Al.
Ben was gonna have to wait for himself to grow up, he figured. He tried to eat lots of veggies like a big boy, ‘cause Daddy said that’s how big boys grow. And Ben was definitely gonna be big someday. He was gonna be big enough that he wouldn’t fit in this stupid closet anymore, and by then, he’d be able to make sure he didn’t have to.
Those thoughts helped him stay there even when he felt something thud downstairs, even when Daddy’s owie-sounds filtered through the thick walls. Ben hummed his rock song louder, nodding his head along to the imaginary beat in the darkness. He got almost through the whole Led Zeppelin track in his brain before he heard the soft sounds of Daddy’s footsteps coming toward his room.
Daddy walked different than Al. Al was stumbling and stomping and loud. He didn’t care who heard him, ‘cause he owned the house. Daddy and Ben had to be quieter. Daddy was especially quiet, and Ben was glad, ‘cause he was pretty sure Al wasn’t able to hear him most of the time. Only Ben was.
He was already crawling out of the closet by the time his door opened. Daddy’s face was puffy from crying and bruises, but he smiled when he saw Ben like he always did. “Hey, kiddo. You okay?”
He always asked that, like Ben was the one who’d been hurt. Ben stood up as tall as he could and threw his arms around Daddy’s legs, hugging him tightly. “I’m okay, Daddy,” he promised. “How many owies do you have?”
Dean sucked in a quiet breath, one hand coming down to settle in Ben’s hair. “I’m perfectly fine, kiddo. How ‘bout we sit down and you tell me how your day at school was, yeah? You said Mrs. Lily had some worms she was gonna show you. Did you get to see ‘em?”
Ben kinda wanted to ask Daddy if he was really okay, but he didn’t want to make Daddy sad. Besides, he’d been bursting to tell Daddy ‘bout the worm farms all day! “Mrs. Lily had this big glass box, and the worm lady that came in said we had to stay away so we didn’t smudge it, ‘cause then we wouldn’t be able to see ‘em. But then she showed us all the box, and there were so many worms inside, Daddy! They were all burrowing around, and makin’ these cool tunnels, and…”
Ben kept talking about the worms, ‘cause they were cool, and he was able to forget he was s’posed to be sad. Daddy sat with him on his bed for a long time, listening to his stories about school. He always had a big, nice smile on his face, even though there was a little red blood still on his teeth and the bruises on his face were starting to turn colors. Ben tried not to look at them, ‘cause then he’d have to say something and then Daddy would be sad again.
At some point, Al shouted Daddy’s name from downstairs, and Daddy flinched really hard. Ben grabbed him without really thinking about it, suddenly scared that if he let go, Daddy would go see Al and get hurt all over again.
“Daddy—” Ben started, pleading, but Daddy pulled away with that small, sad smile he wore on his face when he was doing something he didn’t wanna do.
“Sorry, kiddo. You can tell me more about playing with Jack later, okay? I’ve gotta go make us some dinner.” He smiled, but Ben could tell he didn’t really mean it. He hated that “us” included him and Daddy and Al. He wished Al would just go away.
“Dean!” came a grating shout from downstairs, full of ire. This time, both Daddy and Ben flinched.
“I’ll be right there!” Daddy shouted back. Al was so far away that it was probably hard to hear the way Daddy’s voice shook like the dandelions when they got all white and fuzzy, but Ben heard it. It scared him. All it took was one push to make the soft fluff on the dandelions fly away, leaving a small, dead husk behind.
“What’s for dinner?” Ben asked, starting to slide down off the bed, but Daddy’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. His touch was light, gentle like always, but firm.
“You stay in here, kiddo. I’ll bring some dinner up when it’s ready, okay? Then you and me can sit and you can tell me more about your dinosaur game with Jack. Sound like a plan?” Daddy’s eyes were twinkling and he was smiling, but Ben could still hear the dandelion-tremble of his voice.
“Okay, Daddy,” he said. His voice was quieter than he meant it to be, and he saw Daddy’s eyes soften a little.
“It’ll be okay, kiddo. I’ll be right back, I promise,” he said.
He kissed Ben on the forehead and then he left, leaving Ben to wonder what would happen when Daddy’s dandelion fluff eventually got blown away.
~>>>~
Jack was another kid at Ben’s school, and Ben liked him a lot. They always played a dinosaur game at recess, where they ran around and pretended to save the world while being big scary T-rexes. Jack always knew the names of the other ones, like Spino-saur-us and Carno-ta-saurus and Allo-saur-us. Ben didn’t like that last one, ‘cause it had “Al” in it. But he liked the other ones, and Jack knew what they were ‘cause his mom read books about dinosaurs to him every night.
Jack’s dad was in prison because he’d been selling bad stuff to bad guys. At least, that’s what Daddy told Ben when he asked. Daddy and Kelly, Jack’s mom, had met a couple times and talked whenever Ben had playdates with Jack. Ben liked Kelly. Sometimes Daddy sent him to Jack’s house for the night when Al was being more scary than usual. It wasn’t often, but it happened.
Jack also had an uncle named something weird that Ben couldn’t pronounce. He just called him “Cas.” Cas was nice, even though his voice was kinda scary. He helped Kelly by being a sort-of dad to Jack, even though Jack said he didn’t actually have any kids. Sometimes, Cas came to pick Jack up from school instead of his mom. Ben was always one of the last kids to be picked up, so he was always the one to say goodbye to his friend.
Today, they had to wait for Jack ‘cause he forgot something in the classroom and needed to go back with a teacher to get it. Cas stayed with Ben and listened nicely when Ben told him about the frog he and Jack had found at recess.
“Someday, I’m gonna grow up and be a frog catcher or something,” Ben told Cas. “I like frogs. And dinosaurs, but those are ‘xtinct.”
“That’s a very admirable occupation to aspire to, Ben,” Cas said. He liked to use big words, but Ben didn’t mind. Cas always seemed like he was actually listening to what Ben was saying, instead of just nodding and smiling like other grownups did sometimes.
“What do you do for a job, Mr. Cas?” Ben asked curiously. He’d asked Jack before, but Jack always said he didn’t know.
Cas looked at him for a moment, his face all tense and strange. Ben didn’t really know what to make of it. After a moment, Cas said, “Well, Ben, I suppose I hunt bad men.”
“Like, with a shotgun?” Ben asked, eyes wide.
Cas laughed a little. “No, not quite.”
“But you make ‘em go away.”
“Yes.”
“Could you do that to Al?”
Oops.
Daddy was always telling him to think before he said stuff, and Ben guessed this was one of those times. He hadn’t meant to say that, honest, but the words had kinda just fallen out, like the soap bar from his hands when it got all wet.
Cas frowned at him. “Al?”
Ben shrugged, nudging the toe of his shoe in the gritty dirt beneath his feet. “Yeah. He’s a bad man. If you could make him go away, I’d be real happy.” He thought of Al just being gone, and it almost made him smile.
“Who is Al?” Cas asked. His voice had gotten softer, kinda like Daddy’s when he was trying to get Ben to talk about something that had happened at school. Ben was wary of that tone, and he was also wary of talking about Al. Daddy had told him not to talk about Al. That was why it was bad that Ben had said his name in the first place.
“No one,” Ben lied. He knew lying was bad, but he had a feeling talking about Al was worse.
Just then, Jack returned. Ben had never been more happy to see his friend. He was grateful when Jack immediately started talking to Cas, pulling the man’s attention away from the conversation he and Ben had been having. Whew, Ben thought. That was a close one.
He said goodbye to Jack and Cas when they left, waving as they got in Cas’s big, grumbly-sounding president car. Daddy always laughed when Ben said that, ‘cause apparently it was a different kind of Lincoln, but Ben kept calling it that ‘cause that’s what his brain did.
He waited for a while after Jack went home. When he was the only one left in the parking lot, the teachers all checking their watches in that way that indicated they wanted to go back to the school so they could go home, Daddy showed up. Ben heard the Impala before he saw it, and he jumped up excitedly to wait as Daddy pulled up to the front of the school where all the kids had to wait for their parents.
“Hi, Daddy!” Ben called as Daddy pulled up.
“Hey, kiddo,” Daddy said, smiling at him through the rolled-down window of the passenger seat. “Get on in, buddy. Sorry I’m late.”
“Mr. Winchester,” someone said, and Ben looked up to see Ms. Calbrera frowning at Daddy. “That’s the third time you’ve been late this month. Our staff really can’t be sitting out here for an hour after school with Ben.”
“I know, ma’am, I’m sorry,” Daddy said, smiling apologetically at Ms. Calbrera. He looked very tired all of a sudden. “I just got off work, I came as fast as I could.”
“Doesn’t Ben have another parent at home?” Ms. Calbrera asked, raising an eyebrow in that dangerous way that meant someone was gonna have to sit on the wall for the rest of recess. “Why can’t they come pick him up instead?”
“Not possible,” Daddy said, and his face was real tight and thin-looking now. “Ben, buddy, c’mon.”
“This car really isn’t safe for a child to sit in, either—” Ms. Calbrera started to say, but Ben was tired of listening to her being mean to Daddy.
“Bye, Ms. Calbrera!” he said loudly, cutting her off. He waved and clambered into the car, making a show of buckling his seatbelt so she could see how safe he was. He was always safe with Daddy. She was just bein’ dumb.
“Have a nice day, ma’am,” Daddy said. He gave her another tight smile, then started Baby up again so the engine got loud. They pulled away before Ms. Calbrera could say anything else, and Ben was glad. Daddy looked much happier when he heard Ben’s story about playing with Jack at recess. His smile got less thin-looking and more bright and genuine. Ben was secretly proud of himself for making him happier.
He got to the part of his day where he was talking to Cas, and then he remembered what Cas had said. He hunted bad men for a living. Ben wondered what kind’a job that was. It didn’t sound like anything they taught at career day, when the firefighters and doctors and lawyer-people came in. That sounded like a pretty cool job. Maybe if Ben did the same thing Cas did, he’d be able to make Al go away so he wouldn’t hurt Daddy anymore.
That got Ben thinking. He wasn’t a bad guy catcher yet, but Cas was. Cas said he did it for a job, which meant he got paid. Ben didn’t know how much he got paid, but he thought of the little guitar-shaped piggy bank in the back of his closet, and he figured that would be enough.
Maybe Daddy was right. Maybe Ben’s brain was good enough to get rid of Al after all.